I was going to write another topic, and then just as I rolled out my yoga mat, a thought popped into my head…
I realised that there is often one HUGE thing that hurts so much during narcissistic abuse, that is REALLY hard for people to let go of.
After yoga, when I entered my office and switched on my computer, I was not at all surprised by the responses.
I know how raw it still is for many people who have been hurt by narcissists, and I know how hard it can feel to overcome the pain of what someone else did to you – especially when it occurs within the inhumane, cruel and senseless behaviour dispensed by a narcissist.
So, rather than being stunted in our healing, as a result of these wounds, we can actually accelerate our awareness and growth.
In this article I am going to share how I let go of the biggest thing that hurt me when suffering narc abuse, and provide you with an exercise for you to do the same.
The Biggest Things That HURT
The posts that came through from Facebook were very accurate in regard to consistent aspects of narcissistic abuse. The main points that were repeated over and over were:
- The lies and betrayals
- The blaming and deflecting
- Discovering the relationship was never real
- The cruelty of devalue and discard
- No empathy
- Never being good enough for the narcissist
- The infidelity
Many people found it very hard to stick to posting about ‘one thing’. Some people in the NARC Facebook group did post one thing and then returned to post another.
Some members wrote very eloquent sum ups such as:
“Like everyone else it is difficult to pin it down to one thing, but in a nutshell it is the sudden realisation that you have been totally and utterly conned on every level and you have suddenly found yourself in the middle of a nuclear winter. The word betrayal does not even seem to cut it as it implies one event, not the myriad events of trashing everything one has believed in. Realizing that he did not love was not as mind blowing as realizing he could not care less and actually enjoyed the destruction.”
Understandably overcoming the complete shock and utter betrayals of narcissistic abuse is certainly no walk in the park.
And this is exactly why a radical approach is necessary. The solution to solve a problem has to be as non-contemporary as the problem itself. Narcissistic abuse is not ‘normal’ and it is certainly not something that anyone’s brain can normally or rationally digest and reconcile.
Narcissistic abuse is like a disease to your soul, it has been said by many ‘it rapes you at every level’.
Therefore truly it is through the depths of your soul that you need to recover.
Soul Work
‘Soul Work’ is about taking the psychology to a deeply spiritual level – it is about being prepared to embrace: that despite the horror story that was / is our life, there is a deeper and even loving reason behind all of it.
This would mean – it wasn’t all to no avail, it wasn’t some random mistake, and at some deeper, (or higher) level it was actually all meant to be.
Truly it is these spiritual applications that have not only saved my life, they have granted me incredible strength, joy and purpose.
I have seen the identical results occur for many other people as well.
Deep spiritual psychology has done so much more for me than just keep me going.
And truly I needed an approach this radical, because the staying in the pain and anguish of ‘what happened to me’ was unbearable – I’m just not that good anymore with emotional pain and trying to ‘get on with it’.
So how can we get to the place of accepting this had a higher purpose?
We can do this by embracing radical responsibility. This is the decision and ability to look within ourselves with tenderness, care and support in order to connect the dots as to ‘why’ this happened to us.
When we do this, without shaming and blaming ourselves, incredible shifts start to take place – and we start moving out of victimhood and towards our healing and self-liberation.
So why don’t people naturally do this when they self-reflect?
Where so many people go wrong with ‘connecting the dots’ is being too literal.
Such as: ‘The narcissist has no concern for others. I am NOT that person – I have incredible concern for others.’
What you may not have realised is that the ‘connection’ is not about ‘other people’.
The connection is FIRMLY this: People will treat you how your treat YOURSELF – period.
Therefore the narcissist having no concern for you (or anyone) has nothing to do with how you are treating other people (including the narcissist), it is about how you treat YOURSELF.
Taking responsibility in no way means that you operate like a narcissist – that you have a lack of conscience, empathy, humanity, or morals. What it means is that there is a part of yourself who treats yourself in certain ways which draws and maintains relationships with people who treat you in similar if not identical ways.
This is what Soul Work looks like – it is a deep inner journey (and fascination) to discover how you are in relationship with yourself and how that is manifesting every relationship you experience in your life…
And profoundly co-creating your most significant relationships.
My Biggest Things
We have an opportunity with everything that happens in our life – to either use it as a transformational event to grow, heal and expand, or to hold on to the shame and blame which blocks any possibility of growth and healing.
Before we go through the list of the biggest things that hurt I I want to lead the way here.
It involves sharing with you what the biggest thing was that hurt me in my narcissistic relationship. It was in fact the biggest thing that hurt me in both my narcissistic relationships.
It was this exactly: “At the end of the line your False Self meant more to you than me or our relationship”.
This was my agony…totally.
Of course the lies hurt, the cheating hurt, the financial abuse hurt, the smearing hurt, the false promises hurt, the abuse by proxy hurt – all of it hurt – yet the statement above was the ONE thing that I struggled to let go of.
Because my life’s work personally and professionally involves deep transformation from the inside out, I knew the only way I was going to get past this wound (which kept presented itself over and over again) was to take FULL responsibility for it.
Because of the recovery work I do, the deep metaphysical and Law of Attraction realities I understand, and how I see these consistently apply to healing or non-healing – I knew this was my only answer to heal this wound authentically.
I knew this was not about the narcissists, this was about ‘life’ (through N’s) showing me something that I needed to deeply heal within myself. Something that was so disowned, and something that was so unconscious that it required the whopping great ‘billboard’ of two N’s to smash me over the head to see it.
So in I went – with total self-honesty and total self-ownership…
And this is what I got…
How I Was Treating Myself.
I did not value myself. Everything else was so much more important than me being with myself emotionally and being present with me in my times of need. Because my self-soothing skills were so deficient, I would instead get hooked into attending to the urges of my False Self (unhealed parts) that were activated in times of stress.
Therefore in times of emotional need often my work, cigarettes, or ‘things which needed to be done’ got my attention.
When I REALLY needed myself, rather than showing myself the attention care, value and connection which meant that I truly valued me and was maintaining a healthy relationship with me, I was focused on granting my broken parts (False Self) what they wanted instead.
This is the truth – point blank.
See the match?
It was a huge ‘ah ha’ moment for myself, and incredibly liberating…
Why? Because transformation was then able to deeply and powerfully take place.
My happiness, life and ability to love and be loved was no longer affected by the narcissists in my past abusing me.
That abuse from them had in fact allowed me to finally come home to healing these parts and creating a level of transformation for myself that was totally incredible – one that I couldn’t have ‘seen’ or accessed before this deep inner authentic self-discovery.
This then involved releasing all of the anxieties that kept me hooked into feeding my False Self, and solid intentions which comprised of firm commitments to value, love and partner myself.
Yes it was confrontational, and painful, and it took incredible energy and effort. However, even in amongst this intense self-work the pain was so much less than staying stuck in victimhood with no way out.
The work and my emotions had purpose, they had a goal and they had the hope and promise of transforming my life.
Most powerfully they made my life’s healing mission all about me and not about the narcissist(s).
Not only did this erase the pain of ‘what happened to me’ it led to incredible improvement, empowerment and ‘fullness’ in my life right here, right now.
I hope this has inspired you to release your victimhood and drop into your emotional truth as your read on…
How to Let Go of the Biggest Things That Hurt
So lets’ work through the list of ‘the biggest things’, and I would like to make some suggestions so that you can start claiming the parts of yourself that you can work on, in order to heal and transform your life.
The lies and betrayals
For many people this was the WORST aspect of being narcissistically abused. Narcissists are pathological liars, because that is what people who have created an entire persona based on a False Self do. Liars betray people, because they say one thing and mean another. They feign all sorts of love, care and tenderness to secure agendas whilst doing the actions that state the exact opposite.
The questions to ask in self-refection:
- Did you lie to yourself about what was happening in this relationship?
- Do you lie to yourself about any relationships in your life?
- Did you ignore what your emotions were screaming at you within the abuse, and choose to tell yourself ‘acceptable stories’ instead?
- Did you grow up in a family where members lied, family secrets prevailed, or false appearances were created?
The Transformational Healing:
- Knowing that you can grow to approach relationships through your adult self who does honour, respect and care for yourself, rather than ignoring the warning signs and your emotional signals and stay attached to relationships that represent the unhealed child within you.
- Taking forward the gift of healing unresolved childhood wounds, learning how to speak up, lay boundaries, and knowing that you do not have to tolerate abuse in order to try to be loveable or worthy.
The blaming and deflecting
Being with a narcissist is synonymous with being scapegoated mercilessly for the narcissist’s atrocious behaviour. Many people get hooked into trying to justify, argue and reverse this madness by trying to plead for justice and sanity and make the narcissist accountable.
The questions to ask in self-refection:
- Have you felt guilt and taken the blame in your life previously?
- Have you been very fearful about what other people think of you?
- What truly is the way you think about yourself and your own rights and worthiness?
- What are your levels of self-talk? Are they loving or condemning?
- Are you usually very hard on yourself, and hold very high expectations for yourself?
- Did you grow up in a family where you were not trusted, and even blamed for what went wrong?
The Transformational Healing:
- Knowing that you can learn to heal and release your guilt, ‘feeling wrong’ and feeling responsible for other people.
- Taking forward the gift of reconciling your own feelings of acceptance and worthiness towards yourself, and learning how to love and support yourself rather than being hard on yourself.
Discovering the relationship was never real
This is another huge kicker for people. There are very few things that could damage a person’s self-esteem as profoundly as being made to believe you are ‘the love of someone’s life’ to discover down the track that they never actually loved you, or even cared about you.
In all the years and cases of helping people recover from narcissistic abuse, I acknowledge this as one of the greatest pain points.
The questions to ask in self-refection:
- Do you have a ‘real’ relationship with yourself?
- Do you really love and cherish yourself?
- Do you really commit to yourself, meaning your self-care and your self-emotional support?
- Was your family one which did not include regular displays of love and affection, and did not nurture within you the deep feelings that you were loved?
The Transformational Healing:
- Knowing that your greatest mission in your life is to learn to love and accept yourself – and it was never anyone else’s job, because people can only ever grant you what you are granting yourself.
- Taking forward the gift of healing the wounds that made you believe that you weren’t loveable and acceptable. Doing the work on loving and partnering yourself emotionally and practically to come home to loving and accepting yourself – which will then create relationships with others who have the resources to grant more of the same.
The cruelty of devalue and discard
Narcissists begin relationships with idolisation. They initially ‘treasure’ people as new and exciting sources of narcissistic supply (the relief of escaping their own inner pain), and know flattery is a potent tool to manipulate people with. Because the idealisation was false, the reality of devalue and discard inevitably follows. Often these cycles repeat within the relationship over and over again.
The questions to ask in self-refection:
- How did you devalue and discard your own needs prior to being narcissistically abused?
- Are you your own ‘fair weather friend’, in that you like yourself when things are going well, but you dislike yourself when things are not so good?
- Do you beat yourself up and hurt yourself at the times when you really need your own support?
- What do you do with your own emotional needs when emotional pain strikes? Are you there for yourself, or do you let yourself down?
- Did the messages you received from your family equal you being loved and acceptable when you were appeasing others, and unlovable and unacceptable when you weren’t?
The Transformational Healing:
- Knowing that you can heal the aspects of yourself which are separated from yourself and have NOT been partnering yourself unconditionally.
- Taking forward the gift of healing your wounds that caused you to be conditional with your own levels of self-love and self-acceptance. Learning how to be present and supportive with yourself at all times – knowing this will then create relationships which provide more of the same.
No empathy
It comes as a grave and stunning shock to discover that narcissists are cruel and calculating, and unlike non-narcissistic people don’t pull up when they know they hurt people, but thrive on it instead. It is then that we realise that narcissists are not human by the definition as we know ‘human’ to be.
The questions to ask in self-refection:
- How effectively do you have care or concern for yourself?
- Are you incredibly hard on yourself, or even cruel to yourself when you really need your love and care instead?
- Did your family use punishing tactics to discipline, or did family members engage in self-punishing behaviour?
The Transformational Healing:
- Knowing that you can learn to have incredible empathy, care and concern for yourself, and act accordingly.
- Taking forward the gift of learning how to heal the wounds that are making it difficult for you to have empathy for yourself. Leaving behind all self-destructive or self-abusive tendencies.
Never being good enough for the narcissist
The disorder of narcissism includes the incessant devaluing of others in order to try to make the narcissist feel ‘better’ about him or herself. Being with a narcissist creates ‘walking on broken glass’. You can never be good enough in the narcissist’s eyes to feed the insatiable, never appeased requirements of the False Self adequately. It is an impossible task.
The questions to ask in self-refection:
- Where are you own expectations of yourself unreasonable?
- Do you berate yourself for the things you haven’t done, rather than congratulate yourself for the things you have done?
- Are you never ‘good enough’ to love and accept yourself right here right now?
- Did you family operate through ‘conditional love’, where you never felt ‘good enough’?
The Transformational Healing:
- Knowing that you can learn to love and accept yourself right here right now, regardless of aesthetics, education, career, or any other variable.
- Taking forward the gift of learning how to unconditionally love yourself, and know that you are loveable simply because you exist, and knowing that your lovability and worth is never dependent on external sources.
The infidelity
It is incredibly common for narcissists to be emotionally and sexually unfaithful, and to replace you with another source of narcissistic supply very quickly. This is obviously incredibly painful, especially as narcissists will state ‘whatever you want to hear’ to convince you that they could never behave in such a way. Most narcissists will additionally accuse you of exactly what they are doing.
The questions to ask in self-refection:
- Do you commit yourself to other people to the detriment of your own values and needs?
- How have you sold yourself out even when you know how much it hurts to do so?
- Was adultery a part of your family’s history, or were other people outside the family more important than the family?
The Transformational Healing:
- Knowing that you can learn to commit to yourself, your values, your truth and your needs completely in order to create a life which is aligned with who you really are.
- Taking forward the gift of aligning with your needs and values and establishing a firm committment of loyalty to yourself – knowing this will then create relationships which provide more of the same.
Bringing it All Together
The reason I am granting you this information is for one reason only – to help you move up and out of this emotional pain.
Naturally, initially we are hurt, intensely so. And this is perfectly acceptable – however the real question is: How long do we stay in that agony?
The truth is: we all went through these aspects of intense emotional agony for very serious reasons – so that we could transform our wounds – once and for all.
If we don’t decide to take the transformational opportunity we are going to stay in the agony.
We will believe our life has ended, that there is nothing lovely to ever look forward to again, and we may never recover. We may be too scared to try to trust someone else again, or it is very likely that our unhealed and raw wounds will attract another abuser. Or we may severely distrust someone who isn’t an abuser and sabotage the possibility of a healthy relationship.
We can only experience events and people in life which match our Inner Identity. If we can’t feel a great life as ‘possibility’ and ‘probability’, and have the ease and grace of ‘space’ within us (the absence of core emotional wounds) then this ‘great life’ is outside the realms of what is possible for us.
It only becomes possible for us when we deeply feel and know it is.
I know this article is confrontational, and I know it means we need to really drop the victimhood.
I know how much it can help you, if you are tired of the ongoing pain, and you are ready to go inwards to claim the truth and heal towards your truly real and wonderful life.
I would love to hear how you went answering the questions above and if they helped you with your self-reflection, please let me know in the comments below.
Hi Mel,
This article is one of your best in relation to how it resonates with me. Wow! My answers were yes to just about everything in the past but I do recognise real changes in me in the now. Phew. I had some energy healing work done last week and my therapist said I gave myself no self love or care! I must have been meant to go there as I have been doing just about all your courses and I have come so far with life, friends, family and my business in such a powerful way I never imagined. BUT I have been fixated on all that stuff and not myself. Like you mentioning things you needed to do to distract yourself from you. Straight away I lessened my work load and made healing a priority otherwise I will stay stuck. You really summed up beautifully how the Narcs treated all of us and how it correlates with our treatment of ourselves. No wonder I have attracted less than ideal relationships and have finally got the skill of just letting go before it is too late. Thank you Mel xx
Hi Mel,
As Jane noted ‘You really summed up beautifully how the Narcs treated all of us and how it correlates with our treatment of ourselves.’
It wasn’t that long ago I would have raised all those hurts that have been brought up – along with the fact that I had to take responsibility for my acceptance of what I allowed to happen to me.
I can acknowledge, identify with and understand all the feelings that have been raised but now I am at peace with the experiences that my 37 years of a relationship with a Narcissist brought. I accept that the time spent took me to a place with my children that we could all deal with those experiences and redefining our family unit without the narcissist father and husband. I accept and am grateful because of the lessons learnt and growth my children and I engaged in.
4 years on and I am healing – I know I will be a work in progress for the rest of my life and there will be triggers that arise but that’s OK too.
My challenge now is to believe in me and that I am worthy of a wonderful relationship with a decent, honest and loving man.
They do exist – even at my age. I truly believe that none of this would have happened unless there is something so much better there for me especially after 37 years.
Hi Mel,
I meant to comment on how on target your questions for reflection are. They are the key to healing, growing and being able to let go.
What I love is the way those questions shift thinking from victim to being proactive – taking responsibility for actioning personal healing because we are worth it.
It has taken me 4 years to work through these issues and I believe that has been one of the major keys to moving on – to growing – becoming stronger. Time doesn’t do it on its own. Relationships with a NARC are so destructive that it takes hard and consistent work – which takes time.
Thank you for your insightfulness and the wonderful way you present your knowledge, skills, understandings and methodologies for moving on towards finding love and happiness within.
Hi Emma,
yes it is incredibly empowering when we bring the questions back to ourselves…
There is no power outside of us – (focus on narc) only inside of us (focus back on to transforming ourselves)…
Correct – time is not a healer of narc abuse, the consistent quantities of people who are still shattered decades on is living proof of that.
Additionally peptide addiction to pain and powerless (like all addictions) does not improve over time it becomes a more degenerative self-perpetuating and insidious condition over time – generally needing medication or another addiction to try to escape the pain.
You are so welcome Emma, and that is wonderful that you are focused on your personal growth and transformation as a result of your experience.
Mel xo
My experience was kind of different as far as cheating goes, with the personality disordered person I was involved with. He was not unfaithful and made a big deal at times of letting me know he wouldnt do that, even though im not a real jealeous type. His friend even said he’d never cheat on me, but thats about the only positive as he’d never been married or had a relationship ever, and was an admitted major commitment phone. I was estranged from my husband at the time, and i clung to anything that distracted me and gave me happiness for the moment. He was the lonely bachelor who became addicted to me in a certain way, as i became addicted to him, despite the push and pull off and on nature of it. When it blew up at the end, and almost cost me getting my marriage back, i was treated so shifty it wasnt even human. I was devalued debased gaslighted smeared you name it. Now that im well and stable this is the time to heal more to thrive more. Im going to really work on loving myself and forgiving myself for being so love addicted that I accepted mistreatment by so many people. I know my husband and I share a strong love and bond, and im grateful for that. But I need to do the self love. No one can do that but me. Even though some of the circumstances vary amongst us, you can mistake the ruthless callous contemptuous treatment and the people they recruit. Its classic and unchanging.
Hi Emma,
It is so encouraging to hear from someone who was in a very long term relationship with a narc. I finally divorced after 42 years. I realized that if I stayed with him, it would literally kill me. Sounds so dramatic even as I type it, but in my heart of hearts I know that it is true. As most of us, I truly loved my husband. In my case he wasn’t out and out cruel, but rather subtle and consistent put downs, kind of the drip drip effect along with so many of the other symptoms of narc abuse. Seeing how his narc behavior and my codependency has impacted our children even in their adult years is the hardest aspect to come to terms with. I don’t know howI much progress I would have made if not for Mel’s site. It is so encouraging to hear that you and your children are working through this together!
Hi Jane,
I am so pleased it resonated with you.
Fantastic you so authentically self-reflected because that is where taking your power back truly lies.
There is such a fine line between self-care, self-love and working on ourselves. We need both absolutely – and need to in real time to display self-loving actions…
What I find really powerful is the incorporating of shifting the beliefs re why I didn’t self-soothe, self-care, self-love – and then in real life these aspects are so much EASIER to actually do!
Thank you for your post.
Mel xo
Amazing article
I was involved in a narcissitic relationship for almost 28 years with periods of separation when i couldnt deal with the situation anymore. I was drawn in again in 2011 until Dec 12/Jan 13 when i finally faced up to the truth that this man does not and never did love me based on behaviour and action NOT words.
This acknowledgement really messed with my head but it has shifted me. I think your article is brilliant but even better is how you turn the biggest hurts back to us individually, and while some of your suggestions and considerations are difficult pills to swallow, they are definitely antidotes to the obsessing about the N who is quite happily getting on with their lives. I think looking at , self and how we love and treat ourselves is absolutely key because i have known logically and intellectually, that my actions were not making sense, but emotionally it was if i could not break free, and i still ruminate over the why’s and wherefores.
I am learning to be softer on myself and there is a little annoyance creeping in now, that my being stuck is more time wasted when i have wasted enough already. Turning 50 this year really concentrated my mind, and made me start to see clearly how short life is and how much of my time and energy i had already allowed this man to have, and even ten minutes of thought on him, was more time that he did not deserve. I have worked on healing, read widely, visited therapists was in therapy for a year, and this helped enormously, but still residue of what did i do? and how could he do what he did. This year i have started to look more at myself and the dynamic of my childhood where i was told over and over i was bad, so i subsequently developed a unconscious self that did not believe she was good enough. I was not consciously aware of this limiting belief when i was in the relationship. The first break up in 1999 did make me consider it but i did not go deep enough and do the work. I think attracting a male friend who i could not say was a narcissist but who had other issues nonetheless was a real mirror espcially when he kept repeating why would a woman like you want to spend time with someone like me? I did begin to self reflect as i knew there was validity and truth in what he was saying. As this friendship began to deteriorate with behaviours that were not acceptable, i had to ask myself why was i putting myself in situations were i was being mistreated again. Had the 28 year N relationship not taught me anything, so i cut off from the friend but it was not at the first red flag, perhaps the third. However i still gave myself a pat on the back because i did see clearly that it wasnt about him but about me, specifically about me loving myself, knowing and enforcing my values in my choices and actions, and this situation helped me to reflect that the 28 year N had lied, because i hadn’t loved myself enough to walk away after catching him out in the lies, he had cheated because i hadn’t love myself enough to not give him another chance but to give myself a chance to have a real loving relationship. He had constantly put me down and triggered my not good enough issues,because subconciously i did not feel good enough, and his put downs put me in child mode, i would become disorientated and dizzy if he repeated messages of my mother, but all of it related to my childhood. When he asked me to marry him 15 years in and walked out two months later to be seen out publically with another woman a month or two later, i was devalued and discarded in my mind, because i didn’t love myself enough to know i deserved better than to want someone back who could do this to me instead of imploding because i felt rejected and abandoned by the person i loved just as i had as a child. All of this comes back to me this does not mean i am to blame i am absolutely clear about this, but i do recognise my accountability and responsibility in not giving myself enough self love and self care, that gave the N a fertile stomping ground to display and act out his dysfunction. I too believe my faith in God has helped to sustain me but i do know while i have done some work, there is still more to do, and the focus needs to be on me and my inner self and showing myself love, loving myself, accepting myself, and getting rid of those childhood limiting beliefs, that allowed the N to Con me for so long, because i needed to be loved, because a part of me did not believe i was lovable to the extent i put up with all kinds of unacceptable behaviours to have his love, and he had to accept nothing or do nothing to have mine. Illogical. However, the male friend situation moved me along, and i call him both my bridge from the N and my test.
My bridge because i had stepped out from my self imposed prisoon of fear to explore the possiblity of a relationship with someone of the opposite sex,and i did learn that despite the N i am still a positive loving caring person. My test because he began to test the boundaries with me and i knew i was being loving to myself to walk away. The old me would have been fixated on his needs and issues, and while i did feel empathy for what he was going through i knew adhering to my values and boundaries, and being loving to myself meant i had to walk away.
I believe it is a life times work to continue to heal,and to ensure i do not attract unhealthy and negative relationships.
I found your site last year and is a resource i am also using as part of my healing.
There is still anger on certain days, tears on others, but i acknowledg and accept these feelings as necessary to my journey of wholeness.
This article was like a snapshot of some of the self talk in my head, and seeing it here, reading it and understanding that others are going through, working through, what i have been through does help.
I am ready to be free of the N, no longer believe the lies, don’t have the need for his attention anymore, still have pangs about the other relationship and the other kids he had, but i am working hard to reframe my mind. I can identify with all the biggest hurts, but i really want to create the Biggest Joys in my life now, and not give him and his new life anymore of my thought energy. I will continue to ask for divine intervention to heal, but be gentle enough on myself to know that i am human, and unravelling 20+m plus years of brain washing, smoke screens and lies is not a process that happens overnight. While i have been working on healing for years, i know i have to do the inner work of loving me which is at the root of what happened to me with the N.
Your transformation suggestions will be very beneficial in reframing this negative experience with the N, i am determined to be happy and find joy, and release myself from the depression, anxiety and ill health i have experienced. I do believe that loving myself and believing, accepting and knowing absolutely that i am good enough, will help me transition into the next phase of my life. My 20’s 30’s some of my 40’s, used up my energy with the narc, want my 50’s to be my best years yet. I know this is in my hands and it is up to me.
A very insightful and practical article. Thank you for sharing.
destiny
The thing that hurt me the most, was having him say that he loved me and woo me at the end ,when he saw me moving on. Unlike alot of people ,I never got that before. When he saw that he was giving me hope, he said he was only lying to himself. He wanted us to hang on because he felt comfortable with me. Then he proceeded to insult me calling me a whore and saying he didnt hurt me, I hurt myself. That I knew he would never feel that way about me. He called me psycho pathetic and joined forces with a few mutual friends to smear me. It was real bad. Anyway, Ive come a long long way since then. Im happily married, enjoy my work, feel healthy emotionally and such. This final learning about the inner parts that needed self help is the last and piece of the puzzle. There are some messed up people out there, but we let them in and let it get to that level out of need and fear and not valuing ourselves enough to let go. We had to rely on them for what we should have allready had within.
On reading the issues that attract this sort of problem, I saw two that really jumped out. Basing your self esteem on others opinions and feeling like you will “die” if someone takes their love away and that love is your life. I had a good childhood but was taught to be allways nice and not to feel or express anger. My mother was also hospitalized through out most of my high school years. Maybe its also ,just the way im wired, to be a push over and a love junkie. But I never acted or went off the rails like with the above situation. For a long time I went back and forth on if that person had maybe loved me a little. Now I realize thats my dysfunction talking. What difference does it make, as he didnt want a future with me, and I know I dont want anything to do with a man, who would ever treat a woman like that ,again. Ive cut out all the toxic people ,and now want to work on loving myself ,for me.
Once again you have done it Mel! So straightforward and on point. I will never forget a comment my ex N made when I was in the midst of fighting for fairness in the relationship and was making what I thought was a valid point of him “respecting me”. You see, he was, what later turned out to be smearing and devaluing a woman he was involved with when we met. He discredited everything about her as he elevated me and put me on a pedestal. The comment he made was,”you want to talk about respect when you couldn’t have respected yourself because you got involved with me when I was with someone”. I was livid! But you know, he was right. I didn’t love or respect myself and have since discovered a pattern in all my previous relationships. I was self sacrificing to a fault, very giving I told myself. But it was with a hidden agenda, to procure devotion and love in return. I was a truly codependent mirror of the narcissist. Growing and learning more everyday Melanie. Thanks so much.
Casey, your story is so much like mine, I thought I had written it. Thank you for sharing. I now know that I did not love or respect myself either.
Funny how I never saw him as possibly thinking less of me because I got involved with him. He sucked me in and love bombed me and I fell, true to form, into the role of the “love of my life”…..what he saw was that weakness, that vulnerability and need to love and nurture. He sized me up perfectly before he approached with his tales of woe and what a bitch his woman was, etc. I have learned that anyone who will callously and coldly disrespect someone else to be with you will most assuredly and quite easily do the same to you when your usefulness has been exhausted. That’s the character of the person although it’s hard not to take it personally. Keep striving Tina. God bless.
So, so true that what they will do to someone else, they most certainly will do to you. I met my soon to be ex-husband’s girlfriend about a year ago (she was who I was discarded for). I had no idea of her existence until she orchestrated us meeting. She had been seeing him when we were still together (although she had been told we weren’t) and after 18 months of being with him was starting to see all the red flags and starting to realise a lot of what he said about me was lies. The sad thing is that despite having met me and me having told her what ‘her story’ with him was (pretty well identical to mine) and me pointing out all the stuff she already knew in her heart, she is still hooked and still with him. Even though what he says about me to her is blatant lies and what he said to me about the girlfriend before were the same lies, she is still there, even though she knows it will happen to her.
I would like to think that had someone pointed out all these red flags when I first met him 12 years ago I would have run a mile, but the truth is I would have found a way to rationalise it all away, just like she is doing.
Hi Casey,
Fantastic inner reflection and authenticity…
You are doing fantastically – and that level of self-honesty is your catapult totally into your own empowerment!
You have nailed it – what we all were playing out co-dependently, and at that time we did not know how to do better – now we can.
Well done!
Mel xo
Thank you for the reminder to take responsibility for my own behavior in the relationship, in loving my self and caring for and nurturing the healing of the childhood wounds. I am appreciative of the reminders to not ‘relive’ the abuse.
I am very new to this particular enlightenment, and am still trying to get it all in perspective.
Thank you so much for the tools and the self-reflection.
Hi Kay,
you are very welcome – and you are doing great for someone new to this information..
Truly to start self-reflecting from the get-go does save a great deal of internal pain and ongoing anguish..
You are in a wonderful position that many of us wish we had discovered a lot earlier!
Mel xo
When my eyes were opened to the fact that the one that I thought I loved was in fact a narcissist, I saw him differently, a person who had lied to me constantly, projected onto me all that he was, was unable to take responsibility for anything, blamed me for everything even to him tripping on the footpath, abusive in every way, could not empathise in any way, was callous in the extreme, controlling in the extreme with money, time, friends, you have listed everything I now saw him for what he really was. I put up barriers (I am in my late 70’s) and I saw the pattern of abuse appear – he’d set up a situation to anger me, then never an apology from him, never, but he’d then be all sweet and charming, butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth, till he thought he’d had me in his control, manufacture a situation, and so the circle would go on, but no longer, for I have firmly set boundaries. As well, I have told all and sundry what I have been living with, I had “secrets” when growing up, with my mother demanding that we not say what took place at home, so I was determined that I would not perpetuate this. I have rebuilt my life and now have a large group of close friends for the first time in my life, activities that ensure that I get out regularly, and a successful hobby – do see my web page! We are ships passing in the night, still living in the same house but he no longer has any hold over me. He is so charming when out that so many people are fooled by it – as I was!
My narc would upset one of our children, then ask for my help. Then she would turn the child and herself on me. She knew how to push my buttons and the second I got upset she would point out to everybody how rotten I am.
I fell for that triangulation trick a 1000 times. Now I see it, gee its so simple how she manipulated me.
Betty, your paintings are astounding! Seeing such rich talent from someone who has experienced so much abuse shows me the depth of character that can exist within one person, despite efforts to squelch it. Brava!
You give me hope. Thank you and all the best with your lovely site.
My AHA! moment was we went to counselling (and of course it was all my fault)with our minister. The minister asked for my narc wife to offer a prayer and she immediately began arguing with the minister. AHA! I thought, “I’m not the problem, it is her!”
I noticed evertime I read anything u write its all about me. I also noticed that ones of men I feel like I am deeply in love with are the narcisstic men. I just read the questions and they were all yes. I grew up in a alcoholic environmentand my mom either lived in denial or blamed it all on me,and my stepdad blamed me everyday being drunk,and told me I never be anything ever. I pick men like my drunked stepdad who passed away in 93 of cancer. My mom i thinking is narcisstic to. Thanks for the great info.I am glad to know there are others who battle men like this to other than me.
Hi Dawn,
this is wonderful that you are now connecting the dots..
There is such a huge difference when we move from the blaming and shaming of other people and ourselves to the shift of working out how life has been unfolding through the lens of our inner programming, rather than being delivered to us from the outside.
Then we know that if we shift and heal the inner programming ‘life’ is going to turn up completely differently – because ‘we’ show up differently in life..
You are very welcome Dawn.
Mel xo
Excellent article! The line that stands out for me is the possibility of “severely distrusting someone who isn’t an abuser and sabotages the possibility of a healthy relationship.” My biggest hurt was that the relationship with narcissist was never real. I had been with him for 25 years before I was hit with this truth. He said he loved me, but that was only for the social mileage he got out of me. It was about him & his needs for attention, not about my need for love, caring & empathy. When I needed something from him, that was a complete change in our relationship. He couldn’t give anything to me, and since I wasn’t meeting his needs, I was of no use to him. So now, six years later, I’ve been with a wonderful new man for two months. Since my time with the narcissist I think I’ve done a lot of work and self reflection about my part in the unhealthy relationship. I know I’m coloured from having that experience. It feels so amazing to now be accepted however I feel – happy or sad, and that my voice is heard. I want to work on this new relationship and not sabotage it. Your self reflective questions and transformational healing suggestions really help to reinforce my progress. Thank you!
I was outright paranoid and terrified after leaving my abuser, I thought every woman out there was a potential narc. 4 years later, I’m remarried and happy for the first time in a relationship. I have healed and now I know why I was attracted to narcs, I wanted to “fix” them. Well no more ladies that need fixing in my life ever again.
Hi Shirley,
you are very welcome.,
It will be great for you to feel into what is hurting, what you can release, and what you can shore up (grant to yourself) in regards to the aspects that still feel shaky..
Then it will be so much easier and more solid to receive healthily.
Mel xo
yes this is still helping me to heal Melanie, after 12 years separation from NA. Its taking me a very long time to heal but I am getting there a little step at a time. I had no idea how very deep my hurt was ..but I am grateful to the N. He showed me the extent of my wound, and therefore the exact extent I need to heal.
I am happy and experiencing tremendous growth now as I learn my true value.
I am same Linda – 13 years after separation from NA and going NC with NM in the interim as well. It feels rough to ‘waste’ so much life but also honoring to ourselves to take all the time we need.
I wish you heaps of good things
as a comrad on this road, i want to thank you for that last sentence…learn my true value. Value, I am learning is one of the most beautiful things.
Hi Linda,
thank you for your post..
I am really intuitively drawn to your comment ‘It is taking me a long time to heal’…
Truly that is only a belief that you can release – in order to really claim your wholeness and wellbeing.
Go with it…it doesn’t need to take a ‘long’ time..
In terms of revolutionary healing that can happen -(and does happen) there is no need for it take this long, especially when you start focusing on radical responsbility.
Mel xo
What was my self talk? Every morning I would wake up and wonder: “What will I do wrong today?”
What did I think when I cold here her walking through the house towards me? “Oh gawd, now what did I do?”
She had me believing I was Satan himself and that she was Snow White.
I have no idea how somebody could heal from narcissistic abuse without energy therapy like Melanie uses. I don’t think its possible with conventional therapy, or it would take a lifetime to recover.
Interesting word, confronting.It’s not what I would say about it.
I’ve always looked for the truth and not only do you deliver it, you are encouraging us to look for it within ourselves.
I feel my biggest hurt was the lying and manipulation. And lying is something I did within my family to more or less protect myself most of the time.
The ex was a pro at the lying game. He was lying to his stbx wife, so of course it only stands to reason he’d lie to me too.
Funny you mention cigarettes. I went back to smoking cigs after having more than three years of quit time under my belt.
I hate everything about it but I know it’s been a distraction. And that is not the only way I’ve not been taking care of myself.
I start then fall back again, to little to no exercise, eating more junk than could simply be considered a rare and small treat. I am very sensitive to certain foods and really do need to eat a certain way to feel decent. And I escape into the internet everyday, all day.
I’ve been aware of my self neglect but haven’t cared enough about myself to change it.
So thanks Mel, for writing this. It was a catalyst for me to go within while reading and see much more than I was aware of.Powerful post.
@Casey, what your ex said to you, that hit home for me as well. Thanks for sharing it. I think if I’d been standing up when I read that it would’ve knocked me down.
Hugs to you both.
L
Hi Luann,
very true the truth is within – and it does always set us free…
Great you are seeing what you aren’t providing for yourself..
Now the key is to drop into the pain – the resistance / block / anxiety underneath the non-action..
Then you can nail and release the ‘why’…
Then you will flow into your ‘natural’ state of being that you already are without the distortion – a being who ADORES granting herself love, self-care and respect..
In other words seeing yourself and behaving towards yourself as Source would…
Clear the junk and then you will become ‘her’.
Mel xo
Melanie– What you said about releasing the anxiety and pain is so right on. I see the NA all of the time in a social setting and he has successfully drawn me into a love triangle with a longtime girlfriend of his. He has been going back and forth between us for over a year, and creating stress and competition between the two of us.
I finally said “I’m done” very strongly to him a few weeks ago and went no contact very solidly. I see him frequently but I am no longer going to have any kind of relationship with him out of pure respect for myself. He told me recently -after some very bad behavior -that he knew I would forgive him eventually “since it is your nature” and everything would be fine. Something clicked and that was it– I realized that he believes he can treat me like garbage without consequence– and it was my fault that he believes this. I had gone back to him again and he knew he had me.
I can’t believe how effective it has been for him to create this competition between me and another women in order to put himself at the center of attention. I FINALLY realized that I had to take responsibility for my role in this and say no more.
Now that I have put myself first and have solidly decided no more, the task is to give up the ruminating about how foolish I was …..and the grieving about the fact that he isn’t anything like who he presented himself to be.
Melanie your work has helped me through the dark dark hours of the last year. I thank you so much for what you are doing.
You can really get taken advantage of because of being very forgiving now days. Thats why, now when some people tell me that I need to forgive the people who triangulated me; I cant even entertain the thought . Because of all the times I had allready extended forgiveness to those people and it was just abused and used as a sign of weakness. So ive become more stingey with my forgiveness and its only reserved for those who deserve it in my mind. No more being a push over and apolgizing and bending over backwards to see things from the other persons eyes. Its my reality that matters now and I trust my judgement.
Melanie, I think you’d appreciate my take on the subject: I volunteer at a horse facility where I’m forced to “take a stand” or else, ha. Even though I’m a long-time horse owner, I still got the willies when I first started — and became very aware how skittish I felt on the Inside, as though I wasn’t quite Whole. The only way to cure this has been to work on myself — as you can bet the horses aren’t going to get any smaller, or any slower — and as the weeks went by, I got better, and stronger, and more of Myself than I have been in a long time. Hmm, what a coincidence! — I was married to my narc for 30 years, and he continues to threaten and complain how terribly I screwed up his life. Next to him, the horses are easy — rational — humane — and SO much prettier, too. 🙂
Hi Kathy,
yes absolutely horses reflect back to you ‘who you are being’…
Just like narcs, but no-where near as brutally!
Mel xo
My biggest pain is the fact he keeps my child away fron me. It hurts to live without my son on a daily basis and it hurts even more when he even lures him away on the rare occasions that he is with me. I don’t understand that this is not on your list of worst experiences. I can’t imagine that I am the only mother suffering this pain. And I haven’t find an answer. It just hurts big time and all I can do is comfort myself during the pain and creating a life for myself. Do you have any tips to live without your own child and not being able to protect him from narcissistic harm? No matter how much I dance, massage, have fun, interact with others, this hole in my life is making me feel like a helpless victim with no control whatsoever. Which ofcourse I don’t want.
Hi Sandra – This is without doubt the very worst experience that no one else understands. I was dealing with NA separation when my son’s father (another NA that I got away from) got him away from me in Canada and into the US by lying to court outrageously. I lost my house paying lawyers bills to get visitation and he simply refused when I showed up. WOrst of all he blocked my calls, mails, gifts and told my son “See the whore is off with some guy and doesnt care about you”
Its a very very difficult this to come back from – I wrote a book (took me 12 years as it kept retraumatizing me, only finished it since Mel’s therapy)and what kep me going was to know that whatever happened to me (becuase I often considered doing something to me to get away from that unbearable loss) there would be a record.
Now we know more about theta brainwaves, children are taping everything as real p to 8 yrs old and its tough to counteract those lies once they are older.
To comfort yourself a little, could you write or record a video of the realities – not to force on your son as this might garner hostility, but for him to get when he’s ready to hear the truth,
Also remember that now with quantum physics, time does not exist. Reading the books Mel has talked about, I now send love out to my son in every time, including the past when he suffered so brutally the split inflicted by being kidnapped from his mom
BLessings
Blessings
Hi Sandra. I can relate to the pain that having your child torn away can bring. When my daughter was little and the court ordered that she had to go to her father every Wednesday night and every second weekend from the time that she was 18 months old, it was extremely difficult. The environment that her father provided was unsafe and I felt anxious about how she was faring every time she went. One thing that helped back then was a therapist who said to me that I had to trust that he loved her sufficiently and that she would be ok with him and also because of the stable environment I provided. She suggested that every time I thought about him, I was giving him energy and that I should really learn to care for myself and use the time away from my daughter to enjoy and to focus on me and my own nurturing. It took quite some time to learn how to do this, but after a year or so, I began to cherish this time out from single parenting, which is so exhausting. He maligned me to our child for her entire childhood and told her lies. I had no way of defending myself and did not think it appropriate to discuss this with her since she was a child. All I could do was make sure that her time with me was completely hers and mine, separate from that with her father and to keep the focus on her and me. I lost her at age 19 though because her father had always lied about me, gave her a lot of material possessions and money and when she was 19 she and I were quite conflicted. My mother colluded with her father and she chose to believe both of them. I have done my best to keep the door of our relationship open and to make contact and it is 5 years now and she is just starting to come back. It has been excruciating to just know that I am not all the things that he and my mother have told her. I trust all the solid and nurturing love that she received as she was growing up and I can see the results of that in her as a young woman. She is managing to create a wonderful life for herself and is whole. Only I know what her father is like from an adult perspective. She only knows him as her father. He was very destructive as she grew up and she often did not want to go with him. I think that because she wants a dad, she is in denial about all of what happened in her childhood as regards him and will one day have to come to terms with that. The only thing that I have been able to do that helps is to focus on my own healing and in doing that, she will also heal because she is my child and healing is energetic. No matter how much we love our kids, our focus must be on healing our own lives. The first three years were agonising, but also the way in to heal what needed to be healed in me. It is a huge wrench when other parents happily parent their children without fear and our parenting is so not like that. The main thing to do is to keep your focus on your healing, be very loving when your son is with you and make the most of your time together. Remember, he will one day be grown up and will choose where he goes and with whom he wants to spend his time. If you are a wonderful person with whom to be, he will remember that when he is old enough to make his own decisions. Keep healing and keep visualising you and him enjoying each other’s company. Work with the pain that keeps coming up and take it to a module and eventually you will work through this. It will take time, but if I could do it, so can you as have many other parents facing similar situations. Remember to give yourself a lot of self-care too, especially when you are in a lot of pain.
Suzanne, your story came at a time I really needed it. I thought I was the only one in this situation and I have been reading everything Melanie has written hoping to read something about this subject. I have 2 children with my ex-Narc and 1 with my current husband who is wonderful and the complete opposite. My oldest daughter has always had a hard time going back & forth between us. 3 1/2 years ago she got jealous that I bought her brother something, caused an argument and went to live with her dad. He sued me for custody and lost. She was sent back 4 months later at age 15. We seemed to be getting along perfectly and soon after she stopped talking to her dad for 1 1/2 years. She found he was trying to control her every weekend and keep her from her friends. My son continued to go back and forth for visitation. After all that time of not seeing him, right before she was about to choose a college and right after her 18th birthday, she picked a fight with me out of the blue, confessed some outrageous behavior and I drove her to her dad’s at her demand. She said she would come back after the weekend. As soon as she got there, he took her inside, slammed the door in my face and then he got her a new phone, bought her a really nice car, blocked my phone number and all of her relatives numbers and convinced her to go to the cheapest community college and give up the acceptances to several great schools (so he wouldn’t have to pay for an expensive college). It’s been 8 months, we were blocked from her graduation, she hasn’t seen her grandmother her sister or anyone and I cry every day. I’ve been divorced from him for 10 years, have a good life, but the pain of not having my daughter in my life is too much to bear. How did you get through it? I’ve sent emails and texts. The Narc took me back to court to cut his support (in NJ it continues through college) and got everything he wanted. Her 7 year old sister misses her dearly and her grandmother has been blocked as well. My son goes there every other weekend and won’t get in the middle. He stays neutral and won’t talk about her or his dad at all. I’m trying to send good vibrations but this child and I were inseparable. We went to movies, sushi, concerts etc. She didn’t like that I had rules and didn’t want her being sexually active but I was only trying to protect her. Any further input would be so appreciated. I can’t believe you went through the same thing at a similar age with your daughter.
My daughter is now 25 and in 5 years I have only seen her a few times. In the beginning, I felt as if I had been hit by a truck and I could barely function. I was fortunate to be able to access good counselling and an agency that specialises in re-uniting children and parents. They were wonderful. I learned that as older teens are trying to establish their adult identities, they sometimes set up a fight and work towards that over some time. For my daughter, she worked towards that for one year. When I confronted her about her lack of contribution in the home, her response was to say “Get over it Mum. You know that nothing is going to change.” She and I had share a very special bond and were very close during her growing up years and there was a lot of love between us. However, sometimes, especially if the child is an only child (Chloe has a half-brother with whom she is very close), it is very challenging to work out who you are. I think that she set up this conflict so that she could go and work this out. I am now convinced about this. She also will have a lot of confusion and cognitive dissonance about her father and she also saw a lot of how he acted towards me as she was growing up. I did my best to stay focussed on me but his actions and words were reprehansible and I had to keep working with my feelings in therapy so that they were not taken out on her and so that I could keep our home life stable and happy. It was! We had no money but I learned to make and do a lot of things and arrange for her to have drama and dance classes, amongst other enriching life experiences so that she would have lots of rich experiences from her childhood that she could use as an adult. She always was able to express herself fully too. I went back to uni and got my teaching degree when she was a young child and she has a model of a woman who is resourceful and determined. I learned when she left, that although I had given to her freely and lovingly and not neglected myself, that along the way, I had become someone else and through all those years of single parenting, I had lost my way. I then set about growing and learning who I now was and now my life is very rich and although I love her dearly, my focus is on me and my life more than ever. That is how it has to always be. Children are only lent to us for a brief time and we are the ones who are with us forever. After she left I could not touch her room for a year. I have now taken over that room and it is currently my bedroom. My ex-boyfriend and I shared the master bedroom during our relationship until the bedbugs got the best of us (another story). The grief and pain was almost unbearable at times and lasted for around 3 years. During that time I made faltering steps, took up cycling and now ride with a peloton. I bought a convertible and had fun with that for a year and a half just for the experience. It was so much fun! I took up dancing salsa and photography and am slowly finding other things about which I am passionate. It is as though I am 18 again but living with full consciousness now and making up for lost time. Another thing I discovered was a love of Chinese antiques and spent about a year buying pieces (on layby and now have 19 pieces) because that is me too. I am in a constant process of discovery. Just prior to my daughter leaving home, I finally bought a home that I still live in and love very much. My daughter hated being so far away from where she grew up (it is not that far but to her it was and she had a car so could easily get where she wanted to go). My mother lives where my daughter loved to live and invited her to live with her. My daughter jumped at the chance. That is a whole other story! Anyway, after three years, I felt so much better and had kept reaching out to my daughter who kept not responding. It was SOOOOOOOO painful and many times I felt like giving up on her. To keep reaching out and having no response was agonising. So I simply made contact when I felt strong enough and left it alone at other times. Interestingly, she is now turning around as a young adult and recently she invited me to share breakfast that she prepared for me and we had a visit just with her and me at her home. She has grown into a beautiful young woman and has just finished her second uni degree and will commence her teaching career soon. She has given her first Art exhibition too. One thing about her and me is that we are very similar and that is another reason why her separation may have been difficult for her. All kids have to separate from their parents and many choose creative and painful ways to do it. They are thinking of their own lives, not on the impact that it has on us. I am sure that I was the same when I was her age. She still sees her dad every week and he takes her out for dinner and still supplies her with material things that I cannot compete with and do not try to do. So, I am actually more than fine and my life continues to expand. Now, whatever my daughter is doing is not in my consciousness all the time and the pain is mostly healed. I am reminded that although I gave birth to her, I am the one with whom I will share my life forever. My suggestion would be to take all your pain to NARP modules and ask Melanie which ones; I think there is one on parents and children. Be diligent in your self-care and self-talk and do everything to make your life as full and as interesting for you as possible. Develop friendships and hobbies and things that nourish. Keep your focus on you and your healing and you wil get through this. If I can, you can too. Hope this helps.
Sandra–this also is my worst pain. I always knew that when I left he would turn my daughter against me and he has. All the years I stayed and tried to protect her from him,he won in the end anyway.My therapist tells me she may come back–she may unlearn what she has been taught by him but at 27 I am not sure. She is so much like him dispite my trying to make her a good person that i wonder. My saving grace in all of this is accepting that I can not change them–I have to change myself. My version is: the boat was sinking and my husband couldn’t swim–he had me firmly by the neck pulling me under and as we both began to drown I pried his hands loose and SAVED MYSELF. Youc an save yourself also!
Hi Sandra,
with all agony in regard to narcs it comes back to self.
The list I provided was the MAIN things people posted.
Yes absolutely this is a horrific part of narc abuse when children are involved.
After working with so many people – including many, many parents – the recovery and results are all consistent with changing and empowering ourselves..
Re your children, have you self-reflected about his lack of respect re the children. How are you respecting yourself? Have you created boundaries and parenting plans and confronted the need to create that boundary? Where in your life previously did you let other people make all the decisions for you and did not know how to stand up for your rights?
Have you started the deep inner healing on yourself? There are so many parents on NARP who once they do the inner work on themselves have the best possible outcomes (often out of the blue) that they could have ever imagined with their children.
In order to heal what we feel and what is happening with our children – there is only once place to ever focus on – and that is working on healing ourselves – THEN what we want starts falling into place, but only when we take responsibility for healing our deep inner wound that the narcissist is pushing us so painfully to transform, and heal and grow as a result of.
Mel xo
I wrote this a while back and this article/the comments made me remember it. Maybe some of you can relate :).
Mirror girls
Little mirror girls, every day
Hiding your ocean souls away
So eager to be just a shiny thing
for your pirate to love his reflection in
There you are, decorating his wall
Believing the story, as do they all,
this precious dream, that YOU’re different to
his scores of mirrors just like you
Shining so hard, trying not to see that
it never was you, he was looking at;
And every word to you on that shelf,
kind or cruel, he only said to himself
Trying to fill his black with your blue
Letting his void suck the ocean from you
‘till under that shiny glass, soon you’ll be
a wasteland as tortured and empty as he
Giving too much and enduring much more,
you’ll learn, if you’re very lucky, before
that day, when there’s nothing left to give:
You cannot love a void and live
oh wow… awesome poem!
Hi Liv,
what a fabulous poem, and so apt!
Thank you for sharing with the community!
Mel xo
This is so very beautiful and accurate, Liv. I can certainly relate. Thank you for sharing. Keep writing!
Liv….that is a very powerful poem…filled to the brim with truth…thank you for sharing this with us all xxoo
This is a great article, but I think there is confusion between a Narcissist and a Sociopath. Narcissists have a conscience, Sociopaths don’t. The mind games and lies you describe are typical traits of sociopathy, not narcissism alone.
Hi Maxi,
what part of narcissism did I miss – that they have a conscience?
That is totally news to me – and probably nearly every researcher, and ‘expert’ of narcissists.
False Selves do not have consciences..they do whatever it takes to feed the need for significance.
Mel xo
Hi I was a bit confused to the same that Narcs do have some conscience and Sociopaths don’t that’s my experience with a father who was for sure a narc which seemed to only come out after drinking.a Sociopath lacks empathy and cold ..left mine a year ago after nearly two years lots of gaslighting and manipulation felt I was loosing myself and on a rollercoaster ride I feel I was just fresh money to him has he had no job
its only once you get hooked in you start to see the red flags I felt all my being was sucked out of me I think he was already on the look for another victim has I started to confront and challenge has I knew that it wasn’t me they are cold souls I am thankful for these sites and to know u are not alone
I just wish this was around when my mother was with her narc I had my day of reckoning with my father but he really didn’t have my heart it was easier to let go .
Thankyou
Wow Mel,
What a powerful blog. You truly are a gift to all of us. All of your work points in the same direction- inward, yet fear of what we will find inside is almost as confronting as facing the truth about the narcs untrue love. Thanku for the kick that says ‘get your focus off the narc and go and do the hard work on yourself to find the healing that you seek’ . sometimes it’s easier to sit in the pain of the narcs memories than inflict the pain on yourself that you know is needed to face and release (in my case, many) internal wounds. Finding you gives me the courage to try x ps love the poem above.
Hi Mel,
yes the real work is inwards – because there is no-where else to go..
None of us can change anything other than ourselves…it is not possible and it is not where life happens ‘to’ us.
Yes it is pain when we turn inwards – but it sets us free, releases us for the pain, and stops the ongoing pain of living in the illusion that it was from ‘the outside’…where we have absolutely no power to draw on to create changes in our lives.
Mel xo
Narcissists do not have a conscience. They are not capable of feeling empathy. To feel empathy, you must have a conscience, ergo, no conscience.
Hi Sandra,
Although I am not in same situation, I feel your pain. Why can’t you have primary custody and him only every second weekend?
One thing I want to say to give you a little peace of mind, it helped when I was caring for someone elses children, 2 of them in fact from birth to almost school age. It used to kill me to have to hand them back to their narcissistic mum at the end of the day but a few years down the track they have toughened up and have developed their own strategies for dealing with her..as their dad is like you, a loving caring parent. And here is the thing; if you have any belief or knowledge of the afterlife and spiritual world you know for sure that your little guy would have looked down before he was born and KNOWN the challenges which lay ahead of him. AND there is no way he would have incarnated into this life if he didn’t think he could deal with them/his dad. He may have very well said well because I am going to be given such a wonderful mother I can do it despite my father and I will use what my father dishes out to make me a stronger and more resilient human being better prepared for the challenges I must face ahead in order to fulfill my destiny which has been planned for me, whatever that is going to be. I will never forget my mother who is always such a contrast to my father and I know which I would rather be.
This is the thinking which got me through.
Great reply and perspective Karen. This helps me in dealing with my children’s narc father. Even after 9 years of divorce and limited contact, I still worry about the effects of his narc. behavior. Your perspective is so helpful and gives me a lot of comfort.
In my life walk I am just starting to really see how my childhood put my in a place to be a victim of narcissists. I am just starting to get to the point where this blog is taking us. I am still trying to wrap my head around how narcs think so differently. I have believed his lies for so long and the lies I’ve told myself. Standing up for myself has always been the hardest thing in the world. I am scared to move on, scared of the potential of being a victim again and scared that I may find out there is no one out there for me.
Hi Virginia,
I know that it can feel really overwhelming thinking about ‘how can I get it right’.
There is a great deal more personal power in ‘how can I get myself right’ (and life will reflect that back) rather than ‘I hope life will treat me right, even though it never has before’.
It all starts to make sense when we stop looking at the narc – trying to fathom the humanely unfathomable – and work with what can and does make sense – our own inner programming.
Which does makes sense because THAT can transform.
Mel xo
Wow! This article is like a ‘candle’ in a cave. It helps all of us look at ourselves, question our actions and gives us all ways to grow and to learn from our experiences. For me personally it hit home at a very crucial time. Thank you for all you do to help the ‘abused’ heal.
Hi Bonnie,
great this has shed extra light and personal power for you!
Mel xo
I recently saw this somewhere and loved it – it is soooo true:
“If someone treats you like crap, just remember there is something wrong with them, not you. Normal people don’t go around destroying other human beings.”
Yes, thank you for that. It’s very true.
Wow…I cannot tell you, Melanie, how timely this article is-it’s like the universe trying to let me know all will be okay. My husband (2nd) and I have been having big problems due to his infidelity and lies and betrayals. Yesterday, I discovered more lies and betrayals and I went to the most despondent place I had been to in a long time. It felt truly horrible about myself and I didn’t think I could get out of it (if only for 24 hours) until I read this piece. It is everything I have been trying to take responsibility for, and everything he has done to me.
By the way, I went through the exact thing in my 1st marriage and stayed for way too long to protect my children.
When everything went down w/ my current husband in June, (discovery of huge financial debt/mismanagement and infidelity) after years of suspicion and stress that threw me into an MS episode and forced me to take medical leave I knew right then and there that I was choosing the wrong partners due to my total lack of self-worth and dysfunctional family. In August, I googled narcissistic parental abuse (how I even knew how to google that, is completely unknown to me), and I realized I had FINALLY gotten to the root of ALL of my relationships. Again, I was serendipitously led to your website, and I have been reading all of your articles over and over again, doing the 11/11 excercise and participating in your radio show and videos. It has done more for my understanding of myself than the 6 years of therapy I have been through.
I don’t know how things will end up. He is going to Alanon 2x a week, meeting w/ a sponsor 1x wk, and going to therapy. Still, he is completely resistant to taking responsibility, although he claims to be ‘sorry’. As I have learned and practiced unconditional love with myself and detached from his crap, his behavior has only gotten worse. I don’t hold much hope for our relationship, but I am not going to leave simply because he is bullying me. I’m staying the course and learning to protect myself both financially and emotionally by accepting responsibility for MY stuff and dealing with it at a core level. It’s exhausting, but I have such a new respect for myself and for the first time since I married him, I am gaining true happiness. Thank you!
Hi Sherry,
I am so glad the information is helping…
I really do have to say this though…Why should life have to be ‘that’ hard?
In order to live your daily life you have to protect yourself and have such intense boundaries? That is not living.
You won’t leave because of him bullying?
What your leaving would be about, would be to have a narc free life, where you can be yourself, and you don’t have the possibility of adultery, lies and abuse happening again.
Which they will…
Anyone who does not take responsibility is a total re-offender – point blank – WITHOUT exception.
And leaving needs to be about – so that you can have a life of loving, cherishing and respecting yourself and attracting and allowing more people in your life who have the healthy resources to do the same – because you stand for what you believe in for yourself – and NO less.
Sherri, MS is a serious wakeup call..How much more do you need?
Mel xo
I think I have in some sick way, liked feeling like crap. Feeling pain is better than not feeling at all.I am however beginning to feel real love in my core, and I like that much better. The more that good stuff grows the less time and space I have for the other.But not from denial….very important distinction…so much grey in life, I am learning to have all my emotions and to manage all of it.
Hi Ruth,
so true…
Many, many people get addicted to pain so that they can feel ‘alive’…
Mel xo
Melanie,
I am grateful every day for having come across your website a year ago this month. It’s been five months since I told my ex we should no longer communicate. In April, I was literally losing my mind with his mind games and it was beginning to affect my physical well being. I have two teen boys and I knew if I had not been able to fight for myself, then I had to fight for them. Two months after the May break-up I learned he was engaged to another woman. The years of waiting for him, listening to his words this past February/March “I am going to marry you” only to learn he quickly rebounded to someone else (mostly likely had actually been talking to this woman already). He took me to look at wedding rings this March. He used to say I was it for him and that our love would overcome all we had faced because all we did was sacrifice for our kids’ happiness (his are grown). Prior to learning of the engagement he posted on FB “Love wins, eventually” referring to his new woman. He used the same term of endearment on her that he used to say to me. Narcissists are so good at their game. Along with all of the things you listed above Melanie, that are hard to deal, with is one more thing, the urge to call them out on their lies and manipulation, but you can’t because no one cares or they won’t believe you. They’ve already set themselves up nicely to the next victim, their family, their friends. The projection was so hard to swallow but I’ve finally been able to release that pain. I know all of this happened for a reason and I will take the wisdom gained and will wait for the healthy and loving relationship when the time is right. I enjoy reading your articles. Thank you 🙂
Hi SA,
I am so glad the information helped..
Keep self-reflecting and healing – it is all a profound journey of ‘self’ absolutely.
Mel xo
Melanie, I have been reading your posts for quite some time now. I realized I have never thanked you. You are an angel to many people. You have given me strength and wisdom and insights many times. Thank you. You are helping more people than you will ever know. This is one of your most valuable posts ever. THANK YOU!!!
Hi Kim,
awww that is soooo sweet!
Thank you 🙂
Bless!
Mel xo
Hi Mel,
I’m in the middle of a awful battle with my narcissist. He is accusing me of all the things he is doing and writing to may attorney the reasons he will not pay for support. I have no job and no family in the US and I’m very scared.
Anyway I thing you hit the nail on the head about attracting this relationship because of the lack of love and support toward myself. I’ve never learned to take care of myself completely. I married at a very young age with my first Narcissist bipolar mess and the second I met as I separated from the other. I thought he was too good to be true. I would say he is an Altruistic Narcissist as he was kind and loving until the end or almost. I always felt unhappy emotionally in the relationship. it was a feeling but I blamed it on myself. I too like you feel that the most hardest to get over is the fact that he cared more about this false persona he had created than he did about me.
He is causing me considerable stress financially right now and threatening me to press charges against me for something I didn’t do. How do we respond to these a narcissist in financial and legal matters? Thanks I could use the help right now as I am in Europe with family while dealing with this. Thank you for informative article.
Hi Lina,
I LOVE it so much when people no matter how downtrodden, scared and powerless they feel – self-reflect and take their power back with radical responsibility…
This is HUGE, and you show great courage and fortitude to do so.
This is the magical key Lina – when you clean up the ‘not looking after myself’ inner beliefs, and your old fear and pain – ‘life’ as per the narcissist will not need to keep kicking you anymore – showing it to you.
If you have any way you can, download NARP and work Module 1 and 8 repeatedly – then truly ‘through you’ you will ‘know’ what to do – the right answers, people, situations all become cooperative components when you clean up the inner.
That’s the miracle of what happens when we do…
Truly..
This is why Lina there is NO practical solution I can EVER grant anyone when their inner vibration is still in pain and fear… because ‘positive result’ is not a match – it doesn’t work..
Life and the narc simply continue to deliver the ‘match’ for the inner powerless belief systems.
This is why BEFORE trying to do anything clean up the ‘inner’ then the ‘doing’ will be empowered and match and attract the results you seek.
Make sense?
Mel xo
Hi Melanie,
I have been following your posts for some time,and find them very helpful in dealing with a Narc. I finally came to the conclusion that I’m not crazy. Thank you so much for your insight and guidance.
Hi Debra,
you are very welcome 🙂
Mel xo
Melanie,
Your website has been my savior. I had no idea my ex was a narcissist until I read all about it! If the definition of a narcissist had 25 things , I think he had 29 of them! No mistake on my numbers..LOL. thankyou so much for all of your insight..it has made me so much stronger. I’m doing awesome with the no contact..and I feel free.
Hi Staci,
yes many people tick a great deal of the list – and then some!
Make sure you look inwards too – because then your real answers to never go down that track again will be revealed!
Mel xo
Hi Mel. I hadn’t actually thought about the tangent of my own false self but this is true. So many times I have distracted myself when I would have served myself better by doing internal work to release pain. It has been easier to avoid by doing things like watching TV, eating, going out to avoid feelings ( I always feel temporarily better. (Now I am staying with the painful feelings a lot more and am not going anywhere in the outside world to distract myself). I think I did this out of fear that I would disappear or degenerate into severe depression if I did not hold the feelings at bay. I was no victim in my last relationship and used it consciously to learn. However, I wanted something from my ex-boyfriend that I was not prepared to give myself. I chose to stay where it was painful with him because I wanted to keep him in the hope that he might eventually become more loving. I never did anything to get him to change and I did express my hurt and create boundaries that he always walked over and through endlessly. I now know that a true boundary protects me and NC is the one I needed with him and did not do until I felt as if I was beginning to disintegrate. Sad for me that I allowed it to get to that! I am now giving myself the care that I gave him. It is true that I am frequently hard on myself and do not give myself the recognition that I deserve. I have achieved many things in my life and never really stop to reflect on what I do and have done, and give myself the recognition. Perhaps it is time to change that and start to value what I have done for myself. In fact, I have worked very hard to get to this point in my life to work through so much to get here. I am actually a very courageous woman and I have never given up on myself even when I could have many, many times during my life. I did not lie to myself during the course of this relationship, but I certainly used my ex-boyfriend’s hands, words, actions, betrayals, lies and cheating to hurt myself. By allowing myself to continue to allow what he was doing in my life, that was as good as doing it to myself. I was not supporting myself. Had I been doing that, I would not have allowed myself to relate with him after the first time I was at his home and saw him consume the better part of a bottle of vodka. I chose to stay. Each time he did something I found hurtful, I found excuses to continue with the relationship instead of finishing it. I offered him care and attention to the detriment of myself and I gave it because I could. I only stopped when I eventually became exhausted and started feeling very resentful. I allowed him to do things and me to do things that I would not tolerate in any of my other friendships. I looked to him to provide what he could not provide in terms of affection, excitement, a shared life and other things. I had a fantasy of us creating a life together that would work. It always felt so empty though. I can remember saying to him that when I was with him I felt so disconnected and like being with a wall. He would say “But I am spending all this time with you.” True, but he was empty and I was disconnected from myself in some ways. He was physically present but not there emotionally at all. Now I understand that this would have been impossible for him since he is not emotionally present with himself. How could it be otherwise! It would have been better to have been in my home just by myself. It was emptier with him here than on my own. So now, I am wanting to be at home with myself and I am. I am not wanting to be a lot with other people and still feel like I am in no-man’s land. There are still many old beliefs coming up to heal. I wonder if I will be alone forever. At this point, it is enough for me to take full care of me. I am still grieving and feeling very sad at times and am working the modules too. Co-existing with this, I am also contented and happy. I am like some sort of yo-yo and have not got a balance yet. I do want a partner to share my life with eventually, but seem to be moving more people and situations out of my life that do not match me. So, I wonder how I will ever get to a point where I am what I am wanting in a partner. I am not even sure that a person exists who I will feel safe with and attracted to. I think it is possible, but out of the realm of my knowing at present. Until that time, I am simply going to make my life as healed and happy as I possibly can. Thank for this week’s article.
Hi Suzanne,
this is wonderful that you have picked up soooo many keys to zero in on and heal…
Fantastic stuff, you are healing so much – and doing really, really well..
So much of your stuff has been incredibly similar to mine!!
Just keep focusing on you for now – let the partner thing go for now…truly…but you won’t need to for long..
Shore up these things within yourself, and then go into those limiting beliefs about ‘love’..
Does he exist?
I have to be perfect to match him’, and every other block, pain and fear you have about ‘him’ and ‘love’..
But for now it is really important for you to anchor in being, whole, happy and content – durably…
You need to get to the place of ‘The present moment and myself is enough…’
Mel xo
Thank you so much Mel for your comforting words. I am glad that I have got to the place where I am not simply healing and learning to be more fully with myself. It is more restful. My cat is a good companion too. She loves me and is simply herself. I have now begun to eat more living food and am exploring that because I think that brain and body food that is living will also help. You are right that I need to anchor fully into being whole, happy and content so that it is as solid as a rock. I had a win yesterday that gives me hope. I had a projection come up about being excluded and knew that I had issues around feeling deeply rejected. I took it to my kinesiology session yesterday and I was correct. I was conscious of that old belief and it was at the point of dissolving. I am wondering if there is a module on NARP that I can use to clear those self-limiting beliefs about being perfect in order to have love and other negative beliefs about love? I need to heal those beliefs so that I can feel comfortable in my own skin. Thank you so much once again from me for being there to encourage and assist me and others to heal and become more empowered. I am very thankful that I encountered you and your work. A friend of mine has MS and I have referred her to your website. She is involved with someone who it appears is a N. I would so love her to be healed from MS.
Hi Suzanne,
You’re welcome…
the goal setting Module in NARP (you should have if not email me)is a great all purpose MP3 to use.
Set the goal “I am enough – I am loveable and acceptable as I am right here, right now”…and then clear, clear, clear all resistance that comes up to challenge that goal from being a 10/10…
This is GREAT – that is SO what you need to heal. I relate totally – I used to have that running constantly – ‘There is something I have to fix, be or do in order to be worthy and acceptable..’
That is such a painful illusion to have driving your inner!
Mel xo
Thanks Mel. I will do that. I had an interesting thing happen yesterday. My dance teacher has suddenly focussed his eagle eyes on me and I would rather disappear lol. I hate it when I feel so vulnerable and all my shortcomings are exposed. I have this thing where I don’t want to be a lot of work for someone and when they take the time to work with me, I feel as if I have to correct the problem quickly in order for them not to give up on me. So I will take that to the goal setting module too. The interesting thing though is that what he is working on with me is my balance followed by connection. Interesting that my body is presenting exactly what is going on with me and showing on the inside. Simon won’t let me escape with anything less than sorting it out and I realise that I am being taken deeper into what is inside me more than ever. The body does not lie. I am having to accept myself and I have been given Simon to do it lol. That is another reason why dancing salsa is so good for me ha ha.
Thanks Melanie, My Xn is so vicious and evil I never thought such human beings existed.In fact after 29years with him, he is consistently leveraging the children against me and he sure does his leveraging well, he is good at his evil doing, as he is all his life at it. Is there any help for the children of those vampires. Is there any way that information and contact can be made through the schools, support groups so as to explain that those mom’s are isolated in order to create pain and for the N to get his kicks from every act of control
Hi Maureen,
all narcs are vicious…and sub-human in the way they behave.
To help your children – heal yourself – period.
To create a healthier and more solid experience with what is happening to you and your children – please understand you can only change your experience through first changing how you FEEL about your experience – and THEN your experience will change.
Getting information out to anything or anyone outside of you will not make one scrap of difference.
Your power is INSIDE you and that is what this article is about – and that is where you need to go to get a change to occur.
The total feeling of powerless is the NOT knowing this – and NOT going there to do it.
Mel xo
About: “changing how I feel about an experience” when the experience is horrific – if a mother feels bad about the children’s experience because the experience is bad, how can it become good if the reality is all their life they will have to deal with a N father? they can’t have no contact. the experience with him can’t be a good experience for them, not matter how she feels about it…
Hi Mel, I have been following your blogs for quite awhile now. I have been in therapy for 2 years to try and heal and move on. All of this rings so loud for me and your biggest fear was and is mine. I am reaching points within myself to heal and although have been separated from my narcissist, have officially tried to legally divorce, instill come back to this combined with his visions for us again, ones he never put into action. The lies, multiple affair partners, blame, projections, it has been a 5 year battle. I really want to get to the point where I let go completely, and challenge myself daily as to why I stay and it comes down to yours and mine biggest hang up. His agendas, the way he has treated the kids and I have been pure awful. It was the best decision ever to ask him to leave to work on himself and give me time to heal from it all. I healed and am a much stronger and better me by the day, he claims he has, but still has lied and kept up with his patterns of infidelity. This hit home for me, and I feel as though my ah ha moment will get me past this stuck stage and file. Thanks Mel. Sara
Hi Sara,
The only way we ‘let go’ of those hooks that keep us in the game, is to deeply drop inside and claim the wounds that are creating the narc as ‘our source’ rather than being that to ourselves.
Unfortunately no matter how much logical or cognitive therapy you are doing you may not be directed into claiming and releasing those deep inner wounds which are still driving your subconscious to ‘stay attached’..
If the ‘ah ha’ moment is not enough to grant you that shift – going inwards and working with more powerful tools – that directly communicate with your subconscious – is your answer.
Then there is no wounds, no hooks and no struggle with yourself.
Mel xo
Dear Melanie,
This was your best article yet. I read it slowly while I was filing and doing paperwork at my job today and I will reread it and journal into it in the weeks to come. Tonight I move the last of my things out of the N’s house and into my own. And, may I say, you have been a huge part of my journey to successfully leaving him.
But your real gift has been understanding, both the baffling condition of narcissism and the even more confounding need for a relationship with, not one but 3 narcissists–an ex-husband, my father and now my latest boyfriend.
This article began to explain for me the why. Why, after all my inner work, did I attract the dishonesty of a narcissist when I have become so honest? The unfaithfulness when I have finally understood fidelity in both the emotional and sexual arenas? The lack of empathy when I have always been OVER empathic? In this deep, penetrating look into the mechanism of the soul, I finally see the true mirror: how do I treat myself? I treat others just fine so I have been baffled as to what the narcissist reflects. You have really helped me to see clearly.
I did lie to myself from the very start with my N. As with my father, I so wanted to believe in THE WORDS that I lied to myself about THE ACTIONS. As a little girl, I did not want to believe my handsome, charming Daddy hated me, cared nothing about me, resented my dependency, my personhood, my talents and goodness. I was not loved. I was hated. He hurt me on purpose, over and over, for all my life and I couldn’t bear to believe that so I had a made-up Daddy. A Make-believe childhood. And, when my current boyfriend said he loved and adored me–yet didn’t really seem to notice me, or notice specific things about me, just a big generic RUSH of affection–that told my little girl that I had found another Make-Believe Daddy and now I could FIX him!
So, I lied to me and I knew I lied to me and I bent myself into a pretzel talking myself INTO that lie.
Did I abandon me? Yes! I left my city, my son and my degree to move into the false fairytale of betrayal. Then I pooh-poohed my loneliness and despair and made it all my own fault and doing. It was now up to me to tame the demon. Make him into the Prince he had promised.
Did I cheat on me? Yes I got STDs from my N and did not listen to me. I just kept saying it must be my faulty female plumbing. No way he is cheating. He SAID he’s not. Meanwhile I ignored the fact that my heart knew–I grew fat to protect me from the abuse. Since I wouldn’t say no, I got ugly so he wouldn’t want me. I had to protect me in a passive way.
There is so much more, Melanie. And I have grown increasingly grateful for this lesson and your amazing insights into it because I would have gone on acting from this deep unconsciousness maybe for the rest of my life.
This journey is so profound and well-worth taking. As I put the last of my things into my new apartment tonight, I know the learning will now enter a new phase. I will now do No Contact. And, interestingly enough, my hard won wisdom is already being sought by others–the ripple effect.
Laura G.
Hi Laura,
fabbo that you have now made the REAL connection…
Fantastic that you are sharing such POWERFUL self-reflection that not only sets your soul, mind and heart free, but can also SO powerfully lead the way for other people in this community.
The TRUTH sets you free – period!
And grants incredible JOY in that freedom..
You have expressed this beautifully here Laura.
Very, very true you then become beckon of light (truth) to others Laura – and THAT is what you are doing…and the ripple effect is that its sets people free…..free from the pain and the illusions.
Mel xo
Wow. I am blown away each time I read something new here. I just started module one yesterday and promptly fell asleep in the middle, and sure enough, I receive an email this morning explaining why. I was not even in touch with how hopeless I had become simply acting and going thru the motions of daily life. Thank you for what you are doing, Melanie!
Hi Natalie-
This happens to me too. I fall asleep half way through every time if I sit or lay down. I wake up when it’s over and feel so so groggy and agitated.
I wrote a comment in one of her articles and she suggested getting up and moving around, doing something like walking.
Hi Natalie,
so thrilled you are on the deep inner recovery journey..
And please know if your ‘answer’ does not miraculously arrive in your inbox each morning – know you do have NARP support contact!
Mel xo
I have great difficulty with this…you see ‘my’ Narcissist is my father. I didn’t enter into a relationship with him, but rather was born into one. He is the only Narcissist in my life, although I’m really starting to wonder about my sister. Basically, if I wanted friends…I would never have picked them! They aren’t the people I particularly want in my life, but because I come from a large, extended family, I’m pretty much stuck. They are incredibly selfish people, and that just rubs me in all the wrong ways. Attracted to Narcissists? Hell no! My Dad is also an alcoholic, and though 20 years sober the blurred lines between ‘dry drunk’ and Narcissist are difficult to distinguish.
My attitude towards my Dad is, that as a father, and as a human being, he blew it. He lost out as a grandfather: his grandchildren really don’t want to have anything to do with him. He has managed to bully and push away the people he should have been thankful to have in his life. And now, he can never, EVER, have them.
My husband, however, is the opposite end of the spectrum from Narcissist! He is kind, considerate, has never once swore at me, called me names, put me down, or struck out physically. He has always supported me, loved me, looked after me: he is my rock! We will be celebrating 25 years together…He is a wonderful man and a large part of the reason I have any sanity at all!
So that’s what makes the whole ‘I attract Narcissists’ thing seem inapplicable! I must sense which people are Narcissists and steer clear of them, because if you take all the people I’ve known over a life-time, and added together any issues that may have occurred with them, nothing and no one has caused the volume of deep pain & suffering as my father has. He alone has that ‘distinction’.
He has my forgiveness; by handing him & his actions over to God, it is the Lord my Dad must come to terms with, rather than me. And for this…he has my pity.
Hi Kim,
most definitely there are rare people like you who have great adult relationships after terrible narc childhoods.
One of my best friends is exactly the same!
I believe a little in the ‘grace of life’ God / Source or whatever we would like to call it.
In cases like yours your ‘lessons’ were childhood ones, and you were ‘saved’ from it happening again – because that just wasn’t your path (or lesson) to take…
The people I have met in this situation then usually marry in their earlier years, and do not go through the repeat painful relationships that often includes one or more narcs.
You are the exception rather than the rule…
Mel xo
So happy for you that you have managed to get through your adult life and have a wonderful husband who loves and cares for you. I am sure that your childhood would have been very painful to live through. I love watching people like you live your lives because it gives me a model of what healthy and happy adult relationships look like. Several of my friends have wonderful husbands and I borrow them by proxy lol and observe carefully how they interact with one another. I feel as if I am learning what it means to be a child and the wife of the parents and husbands in these families. One day, I hope to have a wonderful, healthy relationship of my own when I am healed enough. My daughter is a case in point. Her father is a horrible narcissist and he caused her great angst as she was growing up. However, she is now 25 and about to marry her long-time boyfriend. He treats her wonderfully and respectfully. they are very similar and are just beginning twin teaching careers, are vegetarian, have no TV in their home, they both produce art work and ride bicycles for transport. They are like two peas in a pod and I love to know that my precious daughter has chosen well for herself.
Liv…love the poem!
Melanie…Amazing article. What kinds and of energy work do you do? Are you referencing the Quantum Healing?
Hi Elle,
Thank you 🙂
the energy healing I do on myself and within NARP and with clients is Quanta Freedom Healing.
Mel xo
Melanie, it seems that this article is that last piece of the puzzle that I needed so much!
I still have a question though- if people get treated the way they treat themselves where does it leave Narc?
If their inner wounds are horrendous and I can only imagine the level of pain they live in and I can believe that they truly consider themselves to be the victims when in a relationship, however we as co-dependents are still not capable to abuse them. They still receive “love” and for sure care from their addicted partners.
This is somehow doesn’t match or at least in a way I understand it. Would be happy to know what you think about it it.
Thank you !!!!
I think I understand Olga. If I can explain from my own point of view. My husband is a narc and through all the crazy-making and drama-spins, I lived with the consequences. I dealt with the pain of everything my husband had put me through. I didn’t know how else to cope so I ate and took out my pain on my body becoming unhealthy and Obese. As a child I had stayed slim with an eating disorder but I went the other way as an adult and ate myself to become the biggest person I know. All because I was so sad with the madness of my marriage. At the time I did not know my husband was a narcissist. When I finally learned what he truly is, I realised that everything I had gone through was not sheer bad luck but because of my husband and the trouble his ‘illness/narc/unstable ways’ has done to my children and I. I was then able to look back through my life and see how and when he discarded me and all the crazy madness and name-calling and unfairness I had endured. Well, that part of the madness was because I had not dealt with my unhealed parts from my childhood and therefore because my husband knew my weaknesses, he was able to get to me and make me feel so low that I abused myself (the over-eating) I didn’t know I was doing it – but the more I did it to myself – I was sending the message that I didn’t care about me…therefore I accepted his nonsense for longer than I should have because I did not know I did not value myself. I am a confident person yet I did not realise that I did not value myself. Not until I went on ‘no-contact’ and felt free and while working on my health – it all fell into place. When I read Melanie’s article – I was happy to see that this is where I am at now. It feels so good to finally learn about my own unhealed parts from before I met my husband – because now I get to really change my life – I just hope it isn’t too late because I have really damaged my body over the years. I now have Type 2 Diabetes. And without my husband in my life I realise that I really do want to live. I loved my husband unconditionally and I always will, but I will NEVER tolerate that nonsense again – now that I truly know myself and where I went wrong. My husband actually had the audacity to insist that I ruined his life by getting ill and not being the kind of wife who he could take places, show off with and even pick up and carry. His words used to make me cry but now I see the madness of it. If it were not so serious I would laugh. My husband does not take care of the children and I financially, he travels the world as an international management consultant and International magazine Publisher – yet he denied me regular child support all the way through. He took from the children and I to give to others and bought gifts for everyone else while leaving his family without a penny, meanwhile he lives like a bachelor between two different countries living in the best hotel suites in UAE and has an apartment in Africa. The children and I are living in a council house in the UK taking care of ourselves. I could go on – there is too much to say. This man considers himself the victim and always will. As victims, we don’t cause the harm to them – we retaliate but the narcissist only sees what we do and translates that as abuse. Now that, is the funny bit.
Hi Olga,
so pleased the article could help!
Great question..
Think about it..
What happens when a narc acts out – we start questioning, doubting, disbelieving, arguing, rejecting his or her ideas, statement – loosing all faith and trust in this person etc..and ultimately often we abandon the narc altogether (No Contact) because the behaviour becomes totally unliveable.
See the connection?
Additionally what someone is not providing self they can’t accept from another..
A narc has to create distance and sabotage love – this is exactly what narcs do – they can’t accept it.
Hope this helps!
Mel xo
This article is spot on with how I am feeling at the moment. Just this week I came to the realisation that I had abused myself to start with because I didn’t really value myself. I didn’t know that I didn’t really value myself – I had unhealed parts that I had needed to address. Now twenty years later, and after having finally gone on no contact from my narcissistic husband – I am now working on those unhealed parts. So far I have realised that I ate to make myself feel better and I abused myself in the process. Now I am feeling free I am starting to eat healthily – it feels like for the first time in my life.
I have written all about my experiences in my blog at echozoon.com – every day I write more and more about what happened. I will keep blogging until I have closed each chapter. I can hardly wait to get to the end. That is the part when I am truly healed and completely free of the side-effects. Thank you so much for sharing your own stories and thank you Melanie for being such a God-send. What you are doing for all of us narc sufferers…is more than amazing. Thank you a million times for your kind heart.
Hi Echo,
you are so welcome, and that is so good that you are healing and breaking free from your inner pain..
Wonderful!!!
Mel xo
I need help ASAP. I live with a narc. We have been married for 17 years and have 3 small sons. I married him when I was 21 and he was 32. I am living in hell. I need to get out, but it is difficult. I can’t financially take care of myself and kids and do not have family around to support me with the kids.
Hi Tanae,
have you contacted social services…that is what I would suggest…
Mel xo
While I was living with and supporting my ex, I recall one time saying…I’m a cancer survivor, I can’t have this stress in my life. I was 13 yrs out at the time. He raised his elbows in the air and did the jazz hand thing and said aaaoooooohhhh…I had caaaaannnncer, mocking me. It wasn’t 6 more months before I got him out of there via an order of protection. He moved in with his female “friend” within a few weeks. Nearly a year and a half later I am sad to say I’ve been diagnosed stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. My world just got rocked just as I was finally moving on. I had the thought…only temporary…that he needs to know. No. He doesn’t. He didn’t care then, he sure as all heck won’t care now.
Everything you write Mel is true. I had accidentally stumbled on an article about sociopaths. I started putting the pieces together, seeing the lies, the abuse, the devaluing and eventual discarding. I found your blog and every time I need reinforcement an article appears.
I can’t change what is done. He used me. He took advantage of me. I kept hoping and looking for the good. Only there wasn’t any. It’s all a facade. These guys use, abuse, devalue and discard. I am mad that he discarded me for her, but would not lose her for me. But that’s not how they operate. One to use, one or more in the shadows. He owes me money and I want to take him to small claims court. I am sure I would win a judgement. My friends, some say no. Some say do it. What do you think? I could use the money. The most I could get would be $2,500.00.
Hi Thaliesin,
I am so sorry to hear your news, and send healing and love to you.
Thaliesin, many narcs owe money, and leave a string of exes they have taken money from in their wake…
This is always my advice…put your emotional health first.
If you can stand up and get it without impacting on your emotional life – then do so.
If you know he will just maliciously try to tear you down – and you would rather have your freedom – then listen to what you heart is telling you and not your mind.
Then once you make that decision (if you do) be at peace with it – and let it go forever, knowing you valued you first and foremost.
Your answer always is within.
Mel xo
Hello Thaliesin. I am so sorry to learn that you are so sick. I realise that the inner work is what we need to do and I am sure that you are fully aware of that. If you can find a way to get the money to buy Mel’s Quanta Healing Freedom programme, I am sure that will help you; maybe not to get rid of the cancer, but for peace of mind and emotions. I was also thinking that the sorts of foods that we eat can have a protective function and provide nourishment for cells so that they can work better. Even though you are very sick with the cancer, I am sure that you still need to eat well. I saw a video yesterday that was posted to my fb wall. It was about a doctor who contracted MS and the illness was causing her to get sicker and sicker. She was in a wheelchair and her mobiity and brain function was degenerating rapidly. She began to do some research and had chemotherapy and all sorts of medical intervention that did nothing to alter the course of the MS. She began to experiment with the use of dietary supplements that are known to work as cell foods for the mitochondria and myelin amongst other body parts. She noticed a difference and then decided that she would see what foods had those ingredients in them. She began to put into place a paleolithic diet (you may have heard about that). She modified that diet to suit her and began to eat a lot more living food. Within a year there was an extreme improvement in her health and she is now free from MS. I understand that there is no magic bullet and that not all things work that we hope will work. However, anything is worth a try if it means that although we are ill, we have a better quality of life and it helps us to feel better. If you are interested in watching the video for yourself, let me know and I will post the details for you. I hope that your day is going well.
Oh my but I had to comment on this.
Last night I had such a powerful realisation – and had not been able to read this blog (server was down) but accessed it this morning… and that realisation is actually a shift… echoed in all that you have just written Melanie…
I have just had a real life huge transformational shift that I feel in every bit of me… and that is because I suddenly thought – the reason I was so devastated, so lost, so overcome with emptiness, loneliness and sorrow and pain and everything else that my N relationship of 11 years resulted in…was because I had lost myself, I had lost me, the pain was me being broken up -and my healing – all my healing has been about putting me back together – but in a better (soooo much better way.)
It has taken me two years (on Oct 18th) to get here- to a place where I truly believe that it was all for the best, that being this me- this better me- is such a lovely safe place to be.
And then everything you say in the post Melanie… felt as if I was being punched in the stomach in a good way- such was the power of your words, your conclusions, coming on top of my own.
So, I had lost myself – (in every way possible) this is what it was all about, why I felt crushed and tearful – and the fear, oh the fear that sat on my chest every day for at least two years – and had been preceded by the feelings of tension, wrongness and sickness that we all know so well.
Learning to like and love myself, learning to acknowledge my feelings, learning to listen, to self soothe – and I am still learning. And it means everything, it is the most important lesson ever.
For anyone reading who is where I was – utterly broken – and this was manifested in every possible way – broken financially, professionally, personally, spiritually, emotionally.. I promise you with all of my heart that Melanie’s teachings and revelations will be your salvation, they will teach you how to move forward – and how to shift – and each shift is that wonderful, knowing feeling of being anchored to yourself.
Thank you for this blog Melanie – and for all the advice that has helped me to get here.
Still a way to go – but I’m getting there.
With love. (understatement)
Jennifer.
Hi Jennifer,
thank you for your inspirational share.
It is SO true that the losses we suffered, were always really about losing ourselves.
The truth was that through this experience we can learn that our fear and pain were all derivatives of not being solid and shored up within ourselves about who we are, what our values and truths are – and being prepared to live through them with healthy boundaries, self-deservedness and the ability to identify and stand for our own healthy needs.
That’s ok – our conditioning or lack of personal skills and knowledge regarding honouring ourselves and personal boundaries were all responsible – but we can we can take responsibility for our pain now, and transform our lives beyond description.
This is great that you are getting there.
The more you keep working on you, and standing for your truth Jennifer, the more you will trust yourself and feel safe to be you in life.
Mel xo
Thanks again Mel, this is such an important article.
I have come a long way in the healing journey since feb this year when the narc relationship ended and I found your website and healings.
It’s interesting that lately I felt unwanted thoughts have surfaced about the narc. This is following many months where i have felt so much joy in my life again. Lately some small things during my day wondering about the narc agajn. I know this is a big sign to myself to look within and your article pointed out some issues I feel I could look into again. Many of your points raised I could relate to like ‘lying to myself’ while with the narc was very common also ‘lying to the narc’ to stop things escalating. Also I have to work with a feeling of ‘lacking’ without a partner in my life I know this familiar negative feeling has surfaced for me before and I’m determined to work on it again.
Thanks again for this timely article.
Hi Eve,
you are very welcome.
All this means is ‘more to clear’..this is an unhealed wound presenting itself to you so that you can let it go, and transform even ‘higher’..
Whenever we are about to claim a greater ‘breakthrough’ the ‘breakdown’ will appear – it needs to to clear the space for the breakthrough.
Just time to go deeper and shift – and then the rise oo the other side will be even better!
Mel xo
Hi Melanie,
Thanks a million for this article. Through all your articles and website I had a revelation and realised that narcistic abuse with my ex happened to me because my mum has also NPD. So I realised with shock that the abuse that he perpetrated to me was exactly the same as my mum’s since I was very small (earliest abusive memory is from when I was 5 yrs old) all along through adulthood. I have been tried to break free from her abuse since I was 18 and left home for college, but she has always tried to control my life and never shown any empathy to me. It has always been about her sadly 🙁 After a 4 year abusive relationship with my narcissist ex, going through lots of pain and confusion, reading through your articles helped me to finally understand why I attracted such a person into my life, who would hurt me and our 2 children so much. Those wounds I had brought with me since I was a child have been hidden inside me, at my very bottom. It’s true that I needed a shock like the agony caused by the relationship with my narcissistic ex to wake me up and put in front of me all these old wounds that needed healing. And this is what I am going through at the moment. No contact while trying to heal myself. He only left 5 weeks ago, and the pain is still deep, but it’s a different pain already…it’s the pain of the small child inside me who finally wants her needs to be heard.
Thanks a million Melanie, you are really helping through this.
Love, Candida xxx
Mel xo
Hi Candida,
You are very welcome 🙂
This is wonderful that you have now stopped, turned inwards and are tending to releasing those wounds..
Then because your energy will no longer be trapped into re-creations of your past – as your energetic lens of ‘life’ – you will be energetically free to create an entirely new future that is different from your past.
Wonderful Candida you are now committed to that journey.
Mel xo
I’m dying. Your blog came to me at the exact moment I hit the bottom of pain and despair. Cast aside after 20 years of marriage, raising his children, caring for his home. This pain is impossible to convey. But I now know I’m not alone. Every single post on here resonates. I’m seriously examining why I took this horrible, punishing treatment every day for years. I always put my kids first and said I would stay for them. I have one left in high school but I knew I could not take one more day, one more minute. Since I have filed for divorce, he has punished me even worse. I can’t wait to get away from him and if I didn’t have a daughter, I would get in my car and drive away never to return. I feel like I will never truly escape his evil torment. I am starting back at the top and will re-read every single post. Hoping and praying for help and succor. Thank you for the obvious amount of time and love you spend on this.
I am sorry to hear you are suffering this badly – however the time of total bottom out can be the huge beginning of personal change and catharsis.
Wonderful you are turning you attention inwards, because this is the only place you have power…
Please look at NARP https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/services/narc-abuse-recovery.htm as your support for the fastest and most powerful way you can navigate this and get out and well.
That decision can save you a great deal of struggle, pain, fear and heartbreak as a result of powerful tools to shift pain and align with your inner power.
Mel xo
Dear Mel, This has to be one of the best articles I have read. I follow your blog regularly but this particular piece has put me in a deep reflection mode and I am beginning to see the link between how i treat myself and how i let my narc treat me. So far I have defended every action of my Narc and truly punished myself. I have fed my hurt through cigarettes, self inflicted physical pain and what not instead of being there for myself to help me heal. I have been running away from myself and then wondering why I am so empty. Thanks for showing me the way Mel. I am going to read this again and will re-post my comments once i finish my journey of self exploration.
Hi Griffy,
I am so pleased this article has helped you turn around and set the mission to come home to yourself.
That was truly my greatest intention in writing it!
Mel xo
Hi Mel, thanks so much for this inspiring and like you said confrontational article.
I’ve bought one of your smaller courses and am yet to go through it but I will.
I was married to a Narc for 15 years, we have been separated for 2 years. I have a 8 year old daughter so she was 6 when he left. I found this site by pure accident when i was looking for answers as to why this man i loved could treat me so badly, abusing me verbally, physically and emotionally then when i found the sight i couldn’t believe what i was reading and he truely fitted each and every Narc trait. I got him to leave for myself and our daughter as he was swearing and being horrid to her too. I think had i waited another week i would have had a nervous breakdown. I walked on egg shells for years worried about upsetting him and him flying into a rage. I was so confused when he left and nearly asked him to come back numerous times but luckily my head took over not my heart.
Your blog has truey taught me to look at my own child hood and forgive and heal the way i was treated then.
I thought i was really getting there and moving on when bham two weeks ago the Narc told me he had met someone else a woman who has 3 kids by 3 different men etc etc! and i know of her and she is a horrid person.
I couldn’t believe how this made me feel that as he hardly see his own daughter (3 hrs per week) he will be spending more time with this womans kids it really hurt me the most. I dont understand why i feel this way as i’d never take him back but guess its the shattering of my belief that we were once a family unit.
Therefore as we have our beautiful daughter in common i have to see him on a regular basis and i can really see him for the fake person he really is but find it so frustrating when my friends who have known him a long time comment on how friendly and chatty he is. That to me feels like i have made up everything about the way i was treated and them thinking how could this man have done those atrocities to me.
I know i will get there as i have great family support and i saw a counsellor and still do for over one year. Just wish i didn’t have to see him at all and that he would leave the two of us the hell alone.
My daughter has already started to suss him as most of the time she doesn’t want to see him (he can go long peridds of time with out seeing her with no explaination as to why) but i always thought it was best that she maintain some sort of relationship with her Dad, but from now on i’m not forcing her to do anything she doesn’t want to do. Thanks Mel xx
Hi Rachel,
That is so good that you stayed strong and stayed away from the relationship.
That took great courage.
Ok in regard to what you are feeling – this is normal – even though cognitively you know what he is, that life would not be happy with him, and that you don’t want him back..
Within most women (and some men) are deep DNA survival programs that create all sorts of beliefs and wounded ’empty’ parts that play out emotional attachments that we would prefer not to feel or be driven by – because they relate to the wounded child (insecure) part of us rather than the adult part of us who knows how to look after ourselves.
These parts are not logical.
I am assuming you have the FOO Program? Really these wounds that you are feeling right now are a NARP issue, and specifically the attachment DNA wound you are feeling is specifically Module 2 in NARP.
Rachel, when you start working with energetic healing you soon discover how to drop into emotional wounds, how to unearth them, ‘what they are about’ and how to shift them up and out of your body so that they no longer play out as emotional pain – which is hard to take in itself, but has in the past (and could in the future) lead us into making choices which are not healthy for us – such as choose abusers and stay attached to abuse.
That is your easiest and most direct path to solving this, and any other pain, fear or ‘loss’ attachments you have in regard to your ex.
Mel xo
My recovery consists in connecting to my true self in a loving way in the NOW. The past is all gone.
Much love to all. Thanks a lot Melanie.
XXXXX
Hi Jewel,
you are so welcome, and much love to you too!
Mel xo
Thank you Mel and Suzanne. I can’t help but think that this came about because of him, but I’m not sure it would grow so fast in 3 years. The last time I spoke with him I told him he owed me money. He said if I wanted it I would have to take him to court. Before I met him a woman he was involved with had passed from an autoimmune disease. I’m guessing he probably treated her the same. Sigh.
Thaliesin. In my most recent relationship with my ex-boyfriend, I was starting to notice physical changes within me such as the joints in my fingers swelling and being very painful. I was also exhausted and there were other physical symptoms. I was constantly anxious and on-edge and resentful as well. My kinesionlogist spent weeks of sessions having to put me back into my body and to work with my energy to restore some of the functions that had suffered in the relationship. Fortunately I wet NC and things got better. I realise that you are very ill, but I do really hope that you can work some modules and eat things that may help re-energise you in some way. I am not sure if your appetite has been affected.I also hope that you are able to keep the focus on you and not on him.
Brilliant insights and thank you. 7 months of “No Contact” following Domestic Violence from “it” (I am calling him “it” so as to acknowledge that he was not human in the classic sense). Doing EMDR and codependency work, but each time I think I have taken a big step forward, I backstep. This article helps so much. It is the direction I have tried to go in, but haven’t quite managed it. What a help your sharing this is.
Thank you.
Hi Mar,
I am so pleased this article helps you step forward..
Mel xo
What if the narcissist had abusive narcissist parents and siblings? What if they have many false selves? What if the narcissist is actually just one of many selves? Totally get the whole spiritual psych and healing, and self love, boundaries etc, law of attraction, so doesnt that mean by constantly looking for answers and reading the many many many sites devoted to narcissists, psychopaths, sociopaths, narcissistic sociopaths, the list is ridiculously endless….but the truth is, humans have many archetypes, personas, ego and so on….also from past lives…..so…isnt the constant focus, belief and perception that a narcissist will never heal extremely illogical? are they human? are
they also healing? if a narcissist has a lesson for us, then do we not have one for them? is it not then logical that the narcissist is just one of many archetypal personas, the shadow, the chil, the warrior….and its interesting to look into ego developmental stages, and most importantly, parents and individual situations, isnt it a bit broad, almost group think to lump people in this category? I firmly believe in shamanism and soul retrieval….but also, i know myself, i have done the whole honesty thing with myself and ive made mental notes of how and what triggers a switch, and trust me, im not exactly innocent nor a victim, in fact much of what is described as a narcissist is in everyone to differing degrees its just hard to see from victim consciousness, and in reverse, the narcissist will never see their behaviour in their narc consciousness….hey and lets not leave out every single thing that messes with the brain chemistry, and the different areas of the brain connects with vibrations…..people become vjctims because they want to believe they are and what better way than people who cash in on feeding victim consciousness….my goal at the end of what im learning is to get to the bottom of this and help all concerned, because the narcissists are actually victims too, we all are victims of a fkkd up world, morals and learned rights and wrongs influence and lay the guilt that feeds narcissistic behaviour. Narcissists, and i hate the labelling too, are healable, if they wernt then neither would be their victims, also a horrible word. Linguistics, yet another trigger, mention the word ego and instant neg reaction to low vibrations….and our vibes change alllll the time….trust me, many of these narcs have absolutely no idea of anything they do….or any others that are fronting….alcohol is a bad trigger, but it can be anything at all,feel free to email [email protected], always love to share ideas and i hope Melanie can appreciate this and not take this personally, high vibe remember 🙂
Hi Samantha,
I totally agree ‘anyone can heal’, but they don’t unless they first admit they have inner issues that require resolution, and then proceed to take responsibility and do the work on them.
The disorder of narcissism is one where the False Self is a mechanism used to guard, avoid and defend the inner wounds and NOT take responsibility for (feel and acknowledge) them.
That is the problem with narcissists…
I agree narcissists (and everyone) are victims of victims – and it would be wonderful if everyone would acknowledge it is okay to have inner wounding, and it is okay and welcomed for everyone to be vulnerable and supportive with these wounds – starting with unconditional self-love and self-acceptance.
Unfortunately society’s lack of education, support and OUTER focus on ‘personas’ and ‘perfection’ have helped breed a narcissistic culture where any ‘flaw’ is seen as terrifying and that it will cause rejection, abandonment or someone else to score the goodies (survival of the ‘fittest’).
Narcissists will be healable WHEN they decide to embrace, own and face their inner wounding – until then they are not.
Hence why there is not one confirmable NPD case on the planet of a narc healing – that I or many other people have heard of..
People with narcissistic tendencies – yes. NPD when conscience is stamped out by the False Self and null and void – no…
Yes absolutely appreciate your sharing Samantha – totally..
I too dream of a world where everyone could evolve and be healthy.
I actually believe it is coming…but it won’t happen when people remain the scapegoat for narcissists and take the belting of their pain and inner demons for them. It will happen when the narcissist has nothing left to cling to on the outside and HAS to turn inwards.
Mel xo
Thanks for your reply Mel, how rewarding to receive such an understanding and non judging reply, i knew from your reply that you are definately not doing this for ego, i am sure you would realise that people like us are absolute ego experts, not to mention every single disorder known to mental health…..i must admit that i do get it, espescially that last bit about not doing their healing for them and being their scapegoat, in fact that was in todays obsessive reading of anything that would take the pain away and make excuses. As hard as it is to talk to anyone about this, especially since i seem to be surrounded by the parasites he brings to us to feed his ego and deny inner work, but its reading others stories like its my own is strangely comforting, i am not going nuts, this is real…..and the more i learn on my healing journey, the harder it is to ignore so many things. Its like groundhog day, except no change, i could actually write a script word for word. I at least am learning that theres no point trying to prove anything, that indescribable presence and intimidation they have there is just no point. So at least that prevents the physical stuff, just the emotional abuse, i think thats worse. Just wondering if you have heard Coopers.. http://www.narcissismcured.com/ found them years ago, but not sure if she just is living in denial, would be interested to hear your thoights, anyway, thanks again, and thanks to everyone else for sharing your pain and exoeriences, this is growth 🙂 …
Samantha, I agree that it’s unproductive to encourage victimhood (and Melanie acknowledges this: “…we need to really drop the victimhood”).
But what distinguished my narcissist from other men was not whether or not I chose to play the victim – but the fact that he chose to TARGET me in the first place.
He watched me from afar, then he moved in and cultivated me very carefully and deliberately, and once the hook was in, he proceeded to systematically dismantle me from within and undermine me from without.
His was a very definite, recognisable pathology that Melanie describes well elsewhere on the blog. He was a narcassist.
I was never his victim. But I was his target.
Certainly, he’d been a victim, too. But, once I’d found acceptance and dropped my weapons (anger and blame), I had to face a raw reality. There was only one way out. I had to act FOR me, neither for nor against him. I couldn’t save him. I had to save my self.
Thanks Lucy, your words are exactly what has been going through my head for a while now. Its so hard
to do though, for emotional reasons, but also he makes sure i cant afford to do a thing. And yes, your story sounds similar, i find it very frightening to really believe some things could be possible, but ive become an expert super snoop, i have the hard evidence, ive busted it all, i see it all now, but i feel i cant do a thing. One minute i feel all confident, ive even let him have it, ive totally what i thought was standing up to him, he did seem remorseful etc, but every promise is never kept and he triggers himself purposely and i guess thats when he is getting me back….to build hope and destroy is pretty horrible. I am just very tired and low right this minute, it comes and goes, you know, thanks for your support, Sam 🙂
Melanie,
I love your work. How much wisdom in one person! I have done NARP and slowly working through the self empowerment course. I love getting your weekly articles. I also learn from the community- so many posts resonate with me and then I read your responses, which always provide me with even more insight to whatever I’m dealing with. I’m in owe of you and your work. Thank you.
Hi Jane,
You are so welcome, and I am so pleased my Programs and material has been able to help you heal and become liberated!
Mel xo
Hi Melanie,
This is amazing and my favorite article! So clear how it all fits together!
I keep believing I’m over and out of the hell of the aftermath phase, but actually I’m dismayed there seems to be so, so much more…
I relate to all of the ‘biggest things’, and was wondering if you might be able to address one or two more:
For me one of the biggest things was simply the acceptance of evil, and the understanding that you can’t empathize with everyone- maybe this is too basic for others to relate to, I’m not sure. Growing up in a family possibly of -all- narcs, I quickly fell into a pattern of believing in/continually looking for the diamond within, the christ, the buddha within everyone (actually guessing or justifying horrible behavior- hoping the exceptions of good behaviors were the rule and rule of bad, the exceptions)- I honestly thought it was my mission in life. My form of denial was an absolute belief in the -impossibility- of sadistic intent, and a belief in the power of empathy, in and of itself to change others… This was such a big part of my identity, and I still struggle to feel ‘okay’ about curtailing empathy for people who aren’t being responsible to themselves- including myself…
I’m feeling like I grew up with shadows, or ghosts, and my whole history is like this ghost history… It’s just a really strange feeling realizing fully that virtually everyone I’ve ever felt affection for didn’t care at all, that in some sense, I really haven’t known many humans…
Sam Vaknin says something to the effect that if you participated with a narcissist you are responsible for the outcome because Ns are so blank, just reactive, essentially, not proactive-and this struck a chord… I now see it was really true- my N initially spoke for me, all the compliments of my hidden self-lover, then later all the insults of my hidden self-critic… It’s like together we made one person, not two… in some odd way I really was steering the show… and he really was acting as a no-self, both sides were really me…
This whole thing is still so confusing- and since I am still suffering a sort of empathic burn-out after the (last) N, and trying NOT to excuse and feel sorry for so many people, it’s hard, looking back, it’s hard from this still-depleted vantage point, to understand for whom I really DID have empathy…
Sometimes I feel like I really am a narc. But then, I’ve vowed not to have contact with other human beings again if I am, which doesn’t seem very narc-like, and I’ve been shifting, and definitely feeling the shifts in this Narc program for almost a year now…
I guess I’m making progress…? Just keep going? :/
This is just such an unbelievably difficult journey- I really can’t believe that my only sibling seems to be an N now too-only calling or even calling back when he needs something, expressing lots of darwinian ideas, expounding on the non-existence of love… yikes… looking back I see a lot of signs in him early too- some truly frightening play-acting, frequent denigrating comments about sub-groups and women… lying to impress, a delight in pulling pranks, one-upping, poor to zero gratitude or reciprocation…
I’m sorry this is a little long, I’m just really freaking out about the numer of fake people in my life…!!
I feel like I haven’t lived…
I try to do module 6 once every day…
Thanks for the program, it took me a while to feel anything close to gratitude, I was in so much pain, but now I do think most of it makes sense…
-Eve
Hi Eve,
I am so glad this article has been able to put the pieces together for you!
What is really important to understand that having ’empathy’ for abusers is actually the symptom of trying to get from people what we were not able to supply ourselves with when we were children.
All of us at soul level have an emotional navigating system – we inherently ‘know’ at an inner level what feels good, healing and nurturing and what doesn’t.
What happens is we make ‘excuses’ to try to get the love, acceptance and approval from outside sources that we did not establish and anchor within ourselves as a result of not having the healthy role models who helped us develop these inner resources.
As children we were powerless, we were completely dependent on outside sources, as adults we are not powerless – we have the power to work on our inner wounds and establish this self inner anchoring for ourselves.
Ok, where you are getting stuck is trying to work this all out cognitively whilst having your focus still on ‘the outside’ on these other people – where you actually have no personally power.
To ‘keep going’ you need to switch this focus away from these people and take it deeply within yourself.
That is where the healing of your childhood wounds takes place. Then you will not be approaching relationships from the wounded child part of yourself, you will be co-creating relationships from the healthy inner adult perspective of yourself.
Then you will no longer ‘try’ to excuse or get from certain people what they just aren’t capable of granting.
You will gravitate away from attachments and connections to abusers and start co-creating relationships with healthy adult ‘selves’.
To create this inner shift I can’t recommend the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program enough, this is where you will achieve that inner work.
Mel xo
Hey Mel,
Ditto on the other comments above…this is one of your best blogs to date…for me anyway. You always seem to articulate what I felt and still feel from my NARC relationship like nobody else…not even me…LOL. Good job!
Hi Shawn,
Thank you,
so glad this article resonated!
Mel xo
Hi Mel
You are amazing… at the most crucial times your emails suddenly pop up in my mail box… I have only had 2 counselling sessions and my intial contact with my counsellor was, on my request, to only try to understand the N I had been with….. and that I did not want to discuss any other issues as bringing up my past hurt too much…and all i thought was if I could just understand why he had done what he had done and treated me like he did I would be able to move on… (at many times I thought I could understand enough and then help him!) after reading this it is so true and obvious now that it is my past… my most inner feelings that need dealing with. If I just carry on trying to understand why an N does what they do then I just stay in the same painful position.. (infact I was drifiting into bad depression… just as I had decided nothing was worth anything anymore… I couldn’t think about leaving the house, having a shower or doing anything.. I read your newsletter! NOW the painful stuff begins.. IT HURTS sooo much and brings me to tears as I am writing this…. But the longer I dwell on what the N has done, is doing, would carry on doing the longer he stays absuing me even though we are not together anymore…
It has to be a big deep breath in and GO..
Thank you Mel
Nikki
x
Hi Niki,
that is so true that you need to heel the pain deeply in order to heal it..
There is no transformation in simply about learning about abusers and not tending to our own inner broken parts..
This is where so many people go wrong in recovery…
Avoiding inner wounding does not make it do away – whatever we resists stubbornly persists.
Take that deep breathe and commit to the healing within – then you will see real progress.
Mel xo
Dear Mel, this is great healing stuff, thank you! The sentence that really hit home for me was one in your final paragraph ‘Bringing it all together’ – you wrote: “We may be too scared to try to trust someone else again, or it is very likely that our unhealed and raw wounds will attract another abuser. Or we may severely distrust someone who isn’t an abuser and sabotage the possibility of a healthy relationship.” I’ve just ended a relationship that was without a doubt the best relationship I’ve ever had in my life. I had previously left several narcissists, endured much pain and thought I’d done the work and was in a position of high self-esteem when I met my most recent partner, who pursued me. It was the first time I ever let someone pursue me, and it was scary and I talked it through with my therapist, as my deepest fear was that this guy is different, I really don’t want to sabotage it. He seemed different from the others. But I thought he had elements of co-dependence, and there were quite a few red flags, that I kept putting down to my own fears, my lack of trust. I kept going with the relationship, as I was learning so much through it – mainly to state my needs and boundaries. However, I was not met with the respect I deserved. Indeed, I began to think that this man had strong narcissistic tendencies, but because he was so altruistic in so many ways, it was hard to come to terms with this analysis (though reading about inverted narcissism did make me think this might be so). Lack of remorse and the lack of compassion, the rage at me expressing my feelings and my needs, the denial and blaming everything on me. It took me two years to figure out the patterns, because outwardly he was so wonderful, none of his entourage would ever have guessed what was really going on, and he did seem willing to discuss some things and make some changes, so it took a long time to see behind the mask. But eventually, I had to protect myself and I left. I’m glad to say that he also appears to have embarked on a journey of self-discovery (after years of trying to get him to see that this would be important) and he may not be suffering from full-blown personality disorder, but I can’t be living in hope that he will be fixed and return to me. I’m now grieving and trying to move on and this blog has really helped me to see where I still have wounds and where I still need to work on myself – the ongoing journey of self-discovery. Thanks for your work!
Hi Louise,
It definitely sounds as if you were in relationship with an altruistic narcissist – which can be very confusing – because it appears this person is giving and loving – until you realise that the ‘giving’ was about wielding control and creating enmeshments and dependencies.
All of which to extract narcissistic supply.
https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/is-the-narcissist-capable-of-loving/
Very true that the narcissistic rage is the same, as is the lack of empathy and cruel malicious behaviour, which can then be followed by ‘Mr Wonderful’ again. It is known as ‘adore and abhor on a dime’.
You are much better being out of this relationship – and please know even though he appeared as ‘giving’ is absolutely no indication that he doesn’t have a full blown personality disorder – and neither is his statements about working on himself.
Yes, time for you to focus and work within in order to heal.
Mel xo
Hi Mel
thanks so much for responding – and yes, it was your blog on altruistic narcissism that I meant – a great blog. Though I still am worried about labels – aren’t we all on the narcissistic spectrum? There are so many parallels between ‘narcissists’ and ‘their victims’ (am agreeing with some of the things Sam wrote above) – I’m not innocent. I’ve got angry and said some mean spirited things that caused ‘narcissistic wounding’ to my partner (he was extremely sensitive to the slightest criticism, so an angry argument was experienced as a massive ‘atttack’. Does that make me a narcissist? Despite the fact that I have shown remorse and asked for forgiveness? In a way it doesn’t matter, as the healing is the same path, and it’s certainly one I’m travelling along. Trying to stay strong 🙂 xx
Hi Louise,
you are very welcome.
Absolutely there are an incredible number of matches between narcissists and their victims.
We absolutely were trying to get our source of self from outside of self.
If is very important though to hold the distinction between a co-dependent and NPD – someone with zero capacity for genuine remorse, empathy and accountability – regardless of what is feigned.
No, that does not make you a narcissist, it means you displayed anger as a result of being violated and abused – which any being on the planet does when their soul is penetrated and violated by another..
As we get better at being a Source to ourselves, we wouldn’t fight back, we would simply detach (permanantly) and walk away – knowing we are worth so much more than being abused by another who has no resources or inclination to change themselves.
You are taking ‘the responsibility’because of cognitive dissonance – which is the finding logical ways to excuse the narcissist and stay emotionally attached to his energy.
The way out of that is to deeply inwardly investigate your wounded inner part who is trying to fix the abuse with people in your life (as a pattern) in order to be acceptable and loved.
Where did you take the blame – and feel like it was ‘your fault’? This is the conclusion that all children inwardly come to…
Heal that part and you will not feel any longing towards the AN.
It’s hard for you to stay strong when that part is still keeping you hooked in.
Have you thought about working with NARP to find and release that hook?
Mel xo
Dear Mel
thanks so much – that is so helpful – I’ve only just arrived at your site and haven’t yet got round to doing the NARP but will find out more. Thank you! xx
Hi Mel, I received the news at 12:34 pm January 8, 2013 that my oldest daughter Erin had passed away she was 33 years old. Her room mate had found her in the bed that morning. The following week was a blur! My health had already taken a noise dive when I learned of my husbands affair and did everything to save my marriage just short of allowing him to wipe his boots on me. He filed for a divorce in November and spent the holidays with his girlfriend while I stayed home alone. But when he learned of the news, he flew in to be by my side. All the while conversing with my family as if he was this great man! My family questioned me,but in my grief I had no answers for his behavior. As soon as my family left it was business as usual for him. I had this crazy idea he would stay and help me through this great loss. My court date for my divorce was January 10, and my attorney went to the court and asked the judge to please put my divorce on hold for as long as possible to let me gain my footing. Well after funeral when I told him my attorney felt it best for me to wait to make a decision of this magnitude he was furious because he was moving to Florida and taking his second wife whom he had been having an affair with for the last year and they were to be married. So he comes to me and threatens me that he would come after my business and leave me with nothing if I did not finish the divorce. I begged him to wait and let me deal with the pain of losing my daughter. So during one of the most severe pain of my life I came back with a list of my demands if he wanted a divorce and If he did not give every single one of my demands. I would be having my attorney subpoena phone records and e-mail accounts and credit cards proving the infidelity. Not to mention she had our lap top and our lawn mover and who knows what other items and plus thousands of dollars missing form our joint account. Since he used a work e-mail and phone and text. He came back and told me he would lose his job if I subpoenaed these records that the company was already looking for anything and he would lose his very high-powered job. I replied and told him he should of thought of that before he decided to cheat on me. He agreed to every single item on the list and never hired an attorney of his own. He moved out 4 weeks after my daughter’s death. Now in the middle of all of this, he kept asking me if I would consider a reconciliation, ( no clue why) but I told him I could not bear to deal with anything but my daughter’s death and that he was no longer the priority. This angered him, but I begged him to please move on with his life and allow me to mourn. My first weekend after he moved out, I was bent over the toilet and could not conceive of putting food into my mouth. I was absolutely paralyzed in pain. I found myself having suicidal thoughts for the first time in my life. I found your website that weekend and devoured every word. I made many vows to myself that weekend. I would wake up everyday and choose life, see I have two other daughters. I also promised myself that no matter what I would find one place to go to a day. No isolation, I knew it would breed my depression. Even if it only meant going through the drive through to get coffee, I knew I had to keep moving. The following Monday I called my Attorney and asked her finalize my divorce only 4 weeks after my daughter’s death, she begged me to wait. But I told her I had to finalize the divorce so I could handle only one thing, he would not allow me to mourn in silence and I needed to mourn the loss of my child. He was back in the state the following Tuesday and signed all the paperwork. I signed all the paperwork on Thursday. While in my attorney’s office she told me she knew the judge and could probably get me a date the following Tuesday. Sure enough the following Tuesday, my divorce was final. I sent a text to let him know, I had not I formed him it would be over that quickly. His reply, he had no idea it would be so quick and how sad. I needed to look ahead. My first download was your book about, no contact. Your books helped me to look ahead and stay steady to my course. How devastating it is to go through a divorce from a narcissist but to go through a death of a child while watching the one person walk out of your life that you thought would be a source of support was unfathomable. He sobbed as he walked out the door and so did I but I kept telling him to leave and he did. I was completely alone. But your words brought light to me in places that were dark. I heard and saw your pain as you spoke of barely being able to move but your words that I could make it through made me all the more determined. I would love to say, I kept moving and never looked back and never reached out to him to being comfort to me. But just as you have said, when I did reach out I realized it only made me feel worse. So I would remind myself of that and it finally cured me of trying to find answers from him. I know so many say how do you finally remove this person from your life and move on……tell yourself you deserve the very best and then determine with each and every pain just take one step at a time and keep moving forward. Thank you for getting me though such a terrible time in my life. You would not recognize me, I will never be the same……… Your books were my life line into views that I may have never seen………I am changed forever! Many blessings and Thank you for sharing your gift with others…….
Hi Dawn,
words can’t express how much pain you have been though and how brave you have been through this incredibly painful time in your life.
Dawn you are an incredible inspiration to choose life, and to go on, and I am so pleased my material has been able to help you achieve that.
Thank you for sharing and much love, strength, healing and light to you.
Mel xo
I want to say thank you again for sharing your knowledge and experiences and the way you are helping. i can see great changes in myself, since i started to follow recovery steps.Exactly i have feelings like, i am in the middle of a journey which result will be knowing myself and i am excited of discover that.thank you Mel
Hi Goli,
you are very welcome. That is wonderful that you are healing and excited about partnering and loving you….
Mel xo
Dear Mel,
I have been following your blog for some time. It has been a great help to me, this post especially. The hardest thing about my narc experience was the lying and truth twisting. I now see, however, that who was lying to me the most was me. I knew from the very beginning that there was something wrong, yet convinced myself, over and over, that it wasn’t that bad and that if I was just more supportive, understanding and compassionate, a miracle would occur and he’d become the person I needed and wanted him to be. Now I realize that the person who really deserved my support, understanding and compassion was me, and the miracle I was really waiting for was that I would become the person I needed and wanted to be, which is happening. I can say this with confidence because I saw “him” at a friend’s wedding a few weeks ago. I was having a good time and able to pretty much ignore him after saying hello, which must have really made him mad. At any rate he did something very unkind–one of those pointless narcissistic “gotchas” that used to tie me in knots. I confronted him about his behavior, briefly, saying that what he did was discourteous to me. He refused to acknowledge the justice of my complaint (of course)and I dropped it, enjoyed the wedding and went home. A couple of days later, I got a very angry email from him. He pseudo-psychoanalyzed what he characterized as my “explosion,” said it was all part of my “abusive cycle,” told me I needed therapy, and so on and so forth. And, I DIDN’T RESPOND. I don’t mean just that I didn’t email him back, which is, in itself, a big change in my way of behaving. I mean that I didn’t respond emotionally. It shook me up some because the level of rage he expressed was intense. But, it didn’t push my buttons as it would have in the past. I still feel like I have a lot of work to do, but it’s nice to see that what I’ve done so-far really is having results. It’s been two years since I found out about NPD, which gave me the courage to start digging myself out of the deep hole–25 years of crazy–that I was in. If I can do it, anyone can. Thanks, Mel.
Hi Mel, Thank you so much for everything you do! My question is….Does the narc. realize consciously that he / she is a phony? Are they truly aware of their false persona and afraid of being discovered? I noticed upon filing for divorce after 25 years of marriage that at first the focus was on winning me back, although I was aware of his other women waiting in the side lines each believing they were the only special one! Ha!! What made him livid was when he received the discovery paperwork from my divorce attorney in which I stated his faults leaving no stone unturned in my reasons for filing for disillusion of the marriage. Including his performance problems in the bedroom! All hell broke loose with him and he is still on the war path after 2 years by spreading vicious lies, not paying child support and degrading me in every way possible. This has been the most troubling thing for me to recover from as he could sell ice to the Eskimos he’s such a good liar. I keep telling myself the truth will reveal his lies one day but, I believe small town folks with little education actually thrive on the gossip and would rather believe a good made up story than the real truth. This has been extremely hard for me to shallow. I really do not want to leave the community because of a sicko ex-husband and an even sicker girlfriend who thrives on making up mere lies to try to destroy my credibility and break up friendships I’ve had for many years. Any suggestions?
First off, pay attention to your own inner healing work. Next, really think about this:
What is your healing worth? Weigh this out: Are you willing to stay in that town and endure the constant stuff; the lies and gossip? You may have answered your own question; in most small towns people prefer the drama and trauma of lies and gossip to truth. If those are really your friends they would not be falling for the lies; which, from the way your post is worded, they have. The most obvious tack is to make a new life elsewhere. Think of it this way: you are not leaving because of sickos; you are leaving to get a life. Keep us posted!
Cheers!
I can barely breathe through the pain right now. It is a matter of deciding which pain i want to choose. The pain of moving towards facing my own healing and doing the hard work of change or succumbing to the familiar pain of being devalued over and over and over……….this is life changing stuff….this time I want to choose to heal. I am not a stupid woman! Why does this lesson seem so hard??
I was just experiencing this heart pain in interactions with my daughter..and wondering what Melanie Tonia Evans had on her website to help me understand this pain. Life is funny, here you have it as your latest topic.
This heart pain gets triggered by her, it belongs to me and she is just the loving daughter presence.
This topic is Big for me, I read: The Biggest Things That HURT
Oh my..they do hurt
I promise myself to take this one with my full attention tomorrow.
Wow how do you do this great service, you make it look so easy to write and speak.
You are a great role model for me.
Love and Blessings
Amazing article
I was involved in a narcissitic relationship for almost 28 years with periods of separation when i couldnt deal with the situation anymore. I was drawn in again in 2011 until Dec 12/Jan 13 when i finally faced up to the truth that this man does not and never did love me based on behaviour and action NOT words.
This acknowledgement really messed with my head but it has shifted me. I think your article is brilliant but even better is how you turn the biggest hurts back to us individually, and while some of your suggestions and considerations are difficult pills to swallow, they are definitely antidotes to the obsessing about the N who is quite happily getting on with their lives. I think looking at , self and how we love and treat ourselves is absolutely key because i have known logically and intellectually, that my actions were not making sense, but emotionally it was if i could not break free, and i still ruminate over the why’s and wherefores.
I am learning to be softer on myself and there is a little annoyance creeping in now, that my being stuck is more time wasted when i have wasted enough already. Turning 50 this year really concentrated my mind, and made me start to see clearly how short life is and how much of my time and energy i had already allowed this man to have, and even ten minutes of thought on him, was more time that he did not deserve. I have worked on healing, read widely, visited therapists was in therapy for a year, and this helped enormously, but still residue of what did i do? and how could he do what he did. This year i have started to look more at myself and the dynamic of my childhood where i was told over and over i was bad, so i subsequently developed a unconscious self that did not believe she was good enough. I was not consciously aware of this limiting belief when i was in the relationship. The first break up in 1999 did make me consider it but i did not go deep enough and do the work. I think attracting a male friend who i could not say was a narcissist but who had other issues nonetheless was a real mirror espcially when he kept repeating why would a woman like you want to spend time with someone like me? I did begin to self reflect as i knew there was validity and truth in what he was saying. As this friendship began to deteriorate with behaviours that were not acceptable, i had to ask myself why was i putting myself in situations were i was being mistreated again. Had the 28 year N relationship not taught me anything, so i cut off from the friend but it was not at the first red flag, perhaps the third. However i still gave myself a pat on the back because i did see clearly that it wasnt about him but about me, specifically about me loving myself, knowing and enforcing my values in my choices and actions, and this situation helped me to reflect that the 28 year N had lied, because i hadn’t loved myself enough to walk away after catching him out in the lies, he had cheated because i hadn’t love myself enough to not give him another chance but to give myself a chance to have a real loving relationship. He had constantly put me down and triggered my not good enough issues,because subconciously i did not feel good enough, and his put downs put me in child mode, i would become disorientated and dizzy if he repeated messages of my mother, but all of it related to my childhood. When he asked me to marry him 15 years in and walked out two months later to be seen out publically with another woman a month or two later, i was devalued and discarded in my mind, because i didn’t love myself enough to know i deserved better than to want someone back who could do this to me instead of imploding because i felt rejected and abandoned by the person i loved just as i had as a child. All of this comes back to me this does not mean i am to blame i am absolutely clear about this, but i do recognise my accountability and responsibility in not giving myself enough self love and self care, that gave the N a fertile stomping ground to display and act out his dysfunction. I too believe my faith in God has helped to sustain me but i do know while i have done some work, there is still more to do, and the focus needs to be on me and my inner self and showing myself love, loving myself, accepting myself, and getting rid of those childhood limiting beliefs, that allowed the N to Con me for so long, because i needed to be loved, because a part of me did not believe i was lovable to the extent i put up with all kinds of unacceptable behaviours to have his love, and he had to accept nothing or do nothing to have mine. Illogical. However, the male friend situation moved me along, and i call him both my bridge from the N and my test.
My bridge because i had stepped out from my self imposed prisoon of fear to explore the possiblity of a relationship with someone of the opposite sex,and i did learn that despite the N i am still a positive loving caring person. My test because he began to test the boundaries with me and i knew i was being loving to myself to walk away. The old me would have been fixated on his needs and issues, and while i did feel empathy for what he was going through i knew adhering to my values and boundaries, and being loving to myself meant i had to walk away.
I believe it is a life times work to continue to heal,and to ensure i do not attract unhealthy and negative relationships.
I found your site last year and is a resource i am also using as part of my healing.
There is still anger on certain days, tears on others, but i acknowledg and accept these feelings as necessary to my journey of wholeness.
This article was like a snapshot of some of the self talk in my head, and seeing it here, reading it and understanding that others are going through, working through, what i have been through does help.
I am ready to be free of the N, no longer believe the lies, don’t have the need for his attention anymore, still have pangs about the other relationship and the other kids he had, but i am working hard to reframe my mind. I can identify with all the biggest hurts, but i really want to create the Biggest Joys in my life now, and not give him and his new life anymore of my thought energy. I will continue to ask for divine intervention to heal, but be gentle enough on myself to know that i am human, and unravelling 20+m plus years of brain washing, smoke screens and lies is not a process that happens overnight. While i have been working on healing for years, i know i have to do the inner work of loving me which is at the root of what happened to me with the N.
Your transformation suggestions will be very beneficial in reframing this negative experience with the N, i am determined to be happy and find joy, and release myself from the depression, anxiety and ill health i have experienced. I do believe that loving myself and believing, accepting and knowing absolutely that i am good enough, will help me transition into the next phase of my life. My 20′s 30′s some of my 40′s, used up my energy with the narc, want my 50′s to be my best years yet. I know this is in my hands and it is up to me.
A very insightful and practical article. Thank you for sharing.
destiny
Mel..
my block is that he is still with the same woman, that i now know he schemed, plotted, and engineered actions and behaviours towards me, that he knew absolutey would lead me to throwing him out in 1999.e.g Verbal abuse, intimidating and threatening behaviours
Since 1999 boomeranged back and forth between us, with the false you are the only one i love, and could ever love, a complete lie
He continued to engineer situations and behaviours for one of us (me or the other woman) to end the realtionship with him, depending on who he was with at the time, so he could be with the other, while appearing blameless always, he cannot cope with being disapproved of by friends or family, so he never does the ending of relationship.
I finally walked away in 2007 unable to deal with it anymore, by then he had already had a child with the other woman.
I was doing fine feeling happier with myself my life, and my kids, until 2011 when i was sucked in again, by his emotional breakdown while confessing, the other woman who he “doesn’t love” was pregnant again, this sent me into an emotional spiral, and crazily the person who i had had no contact with for over 2 years (2009 i made decision to have no contact) was the only person who appeared to soothe my pain. Crazy, but the soothing didn’t last long, when he decided it was time for me to stop overreacting.
So Here i was in 2011 being drawn into a web of madness yet again, knowing it was mad, but unable to just walk, and keep walking this continued until he had laid the ground to tell our children what the situation was e.g he was having a second child, with the woman they didn’t even know he was with anymore, smokes mirrors and lies.
However once our children were informed, and the world didn’t implode. All promises of a future became what they had always been empty and with no substance.
Logically i knew and i do know, how could i still want someone who could behave in this way, how could i behave in this way, when it was totally against my value system.
Somehow emotionally, i am still hung up by him being with the same woman, which doesn’t make sense, because i know he is not treating her any better, or being faithful based on his behaviours with me.
So what is my problem and why is this still bothering me?
The cycle of N madness started again in April 2011 and i found the strength to walk away Dec 12/Jan 13 when i realised i had been conned and used yet again.
I am working on me so why do i still get hung up on him still being with ” her” and upset that she has finally been introduced to his family, when told this this week, i was upset and crying, i do not get why?
i have worked hard on my healing, but the fact that this situation, has gone on for so many years, i still at some level see this as a reflection of me which i know is not true, and is nonesense
So I do know this is crazy thinking logically, as there is nothing wrong with me but emotionally, it is difficult for me to make that final leap to acceptance and this is still a block in my healing
any sugguestions?
destiny
Thank you so much for all the empowering articles you send us. I can identify with so many things and feel so good after reading them and all the comments that follow.
I do, however, find it so hard to let go. My narcissist had. been idolising me for years, we finally got together and it was wonderful being with him. All the prsents and the holidays, all the things which made him feel good and gave him significance came to the fore. But life is challenging and imade demands, concerning my daughter,living with us, and my dying mother. During our relationship he was always comparing himself to my ex husband and insisting that I admit how much better than him he is. It ended up, during an argument we had involving my daughter,, that I compared him unfavourably with my ex husband. The very next day I was devalued and discarded, no discussion, no closure and no concern on what would become of us. The minute we left his home he was already seeing someone else.
I loved him so, believed in being the love of his life, have so so many gifts he gave me, including diamonds, not to mention all the holidays he paid for me and the car. I am coning to teems with the fact that he was always seeking validation and that his ego needed constant massaging, but it is so hard to believe it was not real for him and that he now couldn’t care less if I lived or died. I grieve him like one would a dear husband, I grieve the good I believed he had in him, but which it now appears was never there. I feel I have no hope for the future and have lost all my dreams.
I wish I could well and truly get over him and rebuild my life somehoe, but, for any twilight fans out there, i feel doomed to be bella to his edward:( edward was worth it though!
Never before have I read such an accurate description of my ex husband. I was married for 19 years to a Narcissist, I just didn’t know it. He was an expert liar, he feigned love and affection as long as sex was at the top of our agenda. I actually began to feel totally drained of energy every time we had sex. It was as if the very act depleted ever ounce of energy I had, while it energised him. Whenever I refused he assaulted me. I thought he was ill, I went to the doctor about him, I thought of every conceivable excuse for his behaviour but eventually had to accept what he was. I couldn’t actually physically believe his behaviour and that was half the problem. It was so bizarre. He’d do things, say things and then deny it. He denied assaulting to such a convincing extent that I actually believed I was insane. I went into therapy and he didn’t like that at all. Me discussing our problems with an outsider. That’s when he began to show his true colours and the absolute HATRED he felt for me was visible, tangible, audible and totally shocking to me. The lies poured out of his mouth thick and fast, the nearer we got to divorce. I crawled out of that marriage on my belly with only a pair of leggings and a sweater to my name. Still I couldn’t believe this was REALLY the man I’d been married to, slept with, had children with for so long. After driving me to suicide, he finally admitted to my therapist that he had raped me. He came home and by way of an apology said “Sorry, I was out of order.” I spat in his face. It wasn’t a sincere apology, I couldn’t feel anything sincere coming from him at all. It was what he thought he needed to say to stop me divorcing him. I was a fully functioning woman, mother, career woman with a very responsible job – and I was so mentally confused by the gaslighting, the lying, the baiting and switching that I reached a stage where my mind had frozen and I struggled to put one foot in front of the other – in case I was doing it wrong! That’s what Narcissists can do to people. It’s like no other form of abuse, it’s subtle, invisible and can go on for years – until he realises you’re onto him. Then it gets 10 times worse as he does everything in his power to stop you from leaving. And the other thing that stops you is – you love him. You love who you THOUGHT he was, and you can’t quite get to grips with the fact that he’s NOT that person at all. You’ve been living with a stranger. That’s the scary part. The other scary part is he shows no remorse whatsoever for the damage he’s done. That’s what you’re there for. As you realise you’ve wasted a huge chunk of your life on a man who would only attend your funeral so he could dress up in a black suit and be the centre of attention as the grieving widower. Honestly, when I actually realised THAT could very well be his next trick – that’s when I summoned what little energy I had left and crawled out of the marriage. It’s been 20 years now, it’s taken me the same amount of years to recover from the abuse, as I was married to him. Yes, there were signs early on and right through – but if you don’t know what you’re looking for you don’t know what they mean. Everything fell into place once I was away from him. But it’s taken me 20 years to mentally and emotionally recover – now I’m making a physical recovery too. It’s never too late. I’m 60 – 40 years of my life have been wasted on him. The next 24 are my very own and I intend to thoroughly enjoy them!
Thank you so much for this article. It helped me realize that it’s not worth thinking about and or dealing with the drama that the narcissist creates.
Hi Melanie, thank you so much for this. Everything I read here really helps.
My friends told me my ex is a narcissist long before I started to see it. He has traits for sure, but so do I, I think. Maybe that is the co-dependency.
He also has traits that contradict the Narc ways. He never lied to me. He was brutally honest, even when it hurt me.
I lied to him (and myself) all the time, pretending I didn’t want/need things he wouldn’t give me. I pretended I wasn’t hurting because when I showed him my pain he would belittle it, feel unloved because of it or deny any part in it. My weakness made him angry. He left me many times, telling me I had broken him, but never really explaining how, furthering my insecurities and confusion.
I wasn’t myself most of the time, but a convoluted version of me, simultaneously protective and walking on eggshells. A nervous wreck, trying to be his dreamgirl.
My ex didn’t discuss things, he would talk as if he was holding lectures. Any disagreement of mine would “break” him. He needed total agreement and commitment to his interests to feel loved, saying that I was competing with him all the time instead of giving in to him. I was really just trying to keep my head above water, make sense of things, get a word in.
When he was hurt, it was my fault- and when I was hurt, it was my fault too. (I still forgive his every fault and blame myself.)
He told me I was the only one in the world for him and was hurt because I needed friends, ideas, sources of platonic love in my life besides him. He didn’t really care about anyone else but me, but I still didn’t feel heard, seen, truly loved, so I DID need friends. These people were below me, he would say, and he refused to mix with them.
Yet, he would say I shouldn’t need him as much as I did. Then he would say I didn’t care enough about him.
CONFUSING.
He only loved me while I was strong. He left me while I was going through major struggles (which he refused to acknowledge), and it broke me. I wasn’t ok for many months. I am still trying to make sense of it all.
I read so many horror stories here and though some REALLY applies to my ex, he really wasn’t mean on purpose. He didn’t cheat. He didn’t lie. He was completely transparent. He meant to protect and honor me, he just doesn’t know how to be tender or let me be weak. He isn’t a bad guy, he just is incapable of empathy for me.
He’s selfish, yes. But maybe I am too?
He had me on a pedestal for years, it just didn’t feel TRUE, and was interrupted by fights & breakups in between (which nearly killed me). During the breakups he goes NC. When we’re together, he wouldn’t leave me alone.
I couldn’t ever feel comfortable. He told me contradicting things all the time about our relationship– maybe he was confused too. Or maybe I was gaslighted. I don’t know.
And I would say anything to be back in his arms. I have apologized for everything, to no avail. Is that narcissist of me? Is he my supply? Or is that co-dependency?
Life without him is meaningless, dull and grey. Life with him excites and depletes me.
He has a new girl now. I try not to let this kill me. But it’s unfathomable. How could I be everything, then nothing? How can someone else take my place?
I understand that I have to heal the little girl in me who was wounded long before he was in my life. I understand (mentally, not emotionally) that this is about me and not him. He is a piece of my puzzle, a BIG piece, teaching me what I haven’t yet healed in me.
Thank you for these tools. Knowing I am not alone in this seemingly bottomless insanity is a comfort. xo
I know these posts are very old now, but I am so thankful that everyone made them and I just have to say that now. I have just done the third Module and was blown away by “The Biggest Hurt” radio show, blog, and the comments. This has done more for me than any therapy…bless my therapist…and I can’t thank you, Melanie, or the posters enough. Blessings to EVERYONE.
i’m revisiting your site on the anniversary of one of the bigger hurts that put into motion my finally leaving. its been one year.
today is very hard for me and while deleting pictures i found myself triggered terribly and spiraling down again.
i’m doing the hard work and moving through but its not linear. i feel alone.
Having grown up in a family whose bloodline is of both psychopaths and narcissists, I know firsthand that narcissists do have a conscience, but they either choose to ignore it or refuse to acknowledge it, and they will do as they please. Narcissists have the ability to become self aware and possibly “tone it down” as in my brother’s case.
The psychopaths are born without conscience, don’t know what it is, and lack brain systems for that feedback – being examined by neuroscientists now. Psychopaths are narcissists foremost. To unmask the psychopath in your life, please see: http://www.harlantaylor.com/faq.html
I really needed to hear this tonight…thank you : )
This article blamed the victim. Do you have a degree in psychology? Psychiatry? This kind of victim blaming is what creates self doubt and self hate. There is no way that there is no power outside self, otherwise why do soul work? This article was like another rape. I love, adore and have always deeply cared for myself. I still got sucked into the mind games of a narcissist. I feel bad for the women who take you as some sort of expert when really you have no credentials. My doctors warned me about authors such as you. Stop making women self blame, stop making the victim take responsibility for another’s actions and stop pushing the thought virus that this violence and abuse has a reason. Sometimes, things happen for no reason. Like death, abuse, hateful acts to good, loving people. Kind, empathic and wonderful people are taken advantage of, and it’s NOT THEIR FAULT. Nothing they could have done would have changed it. There’s no LESSON. Spirit is not cruel. There’s rigorous self care, self soothing and hibernation. There’s finding a way to carry on and thrive yet again. This article made me feel the same as when I got drugged at a bar and I woke up without my clothes on in an unknown house, and my sister blamed me for drinking.
This article blames the victim? I completely disagree. This article only validates yeah you are a victim and acknowledges yes you got served a shit sandwich. This articles empowers the victim to get over it. It actually says the exact opposite that’s it’s NOT your fault! First accept that this happened to you…don’t waste your energy trying to figure out why the narcissist did what they did just know the abuse is insidious, penetrating and real. Now figure out how to move on from it. How do you do that? Look within yourself, learn from it and armour up to make sure this crap doesn’t happen again. To hell with the narcissist…it’s their problem not yours and for Christ’s sake don’t waste your time trying to fix them or struggle to have them validate what you know to be true. Stop being a co-dependent and get on with your own life. They don’t give a shit about you. Period end of story. Yes you are very much the victim but never feel like you are to blame. Your heart got suckered because narcissist are simply con men/women and are good at it! You’ve been duped! Accept it and move on. Wallowing in self pity is destructive and will only hold you back from creating a happy life for yourself. Detach from the narcissist. You don’t have to forgive them you only have to forgive yourself. The only thing you can do is pray for them. Pray that they may one day find a soul and leave it up to God to forgive.
This article blamed the victim. Do you have a degree in psychology? Psychiatry? This kind of victim blaming is what creates self doubt and self hate. There is no way that there is no power outside self, otherwise why do soul work? This article was like another rape. I love, adore and have always deeply cared for myself. I still got sucked into the mind games of a narcissist. I feel bad for the women who take you as some sort of expert when really you have no credentials. My doctors warned me about authors such as you. making women self blame, stop making the victim take responsibility for another’s actions and stop pushing the thought virus that this violence and abuse has a reason. Sometimes, things happen for no reason. Like death, abuse, hateful acts to good, loving people. Kind, empathic and wonderful people are taken advantage of, and it’s NOT THEIR FAULT. Nothing they could have done would have changed it. There’s no LESSON. Spirit is not cruel. There’s rigorous self care, self soothing and hibernation. There’s finding a way to carry on and thrive yet again. This article made me feel the same as when I got drugged at a bar and I woke up without my clothes on in an unknown house, and my sister blamed me for drinking.
This soothed my soul and restored me to myself.
I could cry I feel so deeply and profoundly grateful.
I am troubled by the implication that the end goal is to be worthy of a romantic relationship. Hopefully I’m misunderstanding something. I think encouraging people to take on the responsibility of healing themselves is valid and valuable (and not victim blaming at all). But isn’t it just part of an outdated belief system that people are not whole without a romantic match? I cherish my freedom from it and from the supposed need for it. Maybe that is due to having incredibly satisfying relationships with my two children and strong loving relationships with my eight siblings and many nieces and nephews. But I think it’s important to recognize that a person’s journey can include losing interest in (without being fearful of) romantic relationships, and the person can still be considered whole and normal. Please let’s get rid of the idea that attracting a worthy “soul mate” and being a worthy “soul mate” is the be all, end all. Again, sorry if I misunderstood on this point.
Hi Rachel,
I totally agree worthiness and wholeness are in no way dependent on being partnered.
Wholeness and happiness are always between us and ourselves, and then can be shared in a relationship (in any form).
Mel xo
Agree what you say 💯 Rachel…I have never been happier on my own now that I’ve done much healing with Narp and am evolving into my truest self. I’m loving my life as is and if I meet someone, who meets me having the level of consciousness and wholeness in his life too and we really like one another and take time getting to know one another …..then yes I’ll consider it, otherwise im no going out to look for a man, no online for me.There is so much freedom and loving life that keeps me happy and fulfilled now.
I got through only the paragraph on Soul work and just about lost my lunch. Such crap. “Meant to be” is a lame platitude based upon the flimsiest of magical thinking. It smacks of patriarchal religions and their quasi “spiritual” offspring that simply reek of justification for narcissistic behavior. I left that nonsense behind long ago. All it does is perpetuate victimhood and victim blame expecting you to accept that somehow you asked for it and its up to YOU to change yourself. Think about what feelings THAT reinforces. The next line about victimhood being a reflection or manifestation of how I treat myself? Oh, I am SURE that I deserved this kind of cruelty from babyhood forward because I didn’t treat myself with respect when I was 18 months of age. I’m SURE that it was all based upon a “loving intent” of some benevolent god.
Narcs are vicious and unchangeable products of early abuse and largely unchangeable. To the extent that you figure out how to NOT let them slip past your radar as and adult, good for you. But, to me, this is the kind of article that promotes airy fairy thinking about bolstering your self esteem by carrying a 25 page list of affirmations to remember while you are being barraged with insults and then taking your 14th place ribbon for showing up to learn how special you are.
Come to terms with who your adversary is, recognizing that there are some really nasty people in the world that will never change and that you should avoid. Get them out of your life. Period. Mom, Dad, Sister, Brother, Spouse, Cousin, Child, Boss? OUT. The same goes for anyone who falls in line with them and plays the “flying monkey” game with you. OUT. Forget about figuring them out, understanding them and brining them to the “light.”. Narcs simply want to get your attention, demean you to make themselves look “superior” (now THERE’s moral bankruptcy for you) and get you to do their dirty work so that you pay the price for what they know is unacceptable. What’s so damned special about them that they deserve space in your life and the privilege of making you miserable?
Stop torturing yourself, walk away and feel the immeasurable peace that comes over your new life. Lonely? You’ll find others. There is your family, and your family of choice. Novel concept: You now get to choose that. Hollowed out shell? Maybe that’s because the way they taught you to think doesn’t work and has to go. Time to go explore the world through your own likes and dislikes, morals and philosophy. Welcome to life.
Maybe the author has some good questions or relevant points for you. I’ll pass. I was too busy losing lunch over the initial suppositions.
hi I am not in good place again it’s like the first day he left me all over again and I can’t cope or deal with the emotional pain I had alot of trouble last time and I almost didn’t make it.
I can’t seem to find out how I done it last time books any helping me at all.
I am so tried and confused with everything again I am depressed can’t stop crying thinking about him again.
I hate myself more than last time for letting myself going back throw this again so stupid I didn’t learn same thing from last time
I have had enough,I give up give in I am to tried to even care anymore about anythink anymore if this is what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life then I would rather end it all onecs and for all no one cares if I do no one would miss me no one loves me not even myself and more I am just a waste of existent