Melanie Tonia Evans

Can You Ever Be Safe From Narcissists?

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 16
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

When my life had been turned upside down and inside out, by a pathological person hurting me more than I thought humanly possible, I remember thinking …

How could my judgement have been so wrong?

How could I have let this person into myself and my inner world, thinking that he was the most trustworthy person I had ever known … only to be hit with total carnage instead?

I know, like my previous self, you may feel totally shell-shocked at the possibility of more wolves in sheep’s clothing entering your life.

It’s not just concerning; it’s downright terrifying because when they do EVERYTHING is at stake …

Your emotional, mental and physical health, your finances and all and everyone who is dear to you … and literally your SOUL.

After getting away and even recovering from narcissistic abuse, how on earth can we ever be safe again?

Is it possible and how?

In today’s Thriver TV I want to give you the most important steps to follow so that you will not only develop yourself to feel completely inoculated against narcissists, you will literally never even fear being with one again.

That’s right – narcissists simply won’t be your reality.

 

 

Before I begin today’s episode I want you to know that we are soon approaching the release of my new book You Can Thrive After Narcissistic Abuse. The release date is only 6 weeks away!

To celebrate the release of my book, myself and the MTE team have been working very hard over the last couple of months and we are very excited to tell you that we will be hosting a 6 weeks to launch party – where we will be releasing lots of content to heal form narcissistic abuse, for real.

Included will be:

  • Exciting interviews with experts from a range of different fields.
  • Lots of new video presentations, articles and posts across our social platforms.
  • Live Q and A’s and
  • Giveaways!

To get all the material we have coming your way, please make sure you are subscribed to the New Life newsletter and also subscribed to my YouTube channel and following me on Facebook and Instagram.

Alright … now on to today’s video!

It truly is terrifying, initially, once we start understanding there are people in the world who just don’t think and operate the way we do.

It is unfathomable to most of us that there are people who mine, manipulate and purposefully scheme their agendas despite the terrible way it affects others – without conscience, remorse or care.

This defies what we have believed about human nature and it can seriously compromise our ability to ‘see the good in people’.

After this shock to the very core of our spirit, can we be safe in Life again?

I truly believe we can. And the way we can is to heal our fear, walk our truth and show up making the choices that do nourish and flourish our soul and completely leave alone what doesn’t.

Let me explain how …

 

Becoming Anti Fear

I talk a lot about anti-fear in this community and for a very good reason – because we are waking up as a collective humanity into taking responsibility for our consciousness and just how powerful we are as Quantum Creators. What this means is if we spend our days researching narcissists, believing they are everywhere and that we must arm, protect and guard ourselves against them, then what have we become?

The truth is we are NOT safe, rather we are magnets for more of what we are trying to defend ourselves from. Just like how dogs bite people who are scared of them and sharks are drawn to bleeding bodies in water, we also become targets for exactly what we fear.

Let me share this simple to understand example with you. I have previously been a dating coach, helping women date and meet men online. The people who are stuck in the fears of ‘men are only after one thing’ continually get hit on inappropriately, sexualised and traumatised by men doing this.

Yet, the women who have absolutely no fear of men acting inappropriately and if they did would simply ‘ block and delete’, hardly ever (if ever) come up against this and are so prepared that if they do they would have a laugh at the ‘twit’ devaluing them, thinking that is attractive and would be over it and on to their next chosen reality as quickly as it takes to boil a kettle.

However, the women who are fearful and carrying trauma and terror could spend an entire month agonising over how men are, how there are no good ones available and what hope do they have? In fact, after a couple of these experiences, they would probably ditch dating altogether, sinking into even further contraction and fear.

I love this Quantum analogy – when we are no longer scared to walk under ladders there will be no more on our path. Our job is not to try to avoid ladders, rather it is to welcome them showing up, and then show up powerfully ourselves and be fully prepared to walk under them.

Then you will no longer need to.

I hope you understand this because it is everything. And in identical ways if we don’t become anti-fear with narcissists then we can never be free to access emotionally, vibrationally and for real the good stuff in our life.

 

Not My Reality

I love ‘block and delete’ when we realise an experience or person is toxic, abusive and not the alignment of our values and truth. When we are still stuck in our inner trauma that matches what this person is hurting us with – we will stay connected, even if just emotionally and mentally.

If we are still rolling around in it, we have not yet dedicated enough to turning inwards to purge, heal and up-level the pain and trauma within us that is being significantly triggered (like the women who carry the traumatic beliefs ‘men are only after one thing’).

Unconsciously what we are doing is trying to figure out, change and fix the billions of people and situations in the world in order to feel safe – rather than letting go, going within and doing the real work on the only person who we ever can – ourselves.

How do we know that we have done this successfully? When the urge and desire to obsess or fear this thing or person in your life gets less and less and your real life that is a million miles from that previous reality gets more and more.

But it takes work, it takes development, and it takes the understanding that this is where our growth is, this is the REAL opportunity and grist of painful people and experiences, and the longer we keep looking outwards and fearing, researching and protecting the more we deny this to ourselves.

Once you know someone is pathological, non-accountable, unconscious and has no ability to be remorseful or truthful or have consideration for others and is not aligned with your truth and values – stop playing. Block and delete, let go and turn inwards to work as hard as it takes on yourself to release all connections, attachments, and feelings for this person.

Then they will become Not Your Reality.

Not only will the pain about this person stop, you will also have graduated beyond the unconscious tendency to connect to other people at this painful lower vibrational level again. Does that inner development feel empowering and make you safer in your own body going forward into the future?

You bet it does!

 

Your Authentic Self Revolution

This is the deal, if we are hungry we may look to junk food as an instant hit to feel better. We make excuses for what we choose and don’t care about how that faux food could be abusing us.

The same is true regarding our inner development. If we are not dedicated to feeling full, whole and releasing ourselves from our traumas of CRAP – the fears of criticism, rejection, abandonment and punishment that made us play small, go along, keep the peace, continue to believe lies and excuse unacceptable behavior and hand our power away to abusive people, then we will choose relationships and situations that are as toxic for us as junk food.

If this is the case, of course we are going to be in fear. Of course, we are not safe, and the thing that brings us the most fear is this: ‘I can’t trust myself, I can’t show up and back myself and I still try to get other people to grant me love, approval, survival and security instead of being these sources to myself.’

When we are full, healthy and self-loving we are no longer relationship addicts trying to self-medicate our inner emptiness. We don’t jump straight into friendships, love affairs and business deals with people. We are not living in a society where people are holding a gun to our head making us do these things; we are now waking up to the truth that we are Quantum Creators making up all our experiences, and unfolding them, from our own inner beings.

We can have power, by trusting and listening to any uneasy feelings in our inner gut (tell me it’s not usually 100% right!) ask questions, take our time, draw up contracts, honour ourselves, retain our boundaries, investigate anything that we need to, and know there is an unlimited supply coming our way if this ‘one’ doesn’t work out. We understand that at Quantum Reality there are trillions of permutations that are being called forth from our inner alignment constantly.

Please know no narcissist will hang around while you do your due diligence. They are instant gratification junkies – they need the hit of narcissistic supply and your energy very quickly or not at all. If they know the deal is not stacked massively in their favour, because you are too self-respecting and honouring, they will need to move on to easier pastures.

 

The Power of Being You

I promise you, in my life now I don’t consider if someone is a narcissist or not. It’s not even important and I truly don’t care. I actually don’t have the energy to work out other people, I’d rather just be myself.

I have found the biggest inoculation is  I don’t hand people my ‘sad stories’ for them to tell me how they will be the oasis in my desert to fix it (narcissists are experts in this) because I now have taken full responsibility for healing my own sad stories myself.

Additionally, I am prepared to have the difficult conversations, honour my gut feelings and tell the truth about what I feel or need to retain my boundaries and values.

Toxic people leave my experience because they can’t mine me to their own benefit anymore and beautiful genuine people gravitate towards the realness because it reflects who they are themselves.

Is fear necessary? Not at all. I have less fear than I ever have, even though previous narcissistic experiences desecrated me to a millimeter of losing my life. What was necessary for my transformation was the intense work on myself so that I could be totally confident and comfortable in my own body and skin regardless of what anyone else is or isn’t doing.

Gosh … I hope this has helped inspire you to become this true version of yourself also!

Can you see how our world would transform personally and collectively and how narcissists would be starved of any energy or power whatsoever if we all just put in the effort and work to become fully ourselves?

Truly, when we work on ourselves and make it our greatest mission to develop and show up as our authentic self, narcissists are about as relevant as the greasy hamburger that we just don’t even think about eating anymore.

If you know it’s time to get to this level and you deeply feel the truth of what I am saying – join me on the other side (this side!) – which starts by connecting to my free inner transformational 16-day recovery course, which includes an invitation to a healing workshop with me, a set of eBooks and lots more. To access these, just click the link on the top right of this video.

And if you want to see more videos make sure you like and subscribe, so you get notified as soon as each new video is released.

I’ve really loved sharing this with you today, and I’m really looking forward to our conversation about this!

And make sure you are linked in to receive all upcoming notifications of my 6 week Pre Book Launch Party!

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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34 Thoughts on Can You Ever Be Safe From Narcissists?
  • kimstenning78@yahoo.com.au'
    Kim
    September 29, 2018

    So inspiring, I feel like I am getting closer to this point. I have been working on self acceptance and feeling comfortable in the present moment. Secondly, I see that a playful type of courage is needed, so that you can be bold but at the same time not take the process too seriously.

    Recently, when I have been attending social engagements, I have consciously approached the events having zero expectations. For example having a good time, receiving any attention, connecting with anyone or even having people respond to invitations. I’m learning to just be okay with my own experience, whatever it is.

    I’m hoping this will build my skills to just be okay and not attached to any specific outcome.

    I love “block and delete”. I’ll be using that on any one with a “I’m the victim, someone like you could really help me” story LOL.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 30, 2018

      Hi Kim,

      I love that you have come this far and can see the humour in growth and are in the now allowing life to unfold.

      Yes block and delete is very helpful for sure.

      No deal!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    • msviking212@msn.com'
      Carol Rafferty
      October 11, 2018

      I’m not afraid of any narc, except my narc. Even some of the coaches have told me to be very careful. I have a case worker, because of this. As long as we are both on this earth, I will never be completely safe!!! My doctor told me, when he gets out of the medical building he wants me to get a restraining order against him.

  • nesilaw@outlook.com'
    "Aneas"
    September 29, 2018

    Love this! So encouraging while moving in this direction with you. Congratulations on that new book!!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 30, 2018

      Hi Aneas,

      That’s awesome that this resonated with you!

      Thank you and bless you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • buttercupbetty16@hotmail.com'
    Barbara Thomson
    September 29, 2018

    I loved this Melanie, it helped me to see how far I have come. Now I have worked on myself and found the courage to speak the truth I am so much more less fearful of people and life.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 30, 2018

      Hi Barbara,

      I’m so happy for you that you are at this place.

      Many continued blessings to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Irene.zalewski@icloud.com'
    Irene
    September 29, 2018

    Hi Mel

    Having been in fear all the time, i felt afraid of what you said then having heard it 3 times, I felt easier oh this is the way to go. It is the work for me and it feels hard and thats what it is.
    Thanks for being so clear.
    Irene xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 30, 2018

      Hi Irene,

      That is wonderful that you felt this in your body and the truth of this.

      It so is the way.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • hannah.woolhouse@gmail.com'
    Tuesday
    September 29, 2018

    Dear Melanie

    Thank you again for the clarity you bring (repeatedly!) to this issue. It’s good to hear the same essential message from many different angles – for some lucky people it may get through immediately, I’ve been following for a year now and “Narping” and for me the repetition, the drip by drip or homeopathic approach is good. You reinforce the message and build on it constantly and it does get through!
    I am SO looking forward to your book, I’m sure it’s going to be wonderful.

    Many thanks, much love
    Tuesday

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 30, 2018

      Hi Tuesday,

      You are very welcome. You are totally correct it is the same message in many various angles and forms!

      Thank you for supporting my book and so much love to you too!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • andrea_hobkirk@yahoo.com'
    Andrea
    September 29, 2018

    It is inspiring but I am at a different place. I’m not afraid of narcissists. I’m ready to move in. I am not divorced yet but hopefully December. My stbx narc is just still the trickster regarding my kids and money. The tactics are annoying and hurt me financially.
    Advice?

  • analaura_ml@hotmail.com'
    Ana
    September 30, 2018

    Andrea, get a very good attorney from the begining, and you keep a cold mind. He (the narcissist) is what he is and do what he does. Leave your feelings apart of your finantial interests and the best for your kids. Your attorney must be a step ahead all the time to protect you legally.

  • jenniforlife1@gmail.com'
    JAM
    September 30, 2018

    Dear Melanie,

    Thank you for the insight. It’s been awhile since I’ve posted. I’ve done so much healing work (and growing in healthy directions) through NARP and beyond for several years now. I believe I have reached a stable level of detachment from the N’s in my extended family. Which brings me to this question: What if I just don’t want to be around them? I don’t enjoy their behavior (manipulation, projecting a false image, violent temper, emotional game playing, bullying, etc.). It’s not that I get personally offended, deeply sad, confused, or angry. In fact, I am at that place of mild pity and fascination with their condition in life. But I just don’t want to hang out with them. It’s not enjoyable. They are not open to reform, there’s no real connecting with them, and the “interaction” is useless. Plus, I don’t want them to have a significantly negative influence on my children. I actually think small amounts of exposure is an important inoculation process for my kids, to help bring them to awareness, healthy boundaries and coping skills. These teaching moments are a gift and I use them as opportunities. But I do also want to draw lines and foster a healthy balance. I have no interest whatsoever in seeing the N’s, though I endure a couple visits a year. I am thinking that it being a “must” to hang out with them is not written on the Great Instruction Book of Life anywhere, nor is it written on my soul. Sure, I wish I had more extended family that was healthy, kind, and stable, but I don’t. It is what it is. However, my husband and I don’t always align on how much time to spend with N’s. Thank you and God bless. Congratulations on your book!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 30, 2018

      Hi Jam,

      I totally believe that our decisions are the most authentic when you are aligned with what feels right for our True Self.

      Absolutely honour that!

      Thank you regarding my book.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • msviking212@msn.com'
    Carol Rafferty
    September 30, 2018

    Well, hello there, my beautiful friend! I have now reached a little over six months of no contact. I found out something about my narc/psycho that sickened me & I could never go back to him. I ditch quite a few people, including my family. Once a flying monkey, always a flying monkey. They knew he was cheating on me & kept it from me & even lied about it, but have discovered the truth on my own. What am I doing about it, MOVING ON. Not anywhere ready for a relationship. If Mr. Right wants to be in my life, he will have to come to me, because I’M NOT LOOKING. I made a few new friends who seem to be good people. Hope so. I’m in isolation, but I feel now is not the time to worry about other people, but to work on me. I found how self sufficient I’m & even fixed the toilet. LOL I am learning mindfulness & actually getting lost in the moment. Doing dishes by hand, is my time for self reflection. I have already given advice & one actually took it. She came back to tell me what I had helped her with. Great feeling isn’t it!! I’m an inspirational writer. Also an advocate for humanity & change. Not one of those trouble makers. They are not advocates. I teach inspiration & occasionally work with the suicidal. I keep them out of the hospital. When I start feeling better & can trust making appointments, I’m thinking of becoming a interior designer & organizer consultant. Right now, I’m working on me & getting back to where I was, taking care of my health & redoing my apt & organizing my office (A big job). Keeping busy heals me, so I will never complain about that!! Thank you, so much for just being you,Melanie.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 30, 2018

      Hi Carol,

      That is wonderful that you have made you and your healing the greatest priority.

      You will reap wonderful dividends as a result.

      Many blessings to you and your True Life.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • anna_elina@luukku.com'
    Anna
    September 30, 2018

    Hi,
    With all respect and sense of humor, I don’t really like it when you use the word quantum. Nobody really knows how quantum physics/energy works! Some scientist said, if you think you understand quantum physics…you don’t.

    I love it what relationship expert Katherine Woodward Thomas has said: patterns do not become cleared in journaling sessions or meditation. They become cleared in real life. In other words, to say no to unhealthy people/relationships.

    I have already attracted 2, possibly even 3 n’s. After the last and most painful one, I finally had the courage to have a date. This man seemed to be really nice, cheerful, normal. I said, if we could go to visit the zoo. (I wanted us to spend time in some public, safe place!). He said why not, he has never visited it. Then some time later he said, “naah, I don’t want, I have already visited the zoo multiple times”. I found this very very alarming. It sounded like a white lie. I asked if he has a girlfriend, he said no, but this question seemed to annoy him. He seemed to be really nice and decent, but my intuition picked some strange vibe from him. Then later he said to me: I’m disappointed with you. Me!? That’s when I started to think whether this one is a n too…I was disappointed with him, and then he turns it that way that he is disappointed with ME. Bizarre. This is the sad thing after n abuse. Even the tiniest hint might mean, that a man is a n, I feel like I’m some secret detective.
    I felt discouraged, have I again attracted a n? I was like, come on universe…could you the next time just send me someone normal! 🙂
    Anyways, n or not, his behaviour was not ok for me. I do not call or message with him anymore, do not meet him anymore. I do not feel or hope anything towards him anymore. I was able to detach myself quickly. I’m very proud of myself!! 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 30, 2018

      Hi Anna,

      Katherine and I both totally believe that in real life we need to show up differently, yet when we have significant trauma making this very difficult to do, investigating and doing the work on our inner programs is incredibly helpful.

      Regarding your situation maybe he found the zoo to be a strange request for a first date and when you feel stronger inside you would be comfortable sitting with a man in a coffee shop for example and having no distractions so that you can tune into him and connect and ascertain whether he has the character and capacity to be a potential love partner.

      Also quite possibly asking someone if they are single and for how long may come across as a little less suspicious than ‘do you have a girlfriend?’

      When we are scared and timid still and on the back foot it may give out a vibe to others who then grant a vibe back. Just as we are distrusting of them, they become distrusting of our funky energy.

      However if we do go within and do the inner work to free ourselves from these fearful traumas then we have the capacity to show up in more whole, empowered and less fearful ways.

      I know personally, there is no way I could have dated healthily, after narcissistic abuse without doing the inner work period – I also would have been way too fearful to connect healthily to good solid decent men.

      Some people can get on with it at this level, and I have met many many others who couldn’t.

      I guess it doesn’t matter what we call the inner processes, but I’d love to invite you directly into one of my free webinars so that you can experience the powerful shifts of Quanta Freedom Healing for yourself: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Then you will have had the real life experience to know what it is capable of producing.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • anna_elina@luukku.com'
        Anna
        September 30, 2018

        Hmm, I’m not sure…I feel you are defending this man (who possibly IS a n!) and blaming me 🙁 I’m just recovering, and taking baby steps…all kinds of misstakes are possible and even understandable I think at this point :/
        This was actually supposed to be the second date. The first one was in a park, walking my dog together. It was quite ok, but he kissed me and I think it was maybe too soon for me, I barely know him!
        Then once I called him, he was strangely busy, and said he will call me back after one minute. Then he called after 50 minutes. I don’t like this 🙁 I feel I’m not respected.
        Something I notice where I have grown and I’m proud of myself: I have now been about 40 years a people/man pleaser. Now this time it is so that he/his behaviour does not please ME. So I don’t want to continue with him. I guess there’s no obligation? 😀

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          September 30, 2018

          Hi Anna,

          I apologise if it sounded that way it certainly wasn’t meant to be. Oh gosh totally this is not about blaming others or ourselves about ‘mistakes’, my intention is simply about helping others feeling the safest and surest they can emotionally to walk the dating path in the most empowered way possible for them.

          Absolutely I agree re not being respected that we do not need to continue.

          Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • mariemillar8@gmail.com'
    Marie
    September 30, 2018

    Dear Melanie,
    This is so inspiring for me. Conquering fear has been my life’s goal. I self abandoned all my life because I knew that could not fight the cruel people of the world. My nightmares are ones of “hiding”. I am going to keep this article and read it as my continual affirmation. Thank you from the bottom of my soul.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 30, 2018

      Hi Marie,

      I am so pleased this has inspired you!

      Many blessings to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • clarkch5@hotmail.com'
    Resilient
    October 1, 2018

    So inspiring! Thank you for this video and can’t wait for the release of your new book! Keep up the good work, you’re doing such a great job, and you’re an inspiration for others!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 1, 2018

      Hi Resilient,

      I am so pleased that this resonated with you.

      Thank you for your beautiful words and the support for my book.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • crussett@yahoo.com'
    A Beautiful Heart And Soul/Spirit
    October 1, 2018

    Hi I tried to post a previous extremely long message on here just now but it hasn’t shown up on here, it’s completely disappeared, what’s happened to my comment??

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 2, 2018

      A Beautiful Heart and Spirit,

      I don’t know, none of the posts are deleted from this end.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • jo.weatherill515@gmail.com'
    Jo
    October 1, 2018

    Hi Melanie. as always, a great blog and I can see myself in all of it, the fear of CRAP in particular. There is a comment about ‘inner emptiness’ in the section titled Your Authentic Self Revolution which talks about ‘self-medicating our inner emptiness’. That idea of inner emptiness (which I agree with, I do feel empty and exhausted after a 31 year relationship with someone who I now belatedly recognise is a narcissist) has made me wonder anxiously if that doesn’t draw parallels between myself and the narcissist who, according to many articles on narcissism, is the way he is because he is empty on the inside? My fear is, am I therefore the same as the narcissist?

  • jo.weatherill515@gmail.com'
    Jo
    October 1, 2018

    P.S. I meant to add my thanks to you for your insights and making this site available, it is really helping me, thank you so much.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 2, 2018

      Awww Jo,

      Thank you for your lovely comment and please know you are so welcome!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • natalie_lindsay@hotmail.com'
    Nat
    October 2, 2018

    I understand and get it. The light bulb is on. Before i would listen to you and think and feel sorry for myself. But i now get it…i understand. Thank you

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