Melanie Tonia Evans

How To Help Your Children Who Are Affected By Narcissists

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 51
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

One of the saddest aspects of narcissistic abuse is our children can suffer.

Sadly when narcissists are trying to hurt and discredit their ex-partners in every shape or form, children can be used as ammunition and get caught in the cross-fire.

This can leave us dismayed, and in deep disbelief when we view the narcissist as having no conscience when it comes to the treatment of the children. When he or she has no issue with involving them, using them as pawns, and actually enjoys trying to turn the children against the ex-partner.

With narcissists anything or anyone may be fair game, including children.

You may find it hard not to resent how the narcissist can deny you and hurt you – but this pain can escalate to a whole new level when he or she withholds shelter, money and support from your children also.

For the non-narcissistic parent this creates intense grief, pain, disbelief and inevitable guilt.

We may feel incredible shame and pain for involving our children with the narcissist. We know that when we were being abused, we were hardly the model parent. We may have been emotionally and practically unavailable, and we know that our children were exposed to abuse, fights, and seeing the state we ended up in.

Our children may have believed that we were helpless, powerless and even crazy.

The levels of guilt and pain over what we have put our children through as a result of being with a narcissist can be horrific.

This article covers certain scenarios that can occur with our children, and I will endeavour to discuss the most painful and common situations.

1) Your child(ren) are severely hurt, traumatised and affected as a result of you being narcissistically abused.

2) Your child(ren) are turned against you or even taken away from you by the narcissistic parent.

3) You suspect that your child(ren) have been programmed into becoming narcissistic.

4) You have awful fears regarding the narcissist having visitation rights or joint custody.

5) Your child is in a relationship with a narcissist.


1) Your Child(ren) are Severely Hurt, Traumatised and Affected as a Result of You Being Narcissistically Abused

I really want you to understand this from a deeper and more spiritual perspective – and that is: there is nothing that an individual’s soul does not co-create that isn’t ‘right’ for the purpose of the opportunity to create evolution and healing.

Please know that a deep soul level your child chose this experience to have a narcissistic parent – there was no mistake.

It is really important for you to come to a level of acceptance so that you can start creating the most positive outcomes possible, rather than be stuck in non-acceptance (resistance) and be focused on and co-creating the negatives.

Possibly the most powerful statement in the human experience we can ever say (and deeply feel) is ‘It is what it is’, because then we allow ourselves to heal and accept and create more empowered realities.

Initially, I had masses of resistance in regard to putting my son through his experience with my choice of narcissistic partner, and I carried profound guilt, shame and trauma in regard to my inability to be an effective parent.

It was a disaster, truly and I felt like there was no way out of the mess. The more I focused on my guilt, pain and fear, and the more I tried to intervene, fix, lecture and prescribe to sort out my son’s life, and the mess his self-esteem and behaviour was, the worse it all got.

It was watching a Law of Attraction DVD by Ester Hicks (these were a part of my healing regime) and one episode resonated with me powerfully. It was about a mother who had no control of her wayward child, and the suggestions that channelled through Ester for this situation resonated with me a on a deep level.

I understood that as his mother my boy came from my energy. I realised that by ‘seeing’ the situation as hopeless, by seeing him stuck, going nowhere other than destroying his life, that effectively I was manifesting him being stuck. I was helping create this reality.

I also understood that if I manifested him in a different way, and stopped trying to fix and control him that I would be able to call him up into my reality as this different energy.

I also remembered a story I had heard long ago about a man with his boy who was wetting the bed, and how by expecting his son’s bed to be wet each morning that was the exact experience the man had every morning.

However, when the man decided to focus on and visualise his son’s bed being dry each morning, and his son being happy and feeling proud and confident, that is exactly what started to happen.

So I worked hard on releasing my resistance, my guilt, my pain, my personalisation as to how my son was behaving and how he was treating me and his life.

Then I stopped hooking into his behaviour. I stopped arguing, prescribing and lecturing and instead saw him as I wanted to ‘see’ him.

Every night in my journal I wrote about my son the way I wanted to him to be. I wrote about him being empowered, finding his way, and connecting to his amazing inner wisdom.

And when I wrote about this I made sure I would take my time to really imagine it, and feel it.

I felt my pain drop, my fear release, and I noticed that he was far less combative.

Within a matter of weeks the situation turned around incredibly.

My son had moved out and started being responsible – he was boarding. He got a job, he stopped his self-destructive behaviour. He was finding himself and he got his life back on track.

As human beings we are control freaks, we forget the power within and we try to DO everything we can to change the things that are causing us pain, and worst of all we try to address our issues whilst we are feeling extreme pain.

We don’t realise that this is not the state to create change from.

We forget about our inner vibrational power when we do this, and we forget that no one wants to change themselves because of someone else’s ideas.

In fact when we try to change people against their will and bend them to our own, they are ONLY going to resist. They never will change.

ESPECIALLY our kids!

Yet when we change our vibration about them and stop trying to lecture and prescribe, then their vibration changes, and because they have had a vibrational change it is their change. It becomes their truth that they are not in resistance to.

My greatest advice is, if you are worried about the damage your children have suffered as a result of the narcissist (regardless of whether the narcissist is still in your child’s life or not) heal yourself first and work hard on that.

The manifestation of your child ‘getting better’ has to come from a solid basis of your own empowerment.

If it doesn’t, and you do the ‘self-sacrificial parent act’ of trying to not put yourself first and trying to heal your children without ‘caring’ about your own welfare,  your efforts will fall flat, and you will only enable them to stay stuck and sick.

You must lead the way by example – and then work at ‘seeing’ and ‘feeling’ your children as you wish them to be.

This is why I say to so many parents who want to drag their children to therapy against their will – heal your children through yourself – because this is the only way it works!

I have seen miracles take place when parents understand this concept and get on to vibrationally healing themselves and then calling their children up into the energy. The results can be extremely powerful and can occur very quickly.


2) The Children are Turned Against You or Even Taken Away From You By The Narcissistic Parent

This must be one of the most painful experiences anyone could ever experience as a result of narcissistic abuse.

Generally when the narcissist turns the children against you, you are hooked into this severely. This is understandable, because the injustices of lies and smear campaigns affect virtually every human being in really powerful ways.

This will be especially true when your own children are manipulated and turned against you with the use of these tactics.

The truth of the matter is, however, that the more we get emotionally charged, the more we fight back, and the more we try to defend ourself against the narcissist. As a result  the atrocities escalate even more, and the more the atrocities work in the narcissist’s favour.

It is a fact of Energetic Law, the more we focus on something, and the more emotional power we grant to that focus, the more we manifest it into our experience.

There is no escaping Energetic Law, and regardless of how ‘wrong’ it is, Energetic Law is unconditional, it does not decide that what the narcissist is doing is ‘wrong’, it just takes your focus and emotional intensity and creates realities based on that in your personal experience.

The more you try to control it and change it by pushing back against it, the more you will cement it in place.

The true remedy for getting out of this emotional charge is ‘know who you are’ and have no need to defend it to anyone – especially your children.

Ignore what is being said, do not try to defend yourself adamantly, do not try to declare your innocence, or try to convince your children that their father or mother is a liar and you are the one telling them the truth.

Do not righteously declare that you deserve better treatment, or personalise, or hold onto the judgement of how ungrateful your children are and how disrespectful they are by treating you this way.

Remember you are only going to manifest ‘more of the same’ if you do.

Do NOT hold resentment toward your children.

It is very important to focus on, feel and journal about the love and connection you have with your children, and be a loving and consistent parent instead.

If they ask you questions regarding the slander, answer unemotionally and factually without getting charged up and without trying to discredit the narcissist. Then having said what you need to, move on. Leave it with your kids, let them process and simply change the subject.

If your children throw awful allegations at you, simply state “That’s okay, everyone can have opinions regarding the facts, and sometimes they differ”. Don’t focus or dwell on it – just get on with being you.

I understand it may be very difficult to not get emotional in this circumstance. But if you maintain constant awareness of your reaction to the allegations, you can identify when you would normally get emotionally charged and from here on  choose not to react to it.

If you do this you will be amazed at the results.

Inevitably if you are not the one slandering, lying and retaliating, and you are seen as the calm and loving one, the children will work it out. This always happens. But if you fight back, and get anxious, energised and deranged, you will appear as the ‘wrong one’.

If you children have been turned against you, and you don’t see them anymore, do what you can legally (if you wish to) and at the same time start visualising and feeling love and reconnection.

Let go of all the hurt you can, regarding not seeing your children, and what the narcissist has done, and become a vibration of connection and love with your children instead.

I have seen the most incredible miracles of reconnection (even decades after separation) occur countless times when ostracised parents do this.


3) You Suspect that One or More of Your Children have been Programmed into Becoming Narcissists.

In regards to your concerns about your children’s programming, as a result of being exposed to a narcissistic parent, know this: the narcissist is less likely to behave like a narcissist when you are not present. When you are present, the narcissist is more likely to use the children and turn them against you.

Also know children can grow up with healthy emotional intelligence if they have one stable parent and a narcissistic parent that are not living together – as long as there is a consistency of love and firm healthy boundaries with one parent – which of course will be you.

If you suspect that your child(ren) have become narcissistic you need to visualise, feel and focus on your child getting well, and you need to learn all you can about effective parenting and boundary setting.

This is vital.


4) You have Fears about the Narcissist who has Visitation Rights or Joint Custody.

If you have fear for your children’s life and wellbeing in regard to the narcissist, you do have a right to withhold access until the legal system has determined what is safest for the children’s welfare.

We all know that narcissists do not make great parents. They don’t respect or teach boundaries, their mirroring is unhealthy, and it’s not the greatest environment for our children to be in.

However, narcissists also have legal rights, and it is extremely difficult to get any sort of diagnosis to stop your children from being in the care of the narcissist.

I do urge you that if you really do suspect violation that is sexual or life-threatening, do everything you can to get help and support in order to intervene.

Be very aware though, that the more you push and fight trying to limit or stop access, the more the narcissist is going to be energised and fight you – and the more your children are going to be torn up in the middle.

The truth of that matter is, in many circumstances you may not be able to stop shared custody to some extent– and the more you try to stop it, the bigger fight you will have on your hands.

Again your best bet is to vibrationally deal with this issue within yourself.

When you can become more at peace with the situation and ‘see’ and ‘feel’ that your children will be safe, and they will work their way through this, and when you let go of your resistance and fear (which never helps your children), and you don’t hook in or buy into the narcissist’s behaviour, the less ‘appeal’ the children will have to the narcissist, (especially if he or she is using the children to get at you).

And the less your children will be adversely affected.

So don’t sweat the narcissistic behaviour that would normally push your buttons.

Maintain strong boundaries, and make sure there are agreed visitation, access or consent orders, stating times and days, and don’t step outside them no matter how much the narcissist tries to convince you to.

As soon as you let go of a boundary with a narcissist and give an inch – he or she will take a mile.

Don’t be tempted to change your visitation with the narcissist for ‘favours’. Sick strictly to the agreement, and say ‘no’ to changing them.

Narcissists do not respect boundaries and rules, and all of this works in your favour. Record any breach of agreements. Document all of it, also record the inevitable abuse and attacks when you don’t give in to bending the rules for the narcissist.

Don’t give in to the fear of ‘he will cut off my money’ or ‘she will take it out on the children’. Remember the narcissist has been abusing you and not respecting your boundaries because of your fearful ‘what if’s’ if you don’t comply.

All of this needs to stop, and you need to walk your truth – for you and your children. If the narcissist cuts of payments, deal with it through the relevant authorities, if he or she breaches shared custody agreements document it, and deal with it legally when you have enough evidence.

If the narcissist abuses you verbally, or by text or email place an intervention order on him or her.

Keep your boundaries, know your rights and implement them. Do not hook into conversations, lecturing, prescribing or trying to reach some sort of peaceful agreement without authorities.

Stop expecting the narcissist to act like a rational, normal and co-operate human being – because this is not what narcissists do.

Keep all action you take with the use of third party authorities, don’t threaten the narcissist you are going to do this. Just do it.

Inevitably the narcissist will keep screwing up,  their history gets worse and worse, and eventually they lose visitation, or give up and find other ways to create narcissistic supply and lose interest in their children.

So unless you can prove physical threat has occurred to your children, set firm boundaries, get them drawn up and agreed on, stick to them, have total modified contact, and let go of the angst. Then visualise, journal and work at vibrationally manifesting your children as safe and well.

Work on your own vibration not to hook into, get frustrated, or enraged by the narcissist’s attempts to throw you off balance and distress you – because he or she WILL try.

Don’t ever think that by staying because of the children that your children have a better chance. It is well known that narcissists thrive off dementing their love partners, and if you stay, the children get twisted up in all of that and used as ammunition against you.

It is much better for yourself and your children if you leave the relationship and organise as much access as you.

Here are the list of don’t if you are co-parenting with a narc

  • Don’t let your children see that the narcissist gets to you through them. It is much better when the children say something about the narcissist, rather than reacting say “Oh well that’s just Dad or Mum’s way” and then state the positive which reinforces confidence, belief and wellbeing to your child. Rather than you demeaning the narcissist to the child, have faith that your child will work it out.
  • Don’t overcompensate because of the way the narcissist treats the child. One of the most dangerous recipes to create a narcissistic child is one parent spoiling and having poor boundaries (over-loving) the child, and the other being a narcissist. Don’t fall for that trap.
  • Heal yourself, let go of your pain, fear and resistance regarding the narcissist, and learn all you can about how to be a healthy parent raising children with firm loving boundaries and positive mirroring – this is essential.

You may be competing with a narcissist who is spoiling, buying and appealing to the materialistic side of your children.

Hold firm in your values and truth, and realise that real love is not fancy gadgets and expensive gifts. It is consistency, emotional sustenance and the knowing that you are present, reliable and true. This will pay off in the long run – especially if you don’t buy into the resentment of what the narcissist is doing, and try resentfully to compete with him or her.


5) Your Child is in a Narcissistic Relationship

This is tough – really tough.

It is horrible seeing someone you love so much throwing their life and emotions away in a narcissistic relationship and getting horrifically damaged in the meantime.

First of all have empathy – and tons of it.

Logically you can’t believe why they would tolerate this and stay (unless you have been in an narcissistic relationship yourself), and you may see that this child is attractive, intelligent and capable, and you believe it should be so easy for him or her to say goodbye and move on with their life.

But it isn’t. You child is hooked up in an intense peptide addiction akin to being a heroin addict, and it is not that simple.

One thing is for certain, the more you try to fix, argue, demand, lecture and prescribe, the more you are going to push your child deeper into the clutches of the narcissist.

Your child has to make his or her decision to break away and want to stay away.

This is the time for unconditional love and letting your child know you are there to support and help when he or she comes to you, but you respect that your child has to make his or her own decisions.

Remember again this is a soul lesson, this is a karmic lesson that your child has chosen at a soul level to go through – in order to heal his or her unhealed parts – just as you did.

Work hard at getting your focus off fear, distress, hatred for the narcissist and everything else that is negatively energising you.

I know this is totally counter intuitive to what you think you should be doing, and I know how hard it is to drop it and let go of control.

But truly the way you would normally do this is not going to work.

It is human nature when forced to do something against his or her will to rebel, and not comply. Getting free and well has to be your child’s vibrational choice.

Start working on releasing your pain and fear and start seeing and feeling (manifesting) you child as getting well, and that he or she will see it for what it is, and is becoming empowered.

That is the true way to help him or her heal and break free.


This article has been a long one but there is a good reason for that.

Understanding how to create the best possible outcome for our children when exposed to narcissists is a very important and heart-felt topic.

I am aware that my solutions to helping our children may seem too glib and etheral to some of you.

What I have written may be conflicting to some beliefs or what has been written about children in regards to narcissistic abuse.

I wish to state that there is a good reason for us, it is a powerful soul lesson that we must learn in order to recognise the gift of narcissistic abuse.

We only have the power to change what’s inside of us. No one else.

I have witnessed over the years that when people recognise this lesson and put their efforts into changing their inner world that their outer world, and what is important to them, including their children changes drastically.

Please know every day I receive the indisputable proof that what I share DOES WORK.

I have seen the most-heartbreaking stories turn into joy, love, reconnection and healing at break-neck speed when a parent works hard at letting go of the pain and the fear, and does align their inner vibration to be match for what they DO want for their children.

As a result of the pain we are suffering regarding our children, we truly can come ‘home’ and realise the incredible and powerful creators that we really are – and how we and our loved ones all benefit when we claim that power.

If you have already transformed your inner world, and experienced the changes it has created for your children, I know you could help inspire others.

Please share your stories in the comments below.


The following two tabs change content below.
Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

Your Free New Life Starter Pack

2 free eBooks free intro Video 2 hour free Webinar
  • Find out if someone in your life has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
  • Learn how to do “No Contact” and keep it for good.
  • Discover how to get relief from the pain.
  • Learn how to reclaim your life with my 10-step process.

Sign up below to join my Community of over 50,000 people, and receive weekly information, inspiration and tools to get your life back on track.

ssl security padlock   We value your privacy. Your information will never be shared.
134 Thoughts on How To Help Your Children Who Are Affected By Narcissists
    August 24, 2012

    I was a child who grew up who had a narcissistic father. He was a heavy drinker at times through his life. He had an affair on mum & i havw many memories of mum & dad arguing. Dad always turned the argument around to make mum feel bad.
    I grew up with massive self esteem issues & looked for love in the wrong places through high school. I’m surprised i didnt end up with a teenage pregnancy. I also grew up feeling bad for my dad & worrying for him as he always made out as if he had it really tough. He changed jobs rwgularly but always swemed to

    I also grew up always feeling bad for my dad as he always made out as if he always had it tough. Hw changed

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 24, 2012

      Hi Ellen,

      Yes it is true that we can be very affected by a narcissistic parent.

      And truly this is our unhealed wounds that require our attention and healing – otherwise we keep unconsciously playing out the same dynamics in our future relationships – ‘trying to fix Mum or / and Dad and how they didn’t love me THIS TIME!’

      I hope you make your liberation from these old wounds your mission, so that you can be free…

      Mel xo

        Kathleen Nelson
        March 1, 2017

        NO CHILD CHOOSES TO BE ABUSED BY A NARCISSISTIC PARENT ON ANY LEVEL. Why would anyone blame a child for how a parent chooses to behave. Abuse and deep spiritually have nothing to do with each other. It is so upsetting that someone like you, that is hopefully meaning to help people, is blaming victims, especially children.
        Stop it!

          April 13, 2017

          The way I see it- you must be a Narcissist yourself- lol

      March 12, 2013

      I have done everything you suggested when it comes to protecting my child. I have implemented strong boundaries (no contact with his father), won custody and keep to the orders and facilitated authorities whenever I have the need. I left my Narc ex him a year ago, but the abuse still continues. He uses my son as pawn.
      He was forced to leave the country in January (because I kept strong and let it all unfold as you suggested).
      Since then, my son has been beating me and and raging on me daily!
      It is so very hard to deal with and to watch my son feeling used makes it doubly hard!
      My son is only . How do I help him process his feelings?

      March 12, 2013

      I have done everything you suggested when it comes to protecting my child. I have implemented strong boundaries (no contact with his father), won custody and keep to the orders and facilitated authorities whenever I have the need. I left my Narc ex a year ago, but the abuse still continues. He uses my son as pawn.
      He was forced to leave the country in January (because I kept strong and let it all unfold as you suggested).
      Since then, my son has been beating me and and raging on me daily!
      It is so very hard to deal with and to watch my son feeling used makes it doubly hard!
      My son is only 5. How do I help him process his feelings?

        March 6, 2015

        I am in the same boat Holly and would like to have advice on this as well but do not see a response to your ? :/

      January 23, 2018

      Thank you so much for sharing your story here. I hope you come back and finish your comment, as I am really interested in hearing how and when in your life you came to realize that your father has narcissistic personality disorder. How & when did your mother break away from him? How did your father’s narcissism effect your relationship with your mother and your feelings about her, then and in the long term?
      I am also particularly interested in hearing more about how he used his employment as a tool to make you see him as a martyr, making you feel pity for him and a sense of obligation to him. What happened to make you aware of these very subtle manipulations? Please forgive me if I am asking a lot of really deep and personal questions, but this is exactly the information I am looking for.
      A heartfelt thanks to the OP/author of the article. Thank you for giving me these helpful tools. I felt the truth of your message permeate my bones as I read it. It was as if I had always known this, deep inside, but could not bring it to my awareness until someone reminded me. I look forward to submitting my own happy ending now that I understand how to frame my thoughts going forward. I am terrified and exhilarated at the same time.

    August 24, 2012

    Have had issues leaving a comment.

    ***dad always seemed to end up in high profile jobs. I felt as though the parent/child roles were reversed as i always felt i needed ro lift dad’s spirits and do anything to make him feel good!

    He didnt worry about how i was feeling.

    August 24, 2012

    I am so amazed about how timely this information is for me. I have had questions in my head for the past few days which have been troubling me greatly and the answer just appears in your email. I know what to do now. Thank you Mel and thank you Universe.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 24, 2012

      Hi Jan,

      I am so pleased this information was just what you needed at this time…

      Lovely that you feel aligned with this ‘knowing’ now – because that is true empowerment.

      Wishing you all the best of luck whilst being in your power…

      Mel xo

        maria mckenna
        December 25, 2014

        Melanie, I think that most sites that speak about this topic..MISTAKENLY ONLY SPEAK ABOUT THE CHARACTERISTICS OF A. ( GRANDIOSE NARCISSIST) which can be very deceiving when ur husband is the kind of person who comes off the opposite of being the hit of the party etc. My husband was always shy, timid comes across somewhat anti-social etc.. BECAUSE MY HUSBAND IS A ” VULNERABLE. NARCISSIST. ” And i believe that this type is able to get away with it for a much more longer period of time in ur relationship n certainly to the outside world. Not Mr Shy, Quiet, Humble, Mr Nice Guy. Dont be fooled. He is as evil as they come. SO PLZ MELANIE I THINK THAT ALL THESE SITES NEED TO BE SENSITIVE TO THE FACT THAT NOT ALL NPD ARE GRANDIOSE.. WHEN GIVING THE TRAITS OF A NPD THE ONLY GIVE THAT OF A GRANDIOSE NOT A VULNERABLE. PEOPLE ND TO BE AWARE THAY THIS EXIST. MOST PEOPLE WLD NOT HAVE EDUCATED THEMSELVES FOR 7 YRS LIKE I DID TO UNDERSTAND HIS BEHAVIOR.. I THINK IT CAN BE SO DECEIVING TO VICTIMS (LIKE I USE TO BE). THANK YOU ..MARIA

          January 23, 2018

          AMEN, SISTER! I thought I knew what a narcissist was for several years before it finally sunk in that I was sleeping next to one every night. My husband is shy & introverted, and he does not like to attend social gatherings. He’s the farthest thing from the grandiose “life of the party” or “center of attention”. This aspect of his personality kept his narcissism hidden from me for 23 years! It took me almost 20 years to even consciously realize he was emotionally abusing me, and still I blamed myself for it, because I could not see him as dishonest or disloyal. When I started to catch him in big lies and confronted him, he began a smear campaign against me. I know they are the handiwork of narcissists, so I finally did an internet search of “shy narcissists” a few months ago, and that was my moment of realization. Since then, I have gone back over old bank statements and discovered he hid money from me and the kids for years. Not just money he made, he also took money I earned. Money we didn’t have for dance lessons or family vacations, money I didn’t have to get away from him, money he just decided he should have and we shouldn’t.
          Once I FINALLY knew what I up against, I knew that my many gut instincts about him, which I always dismissed as my own neurosis, were very likely correct. While I am distressed to learn that he never loved me and that he doesn’t love our children, I am relieved to learn that I’m not crazy, as even I bought into his deliberate attempts to discredit and marginalized me. I am a survivor of narcissistic domestic abuse that spans my entire adult life. As much as I wish I could help him realize his problem and work to correct it, knowing he’s a narcissist means I can let go of that pipe dream.

      Jennifer McNish
      October 29, 2015

      Yes thank you, the timing was uncanny. Meeting our 17yr old daughter this afternoon to luckily drive her to see Social worker, court date for review in Nov. (13 yr battle) I have realized that all I can do is help her to be happy and successful and then to read your post gave me the right headspace to be with her. I was scared that she would have a blowout that it was a setup but hours before I read your words and they resonated strongly as the answer. Love, we had mother daughter time. So thank you

    August 24, 2012

    Thanks Melanie,
    I totally get this way of thinking, at least intellectually at the moment as this is my training as a Rebirther/Counsellor however what I really need to do is the very thing I was doing the week I met Romeo 22 years ago and reconnect with my soul self, regain my spiritual connection and get back into my daily spiritual practice that I let lapse.  Often when I and the children did a process or implemented a ritual the husband would discount it, demean, devalue and dismiss (but initially he would do this so very underhandedly with a lot of loving care, distraction and worship and self sacrifice until we went into what I now recognize as our pattern or cycle of abuse. In the end I was waiting for his repressed and suppressed self to act out resentment towards us (mainly me) and boy oh boy did I ever convince the world what a great husband and Dad he was and so many people (women mostly) were insanely jealous and envious even questioning my deservedness of such a devoted man (umm manipulative control freak more like it)
    OK WELL, I can do most of what you propose and I have been a pokerface for the 2 of our 7 that we now have temp orders in place for joint custody which is better than his random kidnappings!  Yet my situation is a lot more complex than what you offer here as the elder 4 have been totally brainwashed and groomed and he has expertly carried out maternal alienation and the two boys have become extremely misogynistic.  Unfortunately because I truly was in absolute denial and thought we were soul mates, begging him for the last 4 years for us to both get marriage counselling and I hung/clung on to the good times allowing the awful abuse he dished to continue by idealizing all that was favorably offered and taking what good I could get accepting the limits and the conditional love he demanded from all of us – OH THERE ARE CONDITIONS!
    I do struggle to understand how he continues to subjugate and physically and emotionally abuse our children (particularly the 14 yo who he controls and has him tongue wagging at his beck and call thinking his Dad is all that and he uses Taekwondo as an excuse to attack him physically.  I think the hurtful put downs and disgusting way and cruel way he refers to all people pointing out all faults and getting kids to laugh he instills lack consciousness and a dependency as he uses very covert tactics and coercive control to keep everyone close.  He’s very good at mincing a thread/shred of truth like a comedian can bring a house down by using broad common knowledge or opinion to get his audience to relate then has everyone on board and then embellishes until its quite a reasonable sane looking observation that others identify with further alienating the victim!  My Narc has also rejected our now 10yo and refuses to admit or acknowledge  abuse reported even convincing officials, police, old principal etc that I’m nuts and i make stuff up, on drugs, causing these protectors of children to further dismiss, discount and even delete words she wants heard and add their own words and our beautiful girl is left seen as a victim from the mothers agendas which is not at all the case!  She reported all sorts of abuse I was unaware of and I do feel like an absent parent for not seeing or witnessing overt abuse and she and I learnt to minimize our pain and our hurt!  I encouraged our girl to go with her Father while his actions were not congruent with his lying words claiming I was alienating her from him – thank GOD for her Anglicare Social Worker who has worked with her and witnessed his manipulation and his classic domestic violence abuse and intimidation and she has made multiple mandatory reports!  She and our Doctor have diagnosed her with PTSD as she uses particular coping mechanisms and feels desperately unsafe near her Father or elder siblings.  He’s still for one whole year left us homeless financially abusing us refusing to care if we eat or keep warm taking two portable heaters he didn’t need so we suffer in my care and he regularly terrorized us when we were forced to squat back in our former marital home not only stopping by to manually switch off services but stealing personal items and taking whatever he wanted vindictively like power cords to kids wii so they couldn’t have anything whole in my care (me and 2 & 3 littlest left with over $30,000 of utility bills that i am harrassed for daily) AND the KICKER was his escalation beyond this when I took 7yo dd to psychologist and counsellors cos she reported everything factually with no emotion “a lawyers dream” -Would you believe he stole all the lightbulbs and left booby traps and little intimidating signs placing a ripped off dolls head with a mental health booklet left for me and he does not recognize that what Romeo says about Helen says more about Romeo than it does about Helen !  HURTFUL & apparently I have coped well considering the year of hell he sunk to an all low convincing older children to make false statements and had me arrested and charged with his false allegations YES finally false aggravated assault charges dismissed but the debilitating cost, stress, hurt, disbelief and angst was incredible and unable to pursue abuse of power case with police due to ongoing case designed to fuck me up when it was me who was violently assaulted in front of 5 of our 7 children with him convincing 2 teens to join in and steal my phone and money grabbing at me while he had physical control, i wet myself and immediately my then 13yo did the whole gas-lighting thing/ trip on me – I was reeling, reeling because I knew I was not crazy and it was not water I’d spilt on myself that my son started abusively accusing me of orchestrating a story for all to believe in. I went into shock, this was at my 7yo’s birthday party she asked me to come at the end to do the cake. I digress ….. I guess I struggle with the story must be told as he’s dragging me thru courts totally attacking my credibility attacking my ability and capacity to earn by shutting down access to my phone number and website, and forcing all money from settlement to remain in conveyancers account as claiming its all his and my share will barely cover costs making all threats come true on what he was going to do to me so I would not be able to support and raise our children and said he’d even make sure Centrelink will not pay me which he created on 4 occasions with his false claims of having kids in his care and now created a debt of $2500+ due to false reporting!
    It’s such a mess and I have been disadvantaged struggling to get anything vital done as my care of 3 littlest must be exalted above all things! I cannot at this moment offer the Disneyland he offers nor can I even provide or maintain what they are familiar with!  I’ve barely had Internet and loads of IT probs, no family, busy friends concerned about getting involved or just unable to do anything!
    I need help to continue to move thru this – don’t wanna be right i wanna be happy!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 24, 2012

      Hi Helen,

      thank you for your post.

      The truth of the matter is my love, that you do (and of course it is understandable) have a lot of pain and unresolved emotional charges (as yet) regarding what has taken place.

      Your first point of call (before anything) is to ‘shift’ this. Truly from your vantage point now, at present, it is going to be very difficult for you to shift into acceptance and vibrating positively in regard to your children.

      There are still large amounts of peptide addiction and Inner Identity Beliefs screaming in pain…and these need to be addressed before anything in your life experience can improve…

      THEN you will be able to be in a solid and healthier space to start aligning with ‘what you do want to create’ instead of feeling the agony and the pain of ‘what you don’t want in your life’ – which is currently taking place and being held in place as per your pain..

      Have you watched my first two videos, because they will allow you to understand what is taking place within you….

      The third video grants the solutions and will help you to understand ‘the way out’ even more.

      Truly Helen after what you have been through (like so many others who have been narc abused) you need much deeper and more powerful solutions than just ‘logic’ or ‘information’ which isn’t penetrating or shifting your inner agony…

      Helen I would really like you to start working at deeper core levels in order to get ‘change’ and ‘relief’ – please for yourself and your children commit to this free healing which will start shifting the agony for you

      I hope my reply has helped and makes sense.

      Mel xo

      Laurie Mathis
      March 22, 2017

      Wow! You described my life to a T! Now my son is 22 years old, an addict and homeless. He has no self-esteem or self worth. he hates himself. The hardest part is watching him grow into a NPD right in front of me. He was raised with both parents. (he won 50/50 custody) My ex N lives with his horrible mother and they both verbally abused my son, They also allienated them against me & brainwashed them (both my boys) to hate me. I dont know how to help my poor son. Please give me any advise. He wont go to rehab, counselors, doctors and he has a Warrant too. I feed me him every day. we argue all the time beause he doesnt listen. Growing up with his alcoholic Narssictic Father has ruined his life. im so so sad for the children. What can i do please?

        January 23, 2018

        Laurie, I hope your son is faring better these days. I feel the pain of your situation. I am in a similar boat with my 20 yr old daughter. Thankfully she still lives at home but the rest of the description fits her well. One bit of advice I can give is to avoid arguments and conflict with him. Just be all love and all support. He does not need any more criticism. He is well aware of his defects. Reminding him of them only makes him angry and defensive and brings more negative energy into your reality with him. Hope that helps. Good luck to you.

    August 24, 2012

    Hi Melanie, this aspect concerns me deeply. I have 4 children who are being horribly affected. My wife and I are seperated currently and my poor children are being pulled everywhere. My wife accused me of being a narcissist and she is reading how to recover from an abusive narcisstic relationship. So not really knowing what it meant I looked it up, and here I am.
    The thing is I answered the quiz honestly and scored 62. I then answered on her behalf and came up with 344. What do I do next?
    Thanks D

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 24, 2012

      Hi Darren,

      yes this is always difficult and really tough. It is very ‘normal’ narc behaviour for them to project on to you what they are themself, and proclaim they are the victim.

      Darren what is really important for you is for you to get on to all the support and information you require to get out of the pain and the fear and create boundaries, so that you can start taking your power back and creating the best possible outcome for you and your children.

      Please find this resource link:

      Please access this link – read, listen to my radio shows, access support from the Narc facebook Page (there are men in the Group that have also gone through what you have) and do everything you can to get into a better and more supported space.

      I feel for you, and I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

    August 24, 2012

    I now realize that I was “a victim”, though try not to use that word, as my mother was and still is “a narcissist”. I was FAMILIAR with the treatment, as I think, was the reason, that I married a N, because, the treatment, was familiar. I AM SO SCARED, that my son, is a N. I know that N’s, are considered the LOWEST rung of Psychopaths, and I truly “understand why”…..N’s have no SOUL. But he, the N, has truly “brainwashed” my kids, and I am FIGHTING LIKE HELL, to get them to understand, that the N”s way, is not the right way! HELP! I pray everynight, that the SOUL I saw at 18 months in my SON, will come back. So far, no such luck. He is A N, just like his BIO…..I cant even give credit to the X-N, as a DAD. The TERM “DAD” is earned, BIO dad, “is what is is”……Thanks for your article….I will TRY to vibrate….”i want to SEE the soul, in my son, I saw at 18 months”,….before the intervention of the N, became so PROMINANT!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 24, 2012

      Hi Teri,

      yes that is the key – try not to give energy to ‘what you don’t want’ in regard to your son.

      Heal yourself from the abuse and vibrate your son up into your truth in regard to him…

      And don’t try to combat the narc’s behaviour with your son – just concentrate on creating ‘what you want’…

      This is your mission – truly..

      Mel xo

      Tracy Johnson
      August 25, 2012

      I am and still struggle with the same issues – what my Mother “Did” has influenced (ruined) my whole life and I’m not young. My son’s father practiced parental alienation ten years ago and we have still not recovered – I dont know whether we will although I would like to hope. My son is now 21 and is a narcissist and I too remember his adorable soul.
      Melanie – I accessed the radio show on quantum healing but Adobe Flash crashed halfway through – interesting energy outcome. Sad really as flash is not necessary for a radio show and I dont feel like starting over with it

    August 24, 2012

    Hi Lisa,

    I’m having trouble with my kids (20 and 24, still live with me). They are in contact with their father but I am NC outside any contact needed for finalizing divorce. Do this by email only. They do not understand why I will not answer his calls or personally give him his mail. Seems like they get ticked off by it, although they know full well what he is like. I can’t bring myself to tell them straight that he is a N/P because that feels like slandering their father. As I said they know what he is like but don’t really see the extent of it. Would love some advice on this. Been NC for nearly 4 months, divorce will be final in about 2 weeks. No settlement yet as his bookkeeping was not complete. In our country settlement can be done after actual divorce. Not expecting much cooperation in that department though. Thanks for any input!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 24, 2012

      Hi Anna,

      truly when you resolve within yourself any angst of how your children perceive you in regard to not replying, and YOU feel totally okay with it – others including your children will ‘get it’.
      Your energy and belief is what creates the ‘outer perceptions’ from others.

      So don’t justify and defend – just state ‘I am honouring me’ and leave it at that. And yes you are so right if you slander him this will turn them against you even more – KNOW they will work it out overtime…and truly it is their journey to heal and work it out…

      Also change your beliefs in regard to ‘not expecting much cooperation’ and start feeling, and vibrating at ‘receiving cooperation’.

      Remember Anna, YOU are the vibrational creator of your reality…

      I hope this helps…

      Mel xo

        August 24, 2012

        Thanks Melanie! Just watched the first 2 video’s and understand what you are telling me. Can’t wait for the 3rd one!
        I’ve done alot of work, got out, learned about the disorder, stayed NC. A bit stuck now. I know it has to be about me but getting attacked by my kids is hard and pulling me back.
        I did however think last night, after another phone call and slack from my kids: I’am the one who decides if I will have contact or not and I choose not to! But the girls reaction started eating away at me this morning.
        I hear you. I’m going for a long walk to think it over right now!! Thanks for everything!

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          August 25, 2012

          Hi Anna,

          I am so pleased that it is starting to make sense….truly!

          The third video will definitely help you understand even more..

          You are very welcome

          Mel xo

            September 8, 2012

            Just got ambushed by my youngest. She is to recieve her bachelors (law, I’m somproud of her!) and there will this big ceremonie on October 5th. She invited her Dad and told me today that I was invited but if didn’t want to come, I shouldn’t. Threw me off for a few moments, as i’ve supported her all the way in every aspect and he didn’t give a …… But I pulled myself together right away and said “I can do that, wouldn’t want to miss it”.
            So now I will have to come up with a strategy to steer clear of him. Knowing what I know now, it would be great never to see him again. But I really think I can do this without being pulled into mindfuck games again. I’ll just ignore him and be there for my daughter. Any other tips? I know this is dangerous, but I can’t stay away from this function. Sucks….

    August 24, 2012

    Need to clarify why I feel like slandering is not okay. I feel it will turn me into the bad guy, which I am now probably heading towards anyway, because he’ll be commenting on the way I treat him now, for sure. Dont know how to handle this…..

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    August 24, 2012

    Hi Dawn,

    Wow Dawn you have just had a massive shift into True Self function!!

    Yay – and congratulations I am so happy for you 🙂

    Mel xo

    August 24, 2012

    Dear Mel, I stopped my childs contact with his father 5 months ago over worries of emotional abuse, drinking and his messing with dates. A particular incident left my son deeply upset several times a day for weeks. I had a solicitors letter sent asking for the behaviour to stop and for the N to apologise to him…which inevitably ended in me getting abused by text. The N has now disappeared, leaving my son deeply hurt with no closure. He swings between anger, and sadness and also misses him. I have been feeling so guilty like it is my fault he is in the situation and maybe I should try to mend it and today, I bumped into the N in a shop. I turned and walked out and than came home and cried.
    I was do not want my son to have no father, but I believe that perhaps that is better than one who hurts him.
    Am I right to keep such strong boundaries here? I don’t want to put my son back in that situation and for the N to think that he can continue doing what he has done. I believe he has stopped contact to hurt me as he knows my job required me to work on the days he had our son. I’m confused about what is best for my son because he is going through so many emotions.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 25, 2012

      Hi Phyllis,

      truly your son’s father has every ability if he was ‘normal’ to stand up and show he can be a good father…and hasn’t – which truly is giving you confirmation that you have done the right thing…

      Work hard at letting go of your guilt, and know that the line you have set is ‘behave and act decently’ and ‘step up if you wish to, and that will be okay’…and it is him that is choosing not to..

      When you let go of feeling your son as being okay this is the experience you will start to create…I know this is difficult – but truly there is a process to make it much easier..

      In order to clear your pain and guilt, so you can be true to aligning with your boundary, you can utilise this free healing to help you achieve that ‘inner state’.

      Make sure you have time to yourself take a pen and paper and follow the instructions and you will experience a shift and relief.

      This will help…

      Mel xo

    August 25, 2012

    This is what I don’t know how to handle in the way that is best for my kids. I’d be SO grateful for any advice. I’m legally separated with 3 sons. I have no contact with him except email about child-parenting only. He began dating nearly immediately after our separation, and began spending ALL his time with the kids with his new partner within a week or 2 of dating her. He lives across the street from me, so began having her spend all weekends across the street from me!!! I feel this is teaching my kids abominable things about marriage, respect for their mom, family, boundaries, how to be men… The girlfriend has joined his slander campaign against me, and even levied false legal charges against me!!!
    When the kids come home from weekends with their dad they want to talk about her, and I understand that HE put these kids prematurely in the middle of a bad situation, and it’s not THEIR fault that they want to tell me about their time with her. I feel that she is someone not acting for my good, and therefore isn’t for my kid’s good. My ex is extremely toxic toward me as well, and I have a no-contact order against him, but there is nothing I can legally do to restrict him from the kids as he’s not a physical threat. Just an emotional one. He hates and disparages their mother, exposes his kids to unhealthy dynamics… I don’t want to hear about the girlfriend when the kids come home. At the same time I don’t want them to have to keep their experiences away from me!!! I don’t want them thinking that dating while you’re still married, and doing it across the street from your wife is fine, etc. But I don’t want to bad-mouth their dad, nor put-down the girlfriend whom they do like. I don’t know how to put truth here for them. Any comments or help are appreciated!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 25, 2012

      Hi Kelli,

      Yes this is tough for you emotionally – but truly what you are describing relates exactly to the article.
      I know you are hurt (and I can totally comprehend it!!!) – however you are exercising judgement, righteousness and trying to push your values on to others against their will…and please Kelli I can understand how hurt you are and how you perceive it, but what you are vibrating at and feeling is NEVER going to work in your favour.

      It is an energetic impossibility for it to do so…and it can only bring people’s resistance and attacks back at you…

      You have no other option – if you want the pain to end OR to gain love and support from your boys – other than heal yourself and let go your pain on this – the ‘stuff’ outside of you that you have NO control over…

      Bring it back to ‘inwards’ Kelli rather than keeping your focus on ‘how wrong it is’ on the outside – because when you are looking ‘out’ instead of ‘in’ you are powerless to heal and feel any better. Because it is a total illusion that ANY of us have ANY power on the outside!!

      Talking responsibility to get better always means asking ourself the questions “Why did I co-create this painful experience in my life?” “What is it teaching about me that I need to heal?” “What is it about this experience, that is throttling me emotionally, that is FAMILIAR to me?” ” What is it in my past that hurt me, that I haven’t healed yet that has attracted this SIMILIAR situation into my life experience?”

      Truly Kelli – and this is the same for ALL of us who have been narcissistically abused, or suffered devastating love relationships – it is not until we heal ourself that we are able to heal relationships with people in our life that we wish to…

      The onus is always on the inner work.

      I hope this helps – because it is my greatest wish that I can…

      Mel xo

    August 25, 2012

    Whenever I read your articles, you make profound points. You force me to think and somehow make me emotionally uncomfortable too.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 25, 2012

      Hi Aman,

      thank you for your post.

      Yes – great point – our ‘ego’ (conscious mind) does get uncomfortable when challenged to drop the illusions it wants to live by!

      Mel xo

    Alette Kauka
    August 25, 2012

    It has been a huge blessing to stumble on to your site.I have been in a 20 year marriage that was,as I look back,was hell because of his narc abuse.very unfaitful reverend,attorney,musician.All about his ego!He not only insisted he was sick of my accusations after I confronted him about his most recent adulterous affair,but he insisted the whole marriage was awful.OUCH!!!It has been 8 months since he ran out the door and into the bed of his 22 years younger felon that he was helping her with her ‘legal problems” and spiritual growth.Trying to divorce him has been a nightmare,he went before the judge and lied about his financial picture.The worst is he still has a congregation that he preaches to on Sundays and most have excuses of why they still think God would be blessing his messages.Thanks so much especially for the no contact book.It has really helped.He has also thrown away 3 grandkids and a beautiful daughter that he adored ,knowing his new wife (we are still married because he hasn’t signed the papers for 2 weeks now)would not be welcome by them

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 25, 2012

      Hi Alette,

      I am so glad my material has helped – and that you got a lot out of the No Contact information…

      Your next step to have a ‘thriver’ experience coming out of this, and not just a ‘survivor’ experience’ is to go within and truly ask yourself the same questions I wrote in reply to Keli’s post.
      If you do this, and do the liberation on these, you will understand how ‘meant to be’ your experience truly was, and how you have been released to have the chance now to create yourself as a woman who deserves a monogamous, committed and real relationship.

      Because I am sure that is what you truly want one day…

      When you do the inner healing work on you and liberate yourself from the pain, your daughter and her babies will follow

      Don’t EVER try to fix them before fixing YOU! Because that never works, and will only help them stay stuck.

      Your energy (as the matriarch) is the most powerful energetic influence that can affect them on this planet.

      Don’t set up an ‘anti’ him movement, create a ‘pro’ Alette movement instead – a woman focused on her healing and liberation in order to move into a real life of joy…

      Mel xo

        August 26, 2012

        We mothers are Mariach, this is great reply.

      October 30, 2012

      Jennifer on October 30, 2012 at 6:11 pm said:
      I’m still in love with a person who was my high school sweetheart. Was lost in touch with him till a year ago.
      I’m so happy he was back in my life. But how much did I know he was lying to me all this time about wanting to be with me and will move back to the island where I am to be with me. We were seeing each other once a month till yesterday I found out he started seeing other girl and he did not tell me the truth. Yet he told me he was thinking about going to a rehab for a while due to his drinking problem. So He doesn’t think he can see me for a while till he’s done with his rehab. I felt that he was lying to me so I had to find out the truth. He is now with another girl and yet he let me believe he loves me and he wanted to settle down with me when we saw each other in June. And I was doing everything I can to be with him.
      He hurts me very much.I question myself. Am I not good enough for him? I saw this message by a chance. Sometimes, things happened for a reason. I really needed someone to talk to and I’m glad i ran into your message. Thank you very much for your time and I know you will walk out from your pain. I’m here to support you too. God bless and Please take good care

    Alette Kauka
    August 26, 2012

    I thank you for your wonderful advice.I get it!I look forward to more healing help.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 27, 2012

      Hi Alette,

      I am so glad that makes sense!

      Mel xo

      October 30, 2012

      I’m still in love with a person who was my high school sweetheart. Was lost in touch with him till a year ago.
      I’m so happy he was back in my life. But how much did I know he was lying to me all this time about wanting to be with me and will move back to the island where I am to be with me. We were seeing each other once a month till yesterday I found out he started seeing other girl and he did not tell me the truth. Yet he told me he was thinking about going to a rehab for a while due to his drinking problem. So He doesn’t think he can see me for a while till he’s done with his rehab. I felt that he was lying to me so I had to find out the truth. He is now with another girl and yet he let me believe he loves me and he wanted to settle down with me when we saw each other in June. And I was doing everything I can to be with him.
      He hurts me very much.I question myself. Am I not good enough for him? I saw this message by a chance. Sometimes, things happened for a reason. I really needed someone to talk to and I’m glad i ran into your message. Thank you very much for your time and I know you will walk out from your pain. I’m here to support you too. God bless and Please take good care

      December 19, 2012

      Happy Holidays!!! May I please ask you to help me ship my stuff back? Kawika was suppose to send it a month ago I still didn’t get it and he’s not responding to me. Please have him to ship my belongings back. I really want my laptop and My computer stuff back like he promised he would ship it. Thank you very much. Have a great happy new year!! Kawika should have my address. I’m sorry. I really don’t know what else I can do

      December 29, 2012

      Happy Holidays!!! May I please ask you to help me ship my stuff back? Kawika was suppose to send it a month ago I still didn’t get it and he’s not responding to me. Please have him to ship my belongings back. I really want my laptop and My computer stuff back like he promised he would ship it. Thank you very much. Have a great happy new year!! Kawika should have my address. I’m sorry. I really don’t know what else I can do. I don’t understand why he kept my stuff? He can’t even be a man to be honest with me. He should be man to send my belongings back. Thank you.

    August 26, 2012

    Hi Mel, I have spoken to you before and you’ve helped me tremendously. I made the biggest mistake of arguing with my ex last week. He has been pulling more to deny me of time with my 15 year old son. He hit my children when they were toddlers and emotionally abused us all. He is in total denial of any of this which I expect him to do. My 16 year old is now on anti-depressants because of his father and his inability to feel comfortable in his presence. He is refusing to see his dad at the moment and because of this my 15 year old isn’t allowed to be here with us for 10 days while my ex is home from work. My son is very unhappy. All I have told him is if he needs to txt us we’re here for him. I’m trying very hard to not get emotionally charged as I hate to think how miserable he is there. He sends me txt msgs constantly to let me know how he is feeling. I’ve just been letting him know we’re here if he needs to talk.
    I hope he can work it out and see the bad his dad is doing. I’m hope I’m doing the right thing.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 27, 2012

      Hi Carolyne,

      Yes you are doing the right thing, but as per this article – your true power in being able to assist your children is to vibrationally shift yourself – so that you can create feelings and knowings of ‘how you want them to feel’ – which is of course whole and healed.

      When you activate that within yourself – (after shifting and letting go of your pain)- which of course means healing yourself, then you will see big changes start to take place.

      Always, always start with ‘self’ because outer changes can never occur any other way.

      I hope this helps!

      Mel xo

        August 27, 2012

        Thanks Mel,
        Yes I am trying to do this. I’m working on healing myself. It is hard some days but I am making an effort to work on it.

        My son ran away from his dad’s this morning and my son contacted me to come and pick him up. My ex husband got very angry with me and I tried so hard not to react it was hard. It is definitely a work in progress but I am getting there.

        Thank you so much for your advice. It definitely helps.

    August 26, 2012

    Oh How I wish I had Melanie T. Evans in my life years ago.

    Grateful to have you now.

    I will be again visiting my daughter and her boyfriend who is a Narc. In previous visits I found myself pulled to criticize my daughter.
    It is a behavior practice in my family too, especially my mother. I apologized to my daughter.

    If I have to write note cards, whatever it takes, to protect myself to Be the Mum I want to BE, I will do it.

    I been asking my daughter to listen to some of Melanie’s audios..and she resists
    I guess I am prescribing.
    I will talk to my daughter about this and
    stop pressuring her.

    Thank You for this audio.
    You are a soul savior.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 27, 2012

      Hi Lucita,

      It’s really important to realise that everything we have been through – truly we were meant to!

      It is always in perfect and divine order no matter what it looks like

      You are so welcome! Yes, instead of prescribing, start seeing and feeling your daughter getting well and claiming and stepping into her wisdom and True Self.

      Then she will – and the great thing is you didn’t have to exercise any angst in order to try to make that happen!

      Mel xo

        Valerie Palmer
        May 20, 2017

        IT IS ALWAYS IN PERFECT AND DIVINE ORDER NO MATTER WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!!!!! Oh Mel, thank you so much. My sons are nearly 48 and 50! I have done so much work on myself over the years since I left their father in 1980 after 14 years of marriage, after the death of my youngest boy. My husband did not show any empathy and lacked emotions on many things. I I have been a very dysfunctional Mum but I did the best I could with what I had back then me It would appear that my Mum was mentally ill because MY FATHER WAS A MARC!! Is it possible that both were? Some of the things I read in your blogs are what my Mother said about my Father. I am somewhat confused. Nevertheless since taking your workshop early May 2017 I have indeed felt a shift!! 🙂 In my healing journey the past 3 years I saw clearly that my eldest boy nearly 50, emulates his father, who believe it or not has been married to another woman for 27 years. He lies, cheats and is violent, threatening me physically and caused much physical harm to a previous girlfriend. You will realize just how long my journey has been. It is my grandchildren that concern me as my daughter in law is co dependent and does not realize that my son is a narc. I am working hard to make more shifts and understand very clearly what i must do. It means not seeing my son. Since they live in Melbourne and I live in Canada I only was seeing them once a year. It is the effect on the grandchildren and what he is doing, using them to boost his ego that is devastating! Your blogs, videos are ALWAYS timely and I bless you so very much. regards Valerie

    August 26, 2012

    Thank you for transcript of audio lecture.
    Having audio and written form helps reach
    deep into those blueprints of my own Narc
    characteristics and behavior…yikes

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    August 27, 2012

    Again you are so welcome Lucita, and I am really glad that the two formats have helped so much.

    So true that all of us, until we find our True Self, have been ‘controlling’ – and that was simply because we did not understand our true inner power and ability to create from that level…
    Mel xo

    August 27, 2012

    Hi Mel,

    I struggle with picking the right things to say when my children repeat negative statements their n.d says to them on visits. Do you have any suggestions on appropriate replies?
    Many thanks

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 28, 2012

      Hi Rhona,

      The best thing you can do really is to not acknowledge these comments, don’t give them focus and energy. Be yourself, and move on – without trying to combat these statements.

      When ‘something’ receives no energy it does die out – including these comments…

      I hope this helps..

      Mel xo

    August 28, 2012

    Hi Mel

    I read this article only the other day. As you know my children have been deeply affected by the abuse from their father and my co-dependency at the time. To cut a very long story short, my eldest son has turned to gambling to cope with his emotions and my daughter has attempted suicide earlier in the year. My youngest son, still lives with his father and hides himself away in his bedroom most of the time and shuts himself away emotionally.

    I read your article and especially in relation to number 1, began to have a different mindset for myself and how I felt about my children (massively disappointed for myself and carrying a lot of guilt for my part in their abuse). I began to imagine them making good choices in their lives, getting stronger in emotional wellbeing, and living a happy life now, being content and not fighting with the world. I send daily messages of love to them, have stopped questioning and judging them, and all thoughts and words are now positive ones.

    Already I can feel a difference in them, they are ringing me up/messaging me to tell me of the positive things now happening in their lives. My eldest son has come up with a plan all by himself! to curb the gambling, is doing extremely well at his work. Two weeks ago he was reaching rock bottom in life, the gambling was out of control, taking over and he couldn’t get out of bed to go to work. My daughter is getting stronger each day, her mental state is changing and she is seeing life now with different eyes. She is making plans for HER future, not what everyone else wants her to do. She’s cleaning up her debts and is now attracting new, healthier friends. My youngest son is getting out of his bedroom more and is looking for work.

    I wish I could explain more how different it all looks and feels for me and them, just by following your advice. You had explained about bringing them up into my vibration before but I was not sure HOW to do that. Thankyou from the bottom of my heart Mel, you have helped me so much. Much love Sandra x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 28, 2012

      Hi Sandra,

      it is lovely to hear from you – and I am so pleased you are getting clear and solid on how to get vibrationally aligned for your children – and absolutely it is so important to not be vibrating with feelings of guilt…Boy did I know this one!

      You absolutely Sandra will vibrate them up into their true power – I so know that…

      Keep it up my love!

      Mel xo

    August 28, 2012

    This is incredible timing! I am going through a bitter custody battle purely because I see the emotional destruction of my 7 year old when she visits her father on a week-about arrangement (which I was bullied into!). The sad thing is that it is not only me who sees these negative changes in our daughter – her teacher, other staff members at school and exrra-curricular activities, family friends and family members – yet he is totally oblivious to it all. He told me he was going bankrupt (due to his many debts from credit cards, repossessed cars, etc) but this has not happened. At the moment the opposite is occurring. My ex-husband had an affair towards the end of our marriage. He started this relationship with a woman who is a partner in an accounting firm. She has money – guess who is bailing him out??? Now my daughter comes home telling me of the new furniture in her room, all the new toys and clothes that she gets, etc; funnily enough, I had a call from her school that her school fees hadnt been paid, and yes, you guessed it – he wanted to take total responsibility for the school fees. I feel this is his way of getting back at me because I want to change our current arrangement.

    To top it off, the weeks that my daughter is with him she constantly tells me that she feels invisible at his house and that all the attention is placed on the new girlfriend and her children. My daughter arrives late for school 90% of the time with him and either is late for her extra-curricular activities or misses them completely. This makes her very anxious; and again he is oblivious.

    I have 3 children from my first marriage (this was my second). I was married to this man for 10 years, so he had the last 10 years with my older 3. You guessed it – he has totally dismissed these kids. To be honest, they dont care too much about him either as they are old enough to see how poorly he treated me and the abuse I received over the years; but to him people are disposable.

    When it comes to work, he changes jobs quite frequently. Strangely we never really knew what his jobs were; but always dealt with money and ecomonic development, yet ironically he could not manage his own financial affairs. This too had a bearing on the kids as I was constantly bailing this man out of everything and therefore denying the kids of so much at the same time. I think back to the last 10 years and I am ashamed. I am a great mum, but I allowed him to deny me being the mum I always wanted to be. I am trying hard to make up for that now.

    I feel sadness for the girlfriend’s children, as I know one day they too will be in the same shoes as my older 3 and if they have a child that child will eventually be in the same place as my youngest daughter – the cycle continues. Do you know why I know this? He was married before me and had a child to his first wife – she fought tooth and nail for complete custody of their child and eventually won. Now he hardly sees his daughter – she has more contact with me and my children compared to him. Sad.

    These Narcs will never see the error of their ways and the blame will always be put onto their feeder source; but all you have to do is know that once you are removed from the situation and the fog clears you will find the strength to come out of it all bigger and better – I never thought I would have the strength to fight this man like I am currently doing. It is not to get back at him – it is to make sure that my daughter grows up happy, healthy and secure in herself. Pure and simple.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 19, 2012

      Hi Bettina,

      thank you for your post.

      As per your post I can see that you do have a lot of energy invested in ‘what is wrong’ with what the narcs are doing.

      This is perfectly understandable, but truly it is not helping your situation. As per this article let go of that, in regard to your situation and the girlfriend’s and focus on ‘what you do want’ to occur…and work hard at that.

      Fighting narcs doesn’t work – they just push back harder. Shifting our emotional focus is the true solution, and it DOES work…

      Please try that.

      Mel xo

    August 28, 2012

    Thanks for the article. I have adult children involved in family business that is failing. I work there as well, trying to hold on.

    Husband continues to sneak over to his young lovers during the work day – he thinks I don’t know.

    I am desparate to separate but family is in precarious position – one adult child living at home with CFS – cannot afford to live alone. One adult child with alcoholism – dui’s prevent driving and thus work, also diagnosed with prostrate cancer. Cannot support himself.

    One daughter and husband with new baby moved home because of finances. House is in foreclosure, husband filed bankruptcy – my retirement is the only constant income which feeds the family. Obviously no house payment is being made.

    Husband got involved in Africa money scheme and sent all working capitol and mortgaged everything for promises of money that never comes. Only requests for more fees and taxes.

    Counselor says narcs don’t see things realistically, that they are so superior no one would lie to them. Well, these folks in Africa have ruined him but he is not giving up his lady.

    I want to leave for myself.

    Melanie, you say I need to heal myself and send the vibrations of power and security to my son, I cannot leave right now because of finances, really. If there were no children involved I would be long gone.

    I am torn about what is the best thing to do.

    My thought is to hang on until house is taken away and then move to my own place. At least I am not having to pay to live here but would if I leave on my own.

    I am lucky children are adult, no custody issues and I do not doubt their love for me no matter what happens. He is telling them I am wacko because I know about his lover which he denies denies denies and says I am the one with the problem.

    I feel so much empathy for the ladies here who are suffering and send prayers.

    Thank you for your site, you saved my life.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 19, 2012

      Hi Kathleen,

      yes your position is difficult, but the solution is always the same.

      Work hard to get your emotional feelings off ‘what is’ that is hurting, frustrating and binding you. Work at focusing emotionally on ‘what you do want’ – because when you get into that state, and stop trying to make him accountable – and focus on feeling forward and into ‘what you want’ doors will open, possibilities will show up – and the way will appear…

      Truly because the Universe cannot and does not operate under any other system.

      And no matter how ‘limited’ you believe you are – LIFE does not see you that way – because the truth is you are connected to all the permutations and endless possibilities of ‘life’ in your life experience.

      You just need to vibrationally open yourself up to feeling and knowing ‘there is a way’ instead of ‘there is no way’…

      Then you will see what I’m opening you up to.

      Mel xo

    August 28, 2012

    We are in a terribly difficult situation. Myhusbands daughter is 11 and wants to live with us. We have been together since she was 2 and are very close. I have older children who the daughter adores and vicversa. We have a very happy, loving, secure home where my husbands daughter flourishes, however the minute she goes back to her mother who is absoloutely a narcissist, she becomes a child with no confidence. She wants to live with us so much but without her voice we have nothing. We are finding this so frustrating as her mother doesn’t protect or defend her own daughter in a bullying issue as well. She doesn’t believe the daughter wants to live with us. What do we do and how do we cope with this situation? We are angry, frustrated and feel so betrayed by the system which doesn’t enable the daughter to have a voice.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 19, 2012

      Hi Susan,

      As per the article what you need to do is let go of the frustration and things that are out of your control.

      When you both start feeling the situation as different (as the experience you DO want) and stop ‘expecting’ her to be a certain way when she returns from her mother’s place – then you will have a different experience.

      Did you think I would give you a practical suggestion?

      You true solution is emotional – it is within.

      Mel xo

    Relationships help
    August 29, 2012

    This is a thought provoking article, Melanie. I think that it is very easy for some ex partners to target the children.
    This is probably the worst thing for any parent to feel, as it seems as though they have done something wrong and haven’t protected their child well enough.
    To get through this it is definitely worth getting some relationships help and reading blogs like this one.

    September 18, 2012

    I must say that I have not read all the articles, but in what I have scanned I do not see anything about adult children of an extreme narcissist. I am 53 and happily married for over 30 years. I have six children. My father is every bit a narcissist and created hell in our family, but no one knew what to call it because to everyone else he was “such a great guy”. My parents divorced when I was 16. About 8 years ago, from my own sense of being fed up with his antics, I sent him a letter ordering him to have no contact with me or my children. He continues to bend the lines, usually in public when I have few options. My children have had very little contact with him, and do not want contact with him, but they still do not understand how dangerous it is to interact with him. They will let him in the door if he shows up at their homes. He is growing old and desperate to acquire supply. Just this week he drove across the country to torment my sister in person. He is pretty desperate and I am concerned. I don’t know how to stop him because he always stays on the right side of the law. I feel that I and my children are in danger. To be clear, I have no feelings for this person at all, I just want him safely away from us. What can I do??

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 19, 2012

      Hi Nina,

      This article relates to any situation with children affected by narcs regardless of age.

      And truly this article about our children is really about US – because everything comes from US.

      Nina you have no ability to control the people outside of you or, in reality to protect them from their father.

      You can only be responsible for your own boundaries, and not the boundaries of others….this is their deal to create.

      And when you let go and start seeing, trusting and believing that they will work out WHAT is best for them, and that they have their own ability to heal, create boundaries and thrive – then that is exactly what you will attract and co-create in your life experience with them.

      From your own point of view if you don’t want contact with your ex – and you have grounds then put an intervention order on him in regard to him contacting you.

      Leave others choices (they are adults) up to them.

      Have faith that others will work out what is best for them – and they will.

      Mel xo

    September 25, 2012

    Thank you for this article – I would like to ask you for some advice –

    I am doing my best not to let my son see how damaged i am but i know I am far from being who i was or can be again.

    I am still spiralling downwards because of the financial strain i am under due to his actions ( aside from the emotional abuse he took all of my savings, and made sure I ended up with nothing after the divorce – I am in a country where there is no alimony – and I am isolated from anyone who might have been a support system ( my friends back home) I can not leave with my son because this country has extradition policies with the USA – and he has put an order out against me taking my son – the child support only covers the child) I have been unable to find a job (if I do find one he quickly finds a way to make me lose it – basically if i find a job i have it for as long as he hasnt found out – but he still keep tabs on me and he has people always telling him things about me) I am depressed because we have been divorced for 5 years now – and he still controls aspects of my life – When he remarried I thought he’d finally leave me alone but he doesnt – he also is “above the law’ here – he doesnt follow visitiation ( which would be fine for me if i could find another way to have some time for myself – time to heal ) he only began paying child support 2 years after the divorce ( so I am still in financial debt ) – I feel like I am treading sewer water on a daily basis – everytime I try to take a step forward I find myself dragged back. I can not continue this holding pattern of existance I lead. I am losing faith, and I am suffering from PTSD ( I havent been able to find help – I;ve tried on a few occassions but I do not have money and the public assistance here thinks that PTSD is only something military gets – I have had therapists tell me I am just a lazy ungreatful b**** because my X is someone I should have bent over backwards to stay with…that I am the loser he was dragged down with – this from so called professionals. It took me years to find a way out that wouldnt have left me a corpse somewhere, years where I was sleeping with the enemy – but I found a way out of that – now I need help finding a way out of this .

    – and yes I am scared that my son is showing narc tendancies in regard to me and while i put my foot down I am worried becasue he has no one else to emulate and i fear that i am not a good parental model given that I am barely dragging breath on a daily basis ( I am also physically unhealthy – weight, fybro, dibilitating allergies and sinuses, back issues and then all the emotional stuff.

    Please I do not know what to do

    Somewhere inside me is a vibrant person – one that loved to travel, loved adventure, ( I left home at an early age and made my own way, worked my butt off, graduated college, worked in a filed i loved – I was fiercely independent – 17 years of abuse has squashed this out of me and I miss me. Isolation from everyone, a foreign country, no support – my grip is slipping.

    Please give me some advice, a direction i havent tried, something that will help me get a foothold and pull myself out of this.

    Please. I don’t want this for me or my son – I never ever want him to look back and hate me for being weak and not respect me for not having gotten through this.


  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    September 26, 2012

    Hi Elisa,

    it is really important that you work on you to get well – and that you ‘shift’ out of the pain and the state that you are in now.

    I can’t recommend Q F Healing enough to assist you to do that.

    There are two options – either get yourself on the NARP Program, and if you can’t afford to do the $20.00 a month then please use this radio show as your basis, as many others have been able to successfully do.

    I can grant you the tool, but you have to do the work – and you have to DO IT even when it is the last thing you feel like doing – and relief and starting to get better is not going to happen until you get moving on the inner work.

    Mel xo

    October 1, 2012

    Hi Mel this is great advice and it’s helped me understand what my g/friend is going through with her 3 children (13,10,8) and her ex-narc husband. He’s pulled every trick in the book to groom and manipulate their children. I’ve been in tears over some of the things her 2 eldest children have said/done to her. My friend (also a teacher) handles it very well and I know she’s getting a little stronger every day. I sent her a link to your wonderful site so she will be reading it now that the school holidays are here… many thanks.

    February 13, 2013

    Well, I’m up again at 4:00am nursing my littlest angel (with a non narc dad – what a difference THAT is). I could’ve rolled over and gone back to sleep, but i decided that i needed to spend this quiet dark time doing some MTE work. My way is JUST NOT WORKING!
    i found myself reading your
    “How To Help Your Children Who Are Affected By Narcissists”
    ( ). This is by far one of my biggest FEARS ever. Having been taken through the juvenile court system charged with FAILURE TO PROTECT my children from the abuse of our Narc (charges later dropped), protecting these little ones has been SHOCKED into my system to the point where it is problematic to “release” that and allow them to have this journey with their Narc father.
    I have been really a difficult (over bearing and controlling) parent for my kids through all this court process. I will be rereading this again, perhaps daily until it sinks in. A fundamental part of my problem is that I did not have healthy parents as role models either so I fall into all the traps of inexperienced parents.
    I *must* learn to LET GO and simply exist in the positive state of being in which I was born to thrive. My children deserve a healthy parent; LOVING, NURTURING, CARING, ACCEPTING. I have always felt they were gifts from my God Source – ALWAYS! As a codependent, it is advised to refrain from seeking my identity through my children’s existence. I will find myself in all of this, but I can of ignore the fact that my children’s existence is by far the reason I seek to better myself. I am a mother. I am charged with a small universe and it is a tremendous responsibility I accept. I love it!
    Having read the entire article, I found myself at your suggestion to Helen to review “Manifesting Love and Life: Goals, Dreams and Your Identity” ( ). I will be making time for this! This is very necessary for me to do and probably repeat. I couldn’t go through with the exercise because I did not have the uninterrupted time available this morning. I have often been curious about past lives. I’ve been told I have an old soul/wise beyond my years. I’m overly curious to find out if I have repeat issues to contend with – perhaps CODEPENDENCY?!??
    As I continue doing the best I can with MTE & NARP, I look forward to my up coming relocation. My earthly flesh is resistant to this massive inconvenience, but my spirit is screaming with excitement (if that makes any sense). I look forward to a new fresh existence elsewhere while at the same time, I still struggle with mourning “what could’ve been” here.
    Until next time! <3


    February 15, 2013

    Thank you, Melanie! You are a Godsend with your expertise and empathy in this area. What you said resonates deeply with me, and I will definitely change the way I’m dealing with the situation between my ex and my children, and how I’m dealing with the situation with my children. Thanks for practical steps combined with deeply spiritual reasons which resonates with ”truth”. Love to you, XXXX Lisa

    February 24, 2013

    I was married to a narcissist. Our divorce was final almost 2 years ago. Yet here I am again tangled in his web. But, this time I have an attorney who at least knows who and what he is and is willing to hang tough with me. This article has hit me square in the face. Thank you so much for publishing. Everything you have said is true and I will take to heart the advice you have given here. I thought I was going to be done with him after the divorce…LOL!!



    March 1, 2013

    I couldn’t sleep tonight because of the events of the day, so I thought I search for some answers. Melanie, your advice is awesome. I can to the same realization, but it took me 20+ years to see the event unfold. You see, my exhusband left me and my two kids 20 years ago when my daughter was 2 and son 6mos. After decades of drama, chaos and strife I have come to understand that my ex is truly a textbook narcissist. My daughter developed a (diagnosed) co-dependent relationship with her dad and my son is totally alienated from me due to some story that my ex invented that I cant defend against, since no one will tell me what it is! I have not had contact with my son in 2.5 years and am heartbroken. Thank God, 15 years ago I remarried to a wonderful man and have one more child still at home and this keeps me sane and busy. In the last few months, I have seen the situation in a different light. I cant explain it but I decided to trust in God in a deeper way and Melanie, as you recommend here, practiced visualization of love for my older two children. Today, I was shocked to learn that my ex (he remarried 9 years ago) left his second wife the exact same way he left me and had not left any contact info with her or with my kids. My daughter is devastated. She tells me my son is confused. Again, my heart breaks for them. I have remained strong and consistent over the last decade – it did take me some time to understand NOT to fight back with my NPD ex – so I hope this will help the kids. I have read article that explained that the person with NPD will eventually leave everyone and I always suspected that this day would come – someday and that I would be happy. Someday is here and I am not happy. I just want to help my kids to grow up and through this.

    March 22, 2013

    thank you very much for this article..finally, i have been asking the question of how to cope with a passive aggressive narcisistic ex in relation to the children, as the children have been used as pawns to hurt me…..and with the confusion of being in this type of relationship and not knowing until one day it all hit me like a ton of bricks….i had no clue how to find the light in the maze that i was placed in, walking on egg shells and him using everyone he could to make me be seen as the problem. Finally i have some advise that i can understand and that makes sense when dealing with such a person who cares only for himself…yet has the perfect image out there and no one knows what he is truly capable of doing. thanks again….all i have been asking is how do i help the children cope with being pawns and being subject to his narcissistic behaviours…..even though he has never been formally diagnosed as a narcissist, one example after another can be given to support this claim….thanks again….if you have any more advise on how to deal with such a person and how to help the children so they are not used, abused themselves, please let me know as the more i can educate myself and feel confident and less afraid the better…..

    April 1, 2013

    I was with the ‘not ex enough’ for 20 years. The abuse started 2 years in when he would say that if I didn’t behave ie do everything his way he and his mother would take me to court, have me labelled a bad mother and have our daughter taken from me. I learned to keep quiet and vowed to keep a roof over our heads. When our son was born he said the same things. Two years ago he started emotionally attacks on me which felt like he had

    May 5, 2013

    Hi Mel, thank you for your article, even though I have read it before I could not take it in. I had to deal with myself and what the Narc’s abuse had done to me. It has taken 12 months to this point, just to come to terms with your information. My relationship has been over 25 years. I am very committed to my healing. And I feel I had to take care of myself before I even thought about my children.I was in such a low place. It has been so painful to experience the betrayal of my husband as well as my children and the fact that they can not judge for themselves and believe what their faither feeds them.
    I had been on defence mode for so long it is a challenge to make new psychological pathways and release the memories of being in the way of constant attacks, criticised , blamed, etc.
    I am finding this last step difficult. Releasing my children.
    Any other easy way of doing this, love some advice Melanie?

    September 26, 2013

    Hi, I am 52 and the daughter of a narcissistic mother. I have no contact with her now. I have no self confidence and it has taken me years to understand just what the problem was with her.

    As part of rebuilding my self esteem, I started my degree at the age of 50, after being told as a child by my mother, I most certainly was not clever! I am now writing my dissertation on narcissism and child abuse. In England, many people do not recognise narcissism as a problem or even understand what narcissism is. I hope through study to highlight the terrible abuse children have to endure through parents who are narcissistic. I would be grateful for any advice on articles or books I could read to help me with my research.

      August 1, 2016

      Hi Donna,

      I just want to write that I understand exactly what you went through as a child and I felt the pain you did. My father had narcissistic personality disorder and at age ten I knew something wasn’t right about him but I didn’t know what it was until age 41 when I read the 20 traits of narcissistic personality disorder. It fit him perfectly. I was told that I would never amount to anything and I was programming myself for failure. My father often talked to me in the third person like “that child ……. I grew up with no confidence and little self esteem. It greatly affects the adult life. My brother who committed suicide was the golden child and I was the scapegoat. Although the pain of remembering never leaves I find that praying to God and Jesus helps bring a little peace. I am slowly trying to find peace in my life but I don’t think I will ever be able to forgive my father. I wish for you peace also.

    October 12, 2013

    I was married to a narc for 3.5 years and had 1 son with him. when I met him I thought I was the luckiest woman in the world. Now if I could have 1 do over I think he would be it. I raised my son for the last 14 years on my own pretty much except every other weekend. My ex asked for more time over the summer and I complied with 50% and our son’s behavior just got worse toward me. I realized to late that my ex was using this time to brainwash him. I attempted to get him counseling and my ex would not consent to it. Now he just got custody of him last week. The judge was so hostile toward me. Gave him custody for no reason other than he is 16 and wants to live with his dad despite my concerns about ex alienating him from me and his behavior. He bought him a car on the court day for doing such a good job. Ex is on his 7th marriage and adopted her kids from her previous marriage while not paying for his own. $36k in arrears on the child support. It is heartbreaking to see my son adopting my ex traits and turn on me. Now he does not want to see me and is so disrespectful to me. He does not return my texts and when he does it is because he wants something and if he does not get it he says that he will not see me. I will not give him the upper hand and do what he says, I just continue to set boundaries. I told him I love him but I am letting him go and told him to call me if he needs me. Not sure what else to do. I pray that he will see the truth and have the courage to come home soon. Very sad. Any words of wisdom and advise would be appreciated. Thank you Melanie

    June 29, 2014

    Today, I went to the beach front with my children.
    I found a sea shell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.” She placed the shell
    to her ear and screamed. There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched
    her ear. She never wants to go back! LoL I know this is totally off topic but
    I had to tell someone!

    Curtis Smith
    August 30, 2014

    Hi Melanie,
    Thank you for your website and information on NPD. I am married to a person with Stealth covert NPD. I have known her since I was 12 in school and had a crush on her in the 8th grade, we got reacquainted at our 20 year reunion, got married, and immediately had a child bought a house traveled a lot etc. My wife would tell me about the physical psychological and emotional abuse she used to get from her mom, who is the classic definition of covert NPD, which at the time was not aware of. At the time my wife wanted to get away from her so we moved away, but her mom had such a grip on her that she would talk on the phone no less than 6 times a day etc. 5 years into our marriage and when my daughter was getting ready for kindergarten, my wife suddenly and unexpectedly packed up and took my daughter to go live with her mother 200 miles away. It confused me because our relationship was so good up to that point. Our goal was always to move closer to her mom but not with her mom, so when she left me for that I was very concerned about the abuse to my daughter in a number of ways by my mother n law.
    Our goal so I thought at the time was to find a place up there, however the cost of living is extremely high (its where the Neverland ranch is, Michael Jackson’s old neighborhood…so it is very difficult to find a place, however when I would come across a place I was always given an excuse of why it was not good enough. Finally I realized that I was being led by the nose and she was not interested in finding a place and I had spent all of my savings in gas to come up there to see my daughter and wife to a point where I can not make that trip anymore. She also does not allow my daughter to come home.
    Four years has passed by and I am now only realizing that my wife is also dealing with covert NPD since she was programmed as a child to be the way her mom is. When we are together her Narcissistic traits come out very heavily, but she does not realize her mom is one as well, she just deals with her.
    My daughter in the beginning was very upset with having to leave her home where I am now, but is now used to living in the area. She had secretly made an audio recording of my mother n law belittling me and my wife and saying we should get divorced, etc. where my daughter defends us as a family, but I am afraid that she is being slowly warn down and abused by two narcissists. In your article above it says that not living together is better for the child as long as I show some sort of loving support and not get angry about the situation, and I must admit that it does work when I go along with it. On the other hand I never get to see my daughter and that is not right either. I have already confronted my mother n law with her actions coming short of calling her out as a covert NPD but I still believe my daughter is being psychologically and emotionally abused by the NPD twins.
    My question is, could this be considered a case of child abuse and I can do something legally about it or is it worth it?
    Thank you for reading, I hope to get a spot on your webinar next week 🙂

    Claire Barton
    October 2, 2014

    Dear Melanie, my eldest daughter is a narcissist and has caused tremendous pain to both myself and other family members (we have two grandchildren who we cannot see). I would like to study your recovery course but haven’t the technology to utilise it, nor am I likely to be able to afford it during the immediate future. Is there anything else that I can buy from you that will help both myself and my family recover – DVD’S etc. I would be very grateful for a reply. It feels as though I desperately need a lifeline – a way foward, and though therapy is helpful in some ways your recovery plan seems to go a step further. I am happy to pay, I just need it in a format I can use.

    Many Thanks for your help and keep up the good work,


    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 5, 2014

      Hi Claire,

      I am so sorry you have been going through this heart-break and that you have been alienated from your grandchildren.

      Claire, truly, the real work in order to detoxify the agony of narcissistic abuse is NARP. Because the Quanta Freedom Healings are the tool to shift it.

      I have a very creative support team who can grant you suggestions on how to download the MP3s or how a family member could do these for you to use on any device such as your phone.

      The payment plans makes NARP affordable – affordable for nearly anyone’s budget.

      If you email and explain your technology situation you will receive solutions.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

    F N
    October 16, 2014

    My parents and brother slandered me to my friends, relatives, wife, kids so much for so many years. First it was my love and respect for them that kept me quiet. I was searching for answers all my life, especially why i got beaten so much my whole life, even when i was an adult in my forties, and in front of my wife and kids!

    When i saw my kids psychologically disturbed i started speaking out. My problems are far from over!

    Hopeful Dad
    February 18, 2015

    I have spend hours searching and trying to figure out what “name” to the circumstance my kids and ex wife are and this answers my question. Although her ways arent physically damaging the level of stress inflicted in my kids and myself is beyond normal. I have been seeking whether if their is legal actions or what can I do to avoid this along with the denial of seeing my kids per our court order. It is mentally and emotionally draining to feel as if I have to justify myself and actions to my kids since there repeatedly told I dont care or love them. Will not deny the fact that at times I think my kids when with me pretend to really love me. As my efforts to be more present in their lives it always seems to make things worse and the ability for my ex to flip things is beyond amazing. I will put into action the tips you give here because this isnt right for my kids development or my stress levels.

    March 21, 2015

    I’m a person who has invested my very livelihood on the psychological effects of personal energy and how momentously influential those attitudes are on the direct outcome of any given situation. In fact, I am currently getting my business degree to implement a nonprofit business model that focuses on improving the emotional foundation of struggling families by implementing progressive approaches to transforming negative energy into positive, which in turn will drastically improve the situation at hand. Although as someone who is educated myself on these matters and is also naturally prone to being able to recognize the psychological needs of any given situation, I will be the first to say that although your advice maybe exactly what somebody “wants” to hear, it is absolutely not what they need to hear. It is very easy for somebody outside of the situation to say that it’s as simple as changing your attitude, however and less you have lived a day and that person shoes it’s probably extremely easy to take that approach. When it’s your child in being abused by a mentally troubled individual who unfortunately the child has to call mom or dad, it is much more difficult to take such a unemotional approach. Isn’t it true that the most fundamental aspect of being human is the ability to emotionally rationalize. This can be both a blessing as well as a curse as when it comes to our own family members it is the very reason that evolution only we have been made different than any other animal species as we have emotional connections to our children to not only instinctually protect their lives but also be promoters of welfare in every aspect of their upbringing to include their emotional well-being. When considering this fat how can somebody who claims to be educated on the matter honestly have the opinion that a parent would be able to so easily on attach from such an emotional and rightfully so situation? It goes against our very human instincts to allow somebody especially the parent of the child to abuse our children on such a drastic any motional level, so as much as it would probably be easiest to detach and be able to positively visualize, I have spoken and had extreme contact with fathers who have been placed in a situation where even the courts do not i’ll forward them a level of respect which they deserve and the mothers are allowed to get away with forms of psychological abuse to their own children that should never be overlooked but even Americas legal system has unfortunately misunderstood the situations and only the child suffers because of that. So why ask any parent who reads this article how they could ever live with themselves if this happened, and although what we may like to do is positively visualize the situation, the reality of the situation after years of custody battles and court, maybe come discouraging to anybody and we cannot sit and stand by while our children continue to be psychologically abused by their very own parents and not have an emotional investment in. Such. Therefore I ask whoever is the author of this article to seriously consider that although it may be easy for you to view things from a third party perspective and understand that by taking that perspective it may be easy to be unemotional and view things positively, for the people that are actually going through the scenarios that may not be possible and therefore your advice is not only invalid but is also a responsible. Anybody who has experience with these court situations would know that despite the best efforts of the parent that is trying to do what’s best for the child and some scenarios that is almost impossible due to a severely mentally troubled parent trying to take out their revenge on their ex partner via a child. When accusations regarding sexual or physical assault occur, despite whether they are chew allegations or not, the court changes their perspective. Unfortunately fathers end up being an easy target for spiteful mothers and that is why I am here to give all of you parents who read this and wonder why you can’t just forget the past and move on with a positive attitude not to doubt yourself because whoever wrote this obviously has never been forced to deal with such a challenging situation. The first and foremost point that was trying to be made by this author was that you should have self-confidence. Therefore you would think they would have the intelligence to recognize that people in these situations these dire situations that affect their child’s mental health would most likely be something you cannot emotionally detach from and think God for that. The child is lucky to have A parent invested enough in their well-being that they put that child’s psychological welfare in front of their own and continue to do everything they can to ensure the child has a fighting chance at life. To anybody who suggests that merely having a more positive attitude can affect the outcome of the situations shame on you you Bobby Flay not been in this position and I would ask you to seriously reconsider you’re on informed decision.

      March 21, 2015

      Although we may all like to have wishful thinking, I’m a person who sustains my very livelihood upon creating positive energy fields surrounding negative situations. I have spent almost 2 decades being successful in this field. That is why I find it offensive that somebody claiming to have any knowledge on the subject would have the nerve to suggest that nearly handling something “within yourself” will change her situation. I have studied extensively the mentality that I believe you are trying to communicate, however the way you have done so indicates that you may be of the opinion that merely thinking positively about a situation can actually affect the outcome. This is a responsible as a professional in a field that I would assume is similar to yours, I would ask that you give a little bit more consideration as to how you communicate your beliefs. Because there are many situations where you can visualize things as positively as you want but it will not change the outcome and less you take measures to implement those openings and beliefs. Especially when it comes to children, most often in these cases the legal system is involved. This requires us as parents to be responsible for being in vault far more extensively than simply thinking positively about the situation. As much as I wish what you are communicating to these people in desperate need of hope is true I unfortunately know that most often this is not the case and is unfair of you to be giving advice that and not so many words indicates that if people would just think more positively everything will be fine. this is not only a responsible but maybe detrimentally affect the children involved in the situations. And not only that, but what happens to the parents who have been fighting for the very lives of the children at stake I have taken so much abuse from their ex partner and simply cannot visualize something positively enough. You are suggesting that in someway if the situation does not improve, it is indirectly because the parent who has their child’s best interest in mind did not visualize something positively enough. How does this promote self confidence on the end of the parent who is actually trying to do the right thing? The advice you’re giving, while I understand the end result you are trying to accomplish, I very much disagree with your methods and think it is a responsible for you to suggest that if you just think about something positively enough it’ll work itself out. You may want to be a little more thorough and your explanation.

    September 9, 2015

    i want to say thank you to the source of my happiness Dr.Lawrence I want to say a very big thanks and appreciation to Dr.Lawrence for casting a love spell that brought back my ex boyfriend in two days what will i have done if not for you DR PAUL am really grateful for all your help once again thank you very much email Drlawrencespelltrmple@hotmail. com

    September 10, 2015

    Hi there,

    Im still going through a divorce (2 years seperated, divorce 9 months). Ive been told by my daughters (13) phycologist that we are dealing with a narcisist farther. This makes me feel helpless as she is in that mode of “filling the gab”. Being a teenager we argue alot even though she understands that the divorce is the right thing to do. I am constantly busy to find out more but need immediate advice how to lift my daughter and for her to be distracted by being a teenager at this stage of her life. I need anything to hold on to to keep her safe and let her go on with her own life.

    October 11, 2015

    My narc ex husband has taken my 14 year old daughter and 16 year old son away from me, he has convinced them to lie to social services, the police and courts telling everyone and anyone that will listen that i abuse them physically ! I have had no contact whatsoever with my two children for over 5 weeks and i am dying inside. I have a court case to attend on 14th october and a final decision will be made on 11th november, but he has managed so far to convince everyone that i abused him and got them to say i abused them – i have never so much as raised a finger to my children, its all lies, he has brainwashed them. I am broken inside without my children i have already lost thousands of pounds trying to get them back and will end up with so little money i wont be able to buy myself a house (i already sold my current house to pay for the custody battle) i am finding it really hard to cope without my babies, not just for my own sake but for theirs.

    December 8, 2015

    Call or Text Robinsonbuckler on phone at 1 971-512-TALK (6745) he will solve your relationship problem and bring back your lover in 3 days..

    December 10, 2015

    Hello. And help! My situation is – the child is not mine, legally, he is my Partner’s. But I have parented him since he was a toddler. I have been trying to stay to keep being there for the child and to keep his family together. I feel I can’t leave as then I couldn’t look out for the child or have any contact with him. This child has two narcissistic biological parents – and believe me it took a long time to work this out. For years I supported my partner from abuse from the child’s Mother (and towards me as well). The usual threats to stop access, false accusations, all sorts. They were never married – just dated for about 6 weeks and some months later she said she was pregnant. We worked out it almost certainly is his and he was an involved Dad from day one. He likes being a Father and having a son, but has recently started being very negative and critical towards the child (and not just me as before). The child’s Mother is verbally abusive and uses harsh discipline, but never quite breaks the law and nothing can be proved. The child is scared of her – tells us but is scared his Mum will find out. My partner dismisses everything and says child can cope. Dismisses everything full stop!

    I worked out some time ago that child’s Mother was a narcissist. Blatantly so. And many people are scared of her! I used to think things like ‘selfish’ ‘delusions of grandeur’ (will only do very expensive things even when no money). Her husband committed suicide. I ignored the gossips and felt sorry for her. She tried to pair me off with her ‘ex’ (my current Partner). Eventually we did get together and then she tried to split us up. That is all history and they co parent amicably but at a distance with very little contact. Somehow my Partner seemed like the kind normal one. For the first year I wasn’t allowed contact with the child – Mum wouldn’t agree. We started doing it anyway and dealt with the fallout and things settled down after that. But at the time I was about to start having contact with the child (who was only 18 months old) I said to my Partner that this was a huge commitment and no going back. Meaning – we need to be committed if I am to become involved in this child’s life. Our first year had been lovely and I had helped him recover from pneumonia. The first three months were perfect, a little happy family unit, then he turned into Jekyll and Hyde, through me out but didn’t break up with me. Sort of. We were living together at my house but spending the days on his farm where he worked (and where I had helped out when he was ill) and he said his brother didn’t like it so I had to stop going over. This meant he and the child had to move in with me. I said we should get our own place. Actually I would normally have ended a relationship at this point but the child and I had bonded in a big way and he was very clingy with me – and I was a bit concerned about the brother. I can’t explain now, but that bond was so strong and he loved and trusted me. He was anxious every time I wasn’t there. So before he and the child moved in full time (it was driving me crazy us being separated for periods) I said we need to thrash everything out and make some agreements. If we couldn’t live at his farm because of his brother, we needed to get a place together of our own. He initially said he didn’t want to commit finances to buy a place with me. Gave me all sorts of reasons – I accepted some of them. I couldn’t afford to buy a place for 3 of us on my own (I had sold a house and had equity from it to buy a small place of my own – intended to be for my retirement before we met). Incidentally we are in our late fifties! He has never been married. He was 50 odd when the child was born.

    So we thrashed it out and did a deal. I said the only way we could afford to live together, if he wouldn’t commit to a joint house purchase, was at his farm. There was an extension that was being converted and it could be made big enough for his brother and ourselves to live separately. I agreed that we would live in my rented place for 3 months while he finished the work on the extension and then we would move there.

    Stupid of me. He had already lied and treated me like a parcel! Why I thought a deal would mean anything is so stupid! Again for 3 months we were a happy family unit, all living in the same place again. Then his brother kicked off (I don’t get the relationship with his brother, they are both bullies and both scared of each other). Partner panicked (or pretended to panic) and said there was no way we could move there and had to stay here, in my rented bachelor pad – which I had been trying to move out of before I met him and hung on until we knew where we would be living, knowing we needed a family home.

    4 years later and we are being thrown out. I have had all kinds of illnesses and it led to me seeing more and more about him. He got nastier and nastier. He is particularly nasty when I am unwell. I wanted to get out – many times. But it’s almost as if the child’s Mother had a radar! Every time I was on the point of thinking I had to get out, the child’s Mother did something really awful, dragged the child round doctors for a year saying he was mentally ill, child in shreds coming here and wanting comfort. We dealt with it (it’s the only time we are remotely a team because I am articulate and get things sorted for his child). At that moment I thought I can’t leave. Then we were given notice to quit. I am now feeling forced into buying a place big enough for three of us on my own. It means it’ll be a bad investment because anything I can afford will either be in a ropey area or need work doing I don’t have the money for. And I’m having constant panic attacks. I can’t do it, I have to do it and so on. I can’t explain on paper how it would not be good to leave this child, who I have parented since he was a toddler. If one of his parents was nice and normal, then maybe. I have gone round and round what I can do. And come to the conclusion I have to stay, buy the house and hope I’m capable of leaving when the child is grown up even if I ended up losing everything. I feel powerless to make the child’s life good and right, but am also a stabilizing and positive influence. Child is not stupid.

    December 27, 2015

    Thanks for this. I’m returning to it again. #2 is something I need to read regularly. It’s a beautiful piece of work and it’s helping me, and my daughters by extension. They are estranged from me right now. I still get to see them, but they are alienated. I can see that where I’ve practiced the principles you articulate here, it has strengthened my relationship with my girls. I can also see where I’ve felt the pain of this situation in front of them, that it has slowed the healing process. I’ve let go of the rope and I resist picking it up again. I look forward to a future relationship with my beautiful, strong, smart girls, and continued healing for my family.


    January 12, 2016

    Hi Mel,

    Going through leaving an N. Thought the N was bi-polar but that was just the violence cycle happening of honeymoon, tension, abuse.

    Children are involved and I had great concern as to how to keep them safe when I myself as an adult wasn’t able to keep myself safe, of course after writing that maybe I kept myself safer than I realized. Either way, they are children and don’t have these same capabilities mentally and emotionally.

    After reading this article I feel that I have more influence in their health than I realized. While it’s a shame that one of their parents are the reason for so much pain, at the same time, pain and growth in our lives is inevitable. I can let go of the thought that I didn’t want this to happen and start looking at it as what did happen.

    No matter what my children’s lives would have looked liked, there would have been some pain that I would need to step back and provide support through and couldn’t fix for them.

    This is a much more powerful place to maneuver this situation than to think in pity that they ‘have’ to go through one of their parents as abusive and feel deep regret and pain for them.

    Thank you for the work you do, Mel. You’ve offered much for myself and for my children. Let me know if there’s any way I can give back.


    Lynne Namka
    February 24, 2016

    Hi, I have the nardar website and am writing a book for children of narcissistic and personality disordered parents called The Queen and King of Mean. My approach to to teach some social skills and understand unkind behaviors without mentioning the word narcissism. I would like to include your article on How to Help Your Children in my book. Would you allow me to reprint it in my book of course attributing it to you and your website? Thanks, Lynne Namka

    Nikki Weigel
    March 30, 2016

    Ooooh Mel! Thanks to the new NARP handbook, I knew how to search things and found this. So aware now where I can make shifts and improve more things with my kiddos. Yes!!! What a gift this awareness is. So thankful!!


    April 9, 2016

    Hi, im 37 and just getting my head together about my whole life because of my sociopath narc mother. My dad is dead because of her, i went to prison at 17 because of mental abuse, my whole family is destroyed and i watched using man after man for money.

    Its taken me years trying to understand all of this, because my dad died when i was 6 so i had nobody to question about my “mother”.

    Problem is my so called mother had another baby when i was 16 and she has brainwashed him to hate me and his own father ……and i am now trying figure out how i wake him up out of his brain washing as he is a victim like me but he cannot see it. He is 20 years old now.

    can you provide any info?

    April 10, 2016

    My mother-in-law is a super narcissist. She has my kids spend the night. She makes them feel guilty. She tells them they overreact or makes them feel incompetent. She will take them out to eat for lunch and push unhealthy food on them. To get them hooked on her, she then buys them things they like that their parents do not buy for them. She does not care about boundaries here.

    If they refuse to eat all of the unhealthy sugar and fat foods she offers at the restaurantm she will use it later. Later, it is dinner time. She will say, “too bad you did not eat when you had the chance. I cannot take you out again. I could only afford one meal and that was the lunch.” She witholds this dinner meal from them. 75% of the time, my kids come home at 10 pm, not having had a meal in 7 or more hours, too tired to eat, and they wake up vomiting all morning.
    I have already agreed for my son to spend the night and now I have been thinking about her withholding dinner in a different light. My preschool son will not be able to provide a meal for himself and will be dependent on her. I feel she is doing this to show my kids that she is in control of them.
    I know I have the right to change my mind. I just do not know how to explain it to her because she is a super narc and is so mean to me!

    April 16, 2016

    You write, “your child chose this experience to have a narcissistic parent”. Nice victim blaming!

    No wonder the first comments I see under your article are, “I did everything you said and now my child is worse than ever”.

      Sybil Wisdom
      May 19, 2016


      I was relieved to see your comment, as I found it so disturbing that no one prior seemed to notice the pathology of the following:

      “Remember again this is a soul lesson, this is a karmic lesson that your child has chosen at a soul level to go through – in order to heal his or her unhealed parts – just as you did.”

      That is ironically, so narcissistic! 😉

      There is some helpful information in the above article, but the particular misinformation we both noticed, is damaging in general, & especially damaging for those seeking understanding of & healing from narcissistic abuse.

      Please, if you have experienced narcissistic abuse by your parent(s)/caretaker(s) as a child, know that you never chose that, nor deserved it.

    May 16, 2016

    I’m going thru divorce, but really trying to keep it as peaceful as possible for the sake of my kids.
    He abusive, cheater, liar and starting to show more tendency towards physical abuse.

    He has no control in what I do now and it drives him mad.

    Recently he bashing me in front of my kids in full anger about my social life, how disrespectful the way I act and said how he hates me. I came home from meeting my old high school bestie, we’ve lost contact for over 2 decades, just to found my son in distress, begging me to stop going out. He cried and very scared, the father has threatened them stories about family break out.
    I cannot said what in my head but the look of my son face, the only thing that I can think is, to help him out of the shit that his father put him thru. That’s the only thing that make me stay calm, because I have to takecare of my kids. For the record I was just having nice dinner no alcohol, me and my bestie just having long talk.

    I realise that I will not be able to prevent the demon from my kids, so I start looking up to google. Advise or discussion on how to support your kids, without degrading the father.
    Thank you for putting this up, I need this kind of encouragement.

    May 20, 2016

    I am just recently finding out what exactly I have been through eith my ex-husband whom i met in ’97,but have been divorced from for 9 years. I have cobtinued to go through a lot mire hurt,pain , and abuse even after the divorce by way of attempts to repair the relationship and through having to co-parent with him. He uses the same manipulative tactics on our kids and he has indeed alienated me against them. My sons tend to treat me just as he does and are smitten with his charisma and “expertise” while I am blown off most of the time. Years ago before I came into the recent realization of the abuse, I used to always bring up how different they act with me versus him…this was in his words”All in my head” like so many other “issues” I had.

    After reading this article, I fear that I have already made every mistake mentioned. I have tried to defend myself to them, I have scolded them for their disrespectful and dishonorable treament of me,etc.
    I can my oldest son has been the most manipulated and we bump heads constantly.

    We are now in a custidy battle because he is trying take them away to live him”to learn to be men.”

    How can I let go and heal from this ongoing abuse while trying to co-parent and now put up with his tactics in this custody battle?

    June 12, 2016

    Thank You.
    My teenager’s mind has been poisoned against me and my ex- has just started the process of trying to take her away from me. She is fearful of me and does not want to see me anymore even though I am one of the calmest people you’ll ever meet.
    I am not the kind of person to give up, but I understand that fighting is futile. I will do everything legally to not get joint custody changed on paper, even if she does not want to see me. There will be a new drama in her life if she is with my ex- probably soon (as there always is). Perhaps she will come back to me then.
    Thank you for the validation.

    July 29, 2016


    I knew at age ten that something wasn’t right with my father but I didn’t find out what the problem was until I was 41. I read the traits of narcissistic personality disorder and it fit my father perfectly. That is when I stopped visiting him and trying to establish a father-son relationship because I realized there can’t be one. I suffered heavy emotional abuse and I don’t believe I will ever have healthy self esteem. What I’d like to know is I still feel anger toward my father even after he passed away. He was incredibly manipulative. I don’t think I can ever forgive that man even though he had a difficult childhood himself. I know he knew what he was doing when he inflicted pain. What I’d like to know is there a way I can find peace and stop feeling anger every time I think about him? Thank you

    Danielle Rodriguez
    October 22, 2016

    My 16 year old daughter just returned from an 11 day stay with my Narc mother. I warned my daughter about going to visit, but she wanted to go to the beach, my Narc mother allowed her to bring a friend. A very smart and sweet young lady. I am appauld and embarrassed how the trip went. I knew it was not going well when my mother called to complain daily about the girls. Finally 5 days ago I said, what would you like for me to do regarding this siutation? She said take my side! I said please do not call me 600 miles away to complain. She said THIS IS MY HOUSE I can do and say what I want! I said goodbye and hung up. Only to receive a very nasty email that I filed with the others. My daughter begins to text me how the verbal abuse has gotten more intense. I am sure this was to get back at me. She told my daughter she had no heart, how my son was perfect and she sends him money to college all the time. How my almost 45 year old brother(who has always been the golden child, never married and is a recovering alocholic) and his 47 year old girlfriend were better house guest than her! She belittled my dauther and her friend. THen my mom is sending me pictures of work being done on her boat dock. I do not respond, then she sends me a text telling me to have MY daughter call her as she is out in Fla and she is not answering her phone. I call my daughter who answers and I said you need to call your grandmother, she said I am on the phone with her. right now. Again another attempt to get me to interact with her. Since my father’s death almost 6 years ago she has gotten worse. I have been in therapy regarding her for many years. She tells people she graduated from college, she did not, dropped out at 19. I have a Masters degree and I have never said implied that i am smarter than her. She has told me my entire life she is smarter than me, I am a liar, my firends talk behind my back.This has caused me to be a people pleaser. In addition it has caused me to marry, (divorce) and date Narc Men. As an adult I realize why I was so close to her mother/my grandmother, because I had not relationship or healthy communication with my own mother. I was very close to my father. I am attempting to break the emotional abuse with my mother, and with my children. It is hard and exhausting. My brother has Narc tendicies and see’s how difficult my mother is but when you are the golden child you can say and do what you want. My brother currently lives on the family 400 acre farm free of charge with his girlfriend, and can not hold a job. I am a single mom who works two jobs has a son in college and I am told what a horrible mother I am. Outside of going no contact with mother I have no idea how to deal with her evil ways. Suggestions would be helpful. Thank you,

    December 19, 2016

    I’m struggling to maintain a relationship with my daughter due to her being slowly turned against me over the years by a mother who would want nothing more but to have our daughter disassociate herself with me. She’s 10 years old now and mom has all conversation monitored and tells her what she would have her say. She’s teaching our daughter to only manipulate me as she did. Also, made her call another man dad until she believed it. Rubbing all the mud she can in my face there is never a time where I can be redignified. All these years I did everything in my power to be apart of my child’s life only to have the mother make it here sole purpose in life to make her superior of me and me amount to nothing in my child’s eyes while herself a parts the saviour. Court ended in mediation that led to her family’s phichricists that recommend the child visit as she wanted. Not understanding that the decisions were influenced by mom and now visits have become less and less frequent. To the point I can’t have a normal Christmas visitation it’s arround mom’s side of the family or nothing at all. And if she comes all the all now like the mother says not that she wants to its to get what she wants and go back to mom to enjoy it. I can’t see the light at the end of this tunnel.

    March 12, 2017

    Heal thy imperfect self and radiate wholehearted acceptance. That’s what I hear in what I read. I love it! Thank you.

    March 21, 2017

    I’m wondering what the difference is between setting a boundary and “fighting back” and thus getting more of the same. Along with all the usual behaviours, he continues to reduce my “allowance” but wants to spend more time with our daughter. I can accept everything else, but not this. Can I set a boundary? Am I overreacting? Should I “let” him? Am I using her as a pawn? What would be best in this situation?

    March 27, 2017

    This article made me feel so much better. I even smiled when I realised I had l ready been doing everything I should be in dealing with my son’s narcissistic grandma, and I no longer feel so overwhelmed on whether this is the best way to handle it. But it all made so much sense and I see all the positive so clearly that we are doing at home. I’m sure things will turn out great for my son.

    Denise Murnin
    May 9, 2017

    It has taken me decades to understand the ways in which my narcissistic mother adversely has affected my life and my choice of a husband (now, ex-husband after years of his emotional, verbal, and physical abuse). With a need to win people over to her “side” and way of living and thinking, she has told lies about so many people in an effort to alienate people from each other and to see her as the victim in need of sympathy and understanding. She has been responsible for alienating my three grown daughters from me and at various times from each other. Your article highlighted ways to cope . . . some of which I finally learned on my own after much trial and error to put into practice and some which introduced new ideas for coping. I’ve tried to understand why my mother behaves as she does toward people who only wanted to love and to help her, but have given up trying to understand. She has caused too much harm and grief in our family and caused the last year of my father’s life to be one of frustration and sadness and abandonment on her part. Thank you for this website and for your help. God bless you and all those who seek help here.

    Joni Saw
    May 12, 2017

    I was trying to decide if I should allow my 10yr old daughter to visit with her father, my narcissistic ex-husband over the month long school holidays. He chooses not to see or contact her at all throughout the school year and only wants to take her for weeks at a time during school holidays.
    Your article gave me perspective and allowed me to step out from my sinkhole of fear to be more open hearted and not assume the worst, and also to have a way to create a positive result from what I viewed from only a negative aspect.

    Thank you.

    June 23, 2017

    I needed to read this. My N went to court ex parte and alleged all sorts of things that are lies. He has had sole custody of the children for 4 months now and they have suffered greatly being neglected medically, left unsupervised, had their activities curtailed, weekends have become awful. They see me only twice a week on supervised visits. I have no idea why the original court order has not been overturned. Evidence continues to mount against him and the lawyers (on both sides) and the children’s lawyer as well as the supervision agency are seeing the truth now though the truth has yet to reach the judge and the children remain with their N-father.

    I hold deep pain over this. “It is what it is” works only when I remain exceptionally busy or when I am actually with the children. I have suffered abuse from everyone who believed him – lawyers, police, DCP, my original work colleagues, psychologists, psychiatrists. I had a belief that I would never be believed and it seemed to remain true until I started shifting it. Now I have seen people cry when I tell my story and there are many who know what I say is the truth. I miss my children. I cannot restate that one. I want them back. I wan to tuck them in bed at night and kiss them goodnight. I want to take them to school and care for them and make them food – all the usual things I always did – my N-ex was absent most of their lives and only on initiating a separation did he decide to parent and he has not done a good job of it because he wants control and he tells his 9 year old daughter to be mature when she cries for her mother.

    One day I will get my children back. I have to prove despite the abuse, that I am mentally healthy – which seems contradictory since the abuse I accuse him of would not normally enable me to be mentally healthy. He has attacked all I hold most dear – he is making me prove that I am a good mother and has tried to make me believe I was not. He is making me prove I am mentally healthy when he has spent all his time telling others I need to see a psychiatrist and that I am crazy. He said once that there were two truths in our household – his and mine, but then why did he take it to court where evidence will prove that he is lying? And while I was crushed by this and did initially believe that I was not a good enough mother and was partly crazy, since he left me (homeless and destitute) I have come to terms with the fact that I am a very good mother – not perfect and with faults, but certainly a good one, that I have been highly resilient even when I have had acute stress reactions, and that I do know the truth about myself.

    But with that I also know that I can still be triggered. That I do still hurt. That I do still obsess and that I feel great anger and rage at this injustice and evil. That I hate being lied about and that I do not know how to express this anger in ways that help me or release all the pain and hurt. I do not know how to protect my children – when to report, when to remain still, when to do something and when just to pray. I also have to accept that I am only human. That I have limitations too. And I need to learn to express my pain but then to release it so I am not expressing it all the time.

    I miss my children. They miss me. I love my children. I want what is best for them. I want them to be healthy individuals who know they are loved and who are able to love themselves too. I want them to be confident. I want them to know how to ask for help. I want them to work towards their goals, be patient and not give up. And I want them too to be able to express the immense pain they feel and to release it, to live in the moment and enjoy God’s creation and the present moment.

      August 7, 2017

      Your situation is understandably difficult, if not unbearable. I feel for you. While I have 50/50, even that nearly destroyed me. The law and the courts are not set up to understand narcissistic abuse, and even may reward such behavior. It’s a war, a battleground that narcs relish. Your children feel your love, and you are forever bound and connected to them in many ways. Stay strong, keep doing the work and the programs, reach out for help in every direction, practice self-care and focus on your healing first, as Melanie says. Pray and meditate on your children’s wellbeing, and know that (god forbid) if they really are being abused or neglected, that may bring them back to you, but here’s hoping they are fine, and you will succeed in returning them to you. There is no shame in coping with stress, unfortunately the courts sometimes see that as a weakness – oddly enough, the person who is most negatively affected by the narcissist and reaches out for help – via therapy and/or medication – tends to feel like they are being judged, whereas the person who needs counseling and treatment is the narc himself! Yet he refuses to acknowledge or go for help. So, keep strong, I validate you and your challenges, and send positive energy for a better outcome for you and your kids. Be well.

    Margaret McLean
    June 27, 2017

    My ex husband and coparent to our two children, son age 11 and daughter age 14 is now, I believe, involved with a woman with NPD. She and I have “had it out,” I saw the crazy, and I completely disconnected with her. I feel great about that decision. She, however, uses my no contact as proof that I am cold and calculating and has done her best to turn my ex against me. I don’t give a hoot about that.

    What concerns me are my children. My ex and I have 50/50 legal and physical custody. From what I understand so far my kids have been treated well by Her. I wonder, though, do they see how she directs the show and their dad just “Yes, ma’am”s her? Do I need to worry that She will turn my kids against me?

    I can easily and happily have no contact with her, but my kids cannot. Any advise? Thanks!

    November 21, 2017

    This is powerful information! It gives me hope in grandparenting my grandchildren. I have been looking for information on how to raise these beautiful children who have a narcissistic parent.
    Thank you for this extremely helpful and hopeful article.
    Terri Walsh

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 22, 2017

      Hi Terri,

      You are so welcome, and I so hope this has helped.

      Sending many blessings to you and your beautiful grandchildren.

      Mel xo

    November 28, 2017

    Hi Mel
    I looked after my 2 grandchildren since 3 months old 21/2 and 9 months.
    We had lots of fun playing laughing learning and staying busy during the day while mommy and daddy works .’
    My day started at 7.30-6 with 2 kids.
    I’m 54 and have arthritis in my shoulders.
    I did this Monday to Friday with no breaks.
    I started getting tired since I have 2 to look after.
    My daughter brings them to my house and pick them up after work.
    She started demanding me to take them to social activities that I did try to keep up with by taking them to the library babes program 1x per week. I tried to take them out at least on another outing like the zoo on another day of the week.
    It was hard for me and I suggested to my daughter to put them in a playgroup 1 day a week. That way I could rest a bit and also get my personal duties in my home like ironing my husbands shirts for work/doing my hair at the salon and my sewing ect up to date
    For two 1/2 years all went well and I did this all for $0 …… I did not want to get paid to look after my grandchildren. For me the dally hugs and playing and hearing them laughing was more than $ to my heart and soul. They brought me so much joy EVERY day they were here Monday- Friday
    I looked forward seeing them every day😊👶
    Then since the day I said I’m getting tired my daughter started looking for a daycare. According to her she could not find out of 15 or more places anywhere good enough to leave the kids for a playday
    One Friday evening my husband and myself went out with our good friend 68/70 years old to a wine farm. We sat and had a glass of wine and the lady owing the place started talking to us and told us about her sister looking after children for 30+ years. She gave me her nr. The Monday I made a phonecall and asked the lady if she have any openings for two children for from January 2018 available. She said yes and I said my daughter will maybe phone her because we needed 1 day a week and she said she does take them for 1 day or whatever people need.
    That evening at 6 when my daughter came to get the kids I told her about this lady.
    I forgot to tell you that my daughter and her husband apparently found a school but they had to sign them up for 5 days a week at she said $500 per week for 2 kids
    Well that’s why I thought if she could try this lady to go check it out for 1 day then maybe they can save some $.
    When they found this 5 day school she said they will still bring them to me 2 days a week and 3 days to school seeing that they have to pay for 5 days.
    I respected that and even thank her for allowing me still to have them 2 days.
    Then the Monday when I told her about the 1x a day per week place I heard about this whole thing changed:
    This is what happened after that Monday evening 6 o clock
    She ripped the kids away shouted at me that I’m taking over and overstepping my boundaries!
    She called my husband a liar and lots of other names.
    She put the kids in the car in a rage temper. She shouted at us and said :
    If I had to pay you $1200 per month to look after the kids then this whole thing will chance!!
    ( now not $2000 per month anymore now $1200 per month)???
    I don’t care how much she pay someone for daycare as it’s none of my business.
    I asked for 1 day a week to myself.
    I became her childcare Slave and that for free.’
    I had a small business that I ended to take care of the kids.
    Now she ripped the kids away and went to enroll them full time in that 5x day school. She didn’t bring them back to me for almost 2 weeks now. In the meantime my whole life just crumble up because I have nothing to do. I miss the little kids.
    Now today she send me a message saying that the kids won’t come to me again this full week and the full of December. They can come to me from the 21 dec to 3 January. ( the school will be close for holiday and she have nowhere else to take them)
    So I’ll be good enough those days…. but now I’m not needed.
    So the reason I’m typing this is to ask if I’ll make the correct desition to tell her that I won’t be available. I feel she’s abusing me and my husband and just using me to fill in for when she have no one else.
    Their is a lot more abusement she apply on us that I did not mention here.
    What do you suggest me to do?
    My daughter is 30. She keeps on telling me that she is a grown adult and we need to respect her.
    I respected her all the way for 21/2 years. I think I did to much for her!!!
    Please give advice as I don’t want to make a wrong move. I love my 3 children 2 grandchildren and husband. I’m just thriving for a happy life.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 28, 2017

      Dear Happy,

      Can you daughter be reasonable – does she have this capacity – or is she totally narcissistic? Are you able to speak to her husband, is he reasonable and can he reason with her? I think unfortunately what does happen with families and mothers are that children do take advantage of and expect a lot from parents, and aren’t very grateful. I know that I have at times (until I grew up) was very much like that with my own mother.

      And I know, just as I know being a mother now, as mothers we don’t speak up, people do take advantage of us because we just do what mothers do! I understand now that you have had enough and that is understandable.

      Maybe if you could let it all settle a little bit and approach your daughter with love and calmness first. And stating that of course you would love to mind and see your grandchildren and can we work out something – maybe all four of you meet – as a family meeting … to work it out.

      I would try the open loving approach first. I think that if you just put your foot down there could be backlash and this may prohibit you seeing your grandchildren.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

    December 4, 2017

    Dear Melanie,

    I have got NARP and used it to some extent. I think it is great, but haven’t used it for a while so need a shortcut advice for my situation.

    The child is 13 years old. The father never lived with us in the same country but managed to get such visitation that he can take child anywhere in the world for summer holiday. The boy can totally see through the father and doesn’t want to even see him.

    First of all, how can I encourage the boy to spend the night with father when the father is visiting our city. Just for a weekend. The social worker is corrupted and would not lisiten to boy’s wishes. She has threatened with taking my parental rights in the court.

    Can you help me formulate my goal?

    Thank you very much

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 5, 2017

      Hi Zana,

      Please note I highly recommend coming into the NARP Forum for help with this: This is really not the Forum for backwards and forward coaching on what you can do – in depth – to help your child. In there we can help you much more.

      Mel xo

    December 15, 2017

    This is the best article on this subject I’ve heard thus far. Thank you for writing about this. It has been tremendously helpful. I don’t think I could have paid and got that good advice.

    Steve Man
    January 4, 2018

    After a 17 year marriage, my wife walked out on the marriage because I refused to Go-kart near her narcissistic father. She said, she comes as a package and for the last 2 years of the marriage I had refused to see or be near him. She allowed him to STEEL my first born son. He made my son his “golden child” and I was forced to watch my son from up to be mini- father-in-law. Talk like him, eat like him, laugh, walk, sit, mimic, jester like him. Unfortunately, I don’t think like my-father-in-law. If my wife allowed her father to enter our home and act as the head of my house. The influence was unbearable. Today, since the separation, my son has refused to see me, talk to me. I barely have contact via text. My son has been led to believe I “emotionally abused” him all his life. I am told he is “coming out of his shell” , “needs time to heal” .

    Everything I’ve read about narssisstic grandparents says to make sure to keep the. Child away but I have no control. His grandfather is his God and his idol and he spend weeks at his house.

    He just turned 16, which means he can’t even be forced into theropy. He is told,”he is fine”.

    The mother is busy with new boyfriend is just leaves the kid with her parents. I don’t know how to get the kid to open his eyes to see what has happend to him.

    May 12, 2018

    Hello! I’m a father of 3 beautiful girls (15, 18 and 23). I left my ex-wife 16 months ago and felt the pain of daughters slipping away from me since. I’ve always tried to stay in their lives, take them to their dance classes and even to the hospital when one of them got very ill and my ex-wife didn’t think it was a big deal. She’s started verbal fights with me while they were in ear shot. It came to the point that I wouldn’t discuss anything with her at the house anymore, as it felt like she was setting me up as the “bad guy”. I’ve financially supported them all and helped around the house when I could (cut the lawn, fix the fence and roof, get them another fridge when the one in the house died). She’s planned a Disney vacation with all 3 girls through their dance studio while staying in a 4 bedroom house on a minimum wage job. My ex has now allowed her boyfriend to stay over in the house, with my girls home and has no remorse for how this would affect me! It was the only stipulation I had! I’m not trying to stop her from moving on, truly, but it really messes with my daughters heads having another man in the house that’s not their father. My ex is also showing my girls emails, texts and lawyers documents that are driving them further and further from me (to the point they won’t contact me anymore). I’ve been trying to iron out our separation agreement for over 6 months with no participation from my ex. I’m at a loss. My heart hurts daily and I don’t know how to proceed on regaining any kind of relationship with my girls. Please help and give me guidance! I could use all the help I can get.

    July 10, 2018

    My son’s father and I divorced when he was 2. His father is a narcissist and a habitual liar. He began aggressively poisoning my son’s mind from his FIRST visitation. My two year old son, who had been 100% cared for by me until then as his father worked 16 hours per day, came home after that first visit SCREAMING and not wanting me. It was like a switch flipped.

    I decided it was my duty to uphold his relationship with his father, even if that wasn’t how I was being treated. I firmly believed that taking the high road would benefit my son and me both in the long run. I was patient and loving at times I wanted to scream. When his father realized I would not be engaged by that, he did eventually admit to saying/doing harmful things, apologizing, and stopping (or so he claimed.) And, much to my surprise, it only took my son til age 6 to see his father for his true colors.

    Then his father remarried. This woman is ten times worse than he is. She is HIGHLY abusive toward my son’s father in front of the kids (he has two other children) and she came into the relationship with her own child who she foisted into this “number one” spot in the household, where no hierarchy had previously existed. There were three years of my son being treated horribly by her, and his father allowing it. So, I put a stop to visits at their house. His father AGREED his wife could not be trusted with his kids, and all 3 of them stopped visiting. He came and took our son out to dinner once a week for two years, and that was it.

    My son is now twelve. For the last year, he has grown hostile, angry, and aggressive to me. There have been incidents where I’ve threatened to call the police before he’d calm down. I believe he’s angry over the neglect from his dad for so long, but has regressed to that seed his father planted years ago that I am to be blamed for all problems. Tho he apologized for that, it can never be erased.

    A couple weeks ago my son punched my 7 yo daughter in the face. I lost it. I called his father and told him to come and get my son. Now, my son has decided he wants to resume visits and claims his father will essentially sequester his wife to another room while my son is there. (Also ungodly unfair to a woman in her own house.) My son informed me that the only reason he wants to live with me is because I can shuttle him to all his school/sport stuff and his dad won’t do that, otherwise he would leave. He doesn’t realize it, but by basically revealing he thinks of me as his maid, to me, my relationship with my son has been entirely redefined.

    I blame his father for all this. I blame him for horrible things he said about me to our son. They were untrue, but even if they had been true, he had no right to poison a baby against his mother. He used to tell my son ALL the time that “mommy left US.” My son was NEVER out of my custody for even a day, but his father programmed this sense of abandonment in his mind. And then HE abandoned our son. But my son chooses to be mad at me instead of his father, when I wish he could just not be mad at all.

    I’m sorry for the rant. I feel helpless.

    June 14, 2019

    Why is this written as if the narcissist is always the man?

    August 1, 2019

    I was involved with my narc partner for 16years.
    And the completion of our soul contract, finally ended early this year. As soul crushing as this very long journey was, It was clearly the only way I would learn the absolute necessary and detrimental need to self partner and learn to love myself and heal all my pain and traumas that stem from an abusive childhood also. We also have an 11 year old son together. Being the very complex relationship it was, we lived separately for majority of our sons life, but spent weekends at his and some week nites. Our son always had issues with his father and anytime I had to leave him with him (there were also periods of months we’d seperate and our son would go there fortnight weekends during that period, our son would have huge meltdowns and refusal to go. He would always say he hated his dad from a young toddler and that he was mean. Even if he had a good weekend with him he just seemed to have this dislike for him always. Our son still refuses to see him still.
    I have tried to encourage him to see him as he has 2 step sisters also but he won’t budge. His father just says he’s ungrateful and that there’s no reason he shouldn’t trust him. ( I could respond with so much but I have had to stop myself as we know, communicating with a narc is just like a being stuck the middle of a cyclone. (But yes our son has every reason not to trust him)
    He’s not really fighting for him anymore, as he has moved on with a new partner. And is pre occupied with his new supply. But he has asked to see him a few times. In the past he would’ve stalked harassed continued to try and control everything with abuse, threats, gaslighting etc but he has finally after 16years and meeting someone else backed off. Except for the odd email saying I’m a shit mum!
    My son not wanting to see him is kind of a blessing in some ways because I don’t have to deal with him anymore. ( I still have loads of trauma to heal and am highly affected still by his father, I think I have ptsd as a result of this relationship.
    Is it ok that I support my sons decision not to see him? I always leave that door open to our son and if he said I want to see dad I would completely support that but he just refuses. Am I doing the right thing here?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 2, 2019

      Hi Katherine,

      I really do believe in supporting our children’s emotional decisions.

      And absolutely use this time of reprieve to deeply heal you.

      Have you checked out my healing program NARP ?

      It works powerfully on freeing you from the symptoms of narcissistic abuse including PTSD.

      Our healing is so essential for our children too. Where we go, is where they follow.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💞💛

    October 6, 2019

    Great article, but one big scenario you leave out: the unfortunate occurrence of when BOTH parents are narcissists. This happened to me. The child, as a result, is made the scapegoat, in the full Biblical sense, and piled on with all of both parents sins (negative projections and blame) and cast out into the wilderness to (emotionally) die, until the scapegoat is needed again for another round…usually the very next day.

    It took years and years of therapy to even understand the chaos of what went on, and even now, at age 50, I still have a tendency to attract extremely narcissistic men, who seem totally wonderful and kind…until they’re not.

    In my situation, my siblings were also turned against me. My parents meanwhile, never once fought between themselves. Their idealization “honeymoon” phase, was able to be sustained for their entire lifetime = a marriage of decades and decades! This is because any problem was my fault. I was to blame. It was because of stress and disappointment in me (ironically, I was a very well-behaved kid, did great in school, and ended up at the Ivy League).

    None of this mattered though, because everything was thrown on me and my fault (in their distorted eyes).

    It was only through a strong group of friends, teachers, camp counselors, and a belief in God, that I learned very early on that my parent’s view of me was distorted like a cracked fun-house mirror, and I was able to get at least some of my mirroring met by other outside sources, so I didn’t grow up believing this stuff. In this situation, it really did take a village to raise a child.

    November 4, 2019

    Hi Melanie

    My daughter (7) has contact with her dad once a month (gradually the contact time reduced over the yrs due to the anxiety it was causing her). I also tend to go with how many hours she wants to spend with him on the day, because she is so distressed about going to see him, and I feel that as there is no court involvement I will support the number of hours she feels she can manage as I’m not required thankfully to force her to go. However, its still really tough for her. She is due to spend time with him next Sunday and her anxiety is rising and feelings and events from the last contact are coming to her mind. she talks to me but these memories and traumas mean she sleeps late.

    Last night she was sharing with me that she feels like her dad doesn’t like her as much as my nephew (her cousin). When ex has contact he takes her to my parents (I am NC with them) who have been living together with my brother and his family including the nephew. Anyway my daughter is really hurt because her dad has been giving favourable treatment to my nephew and not standing up for her or stopping the nephews behaviour when he is aggressive or inappropriate to her. Last night she recalled how ‘frustrated’ and ‘upset’ she felt last contact when he had asked both her and my nephew what flavour ice cream they wanted. He then bought the icecreams and instead of giving each child the flavour they had asked for, he presented BOTH to my nephew and asked which one he wanted. And he chose the one my daughter had ordered. Later at lunch ex got two sweet treats for the nephew and only one for our daughter. Everytime they went to go on the swing he told her to let her cousin have a go first.She has many more stories than this and you can imagine what this feels like for my daughter. . Its understandable how unfair she feels this is and why she is crying and worrying that her daddy likes her cousin more than her. She feels scared as she knows she may have to go there again next week and she has told him she doesn’t want to. But he tells her she does (as in the crazymaking way he used to deny my feelings an try to tell me I was feeling something that I actually wasn’t).

    To the point! I feel bad that Im letting my daughter go and be treated like this. (Not my fault obviously. I’ve healed a lot and have minimal contact) He’s not getting at me by treating her like this because Im not there. He is just hurting her. I can see she feels so worthless to him. Theres nothing wrong with my daughter of course -He is probably acting from his own needs in some way -to be in control, gaining supply from my nephew, or something like that. Anyway its not of my concern. My concern is my daughter. I used to feel obliged to keep up some contact between them as I feared him taking me to court but I no longer have this fear. I don’t know if I am doing the right thing keeping up contact? If my daughter doesn’t want to go is it okay to stop contact? (offering her that if she wants to at any point then she can). Cos partly I wander if the reason she goes to him for a few hrs is co she knows he will blame her or me if she doesn’t. He has such an impact on her everyday life especially leading upto contact. There are many triggers and she has dreams that disturb her too often with themes of being helpless. Its not really good for her emotionally to have this relationship with him where she doesn’t get heard and often gets hurt/minimised etc

    Sorry that was long. I’m really glad I found your work recently. Its a great supplement to the resources I already had and I really do appreciate your love and support for us all.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *