Many people in this community realised they were abused by a toxic individual later in life. In fact, most of our wonderful community here seeking help are in their 40s or older.
Later in life, recovering from a traumatic experience caused by someone close to you, such as a parent, family member, spouse, or friend, can feel devastating and incredibly traumatising. The losses and fallout can be so extreme that everything you thought was your life is rubble at your feet. Narcissistic relationships wrack up big losses – your emotional, mental and physical health, property and finances, and the destruction of who and what is precious to you.
Most people in this community are looking at a complete and utter rebuild of virtually everything by the time the narcissistic relationship has smashed them.
Is it possible at any age?
How do you get over all the lost years, the beating yourself up that you threw so much love, energy and resources down the drain and for what?
It’s almost unbearable to accept that you must start all over again.
Maybe you believe you are too old now, that your best years are gone, that you are not attractive enough anymore, that you have nothing to offer, and that it’s too late.
Because you don’t want to suffer and be alone and think it’s too late to heal, you might just try to get up, get on with it, numb the pain, and hope for the best.
Possibly that isn’t working out well for you because the terrible feelings of loss, loneliness and pain continue. Your life doesn’t feel complete and fulfilled, and you wonder why, despite all your efforts, life has ended up like this.
Do you think this was meant to be?
Is life some cruel joke?
How can you get life right later in life when you have never understood or experienced how it is supposed to work? What if you don’t have the capacity or ability to do this? How can you learn how to make relationships and your life work healthily now when it never has?
I promise you with all my heart that these were the traumatic feelings and thoughts plaguing me at 40. I truly thought my life was finished and there would be no way to rebuild and recover.
But my Soul had a completely different plan, and so does yours, regardless of age.
Today, I want to share with you the 3 reasons why you are never too old to recover from narcissistic abuse, and in doing so, I want to share with you 3 real-life Thriver stories that I hope from the bottom of my heart will inspire you.
Number 1 – You Don’t Need To Learn How To Thrive
Our first “ageless” truth is that your healing is NOT about learning to Thrive; rather, it is about UN-learning how not to.
Let me introduce to you Dot, one of our most senior Thrivers. When I met Dot, she was in her late 70’s. Let’s jump straight into her background – Dot as a child, was the scapegoat of a narcissistic parent, and her only love relationships were four narcissistic relationships (three marriages and one de facto/common law marriage).
Dot had never experienced healthy relationships and had only ever known narcissistic abuse. She started healing with my NARP Program while still with her third husband.
As Dot freed herself from the beliefs and traumas of, “If I don’t please and fix you, you will hurt me and won’t love me”, she took her power back, detached from him, got legal pro bono help to file for divorce and initiate the sale of their home. Every time he tried to hook her back in with threats, love bombing, or guilt, she kept shifting out her triggers and stayed on course.
The house sold, he capitulated and gave her a more than fair settlement (yes! It often happens in our community of Thrivers!), and then she moved out into a retirement village unit and stayed committed to her healings.
Dot met a gentleman in her retirement village 10 years her junior, and they fell in love. This time her relationship was completely different in several ways.
Dot no longer pandered to people since she had healed that old way of being. She had started learning piano and was writing a book when she met him. She was already feeling more “herself” than she ever had. This man “saw” her because Dot was a “self” now, rather than just trying to be what she thought everyone else wanted her to be.
This man was kind, generous and adored Dot as much as she was honouring and healing her own Inner Being.
Dot reported she now experienced real, kind, supportive love. She knew how to speak up, ask for help and loved being in an authentic relationship. This came naturally for her because she was free of traumas that had previously blocked her from true power.
Dot didn’t need to learn how to be “herself”. Rather she needed to let go of the childhood traumas and programs that were not allowing her to be her True Self.
Number 2 – It Doesn’t Matter What You Have Lost
Our second “ageless” truth is the compensation that comes on all levels when you honour the value of your Soul.
Another lovely lady, who I will call Leslie (to protect her identity), had been married to an extremely powerful and wealthy narcissist since her late teens. She was in her 60s and traumatised beyond measure. His addictions, debauchery, illicit dealings, and abuse worsened the older he got. Leslie was now being physically, as well as mentally and emotionally abused.
Leslie had never had the chance to work, as her partner had connections to influential people and had warned her that if she left, she would be left with nothing, and her life could be in danger.
Whilst he was out of the house (often), Leslie worked the NARP Modules continuously to release herself from his trap and terrorism. One day she got the courage to leave the house and see a domestic violence support person. Soon after that, she escaped to a woman’s shelter with nothing but a suitcase.
In the shelter, she continued working on herself and healing. She did not want to try to combat him in court; she was just fighting for her freedom and sanity, having decided to determinedly put her Soul first. She let go of the need for the mansion, fancy cars and all that went with her previous life. As the fear of her husband melted away, he moved one of his mistresses into the house and lost interest in harassing her.
A friend of hers, whom she hadn’t heard from for years, contacted her. This friend lived in the countryside and offered her to stay in a cabin next to her art gallery in exchange for working in it.
Leslie accepted and loved working in the art gallery. She connected with the community, made friends, and started creating sculptures and designs. They were selling! Leslie reported feeling the happiest and most content she could ever remember with her authentic and much more minimal new life.
One day a man came into the art gallery, and they connected. They are both loved the community, share the same interests and their values and heartfelt desires to be good aligned – caring about God, each other and their community,
Leslie’s actual life and love unfolded because of letting go of False Values and chose the truth of her Soul as the REAL and Only Value.
Number 3 – Your Soul Knows No Limits
The third ageless truth is that we are limitless. As humans, we believe there are limits, lacks and “reasons why things can’t happen.” Our Soul, however, only deals with energetic realities – “you get what you are Being” regardless of the conditions (including age).
Lucy had been an entertainer and artist nearly all her life. She had lived without limits, loud and proud, always the eternal optimist, until one day, she woke up in her 80s and hit a brick wall.
Her money was gone; the last parasitical narcissistic friend had bled her dry.
She looked in the mirror, feeling that her previously glamorous image was now old and worn.
Lucy felt alone, desperately alone. She had loved all the wrong men and was terrified of dying alone after never being truly loved.
“I’ve got nothing to offer any more,” she said. “All the good ones are gone. Who would want me anyway?” Lucy had been following my work for some time, and she had told herself, “It’s going to take me too long to heal. I don’t have time left to heal,” so she continued living even as things worsened. Narcissists were still all around her, and the pain of loneliness and lack of true love was crippling despair.
When Lucy started healing with NARP, she immediately started shifting out the horrible traumas: “I’ve lost my looks, money, appeal, and who would want me.” And, “People use me for my energy, love and money”, as well as, “Real and good people (and men) don’t exist.”
As well as the previously mentioned biggie, “I don’t want to die alone.”
As Lucy shifted and shifted out her traumas, filled with The Light of Source, she started to embody the knowingness that “everything is in perfect order as it is now.”
Her pain and fear melted away. For the first time in her life, she felt inner peace.
The Higher Self Truth is unconditional love, and we can attain our Highest potential and probabilities regardless of age, circumstances, or other conditions.
Lucy’s fears and limiting beliefs melted away. She was offered an excellent performance contract. She was getting better and doing better; she no longer gave herself and money away to superficial people to try to be loved.
Lucy now loves and respects herself; she let go of the narcissists and started meeting much higher vibrational people. Her joy for life brought a more aware and conscious circle of friends. Within this friendship circle, she met a quiet, articulate, kind widower who was nothing like her usual type.
Her outgoingness complimented his reserved manner. He adored her spunk, and she loved his measure. A beautiful relationship formed, and she found true love.
This Soul Mate union happened because Lucy mated her own Soul first. Lucy’s personality was 85 years of age at the time, and her Soul was and always will be ageless.
Thank goodness she released the limitations and let her Soul, the real her, take charge.
Conclusion
As the Soul you are, in this human encasement, your True Self and Life are waiting patiently for you to get your traumas out of the way.
Today’s article has granted you a deeper understanding of how true this is and gives you real hope.
If you are ready, regardless of your age, to come home to you, it would be my absolute joy to help you. The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) is my highest suggestion.
I’m looking forward, as always, to reading and answering your comments and questions below.
Love your work, Mel
Thank you John!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I believe that there are groups of discarded supply like myself, after my ex decided no one else would want me. I too have had a series of physical ailments and am currently recovering alone from a hip replacement. My surviving family have decided to take his side regarding the reasons for the divorce from our 41-year relationship. At 68, the internet is a dangerous game for both males and females.
I was also the escape goat in a narcissistic household during my childhood. I use individual and group therapy to sustain me from week to week.
Hi Mel:
I am just getting familiar with your work in the past week or so. First I am 77 yr old male. My situation was I grew up with a single mom and one older brother. My dad left the family when I was probably 3-4 yrs old. He attempted to spend time with us boys for probably about 2 yrs. I found out from him as a adult of 25 that he backed off as apparently my mom made him trying to see us hell, and at some point decided to back off as he did not want us kids to remember all the turmoil she created. When he told me this ~ I KNEW IT WAS THE TRUTH! AFTER ALL I GREW UP WITH HER. She was a narcissist, and my brother was raised to be one too! I did not as I was like the male version of Cinderella. I looked like my father and my brother looked like her side of the family, Apparently she thought he got all the good blood and I got all the bad! She on extremely rare occasional was nice to me, but basically I was put down, was negatively compared to my brother, By the time I graduated from university I was completely convinced I was stupid (in spite of the degree), ugly, and incompetant. I was going to get drafted in 1967 when I graduated from Ohio state so I enlisted in the Air Force. I knew the night before I entered the AF thatI would never live in Cols, Ohio again! I never did! She never gave an encouraging word, and my brother, the narc loved to put me down when we were alone never when anyone could hear it! By the way the USAF trined me in Russian also not somthing foe the stupid ,but I till believed my mom! She was always angry at me because I did not come home ~where I belonged. The insults and put downs continued until she died at 98 in 2000! my dad and stepmom were always supportive and encouraging! I still FEEL ugly, incompetent and stupid, even though i know i am not any of those! How sad, huh? I was a successful Vocational Rehabiliation Counselor for 32 yrs and without a masters degree, I was still the best counselor in the office. The secretaries I found out years later always gave me the toughest clients, because they knew I would give them every opportunity to succeed, and I cared about my clients! Other agencies sought me out for advice not my lame supervisor or the other self centered counselors 4 of them. One of my high school students from the mid 70s is now the director of that agency for the state! My brother has not talked to me for over 10 years ~ it’s a huge blessing, need I even have to say that? My former sister in law has been more of a sister to me, than my brother has been a brother! . I told my former high school student, the director of my old agency why I became the kind of counselor I did. I said I am telling you this not for sympathy but because I wanted you to know I wanted to be the opposite of my family!
So in a nutshell that is my sitation. It is only in the past few years I have been able to step out of myself and see I had TWO NARCISSISTS IN MY FAMILY OF THREE! I AM LUCKY TO BE ALIVE AND SOMEWHAT SANE I THINK! Though I still have damage from those first 23 yrs of life. I never married as i just don’t trust women for a relationship. My greatest regret is I did not get to be a father, I think I would have loved being a dad!
Jerry
j3
Dear Jerry, oh, how well I know this trap of parental narcissism. And the sadness, to have too late found out about one’s own wishes. .. Yet, if your health allows it, you might find little Dads-paths all around, by supporting in free work children – be it as a reader to them, or alike – many institutions look for people with free time, and wanting to support and spent time with children. If your health allows it, it’s a lovely way, to plunge into their lovely vital energy and help strengthen them.:) (Btw, I heard even psychoanalysts tell that their narcisstic parent continued the trip till last breath, ignoring all offers to heal or relax the need for submission:/) Dan Shaw wrote an excellent book on working with patients trying to recover : „Traumatizing Narcissm“ , aged kids of, parents who especially needed and induced their total submission up to internal full self annihilation – wishes get lost, etc.. But, there are ways out, as you show too – and even a kids dad world can bloom late:) (Melissa Sweet: The Life and works of E.B.White – who wouldn’t love reading and seeing it, 10,30, 60,80;)
John,
Thanks for sharing this information. It is so difficult when you grow up with a family of narcissists and you are continually told how you “don’t measure up”. My heart goes out to you! I am glad that you found Narp. This is indeed a great gift, to be able to come home to yourself. Wishing you all the best.
great piece of work again Mel !!! Thank you.I was 60 when I met and married the love of my life and soul mate.I can certainly say that age is not a barrier to finding true love.I love your comparison of the ageless soul to the physical body /mind.That put things in perspective really well.
Thank you Shelly,
I love that you broke through in love!
Many blessings to you both!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
– Dear Mel. What if health is so devastated, severe postviral ME/CFS since decades and now in 2nd major crash unable to walk more then 10 sloooow steps in a row on a good day, Brainfog etcetc., that dependency to toxic caregiver parent can’t be stopped?
( It feels like a horrible trap, being just 60, and not even working on book projects is possible. How to work with a health that doesn’t allow „action/s“ like moving or new kind of jobs etc. –
Hi Rose,
I would love to try my free 2 part masterclass and the Quanta Freedom Healing that is in it – as well as soak up the full detailed explanations about “how” and “why” healing is possible – as a result of addressing inner trauma.
You can do that here http://www.recoverhealthrive.com
I hope that this can help and much love to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Rose,
I can relate to you healthwise. I am 59 and have had ME for 14 years now. Just last year had my second major crash and am now reliant on wheelchair because I can bearely walk. Thank god I am on disability and in my own place. I hope you can find a way to be more independent! I love Melanies work. It has helped me a lot. Narcissist will try to push your boundaries all the time ! That will worsen your ME! That is what caused my second crash!
Dear Melanie,
Thank you for this article and all the posts that you are making and putting out for us! I am so grateful! They are helping me and continue to help me grow as a human being! From what I understand, referring to this article, that kind of growth that I feel is taking place has no age constrictions or limits nor is confined to a time frame! ❤️🦋❤️
Hi Peter,
this is so so true.
Source has no limits …
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Well, I have to make a comment on Toxic,and narcissist abuse
Tis easy to be positive when you are fit and healthy,about a future life.
Melanie,you were young enough,and healthy enough to start a new life
If you havent “walked” in the shoes of these dear folk with health issues,Id almost say you are not qualified to ” comment” how these people of 60- 90 yrs cope with such debilitating,conflict to find out they have been duped the best part of their life.
Am aware you are encouraging ,..But maybe there is much more NEED to discuss and deal with the types of bracket,where little is encouraged,up until recently of this type of devastation faced…to find tlife is nearly over!!!
HOW do folk deal with this TYPE of confrontation!!!…….. With a great deal of difficulty……..
Would like to hear your answers??
Dear Fay
I very much liked your comment! For me it is not so much the age factor, I am no longer young, but the physical debilities that I face every single day certainly make it much more difficult for me to even imagine having another relationship after spending decades with a narcissistic abuser….
I try to imagine that possibility and then I stop because I don’t think it would ever happen… at this point I am concerned with my own rehabilitation and my ability to make the continued necessary efforts to develop myself spiritually and the fact that I’ve been alone for a long time now I am not content with but I’m
accepting of my reality.
I am very grateful for NARP and thankful that the practice of NARP is available for me to use every single day of my life and that’s far more important than imagining or wishing for or trying to create another relationship with another marital partner or whatever…
If that happens I will be grateful and I know for certain that I will be able to manage anything like that much better than I was able to manage the nightmare that I lived with with a narcissist!
Hi Fay,
I had a mental and adrenal breakdown which I was told would need 3 antipsychotics for the rest of my life to function and could never be healed.
I was 80 pounds, shook, sweated and had constant psychotic episodes, couldnt sleep or eat or function – at all.
If it wasnt for Qunata Freedom Healing I would not have survived. I had tried everything else prior and I was losing the fight to live.
Fay there are people in this community who are in their 80s who lost everything, and had severe health conditions, who now are living their best lives. There are also people who were institutionalized who have used Quanta Freedom Healing (NARP) to recover and rebuild their lives. As well as people who were told to make end-of-life plans (some of my staff included).
This is why I sing it from the rooftops. We have emails and messages sent in to my support team every day saying how this saved their life.
If it is not for you to try, then that is fine, that is your choice.
That is my answer.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Fay. Thanks for posting as you have articulated the core of the trauma for those of us who are facing the very real and painful realisation that we were duped/conned/denied the best parts of our life/peak energy.
I am so fed up of the downplaying of the real effects. Our physical bodies have a finite lifespan and even with excellent self care there can be real limitations.
Mel, I admire and respect your work. Thank u for all you do. I understand the importance of a positive mindset and believe we have power to create our own reality.
Getting into a higher vibrational state when you are literally broken inside i.e. your operating system is dysfunctional or maybe even severely or perm impaired can feel like a quantum leap too far.
ll the hope on a rope makes me gag.
Lets get
Hi Georgie,
I agree it is a Quantum Leap – and usually impossible without a tool to release the significant and crippling inner trauma that occurs as a result of interpersonal abuse.
That is what Quanta Freedom Healing is, and why it is a game-changer.
Georgie I would love you to come into my free 2-part masterclass to learn about and experience it. http://www.recoverhealthrive.com
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Dear Melanie,
Your articles, posts and mainly your book is all that is keeping me hanging on right now. I am 46 and I have lost everything to my narcissistic ex. Although I escaped the relationship, we work in the same company so no contact has been difficult. At Christmas time he assaulted me sexually and I am now in the middle of a harassment suit against him. It has been extremely triggering to relive and go over the last 6 years of pure torture that was my life. I am now on anxiety medication and blood pressure pills. I find it hard to sleep and eat and have had to take some time off work. I am obsessively replaying my suicide attempt and how he left me for dead after making sure I erased any messages in my phone so the police wouldn’t hold him responsible when they found me. Obviously my attempt was unsuccessful, but there are still some days I wish to God it had worked. I just want this nightmare to be over so I can have my life back. So very thankful to have found this program.
Hi Emma,
I am so sorry that you have been through so much.
Are you working with NARP and getting the deep inner shifts to free you from internal trauma? http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
If so, please come into the NARP Member’s forum where we can help you so much more http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
Sending you healing and breakthroughs
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I am still relatively young, attractive, and healthy. But I have spent years- a whole decade, building up my career. All to have it smashed by the narcissist. I have several narcissists trying to be in my life. Unfortunately, one of the more persistent narcissists, is a previous boss from work. I was recently offered a job, which looks good on paper. However, I am getting BAD VIBES about it. The contract is awful- giving me basically no rights to do anything. I can not sign it. Mind you, this is not a job with those awful previous bosses. No. But, those previous bosses have connections and may know the people at the new job in which I was just offered a contract.
Being in love with another person, is the last thing on my mind right now. Yes, I have men “hit” on me and ask me for dates etc, but I have no desire right now. My issues fall more in the work arena and the survival mechanism. Like, is it too late to start over with a brand new career? What about all the work I put into my previous career? Will another boss become obsessed with me? anyways- feeling like I need to do another healing….wishing everyone strength in their healing… and maybe another thing to consider… some people would love to just be left alone for awhile (no prospects in sight). I don’t think it is the worst thing in the world that you don’t have a love prospect. It gives one time to focus on themselves and love themselves.
Dear Peter
Twice I have replied to your greatful comment
Twive it has been rejected !!……mmmmmh guess this one will fly through 🙄
Just as I expected !! Power of the mind Haha!!
I will try one more time Peter. Technology can be just as cranky as the narc experience👍🙊
My message to you was I totally relate to your comments,( this will not be as exact as the last) …but here goes….
If a healthy relationship loomed in ones path,am sure it woul not be rejected ..
As time goes by opportunities are limited….
My understaning was Melonie was providing “hope” for such examples .
I do say thank you to Mel for that🌹……All the very best Peter…Tis very cathartic to air and share …
Thank you so very much Fay!
Your efforts show me that you have the heart of a true warrior! it’s so good to see and feel that! Sometimes electronic things seem to impede what we’re trying to do.. also spellchecking which is such a pain in the you know what! . you showed me something about persistence! and that you had an aim and that you did it! Said with such kindness and good thought! 😌
As we say in Yiddish, “mazel tov”!
It’s always so good to read your comments and different things that you mention to us! Thank you for being here!
Dear Molly
Here I go again. Yes being young ,healthy and attractive and smart ALL makes for a better life . After narc trauma,one losses that
I was exactly that too.
Time!!! Energy ,and desire for relational issues just GO, big time,….but perhaps not completely.
We all want to live in hope !!……concentrating on self,growth,awareness is the order of the day for sure. Like Peter,we want to live as best as possible, but very wary of any connection..
All the best young Molly.Hey! We are all young at heart ,
God bless you
Fay,
Yes. I understand what you are saying. I don’t feel as young, healthy, and all the other great attributes as I did before the narcissist abuse. But I guess I am saying, I am down, but not out. I’m not so old and broken down that I could never imagine reclaiming my birthright- of love, abundance, happiness, etc etc… And yes, I agree, a part of me is still open for relationships and connection. I guess since I am deep into the healing part right now, healing is my focus. And when I am 95 I still want to be beautiful and vibrant. I hear what Mel is saying. Age is not the real measure of whether you are ALIVE. you could be 20 and dead. or 102 and alive and well! Yes, we are all young at heart Faye. Take care
Molly
Your statement ,tickled my fancy,especially the last bit!!?…..so very true..🌹
How often do we connect with deadpan individuls who Just do NOT show signs of any desire to enhance themselves and others.!!…..but do their best( n good at it) to drain your energy!…..This I avoid at ALL cost!!🙃
Am so happy to read comments of people of other dear folk,who have been through
the Mill but fight back with dignity and come out on top, .This shows Strength of heart and Soul.
Stay vibrant thrivers,?..Lets soldier on with Love xx
Hello Mel, i have just come across your
work and it really interests me. I am nearly 70 and just been dumped by a sociopath or narcissist after a 43 year marriage. (yes I know its never too late for love but i am now too scared” ) I was the younger sister of a troubled brother ( narcissust) to whom i have been great fodder until I cut him off. Family: My father – complex, creative and self absorbed competed with his children for my mother’s attention. . My mother bright but controlled by being put on a pedestal. . My husband took up the role of a conflict addicted sociopath and extremely clever narcissist after i cut off from my siblings. My divorce after 43 years of a team work but loveless marriage was cruel and highly destructive. My survival is tenuous.
My issue is this: i know my character and social personality is the result of being tooled by subtle and clever narcisism. I am now very protective of my sanity ( whats left) and mindfully avknowledge what good is in my very small world. I feel i have become a recluse with a leaching victim mentality. damn it !! My question is this – before the healing. Before the learning of self worth, nurturing etc – how in hell does one deal with the destructive but governing cynical belief system that has grown from the life experience of being a magnet for narcisistic personalities ? Please don’t disclose my full name.
Hi Shelley,
Welcome to our wonderful community!
When you heal the Quantum Way the trauma in your body dissolves and you return home to “source” which means you are “not” that person carrying those beliefs.
Until you start doing the work you won’t feel it dissolve away, and it’s impossible to conceptualise logically.
Have you come into my free 2-part masterclass http://www.recoverhealthrive.com to experience a Quanta Freedom Healing and learn about these healing processes?
That’s the way to discover (and sample) more about this – it needs to be an experience you have to understand (embody) it.
I hope that this helps
Mel 🙏💞🦋