Melanie Tonia Evans

What To Do If You Feel Like You’re Too Old To Recover From Abuse

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 3
48
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

This is one of the most painful questions people ask …

It is so understandable, after being narcissistically abused, to think that you have thrown the best years of your life away … and that it’s now too late to create a great life.

And let’s face it – it’s very unlikely that you have ended a relationship in a supported state, where you are healthy, happy and buoyantly able to move forward.

In fact, the exact opposite is usually true – you’ve lost a lot, and especially your confidence and faith in Life and yourself.

You may have been set back years – emotionally, mentally, physically and financially.

And of course it feels like the dreams that you had worked hard to accomplish have been thwarted!

In today’s Thriver Tv Show I share with you some incredible and inspirational information, that I know will help you (no matter what age you are), as well as real life accounts from people who healed and Thrived despite their age.

These individuals generated not only relief and freedom, but also their life missions, aspirations and greatest joys after narcissistic abuse …  despite not having what most people would call the necessary support or contemporary qualifications to do so.

I thoroughly look forward to sharing you with WHY Quantum Law is unlimited and never discriminates …

And how to tap into it!

NO matter HOW old you are!

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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48 Thoughts on What To Do If You Feel Like You’re Too Old To Recover From Abuse
  • lina126y@hotmail.com'
    Strongwind
    March 22, 2017

    Unfortunately my N was much younger than me. I’ve always looked much younger than my age. After my first marriage I never thought I would ever find love and when I did, it was with a my second N. I trusted this man with all of my heart and I gave so many of my years to a n who I think was sociopathic and altruistic N. He was a perfect man but there was something about him that didn’t make sense. I didn’t know why I felt so lonely with him so I use to lash out at him so when he left I blamed myself for the way I was discarded, triangulated and abused. I was discarded as if I never existed for another woman and left emotionally and financially broken without a career or job. I depended on the N and finishing up my studies in Eastern Medicine.. I was barely unable to function for nearly 4 yrs due to the trauma and shock… Now I’m doing the Narp but I’ve been wondering if I can truly ever heal. I’m in my late 50’s and I have to admit, I’m really scared and your blog couldn’t have come at a better time for me. thank you Mel

    • Kdan1611@gmail.com'
      Karen Tate
      April 2, 2017

      I am going through this! I am so tired of thinking about him. This is week 2!

    • jan342736@rogers.com'
      JULIE NEUFELD
      July 13, 2017

      I’m 56 and trying to get this man out of my house for the ?? time. 7 years of more off than on. I feel stupid, I feel embarrassed and he feels it’s just “crazy Julie” all over again. I feel blank and feel no love, I feel sick when I look at him. He’s a horrible person. His own daughter hates him, he talks about everyone behind their back, even his own friends! He listens to phone calls and then would actually make opinions based on half a conversation. He’ll “sneak” listening.

      The last verbal attack was way over the top…. and did it! His anger is scaring me more and more all the time. I started shaking and told him I need him gone and I can’t do this anymore. I told him it will be the last time a man calls me a “whore” in my own home” and everything else. It’s time to move on….I can’t handle this anymore. It’s my house. I’m not a vindictive person so I have a hard time “retaliating”… I just end up “screaming” over his anger and constant beratement for him to stop and I run away and cry.

      He’s exactly what I’ve read on all these posts, the one element that is difference for me is that I’m bipolar. I’ve been medicated since I was 25, I’ve raised a beautiful daughter, I’ve owned my houses and own the house I’m in now, always worked but I am bipolar and he’s stuck to my weaknesses with glue. I stopped working 2010 just after I met him because of my arms – making it very difficult to become part of these wonderful forums because typing is painful.

      18 more days and he’s moving but I just woke up to 10 messages all over my counter and I started to read them and tore them up. It’s the blame and reminding me of “how much he’s done for me” when the truth is totally opposite. I supported him for more than a year, I lent him $3500 to fix his car with the promise of him paying me back and he became the most horrific, screaming, angry person no one can imagine when I would bring up the topic of money. He told me “my money was his right”, we’re a “couple” but when he “borrowed” it he actually got on his knees and begged me to “lend” it to him with the promise of paying me back and I believed him. I sobbed. He threw the “I have to get to work” crap at me. It was the only savings I had left after working my life.

      His note this morning…. he’s put food in the fridge and telling me he’ll always look after me as long as he’s here. I’m not touching it… is that the right thing to do?

      I’ve looked right at him and told him I don’t love him anymore. I am broken. I am so broken. I don’t feel anything anymore but ultimately it’s me I’m scared of. The circle begins. He berates me to feeling worthless and no one would want me and no one likes me, I have no friends, his friends don’t like me…. etc., and when I’m alone and try to date and get rejected I end up wanting him back because I start to believe he’s right.

      He’s left and come back too many times now to gain the full trust and help from my family and friends. They are still “hanging” in there but ultimately, they are being very reserved, and rightly so.

      I started reading this blog looking for an answer…. do I answer these notes he left me, correct him…. thank you, after reading here I found my answer… no. I’ve been ignoring him since I asked him to move July 1 and so far so good… but I have a feeling he’s starting to crave his drama. He’s trying to trigger me. I don’t know what to expect, I’m terrified.

      He was out of my life more than once and I wanted him back but I can honestly say what makes me want him back is money. I feel sick the amount of money he owes me and I can hardly survive without his “rent” so he was like a sickness and I don’t want this ever again. I feel numb. When I see him I feel sick and afraid of his anger and I feel numb and absolutely no love…and I don’t feel hate either. I simply don’t care…. I just want him gone…. is this good? Is this temporary? Have other women felt like this and gone back? How do I get him “out of my house” without him stealing from me, destroying my property, without telling all my neighbours it’s all my fault and I’m a horrible person…he threatens to do it. I was raised to not burden others with this kind of drama. They don’t want to get involved. Ohmgosh! This is him! It’s exactly what he wants me to think and feel!

      18 more days until he’s supposed to be gone. God help me. Thank you for letting me share and for sharing.

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    March 22, 2017

    Hi Strongwind,

    What you have gone through is very painful – big hugs to you.

    I am so pleased you are in this Community and on NARP.

    Strongwind please keep posting and reaching out on the NARP Forum, and please know one wound at a time you truly can heal.

    We are all holding the space with love for you to do so.

    Mel xo

  • AIAMEETING@YAHOO.COM'
    Bria
    March 22, 2017

    Hi Mel,

    I love to hear anyone, I mean anyone can recover and heal at ANY AGE. Why put a limit on ourselves? Whether age, money, education level. Why allow Narc to win?? Release trauma and be a WINNER instead of being a victim. I wish more women would CHOOSE themselves and their own well beings. Choose themselves. Supporting themselves and pursuing their own interests, dreams, hopes and desires.

    Mel, I would love to hear more on self-partnering. How to do be a self-partner to oneself? Breaking down in to simpler steps. Perhaps a real elementary level explanations would be truly helpful here. I recovered from a Narc with your modules. They are GOD sent. 🙂 Lastly, if someone had showed, me to taught me, guided me on “how-to” self-partner. That would have really put me on a FAST TRAC to recovery. I was clueless about self-partnering.

    I am thinking this could be helpful for others as well. Being a guiding light in this area – just might be what someone needs to hear.

    Thanks,
    Bria

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 23, 2017

      Hi Bria,

      Oh yes … our “head” can take us out with all the reasons why we can’t heal – yet the formula is only this – “Release Trauma – replace it with Love and Healing.”

      Bria if you google my name and “self-partnering” you will see there are the resources there about that ..

      Starting with this one: https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/what-is-self-partnering/

      Bria – essentially all self-partnering is, is going towards our emotions instead of away ..

      If you are shifting your trauma you are already doing that! NARP is self-partnering.

      I am so pleased you have done so well with NARP.

      And I agree … you bringing up self-partnering and people reading this comment may be exactly what was needed for them!

      Bless you Dear One,

      Mel xo

  • Ronmic1g@msn.com'
    Michelle
    March 22, 2017

    Hi Mel,
    I’m just in the beginning of FINALLY figuring out what this crazy 11 yr marriage has been about, and why I have been walking around like an empty depleted shell…I have done the research over and over on narcissism trying to convince myself he is not, he absolutely is, I’M still in the beginning of this so some days I wake up feeling defeated and hopeless, then I go back to your site and realise I have to do the work on me, still living with the n there is no easy way out,but I just wanted to Thank you as I begin this journey of recovery. Your email today when you feel to old, lol so me…you keep me going and also knowing he is not gonna take the last fight I have left…Thank you Mel

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 23, 2017

      Hi Michelle,

      My heart goes out to you – it is so painful – yet relieving when we discover why …

      The real truth regardless of who a person is, is this: if they are not growing and two people are not evolving together then there is no healthy relationship.

      Yes we do have to do the work on ourselves. Please know Michelle many people have recovered whilst starting NARP whilst still with the person.

      Please know you can do it, and there is an amazing Community of Thrivers to help you through this.

      You are very welcome Michelle – Big Hugs.

      Mel xo

  • AIAMEETING@YAHOO.COM'
    Bria
    March 22, 2017

    Hi Mel,

    I love to hear that anyone, I mean anyone can recover and heal from Narcs at ANY AGE. Why do women put a limit on ourselves? Don’t put a limit on age, money, education level. Why allow Narc to win?? Release trauma and be a WINNER instead of being a victim. I wish more women would CHOOSE themselves and their own well beings. Choose themselves. Supporting themselves and pursuing their own interests, dreams, hopes and desires.

    Mel, I would love to hear more on self-partnering. How to be a self-partner to oneself? Breaking down self-partnering into simpler steps. Perhaps a real elementary level explanations on self-partnering would be truly helpful here. I recovered from a Narc with your modules. They are GOD sent. It took me 4yrs. to get back on track. Without those modules – I would have still been struggling. ? Lastly, if someone had showed, me to taught me, guided me on “how-to” self-partner with myself. That would have truly put me on a FAST TRAC to recovery. I was clueless about self-partnering.

    I am thinking self-partnering topic could be helpful for others as well. Being a guiding light in this area – just might be what someone needs to hear.

    Thanks,
    Bria

  • vuyokazi.mgoqi@gmail.com'
    Angel
    March 22, 2017

    Its just more than a year later since I was discarded. I never thought I would ever smile again when he discarded me like garbage.
    Buuutt because of people like Melanie who kept on saying “just hang in there, work on your self you will pull through this” Today I am a testimony to that.

    To those who just discovered what they have been put through, please believe them when they say you will get through it because they are telling the truth. It all sounds so unbelievable when you are still in that dark place, spiralling out of control, but you will for as long as you work on yourself. Human spirit is that strong.
    #hugs

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 23, 2017

      Hi Angel,

      thank you for your lovely comment to help encourage others.

      We do make it – because our soul is supposed to!

      Mel xo

  • Tthomps2005@yahoo.com'
    Tami Thompson
    March 22, 2017

    EMDR therapy has helped me tremendously, this therapy has been used on soldiers with PTSD. Google it and find a therapist that practices it. It’s was a life saver for me.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 23, 2017

      Hi Tami,

      thank you for your post.

      I am so pleased for you that you are out of PTSD – that is s important.

      EMDR was helpful for me – I had tried it as well as EFT, Body Talk and a list of other subconscious trauma release techniques – however it did not get to my deeper generational, epigenetic survival programs that were holding chronic conditions like agoraphobia in place.

      It also didn’t have the Higher Self component totally necessary for reprogramming much of my codependency issues, that had unfortunately had me assigning narcissists as my source rather than growing up my wounded parts healthily to become a solid, whole Inner Identity Source to myself.

      For me, and many others in this Community who had previously tried EMDR a more complete solution turned out to be Quanta Freedom Healing, as well as completely healing PTSD, adrenal malfunctions and even fibromyalgia and other physical disorders.

      Mel xo

  • yvonnekraeher@verizon.net'
    Bhakti
    March 22, 2017

    Mel:

    I’ve been following you for a few months now. I completed one of your free 20 min quantum sessions,which looking back on now can say changed my life.

    Exactly one month ago I blew up my life. I just had had enough abuse. It wasn’t really anything at that particular moment but a combination of EVERYTHING that made me walk out of the door of my home of 28 years and my marriage of 33 years with just the clothes on my back. I went back 2 days with a police escort grabbed a few trash bags full of personal belongings (as much as I could gather in 20 minutes) then spent the next few days living out of the back of my car until I figured out what to do.

    I am now settled in a new home which is filled with LOVE (no furniture), however when I open the door I feel safe and at peace. Just wanted to thank you for your last posting. I’m well into middle age and I do think I handed the best years of my life to a man who emotionally abused me each and every day until one day he violently grabbed me around the neck and tried to toss me outside as if I were nothing but garbage. He later recanted about “wanting to get rid of me at that moment” and tried to dance his way around the physical act of abuse. After hearing your episode I am hopeful that I have made space in my life for people and activities that bring out the best in me. I’m taking one day at a time and noticing the miracles !

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 23, 2017

      Hi Bhakti,

      I am so pleased that you are a part of this Community and that my healing helped you!

      That is so wonderful you honoured you and left and I wish you all the joy, love and miracle that you truly deserve.

      Age is only a number – what is Life and Living is our state of Being Now.

      Bless you for your courage and thank you for posting and inspiring others!

      Mel xo

  • anna_elina@luukku.com'
    A.E.
    March 23, 2017

    Just last week I found this website, it feels heaven sent!
    What causes me even more pain regarding my ex “Mr. N” is not only how bad he was, but how wonderful and loving he was! It’s heart-breaking, I was 38 years old and this was my first real boyfriend ever. Now the word “real” feels ironic.
    We were walking our dogs outside together, he held my hand, he hugged me, he kissed me, he was a gentleman and opened doors and carried my bags, all this cute “boyfriend stuff”. It is painful to think, wasn’t any of this “real”? I feel dizzy, not knowing what is actually “real” anymore!

    But now I think and started to feel more empowered: For example the physical sensation, that it felt good if we were walking hand in hand…in that moment, it was real for ME. I felt happy, it is me who is feeling my feelings, so for me it was a genuine experience. Same like if I watch a movie, the actors are not responsible how I feel. So I started to feel more empowered and less in pain; I want to “own” my own feelings and own experience!

    I have suffered very much. And I’m fed up feeling myself a victim. I thought: If you walk in forest and see a lion, it does not hesitate to attack you, because…it is a lion. That’s what they are supposed to do. Same with horses, sometimes they have seemingly silly reactions…but it is because they follow different instincts than us humans. So I thought, similarly a narcissist is “wired” to be narcissist. I thought, feeling more empowered, if someone, in the end, is a real victim, it is he! He is the victim of his own mind and can never escape that! I was able to feel more peace of mind, when I accept that “it is what it is”. By the way, I have nothing to do with him anymore. Of course, momentarily I feel sad because I have lost my “sweet boyfriend”.
    He was very good “targeting” me at my weakest spots and deepest fears. Now when I’m doing my own inner healing work, he doesn’t know, that unknowingly he has actually helped me very much, by being a “secret detective” and bring to my awareness all this unhealed stuff that I need to heal in me. That is something I can even be genuinely grateful for him (but of course, I will not say it to him!). Because of all this experience, I will become a better and healthier person and that is my best “revenge” for him! 😉

    PS. If a man is lying, using rude language and is disrespecting, that it itself is a valid reason to end a relationship, even if the man would be “normal” and not mentally ill. Uff, I should have understood this already like 20 years ago!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 23, 2017

      Hi A.E.,

      it can be very tricky when connected with an Altruistic Narcissist … and it is so great that you are honouring and healing you.

      If you have not read this article – this will be what you have been experiencing … https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/is-the-narcissist-capable-of-loving/

      You are so on the right track A.E. … and this is the blessed time now for you to heal.

      I promise you, you will not know yourself out the other side, in the best possible way … it is your time.

      Mel xo

  • aklumpke@earthlink.net'
    Constance Payne
    March 23, 2017

    This blog was excellent….I am just starting the Silver Package program today…I listened to the free Webnair and only had time to get through 1/2 of it and did just one visualization….I have been a very pragmatic person…raised by a clinical psychologist…very suspicious of meditation and other spiritual practices though somewhere in myself I believed in this). I could not believe the instant relief I felt after trying the visualization..it was extremely cathartic…many tears….the moments I felt were so real as were the images that came up in my mind…Thus, I purchased the Silver Program…I do not feel a need to share my story at this time essentially because everything I have read and all the videos that Melanie has posted are the same story as mine, just different in incidents of horrific abuse. I was attracted to this program because deep within I know though I wished for “revenge” on those who have wronged me, I know nothing ever comes from vengefulness and anger….one is always poisoning themselves rather than the person it is directed at. Though I have been abused, it is something I could never visit on someone else, I believe that distribution of retribution is in a higher powers hands, not mine. I look forward to healing so I can offer to the outward world the beauty and love I try to exhibit in my work, which is a true reflection of what I know I am at my core. God Bless all of you in your journey.
    Griff girl

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 23, 2017

      Hi Constance,

      I am so pleased you connected into you in the Webinar … and it is wonderful that you are now a NARP Member, and that you now are going to heal from the inside, and Be the Glow and Love that you are.

      Bless you Dear Lady 🙂

      Mel xo

  • svnaimool@hotmail.com'
    Sherice
    March 23, 2017

    My mom is 74 years old and she lived with my Narc and I for 4 years. She too was a victim of him and sadly still is. I am doing the inner work on myself and I am up leveling and I feel the difference.

    She is in denial about what has happened to her and I know she believes that she is too old to change her life but I believe otherwise. I love her regardless but these testimonies have enlightened me and renewed my faith and hope and I am definitely going to put this thriver episode on the big screen with the speakers on so that she could casually hear the truth!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 23, 2017

      Hi Sherice,

      That is great that you are healing – and also know that you can heal inside you the frustration of “Mum not healing” and bring in the feeling of her being “whole and happy” and THAT is the most powerful way you will see her shift before your eyes.

      IF it her soul’s time and journey to do so.

      That is another shift you may need to do, to accept and be at peace with “no set outcome”.

      I promise you Sherice the most powerful way you can help her, is toward on your own Inner Being in regard to how you see and feel her.

      Its Quantum Law – so within so without – that is where the power is.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • mahoneyreport@aol.com'
    Jeannie Mahoney
    March 23, 2017

    Hello Melanie,

    How I love this Thriver segment. It sings to me loud and clear! I’m 66 years old and though I’ve always known deep in my soul that I have what it takes to be my best SELF, there are often spells in my life during which I’m frozen in anxiety and fear about everything. I’m currently in one such state, due to yet another loss in my life — my career position from which I was suddenly laid off due to a company reorganization. Unemployed — that’s what I am. That was 3 days ago, and I urgently need to find myself again, because I’m quickly devolving into reliving and recalling my severe losses from my N relationship. I don’t want to be consumed by it all.

    I was actively involved with a N abuser almost 3 years, 34 months to be exact. I lost everything like Dot did — my Self, my money, and my mind. But I had a good job that paid well where I was highly valued by my company. With your NARP program which I’ve been using since December 2016, I felt like I was on my way to putting behind, once and for all, my N trauma. To date, I’ve been able to go 8 weeks with NO CONTACT. Though pleased with myself about this, I’m fearful of all manner of new “worries,” from the loss of my job, medical benefits, etc. I need to go deeper inward, but frankly, I’m tired… really tired!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 23, 2017

      Hi Jeannie,

      I am so pleased you love it!

      Jeannie this is a time when you know what to do – DIG DEEP …

      Meaning to go in and shift the trauma of what has just happened and release yourself to a new freedom on it … and then the “space” is there for miracle, inspiration, offers, opportunity.

      You’ve got this – you have NARP and you know how it works …

      I know you can do this and I hold the space with love for you to do so.

      As I say in my episodes “What else is there to do?”

      Mel xo

  • Magnificure@gmail.com'
    Charlene
    March 23, 2017

    Hi I am 51 yrs old and I have say that most of my significant relationships have been with Narcs beginning with my abusive father, I was married to one for 13 yrs and just last year got out of the final one after 5 years…this one near,y destroyed me in so many ways I wanted and wished for death…God really has come through fo me in ways I could never have imagined. I used to think I was so damaged, I was put into foster care at 9 and ended up on the streets in a big city I was a runaway from sexual and physical abuse only to experience and even more evil and insidious life. My entire life has been of abuse…so yes I had all but given up on myself. After finding this community it has been a God send and this particular webinar I needed to hear. Thank you I struggle like crazy to break through this bondage but a year later I really a, song much better. I would like to work with girls and women who have been victims of sexual trade and human traffickimf, having lives it, I so believe I am make a difference. This has not all been for nothing,

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 23, 2017

      Hi Charlene,

      It is so true that your soul plan has not been for nothing .. and please know there are so many people within this Community who are Thriving NARPers who had never experienced anything other than abuse – their entire Life.

      Sending blessings and healing energy your way Dear Soul to release your trauma and shine the Light that you really are.

      Mel xo

    • valpal@rogers.com'
      Valerie Palmer
      July 16, 2017

      Charlene, good to read your post. I am 73 and have profound hearing loss since early childhood. This has complicated my life as ‘perhaps I did/do
      not HEAR correctly” so have enormous SELF DOUBT. Married for 14 years, divorced in early 80’s, have had several other narcs in my life. Like you I had a terrible childhood. The biggest loss, was losing my darling son 4 years old, after that I left my marriage,I was married for 14 years, divorced 1980, I always blamed myself for everything. I suspect that my former husband is a sociopath, also a an extremely covert narc. His lack of emotions still haunt me. My main problem at this moment in time is the emotional abuse that I am now receiving from my two adult boys 48 and 50. Grandchildren are involved and it is heartbreaking that I must ‘go no contact’ and perhaps never be able to visit them. I am in Canada and they live in Australia. At some deep level I know that the Universe has led me to Mel. When i took the first free workshop I felt a shift, and so I purchased the Gold Narp. Once again the Module 1 bought me much peace for 2 months until my 48 son became abusive…. I have fallen back into the hole of despair once again. I am fearful and unsure, filled with self doubts about my ability to navigate my seniors years. I live alone and the empty and extreme lonely feeling today are overwhelming. Last night I tried to do Module 1 again but was too distressed to finish. I am not computer savvy and have great difficulties with the computer. When I read these words I see that I have once again become the victim!!! Must do the work and try again.

  • winespell@gmail.com'
    Deborah Bennett
    March 23, 2017

    Melanie, you are such an inspiration and a role model to meto me. You’re having the courage to show up authentically and just be you. And you really, Really care.

  • anna_elina@luukku.com'
    A.E.
    March 23, 2017

    I know I should focus on my healing and that’s what I want to do, and not to becoming a “narcissism expert”. But something is bothering me and I’m also just curious, could you Melanie answer to this?

    This my ex, why he was just a couple of months very nice and wonderful towards me and then the craziness began…He has a daughter and is a very good father (one of things that made me fall in love and trust him!). I think his daughter, mother etc. family members are blissfully unaware that he is a narcissist, even if they have known him his whole life. If they would know how horribly he treated me, they probably wouldn’t believe! They (just like him) would probably accuse me being the bad person, who is triggering their “good boy” to behave badly.

    Aren’t family members “narcissistic supply” also? Why he was able to “wear the mask” with me only a very limited time, but has been behaving consistently kindly and humanely with for example his daughter her whole life? I feel he loves and cares for her for real, could it be that a narcissist is sometimes able to feel something real and humane? What explains this phenomena? I’m confused!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 23, 2017

      Hi A.E.

      The real and total truth on this A.E. is always this – when we are focused outwards wondering “why”, we have a young inner unhealed wound triggering us that is NOT feeling whole on that topic, because it has assigned the narcissist as the provider of what it is missing out on.

      That inner part needs us to go inwards and heal it and stop holding the narcissist responsible for it – subconsciously (hence the on-going obsession that never gets appeased.)

      What is important is what played out with YOU …

      The love he grants to her is the love that you are not granting to you – like all of us – we had not been a whole source of love and approval to ourselves and that is what needs to heal.

      The love he grants her that YOU see is what hurts you … because this is all about you going inwards to your Inner Child who not only felt unloved and unapproved of by him – but also carries original wounds regarding that from your childhood.

      Also, what is very likely is that original caretakers in your Life put more love and attention into others or someone else than you – this is the wound he is showing you “Others are more important than me” “Other people deserve attention and love but I don’t” ..

      When you go inwards after tracking this trauma through to its REAL reasoning heal it – then you will have no obsession about him at all … including how he is with others.

      Trying to resolve it by making it about him truly sweetheart is “Wrong Town” – there is no healing and emancipation in that.

      It was never about the N”s – they are only a huge mirror rejecting to us our wounds – the ONLY power and relief is in healing self.

      I hope this helps and you understand.

      Mel xo

      • anna_elina@luukku.com'
        A.E.
        March 24, 2017

        Thank you Melanie, you are incredibly wise and a guardian angel!
        I got goosebumps when reading your words, all you write is so true, I can see it now! I think I have this wounding “other people deserve love and respect, but I don’t, because I’m inferior and not perfect”. Ouch.

        It’s easy to see things clearly afterwards. Now when I come to think about it, how do I even know for sure how good or real his relationship with his daughter really was. I don’t! Actually, now I think he was talking about her excessively. All of that might have even been some disgusting “triangulation technique”. But it doesn’t matter anymore.

        The most painful thing has been to let go of this dream of him as my “soulmate” and our lovely future together. That’s why I hold on so tight so long.
        Well-meaning relationships experts said it’s normal to have ups and downs in relationship, but I was innocently inexperienced…I see now, that if I feel (metaphorically speaking) I’m in a relationship with a werewolf and I’m scared when he will again leave his “human form”…uff, that’s far from normal anymore!!

        At one point I even went to church and prayed sooo hard to have “success” with this relationship, he was so special to me, this memory brings tears into my eyes. I feel myself so fool now.

        It also makes me sad, normal ex-lovers might sometimes stay “just friends”, even meet sometimes for a lunch etc. But with this person, I can never ever do such things anymore. Or sure I “could” but what would be the point? Sit and pretend all is ok, that would make me a similar fake and an actor like he is!

        This week I will start the NARP program! This question of this article, do you feel too old to recover…I’m now 41 years old, maybe I still have time even to get an own family. Melanie you came into my life just at the perfect moment. Thank you so much of this wonderful work you do!! <3

        • annakulpa@hotmail.com'
          Anna
          April 20, 2017

          Hello AE,
          Your story sounds so familiar. My ex appears to be so caring and kind towards his ex – she seems to adore him & get on with him too. It compounds my I’ve long feelings that others are far superior. I get angry and want to out smart him. Ending the relationship was partly from a healthy instinct for self preservation and good boundaries. But also the unhealthy idea that it would be some revenge for his attention towards her. I was also trying to imitate her – she is aloof, so I thought if I was the same, he would love me more :-\
          You are 41, I am going to be 50 soon, & feel like I’ve thrown many of life’s opportunities away, so I encourage you to go for it. I too know there’s no choice but to keep reading the blog and getting away from my delusions and trying to fathom him out. At least I’m stopping ‘ banging my head against a brick wall’.
          Good luck with your healing journey, thanks for sharing…It helps
          Best
          Anna

          • annakulpa@hotmail.com'
            Anna
            April 20, 2017

            P.s. the excessive talking and triangulation thing sounds familiar, but like you said, it doesn’t matter any more…The focus has to be on the inside…

  • sue.jensen@hotmail.com'
    Sue
    March 23, 2017

    I was married 23 years to a very powerful narc. who was a politician and used his position to manipulate and control my life especially after I left. He bled me dry financially for over 3 years through lawyers to the point where I had to accept his terms of settlement and had to financially start again at 53. I lost my children to him because I couldn’t afford to keep them and became homeless and he still tries to get to me through them, I have started a new life. I was once outgoing and confident and am starting to find myself again. I have an uphill battle of trying to get a job, even though I have degrees, a woman over 50 is invisible in the workforce. I have started studying to become a Counsellor to work with women and children and I have met a wonderful man and we are engaged. I want to write a book on how my life has gone from politics to poverty and how a narcissist will ruin your life if you let him. Our laws and juidicial system allow these people to thrive…nobody knew how to stop my ex. and I was a lamb to the slaughter! Even though he had a high profile the media wouldn’t touch my story and because he had the power, he had all the rights! I came across MTE and the Thriver program and it saved my life! I never knew what a narc. was before then! Thank you Melanie for making me realise I am not alone.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 23, 2017

      Hi Sue,

      your journey is amazing …

      I am so pleased you broke free, are resurrecting your Life, and you are now with a wonderful man, and studying to pursue a life passion and mission.

      A book would be wonderful!!!

      You certainly are not alone Dear Lady.

      Mel xo

    • julietbutler@yahoo.co.uk'
      Juliet
      March 29, 2017

      Hi Sue,
      your story sounds similar to mine in that I was married to a narc for 20 years. He was actually diagnosed as a psychopath by a psychiatrist when we went for individual counselling (the psychiatrist told me but not him of course!) I lost all my money to my second narc husband who moved into my house, mortgaged it to the hilt with his failing businesses before he went bankrupt and then left me and moved in with another vulnerable woman who had been previously abused by her husband. Surprise, surprise. I was homeless too (still am.) I’m 57 and also writing a novel based on my experiences. I find the other novels I’ve read about domestic abuse just haven’t hit the mark because the authors researched rather than lived through the abuse. Have you started writing yours? Perhaps we can share writing tips? At least yours will have a happy ending…I’m so pleased you met a wonderful man. xx

  • pauline.burke68@gmail.com'
    Pauline Margaret Burke
    March 23, 2017

    Thank you again Melanie! Every time I get the breakdown before the breakthrough, it’s like amnesia hits and I think; ‘I’m just no good at this healing thing’. BUT…I push my sabotaging ego into the back seat and keep NARPING anyway, even when it feels like I am going to die of the pain. It’s definitely not a linear journey. I’m 48 by the way. Then, just as it seems all is lost, breakthrough happens; not completely or forever, but a good step in the right direction, and some relief. I have got to my core wounds, so deep that I know they come from many lifetimes, and I am facing what feel like literally deadly terrors, as well as moving closer to letting go of needing any external outcomes, validation, approval, or permission to be myself.
    Just a nice example. I spoke to someone for the first time in my life a few weeks ago about a dream I’d always had that seemed silly and impossible, especially at my age. Only as I said it did I realise how much it has been in my heart for so long; my dream is to be a backing singer in a soul band, with that wonderful harmony and simple yet sexy choreography , as well as being part of a team united by music, which is my absolute passion. I’m a classically-trained pianist but always knew it was not my calling; however, it has enabled me to develop a very keen ear and good voice (can’t believe I’m saying nice things about myself and not feeling guilty!), and I am also a trained dancer so I can move my stuff to the beat 😉
    Guess what? This morning I was contacted by an ex-colleague asking me to join his soul band as a backing vocalist. It may not work out like I imagine, but unlike what I would have done even months ago, I said ‘Sounds great! I’d love to give it a try’. I sent my dream out into the universe, and it is manifesting right before my eyes.
    Still a long way to go on my journey, but sending much gratitude again Melanie, and let’s all keep on NARPing, because there is nothing else to do…at any age!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 23, 2017

      Hi Pauline,

      you are so welcome.

      I totally understand how that “ego thing” can keep trying to derail us … and as a suggestion rather than pushing it to the background, maybe try targeting your ego directly ….that made a massive difference for myself and has many others.

      When it crops up to try to sabotage, collapse deeply into THAT in your shifts – and even if you don’t get information about what “it is” be with the ego feeling (the block) and load up and spiral it out.

      That literally sends your pain body “away” … and frees you from it.

      I SO agree that deep trauma survival programs are responsible for so much pain – but the great thing is we now have the tool to evolve ourselves beyond them.

      I love you dream and idea, and from where I sit I KNOW you are the prefect combo to be a wonderful success as a back up singer!!!

      So exciting – you go girl!!!

      (Send in some photos!!!)

      What a gorgeous manifestation 🙂

      I am so happy for you Pauline … keep going!!! There is nothing else to do if we want an ever expanding joyous life.

      Mel xo

      • pauline.burke68@gmail.com'
        Pauline Margaret Burke
        March 24, 2017

        You are so welcome Melanie, and I am so grateful for the helpful advice about targeting the ego and the blocks instead of trying to push them aside. I can actually feel the ego and the blocks in my body while I’m NARPing, so yes, you are right, they need to be faced and I need to go right into them, despite being terrified.
        LOL!! If this backing singer thing does come off I will do a shift on my block with technology so I can upload some pictures… XOXO

  • anki_linnerheim@hotmail.com'
    Anki
    March 23, 2017

    Hi angel Melanie!

    After watching this episode I can not even begin to describe all the feelings of joy, amazement and gratitude I have towards you, life and myself!!

    5 months ago I found you and watched your videos for the first time. What happened inside me then, and the journey I have been on since that day is a true miracle!
    From watching my first ever Mel-video crying my eyes out sitting on a bench in the dark outside and feeling absolutely NO contact with myself, without a voice or anything inside me left, thinking I was dead and beyond repair…I now sit here watching this episode hearing and seeing you talk about ME as the true Thriver I have become!!
    I am SO beyond finding the words to describe how happy I am to have found you Mel and your NARP-program! ❤❤❤

    Thank you sweet darling you for this, and all the love in the world to you and all others reading!

    Hugs,
    Anki

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 24, 2017

      Hi Anki,

      You are such a darling angel yourself!

      I am so thrilled sweetheart that you are Thriving as you are – and that I have the absolute joy to share your incredible story with this Community.

      So much love to you and keep shining angel.

      Mel xo

  • myriadproductionltd@yahoo.co.uk'
    Connie
    March 24, 2017

    Hi Mel,

    Thanks so much for this!

    I have a question which I hope you can help me with. I’ve been on NARP recovery for some time and it has worked wonders for me in so many ways. Unfortunately just at the point when I was planning to go no contact my Narc father pressed the catastrophe button and since then I’ve felt unable to get away as I feel I have to support my (previously estranged, but now wide awake) brother sort out his and my mother’s devastating mess. As the months have gone by I’ve found myself more and more triggered and hurt in spite of moduling and I’ve got the stage where I frequently feel suicidal, with no end in sight. I’ve been offered anti depressants by the doctor. Will these affect my up levelling? I feel I’ve got to help myself break the negative thought cycle and it’s just got beyond me. Your advice would be greatly appreciated.

    Connie x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 24, 2017

      Hi Connie,

      you are so welcome!

      Connie, are you in the NARP Forum, because without knowing your specific triggers and how to coach you – it is a little hard to guide you – which myself and the Senior Thriver / Moderators would love to do.

      This I do know – our greatest breakdowns … when we fully find them inside us and release them, create our greatest breakthroughs.

      You can still do shifts on medication, and if you really feel you need it as a bridge I would never suggest not to.

      I’d love you to reach out Connie in the NARP Forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member where we can support your and coach you intricately (which is what you need) at this time.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • rainboe7@yahoo.com.au'
    Judy
    March 24, 2017

    Hello Melanie

    I just tried to add my email details to join your newsletter.. and it denied me .. ? said ”access denied” .. can you please help.

  • tuuliturtola@hotmail.com'
    Julia
    March 25, 2017

    Hi Melanie!
    After about 2,5 years of relationship I have been able to end it. At first I thought my boyfriend was just over-reactive and with a “difficult character” but when I read your articles I get so many sad aha-moments. I got an “existential crisis”, is it ME who is the narcissist? But after some days I was able to calm down and think: Do I enjoy to lie and mislead people and enjoy when they suffer because of me? Good heavens, NEVER!
    I was thinking, if (and when) narcissists always “mirror” some unhealthy/unhealed parts of us…why narcissists simply do not attract other narcissists and have relationships with them?! Wouldn’t that be a “perfect match”?!
    I was also thinking, are there different “levels” of narcissism ( I don’t mean traits but in the disorder)? Or if someone is n, then he is and and that’s that then…that there’s no hope (of ever having a normal relationship or even a normal conversation with them)?
    I read with horror other women’s stories…and was thinking, and I may be naive now, because luckily I was able to end my relationship early on, when I started to notice the first signs of “weirdness”…so I don’t know how much more bad he would have become if we would have continued the relationship. But despite that after the “honeymoon” he already started to show narcissistic behaviour, he never tried to harm or hurt me physically (I doubt he would ever do such things). And he never took advantage of me financially. Sometimes I even offered to pay in restaurant or gasoline etc., but he never accepted or asked any money from me. Are some narcissists even more bad than others?

  • julietbutler@yahoo.co.uk'
    Juliet
    March 29, 2017

    Hi Melanie – what a fascinating video on why the narcissist is so attractive. I know we’re all supposed to be attracted to our father (mine was a narc and mum a co-dependent) but I TOTALLY thought that my first husband was the opposite of him, and then when he died, that my second husband was the opposite of both of them and THEN that the third narc, following my divorce, couldn’t be more different than all of them… But thanks to NARP it’s all become so crystal clear that they were all following EXACTLY the same narc pattern as my dad. What an eye-opener. Narcs come in so many different forms but do exactly the same thing, because I have always chosen them and let them abuse me.

    I ended up after three years with my narc lover at rock bottom and at a stage when my life was in danger through stress and depression, but despite that, and despite having done Module 1 and repeating it in my mind every day, those pesky peptides of mine keep drawing my mind back to narc no. 3. I’m 57 and have been with narcs for all of those 57 years but I am turning all that around thanks to you and becoming a Thriver.

    I just can’t wait until my latest narc is a slug on the pavement!

  • valerieAwedel@gmail.com'
    Valerie
    April 2, 2017

    As a 50-something starting over professionally I love this one! Have been tweaking mod 11 for a while now, and had started my own company in 2015 which was heading in a good direction. But then got hit by a car and torn up. So 2016 ended up being all about physical healing. So now, starting over again! Love that line: as long as you’re still breathing…

    Onward and upward:)

    As always, Thanks and love you, Mel

    ps, meeting the nicest people. wow!

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