Melanie Tonia Evans

What Happens When Narcissists Get Old?

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 54
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

An elderly narcissist without narcissistic supply can be very difficult to be around.

Maybe you are wondering if they will mellow with age or whether you are finally going to see Karma make amends for all the horrible things they have done to you.

What is the fate of an ageing narcissist?

Wanting to know this is normal and TOTALLY understandable!

In today’s Thriver TV episode, I am excited to share with you the TRUTH about what is going on with narcissists as they age.

 

 

Video Transcript

People ask this question a lot.

They want to know…

‘Does their behaviour improve?’

‘Do they mellow or do they get worse?’

‘What is their fate as they age?’

These are all such great questions, and in today’s TTV episode I’m really looking forward to answering them for you.

But before I do, I want to thank each and everyone who has subscribed to my channel for supporting the Thriver Mission. If you haven’t yet subscribed, please do so. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.

Alright, let’s get started.

 

Unconsciousness Creates Big Cracks

This is what I believe about living unconsciously – lack of integration and peace with Self will show up in one’s life.

We know narcissists shove and plunder their way through life in conscienceless ways, taking by charm or force or manipulation other people’s energies and resources to feed their insatiable False Selves.

On the surface it may seem like they are having a wonderful time – prospering even.

But are they really?

I used to believe that the ex-narcissist in my life had it all, much of it at my expense, and was even thriving, whilst my life was stripped bare, with no hope of recovery.

Now I know what a grand illusion that was.

Because, after my own soul recovery and self-partnering to come home to me, I now know how agonising it is to be disconnected from Self and not being integrated and at peace.

And this is regardless of what stuff, results and successes are achieved.

For the narcissist – stuff and people are ‘things’, mere commodities, that are only attempts at self-medicating away the pain that is the narcissist’s constant inner trauma. But no achievements, people or things can ever resolve this trauma.

I love what George Carlin said, which supports this idea: ‘Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.’

This is the thing – the narcissist is always hungry and never satisfied. Their actions are the urges of a disordered egoic self that is insecure, empty and self-loathing. It is the ‘always trying to seek salvation’ from outside of self, rather than self-partnering and healing oneself back to inner wholeness.

It is a never-ending, fruitless hamster wheel with no way off, that they are on.

The narcissist has crossed the line into being out of alignment with inner authenticity.

He or she lies, schemes and has agendas. And every time the narcissist is not operating from a place of inner and solid truthfulness, he or she is damaging the integrity of their inner being even more.

The narcissistic personality grows in intensity, and as it grows so does the need for more lies and falsities, to cover a fictitious life.

The damage of a life lived out of integrity means that there is always another responsibility to avoid, bullet to dodge, scheme to hatch, and another source to groom because of the inevitable destruction of the current one.

 

Losing the Ability to Get Narcissistic Supply

Mining the acclaim, notoriety, attention, and energy from others, to buffer the narcissist’s empty inner self with significance, takes a lot of effort.

This is a delicate balancing act for a narcissist.

As a hugely insecure person, who requires a BIG feed of narcissistic supply to escape the inner torment of feeling unworthy, empty and insignificant, narcissists need to be effective when it comes to the amount of energy expended for the harvest reaped.

As narcissists get older, they start losing charm, energy and ways to get narcissistic supply.

When the glory days start fading into the background, and they lose their ability to garnish supply, narcissists traditionally take it out on the people who are still attached.

In relation to ageing narcissists, this could be their spouse or a child, who they have groomed to dump their anger on and have made responsible for their needs and abuse.

If this is your plight – I’d really love you to watch my video ‘How To Handle an Elderly Narcissist’ so that you can understand how to take your power back and heal from being abused in this way.

 

An Elderly Narcissist Without Narcissistic Supply

This really is the same as a sick narcissist who can’t get narcissistic supply. When they run low or empty, without their primary drug of choice – the attention and significance that self-medicates away the inner pain of being themselves – narcissists can become totally delusional, manic, unreasonable, abusive and, quite frankly, may go insane.

Their mask may drop completely, leaving their disorder front and centre for all to see.

He or she may throw all caution to the wind and attempt frenetically, and even pathetically, to try to get narcissistic supply.

It is a shock when you see an elderly narcissist unravel in this way, and become a shadow of their former fictitious self. And it is when they age that the truth always, eventually, comes out.

I believe we die as we live. A life authentically lived, shows the successful results even in declining years. Whereas a life lived as a False Self, ends up where it was always going to go – a fall from grace that never was real in the first place.

 

As Narcissists Age Does Karma Pay Them Back?

The answer to this question is ‘yes’. However, despite any acquisition or outer appearances, it is important to know that the narcissist’s karma – the intense emotional disintegration and pain from living a life out of alignment with self, life and others, is ever present.

One’s soul is not durably happy as a result of ‘getting’. Every soul can only reach wholeness as a result of ‘being’. The state of the inner beingness of a narcissist is disastrous; their emotions being ever reliant on the precariousness of obtaining narcissistic supply, are damaged and unstable.

As narcissists age, their out-of-alignment disintegration often extends to health issues as well as emotional and mental delusions. It’s also common for them to have financial disasters, as they lose the ability to hold up the house of cards that their life really was. Family and friends often turn away from them in droves – especially as the mask falls.

I can’t tell you how many times I have heard exactly those reports.

Let me just share this true-life story that encapsulates all of this.

A friend of mine had a narcissistic father who was a high roller – throughout his life he owned Sunshine Coast penthouses, fancy cars and married several, much younger, women.

As an old man in his 80’s, he married a young Asian lady. This lady got him to build her a home overseas and then divorced him. She kept the lot.

He returned to Australia with Parkinson’s Disease and dementia, and was under surveillance in the nursing home because of his inappropriate, and often nasty, behaviour toward staff and other patients.

His phone was confiscated because he constantly went on dating and gambling apps.

This narcissistic man ended up with nothing but humiliation, shame, and failure, and his family only visiting him when it was absolutely necessary.

If you know of an ageing narcissist who has fallen from grace, please pause this video and share the information below.

 

Bringing Our Focus Back to Healing Ourselves Rather Than Focusing on Narcissists

Of course, I understand why you are asking this question about ageing narcissists.

Maybe you have an elderly narcissist in your life, who is driving you crazy.

Or possibly you have been hurt so much by a narcissist in your life, you are wondering how their life will turn out – and dearly hope it won’t be good.

But I really want to invite you to take your focus off the narcissist and firmly on healing yourself. And I’m asking you to do this so that you will not only break free from the terrible affliction of narcissistic abuse, and enter the trajectory of your True Self and True Life, but also so that your life will in no way be conditional on what does or doesn’t happen to the narcissist as he or she ages.

Truly he or she is in emotional hell every second of every day – there is nothing to envy here!

I know that you may be feeling like you too are in a total emotional hurricane, with no way out, and that your life could be horrific, on many levels, as you age. I promise you this doesn’t have to be your reality at all.

Unlike the narcissist, who is not going to turn inwards and start generating his or her only REAL emancipation and healing from emotional trauma, which is achieved regularly in this Community by doing the Quantum Inner Work – you can.

And once you do this, you truly won’t care less about what does or doesn’t happen to the narcissist. You will know that your highest mission is always about honouring your inner being and health.

When you get that part of it right, I promise you that you will no longer be shackled by the guilt, obligation, and pain that may have been allowing a narcissist to suck you dry.

It’s then that your True Self and True Life can begin – no matter what age you are or what you have lost as a result of narcissistic abuse.

To help you truly understand what I’m saying I want to share this resource, which I’d love you to watch: What To Do If You Feel Like You’re Too Old To Recover From Abuse.

 

Okay, so if it is time to heal, to let go of wondering and claim your resurrection freedom and joy – come join me.

Because I will show you how in time frames and ways that you did not even know were possible. To do this, simply click on this link. 

I so hope this video has helped.

And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

As always I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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92 Thoughts on What Happens When Narcissists Get Old?
  • heinz@columbiawireless.ca'
    Heinz
    August 13, 2019

    Thank you so much, Melanie, for this enlightening episode. I can see this all: The life of a narcissist is pure hell, no matter what he is achieving.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 13, 2019

      Hi Heinz,

      It’s my pleasure and I’m so pleased this has helped.

      Cheers and much love

      Mel 🙏💞💛

      • monzonp7@gmail.com'
        Patricia Monzon
        August 13, 2019

        Thank you Melanie.
        Yes, my husband, who claims he’s no longer my husband, but won’t settle in divorce, is nearly 60. This article makes so much sense. It becomes exhausting dealing with the antics of temper tantrums when our adult children don’t do what he wants. I’ve given up trying to cover the insults and the excuse making for his behavior.
        They just say.. Dad has changed. In my head I think.. No he hasn’t.. You just see the real him.
        It’s heart breaking but reality. I just tell them to show respect for their integrity.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          August 14, 2019

          Hi Patricia,

          honour you sweetheart and allow what is the truth to just unravel.

          People can handle the truth – even your children. And whoever he is will not affect your love for them or theirs for you.

          Much Love

          Mel 🙏💞💛

        • eversonmusic@gmail.com'
          Cindy
          August 18, 2019

          At 55 I just went “no contact” with my aging father. Your articles have been the key in me understanding him and what I need for myself and husband. I am beginning to give myself a break and mustering the courage to move forward. Thank you so much
          C

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            August 19, 2019

            Hi Cindy,

            I’m so pleased you have more clarity and strength now.

            Blessings to you and your husband

            Mel 🙏💞💛

        • myoungermillar@gmail.com'
          Martha Younger
          October 27, 2019

          Patricia,

          I am facing the same situation with my “husband” he is an alcoholic and I never really thought of him as a narcissist. His temper tantrums, inexplicable behaviour, and cruelty have been difficult to cope with. I tried to get him to leave but he wouldn’t. At the end to escape I had to sell our family home, which was also where my business was run out of. I lost my home, family, and business but I did find freedom and my adult children and I are slowly picking up the pieces. Hopefully, we can become a family again without being ruled by his behaviour. I was told he was suffering from ARD – alcohol-related dementia but the stories above sound like he fits the profile of the aging narcissist. I am told all addicts are narcissists. I am not sure if I believe that but an aging addict is a very unpleasant person to have in your life.

      • hunnydilworth89@gmail.com'
        Denise Taylor
        August 15, 2019

        Hi Melanie
        I have a problem with doing even the smallest things. I barely make it to work. I have to fight for my babies that are still with the N but I am stuck for so long I don’t know how to escape my own cage! I need help I have nothing and nobody only this platform which I use but i don’t get very far because it’s hard to do most things! I know you are a busy lady but I have no idea what else to do! I’m german and stuck in the USA!

    • elisheva.lier@icloud.com'
      Elisabeth
      August 13, 2019

      Thank you, Melanie, for these thoughts. My narcissistic spouse is getting to old age and with that, he is loosing more and more of his former friends. He has told some of his suicidal thoughts, but when I speak of selling our place (which is in both of our names, but which I am paying off), he gets heart palpitations and gets completely distraught (so my brother-in-law informs me, whom my spouse often seeks out for company). I have disengaged from him totally and look forward to being out of his zone, but my financial situation does not allow me to (I am 63, still working, and he is on pension). Not sure how to deal with this situation.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        August 14, 2019

        Hi Elisabeth,

        Truly I believe we have to live true to ourslves, and do what we need for our won inner souls to be free.

        Then all of life will support us.

        By thinking we are responsible for others, or carrying guilt or obligation, not only do we enable these people to not take responsibility for their own lives, we destroy our own soul in the process.

        My greatest suggestion to you is let go of the obligation and do what you know is right by your soul.

        Sell the place, break ties, and break free.

        People say they can’t afford to – as far as I am concerned at any age, we can’t afford NOT to.

        Mel 🙏💞💛

        • elisheva.lier@icloud.com'
          Elisabeth
          August 16, 2019

          Thank you, Mel! Always appreciate your sound advice. Love your blogs, and I am sharing them regularly with other people who are in Narcissistic relationships around me.

          Be blessed
          Elisabeth

    • Polcarigloria@gmail.com'
      Gloria Polcari
      August 13, 2019

      My ex husband is a criminal lawyer lies continually alcoholic abusive and very manipulative. He uses his profession to threaten me and my children. He scratched himself and had me arrested….for 6months…I was removed from the family home. I thought I would go crazy.We have 4 children…we were married for 20years.I was so confused I just couldn’t grasp what was happening. I got help from my family friends and got a great lawyer.Robert’s rage became crazy….he sabotaged himself.
      This happen a year and a half ago…I was to find out Robert’s intention was to make me look crazy so not to divide our assets. He had been seeing a young 25 year old woman (Robert is 56) who slept in my bed while we were married for 3 years….gave her my jewelry…and took her on vacation. He hid most of his assets under his parent’s name.
      Our children live happily with me….I struggle with the way he lies and invents stories and people just don’t see his lies.How he continues to harm us…Robert gets support from his aging narrcistic father ….I understand now he must be his father’s supply…Robert’s mother is a puppet she has no character.His father has no friends is obnoxious cruel and vindictive…I am so glad my children and I have a chance for a new life.
      Thank you for doing what you do…I am so grateful.

      • iabanks@sky.com'
        Isobel
        August 14, 2019

        Gloria, I hear you. You are not alone. This is very real. I’m so glad none of us are alone in this any more, even if it is via a supportive forum. Best of luck, and best wishes.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        August 14, 2019

        Hi Gloria,

        I am so sorry you and your children have been going through all of this, My heart goes out to you.

        Keep healing, empowering you and being solid and clear and calm with making the choices that are your truth and you will breakthrough.

        Much love to you and yours.

        Also, I highly suggest coming into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to learn more about how to really align with your power regarding all of this.

        Mel 🙏💞💛

    • Rkdawg45@gmail.com'
      Diane
      August 18, 2019

      And of course I am involved with a narc again of 9 years and trying to break free. Insane how many of his words and actions are a carbon copy of the ex monster in law.
      I am learning oh so much however and will beat him at his own game.

    • jtmccraw@live.ca'
      Joy Thorsteinson McCraw
      October 5, 2019

      OMGOSH MEL!! LIKE BAMM!!!!!
      NAILED IT!!! my narc is only 53 but been with him since he was his charming self at 25 and yes I see him reduced to a man brought up on sexual abuse charges, may go to jail lose his job he was so jealous of my bestie Davina and me even said we were lovers so many times but that he sexually assaulted Davinas 24 year old married daughter on Mothers day and on and on YES it catches up Mel!!

  • Ginar387@gmail.com'
    Mary
    August 13, 2019

    Yes, But he is an aged healthy male senior has amassed wealth from from his three previous wives. He can buy an expensive car, an expensive bike , while I exist on $250/month. I am grateful for my health- but being driven around in a nice car; one can then dress nice.(instead of public transit) But I always thought his quick change of mood was due to fatigue. /because he would always drive slowly. Maybe I am wrong, buy if he hated me so much,maybe he smoked some cannabis before seeing me; which would eventually wear off…but he is gone now, so maybe he was not a narc.He wears a black toupee now, and bought new teeth;…and the nightmares are slowly coming to an end. Some say to run and never look back ;but running takes money,and at my senior years, found it taxing on my health. So I returned back to this medium sized town; very dependant Psalm 23:1 “The Lord’s My shepherd,I shall not want…The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing” (Psalm 23:1, NIV). Another translation says, “The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want” (ESV).and focus on what I have;than what I thought I need.
    Thank You,

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 13, 2019

      Hi Mary,

      This I really believe for all of us, at any age … if we are reliant because we are on someone else’s payroll, whether that be for money, experiences or privileges they can control us and even hurt us.

      I personally believe the authenticity and peace of our own souls is far more priceless.

      Sending you love and freedom

      Mel 🙏💞💛

  • robynem@bigpond.net.au'
    Robyne McKay
    August 13, 2019

    So interesting Mel, I can totally see my ex N husband in the scenario of the elderly man you mentioned here. Is it wrong to be happy thinking he will get his come uppance? I had the misfortune of having to speak to him today and always the lack of support and selfishness is mind numbing… I’m taking that to a module although I must say each time I experience this with the N ex it resolves me even to get away and cut the ties for good.
    Thanks as always for everything and all your hard work xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 13, 2019

      Hi Robyne,

      I dont believe ‘right or ‘wrong’ is even relevant. What is relevant is what does or doesn’t serve you in relation to what you wish to personally experience?

      You want what we all want, freedom, love, joy, expansion and success.

      These things dont have the space to flow in unless you have detoxed your negative emotional detachments to, or desired conditional requirements, of others.

      At the deepest Quantum level, there is only One Being … you … having a holographic experience with all parts of you including those representing others.

      Hoping for one’s demise, though normal and totally understandable, means your Inner Being, the God Within, will direct more of who you are choosing to be Being, as energy back at you.

      I hope this all makes sense and please know how welcome you are.

      Much love to you

      Mel 🙏💞💛

      • robynem@bigpond.net.au'
        Robyne Mckay
        August 13, 2019

        Thank you humbly Melanie. Love that perspective

      • jsgilneas@gmail.com'
        Marg
        August 16, 2019

        Thank you, Melanie. I’m dealing with my husband. He’s 70 now and has been in hospital for nine weeks. I’ve stayed with him out of a sense of duty – he had a haemorrhagic stroke after an extreme bout of anger. Because he used it as an excuse to do nothing, his health and mobility has rapidly gone downhill. He has dementia, he can barely walk, has tremors and seizures. He’s doubly incontinent. The hospital staff don’t like him. He ‘manufactures’ illness to stop me doing things for myself.

        I feel more trapped by duty than ever.

        My time alone has been amazing, a real blessing. It’s about to come to an end because the hospital want to send him home. At the moment they can’t because he’s constantly falling and is doubly incontinent. If he carries on they’ll start looking for a care home but I guarantee that after all the arrangements are made, he will magically get better.

        I don’t know what to do.

    • inpellerano@yahoo.com'
      Iris
      August 13, 2019

      hi Robyne,

      Yes, I think it IS wrong to want to see ‘payback’ in the case of ‘our’ Narcs because we have to realize that they really came to bless you and force an up level of our life.

      Initially, revenge seems necessary for some kind of closure.

      But, after Narc recovery , there’s only room for profound gratitude and an inner sense on-going appreciation for having been given the opportunity to see life and relationships from such a deep place as the Narcs drove us to.

      To feel a desire for revenge or gladness for their terrors increasing with age, is like believing that they have a debt to us instead of knowing that they gave us so much more than we could ever have dreamed without them.

      I had a dream when I was just getting out of the darkness where the Narc appeared to me as an imp of sorts and he said “I DO love you, Iris, you have to love yourself.” I understood this to be his inner being communicating Quantum truths me. It was a kindness to let me hear this. Life is always happening FOR me. Even with the Narc – who I love and care for .

      They are on assignment. This is what we know from Melanie’s work and our recovery.

      No Narc can make us be or feel anything less than LOVE. Love overcomes, feels better, and ultimately wins the entire Kingdom.

      I have many Patients in aging Narc mode and it is the saddest thing to watch. One Patient came back just as she was passing to say “thank you”.

      I hope this helps.

      • kconzachi@yahoo.com'
        Karel
        August 24, 2019

        Wow, Iris! such a revelation to me. I genuinely just experienced an epiphany after hearing/absorbing your words of insight. Whoever you are- God bless you.

        • joyceytait@hotmail.com'
          Jo
          October 21, 2019

          Morning Melanie, I thought things would get better when he retired and sold his business but no he is here all day every day and now lost my dog and home I feel! We are not married and been together for 14 years! The latest is he wants me to sign a survivorship destination and I have a week to do it! House is in joint names! I need a lawyer as to why he doing this! I feel their is an alternative idea for him! Just don’t trust him! I am going away for 2 weeks and will have to think about this suggestion! 🙈

  • rwilliams48239@hotmail.com'
    Renee Williams
    August 13, 2019

    Mel,
    I’m new to the community, what a journey it has been… I have wondered over the past months if my mother was a narcissist. My ex-husband (overt) and ex-partner of 12 years (covert) were. Looking back at my childhood and adult years with her (self-medicating alcoholic), I believe she had those tendencies (silent treatment, with-holding love and approval, and violent outbursts). As she aged she developed health problems and quit drinking. Shortly after, she developed Alzheimer’s and dementia. I moved her in my home to care for her. During this time she ran the gamut from violent outbursts, physical attacks, fear, and her final year spent in grueling self torment, constantly repeating the mantra “oh god, god please, god please” to which I could only distract her from for a few moments- then right back to it. The social worker visited and heard this mantra, asking if my mom had any previous psychological issues… she went on to state that behavior was not common with dementia or Alzheimer’s. This was literally watching a soul in absolute torment.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 13, 2019

      Hi Renee,

      That is so sad for her and everyone concerned.

      I concur this is a soul in torture unable to self medicate away the pain.

      Love to you and yours

      Mel 🙏💞💛

  • mallen22@hotmail.com'
    Megan
    August 13, 2019

    I feel like we all fall from grace at times – and it’s always an opportunity to level up. When a narc falls from grace, there’s the opportunity. When we do – those of us who have often enabling narcs – then we get our opportunity to become internally stronger and more whole. The falling from grace is humbling. I have caught myself saying or doing things that are just plain silly, trying to keep afloat. However, I don’t find much happiness in imagining the narcs getting what they deserve. Someone, Asha?, wrote in another post recently about narcs being like sharks or bees. Stay away from them and understand they bite and sting. And she said she wasn’t mad at them for being a shark or a bee, that’s just what they are. You get the gist. 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 13, 2019

      I love what you have written Megan

      So true!

      God bless our Asha’s wisdom too!

      Mel 🙏💞💛

    • kconzachi@yahoo.com'
      Karel
      August 24, 2019

      Understanding this began my first steps toward inner freedom. Thank you for putting it into words.

  • mm@margotmaccallum.com'
    Margot MacCallum
    August 13, 2019

    Hi Mel. I find following your blogs really interesting. It’s great to share in the lived experience of others that resonates with our own. As a rule, I refrain from commenting on social media or engaging in debate outside my own support group, since nowadays so many people are quick to outrage when a person expresses an opinion which differs from their own. I believe that we are the experts in our own lives, and must learn to discern between information that helps or is not useful to us. I’m pretty sure you believe something similar?

    On this occasion, I am boldly venturing into a response, because the idea of karma is an ancient idea rooted deeply in the concept of reincarnation. A person can be born with karma from previous lives that they must live out. The Western use of the word ‘karma’ implies someone getting payback at the end of their life for having behaved badly at the start of it. Whilst this may be true, it is not always true (in the traditional sense of what karma is). Plenty of narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths never ‘get what is coming to them’. Many of them move through a lifetime on this world being raised higher and higher in esteem, power and harming others without ever being held to account – by ‘karma’, the law or anything else. They do not suffer, but create suffering in others. If we look through history, we’ll find many such examples of men/women who die with a trail of devastation they left behind them, and with an enduring personal myth that perpetuates the lie of their False Self.

    A lot of online rhetoric surrounding narcissism includes ‘experts’ expressing opinions as if they were facts. I think it’s really important to remind readers that, as a self-professed ‘expert’, stories we have heard that have been part of our own personal experience are not a valid metric by which we can judge all narcissists everywhere. They are just the stories we’ve heard many times, and may not be true for every narcissist or their victims.

    I am posing a hypothetical theory here in the spirit of reasoned debate, not attacking you personally.

    I believe the idea that karma pays narcissists back as they age is just wishful thinking on the part of those whom they have deeply harmed. The idea might make us feel better for a while, but we have to find relief and closure from something else…..

    Your whole basis for recovery – turning inwards to heal rather than continuing to suffer over all the injustices and betrayals of the narcissist is really the only way to heal the trauma of abuse. Taking comfort in witnessing a narcissist ‘get their cummuppance’ or gaining closure by wishing pain and misery on the narcissist ultimately only harms ourselves. I’d be interested to hear your ideas ( and those of your mentors such as Dr Bruce Lipton) as to how we gain healing and closure by overcoming/turning away from our own revenge fantasies and hoping they’ll get what’s coming to them. Because the answer to the question, “does karma pay back the narcissist as they age’ is not yes. It’s maybe, sometimes, and frequently not.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 13, 2019

      Hi Margot,

      I really believe that we may demonize social media… yet if we do get triggered by someones reacion then isnt that just pointing us inwards towards a belief, a trauma or insecurity, we can release and heal about ourselves?

      After healing from horrific mass n-smearing one of the greatest gifts I discovered is the only opinion of me that is real is my own, and I do have the freedom to be myself no matter what others choose to think or do.

      I personally do not believe karma is things. I believe it is an emotional state. No one dies thinking about things … they die feeling their state.

      The only reason anyone went after things was to try to feel emotionally whole. With narcissists that is the ‘karma’… these feelings…

      This ONE will give me nirvana.

      Oops no it didnt.

      Ok .. THIS ONE will give me nirvana … opps no it didnt.

      And the private hell continues, hence why so many ‘at the top of the game’ are the most emotionally tortured people you could ever meet.

      They experience: I have it ALL and I still hate myself!!

      I did just answer Robyne regarding your next question ..

      And the ‘how to’ detox, I’m always going to recommend my healing program NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp as the most powerful way to achieve this, as well as the reprogrammint all our limiting beliefs and internal barriers.

      Much love to you

      Mel 🙏💞💛

      • donnaboutilier66@gmail.com'
        Donna Boutilier
        September 9, 2019

        On her deathbed (age 72) dcccccs from ALS (karma or what), my narcissistic mother insisted, even after a loving body massage had the audacity to order me to forgive my ( sic. incestuous) father… never having taken ownership of her part in feeding her supply (my father also a narcissist).

        What felt wonderful for me was to calmy say… I have… Goodbye!

        I suspect.she was haunted with guilt for not protecting me as a child, perhaps triggered by my love as i gently and quietly massaged her body.

        Anyhow, little dis she realize, her comments only made me feel a healthy sadness for her fate.

        Our relationship had been physically and emotionally distant for years while I focussed on healing.

        Thank you Melanie. With my gratitude to the Universe for this opportunity for closure on the past. I hope others in their healing process will be able to achieve closure.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          September 9, 2019

          Hi Donna,

          you are so welcome Dear Lady.

          How wonderful that you healed!

          Thank you for your well wishes to all.

          Mel 🙏💕💛

    • Troyhrpr1@gmail.com'
      Troy
      August 14, 2019

      I like what you’ve written, but I also agree with Mel. I think the people you describe as skating through life harming others and never receiving any punishment may not actually have NPD. There are no doubt selfish, abusive, scheming manipulators out there who are only concerned with meeting their own needs, yet are not really NPD. There just a**holes more or less. I think Mel has it right that a true narcissist is living in hell beneath their facade, and as she said “we die as we have lived”.

    • kconzachi@yahoo.com'
      Karel
      August 24, 2019

      Well put!

  • bronwynshelley@gmail.com'
    Bronwyn Kaye Shelley
    August 13, 2019

    Hi Mel, thanks so much for sharing this information with me. I can relate to this with a parent and an ex. N. I’m still finding narcs gravitate to me in my working life. It’s definitely a work in progress!
    I only feel sadness for my parent as they have pushed friends and family away with their behaviour.
    Thank you again for your wise words, I know that it’s not too late, even now that I am in my 50’s to claim back my life.
    xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 13, 2019

      Hi Bronwyn,

      You are so welcome.

      At any age truly we can break free and claim the Life we were born to live.

      Blessings to you

      Mel 🙏💞💛

      • mariosmac16@gmail.com'
        Mal
        October 6, 2019

        Hello Melanie
        I hope you will allow this question and give some help and guidance and advice to me,I desperately need it….
        I am a 48 year old male and just found out that I am a narcissist all my life,just realised it,I am in deep shock due to sadness for the unbearable pain I have caused to my close family and loved ones,my wife!
        Can a narcissist heal if he wants to change,TRULY change?I am desperate for resources on how to receive counselling and help.Do you provide any counselling options or help,can you direct me to any organisation or other help source please?
        Thank you for helping victims of such terrible abuse.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          October 6, 2019

          Hi Mal,

          I completely believe there are so many similarities between codependency and narcissism, and really the only definite differentiation is ‘are we willing to face and heal our traumas to get well?’

          If you are, then 100% the NARP program http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp achieves this.

          I hope this helps

          Mel 🙏💕💛

          • mariosmac16@gmail.com'
            Mal
            October 6, 2019

            Mel thank you so much for replying.
            Yes I am truly disgusted with myself and want to change…..Thank you for the resource you have sent.Your work is admirable.
            Thank you again.Please wish me fortitude,patience and Grace from God for the best.
            🙏👍

  • lindacohen6115@gmail.com'
    LindaC
    August 13, 2019

    Thank you Mel for this great video. Quite frankly, the life of a narcissist, at the end, their epitaph will read: Date of Birth/Date of Death. Nothing in between. A life that didn’t give anything or anyone happiness, comfort, joy, love or respect. A life that didn’t put smiles on other faces, or give hope or any good deed coming from the heart. Sad isn’t it?

    As for me, I will leave this earth knowing that I am loved, cherished, respected, and have done many good deeds for others, as well as for myself. I crawled out of the muck of being with this type of person. I survived, I healed, I recovered and now I am thriving.

    I am grateful and overjoyed that I am free from all of this.

    One can hope that maybe a narcissist will learn in the next life, maybe not. What is important is that WE learn NOW, in this lifetime. Everyone has their path.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 13, 2019

      Hi Lindac,

      I love your post ans couldnt agree more.

      Love and blessings to you

      Mel 🙏💞💛

    • c15happy@sbcglobal.net'
      Cindy
      August 14, 2019

      Thank you Linda,
      So true and well said!

    • greenbnk@rogers.com'
      Nicole
      August 14, 2019

      LindaC, re epitaph. Earlier this summer I visited my m-i-l’s grave. There was always something about her headstone that ‘piqued’ at me. Every time I visited, I would read through the family members listed on the headstone and then I would read her name and then wonder if there was enough room for my N f-i-l’s name when it came time. Well it is already there! Her epitaph reads “wife of”. That’s all she was: “wife of”. Not beloved wife, mother, etc. She was reduced to something on his ledger sheet. A possession. He completely annihilated her in life and she was made the scapegoat for everything that went down in that Jerry Springer-like family. Her agoraphobia was his excuse why he kept a mistress for over 30 years. But the truth of the matter is, the agoraphobia followed his brutal discard of her! (She was a quiet, intelligent, *beautiful* woman who, from the sounds of it, lacked self-confidence.) Introvert does not equal “agoraphobia” but his brutality and abuse (pining on her lack of self-confidence) would certainly get her to where he wanted her (afraid to leave him ergo, everything was “his”). My m-i-l would go anywhere with him. She adored him. There is a picture of the two of them *outside* the home in the drive-way, her standing very proudly next to him, he not so proud. That was approximately the time he exited the marriage and donned his Peter Pan get-up (think 70’s swinger like persona,) and made like the age of his 20 y/o kids and started living his definition of life. He broke her down so badly she didn’t have the emotional fortitude to survive without him. Her whole identity revolved around him and the kids they raised. (wife/mother) She essentially suffered in dependant silence and her world became smaller and smaller to the point she was just part of the contents of the “marital” home. His house. His couch. His wife. What an epiphany!! Up to that point it was a real struggle not to feel resentment at my f-i-l for “what he did to her”. But as I continue to work, and achieve breakthroughs, I realize on a much deeper level what was going on and that essentially, she didn’t wake up! Or maybe she had woken up, but thought it was too late “for her”? Regardless, my f-i-l didn’t “fail” entirely. I got the message via my m-i-l’s epitaph. I am Me. I am coming home to Me. What I become is not dependent on anyone else, what they are or are not doing. I am My creator. #Greatful

  • ams.soulstice@gmail.com'
    Soulstice
    August 13, 2019

    Dear Mel, thank you for your incredible wisdom and inspiration for healing which has been instrumental in my path to wholeness. I read all your blogs and shows, but this one came just after an email I received from my exhusband of 31 years in response to my updates concerning some parenting issues. In my message I complimented his success (he’s often featured on the news) and I signed off with “peace.” He responded that he has no peace and that he is miserable because he’s lost his kids (they don’t speak to him) and has no love. He accused me of being “noble” and chronically judgemental and unconscious, and ultimately the reason for his profound loss. He said he is not a narcissist, but lamented he should have “listened to his heart” long ago, implying if he’d dumped me sooner his life would not have turned out so bad. So my question is always the same one: Why can’t he Heal himself? I know it’s a ridiculous question , because if he had that capacity to heal
    Himself I doubt he would have been the raging abuser that he was. It’s so confusing and I know there is no answer or need to understand it, but He’s the father of my children, so I have a sense of gratitude for him despite his horrible behavior. I’ll go back to total no contact now. Even though I expected the response I got, it’s still jarring to know that he’s still the world’s biggest victim. I no longer feel triggered by him, instead it’s a feeling of incomprehension. Maybe that will fade away? Will there ever be a point when I don’t ever think of him again or have any need to read your blog? Or is the soul connection forged through having children something that will never fully dissolve? Thank you dear!

    • danfialkosky@yahoo.com'
      Dan
      August 13, 2019

      I would like to correspond with you. We have similar situations. I’m a man going through this, I hope that doesn’t bother you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 13, 2019

      Hi Soulstuce,

      Thank you and I’m so pleased I could help.

      Hun, you will not need this continued information when you do the inner transformational healing and free yourself from the inner trauma that is keeping you connected to this.

      NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp is your answer, and enough is enough. It’s time.

      Sending you love and breakthrough

      Mel 🙏💞💛

  • danfialkosky@yahoo.com'
    Dan
    August 13, 2019

    If you are waiting for karma, then you are wishing bad on someone. You need to rise above and be better. If you are wishing that someone hurts, to feel your hurts, then you are no better. These people are very hurt people. when you wish pain on them even though they inflicted pain on you, you are no better. I know, I was with my narc and painfully brutalized for 31 years. Like Mel says, you need to turn within and deal with you. Just work on and focus on you and what you are doing. This was very hard for me, “pray for them”. They are F—up! But, the way the universe works is, so you reap, so you sow. You reaping revenge on them comes back at you. I know, “But you don’t know what they did!” Yes I do! I have tremendous horror stories about how I was treated. But, dwelling on them gives that situation more power. I know it’s hard. I’m only 2 and a half years out from it and we have kids so I still have to deal with it. I promise you, wishing your abuser well in prayer is freedom. I actually have times during the day when I’m happy and content and I don’t think of her or the abuse. Just because someone did you wrong doesn’t change how God works. Retaliation is you doing wrong! Practice, practice, practice good thoughts toward them. “What are you crazy?” It’s not my rule its Gods! I’m not telling you when or how to forgive them, I’m telling you to shift your focus. Focus on the positive in life. Start working out, join a club, walk every night. Put all of that energy on YOU! If you knew my story, I know that you all would respect what I’ve said. “WTF” pray for someone who abuses me? Yup! Always be the light that you are. Don’t change who you are for anybody! Love you! – Dan

    • robynem@bigpond.net.au'
      Robyne McKay
      August 13, 2019

      I’ve created a debate here and it was unintentional but some comments have been useful and enlightening.

      To be clear and perhaps shift the focus from my thoughtless, triggered comment. I actually rang the N today. He needs surgery so I asked how his specialist appointment went, how he was feeling, if he was worried or scared. Expressed support and concern. I am still tied financially to him and shouldering all the responsibilities. I broke in this area 3 years ago and he knows it, ultimately it was the final straw that broke the marriage after 11 years of cheating and abuse. His response to me to was to criticise, blame, accuse. I found myself moving from loving concern to defensiveness to anger at his raging lack of care and support but nothing new there right?
      What I saw in that instant, although I’m still recovering from today’s contact, was my trigger and the lack of support I am experiencing.
      What I saw then was the need to module on that which I will do within the program.
      I am distressed and my thinking has shut down through my triggered state.
      I am not yet at a point where I can feel gratitude. I am still too traumatised and maybe suffering PTSD. And unfortunately still tied to the N.
      The program, the work is helping enormously. And now I see clearly another area I need to clear and it may well be the biggest one for me.

    • Valpal@rogers.com'
      Valerie
      August 13, 2019

      Forgiveness, love and compassion along with kindness. When we heal ourselves we are able to do this, it is called unconditional. LOVE!!

  • boys4mom12@gmail.com'
    Sandy
    August 13, 2019

    This video was very helpful. Thank you. I have a question about this comment: “When the glory days start fading into the background, and they lose their ability to garnish supply, narcissists traditionally take it out on the people who are still attached.

    In relation to ageing narcissists, this could be their spouse or a child, who they have groomed to dump their anger on and have made responsible for their needs and abuse.”
    I am recovering from a 23 year marriage to a covert narcissist. I have 4 sons who are in various stages of recovery as well, though none of them are in therapy for help doing so. Of the 4, only one still has any contact with his dad, and is still having a difficult time accepting that his father has NPD. He feels sorry for him and tries to “fill the void” as I used to do.
    My question is this: How do I protect my son from getting the worst his dad can dump? Or can I? Is it even possible for me to help, or must he figure it out for himself, as his dad ages? He’s had enough pain in his life and I don’t want his dad to inflict any more onto him. Unfortunately, my son is an adult and living on his own, so it’s not like I can limit contact between them.
    Please advise. This worries me. Thank you for all the great information you offer.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 13, 2019

      Hi Sandy

      I truly believe our children need to do their own journey, and the more we try to stand in, the more they will push back.

      I discovered with my child the best thing I could ever do was lead by example, let go of my fear for him, and see and know in my inner being how powerful and wise he really was.

      All of that came to pass on steroids.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💞💛

  • bartel.amy@yahoo.com'
    Shakti
    August 13, 2019

    Hi. I realized recently after getting out of a long abusive relationship with a malignant narcissist and moving back in with my parent, that my aging parent is a covert narcissist. It was quite the disillusionment when I realized that she was incapable of true empathy when I needed her most. I feel bad for her, but cannot be anywhere around her…..It is such a huge wake up call. As her physical illness got worse, she went through the cycle of gaslighting…I’d call her out, she’d sulk in her room, and do smear campaigns, and out and out lie about what happened. And then try to hoover me. I could not believe it. This hi-lighted the areas I needed to call light into. I moved further away from her and have been focused on filling back up with source light like never before. I even got the blessing of finding more light in myself than I ever knew. I finally identified the hidden cord and cut it, this time not just geographically but also energetically. I told her that I am aware that she does not have empathy and that I cannot be close with her. She keeps trying to be my best friend but I can’t. The guilt trips are not working with me. One other family member notices. I am not sure if and when I should tell anyone else. I vacillate between anger when she contacts me and says negative things, to detachment and forgiveness. I have found that forgiveness is important as it is not worth me staying in a low vibration like she is in. That is her tactic, to pull people down into where she is because she is lonely. She actually has recently tried to sabotague my success. It also seems like she is very psychic and is aware of everything around her..sometimes pretending not to be paying attention, but later it is apparent that she heard everything. She uses a victim stance to get attention, uses hoarding and clutter to stay in control and keep you asking where everything is when you are just trying to do a simple task. This is how she controls the environment. It’s so hard to allow yourself to see how your own mother may have not had your best interest and harmed you. She was harmed as a child and this is all that she has to give. As an aging parent, I see her mind starts repeating. I am seeing more of her being stuck on negative media news, political ideas, etc. We should all just turn off our TVs and stop eating fast food and being unconscious in our habits so we don’t end up like that! I believe that being present and embodied is the cure. I am working on it! Seeing this in my parent has helped me to see how my ex did it, and why I was so ready to fall into that trap when he identified me as his next victim. When you cross reference your narcissists you can see the hidden threads of how they accomplish their control and agenda.

  • eedialojam@gmail.com'
    Petals
    August 13, 2019

    Thank you Melanie.
    Stay blessed.

  • yelseld@hotmail.com'
    Lesley
    August 13, 2019

    Yes! This video could be about my deceased narcissistic mother, so here’s a precis of the last 5 years of her life… When my father (a lovely but co-dependent man) died aged 87(in 2013), my narc mother (85) started to fall to pieces. Whereas her former false self appeared confident, in control, lucid, and had good financial acumen) now she could no longer make any decisions (even about my fathers funeral arrangements) and couldn’t hardly utter a word, she just sat there looking pathetic and empty. At his funeral service, she sat devoid of emotion, and said nothing. I expected this as she didn’t love my father (she’d told me this in the past) and treated him terribly. What my narc mother was missing was her drug (narcissistic supply) which my father provided her with and got abuse in return. Without his attention/supply, she was a hollow shell, with nothing inside. Within a few months, she’d sold her and dad’s lovely home and purchased an apartment (in haste) which turned out to be a leaky building! She cashed up another trust she owned to release more funds. Then my narc mother had a mini stroke which affected her peripheral vision. She recovered from this, but was living in a continual state of anxiety. She was ringing my brother all times of the day, trying to get him to do her bidding and give her attention. My brother is a lovely guy, he was my mother’s golden child but this came with a price. She started calling in favours for all the money she’d given him. When he wouldn’t comply, my mother basically stopped eating (she’d always suffered from anorexia) to get someone’s attention. This lead to her ending up in hospital with delirium, but not before she’d told the ambulance officer that my brother had tried to strangle her, which was all lies. From hospital she went into care, she was in 4 different facilities over the next 3 years, where she drove the poor staff crazy with her demands for attention. Her desperation for attention was there for all to see and she tried any number of antics to get it, the mask had dropped and it was not a pretty sight! My mother was diagnosed with paranoia and mental illness although only a low level dementia. Last year September 2018 she passed away peacefully (faded away actually) aged 91. I and my two daughters were present at her death, my brother and his two adult children chose not to be at the hospital. This may seem sad but her children and grand children hardly visited because she was so nasty and miserable. Her own children only visited out of a sense of duty. This last year has been one of relative peace for our families, after lifetime of my mothers drama. A year on my mothers apartment block is still being rebuilt and won’t be finished till 2020, so far $230,000 has been spent from her savings. My brother and I intend to sell the apartment once it’s completed.This will be the end 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 13, 2019

      Wow Lesley

      This was so your mother’s story.

      Much love to you and your brother and your families.

      Mel 🙏💞💛

  • cooper-helen@sky.com'
    Helen, UK
    August 13, 2019

    When I sadly realized that I was in yet another devaluation stage, I used all my strength to let the rollercoaster of his stonewalling, silent treatment and projections wash over me. It was like I was watching it unfold as an observer. I’d finally had enough and after 14 years of living a life on his terms, i knew I had to end it. When I asked him to leave he threw comments at me such as :

    “I got sick of hearing about how you struggled with your relationship with your dad” ( not something I constantly talked about, but maybe occasionally – as you do in “intimate” relationships with people who you trust)

    “I can’t fix you” ( I didn’t ask him to. I have done a LOT of self work over the years, at one point I even went to a psychiatrist as he convinced me that our struggles with communication might be because I could have aspergers. The psychiatrist said I was suffering with anxiety)

    “ How will you ever have a relationship with anyone going forward?” (Implying I was fundamentally flawed etc etc)

    He knew these comments would cut deep and in my darkest moments on this journey of recovery they still haunt me. Was he taking control of MY discard of him? Or am I really just unworthy of unconditional love? I have days when I feel very strong in my decision to leave him, but then his final words keep going round and round in my head….. because of the element of truth in them regarding childhood wounds.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 13, 2019

      Awww Helen,

      Please know sweet lady, this is absolutely what narcissists do and you are not flawed at all.

      I am more than positive that you gave and did all you could , and that these are all total narcissistic tit for tat discard and switch malicious comments.

      Please Helen let me show you how to get completely free of that implant and all other traumas inside you, in my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      There is a direct and powerful way out of this, I promise you.

      Mel 🙏💞💛

  • liz_burchell@hotmail.com'
    Liz UK
    August 13, 2019

    Dear Melanie
    My adult daughter is a Narcissist and has made it impossible to see my only grandchild. A grandson who is 11 now.
    I am 76 and the whole situation has nearly killed me! Of course the signs were always there but I didn’t see them? One day 2 years ago my younger daughter said to me ‘you know she is a Narcissist mum?’. I didn’t and didn’t even know what a narc was? Now I do and my elder daughter totally ticks all the boxes!

    The truth was a terrible shock as I thought my main reason for living was my 2 wonderful daughters? Not so – my elder daughter charmed and lied her way through her adult life and I fell for it all . When she ‘turned’ it became violent, frightening and totally shocking!

    Thank god for all the help that is out there and in particular to my younger daughter, whose strength and understanding has helped me through it all. She suggested I went on the internet to find information and help. I did and found you Mel. Thank you for explaining every emotion I have suffered in this nightmare. Thank you for giving me the knowledge and tools to work with to heal myself.

    I am still work in progress and sometimes the pain of absence in my life ie., my delightful grandson is unbearable. However, I have learned so much from this whole shocking experience, which is quite amazing!. I now do no contact with her so I have to be punished? I actually have been known to smile at the antics involved and just feel sad for her as she is forcing her 11 yr old son to suffer with her?.

    Thank you Mel for helping me understand the whole scenario – smearing, gaslighting, violence, verbal abuse. She has become like the devil, hateful to the extreme. How unhappy she must be but I am doing ok as each day goes by and fully intend to carry on my healing process. I do agree with the karma thing that things do not always work that way but will say this – she is unwell now? Also have the revelation that my sister has been a Narc all her life and is now very ill aged 80? Never understood the hatred towards me all my life from my sister !!!. Life works in mysterious ways?? A million thanks to you Mel for setting me on the right and only path to total recovery. Also for all yr continued support. Xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 13, 2019

      Hi Liz,

      My heart goes out to you. I am so pleased I can help and that my material brings you healing and comfort.

      You are so welcome and its wonderful that you have young youngest daughter love and support.

      Sending love and healing to you and all of your family.

      Mel 🙏💞💛

  • flowertherapy@icloud.com'
    Val
    August 13, 2019

    My N mother actually acted more kindly toward me from the age of 85 to 90. Yet I feel like an observer rather than a recipient of that….perhaps that’s a benefit of the healing Ive done Mel….?( Prior to being here and doing healing everything revolved around her and what she did and didn do), lol, it seems so distant now..) Now I wish only for her comfort and ease yet after a lifetime of cruelty and abandonment in my experiences with her, I feel detached / removed from her efforts .. I appreciate it yet it seems not about me somehow…hard to put into words. I believe what the Dalai Lama says : We’re here to heal, not harm…, or ever wish harm on anyone else…to do so brings more violence and unkindness to our world. Right on Mel, best to stay busy healing ourselves and contributing kindness in our world. 🌺💖🌟🙏

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 13, 2019

      It so is better Val,

      You are so anchored in soul and spirit now Dear Angel Lady.

      So much love to you

      Mel 🙏💞💛

  • e@eboorman.com'
    ENPB
    August 13, 2019

    Hello Beautful Melanie,

    It’s been a while but this particular Narc is an actor in his 70’s (looks declining) so your video hits the core. (NB He now only plays the evil villains/bureaucrats)

    His reasoning in emails is clearly going out the window. I’ve got educated and progressed but he’s still stuck in old spaghetti nonsense argumentation.

    His solicitor is finally seeing through him I think. The Police are also seeing through him. A great turning point after 8 yrs of my making heaven in hell.

    Our young daughter (7) is his point of offloading so your video is so important. Thank you. She is his audience and his only real weapon.

    Your education has taught me how to handle it. Thank you a million times. They know what’s precious and dear to one’s heart and how to use this.

    I see how they manipulate even your close friends who don’t see any signs. How I was manipulated – it took painful years to accept and acknowledge this.

    Still shocked at the bizarre and ruthlessness, non conscience methods to his own child but authorities are now catching on thanks to educators like you.

    We all know it’s a life/death game they play. I send great love and energy to all survivors and say ‘love and protect yourselves 100 percent.’

    You are a great light Melanie.

    Thank you. 💕🏆👏👏👏 Please don’t stop.

    XE

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 14, 2019

      Hi XE,

      I am so pleased you are handling it, and that I can help.

      Sending power and love to you and your daughter.

      Thank you for your love and energy to all.

      Big love to you

      Mel 🙏💞💛

  • Leighona13@gmail.com'
    Leighann
    August 13, 2019

    Hello, everyone 💓 I’m new here. I have So much gratitude for finding this Community of Healers. I’ve been subscribing to these videos for about 2 years now and have the older version of NARP and tried the modules a few times. I’ve never looked at the comment section until today and I’m so glad that I did. It’s like a breath of fresh air for me and reminds me that I’m not alone. I’ve come a long way so far…finally left an alcoholic physically abusive and wealthy Narc, who is one of my children’s fathers…about 3 years ago and am trying unsuccessfully to parallel parent with him and have No Contact…I need help and support around this. I was getting physically assaulted a lot at the end whenever he was drunk, so when I left, I left with nothing just to be able to finally get out. We have an amazing Advocacy Center in the town where I live and they helped me a lot when I first left him. I’m pulling it all together and working hard and long hours back in my profession as a REgistered Nurse doing Hospice work. This work is helping me to heal a lot and I’m grateful for that… but I have to work a lot to make ends meet right now and I have a lot of resentment still about all that I lost when I had to leave. He travels first class every other week all over the world, has fancy cars, multiple houses, a boat, owns a nightclub bar, has big parties all the time and everybody just loves him and thinks he’s all that. A woman who is about 10 years younger than me now lives in the home that I lost and goes on vacations with my daughter. He has smeared me pretty hard too in our community…I lost a lot of people who I thought were my friends when I left and finally starting saying NO to him and setting healthy boundaries. I know I need to do the Module work more. Gonna figure out getting the newer NARP version. And I’m going to get more involved in this Forum. Thank you again for sharing and doing this amazing and healing work. I know I’m in the RIGHT place 💓

    • jacqline861@gmail.com'
      Jaya
      August 14, 2019

      Hi Melanie,

      Thank you so much for this video as it is something I often think about.

      First, I assure you I am completely disengaged from my ex narcissist, but I do think about him. I believe he recently turned 60, which is far from elderly. But time has certainly taken its toll on him physically and, hence, has reduced the previous ease he once had in attracting women. I don’t care whether he ever gets his full comeuppance, but I am curious at how such a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde character manages his life, especially as he grows older.

      I wonder at his ability to hold onto the same job for years when I know how he alienates people. He seems to handle his finances successfully (he never tried to get my money). He buys houses, cars and leads what appears to be a normal, comfortable, middle class life. To be honest, his outward stability was a major attraction for me. I have always maintained myself financially, so I only wanted a true partner, not a sugar daddy. I think, with some digust, that he probably is more willing to “buy” younger women’s attentions than he ever would have have to do in the past.

      But I know the inner unhappiness of this man.

      No matter how he often claimed his life was “great!” I learned it reallly wasn’t. I know his grown children keep their distance. I know he has no real friends. I never saw him going out with buddies. His parents are both deceased, but I believe there was toxicity in the family when they were alive and I felt he was haunted by those memories. Over time, I learned to feel less injured by him because I realized it wasn’t just me he had problens being close to, but everyone.

      I am a kind, sympathetic person but not an empath. I don’t take on other people’s unhappiness and woes as my own. I love to help, when I can, but I usually get out of dodge when someone else’s problems begin to hurt me. The biggest example of this was my divorce from my ex husband. He was a nice man who used to have a lot going for him, but he developed a very serious drug problem. I hung in there for years, but I eventually left to save my own life. He died a couple years ago of kidney cancer.

      I didn’t recognize the signs that my narcissist ex was also a dangerously damaged person until it was too late to run. I had fallen in love with him. He found out what I wanted in terms of romance and he played the part expertly, at first. He was very, very sexual, even in his late 40s. He was a parttime musician who played in local bands. That was extremely attractive to me as I am a visual artist. He used to serenade me on summer nights with his guitar (sigh). He could be uproariously funny. He made me laugh so hard sometimes I couldn’t catch my breath. In short, he was everything I wanted in a mate.

      But I also have a very hot temper when pushed. When he started being abusive I fought back. We got into horrific name-calling scenes that I have never experienced in my life. I couldn’t believe the FOUL things he said to me, and the (almost) equally nasty words I flung back at him. I was becoming someone I didn’t know…and someone I didn’t like. This craziness went on, off and on, for eight years.

      But back to the issue of aging. When I say this man was GORGEOUS in his youth, I am not exaggerating. We have known each other since high school, but we were not sweethearts back then. We reconnected 30 years later when he messaged me through Facebook. Part of our little romantic backstory was that we had mutual crushes on each other as teens! But he was out of my reach because I was only a lowly sophomore and he was a glamorous senior, and because he had a steady girlfriend. To this day I remember seeing them walk down the halls together. She was a very beautiful girl who followed serenely a step behind him as he pulled her along by the hand. Now I know the hell that girl was probably going through, even at that tender age, and why she wasn’t smiling.

      Anyway, fast forward to us both being in our late 50s. I finally broke all contact with him several months ago. I just simply had enough. So, he is out there…still ridiculous and still lying to everyone, with no real friends and with family members who stay away. It doesn’t really matter to me what the hell happens to him , but I do wonder.

      More importantly, I wonder how damaged I am after so long a time in an insane “love” affair. I am not young, and while I still look pretty good, I have some health concerns. I have little interest in starting a new relationship, but I do want another husband…a GOOD one. I am sure you have videos or advice on getting back in the dating game and I would appreciate a link, if you could provide it. If you have one specifically aimed at older people, that would be wonderful.

      Thank you for your kind attention to this (long) ramble.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        August 14, 2019

        Hi Jaya,

        that is certainly some journey that you have had with this man.

        Please know Jaya it is never too late to heal, reclaim you (in a more solid and self-actualised way than ever before) and then date and meet a partner who is healthy and truly compatible with you.

        I have had people in this Community in their 70’s achieve that.

        The first step is NARP – to heal from the trauma from him, and the deeper programs that all of us took on from our childhoods and even the generations before us.

        In my humble opinion, after N-abuse, there truly isn’t a safe or healthy ‘going forward’ until we achieve that.

        then the dating tweaking can come seamlessly, powerfully and in a really fun and safe way!

        My highest suggestion to you is the deep inner healing first with NARP, where in 6 months time, you could feel and be unrecognizable (in such a beautiful way) from your previous self, emotions, health and self.

        http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

        Much love to you

        Mel 🙏💞💛

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 14, 2019

      Hi Leighann,

      please email support@melanietoniaevans.com so that one of my lovely staff can hook you up with NARP version 3 which is a whole other level of shifting power!

      That’s great that you have joined our conversation here. Please come into the NARP Forum as well, as you have said you will – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member where we have incredible members who can help you and support you with Parallel Parenting.

      Im so pleased that you are feeling hope, that you are ready to do the inner work and that you are reaching out for help. It’s my pleasure and I am so pleased I can help.

      It is your time to heal Leighann.

      So much love to you

      Mel 🙏💞💛

  • charlotaysee@yahoo.com'
    Charlotte
    August 13, 2019

    My ex husband who was older than I was spiraled out of control when we were married. He had owned 60 Wendy’s restaurants in the United States and was a huge charmer. Once he sold them off and retired he started gambling, dating on international sites, and sending money overseas for gem stone deals and to get affection. Yes unfortunately we were still married at the time. We lost our 10 bedroom home, private schools for our teenagers, beach condo’s & money to live on. He went through $870K in one year gambling and millions were margined in our stock accounts and were sold off leaving the kids and I barely nothing to live on. Yes I was the last to know as it was always his money and in his control. He has since moved to the Philippines leaving his issues & children behind looking for a better life.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 14, 2019

      Awww gosh Charlotte,

      I wish every healing, happiness and success to you and your children.

      Mel 🙏💞💛

  • jraltizer@gmail.com'
    Julia
    August 14, 2019

    Yes. My ex-husband that will never really be ex’ed and sponges off anyone every chance he gets. Supposedly he has all these health problems. Some are real and some seem made up (ex: he has days he can’t walk. This is an old game he has played over the years when he needs attention). There is a perpetual whine to his voice that I find absolutely disgusting. I think he has destroyed all his friendships and family relationships. Our son won’t talk to him.

    Long before I knew the word narcissist I would compare these types of people to bananas. They start out all nice looking and over time just get totally rotten and ugly. He used to be quite handsome but is nothing like his former self. I was going through old baby pictures a short time ago with my grown son. He asked who the man was that was holding him. He was utterly shocked when I told him it was his Dad! He said It can’t be! He doesn’t look anything like that now. So within so with out

    And so it goes . . .

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 14, 2019

      Hi Julia,

      I so agree with you.

      The decline like this is so often the case.

      Love to you and your family.

      Mel 🙏💞💛

      • jraltizer@gmail.com'
        Julia
        August 14, 2019

        Thank you Mel! Love to you and your family too.

        Julia

  • sarah@momonaspiritualjourney.com'
    Sarah Lawrence
    August 14, 2019

    Hi Mel and everyone.

    Divorced from my narc last December. I still have to have contact with him due to alimony and child support situations (which thankfully he is paying). I have a few years to regain myself and set up my own work and home life again. And my daughter has some more time at home with just me present so that she can hopefully heal from some of the exposure to his behaviors.

    The other day he came over to discuss something with her and used all the same high-pressure techniques and tactics I felt him use on me in the past. It’s weird what he does and I know his mother taught him well! It’s a feeling of being caught in a web and being wrong no matter what you say unless you agree to whatever his ‘argument’ is. I think he does it to get a kick from the display of ‘power’. I do my best to keep those situations to a minimum for her. My daughter is self-aware and can see what he does, fortunately.

    So, aging narcissists. His mother (narc) and father (flying monkey) are moving to a retirement property from their family house. I was married to the middle son of 3 sons, all who ended up being abusive in their own way. The mother has just asked one of the other sons for a dining table back she gave him 15 years ago! When married to my ex, we had the same experience where we were given a set of china, then she asked for it back because she decided she still liked it, giving us in exchange another she (and my ex) liked less! The three boys have always buckled under to her behavior and never questioned it. My daughter doesn’t like the mother (her grandma) at all. So a gift is never a gift, from a narcissist. It’s an energetic attachment.

    My counselor says it’s possible that the mother will ‘pack’ the smaller house with as many possessions as possible when they move. I guess I’ll hear, one way or another. Whether they are alone or with a partner who is the supply, narcissists do not age gracefully.

    So this resonates for me with what you said in your video about people and possessions just being more ‘stuff’ to the narc. Sticking the sandwiches (and dining tables) to their body with tape.

    As for the karmic aspect, since 2010 I’ve been giving Akashic Records Readings, and it’s interesting to note that there is a vibrational measurement which can be taken related to the Soul’s ability to manifest, based on past karma. If karma isn’t cleared from previous lives, it downloads into this life as a measurable energetic vibration which can hold us back. So, if in the current non-benevolent patriarchal society, narcissists don’t appear to get their ‘comeuppance’, the weight of their uncleared karma will still be carried over to the next life, and the next, unless they decide to realign with their Divine Soul Blueprint and change their evolutionary path.

    So if not in this life, then the next!

    Lots of light to everyone, let’s keep on healing. xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 14, 2019

      Hi Sarah,

      absolutely the Indian Giving part of narcissism makes me personally thrilled to be self-generative and partnered directly with life … it truly does mean that our worth and value is not based on what other people give, hold back, or even take back.

      Thank you for your thoughtful and insightful post and much love to you and your family.

      Mel 🙏💞💛

  • 905kat@gmail.com'
    Kathy
    August 14, 2019

    I see the signs in the covert N I broke away from. He is 64. Throughout the situationship, I noticed he is obsessed with aging and success. He always said he felt old. He picked partners 10 years younger than himself. He dyed his hair which I thought was to make him feel better but I now think it was to make him look younger for his potential supply. He is meticulous in self grooming. What it came down to was everything he did was for show for the outside world, his posts, etc. His personal beliefs which were misogynistic and bigoted are carefully hidden from his adoring public. I left because through intuition, I knew he was on the hunt for a new partner. I realized that the issues that always bothered me, our differences in beliefs were not something I could live with. It was through dismantling of cognitive dissonance that I also realized what had been truly happening over 8 years, that there had been other partners, and the final red flag of putting single on a private Facebook page when he was not. The shock of seeing that, confronting him on it and his minimizing and taking it down made me realize I was being played or 80% of his private followers, (about 45 of them women), were being mislead. This was a private page he had had for a few years which I was not until recently privy to. I looked at the history of posts and am pretty sure I even know who the current victim is. There was no family I could see listed but many, I believe were patients or former classmates.

    I believe he plays a dangerous game.

    The #1 source for his ego is the success of his practice. It is part of his identity. If he is sourcing supply from this, using financial security, his looks, and his outward selfless posts as hooks, eventually, as a result of relationship breakups, this will come out and will destroy his reputation and his practice. I think karma is simply the consequences of your own decisions and actions. I see a ticking bomb here. And if not that, because he is so obsessed with his looks that will eventually fade, I believe he’ll become more desperate. He is financially secure and this may delay the inevitable but I’ve found when a person favours their appearance over their character, when those looks fade, they become very bitter and people turn away. His original family turned away years ago. I now realize he was the reason for this despite the stories I was told. And here’s the thing, eventually, Ns can’t even keep up with their own lies. They indulge in vague and false promises and push partners to their limits as happened to me. What it comes down to is they can never decipher if a person loves them for themselves or their hooks so there is never any trust on their part despite their demanding trust from you. I am thriving but still coming to grips with the external versus internal persona and manipulation of this N and the love I have for him. I’m much stronger and much more aware thanks to Melanie’s program. The mask reflecting what you hold dearly internally cannot be upheld by the N because they don’t truly believe. The true beauty of a human is their soul and Ns have turned away from this long ago. What they value can be lost or fades away and only a shell remains and everyone else will pay for it. And in aging, their supply ages too. Less and less people are available unless they go for younger and younger and inevitably the N is just too old to keep up, leaving them isolated.

  • iabanks@sky.com'
    Isobel
    August 14, 2019

    Thanks for your articles Melanie.
    My mother is now in a care home with dementia. It was only last year that the penny dropped and I made sense with all this new enlightenment of what had really been going on in my childhood, with both parents on this Narc scale.
    The dementia has been a relief to me as it has lessened the sharpness of her words, and indeed she is going quite mad.
    Luckily she manages to charm all around her and her carers love her to bits.
    The other day she said to me that she hopes I get ill too so that I will be with her in the Care home. You know, I saw her then for all she had manipulated me in life, but I also saw a child who needed a companion alongside her. Sometimes I wonder if her being a German child in the war had a damaging effect on her.
    I am now able to let it all run off my back and not let it get to me. So thank you Melanie for all your healing resources. I even feel love for her, and I concur with what Val above has written.
    However, I also know that she would still eat me alive if she could, but it no longer bothers me, if that makes sense.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 14, 2019

      Hi Isobel,

      you are very welcome.

      Dementia, absolutely does seem to soften many critical tongues, and I’m pleased you are having this relief!

      I love that you have worked at healing you and you are no longer damaged by her antics.

      Isobel, this totally makes sense. Your words are those of a woman who has done the inner work.

      Many continued blessings to you

      Mel 🙏💞💛

    • flowertherapy@icloud.com'
      Val
      August 14, 2019

      Dear Isobel, thank you for sharing …like yours, my mother also has dementia and Alzheimer’s and has softened and been kinder than I’ve ever known her to be these last five or so years….she’s just turned 90. Like you, I feel detached / ….Her carers also tell how charming and funny she is, lol…..You mentioned the war history and growing up as a German child… I do think those who lived through wartime in Europe / the Holocaust etc suffered terribly from the persecution and terror and having to conceal who they were….My ex N partner had parents who were Holocaust survivors , he was born after but of course what they had suffered changed their capacity to parent and who they were as people after such unspeakable trauma. So of course, the impact on him and other children/ second generation Holocaust survivors was surely profound . May blessings be with you Isobel xo 💛🌟

  • heatherthomas56@gmail.com'
    Heather Hall
    August 14, 2019

    Great video Melanie,

    I got out after 4.5 years, what a lifesaver that was. He was 12 years older than me and he’s now in his 70’s, miserable old man, I am thankful he’s out of my life. If I could go back in time to the first sign he would have been gone so quick, but I had no idea what was coming. Screaming, name calling in public and our home, temper tantrums like a little child, so much embarrassment, my friends stopped coming around and once I finally left they spoke openly to me about it. I wish they would of said something earlier, but you of course would we believe our friends, the narcissist have us trapped into believing they love us. Always a knack to pull us back in when we are about to leave. Lies and deception like I never experienced. I am healing nicely but not without a lot of pain some days wondering how a smart woman like me got duped. My eyes are now very wide open. Many thanks for your tremendous support and healing words.
    Heather

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 14, 2019

      Hi Heather,

      Thank you!

      That is great that you got out.

      Please know the smartest and most incredibly kind and sensible people get taken down by N’s.

      This was because it was all to do with our deep subconscious programs, not our logical, cognitive or even informational learned selves!

      Heather, have you ever come into one of my free webinars to get answers, relief and breakthrough?

      I know it would help you so much http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Much love to you

      Mel 🙏💞💛

  • kendradel@gmail.com'
    Kendra
    August 14, 2019

    Fallen from Grace, narcissistic father (Vietnam fighter pilot who watched most of his squadron blow up along-side of him after growing up with a much younger brother who lived for 26 years with the mind of a two month-old baby). In his final three years of dealing with prostate cancer (loss of sexual function which is total justice), bone cancer (very painful after inflicting much pain on his first wife and children) and Alzheimer’s he could never talk about death or illness. I’m pretty sure he was anticipating Hell. Two months ago he was in assisted living/ memory care for one day before falling. He spent two days in the ER against his will (mandatory observation/ protocol after an unsupervised fall). There he disrobed and flirted with the nurses. I cut my ER visit early when he pointed a thumb at me and asked the beautiful doctor, “Who’s this bubblegum?” Two days later I got a call from hospice saying that he had died. My step-mom was on a cruise and couldn’t be reached. I prayed to St Christoper to cut any heart string that attached me to that soul!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 15, 2019

      Hi Kendra,

      Gosh … hurt people sure can hurt people.

      Sending you power and love for your healthy detachment and Thriving Dear Lady.

      Mel 🙏💞💛

  • jeweed@aol.com'
    Sammy
    August 15, 2019

    I am going to court Aug 23, (well my attorney is) against my vampire sister. She stole the inheritance my dad left me and then did the same when my mom died. Lies, cheats you name it everything Melonie writes the vampire has done to me. The internet is filled with all the things she has spent my inheritance on. I decided not to take it this time. I am hoping everyone who reads this will send me and my attorney their prayers and good thoughts that good triumphs over evil. Peace

  • Rkdawg45@gmail.com'
    Diane
    August 18, 2019

    Oh. My. Gosh.
    I lived this nightmare for 4 years with ex and his elderly narc mother (although I didn’t know then she was afflicted with this common disorder..just thought she was batshit crazy. Had heard of narcissism and thought I knew what it was about but had no idea of the destruction they are capable of.)
    There was so much dysfunction in this family. Her husband had been killed in Viet Nam so her “prince” of a son became her enmeshed pseudo husband (if you’re not familiar google Oedipus Complex)
    At any rate…we split at the end of 2007 when the economy was turning upside down and thank God I got out then. I witnessed her unraveling as he had to rely on her even more for financial support and she ended up filing bankruptcy end of 2009.
    She helped him with huge mortgage payments until her death at 89 Jan 2018. Now he has defaulted and in foreclosure. I could go on about his inabilty to manage money just like her but when I read the above it was exactly as I predicted it would go down.

  • angelikmaispastrop@gmail.com'
    Angelique
    August 24, 2019

    You are not kidding when you say the mask falls off spectacularly. My 82 years old narcissistic mother shacked up with a 40 something african guy who is milking her for all she’s worth. It’s gross, they’re always in church eating God morning noon and night and she was using him to try to triangulate us her children in the most heartbreaking way. Hasn’t worked with me. As she has shown her true colours to the whole family which is a blessing really, as I have gone no contact guilt free, i hope i only ever see her again in her box which shouldn’t be too long and it’ll be good riddance to bad rubbish. To give you an idea of the mindnumbing shallowness, she thinks people think she’s a cougar and she relishes it and she’s proud of it. I kid you not! And no she’s not gaga at all. She has done all sorts throughout her life but talk about going out with a bang with this one!

    I never even knew she was a narcisisst because i was so used to suffering and taking crap from her but that episode totally made the scales fall off my eyes and i get a chance to QFH her utter madness out of my life. Hey no bloody wonder I married a narcisisst after having been thoroughly groomed by her. All good now!

  • Courtney.donley@gmail.com'
    Courtney
    September 1, 2019

    Thank you for this. I’m in the process of breaking free from my narcissistic father, and for years and years AND YEARS I have made excuses for his behavior. I was never his main supply source growing up. That came from my mom and brother. My mother passed away almost 5 years ago from cancer, and not long after that my brother drank himself to death. He died in my father’s house. I was living out of the area and for months I would beg and beg and beg my dad to do something to help my brother. Get him to the doctor, call an ambulance so someone, ANYONE could try and convince my brother to seek medical attention for his failing body. But he wouldn’t do it. He didn’t want to “create an argument.” And so eventually my brother died. 36 years old and he drank to the point that his liver failed.

    It was then that my dad had to turn to me for his supply. I didn’t see it then, but I see it now, how badly he would manipulate and abuse me. He recently became so verbally abusive that I blocked his phone number and cancelled our trip to see him for Thanksgiving. I wanted to believe that he was more good than rotten, but it is clear to me now as he begins to unravel, that is he about to completely fall from grace and will most likely die completely alone.

  • kathrynnova@gmail.com'
    Kate
    November 11, 2019

    Yes, he was a hot shot photographer in his younger days, surrounded by beautiful women and frequent trips with them to Paris and Cannes. He even drove a Jaguar with a CANNES vanity license plate. I worked as a photo assistant for him, buy eventually I left as I felt his nasty vibrations, his exploitation, entitlement, abusive temper outrages and bullying to be too uncomfortable to be around. This was before people spoke of narcissists. So back then, he was just a jerk. He smeared me around town. It hurt, but I moved, and eventually forgot about him. A decade later news reached me that he had major money problems, his CANNES jag was repo’d, nobody wanted to work for him for longer than a few months and he could only pay them with restaurant gift cards. He drank himself to death. He looked 75 but was only 53 when he passed. He was an awful person to be around, but wow, when I write this it makes me really sad for him. He was his own worst enemy. Even the way he had hurt me, (And I do see my fault in our entanglement) its so minor compared to the way he hurt himself. RIP Scott. Hope you figure it out a little better in the next try at life.

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