Narcissists are masters at turning the tables on you.
Bait …Switch … Now YOU’RE the problem.
It’s confusing, frustrating, and ultimately, Soul shattering.
And if that’s not enough they then add insult to injury by hurling crazy accusations, lies, attacks and invalidation at you.
It’s all part of their blame game.
If you are caught up in this madness, then my latest Thriver TV episode is exactly for you. In this video I explain how to stop participating in this vicious game with people who aren’t healthy and don’t align with your truth and values.
I also show you how to start building real relationships that have a baseline of honesty, kindness, care, and teamwork because this is what you truly deserve in your life. Watch the video now, it’ll inspire you to take your sanity, spirit, and power back from the real problem person in your life!
Video Transcript
Narcissists are masters at making you look like the problem. They bait you, then they switch and they blame you in ways that really are very gaslighty and confusing. My mission for you today is to help you get clear about what’s going on, so that you can pull out of it and take care of yourself. But before I do, I just want to remind that if you are new to my YouTube channel, please like and subscribe and hit the notification bell, so that you’ll know about each new video that I release.
Adding Insult To Injury
Let’s look at this inverted madness that the narcissist pulls, starting off with the trauma that the narcissist – old switcheroonie – puts you through. Because it really is about adding insult to injury. Narcissists do dreadful things. They step all over your feelings. They violate your rights. They have no care for how this hurts you and if you react because you’ve been demeaned, abused or exploited, then they quickly turn the tables back on you.
It’s not just maddening and frustrating, it’s actually heartbreaking and it’s Soul shattering. So, let me give you a couple of examples. Let’s say the narcissist accuses you of something horrible in nasty and controlling and abusive ways. Such as, the narcissist could proclaim that you’re having an affair with a certain person or you’re talking behind their back horribly about them, or that you’re conspiring against them with something you’re doing.
Yes, narcissists are paranoid. They’re very unstable and they’re very insecure. These are things that you wouldn’t even dream of doing. You don’t even think like that, let alone do it. And you say, “Ouch.” To the narcissist, because you’re shocked that this person has no idea who you really are and you’re really stunned that they can even think that you’re capable of behaving like that.
In your world of normality, in your model of the world, after pointing that out to somebody, that you’re not that person, there’s no way you’re doing that … a rational person would take responsibility and they would say, “Well, you’re right. I’m imagining it. It’s my own stuff.” They would be sorry that they even thought this about you and they’d be really sorry that they hurt you with such an accusation.
As a rational, kind human being, that’s what you would do if you’d been triggered and thought something awful about somebody, that they’re not doing. You’d own up to it. But no, not the narcissist. The narcissist will double down harder, not just on their accusation, but all the apparent reasons why you deserve their interrogation.
They’ll tell you things like, “You were flirting with that person. Other people have relayed stories about your past and how you’re not to be trusted.” They could say, “You spoke about this person in a way that proves you’re conspiring and betraying me.” Of course, the narcissist will say things like, “I’m not the only person that thinks this about you. Other people have observed this as well.” Now you feel like you’ve been double assaulted. You literally feel like you’re going mad.
Not only are you trying to defend yourself against the original accusation that was completely out of bounds. You now have a whole other pile of madness to try to work through as well. What’s really scary about all of this, because it happens often, is you start to doubt yourself. You may question yourself and you think, “Hang on a minute. Was I doing that? Maybe I am and I don’t know I’m doing that.” And then, you start to adapt your behaviour. You can no longer just be yourself. You might even get paranoid about your own behaviour and how you appear to other people as well as the narcissist. The result is you start suffering, not just the horrible trauma of having somebody that you love, distrusting you and invalidating you and attacking you – you also start suffering the horrible shame and distrust within yourself.
So, another example is, the narcissist keeps abandoning you. I mean, they do it all the time, because they’re always invalidating you and telling you that your feelings don’t matter and you’ve got it wrong. But let’s say in this particular example, the narcissist goes missing in action. They’ve said that they’re going to do something for you and they don’t even turn up or they’re out of range, or their phone is switched off. You are feeling incredibly needy, traumatized, and triggered by this.
You speak up when you make contact and you ask what is going on and you tell the narcissist that this is really hurtful. Now, what the narcissist will do, despite their atrocious behaviour, is accuse you of being controlling and paranoid. They’ll tell you, this is the reason why they take off and they don’t follow through, it’s because you’re pushing them away with your behaviour. Of course, this can traumatize you to the point where you feel like you’re panicked and you’re even emotionally losing the plot, because things have become so painful and traumatizing for you.
So, here’s the truth. The narcissist was doing whatever they wanted without the care, consideration, and teamwork that goes with responsible adult relationships as a base foundational necessity. They weren’t acting like a caring, responsible adult who’s in relationship with another person. Yet, they’ve spun everything around to blame you for their bad behaviour. Of course, you start doubting yourself all over again.
When you start questioning yourself and what you’re doing and it differs from somebody else relaying this to you, somebody you cared about, and you’d look at their life and you’d go, “Hang on a minute, you’re being abused.” But when you start questioning yourself about stuff that you could normally really recognize is wrong, you’re in deep water, you’re in a toxic relationship.
When a narcissist blames you over things that you weren’t doing and they’re accusing you of stuff, it’s about them usually accusing you of exactly what they’re doing. It’s what sociopaths do. They’re also dumping their insecure, fractured Inner Being triggers all over you and they’re blaming you for them. When you speak up about what the narcissist is doing, that is abusive, uncaring, and destructive to you and the relationship, the narcissist refuses to take responsibility for their bad behaviour and still blames you for it. Is it any wonder with this behaviour that you are feeling so confused and traumatized?
The Way Out Of Being The Narcissist’s Scapegoat
The truth is, you are the narcissist’s scapegoat. So, how do you get out of being the narcissist’s scapegoat?
Many of you have asked over the years, “What do I do if the narcissist does … insert the behaviour … how do I stop the narcissist doing … insert the behaviour?” I’m going to be really straight with you, with tough love, to help you snap out of these questions, because I promise you, these are very powerless questions. You can’t do anything to stop anybody doing anything. You can’t.
The narcissist is saying and doing these things because they’re a narcissist. You can’t change what they think, say, or do, anymore than you can change a crocodile to make it roll over, let you scratch its tummy or make it fetch a ball for you. A dog can be a loving companion, a crocodile can’t. A narcissist has neither the desire, the resources nor the capacity to be a team member or a loving human being that even cares a scrap about your feelings, let alone you, your Soul, your Inner Being, or your life, because you are a mere object, a tool to serve the narcissist. Which means grant and hand them over energy, stuff, and resources, to further the narcissist’s life, totally at the expense of your own.
If you try to upset that agenda and the narcissistic narrative, “I’m superior, above reproach, and I can do whatever I want.” You are going to be blamed and tormented and punished. Please know this, the only real truth of your life is this – you’ve got no influence beyond you, beyond your skin, beyond your being. Outside of your perimeter, out there, you have no influence there. The only true power any of us have, the only true influence is within your own perimeter of yourself, regardless of what anybody else chooses to do or not. You actually have no control over that.
How Do You Take Your Power And Truth Back?
So, how do you take your power back and the truth that you decide to live? It has to be about stopping participating with people who can’t and won’t participate with you healthily, because they are toxic, poisonous, and incredibly damaging. When you stop participating, it’s essential to get very clear that you need to heal and grow yourself to know and align with your values and your truths about relationships. Any relationship, whether it’s a family member or a friend, a therapist, a love partner. Any real relationship in your life has to have these baseline foundations of honesty, kindness, care, and teamwork. Without those, you don’t have a relationship.
What this means is, if you don’t have a relationship, you have to let go, heal, recover, and take care of yourself from people who can’t meet you at this essential level of relationship. This is about healing the codependent aspects of ourself. Those parts of ourselves that have been trying to make unavailable, abusive people, grant us love, approval, security, and survival, so that we can become those things to ourselves.
A generative force of this, ourselves, because that means that we get better, we leave alone unhealthy people, and we can make better, healthier, more empowered choices and have healthy boundaries to keep the bad out and the good in, and be able to navigate and generate more good, real, true relationships in our life.
Now, I know that letting go is one of the hardest things to do, and it can seem so daunting and it can even seem impossible to achieve when you feel totally broken down and destroyed by a narcissist lining you up and blaming you for everything and stripping you mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and financially. But I want you to know from my heart to yours, no matter how bad things are and how horrible it all feels, there is a way out of this. I would love to show you how.
So, check out this link to my two-part Masterclass. It’s a completely free event and it’s called Recover, Heal & Thrive. There I’m going to take you on the journey of how to take your Soul, your spirit, your sanity, and your power back to be able to create a life and love that really does work for you. I hope this has helped you get clear about what’s going on.
The most powerful thing to do is to turn my back and be done with nonsense by broken people. Yet, this is incredibly easier to say than it is to do. I have been challenged, I have done some backsliding. Slowly, I learn. Yet, slowly is better than not at all. My own sense of brokenness is to not have learned this earlier. We learn this at our own pace.
It is like dodging something that someone is shooting at me (like real bullets!) when I didn’t even know that I had to learn to dance like this.
My will to live will become more than surviving, I will thrive. I haven’t fully figured it all out (who has?) but I’m way better than I have been. May a similar light bulb turn on for all who read here, if it hasn’t already.
It seems like we may be in about the same place. Broken things off but still resisting hoovers/contact/bargaining. Are you, or anyone reading this, looking for a no-contact buddy? 🙂 Instead of spinning about something (and doing NARP) we can have someone logical to discuss some of the madness rather than beating our head against the wall trying to reason with the N. It would have to be 50/50 kind of thing. Someone that is interested and can give care to others at the same rate it’s received. Maybe even a group email kind of thing?
I am 100 percent in. I am feeling so alone in this. This is the most difficult situation I’ve ever been through and I’ve been through a lot in my life. It would be nice to communicate with people who know what this feels like and can help me stand my ground. I know this message was posted awhile ago but if you’re still willing to connect I would be very grateful.
Dear Melanie!
Yes, Melanie, it is maddening, frustrating discouraging and for certain soul shattering! I.e. being constantly blamed and put into such horrible uncompromising situations! Continuing to be blamed really hurts and I’m really tired of it!
I’m still going through the nightmare of settling financial and property settlement with the narcissist…. oh my gosh, it is so heartbreaking and so gutwrenching but you already know all about that from your experience! And you’ve heard me complain about it for several years anyway!
I listened to the video and then decided to read the blog for today…at first I was kind of upset but after I finished reading everything that you sent to us today I started feeling a little more calm and a little better.
I am so grateful that you always bring us back to NARP and how to use NARP!🙌
It’s so easy to forget to NARP when I’m upset or I see another thing that this damn narcissist is doing or did!
I think the main reason this is topic so helpful, as they all are 🦋, today is that the narcissist is once again, as I mentioned, up to her old dirty tricks…..it’s really so frustrating! I don’t know how she’ can keep doing this or how she can even think that it’s right for her to act this way or do these horrific things….🤮 Hmmm! 🤔 realistically, I probably know the answer and I’ve heard you say it many many many times! “That’s just what they do!” Yuck! 🤮 But…..
You always tell us that if we do the right thing from the standpoint of our conscience and listen to our inner being and acknowledge our inner child we will be OK and I so firmly believe that! Unfortunately my inner chatter and stinking thinking and heartbreak is sometimes just too much…I know I need to settle down or as in the case of today just simply listen to you! Being reminded by you, with all the incredible, amazing knowledge and spiritual guidance you share with us, I know I will be OK but some days are just so damn hard and today is one of them!
I am thankful that, today, right now, in this very moment, as I’m writing this, I’m beginning to feel better and be able to, a little bit, reposition and refocus myself…🕊 I am thankful that you reminded me that that is exactly what I need to do! So it’s time to get going and do it! 🙏 Thank you so much for the inspiration and the kindness and love that you show to so many people, every day, on this earth! 💞
Bless you, Melanie Tonia Evans! ❤️🦋❤️
The narcissist has been blaming me even as I try to establish distance, upping the ante at every opportunity. He’s going into therapy with his mother, which is probably a good thing, but as the scapegoated (narcissist’s own words for me) step dad, I want nothing whatsoever to do with any of that. He just has to learn to treat me with respect. End. Of. Story. I get along great with his brother, and that’s good enough for me.
Thank you for sharing your experience and i totally relate to most of what you are saying. I am really grateful to be part of this group. I realize I am not alone. I just left my husband last week ( it is the third time!) and I do feel free and can do whatever I want with my decisions and basically anything I want to do. Prior to my leaving, I was having really bad anxiety because I thought of leaving him for some time. He was just becoming more controlling and he was behaving with temper tantrums when I was trying to tell him what I want (to reconcile with my family and friends). He preferred to have his family support me but that was not what I wanted, I really needed my family again. He is a felony anyway and has a serious court case from previous relationship and I can’t believe I fall into it. He was charming at first and said it was all her fault but I realize she is the same victim as I am now. I have had hard day today especially with going to file for divorce and maybe restraining order and reading your stories help me realize that I am going to be okay even though I know he is expert at lying and twisting stories. Any advice, or suggestions, please share. Thank you
Hi Tammy,
standing up against narcissists is not practical or logical – this is a spiritual war.
To get on to the “battlefield” in a way that really works I would love to you to see my 2 part masterclass … because it explains what is really going on with them and how to take your life back
http://www.recoverhealthrive.com
I hope that this can help
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thank you for this because it backs up everything I have felt, believed and said to others for the last 7 years. An accusation from a narcissist is really a confession.
My ex accused me of burning her house down and that I was stalking her. This was happening while I was suicidal and most days could not get out of bed due the emotional abuse she drowned me in. I was arrested and held without bond for nine months while the investigation was going on. Finally I was released with the DA telling the judge the only evidence was her accusation. I was shattered, broke, homeless (I had to sell my house to pay for my attorney), and suicidal when I got out of jail. While I was in jail she went to civil court and got a permanent protective order granted which I am now going to try to have terminated.
Oh my gosh Cheryl,
what you have been through is terrible!
Sending you love and healing
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Well I was healing nicely until the lies have put me in spotlight now of abusing my daughter s if, he as you say guilty of emotional abuse not me??! I’m so confused how to handle. I’m having to address his lies, or else I could lose my child. Can you comment on this situation please? I can’t grey rock when such malicious lies. Being calm, being my truth will not be enough I need to defend surely?
Hi Leonie,
defending will only get you thicker into the fray!
The way to combat this is to shift from inside of you how you feel about it (release your own persecution programs) and then what is happening “outside of you” will all melt away ..
Truly …
This is exactly the Quantum Way (the only way I have ever seen work) to defeat narcissistic bad behavior including smearing.
If you google my name + smearing this is explained in greater detail.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thanks Melanie
As usual it is almost like you’ve been eavesdropping on my last relationship as I recognise everything you have said.
I confronted my partner about her infidelity and it became my fault as she had to do it in order for me to realise how important she was to me so I would understand how much I had to lose.
It was such twisted logic that for a moment I really did wonder if it might be true!!!
Narcissistic logic is nuts Paul!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I have divorced my narcissistic husband and came out on top thanks to Melanie and others teaching about narcissistic people. I went through all the steps of narc. The love bombing, devalue, then discard. At first I was begging the narc to forgive me for whatever he thought I did wrong, and I could see it in his face that now he thought he had complete control, he started attacking my children’s character, ( his step children) setting new rules. When he found out that I figured him out and went no contact that’s when he got really mean. He tried to sell the house without me knowing, he went missing and had a relationship where he had a women and her child living in our vacation home, thinking I would get jealous of the new supply. Well I bought him out of the vacation home and bought and moved into a new home. My advise to anyone dealing with a narcissist husband or wife is to save as much money as possible to make a run for it and stay no contact. The money is to get back on your feet and for a Lawyer because the narc plays to win and only want to see you suffer.
Thank you Melanie
This is spot on as usual. It is amazing how even NON-Narcistic people have an expectation that somehow an individual can control another person’s behavior, feelings, and thoughts. I was certainly trapped for many years feeding into this toxic paradigm in an abusive relationship. Also, how nagging a person will change another person. To which I want to say, how is that working for you? Partnering yourself is life changing. Thanks for providing tools.
It’s my pleasure Pat,
It’s awesome that you realise the truth!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Dear Melanie.
Please help me!!! I have a sexual harassment charge against my ex, who I unfortunately work with. I had a 4 hour hearing where I shared extremely traumatic experiences I have gone through with him. It triggered horrible feelings and I’m left sleepless, unable to focus and I’m scared of falling down the suicidal rabbit hole again. In his hearing he accused me of being mentally unstable, trying to set him up, and lying by telling them I am still seeing him and sleeping with him. They told me he came across as unreliable, and I had contradicting proof to back up my case, but I’m still a nervous wreck. Am I making a mistake? Should I just drop the charge and let it go? Somebody please give me some advice.
Hi Emma,
my heart goes out to you – this is very traumatic.
Emma trying to combat a narcissist when we are still triggered and traumatised always goes horribly – Im sorry to say.
My highest suggestion to you is to heal and get relief inside and then you will “know” what to do, and can stand against this without being derailed (which of course is really normal, but doesn’t work!)
I’d love you to come into my free 2-part Masterclass recoverhealthrive.com to learn more about what is really going on here – and how to get your soul, sanity, lifeforce and power back.
I hope that this can help
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Emma, as I read your e, I was right there with you in a case of my own way back in the 80s when nothing much was known about this abuse. I used to go for long walks and make the space in my mind for other things that happened along the way, like a great sunset or children playing etc.etc. just to push out the other stuff and by the time I got home I was outside of it all and back in control. I got to see it as a big heavy box that I could just shove away in a cupboard till his next onslaught. I used to keep a diary and write it all down along with how I felt and how it was affecting me, then close the book and go away to do something else. Are you able to get a new job elsewhere? though I can see if you are in a vulnerable state, you may feel you couldn’t handle the ordeal of looking, applying and interviewing but that in itself would give you a fresh focus which would ‘water down’ the intensity of the hateful stuff he’s putting you through. You know your own truth, hang on to that and don’t ever again enter his boxing ring, don’t even watch, leave the’ building’ and know that this is a temporary thing in your life and if you stay strong, for you, like me, you will be able to look back and see it all for what it is/was and you will be free, sooner than you think, Stay strong.
Dear Emma
We have got you here!!….with Love🌹🌹🌹
Focus on “you are winning”……it is tough going BUT you will get there 👼
Much Love to you,.,,Praying for peace to settle in your heart 🙏🙏
Emma, I wish this information had been around in the 70s when I was going through this trauma, back then, I hadn’t even heard the word and no one around me had either, making it so hard to figure out what was going on let alone have a pattern. I got free eventually after a ten year fight for survival. It took the death of my beloved Dad to give me what I needed to be strong enough but even then he threw what he could at me and derailed my life from afar (for a while). It was seeing what he did to my Dad while he was dying that gave me the strength. Added to that, he started treating his own children the same way so THANK YOU for being out there for others who find themselves in such a CRAZY place.
Post starting Emma, meant for Mel. Oops, sorry.
How do I get away from one. I’ve suffered now for ten+ years and trying to get away , she always tracked me down and wouldn’t leave me alone. She won’t let me divorce, says she will fight it and cost me money I don’t have. Our house is in her name, and I think she will try to take everything.
Hi Berryman N,
this is a big conversation that needs a deep look at, as to why she is still hooked in and how you can break free from this.
My free 2 part masterclass explains it all, as well as how to get fully free http://www.recoverhealthrive.com
I can’t recommend it enough to you to help you get clarity, answers and true solutions
Mel 🙏💞🦋