Recovery from narcissistic abuse is such a big thing, and it is one of the hardest things we will ever do because of crippling feelings that are triggered.
It signifies the death of dreams that we thought we were going to be living with this person, the shock of what this person is capable of, the fallout due to the smearing, the losses of finances, resources and our health (all the usual symptoms of narcissistic abuse), and the dreaded pain of the reality of life now, as we look at the rubble of our previous life on the floor all around us.
Among these, I believe there are three overwhelmingly painful and traumatising feelings, regardless of the practicalities and the real-life battle we are facing and suffering.
These are Isolation, Fear and Loneliness.
The Insidious Feelings of Isolation
We feel so alone with all of this. We want to clutch onto someone or something to help us, yet they can’t. We feel shameful, defective and broken, and no one can understand us. So many people in our life simply can’t get it. They either don’t see what the narcissist has done, tragically side with him or her, or, if they are with us, just tell us to ‘get over it’.
Additionally, we might have been hiding from others what is happening or simply haven’t been able to face them. Perhaps we have become so reliant on, trapped with, and trauma bonded to the narcissist that we don’t know how to connect and relate to other people any more. Now that the narcissist has gone, we may feel like we are dying without their presence as we feel so empty and incapable of looking after ourselves and generating our own life.
This may shock us, especially if we previously prided ourselves on being strong and capable. Now, horrifyingly, we may feel stranded in a barren desert where no one is coming, and no resources are available.
Initially, after narcissistic abuse, we may feel we are the only ones on the planet who have suffered from abuse, felt so low and shattered-I promise you that we aren’t. Many people are familiar with these feelings of utter helplessness, hopelessness, being hooked, addicted, obsessed and thinking that life will never be okay again.
Soon we will look at how we can recover from this, but before we do, let’s check out ‘The Fear’.
The Feelings of Fear
The feelings of fear that engulf us because of narcissistic abuse are akin to a literal soul fracture.
Everything we believe about ourselves, others, and life has been turned upside down and inside out. What terrifies us the most is we don’t know who we are anymore other than this screaming agony inside us, which is letting us know that something is terribly wrong with us.
It’s terrifying when we can’t just get on with our lives ‘as normal’, and we have no idea how we will ever even ‘feel normal’ again.
These questions haunt us: Why can’t I just get on with it? Why can’t I just forget what happened? Why can’t I let go of the urge to reconnect with someone I know is/was destroying me? Why can’t I get them out of my head no matter what I do?
There are reasons for this, which our normal human conditioning hasn’t taught us about. Reasons that we only start discovering and releasing ourselves when we go deeper than the standard faux solution, which is to ‘do or take something so that these feelings stop.‘
The pain of narcissistic abuse is terrible and inevitable, but it only becomes and remains chronic suffering if we miss exactly what the pain is all about.
Emotional pain and fear are no different to a baby crying, a ceiling dripping, or your car engine making grinding noises. It means ‘something requires attention here, and if it doesn’t get your attention, then there will be a bigger problem soon,’ such as nappy rash, ruined carpet and furniture, and your car engine stops.
The phenomenon of narcissistic abuse is a soul-healing opportunity at the highest level.
When we carry traumas and false beliefs that are not our True Selves, that unconsciously keep us trapped and rolling around with these people, rather than leaving and looking after ourselves, we continue to be abused. This is evidence of continuing traumas and painful beliefs.
This hurts like hell. Our unhealed old wounds are ripped open repeatedly. The more we look to the narcissist as the solution, try to change and fix them to stop the fear and pain, the more these wounds get smashed.
Finally, when the relationship ends, we are left with the wounds and aftermath of being out of alignment with our true selves and authentic life and trying to fruitlessly hold a false self responsible. We are the victim and feel ripped off, devastated, cheated and deeply abused.
This is all a part of the typical feelings and trauma until we realise the truth. This person is showing you those insecure, unhealed parts within yourself. You still need to be anchored in your own power to be the source of your own life, generating the nutritional components regardless of what others are or aren’t doing.
The terrible, shocking fear we feel, I promise you, comes from our inner being knowing that we have not yet turned inwards to self-partner, no one is at the helm, and that looking outwards to false sources only means more pain and destruction is coming.
Now let’s check out Loneliness.
The Empty Terror of Loneliness
We may believe that ‘loneliness’ confirms that we are unloved, unworthy of love and all alone. In our conditioned human makeup, we believe that our worth is what other people reflect on us. Yet this is such a false premise.
In the loneliness that occurs because of narcissistic abuse, we can finally discover the key to our true emancipation and be released from the old self of abuse and powerlessness to the new self of freedom and power.
Let me explain …
How to Heal Isolation, Fear, and Loneliness
This is how we start the process. Say this declaration:
“I, [insert your name], am going to turn my loneliness into the greatest mission, connection and love for myself that will heal all of my life from here onwards, and so it is.”
How does this feel in your body?
You should write this down in your journal and date it to make it concrete for you.
Now let’s dive into this.
We will never overcome our traumas and limitations until we embrace loneliness. Within it, we establish the most vital relationship we will ever have: our relationship with ourselves.
At the quantum level, everyone in your experience reflects back a part of you. Many people get this confused when they say, ‘What! You are telling me I’m a bad person because I have been with a narcissist?’ That is not what I am saying at all. I am saying that people treat us, and we stay attached to the treatment that matches how we treat ourselves.
Therefore, if we invalidate and are hard on ourselves, we accept people who treat us the same way. If we don’t love, take ourselves, and expect perfection, we will never be good enough for another. If we self-abandon and self-avoid ourselves with distractions and addictions when we are in emotional distress, then we gravitate to others who will abandon and replace us when we need them to. So within, so without.
Please don’t think the narcissist would be different if you cleaned this up. That’s not what I am saying. Narcissists are narcissists. What I am trying to help you understand is that if we are not having a faithful and loving relationship with ourselves, then we are susceptible to getting with false selves who will smash us with our own unhealed wounds as hard as it takes until we turn inwards to free ourselves from them.
How do we heal and create a healthy connection to life and others again? By firstly connecting with ourselves. In the past, when we had traumatic events and problems, we may have been able to get up, get moving, and recommence, despite the pain. Narcissistic abuse is different, and trying to do that this time doesn’t work. And it’s not meant to, because rather than self-avoid and self-abandon the inner screams of pain, it’s now time to honour, ‘Come heal this.’
When we dedicate ourselves to the truth and start leaning inwards to these unhealed places of ourselves to heal them back to wholeness and well-being, the pain stops, and the incredible feelings of growth, expansion, wisdom, resolution, and gratitude begin. If the pain of the breakdown of your life from narcissistic abuse is a 10/10 on the scale, then I promise you the breakthrough feelings on the other side are a 10/10 of even greater magnitude.
Conclusion
The hardest thing you could ever do is meet yourself and heal. Yet, this one action will yield the biggest results of your entire life. Thousands of people in this community and I have discovered, through embracing loneliness and turning it into intense, devoted self-healing dedication, that we have emerged as the joyful, confident, capable, whole people that we always wanted to be, and our life started to truly work.
This community is so beautiful because you don’t need to feel alone. We intimately understand what you are going through and support you in not feeling nearly as isolated while learning how to self-partner and free yourself from fear and pain.
You may not know how to heal from the terrible fear and pain. And that’s okay; you don’t need to. I will show you because I’ve been helping people do this for more than 10 years now.
The first step is to connect to my Free 16-Day Recovery Course, which consists of an invitation to a healing workshop with me, a collection of eBooks and lots more.
I’d also love you to scroll down and share the greatest ‘ah-ha’ moment you had from watching this video today.
So, until next time, keep smiling, healing and thriving because there’s nothing else to do.
thanks. Loneliness has always seemed like a dangerous place to be in because it signifies apparent lack of love-worthiness. Your blog appears to point out that loneliness can in fact be a path to healing because we self-partner rather than seek the relationships from others. This speaks counter to a lot of advice that says we must not be alone. Thanks for your advice and I look forward to using it.
Hi Kevin,
I am so pleased this resonates with you.
When we get the loneliness part right we are never alone, whether we are ‘with’ people or not.
The neediness ends and true connection begins.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I was so scared Mel when I started QFH this past summer. The loneliness was so awful I didn’t know how I would survive. I am living proof that if we work the modules, and do what you tell us, we will become our best self. I am at the place now where the old people of the past keep coming up, but I keep doing no contact and protecting myself. Each time I do, I get stronger.
Hi Marcie,
I am so happy for you that you have shifted trauma out and are doing so well.
Power to you Dear Lady!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I have had my aha moment the forum and support is wonderful
The neediness ends. I feel so relieved and vulnerable. I am hearing your communications in a different way today. Something changed.
Thankyou so much Mel for this one today. It’s exactly where I’m at. I’ve been with your programme for many years now and have finally (I must be a slow learner) ended my 42 year marriage to the N. It’s been a very difficult 18 months of legal negotiations and now the house is sold (I’m still here until settlement in late November) he has moved out and I am feeling everything you spoke about today. Thankfully, due to your teachings, I knew this period would come, although it doesn’t make it any easier. Feeling alone, frightened, don’t know where I will be next, still awaiting financial independence from the sale of the house, so I’m in nowhere land! I’m finding it difficult to have the energy to do modules, he’s only been gone for a week and is still returning to gather more of his belongings. Each day I’m feeling a little more capable of just the basics of living, so hopefully within the next few days I will have the strength to begin the modules in earnest. Thanks again lovely lady! xx
Hi Hilary,
I am so pleased this was timely for you.
I really want you to know that you have got this. Your sunrise is coming soon, and myself and this Community are here unconditionally for you.
Sending you love, healing, blessings and strength Dear Lady.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Thankyou Mel, a little better each day.
Hilary xxx
That’s so great Hilary.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hilary it has been 2 years since I left my relationship of 40 years. I dated my ex for 5 years and was married for 35 years. After a very traumatic devalue and discard I finally woke up! My biggest question was WHY would I accept such bad behavior? Thankfully I found Mel’s website the day after the discard and I found the answers. All I can say is to put 100 percent faith in this program because it is the solution. It is a journey but so very worth it. My life today is so different than I could have imagined and so much better than if I had stayed in the marriage
Mel,
I have met a very loving, kind, gentle man. We were chatting today and something very simple triggered a deep childhood wound, fear and trauma. Like I was living it again. I actually wanted to drink after 30+ years of being sober. My reaction to him was not good. He was the conduit to confirming that I still have further healing to do.
Please help.
Hi Cindy,
Without knowing the details of what was said or triggered it is hard for me to help you turn inwards to claim and heal what is going on.
Are you working with NARP? Are you in the NARP Forum? It is here that we do this deep and specific work.
One thing is for sure if we are triggered – so within so without – this grants us the grand opportunity to release ourselves from a trauma so that we go free into the next more evolved level of ourselves.
That’s the Thriver Way to heal.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
After narcissistic abuse, I think many of us are in such trauma survival mode, actually digging in deep into our inner selves, just isn’t possible. This comes later. That is the reality of it unfortunately.
So, maybe this will help other readers, but do one thing…whether it’s big or small (start small) every day, that will comfort you. For me, I bought flowers for myself every week. It just made me a happy, even if it were for 5 minutes. I took long walks. Even if I didn’t feel like getting out of my bed. I pushed it more and more, so for example, on the weekend, I’d think of a place to go (a museum, the library…anywhere) and spent an hour. Just 1 hour. Doing these small things for ourselves actually relieves the loneliness and helps relieve the fear. Then, once you start off slowly in doing small things for yourself, then you are stronger and can try to dig in deeper into the soul subconscious. Get to those wounds and traumas. This alone is so difficult! But oh what a wonderful feeling once you start healing these old wounds!!!! I can’t even describe the freedom that it brings. So please don’t give up and trust Melanie’s words and message in this video.
It all takes time………sending everyone good positive vibes. xoxo And thank you Melanie for all your important work.
And so it is……
Hi Linda,
Truly when we turn inwards and start releasing trauma to make space for healing to begin – like releasing an abyss – it truly is possible and quickly.
The Quantum Tools are not like the usual ways of trying to reparent our trauma or self soothe when our insides are like a Beirut battle field!
To experience this Quantum process you can go to http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar where many people do experience profound relief from this self-partnering and trauma release technique often instantly.
Mind you, I do love your beautiful and positive suggestions and thank you so much for your heart and kindness is sharing here.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Even tough I already know this I got in deeper at this time. “Embrace Loneliness”
Alone is al-one, or ALL ONE. There is no “out there.” There is only inside you. Once I began to go within and self-partner, I could then see and feel this was true. And if the feelings of loneliness come up again, I just do Module 1 and I remember that loneliness is just an illusion.
So very true Kathryn!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Mel,
I have been working on myself and modules for over a year. I’m doing better but the pain is real. His tactics keep going as I try to rebuild. He’s just a constant while I parallel parent. I do have great friends but I’m not sure they fully understand my pain. I feel the fear and loneliness daily. I continue to meditate and take care of me but this process is incredibly slow. I pray a lot and know life is slowly moving in the right direction and I will soon thrive. My heart still hurts
Hi Andrea,
Are you in the NARP Forum?
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
I would love you to be there so that myself and the incredible Moderator Thrivers can help support the investigation of what is going on for you and your breakthrough.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi! West does that mean investigation? I am a silver member. I have a few financial abuse difficulties so I have to wait! I follow all your news letters and still do modules, We are still in our custody battle. He’s manipulating kids and doing financial tricks. I have my ups and downs my I do feel a 2018 breakthrough will happen! I’m done with codependency! I love myself and my children and life
Awww, Mel, I LOVE the synchronicity of this episode for me!!! These are the EXACT things that I have really been struggling with in my recovery! And, it’s so interesting to me that it has seemed like the answers just WEREN’T COMING…but then today I actually had kind of a breakthrough on my own even before I saw this video–I was able to work my way through some despair and sadness and loneliness, and this time, instead of blaming someone else, especially my ex-narcissist, I realized that for the pain to end I had to COMPLETELY OWN my own wounds…and while this process was intensely humbling, I feel so peaceful!!!
And what is AMAZING is that there were a number of things that came into my life today–seemingly simple, just like your video–but they were all tremendously comforting, and made me feel like I was not alone, and that everything will be ok….is this what you are referring to when you talk about getting the inside right and then the outside changes???
It seems like I have been waiting FOREVER for my outside to change, and at times it has been hard to hang onto hope because I have felt like my inside had already changed significantly…but today I feel like I acknowledged in the depths of my soul my own need for healing–completely independent of anything that anyone else has done to me–and I reached out to God…and He reached back.
THANK YOU for your efforts to fulfill your life’s mission–you are an ANGEL!!! XO!
Hi Shanni,
I am so pleased you enjoyed this!
How, how beautiful to have the breakthrough you had today.
I am thrilled for you sweetheart.
So much love
Mel 🙏💕❤️
P.S. I stopped your video to repeat the mantra that you gave us–I said it probably at least 10 times, and it was so touching and empowering for me! It actually made me cry because I felt the strength from the words coming into my body, and I have written them down and plan to repeat them often. Loved it!
Awww how lovely Shanni!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Mel,
I have been working on the modules for over 6 months. They have greatly benefitted me in many ways but I do feel empty inside often. I feel that I will never feel joy again. I cry often infact almost every night. I feel my life is on hold. I quite a high paying job and am now running my own small shop, fortunately which needs my mininum presence and input. Once the business gets bigger I will need to put in more time and effort but feel so drained of energy that am not sure how I will have the zest and energy to grow the business. I am just getting by. Your video is helpful in knowing that what I am going through is a phase and I hope to come out the other end a better version of what I have ever been.
Hi Seema,
I really do believe there are specific beliefs and traumas possibly still within you that are responsible for the painful way you still feel.
I so remember back in the day feeling a chronic emptiness that was generated from an inner belief ‘I don’t deserve to exist’ which once treated with NARP work freed me to a state of lifeforce that I had never known existed.
I would love you to connect into the NARP Forum to receive some insight and suggestions about how to shift yourself to the true level of radiance that you deserve to live.
We all do …
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Like LindaC says, it’s taking a long slow process for me. Little by little. Step by step. Thank you
Hi Melanie,
I’m a big fan of yours.
Todays topic, fear and loneliness after Narc abuse strikes home with me.
Your program has been incredible for me and I have learned so much.
You cover everything with great depth and understanding and that in itself
gives me hope and somehow helps heal the pain of feeling alone and lonely.
Thank you for your hard work, compassion and care.
You inspire me.
Hi Lisa,
Please know how welcome you are.
Sending you love, breakthroughs and blessings!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Dear Mel.
Thank you for this video and your inspiration and healing teachings.
All three have been big factors in my life and the being misunderstood and the get over it syndrome impacted on me greatly driving me into isolation. The why cant i just get on with it was baffling! Emotional pain has been greatly misunderstood by others for me.
The fear of knowing that no one was at my helm and running around this world looking for help for over 40 years has been the greatest fracture for me. Just running and running trying to find healing and answers which have come through you and NARP.
I can get listening to Matt Kahn now because of NARP. It is emotional, and spiritually profound.
Thank you so much and thank you for the community which light up my journey.
Irene xxx
Hi Irene,
I am so pleased that NARP has helped you so much.
Absolutely people have repeatedly reflects back what hurts, and truly when we dive deep deep inside to heal that part of ourselves everything starts to shift.
Keep going, believing and shifting toward your True You.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Thank you so much, Im starting to feel a shift, After 37 years of marriage And the last 10 of living with what a Narciss Im trying to get it together, It has been the hardest to recoup, Its like a death, I lost my Mom, and the next week He decides he doesnt want any more, But still loves me?? Two years now And i continue for him to mess with my mind.. It gets better, then it returns But for the most part I feel pretty good.
I keep believing, I have hope, And I am blessed to come across this website.
Hi Rebecca,
I am so pleased that this community and my information can help.
Sending you love, strength and healing to keep recovering and claiming your True Self and Life powerfully.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
HI Melanie
I have started to become very comfortable with isolation and love being one my own but in an unhealthy way because any kind of connection leaves me anxious ready to come back into my apartment and not want to leave. I love sleeping and reading but I think I may be self avoiding because ever since I was a kid I never really made many friends right from the get go. After narcissistic abuse I have such a small capacity to do things and my window of tolerance is simply non existent. Always am dreaming and fantasizing about a life that could have been there but feel safe in confined space. Just feel lost in the woods and have felt like it for a long time.
Thanks Yaz
Hi Yaz,
I totally understand and after being abused when we been deeply traumatised of course we don’t want any more to happen!
Have you directly addressed and healed that trauma regarding the abuse? It seems very epigentic and past life as well as this life, and truly there are ways to release it and live free of it so that you can connect with life and people, whilst in your power and being safe.
I’d love to show you how that process of healing can begin for you.
http://www.melsnietoniaevans.com/freecourse
I hope this helps, because there is more to your life for you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I have been doing my best with this but sometimes days go by without someone to talk to other than a hi to a stranger. Social isolation is definitely on my list for the narp proceedure but I havent mafe any real progress .We are coming into the winter in the Northern Hemisphere which seems to make it more of a problem.
Hi Selkie,
If you would like help to target and shift into connection with life and others I’d love you to reach out in the NARP Forum for that assistance.
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
I hope that helps.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Thank you Mel.
Yes the pattern I have seems to make me reluctant to ask for help or reach out for fear of rejection
So I reckon that is exactly what I need to do
💐💐
How wonderful you will connect with us Selkie.
We are there for you!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Thank you for sharing this information. I feel like you have described me exactly, it has been almost 16 months since he left me. The heartache of discovering so many things that I wasn’t aware of during my 21+ years of marriage has brought me to my knees. No women in her right mind would ever want to see this man again. Yet, my heart aches for the man I loved but intellectually I know he doesn’t exist. My ex was living a double life and a true narcissist. After21+ years married I was at work when I received a text message that simply said “I moved out”. When I got home my house had been emptied, bank accounts were emptied etc.
I just turned 59 yrs old and some days I just want to give up, what’s the point in trying to move forward without the man I so deeply loved. But, I know I can do this, I can survive. I must find a way to let go.its been well over a year and I almost never leave my home, I work from home now so I can hide behind closed blinds.
Thank you for all the help you give to so many of us, I hope you know that you make such a difference.
Hi Vicki,
My heart goes out to you, what you have gone through is shocking and incredibly painful.
Please know that the Throver Way to heal is about letting go – powerfully letting go from our cells and being.
I know it is there you will get incredible freedom and relief: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
Thank you for your lovely words and know you are very welcome, I am so pleased I can help you.
Sending you strength, healing and solution.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I too am in the same situation as you. Just turned 58 years old and married 19 years, together 25 years and my husband too leading a double life. Discarded me just 8 months now and going through a bitter divorce. Yet, like you too, still miss him and am devastated by it all. I read Melanie’s message today and it said it all. However, I just want to encourage you and myself that God is good and we will come through this. Keep heart
Dear Clarvoyant Melanie,
Your work is so very soothing to this intense isolation. He has taken everything from me. Once I told him I would no longer be his wife…. he said I will ruin yours. And he has done just that.
I am afraid to post even on this site. He sees everything i do. Then he finds a way to contact me and mock me, to let
me know he sees all
I feel I have your site and nothing more. One hour a week with a therapist is a lovely respite but not much support.
I have learned not to circle back to him. I have learned grey rock. I have learned give him no supply. He never stops.
He seems to have many faces.
We still have court-mandated, very limited communication because of the minor children we share. Sometimes he is charming & kind, when asking for something from me. I have learned not to lean into or trust that, because a slam is just around the corner. He still sends me the messages of unworthiness, defining & labels, carefully woven into logistics. I do not bite back.
I try to cobble myself back together & try to insist to myself that he is not right. But I am looking around every corner, inside every greeting, & in my mirror reflection to see if he is. He’s so strong and I spent so many years trying to please & believe him….. it’s hard to walk away from that instinct.
Contact with him is continual reinjury, like trying to play a sport with a groin injury. No respite; I cannot heal. He won’t stop. I have tried attorney intervention (as a go-between), he bled me dry and showed up in a Porsche. I have tried an order from the judge to stop. Because he weaves it into logistics, they won’t arrest him. No friends will be the third party…. he’s so toxic no one would do that. No one. We live in a large city and ours is well-known as a bitter split for the ages. It need not be so, but for him everything is grand.
He dates constantly, and when his short relationships fail, he circles back to me and says “she couldn’t stand YOU. YOU ruined it for me.” I have no contact whatsoever. But he is happy to spread this to all “my ex wife made her so miserable & uncomfortable that she left me.” I feel like I’m naked, wherever I go.
I have no freedom. No healing. I don’t know how to move on. After 20 years of this conditioning & BLAME from him, this is all I know. The color of the sky is my fault & always was. I scurried around him like a mouse, trying to perfect it all, trying to be perfect, to impress him, to distract him from anything that would anger or displease him.
He’s taken my entire community & my parents & my family from me, which he happily broadcasts as a conquest. His relentlessly messages to me is ‘you ruined my life, now I will ruin yours’.
Melanie, your words are so intelligent, so smart, so good. Maybe there is no hope for me. I forge on for the exact & only reason I left him— to show my children that the way he treats & speaks to women is absolutely unacceptable & I will not raise children who think this modeled behavior to women is ok.
The reason I keep fighting is so my children are raised in a home different than I was. I chose what felt comfortable to me. I am breaking the cycle.
I want my children to have higher standards & understanding of what is ok behavior, to make better choices for themselves both in their own attitudes & perceptions of others, and thus who they choose as friends / partners. My children are my life. They come back from residential time with him broken & confused. He has messed them up and I start again.
My oldest child recorded his tirades (from behind closed doors). I had them transcribed. I fought to have them admitted in court, and eventually the judge ordered that my oldest son never has to attend visitation again. That was a big win (for my son). This leaves my younger two children vulnerable to more intense messaging & abuse, but I am here waiting for them, to help them unpack all the sadness, the pressure & the lies from him.
That does not mean I have any semblance of personal healing myself. It means I am a foundation for my family. I anchor us to the truth, not materialistic labels, lies & distinctly pathetic values. Teaching children to celebrate when a friend has a loss is truly sick. My house is a haven. The children are safe here…. although he never never never stops trying to get inside. Despite court orders & continual police surveillance.
Melanie, you are a fantastic leader in your field. Your words soothe & inspire me because I don’t feel so isolated & alone.
Thank you.
Hi labeled girl,
I am so sorry you have gone through everything that you have.
Please know that there are many people in this community who were terrorised for years (myself included) by very vengeful and persistent narcissists who found the way to completely change our inner landscape and then the outside shifted to match – meaning the narcissist became powerless to affect us anymore.
This was our journey out of our head and the high trauma of what was happening to us, into our body to release the trauma directly from there and do the reprogramming to anchor into and bring forth our true power.
The tool that we used was Quanta Freedom Healing and it is my strongest suggestion for you to check it out, and how it can you also get out of the hell that you are continually living.
I’d love you to come and experience it with me by connecting to my free inner transformational resources: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
It is my deepest wish for you that this helps.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
See, this is why I’m so blessed to have a 12-Step program of recovery, something that oddly, so many people side-step.
The holy spiritual is only available in person, and those rooms I am never alone.
Beautifully and incredibly, it also gives me a platform to speak up for myself about what happened, in the right way.
I get to say the truth, and I also allow others to see I will say something 🙂
I also have work I can do daily that includes a certain kind of writing (not “journaling”) where I can continue to grow and see myself: all the lies I tell myself and the beautiful truth.
All of your messages resonate with me. The one stood out is that it makes sense that we only attract people who hurt us until we have the courage and strength to me alone with ourselves. We will continue to be hurt unless we do. It is like all our answers to our problems are within. I have always loved Melanie’s words on no matter how many times we seek happiness on the outside it just defaults to our insides. It takes bravery to go within. But unless we do we will never heal or see the light of day. I so appreciate these reminders we go inside and meet our true selves and heal. It all makes perfect sense to me.
It totally is the key Patty,
And I am so pleased this resonates with you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Whew! Where do I start? I ask myself that often and it feels so overwhelming, I never do start. I am beginning to realize that in the back of mind I’m still telling myself that I’m the problem. That I am just blaming him, labeling him a narcissist, so I don’t have to take responsibility for the mess that my life has become. As I have been “moving” through acceptance that the man I was married to for 10 years, had a beautiful boy with, and divorced almost SEVEN YEARS ago is NPD, I’ve never trusted myself, my instincts, to really let myself believe it. Not 100%. Despite the overwhelming evidence I find in reading books and articles on NPD, in the personal stories of beautiful strangers who use my very words, and in your eerily timely emails and videos that speak so clearly to my heart. The evidence couldn’t be more clear and yet I’ve continued to doubt myself. Self doubt comes easy to me and I am beginning to see now its been the “easy” way out of the pain. If I allow a little doubt then I don’t have to KNOW. Knowing hurts. It spoke to me when you said that my inner being knows that no one is at the helm, and until I turn inward to heal, the pain will keep coming. My a-ha moment was this- if I do not believe in myself, my thoughts, my feelings, then I am believing in something or someone outside of myself to drive this freight train. I falsely believed that the pain was in knowing. It isn’t. The pain is in the disappearing, it’s in the lies, the hiding, the pretending, THE DOUBT. I purchased the NARP program last summer and, quite honestly I haven’t put the work in because it felt too much damn hard to face it all. That was wrong. THIS is hard. Isolation, loneliness, powerlessness is hard. When I read aloud the empowering statement, the tears came and are still coming. For a minute I wasn’t sure what the emotion was, but it was as if everything in body said, there it is, there it is. I think it must be what it feels like to truly resonate with something. I don’t know how you thank someone for that, but from the bottom of my heart, I thank you.
Stephanie
Awww Stephanie,
I hear you so much and thank you for your powerful and beautiful honesty. That is such an incredible start!
Sweetheart how about you come into the NARP Forum where we can help hold your hand and heart and support and guide you with your NARP work?
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
It’s time. It’s your time.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
In my personal process, I am just learning the difference of – what to me is – the meaning between loneliness, solitude & feeling completely, profoundly alone.
When I feel loneliness, I can go and maybe visit someone or go to town & be with people. When I want solitude, I enjoy spending time with just myself but what I realised (by doing a module) is that a core belief of mine was, that if I am not the ‘perfect co-dependent’, I will be utterly & completely alone!
I had that belief firmly cemented at a very young age and ever since I would do anything to avoid that absolutely terrifying feeling. It felt like I would truly stop existing!
A while ago I was experiencing a complete breakdown with utter aloneness (totally terrifying) without knowing what the heck was actually happening with me. I did mentioning that feeling to a fried (who was also a fully trained counsellor), and she said: well – get a dog….
A very timely, reaffirming video.
Melanie – I am sending you much gratitude for this gift you are sharing ❤️
Hi Jacqueline,
Thank you and I so hope I can help.
I do believe it is in the breakthrough in that breakdown to know that we do matter (are all matter at the Quantum Level) and that we are never alone because we are always eternally connected to All That Is (we are at the Quantum Level All That Is) that all feelings of separation dissolve and the knowing of Oneness begins.
Then we have the freedom to make choices in our body from a place of wholeness instead of neediness and brokenness.
It is so worth doing the work on those beliefs to get there, and with NARP you can.
Sending many blessings to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Thank you so much, Melanie, for this video. I wrote down the affirmation because like many of the comments , it has spoken to me to the bottom of my soul. Thank you also to the many comments, because I have needed to hear that some of you have had long relationships. I was married to my X for 44 years. It sounds totally incredible. Can someone believe his own false self? He had been living another life and slowly siphoning off all our money. He played the adoring husband. When the silent treatment and devaluation came I could not make sence of it.
It has been 3 years with no contact and a horrific divorce. I am 66. My greatest pain now is, that in running (my lawyer , councillor and family told me to run) has meant that I had to leave my little grandchildren. The pain and fear almost killed me. I could not eat or sleep for 2 years.
It is so helpful to know that I am not alone facing such horror, when I read that others have been through this. Although, I have used your Nap Program, I find that I feel like going back to my childhood abuse, scares me to almost dying .
I am somehow waiting for courage.
Thank you for your work. You have kept me afloat.
Hi Marie,
My heart goes out to you for the pain and losses that you have suffered.
I’d love you Dear Lady to connect in to our wonderful, loving, supportive NARP community so that we can help support you through your shifts to your new and true self.
Yes it is terrifying at first to meet our inner being traumas and we truly are dying to the old Self to become our new Self. Yet the only way out is through and the relief is indescribable on the other side.
We can help you with how to go through this process here http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
If you have any issue connecting into The NARP Forum please email one of my caring support team at [email protected] for help.
Please know Marie that you are welcome and that myself and the NARP community are here to help support you further, you don’t have to do this alone.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Yes, loneliness is a bad thing…exactly that’s when I feel the “need” to pick the phone and send a message to the ex n. Sometimes I actually do! Sometimes he answers, sometimes not.
I think our relationship has actually become better ever since it ended. I know “no contact” is recommended here, but if I sometimes want to communicate with him…I’m an adult woman and do not need anyone’s permission. If I want send something and it makes ME feel better, then why not. I’m fully aware of his personality disorder, and that he is and never really will be like a normal human being.
I have healed well, I think I’m nowadays even thriving in life. Many people here are probably shocked that I actually still want to keep the n somehow in my life, as a somekind of a distant friend. His weirdness, manipulation and whims do not affect me anymore, since I don’t take any of it personally anymore. I’ve learned to set boundaries.
I think it is perfectly humane wanting to connect with other human beings. Even the bible says, it is not good for a human being to be alone. I don’t think loneliness is something we need to “heal”, I think it is normal reaction, if I feel alone and want to connect with someone. Of course, now when I’m well on may way to recovery, I could start to consider connecting with some healthier men than the ex n 🙂
*If the feeling of pain of the breakdown of your life from narcissistic abuse is a 10/10 on the scale, then I promise you the breakthrough feelings on the other side are a 10/10 of even greater magnitude.
This is so true, exactly like I was! Nowadays what I feel is profound PEACE.
Hi Julia,
I guess the thing in this community is that I am a little loathe to promote people picking up the phone to contact their ex narc at any time regardless of whether lonely or not.
I understand as you say that you have it in perspective and perhaps you do, yet lots of us – including myself – used to tell myself all the time that I had it in perspective and that I could talk to him or meet him ‘just this time’ and it would all be fine.
It wasn’t. It would plummet me into trauma and addiction over and over again. Remaining connected to him nearly killed me as it has many of us.
This I have absolutely seen over the years – that the people who do stay connected to get a need fulfilled by the narcissist in some way such as money, security, sex, companionship, a hit of connection etc delay their moving forward, and becoming that source healthily with themselves and crossing then the threshold into obtaining ‘more’ of that from other healthy, non narcissistic sources.
That is where the development is, giving up the ‘junk’ going empty and then doing the work on ourselves, changing our painful relationship patterns forever and waiting for the real stuff.
It’s totally uncomfortable but it’s where we breakdown the old order and breakthrough to the new.
Thank you for you share, and in all all responsibility to the healing container of this community my conscience needed me to share this in response to your comment.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I’m little bit tired with “becoming that source healthily with themselves”. For example when it comes to sex, how I become source for that by myself? Men attract women and vice versa, if that wasn’t the case, the humankind would not exist anymore.
To my “defence” I must say, I do not live anymore even in the same country like the ex n. This had nothing to do with him, but my work etc. He has never been in my home country and does not know how my everyday life is here, so he does not “infiltrate” here. I can meet him occasionally if I travel to his country or send christmas card. So I consider this “safe” and quite harmless to me. Why I want to do it, I don’t know…
What has helped enormously, in this my healing process, is to “soften” around all the feelings I might have towards him. If I’m not 100% over him, it’s okay. I don’t need to be perfectly healed. I don’t need to feel perfectly 100% of the time. I don’t need to have perfect feelings. If I feel I “love” him, it is ok too. If I can’t forget about him quickly, immediately and totally, it is okay too. Maybe I never will. For years I thought what self love means…I think it is just this, that I accept all of myself as I am, even with mess and “unfinished feelings”. Everything doesn’t have to be so overly dramatic. Everything doesn’t have to make sense. This is how I started to feel peace within myself, regardless what the n is or isn’t, does or doesn’t do.
Melanie,
Hi, thank you for this video. Questions come up for me: Is this person able to terrorize me because of my past traumas in childhood? I was bullied as a child. Would another woman who was married to this type man, had children with him, then separated and the abuse continues… not be bothered by his constant lies, manipulation and harassment? Or would he never have picked them because he only picks an empath?
I’ve gotten the 16 free lessons but haven’t committed to the full program. Would that help me release any and all trauma to where he efforts wouldn’t bother me like they do now? And if so what would my reaction be to him when he say…tries to manipulate our child into thinking I don’t like him but he likes me and she asks me questions around this? She’s 4….I’m trying to imagine? I would be like…”oh, there that o’le NARC again playing games…haha…”oh, honey mommy respects daddy…don’t worry about that, love and compassion in the world is where it’s at…” And then I’d just leave it at that and not obsess about the fact that he’s corrupted my little girl’s mind, his going to turn her against me?
I’m trying to see what’s on the other side. I guess since I can imagine I’m almost there??
What are your thoughts on this?
Hi E,
It truly is so hard to imagine what that other side would be, because it is not our mental construct that will get us there, it is in the changing of our inner landscape that we do.
To put it into perspective for you, a narcissist is a narcissist who hooks and abuses people through their wounds.
The same narcissist will act completely differently with different people, responding in the way they can hook and abuse that person.
Absolutely if you release and heal the traumas that are being triggered you will get to the place of feeling less derailed and more able to detach or do pro actions that generate solution.
Then the narcissist loses the feed from you to have power in these situations and must give it up because narcissistic supply is not forthcoming.
When you start doing the inner shift work with NARP that is when you start to see this all unfold.
I hope that helps explain!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I recently learned out about triangulation and discarding, and it felt like a curtain was lifted from my eyes. I already knew about gaslighting, which I also experienced in other areas of life.
It’s so hard to label my ex as a N, as he’s so polite and friendly with most people, and he never beat me, etc, etc.
He was the person I trusted the most in my life, outside family members. He was a source of happiness. With him, I felt like I finally could start opening up to people and letting somebody get closer.
The betryal was too much. Discovering he had betrayed me during a period of stonewalling, I understood that this was it. Our relationship would never be the same again.
I fell back to him a few times, sharing some emotional and, once, physical closeness. I went through, and am still going through, strong withdrawal symptoms. But I still don’t trust him. My mind and body seeks him, my brain has seen that something cannot be fixed.
My anxiety and PTSD symptoms have flared up. I’ve reached a level of suicidal thoughts I’ve never reached before. I alternate between being a literal hermit and walking around like a numb, smiling doll.
The wound of loneliness runs deep, from childhood and my teen years. He made me feel a connection, before freezing me out with no explaination. This feels like a dangerous addiction. I stay away, go no contact, but I can’t feel close to anybody else either. The thought of him chokes me every day, even though it’s been a couple of years.
I’ve tried going no contact a couple of times, the last time I’ve been succesful for nearly a year. He’s so confusing, runs hot and cold, from his behaviour he doesn’t care about me, at least not in any deep way, but sometimes he wants so socialize, acting like nothing has happened.
I feel literally drained, many days it’s impossible to care about anything and anyone, particularly myself.
Hi 23,
My heart goes out to you. I promise you I understand – because that was the level of traumatic connection and reality I went through with narcissist number 1 as well.
Please know that there is a way to recover us from this terrible soul trauma that saved my life and so many others who have been where you are, and I’d love to extend this out to help you.
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
Sending you love, strength and healing.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
My aha is that loneliness is a lack of connection to self and isolation is a lack of connection to others.
That’s awesome Hilary!
So true!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hello all. I’ve been studying with Mel all this year but just recently joined NARP. I’m doing module 1 several times to really become acquainted with how QFH is done.
I’m really trying to get a grasp of how to not want or need anyone in my life. As Mel says, we’re all co-dependent to some degree but then of course when it’s out of balance there’s a big problem. Due to N/Co-dep parents (not judging … just stating) my siblings and I all have issues whether they believe it or not. The story goes downhill from there but due to living geographically apart from each other along with never having been close in the first place, there’s no real communication between us. If it could be cordial I would certainly be willing but when our mother died … let’s just say all the icky stuff floated to the top … I was made very aware that two of my siblings (female) actually hate me and it was a huge revelation to me. I had no idea their feelings were so toxic and visceral … again, we weren’t close in the first place and so forth but what had I done??? Brother helped me to understand that it really had nothing to do with me. It took a while for that to sink in because, you see, I had not yet identified the N/Co-dep dynamics so it must have been my fault, right?? So here I am … no family … N left seven years ago (didn’t know until after he left that it was Narcissism all those 16+ years!), mother died four years ago … just my daughter and myself.
SO …… here I am a single mom … devastation and wreckage left behind in the path of my life. I will continue to move forward through the modules but this weekend the loneliness and isolation has just been so intense. Suffocating. Frightening. It seems so permanent because it’s so “familiar.” Terribly insidious. I’ve had to move a lot in life and even though we’ve been in the same place now for 10 years I don’t have a strong friend support system due to some having moved away but mostly because after the financial hit here in the USA, moms had to go back to work. People aren’t having face to face relationships/friendships anymore …it’s all digital.
I’m not a recluse … I get out, work, enjoy people I meet in the course of a day … I’m taking a class so I enjoy that, but there’s no one to really connect with who knows me and cares and has, or will make, TIME … because they have their own life to face and deal with each day.
I was taught my whole life that God would look out for me, but I’m not saying he hasn’t done anything. I cannot count the times I’ve been told I needed to learn how to “wait” on God. So, while I’ve been working and doing and keeping on keeping on, I thought God was “working behind the scenes on my behalf” (also repeated countless times) to make everything fall into place. Right now I’m just very lonely and distraught. I can’t say I want another love interest right now, but if I could have a couple of real friends who had TIME now and then … that would be really nice.
I need some perspective today if anyone has time to help me. Thank you.
Hi Robin sweetheart,
I so so hear you lovely lady and want to send you a big hug and much cyber love.
First of all please connect up in the NARP Forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
You dont need to be alone or feel like you are doing this work alone. Here you have your tribe who totally understand what you are going through and can help you heal.
Also, I want to help you to understand just how painful and powerful our belief systems are.
As you said ‘nobody cares about me and they are all busy with their own lives’ (or something to that effect).
That is the experience more than likely you suffered from your family and it is now a very painful trauma playing out everywhere as ‘real’ in your life. In the NARP Healing work you can target EXACTLY that oh so painful belief to free yourself from it and literally change the entire life trajectory you will be existing in.
In the NARP Forum we can assist you do much more with all of this to start moving you powerfully through to your breakthroughs, from these breakdowns.
I so hope this helps.
Sending love, strength and healing and I trust we will see you in the Forum soon.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hello Melanie!
Thank you so very much for responding so quickly! I just finished another session of the long version of Module 1 an hour or so ago. You are so right in your description in the tutorial proceeding the modules when you say it’s like layers of an onion: The deeper you go, the more that’s revealed and more showed up during this session than the first.
I do see what you’re saying … when I do Module 1 again I will definitely target that belief. I did my first post on the forum recently but I chose to use a forum “I.D.” instead of my name. I did get some really good feedback and a moderator said it was well received; however, I wanted to re-read some of the responses again as a couple of them had links to info on your site and others, etc., but when I went back it was gone … removed, and when I checked my I.D. under “members” it shows I have ‘0’ posts. I did read the rules, etc., so I was in compliance … how do I find out if I can still access it? Not sure what happened but I didn’t know if I should post again; I watched this episode and read the transcript and it was definitely addressing my issue this weekend so I thought I would comment here on the blog.
I thank you so very much again for responding so quickly … I really am determined to do the work and am purposing to get used to how the healing process works so I can make progress and see it working for real in my life. I also gave your web site address to a friend tonight as she knows someone who would benefit greatly from your resources ….. I truly hope she will go to your site and ready your story as I believe she would truly relate and be helped!
THANK YOU AND BIG HUG !!!!!
Hi Robin,
You are very welcome and I am
pleased this helped.
Please know I dont know what could have happened in the Forum or with that thread, as I am so not the technical person!
If you email [email protected] one of my amazing team members will help you.
Robin thank you for your referral and big hugs and love back.
How wonderful the time is right for you and that you are determined to heal.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I discovered the beauty of loneliness about 13 years ago. The beauty of it was that I began a journey of self discovery and self cherishing. I began to enjoy my own time, treasure it. I had small children, so it was hard. But it was like savoring hot soup on a cold wintry day. Precious and golden. That is when I knew I needed to do more to find my way out of the aftermath of childhood N abuse. The more I discovered about myself the more there was to discover. The more I sorted and resolved, the more new and different pain points popped up. So I kept going and reading and helping myself until I found you. And you sped up the learning curve like nothing and no one else. I stand much more solid and confident because you had the heart to show people the way.
I’ve heard it said that the hardest thing to do is leave the N. That it’s worse than a crack cocaine addiction. But for me, it was easy. Truly. To get out from under that barrage of abuse was like escaping Pompeii. The hardest thing for me was to look around and realize I was stuck in hell, until I figured out how to extract the past from who I am. Your statement in this episode about how it can be harder to deal with what comes AFTER the abuse than the abuse itself hits like a lightning rod of truth.
God bless you,
JAM
Hi JAM,
I love how you describe the gift of ‘aloneness’. I couldn’t agree more.
How beautiful along that journey you found your way here to myself and this amazing community.
We are so blessed to be able to self partner and finally find our way home back to ourselves.
Sending you so much love and continued joy Dear Lady.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Thank you, Melanie, for referring me to this video. My situation is this: I got my identity back after what she did to me, which has played out in being my true self, and the letting go of those few friendships where there were traits that I could no longer deal with. The thing is, I don’t have anyone now. I have no family, which is to say that I am estranged from them because of all their abuse. They simply want nothing to do with me (mother is a narcissist, father abandoned me). So, post-narcissistic abuse, I am more alone than I’ve ever been in my life. I’m not getting hurt anymore, but i know that humans are not designed to live alone. We need each other for love, support, fellowship, and a sense of connection. I’ve just found that without people in my life, I feel my life to be meaningless and purposeless. No matter what I do I feel empty. I think I understand all that you said in the video, but I have nothing to work with. When I am around others, I am gregarious, outgoing, authentic, genuine, and try to stay positive because people in this day in age hate anything negative. But, still, nothing ever happens. I don’t know what else to do. I’m desperate for relationship, but I’m not going to let anyone hurt me.
Hi Scott,
Please know Dear Man that there is a way to deeply heal the emptiness in order to feel full and then be able to attract that and share that with ‘full’ others.
It’s the inner work and it’s essential otherwise we are only going to be magnets for empty energy vampires or manifest more emptiness and loneliness.
The inner work is the answer and can start here: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
Mel 🙏💕❤️
This definitely captures how I feel. Even after 16 months of recovery time, and a lot of self-attention, I’m still just empty, my life is barren, I have nothing to do, no good is coming in, I have no one, and I only sit and wonder what I’m going to do. I feel ready to rejoin the human race, but things just aren’t working for me, so I keep falling into despair. I can’t believe that this wilderness is my life. I can’t believe no one wants me, now that I’ve gotten the healing I needed. But I’ve been rejected my whole life, and I’ve thought that surely this will change that. But, no, I’m still alone. I just don’t know what to do.
HI Scott,
I have recently gone through a very similar experience. Its brutal but we are going to okay!
Kimberley
Hi Melanie
This resonates with me. I think i probably got into relationships because i knew my kids were gonna eventually leave home and didnt want to be on my own . What a mistake that was. I did suffer with empty nest syndrome. I was absolutely dreading christmas this year. My daughter moved out beginning of december. I ended up enjoying the time on my own. I saw all my kids over christmas. But generally suited myself. Also found the narc an narp during this time. So i guess that was everything rolled into one the fear of being lonely was worse than the happening, something good came out of it. I do still isolate myself quite a bit but feel like im still healing and need this time to myself.
Jenny
I’ve been following your videos for some time now but this one is one of my favorites. I see the comments are from 2018 here but I wanted to thank you for this one. I bought your book and have been slowly trying to release and heal a lifetime of trauma. I can’t wait for the day when the N who finally broke and nearly killed me, leaves my consciousness for good.
Hi Chanel,
I’m so pleased that this video really spoke you.
You are very welcome!
Chanel, have you looked out my NARP program? http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
My book absolutely will help you greatly, however NARP is the most powerful way to purge the abuse in this person out of your system, and reclaim your new life.
Sending you healing and breakthrough.
Much Love
Mel 🙏💕💛
I have had my aha moment the forum and support is wonderful