It is so common for us to think ‘Maybe I am the problem.’
When the narcissist dances off into the sunset with a new partner, we often see the evidence of their social media pictures of romantic dinners, exotic holidays and sharing time with family and friends.
Naturally, we are agonised about losing these things with this person. Things that another person is now receiving in our place.
And we think ‘Maybe she/he will be different with this person. Maybe it was ME that they couldn’t be happy and normal with!’
I can’t tell you how many people in this Community (including myself) have been through these horribly torturous thoughts when replaced.
Yet, narcissists have very set formulas regarding the way they operate with ALL people.
Absolutely there are ways they are different with different partners – but it has NOTHING to do with their new relationships being wholesome, happy and successful.
In fact, it is the exact opposite!
If this question has ever tormented you, watch today’s Thriver TV episode to discover what this is about!
Before I start today’s video, I’d like to share with you that the release of my new book, ‘You Can Thrive After Narcissistic Abuse’, is fast approaching. In fact, there are only 6 weeks to go!
To celebrate the release of my book, myself and the MTE team will be hosting a 6-Weeks To Launch party, where we will be releasing a ton of healing resources for you over the next 6 weeks!
Included will be:
- Exciting interviews with expert guests
- Lots of new video presentations, articles and new material across our social platforms.
- Live Q and A’s and
- Giveaways!
We want this to be a community centred event where you get to celebrate the launch of the book with us, as well as join in on all the amazing stuff we have coming your way.
All will be revealed, including how to pre-order a copy of the book this Thursday when we begin the launch party!
So, stay tuned!
Okay on to today’s video
One of the most agonising things that people want to know about is this: Will he or she be different with the new person?
This is what people ask, “Will the narcissist be normal now, stay loving and grant this new person a happy, loving relationship?”
And that is exactly what appears to be happening … through social media and other sources the narcissist and the new partner look all loved up; things seem to be going great with them.
The Shiny New Supply
One thing we need to understand is that when a narcissist gets with a new person, they need to be ‘the best thing since sliced bread’. The narcissist gets off on pumping themselves full of the chemicals of narcissistic supply, meaning this person (object) is A-Grade something, whether it be looks, fun, possessions, credentials, social standing … whatever it is that floats the narcissist’s insatiable ego and can have it believing that this person is the new wonderful shiny toy to get all excited about.
Think back to the early days when you were with the narcissist, it was heady, big and powerful. You were love-bombed and told how wonderful you were, how amazing it was to find you and how no one else measures up to who you are. You were also blown away by how the narcissist had so many of the same interests as you and supposedly beliefs and values.
I know you believed it at the time, and it hurts now to think that someone else is being told this as well, yet with this person too … words are cheap. The narcissist is on the high of the moment depending on what emotional charge they are feeling, and at some point, this idolising and placing this person on a pedestal, where they can do no wrong, will slip.
It must fall because it was never created on real love anyway, which is unconditional love, accepting someone for their great points and their faults rather than how good they can make you look or what you can get from them. Love with a narcissist, no matter how well it is sold to anyone initially, is a one-sided deal.
The truth is someone to a narcissist is merely a tool to self-medicate themselves with. To provide them with the necessary narcissistic supply to escape the deep depression of inner emptiness and feelings of dire defectiveness always threatening to engulf them if they don’t. There is also the urge to mine people and get all of the things that the narcissist feels entitled to, which is everything that they can push people’s boundaries for and get away with.
The Relationship’s Fall from Grace
When the human object, who is supposed to fix the narcissist’s dire insecurities and lack of self, can’t live up to ego’s insatiable requirements, then the narcissist will start controlling, punishing and/or sourcing new sources of supply on the side that may be able to do the job.
This pattern is no different relationship to relationship, and one thing is for certain, the narcissist is not genuinely interested in their partner’s life, or supporting them or being a kind, attentive, caring partner. And over time, even though any partner starts to feel the abuse of being objectified and soul raped, they may, of course, be just as hooked as we all were.
This amounts to the terrible phenomenon of being trauma bonded, suffering cognitive dissonance, and being addicted to the narcissist hoping that they will return back to the original person who we thought was the answer to our prayers.
I know that there are people in this community, who after losing their narcissistic partner are dismayed by the long-term relationships that people have had after them with this person. They think ‘It must be a success, they have been together (x years)!’ Yet, I promise you there are people in this community who are leaving or about to leave who have been in 30 plus year relationships with narcissists and absolutely have been living an abused life for the greater majority of that time.
Time in relationships, and even what they appear to be to the outside world, are absolutely no indication of what goes on behind four walls. There are many people who suffer silently and try to keep up appearances in narcissistic relationships.
To give you an idea of the likelihood of post relationships with narcissists, I can’t tell you how many women have contacted the MTE team regarding my previous narcissistic lovers, who strangely enough tell their new female lovers about me! These women explain how they are broken, traumatised and left feeling like a tsunami has hit them, desperately being in need of healing in order to recover from these men.
Even if I heard of any of these relationships not ending, not for one moment would I believe narcissistic people who refuse to take responsibility or be accountable, remorseful or honest about their behaviour will heal. They will re-offend period because no consciousness or growth has taken place.
Truly this applies to all of us. If we don’t take full responsibility for our painful relationship patterns and programs and get really real and dedicate to healing them within ourselves, our results won’t change either, regardless of our future relationship partners.
How Are Narcissists Different With Different People?
This is how narcissists treat different sources of supply differently.
Narcissists are acutely, dangerously, physically perceptive. They have been using these tools all their life, the working out of what makes people tick and what their weak links are.
The weak link within all of us is the thing that we get upset and triggered about. For many people, it can be the core wound of feeling invisible. When you are ignored, overlooked and not connected to as a human being this could hurt you profoundly. The narcissist will initially connect to you in ways that make you feel seen and met, and you receive the feelings of validation that make you feel like a woman or a man in a desert drinking finally from an oasis of being loved and lovable. However, as time goes on, he or she will start to ignore you and not bother calling, answering texts or making time for you, or use other actions that make you feel invalidated and unworthy.
This happens insidiously and often gradually, as the narcissist tests out a bit at a time, what they can get away with and what your reaction will be. The more you tolerate by staying, no matter how upset you get about it, the more the narcissist knows what they can do to you. Over time you feel like your oxygen chord has been cut, and panic and try to get the connection back that you once had with this person.
The more you react, the more it confirms to the narcissist that they are valid and significant enough to emotionally affect you. It grants them A-grade narcissistic supply and gives them all the justifications to project their inner demons onto you. You have handed him or her the bullets. It grants them excuses to smear you to others labelling you as needy, clingy, distrusting and possessive as well as have affairs behind your back.
Now use this same formula for something like your core wound of being engulfed and controlled by others. The narcissist will initially grant you space and be trusting and non-controlling of your life, allowing you to feel like finally, you can breathe and that you have a love partner allowing and encouraging you to be yourself.
However, the tides start to turn, and bit by bit the narcissist will start asking for more time and laying guilt trips on you for doing your own thing. Accusations, possessiveness and jealousy, is likely to begin.
Before long, your interests and time is eroded more and more, and you find yourself fighting for your freedom as the narcissist controls you more. Yet you stay connected trying to justify and explain yourself, get the narcissist to trust you, appease them, make deals with them and somehow try to earn and win their trust, of course to no avail.
Now let’s keep going with this narcissistic formula. If you love sex and need a lot of it, the narcissist will appear as someone with your sexual appetite and then start to withhold sex from you. If sex isn’t a big thing for you, the narcissist will declare there is much more to life and then start pestering you for sex mercilessly.
Of course, the examples to this formula could go on and on and on. Apply this to your interaction with a narcissist in any area of your life (it doesn’t need to be a love relationship), and you will see that they ‘promise’ to provide something that is very important to you and then start hurting you by doing the exact opposite.
Do you understand now that interaction with narcissists isn’t actually about them at all? It is about the wounds that we can heal within ourselves. Narcissists are plasticine, there is no real solid being there. They don’t have any real preferences, inner identity or way of operation. They are empty black holes having to suck people’s energy to feel like they exist.
Initially, they get our energy as our response to being love-bombed, but when the level and intensity necessary for their false self can’t continue, they procure narcissistic supply in the form of bad attention, done by hitting what hurts within us hard.
How Do We Stop Going Through This Cycle?
Here is my list of what is necessary to stop being the next supply going through the common destructive cycle of idealise, devalue and discard with a narcissist, with our unique wounds as the weapon used against us.
Heal our unique wounds:
These are the wounds that the narcissist appeared at first to be the saviour of and then started attacking to hurt us. It is never up to anyone to heal our wounds for us by being different to our old painful patterns. Rather, it is up to us to heal these traumas within us, setting ourselves free from unconsciously repeating them by choosing the people who represent them.
Getting serious about changing our life:
If we are serious, then under no circumstances are we going to continue living the patterns that have hurt us previously.
If we have, in the past, been with adulterous people, then we need to say, ‘this is not what I will ever tolerate again’ and mean it and leave.
If we have been with people who treat us as if we don’t exist, then we need to speak up, and if there is no diligent recognition, responsibility and effort as well as recognition of our feelings and needs, then we need to leave.
If we have been with controlling, possessive people and are experiencing it again, then leave.
If we have been with people with poor integrity who pathologically lied in the past and we catch out a new partner in a pathological lie, it is time to leave, period.
This may sound brutal, but truly I want you to know there are plenty of people in the world with the capacity to be honest, healthy and decent, and its time to say NO to toxic patterns if we want to stop living them.
Understand the difference between words and actions:
We need to understand that words mean nothing, and a person’s character can only be ascertained by spending time with them and experiencing their capacity to be a healthy relationship partner, before granting them our body, bed and souls.
Stop granting repeat chances:
Stop staying attached to people and giving them chance after chance when the actions don’t match their words.
So, I really hope this has answered this question adequately for you today. And I want to invite you to heal up your old relationship patterns and traumas so that no longer will you ever be susceptible to being lured into a devastating relationship with a false self. Also, so that you can be free and confident enough to start generating the love patterns in your life that will be fulfilling and healthy for you.
You can start this process today by connecting to my free 16-day deep inner healing course which includes a healing workshop with the super-tool Quanta Freedom Healing, a set of comprehensive eBooks and so much more. To access these, just click the link on the top right of this video.
I’d love you to scroll down and share with me your thoughts on today’s episode.
So, until next time… keep smiling, keep healing and keep thriving because there’s nothing else to do.
And keep a lookout for the pre-launch party starting on Thursday!
hi Mel. i can see your insights. but many people who have this happen to them just dont know where to go.
Hi Robert,
exactly why doing Narp and using all the resources is how we thrive. gotta do the work. its life changing. all the best.
Hi Robert,
The starting point to heal is here: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
You will see how and why!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Melanie,
I think you are totally amazing and I thank you for spreading the message about narcissists. I’m glad I stumbled onto your site some time ago. I don’t check out all your e-mails or videos, but I’ve seen quite a few and I am always impressed by their content and your genuine ability to understand narcissistic behaviour and wanting to help people recover from dealing with these sick people. I am middle-aged but have lived with a flatmate for a couple of years who is a narcissist (he is 100% narcissist -ticks every check box on the list and I don’t say that lightly!). By being a flatmate I have the objectivity to see him for who he is without the complications of intimacy, but I didn’t understand it all until I started looking at some of your videos and doing the quiz etc. I never fooled myself into thinking i could handle him, but after your information, I started e-mailing his actions to friends and family so they are aware of what is happening. Unfortunately the landlord thinks he is nice because he is always so charming to him and his wife so there is no way to move him out. All the very best with your book – I will definitely pick it up at some stage. May you reach every woman who is in need of this knowledge. Thank you!
Awww Wendy,
Thank you for your kind words!
You are very welcome and I am so pleased if I can help.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hello Wendy, I thought I should take a moment to write to you. You say there is no way to move him out, but have you thought that YOU can move? I know that you probably have reasons/excuses as to why you cannot move to a new home (no money, job will be too far, been living there for many years, etc.) but I just want to kindly remind you that you have the choice and the power to create change. No matter the excuses, move to a new place. Deeply examine why you stay there while nothing physically attach you to this place. Sell it, move to a new place, do whatever. But you always have the power to do something. Just don’t forget it. All the best to you.
I have followed Melanie and learned so much from her…. I have in my belief come a very long and traumatized journey.. I have left a narcissist and can actually see now every single word Melanie says is true…how I never saw any of this before I do not know, only that I thank God I know now. I am hoping the inner healing is strong enough to let me believe in someone new who appears to be kind and giving…now I face the question, is this person going to do the same thing after time, and how do I allow my armor to come down even though I believe this person can actually be a good soul? I only think the first sign is around the corner but I trust I am now wise to the behaviors of a narcissist and will leave at the first sign of abuse. Please say a prayer for us who brave the next step…thank you! Tina
Hi Tina,
I so understand this fear, and please know the more unwounded we become as a result of releasing our inner traumas with NARP, then the more we can show up confidently as our True Self, no longer handing over power because we fear being criticised, rejected, abandoned or punished (CRAP).
Then we flush out False Selves and are whole enough to walk away when we know someone is not a healthy person of integrity.
The safety is our development, it’s not trying to work out everything we can about narcissists. The first comes from a position of power, the later a feeling of fear that tends to keep us stuck in and generating what we fear.
The awesome thing about committing to our inner development is that life just gets better and better and we get more magnetic to the right people without being derailed by neediness. Life is awesome whether we are on our own or partnered.
That is the true goal and I hope this makes sense.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I really needed this video today, as today I saw my narcissist for the first time in six months. It was just from a distance, and I did not engage as I have done your Program and went no contact over a year ago. It was impossible though not to notice that he had his new supply with him. Your teachings helped me not have a complete freak out today. Narcissists will ALWAYS have another. If they can’t have us, they’ll find someone else. There is no point in trying to stop them. Saving ourselves is all that matters. My life is so much better now than with him, even though I have so much health of left. Thank you Mel for your work. Your tools have helped me so much.
Awwww Anna,
That is so wonderful that you have worked NARP and anchored into loving you.
When we do the inner work we know there is nothing to miss that a new ‘object’ is supposedly getting, and that we are free to have and create our True Life including True Love.
Power to you beautiful lady, and simply meet and release anything that comes up for you with More NARPing and you will go up into an even higher level of freedom, joy and radiance.
Bless you Anna and please know how welcome you are!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Melanie
Just want to let you know that you are one of the main reason for me being free today. I remember being so confused and my world falling apart in front of me, and I couldn’t even understand why. Then one night I wrote on google search something on the lines of ‘my husband lies and then blames me for lying’ desperately trying to find answers, and I stumbled upon projection and then one click to another I landed on an article written by you. That night, I can never forget, it felt being struck by lightening a thousand times. I was jolted back to reality. It all started making sense. Everything started falling in to place, like a jigsaw puzzle I had finally solved after years of struggling.
Your daily mails are a blessing and remind me to keep moving forward whilst working on my own inner well being.
Just want to say thank you. With all my heart, thank you.
Awwww Silhoutte,
I am so pleased you are healing and moving forward and it’s my pleasure to help support you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Oh, Mel, this is such an important topic! Thank you. Help me clear some residue please (and others reading this). My guy was a charming, altruistic love bomber extraordinaire. No demeaning, just a shattering sudden discard. He’s a bit famous and has a huge Instagram following. I’m embarrased to admit, but I slipped and looked at his posts & saw his fans gushing about what a rare, wonderful man of integrity he is, one of the few good men, because of his beautiful writing for “believe the survivors” in the U.S. Supreme Court drama. He appears as this sensitive, poetic, loving, beautiful soul that writes about shame and grief of a life stolen, and how he can’t turn the other cheek and is glad to be a stand for these women (e.g. who were sexually assaulted /harassed). And the female fans pour in their praise. I wanted to scream – should I come out as “survivor” telling about his absolute lack of integrity, lies with me, including me feeling sexually violated because he lied (I later found out he’d met another woman) to me while having sex and the “soul rape” concept rings true for how it all felt. I went inside to take care of the wounded, outraged one in me rather than writing or saying anything to anyone about this. But, I could really use a nudge over the edge on today’s topic. Part of why I slipped and would peek online was to see if he’s discarded the new woman yet. But it’s been more than 3 yrs that they appear to be in happily ever after married bliss. I was 2 yrs, so I thought she’d be discarded in about the same timing. Since he’s been with her a year longer, I’ve fallen into that awful questioning of “does that mean he’s Not a narcissist? Maybe they really will do have a happy, healthy life, and I am the one still recovering, thus “more broken and unhappy than they are” sort of inner self-punishing and confusion about why he didn’t discard her. He never did the demeaning behavior, and I would not have stayed. Everything was love bombing bliss for 2 yrs, and out of the blue he said (after a spiritual workshop, “I belong to God now, and that man you’ve been with for two years is a false identity. It’s like sand running through my hands, not available to me. My inner guidance is telling me I’m done with California, done with you, and to just go back to Iowa by myself and work on the next book.” I and others asked him repeatedly – are you sure there’s nothing else, you didn’t meet someone or get attracted to someone or … we’re about to get married and everything is perfect except for this one sudden spiritual awakening? Yep, nothing or no one else. I found out 3 months later that he’d met the new source just before the workshop, which he did finally admit to lying about by then. So, I’ve wondered, Gee- is he not a Narc, maybe he did have some sort of awakening, or he’s a relatively normal guy that lied about the new woman? My stomach/intuition says otherwise, but his “lasting relationship” throws me at times. I sigh and think- UGH I don’t even want to hit the send button on this, because I know the answer is that HE or his status as Narc or not should not matter. I only want to focus on MYSELF, which I’ve been doing and tons of inner alchemy and I am committed to creating the best possible new life. I think hearing your perspective might help me really let go and not ever look at his social media again. Gee, no pressure. Ha. Thank you.
Hi MLB sweetheart,
Awww gosh I understand your pain and dilemma.
The truth is the excuse he used and lied about was not the displaying of a nice character.
Often a narcissistic personality will not only lie but spin the blame on you and continue to lie if caught out. They often don’t confess. Regardless … his behaviour was poor.
MLB your emancipation will only be in the acceptance that what happened was ‘for’ you and not ‘to’ you and that he is not your Life partner.
Your full dedication to you is your true Life Partner, coupled with your healing and knowing that you are unlimited and expansive in all ways including love and success.
Was he in your life, and then left, to show you that you need to be your own mission and success? And possibly in order for you to be whole and live the only true life that would ever gratify you?
It truly, Dear Lady, is about finding the reason and gift and healing yourself into claiming it fully.
Are you working with NARP? I believe that is you answer, with all my heart.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Thank you 🙂
Oh my gosh, MLB, I think I was tangled up with this same narc! Was he divorced before? If so, I think I was his new supply during the divorce. I, too, was abruptly discarded after a year of love bombing. It took me years to get over the emotional trauma he caused. And like you, I’m wondering how this new relationship seems to be working so well. My heart goes out to you! This guy is a total walking hellhole!
Hi Mel,
Although it is some time since I was in the forum I still use your methods when stuck, and am so thankful to you for every moment of wisdom and freedom I gain from being a NARPer. It has become a lifestyle choice and i can often hear you in my head when I need to release a wound and address a trigger.
It’s such exciting news about your book and I am looking forward to it being in print. Congratulations and good luck with it, you deserve to have it fly.
This episode is such an important one, and one that can really underline how important it is that we take responsibility for healing our wounds ourselves. Three years later I am so much freer and healthier but the triggers still arise occasionally and I have to go back to the drawing board to module them. This one is a classic return wound, not just an initial tearing wound, but one that can pop up when you have new news of the N, and a reminder that you still need ongoing maintenance with self-hugs and healing. Time to give thanks for the AID and have a walk with the dogs with the voice of my old friend Mel in my head!
Love and hugs, Jan xxx ❤️❤️❤️
Hi Jan,
It is so lovely to hear from you and I hear that the Thriver Way is your lifestyle.
Through this commitment to you, you deserve every blessing that is your Divine Truth.
So much love and continued expansion to you and more and more of your glorious True Self and Life ahead.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
This was right on time for me as usual. I had been away visiting my son & had a lovely weekend, when I got home there was a message on my answer machine, there was no actual message & it came over as if it was a pocket dialled call. The sound was poor & I couldn’t hear what was being said but it was definitely my ex laughing & chatting with a woman & sounding very jolly & upbeat. There was a lot going on with background conversations but none of it was intelligible. It really knocked me back & I felt so angry & hurt as he is giving me the silent treatment & avoiding responsibility for properly ending the “relationship” & dividing up our home. I will have to enlist professional help now to achieve this so that I can move forward with my life. Thank you so much for your blogs & videos, they are always on point.
Hi Jyoti,
Sending you love and strength in this challenging time, and please know when we let go of needing any accountability or responsibility from someone who simply does not have the character or integrity to provide it, we experience the relief of being able to create a healthy life.
Blessings and healing will be yours Jyoti as a result of now taking your life into your hands,for you and your son.
Much love to you both.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Thank you yet again Melanie. Brilliantly helpful content. I’m particularly thick and need to keep watching these videos so that I continue to make the necessary changes within me. Marrying a narcissist and staying too long has eaten up more years than I care to admit. I have completed the NARP program, but I still suffer from cognitive dissonance. It’s hard for me to believe that someone I loved could have deliberately treated me that way – and much of that is because I had lied so convincingly to myself about what was happening. Accepting the truth has me feeling bitter for all those unhappy and wasted years – and then there’s the misery of knowing that in remembering the painful past I’m wasting even more precious years. I sound like a basket case, but I’m not, I had the right personality to attract a narcissist – and I stayed in the marriage because I needed to understand why everything was always wrong. Nothing made sense and I used to think I was crazy. It took me 30 years – and then I came across some of your material and I understood. And that information has changed my life. It’s still not easy – but my life continues to improve through increments. I’m so grateful for your tireless effort in providing the information because it will help younger women to recognize the symptoms of narcissistic abuse and become free.
Hi Jenny,
I am so pleased this resonated with you and helps.
Jenny please know the NARP work is a lifestyle, it’s never complete. I still do Quanta Freedom Healing (NARP work) on myself whoever I get stuck in a less than state which is not serving me, because I know that addressing it at the inner identity level is the true solution rather than trying to ‘think’ my way out of it.
I know that the dedicated inner work with all that still hurts and the deeper layers that come up, would make the world of difference to you.
I’d love you Jenny to reconnect to NARP and come into the NARP Forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member so that Myself and the NARP moderators can help take your recovery level to breakthrough, where you are off and running with the tools to shift yourself in need and don’t need my materials to feel better – instead using them as a supplement to your inner healing.
Does that make sense?
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Absolutely spot on – exactly as described. Thank you Melanie 🙂
Hi Nespolo,
Thank you and I am pleased this resonated with you!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi
lol its so so true ! my ex narc and her new supply same m.o from the pics on social media same meaningless words posted to the super fast engagement the no interest to who you are as a person its just about whats ib it for herself thanx for that episode
mark
Hi Mark,
You are so welcome.
It’s true, the ‘object’ themselves are unimportant, it’s simply the roles they fulfil.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Melanie,
Earlier I asked you exactly about this topic, and I feel you responded to me in quite cold, blunt and unfriendly way “I don’t want to enter to analysis-paralysis with this with you”. And here, you have written a super long blog post analysis about this very topic 😉 But I say thank you!! Very useful info. I think that’s the whole point: first comes awareness, then (the chance to) healing.
It did bothered me, whether he is now normal and nice with the new partner. It felt like a personal insult. Unfair. What has she (the new partner) done to deserve to be treated decently and I don’t. But now I already know…that is not true.
Then I played with the thought…what if (I know, this is not true) he would be very happy now, that they would have normal and long-lasting relationship. The thing is: then they do! What can I do about it…nothing. I think it is the same with any ex’es (even the normal ones). They have every right to be happy, continue their life in any way they want, with any partner they choose. They are not responsible for my feelings, I AM. I don’t wish anything bad or “relationship failures” to any of the ex’es, not even the narcissistic one. How that would make ME feel better? It wouldn’t. I think that’s the whole point of self-partnering, focus on myself and my happiness, not compare myself to other people or envy them. Of course, sometimes this is easier said than done, we are just humans 🙂
Of course, it is painful originally to see an ex, n or not, with a new partner. But something I have learned in life: relationships are never “easy” for anyone (not even with normal partners), so after the honeymoon phase….it’s pointless to envy other people’s relationships. I mean, I think we all have equal amount of “work to do”, in this area.
This sounds strange, but on some profound soul-level, I think I’ll always love the ex n. It’s hard to explain, not romantically but some deeper “soul” level. He once said to me “you have such a big, enormous, good heart”. Among the many lies he said, this almost made me feel goosebumps, because this is one thing that is actually deeply true about me.
Hi Anna,
I’m glad that this time the blog topic was very relevant to what is going on for you and that this time that need is met.
As the topic today, this awareness is leading to the same place – the development and healing of our core wounds that did and keep us hooked in to the pain of ‘wondering’.
Because when we do that we can become our own Source within of love, approval, security and survival and then there is absolutely no ‘missing out’ on what didn’t work for us in our past – rather it was merely and magnificently our step to get there.
Ultimately I believe for all of us the deep level we can get to with people we have separated from, narcissistic or not is recognising the love for the part they played, not so much in giving us what we may not have healed yet, felt or recognised in ourselves, but giving us exactly what we needed so that we finally did.
After doing that, there really is no connection to what they are or aren’t doing or who they are or aren’t with, and we just know everyone is doing the dance with their wounds receiving exactly what they need to have the opportunity to wake up and heal them.
Personally I wish everyone could heal, experience love and be happy. Even the people who didn’t supply me that in the past.
I wish for you your resolution and healing around all of this Anna.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
* I wish for you your resolution and healing around all of this Anna.
Aww, thank you! I think I already have…most of it 🙂 I’ve done crazy amount of work!! I had no choice…
I think what is really magical and amazing, when I have really focused healing my childhood, relationship with my parents, all past hurts re. that era (and interestingly, NOT focused healing the relationship with the n)…and momentarily I felt silly, why I needed to still dwell in some 30 years old stuff… the pain, frustration, disappointment that I’ve experienced now in present time with men…is much less, in some cases non existent anymore! I mean, I do not become triggered so often or deeply anymore.
Reading this kind of info that is for example in this blog post, used to re-traumatize me, I used to fool myself and think “my n is different, not so bad”. Yeah, right…
Now I just kind of shrug my shoulders, and think, it is what it is…his craziness is not really my problem anymore. Apparently, doing the inner work works <3
I think I understand the concept of your advice…however, personally I am struggling to be able to completely embrace it. My narcissistic ex encounter was my husband, 25 years and 2 children and I had no understanding of why I couldn’t make him happy until the sudden and vicious discard. Finding you on the internet has been so wonderful in enabling me to pick myself up and face the days and in becoming aware of what my life had inadvertently become through naivety and complacency. The last piece of the puzzle is extremely hard for me, and it is this topic exactly. He appears to be living his happy ever after with the equally narcissistic thrice married affair partner who does meet his needs. The longer it has lasted, the most it appears to be so. For him, life seems to be completely fulfilled for the first time. He is living as if he is 18 again, and entitled to it. If it weren’t for me, he would have had a much more fun 25 years of his life!! It was wasted in marrying me apparently. Meanwhile I have been too hurt and broken to even consider allowing someone else into my life. How does this scenario not validate to the world, that he is the healthy one who was “saved” from a miserable life, and I am the unhealthy one laden with all the problems that need to be overcome. I feel stuck at this juncture, and am feeling quite frustrated that I can’t stop looking at his “success” in the relationship that broke our marriage.
onMelanie,
I don’t know what I would do without these wonderful communities of “like-minded” people like this that God has connected me with. This episode is so uplifting & encouraging. Love you so much!
Hi Aneas,
I truly don’t know what we would all do without our soul tribe!
We are blessed beyond measure!
So glad you enjoyed this episode and I love you so much too!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Melanie,
In my case narcissist is my mother in law and she keeps on manipulating my husband to turn him against me. Could you please suggest on this. How can i prove that whatever she says about me to him is wrong. I cannot point her anyway. How can i stop him being a part of bulling team that he does it unknowingly believing his mom.
Hi Aditi,
The truth is we can’t stop anyone doing anything. The only power we have is to make the choices to look after and be true to ourselves.
The only option you may have to do so with narcissistic people is say ‘no more’ and demonstrate that through your actions to remove yourself from such treatment.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Melanie!
I’m curious to know, how the mind of the n works. For example this example you gave about sex. For me, it was, I always looked forward him coming to meet me or call me. He used to say, “I’ll call you/we’ll meet tomorrow”. Then he usually had some last minute delay or did not show up, or did not call. I have experienced this about 342 times. Blaah 🙁 It really hurt and frustrated and disappointed me. Usually I had also canceled all my other plans, because of him.
So how it goes, is the n sitting at home, and consciously and cleverly thinking and planning, “hmm, today I’ll tease her with this, today I’ll give her silent treatment, today I withdraw and do not give sex etc”? Or is it so, that his mind is on “autopilot”, that this behaviour is “natural” to him, that it is purely unconscious, and he does not even know what and why he is doing it?
It’s just so mind-boggling…why the n’s do not actually (so it feels) want to be happy and keep the peace? Like normal, healthy people, for example if both partners like sex, then just go for it and as a result both can feel good. Why he doesn’t want to feel good, why he doesn’t want that I feel good? Normal people actually strive and aim for their own and other peoples peace of mind. If we have hurt someone, we feel bad and want to clear it and apologize, so that as a result, both can feel good and peace again. Normal people actually want that their partner feel good, to most people that is their highest priority!
Sometimes I think and I just can’t understand it…the n is very smart and clever, why he can’t understand, that life would be so much better, lovelier and easier, if he would behave this kind of a normal way? It’s just an unbelievable thought, why someone (the n), actually wants to spread chaos, misunderstadings, bad feelings, intentional hurts.
Yes, this is just my musing….I think I can never understand why or how someone can be so “dark” 🙁
Hi TT,
Truly we can drive ourselves crazy to try to work them out, and on the normal human surface I totally agree … why on earth?
Yet I believe at the true soul level narcissists are a soul contract to help us evolve our wounds and inner fractures.
These resources explain more … which I believe really helps us take the gift and our power back.
https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-real-reason-why-the-narcissist-punishes-you/
https://www.google.com.au/amp/s/www.pinterest.ie/amp/pin/453385887483827806/
I hope this helps make sense of this.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Melanie,
I have read a lot of your articles and this was really powerful. I understand what you wrote about the new supply, but my question to you is, what happens when the new supply is not a person but religion. I would love to know your thoughts on when the supply is a “thing” and not a person. How does that work?
Hi Georgina,
Truly the ‘what it means’ when we take back our power is ‘what does it mean’ to us …
When we are ‘replaced’ by whoever or whatever it really means that we are not receiving the love, support and connection we truly want and deserve.
And when we supply true love, support and connection to ourselves, we know that trying to make an unavailable other grant us that would only bring more pain.
What it means is, regardless of how painful this is, it’s time to self partner with you, heal and take the stand for real and available relationships.
Trying to work ‘them’ out doesn’t supply that to us.
I hope this makes sense and I send love, healing and breakthrough to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I have been reading and listening to your episodes for a long time now and I have to say that this one in particular really sums it all up.
It is one of the best episodes you have done so far.
I have dealt with a Narc for many years. I still am dealing with him but on a much more limited basis these days.
Thank you.
Thank you No Name,
I am so pleased you enjoyed this one!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hello Melanie – Thank you for ALL your efforts to educate those suffering from this horrific, insidious abuse. I enjoy listening to your pod casts – I see how far I’ve come and am so filled with gratitude for the peace and my life of integrity and joy, not fear and confusion. The narcissist in my life resorted to strangulation and a horrendous smear campaign to counter balance the reality of his abuses coming to light. He OF COURSE had “side sources” in the wings, but I made it a point to literally not once seek knowledge of what was going on. In fact, it wasn’t until May, 2017 that I was told where he lives (I assist someone with a business that could have put me in his area, and the person telling me wanted me to know to avoid it). Halloween 2018 marks three years since we separated. On 9/1/18 I was contacted on facebook messenger by a woman giving her phone number and asking that I call her about someone we both knew. I assumed she belonged to a closed support group I belong to, and didn’t get back to her for several days. When I did, this woman identified herself as having been dating the narcissist I divorced for some time, had just broken up with him because of his crazy making behavior and verbal abuse. She had had a “reading” done, been told he was always going to be abusive and that it would get physical. At one time in my life I would have thought “I should tell her about his diagnosis”. However, my boundaries are firmly in place. She confirmed that I am not in danger, and understood I didn’t want any further contact. I just will not risk my safety or the peace of mind I so thoroughly ENJOY now – my life!! – for anything or anyone else. And I certainly would never to stoop to the level of “chatting and comparing abuse notes” that is the hallmark of victim thinking. So Melanie, I hope all who watch this episode grasp that these disordered individuals simply put on a new mask for the new victim, to match what they see the victim needing, but THAT MASK FALLS. An abuser, is an abuser, is an abuser, is an abuser. Thank you again for all the light you bring to the topic of narcissistic abuse.
Hi Rhonda,
How wonderful you are out and looking so beautifully after you!
I totally agree with everything you are saying, and thank you for sharing your very important points with our wonderful community.
Many continued blessings to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Mel Congratulations on your new book! I am now a NARP Gold member, I managed to register myself as a NARP Gold member and also to buy NARP Gold and I downloaded the presentation to the modules, I ate 2 bowls of strawberries, raspberries, blackberries and blueberries with dairy whipped squirty cream in both bowls as I was listening to the presentation of the modules. Then I listened to Module 1 and for some reason I didn’t feel or experience any emotional pain, wounds or trauma, but, in the presentation I felt it touching my emotions through my subconscious and it emotionally overwhelmed me abit. I feel the trauma but it all comes on involuntarily, I have no control over it when it comes to feeling and experiencing it. I tried to make myself feel it when listening to Module 1 but nothing came up – it only comes up and I feel it whenever it wants to come up. I usually feel it the pain, wounds, trauma in my heart, soul and mind. When my Narc comes up to my flat, if she talks about me to my husband or asks my husband questions about me then I am triggered during and after she comes up to my flat if I already know beforehand that she’s coming up to my flat then I am triggered even before she comes up to my flat. When people are criticizing, etc…, me I get triggered during and after then as I am oversensitive to criticizm, etc…, from anyone because I’ve been abused, etc…, by so very, very many people – ones who have undiagnosed NPD, non-NPD but who could have undiagnosed other personality disorders, 1 has been diagnosed with a personality disorder earlier this year in 2018 but, I don’t know which type of personality disorder diagnosis that person has, another person has paranoid Schizophrenia, another person who has ADHD – (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and other people who are crazy, etc…, all abused, etc…, me. I’ve never got used to or adapted to or adjusted to being abused, etc…, by all of these people. I’ve been abused, etc…, all my life since I was very small and young – a child all the way up to now I am a young adult now. So I am oversensitive to other people’s criticizms of me. I heard recently that my Narc has had new supply – a boyfriend for 2 years now I wonder how much longer that’s going to continue on for, how long that’s going to last for. She has another form of Narcissistic Supply too which she has also had for 2 years as well too. I hope I’ll be able to meet, heal, shift and release my traumas, I don’t know how to do that does anyone have any suggestions or advice that they could give to me for me to be able to feel my emotional pain without it coming up in an involuntary way but for me to feel it when I need to feel it – when I’m listening to Module 1? Thank – you Mel for helping us with your insight, information and healing resources, we appreciate it very, very much and Mel you are a life-saver you have saved so very many lives already and continue to save so many lives now and also in the future.
Hi Christine,
Thank you for your congratulations!
Please come into the NARP
Forum where we can support and help you with your NARP work.
That is where this takes place: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
If you have any issues or questions regarding navigating the Forum
Someone from my lovely support team can help [email protected]
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi!
Yes I believe too all that soul contract stuff…
*Yet I believe at the true soul level narcissists are a soul contract to help us evolve our wounds and inner fractures.
But isn’t this somehow tragic idea…yes, for sure he has unknowingly helped me 100% to heal, evolve etc. I am actually much better and stronger person now AFTER the n abuse!! But why God has created this kind of a “broken” and terribly messed up persons (the n’s)…now I joke but isn’t this quite a crappy “deal” (the soul contract)? I suffered terribly about 3-5 years, but he will continue the rest of his life!! What has he done to deserve this horrible fate? I really loved him and sincerely would want that he would find peace…yes, yes, I know it’s not my job or responsibility, but that’s just what I would wish…
Isn’t it somehow even a selfish idea…that yeah, how good that he is a n, that gives me the perfect opportunity to growth and soul evolution and what not…(even if this I is true)
I just sometimes think how sad it is, that he must live his whole life…without ever feeling real love, peace etc. He probably doesn’t even know any other way to exist.
Living this whole human life…being terribly non-humane 🙁
Sometimes when I have talked with him after the breakup, he seems to be happy with his life, living ordinary routine just like we all, being content with this life. If that really is the case, then I am very happy for his behalf. That makes me feel peace too and I can move on in my life…focus on more productive themes than the n’s 😀
Dear Melanie
I do not use social media to post things of myself, however, a friend suggested I browse to find some educational articles. Likewise, I have never before made comment on any form of social media ever, however after reading your articles every night for 3 consecutive days I felt I must provide complimentary feedback to you.
I separated from a 15 year relationship in December and quickly entered a new relationship in February, believing I was so fortunate to meet someone new and this must be meant to be.
It was not until a couple of very minor disagreements recently that I felt a deep intuitive uneasy feeling whilst receiving the reaction from my new partner. The feeling was like a memory, a warning, the exact same feeling I had felt when dealing with my ex husband.
Honestly it rattled me so much I had some sort of awakening.
I am an educated, well travelled, and before the years of emotional toll, somewhat attractive lady and I have always felt such confusion regarding how I could have been so terribly ‘tricked’ to marry my ex husband. Was I not quite as emotionally intelligent as I believed, etc etc.
I was aware I had self esteem issues, always being told I was beautiful and never realising it, but I did not for one moment believe this next relationship I jumped into was anything other than good fortune.
Reading your articles these past nights once my son is sleeping has honestly opened my mind to an extent I can not fathom. Even so I am still allowing myself to think “oh yes he is showing definite signs of narcissistic behaviour, but perhaps it won’t be so bad, perhaps it’s only a few small things, perhaps I can tolerate these small things”. My brain tells me to end to end it now however my insecurities still wish to keep me here as nothing bad has even happened yet. Am I worrying for no reason etc etc
I just wanted to say how completely and utterly terrifying it is that I have such awareness & confirmation after reading your articles yet all the same I still consider staying.
The weak or wounded mind is very intriguing and it is fascinating to me that I have such resistance to what I know to be true.
Thank you for this amazing information. I shall continue to read everything you have available over the next evenings and I do hope I can find strength to turn knowledge into power.
Kind regards
Elle
Hi Elle,
It is fascinating and it’s great that you are getting some clarity.
Elle so many of us did do, in subsequent narcissistic relationships, saw the warning signs and thought we could handle them and then had to finally withdraw only when things became so shocking that we had to.
Of course by that time the price we paid was high.
The real truth Elle is we are handing our power away because of dependency wounds inside us, and unhealed business.
That is where my inner transformational tools come into it – to find and sort out the real reasons we don’t honour our inner truth.
I’d love you to check them out: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
I hope this helps you more, you are already doing a great job of awareness!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Dear Melanie
Thank you for your insight and I appreciate your reply.
I have been reading your articles like an obsessed person. 🤣 Honestly it’s just so mind boggling how you touch on everything so clearly. I do wish I was educated re narcissists before losing so many years with my ex-husband. Mostly I feel terribly guilty that my gorgeous emotionally intelligent young son has such a unwell father.
But to move on we can not dwell on those years, and instead I need to leave this new current relationship I’ve entered into before I lose more years with a replacement narcissist! 🤦♀️ I am still in the love bombing stage and have only witnessed 2 minor odd reactions, so as you can imagine it’s very difficult to leave at this time when I want to keep the ‘false’ love.
Thank you for the link to your course. I have noted you mention it throughout your articles. I’m grateful you replied to me as your words have confirmed I must subscribe to your course. I clearly require more than just reading to gain more strength.
I’m living away from my home country in another country as my ex husband came here for work. It certainly makes one feel even more vulnerable. And now I can see this city is full of successful expatriate narcissists! 🙃
Joking aside, thank you and I’m most impressed you have time to reply to these comments. Very thoughtful.
Kind regards
Elle
Mel…you are amazing. I am so grateful to have found you. I have learned so much from you and I am healing slowly but surely from narcissistic abuse from my ex husband and his mother in law. You are so right when you suggest that the length of time in a relationship doesn’t have any direct correlation from abuse and what goes on behind closed doors. My ex was a covert narcissist that literally left me to handle my three kids and myself commuting to a job two states away while I was dealing with breast cancer. It was the worst and the best thing that happened because I finally woke and smelled the coffee to the abuse and lies that he was living but couldn’t put my finger on. I found you and I am so blessed by what you share on a regular basis. Thank you so much!!! xoxo
Hi Jamee,
You are very welcome and thank you for your lovely comment.
I’m so pleased you are awake and healing.
Sending you many blessings and continued breakthroughs!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Great episode!
Hi Melanie
I was discarded just a month ago and it was so painful I don’t know how to start my life all over again. He got a new supply and it hurts more whenever I hear friends say that they saw them here ad there, and makes me really mad but at the same time really hurt big-time. Your video today is an eye opener for me to realize that she may not be seeing everything about him right now but I am sure she will when it’s too late.
Is it right for me to use my anger of him to detach myself to him? Coz he keeps on coming back because he has a problem or he needs me for something or because he made a mistake and wants me back (which I won’t fall for anymore). So I use my anger by recalling all those time he abused me, hut me and cheated on me as my trigger point to tell him idont wanna see him anymore or I don’t want him in my life ever again. But he just shrug it off and said “both of us will never be away from each other, we will always need one another”.
What should I do? I just started reading your blogs and idon know if you have tackled this already but I hope yo could help me coz I really want to detach myself to him coz he is not good for me. He just caused me problems after problems, promised to help but nothing came and did t even feel sorry about it.
Thank you so much for all the work you’re doing which help a lot of work on and men to cope and start their life after being with a narcissist. More power to you and to your team.
Hi Cecile,
Please know that what is doing with stayed attached to you is all about him and totally self serving and awfully destructive for you.
This may help:
https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/hoovering-how-the-narcissist-tricks-you-into-breaking-no-contact/
As well as this resource:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=zVuqbMoHz-4
Cecile please connect to my free inner resources which includes two very important ebooks and a healing with me that will help you get clarity, strength and power and say ‘no more’.
Your anger is only a temporary measure. Any emotion and contact keeps you hooked to him. The total goal is absolute No Contsvt.
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
It’s the only way out of this.
I hope this helps.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hello! I’m currently grappling with being discarded by a narc that had been in my life 8 years as he apparently had new supply lined well before the discard, I cut off lines of communication after the discovery. In the eight years of us being involved he would say that he hated the term “relationship” and that he didn’t like to feel as though someone had their talons in them. However, he has posted on social his status as being in a relationship not even two months after discarding me. So, my question is how do I NOT question that maybe I was the problem all along given the fact that he could never come out & say we were in a relationship in 8 years but can post for all the world to see he is in a relationship? Would appreciate any words to help me reconcile the confusion I’m having, thank you.
Hi Rebecca,
Sweetheart my heart goes out to you in your confusion and pain.
Taking your power back and healing hun is not about the question ‘why wasnt I good enough to commit to?’ It truly is about ‘what unhealed parts in me accepted a man in my life not committed and fully devoted to me?’
That latter question and loving yourself enough to heal those parts will take you up and out of this pain and into relationship trajectories where that would never be a possibility again love to help you start healing.
The first step is here: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
Sending love and healing to you
Mel 🙏💕♥️
Omg it’s exactly what happened !!!!!!!!!
thx for this article Melanie so true from A to Z 🙏🙏🙏🙏
“Now let’s keep going with this narcissistic formula. If you love sex and need a lot of it, the narcissist will appear as someone with your sexual appetite and then start to withhold sex from you. If sex isn’t a big thing for you, the narcissist will declare there is much more to life and then start pestering you for sex mercilessly.“
Hello! Can the narcissist be my own daughter treating me like this? She’s killing me inside.