It is so common for us to think ‘Maybe I am the problem.’
When the narcissist dances off into the sunset with a new partner, we often see the evidence of their social media pictures of romantic dinners, exotic holidays and sharing time with family and friends.
Naturally, we are agonised about losing these things with this person. Things that another person is now receiving in our place.
And we think ‘Maybe she/he will be different with this person. Maybe it was ME that they couldn’t be happy and normal with!’
I can’t tell you how many people in this Community (including myself) have been through these horribly torturous thoughts when replaced.
Yet, narcissists have very set formulas regarding the way they operate with ALL people.
Absolutely there are ways they are different with different partners – but it has NOTHING to do with their new relationships being wholesome, happy and successful.
In fact, it is the exact opposite!
If this question has ever tormented you, watch today’s Thriver TV episode to discover what this is about!
Before I start today’s video, I’d like to share with you that the release of my new book, ‘You Can Thrive After Narcissistic Abuse’, is fast approaching. In fact, there are only 6 weeks to go!
To celebrate the release of my book, myself and the MTE team will be hosting a 6-Weeks To Launch party, where we will be releasing a ton of healing resources for you over the next 6 weeks!
Included will be:
- Exciting interviews with expert guests
- Lots of new video presentations, articles and new material across our social platforms.
- Live Q and A’s and
We want this to be a community centred event where you get to celebrate the launch of the book with us, as well as join in on all the amazing stuff we have coming your way.
All will be revealed, including how to pre-order a copy of the book this Thursday when we begin the launch party!
So, stay tuned!
Okay on to today’s video
One of the most agonising things that people want to know about is this: Will he or she be different with the new person?
This is what people ask, “Will the narcissist be normal now, stay loving and grant this new person a happy, loving relationship?”
And that is exactly what appears to be happening … through social media and other sources the narcissist and the new partner look all loved up; things seem to be going great with them.
The Shiny New Supply
One thing we need to understand is that when a narcissist gets with a new person, they need to be ‘the best thing since sliced bread’. The narcissist gets off on pumping themselves full of the chemicals of narcissistic supply, meaning this person (object) is A-Grade something, whether it be looks, fun, possessions, credentials, social standing … whatever it is that floats the narcissist’s insatiable ego and can have it believing that this person is the new wonderful shiny toy to get all excited about.
Think back to the early days when you were with the narcissist, it was heady, big and powerful. You were love-bombed and told how wonderful you were, how amazing it was to find you and how no one else measures up to who you are. You were also blown away by how the narcissist had so many of the same interests as you and supposedly beliefs and values.
I know you believed it at the time, and it hurts now to think that someone else is being told this as well, yet with this person too … words are cheap. The narcissist is on the high of the moment depending on what emotional charge they are feeling, and at some point, this idolising and placing this person on a pedestal, where they can do no wrong, will slip.
It must fall because it was never created on real love anyway, which is unconditional love, accepting someone for their great points and their faults rather than how good they can make you look or what you can get from them. Love with a narcissist, no matter how well it is sold to anyone initially, is a one-sided deal.
The truth is someone to a narcissist is merely a tool to self-medicate themselves with. To provide them with the necessary narcissistic supply to escape the deep depression of inner emptiness and feelings of dire defectiveness always threatening to engulf them if they don’t. There is also the urge to mine people and get all of the things that the narcissist feels entitled to, which is everything that they can push people’s boundaries for and get away with.
The Relationship’s Fall from Grace
When the human object, who is supposed to fix the narcissist’s dire insecurities and lack of self, can’t live up to ego’s insatiable requirements, then the narcissist will start controlling, punishing and/or sourcing new sources of supply on the side that may be able to do the job.
This pattern is no different relationship to relationship, and one thing is for certain, the narcissist is not genuinely interested in their partner’s life, or supporting them or being a kind, attentive, caring partner. And over time, even though any partner starts to feel the abuse of being objectified and soul raped, they may, of course, be just as hooked as we all were.
This amounts to the terrible phenomenon of being trauma bonded, suffering cognitive dissonance, and being addicted to the narcissist hoping that they will return back to the original person who we thought was the answer to our prayers.
I know that there are people in this community, who after losing their narcissistic partner are dismayed by the long-term relationships that people have had after them with this person. They think ‘It must be a success, they have been together (x years)!’ Yet, I promise you there are people in this community who are leaving or about to leave who have been in 30 plus year relationships with narcissists and absolutely have been living an abused life for the greater majority of that time.
Time in relationships, and even what they appear to be to the outside world, are absolutely no indication of what goes on behind four walls. There are many people who suffer silently and try to keep up appearances in narcissistic relationships.
To give you an idea of the likelihood of post relationships with narcissists, I can’t tell you how many women have contacted the MTE team regarding my previous narcissistic lovers, who strangely enough tell their new female lovers about me! These women explain how they are broken, traumatised and left feeling like a tsunami has hit them, desperately being in need of healing in order to recover from these men.
Even if I heard of any of these relationships not ending, not for one moment would I believe narcissistic people who refuse to take responsibility or be accountable, remorseful or honest about their behaviour will heal. They will re-offend period because no consciousness or growth has taken place.
Truly this applies to all of us. If we don’t take full responsibility for our painful relationship patterns and programs and get really real and dedicate to healing them within ourselves, our results won’t change either, regardless of our future relationship partners.
How Are Narcissists Different With Different People?
This is how narcissists treat different sources of supply differently.
Narcissists are acutely, dangerously, physically perceptive. They have been using these tools all their life, the working out of what makes people tick and what their weak links are.
The weak link within all of us is the thing that we get upset and triggered about. For many people, it can be the core wound of feeling invisible. When you are ignored, overlooked and not connected to as a human being this could hurt you profoundly. The narcissist will initially connect to you in ways that make you feel seen and met, and you receive the feelings of validation that make you feel like a woman or a man in a desert drinking finally from an oasis of being loved and lovable. However, as time goes on, he or she will start to ignore you and not bother calling, answering texts or making time for you, or use other actions that make you feel invalidated and unworthy.
This happens insidiously and often gradually, as the narcissist tests out a bit at a time, what they can get away with and what your reaction will be. The more you tolerate by staying, no matter how upset you get about it, the more the narcissist knows what they can do to you. Over time you feel like your oxygen chord has been cut, and panic and try to get the connection back that you once had with this person.
The more you react, the more it confirms to the narcissist that they are valid and significant enough to emotionally affect you. It grants them A-grade narcissistic supply and gives them all the justifications to project their inner demons onto you. You have handed him or her the bullets. It grants them excuses to smear you to others labelling you as needy, clingy, distrusting and possessive as well as have affairs behind your back.
Now use this same formula for something like your core wound of being engulfed and controlled by others. The narcissist will initially grant you space and be trusting and non-controlling of your life, allowing you to feel like finally, you can breathe and that you have a love partner allowing and encouraging you to be yourself.
However, the tides start to turn, and bit by bit the narcissist will start asking for more time and laying guilt trips on you for doing your own thing. Accusations, possessiveness and jealousy, is likely to begin.
Before long, your interests and time is eroded more and more, and you find yourself fighting for your freedom as the narcissist controls you more. Yet you stay connected trying to justify and explain yourself, get the narcissist to trust you, appease them, make deals with them and somehow try to earn and win their trust, of course to no avail.
Now let’s keep going with this narcissistic formula. If you love sex and need a lot of it, the narcissist will appear as someone with your sexual appetite and then start to withhold sex from you. If sex isn’t a big thing for you, the narcissist will declare there is much more to life and then start pestering you for sex mercilessly.
Of course, the examples to this formula could go on and on and on. Apply this to your interaction with a narcissist in any area of your life (it doesn’t need to be a love relationship), and you will see that they ‘promise’ to provide something that is very important to you and then start hurting you by doing the exact opposite.
Do you understand now that interaction with narcissists isn’t actually about them at all? It is about the wounds that we can heal within ourselves. Narcissists are plasticine, there is no real solid being there. They don’t have any real preferences, inner identity or way of operation. They are empty black holes having to suck people’s energy to feel like they exist.
Initially, they get our energy as our response to being love-bombed, but when the level and intensity necessary for their false self can’t continue, they procure narcissistic supply in the form of bad attention, done by hitting what hurts within us hard.
How Do We Stop Going Through This Cycle?
Here is my list of what is necessary to stop being the next supply going through the common destructive cycle of idealise, devalue and discard with a narcissist, with our unique wounds as the weapon used against us.
Heal our unique wounds:
These are the wounds that the narcissist appeared at first to be the saviour of and then started attacking to hurt us. It is never up to anyone to heal our wounds for us by being different to our old painful patterns. Rather, it is up to us to heal these traumas within us, setting ourselves free from unconsciously repeating them by choosing the people who represent them.
Getting serious about changing our life:
If we are serious, then under no circumstances are we going to continue living the patterns that have hurt us previously.
If we have, in the past, been with adulterous people, then we need to say, ‘this is not what I will ever tolerate again’ and mean it and leave.
If we have been with people who treat us as if we don’t exist, then we need to speak up, and if there is no diligent recognition, responsibility and effort as well as recognition of our feelings and needs, then we need to leave.
If we have been with controlling, possessive people and are experiencing it again, then leave.
If we have been with people with poor integrity who pathologically lied in the past and we catch out a new partner in a pathological lie, it is time to leave, period.
This may sound brutal, but truly I want you to know there are plenty of people in the world with the capacity to be honest, healthy and decent, and its time to say NO to toxic patterns if we want to stop living them.
Understand the difference between words and actions:
We need to understand that words mean nothing, and a person’s character can only be ascertained by spending time with them and experiencing their capacity to be a healthy relationship partner, before granting them our body, bed and souls.
Stop granting repeat chances:
Stop staying attached to people and giving them chance after chance when the actions don’t match their words.
So, I really hope this has answered this question adequately for you today. And I want to invite you to heal up your old relationship patterns and traumas so that no longer will you ever be susceptible to being lured into a devastating relationship with a false self. Also, so that you can be free and confident enough to start generating the love patterns in your life that will be fulfilling and healthy for you.
You can start this process today by connecting to my free 16-day deep inner healing course which includes a healing workshop with the super-tool Quanta Freedom Healing, a set of comprehensive eBooks and so much more. To access these, just click the link on the top right of this video.
I’d love you to scroll down and share with me your thoughts on today’s episode.
So, until next time… keep smiling, keep healing and keep thriving because there’s nothing else to do.
And keep a lookout for the pre-launch party starting on Thursday!
Latest posts by Melanie Tonia Evans (see all)
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- Do Narcissists Treat Their New Supply Differently? - October 3, 2018