Melanie Tonia Evans

Will I Ever Feel The Same Attraction I Felt With The Narcissist?

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 0
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

Have you ever had the agonising issue of being head over heels attracted to someone who is totally bad for you?

And …. even though this person abuses you and is impossible to create a healthy, safe and happy life with, you feel like they are your perfect match?

This is the traumatic world of being connected with a narcissist lover, where I promise you SO many people have reported the same thing!

In fact, some people when they first connected with a narcissist, felt this heart explosion … “This is The One” (yours truly included), and then … when the relationship blows up and ends (as relationships with narcissists are apt to do)  there is a forlorn emptiness of missing and obsessing about the ex-partner.

As well as, devastatingly, a benign non-existent attraction to anyone else.

These are pretty tough things to get past.

But … I promise you it is not only possible, it is inevitable when we apply the Thriver principles of recovery.

This is key …

You may not have realized WHAT the attraction really is, HOW if formed and WHY it was SO intense …

And … when you do, and you know how to break free from the connection – which I promise so many of us Thrivers have done, as a step by step process – you will discover all of the missing of that person is gone.

Truly …

And then the magic happens …

You organically start to feel attraction (including the “Oh hello!” feeling) for people who you CAN have healthy, happy and safe relationships with.

Bouya!

Isn’t that what it is all supposed to be about?

It certainly is, if we want sustainable, glorious, fulfilling relationships with wonderful people, and I promise you the chemistry gets even better than what you had with a narcissist!

If you have been struggling with this topic, I can’t wait to help you out with it … because I know how BIG it is!

 

Having personally struggled terribly with this issue for years, before my Thriver recovery, I know exactly how painful it is.

If you have any questions about this episode please leave them in the comments below and I would love to answer them.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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60 Thoughts on Will I Ever Feel The Same Attraction I Felt With The Narcissist?
  • Stardustkw@gmail.com'
    KathySue
    March 29, 2017

    Thank you Melanie. I’m in the early throes of the second major discard from the N, and the suffering has been almost unendurable. Just like you describe, i feel cut off from the source of my own being, and strangely even from God. It’s as if it’s him, and his good graces, approval, and smiles are the only healing to my soul; and yet logically of course I know this is not true. Yet my inner wounding has come up, and I have no idea how to heal myself. I’ve tried therapy, and many spiritual practices. But when I met the N., I kind of threw everything else out the window, and he became my reason for living, and my strange inner source of my own energetic supply. Of course, I can’t really explain this, but I know you understand. I did purchase your thrived program, but it has stayed in my files. Now I feel I must overcome my own laziness and tackle it. By the way, I tried to sign up for your emails but was unsuccessful. Thank you!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 30, 2017

      Hi KathySue,

      it’s my pleasure.

      I totally understand what you are saying – so many of us felt that incredible soul takeover phenomenon.

      Please know KathySue NARP is the healing answer … and that is great that you are going to take up and work with the healings.

      When we have had enough of the pain – that’s what we do!

      Please email support@melanietoniaevans.com and either Harry or Clarie will help you!

      Mel xo

  • jodicummings@bigpond.com'
    Jodi
    March 29, 2017

    Thank you so much for this Melanie. This is where I am at. I am into module 7 in NARP but and am still struggling with the wrong people coming into my life. I have had three narcissistic relationships. Although in saying that, I am getting much better at saying no and removing them from my life very quickly now. The last one especially as soon as I realised, I removed him from my life. I am not sure why I keep inviting these people into my life and why they keep trying to come back?? It seems like a hurdle that I can’t seem to overcome. I have had quite a few very decent men come into my life but yes I have found them ?boring. Loved this article and I am keeping on NARPing.

    • sarah7183876522@gmail.com'
      Yitty stein
      March 29, 2017

      We have to keep repeating modules, especially the first one and check where we still have trapped emotion!

      I also struggle with question how long it should take to attract new good people

      • mibadoda@gmail.com'
        Miba
        March 29, 2017

        Hey Yitty

        I felt compelled to respond. It will take as long as is needed to let go of the attachment towards a specific outcome (in this context, that means letting go of the “need to attract new good people”).

        Your Soul/Inner Being & Life will call forth & deliver what you need (i.e. people, situations, things) to trigger you in a way that will surface certain beliefs in regard to “needing to attract new good people”, so as to get to the bottom of why you feel you need this (to feel whole).

        When our boundaries are solid and thick and we’ve upleveled our wounds, then there’s no need to fear attracting the wrong kinds of people, as we organically show up in life in ways that ensure that we don’t get hooked in (because there’s nothing in our subconscious that serves as an attraction point for this).

        There’s no “gap” to get hooked by.

        They key to “unhooking” from that which doesn’t serve you (i.e. people, situations, things) is to become aware of the wounds and beliefs within you that serve as an attraction point (to those things and people you don’t want in your life), and uplevel those.

        Though I understand (and empathize) with your struggle in regard to this, because let’s face it – no-one in their right mind *loves* attracting things, people, or situations that are hurtful, exactly because it hurts.

        I promise, with time it really does get better, but it’s best not to make “the need for ‘good’ people” your main focus, otherwise you may emphasis your levels of discomfort & distress in regard to this and perhaps even end up attracting more of what it is you don’t want.

        Instead I believe it is much healthier to become aware of that which stands between you and your ability to trust yourself and then shift via the modules, so you can feel calmer in relation to this.

        Keep the healings up ♥

        • martin.issima@hotmail.it'
          Lady Jedi
          March 30, 2017

          Thank you very much Miba,
          great advice (for me too!)
          Love x

          • mibadoda@gmail.com'
            Miba
            March 30, 2017

            I’ve benefitted from your posts too. Interesting stuff :). Quite intriguing.

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            March 31, 2017

            Great conversation ladies …

            And Miba spot on.

            Mel xo

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        March 30, 2017

        Hi Yitty,

        it is like everything in the Quantum World … we “get” what we want when we have no attachment or condition on it …

        It goes like this – “I will be free, love and radiance (with authenticity which means honest and real) regardless of who shows up in my experience …”

        And, “Anyone that does is the perfect next step of my evolution to be more fully ME.”

        Then … the people who match freedom, love, radiance and authenticity come …

        Be it and it will come.

        Be-come.

        We graduated.

        Mel xo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 30, 2017

      Hi Jodi,

      you are so welcome 🙂

      Are you in the NARP Forum working in with other Thrivers http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member to get guidance on this?

      I know how much that would help you break through this pattern.

      Bless … and you will break through! Totally!

      Mel xo

  • Rpatchett66@gmail.com'
    HappyGirl
    March 29, 2017

    Wow, Melanie, this episode made me laugh and cry – you are so fabulous!!! Thank you again.

  • Theisspat@gmail.com'
    Pat
    March 29, 2017

    Good topic.
    Though I don’t feel anywhere near ready to explore a new relationship this has been very helpful for me.
    I am 7 months out of my 4th abusive relationship and though I knew that I was the “common denominator” I didn’t know how. I also knew that if I was attracted to someone, he would be bad for me. I finally have an understanding…thank you for that. I have just begun the modules and have high hopes for growth and healing. The struggles are daily and I am trying to be very caring and loving to myself…Which is very difficult to learn for a 57 yr old. I love animals and when I see an abused and terrified dog, I feel like I am looking in a mirror. You have given me hope! Thank you

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 30, 2017

      Hi Pat,

      I am so pleased you now have the connection to “attraction” and what it means at this level.

      That is so wonderful that you have started the NARP Program!

      And I am thrilled you are feeling hope, please know at any age when we clear our trauma, self-partnering becomes totally natural, organic and glorious.

      You are on your way Pat!

      Mel xo

  • sarah7183876522@gmail.com'
    Yitty stein
    March 29, 2017

    Hi Melani,

    Thanks for all your wonderful work!!

    This is exactly what I’m struggling with, upto level 3 in narp trying to f8rguve my mom.

    She is a covert overt narc and literally ruined my life, now feel broke abd divorced could never have friends because of her and feel SO ALONE IN THE WORLD!!

    Any suggestions??

    (Know I should take responsibility for my own life, but still can’t get past it)

    Thanks for your help as always!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 30, 2017

      Hi Yitty,

      You are very welcome.

      Kitty it really is about digging out and releasing the blocks that are not letting you forgive … but what that may entail to really help you, is to get the inside scoop on what those blocks are, what is happening in the healing process and anything else that we need to know to coach you with “what is stuck”.

      This is the work that happens in the NARP Forum with highly skilled and experienced Thrivers to help you, for free, all as a part of your NARP Program.

      Can you come in there Yitty so we can?

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      Mel xo

  • Cl.velez@aol.com'
    Clv
    March 29, 2017

    Omg! This is insane!!! FINALLY SOMEONE GETS IT! My anxiety is through the roof, and has been for 7 years! It escalated, police were involved, and he still takes no accountability, EVERYTHING is MY fault according to him. I pulled away about 5 months ago, he felt it, it got uglier an uglier, the venom now wished me death toward the end; simply for not feeding his nasty attempts at a reaction

  • mmsandlw@aol.com'
    Laura
    March 29, 2017

    I want help not able to sign up?
    Mmsandlw@aol.com

  • Tarren2002@hotmail.co.uk'
    Paula
    March 29, 2017

    I am struggling with this at the minute 😞. I cut contact for 15 months! But over a week ago i got in contact! Yes stupid i know but the pull returned. Ive seen him 3 times since and although he’s on hos best behaviour i now spot the subtle signs of narcissism, i KNOW this man wants to pubish me deep down for going nc for 15mths despite the smiles but i’m finding myself dismissing my gut and focusing on the ‘nice’ man he has become again, the one i love. I tried a couple of dates while nc and i wasnt attracted to them despite them being both nice men. But yes i’m worried/scared i am always going to feel this ‘love’ and connection to someone i know will ultimately hurt me, even now he does not text although we are neeting and this makes me feel so sad (no way would i tell him this) i pray everyday the love will stop as i’ll be heading for heartbreak again. 11 years on & off of this rollercoaster and i just know i need to ger off for good. Why oh why did i contact him. Feeling a sad failure and i’d love some words of encouragement, i’m 54 so not naive so why am i like this

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 30, 2017

      Hi Paula,

      So many of us, when our still unhealed inners are pulling the strings, caved in and broke No Contact.

      Please don’t beat yourself up, it is so common to do this!

      It just means – enough is enough and its time to heal.

      Please Paula connect to my resources – because that is the EXACT work and solution that happens in this Community – TRUE healing from this.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freestarterpackage

      Mel xo

  • poppyrosebeautytherapy@gmail.com'
    Michelle Hayes
    March 29, 2017

    Hi.The ex narp husband is so crafty and cunning no one knows all the horrible things he has done to myself and the children.He alienated me and my children from our entire family as they chose to side with him.God only knows what lies he said about me.So much for blood is thicker than water so not in our case.His whole family took his side and think I am crazy like my family as I know he used that word.Somehow his family are convinced I made up a story about how he psychologically abused our son and I managed to convience the police, womens refuge, lawyers and a judge of this.Wow I must be a total genius and what power I must have.They must be so thick to believe what rubbish he has told them.I am the third crazy ex so why aren’t they seeing a pattern forming.How are they ever exposed for their true disturbed people they really are? I guess they are never accountable either!

  • mibadoda@gmail.com'
    Miba
    March 29, 2017

    “You organically start to feel attraction (including the “Oh hello!” feeling) for people who you CAN have healthy, happy and safe relationships with.

    Bouya!”

    Hilarious. I laughed my butt off reading this (cheeks hurting!).

    And I cried through the video – Claire was right, it is a very touching video. Glad I watched, because it’s so true.

    Respect, my friend. Respect.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 30, 2017

      Hi Miba,

      Glad you got a giggle … 🙂

      Nothing wrong with “Oh Hello!”

      And big hugs and blessings to you Dear Friend.

      Mel xo

  • angelaboushel@hotmail.com'
    Angela
    March 29, 2017

    Thanks Mel. A terrific deeply enlightening and inspiring episode.
    Im so glad I joined the Narp community. No going back. Some Soul contracts complete and vigilant for anymore presenting.
    Id encourage anybody watching or commenting who has not attended Mels FREE webinar to do so. It could change your life for the better. And Yes, it is hard work and the best piece of work you will ever do.
    Thanks to all of you in the Narp Thriver community for your support and insights. Thanks Mel. 💚

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 30, 2017

      Hi Angela,

      Thank you and I am so pleased you enjoyed it …

      You are SO right there is no going back (why on earth could we or would we?!)

      Thank you for your love to this Community and sending love to you too!

      Mel xo

  • anna_elina@luukku.com'
    Elina
    March 30, 2017

    Hi Melanie!
    I think relationships are always challenging, for everyone, also to “normal” people and heart-break hurts always…but when the ex-partner happens to be N, it is double as painful 🙁
    I have question about “no contact”, does it also mean like no “energetic connection”? I have some very old e-mails from him I just don’t seem to be able to delete, even when I don’t even read them anymore, but I just want them to “be there”, in my inbox. These are from the early stage of the relationship, very sweet and seemingly innocent and neutral, where we discuss for example about horses. Should I delete them all? It still hurts, what’s wrong with me? 🙁
    Despite the recent suffering, I have maintained my sense of humor; Later he also sent me messages, that contained coarse and rude language, threats etc…(and I deleted them immediately!), maybe I should have saved instead these messages, if I ever find myself missing him or falling into “nostalgia” again!
    You say you don’t like people “venting” in N forums, and I agree. But sometimes I just FEEL, all what he did was so wrong. Because it IS wrong. Just saying and acknowledge this fact seems to relieve me. I know he is a N and therefore he can’t “help himself” and it is solely my responsibility to heal myself…but if something “wrong” happened, it just never will be “right”! 🙁

    Strange thing is, even after all the horror, I still sometimes have this need to “defend” him. He was a good father, good with horses, good at his work, so at least he has done something right or good in this world. Why I have the need to think this way? I think I’ve always been a “naive idealist”, I want to see the good in everything and everyone, now later I realise maybe just this makes me an easy target to an abuser 🙁
    I never want to become a negative and cynical person, who doubts everyone and everything, with that outlook of life, what would be the point even to wake up in the mornings? Some people are good, some are bad (or with N’s, I prefer the word inhumane), but sometimes I just feel insecure, how I could find the balance in life?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 30, 2017

      Hi Elina,

      I agree entirely!

      Yes, absolutely No Contact means a clean out of ALL of it … no energetic / emotional ties.

      There is nothing “wrong” with you Elina, just wounds to heal – that’s all … and its normal.

      Reminding ourselves of the “bad” is only a quick fix to try to recover – the true work, please know, is always about healing our original wounds that connected us up with narcissist unconsciously in the first place, because when we heal those there is no urges, no obsessing and no missing – rather was are simply just free.

      Venting is only a quick fix – yet the pain returns … It also cements into our Inner Identity that we are a victim which create nasty peptide cocktails that only hold us in the victim space, and also engineer (in combination with life) more events in our life that will further victimise us.

      Hence why it is “wrong town”.

      All of the answers truly lie in the inner healing – because then our brain naturally shifts to peace and resolution (as well as having taken our healing evolution) … then it is all “done with” and we are free for the next incredible adventure of life.

      As Prema Codren says “Nothing ever goes way until it teaches us what we need to know”

      That is the truth re the pain, agony and confusion after N-abuse.

      If you are ready to heal from this, then my suggestion is accessing my free resources: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freestarterpackage

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      • anna_elina@luukku.com'
        Elina
        April 1, 2017

        Hi Melanie,
        Thank you for the reply!
        A curious question came into my mind. If and when it is so, that we attract N’s, because of our younger inner wounds…so why this apply to men only? Or I don’t mean “men”, but like romantic partners, which in my case are men, because I’m a woman. I mean, during the years I have been able to get (thank God!) many very good female friends, like real “soul sisters”, many of them I have been friends with like 10-30 years. I am very grateful for my friends, when this recent N relationship ended I had this strong, scary feeling of “becoming crazy” and my friends really helped me to be “grounded” and feel more normal again! Aww. So why I am able to attract totally healthy and connected friends, but not romantic partners? I see it now, if I have sometimes indeed been able to attract a healthy normal man…usually it ends very quickly 🙁

        Thank you, I have read your free resources and they help me a lot! I have also started NARP now. But I’m still scared. What if I do the process unknowingly “wrong”/incompletely?
        I think I have always been scared of men/not feel safe. It is just a very nasty case…when I met the N, we were sitting on the sofa in my home and he assured that “he will never hurt me in any way”, because “he is a very sincere person”. So he was able to gain my trust. There we were sitting, me glowing with happiness, totally unaware this man was a n AND a criminal. How did my intuition “betrayed” me so badly? I fully felt I could trust him. Now of course I don’t know if I can ever trust anyone again 🙁
        How we can know if someone is real and reliable, for sure? It is very scary, that a N is indeed very good “acting” like he is!

  • s.zimmermann@home.nl'
    Sylvia
    March 30, 2017

    Wow… Goosebumps and chills and a big lump in my throat when you talked about the two souls agreeing, before coming to earth. It so resonates with me.
    I ended my relationship with the narc over a year ago, but now and again a dream I had when I was still with him, comes back to mind.
    I dreamed that the Narc was in an apartment building and I was on my way to him. A woman was carrying me on her back. She had a very beautiful, loving energy, like an angel. When we arrived at the building and I was near the door of the apartment, the narc came out in a very threatening and overpowering way. I withdrew, intimidated, and went down a few stairs. He stayed in the corridor.
    There was another man inside the appartment and the woman that had carried me went in and the two of them had a loving and relaxed conversation. I could feel the wonderful and pure energy around them.
    I recognized the man inside to be the narc and I realized that the woman was ME.
    While I was still afraid and withdrawn and the narc was still in the corridor, looking at me irritated and disapprovingly, I could see the REAL, true, pure me sitting on the floor in the living-room of the apartment, in a loving conversation with the REAL, true, pure him.
    I just knew in my dream that it was US. And when I woke up, I felt that this was not just a dream.

    Just now, when I heard you talking about the two souls… I felt thát is what I saw in my dream. It’s beautiful!!! Thank you!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 30, 2017

      Hi Sylvia,

      I’m so glad that resonated with you cellularly …

      And at true soul level there is ONLY love …

      Bless you Sylvia and your are so welcome.

      Mel xo

  • martin.issima@hotmail.it'
    Lady Jedi
    March 30, 2017

    Dear Melanie,

    thank you so much for this! I have read about it before but it’s a great reminder. I don’t feel attract to narcissistic people anymore, or any people that treats me badly and I don’t miss them. This is the result of a lot of work. Yay! 🙂
    HOWEVER, in this new stage I am finding myself attracted to some people who are nice and seem to resonate with my reality but they are not available and seem not to care about having a relationship with me based on consistency (mostly friendships and one romantic attraction), they seem just not interested in keeping in touch on a consistent basis! However, I receive a lot of attention from people who are in a severe stage of codependency , which I don’t particularly enjoy because I don’t feel it’s my reality anymore!! And, at the end, I just end up not feeling attracted to anyone at all! I just want to retreat in a cave! Lol!
    What is the message here?! What kind of soul contracts are these ones?I am struggling to grasp it…
    I see the pattern…But I still can’t connect it to my wounding!
    Any of your precious insights for me?
    Much love you gorgeous lady !! xoxo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 30, 2017

      Hi Lady Jedi,

      you are so welcome.

      How wonderful you have broken through to that level.

      Regarding your dilemma … When we have people resonating in our space who are unavailable, it is because we are playing out the original traumas with caregiver(s) who were unavailable emotionally to commit to our emotional young self.

      With the codependency people (and the unavailable people) it is about tracking the charge you feel in your body about this, to original wounding and clearing it ..

      Even though logically you know it is a pattern – you will not know SPECIFICALLY WHAT it is until you track it, and even then you don’t even NEED to know what it is to clear it – you can simply hold the “painful charge” in you body and then release and replace and the shifts will get done.

      The next step then is to be your True Self in “real time” … meaning showing up as authentically honest with these people, about who you are and what your preferences are …

      Also Dear Lady come into the NARP Forum for extra help if you need on this!

      Mel xo

  • lorri.henry@yahoo.com'
    Selkie
    March 30, 2017

    Melanie I love it when you venture into the realm of metaphysics.
    It clarifies a lot for me.
    More please!

  • kats_letterbox198@hotmail.com'
    Kat
    March 30, 2017

    Hello Melanie,
    thank you for your work and I am currently doing the NARP program.
    Watching this, a question came to my mind…I have a young son and lots of bad stuff has happened to us whilst pregnant and especially in his first year. It still goes on now with people around us hurting us (emotionally) and leaving us or not interested enough in seeing us – or him – extended family.
    I can already see how desperately he wants to be liked, is soft like a cotton cloud and really hurt when someone rejects him.
    Is there anything I can do to somehow heal or minimize the impact on him in the future and change his already made beliefs that are not good for him?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 30, 2017

      Hi Kat,

      you are very welcome 🙂

      The most important thing I will ever say to parents regarding their children is this:

      Heal yourself – and then they follow.

      Mel xo

  • mahoneyreport@aol.com'
    Jeannie Mahoney
    March 30, 2017

    Hi Melanie,

    Thanks so very much for another truth and another eye-opener!!

    I couldn’t believe what I was hearing when you began giving examples of the behaviors of men who mirror our wounds, and how we become attracted to them! Your first example of infidelity and the second one of not valuing me hit me hard! How very, very TRUE. Your comments about how deeply hooked we get and how we erroneously begin to “think” that there’s no one else also floored me! These were my exact emotions and beliefs during the horrific 15 months of my romantic relationship with my N, and the turbulent 16 months of struggling we both went through in trying over and over to make it work. It was only after I decided to go NO CONTACT (9-1/2 weeks ago) that I finally set myself free. Now, I have no appetite for another relationship. It’s the last thing I need!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 30, 2017

      Hi Jeanne,

      Its my pleasure 🙂

      I am so pleased the pieces have fallen into place for you!

      Mel xo

  • adrennam@hotmail.com'
    Michelle
    March 30, 2017

    Hands down one of the best videos about why and how we attract those in our life….I remember the day it hit me with my ex husband that this was happening. We were sitting in counseling with our pastor and he stated…I am doing the same things your mother did…by then I was beginning to really become aware of why I married him and why at some point it was not going to work. 4 months later…I moved out and a few months after that we divorced. I remember vividly saying to him and others…our marriage is so much bigger than he and I! I still get chills when I think of that because I really had no clue what I saying but my soul knew. That little girl within was saying…its time. I spent the first 28 years of my life being abused on different levels by my mother. I ended up in a controlling church environment for several years. One experience to the next was assisting my to let go and look within. But in 2013 this man reentered my life out of “no where”. I had not heard from him for 5 years. I had not spent much time with him years prior but enough to feel a “connection” I had not felt before. However when he reentered my life I now see I was ready to face myself in a way I had never done.

    I spent 3 years with him…and I can now say it was the best 3 years of my life because I came face to face with myself. Once I stopped making it about him and his stuff I began to focus on my own. From there I gathered the courage to no longer hang on to someone that I knew deep within was no good for me. I’ve been by myself for almost 10 months. The first time in my adult life where have not “looked” for someone to fill that void within.

    I can’t imagine the beauty that will occur meeting someone in a true healthy and conscious state….but I know it will be like nothing I have experienced. I looking forward to it.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 30, 2017

      Hi Michelle,

      Ohhh yes our soul does know!!

      I am so thrilled for you, that through all of this you have found you.

      It is beautiful Michelle and it is yours to experience by Divine Right.

      Bless you lovely lady.

      Mel xo

  • Karen_lyons@rok.catholic.edu.au'
    Kally
    March 30, 2017

    Thank you Melanie,
    This topic has been on my mind of late as after several years healing and loving me again I am now in a relationship where it seems I have hit the jackpot. It has been just over a year and he is the most lovIng, kind, genuine man I have ever met. There are no red flags and he absolutely adores me. It feels as though he sees me as perfect and has me on a pedestal which I am not sure how I feel about this. Am I being too wary and should I enjoy being loved for me. I probably have healing to do around this.
    Thanks always for,your wisdom Melanie,
    Kally

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 30, 2017

      Hi Kally,

      it is my pleasure 🙂

      You really have answered your own question Kally!

      Heal up any of that confusion and be fully yourself. What is important is being ourselves … as a part of being extended and loving.

      He sounds lovely and if you love you – if something did show up you will love you!

      Enjoy him and the “us” you have created.

      Mel xo

  • blueskiesmeditation@gmail.com'
    Anne Brewer
    March 30, 2017

    Hi Melanie,

    thanks so much for your posts and videos, they have helped me a lot. My ex suffered terrible abuse as a young child, he was verbally abusive to me at times but was also kind and generous at other times. I’m not sure he fits the exact profile of a narc but I can really relate to your video about a soul contract.

    Recently he did something horrible that I could no longer overlook and we broke up. He crossed a serious boundary. Since that time I have been working through my feelings, being very kind and patient with myself and being my own best friend and soul mate. I can see now that I had completely handed over my life and energy to him. I couldn’t understand why I always felt so tired and lacking in confidence. Now I can.

    Now I feel so much better. I feel stronger, more confident and more energised than I ever have. Friends don’t understand why I don’t hate him, but I really don’t, I hate what he did but I am grateful for the love we shared, the lessons he taught me and the contract he fulfilled for me.

    To my surprise I recently met someone who seems like a very good person and there was an instant attraction between us. I didn’t expect to feel attracted to someone new so soon, its only be a few months since my ex and I separated.

    I do feel wary though, I intend to take things very slowly between us. I’m wondering, what are the warning signs I should take notice of, although as I write this I realise that if I begin to feel tired and not confident with this guy that would be some signs!

    And do you think its too soon for me to be even thinking of dating again?

    Thanks again,

    Anne.

  • JohntheBaptist2nd@yahoo.com'
    John the Baptist the 2nd
    March 31, 2017

    Hi Melanie, Thank you for your efforts to set free, souls found enslaved to what you refer to as narcissists. Sadly and dangerously, the number of those creatures that you refer to as narcissists, grows daily. Souls ignorant of such creatures, their techniques and ways, are hoovered into the creature’s reality, finding themselves existing in a state of fear, frustration, bewilderment, pent-up anger, and despair, themselves clueless as to what has happened to them and lacking the understanding and knowledge of how these events and feelings have come about. The bondage of soul sickness into which unwary souls are led by these foul creatures can grow so perverse, that the unwitting soul loses desire to escape and exists without hope. Thank you for being a light to the fact that there is hope of escape and a way out. Although we may differ in the use of vocabulary and other terms regarding these foul and predatory creatures, and the solution with which to deal with them, I suspect we are on the same page in seeing them stopped in what they do, and exposed for what they are. HalleluYah!! Keep up your good works.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 31, 2017

      Hi John,

      you are so welcome.

      My beliefs are we will only eliminate this issue by healing ourselves – we have no power to stop others being who they choose to be …

      But we can cease to be enmeshed or taken in by them.

      Mel xo

  • muellerconniea@gmail.com'
    Healing as fast as I can
    March 31, 2017

    Been following you via you-tube and written articles, looking for answers. Just stopping by to say thank-you! Your resources have been leading me up and out!

  • catherinbond@hotmail.com'
    Catherine Bond
    March 31, 2017

    Hi Melanie,

    I have been reading your website and articles and they have helped me understand what I am currently going through. I have been with my husband for 29 years. Since I was a teenager. I always knew that there was something not quite right, but I always said “well he had a bad up bringing and maybe with time he will change”. There were good years and bad, or maybe in the good years I would just act or do what he wanted to not have to deal with his behavior. However the last few years, he has become more jealous, controlling and just plain mean. He has never trusted me and why I do not know, as I have not done anything to cause him to not trust me. However he has does things with other woman. He would be controlling over the money, our children and their education, tracking my phone to see where I am. But the last straw was when we got into a fight about money and the kids back in December and he demanded the password to my personal bank account. I have always given in the past to all these crazy demands, but this time something in me said NO!
    The next day my car keys and phone were gone, as well as the internet. He took them away for two weeks and I had to find myself to work on the bus. IT is not the bus that hit me like a tone of bricks, it was the fact that he did that to his own wife and the humiliation that I had to take the bus (as all my co-workers know I have a car) and feeling totally stripped and in complete shock. From that point he did other things that were just crazy. I have asked for a separation. Since then he has done and said things that have been very hard to handle. I cry all the time and I am just waiting until I move out in June. But until then I am sleeping in the basement (as he kidded me out of the bedroom the first night that the fight started and he said that he could not trust me). He is somehow still tracking my phone as well. Just a complete nightmare. The feelings I have are just so overwhelming at times. Thinking that I have to end my marriage and life I had. It is almost like I am in a nightmare. As I mentioned, I knew he had issues and the emotional pain and abuse I have endured has been very hard to deal with. I was not sure what the problem was, but after seeing a therapist and reading your website it has come more clear to me that my husband is a narcissist.. :(. I thank you for having a great website for people in the same situation to voice how they feel.. as it can be a very lonely place….

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 31, 2017

      Hi Catherine,

      it is so good that you have decided to say “No” to that behaviour and honour yourself, as hard and as painful as that may be.

      It takes great courage to walk through this, but please know the entire Thriver Community is here to help you get out the other side.

      Have you joined into my resources Catherine? They are going to be so important for what you have coming up and knowing the stages of “what will happen” and “what to do” to move forward.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freestarterpackage

      Wishing you strength and recovery dear lady.

      Mel xo

      • catherinbond@hotmail.com'
        Catherine Bond
        April 6, 2017

        Hi Melanie,

        Thank you do much! I am just so struggling with feeling guilty about how this whole issue transpired. Things have not been good for the last few years and I have been dealing with his behavior and and trying to be understanding (not know what the actual problem was for 28 years). I feel guilty because I let things build up over time and I would always just throw things under the rug. But I knew on my side it was because if we did discuss the fight, it would seem to be my fault and if I would just stop being so defensive nothing would escalate, because of course he was never the one to start a fight… yet I had to deal with his treatment of me and how his way was always the right way.
        I feel guilty that maybe I over re-acted about giving him my pin# to my bank account, but something at that time when we were fighting in me said no!! I gave it to you before and you looked through everything, you once demanded I bring home all my pay stubs so he could see if I took sick days and then the whole issue of how he does not trust me and that I am hiding something… which I am not, tracking my where about with my phone . So I just said NO! Cause in his mind he said this whole thing started with me saying no and that I guess in his mind I deserved to have my phone and car taken away.
        Have you ever heard of someone in my situation, where they just got to the point and basically lost it and stood up to the N and is leaving?
        I know that it is not a healthy relationship and I was feeling suffocated, so why would I feel so guilty?

  • yeshlee2000@yahoo.com'
    SSC
    March 31, 2017

    I’m so happy that you presented this topic. I have been totally flummoxed about why I still desire him so much, and have beat myself up about it. I felt ashamed that I would still be so drawn to someone who has abused me so much. This really helped me understand that this feeling is common and why it is. Even now, after 5 years of being pulled in and discarded over and over, I still feel like there is no one else for me. However, I’m dedicated to the work and to unleveling my childhood wounds and am hopeful that one day I will be a true thriver as you so beautifully demonstrate. You are an inspiration Melanie, and I thank you for your videos and your work.

  • smfaille@gmail.com'
    Suzette Faille
    March 31, 2017

    Melanie, you are a shining light in the darkness. I am taking steps on the road to my healing because I was led to one of your videos. Now I cannot stop watching. I felt an electric shock of soul recognition when you mentioned that my soul mate/narcissist had a soul contract to help me heal. I feel it is lifetimes of inner wounding. Thank you

  • tuuliturtola@hotmail.com'
    T.E.
    April 3, 2017

    Hi Melanie!
    I’m over of my en N, but sometimes sad that he wasn’t “the one” I thought he would be. I do not want to focus on that/him anymore. But I’m a curious mind…I wonder if you could answer this or even write an article about it sometimes? What is the relation between n’s and religion? My N was very religious, going every sunday to church and doing volunteer work there. I loved that, I thought this must be a very decent man with good values!
    I so so so want/ed to believe this! I loved him and wanted our relationship to work out!
    (that was before I started to notice there was “something wrong” with him!)
    Religion/spirituality is something personal for everyone, it is none of my business to “evaluate” people in anyway.
    But he said to me very rude things (and, a classic!), always accusing me being the “bad” person. I started to become fed up with the relationship, because I don’t want to hear 50 times how “bad” I am! 🙁
    And he never apologized me afterwards. I think the most beautiful thing religion teaches us is love and forgiving…I’m very confused how a religious person can behave this way…what should I think about all this?
    I think I’m well of my way to recovery…but this is one of the last remaining things that bother me and continue causing me anxiety 🙁

  • Hayles1@yahoo.com'
    Maggie
    April 5, 2017

    I found your website while searching for “what is a normal relationship after narcissistic abuse?”
    In brief I discovered I was married for 26 years to a narcissists (I really refer to him as a Phycopath because I think of him on the far end if the spectrum). I was ” so far down the rabbit hole” I had no idea I was abused. After finally freeing myself from him physically I have continued to struggle with freeing myself from him spirtually. I see this even more clearly from exploring your website. I have been in search of someone to fill the void he left. Shortly after the divorce I got involved with an exciting narcissist knowing what he was but thinking I could handle it. Just so that I could enjoy the fun and excitement he offered. Learned the hard way that I couldn’t. I know stupid. Within months of my ending that disfunctional relationship I met a man that was nothing like me. Told him I was pretty sure we existed in seperate parts of the universe. That is how different our lives were. He persisted and he seemed kinds so I went for the ride. He was also fun and exiting in a different way that the previous man. To make a long story short I had encountered a full fledge sociopathic conman and I ended up losing money.
    I am currently recovering from that and is what lead me to your website. Things I have recently discovered prior to your website is that I have never had a relationship that did not start with “love bombing”. I should listen to my intuition warning me. I also learned that wanted to be loved so badly that I was willing to accept anything.
    I am determined to have a happy life and you have brought home that until I find happiness alone I can not find it with anyone else. I am exhausted from these encounters and I think I am finally ready to just love and date myself.
    Thank you.

  • sarahaxt46@gmail.com'
    Sarah
    April 7, 2017

    Wow! This was SO relevant to me Melanie. Three years ago I left a 10 year marriage with a level 7ish narcissist only to fall for a level 1 zillion Narcissist right out the gate who I thought for certain was my soul mate. I had NEVER felt so strongly for someone. I felt like all the bad relationships I had been in had led me to this perfect guy. I’ve been suffering terrible pain for the last 3 years with this extreme narcissist and just couldn’t understand what was happening to me. My friends and family just kept telling me to leave the jerk, but I felt like I would die if I did. I even put the narcissist above my own children. A new friend in my life posed the question that maybe I was involved with a Narcissist. I went to the web and my journey very quickly led me to one of your video’s and the light went on. Just yesterday I became a NARP Member and have started my journey to break free from my own childhood wounds and I couldn’t be more excited for the journey. Even though I’m at the beginning, still have a ton of pain and have a lot of work to do, I now feel hopeful that the excruciating hurt will end and I will be happy again. So many of the things you talk about are the questions I’ve asked myself, including this one; Will I ever feel the same attraction again? THANK YOU for calming so many of my obsessive thoughts and doing the work you do, Melanie. You’re always on point as if we’re girlfriends having a conversation about what’s happening in my life. There is no-one else out there leading people to freedom from narcissistic abuse like you. I truly feel I would have been floundering forever wondering what was wrong with me because I couldn’t let go of someone who was so destructive if not for you. I really believe you saved my life. I continue to be astounded at how your journey and a lot of others is the same as mine. It’s brought comfort to me and has lite the path to my recovery. Much love to you for your help and I can’t wait to share my own recovery story soon. XOX

  • nicopopliceanu@yahoo.com'
    Nicoleta
    April 7, 2017

    Beautiful video! For those who can understand this, It is so deep. Thank you, Melanie!

  • sanyand3@yahoo.com'
    Shannon
    April 15, 2017

    First off, I wish to thank you Mel and all of us who have gone through such a horrific experience for all the knowledge and understanding that you have shared. I will try to briefly explain a bit of my experience and then I have a couple of questions.

    I too fell in love right off the bat with a man that had the most beautiful eyes and immediately we fell in love. Both, considering the other our soul mate and other half. Looking back yes there were red flags but the connection was so overwhelming that I completely ignored them. The first rage happened about 3 months in and I was devestated and shaking and could not even go to work the next day. I cancelled a girls xmas exchange in which we were gathering toys for a children’s hospital. I just could not even believe all the horrific and cruel things he allowed himself to yell at me.

    After each episode he would feel sick and so sorry and thus began the poems and beautifully written letters of love and promise to hook me back in over and over again. I even moved out twice in that 3 and a half year period. The last time I moved back in with him he proposed and I said yes and was so happy. I felt we had finally conquered our “problem” and would live happy ever after. But, after he would get me back it would start all over again to the point I began reading about abuse. He said he had been abused by his ex wife for 18 years and never really dealt with it. Even admitted he never could have believed that he would become a monster like her.

    Thus began a 9 month search for finding him help. The fact that he agreed he was abusive was a huge step. Him agreeing to help meant even more and gave me hope. We went to a church class, he went to an abuser program and even quit drinking ad joined AA. However, he quit every single one when it got to the point becoming accountable for his behavior and the pain it had caused. He did however, remain sober but it seemed that it made him feel entitled ad blamed me even more for our problems because wow look what he had accomplished.

    I finally moved back home waiting, hoping and praying he would get help. This past December we went to San Diego to see his son graduate from the Marines. Such a cherished time and he said his son was blessed to have me because I was more a mother to him than his own. We celebrated our 4th family Christmas with my son and his and his extended family. I do not have family so these were always treasured moments for my young son and I. They were our family we had so craved. He tenderly looked at me told me he loved me and this would be the year he got himself fixed so we could live happily ever after.

    Two days later he knew I was feeling down and told me to call for he is always there to listen. When I did I simply expressed my need for assurance that real help would be attained by him for these years had truly take its toll on me. He immediately went into a rage, of course blaming me and broke off cold. I did not get to see his son go back. My son nor I got to say goodbye to any of the family and he posted a week later on social media that he was in a relationship with another woman who lives 2 hours away from him. They posted this the day after they met. So obviously it shows a severe lack of balanced thinking or feeling on his part. It has blown some away but most just tell me to get over it because he has moved on and so happy. They never “fight” and both remain sober and that is all his problem was and he “healed” himself.

    Obviously you know the overwhelming pain of such a cruel form of discarding and how I lied in a heap of pain for so long….it has only been 3 months but I have made great strides but it still hurts and I am anxious to heal the inner wounds of my childhood. I lost my mother at 8 to suicide and was also raised in a cult so I know there is a lot to heal.

    My question is can he learn from our relationship that abuse is wrong and change and treat a new woman lovingly? Or maybe he will just love bomb her for a longer period of time? They also only see each other on weekends so not a daily basis as we did. He believe he and his first wife were both Narc’s actually and maybe that is why they lasted as long. I kept breaking away from him until he got help and I know the exposure was something that really upset him. Maybe that is why he found someone far away. He is selling his house, quitting his job and moving 2 hours away. they made this decision only a few weeks into their relationship. I don’t want her to be hurt but then again I don’t want to feel he would willingly change for another and it is so distressing.

    My other question regarding the video is if we had a soul contract and it was to help me heal my inner wounds what is the purpose for him or other Narcs to come and create so much pain on others? What gift does it give them in life? I know he sucked the very life breath out of me and I have never undergone something but I am also choosing to pause during the storm and come to terms with it little by little.

    Thank you for any insight you can give me…you have done so much for me by sharing all your knowledge and understanding already!

  • Susz88@hotmail.com'
    Susan
    April 29, 2017

    I realise that I am not even attracted to the N, actually I never was… I used to think why am I wth this person I don’t live them I don’t even like them n yet stayed. I can recall the first moment of meeting n my instinct was ‘run’. Yet years later I went from bad to worse, I now live alone. I have no friends, my boss has no time for me n I feel completely invisible in life. I do the healing modules but now just feel stuck. Almost acceptance of I’m 44 no man will ever be interested and it’s too late for a career. Please help

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