Melanie Tonia Evans

What Would It Take For A Narcissist To Heal?

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 22
165
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

This question is one I hear so many times.

People write to me and say “I have done the research, and apparently narcissists don’t change. But can a narcissist heal? How can he / she change?”

This was a question, once upon a time I agonised over myself.

With the first narcissistic abuse experience I was so deluded into believing I still loved him, and we were truly meant to be together. I was convinced he really loved me, and that his exclamations of wanting to save our relationship were genuine.

I tried hard to believe that he would be the first narcissist on the planet to truly heal. I spent years hanging on to that hope. I believed love conquers all.

Fortunately in the second narcissistic relationship, I knew that he couldn’t heal and that his cries to save the relationship (coupled with projections / abuse) were just more lies to try and bring me back into his web.

This allowed me to get out and move on with my life A LOT quicker.

In this article I’m going to explain the deep reasons as to why narcissists don’t heal – and what would they actually have to do to make it possible.

 

Words Are Cheap

It is very common for a narcissist, at some point of their relationship problems, to be sorry, apologise, and speak the words that would make someone believe that they can and do want to heal.

Not all narcissists do this – but many do…

This can be incredibly misleading – even if you understand the dynamics of narcissism. When you are viewing life from a human model you believe signs of genuine remorse and apology equal change.

Or, you have been so worn down by the previous twists and turns, projections, lies, lack of accountability and scapegoating, that the incredible relief of a ‘genuine apology’ feels like it must be real.

Firstly, when dealing with a narcissist, you have no ability to know whether or not these proclamations of taking responsibility and being remorseful are feigned or genuine.

The brain wiring of the narcissist is so set on survival programs and obtaining narcissistic supply (needing energy outside of self to emotionally survive), I think we can safely state it is likely the narcissist doesn’t know moment to moment either.

What we do understand (when understanding narcissism) is the apologies, remorse and promises regarding how the narcissist will make up for atrocious acts, and fix the damage don’t hold – and inevitably the malicious behaviour returns – generally in a much more intensified form.

Why does this happen?

The narcissist despite what he or she has said genuinely cannot help the ongoing behaviour, and his or her False Self despises the fact that he or she had to be humble.

Narcissism is about ‘one-upping’, and cannot bear to be vulnerable. The False Self will start engineering ways to get even and escalate punishment, in order to get back in control and ‘on top’.

The truth is nobody – narcissist or non-narcissist – stops acting out inappropriate or unhealthy behaviour simply because they said they realised and would not do that anymore.

It takes an enormous effort of self-realisation, recognition of one’s flaws (meeting internal woundedness directly) and responsibility to change one’s pattern of behaviour, in order to change.

 

The Unhealed Triggers

There are ‘triggers’ from you that remind the narcissist of his or her deep, dark and unattended to inner emotional wounds.

These wounds originated in the narcissist’s life long before you arrived on the scene.

These wounds are not just the ‘modified’ internal wounds that non-narcissists have.

These wounds are so significant that the narcissist submerged (killed off) his or her True Self and created a False Self (another person) in its place to try to get away from the wounds.

The only problem with this strategy is: the internal wounds did not go away. They remained and the more disowned they were, the bigger they got – just like an untreated cancer that becomes more and more invasive and malignant.

The narcissist has disowned these wounds, but can never divorce these wounds. The narcissist is eternally tied to them.

To try to compensate the narcissist needs to create a bigger and bigger False Self which is grandiose, perfect in every way and more special than other people.

The False Self however is pathological. It isn’t solid, it is insecure, deeply takes offence and childishly personalises any ‘slights’. It is an ineffective barrier to internal self-demonising thoughts and feelings. It needs to grab energy and attention outside of itself to try to avoid the internal emotional agony.

Of course it often fails…

What this means is: While walking on eggs shells you are sooner or later going to land on a trigger.

It’s unavoidable…

Something you say, a way you look, a certain stance with your ‘body-language’, the compliment you didn’t give, the level of approval that was not forthcoming from you, the success you gained that had nothing to do with the narcissist, the enjoyment you derived from something or someone else, the mention you made of someone or something else other than the narcissist –  let alone (heaven forbid) any slight, critique or comment you may make that is not aligned with the grandiose version of the narcissist’s False Self which is trying to escape inner self-loathing – by being magnificent and above anyone’s reproach.

Bang the trigger goes off, and the narcissist explodes with narcissistic rage. Callously devaluing you, or worse still engineering a way to punish you.

So what happened to the ‘genuine’ promise the narcissist granted you of no longer reacting maliciously?

What happened to promising you NOT to turn on you, hurt you, cheat on you, smear you, or threaten you with breakups or any other ‘weak point’ which the narcissist uses cruelly against you?

It’s all gone completely out the window…

It’s like you never received those words, or promises. Which true to narc form may have been delivered in gushing ten page letters of undying ‘love’ and ‘heartfelt remorse’.

In fact the narcissist has switched back to the insane twists, turns and deflecting behaviour that makes you think you are completely losing your mind…The adoring ‘saint’ is nowhere to be seen.

And of course you being ‘mean’ to the narcissist’s False Self is the total justification to the narcissist for treating you this way.

There is NO reasoning with that…

So it happened… you hit the trigger, and the horror show has just begun all over again.

 

What Is Really Necessary?

This is what astounds me with traditional cognitive therapy.

The inner wounds which are causing the problems are not accessed, confronted, faced or released.

This means that the reasons as to why a narcissist disowned his or her True Self, and is living life through a pathological self are not faced.

These wounds are exactly what would need to be confronted in order for the narcissist’s disordered condition and deranged brain pathways to reverse.

Whilst the narcissist’s original trauma is still submerged and locked inside the narcissist, the disordered defence mechanisms of the False Self will jealously, vengefully and vehemently stand guard.

It is a perpetual bomb of malicious cruelty to anyone who threatens the False Self, waiting to go off at the slightest provocation.

It would ONLY ever be when these wounds no longer exist that the narcissist can lay down these defences.

NEVER before…

The same applies for everyone’s significant inner wounds and defence mechanisms.

How on earth can talk therapy reach, face, embrace and release wounding of that magnitude?

I don’t believe it can…

I have heard of so many narcissists in the community who hit the ‘apology’ stage, who want joint therapy with partners, and will even take on anger management or meditation or mindfulness classes themselves.

I am still never to hear of this having positive results.

I have never heard of a joint therapy session go well with a narcissist.

Regarding the first narcissistic experience I had, it was a complete and utter three ring circus and nightmare. He ran rings around the therapist, and as soon as she started to put some pieces together (after a private session with me) he discredited her and refused to continue.

So much for doing ‘anything’ to save the relationship.

The second narcissistic experience was proclamations of therapy to sort out my ‘paranoia’ (of course he believed I should just ‘trust’ a man who pathologically lied, smeared, abused by proxy and committed adultery), and in his words ‘To work out better communication between us to avoid our arguments!!’.

In no way was he even close to owning his outrageous behaviour (off the planet) was completely unliveable and due to horrendous childhood wounds.

So I broke off the relationship and declined the offer…thankfully…

I can only imagine how much more damaging, deranging and abusing that whole experience would have been had I not. And of course there was NO possibility of a healthy outcome.

Please be aware if the narcissist is going to anger management, meditation or mindfulness teachers, before long he will be wanting to run the group, volunteer as a group speaker, or will have buddied up to the teacher in order to be acknowledged as an incredible, special and amazing human being.

It becomes all about getting additional narcissistic supply – it’s NOT about getting better.

Both of these men in my past stated they would do ‘whatever’ it would take and had at times been ‘deeply remorseful’.

Both never faced or worked on their childhood wounds. Both stated our problems were all to do ‘with communication’.

I know many of you have heard exactly the same excuse for cruel, maliscious and conscienceless behaviour which non-narcissistic people couldn’t even contemplate let alone act out.

Truly – the proof (as they say) is in the pudding.

What you will discover is that when a narcissist states they want to take responsibility and heal – if you confront them with the fact that it is their horrendous unhealed wounds causing the abusive behaviour, and that needs to be directly addressed, you will see narcissistic wrath at its worst.

Or you will experience total devalue and discard.

The narcissist’s False Self will never allow you to know the sordid truth – that he or she feels completely hollow, broken and defective – and that his or her entire life is a masquerade trying to hide that fact.

 

Accepting the Truth

It’s sad, and it’s tragic because narcissists are the product of abuse, sometimes bad genetics, and often cruel violence, abandonment or pathological engulfment.

They did not ‘choose’ logically to kill off their True Self and live a pathological life –  being more and more taken over by a painful, empty, angry , demanding and never appeased False Self.

However, we have to realise the truth.

There is no helping someone who won’t (or can’t) help themselves.

Being attached to a narcissist is not like being attached to a helpless person such as a quadraplegic. I totally understand the devotion people have when they sacrifice their lives to lovingly assist others.

The narcissist, however, as this helpless to ‘get better’ person is viscious, calculating and he or she will abuse you all the way to your demise. THAT is why you need to stop trying to fix this person.

Whilst the False Self is on guard there is no breaking through to a narcissist, and no getting them to work on these deep inner wounds – which are EXACTLY what they have been avoiding, deflecting and projecting on to other people their entire life.

To meet the inner wounds is equal to annihilation for a narcissist – it just can’t be done.

Sam Vaknin describes it as the narcissist intuitively knowing that he or she does not have the inner resources to deal with the onslaught of these inner wounds. His belief is that a narcissist would risk a complete psychotic and catatonic breakdown if he or she did face these wounds.

Knowing what I know about energy healing – I do know it is possible in theory for a narcissist to energetically claim and clear wounds and re-connect back to the Source of wellbeing that all of us are connected to at some level…even narcissists.

It would be excruciating and gruelling, and incredibly painful – but (I believe) it could be done.

However, here is the sticking point.

The narcissist is addicted to narcissistic supply worse than a heroin addict is addicted to heroin. The narcissist literally feels like he or she would disappear into oblivion if not getting an energy supply (attention) from the outside. The narcissist has ‘killed off’ his or her connection to being an energy Source from ‘self’.

What this means is: the narcissist when feeling any emotional low (frequent) will frenetically need to get a ‘hit’ to try to offset the pain.

Deep inner healing and personal transformation for anyone is all about being with the pain and resisting these urges to self-avoid – and dealing directly with the pain instead.

The narcissist’s False Self is its own entity which has taken over the narcissist.

The False Self has all the reasons, all the excuses, and all the justifications to make what the narcissist does as ‘okay’.

It’s like a devil on the narcissist’s shoulder talking him or her into the most outrageous reactions and acts possible. Many narcissists (Sam Vaknin agrees) report that whilst doing these acts – it is like an out of body experience – it is like the False Self has completely taken over – and the narcissist is watching from the side lines unable to stop it happening.

That takes ‘knee jerk reaction’ to a whole new level.

So, is the False Self going to consistently go to a healing space over and over  again, go within and leave alone the outside world and narcissistic supply in order to face and release deep inner traumatic wounds?

The answer is FIRMLY “No”…

What I have observed is that it is only narcissists in deep narcissistic injury ( life has hit SO hard), and are literally on their knees, who will dedicate time to inner healing. The reason is because when life kicks someone that hard – the ego is temporarily too injured to operate.

Life can be a HUGE humbler in the face of shocking catastrophe.

However, the narcissist’s brain has been established and hard wired onto obtaining narcissistic supply for most of their life.

Therefore as soon as a therapist grants the narcissist enough attention (narcissistic supply) for the False Self to reinstate itself again, those brain pathways start firing again, and the narcissist’s humility is incredibly short-lived.

He or she is back to the grandiose, entitled conscienceless version of hunting narcissistic supply – and on the story goes…

 

The Narcissist’s “Healing Cell”

I remember years ago (unfortunately I can’t remember the source, so if anyone knows please tell me!) I came across an article regarding a person’s theory about how a narcissist could heal.

Knowing what I know now I agree…

It goes like this…

The solution:

Solitary confinement with no possibility of contact with the outside world, or the gaining of narcissistic supply.

Then, a committed effort to meet and release the original emotional traumas.

Then, stimulation and re-learning of empathy, compassion, connection to life and others, and integrity. Effectively re-parenting where these brain pathways left off, in order to catch them up to present time.

Truly – what narcissist is going to go through that? What facility is there to have that happen?

Additionally there would have to be every method possible to stop the narcissist committing suicide, because if narcissistic supply was removed, the narcissist would not want to live.

Please note I am not stating this is the case for people with mere ego issues or even narcissistic tendencies.

I believe everyone – co-dependents, and even ‘normal’ people all have varying degrees of survival mechanisms which are creating them to be not aligned in the true harmony of Who They Are.

All of these fears emenate from inner wounds that we closed down inside of us and tried to protect.

I have worked with thousands of people with confronting and releasing inner wounds, as well as confronting and releasing my own inner wounds, and I know the courage and commitment it takes to face them, to let them go and be free of them.

And I know that the people who decide to do this, need to commit to dropping all addiction (avoidance techniques) to be willing to be with and meet their pain in order to finally deal with it, and be liberated from it.

That’s what personal evolution and growth is all about.

Quick fixes, opting out, and self-avoidance just doesn’t cut it!

I have seen people who have had enough of living a life through their inner wounds, absolutely make the decision enough is enough and do the work.

Interestingly, I have been receiving many more than normal emails from people claiming to be narcissists who have had enough of the pain, and want to heal.

I refer all of these people onto the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Their healing is identical to the healing for co-dependents. It is ALL about healing the traumas of abuse, and releasing fear, pain and survival programs.

These people may be in narcissistic injury and will discredit the Program later, or maybe the pain has become greater than the False Self – and maybe they are not fully NPD.

It is individuals suffering with NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) who I believe are incapable of doing this.

My definition of NPD is when a person has crossed the line into malicious, pathological, and conscienceless behaviour.

Additionally this list in my recent article “Are You With A Narcissist?” Covers NPD typical behaviour and communication.

I have never heard of one credible case of a person operating at this level admitting their inner woundedness and doing the inner work and healing – and I don’t for one millisecond believe that cognitive therapy would even touch the edges.

I hope this helped explain this delicate subject for you, and I look forward to answering your comments and questions.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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165 Thoughts on What Would It Take For A Narcissist To Heal?
  • Whaydeh_hiyeh@hotmail.com'
    Ray
    September 25, 2013

    Hi Mel ,

    If the narcissit wouldn’t heal and I can’t afford a divorce because I have no previous job experience to be on my own and make a living, as I have been raising my family for 26 years. What would be the solution if I have to stay?
    I feel trapped and isolated in a deep dark hole .
    My children left home a few years back and I am here alone suffering from narcissitic abuse of the narc husband and from empty nest syndrome.
    Do you think there is a way out for me ? I would really appreciate your guidance , I am going crazy. Thx so much in advance. I am desperate ! Please help me.
    Ray

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 26, 2013

      Hi Ray,

      I know many, many people feel that they don’t have a choice other than to stay…and I feel for you that you also feel this way.

      What I do believe is that when we honour the truth, what our soul is telling us – that life ‘finds a way’ to back us…But we have to let go. We have to decide that our soul, and emotions are worth more than anything else…

      That is what true liberation and evolution is about – making the difference between our soul or the practical.

      Ray I have seen people leave with nothing, live in shelters whose lives turned around incredibly, and beyond description. But they had to let go of the egoic fears to honour themselves at this level – which of course is hard to do.

      Virtually everyone that exits the scene from a N suffers loses on multiple levels – however what they do gain is their soul and vibrational truth – and THEN the mechanics of the Universe start delivering all the openings, all the possibilities, and all the ‘coincidences’ that back that.

      When we are selling our soul out to the torturous life with a N, everything backslides, everything is being stripped away piece by piece…

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      • Beauklum@hotmail.com'
        Beau
        January 21, 2015

        I just wanted to Add this. You cannot give up on any human being. Not in the sense of trying to fix them, but in the sense of realizing that with the right resources anything is possible. You have no idea what we go through. This wasn’t a conscious choice, no one consciously chooses to go this direction. Imagine within your mind having a wound so deep it was literally destroying you. Unless you have seen it from the inside, you literally cannot fathom the depth of pain.

        • Lisarivera17@gmail.com'
          Lisa
          December 19, 2015

          Yes, yes

        • susanfad333@yahoo.com'
          Susan
          August 8, 2016

          Hello Beau,

          God bless you. I understand your pain. Have you been trying to heal? And if so, do you have any tips for others?
          Thank you,
          Susan

      • Beauklum@hotmail.com'
        Beau
        January 21, 2015

        I have realized these qualities develop strongly in myself. Deep wounds develop into strong narcissism. All I’m saying is that you see the cold outer exterior, but deep down inside there is a beating heart just like yours. Wanting the same things yours does. Loving in the same way. How do I know? Because this is the divine way. I refuse to accept that I can’t heal. Anything is possible.

        • sharon2as@yahoo.co.uk'
          Sarah
          June 8, 2015

          I totally agree with you, Underneath there is a beating heart and you can’t give up hope. There are some success stories where the patient loving spouse has brought their narc partner to the realisation that they need help. http://www.narcissismcured.com is one example where the narcissist is fully cured and enjoying a happy loving marriage. There is hope! There is also prayer and faith, it works depending on the level of your faith.

          I felt deeply my narcissistic ex husband’s trauma but you can’t fix them. Sometimes tough love can get them to the stage that this article talks about where they are so low they have to change. He saw a trauma specialist who identified the source of trauma but didn’t follow through to cover the other stages which could have helped with his healing.

          Ever the optimist, it can be cured through love and prayer.

      • sneha.kapuria11@gmail.com'
        Angel
        April 26, 2018

        Hi Mel,

        I have been following you articles and videos about narc and how they have no ability to change.
        Almost all life coaches,psychologist advices to leave relationship.

        although, I have stumbled upon this resource(linked below) which suggests proven steps to narc relationship and help your narc partner to heal

        http://narcissismcured.com/downloads/back-from-the-looking-glass-gift.pdf

        wanted to see your thoughts about it

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          April 26, 2018

          Hi Angel,

          I think each to their own truly.

          My take on it is this, I have seen people go through the most horrific experiences with narcissists who tried to survive them, help them or find a solution.

          I’ll be honest I am dubious, I don’t want to make assumptions and in no way am I here to disregard or disrespect anyone’s work or their personal experience.

          I have had evidence over the last ten years of people who tried Kim Coopers system without success and have not received any direct reports in this Community where it did.

          However, if it did work people would not use this community!

          Mel 🙏💕❤️

    • stephencoleman95361@yahoo.com'
      stephen
      September 26, 2013

      The best thing I ever did was leave. The peace was so overwhelming that it even filled my dreams and sleep. Perhaps one of your children can come to understand what really happened and you can both heal together.

    • psyche@iinet.net.au'
      Suzanne
      September 27, 2013

      Hello Ray. I know it is scary. I left my N ex many years ago when I was 5 months pregnant with our first child. It was a very challenging time and it took some years to work through the rage and other feelings. He is still the same many years later and has made no fundamental changes to who he is. I am so glad that I left then and did not stay to be with him. My life was very difficult initially and we were without a home for quite a while and it was very difficult with a little baby too. My little one and I spent 6 years in and out of a psychiatric hospital that had a mother and baby unit. It was a special hospital where I underwent therapy which reached into the roots of my family dysfunction and healed a lot of the underlying causes of that so it didn’t carry on for another generation. I had to re-do my life as I knew it. However, eventually we got a stable home and my daughter is now an adult who is healthy, happy and whole and is just finishing her second university degree. She does not carry all that generational pain, but with a N for a father, she will at some stage have to address issues around the horrible time he gave her as a child and teenager. she has always been seen and heard fully by me and because of the work that I have done, that has allowed her to grow into the lovely young woman that she is today. I went on to omplete my own university degree and am happily involved in my own wonderful life. I am in a career that I love and have almost paid off my own home. Getting involved with another N has raised more issues to clear energetically. There was no Melanie back then and I did not know about energy work. What I can say is that if you get the NARP programme and work it, you can clear your old belief systems that enabled you to get involved with your N husband and stay there for so long. If I and so many others can make changes, so can you. A lot of us went from some sort of material comfort to losing everything, but we can all attest to being in a very different place once we do the energy work.

  • 2inview@gmail.com'
    neil
    September 25, 2013

    I really feel for you. I did see on Insight – a audience show on the ABC a year ago or so where NPD was the subject, that one psychologist say “No it is not impossible, but it is very difficult and it does not often occur.” If you want to email me I can direct you to some help in trying.
    2inview@gmail.com

  • patti@empoweredsex.com'
    Patti Sommer
    September 25, 2013

    What you are describing for healing (solitary confinement, etc.) would only be possible if in fact we could have the true narcissist convicted of a crime – which in fact, their abusiveness is. They are a danger to society and should be sequestered and stopped from inflicting further damage. Unfortunately, our society, especially in America is not emotionally aware enough to even recognize this terrible affliction. I am a writer, coach and speaker on sexual empowerment, and relationships, and while described by my friends as a very ‘strong’ individual, I am one who sees broken and wants to fix it. Thus, I was duped by a textbook narc, and in for the ride of my life as the third in a love triangle. I now look at this as a gift however, as it has given me the opportunity to fix the parts of me that were ‘broken’ and not addressed because I was so busy being the ‘strong’ woman. And I hope that through my experience I can help others. Thank you for your work Melanie!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 26, 2013

      Hi Patti,

      It would be wonderful if the ‘cell’ was recognised as a healing solution rather than punishment.

      More punishment only brings more shame, more disconnection from self and more bad behaviour…

      So true that out society has not woken up to what is taking place, and how disconnected people are creating more disconnected people.

      So many healers Patti and therapists get involved with narcs – it is incredibly commonplace!

      That is wonderful that you have used your N experience to dig deeper, heal and liberate – that is wonderful!

      You are very welcome Patti:)

      Mel xo

    • Rbakle1960@roadrunner.com'
      Rhonda
      September 29, 2013

      I too was always “busy being the strong woman” taking care of everyone else adn this last year dn 1/2 has been about taking care of ME and being strong for me. I am 53 years old and FINALLY it is about me!
      I wish you the best!

  • susan.morgan@wales.nhs.uk'
    Susan Morgan
    September 25, 2013

    Another wonderful article. I have worked through the NARP programme several times and am now working through the second programme and both are wonderful. I am still in contact with my ex husband because of business and financial reasons and he’s been behaving impeccably recently, even though he was the worst of the worst, hence the divorce. I have found myself wondering if he’s sorted himself out and if there was a possibility of a future with him because of my children (now grown up thank God!). This article came in the nick of time. As I was reading it I realised he hasn’t changed a bit! I’m just a handy source of narcissistic supply and the moment I succumbed, it would be exactly the same. In fact, I now realise that all this is just one big fat lie, an act, for him to exact revenge for daring to leave him and divorce him.

    I thank God for you every single day because your work brought me back from the brink of suicide and madness.

    I look at him now and think “what the F*%! was I thinking all those years.

    Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

    Sue

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 26, 2013

      Hi Susan,

      that is wonderful that you have found relief, solidness and healing from my Programs.

      Awww yes so many exes ‘forget’ and the narcissist can then put on the charm again to continue extracting N supply – or use them as a tool against future partners when the inevitable devalue and discard begins..

      Don’t get duped!

      You are so welcome Sue 🙂

      Mel xo

  • jana28y@yahoo.com'
    Jen
    September 25, 2013

    Hi Melanie,

    Feeling Lost & Fearful.

    I discovered my ex is a nar two yrs ago, we separated a yr ago and were together for 7yrs. I struggled to let him go, purely out of being addicted to him. I have been going through the healing process for the past year and although in some areas, I have seen some subtle changes, I still struggle with so many other things that are limiting my quality of life.

    This article hit home as he did see a therapist for a yr who seemed to have helped him with his behavior. In some ways, he did act like he got it and it completely screwed with my mind because I thought it would stick. A lot of self doubt grew during this yr. because I no longer knew if this was something that was genuine. He was less abusive, wasn’t as quick to anger and some of his habits did decrease. When I witnessed these changes, I can’t even explain the amount of relief and happiness I felt. There was hope! He admitted to recognizing he’s a nar but also said he was no longer that person. He told me he was now going to take responsibility for what he had done and that he could see all the damage he had caused. A few months later, all of this fizzled out. This caused a lot of confusion because underneath it all, he was still a nar. At the time, I couldn’t see it. I believed he was really getting better and I even believed that perhaps, he wasn’t a nar after all.

    Separation was extremely difficult for me. It was a band aid I struggled to rip off. It’s been a year and I still feel off, I don’t feel like myself and I have an incredible amount of fear that I’ve developed. I’m growing more and more concerned over this as I’ve pretty much isolated myself from friends due to my fear and I’m currently unemployed. I lost an amazing job while I was with my ex.

    I don’t have friends I can talk to about this situation as they don’t understand why I would even put up with the abuse for as long as I did. They’re also tired of hearing it since I used to always complain about his behaviors to them. I talk to my friends over the phone but never see them anymore. I just feel weird in their presence, like there’s now a part of me missing so I decide to stay home.

    My self esteem is shattered and I’ve tried everything under the sun. I want to feel authentic and be there for myself yet my life has become muddled. I do notice I have some anger left inside of me. And this anger comes from the realization of just how much I endured and put myself through to be with this person who never felt a single drop of love for me. And to see how much my health has declined as a result of this relationship, upsets me.

    I feel like a part of me was robbed and I can’t seem to find my way back. It’s alarming to feel this way and to live day in and day out knowing this painful truth. I live in constant fear, I now avoid people who are confrontational, I avoid most places and I feel the anxiety rise within me when I’m out of my house for more than 4 hours.

    I struggle to identify my feelings and why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling about everything else in my life, not when it comes to my ex. I feel it’s important for me to be able to express and recognize my own feelings towards things and people in order for me to be authentic and true to myself but if I can’t even do that, how will I ever attain being comfortable with myself?

    When I was with my ex, I wasn’t aware of just how much my focus and drive was on him. Now that the focus is no longer on him, I’m focusing on myself but that in itself is not something that comes naturally to me. I’ve noticed how much I’m used to placing my own feelings and emotions in the back burner and how I tend to put others before myself most of the time. So, focusing on myself is something I’ve worked on and haven’t been successful in.

    How can I get some of my self confidence back? How can I build that trust and focus in myself instead of being filled with so much self doubt and constant fear? How can I be there for myself without feeling selfish about it?

    Thank you for taking the time to read this, it is appreciated.

    Jen

    • suki.bri-ana@live.com'
      Suki
      September 26, 2013

      Hi Jen
      I too felt exactly like you for two years when I separated from my ex in April 2011 until I started NARP beginning of this year. I’ve still a way to go but have started to like myself since. As you said you focused on the narc & put others first so I believe this all happened so that you could focus on you.
      This maybe hard to believe but you will start to love yourself & life again, NARP helped me get this far.
      I too felt too scared to face people & be able to stay out for long periods but your comments reminded where I was not so long ago & how far I’ve come but I know I would not have done it without Melanies knowledge & her program.
      Like I said I have more healing to do but I also know that I am in a better place. I wish you all the best on your exciting journey to discovering yourself.

      • jana28y@yahoo.com'
        Jen
        September 26, 2013

        Thank you Suki for your kind words & support. I’m glad you’re in a better place now and I wish you all the best.

    • grollalion@yahoo.com'
      Laura G
      September 26, 2013

      Jen,

      I felt your pain as I read your letter, particularly how your friends are burned out and are barely there anymore. One of the toughest things I had to face about being with a narc (and my father was one) is that no one really believes you about the person. They look good. After awhile, I looked so bad because I was being vampirically drained, that my narc REALLY looked good. Even to me! Why couldn’t I just selfishly thrive like he did? My addiction to our off-balance dynamic ended up with me very isolated, fat, low energy–and like you–unable to deal with people without cringing or flinching.

      I never thought I could become this person. But, I found Melanie and other sites (there is a great site about sexual addiction that helped me a lot, too) and I began to pick up the pieces of my self esteem.

      One thing really saved me–I realized I had to take responsibility for my response to him. I looked at who I was before I met him and I’d been happy, capable of self-sustaining, living alone for years. I recognized that God/Spirit was showing me a hole in me, one that could only be exposed when in relationship. While alone, I never would have seen it.

      For me it turned out to be the original wounding of my father. My mother, too. She was not a narc but was so needy and smothering she virtually swallowed me whole. I began to look at the source of my wounds as soon as I could. It was (and is) with great joy that I found Melanie because she didn’t just boo-hoo and trash the narcissist. She took the lesson to the spiritual level and that spoke to me.

      I am almost moved out from my boyfriend and already feel so much better. Just getting away from the mind*!## of him has begun to untwist the pretzel of self-doubt I had become. Jen, try to see this as a muddy, mucky tract of land that once it is drained and tended will be the garden of Eden: your own life. Grab a shovel and don’t be put off by the muck. You will be well again.

      As Julia Cameron says in “The Artist’s Way,” it is impossible to both heal and look good at the same time.

      • jana28y@yahoo.com'
        Jen
        September 26, 2013

        Hi Laura G,

        I like how you mentioned God/spirit was showing you a hole that was within you and you couldn’t see this until you got involved in a relationship. I, too wasn’t aware of the hole that lived inside me and the nar was definitely the experience to wake me up to this.

        I especially like the way you used the garden of Eden as an example. I had never seen it that way before & it’s a beautiful and inspiring illustration of how I can see my current situation.

        Thank you for your kind words and response, I appreciate it.

    • jana28y@yahoo.com'
      Jen
      September 26, 2013

      Hi Melanie,

      I’ve read most of the articles you have posted on your site which have been helpful and there is always something I can take from it.

      I will check out the radio show and NARP.

      Thank you for the information, I appreciate it.

    • Rbakle1960@roadrunner.com'
      Rhonda
      September 29, 2013

      Jen–I was with my narc from 16 to 52. On my own now for 18 months. I had no job-daugher grow(she hasn’t spoke to me since the divorce)-no friends- He had cut me off an it was JUST me and Him -always JUST me and Him.
      Start slowly–get a sandwich and eat in the park-talk to people in the park. Get out alittle everyday and speak to people you see.
      Learn to be in the world as YOU.Reach out to ppeople, and be HONEST about your abuse..when I stopped “keeping my secrets” a ton of weight lifted from me.
      after 36 years of abuse I am making it,I have a great Therapist and this newletter and he took 36 years from me but not one minute more.One day at a time,you can do it.

  • earthdev.2048@gmail.com'
    Jyoti
    September 25, 2013

    Great article, I used to get a news letter from an Australian couple who claimed to be living proof that narcissism can be cured I cant remember the details but I used to read it when I was with my ex, I think it involved a lot of reparenting of the Narc, I had two youngsters & my ex was trying to dump responsibility for his own two children who were at the time in their late teens/early twenties. In the end I had to say to heck with this there was no one caring for me in that scenario, & was feeling as if I was a human meal being devoured on a daily basis. When I objected or tried to create windows of time to rest & relax I was castigated. My personal experience has brought me to the perspective that the Narc has a vested interest in staying as they are, which is Top Dog, In Control, Holding all the Cards, Holding all the power etc. Why on Earth would a N want to heal such a dynamic. In my own case my ex lost interest in me because I wasn’t playing the game because I had started to get really tough & was standing my ground, fighting back calling him on his lies & subterfuges, he went into counselling, & started to tell me what he was being fed by his therapist, that he was walking on eggshells, that he was being bullied, & yes in the end he was I fought hard against the broken promises, the lies I held the Bastard to his word & he couldn’t take it, I did what Sam Vaknin advises & that is to treat them the way they are treating you, (but with regard for safety both legal & practical)One thing stood out for me is that N’s can dish it out but oh boy they crumble very quickly when they have to take it. I had tried everything to improve the quality of my life with him from passive submission to guerrilla warfare,
    nothing helps nothing worked. he devalued & discarded me in the most callous & dire circumstances, then told me had made a massive mistake that should never have happened, he never once apologised. he did indeed up the ante on the psycho/emotional abuse after his humiliation. He had totally lost face & the punishment was horrendous. I told his new supply what he was up to behind her back & told him that I never wanted to see or hear from him ever again. My life is tough in lots of ways but my life, thoughts & feelings are my own again & its so good to live without that giant weed in my psyche anymore. No contact was the best thing I ever did, it works & the longer the time the more profound the healing. They don’t get better if they leave you Celebrate, if they stay around you get out & do no contact Life is too short to waste trying to figure out a Narcissist. Thank you Mel & all who post here. Love Jyoti

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 26, 2013

      Hi Jyoti,

      You are referring to Kim and Steve Cooper..

      I agree with you – in regard to being with a narcissist – you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

      There is no way to offset the madness, because the narcissist has no conscience or boundaries – it is a free for all for them without limits…

      How can anyone safely navigate that?

      Totally true – No Contact, healing ourselves and aligning with the creation of a wonderful life from the inside out – and creating that THROUGH us is the true answer..

      N madness is not a healthy or happy person’s reality.

      Thank you for your share!

      Mel xo

  • rturner331@sky.com'
    Rachel Turner
    September 25, 2013

    I can totally relate to your story, Jyoti. I escaped from a narc after 8 years of trying to fix him! My escape was somewhat delayed by the fact that I signed up with the Kim and Steve cooper circus. All their advice did was make my co dependency issues much worse; I tried everything to get the narc to heal his childhood traumas and deep wounds. In the end his abuse intensified. He loved the fact I was giving him so much supply and tricked me into believing he was committed to change. What a joke, he ended up assaulting me by putting his hands around my throat and threatening to kick my f’ing head in all because I wanted to leave a wedding early! I’m still healing and it’ll take a long time. I have a daughter with him and so no contact is impossible. Currently he is trying to manipulate her into going to live with him full time which is never going to happen. Consequently our 6 year old daughter is completely confused. That is hard not to react to but I will not give him any supply so I talk to him in robotic monotone and don’t reply to any messages unless it’s about our daughters care. One day I hope she works it all out for herself. I no longer delude myself that he will ever change. Love to all going through the same xx

    • grollalion@yahoo.com'
      Laura G
      September 26, 2013

      Rachel,

      I so wish my mom had left my narc father. Whatever the problems he creates at least she has an island of sanity. I just had to watch my family grow and grow (8 children) and my mother shrink and shrink. I was the oldest and wanted us to all just leave him in the night. When my parents finally divorced when I was 15 it really helped me a lot. I got to see my mom take her power back and become an amazing person. Hang in there. Your daughter will get it. Like me she probably had a spiritual reason for choosing a narc father.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 26, 2013

      Hi Rachel,

      You are like the few people I have had contact with in regard to Steve and Kim Cooper…

      I have not heard yet of any positive results – simply that the abuse intensified or cruel ‘payback’ punishment, smearing and discard (and often replacement) happened once boundaries (re-parenting) was put in place.

      Great that you are now creating good boundaries and powerfully detaching..

      Mel xo

  • Vlgfla@gmail.com'
    Virginia
    September 25, 2013

    Spot on! A narcissist cannot heal because there is no way you can successfully take them back to birth and give them the appropriate environment to grow into a true loving person. The wounds from early childhood are too deep. They learned, far too early, dysfunctional coping methods. It’s sad. Personally, I choose to stay because it reduces his one on one time with our child. I am choosing to live a happy life and to provide what normalcy I can to my family. It’s not always easy, I have my bad days. But Mel, your information has helped me tremendously. Thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 26, 2013

      Hi Virginia,

      The truth is many people (who are not narcs) can heal their inner wounds despite awful childhood conditions.

      It is all about meeting these wounds, releasing them and taking full responsibility to be the loving, solid source for yourself that the parents weren’t.

      I have seen countless brave non-narcs go inwards and heal the most horrendous of abuse wounds – with NO possibility ever of any parent accountability, remorse or repair.

      The issue TRULY is a narc will NOT do the work.

      I can understand why you made the choice Virginia, however children fare worse with a mother staying than leaving…

      The message is ‘abuse is okay’ ‘love relationships are abusive’….and re childhood wounds – we know where we got our ‘messages’ from..

      Food for thought..

      Mel xo

      • katjasteinhaugen03@gmail.com'
        Katja
        August 13, 2016

        Hi Melanie

        I think I have a mild form for covert narcesism and can feel my heart crumble when i act in a way that I dont feel is from my higher self. It is like I am very sensitive and empathic but i am addicted to attention and i am very afraid of being abandon and alone because i experienced that alot when i was a child. So i leave myself and all my bounderies so people will be with me but its difficult to live that way and i feel so insecure and unworthy for being loved. Its like i am in a constant inner conflict, puneshing myself and hating myself. But I am still being kind towards my friends and family. I dont want this pattern to grow and i want to heal, I have strenght to revisit my childhood trauma and i am very counscious. So it has not gone to far but i need tools to use in the healing prosess. There is so much information and teqnicues on how to heal from narcesistic abuse, but so little on how to heal from narcesism. I know there is a lot of different types of narcesism but do you have any healing tools you will recommend for healing from covert narcissism?

        Katja

        • sharonvoytac@gmail.com'
          Sharon
          September 13, 2016

          Hi Katja,

          I feel much the same way. I’ve been struggling with self-doubt and deep depression, suicidal thoughts my whole life as a result of a narcissistic and abuser father (who was, himself, abused and abandoned). The generational shadow has continued, not only in me, but in all my siblings. I, too, empathic and conscious, but see where I am also a narc and addicted to getting my self-esteem from others. It is toxic in my relationships. The pain I was in was always so bad I would rely heavily on my partner to constantly get me out of the hole.

          It wasn’t until I was in a relationship with a narcissist that I began to search for what was going on. In my case, what was going on was so subtle. I felt like I was slowly being sucked dry at the heart. I couldn’t work anymore and doubted everything I did. I lose all certainty and confidence. Then I realized I was being gaslighted. I always felt strong doubt that he loved me and that something else was going on, and he told me I was crazy and damaged and sensitive. Then I found out what he was hiding and was crushed. I am still in this relationship and so confused. I’ve brought all of my concerns to my partner but I see he has no interest in changing. He has everything going for him in his life. I want to believe he can change. I also need him and love him and don’t want to believe the worse. Sometimes, I am afraid it is all in my head. There’s no real “abuse” — just doubt and pain and confusion and feeling sucked dry. Its like he’s better than me and nothing I can do can get me out from underneath him and I’m being crushed to death.

          It’s hard, because I see in myself this tendency towards being a narc. The only difference is that I have empathy and I want to change. I’ve tried everything. For the past four years, I’ve been working deeply on meditation and energy work. But I see that narc tendency now somewhere along the way it became about wanting to be a great spiritual healer and psychic and leader rather than about me getting better. It’s like I have f*&^ing amnesia sometimes! I have these deep revelations and then I just forget and lapse back into the same stupid routine.

          I feel like being with the narc I’m with now is my karma for how I treated past lovers. But I also am in so much pain from all the sexual and physical abuse of my past that I don’t know where to go. The idea there is this fake self supplanting me is terrifying and yet work I’ve done in hypnosis actually told me my soul is DYING. I’m so lost. If I didn’t have dogs I needed to take care of, I would check myself into a Buddhist monastery or something.

          After reading so many sites that say narcs can’t heal, I’m feeling hopeless and suicidal. How can I go through life feeling this much pain?

  • redbeetle05@gmail.com'
    Lauren
    September 25, 2013

    Hi Mel what a thought provoking article. So much of what you say rings true to me in my own current situation. My narc is my mother who is trying so desperately to control me since the death of my father four years ago. Equally I am trying to resist her every move but feel I am in constant conflict with her. I am now at the point where I know she will never change, but feel no contact is too harsh. I feel I am just paying lip service to the relationship and hate her more than ever imaginable. What should I do?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 26, 2013

      Hi Lauren,

      The answer to that is incredibly SIMPLE – but takes work on one’s inner self in order to execute.

      The answer is this: HONOUR yourself.

      Regardless of whether an abuser is a spouse, mother, father, child, boss…etc etc……

      ….love, heal and honour yourself enough to set boundaries that state your emotional deserving truth (to not be abused) and then if abuse continues honour yourself to say ‘No More – I will not be abused”.

      What we all need to understand is that NOT honouring self is exactly what created this mess of abuse and abused.

      By allowing abuse (not honouring self) we all allow narcissists to operate…this is why they CAN exist and CAN do what they do!

      It totally enables abusers to continue abusing…

      So the real question here Lauren is:

      “What is my mother showing me about myself that requires healing in order to learn how to love, honour and truly set limits for myself?’

      If you are willing to heal and evolve, then that inner question leads you to inner healing and dedication which not only shores up ‘no more abuse’ from your mother, it also allows you to heal and evolve so many other areas of your life that you struggle to lay boundaries and honour yourself in.

      It is sooo hard when it is a parent, or a family member (such as a child) , but you still need to honour yourself, always, first and foremost.

      Then people have the opportunity to step up and act respectfully – or not. And if not then pull away..

      Narcs pummel our greatest insecurities as the catalyst to healing them.

      Your Mum is simply the BIG focal point of that healing lesson.

      I hope this makes sense..

      Mel xo

      • Ana.pinzon10@gmail.com'
        Ana
        April 23, 2015

        Hello I read your article and it really makes a lot of sense. I am in fact a recovering narcissist myself and I really would like to get help. I have been in therapy for many years because I experienced trauma many times over throughout my childhood. I also experienced some in my teenage years. I was in a really horrible vulnerable state full of fear and traumatized that I copied the same behavior of my mom who is also a narcissist and she will not change for sure. I don’t want to be like her but I know that unfortunately I am, I have been told by my last psychologist that I don’t have narcissistic personality disorder but I do have a narcissistic personality. I do use my boyfriend for narcissistic supply emotionally and I admit it and I am ashamed of it I really want to learn how to get better and I am honestly looking for your help, I hate that I have hurt him the same way my mom did to me. That is why I am saying please help me so that I can be a better person and get rid of my full self as well as become more in touch with my true self, I want to love my boyfriend and others the way he loves me so I can be more successful in relationships. I really look forward to what you have to say.

  • romancer2323@gmail.com'
    Lorrie
    September 25, 2013

    I am so thankful that my N divorced me. He has not spoken to me in over a year, and I have not tried to contact him since the divorce was finalized. I was afraid of my reaction if he decided to contact me, so I am also thankful for Melanie’s insights to strengthen my resolve. For the first time in 37 years I am not hanging on to any hope that our “true love” is real. I know that contrary to what he said about my ability to see reality, it is his grasp on reality that is tenuous, at best. Now I can pursue my dreams and I can work on letting him go, finally, once and for all. I do not need another person to validate my existence. Thank you, Melanie, for coming into my life by magic at exactly the right time!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 26, 2013

      Hi Lorrie,

      That is wonderful that you have let go of that false hope.

      Gorgeous that you do not need another to validate your existence!!

      That is a big one that does make co-dependents a match for N’s – because N’s don’t have any existence without outside validation..

      Great job!

      Mel xo

  • lucy.mae@westnet.com.au'
    Lucy
    September 25, 2013

    Contrary to common wisdom, I had no trouble in getting my narcissist to visit a mental health nurse, who referred him to a psychologist, who offered him psychiatry and hypnosis (he greatly enjoyed the attention, of course!)

    Early on,

  • lucy.mae@westnet.com.au'
    Lucy
    September 25, 2013

    (sorry, hit the post button by mistake.)

    Contrary to common wisdom, I had no trouble in getting my narcissist to visit a mental health nurse, who referred him to a psychologist, who offered him psychiatry and hypnosis (he greatly enjoyed the attention, of course!)

    Early on, he invited me to a session with the mental health nurse, and I found it very strange. I recall noticing how ‘fondly’ she was watching him, and thinking, ‘It’s almost as though she’s infatuated with him’.
    I didn’t mean it. Yet, shortly after I left – she moved in!

    Outwardly, he blossomed under her attention, followed his passion (learnt what work is!), did some study, has published some stuff.

    I can’t help being curious, though, how the relationship panned out, what she expected of it, or him, and whether she really got anything out of it.

    So, he certainly achieved more work-wise out of many years’ close association with the mental health services – but as a human being? I doubt it. I do know one thing – he still has the narcissist strut!

    A few really good reasons for getting him into the mental health system – and they have nothing whatever to do with him!
    1. Rightly or wrongly, I felt safer. He wasn’t habitually violent, but the potential was there.
    2. One session with a mental health nurse, and one with the psychologist, and it became impossible for me to deceive myself any longer – his behaviour with them was so normal and so reasonable, that I could simply no longer deny that he was saving his bad behaviour for me – it was deliberate.
    3. The pyschologist asked me two questions that amazingly, stunningly, I had never asked of myself (avoided, I suppose.)
    Did I think he could become less extreme? And when I said, probably, if someone held his hand and carted him round in their pocket, he said, “But that someone is not gonna be you??”

    Big Wakeup Call.

    I agree that the mental health services probably can’t do a lot for narcissism. But don’t avoid them for that reason – because they can do a helluva lot for YOU.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 26, 2013

      Hi Lucy,

      yes there is the odd N – who will absolutely thrive on being ‘defective’ and getting attention – it is not usually the norm though…

      I have heard that story before of N’s charming their therapists!!

      I can totally see how this would work – N’s knowing how – at close proximity to mirror / engulf / infiltrate, and therapists (fixers) being SO susceptible to a narc!

      Mel xo

      • kim.lohr@hotmail.ca'
        Kim
        September 27, 2013

        My N charmed our therapist. Before therapy, I researched and had a pre-appointment discussion with my therapist, asking her about her experience and approach with abusive men in couples’ therapy. After a couples’ session with her, dominated by my N, I was shocked to find out that the therapist later that same month booked an appointment with my N in his office for her own personal legal problem! She did not know that my N and I worked together in his office. I felt betrayed by the therapist, who knew many details of how abusive he had been. That she sought him out professionally also confused me further – I thought at that time that maybe I was the real problem, not him. I know better now. I realize that I did not have just an everyday abuser, but a Narcissist abuser, capable of fooling, duping, charming anyone. And that therapy with the N was further damaging.

  • psyche@iinet.net.au'
    Suzanne
    September 25, 2013

    Hi Mel. Thanks for this article. I was reminded of the terrible time I had during my relationship long ago with my ex when what he was doing was reprehensible. I spent several years learning that his behaviour was no reflection on me but it was a very painful and confusing time and costly for my life. My most recent N relationship was not as destructive, but still destructive enough for me to realise that if it continued, I would exhaust my rapidly diminishing inner resources, would get very sick and already my self-esteem was suffering greatly. It was at that point, out of desperation, that I discovered you and your work. I am not sure how exactly, but I am very thankful to have discovered you and NARP. The difference this time is that I have become more aware of the deep inner programmes that allowed me to become involved deeply with another N and to realise that unless the destructive beliefs are released at an energy level, they remain to cause havoc, keep me imprisoned in my unhealed wounds, and prevent me from living the wonderful life I deserve. I have also realised that it is critical to commit to the healing process fully with no distractions. These distractions are insidious and often inoccuous, taking the form of being glad to be out of the relationship, doing the modules ‘later’, imagining that the healing is done etc. etc. However, when faced with the pain and flashbacks that make it apparent that there is still internal pain to be released, I become aware that there is more to do. I have also become aware that healing MUST take priority because since I am the creator of my life, my real life will only emerge as I take responsibility and do the modules and release all those old negative beliefs. I am not out of the woods yet. As for my ex-boyfriend, I think he hoped that I would somehow continue to be a source of supply. However, when confronted with feedback about the damage he caused in my home and that he was not able to return until he demonstrated long-term evidence that he had changed his ways; with specific criteria and demonstrable trustworthiness over time i.e. some years; along with payment for all damages; he disappeared completely out of sight. I guess that I had made sufficient changes and the energy was such that he knew the game was up. So, unlike the N who is unlikely to change, I AM committed to being whole and addressing and clearing every hidden belief that does not serve my highest good.Since I have done some modules this week and am about to do another tonight, I have noticed a return of joy and a depth of peacefulness that is different and deeper than I have experienced in my whole life. I seem to be trusting more that my life will work out and I will not die. I am also sleeping better and deeper than I have for many years. I am my major project and trust that as I continue with the modules and root out the beliefs, my life on the outer will be unlike anything I have hoped to ever experience. Up until now, it has been one long, drawn-out struggle. It will be lovely to have my life develop an easy flow and trust that it will get better and better. I tried to join the FB part of your programme but did not get any response. Is it possible to join that part of the programme please Mel?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 26, 2013

      Hi Suzanne,

      you are very welcome.

      That is fantastic that you are facing the releasing of the inner wounds directly now.

      It is so true Suzanne, we can disown our inner wounds but we cannot escape them – they continue to play out as long as they remain trapped and locked inside us.

      The more we ‘disown’ them the more life delivers them ‘in our face’ on a silver platter saying “You need to look at this!”

      Absolutely accountability is unacceptable to a narc…

      This is why he never fronted, followed through – or ‘came good’.

      It is simply NOT Possible..

      The biggest reason is because of the angry 5 year old emotional intelligence stunted in an adult body who feels like the ‘victim’ and believes his extremely poor behaviour was justififed because of how horribly YOU treated him.

      That is so lovely you have cleared the recent big stuff, and reached a plateau of greater evoliton and liberation as a result..

      I knew you were on the very cusp of a big breakdown / breakthrough last week!

      Yay – that is lovely news – that you have gone up a level!!

      I will get straight on to getting you in the Group Suzanne, and so sorry this has been help up for some reason..

      Mel xo

      • psyche@iinet.net.au'
        Suzanne
        September 26, 2013

        Hi Mel. I am realising something else as well as I continue to take responsibility for everything in my life. I am removing everything that does not match me. In the past, I would have kept these people and situations around because they were on the outside of me and there was a hope inside me that if they were there, I would not have to feel abandoned, face my trauma, remove distractions and so on. Now, something is different. After the Module Two last night, more stuff has come up to be cleared. It seems that I am having recollections of all the horrible things that my ex-boyfriend did and said. It is as though I am re-experiencing all the horrible times. I am also getting clarity about all the things that were so confusing and starting to see why he was doing all the strange behaviours that affected me so badly. It is all starting to make so much sense. I am going to do another Module Two tonight and see if there can be more clearing. I did not sleep so well last night but think that all that has happened is that there is more stuff to clear. In the Module Two, I realised that what I was hoping to get from my ex-boyfriend was a fantasy that he was incapable of meeting. I also realised that the horrible feelings I experienced are feelings that are avoidable and which I never want to feel on an ongoing basis ever again. Those feelings are warning me to set strong boundaries. I did not realise how much unhealed stuff there was inside me. I am also realising that anything from the outside that does not match me, has to go. I think that in the past, I tried to make the other person’s reality fit with mine to my detriment. It is no wonder that those relationships could not work. Now, I am not changing anything intrinsic about me. A person who is good for me will fit easily into my life without either of us having to change anything about the other. I had it all backwards before. I hope that soon, I am healed enough to have no emotional charge about my ex-boyfriend. During and after the healing session last night, I got a resurgence of old feelings of wanting him to come back (but hopefully in a different form – not possible I know). It was quite powerful. I was wondering if this is the old patterns and peptide addiction seeking to stay in my body and wanting to hold on because it knows I want it to disappear and it wants to stay. I was surprised that the feelings were so strong. I have not felt like that for ages. I was actually wanting to contact my ex-boyfriend (BAD MOVE) So, is it possible that these feelings of wanting him back are simply the addiction holding on because it knows that as I continue the work, I will become whole. Still in no-man’s land but hanging in there. After the release I had the other day and the peace and joy I felt, I am thinking that these feelings might come back again once I clear all the stuff that came up last night.

  • Margarit72@aol.com'
    Jane M.
    September 25, 2013

    Melanie,
    My ex narc didn’t grow up with abusive parents. They didn’t abandon him, or engulf him. They rather seems like such a loving couple, and that was one of the things causing me to think when I met the narc many years ago that he had good role models, so our marriage will be good (boy I was wrong about how the marriage will turn out..). But again: I know that his parents are not narcs- I’ve known them for years. I always thought, though ,that they were enabling his behavior, and made excuses for him when he was mistreating me. But how did he become so bad if his parents , while enablers, are not capable of anything he has done to me, and are loving and nice people that never abandoned him or abused him?
    Thank you,
    Jane M.

    • Taratreehugger@gmail.com'
      Tara Loughran
      September 26, 2013

      Hi Jane,

      Just because you didn’t see any abuse doesn’t mean it wasn’t there in his childhood. Many families look perfect on the outside and no one knows (including the members who are in denial) about the horrific abuse that went on.

      • Margarit72@aol.com'
        Jane M.
        September 26, 2013

        Tara,
        I was saddened to hear about your experience, which I read below. Shocking that a parent would treat a child like that. But in my case, I’m pretty certain (although agree with you I’ll never know for sure) that none of that happened at my ex narc’s family of origin. What I have seen, though, is that when I would tell his mom about the horrific things he did to me (the lies, the insane behavior, the projections) she would respond with: “yes, this is wrong what he did, but it takes two for a tango.” A response that would always leave me puzzled that she somehow could find me responsible to any of his behavior.
        But her response (and it was consistent throughout my very long marriage to the narc) made me suspect that she raised him in a way that enabled his behavior; for example, I thought that let’s say a teacher would tell her (when he was young) that he did something inappropriate in school- perhaps she would tell him that his behavior was wrong but she may have also conveyed to him a message that the teacher was somehow wrong too.
        And maybe that kind of parenting made my ex narc not to own to his misdeeds?
        But other than the enabling that I’ve witnessed, the ex narc mom and dad are very warm, nice people and still seem to be in great relationship. So, I’m wondering would that kind of enabling cause someone to become wired as a narcissist ? Mel, hope you can answer that. Thanks.

        • psyche@iinet.net.au'
          Suzanne
          September 26, 2013

          Hello Jane. I read what you wrote with interest and had a thought I would like to share with you.Sometimes the nicest people are the most dangerous because underneath the niceness is lurking a person who is negating the reality of the other person. You mention that your mother-in-law would say that ‘it takes 2 to tango’. In that one statement alone, she is negating your reality. That is what is so destructive when we don’t have a strong inner hold on our truth. A suppportive response would have been something like ‘I can see that what he has done has hurt you deeply’. Simplistic I know, but would affirm what your inner self knew.My mother is a very nice person too, but she stole my daughter and when I have tried to share how I feel, she is not able to support my inner reality at all, therefore I realise that she is untrustworthy where I am concerned. No wonder I grew up so unloved. There is an appearance of love with no underlying substance. I had to break away completely from my family of origin simply to survive and see them rarely. I am getting on much better without them. My daughter has been alienated from me via poisoning by her father and my family; particularly my mother. So, although your mother-in-law is ostensibly loving and kind on the surface, it seems that the energy underneath the outside is not as innocuous as it appears.

      • laface2010@yahoo.com'
        Luann
        September 26, 2013

        I’m no expert but I’m guessing the enabling had lots to do with it.

        If when he was a little boy on up to adulthood, his parents were allowing inappropriate behaviors and excusing him, then I’d think the result would be feelings of entitlement and an “I can do know wrong” attitude. (Arrogance)…two traits of narcissism right there.

        You even said in your comment that his mom excused his mistreatment of you. If she was doing that while he was married to you that wouldn’t have been new behavior of hers.

        It was and always will remain a pattern for her…unless she changes it. But we know how likely that is even for someone who isn’t a narcissist.

        That part of your comment reminded me of my own mother. She excused my brother for blowing up on me once as an emotional reaction.

        I can tell you that if it was a conversation about me blowing up on him she would have said something like, “Can’t you see how your behavior causes people to walk on egg shells around you.”

        I finally saw how enabling she was in the dynamic in my own parents marriage as a wife as well as to the emotional abuse of us kids by my father.

        She then became enabling in my siblings abuse and bullying of me later.

        It can be a very manipulating dynamic that can result in the feeling of “it must be me.”

        I know I carry my own share of responsibility but their actions were abusive and not acceptable. However my mother apparently didn’t see it that way.

        Probably one of the hardest things for me to admit to myself was that my own mother enabled and even contributed in the bullying and emotionally manipulating me.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        September 26, 2013

        Hi Tara,

        this is also very true..

        There can be N families that to the ‘outside’ appear ‘picture perfect’.

        Mel xo

    • grollalion@yahoo.com'
      Laura G
      September 26, 2013

      Jane,

      I have developed a theory about some narcissists, that it doesn’t take “horrific abuse,” as Melanie calls it. I think it takes a decision, based on shame and fear, that being oneself is much worse than making up a lie. Both the narcissists I have been with were the youngest, spoiled, doted on, permitted, and financially well-off. There is some studies that think genetics may have a hand in their make-up and I could see that. But if you look at this as a spiritual lesson, I think it is a phase of soul development of the ego that decides the ego is more important than the soul. We who learn from the narcissists may have some need to really “get” that the ego destroys while the spirit builds. I don’t know. But the narcissists in my life do not fit the horrific abuse pattern either. It was one of the reasons I had such a hard time identifying them.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        September 26, 2013

        Hi Laura,

        this is definitely referring to the ‘excessive entitlement’ that I posted about earlier to Jane.

        Definitely ‘doting’ can be incredibly damaging.

        I agree that narcissism is a decision to ‘marry’ one’s ego – to work from the premise of fear, separation and survival of the fittest…and to forego Oneness, connections and ‘sameness’ with others.

        So, so true that the ego destroys and the spirit builds. I could not agree more – truly.

        I can imagine that it would have been so hard to identify – it is for many people when it does not seem to fit the ‘standard’ mould.

        Mel xo

    • tplovie@gmail.com'
      Tiffany
      September 26, 2013

      Hi Jane,

      The behavior you are describing (and as others have shared) is entitlement. If you ask me, raising a child without boundaries and with the experience that anything in life is theirs, just for the taking, sounds a lot like abuse!

      Also, your MIL’s reply reveals great inner hurt, denial and how she feels about a woman’s role in a relationship, that no matter how bad it is, the woman is to blame… For not being a good enough wife, not trying hard enough to please him or giving enough. All of which we know is baloney… However, your husband grew up watching his parents interactions, and regardless of how subtle it is, he unfailingly noticed that his mother saw herself beneath his dad. Therefore, he could treat you any way and to his liking (his entitlement ensures that), and if you objected it was just a further sign that nothing is worng with him and that something is wrong with YOU!

      Sounds like a good recipe for a narcissist to me!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 26, 2013

      Hi Jane,

      it is very true that ‘excessive entitlement’ can create narcs.

      Poor boundaries, not stating or holding a limit of ‘no’, and not allowing a child to learn through the laws of actions and consequence.

      This is the enabling you speak of…

      Many co-dependents, people with poor boundary function and who dislike confrontation, and don’t like dealing with uncomfortable emotions are ‘enablers’.

      Mel xo

  • claytonruth@rocketmail.com'
    ruth
    September 25, 2013

    for me, letting go that I cannot fix him, means accepting the pain of loss, the pain of facing who he is and who I am, the pain of accepting what I so deeply wish I could change, but cannot. It is death to a dream, and birth to something new and real. I just wish he could have joined me, and walked through the door with me in to courageous truth and love. I accept that he did not, could not join me. I wish him well, though i cannot have him in my life in any shape or form.

    • grollalion@yahoo.com'
      Laura G
      September 26, 2013

      Ruth,

      I am still struggling to accept the loss of the dream as I leave. Thank you for saying that so eloquently. I, too, dreamed of him walking though the door with me…my father, too, all of us healed by love. Sigh. The truth keeps taking effort for me to accept.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 26, 2013

      Hi Ruth,

      It is a huge letting go – on so many levels..

      Ultimately our true liberation is the letting go of the parts of us that were attracting and living the illusion of requiring someone else to be a Source to ourself, rather than creating our abundance, love and life through ourselves – directly as our own healthy Source.

      That is when the true letting go, joy, and evolution is experienced.

      The N’s in our lives were powerful opportunities to grow to this level.

      Mel xo

      • claytonruth@rocketmail.com'
        ruth
        September 28, 2013

        yes, so true. True also, that had I been whole within myself, i would not have had this longing in the first place, and would have been no match for him. The dream was about me completing myself, and now I see I can do this only inside, and do not need him to be complete. When need comes before love, that tips me off to stop and pay attention. I guess what I am grieving is death to an illusion that seemed so real.

  • nielsenlyn@gmail.com'
    lyn
    September 26, 2013

    Thank you Mel,
    This is the best written depiction of Narc behavior and the truth about fixing them I have ever read. And I have read alot about it.
    I have been married to women narcissist for 41 years and it has been a worse than horrible experience.
    I have received your emails for a couple years now. I have never signed up for you programs because being a christian I cannot go to the vibration thing. But you continue to send me help and for that I can truly say your heart has to be into helping people fix themselves, because you have been there and you know how ugly it is and impossible to deal with. Thank You so much!!
    Lead on Mel!
    You are a inspiration to me and have helped me more than you could ever imagine.
    For the christians out there read 2 Timothy chapter 3. This is a description of a narc. and what does Paul say how to deal with them : have nothing to do with them!
    Lyn

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 26, 2013

      Hi Lyn,

      You are very welcome.

      This is what fascinates me – that the vibrational thing is shied away from by some Christians.

      First of all please do know that there are many, many Christians who use NARP, because it is unconditionally loving, supportive and non-denominational.

      Now back to the vibration ‘thing’…

      Lyn your entire life is ‘vibration’. Your five sense are all registering ‘vibration’…Your emotions are your own ‘vibration’.

      Everything in your world surrounding you is ‘vibration’ vibrating at a particular frequency to emit signals that make these objects appear ‘physical’….

      You say you cannot go to the ‘vibration thing’ – yet your world is one where there is no avoiding vibration every millisecond of every day.

      I cannot imagine any God of choice, Creator, Life or Source not wanting you to work directly with vibration when your entire life is nothing BUT vibration (where it is all REALLY going on) already.

      Mel xo

      • pattiwill1977@yahoo.com'
        Patti
        September 26, 2013

        I am a Christian myself and at first really wasn’t sure how I felt about this “shifting” and “vibration” thing. But, you know, I have tried just about everything else and prayed for YEARS for answers to the emotional stuckness that has kept me in fear and torment, and that ultimately got me involved with a narcissist.

        I truly believe that Melanie and her work are an answer to these prayers. I have done NARC and it has helped very much, as well reading all of her ebooks, which have, at the very least, made me understand how and why I feel the ways that I do (and of course why I ended up with a narcissist). I desperately needed that information…and validation!

        God made our bodies, He made our very vulnerable emotions, He gave us the ability to love and to hurt. And just as we look to modern medicine to heal our body when we are diseased, I believe He has answers to our emotional “dis-eases” too, through people such as Melanie who have dedicated their life to leading people to freedom. I truly believe God gave Melanie answers to help us!

        Mel is right. Our subconscious is running our life, really! This is where the problem and the answer is.

        God is BIG and can use any measure of unconventional avenues to bring about healing in our minds and souls. Yes, He can wave a magic wand and we would be healed instantly ( and I know people with whom that has been the case), but I think He has greater, broader purposes for the way He restores our souls. Melanie and her story is just one example of that.

        “Shifts” in our emotions can happen as we read the Bible, in “aha” moments when we have a sudden understanding, and, I believe we can consciously shift our emotions as we are led through the process that NARP provides. Bringing junk up, and consciously moving it out.

        I ask Jesus to join me in my healing times. I believe He is the author of all knowledge, healing and wants to see us live in freedom even more that we do.

        • claytonruth@rocketmail.com'
          ruth
          September 29, 2013

          Hello Patti and Lyn. I don’t typically jump in to other’s conversations but feel some ability to contribute here.I am a Christian and deeply committed to God and walking in God’s ways. While there is new age literature out there that is anti-god, and even props up the god of self, over the Creator, all truth belongs to God, wherever it be found. God can use what is truth here, to safely help guide you on your healing journey. Many churches are afraid of outside influences, and often with good reason.God’s word also says perfect love casts out fear, and there is no fear in love. I personally have needed to evaluate how sometimes narcissism creeps in to the church as much as it can in some new age teachings. It is up to us, to prayerfully ask God to guide us, teach us in all truth, and lead us.I have found great value and importance in being open to wherever God leads me and that healing has come in sometimes the most unexpected places. This is never at the expense of doctrinal truth but flows in tandem. May you be blessed and enjoy the value you can apply from here. It has truly enriched my faith and deep healing in ways that could only have come from the Divine.

    • season5096@gmail.com'
      Rozanne
      September 28, 2013

      Hi Lyn

      I believe that the `vibration thing’ helps us to experience a higher purer state of living in this world. We feel and show love, kindness, respect and all the good qualities so much more then. It becomes easier to do so and Melanies programs show us how to release the negative emotions so that the good values can shine through.

      Feeling and showing love from a pure authentic state can never be `wrong’.

      The Bible teaches us to love and now I know HOW to do s

      I hope this helps you to understand it better. Many blessings to you.

  • Carolreedjobson@gmail.com'
    Lee
    September 26, 2013

    After a rough divorce from a Narc, I was just courted by another. Seeing the same patterns of control up close again made it easy for me to stand my ground, and say goodbye. The interesting part, though, is how much it helped me to review my first courtship through the Narc lens. A lot of healing and self forgiveness flooded in through my opened eyes. The second one did me no harm- I was clinical, observing, even experimenting- if I don’t cave in to his demands, if I explain his behavior- what happens? I learned- holding my boundaries confused him, he was tiring of me. Calling him on his bullying- he misdirected in a nonapology. As Spock would say -Fascinating.

    • jackie@jackiejeffery.com'
      Jackie
      September 26, 2013

      I had a similar experience…. received attention from an extroverted, larger than life, dynamic man only to realize quite quickly that he was narcisstic. I, too, turned it into an experiment, observing what he did when I behaved in varying ways. It was liberating and illuminating, and helped me put my recent divorce in healthier perspective.

    • Taratreehugger@gmail.com'
      Tara Loughran
      September 26, 2013

      That’s really cool that you could do that! I wonder if I would be able to do that with my ex step mom if I ever had contact with her again. I used to be so terrified of her even an email from her would traumatize me for days. But I’ve healed a lot and recently I ran into her – didn’t actually talk but I saw her and she saw me – and though I was slightly shaken, after I left the store I was fine! I really was. I think I have no fear of her anymore! I’m wary, because I know how she operates, but I’m not afraid.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 26, 2013

      Hi Lee,

      This is wonderful that you are seeing and breaking the cycle and honouring yourself.

      Well done!!

      Yes it is fascinating when you pull back, lay boundaries, see it clearly and no longer personalise it..

      The N behaviour is totally obvious.

      Mel xo

  • Taratreehugger@gmail.com'
    Tara Loughran
    September 26, 2013

    Hi. I was raised by someone with NPD and she made me into the scapegoat, projecting all her own fears and stuff on me – accusing me of being exactly what she was (I now realize). I already knew all this, but it was amazed to read the part about the only way you belive a NPD person could actually heal – it is EXACTLY what she tried to do to me.

    As a teen there were periods (esp during the summer) when I was kept in solitary confinement in my room and the “purpose” (which I believed at the time) was to isolate me from all escapism and force me to HEAL. She made me believe that I was an evil sadistic person who would fool everyone out there in the world and she was the only one who really saw through me. And that the only way out was to FACE THE DEEP HORRORS inside me and go through the agony.

    I swear to god! This happened (to varying degrees) from when I was 12 to 21. It was like being a prisoner of war. I feel like I missed out on my entire adolescence. Thank god for the fact that school is legally required as it was my only escape.

    Please respond to this. I’d like to talk to you more and find out if there are more people who have experienced this from a child’s perpective. Especially in the scapegoat role. I no longer have any contact with her, but unfortunately my brother and sister, who were treated as the Golden Child, are still ensnared in her web and we are completely estranged. She’s turned them against me.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 26, 2013

      Hi Tara,

      you went through a horrible time of your mother projecting on to you – just awful…

      Tara I am going to send you my email addy to discuss this further.

      Yes, I have seen this before, and yes I have worked with people before to release and heal the wounds of this – it is possible..and totally necessary to be free of that trauma.

      Emailing you now so that we can converse more..

      Mel xo

  • Clare.twohy@gmail.com'
    Eve
    September 26, 2013

    Dear Tara,
    Yes, I had the same situation exactly- I’m almost 30, and bent over backwards to try to make the family “work”, constantly trying to avoid my narcissist mother while trying to protect a severely codependent father- and feel too like I missed out so many of the pleasures (and important learning lessons) of youth.

    When I was struggling severely emotionally, and wanting space, about to begin the NARP program, my entire family told me that I was wrong to ask for space, had to put my mother’s needs first, that she was helpless and didn’t know what to do to heal…. (I’d already offered her all the self-help, healing tips and insights known to me for years with zero commitment to change on her part).
    I too have been kind of “searching for the narcissist within” for a long time, exaggerating my faults, combing through every interaction to find some horrible inviolable truth of evil in myself…
    My mother’s projections were truly bizarre and out-of-control, such as accusing me of stealing jewelry she had GIVEN me, saying I STOLE it, and said it “looked better on me” (never happened), saying I stole my brother and father’s affection away from her, saying I didn’t deserve my successes, that it was odd that I had friends and that I would certainly lose them etc etc.

    I was successful in many aspects of my life, and did not really feel “damaged”, but looking back, always felt weighed down and guilty most of my life. I really did internalize so much of the bullshit I was externally fighting.

    I keep wanting to be finished with all this, but find myself still suffering, though out of the N addiction.

    It is clear to me now that my mother convinced the rest of my family that she is the victim, and I the perpetrator.
    Sometimes it’s best just to cut your losses and run. It’s sad that she is not changing, and that anyone gets “families” like this, but we can retrain ourselves. To anyone who has had a completely invalidating family- please take your time- do NOT expect your beautiful golden buddha to emerge in a couple months of NARP.
    And I think it’s important to share and remember some of the bad things periodically, especially in our situations, to remember that we DID try our best, had good intentions at heart, and were by virtue of our humanity, fighting a losing battle from the start.
    Good luck, and Namaste. I have finally gotten to the place where I believe through and through, that to have a life you’ve created from the ground up, is worth all the pain.

    We are very brave. No question this is one of the hardest life journeys of all.

  • Clare.twohy@gmail.com'
    Eve
    September 26, 2013

    p.s. to answer your question more directly, I was not locked in my room, but was told that doing very basic things for myself in the outside world would harm her, or my father. If I told her of a plan which did anything which triggered her paranoia (about loss of control), she would threaten emotional abandonment for all time, in the most dramatic ways.

    I felt, absolutely, like a hostage. I felt that anything I did of my own initiative would cause harm.

    • Taratreehugger@gmail.com'
      Tara
      September 28, 2013

      Hi Eve,

      So you were the scapegoat too. Yes, I know that feeling that doing anything (even shaving my legs) without checking with her first was not allowed. I didn’t date or go to prom or do any of those high school things, and some of the time it was because she forbid me to, but after awhile I just stopped asking. It was too painful when she said no.

  • toverduin@bigpond.com'
    Tatiana
    September 26, 2013

    Oh Melanie, what a sad prognosis. Where does it leave the narc? Are family who love him just meant to abndon someone who is so deeply troubled? I really struggle with this issue. I am a compassionate, forgiving person. Yes, I get my feelings hurt when he says something that is insensitive or selfish. But isn’t that just my ego getting in the way? If I m truly a whole person who knows that true happiness is achieved from myna strength then when my feelings get hurt from him or anyone else for that matter (which of course is inevitable) shouldn’t I be resilient enough to allow those errors to bounce off me? My narc says sorry. He does say hinge but as you point out, he can help it. He sees that I’m hurt, and says sorry. It doesn’t take away what was said but at least my response is acknowledged. At work at the moment, there is a lot of stress. People all around me are like lions seeking someone to devour with adding stress to others already busy shedule. I refuse to fall into their trap. I simply walk away, choosing not to react. If needed, I will respond ‘in love’. Even if they have hurt me. Because I don’t want to be like that anymore. Its really difficult to walk away from a man who I’ve spent most of my life with, has fathered my children (who have also abandoned him because he’s too hard) and a man who is a grandfather of 5 grandchildren with me. He can’t even see them. If the whole abandons these people because our ego find it too hard, because they’ll never heal and be the people we expect them to be – who will love them? I’m not criticizing you Mel x you’re blogs have been so incredibly helpful for me, over and over again, and the NARP program lifting me out of despair. Thank you dear lady. What wisdom, thank you. But I have the ability because I’m no longer co-dependent. And I’m not a narc. But I do have a heart of love. I can’t hate, ignore, abandon a man who has cried deeply tears of sorrow to me. Who no-one seems to be able to handle. I am his only friend. What does a friend do? Abandon them when times get too tough? Then is my ol ego getting in the way again. It’s a tou ne Mel. I’m not sure if I’m right het. I might just not be able to do this. I don’t know yet. But if I live my life ‘one moment at a time’ as Eckhart Tolle says to do, which vie being doing, and I love this way of life, I have already let go what he said that hurt. I’m free, with him or without him. But I love him, warts n all. Id love to hear your response. Much love Mel. Truly thank you for what you do 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 26, 2013

      Hi Tatiana,

      yes it is sad, but that is unfortunately what a society devoid regarding imparting emotional awareness, and healthy inner development has created.

      It all gets down to loving ourselves enough to stop trying to fix..

      Where does it leave the narc – hopefully ONE day narcs will take responsibility and heal…(they can – they just don’t choose to)..

      And that one day will more than likley be (if ever) when people stop enabling them to abuse.

      Imagine this – if everyone said ‘No more – you’re on your own’, and narcs could no longer avoid their wounds with narc supply – then they would HAVE to take responsibility for their inner wounds and stop battering everyone else with them!

      Tatiana it sounds like your N is NOT NPD…NPD’s do not apologise (not until world war three has gone on for weeks) and they escalate instead of pulling their head in…

      In reagrd to a true NPD, or a really unliveable abuser – the most loving thing you can ever do for them is abandon them…period..

      To allow an abuser to continue abusing and not take responsibility for why they abuse IS an act of abuse..

      Too often Tatiana, that is all cloaked up in ‘I don’t want to abandon him – I love him” – yet horrendous abuse is NOT love..

      And truly the REAL reasons I find consistently is the absolute dread of being alone, having to start again and let go of the dream that we thought was the answer to our own fears and insecurities.

      So sorry Tatana I do not easily buy the ‘feeling sorry for narcs’…not when I see people lose their sanity and emotional wellbeing, or develop terminal illnesses, or commit suicide because of the horrendous abuse, degradation and malicious treatment they suffer…or the horrendous scars and agonies this creates for their children.

      In fact I am incredible passionate about NOT granting ‘ I feel sorry for you’ to horrendous abusers and staying attached to them.

      Feel compassion for them from a distance, to save yourself and the people you love.

      Mel xo

      • toverduin@bigpond.com'
        Tatiana
        September 26, 2013

        Thankyou Mel. I totally agree with you that enabling is definitely not on. I certainly say NO many times which does really help my N stop and think about his actions. I think you’re right, my N is not a real NARC because that kind of cruelty, driving people to self-harm is pure evil and completely unlovable. I have learnt such a lot over the last 7months about NPD, co-dependence and emotional pain that people carry through NARP, you’re blog, and other readings. I certainly have learnt to take greater control of my feelings, shift and bracket fear and move forward through personal inner strength. I understand that no-one is responsible for my happiness except for me. My N does apologize and make attempts to create greater happiness in his life. He asked me last night how he could find happiness and I was able to share that truth. He finds it very difficult to express his feelings and then projects his frustrations on others, but I do not let him do that anymore. I own my own feelings. This has helped him to open up over the last week and identify what he is feeling. But I tell you its been a long painful journey with many times me taking a very firm stand on NO. including him not living with me for most of the year. You’re newsletters are empowering for women and men who want to grow in self-empowerment. To be in touch with ones own feelings breaks down fear and creates more love. Thanks again for your answer. .

      • Cadubecq@verizon.net'
        Cheryl
        December 29, 2017

        I used to tell my N ex that if anyone could conquer this he could because he was so intelligent and I find that is a trait of Narcs is that they are very smart. Do you agree ? I just wonder what their reaction would be to reading your article. Would they see themselves in it or just be completely in denial?

  • juliaoks@live.com'
    Julia
    September 26, 2013

    Hello Melanie!! Thank you for the article, and the healing programs that are very helpful in my recovery and healing. I have noticed since my childhood, teen years to adulthood not fitting into my family circle, as they (my mother, father, and 2 younger sisters) switch their attitudes and behaviors unexpectedly, without apparent reason towards me.. from being supportive and seemingly loving like playing a role of a friendly, loving individual(mostly in social interactions), to an abusive, mean, malicious, cruel, critical, envious individuals.. bullies.. and then switch back like their abusive behaviors have never happened and expect me to show my love, support, graciousness towards them. My mom demonstrates pathological lying, abusive behaviors, and rarely acknowledges when she does something wrong.. and have never acknowledged to me she used abusive behaviors towards me i.e. using on a regular basis projections, manipulation, blame, devaluing, belittling, demeaning, talking to family friends and family members, as if I am hurting her ( not sure how, she never says how exactly I hurt her), and being “bad”, that my sisters picked up from an early age, made an alliance with the mother to talk negatively about me .. saying I’m “the bad one” behind my back, while being nice into my face. I see them as being bullies, without any remorse, consciousness, who choose to scapegoat, humiliate and abuse in order to get ego boosts, and vent their negative feelings about themselves, frustrations, anger onto me, and I see them being rude and mean to other people like their friends, and many of whom decide not to continue have a friendship with them. Throughout my childhood and teen years, my mother was saying to others that I misbehaved very often, giving her hard times when in my opinion I was a well behaved child, who was loving and supportive towards her. I took care of my sisters since I was about 10 years old, took them to kindergarten, schools, and gave them a lot of love, support, nurturance, I was there for them. The mother and father had marital issues as long as I remember, often fighting and involving me into their conflicts, using triangulation as if I’m supposed to resolve their issues, conflicts, say something to either one of them to “make things ok for them”. Few years ago, the mother had an affair with her ex-boyfriend, she went to another country for a week, said it’s a classmate reunion. Later, I learned she went to another country to meet the man she had an affair with, there was no classmate reunion, and a couple of friends that she met in that country said she told them she came because of her job, that is not true. When confronted, she looked into my eyes and was saying things that are obviously lies, and she knew I knew the truth and still lied into my face. Throughout years, in general sisters and mother were being abusive towards me, emotionally, psychologically, physically, and got away from any consequences for their abusive behaviors. For instance, at family gatherings, since I was about 8 years old, my middle sister and then youngest when she got older, often hit me hard into my stomach with their leg without any apparent reason, and when I tried to stand up for myself, said not to do it again, family members would say, ” Quiet, we’re watching TV. You’re bothering us. You’re older, and supposed to forgive your sisters. Not having support, any authority figure to say enough with the abuse.. was tough, and expectations from the family members for me not say anything back to them after they attack me to get their ego boosts, vent their negative feelings about themselves, such as anger and frustrations onto me, like I am a bag of potatoes, without any feelings, without any rights, without a voice that is a message I get in interactions and communications with the family members.. made me feel confused, dehumanized, helpless. There is a lot of critique, judgment, demeaning, devaluing towards me from the sisters and parents that is present from my childhood to present day. On some occasions, my youngest sister and mother said I did something to them, never directly saying what exactly, and that I made their lives and other family member’s life miserable, and my sister who I basically raised, said I am the worst person she knows when I confronted her when she was being mean to me, why she talks negatively about me, and switch her behaviors from being nice to mean. In general, I see a lot of history in both of my parents families of origin to have a parent with NPD traits, and the family life is just a masquerade, a show for people outside the family to see what a “perfect family my parents have”, for people to say compliments, show respect to them for being such ” loving, supportive, sacrificing parents” that is in general not factual in my case, since I see myself succeeding not because of their love and support, but despite of their abusive behaviors towards me. I succeeded because of my love and support I gave to myself, and love and support I’ve got from my friends, teachers, and people who I briefly met and said something positive to me at a tough phase in my life so I felt I’m not alone. This is just a tip of a mountain of experiences I had in my family of origin, and I have come to realization not to expect the family members be and stay loving and supportive towards me, that if they are nice to me is to manipulate me for their own personal, ego driven gain and eventually use it against me to further abuse me, by gaining my love and trust towards them. I see a lot of changes for the worse in abusive behaviors that the mother, and youngest sister choose to use against me, and I noticed most of such behaviors are childish, banal, superficial, as if there is no depth into their character, and all they think and preoccupied with is their appearance, social image, popularity, wealth. They walk as if they are very proud of themselves, like the attention is on them, they are the best, and everybody supposed to agree with them, say how great they are. They act domineering, patronizing, talk badly about people ( including me), demean, belittle, and then appear happy, satisfied, better then others, look at people from up down. I noticed sadistic tendencies in the mother, father, and both of my sisters, when they hurt someone in any way, they look happy, glowing in pleasure, very satisfied with themselves, proud, and have no remorse. They then act like they didn’t do anything wrong, didn’t hurt, don’t get any consequences for their actions, and I feel they choose to cause hurt and get away attentionally to get pleasure from knowing they can do wherever they want maladaptively,abuse others, and get away with it without any consequences.
    Thank you so much for the opportunity to share my experiences living with people who appear to have NPD traits, or be a full blown NARC. I appreciate the support I get from the articles, modules, healing instructions, blog, website that are very helpful and informative. I feel I no longer survive, I live a joyful, fulfilling life, thrive, feel complete, and share my love, support, all my positive aspects of self with the world and people who value me, see me and accept me as I am, and earn my trust without any manipulation. I wish all people who went , or go through negative experience with a person who presents NARC traits to know you ‘re not alone, nothing’s impossible, there’s hope and a better tomorrow no matter how bad today may feel and seem.
    I wish you all the best. <3

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 26, 2013

      Hi Julia,

      you are very welcome.

      Thank you for your share, and that is wonderful that you are committed to living your life narc free, and truly claiming your liberation from this.

      Mel xo

      • juliaoks@live.com'
        Julia
        October 16, 2013

        Thank you Melanie!!
        You’re very inspiring, helpful and bring so much positivity into people’s lifes.. into the world.
        Wishing you all the best!
        xoxo
        Julia <3 😀

  • mgranger769@yahoo.com'
    M
    September 26, 2013

    Thank you so much Melanie,

    This is where I have been stuck!! He did such a great job mirroring me, he was telling my story of love and betrayal. Then the love bombing began and well, my story is no different than anyone else’s here.
    I have been doing the work, healing my inner wounds, but I kept getting stuck with “what if he could be healed, am I giving up on someone who has inner wounds like me and can be healed?”
    This is just what I needed to snap out of it, thank you so much!! God Bless!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 26, 2013

      Hi M,

      you are very welcome.

      Yay – so glad you can now snap out of it…

      There are so many people in the world who are non-narcs – who do have ‘normal’ levels of wounding!

      Choose the ‘living’!

      Mel xo

  • stephencoleman95361@yahoo.com'
    stephen
    September 26, 2013

    Our marital therapy went thus: Everything was my fault, I could’t do, say or think anything right. I accepted the blame, my narc wife had me believing I was Satan himself.

    One day I pointed out a fault of my narc wife, she blew up and suddenly that therapist was “NO GOOD” and that was the end of all therapy.

  • palesm12@yahoo.com'
    P.
    September 26, 2013

    The very best thing that happened to me after first discovering that I was indeed involved in an emotionally abusive relationship was learning that he was also a narc and that I was not a factor in who he was. The information I had available to me at the time basically said the same thing Melanie is saying here, that there is no healing with these people. To be honest, even if there was, I was so emotionally drained and exhausted, I did not have it in me to care about him or his issues and problems and I just wanted out asap. When I learned how pathological NPD was, I let go and did a huge “Woosah!” I knew I was not crazy and I also knew I had been good to him and after awhile I began to feel incredibly insulted and incensed to learn that I had been used in such an insidious way like a sacrifice or something. The hardest part to all of this is that I must continue to co-parent with this person…sigh.

    Melanie, what is your advice to people who still have to co-parent a minor child with a narcissist? I seem to notice a lot of the women who tell their stories to you on your show either do not have children with the narc or they have adult children and left after their children were gone.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 26, 2013

      Hi P,

      Re the advice for children…

      Yes some of the Thrivers are co-parenting with ex-narc…Evy and Rozanne still are – straight off the top of my head.

      The reasons why they did not make a big deal about it in the shows is this:

      Because of their inner work they have boundaries, and they know how to keep their focus on their own parenting, and let go of trying to have control over the uncontrollable. They have deeply shifted ‘on the inside’ which means they no longer grant painful energy to the co-parenting which hooks up more angst, handing over supply and ultimately more damage to the children.

      I always STRONGLY suggest for parents who contact me ‘ do the work on yourself first’ – that is so essential…and when you do your children follow…totally – even if you are co-parenting with narcs..

      Here is an article which explains.

      https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/how-to-help-your-children-wh-are-affected-by-narcissists/

      Mel xo

      • palesm12@yahoo.com'
        P.
        September 26, 2013

        Thank you for your response Melanie and the suggested article. I realize after reading your comment that although I have made tremendous strides at freeing myself from him physically and emotionally, even implementing no contact last fall, I see that I do give negative energy to having to co-parent with him because I simply hate it and want to be totally free of him in every way, I see this now. I will work to change my view of having to co-parent with him. Keep up your great work, it is a blessing to so many.

  • hmadisen@comcast.net'
    Holly
    September 26, 2013

    A great article…thanks, Melanie. You saved my life when I found your website. I was just beginning (Feb. 2012) to realize what had happened to me as a child and adult. I had been abused by narcissists, and I was in sad shape. Of course, they had me believing it was all my fault, so thank goodness for your wisdom and experience that explained what was really going on. My recovery and healing have been solid and steady thanks to the modules in the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program…allowing me to move onward and upward into self-acceptance and love for myself. Priceless!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 26, 2013

      Hi Holly,

      you are so welcome.

      This is wonderful that you are healing and liberating YOU! Yay!

      Thank you for your post.

      Mel xo

  • pattiwill1977@yahoo.com'
    Patti
    September 26, 2013

    Hi Mel,

    I have always carried around a lot of horrific shame, as I imagine an N does. This shame makes looking and dealing with my wounds and shortcomings very difficult.

    Somehow, admitting that I have these flaws makes me feel frozen with feelings of being “bad”. Such an icky, scary, panicked feeling, and it just takes me back to my childhood where I was often beaten down with condemnation, shame and feelings of never being good enough.

    I did buy your Empowered Self program as well as your Family of Origin one. I am anxious to get going on these as I really feel they will help. Here’s my question…

    I have done NARP (some modules more than once)but still have some trouble with PTSD when I’m triggered. Is it ok to go ahead and start the Empowered Self even if I’m still struggling a bit with recovering from Narc
    abuse?

    I am so ready to be done focusing on getting over him to really cleaning out the limiting beliefs keeping me from living, breathing, and feeling free in all areas of my life.

    Your thoughts?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 26, 2013

      Hi Patti,

      Shame is a huge kicker!

      Okie…yes, yes and yes…if you are not feeling hooked in to the N anymore (that is the real question do you still feel addicted. or not? If you do still feel pulled, obsessing, addicted then continue with NARP).

      Absolutely Es Course is wonderful for releasing these feelings of ‘self’ which aren’t serving you – shame and all the other usual nasties!

      You may wish to work NARP and ES together – because truly PTSD is so much about lack of belief in self – which can be so shame based – so truly I would work both – and if you get a trigger which fits into NARP Module category (specifcally about narc) then go back to work that Module, and everything else is about ‘you’ in ES.

      I can feel you are really powering on now – that is wonderful and big breakthroughs are very close…

      Know you can email me direct with any questions you have to help also Patti…

      Mel xo

  • rosalieerickson2@gmail.com'
    Rosalie
    September 26, 2013

    Hi Mel,
    I have finally reached the point that I no longer care about why he treated the way that he did. I used to read every bit of information that I could find about narcism in order to assure myself that he was really a narcissist. Now, it really doesn’t matter. He is who he is, and I was who I was, but now I am somebody totally different. He chose me because he needed narcissistic supply, and I chose him because I needed to change and heal. It was a horrible experience, but it was necessary. My life gets better every day.
    Thanks so much.
    Rosalie

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 27, 2013

      Hi Rosalie,

      how gorgeous that you have reached this level of detachment – that is the goal – to get to that level of Not My Reality…

      You have evolved through the lesson..

      Well done!

      Mel xo

  • murvinshan@gmail.com'
    murray shanaughan
    September 26, 2013

    Hello again Mel, Angel of light as I call you for good reason. I speak from the male perspective, but it seems the same for either gender. A few months ago I was absorbing so much info about narcs from you and other sources. A great liberation happened in just realising that I wasn’t alone. This part seemed to give me some idea I could try again do better with my new knowledge. Rather than face my own life I chose to return to my estranged narc as I have done many times. I was so moved to write here after reading about healing a narc. Somehow in this time I managed to find an affordable councillor( you get what you pay for) meanwhile making her fully aware that I know all her tricks and she is an abuser that should change. I attended for a couple of weeks alone before she could make it there but when she did it was a big disappointment. I had mentioned narcissism to the councillor who refused to raise the subject. All I could see was her empowered by the councillor and her finding ways to humiliate me. By the second session she seemed to have some flirtatious control over him. At the end of it I took a moment to visit the toilet and on returning she had arranged for her own individual councilling to deal with her financial and material issues. This replacing our relationship issues. No interest in helping the relationship at all. I was so frustrated and enraged. Thru those weeks I just became more a critic and less a lover. My confidence failing even in the bedroom where my addiction was gratified. Thoughts of her infidelity destroying my passion. Her saying that she didn’t love me. Eventually saying that, for many months, don’t know how long, she’d been using me just for sex. A couple more breakups, I threw more of me into it desperately. Same same same, only worse. It has been sixteen years of holding that ragged dream. Though I am poor,( failed my business over her) For many months I supported her finances, provided food, Bought her many clothes when she got depressed. She thanked me slightly as if she was entitled to it. Only the inevitable could happen. It has been two months since and till now I have found it difficult to face your teachings that I so wilfully would not see. I feel like the prodigal son returning after spending the inheritance you gave. I still cant understand myself for staying on so long. I see some of the people here seek God for comfort, as I do (thanks to Lyn for the script). That’s why I think of you as an angel helping gods work. After all god is love. I feel ashamed that I turned away from the many warnings I have read and idolised another human above god. It says “the wages of sin is death” and I have died many times over in these years. I just tried to get god to give me what I wanted, not what he wanted for me. I have been lost again for two months now not seeing a future. I tried in this time to get on with it by searching date sites, against your advice. As I met other women I felt why, as a friend said ” you try to replace her but you can never replace her” I empathise with Ruth’s words (above) and sigh too over dreams now lost for ever. I have known deep down for a long time, the fear I must face, just because it is there. I have to face the depression without the chemical and emotional relief that my addiction to her provided. I have to face the reality that i’m an older man now. I will be a better man. Thankyou for being there Mel, you are literally a lifesaver. I learned the hard way, no you cant fix a narc. I found the saying “let go and let god”. I’ll leave it to his hands. Where did you say that love was Mel ? I’m looking for it. Hey, lots of love to you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 27, 2013

      Hi Murray,

      You have written about this so poignantly..

      And this is exactly the truth – it is about letting go, letting God and BEING (finally) with the fearful, insecure parts of ourselves that we have spent a lifetime (and painful relationships) avoiding…

      It is about coming home to walk into that pain, and finally deal with it in order to come out the other side, as whole and healed and be able to THEN create a healthy relationship.

      That is exactly the ‘edge’ that you are on right now…

      And that edge always brings two choice – keep using the strategies of the Old Self and hope for a different result, or FIRMLY decide to go inwards and change…

      Leaving it in God’s hands is only the beginning..

      God aligns with and assists people who decide to meet themselves…

      That’s what you need to do Murray, go inwards, claim these wounds and work through them..

      That’s where true love begins Murray – it has to come ‘through’ you – it can never turn up outside of you.

      Mel xo

  • katey31@yahoo.com'
    KT
    September 27, 2013

    I was married 20 years, 3 kids and divorced 3 years. I remember marriage overall as good except for the constant feeling of ‘when is he going to blow up at me?’ To this day I will need to text something ‘just right’ as to avoid a terrible response….but there is never any guarantee.

    But I have ‘triggers’. STRONG ‘triggers’…it’s usually a song on the radio. How he would sing, “What a Wonderful World” just like Louis Armstrong and swing me around as we put up the Christmas tree and there was music and laughter and life was exciting as he climbed the Corporate ladder and I thought my life was a fairy tale. Yes, occasionally he would DECIDE he was MAD at something I did/didn’t do and I would be reprimanded to the point of tears and would try to fight back but he fought longer and harder…

    But I learned to magically ‘calm him’ with whatever means possible….just like my mom did with my dad. And then he would kiss me and take me on a picnic lunch and call me ‘his bride’ to whoever was around. I just wanted it to always be wonderful…a wonderful world.

    He just got more hateful and controlling and demanding and the abuse worsened….I started to not back down because I WANTED HIM TO CHANGE! Please GOD??? He lead the men’s church group…I’m crying.. all the time. ..”Yes, you did cause my tears. They are not “my own” as you say…” Why does it make him ANGRIER that I am crying? Why could he not read this now…what I’m saying and understand that he hurts me? Because after 3 years divorced he still tells me that HE CHANGED and it was my responsibility to FORGIVE him to keep our family together.

    He has been through numerous girlfriends (one is even suing him). I don’t know if they see something that I didn’t and don’t continue on in relationship or if he just doesn’t call them back?

    I just can’t seem to shake the guilt I feel from leaving (maybe because my mom stayed with my dad). And I have told him over and over (and he doesn’t comprehend it-I guess?) that I didn’t leave because I didn’t love him. I adored him. I just deserved to be treated better.

    He just says,”I truly believe I know how to love someone well now…”. Just ‘someone’…not ‘me’.

    I want the triggers (the music) to stop hurting…to think of our family memories and not start crying. I have no family photos around the house because I can’t handle the pain of the broken life. To wonder every single time how I could have stayed for what I felt like was ‘mostly good’ – because I balanced the emotional outbursts pretty well and wasn’t it my responsibility to absorb his pain?

    I know I need help. But as a Christian, tell me how God creates these people and tells us he ‘hates divorce’ yet provides a husband who over the years DESTROYS you, tells you he understands that I needed to divorce him, sucks you back in, does it again and again….and I still get weak in the knees when he stands in front of me?

    To sum it up, you know a puppy and a faithful dog LOVE their owner. No matter what the owner does, the dog will wag his tail when he comes home and love on him. It is the dog’s nature to love regardless. What if we tried to teach the dog that they should stand up for themselves when treated poorly? Some days it just feels like I will die loving the good side of him and disregarding the evil, hateful, mean, vindictive side.

    And I am SOOOOO jealous of the ones who can go on with their own lives and not take responsibility for the N’s. Was the abuse just that deep or am I just that weak and codependent?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 27, 2013

      Hi KT,

      There are many Christians who have worked with the NARP Program who were in exactly the same ‘boat’ as you..

      With the beliefs that you are not supposed to forgo your marriage..

      My belief is that this was never the word of God…I simply cannot and will not accept that this man made institution was ‘meant’ to contain people within abusive situations where their soul is being shattered, as well as deep pain and damage occurring to extended love ones as a result.

      I believe God / Life / Source is calling all of us (through emotional messages) to live authentically and congruently with our own truth, our own inner voice and what does constitute being healthy and whole.

      How can ANY of us serve others, contribute to the world or be the best examples of love we can be if we DON’T take care of ourselves first…

      I hope for your sake and for the people who do love you, that you can finally decide to listen to the ‘god within’ who is always barracking, calling and loving you towards looking after your true wellbeing – NOT enabling an abuser to continue abusing you because you are ‘tied’ by some construction that EVERY part of your inner knowing is screaming at you ‘This is WRONG’.

      That inner voice is God – I beleive totally…

      Mel xo

    • allmycrap53@yahoo.com'
      Marie
      May 2, 2015

      I know this post is quite old, but if I am reading it now, perhaps others are…

      The narc I encountered has a large hero-worship following in my little subculture. It took some time before the mask slipped. Six months ago I did the hardest thing I could imagine and cut off all contact without giving any opportunity to talk me out of it,

      My take on the divorce thing is that a bona fide narcissist is not really capable of marriage. You thought, in good faith, that you had a marriage, and that is what matters for you and your kids; however, on his end, he lacked what is indispensable to forming such a union. Somebody else (False Self) is controlling his will, so there’s no true freedom to consent. He can’t love…can’t empathize…can’t sacrifice. You were ‘marrying’ a child who believes the world revolves around him, cleverly disguised as a mature adult. Picture that as though a six-year-old were literally standing next to you at the altar and perhaps that will help you visualize it clearly! 😉

      I am Catholic and this is my understanding of why annulments exist in the Church: sometimes people have a wedding not realizing there is a serious impediment that hasn’t been addressed. Sometimes it’s easily corrected (ideally in the course of marriage prep), but sometimes not.

      With a narc, civil divorce is not only necessary to protect your rights and safety (and children’s), but a formality, because one party didn’t have what it takes in the first place. Make sense? Feel less guilty?

      If we can spread education that helps people stay out of these traps in the first place, divorce will become less of an issue.

  • tgr946@gmail.com'
    Teresa
    September 27, 2013

    I just separated from my husband of 35 years. I too look to the Bible and Christ Jesus for answers. I have experienced in my beloved church no understanding of an abuser. This has caused me grief that only those living it can know. Thank you Lyn for 2Tim 3. Never saw my Nhusband in that way till I read through different eyes. I rented an apartment and have a good job so I am working on for 25 days no contact. Everyone keep responses coming as I read. Mel and all others. Love to all the hurting souls out there.

  • tgr945@gmail.com'
    Teresa
    September 27, 2013

    I read everyday this blog. Reread even. Mel you truly understand. Lyn thank you for 2Tim:3. I never saw my Nhusband in this passage till read through your eyes. I left 30 days ago. 35 years of marriage. I tried to leave 4 years ago but let him back in. My story is your story of the ones posting here. My blow up happened over control of money and family and my little contact with either. I have a good job and can support myself even though I was convinced otherwise. My biggest lie has been I allowed him and went along at great peril to my soul. My family has endured much hurt due to me believing his disvalue of them. My head and heart still need to connect this as true. I am practicing no contact and rented an apartment. Mel keep up the blog. It is freeing right thinking. Alot of the church will not speak up or recognise this type of abuse in marriages. This keeps it a secret as the N is so good at. Love to all. Teresa

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 27, 2013

      Hi Teresa,

      yes it is frightening how many institutions do turn a blind eye – and say that you need to ‘stay’..

      Just awful…

      Mel xo

    • season5096@gmail.com'
      Rozanne
      September 28, 2013

      Teresa I too have been a churchgoer since a child, although not any more, since I have decided that being true and authentic to myself is an extremely important way for me to experience love in this world. I see more fear than love being taught and expressed within the church.

      My mind has opened up to so much more than what I have always been TOLD to think, do and believe. My healing journey taught me that nobody, esp not those in the church, whose thoughts, emotions and reactions are controlled by what `is supposed to be done or not done.’ have a right to tell me what I should allow for myself.

      How can anybody or an institution have that kind of control and power over our sense of wellbeing. Only we can know within ourselves if someone or a certain situation is destroying our spirit. When our spirit is destroyed, we cannot even show love to our children because we are so shut down. We serve no purpose to ourselves or the rest of the world when in this state. We would then never have the energy or courage to use our gifts, talents, abilities to enhance this world.

      I know now that it is my birthright to be deserving of good and that self sacrificing was never meant to make me a better Christian or person. I now have the freedom to have a different relationship to a God, Source, Spirit that feels right for me. I feel far more supported by a higher being now more than ever.

      I suppose if the church acknowledges abuse then they have to acknowledge that divorce or breaking your marriage vows is okay and of course that would not be fitting for what they are supposed to allow and then they may just be `punished’.

      So truly at the end of the day, YOUR state of mind and wellbeing is really very important. None of the beautiful values which Jesus taught can ever be lived and shown to others without being true to ourselves first and foremost.

      I wish you peace and many many blessings. Rozanne

  • katey31@yahoo.com'
    KT
    September 27, 2013

    Teresa,

    I too liked 2Timothy:3. Sometimes though, I feel like the selfish one for not learning how to survive in that environment. My guilt now is from, “My husband was no doubt sick…truly sick for I KNOW that he does not ‘think’ correctly. And I left him.”

  • tgr945@gmail.com'
    Teresa
    September 27, 2013

    KT, I too am struggling with the two sides of the man and also the Christ like love needed. I am trying to understand love is calling out wrong behavior. I have lost my soul to this man that is incapable of supporting my ideas and happiness apart from him. I send love and prayers and thoughts to you KT. Teresa

  • katey31@yahoo.com'
    KT
    September 27, 2013

    I know Mel says there is no closure with a N and I am one to agree with a resounding YES! And that is the part I find the most difficult! No matter how many times he would tell me, “I can’t do this anymore” or put another woman before me or rub them in my face or move the divorce forward by continuing to add more and more to the MDA with his lawyer and setting 3 separate court dates (the last time I just didn’t beg him to cancel it-but I’m the one who filed) or tell everyone he wants me back and do numerous things that show his life moving forward without me (2 year lease agreement on a condo and buying a dog-that he knew I didn’t want at that point). Yet somehow, he is able to twist it around over and over…it’s exhausting trying to ‘make him see!’ Then I sound like the controlling one???

    I filed for divorce because he joined an online dating service and went on a date. When I discovered it and called the woman, she called him (he was on a business trip), then he called me and once again was mad at me for ‘doing this while he was out of town and HE CAN’T DO THIS RIGHT NOW! Now I need to come home and…’

    Why would he need to come home then? I have hundreds of these stories that make no sense. He pushed an ex-girlfriend in a pool fully clothed when she found him with another woman. And how many times have I been told that I ‘deflect accountability’ or am ‘incapable of acknowledging the destruction of my behavior’.

    Ok…I’m exhausted just thinking of my interactions with him. Why, why, why do I let it haunt me?

    I just want HIM to acknowledge the destruction of his behavior…that I just wanted to love him and our family and our lives fell apart because he could not control his anger….

    But it always comes back to him telling me:, “I have changed. You don’t know me. Everyone else thinks I’m a great guy! Your unforgiveness broke up our family and everyone has suffered because of you…”

    And it usually starts because of a simple text message regarding the kids.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 27, 2013

      Hi KT,

      the reason why we go over and over, and know we will not get accountability but can’t let the obsessive thoughts go – is because of the peptide addiction..

      This is exactly why the inner work does break that cycle…and what makes the difference..

      Once you get the shift emotionally inside you – the brain follows that shift and does not get hooked into re-thinking, re-thinking, re-thinking..

      Until then your mind is on auto pilot following the trauma that is still locked in your body..

      THAT is why it is still haunting you..

      To break that cycle, do NARP…that is the solution to breaking the cycle of obsessive and painful thoughts and feelings.

      Until you do inner body work it is really hard to understand the difference, but once you commit to it, very quickly you understand exactly why it works.

      Mel xo

  • Reblynnreynolds@yahoo.com'
    Rebecca
    September 27, 2013

    Hi Mel, everything I’ve read about narcissists imply that they cheat on you in the relationship. In my case, I was always the one who initiatied any physical intimacy. At one time I believed he might not prefer women, but came to realize he just didn’t want any intimacy. I’m just struggling to accept he may be a narcissist, but since he didn’t cheat on me or physically hurt me, it’s been difficult. Also, as a Christian, why do I feel so sorry for him and feel almost OBLIGATED to help him? Thank you for any insight you can give me.

    • jana28y@yahoo.com'
      Jen
      September 27, 2013

      Hi Rebecca,

      The person I was with also didn’t cheat nor physically hurt me but the psychological and verbal abuse is much worse, in my opinion. In my head, I always told myself if he does this or that, I’ll leave him. And then he would do it and I would stay. From there, I would set a higher mark of what it would take for me to leave him and this would continue until he basically pushed and pushed some more.

      I understand how you feel about walking away from someone you feel might not be so bad due to the fact that it almost feels like they haven’t done something majorly wrong.

      Thing is, if you do feel he is verbally or psychologically abusive, he already is violating your boundaries and crossing that line. Love isn’t about finding someone who makes us happy or making ourselves slaves of constant sacrifice, it’s about finding that someone who adds to your happiness.

      You might feel an obligation to help him because you are a giving person who dislikes to see someone you love, suffer.

      I also felt sorry for my ex because in a way I saw him as a hopeless individual who was going through his own struggles. I told myself everyday for a whole yr. that I would leave him yet it was so difficult for me. The one thing that truly helped to finally walk away was to observe, observe and observe his behavior some more. Instead of defending myself all the time and trying to convince him to see it another way, I decided to just observe his behavior, his reactions, etc. This helped me to detach from the situation and somewhat allowed me to see it objectively. It also gave me a lot of information about him as well as myself. When it comes to nars “getting it,” we must be the ones to get that they never will. It’s not our job to fix them.

      I wish you all the best and I hope you find the answers you are looking for. This community is great and very supportive.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 27, 2013

      Hi Rebecca,

      have you read the article “Are You With A Narcissist?’..

      The earlier blog of mine?

      Especially the ‘arguing’ section – is totally relevant..

      Even if he is not NPD…is the relationship healthy? Is he taking responsibility for bad behaviour? What do you believe you deserve in ‘love’?

      When there are still unhealed parts of us hooked into the abuse (peptide addiction) our mind can come up with all sorts of excuses to stay attached…

      Such as feeling for them, believing they are not narcs etc…

      Mel xo

  • raksd28@gmail.com'
    raquel
    September 27, 2013

    I left mine two years ago and I am still trying to heal from the mess I was, still not where I want to be but getting there, reading these artivles help wish I was MElanies neighbor so I can see her directly for therapy as I cannot afford it!. This article was spot on thank you again for a wonderful article. I wish everyone healing for their soul and to find themselves inner peace and strength. Raquel x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 27, 2013

      Hi Racquel…

      If you can afford $20.00 per month for 6 months – you can have the very best of my therapy – a resource for life – which is NARP…

      Less than buying two cups of coffee a week..

      That’s how affordable it is…

      Great point re ‘abuse’ and very true!

      Mel xo

  • anneroberts1023@yahoo.com'
    Antonia G
    September 27, 2013

    Hello, I recently filed for divorce. I was astounded at the comment in Melanie’s ebook as to if I was as horrible as he accuses me to be, then why doesn’t he leave? In fact, he still lives in the house and won’t leave. He acts as if theres no divorce pending. He’s been served, but back in April, he noticed people in my Church was asking questions about my extreme weight loss and he commanded me, telling me “he is my boss and my master and I had better never go back to the Church with the kids”. That crossed the line for me. I finally filed for divorce. He made life a living hell for me over the summer,by using my young children against me. Now they are in school, so its’ calmed a bit. But he still lives here. He has self-mutilated too back in May when he kept me from leaving the house bc I feared him. When I did get out, he put bruises on himself and called the police on me. The police saw through him as I am 100 lbs, he is 180. I got a temporary restraing order, but not permanent…the judge concluded his word agains mine. So he was allowed back in the house and has been here since. I’m getting better each day, and cannot thank Melanie enough. I hit rock bottom about a month ago, cried til every bone, muscle hurt and didn’t care if I woke up the next day. But I did, and realized I wont allow him to destroy me. Found this site and have been working on healing since. Its’ been VERY difficult, but its been 9 days now that I actually feel really good and stronger. I noticed one of my jeans I put on today that I usually needed a belt, well…I didn’t need a belt! Huge accomplishment after being down to 96 lbs bc of him.
    Melanie, thank you for all your doing! I really can’t thank you enough for helping me to see there are still truly good people in the world. I had forgotten that for so long. And I see it more and more each day. The sun is shining a little brighter each day for me. Thank you,
    Antonia G

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 27, 2013

      Hi Antonia,

      That is so good that you are seeing it clearly, detaching and looking after you…

      Yes that N stuff is Not Reality – there is a much better, sane, healthy and loving world to co-create with.

      Mel xo

  • katied@netspace.net.au'
    Kate D
    September 27, 2013

    Hello everyone,
    I feel that I need to respond to this article as I strongly believe that a malignant narcissist will never change. I am an older woman who was married to an N but have not been with him for around 2o years. I believed that he was my soulmate and I also believe that the influence of a spiritual connection cannot be underestimated as it is extremely powerful. In my case I accompanied him to spiritual churches where he gave “lectures”. He continued this practice whilst perpetrating abuse.
    I had to maintain contact with the ex N for an extended period of time due to my children being fairly young at the time my marriage ended. These were nightmarish times with constant undermining by the N (he even did the proxy abuse by “befriending our neighbour” which made the neighbour harass us) and frequent court appearances (he had fair access) to keep me “under control”. I eventually stopped this by representing myself in court (not with regard to property or access) which was empowering for me. However, after the early days following the break-up he managed to keep me “in there”(hooked) to some extent by leaving the door slightly ajar even though he was living with another woman. I guess I just could not reconcile that my “soulmate’ would ultimately be so cruel and dismissive of me. I hasten to add that, although I knew that he had psychological problems I didn’t, at the time, understand the devalue and discard concept.
    I did manage to get on with life, carved out a new career and was fully functioning, however I now acknowledge that I was not healed emotionally. About 3 years ago my job became redundant, added to which I was burned out from working with highly traumatized clients. Soon after I was told by my son that the N had bee diagnosed with cancer and was receiving treatment in a nearby hospital. I felt that I should do the compassionate thing and visit him in hospital. HUGE MISTAKE.. The N gave one if the great performances of his life when he proceeded to tell me that he was “sorry he was a bad husband”. He then received top grade supply from me and his current partner who was also there as we took steps to give him comfort. When I came home that night the realization hit me like a sledgehammer that I had been conned once again and although I was distressed I became very angry. So much so that I returned the following day and told him that he needed to develop some empathy. What a joke (if it wasn’t so sad). I realized that his perfomance had been played out for the benefit of the woman who he had stated he was soon to marry!!(She is severly brainwashed).
    I just want to say to anyone who may find themselves in a similar position; just send good thoughts but PLEASE do not believe that the N has changed because they are ill or whatever. What is being experienced by the N is a big narcissistic injury but it does NOT mean that they are no longer an NP. They are consummate actors and will use any unconscionable behaviour they need to to achieve the desired effect. I would call it a plundering of the soul. Following the incident I descended into a black hole and came close to a total breakdown. It is difficult to not become isolated as few people can really understand the level of devastation and hopelessness that is experienced by the affected person. I have had a struggle to get back on track and I am still not totally there, although I fully understand why this person came into my life and the lessons that I have had to learn, particularly in an emotional sense. Incidentally the N is still going strong and taking overseas trips while his now wife stays home and works!!
    I know that many of you will understand the difficulties involved in co-parenting with such a disordered individual and I really empathize with you. Sadly, one of my sons has been so adversely affected by the N’s psychological and emotional abuse that he has even estranged himself from me (I had to set firm boundaries as he became abusive)and has developed some narcissistic traits and may be an alcoholic. This is even more tragic as he also has a son whom he has not seen for 6 years. I keep sending my son positive thoughts and prayers and hope that he turns things around.
    I am sorry that this has become longer than I planned but I guess I would say that even if you think that you are healed and that having contact with the N will not adversely affect you, please protect yourself.
    To all you brave souls who have survived this abuse and begun to thrive again, more power to you and I wish you all the love and peace in the world. xo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 27, 2013

      Hi Kate,

      this is wonderful message that you have shared, and so very vital and true.

      I have worked with many people (generally women) who have reconnected to ‘nurture’ a narc who has suffered health complaints, disasters, financial ruin etc…and felt sorry for this person..

      Absolutely it has turned out to be the same over and over again – being re-hooked as narc supply..

      Narcs are never life-affirming – they are life-sucking…

      That is why NO CONTACT for eternity!!

      The Narc is Not Your Reality!!…

      Thank you for this post Kate.

      Mel xo

  • Reblynnreynolds@yahoo.com'
    Rebecca
    September 27, 2013

    Jen, thank you!!!

    • jana28y@yahoo.com'
      Jen
      September 28, 2013

      Rebecca, anytime. I wish you the best and let us know how it goes.

  • Rbakle1960@roadrunner.com'
    Rhonda
    September 29, 2013

    “inevitably the malicious behaviour returns – generally in a much more intensified form.”

    I was so glad to read that–I have been wondering if the Narc becomes “STRONGER” I was with my husband from 16 to 52 and the last couple of years before i divorce him he was out of control–like he stopped “hiding” the hate-rage etc. It extended beyond me to others and during our divorce the families-friends etc. were shocked at the amount of pure hate directed at me and the cruel cruel things he did to me.His business has suffered to the point of near closure.
    the divorce was due to ANOTHER of his affairs…
    It’s like the mask came off and the whole world couldn’t believe what they saw!
    I hear it everyday…WHAT happened to him?

    Did it intensity so very much because he felt me getting stronger and finding myself?
    I truly began to think he had a mental breakdown.
    It was not until later I discovered what Narcs are and so many of my questions were and so many of my questions were answered!

  • Hnybr_00@yahoo.com'
    Brandi
    November 13, 2013

    I’m currently facing this situation. My ex husband (divorced in March) is pulling put all the stops right now. Letters, emails, phone calls, texts, and even contacting my family.

    The only thing that is throwing me for a loop is that last week he found out that I had an emotional affair with a male friend for about six months while we married. Wrong is wrong and I’m willing to accept that but I had been deprived of validation, emotional security and had a terribly unfaithful husband who blamed his indiscretions on me so, yes, I did go outside of my marriage to fill that void.

    It’s been a year since I moved out of our home as he proceeded to find a new girlfriend within weeks of me leaving, parading her all over town, sending evil emails to me attacking the core of my person, etc.

    Unfortunately, for the last 6 months he and I have been engaged of some form of dating. Since he’s found out about my emotional affair, he’s revved up the engines like I’ve never seen before. Talked to a pastor at church, called a close family member of mine, set up an appointment for counseling, relentless calling and texting.

    I’m so confused by his response to finding out about my affair. Why has he done a complete 180? I would have better understood this of he had responded in a violent manner but he wants to get remarried! I’m so confused. Should I just walk away, as difficult as it might be? Why do I feel bad for hurting his feelings or kicking him to the curb despite everything he’s done to me?!

    • smadera76@gmail.com'
      Sandra
      December 3, 2014

      Brandi,

      I don’t have personal experience with this, but Sam Vaknin writes the following:

      “Many narcissists strike an unhealthy balance. Being emotionally (and physically or sexually) absent, they drive the partner to find emotional and physical gratification outside the bond. This achieved, they feel vindicated – they are proven right in being jealous.

      The narcissist is then able to accept the partner back and to forgive her. After all – he argues – her two-timing was precipitated by the narcissist’s own absence and was always under his control. The narcissist experiences a kind of sadistic satisfaction that he possesses such power over his partner.

      In provoking the partner to adopt a socially aberrant behaviour he sees proof of his mastery. He reads into the subsequent scene of forgiveness and reconciliation the same meaning. It proves both his magnanimity and how addicted to him his partner has become.”

      http://samvak.tripod.com/narcissistoppositesex.html

      A year later, but hope that it helps you understand it, regardless of where you are now.

      • thystaborsod@gmail.com'
        SamGabor
        May 18, 2015

        I’d be careful with Sam Vaknin: ” I say things not because I believe in them, nor because I know them to be true (in truth, I know very little and ignorant of much). I say things because I am desperately trying to impress, provoke responses, bask in the glow of affirmation, extract applause.”

  • 3maeve@gmail.com'
    Nive
    November 22, 2013

    When I was still living under the same roof with my narcissistic ex (that was after the devalue phase and I already knew I would be divorcing him and leaving) and I realized he surely must have a personality disorder as he matched the NPD description perfectly I actually… told him about it. I asked him to maybe go and talk to a professional to get some understanding of his actions and how they affected me. Well, he started telling me straight away that I’m the one who’s paranoid/autistic/mentally unstable but yet he still loves that poor flawed me. Many times when he saw he couldn’t really influence me with his behaviour anymore he just started to look so desperate, confused and anxious… many times I repeated that maybe he should talk to someone else, but then this desperate self disappeared and cruel jokes, belittling me, verbal abuse etc. resurfaced again. There was absolutely no will inside him to try and face his self/no-self or even to understand what was going on inside him. It really looked like a matter of survival to him, like he was totally terrified of looking inside himself! Later on when he apparently acknowledged he may have a personality disorder he accused me of leaving him “because he was disabled” and how on Earth was I capable of such cruelty! They just don’t want to heal, it would be like a total system breakdown… and what would they do afterwards if being narcissistic was their sole life strategy for such a long time? There’s no way to just upload a new healthy self to the brain in 10 minutes.

  • jasminejay@outlook.com'
    maliyah jasmine
    March 29, 2014

    Im not a narcissist. But I can agree,yes,of course it might annihilate a person to go within and heal. Whats so crazy about that? I dont feel that about me for my inner healing of wounds. But what about stuff that we put up with(abuse on a maximum scale) and being ‘set up’ and baited and tricked by our abusers(namely parents and ex partners) people we grew to love. And trust. And our parents we alwaya loved them but knew they had issues, were different and we were scared of them. But when I think of how I was decieved brainwashed and didn’t even realise that the plan was for my mother to steal my eldest son from me and I have nothing to get my son back because he has been brainwashed turned against me and told me he doesn’t want to see me again. I TOO would feel annihilated or that I would die to go inside confront my emotional self. Or go all the way down to see my child and he turn me away. I would feel dead. Its not just the narcissist who fears pain. We all do. How can we feel strong brave happy when we are being attacked shunned despised for doing nothing. What have we done, anything?? Seems like its open season for abusers of all stripes! Are you saying I need to fully heal ME untill I can go see my son to see if I can reconcile. How am I to live in the meantime? Impossible.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 29, 2014

      Hi Maliyah,

      no it isn’t just the narc who feels pain – and I can totally attest to the ‘dark night of the soul’ to meet the pain and go through it..

      The choice taken so that the inner trapped pain (unconscious shadows) would stop turning up in my life to hit me heard to get my attention…

      I am thrilled beyond belief that I met the pain to get to here..and the emotional relief was worth every bit of it..

      Going to the pain doesn’t kill us – avoiding it does..

      Its a choice – stay in long term agony, or go inwards to claim it, feel it and release it and shift it out piece by piece…

      We can’t feel brave and happy when we are wounded and our shadows locked inside keep attracting and generating more of the pain and fear – we are not free.

      Why should we take responsibility for it – because it’s in our body and running our life, and to leave it there means our life continues to be miserable.

      Mel xo

  • jonathan1980@gmail.com'
    Jonathan
    July 29, 2014

    Hi Melanie. Loved the article and the accompanying podcast. I read with interest the theoretical cure for narcissism. You mention: “a committed effort to meet and release the original emotional traumas”
    Can you elaborate on what these traumas might be? And what would meeting them involve?
    Does one have to have suffered emotional traumas to be NPD? And do these traumas have to have occurred during childhood? I’m pretty certain my SO has NPD (ticks all the boxes and your radio shows are like describing my life) but I am not aware of any childhood/major traumas.
    What would constitute a trauma? And if there are no identifiable traumas does that mean that he can’t be NPD? If he could still be NPD but there are no traumas, how would someone be cured theoretically in this instance? Thanks x

  • cesarlevy@inbox.com'
    bigger penis size
    October 1, 2014

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  • jiggyjazz7980@gmail.com'
    James
    December 8, 2014

    That solitary confinement is an interesting concept. The narcissist would have to go to a serious boot camp emotional healing facility for something like this to work, with new supply of people they never met before and with a professional therapist, psychologist as well. Call me crazy but maybe a constant videotaping of their interacting with people of their malicious behavior and finally sitting them down and somehow talk about their child emotional neglect and how it reflects of their behavior in the now explaining sound bites of psychology of human behavior amongst each other. It would take a special narcissist to wake up of their mess to realize this.

  • ltdmtl@msn.com'
    Mark
    December 9, 2014

    Hello Mel,

    I’ve been studying your program for about 2 weeks now. I finally have enough money to purchase your program so I’m joining as of today. Thank you for the installment option. I have separated from my hideous N a little over a month ago and finally see a light at the end of the tunnel thanks to your program. It is the only relief I have gotten and looking forward to more Freedom. However, I am finding myself stuck. I don’t want to be with this person again so at least I’ve gotten this far. I’m stuck wanting this person to get the help they need since we have a daughter together. I find myself stuck at wanting her to know the pain she has caused to me and our daughter. My logical mind tells me this isn’t possible, but my heart can’t understand at all how someone can be so soulless. Can you please advise so I can move on.

    Thank You,
    Mark

  • ilovethesecretgarden@gmail.com'
    Keke
    April 15, 2015

    Wow. This is incredible. You put voice to what I’ve been feeling for years as a survivor of Narcissistic abuse. Made me feel as if it wasn’t my fault for a minute and that I am my own separate person. I forgot my question lol. Thank you- I will share this.

  • thystaborsod@gmail.com'
    SamGabor
    May 18, 2015

    I think I have NPD. It’s a terrible feeling to read it. I want to be like others. I just don’t know how. It’s unbearable to see people feel, love and relate to each other and knowing I can never be a part of this. Life is unbearably terrible, empty, scary and meaningless without relating to each other. I realized myself when my ex left me. She is a marvelous girl. We broke up, and I was convinced that it was just lack of communication. Till I realized it was a complete lack of ability on my part to see the situation from her perspective. The biggest pain is not that the love of my life left me. But the fact that she was right. I don’t want this feeling on my worst enemy. I feel utterly shameful, lost and hopeless.

    Not caring about others seperates you. And being seperated is the worst thing you can do with your life. I hate the person I became. And yes I am envious. Not that I don’t want others to be happy, I never ever wanted to hurt anyone. But I did. Lately I thought people hate me. Truth is much worse: they don’t care. And for a reason.

    Stopped whining.

    • thystaborsod@gmail.com'
      SamGabor
      May 18, 2015

      I know better. I am right. They just don’t get it. One they they’ll appreciate me. BS. I wish I could turn back time.

      • lifeshighs@hotmail.com'
        lifeshighs
        June 25, 2016

        SamGabor, please contact me?

  • cookiegirl1955@gmail.com'
    Christine
    June 22, 2015

    My ex narc (28 years married) is still influencing my life five years after we separated. We have a daughter ( son passed away) and still manage a family business. Whenever I refuse to ‘supply’ him he punishes me in a variety of ways. If ignore him, he punishes my daughter.
    She stopped communicating with him a few years ago so he continually berated me for the actions. She is 25 so knows her own mind.
    I seem to be just as trapped as before. Can’t shut down the business as I am 62 years old and cannot find other work.
    There is no way out of it. NPD will never be cured and do not think of anyone as human
    Sad but so true

  • foxandcrowe@gmail.com'
    lew
    August 17, 2015

    This all makes sense to me. I been mentally tortured off and on for years by my brother. I f I go for closure I join the rest of my family that he has abandoned. I am the last dominoe to fall. But this last episode just went to far. I have to let go. I am surrounded by kind caring friends, He is the exceception, and like yourself and others, reasoning just makes him more abusive and verbally cruel.
    I can;t do it anymore, and it gets more strange. Blaming everyone else for his self induced misery is just something I can’t take. And your rite. When I hit a trigger standing up for myself all hell breaks loose and it hurts. I question my own sanity. N-people can be very skilled at this form of always winning and I am the one screwed up. The twists as you say. But I am done and challenged how to get closure. A sad day to realise I have to say goodbye. I would only show up for him if he ever becomes terminally ill. That’s it. Not willing to deal with anymore abuse. One write up I saw said they feel like a slave to this behavior always hoping it will change. I strongly identified with that.

  • hasnain_nazeer@yahoo.com'
    Hasnain Nazeer
    September 12, 2015

    Hey :’)

    I am a narcissist and I confused it with codependency for about 10 months, in the way I lost a lot of time.

    Okay, so. It was my narcissist friend, who I loved so much. At the night where I faced my life trauma about 3 years ago, I wanted to kill myself. (I was codependent and still am). Same friend hurt me 10 months ago. I went through trauma through the hands of my aunts, uncle, parents and siblings. I numbed my emotions, killed my empathy (I used to have great empathy, really.)

    I understand now I am narcissist. I really hurt the love of my life, let’s call her PJ. She is a great girl, and I love her smile and stuff. But I am narcissist, controlling and abusive too. I came to check narcissism, I thought she was narcissist, she is normal. I am the narcissist.

    Narcissism can be healed. When I think of the past times where I felt open and vulnerable, I was so scared and anxious that I HAD to close myself again, that heartache and cold sensation and depression.

    Those who want recovery, I recommend them the book, Healing The Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw. The essential key is to give up the ego, to accept we are arrogant and selfish. At the moment we are, and this acceptance leads us to bit like other humans and thus compels us to seek help. Thank you!

    • lifeshighs@hotmail.com'
      Diane
      June 25, 2016

      What a special and insightful sharing Hasnain. Thank you. I very much hope your road to health is only continuing. 🙂

  • thystaborsod@gmail.com'
    SamGabor
    September 22, 2015

    In my case, the reason I can’t heal from NPD is because since I lied terrible amounts in the last 8 years (I developed NPD at age 20), there is no “real self” I could start to be which hasn’t been destroyed by what I have done these years.

    Ns lose touch with reality, and once you do that, every week that passes is a serious loss since you simply miss reality how it actually happens and live the one that is in your head which is ONLY in your head.

    8 years of NPD is already too much. 1 year would have been too much I guess. When my first false self collapsed, I was 3 years into narcissism and reality was already so painful that I developed depersonalization and derealization. Wish I could go back there and realize I have NPD because my life could have been saved that way.

    • lifeshighs@hotmail.com'
      lifeshighs
      June 25, 2016

      Please do not give up SamGabor. Talk with me if you’d like. Maybe we can help one another. I have been living extremely dedicated to trying to support multiple self aware narcissists become healthy. So not a know it all, but a lot of life experience.

  • zygodaktyl@aol.com'
    wy~
    October 18, 2015

    I feel as though this is how I may be. I want to love, and have felt vulnerable at times but shut down and leave relationships. Maybe I am not a commitment phobic so much as narcissistic. If there is no help for this really, why am I here now. Life lived like this for the duration may not be worth living. I just want to love and don’t know how.

    • lifeshighs@hotmail.com'
      Diane
      June 25, 2016

      Oh my gosh “wy~”… did no one reply to you?

  • healingfromnpd@gmail.com'
    Healing from NPD
    December 2, 2016

    I am the child of a narcissistic mother, who scapegoated and emotionally abused throughout my childhood. My whole life I was focused on my own pain and my mother’s narcissism, never realizing I had the same problem. I was diagnosed with NPD not too long ago.

    This is what’s so frustrating about this disorder–the person that has it is unaware they have it. They are the victim. When people say things like “if you’re asking yourself if you’re a narcissist, you probably aren’t one” is so incredibly damaging, because it keeps people who have the desire and ability to become self-aware in denial.

    If you’re the child of a narcissist who has some “learned behaviors” or “fleas”, you may be in denial yourself. The disorder *is* learned behavior. The vast majority — two thirds– of children of narcissists go on to have NPD themselves. I’ve been working on a site to help ACoNs become more self aware. I hope this helps someone out there, because those with NPD can absolutely change. But not until we face reality. My only regret is that I didn’t know sooner.

    Please check it out http://www.healingfromnpd.com.

  • briangailsterley@telkomsa.net'
    Brian Sterley
    March 23, 2017

    one of my church members is a narcissist, he wants to preach, and everybody is useless, only he is right. what can I do. I cannot ask him to leave, I am in the business of saving people not chasing them away?

  • we2katz@yahoo.com'
    Sandi
    April 12, 2017

    I don’t know if you read these comments anymore but I have to tell you…I was absolutely stunned by reading about the False Self and esp where they have said it’s almost an ‘out of body experience’ when False Self takes over and does something untoward. They are helpless, can only stand and watch. I am disabled and my H does what I call Tiny Tortures to me (For instance, my skin is sensitive & I cannot stand to be rubbed in circles at a certain pace…sets off my nervous system and highly unpleasant w/lasting effects for hours after. I have asked him a million times to not rub me yet he continues to due so to the point, I have literally asked him, “Do you hate me?”) So…when I call him out on one of these, he has often had a fleeting expression of confusion flit across his face like he is trying hard to see what I am talking about or he ‘almost but not quite’ remembers and then ‘IT’ comes out to hide it all. I have wondered what that look meant. Now I know.

    Vulnerable vs Grandiose – when I first began reading about N’s, I couldn’t see it in my H. But God kept having me push forward investigating and I finally determined my H was a Vulnerable Narc. BUT then I had a whopper hit me yesterday…he IS Grandiose but he is Vulnerable with ME cuz that is how he controls me. So these guys can be whatever they need to be when they need to be it. And, of course, I realize we all have to be that way to a degree and it is a necessary skill in many jobs. However, not when it becomes pathological.

    I cannot thank you enough for your articles. I’m glad you are doing well and came out the other side 🙂

    (I’m in the ‘Discovery, shocked and figuring it all out and what do I do now’ stage)

    • we2katz@yahoo.com'
      Sandi
      April 12, 2017

      I forgot to add about the Grandiose thing that he used to run construction jobs. Invariably, no matter which job or where, I walked on that site and there were guys asking me, “How do you stand being married to this guy?” They weren’t kidding. I understand now. He is actually quite Grandiose.

  • stephenmattani@yahoo.com.au'
    Steve
    July 20, 2017

    That was a remarkable article and I think reads to a cause/effect scenario that goes far beyond most general reading. It’s almost academic in its process but very accessible to everybody.
    I can’t agree more that until the wounding experienced in childhood is addressed, behavioural modulating therapy ((psychologists, anger modulating courses, mindfullness etc) that may even be self initiated by the well intentioned , hopeful & desperate NPD sufferer in the hope of change is usually and ultimately doomed to failure. It is as you say only a matter of time before a reversion to type occurs.
    I think it is incumbent on therapists to know this and pursue this & if resistance or outright objection to explore & address the damage by the NPD sufferer surfaces then it does not matter what you do- the person will revert to their triggers.
    The process i think requires the person to capitulate completely to the idea that they are responsible for what they do, think & say. Henceforth, they voluntarily need to place themselves in therapy hopefully recognizing that it is for their benefit and then by extension for the benefit of those still in their lives they have not yet alienated. The crucial aspect is the exploration and healing of past wounds. Once once that has been accomplished can a new beginning ever be contemplated and that is a long and difficult process for the sufferer and those affected by them.
    It is possible but it requires a very self aware individual, a well versed therapist & family support.

    Thank you again for a most enlightening read.

  • daniel.rollings@gmail.com'
    Daniel
    August 4, 2017

    Dear Melanie, thank you for this article. The information you’re putting out has been among the resources that are helping me gain significant closure to decades of dealing with an NPD mother.

    I feel mostly affirmative to what you’ve written, with one caveat: solitary confinement treads a fine line towards being torture. Some psychologists flat-out consider it torture. However, you’re clearly aiming at cutting off their manipulating others for narcissistic supply, and that’s almost certain to be the first step.

    Here’s the distinction I’m sensing. From my experience cross-referenced with the research and exposition of others, I think that narcissism is at its core either a cognitive impairment or an emotional barrier to seeing and respecting the personhood of others. They can talk about the importance of boundaries all day, defend their own boundaries with moral outrage and vindictiveness – and then egregiously violate others’. They can shamelessly embrace double standards, doing exactly to others what they won’t stand for being done to them. I think the core reason is that they don’t see people in their world, only props. They’re the only real person in their world. That’s the very tendency I feel a caution around reinforcing.

    If this is indeed a correct understanding of what narcissism is – a cognitive gap that gives rise to the need for a grandiose self whether it be a reigning queen or a bitter martyr and all the other symptoms we’re describing, a treatment would need to address that.

    My mother literally abused and gaslighted me nearly to death, being serially codependent on violent men herself, and sabotaging my independence from her. She followed the angry martyr/engulfment pattern to shocking extent, expertly deceiving and manipulating others into assisting her and severing avenues of escape for her victims. But go back, and I know she was exposed to horrible neurotoxins when she was tiny. Her baby pictures are *blank*, the lights were out. She never said a word until she was two and a half years old. She lost her mother to a car accident when she was thirteen. What happened to her was a tragedy and I see that as the root of a deeply toxic pattern that I became a focal point from. Even with compassion, I am adamantly zero-contact with her. It’s the only way I’ve made genuine healing progress for myself, and you aptly describe how unwise it is to risk co-dependency with a pathologically ill person.

    I really hope neuroscience catches up to what’s happening here to heal the toxic people and maybe prevent people’s slide into this condition, but more than that, I’m grateful to be gaining awareness of how to escape patterns we never chose – especially of us born into such homes.

    Thank you so much!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 4, 2017

      Hi Daniel,

      you are so welcome and I am pleased this has helped.

      I agree with all of your beliefs regarding narcissism absolutely, and it is wonderful that you have distanced and are healing … you are so right – there would be no other way.

      I believe what is needed more than anything is a shift in consciousness .. a world that acknowledges an inside out orientation, inside of an outside in model.

      Including the teaching of radical 100% personal responsibility and how to heal our subconscious trauma and bring up children in ways that allow theirs to develop as whole also.

      Because once the trauma imprinting is done the cost and damage is horrific.

      Mel xo

  • grantaudra@hotmail.com'
    A.J.
    September 3, 2017

    Dear Melanie, thank you so much for this article. The discussion really struck a chord with me.

    I’m recovering from a near 8-year relationship with my ex-narc (4.5 years as partners; 3 as friends due to his children with whom I bonded, though I had to end the friendship recently due to his behavior). My ex-narc has been in therapy for the last 15 years, but for depression and anger management, rather than NPD/narcissism. I have always been confused by my-ex narc’s relationship with therapy and in particular his therapist. My experience with him — and her — left me feeling like a failure.

    When we met, he was already in therapy for 5 years, following his awful divorce. I began to see signs of abuse 6 months in and tried to set boundaries. In response, he threatened to end the relationship if I didn’t go to couples counseling with his therapist. I went. Of course, the relationship deteriorated anyway and he brutally dumped me eventually. I educated myself about narcissism afterward, however, and I believe his therapist seems to have done so much wrong, though admittedly I’m no expert. Aside from also seeing as a couple which seems a conflict of interest, she told me NEVER to abandon him, and ALWAYS listen to him no matter what he says, because he needs to feel validated, since his mother emotionally abandoned him. In our couples’ sessions, she would give us tools, but as soon as we literally left the office, he would return to his sadistic behavior. Since the therapy wasn’t working, I begged him to try a neutral person, and surprisingly he did, albeit reluctantly. Well, he resisted every single strategy and tool the new person suggested for us, and even became belligerent and very hostile towards me in our sessions. Each one became worse until one day, he just walked out and never returned. The therapist told me she believed my ex had NPD and that she was concerned for me. After our breakup, I sought my own personal therapy, and was tremendously helpful. My experience with his therapist, however, left me thinking the relationship end was my fault for a long time. That I just didn’t understand my ex. Even though I’ve been no contact with my ex-narc for almost a year and doing better in my recovery, I still often ask myself what they heck was all of that? Isn’t therapy supposed to help, especially after so long?

    In hindsight, my ex-narc gets a high from therapy and always did. He is so attached to his therapist that he sees her as a mother figure. I used to ask him what approach they use in his personal therapy sessions, and he said all he does is talk — and I believe him. She is his personal sounding board for an hour each week. He says there are no goals to his therapy. To this day, he can’t solve problems and make decisions without her. She seems to condone choices and behavior I find odd. If someone behaves in a way he finds distasteful, he says they must have mental illness; she’s thinks such judgments are ok. When his son was 10, he would want to wander the streets late at night; she thought it was fine (I sure didn’t). He takes all of his girlfriends to meet her when they have issues, though none of the relationships last beyond 6 months or so. He still sees her regularly. And yet, he still has most of the NPD characteristics, his near-grown kids can’t stand him and recently left to live with the mother, he has lost a lot of his friends, and as a result of his dating behavior, he recently contracted an STD he will have to live with forever at 53 years of age.

    When I learned about the kind of person I was really dealing with, I wonder if his therapist knows what SHE’S dealing with. After 15 years shouldn’t she recognize NPD? I now recall, she never asked me about ME in our sessions. Nor did she talk about boundaries. I have had the benefit of good therapy thankfully, and realize my own issues that contributed to my staying in a relationship with someone with NPD. I think had his therapist been more knowledgeable and objective, I might have been spared a hideously abusive relationship that almost destroyed me and perhaps he would have received the treatment he really needs from a qualified therapist. He still sees her regularly.

    Thanks so much, again! A.J.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 4, 2017

      Hi A J,

      My pleasure and I am so pleased this resonated with you.

      My heart goes out to you, you have been through a very painful time.

      It is incredibly common in couple’s therapy for both outcomes you described – either feeling rallied against, or if the N is confronted he or she will end therapy and discredit the therapist.

      May Ns will be in therapy if it grants N supply, and of course, there are therapists who will entertain ongoing clientele in this way. Of course in that model, there is no real progress being made.

      The bottom line that we all need to realise for our own development is that no one is responsible for our healthy life, treatment, and boundaries. The N’s in our life wasn’t and neither are their therapists – (if they go to therapy)- rather we are. And that is the Thriver journey, us healing and knowing that what the Ns bought to the table with us was our wounds and their evidence so that we can heal them.

      And in no way does this make it “our fault”, this is all about our evolution that we will no longer be in painful relationships with ourselves and painful people.

      What their wounds are – is their business, and as we know they may never deeply confront and work through their inner traumas, but we will and can.

      A J truly letting go, and releasing the trauma is your freedom, and I wish you all the best and most in your healing and being free of all regret or “what ifs”.

      You deserve your True Life – as we all did.

      Mel xo

  • rachaelbehnke@gmail.com'
    Rachael Behnke
    January 4, 2018

    I just found out that I am a narcissist, a convert narcissist. I believe that Jesús Christ can help me heal the inner wounds. I want to be helped. Freedom Encounters Is whether I am turning.

  • animal.jakarta@gmail.com'
    Lost Girl
    May 3, 2018

    Hi Melanie,
    He contemplated and has been withdrawn, put himself in solitary for few months now, even quit his job. He took the initiative and told me he wanted to heal. And now I broke down. I am not fine too. How long usually this healing process take time?
    Thank you for the article about healing cell & the solution. It gives me answer about him.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 4, 2018

      Hi Lost Girl,

      Are you working with NARP to heal. If so I’d love you to be getting support in the NARP Forum for what you are going through.

      https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      Without knowing your situation or what you are doing to heal it is hard for me to be able to support you here.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • animal.jakarta@gmail.com'
        Lost Girl
        May 7, 2018

        Hi Melanie,

        Thank you for replying.
        What I mean was how long does it take for a narcissist to live in solitary in order to heal. I believe he also needs meaningful human interaction in the process?

  • thystaborsod@gmail.com'
    SamGabor
    August 23, 2018

    “Many narcissists (Sam Vaknin agrees) report that whilst doing these acts – it is like an out of body experience – it is like the False Self has completely taken over – and the narcissist is watching from the side lines unable to stop it happening.”

    True. I’m a narcissist and these rages are just unavoidable. I know for a fact that life (not people) has been so cruel and unjust to me that is – as you Melanie wrote – just simply beyond words. That is why when I start trying to talk about it (I did several times to my mother), at a point, after crying and SOME emotions, the emotions just stop coming. Words are coming, but emotions just stop.

    Simply when I look into myself, I feel that enormous amount of love for life and loved ones, myself, instantly paired by the cruel factors that makes them impossible, and after a seconds this cruel, illogical and out-of-this-world punishment that simply makes no sense, at all. Even if you believe in God like me, it simply makes no sense to make a person (a narcissist) remain alive, make him see this beautiful, joyous, exciting wonder we call life and make him know it is something he can NEVER HAVE. Hope – bang, hope – bang.

    Seriously, even people who kill others get out of jail can have a second chance. I literally feel like I didn’t have one.

  • thystaborsod@gmail.com'
    SamGabor
    August 23, 2018

    For anyone who struggles with Narcissists and don’t know what to do, I’d say that, when you see the side of the Narcissist you love (probably the real one), try to think it as a demonstration of a person who could have been existed, but simply doesn’t. (S)he is just a body with a soul which can just sometimes occupy that body. At other times, a demon takes over and the soul is back somewhere. You can never completely have him / her.

  • kacpermarkowicz97@gmail.com'
    Kacper
    August 29, 2018

    This article made me pretty sad… I’m young and diagnosed with NPD and going to therapy… I feel like this article is somewhat stigmatisating people with mental issues. I’ve read lately artictle on web about how popular throwing labels like this became so popular these days, and that maybe we diagnose somebody narcissist to be justificated. Yet, it has nothing to do with psychology theories, psychodynamic theories etc.

    • Mindofnarcissist@gmail.com'
      Nandini
      September 3, 2018

      Narcissist can transform, i have gone through the process under the guidance of my Sadguru and cannot explain in words how I feel now.
      It was not easy to see the darker shades but now when I look back, this is the best thing ever.
      I don’t have to hurt any one to feel good about my broken small self.
      Please read my blog

      https://transformationofnarcissist.blogspot.com/?m=1

  • Mindofnarcissist@gmail.com'
    Nandini
    September 3, 2018

    Narcissist can transformed but it’s not a easy road.
    I have gone through the Process Under the guidance and support of my spiritual Sadguru.
    Please read my blog.

    https://transformationofnarcissist.blogspot.com/?m=1

  • katooskie@gmail.com'
    Eric
    October 8, 2018

    Hello Melanie,

    I have recently realized how destructive my narcissistic behaviour is after severely hurting someone that I thought I loved (and know deep down that I do in some way). I have known for years that something wasn’t right but it was never as much of an issue in other relationships as it became in this most recent one. I am a survivor of a narcissistic mother who was not nurturing or loving, and was physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive, having my father pass away when I was 7, and sexual abuse (and being sexually abusive) and I am about to start seeing a therapist soon and hope to start on the road to recovery. I find your idea of solitary confinement interesting and believe it could work but it does seem frightening and it is also sad that for a person who has often gone through such tragic abuse, neglect, and abandonment as a child and always feeling alone that one must continue to be isolated and feel alone as this is what caused the person to become narcissistic in the first place. Unfortunately, although it was not the person’s fault that they have become a narcissist it is nevertheless their responsibility to fix themselves. Also, it is very saddening to see just how much hatred there is for us when so many people seem to understand what causes us to become narcissists in the first place. Why can’t we learn to raise children properly and with love? Kids having kids. I believe a big part of why this is happening is because we are disconnected from nature and not living communally. If we weren’t all locked away in our own private boxes unscrutinized by our neighbours about our bad behaviour people couldn’t continue to covertly abuse their children.

    If anyone is interested, there have been recent (and not so recent) studies about being able to help narcissists lessen their behaviour and increase their empathy and come down the spectrum.

    I am interested in your healing program for narcissistic abuse survivors as you point out that it is the same healing required for a narcissist. Any information or direction you can provide is greatly appreciated.

    Hoping to overcome this to truly live as a healthy and loving person,

    Peace and Love,

    Eric

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 9, 2018

      Hi Eric,

      I truly do believe for all of us narcissistic or codependent (and the truth is as codependent when triggered into our wounds we can still act very destructively and unconsciously toward ourselves and others) that our dysfunctions are due to inner emotional wounds.

      When those wounds are released and healed we heal.

      The real question is are we going to do that deep inner work of meeting and being with our wounds in order to make that transformation happen.

      That is the result that NARP creates If its committed to.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • katooskie@gmail.com'
        Eric
        October 15, 2018

        Thank you for the reply Melanie. Agreed.

  • yamursah@gmail.com'
    Marry
    October 31, 2018

    Hi Melanie,
    First of all, thank you very much for your article. It was very informative and.. I would say touchy.
    I recenty ended my 2 year long relationship simply because something he did woke me up from the fantasy I’d been living in and showed me that being with him is destroying my self-esteem, but it does not mean that I don’t care for him and love him anymore, I love him as much as I did any day that we were together. That’s why I’m here, trying to understand him.
    I remember a time during our relationship where I started doing research about narcissism just because I was aware that something was off, but at some point I just cut it out, probably because I was afraid what I was gonna find out and just was not ready to face the truth. After we broke up, I continued with my research and yes, I think that he is most probably a covert narcissist. Did this relationship caused me damage? Absolutely. I had terrible times. But at the same time we had just the best times together as well, he changed me in a lot of good ways as well, and I’d found a lot of excellent things in him. And now, without him in my life, I feel much more like myself again and much happier although I still love&miss him so much. So, problem solved for me, right?
    But he is the one that has to live with himself. I know some of his traumas, some of the monstrous stuff his sick father did during his childhood, some of his insecurities etc. But apparently this is nothing compared to what he has deep inside. I can’t imagine what he had to cope with as a little innocent child. I was the closest to him, and even I know this little. He is all alone in his head, it’s just breaking my heart.
    I really want to understand a narcissist’s mind better. Is there anything you can recommend me to read, watch or do or anything you can think of to do so?

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