As you know narcissistic abuse can have devastating effects in your life.
Losing the dream partner that you thought you had…
Dealing with him/her attempting to discredit your reputation with friends and family…
Losing countless nights of sleep incessentantly wondering what he/she is doing next…
But there is one side effect of trauma that I believe is worse than anything and everything…
So what is the worst side effect of trauma?
We becoming terrified of ‘being.’
Which means no matter how hard we try we can’t feel ‘normal’.
We are constantly anguished, and could be suffering the symptoms of Post, or even Complicated Traumatic Stress Disorder – which is a very common result of being narcissistically abused.
After suffering narcissistic abuse I can recall the dreaded fear I would experience from just walking out my door. A phone call or even a knock on the door could send me into panic.
I couldn’t have a conversation with someone without my anxiety rising to a point where I would be shaking inside.
If we don’t feel safe in life, we don’t feel safe with ourselves.
What this really means is: we don’t feel safe to be in our own bodies.
It wasn’t until I learnt how to feel safe and whole within my body, without any distractions that I healed my past fully and started living an authentic life.
In this article I am going to share many of the ways I have learned to feel safe and whole in my body, and how I stay firmly committed to being in my own body in calm, peace, solidness and emotional wellbeing.
The Out of Body Experience
Mental well-being is a product of emotional well-being.
If our emotions are a mess, our mind has a very hard time dealing with the body’s trauma.
I discovered – as a result of two narcissistic abuse experiences and my desire and journey to deeply recover – that recovery is not about what the mind would like to think and do, because if we don’t address the emotional state within the cells of our body it can be really hard to get the mind to take control of our emotions.
Especially if our emotions are peaking with fear, pain, loss and anguish.
Especially if our emotions can’t simply be at peace.
During my healing journey, there were lots of things I discovered about myself, that I also discovered about others working at recovery from narcissistic abuse.
A consistent common denominator was: the grave difficulty to be in our bodies.
Being in our body means having the ability to be present with ourself without distractions.
If we are ‘not in our bodies’, we feel disassociated, disjointed and often ‘frantic’. Our emotions and our minds feel anguished, and are highly susceptible to being triggered.
We can feel incredibly fragile, and vulnerable, and fear being unable to control or create our life.
In my recent article I talked about being vulnerable with ourselves, and how vital it is to self-soothe.
Lots of my inner work and research allowed me to realise that people who were not emotionally soothed as children, when suffering negative emotion, have an impaired ability to ‘be with themselves healthily’ when feeling emotionally distressed.
This leads to addiction, and obsessive compulsions, and seeking others (including unhealthy relationships) to try to find relief outside of ourselves – because we didn’t know or believe that we could be present with ourselves.
This article is about taking this understanding deeper…
Coming Inside Your Body
I would like you to try a little exercise.
Whilst sitting on your couch or chair just stop.
Sit and do nothing.
Set a timer for ten minutes.
Just be.
Just breathe in and out and take your awareness inside of yourself.
Don’t let yourself think of anything outside of you. If you do, just keep bringing your awareness back to inside of yourself.
What this is – in effect – is you connecting to the inside of your body.
It is in this state that you will ‘see’ how comfortable you are being in your own body.
If this feels like a lovely natural hiatus – then you are very comfortable (and familiar) with being in your body.
If this feels highly uncomfortable, such as your mind keeps incessantly thinking thoughts, or you want to do anything else but do this, or you feel incredible emotional pain that you don’t want to ‘be’ with, this is a powerful indication that you are living your life outside of your body.
Why Do We Need to Be In Our Bodies?
It is common to be living the illusion of separation.
In this state we don’t believe we can trust life, and we certainly don’t know how to trust ourselves.
This is all part of fearful and painful survival programs, which have taken hold and accumulated deep within our subconscious mind (the cellular network throughout our entire body).
The older we get the more intense, dense and ingrained these faulty beliefs become.
Whilst operating through survival beliefs, we feel that life and living necessitates strategies to survive. We believe that life doesn’t have our back, and that there is NOT a stream of well-being which we are connected to, or deserve to experience.
All of these false premises are born out of the illusion of separation.
The more separated we are from the inherent stream of well-being, which is our natural state to live as – the more it hurts.
The greater the ‘gap’ the greater negative emotion is suffered.
What we may not have realised is that by trying to ‘control’ things in the outer world, the greatest separation we continue to experience is the separation with ourselves.
And we did not realise this is what equalled being separated from worthiness, well-being, and love.
We did not realise that to be connected to the stream of well-being, we needed to be in our bodies connected to ourselves.
The Substitutes and the Consequences
When we are in this state of separation we have to use alternatives to try to feel better – because we are disconnected from our True Self state of inherent worthiness, well-being and love.
The substitutes become other people, food, alcohol, seeking acclaim, attention, sex, material goods etc. etc. etc.
Now initially these things can feel good, or even great.
Because the focus is taken temporarily off the ‘raw and ragged edge’ of negative emotions (I love this expression of Ester Hicks) caused by our own ‘separation’.
It is really important to understand that anything on the outside is never the solution. What it is, rather, is temporary relief.
Temporary relief can feel wonderful – especially if it alleviates horrendous lack of worthiness, painful feelings of unlovability, and the agony of being cut off from the natural flow of the well-being of life.
In fact many, many people mistake the temporary relief of someone else taking emotional pain away as ‘love’.
It isn’t love.
It is the dependence on another person granting you emotional pain relief from yourself, when in fact you are the only person who can be responsible for, and effective at healing your own internal pain and closing the ‘gap’ of your separation from yourself.
Many people use the ‘high’ (relief) of sex, food, alcohol, attention or material gain to try to gain a connection to themselves. What they don’t realise, until they become conscious, is that the only way to get in your own body (create inner connection) is by going within and working at getting at peace within. It can never be provided by something from the outside.
If outside fixes are sought, the ‘gap’ persists, and more sex, food, alcohol, attention or material gain becomes necessary.
Every time these quick fixes wear off, the emotional pain of being separated from Source (the stream of well-being of life)returns.
You may or may not have realised that ‘Source’ and ‘Self’ are actually the same thing. That is how truly incredible your True Self is. You are Source.
As soon as you are pinched off from yourself, you are pinched off from the well-being of Source.
Why then wouldn’t we want to be in our own body?
Because we have not healed and made peace within ourself…
This occurs if we have been trying to get away from our inner wounds through other people and things on the outside. Every time we use this strategy, we continue to diminish our own connection with ourselves.
We Can’t Master Emotions Out of Our Body
When we are ‘separated’ from ourselves we are NOT in our body.
This means we are not able to just ‘be’ with our emotions, without feeling the intense pain of them, fearful that they will be overwhelming, and fearful that we don’t have the resources to handle whatever emerges for us emotionally from the inside and the outside.
Of course a great deal of this can be unconscious.
In fact, if this has been your normal level of operation since a very young age (as it was for me), you won’t even realise that this has been what your life looks like.
Here is the clincher – that is so important for members of this Community to understand.
Both narcissists and co-dependents suffer from not being in their body.
Co-dependents were not taught how to ‘be in their bodies’ healthily and self-soothe. They did not have their feelings and emotions validated by parental role models, and did not know how to go within to do this for themselves.
Co-dependents grew up with the programming to avoid emotions, and detach from valuing themselves emotionally.
Narcissist suffered traumatic childhoods, ones that we bad enough as a result of abuse, abandonment, engulfment or being objectified that they spilt out of their bodies. They submerged and ‘killed off’ their True Selves and created an ‘outer’ persona – a False Self to replace it.
Narcissists are not in their bodies. It is far too painful to be there. The self-annihilating super-ego which is mercilessly battering the narcissist, with a crippled ineffectual ‘inner’ being destroyed by it, ensures horrendous internal pain.
This incredible inner fragility and insecurity is why the slightest trigger for a narcissist can lead to incredible reaction and narcissistic rage.
Narcissists are chronically insecure, and their egos (False Self) intensely personalise and create insane ‘stories’ around things that non-narcissists would not bat an eyelash at.
Many people believe that co-dependents and narcissist are ‘opposites’ and that is why they attract each other.
Even though on surface level that may appear to be the case (and I understand why it could appear to be so) I disagree heartedly.
We all live in an energetic world that is governed by Law of Attraction (like attracts like), therefore it is impossible for energetic opposites to connect.
It is not the surface ‘doing’ (strategies) that create attraction – it is the deep and powerful emotional belief systems.
Vulnerable people attract vulnerable people. All abusers are horrifically insecure. The abused are also.
Abused and abusers are really the two sides of the one coin – the coin of not being a Source to Self.
Obviously the most profound difference is that narcissists (the more damaged) don’t possess a conscience, whereas co-dependents who did not kill of their True Self, and construct a life through a False Self do possess a conscience.
So please don’t think in any shape of form I am using these emotional similarities to state you are a ‘bad’ person – because I know you absolutely are not!
My desire is not to shame you in any way (the narcissist did a great job of that), my purpose is to help you understand how to recover, evolve and heal and create a wonderful life full of Source – which is love, well-being and worthiness as a result of ‘coming home to yourself’.
In order to do this you have to get in your body. It has to be safe for you to be firmly in the driver’s seat of mastering being solid and ‘being with’ your emotions.
The Benefits of Being In Your Body
Firstly you will be able to feel ‘whole’ for no reason at all other than being connected to yourself – that is what Source well-being truly ‘just’ feels like.
And you won’t be triggered into powerlessness, fear and anxiety when ‘something’ happens in your life outside of you.
Rather than have your emotions triggered, controlled and throttled by things and people outside of you, your emotions will be what they were intended to be – powerful signals to honour, trust and create an authentic life for yourself.
Can you see that this very ‘separation from ourselves’ causes us to get derailed by narcissists?
It means we tried to gain ‘connection’ from the outside to ourselves, with another disconnected person (Law of Attraction).
Then we didn’t trust ourselves, we didn’t lay boundaries – and we got hooked in to ‘the outside’ – which meant trying to change and control the narcissist in order to try to stop our internal emotional agony.
Can you see that if you are in your body, and you are ‘whole and solid’ how that simply wouldn’t happen?
Can you see and understand that if you truly are in your body, and are connected to the well-being of Source that you can’t even possibly be a ‘match’ for a narcissist?
Can you see the different vibrational realities – that this person is not going to be attracted into your experience and you certainly are not going to be ‘attracted’ to that person?
In fact a narcissistic opportunity would not even enter your reality, because ‘narcissism’ would be a completely different vibrational Universe.
Can you understand that the ‘attraction’ was because unknowingly you and the narcissist were both not in your bodies, and you were so busy, capable and involved in everything outside yourself (generally looking after everyone and everything else other than yourself) that you didn’t realise this?
How to Get In Your Body
I hope I’ve convinced you that recovery is about getting back in your body. It is about being able to ‘be’ with your inner without going for anything outside of you to try to escape your own emotions.
I promise you – I know when feeling emotionally terrorised how incomprehensible that originally feels.
But I also promise you this – the sooner you make getting back in your body your vital mission in your life, the sooner you will heal, recover your life, and start creating your Real Life.
I’m going to share with you many ways to do this – and how I did this, and how I stay firmly committed to being in my own body in calm, peace, solidness and emotional wellbeing.
When I realised all of this, it was at a time when my emotions were incredibly painful. It was after the second narcissist.
Because of my understanding of what he was – the anguish was not about ‘him’, or losing him, or anything connected to him. Unlike the first narc there were no illusions of ‘love’ this time.
There was a relief to be finally out and know I would never mistake what he represented as love again.
However, I had shattered emotions. Trauma, huge emotional symptoms again, and obsessive reoccurring thoughts of the usual array of narcissistic betrayal, projections, accusations, adultery, false promises and pathological lies – all the normal symptoms of narcissistic abuse, and the knowing I had been ‘narced’ again.
I knew I was hugely separated from my inherent Source of wellbeing, and my ‘body’ (cellular subconscious / emotions) was not in good shape.
Simply climbing into my body and ‘being with it’ would have been like trying to create bliss within a Beirut war zone.
It just wasn’t that simple.
A great deal of ‘body work’ on releasing pain was necessary – to tone down the bombs going off so that I could get inside my body and stay there.
The method I used to release tons of pain as quickly as possible was Quanta Freedom Healing (the same processes that are in the NARP Program), which meant shifting out (and wailing out) the pain.
Daily I did this, often for hours at a time. Within weeks the pain has diminished considerably, and my mind was reflecting these changes, with far less obsessive thoughts. I got stronger and healthier as each day progressed.
But then I had to confront so much more than just the ability to get on with and out into life again. I had gone through recovery before, but I knew I HAD TO go a lot deeper.
After all I had fallen for a narcissist AGAIN – and how on earth did that happen?
I knew there were two main things – I still had Family of Origin stuff to clean up (which led me to create healings for this for myself, which I have shared with you in the new mini-program.)
Also I realised I was not a full, solid, anchored in Source to myself – even though I thought I was.
Second narc had shown me point blank I wasn’t.
I knew enough about Law of Attraction, recovery from narcissistic abuse and personal development to know there was no kidding myself.
I knew I had to take 100% responsibility in order to heal myself.
So this time I focused massively on getting into my body. This led to working on myself energetically and physiologically to get in the best possible shape I have ever been in in my life – Body, Mind and Soul.
I wanted more than anything EVER to truly create myself as a healthy Source to myself.
As well as the inner shift work, I got blood tests done, and discovered I was incredibly iron, magnesium and Vitamin D deficient, and possible had been for most of my life.
It is really important to understand that trauma and abuse wreaks incredible havoc on your body – your body dumps incredible amounts of ‘health’ when cortisol and adrenaline are coursing through your body.
Survival chemicals are meant to only operate for short bursts. The long term effects of these chemicals are disastrous for your wellbeing, and a huge amount of significant damage occurs. Sadly most medical practitioners only wish to advise anti-depressants rather than deal with your vitamin and mineral levels, or actually purging the toxic emotional pain.
It is vital to understand that the body / brain connection is absolute – with your ‘body’ being the most important thing you can work on. You need to be able to clear out the toxicity of painful emotions and also get your body cellularly into a healthy state for your brain to have its best possible chance to be healthy.
Deficient and / or toxic body chemistry equals depression and negative emotions, which of course only accentuates the separation from ‘being in our body’. If it is too painful and traumatic to be in our body this means we have no option other than to ‘look outwards’ to emotionally survive.
This is the total recipe for co-dependency and abuse.
I also sourced flower essences, and homeopathy and worked with remedies to assist in every way possible to support the deep toxic emotional purging I did with Quanta Freedom Healing, help heal my emotions, and make it as solid as possible for me to be ‘with me’.
I also do yoga DVDs every morning which are wonderful to stretch, open up, ‘be’ in my body and connect to the incredible Source of well-being that permeates ‘life’ in every moment of every day.
I also made a decision to create new and valuable friendships with like-minded people, and eliminated any remaining people from my life that I knew were not taking responsibility for their lives, and damaging others as a result.
I started creating green smoothies every day that were filled with organic produce, and super food supplements.
I gave up all addictive impulses, and continued to use Quanta Freedom Healing work to shift the big painful separated parts of myself that were emerging as fearful or in pain and causing the anxiety to try to find relief outside of myself.
That cycle had to stop, and every time it emerged I went ‘within’ instead. I do regular meditation and daily walking to ‘just be’ breathe and connect into my body as daily maintenance.
I truly can’t express to you how incredible it feels to be in my body.
I have to pinch myself regularly when I realise the difference between the Old Me and the New Me (the Real Me) – that whilst I was the Old Me I really didn’t know wasn’t functional.
Now I realise just how dysfunctional and ‘surviving’ and ‘existing’ I was.
The results of being in my body are huge. I am an energetic attraction for so much ‘more’ in my life. Things are unfolding that are miraculous. The people I am interacting with are at a higher vibration than previously. I feel powerful, safe and happy to expand out into life.
Because I feel so much more whole and solid, edginess, anxiety, emptiness and loneliness is gone.
Life is soooo completely different!
Truly being in our body is glorious and where it is at…
But we need to heal our body, release the toxicity and honour it to get in there and stay there.
It is impossible to be inside your body happily and healthily when it is clogged up with pain, trauma and toxicity – and this is why it is vital to let go and clear it out.
I hope this has given you some food for thought and solutions, and I look forward to your comments and any questions below.
Fascinating article, & so true of the experiences of most people who have endured a relationship with a narcissist, especially if the relationship was lengthy. Yoga & body work Tai Chi etc. are good methods to get back into the body, I visited an energy therapist / chiropractor when I was with my ex N & he told me that my chakras were all misaligned with the base chakra where the solar plexus chakra is usually located & that it looked as if my chakra system was trying to climb out of my body with some of the chakras actually located above my crown & outside my body. One thing that I find very helpful & healing is to have regular contact with the Earth, walking barefoot or with shoes with leather soles ie moccasins. Visualising a column of violet flame/light passing through the crown from source/heaven right through the body & down into the Earth & then back up again cleansing & releasing all toxins & emotional debris, is also a useful practice which can be done any where & at any time. We are indeed powerful co creators. Be Blessed Jyoti xx
Jyoti,
I so appreciate what you shared. The base chakra is grounding and safety and it was such a good visual when you said your chakra sytem “was trying to climb out of your body.” I think that is how unsafe we feel when we are with a narcissist. I will definitely get barefoot and feel the solid earth beneath me. I found swimming very grounding as well. I am still leaving and this article is so timely and perfect as I am still much afraid and unsafe until all my things are in my new apartment. Love to all of you on this journey! You all help me so much!
Thank you Laura, so glad you are in the process of moving out, if you can get to the point where you can do no contact you will be more than half way to recovery. May the Angels surround & protect, guide & direct you as you create a healthy new life for yourself. Be in Joy, Jyoti xx
Hi Jyoti,
Thank you for your post, and your lovely contribution!
Grounding and nature is definitely very stabilising and healing.
Releasing is key – and in fact the biggest key. Because it is impossible to simply put in ‘wellbeing’ when toxic pain and emotions are blocking us up.
Many people don’t realise that it is the toxic emotions which are the biggest cause of emotional distress, and what needs to be addressed first and foremost, and the health options are in fact supplementary to creating wellbeing.
Mel xo
I can truly relate to this now! My narc took me away last weekend on a holiday! Why did I go? I went because we share the same sport interest and we have always gone to these events and having missed out in march! I said yes! We had a fab time, it was like we were never apart! He cuddled into me for the three nights and actually seemed a lot more interested and attentive! We didn’t bring up why he left but he did say he may come home but just not sure when! He said he has been going to Mecca! Whatever that is and reading the bible!!! He is still going out and drinking every weekend! Anyway came home and he came into house and then took his mail and went back to his flat! I had decided that this wasnt going to set me back to the mess I was in when he left in February! He called last Tuesday just to talk about general things! He asked me to cook him some food and freeze it for him! He has since been in the pub all weekend and he called last night ! No mention of nothing, just all him and what he is doing! He going away again in a couple off weeks diving with sharks then going on tour November with a band! His life seems just fine! Am now struggling a bit as had a good time away with him and just wish he was home!! But I do know within myself unless he changes I know I couldn’t have him back at home the way he is! All a mess again! Why is a nice decent man so boring and why do I like the drama and why after all that he has hurt me I still had a great time and real closeness to him?! X
Oh, Jo,
I so understand the hooks back in. I, too, wonder how I will deal with the temptation when he comes around again, when the latest girlfriend he left me for becomes the “abhored instead of adored.”
But its like a drug. I can tell my all the exclamation points that you are kind of high off the danger and self-destruction of it all. I see now what Melanie means about peptide addiction. I am starting to understand it in myself. I was a victim of a narcissist in childhood (my father) and the tiny little drips of attention get me all excited that I will get MORE. But the REAL addiction is when I get disappointed. Being DISAPPOINTED is my peptide drug of choice. It is the crash that I live for. I used to think it was the high of togetherness but Melanie has taught me what codependency really is: filling the hole in me with bad emotions that I got used to as a kid.
Your hopes are up and he knows how to get them up. The rollercoaster is the fun of him and that’s why normal guys are boring. No rollercoaster. Thank you for sharing. I see so much of my own experience in yours. Thank you for being my teacher today.
Jo, you need to get this guy out of your life.
For one thing, Mecca is an Islamic thing; so what is a Muslim doing reading the Bible? Makes no sense. He comes around when he wants attention then leaves. This is ridiculous and no way for you to live. Please keep reading Melanie’s newsletters, and do the checklist; this guy is a NARC through and through. If you want drama, join a theater group. The closeness you feel with him is illusory at best, a lie at worst. You are way out of touch with yourself; re-read Melanie’s latest article on Being In Your Body; you will see that you have some work to do. You can do it-you have the ability- please keep us posted of your progress; but you really should get away from that NARC. At least he is no longer in your apartment; keep him out of there. It would be best to just go No Contact with him and be done with him. You are addicted to the drama; that is why this pattern keeps repeating.
Hi Jo,
The ‘why did I go’, and ‘Why do I like the drama’, are good recognitions – and it is wonderful that you are starting to inner reflect.
All of us who were hooked by narcissists – which is a common thread, can relate.
The truth does lie ‘within’. There were unhealed parts of us that were hooked into trauma bonding, ‘love equals pain and drama’, and many other associated inner defunct (and painful) belief systems undermining our own levels of deservedness and worthiness of healthy, life-affirming love.
In essence it is a pattern that you need to heal and break. It relates to your ‘past’ long before the narcissist showed up in your life, one which the narcissist as a catalyst is ‘showing up’ for you. Hence the pain and distress you are feeling now .- which is letting you know you need to heal
Our internal patterns and belief systems don’t change simply because we know ‘something isn’t right’. They change when we become determined to stop the pain, go inwards and deeply discover ‘what isn’t right’ and work on ourselves.
This is what I and so many others had to do – because this pattern of not honouring ourselves and staying hooked to abusers, pain and drama is very consistent with people who have been narcissistically abused.
Jo I can’t recommend the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program enough. The information is at the top right of this blog page.
The reason why it is so effective at relieving the pain from narcissistic abuse is because as a result of working the QFH healings in it, you get to identify and release the specific emotional programs inside of you which cause you to be hooked to the narcissist as your ‘source’ – and you are released to come home to yourself as your own Source.
It releases the pain and the anxiety out of your body and replaces it with calm, solidness, and deep inner-knowing as a result of ten specific healings to ‘unhook’ you.
Please watch the video, read the testimonies and also read or listen to the Thriver Shows on this blog, and you will understand what NARP has done for people.
If you wish to change this emotional agony and this inner program in your life, that is the way it can be done.
Additionally NARP costs less than one therapy session, and you have a complete money back guarantee – so it is a very small outlay, with no risk, to completely change your life.
Mel xo
Hello Jo,
It does sound as if you have a narc in your life, they love to keep people on a string, or a “keep net”, they will do this as long as we let them do it. My ex would have used me as a pit stop/whipping girl, after we broke up & he discarded me for another woman, if I had continued to comply with his lies & betrayals. How convenient for them & how terribly painful for us. Having been alone for the last 3/4 years, I have evolved a motto which is “I would rather be alone, than to be in bad company” When I say bad company I mean anyone, who leaves me feeling less happy, less worthy, less content with myself, less in harmony with who I am in my essence, than I was before I interacted with them. When you really get into the habit of holding yourself in unconditional positive self regard, you won’t allow others to treat you badly anymore. Love Jyoti xx
Excellent no-nonsense, logical explanation of why & how! That was very helpful. Your work is amazing.
Hi Sara,
thank you for your lovely comments and I am so pleased you enjoyed the article.
Mel xo
Hi Melanie and readers,
Lovely to receive your email, it always seems to come at just the right time.
Hmm..have a small dilemma; as a recovering victim of narcissistic abuse, I am not out of the woods yet when it comes to knowing which friends to keep and which to discard. None of them are living up to my expectations, am I being too harsh? Eg Every Sunday I join a friend and her husband at their favourite coffee shop before we go walking..an interest we both share. I am not keen on the coffee at this place and have suggested we go somewhere else every now and again..for a change. My girl friend won’t agree; being indulged by her husband and mum, she has got used to having things her own way so Ive let it slide. Well last week, her husband was sick and my girl friend and I decided to attend an outdoor concert held on the opposite side of town to the coffee shop. So I was happy when she agreed to my suggestion beforehand..which was ‘let’s have coffee down there today..as it was where we would be meeting anyway. You can imagine my surprise when she turned up holding a take away coffee from her usual shop..then headed straight to the concert to find a seat…while I was left to go and get my coffee alone before joining her. Your thoughts members would be appreciated. Thx in advance!
Hello Karen.
It sounds as though you are aware of what you want which is to have coffee at a place where the coffee is to your liking. You have openly suggested to your friend that you would like something different and it appears that although she seemed to agree, in reality, she undermined your suggestion, the result being that she did not really go along with your suggestion, but turned up with her own coffee. Perhaps you might like to consider how this made you feel inside and consider whether these sorts of experiences are what you want to continue experiencing.My experience has shown me that when I am vulnerable and share what is important to me, I learn from others’ responses, whether they truly care about me and what is important to me. By her actions, it appears that this friend is bent on only caring for what is important to her. Is this the sort of friend with whom you can really enjoy a safe relationship. Perhaps if you set a boundary with her, this will let her know that your friendship is her is dependent on reciprocity. She may choose to continue in the way that she has done up until now. Then the question would be, what is holding you back from releasing this friend if it is not possible to get your needs met in a more reciprocal manner.
Karen,
I care too much about others to even begin to understand how your “friend” could be so inconsiderate and unconcerned about your wishes. It’s like she just lives her life along side of yours as long as it is convenient to her. I’m sorry for your experience and wish for you a better friend. I wish I could give you some real founded advise, but like you am bewildered by her actions. Best Wishes!
Karen,
Sounds like this so-called friend of yours is not much of a friend. She sounds manipulative. do you really want to keep going on with someone who obviously does not give a care as to what you want? You deserve better.
Hi Karen,
I am so glad that this article came at the right time for you.
Karen, I am a huge advocate for inner reflecting – because I have deeply understood that life is always reflecting back to us what we need to heal within ourselves, and in that vein I would love to guide you here.
Whenever we feel that people ‘are not living up to our expectations’ as a theme in our life, this truly is a time to go within and honestly ask ourselves “Where am I not living up to my own expectations and what I need from me?”
Because the truth is our life themes are always reflecting back to us our essential relationship with ourselves.
So I’d like you to do that. Go within and honestly check in and ask yourself “Do I talk to myself lovingly and encouragingly?” “Do I listen to myself about what I need from me?” “Do I support myself and grant myself love in times of need?”
In no way am I suggesting you ‘be an island’, what I am saying is that when you have shored up within you more self-love and self-nurture, and more self-attention that people in your life will start to grant to you that to you also – as a higher priority.
Our belief systems are powerful and ‘absolute’ in our lives. The belief ‘None of them are living up to my expectations’ can only grant you ‘more of that’. People may argue and say “But that is what happens”, and truly as long as that is a painful charge, and as long as it is their focus then it continues to ‘play out’.
The interactions we have with people are always within the energetic charges (our beliefs)that we hold about these interactions, people will always continue to grant ‘what we believe’, and their interactions with other people can be completely different in alignment than the ones we have with them – according to the belief systems these other people have.
That is how powerful our belief systems are, life always grants the direct evidence of them, and then we simply have ‘confirmed’ that what we believe.
This is what I would do, if I was you to heal this pattern.
1) Look deeply within to the pattern of feeling invisible and not important in people’s lives. It has childhood roots, and roots before your narcissistic experience (if the narcissist was an intimate partner).Life (via these people) is lovingly showing you that there is still work to be done on healing these core wounds.
2) Self-reflect in regard to your relationship with yourself, and start working at granting yourself more love, attention and inner fulfilment.
3) Take your focus off what people in your life ‘are not granting you’ and start focusing on love and appreciation for these people (which will change what you are attracting from them),
after doing these steps…and leaving out ‘what they aren’t doing’..
4) work at being ’emotionally authentic’ – which means being able to honestly and lovingly express your feelings to people in your life, and asking for what you need.
Emotionally authenticity is ESSENTIAL in any real relationship we have with people in our life – but it must come from a solid base of us being completely intimate, real and present for ourselves, our wounds and our own healing first.
It grants people the opportunity to meet you at a high level of trust, connection, support and real love.
It is never anyone else’s responsibility to create this for us – it is always our responsibility to ourselves, because we only ever have control of our own experience – never the experience and choices of others.
This formula Karen if you dedicate to it will change yourself, your life and your relationships at all levels beyond description.
I hope it has helped.
Mel xo
I have read all posts with keen interest. Never has one spoken so loudly and clearly. I am in the tornado of custody/parenting order “negotiations” with my ex. I called in a lawyer a few weeks ago because he refused mediation when I initiated it months ago despite the sheer terror that invoked in me. I shake uncontrollably when I even read his name in my email list, it was even to the point at one stage where just opening my email list would trigger an anxiety attack.
He has tried to change our sons health team (he has a chronic illness requiring constant interventions) only to be told its unacceptable by the health professionals that currently take care of him (thank god for health professionals that put our son first not his fathers demands)
He has now taken to emailing me again directly and even had his mother and new ( very young ) partner try to bully me into making decisions that would effect my sons health and is all of a sudden insisting on going back to mediation option.
This whole time, I have ignored his emailed insults and degradations. I am dealing only with my lawyer and my sons health professionals directly with concerns/ communications.
For the past few weeks its been ok but he is escalating his attempts to get supply from me over the past few days. He has been told no by my lawyer and the health team and I think this has triggered this latest barrage.
This article was the biggest OMG moment. As I sat shivering from the very core of my being after a demanding email directed to my lawyer but with myself ccd and having a meltdown that my lawyer hadn’t responded in a time fast enough to appease him, your email arrived on my list. I was clicking update every few seconds praying she would respond to him before he escalated further and the universe (well Melanie) sent me this instead.
I can not possibly have identified more completely with anything in that moment ever!! Thank you.
Meg,
I, too, shake and get physically afraid just hearing from my narcissist boyfriend. YOu are being so brave to not respond to the barrage. What a scary thing to have a vulnerable child affected by his power games. I am so sorry you are going through this.
Hi Meg,
I am glad the article spoke clearly to you.
Karen, it truly is a terrible time trying to handle negotiations with a narcissist.
This I would like you to understand, because it is very important.
When we are in trauma, and emotional pain there is no amount of ‘doing’ which can help situations.
All of how life unfolds for us comes from our state of ‘being’.
In the years that I have worked with people’s recovery, gone through my own heartbreaks, losses and trauma as well – I have seen within thousands of cases this consistent fact.
If we stay stuck in the pain and the trauma of ‘what is happening’ we continue to experience more traumatic events, and the pain, anguish and battles get drawn out over a long period of time.
However, if we make our ‘beingness’ the highest priority, and work deeply on releasing the pain, fear and trauma, then our life starts to shift as a reflection of those inner changes.
I would like you to read Rozanne’s Thriver story – (an earlier blog). This is a lady (amongst many others in this community) who worked hard at her inner vibration (emotions) as her first priority.
The results legally (there have been many more for Rozanne since that Thriver story) have been incredible – and continue to be so.
The reason being is because she deeply understands Law of Attraction, and that if she become ‘different’ to the pain, fear and trauma that life would unfold in her favour.
And it did – and it does ever time.
This is why when people ever email me about their legal traumas I know that one hour of inner shifting and changing vibration is worth more than me sending them 1000 pages of ‘doing’ strategies.
Hence why I don’t focus on the ‘doing’ I help them work at the ‘being’ and then I know life unfolds the rest.
Many people in the NARC Facebook community in legal battles work NARP, (most of them do) and these are the people who specifically work Healing Module 4 (Releasing Injustices) and Module 8 (Fear Of What The Narcissist Will Do Next) and sometimes Module 1(Releasing the Fear and Pain) over and over again.
These are the people who go into ‘battle’ calm, centred and in their power, and who have received incredible ‘turn over’ results and have effortlessly thwarted what the narcissist is trying to do.
The proof is irrefutable that when we get our ‘inner’ right the ‘outer’ matches – always. That is the true power we have, and all of us sense and know that deep within our core – it was just that life caused as to forget that.
This is why I cannot recommend that inner healing path more determinedly than I do, for people battling narcissists in any capacity (getting away and staying away) and especially in the heightened trauma of money, property or custody battles.
I hope this has resonated for you, and I hope you can understand this is the fastest most direct path for you to get out of this painful time healthily and regain your life.
Mel xo
hi, it sounds to me as if you’re saying that we are responsible for how others treat us? that if we for whatever reason are not whole, that we can expect others to treat us badly and thats their excuse? and that we deserve it in a way? what about other people just being decent humans and not treating others bad even when they have no confidence?
i was raised by a narc mom and her family has some other narcs to varying degrees and they are extremely abusive. i also was molested and that also splits your identity and u feel ashamed deep down in your core. u cant even develop your ego either, and also i have aspergers which makes me rejected wherever i go and exacerbates everything else…only because of one very traumatic event in my life, i can hardly explain it, made my ego develop and its a long story but the point is that now i dont feel like i used to. i feel like a different person completely and feel like a human being. believe it or not, my trauma was so severe that i felt nearly like an animal especially because of my mom who couldnt stand me cuz i couldnt stand myself….narcs only like confident people because they only “mirror” who u are.
so because of this change in my identity..my mom and family…kinda kiss my ass in a way when before they put me down constantly. my mom is still cruel but not demonic how she used to be. in the past she hated me so much that she kicked me out of her house, but now she tolerates me? so…what changed? i did, not them. i feel a tremendous rage for my “family” because when i needed them the most, thats when they treated me the worse. now that i have an identity because of my mom’s partial acceptance, now they cant get enough of me…so…what am i supposed to think? so…i grew up abused by them, miraculously healed in a way…and now they love me because im kind of confident (im not really but compared to how i was before i am confident and have an identity), and its like theyre saying, “see we didnt accept you before because u were a loser but now we like u”? i dont think im explaining myself (aspergers) but the point is that i just DONT trust them at all!!! should i? i feel like im going crazy because i feel im blamed for everything…..
Brilliant article. I feel like my body is suffering from post traumatic stress and in many ways I guess it is. I always feel like adrenaline is just flooding my body. Any little thing makes me feel jumpy and edgy. It drives me crazy! My stomach is in knots and this affects my digestive system. Stress really does take its toll on both body and mind. Just like your blog says..I’m scared to feel my emotions. Thanks so much for your understanding and advice 🙂
Hi Anne,
I am glad the article resonated with you.
Virtually any one who has been narcissistically abused is suffering C-PTSD.
Traumatic Stress Disorders are a symptom – totally – of having toxic pain and fear stuck in the cells of our body.
This effects everything in our day-to-day living because this fear and pain gets activated so easily.
Contemporary processes LEAVE that toxic fear and pain in your body and then try to manage the symptoms…which of course is difficult.
Even working hard at health and exercise (as examples) etc. is STILL only attempts at trying to manage the existence of the pain and fear in our cells.
This fear and pain does not heal or go anywhere until it is released – that is the bottom line.
This is why often deep healing processes to get that fear and pain out of our bodies is essential, and the true solution to not be carrying it anymore.
Then health, exercise and well-being exercises are a powerful supplement to assist that true healing necessity – and help speed up the healing process.
Personally I know if I had not released my inner toxic pain and fear I would still be in management of this fear and pain, rather than truly free – and I know this is consistent for many others as well.
Narcissistic abuse is a deep trauma it is not a simple ‘getting over it’ deal – to durably get out the other side many people need to do the inner release work.
I know I am stating it a great deal in my responses in this blog!..And I will again, please go to the NARP video and do the research on the results it has created for people in the community. It is the best of the best techniques I know of to powerfully release the inner traumas.
That, truly is how we can be free, because then there is NO more C-PTSD to try to manage.
It is a complete myth that C-PTSD is a life-sentence. Myself and many other Thrivers are proof of that fact.
Mel xo
Thank you again Melanie for a wonderfully straightforward and informative article. I can completely relate to many things you said, but especially to the vitamin deficiencies and to all of the concrete activities (juicing, yoga, meditation, etc…) that you shared with us. I have been doing them all since Jan. when I went on medical leave from my job. I have MS, but have been in narc. relationships (beginning with my childhood) my entire 45 years. It is SO TRUE about chronic stress and it’s toll on the body. It wasn’t until Jan. that I realized that I was in another narc relationship-my 2nd marriage, and I have been working so hard to come back to myself. I just found your site in August, and it has been another piece in my healing puzzle. Whatever happens in my marriage in the future, whether I stay or go, it doesn’t matter, because I am finally at peace and can just be with myself again. Through your work that you so generously share with everyone, I have come to realize that respectfully setting boundaries, expressing myself and looking out for myself is my right as a human being, and if it makes the narc(s) in my life uncomfortable, then so be it, because I love myself too much to be less than I am. Thank you Melanie!
Hi Sherri,
You are very welcome, and thank you for your post!
This is so wonderful that you have turned you attention back to you and you are honouring and loving you in order to make you the highest priority in your life.
It is lovely to see you doing this and to have you within this wonderful Community 🙂
Mel xo
Thank you Mel for this article. Everything you say is true and I also believe that the only way we cannot ever get hooked by a narcissist again, is to deal with all our deep core issues and heal energetically, along with living in our integrity and setting firm boundaries.
I have been feeling a bit like a see-saw over the past week but have the sense that it is all part of then necessary journey of healing.
Last Thursday night I flew to Bali with members of my dance company. The plan was to dance for 2 sessions of lessons each day and enjoy the evening meal in different locations each of the three nights, where we would also dance salsa, socially. Master teachers originally from Cuba and now living in Jakarta, would be teaching us. I felt very excited because when I first heard about this opportunity, it resonated strongly in my heart and I wanted to go. It was very powerful. Over the time we were in Bali, I had the most amazing experience and got frightened too. I realise that I do not have the capacity to be a world-class dancer and that is ok. I love dance and will continue. The problem is that I just wanted to stay in Ubud, which is the Arts Centre of Bali; to reflect and explore with no time restraints for a while. I have always been an extremely responsible person and now, there is this person living inside me that wants to do nothing more than dance and have fun. It is not practical for me to give up my work as a teacher, but now I have this inner conflict. I felt relaxed and happy and just loved dancing and being with all the dance crew for the time we were there.
Alongside this, I was also confronted with a lot of grief. My ex-boyfriend is a world-class dancer and on the second day, our group participated in learning the kind of dance that is his specialty. Not only that, but the teachers are Cuban as well. They also studied in Cuba with my ex-boyfriend, so that felt painful to me. I felt very disturbed and although I was loving what I was doing, suddenly, there were all these lovely and painful memories of the good times shared just between him and me, and also in dance with him. I wanted to dance for myself and thought I had dealt with all the grief. It was hard to stay in the lessons and I spent a good deal of time afterwards and also on the next day, feeling really sad and shedding a lot of tears. I spent most of yesterday weeping and releasing a lot of tears. I realise that my ex-boyfriend is a narcissist and reading back through my journals, I do understand that having this man in my life is untenable. So I felt extremely confused, sad and part of me was longing for the dream that is not possible. I wonder about this confusion I have too. Why do I think that he holds a part of me that is my responsibility to grow for myself. If dance is the thing, then it is up to me to develop my own skill, so I am confused about why I am sad about losing a dream that can never work out with someone like him who is so destructive. I have now come back to Perth and feel very disoriented. I want to be in Bali dancing and this confuses me. I am sad that the dancing holiday is finished and yet glad to be home.
I am scared of all these parts of me emerging out of nowhere that want to be doing totally different things to those that I have been doing in my life up until now and in regard to work.I thought all this was sorted out. When I was in Bali with the group and we were dancing, I was wonderfully engaged and joyous (apart from the unexpected grief). I felt carefree and happy and would have loved nothing more that to stay in that place. However, I am in conflict. Who am I now?
I think that I am uncovering someone inside me who has been living inside me and is now becoming more conscious. I have now travelled to another country, participated in something that I love and returned safely to Australia. I created this experience and it was wonderful.So, I have done a lot of healing and haven’t got a clue who I am any more. I am not the person that I was before and I have had a taste of the sort of life that feels wonderfully fulfilling, yet I do not know how it possible for me to do something about this.
I am not in any pain, although there is still some residue of sadness in my heart that I shall do a QFH module on. I also do not think that I will attract another narcissist because I am now setting good boundaries. Am I going to stay alive now that I fee like I am living between an old world and a new one? I feel quite vulnerable and also scared. I do not know what is really happening to me. Have you encountered other people having similar reactions as they have advanced in their healing Mel. Would value your feedback.
Hi Suzanne!
First of all, I want to congratulate you on deciding to heal yourself and free yourself from narcissistic abuse! I am just freeing myself from yet another round, so I know how hard it can be. Thankfully, I had already started with NARP, so I was able to escape with much less pain this time around!
However, I can really relate with what you are saying. Suddenly, none of my life seems to ‘fit’ who I am anymore! There are some aspects of life that I want ro keep, others that I want to discard, some that I am unsure of… And whole new avenues that are opening up to me. Some of which are very scary and require huge lifestyle changes. I, too, am scared to make such drastic decisions, especially about avenues in my life I feel torn in between.
My experience has been that the more I come home to myself, the more I instinctively know what reality I want for myself. Right now, I am reveling in experimentation to discover what is good and right for me!
Is there any way you can incorporate more of the experiences you enjoyed in Bali at home? Perhaps dancing more avidly? Taking more classes? Or perhaps teaching in Bali? While also dancing?
The key lies in unconditionally accepting how we feel, exploring this new universe that has opened itself up to us and the invitation to just BE. This is just what I feel, what I feel to be instinctively true (for me). However, only you know what is true for you!
I am sure Melanie will have much more to add, many more insights to share!
Sending you love, light and healing on your inner journey home to yourself.
Love,
Tiffany
Tiffany and Suzanne,
Thank you both for modeling the light at the end of the tunnel. You both seem to be flying and a bit afraid of the freedom and I will be glad when I am at that level of problems instead of at the basic survival level. I am two week away from being totally out of my lover’s house. Everyday I feel a little freer.
Laura G
HI Suzanne,
I deeply, deeply feel that you are right now being challenged by some big core wounds – and truly on the threshold of releasing them…
I want to really, really guide you here.
I want you to do this – because truly I can feel what is going on…
I want you to stop ‘thinking’…(I know I can be straight with you!).
You are doing way tooo much analysis, and trying to sift through too much inner pain ,mentally whilst you are carrying it…and it is only ‘muddying’ your waters so to speak…
Let’s simplify this…and make it so much easier for you.
I want you to get out a pen and paper. Lets start with ‘what hurts’ (yes you are in pain – and that is totally okay – any UNCOMFORTABLE part of ourselves is ‘pain’)…
Now on this list I DON’T want you to start with the ‘practical’ aspects of what you are going to do with your life…I want you to start with the vulnerable emotional parts…
That’s what you need to clean up first…
And I want you to let yourself be vulnerable – this is not about being tough, strong or capable – this is about deeply acknowledging the vulnerable part that still hurts.
So in relation to ex-narc – there is pain that has come up…that’s a good place to start..
Okay you know logically that he is no good in your life – but what is the emotional part that is still finding it hard to let go (very normal until you heal that part).
Now knowing it is there- simply crying without getting a shift on your inner belief systems that are still attached to the false premises ‘that he is your Source on certain aspects of your life’ means that the REASON you are feeling pain has not been addressed yet – will stay stuck in your cellular subconscious – and will continue to manufacture grief, pain and loss for you until it is found, embraced and shifted out.
This is why people can cry, get some temporary relief, but it keeps coming back and back – and it will until you shift it out.
You can’t reconcile this mentally – you have tried that. You know he is a narcissist, you know there is no hope, and you know you can’t go back – yet the grief and pain continues.
This is where if we don’t go inwards we set up this really painful battle with ourselves – ‘the head trying to overcome the internal emotional pain’.
This battle causes more emotional pain! So stop doing that!
In NARP I would like you to work with Module 2 – Releasing The Illusion Of Him and Module 9 Releasing the Connections To Him, and take this grief and pain to these specific Modules.
After doing those you are very likely to have unearthed the belief systems which are still causing you pain and ‘attachment’, and you are very likely to release them and clean them up.
If you are still feel some pain and resistance then use the goal setting Module and set up the goal “Releasing all need for him to be my Source, and becoming a full and firm Source to myself” and clear all resistance that comes up in response to that goal.
Then you will be free of the pulls and the grief.
This is the real work, solution and breakthrough you need – and will be so much more powerful that what you can be granted in a kinesiology session via another. The most powerful work we can ever do is deeply between us and ourselves.
Then after clearing these immediate painful vulnerabilities, you will have the space and clarity to feel, work through and ‘be guided’ in regard to the more practical aspects of your life.
I hope this has helped.
Yes, absolutely there are many people that get to ‘what you are going through’ – and the solution I just gave you is the one that is always necessary. I live my own life through this process whenever I hit a ‘wall’ of confusion – and I always suggest the same to others.
The results are always big breakthroughs.
You are on the cusp of a big breakthrough.
Mel xo
Hi Mel. Thank you for your caring response. I have felt like I am in no-man’s land and have begun the first part of the task that you suggested. So far I have unearthed these feelings; intense sadness, anxiety, invisibility, hunger for crumbs of affection, dependency on what is given or not given, not valued for me. I am unnoticed, excluded from the main circle and longing to find a way to belong. I am defective and not capable of offering a contribution that matters, yet I strive and strive. I have not got a soft place to be where I can be safe and accepted for who I actually am. I don’t deserve to be alive and all I contribute is fraudulent. I am of no value. I am exhausted from trying so hard and working so hard to no avail. I am only useful for giving others what they want because it feeds them and allows them some respite from their own pain. I do this because then I have some pseudo-connection that allows temporary relief from my own pain.
I have traced this to my family of origin and my brother who was regarded highly, as were all his contributions.
This is the first phase of my work. I am currently doing Modules 2 and 9 to release the pain.
I do not know that my outer life is needing to change and if it is, then that will happen in its own way and time.
What I see, is that I now need to address all those painful old beliefs and be there for my inner child. I did not know I had all of these inner beliefs. There are SO MANY OF THEM TO UNEARTH!
Hi Suzanne!
You’ve just listed a whole slew of false beliefs about yourself that can all be shifted with NARP, which is actually fantastic because all we have to do is follow the pain and feel into it in order for it to be placed in the healing process of QFH. And that’s exactly what you are doing in this post! As Melanie says, it won’t be there for too long once we are in the module. Writing down and feeling into what hurts is all we ever have to do to start shifting. It doesn’t matter how ugly the stuff is. The uglier the better, those are the ones that really need to go! Then the pile will get smaller and you’ll find yourself getting excited about unearthing more when they come to you because you’ll know you have the power to remove them. Go you! Love, Pamela
PS Sometimes it helps me to make a little light of what’s going on when it gets really painful, I know it sounds counter intuitive but I might say something like ” how tacky is this belief? It doesn’t match the decor of my inner truth, so out it goes! ”
Thanks Pamela. I have spent the better part of last night and also this morning doing Modules 2 and 9 of QFH. I am feeling quite fragile and staying in this evening although I did go dancing this afternoon. As I started to explore more deeply into these old false beliefs, I realise they must have been there for most of my childhood. The deep sadness has lifted but now I feel as if I need to do the modules again. I am also realising that I have been there for others and done what they want me to do and be for them at cost to myself. It feels very strange to do what feels right to me and there is a pull at my heart when I am not meeting the need of a person who wants something from me. Guess it is sort of like setting a boundary. It is not hurting me, but I am surprised that those who are not getting what they want from me are disappearing rapidly. I feel as if I am in no-man’s land. At this point in time, I am not sure what sort of life I can create. I seem to be removing more people and spending more time with myself. I am wondering who on earth I really am. I can do without all these false old beliefs though.
Hi Suzanne,
you are doing great – you are exactly where you need to be face to face (and embracing) these beliefs which have been holding you prisoner that NOW you can release.
This is exactly what I meant by you are on the cusp of huge breakthrough…
Truly (even though we never stop growing) you won’t know yourself when these BIG core beliefs get released.
This ‘no-man’s land’ is EXACTLY how it feels when we are letting go of powerful beliefs which have been our Inner Identity – however the freedom when we start flowing into lovely co-creative beliefs that work in harmony with ourselves and life is indescribable…and SOOOOOO worth the temporary discomfort to make that switch..
Keep going – keep trudging through, and know ‘life’ will still be there waiting for you when you have come out of your cocoon and spread your new glistening wings!
Try not to ‘think’ your life yet – just clear these old defunct beliefs that you know you have found – and the ‘life’ you are – your Inner Being will emerge all by herself…because that is what she has been trying to do – push through the ‘junk’ that was blocking her…the junk you are now letting go of.
Mel xo
Thanks Mel. I was feeling scared and as if the world the way I knew it was GONE! I have done Module 2 once and Module 9 twice. I will do both midules again tonight if I can. I think that Module 9 is shifting the most powerful beliefs about the attachment to my ex-boyfriend and since I did that module twice already, my thoughts and feelings about him have been changing amazingly. I am just becoming aware of how impossible a healthy relationship with him ever could be and aware that these deep feelings are mine. How sad it was for my little inner child to have been so unloved and unheard so long ago and so unvalued. I have been looking at pictures of me as a little child and ahve felt so distressed that during my entire childhood, there was so little nurturing of me, through my parents’ ignorance and inability. It really was not their fault. The deep sadness has gone since I did the modules and I uncovered all these beliefs that I must have had since forever. Thank you for your encouragement. It does feel strange and hard to keep going. However, something must have shifted because it is as if I have a right to be alive now and I am very protective of this. It is all inside me and the changes must come from within me. I felt more confident at work today too and more loving of my little ones. There is a deeper understanding about me being the one who creates my reality so getting ANYTHING from anyone or anything outside me is a waste of time. I might as well just stay with me and my healing and then trust that my life will emerge all by itself without any striving. Perhaps I also need to just relax and know that all that I am meant to create and have will emerge at the right time so to trust that. I also realise that a lot of time in the past, I have distracted myself to avoid pain. I did this with activities and lots of going out, my relationship with my ex-boyfriend, eating, television, shopping (many years ago, but not in the past several years. Perhaps the drama of the relationship with my ex boyfriend enabled a LOT of distraction from me because much of my energy was tied up with him and his chaos. Something has shifted in regard to him though. I see that he is NOT what I want to create in any shape, size or form, and there are few good feelings around him. I will continue to work Modules two and nine until there are no more emotional charges. I still feel a bit confused and guess that these changes are taking place deep inside me and I can’t tell what is there or not. All I know is that I feel a bit different and a bit more solid than yesterday. Guess I am fearful of dying in it all and since my life has always been such a struggle to survive until now, I cannot even begin to imagine what it will be like on the other side of all this. Something is dying but I don’t know what. I actually feel very much alive on one level. I am committed to myself and do not intend to stop doing the work. I am not really thinking anything at present; just staying quiet and being at home with myself. Wouldn’t have a clue what to create anyway.
Thank you so much for your support. There is really nobody here that I know who gets this stuff, even people who have done a lot of growth work.
Wow.
Thank you for sharing the HOW you got into your body and stayed there. I am booked into the doctor tomorrow as my depression has worsened to a whole new level. I really didn’t want anti depressants because I think I need to feel and release my pain and not just numb it out. After reading this I feel a have a game plan just at the perfect time. Ill get a blood test from doctor tomorrow and purge the pain with bodywork.
Is there any other body work you would recommend? I recall you have mentioned kineisiology before.
Massive aha moment when you describe how codependents never had their negative feelings soothed or validated. Sums up my childhood to a tee. And then law of attraction with narcissist. It all makes sense. Now to just pull myself out of this pit of pain. Thank you for showing the way forward, Mel.
Anita xx
Hi Anita,
you are very welcome!
Yes, it is very likely that your medical practitioner will wish to prescribe you with anti-depressants.
I will never directly suggest people don’t take anti-depressants, because I acknowledge in certain cases they can be a bridge that saves lives.
I will, however, say this. Anti-depressants are only about ‘shutting up’ the pain and fear rather than dealing with the releasing and healing of the pain and the fear.
What this means is that the toxic emotions, painful belief systems and damaged Inner Identity does not get addressed.
Therefore evolution, and personal development cannot and does not occur – and people stay stuck in their present level of personal growth.
Which is unfortunate because emotional pain is the essential signal letting us know that we need to heal an aspect of ourselves, evolve and grow.
Also once ‘bad’ feeling get shut down – the ‘good’ feelings get shut down as well.
This is also unfortunate because our human experience is all about the richness of our emotions, which are the true guidance of our life, and the reason we are alive – to align with the truth and authenticity of what feels good, and what is life-affirming for us.
The body work I always recommend is my own – Quanta Freedom Healing. The reason being is because I have been involved in body-work for a long time, such as EFT, kinesiology, theta healing and sourced many different methods on my journey of healing.
Any body work is helpful, yet I found all the individual ‘body works’ did not give me the breakthrough benefits that Quanta Freedom Healing provided.
They did not get down deep enough into the core of my being. So even though they assisted symptoms powerfully they were still only ‘management’ because they did not directly transform my deepest and most powerful painful belief systems – which were firmly embedded in my subconscious.
That is why I created Quanta Freedom Healing (a combination of body work with a powerful quantum physics component)to assist myself and people who were struggling like myself.
Are you doing NARP? Because the tools are all in there.
If you do already have NARP and are stuck in any way, all you need to do is email me and I can direct you to how to target any specific shift you need to do to release what is going on for you within this deep depression.
Oh yes! Re the co-dependency issues of non-validation. That was huge for me when I realised that too!
Life-changing on so many levels!
Yes, truly you can and will pull yourself out of this pit of pain, and you can do it quicker than what you thought.
Definitely, definitely get your levels checked, and get on to supplements, but firmly realise that the ‘reason’ for the depression inside your subconscious needs to be found and released – and then you will get instant and fast relief.
The supplements will help support that and assist you to start connecting to feelings of relief and well-being – but the big and real work is the release from your subconscious.
Mel xo
Melanie, thank you for pointing out that abused and abusers are both disconnected from Source! How very true. It is not “us” and “them.” We are all in this boat together. Your blog is our life jacket for when we decide to swim from the boat of dysfunction to a saner, more loving place.
A huge hug to you!!
Sara
Hi Sara,
Lovely you understand this. Yes all pain is the product of ‘abuse’ and people being disconnected from themselves – being ‘not in their bodies’.
It can only ever be people deeply in pain who hurt others.
Victims of victims…
A big hug back!
Mel xo
Hi Melanie. I am aligned with this post and in the process of deepening my self care. I have read Alice Miller’s book, The body never lies, several times now, which is very much in line with what you are saying. My friend told me the other day she heard a great saying that encapsulates the point: biography becomes biology. I am noticing as I am going deeper, greater pain in my body emerging. At first it made me feel afraid, but now I realize I am safe enough to release the pain. And so it is rising in to conscious awareness. I am pressing in to it to release it instead of running from it. The greater my ego strength becomes, the more able I am to face deeper levels of truth, and my sense of being in my body can now handle the temporary discomfort, because I know now, that freedom is on the other side of the pain. The avoidance of this pain has been the very thing that kept it in place. It seams logical on some level to not want to feel pain and to do whatever it takes to avoid it, even if it means exiting my body. Such a high price to pay. Now I practise courageous truth telling in love, which helps me stay in my body. My dissociation has decreased a great deal, and when I notice I have left my body, i become curious instead of blaming, and move in to more truth and love. The more I grow, the less I return to old patterns. That is a joy and relief.
Ruth,
I learned something when you said you practice courageous truth telling and it helps you stay in your body. I am finding that the more I am away from the narcissist and tell my truth–however slowly and carefully at times–the more I am coming back into my body. I think the many lies of living with a narcissist have made me feel increasingly unsafe and out of my body. I didn’t realize that until I read your sharing.
Hi Ruth,
I haven’t read the book – but I aware that when people’s philosophies align (as so many of them do) it is simply because they are aligned with imparting ‘truth’.
I love that so many writer’s are all coming up with aligned concepts – I adore reading books that confirm TOTALLY what I believe!
You truly are realising THE MOST IMPORTANT part of all of this…
That we can’t DENY the inner pain, We can’t run from it, ignore it, detach from it, or try to shut it up and expect our life to go any differently.
It is a shame that none of us can go for an X-Ray where someone says – you have 5 pounds of toxic shame from your mother’s treatment of you, 10 pounds of toxic abandonment from your father leaving – and 15 pounds of toxic grief and despair as a result of your husband leaving you for another woman.
This is the huge problem – because ’emotions’ are intangible they are not granted the vital attention and importance they require.
And it is VITAL because these toxic emotions that we have trapped in our body and never released are CONTROLLING our life!
I LOVE what you have stated – that the price is TOO high to avoid these emotions and live life outside of our body..
BOY!! Did being narcissistically abused prove that!!!
I love you are being courageous – I love you are facing these inner wounds in order to release them.
Again SO true – what we discover by FACING our pain is that freedom and breakthroughs are experienced each and every time that we do – and we don’t need to keep reliving that particular ‘message’ of pain – because we have dealt with it.
Because how else where you going to ever change your life?
So true Ruth, facing these wounds is NOT about blaming and shaming ourselves – it is about LOVING ourselves FULLY, and it is the most loving act by far we could EVER do for ourselves.
And that IS joy and relief.
Thank you for your very powerful share.
Mel xo
Hey Melanie its been a while. I thank you for the newsletter., for I’ve not read one in a long time. I have made great strides , I feel.. The ” No Contact” is so crucial and I’ve done just that going on for 6 months. I know I’m not safe and have much to address. I will focus more on ” Source” , physical health and happiness. Thanks
Jody.
Hi Jody,
lovely to have you ‘pop in’!
No Contact is the first step – but truly it really is the ‘space’ to start the real work.
The healing within…that is the true recovery journey, and the sooner we commit to that the less time we spend in struggle and pain – and feeling unsafe, and the sooner we start moving towards big breakthroughs, freedom, joy and liberation.
Mel xo
Excellent article, thank you, Melanie. Much needed!
We sometimes underestimate the impact of vitamin and mineral deficiencies. Magnesium supplements alleviated panic attacks for me. Also, recent studies (2013) revealed that Mg offers significant relief from PTSD.
But as so aptly illustrated in the article, work needs to be done on all levels.
I have two questions, please:
1. Did you go for psychotherapy during your quest for healing? What is your take on it?
2. You mention in the “How to do No Contact” e-book the following: “Be very aware that simply you obsessing and agonising is energetically granting the narcissist narcissistic supply.
I promise you this: The narcissist can feel it.”
I also have the characteristic of “never giving up” and have been through 4 rounds with the same narcissist during the past 9 years. Final round ended 31 Jan. I am at a place where I had enough of the destruction and acid eating away at my soul – but not always. What makes it difficult for me is that I can feel his anguish and it noticeably exacerbates my own longing. Can anyone relate to this?
Thank you and stay blessed.
Yes, I can relate to you, Ger. There was a time when I thought I could feel the N’s anguish. It took a while for me to really understand that the N’s anguish was not for me as a person but for me as his source of supply and for the loss of his “dream woman.” The dream woman is a projection of the N’s ideal mate onto a living person who usually has a few of the dream lover’s characteristics. When, however, the real personality of the mate shows up and is not in accord with the N’s vision of the dream, the N can become very abusive. If you insist on being yourself, the N will discard you sooner rather than later. Don’t let his longing and anguish fool you. It’s not about you and how much he misses you. It’s about you as the supplier of his drug of choice – attention in any form. Run for your life and don’t look back. Stay in no contact no matter what it feels like. Follow Melanie’s program and you will move through this phase of healing quickly. Good luck.
EJ
You are so right on here. Thank you!
Great reminder! It’s all about the “dream woman” and was never about the real me. Anytime the real me surfaced too much, he tried to destroy her..
Thank you EJ! Great insights. I have always wondered about the N constantly calling me his “dream woman”, now it all makes sense; especially how the N’s anguish could be linked to loss of narcissistic supply as well as his (projected) dream woman.
Yes, it dawned upon me recently (after finding Melanie through a friend) that the N is actually not longing for me, but for the wonderful N-supply I am.
I am running 🙂
I have had the weird experience of having the strange sensation of my ex-boyfriend’s presence in my home and bed. It was as if he was actually there. I had a kinesiology session and was so disturbed by his constant presence that I asked the kinesiologist to explore further. It was then that she asked what had happened in the year that I turned 32. I was amazed! That was one of the worst years of my life. It was the year when I was with my ex and was pregnant with our child and filled with anguish. I was being narcissistically abused and there was no QFH or knowledge about kinesiology at that point in my life. It turned out that my ex-boyfriend was energetically liked to me and got into my life through our mutual wounds of anguish. This connection was removed and I actually felt his presence leave me and after the session, I felt incredibly peaceful. However, the session was no match for me doing the ongoing work with QFH modules to get free of all the existing negative beliefs that have been in my life. As I continue to do the healing sessions, I am noticing a difference in my life and I also have power and control over what is happening within me.It is extremely important to address our own pain, not that of the N. If you do that, then you will be set free and the N will be left to deal with his own pain which is his business. So, I have learned to focus on my own healing. The N’s came into our lives because of unhealed wounds in us. There is little likelihood that he will demonstrate any desire to address his issues, and it is not our business to heal them. It is our business to heal ourselves and go on to have healthier lives free from pain and free from attracting N’s in the future.I strongly recommend that you do the QFH modules and you will truly get freer and be healed.
Ger,
I can really relate to this. And maybe this is off-base for you but I am going to share it anyway. I found that the longing, the never-quite-having-love was like a poetic swooning inside me: I am addicted to it. My art comes from it. My best poetry. Its that peptide addiction.
Another thing maybe you can relate to: the unsolved. I read in one of the many relationship books I’ve read in the last year that some of us codependents want to solve the mystery, we want the adventure of the unsolved person. And what is more weird and mysterious than a narcissist? They are inexplicable! Mine is throwing love away with both hands over and over, woman after woman, house after house. He seems to build a home and castle, ensconse his latest queen, then poison her in the night. So strange.
Maybe turn your wonderful tenacity to writing murder mysteries or going dancing in Bali like the lady above. Have REAL adventures. Become a psychologist and solve the mysteries of people who want to heal.
One last thing…I do believe we are energetically connected to our lovers and that they live off our anguish. Think of the poor moths beating themselves against the lightbulb, longing for something behind a glass globe. That is the narcissist. They love to have a bunch of moths beating themselves into a frenzy over them.
Don’t let them win!!!
Laura G (former moth)
Hi Laura. Very well said!!
Hmm. I never made the link with this adventure, it rings true.
Yep, isn’t our darkest hour just absolutely the best muse.
And the moths – oh yeah! I know of four other women who think this specific N is the perfect man and keep longing for him. Love the metaphor.
Thank you!
Ger
Yes, I know what you mean by feeling his anguish. I recently went through this; long story, email me if you want to hear the details; but when I realized just what was really going on I did something about it and it really helped.
Thoughts are things. They are oftenly called thoughtforms. They have a huge impact on you and how you live in the world. If you are feeling his anguish, that could mean he is thinking intensely and heavily about you. Time to get him out of your head and your heart. Here is a method I have found to be very helpful:
There are some shamans who say that when this is happening; when you feel him and his anguish- there have been cords developed between you two and that is why you are feeling the things you do and why it is so hard to get on with your own life. Those cords have to be disconnected. Here is how:
sit in a chair or on a sofa with your feet flat on the floor and your arms to your sides. Relax as much as you can, breathe slowly and deeply and close your eyes and tilt your head down. Relax. You will feel vulnerable; that is OK, when you notice that feeling, gently remind your self you are safe and that you are in a safe place. Now, visualize a silver cord, like a rope, going from the narc’s solar plexus/heart area into your solar plexus/heart area, with the end of the rope going into you entwined around your heart and solar plexus. What you are going to do is some spiritual surgery; you are going to disengage the rope from you. To do this, place your left hand on your left rib cage area, and send white light from the palm of your hand to the ends of the rope entwined around your heart and solar plexus. See the white light melting and disentangling of the end of the rope from around your heart and solar plexus area. Breathe in white light while you do this. Take your right hand and wrap it around the rope and pull the rope gently out of your solar plexus /heart area. When it is free, toss it back to the narc. Say, “I thank the Divine and you (the narc) for the amazing lessons I have learned. We are now free of each other. Goodbye,(name of narc).” Now place your right hand on your heart solar plexus area and see white light coming from your right palm and healing your heart/solar plexus area. If there are any stray bits of rope left, just pluck them out and toss them away. You can do the same with your head and your abdomen. You will feel huge sense of peace and relief. Also, doing Melanie’s Quanta Healing will help, as will doing walking, yoga, and Falun Gong.
It is time for you to define your life on your terms. I thoroughly understand your “never giving up” stance – I went through that- that is very common for co-dependents to go through. In fact, it is one of our strengths; however, it can be made into a weakness by a narc; that is one of the things that attracts them to us; they know we have this “never give up” attitude and they exploit it to their own ends. In this sense, they are vampires. Time to eat lots of garlic! Actually, Melanies’ article about being deficient in various vitamins and minerals makes a lot of sense, and interestingly enough, garlic is excellent for the blood! Take care of your bodily needs- healthy foods and extra vitamins and minerals will really help!
Try this and let me know how it goes for you. You may need to do a couple of sessions of it; not to worry; you will get free of him! Cheers!
Thank you Kay, this visualization is definitely something that can work for me. Will keep you posted.
Thank you for the advice and care which I deeply appreciate!
Ger
Hi Ger,
You are very welcome!
Magnesium is definitely a powerful supplement that is vital, because our body does not produce it – we need to make sure we have adequate levels of is – and it is powerfully effective for emotions.
To answer your questions.
I did have psychotherapy for first narc abuse experience.
It did not help me one iota – point blank.
At the time I did not realise why it didn’t help – and why I only started to get better when I found ‘body work’ – but now I deeply do.
Any logical therapy (cognitive therapy) does not have the ability to make contact with our emotional subconscious (cellular / internal) programming. It is simply concepts, information and ‘strategies’.
The problem with this is talking (and even reading information) is not a ‘language’ that the subconscious understands – it infiltrates the reasoning mind only.
Interesting how the ‘reasoning mind’ has such limited ability to reason with the deep pain trauma and fear that goes on in our bodies.
From the age of 12 years of age the gateway between our conscious mind and subconscious is shut.
Virtually all of us ‘know’ logically this person is abusing us, they are no good for us, that we are living in a war zone – YET the bodies peptide addiction, unhealed belief systems and emotional agonies are controlling the show TOTALLY.
To resist these pulls is akin to a heroin addict staying away from heroin (actually worse previous H-addicts have tod me) – because the subconscious ‘yearning’ to re-hook to the peptide addiction to the narcissist is so powerful.
And this is what is so little understood or addressed in contemporary therapy – that our mind range can ONLY operate within the chemicals of what the body’s belief systems are producing.
Therefore (and this certainly stands for narcissistic abuse)IF the emotional pain is significant enough the mind has not ability to escape those chemicals and THINK healthier thoughts – or certainly NOT consistently.
This is why in regard to narcissistic abuse no matter what you know you should be thinking, no matter how much you think you should stay away, and no matter how much you know ‘logically’ you should just get out, stay away, and have nothing to do with an abuser ever again – you can’t STOP going back in trying to get them to change, or at the VERY least can’t stop replaying what happened over and over and over in your mind.
It was only when I discovered how to address my subconscious directly (which is using visualisation techniques in theta brain wave) that I was able to ‘talk’ to my subconscious reach these subconscious wounds and release them.
Then everything changed – because as soon as my body shifted and changed the chemicals it was producing, the neuro-net wiring and chemicals in my brain shifted and reflected those changes.
This is exactly the process that the NARP Program creates for who we call the ‘Thrivers’ in this community.
They have experienced that ‘shift’ and hence why within weeks they feel incredible relief, and many within months are living a life free of the pain of narcissistic abuse.
Psychotherapy does not provide that ability, tool or process.
In regard to your second question – the ‘hook’ you are ‘thinking’ about – is exactly what I just explained.
Your brain (the ‘longing’) is the chemicals and beliefs that are keeping you attached to the narcissist.
If you were to go deeply within, and it’s not difficult once you follow the process (anyone can do it once directed) you would locate, embrace and release that wound – very quickly.
Then there would be no longing, and you would be free, and the ‘acid’ eating your soul will be gone.
Truly, it is that simple – but it isn’t until you discover and utilise body energetic healing that you can experience it.
Everything else is the ‘long way around’ – your brain trying to beat ‘the body’ – which it can’t do when stuck in these chemicals.
I hope that answers your questions and makes sense.
And please ask any more questions if you would like to….
Mel xo
Wow Melanie. Yes, it makes just perfect sense. Thank you so much for answering!
Having read through most of the comments regarding this illuminating article, I just stand in awe of how patiently you give so much of yourself.
Previously in trying to heal, it felt as if I was climbing a hill from where a beautiful view awaits, but just before reaching the top, slid down again, time and again. I am therefore excited to do the inner shift work and ultimately reclaim a joyful life. Reading through the module contents of the NARP, I honestly think that everyone, irrespective of whether they have experienced narcissistic abuse or not, would benefit from it and the eBooks.
For me: no more self-centred wallowing in the obvious pain (almost an inattentional blindness), feeling powerless without a solution; thinking that I am stuck in my love for this man, with whom I cannot be without being destroyed. My being has now opened to receive the gifts that are to be found precisely because of this most traumatic, shattering and life-altering experience – the gifts of healing unhealed parts, (subconscious) wounds old and new, followed by the consequent natural shift and then also becoming wholly present in one’s body and coming into one’s true self and meaningful life purpose.
Hope lies in the very fact that you and so many others attained healing. And since nothing else has worked for me thus far, I am so grateful that a friend introduced me to your work. Just to function normally again, would be a true blessing.
It might be the case world-wide, but it seems as if there is very little awareness in South-Africa regarding narcissism. So many suffer the abuse without even realising what is going on.
Thank you for speaking up, raising awareness and sharing your wisdom.
Ger.
Yes, Ger, sadly there is very little exposure world-wide…
Very, very true – it is usually when the abuse is well and truly cemented that people even have a chance of finding out.
I visited a lady last week, who has been ‘out’ for 20 years, heavily medicated and has suffered immeasurably for all this time as a result of the narc-abuse from her husband all those years ago.
Despite suicide attempts, hospitalisation (over 30 times admitted for depression), a huge array of ‘professionals’ – not ONE person has EVEN eluded to her that she was narc abused.
She found my information last week, via a mutual friend. She ticked all the boxes as if the description was ‘videoing’ her previous life – word for word.
How on earth does this happen. I shake my head!
Can you imagine the relief after 20 years of not having the faintest idea of what you were dealing with?
Thank goodness at almost 60 years of age, and now on NARP this lady has a chance of getting her life back.
Mel xo
Ger,
I am interested in reading about Mg and relieving PTSD. Can you share the article you are referring to? Also, what is the recommended dose?
Melanie,
I have followed you now for over a year. I have been too overwhelmed and too busy to ever reply before. I can definitely relate to what you said in your article about being able to be “in yourself” and I am forced to admit to myself that this is so often true. I am the father of 11 children. Yes, a big family all from one wife. I never imagined I would ever want such a big family, but it is the greatest blessing (and overwhelming responsibility) in my life. I always thought I wanted 5 to 7 kids. Before we were married, my wife agreed. After 7 I was like… Yes! We are done! But my wife would never agree and it became a marital issue, so I allowed another and another. Although at this point, I am so grateful she won because I love my children so much and could never imagine life without anyone of them, I put my foot down in the end. My wife pleaded to tears for number 12 just 2 months or less before demanding a divorce. So much has happened now since that night in Oct of 2010, I cannot begin to describe here, nor should. We have been through a most bitter and nasty divorce since then which became final in June of this year. She has emotionally abused me and my children throughout my 25 years of marriage. I tolerated it in order to keep the peace and to try to keep an intact family for my children. My wife is extremely intelligent – was the top of her class in high school and again in college as she finished as we were going through our divorce. She is very outgoing, confident and beautiful, even after having 11 children, but she is mean, selfish and a total liar. She has degraded me and my children for years calling me stupid, lazy, looser, etc for most of our marriage. I could never understand movies I have seen where a woman would go back to her abusive husband even when she knew he would beat her. I now look at my own life and realize that is basically what I have done. My children had no freedom. Not even to walk outside without asking for permission. Again, I tried to support her as to not have contention in the home and give the illusion of “being on the same page” with her; however, I work from my home and the kids would always come to me pleading for help. I would many times allow them to go out to play even when their chores weren’t done because all of the house chores were theirs, never my wife’s, and it was impossible for them to ever be done. If I would not allow them to play, they never would have. I saw their childhood fleeing away. I helped all I could while still trying to make a living. I have struggled financially forever; I believe partly due to the control of my wife over my business as well as our personal lives. It is still a struggle, however I am doing about 4 times better now that my wife is gone. My children do not want to be with her and have pleaded with their Guardian Adlitum (attorney for the kids) and have even written letters directly to the judge pleading for help. The judge even interviewed my 10, 13, 14 15 and 17 year old’s and acknowledged in court that they did not want to be with their mother. Although the divorce is final, the custody battle continues. I have been awarded as the custodial parent with final decision making ability, however, the visitation is still awful! The kids need less time with her, so I will have to go back and fight again someday when I get enough money. My heart breaks for my children! Anyway, That was a tidbit of my background. I just want to tell you how much I appreciate this article and so many others. I have been blown away how you have hit the nail on the head in nearly every article I have read over this past year or so. Thank you so much for your life, your insights and your sincere concern for others.
You are lucky you can have custody. My narc poisoned the kids against me, telling them lies that I was seeing other women and much more filth. I haven’t seen my kids for 3 years, except for my eldest that figured out what her mother was really doing. She lives with me and has no contact with her mother and siblings.
Hi Lane,
I am so glad that my articles and work have been able to grant you some answers and peace – and you are very welcome.
Your children are very blessed to have you as a father, and it is wonderful that they wish to stay connected with you.
I wish you much strength, healing and blessings on your journey.
Mel xo
I just want to reply to Meg, because I have been there and know those terrors. Because you are dealing with the law, you need to keep track of his demeaning and vile emails, but you can do that by setting his address(es) to go into another folder. This way, you can look at them when you feel strong enough. As far as the law goes, it is terrifying too. But you have to keep track of everything as well as you can, because you will forget. the trauma will affect how your brain processes things, and the fear also will block you from finding remedies to your situation. My lawyer had a copy of Splitting: How to protect yourself when divorcing- by Bill Eddy. I recommend you get one for yourself and your lawyer (if she is not familiar with it). Treat yourself with as much kindness as possible, and have people around who will treat you gently also. Get the NARP program if you don’t already have it. It is worth its weight in pure gold. Take care.
Thank you Becca. Im not sure why I felt the need to read through all the responses but Im now glad I did. Im definitely going to get my hands on that book. Anything at all that helps is fantastic by me. It has taken my lawyer a little while but she is slowly seeing him for who he is. His list of demands came back to her and she just dismissed over half of it due to the outrageous limits and control he wishes to have on ME…nothing to do with our son.
Thank you for taking the time to reply. Its invaluable to know I am not alone. If I can get through the NARP modules without being emotionally wrecked every time…I will feel like I can make headway there too 🙂
Hi Melanie,
Thank you so much for this article. I’ve been out of my abusive narc relationship for over 1 year now with limited contact in the beginning now for the past months No Contact. I went through everything you have described here. Now, I’m at the place where I’m devoting all of my time and money that I can to my self healing. I house sit for a living so I have a Yoga App I use on my phone to do my yoga, I drink a healthy smoothie everyday and eat lots of salad…Also, I’m exploring flower essences too!!! In fact, I received a massage from a Reiki Practioner who practices massage and Reiki combined along with sound therapy. She worked up my heart chakra…all kinds of grief came up. I was called to use Star of Bethlehem flower remedy and within hours I could feel the grief dissipate and leave my body. I continued the tincture for a few days…These road has been the most challenging of my life..I’m so happy to be on this journey of self healing and self love. I still miss being in relationship and have my off days..However, I know that I need to find and embrace the love within and that will make all of the difference in the world. Thanks Melanie for being one of my Angels. xoxo
Hi Reanna,
You are very welcome.
This is wonderful that you are devoting time to your well-being.
The things you are doing are wonderful….
Again I believe the purging aspects of flower essences are really vibrational support and supplement to the inner work.
Please consider a more direct inner shift work tool – because if you do – what you will discover is a much faster way to release, where you will experience the relief of releasing it and the download of replacement energy – IMMEDIATELY.
This means after each shift (in many cases) you can literally be experiencing freedom, relief, space and joy.
That is the true power of deep inner shift work.
Flower essences are a great deal slower and can be quite painful as the slower and more drawn out release occurs..
Also when you do the inner shift work you get the ability to become intimate with the powerful ah-has of the ‘reasons’ as to why life did not work out healthily and what the required shift of belief is.
Our subconscious has powerful information for us that guides us and teaches us when we become intimate with it.
That part of growth and learning is priceless in our healing journey.
Mel xo
I love this. It’s pretty much validated a lot of what I’ve been thinking.
So many LOA teachers say that the good feelings have to come first. As in you have to make your mind think happy thoughts and then you will change your vibration and then all that healthy eating, giving up vices will simply happen because THEN your vibe will match such lifestyle habits.
And that has not been making sense to me at all and I do feel that the physical stuff, cleaning out the body has to come first. Even if you have to PUSH yourself to do it on some days, most days or every day for a while.
The ideas I’ve read and referred to above… feeling good first and then you can exercise, eat right, etc, well, my opinion on that is that it’s bullsh*t. Certainly for those who have been traumatized. Maybe it’s different for people who grew up abuse free. I wouldn’t know.
I think when our bodies and minds are traumatized we need to consciously make the decision to do something about it and then do the thing/s that are going to make us feel better.
Feeling better doesn’t just happen from thoughts. Geez, anyone who’s been traumatized knows how difficult it is to have a feel-good thought.
Mel, you have given me in your article, a nice outline on some actions to take, starting with blood work.
I already drink smoothies, not everyday but a few times a week. Will have to up that to everyday. I also don’t use super-food supplements everyday although I have them, so I’ll be changing that too.
Funny I read this today. Last night I read a post on someone’s experiences with an N and it got me so ticked off that I decided that I’d had enough of dying slowly inside ‘because of other people’ and I’m going to start doing things to improve my health and make myself stronger in body, mind spirit.
The word synchronicity comes to mind. 🙂
Thanks Mel and Hugs.
Hi Luann,
The goal of L of A teachers is 100% right – ultimately with DO have to have happy and life-affirming thoughts.
The problem is ‘how to get there’.
I was having a wonderful conversation about this topic with a dear friend last night – another energy healer.
We both love the Abraham/ Hicks work, but acknowledge TOTALLY that for ourselves personally and for so many of our clients that it just was NOT possible to direct our thoughts positively when we carried so much pain, fear and trauma in our bodies.
Our ‘assessment’ is that people such as Ester Hicks and other Law of Attraction teachers is: MAYBE these people simply did not have the life experience of carrying the levels of pain and trauma that we and others did – and hence why it was easier for them to simply direct themselves on to pure positive thoughts.
My answer to this is exactly what I described to Ger above – that IF we have huge amounts of fear, pain and trauma in the cells of our body (resistance to ‘positivity’) that we have to release that first in order to be ABLE to get healthy, happy and positive.
Then when that toxic junk is cleaned out – we CAN!
My take on all of this (and especially for the levels of trauma in this community) is:
1) Work diligently on cleaning the emotional pain out, and in conjunction
2) Do everything possible to create positivity and good health in your life to supplement this release and creation into the New You.
That, I believe, is the winning Law of Attraction formula.
Mel xo
Thanks Mel-
This makes a bit more sense.I’ve always seen LOA as a chicken and egg type dilemma. So basically you still need to do the physical stuff while working on the emotional.
Someone above mentioned Alice Miller and one of her books.
I’ve read a couple of her books as well but not the one mentioned. She advocates strongly writing about your experiences, getting them out on paper to (or screen)to release them.
And I’ve done so much of that and still have never felt completely free. So I’m guessing that we also need the energetic release too,which doesn’t happen in simply writing it and forgetting it, or even publishing it(?)
Thing is I have this start stop habit and it’s no different with QFH. I have the program and each time I do it I get ridiculously fatigued and end up falling asleep before it’s completed.
Form of release or am I running from the work?
I know the discomfort of the fatigue is keeping me away from it, so that part is running. but I can be wide awake when I start a session and get half way through it. And next thing I know I’m waking up at the end.
What do I do to remedy this?
Hi Luann,
I agree that if our pain body is immense, then writing is not enough to release the emotional charge which keeps painful belief systems embedded in place.
Correct – this is where release work directly on the energetic body comes into place.
Ok – this is your survival programs avoiding the release they know will remove them…pure and simple..
When I get a big thing to shift – several things may happen (and this is when I know it is really big) my muscle test will feel fatigued – almost like RSI – where I have trouble doing it (interesting how that never happens for anyone else), and / or I have trouble staying focused or awake.
Knowing this I stand up to it – determinedly (because there is no way I want a BIG survival program stuck in my subconscious causing my life to be rubbish!)…so what I do is rock, or stand up and walk while clearing – ANYTHING to stay on the job and get it done…
No matter how much my wrist hurts with the muscle test, and no matter how tired I feel.
My subconscious has truly realised there is little point now trying to resist inner work – because it WILL get done!
I hope this helps Luann.
Mel xo
Thank you. Could not have arrived in my inbox at a better time.
Hi Marcia,
you are very welcome 🙂
Mel xo
How is it possible, that even after being devalued, one can still feel sorry for the narcissist?
The more I learn about narcissism and co dependency and how “lucky” I am to have developed codependency rather than narcissism the more empathetic I become. I imagine it’s like being born twins and one got all the bad genes and self imploded and I got all the good genes. I feel guilty for being able to recover while being told he will never find peace and probably end up dying alone. Good Lord what an awful fate!!
I have been following Wayne Dyer and practicing mantras and sending out positive love into the universe, practicing forgiveness and I feel really good!! I like me. I’m fun and thoughtful and in general a nice person and I do deserve good things. (See I can totally do this!!) I haven’t seen him in months. I wish him peace of mind and soul really. Someone told me its OK to forgive the narcissist just don’t let him know. I am confused by this. Is it just my codendent nature that makes me feel this way? I wish I could tell him I wish he had been able to have a choice in who he is. Apparently I still have some healing to do.
Peace to all
Your narc does not care if you forgive him or not and telling him you forgive will give him more ammunition against you. The best policy with a narc is NO CONTACT period. You cannot help him in anyway. Pray for him that he be humbled to the point that he will sincerely seek help on his own. Let him go.
Hi M,
I have answered this question many times in posts above..
The symptoms and hooks of narcissistic abuse are not ‘logical’ – they are deeply subconscious and ‘chemical’.
It is the chemicals in your body which are causing your mind to try to find an ‘excuse’ to re-hook with the narcissist.
Forgiving him directly would create that hook up your subconscious programs are trying to get you to do.
That is the addiction.
I hope from reading my posts above you will get a deeper handle on this, and how to get out of it.
Mel xo
Thanks Melanie,
I am working on it. I received so many messages as a child that I had to forgive completely otherwise God wouldn’t forgive me for any of my “sins” either. And what person of any age wants to be rejected by God!
Spirituality can be difficult to navigate at least for me!!
The whole idea that co dependents and narcissists are two sides of the same coin just makes me sad. I have an aunt with Alzheimer’s. it is devastating. She used to have out bursts but was able to later remember them and remind everyone she was still “in there” and still loved them. It makes me wonder if there was some point in the narcs development when they realized what was happening to them but couldn’t stop it either. I am probably way off base and I hope no one on here some how gets offended by my comparison. I am working thru my unhealed parts like everyone else. Sometimes the thoughts make sense and sometimes I can mentally see you shaking your head at me because I’ve missed a step. But something happened to the narcs. And it stole from them their soul, the person they could have been. And there but for the grace of God go I.
Peace and love~
Hi M,
I believe forgiveness in it’s purest form is about realising ‘It was all in perfect and divine order and therefore there are no villians / victims – it was all a divine dance of evolution’..
Meaning that there is nothing that happens that is not at a soul level chosen anyway, and truly ‘nothing’ to forgive…
Forgiveness I believe is about releasing us from being a victim…such as ‘Because of you my life is now (finished / useless / not worth living)…’
When we grant someone that much power over our lives it does equal how to lose and we remain powerless…
When we can accept they were a catalyst presenting us with our own unhealed parts then we can be released..
As Neale Donald Walsch says as God’s words …”I only send you angels”…
I don’t believe God rejects anyone M, at any age…I believe we are all loved unconditionally without exception.
It is us, who rejects ourselves..
Why would we need to earn God’s love – when God already is ‘all that is’..That never made sense to me..
That model of needing to earn God’s love I believe was created by needy, demanding, narcissistic models – not God.
It’s the belief that we are not ‘loved’ without earning it (for who we are) which has caused so much shame, pain and insecurity..
What a different world if we had been loved and cherished unconditionally from the start…and how much better we all would have treated ourselves and others.
Your Aunt is more than likely with the loss of her mind, more ‘within’, and maybe even ‘at peace’. I believe that for many people ‘losing one’s mind’ would be a relief..because the mind is often the most self-punishing tool of all.
Of course it is hard for people who love her observing her…
According to Sam Vaknin – that once the narcissist’s True Self is disowned that a takeover starts to occur – and the False Self insidiously ‘body-snatches’ the narc…
And yes, he describes it like viewing oneself from a distance with no means of controlling what is happening…very ‘out of body’.
In effect the narcissist becomes owned as the servant of the False Self (according to Dr Vaknin) – hence why the narcissist will forgo and destroy anything and everyone to serve the False Self.
Please dont ever think I would judge you or shake my head…that’s truly not what I do – or am here to do!
You are at where you are at – and everyone’s journey is personal. I just guide where I can…and have no attachment to whether or not people do what I suggest…
Mel xo
Hi again Melanie,
Thank you for responding! And please understand I did not mean to imply anything negative about you when I said you “were shaking your head” at me. I was judging myself not you!!!
I am just afraid of anger. I am afraid of people who are angry and even getting angry myself. Do i need to get angry in order to heal my unhealed parts? Anger has usually led to violence or rejection in my life. I believe that is how I became co dependent. Just trying to keep the peace. Now I do get angry but it usually doesn’t last and I feel ashamed for getting that way. If I don’t feel shame myself automatically I am usually reminded by people in my life of all the things I should be grateful for. Then I feel shame realizing how blessed I really am and why am I still whining and angry about “insert offense”.
I don’t want to be angry at someone (narc) for something it sounds like they had no control over and were quite possibly sent to me by the universe to have this experience. I start to feel ashamed when I even consider it!! That is my judgement on myself.
I am really ok. I keep plugging away at fixing myself. Thank you so much for your help and guidance from experience!
Much, much love and gratefulness!
Hi again M!,
That self-recrimination stuff SOOOO needs to go!!!
So backs my point about conditional love and judgemental models – they didn’t do any of us favours in the self-love, self-acceptance stakes!
Anger is an emotion that is there for a reason.
It says “Enough”…and that is appropriate – absolutely. When abused you get angry – if you don’t – you fall into manic depression..
Anger is about ‘taking your power back’ – it is a healthy step up the emotional scale…which does not mean you stay there – but it is a necessary step..
It is really important to clear that judgement, so that you can unconditionally accept yourself, including ‘the right to be angry’…
Release the shame too…
And know no-one else’s opinion is relevant to how you work through your emotional journey…you are not here to please them with the version of how THEY believe you should be…
Okay so you know what you need to let go of..
Self-judgement..
Fear of being angry
Shame
And the need to please others in order to feel safe, loved and worthy.
You will be a new woman if you let this stuff go – and better than new – you will start to be ‘free’.
Mel xo
When I separated from 22 years of being in a narcissistic relationship, I was a destroyed person. I didn’t care if I lived or died. I suffered from paranoia, every woman was a narc. I was TERRIFIED of all woman. I would not speak to women, I avoided them with all of my effort.
I knew this was not normal and made the choice to recover. I cleaned myself up, I started working again. I began to free myself of whatever attracted me to narcs.
4 years now since my separation and I remarried and for the first time in my life I am happy in a relationship. I never knew what a healthy relationship was like.
When I met my current wife, she said that I had no life in my eyes, I was a stone, a Mr. Spock.
I’m grateful she stood by and helped while I was in recovery.
Melanie thanks again for another great article on healing. I married my Nar back in 1993 and have had 4 wonderful children with him . I have been a stay at home mom, ran the family roofing business from home. I don’t need to try and explain to you or anyone on this site how the love of my life, sole mate, man of my dreams ended up being my worst nightmare. The truth is also that he became my best teacher. I have filed for divorce this past April we are still living in the same house as we settle things out. In the beginning all I had left was low/no self esteem. The betrayals, affairs, lack of accountability & empathy. The crazy making and of couse the painful smear campaigns of my character to friends & famlily all those wonderful Nar traits we have all experienced had left me broken and feeling hollowed out. I didn’t know it at the time but that was when the gift of healing was about to take place. The universe lead me to your site. The Quanta Freedom program that I use when the emotions come up to really feel them. NOT run/distract from them like I used to my whole life even before the Nar showed up . It is so helpful to feel them look at them and release them. You mentioned in one article a book called “Breaking the habit of being you ” by Dr.. Joe Dispenza. Wow so much more healing again from that book . Learning to go inside and really address the faulty core beliefs that I have had since my childhood that lead me to be co-dependent in the first place. I used to say to people how could he have hurt me like he did and not care, he was the love of my life. “HE WAS SUPOSED TO PROTECT MY HEART” … I had been through such an emotionally horrible childhood. When I meet him I really believed he was supposed to protect my heart and therefore fix me. Funny right the law of attraction then puts us together for him to rip apart my heart by doing just what Nars do. Nothing personal there really when you think about it. so therefore I had the opportunities to learn the lessons that I needed too learn and they has been (I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR PERTECTING MY OWN HEART) I have learned that this is not accomplished by disengaging from life and people so I won’t get hurt but by learning to love myself so much that I would never let anybody treat me with the disrespect of self that I allowed before. It is not accomplished by finding someone to love me so that I can valadate my self worth. I have learned that it all comes back to me. To loving myself. Like you said Mel connecting back to myself and source. The lessons and healing I have gained through the pain of a 20 year marraige to a Nar I can say that I am grateful for today!! because he also has allowed me to heal alot of my chilhood pains and look at and change/shift false core beliefs that I had long before I meet him that I kept painfully not addressing until he emotionally brought me to my knees. I needed a sledge hammer. I needed to be battered severely before a could heal because as a co-dependent I have lived throught that childhood were we learned to turn off our feelings and put up with intolerable abuse to survive. It feels normal to us. I don’t even know alot of the times when I was backing up my boundaries and not caring for myself because I was so busy worried about taking care of everybody else and there feelings. I became numb to my own and so disconnected to the joys in life. Today I am not even all the way divorced and yet I have an inner peace as I am going through the court process thank you for that Mel. Even with all his Nar game playing because he just does not have the same power to effect my emotional well being anymore. . I could say and really feel it…. THANK YOU to my Nar. Well that is if I wasn’t doing no contact with him lol. God Bless all of us and our connecting back to source and ourselves 🙂
Hi Sandra,
absolutely you have described the fundaments of narcissistic abuse.
I am so pleased you found your way to this community, and have been working through your deep inner healing with QFH, and it is always wonderful when people combine this process with other tools, tips and books that I recommend.
That is exactly why I share these resources – to grant people the most powerful road-map I passionately can in order to heal.
Jo Dispenza’s deep understanding coupled with the QFH tool to shift, created a huge acceleration in my own healing process too.
It is wonderful, truly that in today’s spiritual / self-development world that all the powerful tools are available when we are seekers and are prepared to work hard to get better.
Never has there been a more ‘supported’ time to heal – without exception.
Our forebears simply did not have the opportunity that we do, and this is why ‘this time’ is so about putting the end to the cycles of abuse, not just for us – but for our future generations – and it all starts individually with each and every one of us.
If we heal ourselves, we positively influence the entire cycle. Especially if we have children, this is so important.
You are an inspiration Sandra, absolutely. Because like many people in this Community there was a great deal of wounding in your pain body which required confronting to change your life and love patterns.
I am so happy for you that you have chosen to and have had the courage to do this.
Beautiful that even though you are not finalised that you have accessed, created and anchored in inner peace. This is exactly the foundation to create ‘internally’ to gain the smooth results ‘externally’.
Which is exactly what happens when you are no longer triggered and affected. Narc tactics fall over.
I know when the incredible level of gratitude (which you expressed) is reached that the work is done and results achieved are real.
Sandra, congratulations – you truly and authentically are thriving!
Mel xo
Hi Mel,
I don’t feel safe at all. Nearly everyday I think I have only one option left. I won’t take that option but sometimes I think it is my only way to peace. Confronting writing that but I am strong enough to keep pushing through. I get all that you say and I practice all that you suggest. I do narp modules, I walk, I meditate, I do yoga, I work full time and nurture myself. It’s been two years and some days I feel I am getting worse, not better. When I do have those wonderful days i can understand what you share with us.i think my pain is coming from where I have previously had support from mutual friends and his family is now dwindling and they are supporting him and believing his stories. I feel lost and I feel scared about bringing more of these fears into my life. I am scared of pushing people away and mostly scared of pushing my children away who I have been the sole parent of for two years while he has gone off doing his own thing. I feel really threatened by ow that she will worm her way into my kids lives. Then I will be nothing. I just wonder how deep my wounds are. And I wonder if there is something wrong with me that I can’t move on and heal. Thank you so much, am feeling a bit better already. Will do a module soon. Xx
Hi Kally,
the first thing I want to say – right off the mark is this – “Email me!”
Kally with NARP you automatically have direct support in order to get my help with anything you are struggling with – and so I can tune into where your ‘block’ is and direct you step by step on how to address it, with which Module, and how to do the shift that will work.
Many, many Thrivers have used me as a resource and it has granted the ‘key’ needed to move from that breakdown straight into the breakthrough.
(Which they all are when you find and unlock the necessary key).
I will send you the email addy privately to make sure you have it…and PLEASE do…there is no need for you to be hanging in this suffering.
You have already identified ‘what is hurting’…and now all you need to do rather than sitting on it, and letting it eat you alive is go to a Module and shift it out..
All of them one by one…starting with the biggest.
Leaving them there (inside) means they continue to destroy your emotions and heavily negatively impact your life.
If something is ‘stuck’ then all you need to do is ask me…
And that goes for any ANY of these ‘charges’ of pain you are experiencing.
You are less than a month away from total relief from all of this…do you realise that?
Okay I hope I am clear – now please start shifting (great you are going to a NARP module) and as soon as you get stuck email me – okay?
…And please NO more suffering in silence and non-action – it’s just not necessary – and you need to stand up and know you DESERVE so much better for yourself – but it has to come from you.
I’ll back you ALL THE WAY – but you have to take action.
Mel xo
Kally.
I feel your energy and pain as I have been there . I promise you there is hope!!
So many of us have been were you are right now. We know the pain, We know that stuck feeling and the pain of living in hurt and fear everyday. I can tell you that it brought me to a very bad place and almost cost me my life at my own hands back in 2010 . Thank God I found this site at first I read and read everything I could and that was great for learning about the Nar in my life and how they all operate the same and that i was not crazy. but then i realized that i could read about it all day long and I wasnt going to heal until i made a commitment to do the inner work that was just the beginning I worked so hard on those QFH mods. I learned that because I was not parented well when I was a child I did not know how to parent myself or self sooth myself when I had any kind of stressful experience quite the opposite I was so hard on myself beat myself up did not forgive myself talked negatively to myself and that had to stop. I had to go inside and learn to love myself and support myself and visually sometimes just give myself a hug. I had to learn to buy myself flowers if I was having a hard day. Sound silly bit I had to practice treating myself as well as I treated my friends and loved ones when they were sad or needed support I never thought about that before but when I started to do those things for myself instead of thinking my old way … i would be happy if only the Nar would treat me good or I wish some new guy would treat me good. When I learned to love myself that is when huge healing was able to take place it all was from that commitment to do the work and give myself that 2 hr block of time to realize and shift pain and false core beliefs that I had long before I meet the Nar. listening to the mods is the answer I promise you that we can not analyze think ourselves healthy we have to go to that place of emotions to shift and heal Please DO NOT give up right before the miracle happens to you. I am sending positives energy right now to you to find the strength to dig deep and do the work to heal. I know Mel is there to guide you and we are here to support you with love . The Nar in my life today does not have the ability to effect my mood or self esteem today it just happened as I did the work . He did not change he still plays the Nar games to try and get the reactions to get his Nar supply from me as we go through the divorce and legal stuff that goes with all that . but it does not effect me now there is no emotional charge it is amazing to me how fast it happened after 20 years of pain with him. I did the work and it was like it just melted away. I know if this worked for me and the mess I was it can and WILL work for you
Hi Anon,
I will grant you the simple answer – and it is very quantum physics…but very absolute.
You – personally do not have the power to make or even ‘show’ your children what to do for themselves to ‘get better’.
This can be a very hard thing for parents to understand. I struggled with it for quite some time. It was actually Ester Hicks who taught me the truth on this…
What this means is you can’t get your children to do Modules, or heal themselves. Human nature is this (especially with children) – ‘freedom’.
As soon as we try to get anyone to do anything in order for us to feel better about the way they are feeling – it never works. In fact all your children would do is resist adamantly.
When we understand deep spiritual and quantum mechanics we know that we can only ever affect change by changing ourselves – no-one else, regardless of how good our intentions are.
This is your only true option and it is powerful..
Change YOUR perception of your children. Put the pain and concern on each child into a healing Module, and shift that out and bring in the deep feelings of ‘seeing’ them healed and whole.
Use Module 11 – The Goal Setting Module.
Then – I promise you with all of my heart THAT is exactly what will start to unfold.
This is EXACTLY the process I worked with my son – who had a miraculous turn around from a shocking state in 3 short weeks – and this process has assisted more parents / children in this community than I could count.
Isn’t that much easier than trying to round your children up to do work on themselves?
And infinitely (you will realise) more powerful.
You will need to do this to see the results for yourself.
Mel xo
Ty Suzanne, Lane, Kay and Melanie, gr8 to receive your nurturing support and advice:)
Thanks Melanie for all the work you do! I’ve been feverishly reading and Narping and you have become my constant companion in the car through your talk radio show! I’m feeling so much better but still realize I have a lot more to shift. I’m going to get there! Thanks again for teaching us how to focus on us in order to change our world!
Lisa
Hi Lisa,
you are very welcome.
Thank you for having me as your companion in your car!
Lovely you are a fellow traveller on this journey 🙂
Mel xo
Hi Melanie,
There is an earlier article I thought you wrote and I am trying to find it, can you tell me if you wrote it and if so what the title and date of that blog is? It was about a person being a certain way (normal and kind) then that person was grieving/ going through grief and acted in ways considered to be NPD. I thought you were the author of a blog of this topic but I may be wrong as I can’t find it. Thank you…
Hi NPD THoughts,
The only thing I can think of it Sherry’s latest Thriver Show which was last week?
That would be the only reference to that ‘topic’…
Mel xo
Yes on the Yoga and the juicing! I recently bought a Nutribullet juicer and it was the best hundred bucks I ever spent besides NARP. Also dance is very healing for many women. I’m a Bellydance performer and instructor and it’s a great way for women to meet other women and encounter their emotional expression through music.
My soon to be ex-husband (he moved out and filed for divorce all in one day and with no discussion, after 11 years together, in June) has narc traits and I started NARP about a month ago and am really making progress. I realized today that I was feeling safer, cozier, and more secure than I did when he was here. And I am by myself! This gobsmacked me! I feel safer by myself? How is this possible? But I do. And it’s a great place to be after only a month on NARP! During last night’s shifts I found myself clearing my vessel of what looked like old movie scripts. (!!) And I wrote that I will never have to stare at these old tragic scripts again.
Hey Melanie, I keep submitting my request for the NARC Facebook group but I’ve never gotten a reply yet. I wonder if I am doing it right or could you look out for it? I just re sent it again. Thanks love! Love to everybody, Pamela
Sometimes I just feel like I have to battle very person that is in my life. Especially at my job and I don’t know how to overcome that. This article is very good and at least helps me understand what I have been going through for the past 2 years. I am glad to be away from my narc but at the same time I have lost all sense of trust and wow that makes life pretty difficult. I work with a man that comes across as a funny, kind of goofy person. Most people like him and enjoy talking to him. It was no different for me until he started to cling to me. Now he finds any reason he can possibly think of to be in my office area and talk to me. He has gone so far as to keep right on talking to me while I’m answering the phone and trying to finish my work. He will even come and sit in the desk next to me and just sit there and stare at me. The first time I told him how uncomfortable he made me and how hard it was to work when he did that, he told me there was nothing wrong with it because if I wanted I could go stare at him any time he was doing his work. And he kept right on doing the same thing. Then on Thursday he started in with his usual non stop banter and I once again told him it was too hard for me to do my work. I asked him if there was something he needed me to do or if our boss had something for him to do. At first he just stood there staring at me and then he pretended to be looking for some paperwork and finally he remembered he needed to get ready to deliver an order to a customer. I just sat there and shook. I had to go into the bathroom for a bit just to calm down. And get this: after he made his deliveries he hasn’t been back to work. Ok, so I understand that because I am giving off such negative vibes to people because of what happened to me, I am attracting people like him, but I don’t know what to do. I work with him. I am looking for another job and I am also looking at moving. It is so hard living here. My narc stocked me, broke into my house, killed one of my cats, cut me off from all of my friends and over the past 2 years he continues to just pop up out of nowhere. Last June he drove by my house and made a total fool of himself. I just feel haunted and yeah, I don’t feel safe any where, not in my home and not at my job. Peace of mind? I haven’t felt that in a very long time and I don’t feel connected to anything and I don’t know how to get out of this.
I can feel for you and I also remember the days of feeling very powerless to influence my ex, feeling terrified most of the time and jumping at the slightest thing. I was hyper-vigilant. There were many things that I was not aware of at the time and I did not know how to heal anything inside me. I was also not aware that I had to heal or that there was anything wrong with me. I thought it was my ex and that he was the one with the problems. I was a victim of my circumstances and did not understand that because of my old programming and deeply held unconscious beliefs, I was attracting my experiences too. I now understand and have experienced that I attract into my current experience that which is unhealed in me because it functions at an energetic level. What shows up in my outside world mirrors what is on my inside self. What I and many people on this site have done is use the NARP programme and Quanta Freedom Healing modules to get these old programmes out of us energetically. Once they are recognised, removed and healed, then the outside of our lives change too because our energy is no longer a match for the N. If you can get the QFH programme and work it, then your outer life will look different because you will be different inside on an energy level so you will show up differently and be treated differently.
Boundaries— I am recently “finaly” divorced from my narc ex husband. However, I am finding him contstantly and consistently invading my boundaries. His consistent arogant thinking that he somehow has a right to my life still is overwhelming, unsettling and terrifying! and really pisses me off! How can I find the boundaries I need to heal and live and be. I function well until – I “allow” him to unhinge me by invading my boundaries. His slow pushing his wasy back into “my life” We have children so I cannot have complete no contact, and he insists on continuing to socialize in my circles. Exterting himself into conversations, interupting me when I am with my friends, wanting to be introduced to new faces in my life. I cannot give up these social situations because they are mine and are my outlet, but since he has recently re-surfaced into these settings I am finding it harder to continue forward. I work all day and when my kids are home, he is constantly showing up at my house when I am not there, taking them places, hanging out at my house. I had to explain to him that my bedroom is not a place he should ever be or leave papers for me. I told him that he should repect my privacy. His response was the famous: Im sorry you feel that way- feel disrespected. My insides want to run away and start a new life. I want to move to another city… but I have spent so much of my life reacting and shadow boxing.. How can I set these boundaries. How vocal in the moment when he asserts himself into my life should I be? I know knowledge is my BEST weapon, but words in the moment have always been my weakness. I shut down, then blow internally. I litteraly get shakey, my heart races, my hands shake, my voice shakes and I cannot breathe or think straight.
Hi Denise,
it is often one thing to know the boundaries we should be laying – yet our inner ‘gaps’ are not allowing us to be strong enough to do it.
The truth is this is often unfinished business in regard to our boundaries being invaded long before the narc abuse experience..
This changes when we do the deep inner work on ourselves.
When these false and painful belief systems are healed, then we become the healthy boundaries we seek, and we CAN implement them..
This is why knowledge ALONE is not the true answer – an emotional belief system shift within you – coupled with knowledge is the true answer.
We can’t simply ‘do’ what we cannot ‘be’..
When we change the beingness (deep inside) then the ‘doing’ becomes natural, empowered and do-able.
Mel xo
Thank you- I don’t think that was it; it was something I read, not a show I listened to, so it must have been something else I came across online. Thanks though!
Please, do not stop writing.
🙂
Thanks for your comments. Sometimes standard blood tests don’t reveal everything. Ferritin – connected with iron- is also an important factor in well-being and inner strength. It’s often low in women who are athletic and vegetarian. If you fit into that category and are low energy, I recommend checking it out.
Hello Melanie,
this is a wonderful article. Full of a lot of wisdom and sound advice.
Thank you,
Oliver
Thank you for this post. When you mentioned being connected to the Source of well-being it really resonated with what I experienced when I started the healing work. I like to call this connection Synchronicity, being in tune with this Source. It got to the point that when I actually was hungry, someone appeared out of nowhere with a bagful of free food. When I forgot my bus fare money – a random stranger offered that I could use their group ticket and travel with them. I still felt like a newborn foal on shaky legs, but full of inner new-found peace and opportunities for a better life, meaningful coincidences started appearing every day. It was like feeling in tune with all the good in the world, not expecting anything yet receiving help, support, feeling true joy. I used to be very isolated and disconnected from others (and myself!), but later on I found myself being a part of a big ocean of humanity – caring and loving. It really works like that, now I have this trust in myself that appeared to be gone, lost forever. I’m on the right track and although my healing is far from over, the change in me is already breathtaking.
Great article taking into consideration all the most important aspects of narcisistic abuse and how to shift in order to be free.
I’m still suffering from fibromyalgia, wondering when and how I will come through it, but what I and sure about is that the way to be happy and live a fullfilling life is the one you mention in this article and in your course. Thank you for your work. So precious!