Non-accountability devastates relationships, and narcissists use this toxic defence mechanism to abuse you.
Accountability is essential for relationships to function. A happy, functional relationship is impossible without it. But narcissists suffer from toxic shame and have fragile self-esteem. They fear being wrong and will do whatever it takes to avoid scrutiny from others, including gaslighting, twisting reality, and lying. This can be incredibly damaging and soul-destroying for the person on the receiving end – YOU.
To go forward into sanity and health, we need to turn inwards and heal up those parts of ourselves that are addicted to this person and demand basic decency from them.
If you are looking for ways to heal from the damaging effects of narcissistic abuse and non-accountability, and are ready to feel supported and loved by Source and Life, then this Thriver TV is for you.
Video Transcript
Welcome to Thriver TV, where you learn about narcissistic abuse and how you can heal for real from it. If you have not yet subscribed to my YouTube channel, please do so, and I’d love for you to share my work with others who need it.
Today I want to talk about non-accountability: what it is and how destructive it is for relationships.
But before we get into that, why is accountability so important?
Accountability in relationships is taking responsibility for your actions and how they affect another person and being able to course-correct them to improve a relationship’s trust, collaboration and partnership.
Healthy bonds – whether intimate partners, friends, family, or business associations – require healthy accountability.
Accountability means I can self-reflect. I can own up to my shortcomings. I can offer others in my life my healthy and honest input. I can lean in to hear other people’s viewpoints. I understand it’s important to make amends if I intentionally or unintentionally hurt somebody. Because if I don’t, distrust and distance will come between me and those I care about and love.
Being accountable doesn’t mean being a pushover. In fact, people who can be accountable are likely to have difficult conversations, speak up and lay boundaries, and ask for what they need. Being accountable is a moral responsibility to the integrity of oneself and others.
It displays functional, emotional intelligence and emotional maturity.
Accountability goes both ways. If I do wrong, I need to own it. If you aren’t meeting my needs, then it’s up to me to express my feelings. This fosters respect, understanding, safety, trust and growth. It allows disruption, challenges, disputes, and even disagreements to uplevel into greater connection, collaboration and teamwork.
Accountability is essential for relationships to function. A happy, functional relationship is impossible without it.
The Narcissist’s Attitude Towards Accountability
Let’s have a look at how narcissists approach accountability.
Due to their internal wounds, narcissists have fragile self-esteem. They fear being wrong. They’ve got defences, which are not only impenetrable, but if you get too close, they can be brutal.
Narcissists suffer from toxic shame, which is the fear of being defective. When that toxic shame is triggered, rather than admit, heal and work on it, they project it onto others as blame, character assassination and gaslighting.
Narcissists do not experience the remorse and self-awareness that comes with normal people’s guilt when they’ve hurt somebody else.
They do not have the internal resources to face, hold, heal, and transform their painful, overwhelming feelings of shame. So narcissists regularly display dysfunctional behaviour within relationships due to being preoccupied with regulating their insecurities to avoid triggering narcissistic injury.
In relationships, narcissists detach from people. They distrust them. They don’t check in with others, they don’t do teamwork. They don’t speak up and communicate. They lie. They don’t take care of business in healthy and honest ways and are destructive in how they treat and speak to you. To try to survive a narcissistic relationship means that you have to walk on eggshells.
When you say something, the narcissist gets triggered into their defence mechanisms. You see them in full swing. Even if a narcissist is caught red-handed in a misdemeanour, it doesn’t matter – they will always deny it. They didn’t do it. You got it wrong. That was never said. You don’t have proof. Nothing was done to you. It hasn’t affected you. You are disloyal for not believing the narcissist’s narrative about what happened. It’s wrong of you to bring this up, to make a big deal out of nothing, and you are the abusive one who’s always angry and looking to have an argument.
Or the narcissist doesn’t remember doing something destructive. This is known as toxic amnesia, and it’s how perpetrators pretend not to have done awful things. They don’t remember. They don’t recall their betrayal, abuse, lying, or other dysfunctional behaviour.
The aim is to gaslight you – to make you doubt your perceptions, memories and information. Narcissistic denial worsens, and in some cases, it becomes delusion. the narcissist puts so much effort into creating a narrative and stories to avoid accountability that through lying to you, the narcissist is lying to themselves. In their efforts to maintain the False Self, they can completely lose touch with the reality of the situation.
The excuses and the justifications start taking on a life of their own. Delusion means detachment from reality, and this is where narcissists can end up.
Trying to converse with someone delusional (or acting delusional) about the event’s truth is mind-bending and incredibly frustrating. Because – although you are trying to seek a sane recognition, an agreement, some amends and some safety regarding what happened – you can’t even get to the first base of the reality of what actually did happen.
Additional gaslighting tactics will make you doubt your feelings, perceptions and reality – and that can happen in many other ways. Their comments tell you it’s wrong to feel the way that you do, or they say, “I never lie to you. You have the issues, not me. You know I love you and care about you. You’re just being oversensitive.” Whilst continuing to lie to cover up a lie, doubling down with more lies.
Blame shifting is another defence used in non-accountability so that everything is somebody or something else’s fault. Or the narcissist will cite unrelated events that have nothing to do with the matter at hand, refusing to remain on topic. I’m sure you’ve experienced many other defences I could go into massive detail about, but there’s no point. But I’d love for you to share other defence mechanisms you’ve experienced in the comments below because they’re all pretty stock standard, and we’ve all been through them.
The Cover-Up Is Worse Than The Crime
Being lied to by somebody you love and trust is soul-destroying. If you find yourself in childish arguments about something, the only reason is because someone refuses to be accountable, and you’re trying to hold them accountable. It’s mind-bending, especially when you know that their lies protect their fragile ego.
Narcissists will refuse to lean in, admit to wrongdoing, make amends, heal the relationship, and get it back on track. They do not feel into or connect to other people’s emotional realities. They can’t hold space for them. They can’t apply care to them and have empathy towards them, especially when their own behaviour is under question.
An altruistic narcissist can connect to others on many other topics, but they can’t do it when held to account. The narcissist simply will not own up. They will continue on in their pathological defences no matter what. It becomes obvious that they would rather lose your trust, respect and connection with you than admit they’ve done wrong.
Whatever it takes to try to avoid scrutiny from others, of course, backfires terribly. Because the covering up of dysfunctional behaviour with excuses and stories is even more drastically dysfunctional and damaging than whatever occurred in the first place. But within the egoic structure of a narcissist, if they get to walk away without admitting anything, they’ve won, which is pretty insane.
The Need For Transparency and Honesty
Transparency and honesty create and rebuild healthy, functional relationships. Many psychologists agree that when there is humility, openness, transparency, and remorse for the damage done to the other – along with a total commitment to atone, heal, grow and do the inner work on self that is necessary to prevent repeating that behaviour – relationships can heal even when there’s been very painful betrayals and misdemeanours.
Even in dysfunctional relationships with serious issues like ongoing addictions, if transparency and ownership are present, it’s much less damaging than relationships with lesser issues plagued with lies, distorted reality, gaslighting and lack of accountability. Let me know if you agree with that in the chat below.
Healing From And Protecting Yourself From Non-Accountability
If you have invested your heart with an individual who’s hurt you and been unaccountable – which means there have been gaslighting and twisted realities – you have been significantly abused. You’re going to feel damaged emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. It’s like you’ve been run over in a hit-and-run and then got accused of driving the car.
The usual symptoms are post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and you will be trauma bonded to that individual. You may feel manically addicted – trying to get stability, sanity, truth and remorse from this person to try and feel normal and well again. That’s impossible with a narcissist. They could feign accountability, but it won’t hold or last long.
When you poke them with a little stick again, they’ll return to the old, entirely and utterly mind-bending habits. To go forward into sanity, health, relief and release, we need to turn inwards and heal up those parts of ourselves that feel triggered, helpless, addicted and hold that person responsible for decency, integrity and care.
The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) is the most direct and effective way to reach, load up, release, and heal those hideous internal traumas and bonds. If you’re a NARP member, you can use the powerful Bonus Goal-Setting Module.
This is the intention that you set as the goal;
I anchor into safety, care, sanity, and healing.
I’m free to be supported and loved by all of Source and Life
You keep clearing out all resistance until you reach a 10 out of 10 on the goal. If you diligently repeat this daily, you will quickly dissolve trauma bonds and all forms of addictive connection to the narcissist – psychic, energetic, spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical. You’ll get your soul back.
How Do You Avoid This Kind Of Person In The Future?
Investigating a person’s level of growth and consciousness is vital because who you choose is who you will get.
If you are considering being close and intimate with somebody, open a discussion on accountability. How do they feel about it? How do they feel about taking ownership of something they’ve done wrong?
Do they believe they can ever even be wrong? Can they apologise to someone they have hurt, even if it wasn’t intentional? Do they care about other people’s views if they feel hurt or take criticism personally? Does it trigger them or affect them? Can they listen and lean into other people? Can they put themselves in other people’s shoes? Not just the world out there when it doesn’t affect them (altruistic narcissists can be very empathic when it doesn’t affect them), but mainly when it requires something of them.
Remember this: people with that narcissistic chip of being triggered by any perceived criticism will also be very triggered by any perceived disappointment in their life. So have a conversation. “How do you handle disappointment? Do you see it as an opportunity to grow and heal something about yourself?”
Do they know they can grow into a higher, better, more acceptable and capable version of themselves, with greater integrity and capacity after adversity? Or do they become victims and start blaming everybody else, and don’t like it when things don’t go right in their life?
That’s a narcissistic tendency. You want to find these things out.
Also, don’t just be a yes person in somebody’s life. If you disagree with their attitude or outlook, have an opinion. Speak up, put it on the table. Be calm and straightforward, don’t shrink. You want to see how they deal with that and whether they align with your values, growth, capacity and who you want to be. Because if this person is not on board with you, then you won’t have a life like that with them. They’ll be kicking and screaming, and you can’t change them.
Also, if you are in a relationship with somebody and they do something hurtful, speak up. Be honest about what you need and what you want from them. If they minimise you, spin it, project, shift blame or get angry, you know what you’re dealing with.
You don’t want to spend a life like that again.
In Conclusion
I really hope this has helped give you vital information about non-accountability.
It might give you real clarity about what’s happened to you. Also that healing with NARP can help you so much.
But also, too, I would love to offer you one of my powerful free resources – my 16-day Recovery Course, which you can sign up for by clicking on this link. On signing up, you will receive two comprehensive e-books that will give you back your soul and sanity and 16 days of emails giving you a path forward to heal for real.
Until the next video, keep smiling, keep healing, and keep thriving because there is nothing else to do. Lots of love. Bye-bye.
I.m.o.e deflection was used. Normally something I’ve done… And the selective memory …
Hi Melanie!
I’m so glad that this article came today as today is quite a special day!
In a few hours I’m going to be signing settlement papers and agreements with the narcissist….after 5 years of heartbreak and every emotion imaginable…😔
even though she has made every effort to destroy my life and my future from what we have been able to come to agreement about she is NOT going to be able to do that!
Not everything has gone my way that would have been fair but, much of what I hoped for and needed for my life to continue has been established!
Through this entire process, I’ve been forced by the narcissist to view this process as a transaction, but, when I was/am able to see a greater picture, and what all of this might mean, in terms of my Spiritual growth, honestly, even though I’m kind of getting screwed in the end, I’m coming out on top emotionally and Spiritually!
It would be easy to think of some of this as a loss, but in reality, Melanie, it’s a gain!
As ecclesiastics says “you can gain the world and lose your soul”….
I might be losing some of the material world now, but I have NOT lost my soul in the process! 🌻🕊🌻
without your fabulous and wonderful teachings, Spiritual guidance and NARP I would not be where I’m at today with this decision and situation!
Thank you, Melanie, a million million million times over! 💞
❤️🦋❤️
Thats amazing Peter! Melanie has helped me so much too!! Ever grateful for her ❤️
Hi Sonia!
Thank you for your comment! Melanie has been teaching us a lot lately, it seems, about how to approach and work through these most difficult situations that we are in SPIRITUALLY and to use her practical advice, (NARP)….I know for certain I’d be a lost soul, right now, if it wasn’t for her wondrous works on this earth! ❤️🦋❤️
Congratulations to you Peter.
Peter, it is awesome to see such progress in you. I’ve said it many times (here, in this context): yes, there is great loss of all sorts when we tangle with narcissists (social, financial, familial, psychological, spiritual…). However, there is an odd way of seeing it, both in the painful “during” (for example, right after the discard phase) and especially as we gain altitude during the healing, where to view the whole experience as a kind of gift we have been given is not completely wrong. I stumbled upon this one day as I mused the entire miserable experience, and I think I made myself angry! at the thought of what seemed like nonsense. But the more I heal, the more I find the gift I have been given is the synthesis of what the narc has “taught” me (strange as that sounds) and “my new self.” Not “my old self back,” but “my old self” + “my new self” as this = a better self. And the strange “gift” of the experiences of the narcissist is square in the middle of that. Consider.
Sure, I will wear the scars forever. Yet, I am still here, and I persevere. I wish you (and all here, Melanie, “the regulars,” the new, those who read but do not post…) the very best now and going forward. For it is the present which we have in the eternal now, going forward, until we do not.
MFC!
As usual, your didactic choice of words, and the compilation of such…as I read/absorb once again, I do so with great joy!
Thank you for this wonderful heartfelt response!
I so appreciate your continuing efforts here as I’m sure many others are appreciative of as well.
thank you so much for being here! Thank you so much for your uncanny insight! Thank you for your kindness!
See you down the Way!
Hi Man From California,
as always beautifully expressed.
ThankYOU for your love and care to All.
And Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Peter,
I am so, so, SO happy for you Dear Man!
Congratulation on your well-earned, hard-earned breakthrough.
How fantastic you are coming through this with what you need to continue on – AND you soul.
So much love and continued blessings to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
You are SO right – soul peace is the highest value.
Dear Melanie!
Thank you so so so much! 💞
❤️🦋❤️
My partner of 20 years left me when I had just lost my beloved cat, had an operation that had not healed and needed daily care, my mother had severe dementia and had had a stroke a couple of days before and needed a critical care team and my best friend was in hospital dying from liver cirrhosis, oh and I was going through the menopause. He said he didn’t want to “deal with my problems”. Some time later when inexplicably I hadn’t died, (I thought I would) we met for lunch to deal with some things. There he told me that it was alright for me because “nothing has been done you YOU”. I walked out of the cafe. They all do the same and never stop.
So sorry Blossom!
The same thing happened to me! I’m a military veteran with severe PTSD issues, and when my PTSD was at its worst, she abandoned me! I will never forget that moment, the night before or that morning….
Why they choose times to discard and abandon us when we are the most vulnerable. I don’t think I will ever understand! It’s so cruel!
Hi Melanie, I just read your blog and I love and needed the information provided.
I’m in a world of hurt! After 13 years into a committed relationship , I knew I can’t live with him 24/7 because of his narcissistic behavior.
We love each other and feel blessed but when an upset comes up (him) he never accepts accountability or apologize; it’s all my fault. I found out he lied to me, made plans to meet my girlfriend on the day he told me he wanted to rest before going to SF the next day. He made a date with her to have dinner and a movie behind my back. I approached her asking WHY “behind my back” she says she owed him money and was bringing it over. BS!!! Dinner movie too??? She decided to send a check and the planned date didn’t happen. He’s now blaming me for EVERYTHING gone wrong. No apology no admitting to accountability of what he did. I’m stupid I still love him, but know I have to let him go. Melanie, he’s good to me makes sure I’m healthy cooks for me does my laundry etc etc etc accept the anger I have to deal with 20% of the time. This time, he blatantly lied to me making plans and I caught him. He tells me he needs a break from me; 2 months now. Please help me…how do I let him go?
Hi Judy,
my heart goes out to you, it is so painful feeling soul enmeshed with someone who is hurting you so much.
Judy you have to take this break and HEAL.
THen I promise you that you wil get through this and never again accept such awful behavior.
Please check out NARP https://speedyshiftshappen.com/join-narp
It is how myself and others brokae away, detoxed and never looked back.
Sending you love and healing.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Oh gosh Blossom!
The self-absorption does know no limits!
Sending you oodles and love and healing
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Peter. And thank you for your compassion. You’re right you won’t truly understand, because no normal person could even contemplate doing such a thing. It’s good to know though that there are people who care. Look after yourself and be kind and treat yourself too It’s hard to do after all that, but you deserve it 🤗
Thank you Melanie, such a great video, I could identify with it 100%. Your ability and gift to describe the behaviors of Narcs was so critical to my healing; I felt so understood by you. These issues are very complex and hard for others to understand when they have never been in relationship with a Narc. I could not be understood by my family and friends, they simply did not get it and I felt it was difficult to describe the nuances of the relationship with the Narc. I could never get heard by the Narc, then could not get heard by family/friends and even could not get heard by some therapists who did not have enough knowledge about Narcissism to recognize one sitting in front of them. They literally used words like “gaslighting”, “cruelty”, “no empathy or compassion”, “blocked emotions” to describe him….but did not have the wherewithal to realize that these behaviors added up to Narcissism and they were working very hard to keep me married to him. Finding your priceless videos finally gave me the answer as to “what happened to me?” That lead me to NARP. I am a thriver, I am divorced, I found a therapist who does EMDR and was married/divorced to a Narc herself! I am feeling whole and ready for the next chapter. I am so grateful to you and NARP and all of the work you do. From my heart, Gail
Gail, Your comment “they were working very hard to keep me married” got my heart beating and fingers typing. 🙂 I just wanted to validate your experience with therapist that don’t understand narcs. FYI, I was working with a highly acclaimed relationship expert, who repeatedly said “Oh, he was just triggered. people say things they don’t mean when they are triggered.” I was seeking sanity checks with her, but ended up giving my power away and let her contribute to my own gaslighting myself, and “how do I be a grown up, willing to work on conscious relationship mastery.” In my last session with her, she was still doing her well-intended pattern, while I finally had listened to my body and knew I was done. I wanted to shout Wake up and smell the narcissism. 🙂 Dr. Ramani was extremely helpful/ validating at the time of my leaving, including talking about so many therapists not getting this. Wishing you all the best!
Hi M,
now I have to pipe up! Yes, “They were just triggered” is not a valid reason or excuse.
Doesn’t EVERY destructive event happen as a result of someone’s emotional reaction??
That is one of the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard – and a massive gaslight again.
So pleased you took your own true path out of this and listened to yourslf.
Love and healing to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Gail,
its my pleasure.
This is so true and the huge frustratoon many have is that other people cannot even begin to understand the behaviour and effects, unless they had deeply expereinced it themselves.
Many people put it down to “communication issues” wheras in reality it is so much darker than that.
I am so happy for you that you are doing so well.
You should be incredibly proud of this!
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Blessings and peace to all who have experienced this lack of accountability which further alienates us from our true self. After 7 years passed, I finally had the “audacity” to mention to my adult daughter, her decision to follow through with vacation plans during my hospitalization and beginning recovery from a serious case of pneumonia and no checking in to see how I was feeling. As is predictable, she became outraged and ranted about my being the most bitter person she knows and how dare I try to ruin her Mother’s Day weekend. Classic Narcissistic response.
Hi Everyone –
As always, huge thank you, Mel.
Peter – I dont know what country you are in, but thank you for your service! I come from a long line of very honorable military men.
Have you talked to the group about using NARP to help heal your ptsd?
I still find I am evolving and growing. Still finding triggers to clear. Still working to improve my life… and so, so grateful to be here instead of where I was a few years ago ☺️🎶💕
This talk is timely, I am thinking about getting back into the dating game. Love the suggestions of raising difficult questions as part of getting acquainted.
Hi Valerie,
lovely to hear from you darling!
So good you are going to ask these questions during dating – they ARE essential!
Much love to you sweetheart
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thank you Melanie! So clear and right to the point! What if it is the case of your adult son or daughter with whom you also work and live close? Is there a possible healing at all for a narcissist?
Hi Eve,
thank you, I’m glad that you enjoyed this.
The real and only truth is the ability to set boundaries and then see if it is possible for the people in your life to level-up so that you can have a healthy, safe, happy life. .. and even more importnatly one where things can work, without the constant anxiety, stress, possible exploitations and also difficulties that could be happening in the business with “narcissistic” tendencies being involved. With these boundaries and if the necessary accountability is not reached, whereby you can take your power back to know that things can be okay, for YOU and the business – then usually what happens is the relationship will end.
Which of course can be very painful and such a loss, and cause complications to your business and your life, but is far more preferrable than losing your own health, sanity and soul. Only decay happens when narcissistic energy is involved. Everything that you are trying to save will “go down” anyway. The very opposite starts to happen when you move back into health and integrity.
Eve, have you considered joing our Private NARP Healing Community, so that you can access the tools, coaching, guidance and support to naviage this challenging time in your life?
We would love to help you with this http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
Sending you love, healing and breakthrough
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Melanie, your insights about altruistic narcissists have given me clarity about a close family member who has confused me for 54 years because they ARE able to connect/empathise sometimes… As you point out however, connection is only there when the altruistic narcissist is not affected by the issue or is not being held to account. I finally get it!
Hi MM,
I’m so pleased this clarified this point with you!
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
You asked about defense mechanisms. Here’s part of my story…
After learning that my husband of 22 years had a second affair, I demanded that he leave our home for awhile to take a hard look at himself and our marriage.
As soon as he left for the 14-hour drive to his parents’ house, I emptied the joint bank account. Apparently, he got a notification and returned home. He refused to leave until I transferred the money.
I so desperately wanted him away from me, “ I asked, ‘How much money will it take for you to leave?” He wanted $1,500. Fine.
The next day he departed for a week of solicitude and contemplation —- or so I thought. After about five days, I called to check on him. He reported that he’d been to a party, a baseball game, and a movie!
I was infuriated! While I’d cried every day for hours, he was enjoying a vacation!
He promised that he’d present a reconciliation plan to me upon his return.
Two days later, he presented a timeline, showing when he planned to go to counseling. Then, with tears in his eyes, I proclaimed that he’d been in deep thought and that he was sorry for mocking a hearing-impaired girl and cracking a guy’s skull in high school about 30 years earlier.
His plan, his remorse, his sorrow had absolutely nothing to do with me, our marriage or his infidelities!
He complexity avoided the topics at hand!
I would love to see a reply to Eve’s comment please from Melanie & others… if anyone’s had positive results etc…Eve’s question: Is there a possible healing at all for a narcissist?..
I’ve just seen your reply to Eve, thanks so much Melanie. This article is probably the best I’ve ever read!…sooo helpful…I’m beyond grateful for all your insight & knowledge you impart to us…I have your book & will read it this weekend. Thank you 💓
‘Toxic amnesia’ thank you for the term which helps the validation process of such dark behaviour. Further thank you for describing the cover up process as even more damaging…
These have been extremely helpful to validate the mixed emotions I feel from debilitating devastation to anger, and that it’s normal and I’ve a tribe. XXX
Hi can you please include me to the subscription for the free 16 day recovery course? The sign up section keeps saying “something went wrong”..Thank you.
Hi Jenna,
Im so sorry that this has happened!
PLease write into [email protected] and one of our lovely team will help!
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋