Melanie Tonia Evans

Why Grey Rock Alone Won’t Keep You Safe From Narcissists

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 4
37
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

If you have asked for help on the internet or read articles on how to deal with a narcissist, chances are you have heard of the The Grey Rock Method.

If you haven’t heard of it, the Grey Rock Method involves switching off, showing no emotion and providing nothing that attracts a narcissist into granting energy back – by us becoming so boring and lifeless to the narcissist that they simply don’t see us as a source of supply any more.

Using the Grey Rock method is intended to help us reach the biggest goal we have with a narcissist, which is to detach and get well … mentally, emotionally, physically and financially.

But often detaching and offering up “no energy”, to cut off narcissistic supply to narcissist, isn’t enough for us to get there …

Why not?

Because we may not have realized just how deep the chords with a narcissist run between us and them.

True disconnection to a narcissist is not a logical or even a physical act … it is in fact a deep Inner Game that gets us there.

Tune in to this Thriver Tv episode to find out exactly what this Inner Game is, and how to activate true Quantum Detachment.

Due to the overwhelming support and positive feedback we have had about Thriver TV, we have decided to step things up a notch …

We are very happy to announce that we are going to be bringing you two new videos each and every week!

We honestly can’t thank you enough here at MTE for your support and positive energy as we have built this channel over the last year and a half.

Please continue to comment and like our videos, and if you know someone who would benefit from the information – please share my videos with them.

We are all in this mission together to heal the world from narcissistic abuse, one person at a time.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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37 Thoughts on Why Grey Rock Alone Won’t Keep You Safe From Narcissists
  • winespell@gmail.com'
    Deborah Bennett
    March 24, 2017

    Melanie, you are increasingly coming more and more into your own and getting more and more powerful by the day. You are speaking the truth in a clear, unequivocal way and making a powerful stand against Narcissists suckling the life force energy from their victims.

    Grey rock and detaching emotionally is doing something in response to the Narcissist, and anything in response to them… even turning off one’s emotions… is all they need to feel validated and powerful and to continue feeding off of you.

    Healing our inner wounds through your Quanta Freedom Healing method is the only way to break the cycle of narcissist abuse and their feeding off of you for Narcissistic supply. Once you are healed from within, there is nothing left for them to hook in to, and the Narcissist simply disappears forever.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 24, 2017

      Hi Deborah,

      thank you for your lovely words.

      It is so true – reaction is about still feeding energy.

      You have named this perfectly!

      I am so pleased that you have stepped into Thriving from the inside out, and truly detoxing for real 🙂

      Bless you!

      Mel xo

  • mallen22@hotmail.com'
    Megan
    March 24, 2017

    I have tried this Grey Rock method – snuffing out my life force and my being – as a chid. This is not effective and it is really sad to experience dulling yourself and still being shafted no matter what. I agree with what Melanie is saying fully and completely.

    • mallen22@hotmail.com'
      Megan
      March 24, 2017

      “as a chiLd”

      🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 24, 2017

      Hi Megan,

      that is so true … dulling out and still being attacked happens a lot …

      Mel xo

  • Divinions@outlook.com'
    Jennifer
    March 24, 2017

    What you said Tonia, is absolutely true. I tried everything including this method named above, Grey Rock, unknowingly what it was. It seemed logical to remove my emotions, so I tried. No doubt, after 2 weeks, I was always in worse shape than before. My husband merely found new ways to hurt me, including shifting his passive aggressive behaviors towards my children. I always caved, and the cycle repeated. It’s impossible to use grey rock alone, unless perhaps the abuser is in deep recovery themselves, for the victims… Lol, yeah, like that would ever happen. 😛 thanks so much, I just signed up for your starter packet<3

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    March 24, 2017

    Hi Jennifer,

    I am so please this made sense to you and that you have signed up for my free resources.

    Wishing you many blessings and healing.

    Mel xo

  • jennifermchase@yahoo.com'
    Jeffifer
    March 24, 2017

    I can attest to the psychic vampire issue with Ns. With the healing of the inner wounds it can be stopped. Thanks for the video, Melanie. As always you are sharing very helpful information for those who have had the experience.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 25, 2017

      Hi Jeffifer,

      it is SO true!

      Thank you 🙂

      Please know Jeffifer, you are so welcome.

      Mel xo

  • mahoneyreport@aol.com'
    Jeannie Mahoney
    March 24, 2017

    The concept of Grey Rock is common and familiar, though the term itself is something I’d never heard of until I read your email. Shutting down has never worked for me, though I’ve employed it many times with all classes and types of people, whether an insufferable boss or an indiffierent family member. I agree with you that besides choosing to shut down and making yourself disappear into the background, one should also reap a benefit from it, which is not only peace and quiet, but also true personal growth. At the end of the day, Grey Rock is but a Band-Aid. Choosing inner healing is best.

  • Jackiemarten@btinternet.com'
    Jackie Marten
    March 24, 2017

    Once again , you have hit the nail on the head.My problem in healing within however is that my narcissistic ex husband really did a proper job and ensured I must really suffer. He turned my two daughters against me with lies , bullying and mockery of me. They are both over 18 now and know in their hearts I am and was a great mum to them. But now they side with him and ignore me and their autistic sister. I Grey rock my husband happily but he has left his legacy and endured I continue to suffer through the parental alienation situation he has so skilfully created.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 25, 2017

      Hi Jackie,

      I am so sorry you have been through that – sending big hugs and healing.

      I have Jackie, seen incredible shifts and even reunited parents with children when we heal the trauma inside us … regarding the narcissists and regarding what has happened with our children.

      I believe that bond of love and reuniting is possible.

      Mel xo

  • clearlight@talk21.com'
    sarah
    March 24, 2017

    Thanks, this is a good reminder Melanie. I have done so much inner work, but as long as part of me still feels angry and blames them, I am still giving them power, even tho its been nearly 7 yrs since I had any contact with them.

  • nicopopliceanu@yahoo.com'
    Nicoleta
    March 24, 2017

    It makes sense. Healing on all levels is so important.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 25, 2017

      Hi Nicoleta,

      Yes .. agreed 🙂

      And so necessary with N-abuse … our entire life is at stake.

      Mel xo

  • annpowerwriting@gmail.com'
    Sophie
    March 25, 2017

    Dear Mel,
    Thank you once again. I was thrilled to see this topic in my video list today!!
    I recently tried to Grey Rock, and was absolutely still experiencing the same trauma internally. I reasoned that my Grey Rock-ing was helping me lay boundaries in a calm manner, and as I was still not fully accepting that he is a Narc, part of me was hoping he’d hear me in a new way, and be kind. As I’ve written to you before, my cognitive dissonance about the entire experience has been so painful. Not being able to trust myself or see clearly made me feel crazy.

    My faux-Grey Rocking was still a good exercise for Me as far as calmly articulating some needs I had, it’s just that (a) it doesn’t “work” with a Narcissist, because they don’t care about our boundaries or our growth, they only care about our usefulness as supply, and (b) I was still traumatised and hooked, despite my calm exterior. Within days he smashed me again — in a surprise attack, within HOURS of hoovering (his hoovering was to give the impression he had digested my boundary as was coming around). I now see that he was angry that I was starting to question him, that I wasn’t so quick to give him supply. If I had been healthy, his smashing wouldn’t have been a surprise at all.

    As is common, this discard/smash sent me right out of my body in complete trauma. A few days later, I began to do quanta healing sessions, one of which was the most powerful thing I’ve ever experienced — I literally felt poison leaving my body. Within six days of his discard, I experienced the resolution of my cognitive dissonance. Mel, I cannot put into words what this acceptance has done regarding my hook to him. The hook is gone. Yes, I am still traumatised because of the beliefs I hold about myself, and there is still *grief*, *related* to my experiences with him. But it’s no longer a pining, a longing, a confusion. The confusion is GONE. I see fully, and accept fully, what he is. It horrifies me, actually, and I know I have work to do within me, to build my self-esteem, and my life.

    For the first time, I know that he is not getting energy from me psychically, because I am no longer obsessed with him, pining or angry, truly. I am focused on me. As far as he is concerned, I am an empty carcass, there is nothing left to feed on. And this realization does not make me sad; it makes me relieved, and it kind of makes me shrug. I no longer have the disbelief / obsession of “I can’t believe you don’t care about me!” He doesn’t. And I’m finally accepting of that.
    So YES, Grey Rock-ing for REAL has to come about by healing. It can’t be a tactic, white-knuckling through it. He called my bluff 🙂 But I am glad his latest discard further propelled me to the healing sessions, which I am now committed to more than ever.

    I’m sorry for the long message!! I just wanted to express my deepest gratitude for this latest piece, and for all the help you provide to the community. I am so thankful too, to the others who comment and share on here, because I learn things by reading about their experiences / comments as well. It gives me hope and strength, which is sorely needed. Thank you, Mel, and everyone in this community.

    With Love,
    Sophie

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 25, 2017

      Hi Sophie,

      You are so welcome and I am so pleased you enjoyed this episode!

      Gosh you nailed these points so powerful: (a) it doesn’t “work” with a Narcissist, because they don’t care about our boundaries or our growth, they only care about our usefulness as supply, and (b) I was still traumatised and hooked, despite my calm exterior.

      I am so pleased that working with NARP and Quanta Freedom Healing allowed you to release the trauma to “see” clearly.

      (Which is what does happen when we clean out from the inside …. The brain follows the body).

      How beautiful Sophie that you have done Grey Rock for real – and are breaking free to be your True Self and enjoy your True Life.

      You should be very proud and we all cheer for you here 🙂

      Sophie your message was wonderful, not too long at all and I enjoyed reading every bit of it.

      Bless you dear lady, with tons of love.

      Mel xo

  • Mlwieber@gmail.com'
    ML
    March 25, 2017

    Sharing 50/50 custody with NPD means no-contact not possible. The NPD is keeping the children out of school for attention only. The children love not having to go to school. It’s fun when you’re 9 & 12 to go to Disney instead. Now the children are failing school because so many absences. In Florida if a parent calls in the absence, it is marked excused. 90 absences is the alarm limit. The children have 62 and 6 more weeks of school. How can I be a grey rock when my children suffer & are being sabotaged by the NPD??

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 25, 2017

      Hi ML,

      I have created many publication on co-parenting and our children, that if you google my name + those subjects you will find them.

      There is great deal about this subject in those resources, and I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      • nataliecunigan@gmail.com'
        Natalie
        March 29, 2017

        Thanks for sharing.MORE INFORMATION Please

  • Devipine1@gmail.com'
    Devi
    March 25, 2017

    I survived death by my narcissistic husband.. You are telling women they will never heal unless they buy your program. I think that is victimizing the women all over again. You yourself have said we are left economically broken, yet dangle your method as the only hope. I believed in what you were saying until your sales pitch which I found to be narcissistic.

    • angelaboushel@hotmail.com'
      Angela
      March 25, 2017

      Hi Devi. Im really sorry you suffered so much. Just wanted to say that when I first came across Narp and Mel I too was deeply suspicious. …..but curious. I was sick of surviving. This is not a sales pitch….just my experience. Melanie offers the introductory webinar for FREE. This can take nearly one month of daily emails, contact within a closed monitored and skilfully led facebook group which supports ALL individual experiences through a variety of exchanges. You have nothing to lose and not a cent to pay for the intro and there is no hard sell if you choose not to continue. But there are results. I hope you can enjoy a little support if you choose to sign up. It’s certainly helped me to step up (like this) and to trust more. Best wishes. A

      • nataliecunigan@gmail.com'
        Natalie
        March 29, 2017

        HELP PLEASE

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 25, 2017

      Hi Devi,

      what you would find on my free resources – which there are many of – at http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/getstarted is just how much of it is free and also how we offer free sponsorships for anyone onto the NARP Program who is financially not in a position to buy it.

      No-one is denied access to it, who wants to heal with it.

      Mel xo

  • anapvela@yahoo.com'
    Ane
    March 25, 2017

    Hello Melanie,

    You mentioned something about addiction. Do you think people choose alcohol or drugs to always suppress feelings? Because the N that I know says he has an “addictive personality ” and it has nothing to do with suppressing his emotions. Basically he says it’s a disease that he inherited. But I always think that’s his excuse to not do the work to face his pain. What are your thoughts about this? Thanks a lot!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 25, 2017

      Hi Ane,

      I personally believe that addictions are to do with self-medicating pain.

      And when we stop self-avoiding then we need to meet the trauma that we have been trying to numb out.

      It is interesting to understand that trauma is often generational and epigenetic … yet I believe that anyone who does meet their inner trauma can heal and therefore be no longer reliant on self-medicating away the pain – and break the generational (inherited) patterns.

      But they have to want to.

      For all of us with N’s the real truth is for us to not self-avoid by trying to stop them self-avoiding.

      So that we can face and heal … the damaged parts in us that are trying to assign someone who does not want and / or does not have the capacity to be our source of love, approval, survival or security.

      That is the only true solution to your dilemma.

      Mel xo

  • Cathydmagee@icloud.com'
    Cassie
    March 26, 2017

    Melanie,
    I absolutely ADORE the way you explain things. Your analogies are outstanding. Here is one of my favorites from this video…”Our disowned trauma only does pushups in the background gathering strength.” Ah Ha!!! So it does! All dressed up in its swanky sassy workout clothes! This Grey Rock video and the previous one regarding age (I am 57) are very inspirational. I relate to your words of wisdom that when fear and drama still have a life of their own inside of us then we hit a barrier. I have been working and working through all of my layers and at times I feel like a bird who thinks whoa look it’s clear sailing…you’ve got it this time and then BAM I fly right into that glass window and then THUMP- But I know what you are sharing with us from your experience is true. Your passion is so energetic. So because of you and your words, and your passion and your creativity this little bird is going to get back up again and get those wings flapping!!!!!
    Thank you for your energy!!
    All my love and gratitude
    Cassie

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 26, 2017

      Hi Cassie,

      thank you and I am so pleased it resonates with you.

      Those thuds Cassie are such wonderful opportunities to go to the next level – and we always do when we just surrender inwards pick it up and replace it (QFH).

      I love that you are breaking through into your True You.

      You are so welcome Cassie and so much love to you.

      Mel xo

  • nicoledoyon3@gmail.com'
    Nicole
    March 26, 2017

    Hi Melanie..and Community,

    This method has worked for me in a way that does not snuff out my emotions as a whole, but rather just my emotions towards the behaviors of the N’s in my life. I have recently just broken it off with my N love partner. I have been learning that resistance and fighting and giving these emotional payoff’s to him just makes it harder. So during this transition period while i am waiting for my new place to be ready, and being forced to still share this space with him. I am steadfast in listening.. being quiet..and just continuing to be present and loving to myself each step of way. In this way Grey Rock has not been creating any new wounds to heal.. yet is like a heat shield more then a rock. Visualization helps so much. Thank you again Melanie for your words of wisdom. I thank the universe often for this essential resource. xo Thrive on.
    Much Love Nicki

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 26, 2017

      Hi Nicole,

      that is so wonderful that you are detaching and empowering you.

      Thrive on indeed Dear Lady!

      Much love to you too.

      Mel xo

  • Glo1230@yahoo.com'
    Gloria
    March 26, 2017

    Hi Melanie,
    I don’t have access do a computer so the disc won’t be helpful.
    Do you have CD’s or books that will be helpful for me?
    I am trying move on from N S relationship and I love your emails I receive and read each one over and over again..
    Thank you I don’t know if I could of go this far as to have no contact without your advice and support

  • vivryan7@gmail.com'
    Vivien ryan
    April 2, 2017

    Thanks once again mel, all makes sense lots of love .

  • askmonika@gmail.com'
    MJ
    April 9, 2017

    Hi Melanie!

    I’ve been reading your blog for a LONG time and let me first say, that I love all of the work that you’ve done to help us empaths!

    Now, on to the juicy part – YOU ARE SO RIGHT. I’ve FAILED miserably at the grey rock method. Instead of rethinking my approach, I kept beating myself up for being a failure (my usual script). I just couldn’t cut off my emotions – nor should I. I am human and I feel.
    What I love about your approach is that it makes it about us again and we are no longer responding to someone else’s behavior. Instead, we are choosing to focus on our OWN healing.

    I was feeling so down on myself this morning. Something told me you visit your site. Thank you so much for helping me just get through today.

    Love and light,
    MJ

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