“Hoovering” is the term used to describe a narcissist trying to re-connect with you after a time of separation. Often, this separation occurs after a time of silence between you and the narcissist.

The hoovering generally happens when you are not making contact, and at times when you are trying to get on with your life.

If you are the one trying to contact and make-up, it is more likely that the narcissist will devalue and discard you. If this is not the case, it is because the narcissist still wants something from you – possessions, money, status, contacts or sex because other sources are momentarily low.

Many people over the years have stated about the narcissists in their life, “Why doesn’t he or she leave me alone?” and “When does it stop?”

Then of course, many people have been incessantly checking their emails, phones and answering machines hoping and praying that the narcissist will contact them.

It is very usual in the relationship with a narcissist to expect, fear and dread hoovering, and then, at times, feel like you won’t survive if you don’t receive it.

Such is the incredible brain-fry when you are stuck in the throes of narcissistic abuse.

Additionally people have been astounded at how – even after the narcissist has moved on with a new partner – that they still make contact, and still try to affect and create reactions.

And that they, non-ashamedly, declare their “love” and “devotion” whilst doing this with another person or multiple people at the same time, or “innocently” parade a new partner in front of the ex-partner in order to hurt them.

With comments such as “She is so wonderful, and it means so much to me to have your blessing with her.”

What is this all about?

Clearly mature, decent adults don’t behave like this.

And why do narcissists after months or years – even if you don’t respond in any shape or form – still “throw a line” to “test the waters” to see if you’ll “take the bait?”

Why do they come up with phony excuses to contact you, in order to attack your weak spots (which of course he or she has studied and known for some time) such as guilt, or defending yourself with justifications against bogus claims, and why does this person text or say things by email that are guaranteed to get your head spinning trying to work out “What on earth did that mean?”

Why do narcissists keep acting out the same behaviour – the cycles of “I want you,” and then repeatedly devalue and discard you?”

And why do they attempt to make contact with issues that normal people would have resolved long ago, or profess “sentiment” or “memories” that do not in any way match the horrific way they treated you?

And why is one response back from you sometimes enough for the narcissist to then disappear again?


Why Do Narcissists Hoover?

The answer, truly, is simply because narcissists are empty voids. They need narcissistic supply to emotionally exist. They need to know that they are affecting someone, or someone hasn’t got over them, and that this person is at their beck and call, and that they are “captured” as a future feed if necessary.

Narcissists are junkies. They tend to keep multiple sources of supply as backup, the same way crocodiles store pieces of meat under rocks when other food supplies fall low.

Creepy but true …

The worst insult possible to a narcissist is when a person creates their own up-levelling, truly detaches and reaches the healed point of: “You Are Not My Reality.” There is no greater threat to the narcissist’s ego than being rendered insignificant and meaningless.

Because the narcissist has no ability to generate, validate or sustain his or her own emotional well-being, people opting out of the narcissist’s stage play confirm the narcissist’s greatest terror – that he or she is unlovable, abandoned and worthless.

These are the very fears that the narcissist has been trying to avoid with the use of these tactics: conquer, punish, out-strategise and control.

When of course this fails, and produces results that are far from effective in granting the narcissist comfort, connection and stability – the narcissist’s twisted perceptions then create the ultimate devaluation that the narcissist’s projected wounds have been playing out all along.

Namely, the narcissist’s despising of you, and malicious attacks, are all to do with him or her trying to destroy the parts of him or herself that the narcissist detests; the parts that the narcissist has assigned as you.

It is unthinkable to most people that someone, after committing such obscene behaviour, could try to hoover and re-hoover the person they have emotionally brutalised back into their life, shamelessly, and often as if nothing at all happened.

That is until we understand the narcissist’s one and only driver – feeding the False Self – getting a hit of attention to stop the narcissist from collapsing inwards and being eaten alive by his or her own tortured inner-being.

Hoovering is NOT about love; it is about necessary narcissistic emotional survival – and everything and everyone is merely an object serving that need.



Hoovering Plays A Huge Role In The Cycle Of Violence

Unfortunately many people don’t realise true detachment with no emotional hooks, or energy, is the true goal – to exorcise the narcissist out of your heart, mind and soul (like detoxifying a psychic virus) so that you genuinely couldn’t care less about the narcissist, and are busy developing and expanding yourself and creating your amazing true life.

Ultimately this is the best way to: a) stop feeding the narcissist, and allowing yourself to be a target to be hoovered, and b) be free of the obsession about whether or not any contact will occur, and c) not react in any shape or form if hoovering does happen.

Naturally, the understandable human model before self-recovery is to hope (despite the repeated evidence) that this person has finally “got it” and will stop the atrocious behaviour. It’s also “normal” when not receiving a genuine “sorry” to be incensed, fight for accountability, and / or try to force this person into being the person you thought you had signed up for (if a love-partner), or be the family member / parent they should be by normal humane standards.

However any attention at all, or the granting of any second, third and multiple chances is only handing the narcissist further narcissistic supply – the narcissistic drug: “The ability to affect another person and get their energy grants me significance.”

Hoovering plays a HUGE role in the cycle of violence. I want to explain what I mean….

The cycle of violence goes like this …

There is a period of CALM, then TENSION builds, then ABUSE happens, and then RECONCILIATION takes place … then this is followed by a period of CALM and the cycle continues all over again.

The horrible thing about the cycle of violence is that the abuse intensifies and the cycle becomes tighter and tighter and more frequent.

You see, abusers who are narcissist don’t learn by their mistakes. They are not genuinely remorseful, and therefore not accountable or capable of real change. Rather than acquiesce to the pressure of the reactions of those around them – in order to self-reflect and reform – they create greater defences and bigger self-maladaptation instead.

The narcissist’s False Self cannot stand being held under scrutiny, because it is above reproach. It is at this time that the narcissistic cracks start opening wider as more fully blown narcissistic tendencies emerge.

If the victim is battered down into submission, then it’s open slather – the narcissist may “make up” non-authentically, “I told you I’m sorry, isn’t THAT enough for you?,” or not at all, and then continue on with narcissistic business as usual – especially if the abused person’s boundaries and self-respect have crumbled.

If the abused person’s boundaries are getting stronger, but are not as yet absolute – the narcissist may have to up the ante, and pull out all sorts of stops to appear repentant, make wild promises, and do whatever it takes to hoover the person back into the relationship.

Either way there is no period of sustained relief for the person who reconnects to the narcissist. Going back after being hoovered is never good.

The person who has crumbled will be punished horrifically for being “pathetic” (narcissists deem other humans “inferior” at the best of times), and for the person starting to lay boundaries, it is only a matter of time before the tables are turned, and the rug is pulled out from under their feet. The previously “totally remorseful” narcissist will switch to, “Who do you think you are for trying to have power and get the upper hand? NO-ONE holds me accountable and gets away with it!”

What remorse? It will be flung out the window like it never existed.

Once the cycle of violence has erupted, pulling away and then returning especially if the narcissist had to say “sorry” means the cruelty will escalate to unthinkable levels.

I myself have experienced the return bouts as horrendous; they happened more and more frequently and violently. This formula has been identically witnessed within this Community time and time again.

This is why it is so important to realise that when people cross the line into conscienceless, non-empathetic pathological behaviour – they have left their soul behind. Definitely an addict who acts like this due to an addiction can reform, if humble personal responsibility is taken, and if they heal and the addiction ceases.

But someone who behaves like this because of an ingrained Personality Disorder – forget it.

I have never known ONE case of a narcissist, who is capable of unspeakable pathological acts, reform and change. The reason being … even if he or she wanted to, the inner disowned wounds that are severely driving the extreme behaviour have taken over the narcissist (the condition of extreme unconsciousness). They are forever bubbling, just waiting to explode up and out, or to be triggered off on a hair-line detonator.

If these wounds are never addressed and healed, reform is impossible – that is the bottom line. The narcissist has NO power to stop such an unconscious wounded force, even if he or she wanted to logically. It would only ever be by meeting and dealing with the extreme subconscious wounds that there would be a chance – and no narcissist will commit to meeting their Inner Being with daily dedication for extended periods of time.

Their whole life is constructed to avoid doing this.


Forms of Narcissistic Hoovering

I put a post up on my Facebook Page about this article, and it wasn’t surprising (as it never is) how many people had experienced the stock standard narcissistic behaviours involved in hoovering.

Here is a list of what I believe are the most common hoovering tactics with accompanying Facebook comments regarding these tactics. Not only will you note the “tactic” used – but also the atrocious behaviour that was often discovered in many instances.

Thank-you everyone for your contributions!


 Promising you everything you want

“I had the apologies, offers of marriage, promises to treat me like a princess, happily ever after etc. But the best effort was this ‘I have been thinking hard, and I think maybe I did what I did because I grew up in a love-less family. I want to see a psychologist and together with you I can change. I have no interest in any other women at all; I swear on my children’s lives that I am not speaking to any other women. I will prove to you I will do anything to have you back.’ He then got straight off the phone to me and phoned one of his past supplies to organise a weekend away. I know this because she and I met after he used photos of her in an attempt to make me jealous and want him back.”

Going to any lengths to convince you

“My ex swore on our children’s life.”

“He promised complete transparency by giving me all of his passwords to remotely access his email and social media to show he was no longer contacting other women. But of course he then just opened up more channels of contact and stopped using the ones I had access to.”

Pretending to offer support

“He seems to hoover the most just when I start to find success, happiness and serenity. He claims he wants to be supportive but in very short order he starts to sabotage me with criticism, sarcasm and reminders of past failures!”

Grand romantic or “caring” gestures

“The overly romantic overtures … the dedication of my favorite love song on the radio, which I now can’t listen to without feeling ill. I didn’t peg it before, fell for it hook line and sinker.”

“Gifts like groceries, flowers, coffees, cards and cupcakes for my daughter – at my front doorstep – to offers of exotic vacations – only to turn around and break into my car and house to take special things away. Nasty explicit texts to tell me about his new women, and texts professing love and devotion.”

 Inciting yourself-defence

“One narcissist (child’s father) drew me in to conflict by always making me feel I had to prove myself to him or his friends that I wasn’t the *insert insults here* that he kept claiming I was.”

The “like nothing happened” approach

“For me, it’s the way they would come back into my life expecting me to forget everything happened with no real discussion as to why they did what they did, unrealistic expectations of wanting me to once again drop everything to be with them.”

“He moved overseas for 4 years and then returned thinking everything would be back to ‘normal.’”

Hoovering by proxy

“My narc who I haven’t heard of for six months was out at a bar. One of my biggest and best known clients and friends was there. She decided to go up to him despite never meeting him before and talk to him about me. Texts messages then later followed asking if I was aware they met and how she would love to know what he told me. Of course she will never know, lucky for her.”

“Because I ignore all attempts at contact – such as the many letters he sends my lawyer and me – he drags my daughter into his hysterical dramas. Probably because he knows that I’m going to be pissed at his upsetting her. But the thing is, I refuse to discuss him with my daughter.”

“Buying a big red Bible and attending Church regularly and making sure the children tell me. It’s to make me regret giving up on him. I used to pray for him all the time. It used to be my ONLY prayer!!!”

Hoovering when there is another partner in the background

“The ex jumped into a serious relationship as soon as I left him. Then when he realized I wasn’t coming back he actually told me I had to meet his new girlfriend and I would approve of her!! Then a month later, I met him to get all my belongings, and he looked me in the eyes and told me he doesn’t have a girlfriend. And of course the comments, ‘I’m the only one who loves you,’ ‘We belong together because of our f…..ed up families,’ blah blah.”

Wanting “friendship”

“He randomly sends text messages as though we are friends. He continues to dismiss my previous to the point statement that I won’t be his “shoulder to lean on” and he and I would not relate at all anymore. I said I do not talk with men outside my relationship. He replied insinuating I wasn’t being truthful.“

Using your compassion against you

“He used his daughter, putting her on the phone crying wanting to come back home, this always brought me back.”

“The ex Narcopath did many things like suicide threats, and faked serious illness like heart attacks and a stroke.”

Creating drama

“He uses our son. Shows up late for pick ups. Makes huge deals and overreacts about a sneeze but can’t change a diaper. Sends email after email demanding information or creating drama around mundane issues.“

“She plans things for the kids on my days to have them and when I say no we have plans she loses her head and wants to know everything about our plans and brings up anything and everything to try and make me feel bad. She called me childish while she was doing all these things maybe to get a reaction out of me.“

Random ridiculous messages

“Mine tried hoovering with text messages asking where his ‘scissors’ were and oh, why did I have to take them!!! Lol! Weren’t even his scissors I don’t think. Then it was a baking tray!!! Lol!”

NOTE: Random messages may also include the excuse of a special events, pretending to be nice, or using nostalgia such as: “Please wish (so-and-so) my love for his / her birthday.” Or “I hope (name) enjoys his first day of school.”

Or “Are you going to (so-and-so’s) anniversary? Wish I was with you there.” Or “I’m standing in our special place, where we met. Wish you were with me.”

Many of you, who have been hoovered will relate to these common narcissistic tactics.

What is very important to understand is that hoovering is not a compliment. When a narcissist is low on supply, any sources of supply are fair game. Rather than the narcissist deal with his or her own inner emptiness and pain, the phone is picked up and numerous people could be texted in an anxious self-avoidance frenzy.

And several options may be taken up …

There is nothing “exclusive,” “loving,” “loyal,” or “endearing” about hoovering.

I love what one lady posted on my Facebook post … because it is the absolute truth.

“Got an email just this week out of the blue at midnight from the narcissist whom I hadn’t spoken to in months … ’Hi. Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you. I know I owe you an apology … blah blah.’ Translation: ‘Hey, it’s me … turns out that secondary source of narcissistic supply I rapidly discarded you for wasn’t all they were cracked up to be. I’m currently experiencing a temporary shortage of admirers as I either bore of them quickly or they figure me out. It’s hard being me … even though I’m an expert at it, the acting and keeping my lies straight is exhausting. Soooo, I was wondering if it would be okay if I did that little hoovering thing I’m so famous for. You know, where I pop in and out of your life like nothing ever happened, you stroke my ego, and I get to cause more havoc and destruction all while looking for my next victim. Interested?’”


Our Susceptibility To Being Hoovered

Narcissists know our weak spots and prey on them. This is all a part of the Personality Disorder – to use people’s character against them.

Here are some of our most common gaps that leave us open to being hoovered.

Over-responsibility to others

If you struggle with feeling over-responsible for others, and haven’t as yet healed enough to anchor into responsibility for yourself – you will be susceptible to being swayed by guilt, or feeling it is your duty to help. The narcissist may create contact by pulling on your heart strings regarding third parties or him or herself.

The core wound allowing you to be hoovered, is having felt like a caretaker from a very young age – or that other people’s issues were your fault.

Believing someone else is your “source” of security

If you feel that your survival, security or wellbeing has to be provided by someone else, you will be highly susceptible to the narcissist’s false promises of being the provider of those things for you.

The core wound making you susceptible is the survival and security fears which you took on from your childhood, and / or if you had “controlling” caretakers who did not allow you to develop into your own power to create your own life.

Believing someone else is your validation of being loveable and worthy

If you are carrying the beliefs of “having to earn approval in order to feel worthy” you will be suffering lack of self-love and self-worthiness, and you will be very susceptible to going back to “words” of love, no matter how empty they are.

The core wound causing you to be vulnerable, is having absorbed beliefs of “conditional love” in childhood regarding being worthy only for what you achieved, rather than being loved and accepted for who you are.

Believing you have to justify yourself

If you believe that your sense of self depends on what other people think of you – then you are struggling to fully believe in yourself. This means you will be susceptible to trying to prove your integrity, and that you can be easily hooked by the narcissist making contact with the use of accusations.

The core wound making you hook back in, is feeling persecuted and distrusted as a child.

These are really the main wounds that can keep us in the game, and it isn’t until the healing message is understood, “The narcissist is in my life is showing me my inner wounds that I need to clean up” that we can easily detach and say “No More!”

Such is the case when we evolve ourselves – the agony does not need to continue.

Naturally the hoovering can be reversed. Meaning that the narcissist has devalued and discarded you, and then will not answer your attempts to re-connect.

The reason why we can feel so panicked and terrorised at these times is because of the deep young wounds that many of us carry, namely “fear of abandonment.”

Rest assured that if the narcissist has found out that this is your biggest wound, it will be used against you – in identical fashion to any primal childhood wound you may be carrying.

Ultimately when we have assigned an abusive person (or any person) as the “parent” to soothe and heal our wounds, and we have not yet taken responsibility for and worked on ourselves, we are in for a rough time. Eventually, not understanding consciously what is really going on within us that requires healing, can lead us to an incredibly painful experience with a narcissist.


When We Have Given In To Being Hoovered

Many, many people in this community went back to narcissists after leaving them. I did this too on many occasions.

What I always say now to people, who are in the depths of despair after finding nothing changed and the abuse is happening again is this: “It’s all okay. Truly you just missed something that you hadn’t found and healed yet. Once you do you will break away again, and this time you will be more solid, freer and more healed than you were before this happened!”

If this article resonated with you I would love you to join me for my next free Healing Webinar called the 3 Keys To Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse. In this event I share my healing system, Quanta Freedom Healing™ which has allowed thousands of people from over 80 different countries to break free from narcissistic abuse and start new lives filled with abundance, freedom and joy.

Please click here to reserve your space for this free event.

Please know if you have been hoovered back in, you are not back at square one, you are simply co-creating with life all that is necessary to provide the clue of “What do I need to heal now in order to set myself free?”

Such is the wonderful life-affirming purposes of life, when we realise what is really going on.

I hope this article has helped you.

I look forward to answering any comments or questions below.


[mc4wp_form id="7704"]

Related blog post

Reclaim Your Radiance and Confidence After Abuse

Read More

Narcissistic Abuse and Complicated Grief

Read More

Commments (351) + Leave a comments

351 thoughts on “Hoovering – How The Narcissist Tricks You Into Breaking No Contact

  1. hi,

    Your article is inspiring. My boyfriend and I has been in silent to each other for 3 weeks. This is after I found out his lies regarding the real story of who sent the chocolates for him to his office. I sent him almost 200 text messages afte, all were my emotional hot buttons and sentiments of betrayal. I got nothing in reply. We work under one company but i myself is implementing a No Contact Policy. He does too. Though there were 3 instances that he attempted to come in contact, by means to lobbying in tge vicinity where I am, glances and words to catch my attention. But i did not give in no matter how i wanted to. I surely do miss him. But I want to regain my dignity , not to cling and to need. I believe if he doesnt want to end our relationship, he must take the 1st move. He knew that my emotional outbursts were triggered by his lies. Yet, my mind is clouded. Why he isnt doing any move either to agree with the termination of the relationship or he wants me still. His silence might be prompted by his guilt, his hurt of the words i texted him, a so be it (giving my own dose of medicine) All i want is to know if we are over or not. A confirmation from him will alleviate the torture that’s haunting me for 3 weeks. Thank you so much!

    1. Hi MJ,

      It is very common for a narcissist to play on your deepest inner wounds.

      Taking our power back is the recognition that if someone is not going to be accountable and “show up” for the relationship, and instead seeks to childishly dodge being real and authentic – and DOESN’T value you and the relationship enough to be present in integrity – that it ISN”T good enough for you.

      Then there comes the solid dedication to make this all about you – what are your young unhealed wounds that are struggling to detach – and allowing you to stay hooked?

      Once you solidly make this your mission – to evolve and dedicate to healing the parts of you necessary in order to create a great, loving life – he then becomes the “catalyst” and is no longer the illusion of being the “saviour” of your wounds.

      And no longer is he your “lifeline” who is the abuser you hand your power to … and the pattern ends in your life.

      It is “normal” to be hooked and devastated, until we completely change our perception of what this is really about.

      MJ I would love you to use your discard opportunity to come into my next free Webinar to really work this through.

      Then you will be able to liberate yourself healthily.

      You can do so here: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Mel xo

      1. Melanie you are so spot on with all your hoovering techniques. I actually laughed a few times while I was reading. My ex N was master of the game so he employed each and every one of them over a 10 year period. He had money so if I stayed strong lavish gifts, jewelry and vacations were his favorite. Of course he would throw in a few tears, and the promises of how he would now be the best boyfriend in the world were really touching. Once you know about narcissism and what makes them tick it all seems so repetitive. After my final b/u of course the begging for friendship came in when he realized all the normal hoovers wouldn’t work. I actually tried out of pity ( oh he was so pitiful at the end) but I got disgusted with his mind f games and how he tried to triangulate at every chance. NC is the only way with these toxic vampires. They can’t be a real friend or lover to anyone!

          1. I’m in a relationship with a man that I had no idea he was married until a few months in. Then I find out he also has a gf of 8 yrs wife of 10. I asked what am i? He tells me I don’t need a title but I’m his comfort. I buy him lots of things. We have been in this relationship for a year. Suddenly he has no time to see me except when I have gifts then he finds the time. Sex has ended he never has time. He cares for me and I’m special to him he sent me screen shots of a conversation with a Co worker asking him to f_%k her. He doesn’t want me to date or see other men because I’m his but he has his wife and gf. I know I’m crazy but I do as he says because I love him. If I tell him I need time with him he gets pissed and tells me fo what u way and turns his phone off. I need help I’m lonely and confused as how he can treat me it’s way. Am I crazy? Will he love me?

          1. Mary I live in Florida and I dated a guy like that, he lives in Naples Florida and he is scumbag. Anyone in Florida who knows Jeffrey Scott Paredes,, run fast when you meet him, he is more than Pathological liar and a serial cheater. Be careful to entertain a man name Jeffret Scott Paredes.

      2. Hi Melanie,

        Thank you so much for your writings, they have been very helpful. I was lucky in that I was suspicious about my Ex from the beginning, and while I probably stayed longer than I should have, I left early — as soon as it became clear that it was unhealthy and things weren’t going to change. Now, after trying (and failing) extensively to get me back, he has managed to have a conversation with me by running into me on the street. I engaged because it gave me a chance to say my piece, and agreed to meet him again at a future date. I know this goes against most advice, and may not be sustainable in the end, but it means that I can at least count on a break from attempts at contact. We’ll see. I guess I feel like engaging on occasion is OK if it gives me space, and as long as I don’t compromise on any level and stick to my guns. (I’ve read enough, I got out early enough, and I know myself well enough, that I’m sure I won’t cave). If it seems like it’s detrimental I have no qualms about refusing that as well. What do you think?


          1. MITZI!!! He CAN treat you this way because you let him. 1. Married? Walk away, he obviously loves the game more than the players. 2.married and a GF??? makes you 3rd on the list. And the GF is 8yrs deep in waste. 3. Find yourself.. and start loving yourself more than ever. Its hard to love someone who doesn’t love themselves. You’ve allowed yourself(when you weren’t looking), to become weak and frail. And he’s not a good man, or a good person at all. NO SWEET GIRL.. theres a black hole where his heart should be.. and you’ve been sucked into an illusion of love. We love with our hearts. How is that possible if theres only a black hole?? Save yourself, swim to shore, dont look back or you will surely drown. block his number, sever ALL ties, and forgive yourself for letting someone emotionally rape your parents beautiful daughter!!! Start your next chapter with yourself first. List at least 5 things you desire for yourself. Don’t be frugal, go all out, even if they seem unattainable. Start with emotions and feelings. Like, ‘I want to love and be loved’. “I want to share my life with a GREAT MAN’. “I want to feel comfortable being me’.etc.. remember to treat people the way you want to be treated, and TREAT yourself first!!! I purchased an audio book that I listen to daily, especially when I feel a bit lost. “the ultimate happiness prescription” by Deepak Chopra. OMG!! AMAZING. Should be memorized soon. After a few times, I really connected to this. Walk away, don’t look back, and explain nothing to anyone. You came into this world alone, you will depart as one the same way. Its the space between that counts most. Why not live your fullest life ?! LOVE YOURSELF FIRST!!!!!

      3. melanie,
        Thank you for your ministry in my life and the lives of many. I just read your last letter to MJ and I copied it down in my journal. Lines and paragraphs of information that is the answer for my life and my struggles. My Narcissitic husband of 7 mos just discarded me a month ago. He served me divorce papers and asked me and my children to leave. He was mean and offered no compensation for our losses, monetarily and emotionally. He just texted me a week ago and said he didn’t want to get back together but that he was sorry for the mess and the heartache. That he knew that. But he didn’t apologize for causing it and offered no compensation. The truth is, this kind of roller coaster has been going on with him for 5 years. He has kicked me out of his house before. I have a house but now its rented out.
        I have a good job and me and my kids are fine. To tell you the truth, I feel actually grateful that I have “cut my losses” and gotten out. I am actually grateful that he closed the door. I have been addicted to him for 5 years.
        I am feeling sadness and loneliness. I want to heal. I feel hopeful because now I can heal. I wrote down what you said about having the mission of evolving and dedicating myself to healing the child within. The child that is carrying a core wound.
        I know what my core wound is and I am seeing a therapist next week to work on my core wound.
        Thank you. Thank you. Thank you a hundred times over.
        Sometimes it just takes hearing the right words from a kindred soul who has walked the same road you have to get through. You have gotten through to me and I thank you.
        Bless you and keep doing what you’re doing,

        1. Wow – this is exactly what has happened to me over the last few months. My narc husband served me divorce papers and wanted me and my kids to leave immediately. We have done this several times over the last almost 4 years as well. Shocking how similar the stories are.

          1. I met a man on a prison pen pal website in 2016. For the record, we met physically when he was released from prison on April 13th, 2018. We also had sex that same weekend. That same month, he relocated to Freeport, FL. We remained in contact, and he invited me to spend a few weeks with him in August 2018. When I arrived in Florida, it was like Jekyll and Hyde. He was a drunk. I was embarrassed to be around him. I was looking forward to returning to NYC. He also preyed upon my naivety, and got $250 out of me. The last time I saw him was the weekend before Christmas, 2018. I called him out and finally realized that he is in fact, a narcissist. I plan on filing a restraining order against him.

      4. Thank you for sharing your wisdom! I’m being hoovered currently but luckily this time I recognize it for what it is, a very cunning plot to overshadow any memory of the wrongs done and win back the dysfunctional relationship, YACk! None for me thanks. Sure is a mental leap not to get sucked in!

      5. Melanie,

        I recently was hoovered after I found out he was seeing someone else and we broke up in November. I was devastated, literally sick and lost 15 klbs in a month. I realize I have abandonment issues. Before the break up he would triangulate me with his dead girlfriend. Long story short, he came back January 1, 2017 in full force. More loving than before and apologizing for all the hurt but explaining it was never his intention to cheat. He bought me pearls from Tiffany’s on our first meeting that he brought his daughter to. He bought me a new stove ( i am not one to even want or accept gifts but wanted to see if he really was doing this or waiting for me to refuse gift, like I would normally do) then after 15 days proposed with a beautiful diamond. He bought a puppy too ( like having a kid together) Now, 2 weeks later he is cold, distant and triangulating with the girl he saw ( just “accidentally” mentions her name.) He went to counseling with me before the distance started. I am not even happy with him but fear the discard! Why on earth would he go to these lengths????? Why not just move on and find a new girl?? I had just began to feel good again and life was going great.

        1. Wow… replying to my old message. He originally bought the pearls for the girl he cheated on me . The diamond he had her try on- he had given it to 2 other women- one dead, one tried to kill herself. I ended up marrying him and found out he cheated again a month before I married him ( sex) and took the same woman out the wee before I married for dinner and sunset! I found all of this out after the horrific marriage. I live in Florida and his name was Scott

      6. Hey Melanie, your article is so spot on.
        My wife of 12 years cheated on me with new supply. She’s still with the affair but has hoovered me multiple times behind his back. It’s been a brutal year but I’ll always remember the lesson not the disappointment. I currently have the children for the next 3 weeks of these Xmas school holidays as she had them the first 3 weeks. It’s all been put down in parenting legal documents. So it’s something we both agreed on. I did not contact or text. I got the occasional text from my son who said he wanted to speak with me to tell me how much he missed me. I constantly reminded both my children I will see them soon and we are going to have the best three weeks ever. She then would text saying “you are more than welcome to come for dinner to see them tonight”. Or im taking them to the movies tomorrow would you like to come”? AnD or the kids would really like to see you. ECT ect Sounds innocent and sweet right? I declined because of previous experiences. Now that I have them and we’re still only in the first week she sends a text:

        I understand it’s your time with them, when I had them, I never said no to you seeing them or spending time with them. (I NEVER ASKED)
        I would never keep our children away from you.

        3 weeks is a long time for any parent not to see there child.
        I never did that to you.
        Never stopped you, in fact I always encouraged and invited you to play with him ping pong. Keep you present because it made them happy.

        Just before handover Antonio spoke with me and asked me if we could have a date night. I promised him I’d try and come to an agreement with you. As well as bells.
        I cannot not see them perry for 3weeks. I’d never do that to you.

        Please think about it

        QUESTION: WHAT DO I DO? Should I be feeling guilty?

        1. Hi Perry,

          100% for you AND the children it s so much healthier to keep the contact between you and her separated.

          Please google my name plus “parallel parenting” and so much will be explained to help you get really clear about these boundaries and why they are healthy, as well as ho wto do them.

          I hope that this helps

          Mel 🙏💕💚

      7. Thanks Melanie for your fantastic educational work and healing advice. The Narcassist in my life was someone from a very controlling family namely her mother who was and is determined at all costs to not let her daughter have her own life, I believe she has been the victim of emotional abuse for years and now has some of the NPD traits, gaslighting, silent treatment, ghosting, projection, hoovering, examples missed phone calls, turning up at work, drive by house even more or less park outside. When I exposed something a few years ago her reply was ‘your imagining it’ and even more recently when we talked I said ‘you have really put me through it’ as in a generalisation of bad treatment she again just said ‘it’s in your imagination’. I have come to realise there is no empathy or self reflection whatsoever, they want to bait and provoke a reaction all the time so they can attack you, a friend at work said to me ‘you can never be truly happy yourself on the back of making someone else so unhappy’ I believe that is the Narcassist, all take and no give, they want to know you for what you can do for them but not as a person and they are the emotional equivalent of a toddler who toy with you forever then throw you out of their pram. Thanks again Melanie for your amazing gift of helping others get through something most people don’t even understand.

    2. Thanks again Melanie for another great article and reminder on the tactics of narcs.

      Hugs, love, and thanks to you for helping me and others so so much.


        1. Hi: So glad to have stumbled on your site. So helpful and reassuring. While I long ago got rid of my narcissistic husband, my brother and sister are horrible. So cruel and narcissistic. She is the master gaslighter. Do you have any articles on sibling narcissists?

    3. Thank you for this article. I’ve felt so foolish for going back. I’ve done ok with no contact at times but he sucks me back in. He uses our daughter. How can you not respond when he alters schedule, doesn’t take her to appointments or practices, says horrible things to her about me &my family! I clearly fall into the category of needing to justify myself. I feel like this will never end!

    4. Hi Tonia
      I just wanted to say how hard my life has been after meeting my narc, he was perfect at first of course. until I got pregnant 3 months into our relationship that’s when his mask came off and I was in hell. he was horrible to me for my whole pregnancy and eventually discarded and abandoned me when I was 7 months pregnant. I had to move back to my hometown and change my whole life, meanwhile finding out he went back to his sons mother right after. it was the worst thing I ever went through. but after I had my son and went through therapy I found myself, I found god, I started over and I was happy without him. then months later after not ever being around for our son, he comes back and claims he’s sorry and messed up and made promises to be there for our son and wanting his family back and to come back home. I didn’t give in at all, I stayed strong, I stuck to my guns, although in my mind heart I really wished he was being real. For a whole month he tried everyday to get me back with txt msgs, pictures, face timing our son and constantly trying to reassure me of how horrible his other BM was and how he’d never go back again and to give us another chance, I knew his game. I wanted to believe him though because a part of me did want my family to be whole instead of half of what he left us, but I new he wasn’t right and eventually one day I got the msg that he was gong back to his sons mom again and that he lied about the whole thing and still does love her and he blocked me from everything and cut off any communication with me or his son, just like I knew he would. Now although I didn’t give in, a part of me still feels angry and hurt and disappointed at myself. I feel like crap still and the peace that I was feeling before he came back is now gone and I feel that was his whole purpose. I’m okay I just don’t know what to do now that he has tried to do this all over again and what am I supposed to do since we have a son together that he keeps trying to come in and out of his life. I want to make no contact all together but how am I supposed to do so when we have a child. I know this isn’t the end. I can’t help but feel he will be back for more especially when he sees that I will move on and I will live a better life without him. I need to know how I can prevent him from ruining my joy again.

      1. Hi Angelica,

        I’m so sorry to hear what you have been through. My story is very very similar. I also have a son with my narcissist ex-boyfriend. When our son was just 1, his dad left us and I got the silent treatment. He simply just dropped off the face of the earth. Recently, even though he now has a new girlfriend he has been texting/calling/contacting through various apps and social media sites. I felt like you did recently, thinking we have a son together so how am I ever supposed to go no contact. Please read about the narcissist using their children as a supply. He feels nothing and chances are he would only use your son as an extension of himself and try to mold him into a mini version of himself. Personally I think our sons are a lot better off without these “men” and we need to go No Contact in order for us to have a good future. I don’t think our son’s are going to miss out on anything, especially when they have good strong women in their lives.

        Stay Strong,


        1. Thats a disgusting comment to make and it provides disturbing insight into your own narc tendencies. To suggest that a young man doesn’t need a father as long as he has one strong woman in his life is evidence of a very sick mind. Boys need Dad’s. Real bad. You ain’t enough for your son. I don’t care if his dad has some personality issues, clearly you have so.e of your own resentment against men problems that in all likelihood contributed to the demise of your relationship with your boys daddy. I guarantee there is another side to your story. Only Dad knows that one though, i would suspect. Just keep up the bullshit victim story though, im sure you have many people fooled and bli ded to your own faults. He needs his Dad so long as the man doesn’t abuse him in any way that is truly dangerous. Boy needs his Pop lady. Period. Get over yourself.

          1. Who are you Jo Omney to leave such an attack on Lauren?
            I have two sons who I watch go off with their Dad for weekends of emotional narcisstic abuse. Unless you see it first hand you can’t judge. My boys would be better off without that confusion in their life. Lauren…I’m with you. The only up side I see in that I am teaching my boys to be aware of Narcs, I’m teaching them about integrity, and being able to have street smarts to be able to see through the BS. My eldest is already over his fathers lies, the blaming he gets, the manipulation….I need not elaberate as the stories are all the same. Jo Omney……A Young Man needs a healthly loving role model, not a monster be it their father or not.

          2. Jo omney

            All of your comments are reflective of you & your personality. You have tried to attack Lauren rather than be constructive. Lauren has stated her situation but your attitude reflects your intent – to attack Lauren’s personality. You use aggressive, emotional & derogative language such as ‘disgusting’, ‘You ain’t enough for your son’, ‘..your own resentment against men.’ You have also blamed her for the relationship’s demise. I agree with the other two posts that you are trying to cause trouble which are very narcissistic traits.

          3. Get off your horse Jo omey you’r comment is a reflection of your inbuilt male sympathiser reflex.

            The women you’re berating isn’t condoning the seperation of healthy relationships in a child’s life.

            Stay in your lane.
            Stay in context.
            See someone about your rage.

        2. Lauren, if you think “good, strong women” can make up for a father in any childs life, you are WRONG and foolish. And you and your children AND their future families will pay the consequences. Try to connect with reality.

          1. So what you are saying, is those children who say, lose their fathers to death, have no hope in life? Perhaps YOU need to reconnect with reality.

    5. mj, You have ask yourself do you really want a Narcissist as a boyfriend? When you miss them we all forget how they treated us badly!!! You worth is so much more than that. You will NEVER ever get the truth from him. They never leave you alone unless you go cold turkey that means no NC at all.
      READ THIS!!!“Got an email just this week out of the blue at midnight from the narcissist whom I hadn’t spoken to in months … ’Hi. Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you. I know I owe you an apology … blah blah.’ Translation: ‘Hey, it’s me … turns out that secondary source of narcissistic supply I rapidly discarded you for wasn’t all they were cracked up to be. I’m currently experiencing a temporary shortage of admirers as I either bore of them quickly or they figure me out. It’s hard being me … even though I’m an expert at it, the acting and keeping my lies straight is exhausting. Soooo, I was wondering if it would be okay if I did that little hoovering thing I’m so famous for. You know, where I pop in and out of your life like nothing ever happened, you stroke my ego, and I get to cause more havoc and destruction all while looking for my next victim. Interested? – This is what the Narcissist thinks when he tries to get you back for the same reason. I pray that you ask God to help you to live a life without this Jerk!!! I pray that you will go with your life and you will be much happier!!! GOD BLESS YOU!!!!

  2. Hello Melony. I am 60 and have been separated for 2 years from a 40 year marriage. I have realised after reading your letters that I am co-dependant. Never looked after myself EVER!!!!!! Just everyone else. I am in the middle of being the one doing the hoovering he is in the Philippines with a girl 38 our daughters age. He thinks it is hilarious but has not admitted it to me. I can’t stop contacting even though he dumped me in the most horrific way imaginable. He contacts occasionally Birthdays, Anniversary says he can’t forget the memories. It kills me every time. Your letters arrive just in time to council me so often. This one has again arrived just in time. I need to talk to someone like you. Do you know anyone in a Perth that might be able to help me? Thank you for your time. Gayle x

    1. Hi Gayle,

      Nice to meet you here! This is wonderful that you are starting to look at you, because that is how you can take your power back and heal ….

      The deeper inner work is what is really necessary in order to break free Gayle. I am not a fan of any therapy that doesn’t work directly on the subconscious – because staying in the mind-stories of “talk” therapy only keeps people stuck without creating Inner Identity Shifts.

      Gayle I don’t have any therapists I can recommend – however I always suggest to people ETF or Kinesiology (body / subconscious work) is much more powerful than talk therapy.

      You need to find someone who can work on deep ancestral DNA issues to get deep enough for N-abuse to help you de-toxify this level of trauma, and your Inner Identity Programs which allowed it to happen to you.

      Naturally Gayle I am going to strongly recommend the NARP Program, (my Program) because I specifically created it to cater at this powerful, deep level), and it is the most effective treatment I know of – and it has been specifically created for N-Abuse.

      It has created healing results that are unprecedented in the Global Abuse Community.

      NARP also comes with an incredible on-hand 24/7 Private Forum Community that I humbly believe is the most effective abuse recovery community in the world – because is TOTALLY specific to forward Thriving generated recovery.

      You can find out more here: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/services/narc-abuse-recovery.htm

      The entire program is less than two therapy sessions, and gives you life / unlimited access to profound solutions and resources.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      1. Hi Melanie, thank you so much for this article. It has truly helped put so many things in perspective for me.

        In your reply did you mean to say EFT instead of ETF? I love EFT but I can’t seem to find any info on ETF as per your suggestion.

        Thanks Heaps,

        Angela xo

    2. Hi Gayle,
      Please stop contacting him. It is time for you to work on yourself; you are a wonderful individual, and it’s time you see that! You deserve to be happy! Being with a narc is not happy-making! Please do Melanie’s program, and also do something like Yoga, Falun Gong, and just start taking really good care of yourself; eat organic foods, and watch funny movies!

    3. Gayle, You know how I was freed from my EX the biggest Narcissist you can imagine. He is 41 year old and has become a master at this .I know I was with him for almost 3 years. I finally had enough of the Bullshit and went NC with fb , Twitter, Instragram. I even changed my number. I prayed to God to take all of my feelings away from this jerk!! God did exactly that it has been 2 months and I feel so free!!! I have no desire to look for any information on him from any social programs. God will save you from ever feeling unworthy from this creep. You know we make them out to be bigger than ourselves which is a lie!!! Once we really realize how small and inhuman they really are!!! They have no power over us!! You have to take your power back !! I pray that this helps you in living a more deserving life for yourself!!! God bless you !!!

      1. Naomi,
        Your comment was finally my AH HAH moment.
        “You know we make them out to be bigger than ourselves which is a lie!!!
        Once we really realize how small and inhuman they really are!!! They no power over us!!”
        Thank you! Thank you!

  3. He texted me a picture of our wedding. Our picture looked so beautiful, my heart melted, i fell in love all over again and happily went back to him. Now i am asking myself what in hell had i done…..the psychological abuse escalated.

    1. At least you’ve recognised what’s happened.A big hook that one. Mine did the same and I went back as well.
      You’ve left before and you can do it again. Be safe and remember that there are plenty of other survivors that have been through it and out the other side.

      1. The wedding picture! Ha! Yes! We are six weeks into separation, and he has tried everything. We had been married just shy of 17 years, when I up and left (took me almost 10 years to muster the courage to close my eyes and jump into the darkness he had sworn would swallow me whole if I ever left him). Everything from the “I’m so sorry for everything I’ve ever done to hurt you” to sending me perfume I asked for for Mother’s Day four months ago, but got a plant and a shrug at the time instead, to sending me a Kitchen aid and an offer to buy me a big house in the city where I relocated if I would just ‘drop the divorce and come back.’ Funny, though…interwoven in every letter were comments like “well, I am a good person and I have never stopped loving you and I have done nothing wrong” to “well, if you come back, you have to abide by these rules” to “too bad we are wasting the children’s college fund on a divorce. I will never agree to this. You must come back or we won’t be able to help our children get the education they deserve because you’ve wasted so much money trying to divorce me.” I am so grateful I stumbled onto articles like this about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Living with someone like this, who isolates you to the point of complete despair, where they are the only thing you have left in your life and that one thing that they are is poison, is a slow painful death. Their poison burns holes in your heart that makes it impossible to fully trust again your own judgement of others. Just the other day, my attorney causally said one word in our conversation, a word that had been thrown at me when I was already down (because he KNEW how powerful words are to me), and this one word from my attorney’s lips left me a fragile heaving mess for days. The maddening effects of living with someone like this is near impossible to explain. It’s like this: your N brings your cookies all the time because he knows how much you love cookies (and keep in mind, this is your only source of nourishment). But in one or two of them, he adds in a pebble. It’s small, but when you bite into it, you feel it crack at your teeth and choke you slightly as you swallow and then you feel it sit in your stomach. It’s small, so it’s easy to justify away. “Oh, it must have been just a hard lump of sugar, or maybe it’s a burned chocolate chip” or he makes you believe it is your fault that the cookie hurt your tooth, so you keep eating. The cookies taste so good and you are so hungry and they make you feel complete, so you try to ignore the pebbles which are so perfectly disguised you can’t tell they are there until the damage is done. Well, after years and years of two or three cookies with pebbles mixed into the group, your insides are full of tiny pebbles that are no longer just tiny pebbles but one giant rock that weighs you down and makes you feel horrible. But the N keeps bringing the cookies, and over time, starts to add more and more pebbles, until one day you realize that he never loved you at all. He used what he knew would work to get poison into you that would weigh you down so much you would never be able to leave. Taking our biggest fears (in my case fear of poverty, loneliness, rejection, being overweight) he threw at me from every angle. “If you leave, you will be destitute, you will have no friends, you will never get a job, and you will have to work so much that you will get fat.” Like chains around my ankles. But, finally, I felt the love of God flow from heaven, and a door opened and I closed my eyes and jumped. And you know what I found? I didn’t fall into an abyss, but rather I stepped onto another platform. Within two weeks of running away (with my five young children) with no house, no car, and no job, I found an apartment, I got a car (used, but drivable), and I secured a job. Darkness wasn’t waiting to engulf me, but rather I found a bright light of hope. He had kept me pushed into a dark corner for so long that I had forgotten how real true light is, and that there is plenty of sunshine for even me to have some. I’m only six weeks into the actual divorce, but you know what? If my soul managed to survive, although barely, in the dark and imprisoning cage of my captor for 17 years, I am positive, well optimistically hopeful, that I can survive anything that is thrown at me. The sun will not stop shining and as long as I don’t stay in the shade too long, I will have the strength to push through. Fear of the unknown is crippling, but when we step into the light and begin a new journey down a healthier path, the universe will help pave the way.

        1. Whitney,

          You are a hero and your cookie analogy is spot on!!!!! You hang in there and keep going…don’t look back. Just keep on going girl! Don’t look back…just keep on going! Good for you!! Yeah!!!


        2. “…and you will have to work so much that you will get fat.”

          I fail to understand the logic in this. I mean if someone has to work so much to keep a roof over their head, that person is not going to have a lot of time or money to eat excess amounts of food. I would think that alone would make a person quite skinny even if he or she was somewhat sedentary.

          I am proud of you and very happy for you that you stepped into the unknown and discovered it was brighter than expected. I, too, was very scared to divorce my ex and step into an unknown future. It was hard, but I found the unknown has been a lot brighter than what I knew with my ex.

        3. This story has left me speechless and crying… 8 years I’ve been dealing with hell… To the point I have no clue who I am or if I can survive without him around… It’s beyond the worst feeling ever! I have a 3 year old son and want nothing but to just run away with my son and never look back but I can’t… How is someone able to destroy you and your life so much….

          1. You have found Melanie, and a lot of people she has helped, and you CAN do this- you can leave the narcissist.
            Start by seeing if a friend or relative can help you with a place to live; do not tell the narc you are leaving. Get all the money you can, wait until the narc is not at home, get your child and leave.
            We do not know much about your situation; are you married to the narc, or what? Keep us posted, God Bless you!

        4. Big hugs to you Whitney! The cookie analogy really opened up my eyes to my situation. My ex narc had been feeding me cookies laced with pebbles for the longest of time until it finally weighed me down and sickened me! I have finally seen the light after all his multiple hoovers! But I’M. DONE! thank you for sharing your story. God bless.

        5. Whitney,

          Thank you for your story and pebble analogy…it’s remarkable how true and accurate that is!
          I don’t know if you’ll see this reply but I hope somehow you do and to see that years later your words are still making an impact.
          Blessings xo

    2. Hi Maryanne,

      it is so understandable to fall back into the “fairytale”, becuase of course that is what we wanted to be true.

      A deeper truth is our emancipation though – and that’s what narcissistic abuse brought to our attention. That to receive true love we need to heal to become true love to ourselves … and then it is possible.

      Mel xo

      1. Oh my goodness, so true! Fairytale LOL…One of the first cards he ever gave me at the beginning of our 34 year sham marriage. Finally found out I was his front to look “normal” as he is a closet sexual deviance addict. I’m out, I’m alive, and after one week devouring your teachings I am healing. Today I finally listened to my inner child for the first time ever. Thank you, Melanie. Having some difficulty with the online aspect, but just reading whatever teachings I can find from you.

  4. Hi Mel: I would like to strongly recommend NARP work to anyone who is suffering in the limbo of repeatedly broken No Contact periods, as well as waiting for the other shoe to drop, and thinking that what they had with the narcissist was real love. I’m eight weeks away from one year of working NARP. Literally, NARP has saved my life! I can actually feel ALL the fragments of my soul that I thought I lost forever coming back. The only “hook” I have is guilt for feeling happier and happier. But I’m working on that one. The repeated hoovering and intensified abuse, the disrespect, the soul crushing lies…it is BORING BORING BORING BORING BORING and anti-life. Any period of No Contact is a good time to start NARP work. Each period of No Contact and working NARP makes one stronger and more able to deal with hoovering. XOX to you, Mel, and thank you again, for this latest effort. Thank you for NARP. I’m having many great days and if hoovering is attempted I feel the big hooks just aren’t there anymore. It may be unpleasant to have to deal with hoovering, but it won’t result in any form of soul snatching. Thanks to NARP! xox Charlene

    1. Hi CHarlene,

      I know how hard you needed to work at it to heal the parts that kept hooking you back in – and it is so lovely to see you coming out the other side!

      You should be incredible chuffed with how far you have come.

      You are so welcome Charlene, and big kudos to you for being so brave, meeting you, and doing the work you needed to do.

      You are now leaving behind painful survival and flowing forward into True Thriving!

      I am so happy for you 🙂

      Mel xo

      1. Haha…I had to look up “chuffed” in Australian slang dictionary. For those of you who want to know…chuffed means delighted or pleased. Yeah, Mel, I’m totally chuffed! Haha.
        Too right!—- Chuffed… is a great word!

  5. Your message came just in time. I have done parts of your NARP Program and Family of Origin. Now that I am having contact with the NARC again due to our child’s medical problems, I really need to keep a detachment. I will be working some more on myself. I am really starting to see the holes within me.

    1. Hi Carla,

      I am so pleased this article has alerted you.

      Great you are seeing the gaps in you being triggered, because you will be totally able to detach when you shift them …

      You will be solid, strong and impenetrable!

      Mel xo

  6. Again your article arrived at just the right time.
    I’ve been no contact (apart from a few slip ups that were not followed up by me) for 5 months. This has been going on for over 7 years. We have been divorced for this time as well but I’ve been sucked back into the vortex of the Narc repeatedly.
    I’ve been working on myself solidly for over a year and am pleased that I finally have some self esteem and confidence which was sucked out of me by the constant abuse.
    He sent me a message 2 weeks ago telling me that he was “completely fucked” as far as other women were concerned. I maintained no contact, then 2 days ago after catching up with a male friend found out that he’d been bragging about his latest women conquests.
    This made me really angry (not about the women but at myself for believing him) and I broke no contact to tell him I’d found out his lies.
    You don’t have to guess what happened. Deny, deny, deny then it was turned around to try and make me the bad person.
    There was a to and fro of text messages for a day and a half before he realised that I’m strong and independent and not believing his crap.
    A final text from him saying “I wont waste any more of your time”.
    This means he realises I’m not an easy mark for his narcissistic supply.
    I do know though that there will be more messages when his other supplies are low.
    After beating myself up for a short while I gave myself a pat on the back for how far I’ve come and the relief and realisation that I’m free.

    Thanks so much for the support from you and your site.
    Psychologists have little to no idea of the devestation that a Narc has on your life and definitely no ability (in my experience) to treat the effects

    1. Hi Lou,

      I am so pleased this article has helped you; however you were already doing a great job!

      There are no mistakes – you were meant to hear that message from the friend.

      You were also meant to have the “exchange” you did.

      It not only showed how far you had come, it also helped you evolve past another ‘gap’ that you could up-level.

      It’s all good 🙂 Great job!

      Mel xo

    2. Hey there Lou,
      Stay strong! You are very fortunate in that
      there is no reason for you to have to have contact with the narc. Keep doing Melanie’s program, and focus on taking care of yourself. Here is something to think about:
      Let’s say that you have a very specific food allergy; let’s say that for example, you like strawberries, but you have an allergy to them. Of course, you would stay away from them, right? Of course you would. Then let’s say that you discover you had been eating GMO strawberries that had been sprayed with pesticides that could not be washed off. OK, now this is a game changer! So then, you start to try eating organic strawberries, and discover you have no reaction! Yay! You can eat strawberries! Cool!
      It is the same way with narcs. They look like they are human, they act at first like they are human, but they are not. They are like the GMO pesticide-sprayed strawberries; they produce toxic stuff whenever you interact with them, and like GMO stuff, they are inherently toxic to be around, unlike real humans, who are generally ok.
      Get the picture? Hope this helps; keep us posted! Cheers!


  7. So right Melanie
    I have had no contact for two years -he has suddenly endorsed me on Linked In… For the second time …But reading this -(oh so much of it is so familiar )has absolutely reinforced my initial feeling of ‘so what does he want ‘ -and the answer is -to see if I am still interested ( and up for more hideous abuse !)
    Umm No .

    1. You can block him on LinkedIn. If you don’t, you leave his endorsement as a reminder to everyone, including yourself, of your association with him. You also give him easy access to your associations and comments. Yes, he can put up a fake profile, but some won’t bother and you can trump this by only interacting with those you know in person.

    2. Thank you for this post. I’m experiencing an ex making sudden appearances at gatherings he seldom attends due to the time of day, he’s been popping up at night and he’s been a frequent day person, I’ve experienced and observed, in my short ‘relationship’ with him. It’s been about a month since last contact was made. I expected no contact from him and a small chance of meeting in the community. Now that he’s popped up after a hiatus, he has made no attempt to approach me and I have no desire to engage with him. His unexpected presence alone is very distracting and confusing. It, on a very basic level, feels like, by making his presence blatantly known, he is trying to torture me and illicit initial contact from me by not interacting and maintaining emotional distance, while keeping in close intentional physical proximity. I hope this makes sense. It really feels like a feeble attempt to be noticed without real contact and control and manipulate my mental state. Each move is executed unexpectedly with absolute intention. Nothing happens on accident. It’s a continuous mind f*** (sorry about profanity). Any feedback is welcome and appreciated. Peace and love to all fighting for their sanity

      1. This sounds oh so familiar to me. This is a fairly typical covert narc tactic that has been used by my ex repeatedly…showing up mysteriously at events he would never, ever normally go to just to spy on me. It’s so true what people say about the narc still thinking that they own you, the covert stalking is their way of trying to control you. They truly cannot stand the idea of you having a life that doesn’t include them. He has even done this when he was dating other women, he flat out refused to leave me alone. Ironic really, because being a good looking and talented and somewhat well known musician who constantly has some female always willing to pick at the bones of our dysfunctional relationship you’d think he’d have enough to keep him satisfied but oh no….always the out of the blue text or email just when you think he was gone for good. I finally told him that I know what he is and how he operates…something you should apparently never do to a narc, but knowing that I’m done with the mindf*** for good perhaps this time he will drop off the face of the planet for good. His codependent ex-wife recently moved back to the city so maybe I’ll be off the hook permanently. Here’s hoping!

  8. I was in a relationship with a person that had been in a relationship with a Narcissist for 8 years, (Married, had a child, divorced, and moved out and back 8 times). When I met her, she was the most exciting woman I had ever met. She wanted to know everything about me, we fell and love and were planning on moving in together. After a trip to New York, we were greeted at the airport by her ex-husband Narc, with her son and a sign that said(We love you and we want you back). After an emotional breakdown where she cried for two days, she went back to him. It only lasted 6 months, after which she called wanting to be friends. Because I loved and cared for her, I agreed. What I found over the next year is that she herself suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder. Have you encountered the Dynamics between a Narc and a Borderline before? They seem like a natural for feeding each others fantasies and insecurities. Your Thoughts?

    1. Hi Brian,

      Personality Disordered people are “exciting”, they are spontaneous – high energy (the lows aren’t witnessed for a while) and emotionally stimulating …

      Until we realise that peace, tranquillity and authenticity is actually much sexier!!

      The truth is yes Borderline and / or Co-dependency is a match for Narc.

      There is inner emptiness, the inability to self-soothe, and often the clinging on to another person as the “Source” and the terror of facing self, and healing and generating oneself as a healthy self-Source.

      That is until the gaps are healed … then narc hook-ups aren’t a “matchup”.

      Mel xo

  9. Hey Melanie, reading your article….in relation to my Ex Narc Male Fiance and myself as the Co-depednant….but I think I am now doing the hovering….it’s been 6 months of no-contact….and recently after I put some posts up on Facebook about how hurt I was how my ex cheated on my with a 30 year old etc etc my ex Narc came out of the woodwork to ask me to take the posts down ie so he can save face after what he has done. For some reason it has triggered in me the need to have things “on good terms” and now I find myself sending him emails that are angry about him staying with the girl he cheated on me with, and the next minute I am emailing him asking to catch up so we can talk about things or sending an email that might be helpful etc. So I think I am hovering. Either that, or I am a Narcissist too!! (I am pretty sure I am not a Narcissist, I have done a lot of work on my co-dependency issues) – maybe it is just the addiction to him resurfacing. Crazy stuff hey!

    1. HI Sharnee,

      to be a narcissist you need to have zero conscience, a lack of empathy and be a pathological liar.

      And in “every day” life, not just triggered into crazy feelings and reactions now.

      Sharnee, you are going through what virtually ever co-dependent does in narc abuse – addiction, and acting out behaviours and feelings that you never thought you would.

      Sharnee these are YOUR young inner wounds that feel unloved, abandoned, and discarded – playing out. They are the driving force making you feel and behave in powerless ways …

      It is what we ALL did (pretty much without exception).

      Sharnee he is not the saviour of these young wounds, he was in your life to bring them up for you – and they existed within you (dormant or not so dormant) before he was in your life, until he made the unconscious extremely conscious for you.

      If you take off all focus of trying to hold him responsible for fixing your fear and anxiety and start the journey inwards to heal you (which is what this is truly all about) he will become irrelevant, and the development of you will become your highest mission.

      Then the pain and the pattern can end.

      Does this make sense?

      Mel xo

  10. Many people seem to have the experience of getting hooked by being guilt-tripped, which I can relate to. Why is the narcissist hoovering and telling you about his lack of success with other women? Or lying about it? Maybe he’s guilt tripping you, like saying if you had been a “better person and partner” he wouldn’t have to be out there dealing with all the chaos. Nonsense! If you aren’t together – what he’s doing or not doing is none of your concern. The narcissist ex-partner will guilt trip you into taking on any role he needs at the moment: “fallback woman” “mother figure” “available on-the-spot lover” “therapist” “close friend” “confident” and one my former ex-husband invented: “spare wife” to which I said, “Look, you have a new wife. I have no interest in being an ex-wife wife.” With a little detachment you can see how unfair this all is. I can see the “hook” might be that subconsciously you have a desire to be “seen” and validated for the truly wonderful person you are. However, the narcissist isn’t at all interested in validating you. What he wants is ATTENTION ATTENTION ATTENTION. The more you work on being your own source of validation, the stronger you’ll be when the INFANTILE IMMATURE EX-PARTNER starts sniffing around.
    All he has to offer is kitchen cupboard love. He wants love muffins from you. He wants your food. I told this to my brother – who is a champion of my well-being – and he said to me, “This person doesn’t want love muffins. He’s a vampire. He wants BLOOD muffins.” Ohhhhhh! Creeeeeeepy! Happy Halloween! Beware lest you be tricked into giving up your best treats!

  11. Oh, Sharnee, how is all this making you feel? I am NOT going to tell you how I think you should feel, or what you should do — but please, please consider how this is making you feel. Just reading your comment makes me feel…like I want to go outside and howl at the moon. Just kidding!!! But when I was involved on that level with what ex-partners were doing it did make me feel crazy. I don’t know. Maybe it’s about control. I’ve been there. Control was a big issue for me. But again, it’s only accomplishing one thing – feeding ego — and ego is insatiable and bloodthirsty.

  12. Unfortunately this article came out one day too late for me as I gave in to hoovering one day ago. I went from healing and working on myself to now not sleeping or eating again. This article has given me a lot of perspective on it. My narc was trying to reach out at first it was slight, then more because I did not answer until he used a medical issue to pull at my heart. He even told me he did that on purpose. I saw him and he wanted sex. He was so sweet and caring and even said he might want to try to start over, but was elusive about it. He said I would see him again and we would get together. Then after I left the texts became friend like or distant. If I said something nice the texts were cold. The next day (today) I found out he is seeing someone from his texts to me. He said he had plans when I asked doing what? He said he didn’t feel comfortable discussing this with me. He wouldn’t answer questions. I told him he was doing the same thing to her as he did to me. Texting someone else and wanting to be with someone else while he’s with her. He said yeah I probably shouldn’t text with you anymore. It’s heart breaking to feel someone else was chosen over you, but what I have to remember is the physical and mental abuse will happen to her as well. He will not change. Maybe this is what I needed to finally put this behind me.

    1. Hi Jamie,

      It is incredibly cruel, the reel back in and then discard again.

      Narcissists are famous for it.

      Jamie, truly I want you to know there are “no mistakes” in any of our choices or what life brings … it is always showing us what we need to heal within ourselves in order to set ourselves free past the abuse and the pain.

      The question is: Do we accept this and make the most of the opportunity, or do we beat ourselves us and remain a victim and unconscious.

      I don’t believe you were meant to get this information a day ago – I believe what happened happened “for” you and not “to” you.

      I’d love you come into me next Free Webinar to start creating this inside out empowering orientation.

      Mel xo

  13. Hi, I’ve been split 18mths roughly. My ex is in a ‘serious’ relationship. With a girl who’s ex used to beat her! Your blog on hoovering came just at the right time. As my ex texts me every time he has our children. Each weekend of contact. To see if he can come collect their summer coats. I’ve also found out he isn’t changing their clothes (only underwear) and saying I don’t send clothes! My solicitor did say I don’t need to provide any clothing. It’s very confusing. He text me last week to say he has a video of my 8 year old daughter crying. Saying I scare her to death. And that she begs to stay with him. (Both my daughters run from his car to my door) I ask him to stop texting me petty texts. He continues to straight away. But it’s always things that I feel I have to reply too! As it could make me look bad in court! It’s such a frustrating time. As I just want to be left alone! I regret all the wasted years I spent with an abusive/violent narc. Why is he still trying to feed off me? When he has a new girlfriend?

    1. Hi Laura,

      he is doing what narcs do – get a feed with reaction, and continue to punish …

      That is until you can heal the parts for you that are being triggered emotionally …

      As always these are our old wounds – about feeling “guilty”, “wrong”, “scapegoated” etc …

      Then I promise you – when you are no longer a source of any energetic “attention” (a feed) it will completely stop – it always does.

      Mel xo

  14. Hello…I got divorced yesterday. He wanted it I didn’t so it was granted been separated a yr since he abandoned me and went back to Indiana to live with mommy ay 50. Then three hrs later he texts anout a recall on my car. I didn’t respond wont respond I’m sure this will occur again. Was married 16 yrs I love him with all my heart and feel like im dying a slow death inside. What’s next? Please help I’m so very sad.

    1. Dear Barbara, just a word of encouragement from a total stranger: you are so loved.

      The divorce, the abandonment, all the hurts you experienced: they are nothing compared to the love that is right beside you, behind you … all around you.

      Last weekend I listened to an older woman who truly believed she was dying (from physical problems and much emotional hurt too.) Suddenly a young boy appeared beside her (she admitted it may have been her imagination, but she really “saw” it) and he simply said to her: “Why are you looking this way? Look that way…” pointing to the other side of the room, the door.

      Somehow for her that “other way” meant life, love and peace. She went toward it, and is now alive again. Hope you will do the same … love, life and peace are near you: seek them today.

    2. Hi Barbara,

      my heart goes out to you.

      I remember feeling the same heartbreak re my divorce…years ago.

      It’s time to heal you Barbara so that you can love you, love life and evolve past this.

      That is your emancipation, but you have to take a stand for it – because there is no “rescue party”, you are your saviour and then that stand creates the support, the resources and the “way”, which many people in this community have chosen – and stood with each other for.

      Each day can be steps and actions in that direction. Healing from the inside out is the most powerful way to create that.

      Mel xo

  15. After 1.5 years of separation my ex-Narc still keeps trying to hoover me back, roughly once in 2-3 months, usually saying that this separation hurts our daughter, and that THEY BOTH want me back (although she lives with me most of the time so she has me virtually every day) or that he’s so miserable, ill, alone and it’s all my fault. Then he tries contacting me obsessively (YOU destroyed a lovely family, YOU are a psychopath… but I still love you!) until I block him again, then it all goes quiet for weeks. No chance he will hoover me successfully though. I still remember all the bad things from the past and to be honest with you I don’t really think about him, which is good 🙂

  16. Dearest Mel,
    Thank you for this great post. I have been in this situation for 8 yrs. I have been hoovered more times than I can recall, three proposals of marriage, promises of a beautiful house, you are the only woman for me ever. This last summer he met someone else and left, but when I ignored him and did no contact, he couldn’t stand it and I had a Facebook friend request from the new woman, who quickly said Total mistake, please accept my apologies. It was probably him, on her FB account, making sure I knew who she was.
    Your reminders of this pathological behaviour being text book narc help remind me what an empty and worthless relationship it was. And that I deserve better.
    I have recently come across an old photo of myself aged 7, with my siblings and my Mum and lovely Granny. I have had it printed and framed and now I talk to little me and honour her authenticity as my true and worthy self.
    You are a huge blessing Mel, thank you.
    Big love. X

  17. Thank you for this article – I have gone back to my ex three times now – and as you say each time the verbal abuse was worse and quicker but I still blame myself and pick out moments when he seemed to care as he isn’t as extreme as some of the other posts I have read. I keep fantasising that he will come back reformed and love me as I truly loved him but the reality was so different. Do you reach a point where you just can’t take anymore because I think I am there and just about to cut off my mobile phone to ensure I am not reeled back in. Secondly, I feel that I have narcissistic traits even though I don’t match any of the signs of it..is this a normal reaction?

    1. Maya: This is something I have thought about, too, that is, am I a narcissist? I think being being abused by a malignant narcissist is such an unhealthy situation, I can’t answer that question until I am fully recovered and emotionally stable. I know that when I got to the end of the relationship I was doing crazy things. I did not recognize myself. The beautiful thing about extended no contact is a feeling of normalcy. My heart goes out to you. I know that fantasy that he might be caring and loving again. It is the hardest thing to give up the fantasy – like death. It is so sad. No one can understand how painful it is. You are probably exhausted, and taking care of yourself isn’t selfish. It’s healthy. Best of luck.

    2. Hi Maya,

      this cognitive dissonance – “the excuses” all occur as a result of the inner unhealed young parts of you trying to assign the abuser as the “parent” to heal these wounds.

      The wounds that are the unfinished unconscious childhood business.

      The true solution is partnering you to heal you and become that “partner /parent” to yourself.

      This is exactly what the NARP Program creates.

      The truth is Maya, the “whiteknuckling it” version is trying to stop what your inner wounds are driving you to do – with the use of logic – which is mere survival and means continuation of living with the wounds and trauma – and that’s the tough way.

      The true healing path is by stark contrast, the meeting and healing of self.

      That creates not only freedom from the abuse, but also freedom for the wounds we carried our entire life up till the narc made them obvious for us.

      Then joy and true life can begin.

      No, you are not a narc, you are triggered into the extreme powerlessness of unhealed wounds.

      Until you heal them …

      Mel xo

  18. wow…… hovering is the stage i find myself in with a narcissistic sister. i fear opening emails and reading texts that try to make something out of nothing concerning an elderly parent. she demands that i call, i am not supposed to email. 🙂 but if i do email i am only allowed to reply to sister’s emails and not start my own email. leaves voice mail saying she misses the sound of my sweet voice but when i have attempted contact or shown a kindness i am rejected each and every time. Thank you Melanie for explaining all of the steps….you are helping.

  19. My very soon to be ex-husband, who wanted out of our marriage to have an exciting life and to have a family (although he can’t father children), finally contacted me after I’d sent an email to his last known work email address.

    I wanted to know as our 2 years of legal separation were up and we could file for a Dissolution of Marriage, whether he wanted to file a joint application, as I had investigated filing separately and it would be a harder process and more costly.

    His response was that he had filed separately and that I was going to be served papers by a process server within the next week or so. He then said in his email “Send me an email after you’ve signed the papers if you like. I will be away on a training course the week you are being served but I can still check my email messages.”

    My immediate feeling was what would I possibly want to say to him. I don’t wish to have any contact whatsoever with him, and only emailed him to get the Dissolution sorted out so I can truly be free of any ties to him.

    So, when I got the papers served a week later and read through them, I now understand what was behind him saying I should email him after I get the papers.

    Can you guess the date he filed the papers with the Court? It was on my birthday. I’m pretty sure he did this deliberately – the funny thing is that surprisingly I did not feel “hurt” by this. I just thought to myself “well that proves just exactly what sort of person he really is”.

    I guess he expected me to get all upset and send him an emotional email.

    Well guess what – I have not responded and I don’t intend to.

    I also know he has lied in those Court papers, as he is not living at the address he has put on those papers, and has not lived there for over a year.

    He is living with another woman now who has 2 grown up children. She is not working or if she is she is only working part-time. His best friend’s wife told me all of this. She doesn’t like my STBX’s new woman. He is supporting her and living with her in a State House. She is not supposed to have someone else living there as the Govt is supporting her to live in that house. He earns NZ$120,000 per annum. He paid for her to go on holiday with him to attend his best friend’s daughter’s wedding in another country. He never ever took me on trips overseas. Always complained about the cost.

    Even when my health was very bad, he insisted I keep on working. He once told me “if I have to work – you have to work too and have a full-time job not a part-time job”.

    I don’t feel anything for him anymore, except perhaps a bit of pity. And I feel sorry for this woman he is now living with. He has had several girlfriends between me and her in the space of 2 years, after being married to me for 21 years. I know he will end up treating her badly, although at the moment it sounds like he is showering her with his charm and money and pretence of being such a good, caring guy.

    He has bought land and building a house and according to his best friend’s wife, he intends for her to move in with him. His best friend does not understand what he is doing with his life – cannot understand why our marriage fell apart. He can’t understand why my STBX would leave me. His best friend has said I am the nicest, sweetest woman he knows and he just doesn’t understand why my STBX would not want me in his life.

    I guess his best friend does not understand what he is – has always been. When I started seeing through him and challenging STBX, that is when I think he realised he needed to get rid of me and find someone else who would worship the ground he walked on and treat him like he felt he should be treated.

    My STBX revealed his true personality and traits and lack of morals, ethics and principles. When I discovered and confronted him about stealing from work and threatened to tell his boss if he did not take the things he’d stolen back to work, that I think is when he realised I was no longer a push-over. I stood up to him and he didn’t like it. I knew too much about him so he had to cut me out of his life.

    As I said, I am not going to contact him. What for? There is nothing I want from him except to be free of him and his attempts to always control me.

    I have moved on with my life – moved to a new smaller city which I am loving. It took me a while to find a job, but I recently got one and am enjoying it. I am now in the process of building my own modest 2-bedroom home with the funds I received from separation. Oh did I mention he got really pissed off because I ended up with 70% and he only got 30% out of our split? He was not happy about that.

    My life since separation has changed enormously. I have found me again. I am making new friends, exploring new interests and realising that despite what he ever thought of me, I am actually a pretty incredible woman! I love my life on my own, being able to do what I want, when I want and in many respects he has done me a huge, huge favour!

  20. My ex’s son goes to school with my son so I see him all the time (he makes sure of it, he will wait around in the car park until I arrive). I try not to look at him and he sends me messages saying things like ‘what’s wrong, you always look so sad when I see you at school’ or my personal favourite was the time he messaged me after the kids football game saying ‘thanks for wearing the low cut singlet for me today, you know I love that’. I ALWAYS regret it if I cave and respond to defend myself. I regret it even more when I respond to the hoovering. It goes from ‘i love you. Ive changed, i miss you and i refrer what i did to you every second of every day’ to ‘oh well, theres plenty of women who want the amazing life that i have to offer. Your loss. I wasnt actually that bad’. The mood literally changes instantaneously. There is no possible positive outcome from breaking no contact, but most of us are guilty of it! I wish everyone on here all the best with their journey x

  21. Great article. This helped me understand what happened to me earlier this summer. Fortunately I was able to say “no more”, and not buy into the shallowness he was selling me. Your articles and Quanta Healing have helped me survive, Melanie, and helped me heal the very things at my core that needed cleaning up. Heartfelt thanks to you.

    1. Hi Marcia,

      I am so pleased you are doing so well.

      Your orientation is one of true personal power “heal the very things at my core that needed cleaning up”, and that is what does produce the most spectacular results!

      You are so welcome Marcia 🙂

      Mel xo

  22. Great article, as always, really interesting and useful, thanks for all the good work you are doing. I have a continual hoover situation going on as my child goes to his father two days a week, those are the opportunities he uses, I had been lapsing back into wondering why i felt so bad lately and realised it was because he has been pressing buttons, gas lighting, hoovering, denying and I have just not wanted to deal with the reality of yet again. The thing is, I am just so glad I do not live with him anymore and it is much easier to keep him at arms length, going to start back on no contact worksheets, find my best ways to co-parent on my side of things, focus on that and keep moving on. I so wish I never had to speak to him again but with a child, at this point, I don’t have that luxury, determined to make it work regardless and not allow him to steal any more of my life or goodness, this means two things, learning to truly not care what he things, how he is at all, and also never going into denial again about the kind of person he always will be — his denial is so extreme of who he is, that often his version of reality seemed more powerful than mine. Here’s hoping I make it out for good, have only left him once and will not return, yet he still hoovers and gaslights when dealing with custody of my son, I will keep reading your work and look forward to disentangling myself completely, all without him having a clue of what has changed in me or my life!

    1. Hi Jenn,

      that is great that you are being strong.

      However, there is a deeper truth about what “triggers” us, and what keeps “coming up” for us (including via other people).

      It always relates to a previous unhealed part within us that we haven’t up-levelled yet.

      Informational healing is about “managing this”. Transformation healing is about “finding, releasing and transcending” this.

      Then what happens “outside” must and does match the shift “inside”.

      Such is the leap out of just our mind “observing life and trying to deal with it” into a “deeper unconscious production of life and creating it”.

      Mel xo

  23. I guess I should stop being surprised by the profound timing I experience so often with your posts. Thank you once again!

    I have re-connected with the narc because I am still not divorced, and want to get get things final. It has been 4 years of lawyers, until I ran out of money, and he keeps saying he has no objection to the divorce and yet keeps dragging it out. A friend let it slip he is with yet another woman, and so I thought now is a good time to approach him about it, while he is having a feast with the new ‘love’ in his life. Sure enough, his texts back were enthusiastic about proceeding. Sure enough, I felt more pain come up about how glib he is and shallow about our 21 years together, like it is no big deal. It hurts, which I have been taking to the module on injustice and betrayal, working on releasing that pain. His hook has always been, ‘he doesn’t care, and I do’. It is so against the grain to learn how not to care, and yet the deeper picture reflected back to me is why do I care for someone who doesn’t care about me? My deeper wound revealed is, back to my mother giving me up for adoption to a narc mother who also said she did not love me. Truly, when I stand back I have moments of intense pain and anger for the legacy I was given, and then it moves and is moving in to a deeper lightness as I get in my soul, the divine order, and being my own source of love and wholeness. Something about divine order is truly liberating, as it speaks to the divine responsibility I have been given to break these generational chains.

    1. Hi Ruth,

      thank you for your post – because it is a powerful one by example.

      You have tracked through to the “original wound” which was the driving force of “why” this n_abuse has played out for you.

      Keep going with that wound in shifting it, and all that comes up around it (and under it). Usually our “biggest stuff” takes quite a few shifts to truly up-level it – and in doing so (and other wounds) that will be where your evolution, emancipation, joy and freedom lies.

      You are already tasting that – truly.

      Yes, you chose this – absolutely we all did. We didn’t want a “cooshy time” we wanted to DO this.

      And we can be the generation that breaks these insidious unconscious cycles of abuse / abused by choosing to become conscious and stand for the truth within ourselves.

      It is Divine responsibility, and there are no mistakes.

      Mel xo

  24. Dear Melanie,

    Well what a great article. Really well explained and informative. Thank you for giving hope to many and providing relief that they are not crazy (a key mental harm the narc projects because in fact they are the crazy ones). Luckily I know the narc’s character so well now. But I have to put up with garbage and stress due to custody. Ex loves to text garbage that is irrelevant such as : ‘tell so and so that I miss her and am thinking of her’ or ‘my mother is sick with gastro, could you pass it onto so and so’. He does it because he preys on my weakness for compassion. He doesn’t get that his mask has fallen off in from of me and doesn’t work anymore.

  25. Exactly! Spot on! As always. 🙂

    I have enjoyed a solid confident no-contact for 7 months now, although he attempts to hover every few weeks. Be encouraged out there, it is so wonderful and amazing on the other side when the attempts are nothing more than comical. After claiming to never want marriage again (he had been previously) in the two years we were together and discussed how important it was to me, my ex narc now sends cards, emails, texts, and voicemails with offers of a ring, the wedding I want, children, a family, and the perfect life together. He offers to go to counseling and church and to do anything to get me back…although he cannot specify what I was ever hurt by or upset about or speak honestly about how to fix or heal those issues. I know in my very core that we could get married and then the abuse would return and escalate just as Melanie describes. It is a pattern as clear as day.

    If you truly want understanding, relief, truth in your life, and genuine love, do the healings. Work on yourself. Once you detach, your life will be so much more ‘all you ever wanted’ than you will ever find in the miserable throws of life with a narcissist. I promise!

    Good luck to you all and my deepest thank you to Melanie for all your amazing work!

    1. Hi Maggie,

      you have made a very important point here.

      Offering of intervention such as counselling without any conscious recognition or ownership of the behaviour (Personality Disordered) is a sure-fire recipe for abuse by proxy if you did do joint counselling.

      If a person has no ability to have a conscience or be accountable, why on earth would you have counselling to try to force normal human recognition? It’s a hopeless and futile process.

      Maggie you have dodged a bullet – truly – in all ways by ending it and refusing to take him back.

      This is great that you are doing the inner work with the healings and empowering yourself to be clear and solid Maggie!

      Mel xo

  26. How come I still worry that maybe he wasn’t a narcissist. Maybe it was me over reacting and being crazy? Why do so many people love him? Why is he so successful? How has he gotten 3 beautiful women with ph.d.s to fall for him? I continue to want to know that his new relationship is failing, even though I’m in a new relationship with someone I truly like and know is a good person. It’s like I need continual validation that he really is a bad person

    1. Hi Jan,

      the reason is because you have not made this all about “what do I need to heal in order to get well?”

      When our focus is “outwards” assigning someone else as the “source” of our wellbeing and needing to heal our pain – we are powerless.

      That is the reason.

      Mel xo

  27. Hi Melanie,

    I was wondering if you would consider forms of stalking and harassment hoovering?

    I have not spoken or seen my ex for 6 months. However, he still continues to drive by my home (I accidentally ran into him as I was returning from work one day), has attemoted to break into my house several times, let air out of my tires and even stuck gum around my tire cap- so infantile… One time he must have succeed in breaking into my house as certain possessions of mine that I always treasured (and were gifts from others), and that he hated, have mysteriously disappeared.

    I still have remained resolutely no contact. However, I was wondering if you would consider these forms of hoovering?

    My heart sometimes still breaks when I think of him. Although I am in no way EVER tempted to go back. However, your blog article reminded me that I need to be truly, absolutely 100% dedicated to my own healing, to loving myself and up-leveling my own life so that he is literally and energetically no longer a part of it.

    Thanks for your words of wisdom!

    1. Hi Anonymous,

      I really don’t believe the label is that important …

      Harassment / stalking is what it is.

      You are much closer to the truth and solution with what you wrote about re: “feeling heartbroken at times”.

      These are the energetic cords allowing the harassment to continue energetically.

      When you heal and up-level these parts of you then he simply will not be able to continue “being” in your Universe – he will no longer be a “powerless’ match.

      That’s where your focus needs to be.

      You are very welcome 🙂 My suggestion is to use this self-reflection to heal and empower yourself.

      Then you will be free.

      Mel xo

  28. I went to grade school with the narcissist in my life and we reconnected a few decades later, so I was able to have a unique perspective on how narcissists form their behavior patterns very early.

    I was gregarious and he was a wallflower who never talked, interacted or even SMILED at me, even though because we were seated according to our surnames we sat right next to each other. Years later when he e-mailed me, I barely recalled him although I knew his name. But all I remembered was a kid who seemed troubled and excessively subdued, and who was a poor student. Yet when we reconnected years later he painted a different picture of himself (as if I hadn’t been there at all) — he said he was a model student–the reality was that he had to take remedial classes for a whole year–and was “happy” and well adjusted.

    Okaayyy …

    The whole relationship consisted of just such contradictions–over and over and again and again. I never knew what was real and not. However, I never quite thought these contradictions were true lies–it always seemed to me that he really believed the B.S. he was telling me. When he discarded me–after telling me just days before that we’d be together forever and I could “take that to the bank!”–it was a shock which now, more than four years later, I still can’t put together and never will.

    Your articles have helped me enormously to understand that “it’s not me, it’s him” — but still, it’s hard to “feel that in your heart” unless the reasons for falling prey to someone like him are eradicated entirely.

    Thanks so much for your work!

    1. Hi SAS,

      the narc experience has taught us so many things …

      One being “words” are never a truth, actions are.

      The other is that the “truth” we generate in life with others is only ever relative to the essential relationship we have with ourselves.

      Until we heal those parts that are causing us to be disconnected from a truly loving relationship with ourselves we try to hold other people responsible for that “separation gap”.

      Exactly the gap narcissists enter and prey on.

      It’s time for you to heal that gap – and then the pain just won’t be there. The “message” of what happened will be understood and fully integrated in your being.

      Until that happens your mind will try to fruitlessly make up for that.

      Mel xo

  29. Oh, forgot to mention that the NPD lied about his marital status to me. He’s now separated from his current wife (he’s had 3) and she seems very brainwashed by him, mimicking his political views with the “likes” on her Facebook page, writing little blurbs saying how “friendly” he is and how “proud” of him she is, and putting up photos of the two of them together (past photos since they’re not together now), including a Christmas card that featured separate photos of each of them in work clothes! (since they’re separated). I feel sorry for her, but elated that I’m not in her shoes. Everyone has to make their own decision about what kind of relationship they want to spend their life in and I guess she hasn’t figured it out yet.

  30. Six months after the breakup seems to be a magic number for the re-contact (and, of course, if you have started seeing someone).

  31. I am happy to report 2 yrs no contact this coming November, minus the “innocent parading” of a new girl in front of me during first yr of separation. Stay strong and stay away, I feel I have exited the “woods” and am finally happy! One thing I have learned:The cornerstone of all abuse is contradictory behavior”. For sure!!!

  32. Spot-on. Realising this was the greatest revelation for me to truly let go and begin to heal. That he couldn’t change, even if he wanted to and that contact between us was not possible, in any way. He still tries, and I continue to ignore.

  33. Right on the money-again! I’ve been separated 2-1/2 years now. Every Hoover gets easier to ignore. I laughed too at some of the tactics, Happy Birthday to our first born son…. I have no food (but am living in the house you paid for rent free, live on social security because “I’m retired!” So simply can’t do any sort of work to help myself. However , I do need to buy marijuana and cigarettes, not my fault I then can’t afford food.” I have just gone through a big test. He recently found out he has cancer, and has just successfully completed treatment. I still did not cave, all sympathy had been burnt out. So now he was a Narc with cancer, still a Narc. I find myself now in a situation where I feel I need to tread lightly, waiting on him to sign divorce papers. Don’t want him riled up. But can’t tolerate any sort of communication with him either. It’s pointless and irritating to listen to him. “You’re the only one I’ll ever love, I will always love you, tears, etc. quickly followed by I’m entitled to half your retirement money and I want to keep the house, I’ll give it to you in my will, promise”. Can’t wait until it’s over.

  34. I have to add a huge thank you to Melanie, your website, articles and program have opened my eyes. I’m truly moving on and discovering core mistaken beliefs. I have a way to go, but am thankful every day I’m where i am now. I had been in that relationship for over 20plus years. I really didn’t think it was possible for me to have a good life, I was too old. For you others out there in the same boat: not true!!! It’s never too late. Life is good!

  35. Melanie, thanks for addressing this topic since the Ns do tend to return during the process of healing and retard the progress made to date.

    I especially would like to express appreciation for your concluding comments. Although I’m (knock wood) well beyond the stage of being unaware of my ex’s N antics, I did undergo a period of “trying to make it work” and it’s important that victims understand that doesn’t “ruin everything” for their healing, but is a necessary step to be able to respond to the inner inquiries of whether “enough” efforts were made to salvage the relationship.

    I also understand that your intended focus is on the healing aspects of this experience as opposed to the damages incurred, and think that validating sufferers’ experiences somewhat “while you’re at it” is a great idea! echoing the “falling back” of victims occasionally wishing the phone would ring, and pointing out it’s all part of the necessary stages toward healing. THAT is the goal, not spending our lives making sense of someone — anyone — else, so naturally any N worth recalling would resist it.

    Finally, thanks for making the password access to post this message a numerical calculation instead of a series of illegibly sketchy letters. 🙂

    XO from Colorado, where it’s snowing today.

    1. Hi Kathy,

      You are so welcome.

      Yes they do “try” to and it depends where we are at with ourselves as to whether of not we allow it.

      I am glad those comments resonated with you – it is very, very rare for people not to grant more than once chance – in fact it is common to grant multiple. Each time is a wonderful stepping stone opportunity to grow.

      You are so welcome re the password update – I agree – those sketchy numbers are a pain!

      Mel xo

  36. Your article is what I’ve been reading to myself over and over today everytime I felt guilty and wanted to answer the phone. Today is my 1 yr wedding anniversary. In the course of exactly 1 year, I’ve ran and lost 3 apartments, TV’s, all my personal things have been destroyed by him in rages. After the first time he hit me, he got help at an inpatient facility. Being a narc on top of bipolar is next to unbearable. This is my 4th apt. which I am at the point of eviction because he emptied the bank account saying he will give me money to save my apt if I talk to him for 5 min. one email, I’m the most disgusting whore on earth, the next email, can you help me fill out this paper for my dr appt?…then the next email…I’m dying without you..back to I’m a slutty tramp. He’s using my personal downfalls to hurt me with. It’s so hard. I’ve blocked almost 9 different phone numbers now. I can’t go to my family because they all helped me get away from him before and I let him back so they think he’s been gone. I’ve lost everything because of him and he’s so good at manipulating me that I start to feel like I deserve it or I’m just as bad. Most of the time when the cycle gets to the point I feel I can’t take it anymore, I will get in my car and run..run away or sleep in my car just to have a moment of peace. It’s been 5 protective orders now, 4 apts, and I don’t know if I have enough strength in me to keep the “no contact”. I’m trying so hard and your article helped me so much just to get through today. Thank you for that. He says our marriage won’t end unless one of us is dead. He’s in hiding right now so he can’t be served the protective order but I feel so alone. My friends are angry at me…my family will be if they find out…I just want him to go away. I can’t afford to keep my place let alone get a lawyer for divorce. All I’m doing is reading…everytime he calls or texts, or emails…I keep your article up on my screen to help me be strong and not break by giving him his 5 min. Thank you.

    1. Hi Stephanie,

      absolutely you have been to hell and back.

      Regardless of what he says to keep the drama going … please know you will get through this.

      Stay strong Stephanie, and reach out to others. Just come clean and be real with them.

      You need support right now – not isolation.

      Mel xo

  37. Mine knows how to pull my strings. We don’t talk for a couple of weeks, then the flying monkeys arrive (other people who ordinarily don’t speak to me start texting/emailing to see how I’m going), then he starts turning up places he knows I’ll be, then come the emails. It’s all good for a month, and then he is suddenly ‘busy’ again.

    The best hoover I had was almost exactly a year ago. I’d asked him to leave me alone. We didn’t speak for two weeks. His birthday arrived, I felt awful not messaging him but I thought that NC shouldn’t come with exemptions. So I didn’t message him. He texted me to tell me he had a teaspoon of mine. Really. A teaspoon.

    We’re back to not speaking. Maybe this time he will stop. Because every time he comes back I think he missed me and he wants to try and treat me well.

      1. Yes, I can see that now Melanie. I always thought that my supply was liking him and I could never work out why even though I asked for less and less, never complained etc., his treatment got worse, not better.

        After reading this, I actually visualised him as a bullying older sibling holding a younger sibling’s favourite toy over his head (the toy being the attention I so desperately wanted and he happily denied me), and the supply being me jumping up and down in front of him, crying, begging, pleading to get it back. Once I pictured that I felt a huge shift. I actually feel it’s pathetic. It’s one thing to be ‘used’ for an ego boost (I’m not justifying it), but when you realise they feed off your pain, it’s something else entirely. It’s sickening.

        I thank you again for opening my eyes.

        Oh, and of course he’s now messaging me, I just don’t want to talk. I want him to go away 🙁

  38. want to see an example of hoovering? watch ‘its complicated ‘ with meryl streep/ thats my ex! tall good looking charming & VERY persuasive !

      1. Yes, you must watch “It’s Complicated!” It’s the epitome of what many of us are going through (but it’s really funny!). That film is pretty much my life this year.

  39. Wow. What an article. Thank you, Melanie. I’ve been living in a state of struggling to understand for months now. My ex left me for another woman days before our baby was born. This relationship fizzled fast and he came back around once our daughter was born. He was being sickly sweet…until she was a month old. Informed me at that point he once again had a new girlfriend and he would never be talking to me again. Said he had changed, met the woman of his dreams, etc. That was 9 months ago and I haven’t heard from him since. I have contacted him relentlessy asking him for closure, for answers, to relinquish his rights, etc. He ignores every single thing I say, despite there being issues that need to be resolved. After reading this article I’m realizing that maybe he’s using my abandonment issues against me. He refuses to acknowledge me or our daughter. His actions show he wants nothing to do with us, but I can’t understand why he won’t close the door permanently and let us move on if that’s truly the case. It’s been a tough road but reading your words and even others comments encourages me. Your articles have helped me so much in my healing process and I always look forward to them. Thank you so much for doing what you do.

    1. Hi Julie,

      it’s so important to understand that narcissists like to offset their tortured inner self by punishing someone else horrifically …(displacement).

      Which means anyone they have been “close” to who has a “gap” to slam hard, is a target.

      All of his intimate partners will be susceptible – just as you were – to have their largest inner wounds belted.

      Julie, you have read my articles for a while – and that would mean you really know what you should be doing to heal you …

      The inner work …

      Information is only a supplement – it only “manages”. It is not the real transformational inner work.

      Julie NARP is your answer to heal this. If you are still not sure, please come into my next Free Webinar to experience inner healing work directly on your subconscious.

      You and your gorgeous child deserve a wonderful life free of this pain and “hook”.

      Mel xo

  40. It’s funny how so many of your posts seem to come along just when I need them and this is one of them.

    I have been subject to these various strategies by my N over the past year and have fallen into the trap a number of times, ending up feeling like I am falling apart all over again, awake all night with the obsessive circular thoughts around how he should/could change… all of the things you have written about.

    I have finally cut things off for good and have had zero contact for four months now. What a relief! Although I still feel myself slipping some days when I run up against a strong trigger.

    Your writing always, without fail, helps me feel centred and strengthened a clear. I am so deeply grateful to you for your incredible insight and your ability to articulate what feels like an impossibly confounding experience.

    My most heartfelt thanks to you Mel.


  41. Do you mean that even when the narc is emailing non-emotional useless information such as “paid this Bill” it’s an attempt to bait a person? Or when he’s making accusations, same thing? I don’t understand some of the tactics… The narc thinks being cruel will provoke some type of response on my part that makes me beg him to want me? That’s disgusting and I think it’s played out that way in the past as humiliating as it is to admit such.

    What about the things you have to talk about….. At least eventually? For example, we have two young children in common. I told him he needed to give our daughter time, she is too afraid to visit him alone right now due to the abuse she’s witnessed from him. Our other child has a fatal disease and the narc has never been active in his care. In other words, he wouldn’t know where to begin so it would be reckless of me to allow him to visit him for any length of time. Of course the narc uses this truth as a means to accuse me of “keeping the kids” from him. I know hell involve attorneys and courts soon . I don’t know how to not be the voice of my children with him when I am not expecting anything unreasonable. How do I detach from that?

    1. Hi Macy,

      The truth is you don’t know about every “detail”, but most certainly many are.

      Modified contact is very important if No Contact can’t be arranged. Third parties or an application like “My Family Wizard”.

      You are dealing with a huge amount – big hugs.

      Please know don’t rely on him… or expect anything “decent” because you can’t.

      Detaching is necessary, to not be hooked, and to retain your energy and sanity, and then walk the line of creating the best possible outcomes you can for your children – non-reliant on what he is or isn’t doing.

      Mel xo

  42. Hi Melanie,
    I really need some help, I have tried doing the very first part of the narp program to try to start healing and I just can’t even get through it to release anything…. Am I the only one who has trouble? I am so desperate, I have 3 young children to a man and have been involved for 10 years….. I feel like I will never make it, yet need to for not only for myself but my beautiful children.

  43. Dear Heidi, please write in the closed forum on Melanie’s website which is open for NARP purchasers, it is much easier to help you from there. There are hundreds of people who have been in the same space and you and they got help. So please, join the forum and let people assist you.

  44. Hello,

    I have had three narcissists in my life in the last three years. I’m dealing with one who is a roommate. I’m trying very hard to get out of the situation and am looking very hard. It’s like a rollercoaster, walking on eggshells, kind of existence. Things will be going smoothly then BOOM, out of nowhere comes drama. I’m so mentally exhausted from the other two that I’m hanging by a thread. I’m trying to figure out a way to stop the madness until I can get away. I’m not into stroking people’s egos and refuse to do that. I have to get away!!

  45. Hi Mel. I am experiencing such visceral pain working the modules right now. Does that mean I am on the right track?! I guess I am finally getting to the core roots (weeds), and it hurts like hell.I have been reading about co-dependency, bpd, inverted narcissism, and was wondering if everyone married to a narc has bpd, or is it the same as co-dependency? Perhaps they overlap and it is a continuum. I don’t see me as bpd but codependent issues, yes. I guess it also does not really matter, because unhealthy relationships need work, and pathologizing does not really help me. There is some very discouraging info on the web about codependency and recovery. It can feel pretty grim and hopeless. When I read your blogs however, I without fail, come away feeling hopeful and encouraged. Perhaps this is a boundary issue around choosing what I listen to. As one professional put it, you need to exchange absorbing for observing.

    1. Hi Ruth,

      absolutely when we embrace and allow ourselves to feel the pain we should be getting a visceral response in our body – just as we will feel the relief of space opening up in our bodies and cells when we release it.

      Ok, this is the deal re the “diagnosis” of recovery from all sorts of things such as C-PTSD, Co-dependency etc.

      These normal contemporary path results are NOT the case when we are locating trapped painful emotions and beliefs and releasing them directly out of our body.

      They are cognitive diagnoses regarding trying to reprogram behaviour by using contemporary cognitive solutions – rather than direct Inner Identity healing and re-programming.

      Yes absolutely you need to stop researching about “your problem” and instead keep releasing trapped pain our of your body to become “the solution”.

      When we stop fighting for our limitations by re-enforcing them with research and evidence of “why I am sick” and “how badly I am sick” and just keep going inward to claiming our trapping pain and up-levelling it directly out of our body – before we know it we are getting well.

      Stop reading – even my stuff – and dedicate much more time to QFH shifting – that is the real work, that no amount of reading and researching can compensate for.

      Even the best “reading and research” is only ever a supplement to this.

      Mel xo

  46. thank you. I really needed to hear that. It is what I already know to be true. I feel you get it like no one else I know. And I appreciate it greatly. It is changing my life.

  47. This is one of my biggest pain,written in his profile status i’m sigel, alone, have not find the women in my life, telling thing we have done together,gardening, party, watching moving,drinking tea, travelling, holidays telling he does it alone, while i was there all the time.As soon i go to work or sleep. He log on to different netdatingsites. I miss someone to talk to, cause it is so many situation that are sp crazy, i can’t tell my friend.

    “He promised complete transparency by giving me all of his passwords to remotely access his email and social media to show he was no longer contacting other women. But of course he then just opened up more channels of contact and stopped using the ones I had access to.”

  48. Thank you so much for this — it came at a perfect time. I’m in the throes of trying to rebuild my life after 16 years with a narc. His hoovering has been my undoing. He does not want me back, he’s made that clear, but he can’t handle if it seems I’m starting to break free. Just this week I was stuck by accident in his house. He brought my favorite take-out food, made me dessert, and treated me kindly because he wanted company. Now that his current supply is back in town, he’s treating me with disdain. It’s horrific hoe he keeps reeling me in.

    Thank you for all you do. I have never been this pathetic in my life. He is the master of the narc thing, and I finally realized that I must leave the state if I ever want peace in my life.

  49. Hi

    I was dumped a couple of days ago by a man that I am now finding out was narcassistic after being with him for 3 1/2 years. It started off with the disregard fairly quickly by him not respecting my time and feeling like I was on his time clock and the disregard for respect upsetting me. Looking back, it should have been a red flag I recognized because previous to this relationship, I was married to another narc which nearly destroyed my sanity.

    In this recent relationship, the ex started off with the charm, wit, and “sympathetic” nature to my past. He went out of his way for me, was kind and financially generous to me as at the time I was struggling to pay my bills due to unemployment. It was like he was a blessing who dropped out of the sky, a night in shining armour. I was taken instantly. That should have been another red flag number 2. Every time I felt he was not respecting my time in the beginning of the relationship, etc. I would cut him off, would not contact him and he would burn my phone up with the calls & texts and show up at my door with some type of offering like food, etc. He’d come in and start talking to me as if nothing had happened, talk about everything outside of the house NOT related to the subject at hand in an attempt to “work his way back in” to my graces. I would bring up why I was angry and THEN he would acknowledge and apologize but not before trying to make me take the blame for how things turned out.

    Because I was financially in a bind, he began helping me pay my bills, which I guess was his “hook” and soon, after fantastic sex, he pretty much moved in and began paying all my bills. It became him working, which he has an excellent job with great income, and me keeping house, keeping his clothes clean and cooking, which I love as I am a personal chef. I need to mention, my ex is married but have been separated from his wife for years. In the course of his marriage, he admitted to me that on his wedding night he cheated with another woman while his wife was staying with her parents (their families didn’t know they married at first). He was a cheater before he got married and he continued cheating while in the marriage, to the extent of fathering a child outside of the marriage. Even so, his wife took him back but it didn’t last and he again went outside of the marriage to cheat. BUT HE NEVER DIVORCED. Everything I know now is from the ex talking about his past.

    I should have ran to the hills but he told me he wanted to get his life together; he claimed to be a beliver in GOD and I do know his family is in the church. He told me he wanted to divorce his wife and get into the church and get married again so he could live his life the way he should be doing. I believed him like a fool. As is my nature, I put him on a pedestal and did everything I could to make him comfortable and to show him I loved him, and in a lot of ways, he was good to me but we were ALWAYS having problems with the disrespect, the lack of regard for my time and my feelings and his always blaming me when we had a blowout due to him always putting me off. After awhile I confronted him for the breadcrumbs he threw me, everything and everyone came before me and sometimes I hardly saw him because of his work (he is a big rig truck driver who is gone a lot). When I woud try to talk to him about how it was affecting our relationship, I kept getting the brush off and was told I was getting upset “for no good reason”.

    He continued to throw me a bone when these instances happened then go back to the same thing. Case in point: he would leave to go to work and when he felt like it, be gone for 2-3 days, which wasn’t normal. I wouldn’t call him because when this happened, it usually came behind an arguement or a falling out of some sort. He would then show back up like nothing happened and expect me to just let him back into the house. I would pack his stuff and kick him out. He would beg and plead and make promises and after a few days, I would let himm back in. I would tell him that I would not accept this behavior from him because he would not accept it from me. He would promise not to do it again and a few months later, it would happen again.

    Another red flag, of course. But I loved him and he was good to me most of the time. I got to the point when my health started declining; my blood pressure was so bad, everytime I went to the doctor she increased my dosage, my hair started falling out, I couldn’t sleep at night. Some nights I didnt sleep at all cause I was so stressed out over this relationship. He, on the other hand, had no problem sleeping. I felt so frustrated I began sleepin in another room, we began going days without speaking and I had long started feeling like there was someone else. He hardly ever bought his cell phone in the house and when he did, it was off or charging. I asked him if there was someone else, of course he denied it.

    I stayed home all the time except where I had a chef job for a few days to a week at a time and if I wasn’t home by dark and he came home, I was accused of another man. I was always having to justify my actions and defending my self against accusations for no reason. I got tired of it, it was draining me so last year I decided to fly to another state to visit my daughter for Christmas; initially I’d asked him to accompany me when I was making plans some months earlier and he said he would but then he backed out of it so I decided I needed to go to get away. I told him I wasn’t coming back then two days later he bought me a wedding ring/engagement ring set. We had been talking about marriage the whole time we were together, he begged me to marry him in the early stages of the relationship and at first I told him I never wanted to get married again because my ex-husband dragged me down to the dirt. But, looking at the good parts of this relationship convinced me that he might be a good husband if I could only get him to work with me on our issues.

    I know now that the only reason he gave me those rings is because he wanted me to come back not because he really loved me. I should never have accepted them knowing he was still married and fighting with him to get the divorce which he kept putting off despite my going to get the papers myself for him to file, which ended up in a dusty box. But I kept hoping and wishing thinking he must love me because of those good minutes, the bread crumbs he threw me.

    Finally, three weeks ago, after yet again another period of walking around the house without any conversation because of unfounded accusations toward me, he left one night to go to work as was his routine. I was out with a friend before he came home but it was dark when he came home and i wasn’t in the house. He wasn’t happy about that plus I was driving his car because mine have been messed up for over a year. I got what I call a “nastygram” text message from him tellling me “If you want to be with “HIM”, you need to bring my car home and park it and drive your own car”. He knows there is no “him”, so I didn’t respond. I was already on my way home, so when I get there, he is sitting in his truck in the dark, watching me pull into the yard. I didn’t even know he was out there. I’m thinking he would either come up to the car and confront me or follow me into the house and we’d have it out. Instead, he left. He didn’t come home the next day but late that night I get a text that he was still at work, which is common sometimes in his line of work. He never came home that night. He didn’t come home for two days then I was pissed again so I told him to leave. He did and I didn’t hear from him for a whole week, when he showed up and cut my grass & took the trash off. He didn’t communicate with me at all during this time. Later, he texted me asking about the bills. The next day, he shows up and comes into the house; we discuss the bills and he had me write the checks for him to sign. Then he brings a basket into the house to retrieve some work clothes. He leaves; leaves all his other belongings, clothes, and his two cars, one of which I’m driving. We had no conversation about this crisis we are going through and it was the most awkward situation for me. Another week goes by: no phone calls or messages.
    He shows up a few days ago, cuts the grass and a woman drives up. It was the other woman; she demands he leave with her. I’m watching this from my window because I initially was sleep and before I could get outside to confront them, they both leave.

    Now, I’m livid; I want to know who the hell this woman is so I call him. No answer. 20 minutes later, he gets dropped off at my house to gather the rest of his belongings and to take the car I was driving. I find out this woman is the person he was dating before me. He makes it seems like she just came out of nowhere and is persuing him and he can’t understand why. I’m asking him why he won’t work out our relationship, he says he’s not interested. I’m devestated; he makes excuses why this is happening but it is all my fault, my fault I slept in another room but not his fault he ignored our problems. My fault he didn’t pay me any attention but not his fault everyone else always came before the relationship and I was on the back burner. I used to beg him to recognize what was happenening but he used to pretty much swat me away like I was bothering him EXCEPT when HE wanted sex. He’d make excuses why he couldn’t have sex when I wanted it but when he wanted it, he’d get hurt and angry when I turned him down.

    While he was packing and I was demanding answers why he was throwing me away, this woman knocks at my door; I ask him if this is the woman he said was the person who was “stalking him”. He admits that it is and she tells me that she is his girlfriend and they have been “together” for 17 years and that he has been living with her for the past three weeks. It has been nearly three weeks since I put him out of the house and I am just floored! She began telling me about all the things he told her about me; told me that she had an abortion, which he said was years ago and that he got involved with this woman when he was living with his wife!

    All types of stories were told that night and I told her that he had been with me for 3 1/2 years and that he had given me an ring set, which I showed her. It pissed her off and she began attacking him. The thing is, he couldn’t look me in my face, would not answer my questions or defend himself against any of her stories. So, I knew she was telling the truth and that he had been still involved with her the whole time we were together. She even went onto the internet to find out my phone number and where I lived which is stalker material. It tore me up to think he didn’t mean any of the things he said to me and that my whole relationship was a lie. The kicker is that he has left me finacially unable to pay my bills so I am in fear of losing my house and no way to find a regular job because he has taken the dependable car I had been driving, knowing my own car does not work well. After all of this and when he saw me just fall apart, he told me he would pay my rent for this month.

    I felt sick, my blood pressure was up and I was like a zombie, alternating between feeling extremely empty inside to feeling like my emotions were being held over hot coals. I spent the next two days crying, not sleeping and have not eaten since the night this happened. I keep going over the whole relationship in my head, all the red flags just waving at me and all the feelings like I knew something was going on in the background but he tried to make me think I didn’t know what I was talking about. Now, while he was here that night, he couldn’t face me, in fact, while that woman was here, he just sat there looking like a little boy who had been reprimanded by his mother. I’ll never forget that look on his face, but as soon as he left, I started getting text messages then a two hour phone call to talk about shit that had absolutely nothing to do with what happened at first then again him blaming me for his cheating ways. The next day, he came over here and finished cutting the grass, just showed up out of nowhere! I didn’t even open my door; he left then called me and asked me if I needed anything from the store! Like he was picking something up on the way home, like he still cared.

    Ten minutes later, he showed up again and used his key to get in the house (I forgot to retrive in the couse of the drama). I was sitting in the living room when he came in; he put the rent check, some cash and the key to the car he took and brought back for me to use on the coffee table. I was shocked and said that I hope him leaving me that car would not get him into trouble (with the other woman). He told me he wasn’t worried about that. He leaned over, kissed my forehead and quickly kissed me twice on the lips then told me that he would see me toward the end of the week because that car needed the speedometer fixed and someone would be doing it (it is broken). He left. That was night before last and I have not heard from him since. I don’t know how long I will have use of that car and I have been looking for a job because I know he will not be giving me any more bill money. But I can’t believe he would put my health at risk, knowing he doesn’t like to use condoms and me trusting him and thinking I was the only one. Now I have an appointment tomorrow to be tested for any sexually transmitted diseases. I’m angry, I’m scared and devestated and can’t believe this is happening to me; it’s like I’m watching movie with someone else in it instead of me. I can’t believe he has been running back and forth with this other woman for 17 years and I now know he had no intention of ever marrying me.

    Why didn’t he just take everything when he first left three weeks ago? First he shows up to take a few work clothes then he takes everthing, leaving me with nothing. Did he use that move just to see if I would try to work it out when he came to get those work clothes and since I didn’t he hab to devestate me? My friend told me he brought that car back because he wanted to “guard his territory” even though he no longer wants me. I thought it was because even though he doesn’t love me and I doubt he ever did, he feels sorry for me.

    I’m confused because usually narcs display that grandeur attitude but for him, expensive clothes and trinkets meant nothing to him, but he did spend large sums on multiple vehicles that show he has alot of material items and spends large amounts of money on the lottery. I just can’t figure this out and why the acting like he’s concerned about my blood pressure, cutting my grass and calling to ask if I needed anything then just not communicating now for two days? Please help enlighten me. Thank you so much

  50. Mel,
    First, my compliments on a spot-on website/blog about a far too under-discussed problem. It should be required reading for the psychiatric profession.

    Now to my point:
    I broke up and moved out of the home I shared with my ex-Narc of 3 years. It has now been over 2 months and I have maintained STRICT no contact except for a handful of succinct replies to his request for information for lawyers re: house sale, splitting personal goods, etc. All that is behind us now but the hovering continues His choice of hoover subjects clearly demonstrates his knowledge of my weak spots. And he has created no less than four dire medical emergencies (in TWO MONTHS!) in the hopes of getting replies from me (with no success).

    I’m proud of myself for maintaining no contact. From time to time I’ve mentally evaluated what it would be like to go back to him (I’m 800 miles away now) but I am certain I wouldn’t last 24 hours with him knowing what I know now. It is crystal clear that he only wants me back to gain control and that I would be devalued and discarded in short order. I have NO interest in playing that game.

    Why, then, do I still enjoy being hovered? Even though I do not reply, there’s something about getting his emails/texts that makes me feel……….I don’t know……..powerful? Validated? I know on an intellectual level that his hoovers aren’t sincere. I know that he’s probably just craving a hit of narcissistic supply. But getting his hoover texts/emails give me a calmness, a sense of relief knowing that he’s suffering a bit at that moment.

    I know that sounds sadistic, but have you encountered anyone who has expressed the same feeling? As his hovering starts to dwindle, I find myself looking (hoping) for the next one.

    How can I get past this?

    1. Hi CC,

      I am so glad my information resonates with you.

      CC it is very hard to break free until we can find and release the parts of us that are unhealed that are keeping us in the fray.

      What you are going through are the normal “addictive” and incredibly painful aspects of N-abuse, and it is such a confusing and traumatic dynamic.

      CC the NARP Program is the way to detoxify this and get well, I cant recommend it enough.


      Mel xo

      1. Mel,
        Thanks so much for your reply. Counseling I received some years ago helped me identify the “unhealed” parts but I needed to be reminded and you did just that. You see, I was brought up in a generation that believed men validated us and I had forgotten who really was in charge of that validation – ME!. Your reply reminded me of the lesson I spent a lot of money to learn! And after reading your material, I also learned a bit more about the physiological component of the “addictive” element of narcissistic abuse.

        So I did what any good addict should do when trying to kick the habit. I went cold turkey! I blocked his calls and texts from my phone and his emails are now automatically being deleted from my inbox. I no longer have to worry about hearing his ringtone nor that pesky ping that tells me I have a new text. (I was actually cringing each time I heard that – he texts SO much). Although I’m experiencing a bit of withdrawal from all that hovering, it’s getting easier as time passes.

        Thank you so much for reminding me what I already knew. Its funny how even though we have intellectual epiphanies in life, we still have to be reminded of them from time to time.

        Please keep up your good work. As the world becomes more and more enlightened to the dangers of NPD evil, more people, men AND women, will learn and be able to move into happier, more satisfied lives.

  51. I left my Narc of 3 years about 5 weeks ago and have managed no contact throughout, unless about our son. I feel so much stronger this time I’ve not thought about him at all I really think I’ve cracked it this time.

    He left me in January of this year forced me into having a termination got with another poor girl got her pregnant and forced her into having a termination then left her, He came back to me in (April) he gave me all the talk about how being with her made him realise how much he loved me he had changed etc..
    I took him back but regretted it the next day I knew deep down he could never change but of course I carried on hoping he had. I had done so much work into putting myself back together but slowly I turned into the doormat I was before, it took him 1 month to have me back to a frightened little shell.

    I put up with 5 months and finally I decided I was Going to play him at his own game and hopefully he would ‘Discard me’ I ignored him I took the kids out everyday and came home just as he was going to work and if we were both at home I would stay in my bedroom of course he hated this and didn’t know where I was going and more to the point who I was with. Of course he started jumping to conclusions and then blew up into a rage and discarded me, Job done. I was over the moon as he left with his bags I smiled at him and laughed I acted the total opposite to what I usually did when he left which I am sure really annoyed him.

    I think taking him back that last time gave me some kind of closure.
    I am now 5 weeks no contact I am happier and stronger than I have ever been, of course I no he’s going be on the hoover soon but he wont get back in this time.

    My advise is if you feel strong enough turn the tables on him give him what he has given you and he will disappear very quickly then you can start to slowly rebuild your life.

  52. Hi melanie, I have been no contact since july this year he has hoovered me a couple of times but my gut told me to get away and I have. I was married for 8 yrs with 3 children discarded to many times to count. But today is different he is a total monster, so nasty the person I feel he was all along, and now he has also discarded the kids like they are nothing yet another façade. Today I am up and down some days I am fine, some days I have flash backs and feel anger, but a lot of the time I feel frozen, like I am being buried alive even though I am physically away from him it is consuming me, I feel anxious all the time as I know one day down the road he will contact me with his drama some how and the thought of seeing him terrifies me to the point I don’t leave my house. I have thankfully been given a no contact restraining order for 12 months due to physical abuse, and have told him if he wants to see the children it is to be thru a contact centre were I neither see him nor have to speak to him. I just hope he leaves me alone to heal and recover as this is pure hell 🙁

  53. Thank you so much Melanie!

    Your article came in spot on in my mailbox when my narc started to say how sorry he was. He said he was sorry for everything, his words were you know for what I am sorry. Just fill in the blanks I told myself eh? Could never tell me what exactly he was sorry for. i’ll change he said, born again christian, found god, his congregation was pushing him toward reconciliation. He even went as far to ask what could he do, if I wanted for him to go seek therapy and so on. His enabler mother had just moved in back with him and according to him, she told him, No you wont! Still to this day do not believe a word of it but have doubts if that was a real or imagined thing for him.

    He made me go through hell during the last year and a half of out common life. Moved country to be with him, we had a child and toward the end, he wanted to leave for a woman much younger who only wanted to be friends with him but strung him along with the I am not interested in you but i’d like to be your friend routine, knowing full well what it was doing to our family. He can be violent, been at the end of his fists more than once, flies into uncontrollable rages where he broke stuff, gets into compulsive string name callings like he had tourette’s syndrome. Managed to get away with my son thanks to the help of some of his family members, parental agreement of relocation signed. We also signed a communication agreement to assure him that he would be able to speak to his son on a weekly basis but when came the time, it was everyday at anytime he wanted. I know letting go of his son was hard but that it what it came to, he wanted me out of the house desperately and that was the only reason I would leave, no way in hell I would have left our son there.

    He even went as far to drag us into an international child kidnapping charges, had to go to court, couldn’t keep down food, couldn’t sleep, was a wreck. Reckon that someone is watching over us considering of the few cases that are won on the mother’s behalf, we got lucky. He would have had no remorse filing kidnapping charges and had my ass tossed in jail if it would have gone his way, thankfully it did not.

    Months later, there he is, apologizing, saying how he is sorry, how he should have protected my heart of all things! That was right after a divorce procedure asking I pay all fees, asking for his son return and custody, conveniently forgetting to mentioned that a judgement had already been issued about custodial rights. He couldn’t go through with it he said. Almost got hooked line and sinker, he seemed so honest!

    Your article came and it was the biggest slap in the face to reign me back onto the path of recovery, and very thankful for that.

    Thank you

    One month later after I told him, no thanks and he went back into full narc mode, he has a GF, go figure.

  54. Thank you Melanie!

    I’ve now completely healed from my narc experience last year. Your radio shows, along with Louis Hay’s, played a huge part and I am so grateful. Thank you 🙂

    This article took me back to my own situation and I thought I’d share. I was involved with a highly narcissistic woman for 9 months. The first 3 months were bliss. She was charming and I was my usual nurturing self. After the honeymoon was over, she stopped being charming and I kept being nurturing. By the time she discarded me I was a pathetic shell of my former self. It’s difficult to admit, but I spent that first month alone with a PTSD therapist just learning to breath again.

    4 months later I had heard nothing from her, and I hadn’t initiated contact (knowing full well she would destroy my emotions). At that point I felt strong enough to reinstate my dating profile and start meeting new people. Then she found my profile…

    That day I got a huge number of incoherent and brutally abusive messages from her. I’m sure she was very drunk (at noon). She also tried phoning me at work. Luckily my coworkers were supportive so we ignored it and blocked her number. Her last message said she had posted my dating profile on facebook so it could “go viral” and everyone could see how much of a “loser” I was. I took screenshots of her messages and figured out how to block her on that site. I had already blocked her on facebook after the breakup.

    I was literally shaking. Afraid to go home after work for fear she would be waiting for me, in a rage because I had set up a dating profile that was “full of lies”. Luckily she wasn’t there, and considering her threats to my privacy I decided to report it to the police. I showed them the screenshots. They were helpful but told me there wasn’t much they could do except warn her not to contact me again.

    They talked to her and of course she had “counter accusations”. The police didn’t say what the accusations were, but assured me I wouldn’t hear from her again. Since then I haven’t heard anything. My healing accelerated beyond my expectations. I’m free!

    Just thought I’d share in case others are still terrified of their narcs. The police were very helpful and non-judgmental. Although there was no crime, they still helped me feel safe and eliminated the fear of “what’s she going to do next”. They said that most of the time calling the police makes the harasser disappear. Only in rare cases does the situation get worse. Abusers are cowards and typically terrified of police.

    Nasty experience. I later closed my online dating profile and have had much better luck with traditional dating 🙂

  55. Melanie, Is it only narcissists that hoover? Could a healthy person ever do this, thinking its a gentle way to restart communication so they can minimise rejection?

    My ex , who I believe is a narcissist, is hoovering by sending texts messages…I miss you, thinking of you,,,, etc I am ignoring them all as I think it is a very lazy way of communicating.

    I do wonder why he doesnt just pick up the phone and call me. Why wouldnt he telephone if he really wanted to hoover me back in ?

  56. Melanie!

    Oh gosh…I have been NC for two months with my ex-Narc. We were together for 2 years. It is all true, everything you are teaching us. I have NEVER felt closer to another human than I did him, but it was in the strangest way. Normal conversations with him were rare. I felt like he was only in the conversation 1/2 and his mind was somewhere else. Always distracted. It was always his way until I would finally start to disagree and then, “Yes, darling, whatever you want.” I became exhausted listening to broken promises. He would never ask about my life or health. It was almost like babysitting sometimes and we are both in our mid=40s. He told me I was the biggest love of his life. Once I felt he was truly connected with me and he asked, “Why do you love me?” Then it progressed to him not wanting to hear me tell him I loved him. Like it made him uncomfortable. We did not live together, thank goodness. I began waking up at 3:00 am in a panic, sweating and my heart racing. In my ear a voice kept telling me to leave him and I did just that. The same night I broke up with him I slept peacefully. He is a soul sucker but he has fooled everyone to think he is the best guy in the world. He sent me a text wishing me a happy birthday, but he sent it three days prior to my birthday which is weird. I only replied thank you. Politeness and indifference are my defenses for myself.
    My question is this…I miss his mother (I think she is his reason for being a N) and want to tell her best wishes and goodbye. She is 72 yoa. Should I call her or send a letter? I feel bad walking away because she was always sweet to me and treated my like a daughter.

    Thanks for all the great advice!

  57. I just broke up with an N who I dated for a year. He is definitely in the hoovering stage and I am looking for advice on how to go completely NC.

    He is a textbook N (or potentially worse) from everything I’ve researched online:
    –Inflated sense of self
    –No friends
    –Volatile relationships with family
    –Lack of true intimacy with me…something felt “off”
    –Very into his looks
    –Angers easily
    –Lazy but makes it sound like he’s working really hard
    –Violent tendencies from what I can tell from past relationships
    –No healthy past relationships–relationships all were volatile
    –No real work history
    –Terrible credit but doesn’t care because he’s wealthy (family money)

    I broke up with him over a secretive, shady business deal that he did. He then went silent for 2 weeks and I started to recover. He re-emerged with a somewhat threatening, very weird text message. I ignored it. About a week later, he came back saying all the right things and got me to talk to him on the phone. He promised me the world and was very apologetic. He sent me a gift the next day, but I started to feel sick inside and knew that being NC was better for me. I then went silent again. The next day, he sent me a constant stream of texts and phone calls that started sweet but quickly escalated into how I was treating him worse than anyone ever had. By the next day, he was extremely emotional and I finally texted back to tell him that he should get help. He eventually settled down and went away. He came back the next day with a sweet message.

    It’s entertaining in some ways to see all the things he’s trying. But, I have felt scared. I would like to block him fully from my phone, but I have a fear he will escalate things. Do N’s get more violent? Any tips for how to go NC? I really haven’t clearly said “Stop texting me” yet and I know that’s due to fear and to me being “too nice”.

    I have no desire to ever get back together with him and I have been very strong along those lines. I think he should also start to realize he’s gone too far with me. He had already reacted with me that I was “hard for him to date” because I am smart.


    1. M – I know your situation all too well. This sounds exactly like my guy – i mean exactly. It is a very scary feeling right before going no contact and you may have to build yourself up to it. For me it was a matter of building a network of safe people around me and going to therapy. I broke up with him but didn’t go no contact until 3 months later. The process was gradual; I put more and more distance in between us in simple ways, like just not being as responsive in conversations. Once he noticed this he started getting defensive and since the topic came up, that’s when I simply told him. “I don’t want to do this anymore. Count me out.” and that was it. I blocked him on my phone after that (if you have ios 7 on iphone it is very easy to do this thankfully). I also blocked him on email and linkedin.

      I was scared of lengths he would go to (aka violence like you are afraid of), but this never happened. in my experience, narcissists are pretty lazy and helpless once they lose control. Narcissists don’t want to be exposed, so they generally do not resort to violence or public displays of humiliation. anything he does will be covert. And honestly he probably will move on to a new source of supply before doing anything drastic with you.

      You can’t feel guilty about it, and as much as you want to see what he says and believe what he says, it’s better if you don’t. With a normal person, you could be nice and it would be okay. I really don’t think there’s any “right” way to break off from an N, just the way that keeps you safe from the emotional turmoil of having him around.

      And as far as staying no contact, as soon as I stopped contact I started working out like crazy!!!! and surrounding myself with good people. moments of weakness happen, but you have to remember YOU are in control of your life, your choices, your words, and who you share all of those with. Best of luck.

  58. Thank you for this website, Melanie.

    Has anyone ever had their BPD try to hoover them after nearly a decade since a divorce? We had no children and I have not heard or seen her ever since until recently when she contacted me by email. I know that hoover seem to occur immediately subsequent to a break up but I never heard of it where someone would attempt to contact many years later.

    I have long since moved on and I’ve been healed and have no feelings whatsoever for this person. I do not plan to respond back to this person.

    1. I don’t think you can truly rid yourself. It’s very strange considering how they disappear for years, then seem to want to resume the relationship saying they ” I don’t really understand what happened”.
      They are very defensive and hostile if you remind them about their behaviour and cheating.
      You end up defending yourself for not putting up with nonsense.

      The best way is to mirror or ignore. Make up rubbish, join in with them.
      Mine is off at the moment I used a template letter which outlined politely I’m not being a secret I’m worth more etc. I’m also moving 400 miles away after I’ve been on my holiday. Oh my mother has had a stroke ….none is true……just can’t deal with such a creepy man….I’m frightened I him ….

  59. I am trying to find out if my ex husband is an narcissist. We were married for 7 years.I though our marriage was good.Last year I experience weird situation that I did not understand and more or less ignored them.My husband started blaming me for everything is his life went wrong. He got fired and see: I was fault for giving him bad advices. I caught him many times on lies, promises he would not hold. Got a weird email from his ex telling me he called her 3 years ago and told her he will divorce me.Of course he said she is crazy and he never did it. I believed. I was soo loyal. He changed his story like 3 times. He said we are perfect and she wants to detry us. This year was bad.He started criticizing me more often, making mean comments, liying and distorting everything I said.He also started giving me silent treatments.He was inEurope working and he crated an fight and after that he did not pick up his phone for days.later gave me weird explanation making himself a victim. even once the same story( he forgot obviously) he once said about his ex. It continouse the make himself a victim- at work, in family, with his ex, everyone was fault and I believed all the stories. he got so angry at me because for the first time in 7 years I checked our account and found out he was hiding stupid students loans. he told me he never had one because he was so gifted and got money to study. This all happened over the distance me being in Cali , him inEurope. Then he came back and we went on vacation in Europe together. Surprisly he had to change his plans and going sooner for the new job. blamed the boss for not telling him the right date. After 2 weeks there he got more and more upset,mean to me over the phone. Well then we had a small argument and boom: I got a voice message, very mean one, very hostile and he ended our marriage blaming me for doing the “unspeakable” Remember I was on vacation with my(our daughter) . I try to call him: he changed his phone number, cut all my creditcards and told me he needs to heal from all this verbal and emotional abuse I gave him. I was like paralized. then emailing started: sooo hostile, soo mean , so full of hate that I did not believe it was my charming, soft , calm husband. he complained I was fighting all the time( we never fought), abused him, he used all my weknesses, all my deepest secrets I shared with him against me. He used my past against me. He used his son saying to everyone I was horrible to him, that he had to end this terrible marriage for sake of his son. I saw his son twice a year and was nice to him.He gave me fault that he did not have him last years and I did not make any moves to take him with us. He made up stories about him having problems and that he had to save him. he brought up situations that he distorted and made me look bad. He said we talked about it and I would not listen.He accused me of weird stuff,of liying, of cheating, of being dishonest ect.I was overwhelmed. I was sick, started to justify everything, begging him, even gave him right..Well, every email came from him was more hostile, more mean. I did not want to talk to my daughter at all. she was so attached to him and sooo hurt. We suppose to come home and he dumped us in my parents house with 2 suitcases abroad. Well, 1 month pasted by and he was always kind of giving me hopes and then saying he wants divorce. we wrote back and forth and giving me hope in every email if I do this or answer this or that about my sexual life before he would reconsider. and I did 🙁 but then he will not react at all to my answer. he also would not assume any financial responsibilities, he blamed my behaviour for all problems and why I am in my situation now. After one month I decided to go to USA. Had no money, my belongings… my daughter devastated since she was raised in USA and did not want to stay in Europe. I surprised him at his office.He went mad, angry.At night he sent me messages very cruel one, very humiliated, rubbing me he has already 3 woman, treated me with a gun,laughing about my age(iam 38), calling me Number 2 instead by name, ex was number 1 and he has number 3 bitch already… next day I went there to give him divorce papers and he broke down telling me everything should not happen this way. we talked, he cried and kissed me and told me to go home. I was so happy. I asked him to assure me he mean it since I am bringing my daughter home too.he said yes.We went home happy, touching each other , kisssing.We were intime right the way this night and he put his ring back on his finger before this. we put all creditcards back to me, insurances ect, register my daughter to school and then boom again…5 days later his anger came back, he wanted us to be out right the way. no feelings, no compassion, no empaty at all for this situation, even for my daughter…. 🙁 he threatend me with calling police that I am crazy, abusing his son, making up stuff… I stayed since no where to go.He abused me verbally, humiliated me every second of the whole week, I cried and cried and he behaved like nothing happened. He ignored my daughter too.I was nice to his son.After one week, he wanted sex again and I run away.I rented a room and left with my daughter. He went every morning with me for coffee, I would cry, he would act like nothing happened and ignored my tears.I went back to europe to recover and found out I am pregnant.( we lost6 babies before) We did a finacial agreement before I left and he promised me a lot. He have me his laptop, phones. wanted to give me everything for leaving “his” city. Later he accused me of stealing his laptop, his phones… he also assured me there is no women involved , he just want peace.. My gosh as I told him I am pregnant the terror started. Harrassment, blackmailing, meanness, hate, then again making like we are friends, blaming me for ruin everyones life, blaming me for forcing him into that sex we had, sending me pics of him crying…I did not reacted. We saw eachother 2 times and he humilited me again. Discarded me like I was nothing worth. He distored again every word. I found out he signed up on dating website way before he cut me off.He cheated and blamed me for it. The week I was at home I found later on my phone messages to other people, family who he had not have contact past 7!years, talking so badly about me, laughing about me, blaming me again for the same things,talking about the women he met that she was different, 2 of them, also kind if talking not in a good way…but better as I am. I am still mad about that. He even lied about the night..he said to every one I had too much wine and wanted be intime with him but his…… would not get up and was laughing about that. I am still in shock. I confronted him and boom….he does not want to have any contact. calls me crazy, telling me I harass him..we still need to go thru divorce next year in january. he even blamed me for being there and him having problems with his new woman. 2 of them . I am still shaky. I cannot believe all this. I cannot understand it and was searching for answers. I read a lot but I am still in deny that he is a narcissist. I was at home last 7 years. cooking 4 course dinners, talking care of everything, having a daughter with asperger…he says now I was lazy to work. he never wanted me to work .He asked me when he was abroad and I was packing for the big move to look for work and I said no. We were about to move first to europe, the month later he changed his mind and told me we going to move to florida. I refused to look for work for only 2 months. he was mad and told everyone I would refuse to work at all. I fould also out he opend creditcards only on my name telling me I am only authorized user . Now I have like $5000 on debt on my name. his washed his hand off.
    So, I know it is a long post and I hope maybe one person will read it and tell me if he is narcissist or not. I feel soooo stupid to let all this happen. to let him treat me this way. We have no contact but there are things i need back and he acts like i am crazy to contact him. I feel really like I am the crazy one to want something. Divorce will be with lawyers. i have to mention he is a professor and iam just medical assistant. I feel also sooo dumb.he is dating now other women with a lot more education as i have. he always adored me, made me feel good in the beginning, i was his rock in his life he said. he said none ever would understand him better as I do and now…. I am the blame for everything. This is also his first job with a high salary after being fired twiced and having trouble for last 7 years. I supported him , moved 5 times in 6 years and he dumbed me now leaving me without a penny on the account… enjoying his money and new life….
    I would appreciate any comments, thanks

    I moved out my naropath’s place 8 months ago now and broke off all contact 5 months ago. I had him blocked on ALL channels, and I didn’t know when he texted or called. It was freeing, but that was a hard step to make because of my curiosity and that dreadful part of me that “wants” to be hoovered. This week in a moment of weakness I unblocked him on my phone, not really expecting anything to happen. 30 minutes later I get a string of text messages, picture messages, and a phone call. I couldn’t believe it. 5 months after not responding to a single thing and he is still texting? I should have blocked him again but I didn’t. He texted me almost every day with texts like we were friends. CRAZY. Then he told me he sent me an email, but I didn’t get it. and I REALLY wanted to know what it said 🙁 so i texted back saying that I didn’t know who was getting the emails he was sending, but it wasn’t me. He resent it. The email is INSANE and it hits on everything mentioned in this article. In the same breath as when he is praising me, he is shaming me. he tells me about how he wanted to propose. He swears on his dog’s life (the closest thing he has to a child). he makes up lies to cover up his lies. Anyway, I am expecting a phone call from him and I want to tell him off. But honestly, I’m scared. I don’t trust myself and I know he has no boundaries on how far he will go to control me. But part of me is just so thirsty for truth. I KNOW it can’t come from him, but everything he ever told me was a lie, and I still wonder all the time what the real story of him and his life is. anyway, I am VERY VERY grateful for you and everyone else in the online community. You all are the reason I was able to identify my situation and know how to GET OUT and go no contact. If anyone is reading this, THANK YOU. any and all prayers are appreciated. much love.

  61. I have been in a relationship with a man for almost 5 years now, I am 44. It started out amazing.. physical and INTENSE! He would buy me stuff and wine and dine me on the weekends like I have never known. The first red flag was when he emabarrassed the hell out of me at a restaraunt when his food wasnt what he thought it should be.. he immediatley accused the waitress of lying about it and then got mad at me for telling him he could be wrong. That was a HUGE mistake. He ended up leaving the the waitress a $60 tip and walked out just to make a point. He ended up taking me home and going home himself (he was supposed to stay with me) Then a few months later his ex wife came back into the scene (she had left him 8 months earlier) she came back pregnant from the man she left him for. He brought her back into his home to take care of her and lied to me about it.. even schooled his children to lie to me as well. That was hard for me to deal with. I became very suspicious from that point on especially when I would ask him if she was living there he would flat out lie.. or would say I have to lie to you because of how you will react. I started to panic and check behind him all the time that he got very irriated with me and would call me a stalker or pycho or whatever. Would purposely ignore my texts or calls.. would try and break up with me every other month or so. I would beg and plead for him to not leave me and he always came back and I felt important when he did. He never EVER criticized the way I looked.. matter of fact he DEVOURED me.. he was intoxicating to say the least. I was HOOKED and hooked BAD! Fast forward… ex left again and would come back on and off and stay at his house for weeks. I let it go on because I believed him. I had no reason not to. We got engaged and I moved in with him.. his ex wife was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer and he became WORSE.. nothing i did was right.. the verbal and emotional abuse was awful! He then was diagnosed with prostate cancer at 49. Things went downhill from there. He was an absolute awful person to live with.. I was miserable and I had to get my daughter out of there. His kids and him would all sit around and talk about us.. laugh about stuff. it was terrible! He had his son video taple me one time doing something that I could lose my job for and he threatened me said if I dont give ring back or if I talk bad about him at work he would use it. He at one point told me if I needed emotional to go some place else for it.. so I did. I had communications with other men but I can honestly say I never built a bond with anyone nor did I date. He has severly verbally abused me for almost 2 years now.. calls me a cheater.. loose.. a taker (because he gives expensive gifts and apparantly the ones I give arent good enough) Tells me I am ungrateful.. lazy.. UGH! But yet I get pulled in everytime he texts and says he still loves me. I feel sorry for him sometimes and feel like I need to save him from himself or I can love him through it.. he has made me feel so guilty for my reactions to the abuse.. he says I am an attention whore and immature and that I am using abuse to build myself up.

  62. What I just posted doesnt even touch the tip of all the pyschological abuse he has done too.. he would bait in certain ways.. to see how I would respond and If I didnt the way he thought I would be punished by not talking to me for hours or days.. would go off on me like crazy! Talk about being left dazed and confused all the time. I could never challenge him either.. If I did I was not letting a man be a man so he says. But yet I am still in love (or not love but the idea) I dont know how to go no contact.. it is making me physically sick.. cant eat.. hair is falling out.. just awful!

    1. Angela

      All I can say about this is be strong.
      He is projecting big time, everything he is accusing you of is a flaw in him he cannot reconcile with. My ex is the same way, and he is paranoid too. He took to reddit to bitch and moan on how his ex is this and that, even accuse me of subscribing him to spam and flagging his ads on craigslist no less! Those people are a shell, a wish they were someone else, cannot face facts, nothing is their fault, cannot and will not account for their own actions. i’ve given up on the latter, it will never happen, so better just ditch the emotionally sucking vampire and sail for less stormy and calmer waters. Just cannot elaborate the spiral of lunacy that came after I left with our son. He agreed to relocation yet accused me later on of kidnapping which ended in superior court because I would not let him talk to his son everyday, several times a day which I found abusive considering the situation that we had to leave so he could have a happier life with some 19 years old he tried to court for a year and a half our our married life. Recon she turned him down hard because he went the high and mighty road of lying his way through something he agreed to and found myself in front of a judge for allegation of international child kidnapping. UHG! Ditch the looser and do yourself a favor, not to focus on the narcissist but on yourself. Read the celestine prophecy at the time that it was needed the most, helped clear my head in a BIG WAY. Either you keep entertaining him into his own personal drama, recognize it for what it is and walk away or be sucked back in because without realizing it, were conditioned to do so since childhood. Reading books about narcissists is one thing, breaking free of established or without our knowledge, already being programmed into us as our upbringing. It is hard but it does take a deep soul searching to come to grasp with what we have gone through and why it happened.

  63. This is a fantastic article Melanie. I am recovering from 14 years of narcissistic abuse. I have been out for quite some time but felt so brainwashed and had such a large misplaced loyalty to my N for such a long time I felt chained and truly like my being wS owned. This article really touched me and shed even more light on the exact reasons I attracted this person. My subconscious was triggered deeply when I read about each core wound that you mentioned. The situations in my childhood were exactly as you described. Just fantastic I felt another level of ptsd anxiety slip away. Thank you I am truly grateful, life is improving for me finally after no contact and education when feeling the guilt and childhood triggers calling. I hope you have a great new year xo

  64. Melanie, I am sure you hear this a lot but you are a God send! Truly, you have no idea what your work means to people like me. Thank you for this forum and giving girls (and guys) like me a wonderful avenue for understanding, healing and growth.

    I just realised that I have been hoovered by proxy. A “mutual friend” contacted me and because we were friends before me and the ex Narc met, I did not consider her a threat. Wrong move! The message was a seemingly harmless happy new year message sent out of the blue that I responded to quite positively. It was off to me especially given the fact that we only ever really spoke at social gatherings and I didnt have her number, wonder how she got mine.

    Immediately when I engaged in chit chat with her my body just reacted. My spirit/intuition just would not let me rest. Call me crazy but I even dreamt of a dark shadowy monster coming towards me that night. I wanted to look mature and not like some crazy paranoid kook who thinks everyone is a threat or out to get her. But today after obsessing about it I just thought, eff it, as a measure of self preservation I just blocked her. If she really was a friend she would have been one during the relationship as she had plenty of opportunity and I would rather be friends with a goldfish than anyone who causes me any kind of anxiety or triggers me. I get the feeling that because I had blocked and deleted him from everything that he was setting her up to use her as an avenue to keep tabs on me at best or gain a foothold back into my life at worst. Not on my watch!

    It’s also as if these Narcs have spidey senses where they pick up that you are making progress and then they swoop in to mess with you.

    I don’t know much but my advice to all and sundry in this terrible situation is remain steadfast, hold onto No Contact for dear life because it is your only life line out of this sea of terror, and most of all trust yourself and your spirit, it will never ever lead you astray.

    Love and Light.

    1. Viv,
      I am in total agreement that complete abstinence of contact with “N” is the only way to go ( despite her continued attempts to contact me). As for me, I have a spurious OFP against me, so in hind site it’s a blessing that I legally cannot speak w/her & be manipulated by her cruel behaviors any longer- For me staying away gives me the much needed time to heal & here’s the thing, NOTICE the difference of how life is w/o her being in it. This site is a god send, for the longest time I really felt alone, obviously I am not.

  65. Melanie,
    This information is heavy to carry in my heart and soul. The love of my life has traits of narcissism. We began in the most perfect love ever, he completely had my heart and soul…my future. We planned to have our daughter. As I became pregnant, his behavior and life choices became unpredictable. More substance abuse, less working, devaluation of me, emotional abuse and rejection. Three years later, after issues escalated to physical assault, threats, lies, and harassing over minor issues…I had to leave him. No contact orders in place, guilty verdict…yet he tells his family I lied about it all. I loved him so much, I miss the charming moments, the man he was at times. Yet I am confused and scared at the same exact time. It broke my soul. He has no remorse. I would have tried until my death had he had remorse and sought help. This site reminds me I should give up hope for maybe someday he will change and love me like he used to. I need more therapy to get over him. I was so happy when things were going good, they were the best memories of my life aside my children’s birth. Good luck to all on healing.

  66. Thank you for this information. I am in the middle of a break up with a guy who I have recently realized meets a lot of the criteria for NPD.

    After extensive reading, it was easy to see that he will always blame me for everything. He always needs to be right, and when I have challenged him about these things, he has told me that “we don’t nit pick the ones we love” and “this is who I am, you should love me for who I am instead of trying to change me.” The walking on egg shells has finally gotten to be too much.

    No contact has always been the best policy with any ex, and should be doubly the case with this one, but here’s the problem: we work together. Not in an office setting, and not just under the same company- we are landscapers who will be spending the next 3 months in a shop together, often assigned to work directly with one another and no one else. No contact is literally impossible.

    I hope he is a mature enough individual who cares about his job enough to behave professionally, but that doesn’t change the fact that we will be in verbal contact every single day.

    How do I handle this? Obviously we will need to be at least civil, if not friendly, but I’m afraid it will be hard to establish rigid boundaries with him constantly hoovering and trying to make me feel bad about the break up.

  67. Hi Melanie
    I have been doing some online research this evening and happened to come across this website and read a bit through the comments and your replies and signed up for your webinar on the 2nd February and listened to your webinar about “the 4 things “. And I am impressed. This is a very good website with valuable quality information.
    I am a Philosopher,Singer,Writer and Educator and I had a severe psychopath and narcissist as my mother who was also a professional prostitute and a psychologically deranged stepfather who may have been a narcissist as well, I don’t know.
    I did not know that my mother was a psychopath until I was 55 years old and that I experienced a childhood full of traumas and abuse,- so tightly knit was the web of lies that my mother and her family built around me. I was the scapegoat and told that I was responsible for my mother’s unhappy life. I have now decided to get all the childhood issues healed and am in a process of restoration. My whole life has obviously been messed up.
    I did my research this evening because I met an initially very nice young man (25) and involved him in the work that I do for young people. He told me that he has schizoaffective disorder and that he was abused and bullied as a child and I had compassion. It was a business relationship. I wanted to help. However, I noticed that he was unwilling to make any financial contributions, he promised “to pay later”. Suddenly he made devaluing remarks.Then he became seductive and told me that he loved me. I have to add that he is gay. We never touched and we never had sex and the whole thing was confusing.
    What happened in my case was, that I documented the whole abusive and unhappy relationship in several songs. This happened intuitively and was spot on. Consciously however, I tried to find excuses for his behaviour and tried to help him. If you visit my YouTube Channel at http://www.youtube.com/user/renataleuffenchannel (Renata Leuffen Corporation) and look for the videos “You Lost me Today”, “I Don’t Love You”, “I Will Not See You Again”, “I Have A Problem With Gay Now”, “You Cannot Love:Galactic Lava Orgasm”, “I Will never Take You Back”, “You Just Dumped Me” , you can see how I processed this toxic relationship musically. My intuition knew that the relationship was wrong but my consciousness was making excuses and deceived itself.
    The young psychopath terminated our relationship via Facebook. I was totally confused and did not understand what was going on. I sought outside help and happened to meet a woman who has strong psychic capabilities and helped me a lot.
    I got detached, although still thinking about the relationship and as absurd as it is, mainly feeling compassion for the young man and blaming his childhood for his character. Then the young psychopath reappeared and put a note through my letterbox and asked me to take him back and to heal together. I told him that I was open to talk and he came to my house and we had dinner and I told him that I could not promise anything. We then met three times. The first time he was nice and I felt somehow a bit good about it. The second time I felt unhappy. The third time he wanted to spend time in a chapel and I went on to do my own things. When I looked later for him, he was nowhere to be found. He managed to get home by himself. And, I did not hear anything from him. He was probably upset that he had to make the return journey of about 30 miles all by himself and without my car.
    Yesterday I spent a day at the seaside and I felt very happy that I am free. The young man and I used to go to the same health club. I still go there, he stopped going when he dumped me. Now he reappeared in December. We do not talk. I know that he watches me. He is stalking me, in the healthclub. It is ridiculous.
    My consciousness would be inclined to be compassionate and to talk to him and maybe invite him to a meal. But, my intuition knows that I would destroy my life by getting involved with him again.
    He cannot love. He cannot feel compassion and empathy. He sucked energy, money and career advantages out of me and brought chaos and unhappiness into my peaceful and happy life.
    My resolution is to abide by no contact. When I see him in the healthclub, I do not want to talk with him, actually I must be vigilant not to talk to him.
    It is interesting that I had 4 dreams about him: In the first dream I kissed him but he had no tongue. In the second dream I saw his feet clothed in pitch black socks. And I was looking and found my black socks. In the third dream it was as if someone was telling me that he had come in via using my son as the entry point. My son died when he was 27 of Sudden Death Syndrome. Obviously, the young man being 25, it was natural that I expressed some motherly feelings towards him.
    What I want to say is: you website has been the most helpful website about psychopaths that I have come across and I love what you do and will recommend you whenever I can. You look good on the video I saw and what you say is important and significant and knowledge that needs to be spread around the world. You have a very important mission and calling and what you do is absolutely necessary and needs to be acknowledged and supported. You have the boldness to talk intelligently and convincingly about a topic that affects millions of people and you talk about a psychological and subconscious condition that destroys millions of people and will continue to destroy lives until the message that you communicate becomes common knowledge. I want to thank you for standing up for young and adult women and men who are in a relationship with a psychopath who may be their parent or marital partner and who suffer and don’t know what’s going on.. I want to thank you very much for the essential program that you developed and that is helping people whose lives and self identitiy, self worth and destinies have been destroyed by a psychopath or narcissist, to rebuild their lives. Thank you so much for the healing that you are bringing to this world! I am sure that your beautiful community will grow and grow! I can strongly recommend you and advise people to do your course and heal.

  68. Melanie,

    Thank you so much for all your helpful articles. They have been a godsend to me since I went full NC with my narc 44 days ago, getting me through the dark times as well as helping me focus when my mind starts spinning and the negative thoughts get overwhelming.
    I was dreading Valentines day in particular this year, as it was the last night that me and my ex spent together this time last year. Around 4 days before it, I noticed that my ex had changed his fb relationship status and had apparently announced his new gf to the world, I didn’t feel that the timing was by accident somehow. In retrospect – it turns out this new relationship ‘status’ is apparently only visible to me (and perhaps a select few other members of his harem?), and not his friends! Melanie, do you agree that this is a highly narcissistic maneouvre (manipulative/vengeful)? I know I should not be looking at his fb page, and of course I didn’t take the bait, but in a weird way I felt a small amount of gratification to know that even though he may have a new ‘love’, things are not always what they seem at first glance and he was probably hoping for me to see it and come begging, which of course I did not….

  69. Wow! I have been trying to get out a toxic destructive relationship for 3 years! And not until now have I realized he is a narc! I’m floored!

  70. Thank you for the article, Melanie. The toxic narcissist I most need to be free of is my father. His birthday is coming up, and I don’t know whether or not to send him a birthday card. At Christmas, I finally (in my 50s) told him off for his controlling, manipulative behaviour. I’d never been allowed to be angry, or go against his wishes growing up, and was terrified of him. It wasn’t that I was physically abused, but the mind-f***ing, that has made me pretty nuts. I’ve read quite a few books on narcissism, and growing up with self-absorbed parents, etc, so I’ve been working on my own narcissistic tendencies (like attracts like, as well as opposites attract). As a child of two different types of self-absorbed parents, I guess it’s inevitable that I’ve taken on some of those tendencies too…

    Anyway, I’d already cut back on contact with him, when he started trying to suck me back into his toxic little mind-games. That was when I told him off, and I haven’t heard from him since. Which I guess proves I was doing the right thing, as some of the things I mentioned definitely would have garnered a sincere apology from an emotionally healthy parent. But, no, not him. I don’t know if you have Teflon in the US, but here it’s a brand of non-stick cookware. I call my father Teflon, because everything just seems to slide off him, as he projects it onto everyone else (especially me). I don’t want to be his scapegoat any longer, but the guilt is awful – thus getting back to my initial point… I really need help, or an outside opinion (I feel too close to trust my intuition on this one) – do I send him a birthday card now, or a father’s day card, etc – or just try and extract myself, and extract HIM from my tender heart and mind?

    Bit of a long one, and I feel terribly drained today, so I hope I’m not rambling… Any advice at this point would be gratefully received. Thank you.

    1. I just saw on the download about narcissists that you’re Australian, so I apologise for the US comment I made above about the Teflon… Very tired today, my brain isn’t functioning properly (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS)).

      An interesting observation I made in a CFS/ME support group on Facebook was how many people with it are codependent, or highly sensitive, and have toxic narcissists in their lives (especially parents). They seem to drain the life force right out of you!

  71. Hi all. Have been married for 7.5 yrs to him. After the divorce we continued with a relationship – on off most of the time – now I know why. He is a narc throgh and through. Hoovering is what he do best. After NC for 3 months from me he just stepped back into my life as if nothing happened. He use to use my birthday as a reason by sending me out of the blue a happy bday message. He never ever celebrated bdays , Xmas or New Years days etc. Never wanted except gifts from me (except if it was money of course) for any of those days always saying you know I don’t celebrate bdays etc and gave me a lot of lip but at the end he would take the gift – what he did with it I don’t know and frankly I don’t care) but he used my b/day or any of those days as a way back into my life cause he KNEW how much those special days meant to me. I can express myself as to extend this made verbally and emotionally abused me afyer the divorce 6 yrs ago. Last year on my 50th bday he he came to my place with an open bottle of wine and a old slab of chocolates. I was so disgusted but said nothing cause I wasn’t going to fight on my 50th b/day. He was not there for even 30 min and left eith some excuse. Never offered to take me for lunch or anything else. What he did tell me on that day was that I must wait for him for 5 yrs before he can commit to me ‘again’ that we must carry on with the relationship until then. I am still in disbelieve. He wanted to use me (again) as his pension package for when he has no job and no place to stay but he also wanted to see me until then when it suited him only. I had to wait give up my life my future for someone who only saw me as a money tree. I think NOT!!! I broke the ‘relationship’ via sms beginning of last month where I actually told him how I see things. Until today he has not made an attempt to contact me about what I accused hin of which only means 1 thing – he now knows I know what he planned and can’t face the truth and I know he will get back at me cause that’s how they operate. I have dented his big ego and saw him for what he rally is. I have only contacted him once since then. But as I said he WILL be back to do the discard step cause in his mind he is the only one who can break up with me – I can’t take that step I have over step my boundaries with him. I will be “punished” I know him to well maybe. But I’m ready for him this time I will tell him to his face what he can go and do with himself. One can only take SOOOO much abuse from one person. You can fool some people sometimes, but you can’t fool all of them all the time.
    Happy Easter to every one!

  72. I broke up with “the narcissist” for good on January 11th 2015 and cut all communication. I did however email him a detailed list of why I’d never get back with him. Prior to this breakup, I had broken up and gotten back with him a few times.

    Everything you mentioned regarding narcissistic behavior and the toxic pattern: how they want to control who you associate with, your finances, monitoring your social media, the tit for tat ploys at control, not wanting you to have anything from any past relationships, lying about ridiculous things and the list goes on.

    I had no idea that there was a term for it until I started reading up on narcissistic personality disorder. I knew something was really dysfunctional with him, but I didn’t know what it was and why. My main point was reeling back from that situation and taking back the power that I had given him over me.

    He was good at discard and devalue, doing and saying things and not wanting to face the emotional implications that his words or actions caused. Once I cut ties this time I vowed that was it for me, I was staying off of that train wreck for good. He has reached out numerous times. He used his dad as a ploy in one attempt that I was very short and to the point with him.

    He has reached out again and for awhile before I broke up with him the last time he would do random drive bys. I am not completely certain, but prior to his most recent attempt I believe I saw his vehicle pass by twice going and coming back. I refuse to respond to him. I finally feel at peace. I had no idea what hoovering was until I started reading up on it. I did feel a sense of outrage, in thinking how dare he assume that I owe him even a reply back. And I know this is all a ploy to try to open communication.

    Thank you for expounding on the characteristics of this disorder and also the other things that they do, so that people like myself can be aware and informed. It gave me so much insight and hindsight on things that I did (going back when I did) and what these type individuals do.

  73. I have been NC with my ex-Narc for a little over a week. I broke it off after I caught him in a lie (there had been many, I just got fed up!). He lives a couple of states away from me – we met on a social media site. He meets most of the criteria for being a NPD, I could list them all here, but I think you all already know them!

    Today he sent me a dozen roses with “I’m sorry, I love you” on the card.

    I feel like the decent thing to do is to thank him, but realizing what I would be getting myself into if I did, I’m going to keep my NC going.

    Thanks to everyone who posted here…everyone’s thoughts and stories have helped me get through this difficult stage.

  74. My NPD ex-wife just texted me and said, “I loved you so much. I remember my vows…the love I have for u is gone now.” And three days earlier, from a mission trip to Mexico, she texted me, “I’m having a great time. Thought of you today…I wish you were here.” Interestingly, she had an affair, lied to my face several times during the affair, and even when I had undeniable proof that she was sleeping with another man…she still lied. What makes her statements so nonsensical is the fact that she had the affair 13 months after we were married!

    NPD’s do not quit. Melanie is absolutely correct. Every single time when I begin to separate myself from her on an energetic level, I end up receiving a text message from her.

    After learning about NPD, and and listening to Melanie’s messages, I am stronger and more empowered to grow and become the wonderfully made human being that God had in mind. I no longer feel like a mistake, and I no longer feel hatred.

    Thank you Melanie! And to all the rest who struggle…keep fighting. Believe in your goodness, because no matter what anyone says about you, your goodness, your spirit, and your inherent worth can never be touched by evil.

  75. WOW. All I can say is WOW. Seriously, it’s like someone viewed my whole relationship and wrote it down for me. I just survived a “hoover,” with my ex of three years. We dated for forever, he promised me the world, that he would marry me, support me, etc etc. Then, the devaluation stage began… THEN, the discard. He told me he was tired of having to put me back together every time I fell apart– which were always hurtful things from him… We had been broken up for two months and I stopped trying to contact him (I only did once, and he was SO mean and condescending, saying he didn’t think it was a good idea to talk because it would just hinder my healing process and wound me) and out of nowhere, at 4 am, I get a text saying hey I’ve been thinking and I’m ready to talk (after 2 months of no contact). This was, as he admitted later, after seeing that I was doing incredibly well and very happy without him, and he “broke down” because he realized he brought me down. So, because I’m naive and want to believe he wasn’t a NPD, we talked for a while, and he promised me the world again. That he realized he hadn’t followed through on things, that he wasn’t good to me (even though when we broke up he said he had been an AMAZING boyfriend… hahahaha). He admitted lies to me, decided to be brutally honest about things he hadn’t been in the past, told me about how I was right about girls I knew liked him before (that he used to triangulate me, along with his family), promised extravagant dates, etc. He told me he was at the place where we first met when we started dating, and how sad it made him, how our anniversary coming up was going to suck…. I maintained my boundaries and he kept trying to push them down.. at first he acted responsive, that he understood, etc. Then kept getting pushier, claiming it was because we were limited on time so he needed to make things up to me, and how could he prove anything if I wouldn’t see him?? Then, I told him to stop telling me what to expect, and take it easy, and that’s when he got cutting, telling me I was a shark because he was doing such nice things for me and I should appreciate it. Anyway- I finally got the nerve to tell him I couldn’t do it anymore, and BAM, cutting comments, calling me a coward, telling me I’m hormonal, telling me I don’t want to deal with struggles, I’m going to regret it, I’ve been so unstable I shouldn’t be on my own… how could I let his family win? etc etc etc. He tugged on my heart strings in this hoover, and said things like I should forgive because of my faith, and played on his illnesses and told me the horrible things his family said about me post-break up, and how he was going through SO much strife with them because he wanted to be with me and make it work. Nothing positive, all negative.

    Long story short– I’ve been sitting here feeling terrible, like I’ve abandoned him because he was so good at playing a victim from his family’s horrible behavior (which hey, I witnessed it, they did suck,, his mom and sister both have personality disorders, no doubt), but I’m glad I came across this because it reinforces what I have felt and that it wasn’t me and that I made the right decision!!!

  76. I’ve had no contact with my ex for four months or so. In February i contacted the police because of his incessant hoovering; they ended up having to warn him not to contact me twice. Yesterday I saw that he emailed me a few days ago. The email was one I had sent to him a year ago for his birthday (which this year was on Monday last). I’m embarrassed to say it was a pornographic story I wrote for him, about us. I was very upset to see it, and now I’m not sure what to do – if I contact the police, they will arrest him immediately as this is his third contact since I first spoke with them. My friends and my mother think I should just ignore it and not talk to the coppers cos it will only give him the satisfaction of knowing it’s got to me, and I admit this is tempting (I think my ma is also worried cos of the nature of the content, which I did explain to her). On the other hand, I don’t want him to think he can get away with this, and I know he’s afraid of the law. What to do? For myself, I’m maybe not thriving as much as I had thought at first but I’m trying hard. Thank you so much for helping me Melanie xx

  77. When my sister and I were in our early 20’s, our mother told us our grandfather had “molested” us. We were quite confused, of course, given our mom and dad had brought us to this “horrible molester grandfather’s” house for the past 20 years for every Christmas, Thanksgiving and Easter Holiday. Turns out, we discovered our mom and dad were in a bitter legal “will” battle with our grandfather after our grandma died. Yep, our mom (and dad) decided to concoct a story that my sister and I were “molested” at just the same time they were filing legal papers to contest a will…..

    And then there was the time my sister’s son was diagnosed with autism…and my mom’s response to her was “oh, poor you, me and my handicapped child”….

    And then there was the time I found one of my sister’s laying against the garage…after having ingested numerous pills….I ran in to tell my parents…who were always in front of TV….and my parents just laughed and said, “She’s fine.” No empathy. No compassion. No concern for my sister. Then they said her eyes were too closed together…..and then there was the time my father and mother took turns beating my sister….and then years later…this same sister is now the golden child….emotionally crippled….never has left my parents property…has never held a job outside my parents…lives on the same property as my parents….even though she’s in her 40’s and has become a complete zombie…

    And then there was the time my younger sister’s daughter tried to commit suicide…and while that child was laying in a hospital bed, ready for spinal surgery, my mother said she couldn’t visit cuz she couldn’t fly on an airplane…but somehow, the next week, was able to fly on an airplane after she booked a first class flight to Hawaii….for herself and her golden children….a few weeks later this same mother came to visit her grandchild in the hospital….and as that vulnerable grandchild laid their with grave wounds, depressed and scared, my mother waltzed in and told her, “Quit feeling sorry for yourself.”

    The narcissistic personality disorder is not only mentally ill, they are EVIL…RUN RUN RUN from them do not waste your time on them, they are nothing but pure evil…..there is no hope for people like this…do not throw your pearls to swine lest they try to trample them….let them reap what they sow, and run like heck away from them…they never have your best interest in mind, they will accuse you of doing the same things they do…they will lie and cheat and lie again, run..let God handle these evil swines….

    These types prey on vulnerable people and call themselves vulnerable if you dare to expose their evil deeds, just the most crazy confusing people you could ever deal with…RUN….rebuke them and write them off forever….

  78. It’s amazing how when you are NOT “hoovered” you WISH you were! After a year my ex drops off a Xmas card & later a b-day card neither really saying much of any consequence – as if his discard hadn’t happened & we didn’t have an (wholly unnecessarily) atrocious break up & aftermath. He even then texted me as if to make sure I got them. I am literally completely alone so I want/need him desperately yet am scared of what he could say or do. So, i texted a reply and sort of tried to open the door but now almost 3 months later he’s never taken me up on it. Based on this article I guess just him “knowing” I’m still “available” to him (on some level) is enough for him. Plus he may not even be single for all I know. Probably ISN’T.

  79. Hi Melanie,

    Your article was exactly what I needed to read. I have only come to learn recently that my ex is a sociopath narcissist. I have known him for quite a few years, but the time we were actually in a relationship did such severe damage. I have spent the last couple of months journalling our relationship. As I look back, I am so horrified at what I read. I cannot believe I was so naive and blind to the red flags. In a nutshell, from the day I met him, he studied me. He tested me on occasions with my sensitivity, compassion and who I was as a person. I had no idea he was setting me up to be a source once things ended with his ex wife. When things did end with his ex wife for what was unknown to me at the time was at least the 10th time or so, except this time divorce was going through the court. He sought me out and pursued me. As a sole parent on my own 100% with 2 children, I was vulnerable. Especially since my ex knew that my children’s father had been domestically violent toward me. I see now that my ex feigned an interest in my children to get close to me. He knew that bonding with my children and treating them as his own, would be a major key in getting me to fall in love with him. And he was right, because it did work. I literally feel so sick when I realise this, because both my children have special needs. After getting me to fall deep in love with him, allowing him into the most very vulnerable parts of my heart and allowing him into my children’s hearts, things began to change slowly. He started to detach more emotionally from us. Whenever he needed me, I was there in an instant for him. But whenever I needed him, he either had an emergency or was too tired. He began to triangulate me with one of his children, playing the both of us against each other. When that wasn’t enough he triangulated me with his ex wife. My story is such a complicated mess. But in a nutshell, I was unaware up until just recently that I was part of a sick game. A game that I had no idea I was involved in and had no way of winning. The sick game being between my ex and his ex wife. See the thing is, the time that my ex and I were together they hoovered each other. I know it sounds absolutely crazy, but both my ex and his ex wife are narcissists. I have only just come to learn that their marriage (if you can even call it a marriage) was a pattern of infidelity (on both his and her accounts), trying to outdo hurting and destroying each other, “honeymoon” periods, silent treatments, my ex absconding for periods of time with no contact, separations, lies and deception. A sick co-dependancy where my ex was the doormat. It started with the ex wife doing the hoovering in the beginning, when she realised that my ex had begun a relationship with me. Even though she had already moved onto a new man before she had even separated from my ex. Since the minute the ex wife found out I was in a relationship with my ex, I was an immediate target. She began to really hoover. When she had my ex where she wanted him in wanting to go back to her, she united with my ex, to destroy the new man that she had taken up with. During this period, my intuition was picking up so many things, but I ignored it because of the lies & deception coming from my ex, my loyalty and the fact I had no proof to back it up. It was also during this period that my ex began cheating on me with his ex wife. He was emotionally distancing himself from me and my children. I knew exactly what was going on. A few weeks later, after his ex wife took great delight with such happiness in humiliating me over Facebook with regards to my ex cheating with her, I realised there was something seriously wrong when my ex denied what the ex wife was saying. Because when I told him I wanted to confront her about the messages, he made it clear he didn’t want me talking with her, because he wanted to remove himself from the situation as he didn’t want any part in it. A couple of weeks later, I got my proof about the cheating. My intuition had been spot on each incident that didn’t seem right. When I got ready to walk out, my ex threatened suicide in front of me and I had to spend the next few hours trying to calm him down and talk him out of it, agreeing to try and work on our relationship. When the ex wife realised that my ex was not going to leave me & reconcile with her like he promised he was going to do. She took to Facebook again to humiliate both myself and my ex. My ex was FURIOUS and set out to make her life miserable. She in turn retaliated to make his life hell. Still the lies and the deception kept pouring out of both of them like water out of a tap. No-one would take any responsibility for their part in what had happened. Instead they were blaming each other and declaring how much they hated each other. Fast forward 8 weeks later, and I discovered my ex was back flirting with his ex wife, this time hoovering her. When I confronted him about this and about how it wasn’t acceptable, I then instantly became the enemy. He then united with his ex wife to set out to cause as much hurt as they could and destroy me. When I realised that the flirting had turned to cheating, I made it clear I wouldn’t tolerate it and I wouldn’t be part of their games anymore. He discarded me pretty much straight away. And kept his “special friendship” going with his ex wife. I emailed him a few days later telling him I knew exactly what was going on. I knew exactly all about the lies and had done for some time etc. I really let him have it. I got a text back making me feel guilty. I caved and apologised for saying what I did in the email. I didn’t contact him after that. I got a message from him a few weeks later saying that a place I had forgotten to remove him as a contact were trying to reach me. I was very formal in my reply, saying thank you for letting me know, I will take care of it and they won’t contact him again. I left it at that. Then only last week I got a text from him wanting to know how I was going. I ignored the text, and he tried calling me. He left a message on my voicemail. He sounded so down and really and truly depressed. All I can put it down to is that things must have gone bad between the ex wife and him. I decided not to respond. I then caved a couple of days later and responded, formally saying I was well and I trusted he was well. I realised that I shouldn’t have responded and instead kept the no contact going. So I emailed him making it clear I didn’t want anymore drama from himself & his ex wife and I wasn’t ready to talk. A few hours after sending the email, later that night, I get a text supposedly from one of his children (the one he triangulated me with) saying that he was in hospital and couldn’t talk. I read the text the following morning, and something didn’t feel right about the text. My intuition was saying that it was my ex who had sent the text not his child, as the text was sent rather late on a school night. It didn’t add up. I decided to call the hospital to get a progress report and check what was really going on. I learnt that my ex had indeed been in hospital. But it was the morning before the text was sent the following night and he was discharged a couple of hours after being there the morning he went in. I couldn’t believe that he was still lying to me. I then caved again, sending him an email saying I knew he had lied again, but why does he continue to do this? I haven’t heard anything back from him since and I haven’t sent anything since. I have now come to realise he is hoovering me. He must be psychic or something, because he hoovered right at the very time I started to really begin to try and let go. I have so so many questions and still can’t understand a lot of why things are the way they are. I know I have a LONG way to go. But at the moment I am still having to deal with the betrayal of my vulnerabilities and who I am as a person. This is just a small picture of what took place. But I wanted to let you know that your message on hoovering that I saw tonight, really helped. So thank you

  80. Your website has really helped me understand what my narcissist ex was doing to me. I am learning now that the six months that I was with her I was projecting myself on to her what I wanted her to be. But all I got was suicide threats, lies (about being in a car accident, having cancer, loosing her passport, posting odd statuses on fb, basically attention seeking ) 6 months of hell I want through I went from a 36 waist to a 31 waist in less than a month due to stress and lack of sleep I think she basically brainwashed me as I was not thinking clearly at all. And when I did call the relationship off. She sent me horrible pictures, which gave me nightmares. And I didn’t sleep for a week. horrible messages with suicide threats. Tombstone writing on them, with her date of birth on them. I checked her fb page and she is going on like I didn’t exist and in another relationship. My nativity and my inability to say no has definatley been the cause of my emotional, mental, abuse psychological abuse by the narc. I would like to say thank you for all of the brilliant information on your website you have truly inspired me. Currently no contact now for 3 months and I can feel myself getting stronger

  81. Hi Melanie. Yes this information we need. I am glad your putting it out there. I have been married to a narc for 16 years. Only in the last two years have i processed this nightmare i’ve been living in. We dated as teenagers , broke up, ten years pass and he’s back in my life promising me the world. Well of course i’m just so touched that he’s been “pining” for me all this time. Man, what a crock of @#$%! Every last thing he says or does is about manipulating and controlling me and our children. I will not look into his eyes. The reptilian stare that feels like he’s swallowing you with his eyeballs. The eyes that turn black when he goes into a rage. His face contorts. The absolute hatred in those eyes shakes me to my core. Hits me in a place i didn’t know i had. I am convinced that something truly evil is dictating this behavior. Not to get all “religious” on you, but i have never seen anyone react so violently to hearing the word of god or scripture. I used to think that maybe it makes him angry to think that i am more knowledgable in an area he’s not. Because you know they know everything. But i don’t think that’s the case. And now that i’ve unmasked him CRAZY would be a welcome change compared to what i’ve been living with. I am planning my exit. Quiet and discreet. they are masters at hiding right in front of your face. Without sites like yours i just don’t know where i would be. I look at my license from ten years ago and i cry. Don’t even recognize her. you don’t realize how far you’ve fallen. And now i’m working on putting me back together. Physically, mentally and spiritually. One day at a time. Thank you again for being a life line for those of us who have suffered at the hands of these merciless predators.

  82. Great article. I’ve had all of the above. Even after 2 1/2 years he still trying to get to me. His last resort is through the chdren. Of which he’s cut contact phone and face to face. Followed by messages of how wonderful I am and such a better parent than him. All this after months of court telling them how bad I am.
    This weeks messages consist of how wonderful I am. Would I meet him for a drink and finally can I sleep on your sofa as I can go home to my girlfriend. (My sister) I’ve not replied. Lol
    I’m sadded but comforted that I’m not the only one.
    I’m just wondering how long it takes to actually be free of this man? Any ideas would be great.
    Love to you all. X

  83. Hello Ms. Tonia. First and foremost, I’d like to say that I appreciate you saying something about not being hard on yourself for breaking no contact to just learn from it and pretty much do it again, but this time follow through in the hoovering section of narcissism Oct., 2013, I left my narcissistic ex after 22yrs, and 3 days after burying my mom. It’s was the hardest thing to do, but it had to be done at that to time. He was abusive to me and his oldest son physically, and a yr before leaving, he became physically abusive to our 2. He had always be manipulative, emotionally, and verbally abusive. I for the longest thought I was the problem; my mom had told as a kid that I was no good. When I got with my ex, I thought I was good enough till I heard m him belittle me; he reminded me of the things my mom would say. I came across many articles about narcissim because a friend of my ex’s, who’s also a narc, caused my ex a narc. I looked it up, and boy oh boy, it was so him. For yrs, his kids and ours would say he was bipolar. After leaving him, I saw a narcissistic article about no contact and hovering, it was yours. I felt compelled to push forward. He began dating a female in June 2014, one of which I had asked him about yrs ago. He and been to the movies with her and her youngest. They saw a movie our son had asked him to take him to, but cause I had a pfa, he blamed me for not taking our son. Then he started taking the new girl to places we had been together and as a female, and were posting pics up on fb. My kids and his were very upset. I started feeling some type of way. I started texting him with smart comments about him and his ugly girl. Come September, he starting hovering, asking for things back he had got the kids and I, no holds barred. He wanted everything. I gave him most things. I regret giving him our son’s ps4. He tricked me in doing things with him and our son; our daughter wasn’t having it since he blamed her for our breakup and she tried to kill herself on my watch. We began to have sex, we argued, and we’d go back to not taking for a few days, he’d contact me, I’d cuss him it cause I’d see pics on fb with the new girl. I even contacted the girl with knowing that he was probably about her always wanting to meet our son. I should’ve known better, but I reacted and messaged her. He found out in January 2015, that for 5months of their “relationship,” she had been texting him from two different text free account one acting as if she was me, and the other acting as if it was some guy that I was messing with that the time. He vowed to be a better father to the kids, to be a better person towards me, and to keep peace. All lies. He tricked me into giving him sex, giving him money, and even cooking for him. When school ended he was supposed to take our son every other weekend, he has not done so. He’s claiming to want custody again, to support has been dropped by 90 dollars, and he still complains that he gives me too much. Father’s Day weekend he was supposed to take our son. He got mad at me because I got mad at him for not sticking around after our daughters graduation. I found out he went to his girlfriends nephews graduation party. Of course up until this time, he has been telling me and the kids that he wasn’t with the girlfriend anymore. Well on Saturday I saw text from a screenshot that was sent to my phone from facebook of him and his girlfriend and Baltimore they spent the night there for Father’s Day weekend. I was so upset I just wanted to go into a rage. Now people that we both know are saying that the girl is posting stuff on Facebook calling me a deadbeat mom and saying that I need to let our child see his father, loving father I might add. I initiated no contact again, he reached out to me yesterday but I wouldn’t answer. As far as the girl friends post on Facebook, I’m trying to ignore them. Sorry so long, it’s just I feel something I can’t get ahead for no reason. He wants custody of our son now and I want to move away to another state, but I have a feeling that the only way he’ll say it’s okay to because if I drop the support, and I need the help with the money that he gives, it’s not much but its something.

  84. i finally broke away from my narc on mothers day…i was lucky i only was in it for 12 months ..and i have a great support cast in my life (friends and family) which she continuously but failed at alienating me from…our birthdays are days apart…i did text her happy birthday with no response back of course, as innocent as i thought that was at the time, is that enough (hopefully not) for her to try and reconnect with me??

  85. I saw this post it it seems to be very similar to the situation I am experiencing.

    I broke up with my bf in the end or May. I did no contact for a month. The only reason I broke the no contact is because I want to get my belongings.

    When we were together he had moved out of the house we were living at together and we put everything in storage. He agreed when he starts to move into his new house he would tell me and I would be able to get my stuff back.

    I emailed him : with a specific day to pick up my stuff. All he wanted to do was engage in a conversation. I replied to the email saying I did not wish to engage in the conversation, because I am trying to focus on myself. Also, saying again that I wanted to get my stuff on a specific day.

    He has not responded at all now, it’s been about 4 days. I just want to get my things back.

    What do you reccomend I do?
    Thank you,

  86. I am more and more blown away every time I read one of these articles. I believe my brother in law is NPD, and reading these almost serves as a retro roadmap of the things my wife and I and her parents went through. Changing events to make them look better an almost pathological need to lie and make excuses, taking no responsibility for any of their ( his wife joined in, I’m guessing to take the focus off of her, she turned Stepford after one of his recent rages) behavior. We went no contact last December, and then a few months later, because my Mother in Law wanted her family together, asked them if they could ever work it out with us, they said sure. Big mistake on our part, we received a verbal assault via email, nasty, full of lies, and smearing. And it seemed that it boiled down to they were livid that they and their children had been cut from our social media, they brought it up constantly, they were furious that we had an inheritance and weren’t currently working, furious about a trip we had taken. We told them they had ruined real world relationships, we had only pushed a button on a computer, straight in one ear and out the other, their children only get to feel about their extended family how their parents feel. They have involved them in every family dispute since they were born, it’s sad to lose 2 nephews and a niece, but it’s the only way to move on and be healthy.

  87. Thank you so much, it has helped me tremendously! I just came back after meeting my ex narc and his hoovering session. I was so confused after this! First of all, when I hear his voice, I immediatelly feel “like at home” and become vulnerable. He was just fired and we are going through a divorce process. He was scaring me the whole evening how I should agree on dividing the assets his way. And at the same time he was playing a victim role, how cold it is at home when he is left all alone, and there is noone to sooth him in the whole country, etc. He has offered taking kids to a friend party and maybe back. And when I asked what he wants for that (as I have learned that sometimes favors from narcs cost more to pay back and if you knew the whole price at the beginning, you would have never agreed at the first place), he answered: some empathy to me… After reading this article I think I am back on taking care of me and not being played with and wanting to console his fallen down soul. I am gonna text tomorrow that I will take myself the kids to the party just to get less entanglement with a narc which never ends well. It helped me a lot to read that the next cycle of abuse is guaranteed there, and it is more severe and the cycle is more tight.

  88. This article is terrific! Thank you all for reinforcing how important it is to keep no contact. Someone I knew twenty years ago contacted me out of the blue lovebombing me and I fell hard. I unknowingly went through the three narc stages but before he could completely discard me after one year of lazy communication I went no contact. It has been five months now and I don’t intend to give him another opportunity to mess with my head or to stroke his ego should he come around again. It is he who has severe issues and knowing that is a sense of comfort for me. He is a damaged soul.

  89. I am currently dealing with my ex husband narc. He blames me for everything and the lies he tell are actually about himself. I used to react and unfortunately a past reaction is what he uses to build more lies. He lives in the past and tries his best to turn my young kids against me. He is very charismatic and therefore gains trust from those during his smear campaigns against me. When I think I am free, unfortunately because of the kids we have to communicate offers another opportunity to degrade me. I look forward to the process of healing and no longer being the victim of his antics. I know the pain all to well and the path it can lead you down and I refuse to let this overcome the beautiful person I know I am. He has the support of a wife that was first his mistress which makes it equally hard but I know I will survive.

  90. After nearly two years of broken promises, being made to feel like I was not trying hard enough and finally the act of physical violence when I packed up to leave. In front of our two year old special needs child. I started planning. I was terrified as he threatened that his parents would abandon me and their grandchild and as they lived in a very remote area in another state, if I tried leaving I would never see my child again. I was so scared I stayed and he had a son from a previous marriage that was like my own son that I knew if I left I would never see again, he had made that very clear. His son loved me like his Mom and my other children were like his siblings. I lived an hour and half from my son’s Father. He would often ask me to move there even showing me a piece of property that I loved asking me to help purchase it for our dream home. But something inside me did not feel right. I was not only mistreated but so were my children, his elderly parents, his son and ex wife. It was then I really began to pay the price. One night our son and I drove there to spend the night. We walked in and he started fussing for senseless reasons. Our 2 year old laid on the floor and started crying. I just realized this was going to be our way of life forever if I stayed. He always would promise to change and blame his childhood for his misery. That night he said he was not going to change this was the way he was and I would just have to love him unconditionally. That night I decided I was leaving. That night while he showered I put as much as I could in my bags that he would not notice. The next morning he would leave until I left so I had to leave the rest behind. I contacted my attorney and filed a restraining order. True to his word he turned his parents against me despite all the times they told me to leave him. I never get to see his son and he withheld support for our child until he had a court ordered income assignment. Despite my objections the court allowed his new girlfriend to transport our child for visitations. I quickly put a stop to it after she showed up late twice and looked like she literally crawled out of bed and became belligerent when I refused to let her have my baby. I then had law enforcement present for the exchanges. To pay me back at the last exchange when I got out off my car to get my baby, much to his horror and mine she just drive off with him! Needless to say my attorney filed for contempt the next morning. I have been getting outrageous emails since from my ex stating I would have to make arrangements for a new baby bed as the bed our child sleeps in is his property and he wanted it back and despite the Protective Order would be at my home to pick it up. So of course I reported the violation as all emails are only to pertain to the well being of our child. True to form after I ignored his threatening emails from the day before he emails me again with a good morning I hope everything is okay as you are not responding to me? Those emails, upon advice of my attorney went unanswered. So we are home worried that he may show up at any time to get the baby bed. The officers in our area are aware of his previous violations of showing up despite being court ordered not to. I pursued charges and am awaiting the District Attorney’s decision whether he will prosecute him. I guess since I did not respond to outrage me with moving in with a woman he worked immediately after finding out I filed a restraining order. However, he kept his apartment for five months so when I would pick up our son I would think he still lived there. I asked for the visitation to be moved to a public location after his girlfriend was rude to my daughter because he refused to bring her out and introduce her to me. His parents were the supervisors and were appointed to bring my son out to me so he could not have contact with me. He violated that rule of course. Court ordered anger management that I petitioned the court for has done little to help. He stated to the Psychologist he had unresolved issues as I left without a word or explanation. Your article has been so truly helpful. I read and reread it as it brought me some understanding and peace. Thank you!

  91. Every time I read another Article on Narcissistic behavior, it makes me think of my situation that I have been trying to fathom out.
    I have been with my Partner for almost ten years now, engaged for three of those years.
    Maybe it has been he returns home for two weeks plus.
    I have caught him out with cheating but he denies it completely although I had the proof. He said it is nothing for me to be concerned about, just women who run after him.
    To me it seems that he has to have the Triangle and other women too to stroke his over inflated Ego.
    There is no violence except raising his voice when I say something he does not like.
    My Partner has a very kind side and I do not go short of anything, all I need to do is ask and it’s done.
    If I confront him about anything he has done to hurt me, the cheating or ask too many questions, I do get the freeze out and ignore behavior from him. No replies to any emails or messages, no Calls unless it’s something about home or him.
    When I would like to discuss our Relationship, I get the reply, There is nothing wrong.
    I think in ten years he has complimented me maybe a few times but other females are complimented in front of me.
    Romance, Sex, attention and affection have just dwindled out and this concerns me.
    In front of others he is a different person to what he is at home when we are alone, this makes me feel as if maybe the problem is me.
    My Partner says everyone is entitled to a private life…his phone is guarded by him and he deletes calls and message history always.
    What I would to know is this…Is there a Borderline Narcissist with a few of the traits?
    Is my Partner just a selfish Cheater who has a low self Image of himself or not sure of himself.
    Is the distance in our Relationship a cause for his odd behavior?
    His wife left/dumped him because she says he has no feelings, my partner keeps in contact with her although she is married again.
    He is so good to my Children and they love him very much.
    I sometimes feel as if I am living with a stranger and not the person I have know for many years and started a Relationship with.
    How can you tell a woman you love her and punish her because of something she did that upset you and you never/won’t discuss it with her….this confuses me.
    I love my Partner, I am loyal and faithful and I would like to understand him and his actions.

    Any comments and advice will be appreciated and thank you in advance.

    1. My husband is the same other than being kind to the kids. He wasn’t physically abusive, just always distant, nonemotional, and when there is a more intense emotion from them he doesn’t respond, he just brushed them off or when they are angry, he sent them to their room. He would even brush them off when they were happy. We have been married for almost 11 years and I filed for divorce in October 2017. I did everything to change myself that was allowed by him. It’s weird because I would fix parts of me that he told me were dysfunctional (to put it nicely) without knowing that I was helping myself break away from him. He hated it and still hates it when I went go to therapy for me by myself, when I set boundaries, when I speak up for myself, and when I distance myself from his games and lies.
      I see a great therapist and I am slowly figuring out myself and my own life. He still tries to punish me. It doesn’t work sometimes and other times it does.

      My point is… I am getting better the less I let him hook me in and the more I see what he has done and what he still does do. Even though he smears me in so many underhanded ways, my kids see past it.
      I am starting to see my worth. And it’s more worth than he wants me to know I have.
      So if you are still in it, worry about you. Worry about how to change you. Look at the the parts of you inside that he uses and make them feel better. There isn’t any fixing that you need to do. You can’t fix those parts, you can soothe them and help them be ok with how they came to be. You can empathize with them and love them. They are an unseen gift. They can make you stronger, healthier, happier, and more wise.

  92. If I hadn’t known I was being hoovered, I’d be a basket case today, wondering where the man who said I was the love of his life had gone. Instead, I let his hoovering run its course, and benefited deliberately and calculatingly from it. And today, I feel utterly peaceful and steady.

    In the last three months, thanks to him, I gained materially. Work got done on my house that needed doing. I went whitewater rafting, I ate and drank like a queen, and had (yes, because it’s true, some more great sex.) All it cost me was a little peace of mind. But, I stayed steady. I didn’t fall for the big, beautiful house he wanted to buy so we could all live together. Everything I let him do, I kept myself free from entrapment.

    He showed up after 8 months gone, just as I finally disentangled myself from our financial life. (ie, I didn’t need him anymore). I felt strong and capable. He wanted to talk, finally, after leaving our home and mutual life suddenly when I discovered gay casual encounters through Craigslist. (That’s his drug. Its how he soothes himself when he’s hurting.) So I agreed, thinking closure would be helpful, not knowing then about being hoovered, and hoover me he did. Love bombing commenced, and my confusion about how he could just return as though nothing happened intensified. I stopped sleeping at night. I started drinking every evening. The worst part was that I didn’t miss him and was very happy without him, and now he was under my feet, in my home, and telling me he was going to buy us a big house to live in. When not eight months earlier he left the one we were buying together already. He did pay all our expenses for three months after he left, but I think it was so he was able to hold his head up to friends, family, and self. (What a good guy!).

    Then completely by chance I discovered NPD, and what he was up to. Suddenly, everything that hurt and didn’t make sense was crystal clear. When we went whitewater rafting, he bought massage oil and gave me heavenly back rubs. But he also waxed lyrically about how much he likes that oil. It’s not sticky, and it leaves your skin smooth. Those Craigslist encounters? Happy ending MASSAGES. It’s like he forgot I know. Or maybe doesn’t care. But its so PSYCHO.

    Anyway, what I knew would happen did. An emotional moment at dinner, and he dropped me home and left without a word. I smiled genuinely for the first time in months as his car backed down my driveway. I didn’t return the call he made at noon. He will never gain a foothold in my life again, and I do feel I exacted my own revenge. It probably calls into question my integrity, but I am oddly unconcerned. Nothing he did I asked for. His twisted little mind thought he could buy me back. But the devaluing had begun, and the novelty was wearing off. He didn’t count on me being perfectly happy alone, and that was his mistake.

    Thank you for such an informative site. Without information like this I would be a wreck today, starting my questioning and grieving all over again. It’s absolutely invaluable.

    I wish all of us struggling with someone so destructive peace and real love.

  93. Very good article and every word is so true. I divorced my narcissistic husband a year ago after I was discarded for a younger co worker. We were married almost 20 years. Out of the blue he walked out of my life, left his only child and myself in financial and emotional devastation. I “grieved” for about 3 months and then I finally had the strength to find an “aggressive, male” attorney, cut of all contact with the ex and filed for divorce. It was difficult and it was exhausting to separate a life after so many years. But it was so worth it. I finally stood up for myself and said ENOUGH, NO MORE. Divorce was final last summer. He lost everything, his home, his family, his money. I gained everything, my peace, my sanity, my freedom. Best decision I ever made. As for him, he can have all his little “minions” , I don’t care anymore. They can be my replacement. Thank God for taking him out of my life. I thought it was the end of the world, instead it was the beginning of a new life. My only regret is I should have divorced him a long time ago because they don’t change or get better. They are pure evil.

  94. Thank you for such an insightful article. This really resonated with me and it took me a long time to realise that things with my narcissist would never, ever change.

    What upsets me the most is when I read the comments of these articles and the victims who are clearly still in the narcissistic cycle hoping that theirs will change.. if they hold their ground enough, or maintain the upper hand, or try to understand him/her, that things will be different this time around. It makes me sad because I’ve been there so many times.

    Take it from me, the narcissist will never change. Going completely no contact is the only way. Find someone who is worthy of your love, and believe that you are worthy too. Because you are.


  95. I’ve learned the only way to beat the narcissist is the Silent Treatment. NCFNMW: No Contact Forever No Matter What. There’s an expert who calls it Grey Rock – turning intentionally boring to them, becoming a “grey rock” whose life no longer offers or dispenses exciting goodies. The best way is to take it a step beyond grey rock. Full, scorched earth Silent Treatment policy. And if the narcissist comes sending his lawyers, ignore even the lawyers. That drives narcissists bananas!

    I’m a recovering film and TV director and adult child of two narcissists. Imagine for a moment how many actors – all of whom by sheer profession are untreated narcissists – targeted and stalked me. For decades. I finally cut them all loose and moved away overseas. Now none of them can reach or contact me. They don’t know how. And I’m NCFNMW on them ALL.

    It’s bliss 😀

  96. I am currently in the “hoovering” stage by my ex Narc. The discards have escalated to every other week. I received a text from him stating that I do not deserve his abuse because he is a hardened a**hole. However after about 3 days he sexted me to get together. I did reply stating that I deserved better than what he can give me. Several texts later he agreed. Then 2 days later another inane text stating a event is going on this weekend. Then asking me to come if I want to his place. We had a 3 year relationship with him swooping in my life to fix all my wrongs, calling me cedependent, needy a doormat etc… I am devastated after every discard and finally thought this was it but he reels me back in. Help!!!

    1. I had an Ex like this. He broke up with me and came back into my life as he wished. I was hooked. But then i woke up one day and decided to cut him out of my life. It was not easy letting go of the fantasy that he will wake up one morning and love me. He just was not capable of love, and that was sad. Once you realize this, you can begin healing.

  97. My daughter has just divorced her narcissist husband after an 8 year abusive marriage. They have 2 children together, unfortunately he managed to make her agree to give him full custody of he children a year ago when she first attempted to leave him. I have read up as much information on dealing with divorcing a narcissist, and the most common advice is to cut all contact with him. She now has to live in a different country to her children and ex (she cannot legally live in the country her ex husband and children live in) and has to phone and Skype the children (they are 6 and 7 years old) on his phone every week. She will also have to contact him when it is her turn to have the children for holidays/visits to make arranements, which we predict will not be easy as he will definitely make this as difficult as possible because this is something he can still control… Any advice on how to handle this without giving him any more control that he already has regarding the children will be much appreciated.

    Kind Regards

  98. Well after 2 years of Domestic Abuse and some horrendous violient acts from my now former male partner, ive finally had to come to terms that he trully was and is a pyscopath of the worse kind, 4 weeks ago he pulled knifes on me and I had to leave my house for my safety and ask the police to remove him from my house, stupidily I still thought his behaviour was all down to the abuse he said he had had as a child and poor upbringing and his mental health diagnosis of Bi Polar type 2 and borderline personality, on researching everywhere i was hoping his behaviour was down to being down to Borderline personality disorder as this condition as far as i could find would of meant he may of had some or more emotions than a pyschopath, but after us finishing he fully admitted he had used me for 2 years and had game played me from start to finish and I had just existed in his life, he never loved me,and was never attracted to me, he then stated he had WON his game..I now think pyscopath but not sure if he could still be just Borderline ?? Ive lost everything in this so called relationship and i believe he has delibrately tried to infect me with Hiv, Im sure i will never hear from him again now, as i think the police involvement has made things too risky, ive also got that mad at him that ive made a lot of trouble for him copyimg his messages and posting his confessions everywhere and the ironie is that hes asking me to leave him alone after hes caused all this chaos and pain in my life, not sure if anybody else has given them a taste of there own medicine back but it looks like he will never bother me again now!!

  99. Hi Mel,

    The N discarded me after 10 years of enduring his lying & cheating ways as I have started fighting back big time. He found his new NS & even thou I have all the evidence, he still denied it. He even sent the breakup letter to the new NS to proof read before sending it out to me. How despicable & low life!!!!! Blocked him on all my social media. We have 2 dogs but with him thousand of miles away, he’s constantly sending me emails asking me to send him their photos. After 4 months, I got tired of his emails & told him NOT to contact me for the dogs photos as pets won’t change their hairstyles nor looks. If he misses them, look at their old photos. Told him all his emails will be put to spam. Now he is sending me emails weekly asking if he can call me & how am I doing. I’m so disgusted with his childish ways. I’m really tempted to email him & cc his current “love” of how pathetic he can be & exposing all his lies to her. Should I do that? Please advise. Thanks.

  100. After two months of NC the person and I were at the same event. After several hours of my avoiding her she LITERALLY grabbed me by the arm and LITERALLY cornered me, begging to go back to being friends, which I interpret as me giving her attention and doing her favors when she needs it. This is a person who gaslighted, triangulated and smeared me.

    I want to go back to NC but I feel tremendous guilt now, the same sensitivity and compassion she initially played on is making me waver. I know she’s very bad for me but I’m not very good at standing firm even in the face of it. Especially when I care for the person despite the issues and had some good times with them.

  101. Thank you. Im only begining to see how broken i am. Im not ling into my 6th breakfree and feel weaker than ever. Im relieved to find my hurt isnt as rare as i thought.

  102. I left my ex a week ago, and i have not slept this well in a year. I actually look forward to going home now. When i lived with him going home took an emotional toil on me because i knew i would somehow get punished. I decided to take back control of my life when i realized the kind of man he was. i was especially miserable because for a time i was financially dependent on him. I’m never making that mistake again. He was punishing, he really did try to break my spirit. But he was unsuccessful. My final word/ revenge was lying about when the Van was coming to get my stuff ( i said 5 but the van was really coming at 3) He went for a run, and discovered that i had left. Started the cleansing ritual of cleansing him from my life. He was able to sneak in a whats app message, about how he cant believe im ”choosing” to behave like this. Like he gave me a choice or even dignity. I ignored and blocked him. 🙂

  103. My ex abusive narcissistic girlfriend just sent me an email after 1 month of no contact out of the blue at 3am on Sunday morning, asking me this without any subject line and nothing else… like nothing happened….

    Did you moved already?

    Hoovering is something that we need to be aware of and what is behind this since this can get us back in the cycle of abuse that we don’t deserve at all.

  104. My ex narcissistic boyfriend who has returned after a 2 mo. silence, we have been speaking for a week. He just sent me a Christmas gift in the mail, a book on a topic he knows I love, which I already have but that is beside the point. I have already caught him in a lie after only a week of contact again. It’s so unreal, you want to really believe that this time maybe he realizes, maybe he really cares. It’s sad in a way that you invest so much time and exert so much energy, hang on to hope and give love unselfishly to someone who is a shell of a human being yet purposely continues to deceive. I know it is of no use. What is the best thing to do? Send the gift back to Amazon so he realizes I rejected it or just do nothing?

  105. Another way they hoover is contact your friends and complain about you or send you love notes in the form of court documents. It’s sick. You just want them to go away and they continue to pick at that scab.

  106. Hi Melanie,

    Thank you so much for this article. I was finally able to leave my ex after 7 years and multiple attempts. I was home visiting my family from Chile and decided to stay, leaving everything I own there and having to start over at my parents’ place. You would think living on different continents, over 8000km away, would make it easier, but it’s really not- there is that hold. After all the breakup attempts, he always finds a way back in. He is masterful with words and so persuasive, despite English not being his first language (I’m thankful I did not fully learn his language or I would be in more trouble). Many of my close friends and family members tell me not to talk to him because he has a way to hook me back in because the hold he has over me.

    So here I am (again) and he contacts me after a month. I’m away with my aunt on a girls’ weekend and I find out that he has contacted her to wish her a happy New Year (though it has passed weeks ago). When I get home I find out he has called home, messaged me on Facebook and is liking and commenting on my family members’ posts. His bday just happened to be 2 days later, but I resisted contacting him (despite the guilt I feel for not wishing him a happy bday). I’m in a snare where I really don’t want contact with him because I know it’s over, but there is that part of me that likes it when I hear from him (which is not healthy). I found a journal entry from a couple years ago that I could have written right now- I was in the same place exact same place of moving back home, trying to heal my broken heart yet excited at the chance of redesigning my life, and of course, stressing to myself not to make contact with him (which I wrote in all upper case letters).

    I know it’s over this time because I can feel it. Through the years of trying to figure out what the heck is wrong with the relationship I became acquainted with narcissistic abuse and have done much research on it and clearly see the cycles within the relationship…it just never changes.
    I feel like this article gets to the root of it by addressing the childhood wounds- that is something I haven’t looked into or done extensively. After reading it I found myself identifying those wounds and feeling the pain again (which is a good thing), because that is the only way out- information on the abuse is not enough. I can now see how he plays on those wounds and is able to hook me back in.

    Sorry for the long message, I just want to thank you for this article- it was painful at times to read but it’s truly a gift. It reinforces the importance of maintaining no contact with him. Thank you and Namaste.

  107. Thank you!

    What a nightmare! I was married to a narcissist for 25 years. He left me financially ruined. It’s been a couple of years now that he left and I’m still not healed. I started complete no contact about 3 months ago and I’m so glad I did. I blocked him from my phone, took myself off social media and so on. Unfortunately, he’s in contact with my adult kids and they give him updates on my well being. I choose not to speak to them about their father and I keep discussions about my life as positive as possible.

    How I wish I could turn back the clock, I would have left him years ago.

    I sometimes feel I should start dating to get over him once and for all but I am so scared I’ll attract more narcissists into my life. What a disaster that would be.

  108. It is just crazy making behavior that we get sucked into and get blinded to until we remove ourselves from it, see clearly and gain our self worth again. How any person can cause this is it diabolic and so deliberate. What is the purpose? Why would you? I ask myself this and cannot for the life of me see why? What kind of a mind causes such havoc, heartbreak and lunacy? Even if it weren’t deliberate, who doesn’t see the reaction one causes by their actions? No regret, no being sorry, no feeling? What kind of human being is this?? Even a dog realizes after being told their actions are bad to not do it again.

  109. Your hovering article was textbook to my situation. I am still living with my Narc we are at the disgard phase, with some hovering , I have left and came back three times, now I know why . Your article was as if you experienced my life for the last 3 years. Now it makes sense out of events that I could make no logic.

    I am just starting to read your articles and blogs and I cannot believe how much I associate with all of the articles and posts. its empowering and exhausting, lol.

    I suffer from anxiety and agrophobia and low self esteem due to my experience with my NARc and am currently on stress leave from my job. I need tools to help me get through this last phase. Its hard when you are not feeling well. but I do a little reading every day and hope to enlighten and educate myself enough to grow strong and get myself back, not my old self, a new self, thank you so much for your dedication and expertise . Much love… Shelley

    1. Shelly,
      It sounds as though we are at the same stage of this journey. But better late than never. Best of luck, love and support to you.

  110. I have constantly asked myself – when being re-invited into the narcissist’s sphere – “WHY am I being asked to show up ?!?”

    “Showing up” is NEVER affirming, gratifying or enjoyable for me, and I end up utterly despising myself for getting hooked-in…yet again.

    Words cannot express how fortunate I feel to have (recently) discovered your website, etc. Thank you ~ a hundred thousand times.

  111. After putting no contact for a month, the narc “accidentally” meet on one of my morning jogs. I am putting “accidental” because it looked like it was all planed.
    Firstly he doenst really like jogging he was doing because I was doing it when he was still trying to win me over.
    2 He was looking so good for a jog, like dressed to the nines,
    3 He was with girl he was triangulating me with
    4. He knows the times I go for a jog.
    The way I was disgusted when he acted like nothing ever happened and ask me if I want to jog with them. We had not been talking for a full month and we never officially broke it off. I mean how low does a person go just to get the satisfaction of hurting you.

  112. I’m experiencing a
    – I am changed now,
    – I won’t betray you again,
    – I didn’t want to disrespect you,
    – You listened to the wrong people that hate me,
    – I can’t live without you
    attack. (I dismissed her 5 months ago, after 5 years of relationship and 3 of toxicity and self-annihilation)

    Needless to say, it. will. not. work.

  113. Hello ,
    Excuse my English, i will try my best.Well . I am legally separated with my Narc-wife.Well , I don’t know from where to start my story but in the beginning everything was fine.She is from USA and I am from Bulgaria and we decided to move to Germany.We had a great time , I was working up to 12 hours every day (she was working up to 25 hours per week) and we went to Italy ,Switzerland , Denmark and etc.She decided she wants to go back to US so I left my 3 jobs and friends and everything and we moved to the US.Everything started right after we arrived in the US.She discarded me , I filed restraining order and I went back to Germany , didn’t feel secure for my life and my well being at all.I went NO Contact and of course she start sending me emails , telling me that everything is my fault and “what possibly I can say to make this right”. God , she is professional victim .What to do?

  114. Thank You for your article. I have a Narc Mother on her death bed and still hovering .I’m just learning all this so no contact I have struggled with because she sends the flying monkeys in (my sister the golden child). Last visit she verbally attacked me because I’m not doing enough. So I have been trying the no cantact and now she is trying to reel me back in phone calls, promises. Etc.. I struggle with guilt because she dying and I know when the morphine takes over the golden child will take over and it will be a big fight so this is where I’m at now she called yesterday when you coming. I’m not .

  115. I was dating a psychopath – narcissist for just over a year. I noticed the complete change in personality after about six months. It was really strange.

    Suddenly we stopped going out anywhere interesting, he stopped sticking food I liked or buying flowers etc. He would be ‘too busy working’ to talk on the phone.

    If I brought up these things he got angry. If I asked him to come to a concert with me it was a favour to me.

    I quietly disappeared from his life after a viscous rage incident, I said nothing & allowed him to evaporate by slowly changing my numbers.

    I read about toxic relationships & he absolutely is a psychopath. He devalued me horrifically and wrote me abusive mail blaming me for his violence. Apparently a week before this incident I’d expressed a thought which caused his reaction – his reaction didn’t happen when I made the comment as he wasn’t on home turf so I was set up deliberately.

    To my horror he began hoovering me three months later, he has the new partner hastily procured, he seemed to think I’d be returning and apologising for making him ‘do it’.

    I was amazed he reconnected, I just couldn’t imagine he’d have the courage. Obviously it was all virtual. I mirrored back and this continued for months a year in fact. Then I got fed up with him saying he loved me, he’s changed, I miss you …bla bla twice I mentioned his partner & he exploded. I told him to stop keeping me a secret or get lost.

    He turned up at my house ! Luckily he didn’t find me home or alone. Needless to say he rang me on his way back to his new girlfriends. I’m guessing she was on layaway leading up to “our reunion” which didn’t happen.

    I noticed that he was contacting me whilst actually out with her to increase the buzz, he sent me cute little tunes which he also was sending openly to her.
    He deliberately used me to trianguale her on Facebook. Oddly she was mirroring my exact posts.

    These people are vile toxic poison with no personality or character, they have no humour, are not creative or fun to spend time with. They are initially great at sex but again no imagination to move things past the porn star acting.

    They can’t care, they are very dependant but appear not to be, they don’t want to be tied down.

    The defining feature in my horror story is the complete lack of courage, they will seriously hurt you then vanish rather than discuss. Then they try and worm back into your life like a sick puppy. They are frightened of rig hours anger in their victims so they disassociate instead of dealing with it normally.
    I can put up with a lot of issues but I can’t respect a person with no courage or strength.
    Hoping he’s finally gone.

  116. It´s great to see that I´m not the only one in the world, going through that.

    Being in a extreme strange relationship, that was mainly textmessages, we actually never had dates.
    He was able to write in a way, every woman would fall in love with.So did I.
    I found out pretty early, that the poetry , I recieved over my phone, did not at all match with the real man and his real life.
    In person, he is the most boring person , I have ever seen.
    very carismatic and charming though.
    I´m married and he´s in a relationship as well, made it hard for me to carry on.
    After a couple of month, I made clear, that I couldn´t go on like that, without seing a way- I was not able to just love without a perspective.

    That´s , when the trouble started.
    he was fine, with the way it went.
    His stable relationship at home, and great sex and romantic texmessages with me.
    it was killing me, to think about the weekends, when he was with her.

    Monday, at about 8 in the morning”hello baby, how was your weekend”

    I broke up, so many times.Again and again, knowing, I can´t make it without him.
    knowing, it´s just promises, that will never see the light of day,
    didn´t give me the strength, to walk away.
    i changed my number, and he got the new one.
    And everythime, I was in flames again.

    We had our last date, 3 month ago.
    He pcked me up an hour to late.
    It was terrible-hiding in a awful bar, holding hands.
    Having sex afterwards.I felt like a whore as I woke up.

    His messages in the morning, that he misses me already, I didn´t answer anymore.
    I blocked my Number and cut off whatsapp, hoping for the end-finally.

    This artical, and all the women, who go through the same shit, helps me very much.
    And I hope, to stay away.

    I have to say, that I´m not a weak girl, absolutely not.
    I manage my own buisness and make my own money-successfully.
    I could be proud of myself.
    It´s hard to understand for me, that it would hit me that much

  117. Dear Melanie,
    I have been reading anything about Narcissistic. personality diisorder that I could get my hands on the past three days.
    I stumbled upon your website and decided I should hang around.
    I am 58 years old. My husband is 61. He was my first boyfriend. We went together in Jr. High and my freshman year. My family had to relocate due to my Dad’s job. We lost touch for all those years.
    I found out a few years later that he had married someone I had known. I was heart broken.
    Oh…and he was the first and I believe we always hold a torch for our first love.
    I had been married twice before and diivorced them both for cheating. I had lived alone for 19 years,
    bought and paid off my own home. I worked for an Attorney for 16 of those years.
    My children decided to move back to our hometown so I sold my home and moved as well.
    I went to work in a grocery store. My first week, he comes through my lline. My heart raced so fast I could barely breath. He came around the counter and kissed me so hard I just knew I was going to faint. He asked me to dinner, where I found out he was a widow. Four months later he begged me to move in with him so I did. I felt as though my life had resorted back to when we were young. I cannot remember ever in my entire life feeling the happiness that I was feeling.
    Not a day went by that he didnt do something special for me. He cooked fpr me all the time and I am a certified pastry chef. He told me that he had years of catching up to do and that he should have never lost touch with me. On Christmas in front of all my children, my Mother and grandchildren he proposed to me. I excepted but would’nt set a date. After4 months I talked to my mother about it. My mom is a retired substance abuse counselor of 27 years.
    She told me that I would be making a mistake if I didnt go ahead and set a date. The reason that I hadnt set a date was because I saw something in him that concerned me when I didnt set a date immediiatly. Now I know he was feeling rejection. We set the date for May 3, 2014. Funny that your webinar is May 2 LOL. He was a consultant in the oilfield for 47 years. At the time we were to be married he was working in North Dakota, I never went with him and we live in Texas. He had to fly back to work 2 days after the wedding so he suggested I fly with him for our honeymoon.
    We had been there one night, he was up and gone by 6 and I was on the phone with my Mother.
    I knew right then that I had made a big mistake. He wouldnt touch me the entire two weeks we were there. It was as though I was with a stranger. When he went back to work I stayed at our house, which is where he lived with his dead wife and raised three children. I had always felt it was my home when I moved in with him, until we were back from North Dakota. He insisted that everything be put back identical to how it had been before I moved in. So I did. There was a closet I was never allowed to open. It had a deadbolt on it. I walked in one day and he was getting something out of it and I saw a hugh trunk with 2 pad locks. He just looked at me with disgust so I eased out and didnt go baclk in that room for a long time. Oh yes I need to add that our sex life was above and beyond anything I had ever experienced. I know now that it was mandatory foir him to go above and beyond to make that happen. After the wedding I would almost have to beg for it, that was the silent treatment. Long story short…I had to buyan armband for my phoine because if I didnt answer it on the first ring it was hell to pay. I became frantic when I hadnt heard from him for three days when he went back to work. I found his work number and called it. one of the other consultants answered the call and informed me that he wasnt due back to work for two weeks. I finally heard from him after 6 days. By then I had took the hinges off the trunk after taking the hasp off the door. I was in shock. I foumnd cancelled plane tickets for a woman . It was the week before we were married. My life was ruined as I saw it. I had never met even one friend of his. He claimed he had none because he was gone all the time. Not a day went by that I didnt discover more and more.I have never spent a Christmas with him ever since he propiosed, not a valentines day and not our first anniversary. I am a faithful woman but was always accused of cheating. We have been separated more than we have been together and I always went back, until now. He is abusive , mean, cancelled my credit cards, moved someone in with him and threatened me if I came near the house. I have been living with my daughter now for 8 months and he comes and goes as he pleases. Hardly ever answers his phone. Has called me other womens names. Tjhe reason I told him to leave 6 days ago is because I got a text from him asking if he could call me later but he was here. I said nothing. He forgot to sleep with his phone so I took it to the patio and went through it. When I saw what I knew I would I took it back to the bedroom slammed it on his chest and told him he was disgusting. The fight was on. He finally said ok bitch I will tell all my friends that I have to remove their numbers because of a wrinkled up old 60 year old woman. That was it. I made him leave. At first he laughed and thought I was joking. When he realized I was serious he became outraged, but left because we were at my daughters house.
    I am determined to never have contact with him again. My mom said for me to look up narcissist
    and read about it. Well Melanie my fairytale of my first love being my last was a pipe dream.
    I also found out after we were married that his wife of 37 years commited suicide because he got a 19 year old girl pregnant. I have so many other stories but wont talk of it now. Help me help myself please.

    1. Rhonda,
      This was my marriage…the only difference was his Mother, Father and Psychologist Stupid Sister Pam covered for everything he did. Everything!
      Well….he only did it because YOU did this or he never had a problem BEFORE he met you or he never had a drinking problem before (only 7 DUI’s)… his daughter didn’t want to be around him, he made her uncomfortable, his exes refused any and all contact with him. His daughters mother would almost literally get sick at the thought of how she could have ever slept with him (the point I’m at now). The withholding sex, the secret joint bank accounts (with his elderly mother), the secret cell phones…it never ended….getting the neighbor’s sister pregnant. She took the baby and bolted to Canada and married someone else. Her story after their sordid affair was that he FORCED himself on her. There were hints and rumors that he had sex with underage girls. His family is pretty well to do and a lot of his crimes, DUIs, arson, contributing to the delinquency of a minor, etc…all seem to magically disappear. I swear he is a pedophile. Now that I’m away and I’ve shared with his exes, we all felt that he would treat us like a 12 year
      old girl or boy when he was attempting to have sex, which really did always feel like he was forcing himself and what we wanted never materialized. And another weird aspect was that he was always telling me stories about how he was approached by gay men. Not once, not twice, but multiple times throughout his life and they always ended in an episode with him getting in trouble, or causing trouble for someone else. But he’s not gay…..Obviously he’s giving off some kind of vibe? Or it was his sick way of hinting that he’s bisexual…I don’t even know what was going on in that brain of his.

  118. Wow this hits home! I am a guy so Im the minority but there are many female narcs out there! Or relationship ended last October. this was my fourth relationship with someone with a personality disorder. I now know the signs and I love myself too much to go through that again. My narc in the last few weeks sent me a text of the orchid plant I bought her last year as well as like a post of mine on a mutual friends face book page and yesterday she sent me a linked in request. Well I deleted it and I did block her finally through Face book. I live in a small town and her brother is my neighbor, so I have to be nice. However I am tired of getting kicked around. To all of you they cannot be fixed and are damaged! You are better off alone trust me! I am in community theater and I am learning guitar, as well as getting involved in church!

    Find your purpose and self worth and do NOT succumb to these people!



  119. There are so many stories on here it is unbelievable. I lived with a total narc for 12 years, got completely demolished. Have had a number of semi-narcissistic relationships since on a much lesser scale, however the last relationship was with a mixture of narc/covert narc. Having had a decent break from such blatant abuse my initial reaction was, “that seems a bit off”, something just seems a bit off with him.
    When the criticisms started I pointed out the first few and said I would let them go, but as things started to escalate, I then felt the criticism start to get under my skin, attacking my self confidence and ability to speak up. I now realise I’d been triggered into my old patterns of behaviour where I have no rights and can’t risk having a voice.
    Complaints began about performance in the bedroom, one time he used a voice that was so toxic I felt the bottom drop out of my stomach, he would stop in the middle of sex if I wasn’t responding how he liked and just roll over and go to sleep. I always being late, not answering text message quickly enough. I lost my job through redundancy – he seemed initially supportive, then started monitoring and commenting on my job applications and efforts, instead of recognising I’m a capable human being able to obtain a job when the right one comes along.
    He had what I consider an inappropriate relationship with his daughter – I have read elsewhere that this is a covert narc trait “to be seemingly incestual – however not actually involving sex”.
    A number of other big things happened – of course because they related to him we just talked them through calmly and rationally – I won’t say we totally agreed, but I’m not obsessed with having to be right, so to me it wasn’t such a big deal.
    The issues really stared to get on top of me, and I couldn’t carry the burden any longer. I sent him a text saying all the things that had been bothering me. At first he appeared supportive, then he minimised what I was saying then he totally flipped it around to suggest I had it completely wrong. Having finally found the courage to speak up it really pissed me off so I stood up for myself. An hour and a half later I got a text saying he hoped I could find someone that could make me happy!!!
    I tried to ring him next day a few times, no answer.
    I waited 2 days then sent a text message saying he had over reacted, that surely we should be able to talk things through. I apologised for dumping 3 issues on him all at once. But the ridiculous thing is he could do that with me and there was no problem.
    The next day I blocked him and did not speak to him for 3 weeks. I did alot of research on being emotionally available, drug taking (yes that was part of his life), alcoholism (he was a heavy drinker). I text him and said I didn’t want to argue, we chatted a little and then he had the audacity to tell me he didn’t want to repeat the abusive relationship he had been in for 18 years. It made me so angry – he had brought in a whole bunch of his baggage, the way he had been speaking to me told me he had done very little work on himself, just left that relationship and waited for time to heal his wounds. I saw read so I sent him a text message the next day outlining a lot of what I had noticed about him. Then I blocked him again. Over the next 6 weeks I sent 2 more messages adding more to my list of his narc personality traits as my research continued. Each time I unblocked and blocked him. I dont know what he ever said to me…. I didn’t care.
    After 2 months he messaged me saying lets get together and talk this through. I was more observant than anything – He told me I looked amazing, and started passionately kissing me. I said I needed to talk. I then heard more criticism, more minimisation, him twisting the truth again.
    I’d been dating him 6 months, the first 3 were amazing, the last 3 were shit. He suggested we could have something casual, while he dates other women too. WTF!!
    I do love him, but I know the situation is hopeless. He’s not prepared to admit to anything or do any work on himself. He suggested we stay friends. I didn’t really see the point. My heart had been ripped out of me, and all I could do was build myself up with websites like this to reinforce what I know is the truth, despite him trying to brainwash me. I’m finally not walking around with a bag of rocks in my stomach, I’ve lost so much weight, no appetite at all, but things are starting to improve.
    I last saw him 2-3 weeks ago, now he’s texting me again, just every so often, but it’s clearly this hoovering that’s being discussed in the blog. He gets his narc supply, because I was always very positive and still am. He wants to keep me on the shelf so if his supply gets low he’s got an “easy target”. So I have just reblocked him on my mobile. Why Bother??? Life is too short to waste on this nonsense. And I still get that “want” to hear from but I know it’s about the fantasy him that he portrayed, and I believe if I had stayed longer things would have got a lot worse. 2 months of basically no contact, except when I wanted him to hear something did me the world of good. No Contact is the only way to go!!
    Stay Strong

  120. I have a question about handling my ex narcissistic boyfriend. I feel like he’s still somehow trying to toy with me but I’m not exactly sure what his stupid game is now. After being hoovered by him five times in the last five months. I know, it’s been once a month where he’ll either pull the silent treatment on me or discard me and then come back to me apologizing that he’s sorry he screwed up. Anyway, my deal breaker finally was discovering that he got engaged to another girl in freakin Canada that he met on an online game app and had been talking to her long distance. He took a trip up there to see her in person for the first time and gets engaged????!!! I’m completely floored about that one. Anyway, I finally told him to literally F… Off. I called him a lying sack a shit who faked his feelings for me and told him that I was done crying over him. Also, he fake futured me as well and I promised him that I was still going to follow through on all the plans he and I made together but with someone else. I was so pissed off and felt like I let him have it good. My complication is that we work in the same company and I’ve been pretty good about concealing my feelings of hurt and embarrassment because everyone at work knows. I’m not worried about a smear campaign because everyone knows he’s a complete douchebag for what he did to me. When I have to run into him I look right through him like he’s invisible and although he’s said to one of my friends that he was the one done with me (because it was all my fault that I ruined everything according to him), I can’t help but get a wierd vibe like it’s not over. Like he might try something but I don’t know what exactly. I just feel like I have to be on guard for some reason. We had a social function at work recently and he knew that I would have to spend a lot more time down in his area. I swear he was trying to make me jealous by openly talking with his “fiance” in my presence or where he knew I would see him. He was all smiles and everything. Although it was painful to see I kept my chin up, ignored him like usual and mingled with all my other co-workers. I would not give him the satisfaction of knowing that this was hurting me. I was and still am seething with anger about the whole situation and that’s good because it’s helping me to stand my ground. Anyway, my question is whether I’m still in danger of possible hoovering and is this another game to see if I still give a crap about him? If he’s so done with me then why does he care? I thought I was safe because after I texted him with my, “I’m done with you” speech, he blocked me on his phone. I guess he didn’t want me to contact him anymore and not that I had any plans to do so anyway but I keep having this nagging feeling. I’ve always been told that you should always go with your gut feeling because that’s usually correct. I was thinking of trying to avoid him completely now. Not just go no contact but no visual as well. I don’t want him to have not even a glimpse of me. What do you think? Is this okay to do or will that only inflame him further and cause problems for me down the road? Really need some advice.

  121. You should take part in a contest for one of the highest quality websites on the web.

    I’m going to recommend this web site!

  122. I found this article for a friend of mine that just found out her BF of the last year was in a relationship with another woman almost the entire time. Turns out after a little research that she discovered he’s an N. I had a brief “relationship” with an N last year (I use that term very loosely). As the daughter of an N who has over the years had a lot of therapy, that relationship didn’t last long (I exited, twice – yea, I know, but live and learn), but I am thankful for the experience because it helped me break a pattern (we’re attracted to what we know) and experiences repeat until the lesson is learned (I hope the lesson was learned LOL, I think it was since I’m the one who walked and haven’t broken “no contact”).

    Anyway, I was trying to give her some tools (books, articles) and during my research last week I had come across this article, among others. In a weird twist of fate, although very much in line with the narcissistic script and modus operendi, I got hoovered a day or two after I found this article. It had been about 6 mos (xmas day I believe) since I’d been hoovered, so I got to give her a real world example, and, at the same time, explain why getting the random text doesn’t make you feel better or good or give you any measure of satisfaction. That she could re-read this article, among others, and understand that that text wasn’t anything but a way to test the waters, see if he could get a response (good or bad) and that not responding is the ONLY option. Because anything otherwise is inviting more heartache and bullshit and fraud and lies. And why would anyone want to allow that toxic crap to continue to permeate their lives?

    The one thing people really need to remember is that Ns don’t change. Patterns don’t lie and leopards don’t change their spots. They reach out because they NEED. Period. Whatever supply you offered will always be attractive to them, and they will always try and tap prior sources. They don’t reach out because they miss you or care or have been enlightened and had some grand epiphany that set them to rights in their minds and hearts (and soul) and NOW they’re going to be that person they pretended to be to hook you. They’re not. They will NEVER be that person. Because that person was and is an illusion. Never be fooled by words. Because I’ll bet everyone here who’s had an experience with an N can attest — actions NEVER matched words. Ever.

    Ns simply do not have the emotional capability or the emotional tools to function in a normal, healthy relationship. They mimic (they’re excellent at mimicking), they can sell themselves to just about everyone, but in the end, when the mask slips, and the fake persona can no longer be maintained (it’s way too much work), what’s underneath is simply a wounded soul with no mechanisms to heal (without extensive therapy and reconditioning). It’s sad, but that’s their lot in life, not yours. We’re all capable of change, but we have to be willing to do the work. Most Ns never seek help, and those that do don’t change much, if at all (mine admitted that he could never go to therapy because he knew how painful it would be). Add addiction on top of that (my ex N – alcohol, my mother – weed) and their ability to function in reality is further marred by substance abuse – numbing out.

    History only repeats if you let it. Remember how you felt when you were in the throes of the N’s hell, the push/pull, the endless promises and plans that NEVER came to pass or to fruition. The professions of love, and “connection” and “I’ve never felt this way before” – that were never meant to be anything but bait to lure you, no matter how sincerely said, or how he looked deep in your eyes when he said it. Even if they were meant in the moments they were said, they weren’t meant to last beyond those moments. Don’t over-romanticize history. Don’t forget how you felt at your worst. Accept the fact that it was all a carefully constructed illusion perpetrated by a master manipulator.

    Never let your guard down. No matter how much time passes. No contact means NO CONTACT. Ever. You owe nothing to anyone but yourself. Remember that.

  123. It has been a year since I got a restraining order against him. We have 2 daughters. He has every other weekend with him and daily phone calls for half hour. He no longer affects me the way he used to. We communicate thru Talking Parents. Even thru this (which can be used in court) his true self shines thru. My worries are now about my girls. They are 7 and 10. He is doing to our oldest the same as he did to me. I need help to help her. Both of my girls are going to therapy every other week. But I feel I will greatly benefit from any readings or suggestions on how to help my oldest.

  124. Hi and thank you for your wonderful articles which have helped me heal and move on.
    Something however has thrown me out of kilter. I was finally discarded 3 months ago after he admitted to being in a relationship ( while still being in one with me). I recently discovered the relationship had ended. A couple of days ago I suddenly received an email from him saying he would like to apologise for the despicable way he treated me; that he was ashamed of himself, that he has had to take a hard look at himself and the way he has treated women. He said he has now taken responsibility for the pain and upset he has caused. Said I was a wonderful trusting loving woman who deserved happiness in life. He wished me a happy life and hoped I would find a wonderful man who would take care of me and treat me with the love and respect I deserve. He ended with “warmest regards”
    Can a narcissist say such things like being ashamed of himself and taking responsibility?
    As he did not want anything from me nor show any interest in getting back into my life, what could these wonderful sounding words mean and what was the purpose of writing them? Not a regular type of hoover. At 65 could he suddenly have developed a conscience or received a flash of enlightenment?
    I went through it all with him – silent treatments, ignoring pleas, cheating, lying, anger and blocking me on fb if I dared say anything.
    But this email sounded like it was written by someone who has some decency in him or someone who has seen the light, with no ulterior motive seeing as he did not try to renew the relationship and ended with ‘regards’.
    He has since blocked me from messaging him.
    I would be very grateful for your view on this as cognitive dissonance has reared it’s head again.

    1. He has found someone new, thats why he has blocked you…he is taking back his words and doesnt want you to be bothering him while he is busy with someone else. Its all a game, when he needs something he will be back. They experience a feeling of “dupers delight”. Everyone else is so gullible and easy to manipulate. You need to move on and find someone who is worth it. Dont give such people the time of day.

  125. Re Hoovering

    Hi Melanie

    i follow your site and posts and are now 6 months ex narc , I however broke no contact 4 weeks ago and contacted him to say that we are at some point going to bump into each other, id said to him i wanted no trouble and knew he didnt need any more with the trouble hes in with the police and courts etc, i was just trying to tell him i would not expose him or talk to people about what he did to me if we saw each other on a night out etc, thinking all this from a point of safety. He final discard to me 6 months ago was that hed played a game with me for 3 years and won, hed never cared about me, i was a fool for trusting him and hed delibrstely tried to infect me with hiv. For 6 months ive shared this to the world and told him i knew what he was! A few days ago i get an email from him asking if id like the pictures hed taken of me and my nan before she died, at first i didnt even dare open his email, and then a few more came saying i was ignorant for not replying to him, i reacted in a cruel and nasty way telling him to delete the pictures and himself off the face of the planet as i am stikl hurting so much, then 2 days ago i think that was harsh as it looks like a kind gesture so i message him and say i was sorry for my nasty email but explain how what he had put me and my family through was so hard to know he never cared for me and the cruel words he said to me at the final discard, he replies back how he had cared for me and that he broke up with me as i was developing a drug habbit with him bringing drugs into my life etc and reason he ended me and him, he then goes on to say hed said all those things to me at the end as he knew id not give up on the relationship, he says they were just words and he didnt mean them.. i think like what, you didnt mean to say you just played a game with me never cared about me, i just existed in your life to feed ur drug habbit, i was ugly and you had been seeing your new partner months before leaving me behind my back, they were just words, all said just so id not try to want to maintain the relationship as you cared about me, i think surely if you cared and wanted to end it even knowing id not want to end it you would of shown me some comfort, maybe said something like he needs help, i need helo lets get the help and maybe come back to each other in the future,,not an admission of never loving me and him playing a game..? From here he telks me he doesnt have a new bf, he says hes had no sex with anyone since we had it last. So i now think is this hoovering whats happened, or is his agenda to make me think ohh he cared hes not a sociopath in the hope i stop telling the world he is one, could this just be his aim and the manipulation really not sure, but i know he doesnt want me back and he knows im well read on pycopaths so wondering what this is, hoovering, ? Manipulation or quite what.. ??

  126. OMG, this sounds like my husband. My husband an I have been together for 13 years and he is constantly flirting online and in clubs with women. When I address these issues he tells me that I’m childish and that his flirting means nothing because he is not cheating. This has been going on for years but I’ve had enough and told him that if he can’t respect me the way I respect him than I want a divorce. His response was that he is a 98 percent and any woman would give their right leg to be in the situation that I’m in with him. I’ve found a pic of him and a woman and he has also flirted with a bartender in front of and it was so embarrassing because my best friend was also there. His response was that it didn’t happen the way I saw it. So there are no apologies and if I do get one its always followed with a but after he completely tries to justify his actions first. If I do not give into to these games then he says that I’m always living in the past and what we are arguing about is childish and stupid. I have a traumatic childhood and somehow this always end up in the conversation when I’m addressing his flirtatious actions. Wow, I’m glad that I found this site.

  127. Recently Ive had a narcissistic ex friend surface back into my life after 2 years of no contact. We parted on a bad note. She flew into a narcissistic rage after I simply commented that she often cant make up her mind. That was enough of a trigger to have her spew incredible amounts of rage that were out of proportion to what I had said. (But I also suspect that she was feeling massive amounts of envy leading up to this incident after finding out that I will be getting married) After she tried to put me down in every imaginable way, I told her that my life will be better and I proceeded to block her from contacting me. During this time I got married and moved out of state. I also changed my cell phone number.

    As soon as I moved, my family back home began receiving private phone calls on their landline on an almost daily basis and at all hours of the day. My mother felt right away that it was my past friend. I knew something wasnt right, that she was extremely angry and most likely stalking me. Every time I posted a new profile photo on Facebook, my mother would receive multiple private calls for that whole week. Upon picking up the phone, no one would answer. Until about two months ago, when my ex friend pretended to be calling from a survey agency, asking if I was available to talk…and upon receiving the answer that im not there…she even had the guts to ask my mother if I live there. Now, no telemarketer will pose that question and it is irrelevant.
    My mom told her that I dont live there and it was the answer that she was looking for…. in order to start harassing my husband online. I believe that the reason she had to confirm that I dont live there was to check if im not lying about my whereabouts and also to keep herself safe. She probably was worried about me paying a visit to her family and telling them about her behavior.

    Soon after that phone call, she surfaced up online, writing my husband endless messages about how I am a psychopath, a backstabber, a prostitute, etc. Using the most vile words and even giving her email, in hopes that my husband will be eager and willing to discuss his marriage with her. She also began twisting what I had previously said to make me sound evil, all the while posing as a victim. Whats surprising is that she begged my husband to leave me and sent photos of me when I was a teenager, photos of me with my ex boyfriends. (I dont know why she kept those photos…I never sent them to her…she saved them front my Myspace page a decade ago.) Eventually she realized that she wont sway my husband’s opinion, stating that I had “brainwashed” him.

    All of this creeped me out and I have been diligent at keeping NO CONTACT with her. My husband is surprised that there are such people out there as he has never encountered anyone like her before.

    Now she mentioned that the reason for her contact was due to a past friend of mine telling her that I negatively commented on her family. She never mentioned which friend or what I had supposedly said. I believe that the real reason she did this is due to pure envy. She knows my husband is in the process of becoming a doctor. She doesnt want me to enjoy my life, doesnt want me to be happy. Its scary….similar to what individuals experience when they win the lottery. In her mind, I had won the lottery in having good luck and she tried so desperately to jeopardize my life! I am appalled because she kept calling my mother’s phone number back home…KNOWING that she was trying to hurt her daughter…..KNOWING that in hurting me she will be hurting my family. Its unbelievably disgusting. I simply wish that she finds a new source of narcissistic supply, as in a new friend or a boyfriend…I hope she begins to have a life of her own, with her own personal issues to focus on instead of keeping tabs on my life.

    I dont understand this envy…as one of her own sisters is married to a doctor and her whole family sees them as the main happiness in their life. My family has always struggled and they see my marriage in the same light. My family wants me to be happy and they know that my happiness will also be their happiness. So in essence, this is her going against my family and trying to not only hurt me but them as well!

    We all need to be very careful about what sort of people we allow into our lives. I have been staying away from everyone for some time now, simply focusing on creating my new life. To be on the receiving end of an envious individual is incredibly horrendous. Such people need to learn to manage their envy and work on themselves instead of displacing it on others.

    For now I dont know what will happen next. Maybe this is her cooling off period, before she goes on another rampage or maybe she will rationalize this as a win on her part since there is no contact from my side. I dont know what to expect with such deranged personalities.

  128. Thank you for your knowledge and wisdom presented in this article. I felt greatly helped by it, where I can see my addiction to my N. was about my early injuries and that the only way I could let go of him was to heal and address with compassion my own pain.

  129. I have been dealing with narcissistic people one who is hovering as we speak. Your article has opened my eyes and I feel more aware of what is happening in my life now. Any advice on how to deal with this would be appreciated thank you so very much now I feel more in control.

  130. I have broken free of a narcissist husband and am in the legal process of divorce. We have a three year old who spends almost 50% time with my ex. Prior to the separation he spent little time with our child. I have watched my ex use all of these same tactics with our toddler and am fearful for our child and fearful he is attempting to alienate our child from me. This person is great at performing for others and has abundant financial resources. Currently in mediation for child custody which is traumatic every time. I believe my ex has another supply, I’m hoping it’s not our child. From discussions with my lawyer our local courts give 50/50 custody in almost every case. Looking for advice on navigating this situation. How do you limit contact and protect your child in this situation?


  132. I married a narcissist almost 4 years ago and could not see the level of abuse I was under at the time! She is currently on her 4th relationship second divorce and had 4 children with 4 different men! I’m the last thank God! It started out with me taking my daughter on vacation and her going to the bar while I was gone and having sex with her ex! She told me the gritty details of that night and told me that she didn’t know who the father of our child was! It was the most devastating thing that’s ever happened to me and was the end of our relationship! Still to this day she takes absolutely no responsibility for that and says it’s ok because we weren’t together! Now the baby turned out to be mine so I fought for us to make it work! I took her to a sexual abuse specialist years ago in hope of her dealing with her absolutely tragic issues and at the end of the third session he told me that she was a narcissist and that she was not capable of dealing with her abuse issues and she would always be this way. He told me to get as far away from her as I could because in the end it would be very bad for me! I thought I could save her and how couldn’t she see things based on looking at her life with all these different men! In the end I’ve always been a useless looser and always will be to her! It’s either she tells me how much she loves me and when she loves me it’s amazing but the other side is when she doesn’t get her way exactly how she wants it she hates me more than the man who raped her as a child! That pretty much sums up my life for the last 8 years and it’s sad! The thing that hurts the most is knowing that I’ve become just as verbally abusive as she is and that’s not who I am! When I truly look at the things she has said to me that are just the most hurtful evil things anyone could say or do! I see that she needs help and I’m not upset with her! I’m truly upset with myself that I’ve allowed myself to be treated this way for all these years and she has never shown an ounce of remorse! I actually spoke to an ex of mine after she signed the papers for divorce and she told me that I was never that way with her and never once called her out of her name! That I was a good person and that someone will see my worth and love me the way I deserve to be loved! It truly made me look and I noticed that when I met her she told me she was leaving her ex because he was so verbally abusive to her! I see now that it’s her that is the abusive one and says and does the most outrageous things to hurt and make you feel like you mean absolutely nothing to her! I’m just looking forward to moving on with my life without her and all the deep and horrible abuse but what I really want to figure out is why I ever allowed myself to be treated this way from the start! Just last week she got me a amazing anniversary gift that truly made me cry but this week she hates me more than the man who raped her! That is the last 8 years of my life! I will always be the issue and she will always need control and need to put me down! As painful as the loss of a marriage is and the dreams of growing old together are crushed! I’m always the one fighting and she’s always either going out if her way to show me how much she loves me and then going out of her way to show me I mean absolutely nothing to her! I deserve someone that’s willing to fight with me not against me and put me down! She has taken all of my money and let all my bills go unpaid! She stayed out several nights getting drunk and you see above what happened last time! I see now that thinking that she is capable of taking responsibility for anything she has done is just not possible! So she will go to the next man and tell him how verbally abusive I was and get him to feel so bad for her because she is such an amazing sweet kind person! He will be just like the rest of us in her path of destruction because she will not look at herself and deal with the one thing thats holding her back in life! It’s sad and I’m not angry but hurt yes! In the end I know I’m better off without her and I’m ready to move on with my life! I know now that I will never let someone treat me this way ever again! I see a lot of women on here talking about men all the time but there are women who are just as abusive! I have become her and the difference is that I can admit that and I’m willing to look at it and heal! I truly wish her the best despite all the evil and pray that somehow she will be able to look at things so my son will not be subjected to this forever!

  133. I married a narcissist almost 4 years ago and could not see the level of abuse I was under at the time! She is currently on her 4th relationship second divorce and had 4 children with 4 different men! I’m the last thank God! It started out with me taking my daughter on vacation and her going to the bar while I was gone and having sex with her ex! She told me the gritty details of that night and told me that she didn’t know who the father of our child was! It was the most devastating thing that’s ever happened to me and was the end of our relationship! Still to this day she takes absolutely no responsibility for that and says it’s ok because we weren’t together! Now the baby turned out to be mine so I fought for us to make it work! I took her to a sexual abuse specialist years ago in hope of her dealing with her absolutely tragic issues and at the end of the third session he told me that she was a narcissist and that she was not capable of dealing with her abuse issues and she would always be this way. He told me to get as far away from her as I could because in the end it would be very bad for me! I thought I could save her and how couldn’t she see things based on looking at her life with all these different men! In the end I’ve always been a useless looser and always will be to her! It’s either she tells me how much she loves me and when she loves me it’s amazing but the other side is when she doesn’t get her way exactly how she wants it she hates me more than the man who raped her as a child! That pretty much sums up my life for the last 8 years and it’s sad! The thing that hurts the most is knowing that I’ve become just as verbally abusive as she is and that’s not who I am! When I truly look at the things she has said to me that are just the most hurtful evil things anyone could say or do! I see that she needs help and I’m not upset with her! I’m truly upset with myself that I’ve allowed myself to be treated this way for all these years and she has never shown an ounce of remorse! I actually spoke to an ex of mine after she signed the papers for divorce and she told me that I was never that way with her and never once called her out of her name! That I was a good person and that someone will see my worth and love me the way I deserve to be loved! It truly made me look and I noticed that when I met her she told me she was leaving her ex because he was so verbally abusive to her! I see now that it’s her that is the abusive one and says and does the most outrageous things to hurt and make you feel like you mean absolutely nothing to her! I’m just looking forward to moving on with my life without her and all the deep and horrible abuse but what I really want to figure out is why I ever allowed myself to be treated this way from the start! Just last week she got me a amazing anniversary gift that truly made me cry but this week she hates me more than the man who raped her! That is the last 8 years of my life! I will always be the issue and she will always need control and need to put me down! As painful as the loss of a marriage is and the dreams of growing old together are crushed! I’m always the one fighting and she’s always either going out if her way to show me how much she loves me and then going out of her way to show me I mean absolutely nothing to her! I deserve someone that’s willing to fight with me not against me and put me down! She has taken all of my money and let all my bills go unpaid! She stayed out several nights getting drunk and you see above what happened last time! I see now that thinking that she is capable of taking responsibility for anything she has done is just not possible! So she will go to the next man and tell him how verbally abusive I was and get him to feel so bad for her because she is such an amazing sweet kind person! He will be just like the rest of us in her path of destruction because she will not look at herself and deal with the one thing thats holding her back in life! It’s sad and I’m not angry but hurt yes! In the end I know I’m better off without her and I’m ready to move on with my life! I know now that I will never let someone treat me this way ever again! I see a lot of women on here talking about men all the time but there are women who are just as abusive! I have become her and the difference is that I can admit that and I’m willing to look at it and heal! I truly wish her the best despite all the evil and pray that somehow she will be able to look at things so my son will not be subjected to this forever!

  134. I’ve only dated narcissists. But no more! I am done with giving them my love. I am beginning with giving love to myself! Woohoo!

  135. Hi Melanie

    I have been in a relationship with a man on and off for 18 months. Off being three times I broke it off with him die to cheating, mistreatment, neglect, emotional and verbal abuse and recently I broke it off with him for good the 4th time as the abuse escalated to physical abuse. I was kicked 4 times on the floor, pulled up by my hair to stand up and then left on the side of the street in the middle of the night shaking in fear. He had cheated on me with other women many times with numerous women. He didn’t take me out in public to public events or parties with his friends, always saying we should not mix work and pleasure. He yelled and shamed me in front of his kid many times. He never wanted me to meet his family, never introduced me to many of his friends, didn’t even bother to tell me to this day not invite me to his daughter’s baptism – his daughters who I had been very kind to and made an effort to build a relationship with. He would never be on time for me, always late by at least 30 minutes, sometimes by up to an hour. But with his friends he was always punctual, maybe 10 minutes late and he would text them. He wouldn’t text me to let me know he would be late – 5 min would easily roll into 1 hour and when confronted he would get mad. Many people didn’t know about me, I felt like this kept secret sitting in his home, only a few people knew. There was a concert here that was held that I really wanted to see if Elton John, and he wouldn’t invite me though he had a table booked under his name and I am sure he once again took someone else with him.
    When we were in Japan he left me alone in the middle of the city on my own after he woke up in a bad mood, blamed me for waiting around for him, and after I went to get him coffee. In Korea he yelled and screamed at me for waking up his beauty sleep in the wee hours. I yelled back that I had gotten up as quiet as a mouse so I could edit his presentation for him. And his presentation – I did so much work for him beyond what my job description entailed, and he never said thank you, only “it’s your job”.
    In Spain he would mock me in front of his friends with snide side comments. He would act all charming and kind to his friends and shouted at me when it was just the two of us. When we drove to Spain he wouldn’t stop for me to grab a bite to eat until I was on a complete sugar low, and even then he said “get out” to go and get my own food from the store. And then twenty minutes later he decided to stop for sex. I had to beg him for 1 hour 30 minutes to do something what a normal friend would do, but sex he was willing to stop.
    His previous wives he looked after financially and lived with him. His previous girlfriend lived with him, never worked, He looked after her and he introduced to his family over Christmas. I have never lived with him, he was always so cheap with me – he would pay for me in public restaurants and purchased a pair of shoes in front of his friends to not embarrass himself. I never wanted to be seen as a gold digger as I truly cared about him, but I always felt so unfairly treated compared to his previous wives girlfriend or daughters. He bought his 15 year old daughter a Rolex. He never bought me a nice gift – only once a pair of louboutins which for that Christmas he was going to leave me at home, out of guilt he returned and then left to shag other people for New Years in Switzerland and didn’t invite me with.
    In the end I was going to move into his place – for which he was charging me rent which was half my salary. I tried to negotiate with him but he wouldn’t compromise, and once I had all my things in the apartment he treated me like shit – yelled at me over the phone, threatened to not pay me for a professional project, told me not to go into the garden, told me to sleep on the couch, didn’t let me outside his living room and was a completely crazy Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde.
    I suddenly clicked and said that’s it. I packed my stuff moved out. I was so scared but I knew I wanted out. I refused to contact him via phone as I didn’t want to be yelled at again and again. He threatens to not pay me for a project which I had to go to his director and ask to be paid – which reflects terribly on him for mixing professional and personal particularly in his first year of the position.
    There were so many more stories. So many things he would yell at me: stop this stop that you’re such a student you’re 12 years old your friends are crazy you have psychological problems you are so dependant … Etc etc. The emotional scars are heavy, when I left him I went to stay with a friend who was shocked at how traumatized I was. I didn’t even realize how traumatized I had become. My boss and many friends had picked up on it. My mum has been amazing throughout this difficult time. I am so happy to have their support.
    I’ve had to start from scratch again rethink my life through. It’s been so hard to know that the man who I loved so much and who I prioritized and accommodated all the time, forgave all the time, made excuses for all the time, was so kind to all the time, the one who I have my best self to would treat me this badly, there is nothing that can reverse it. I wish I hadn’t attracted such a man. I know I am beautiful, intelligent, charmkng. I work hard in my personal and professional goals, I tried to make this work, I fell in love with this man – before I had never loved someone this much not even close, I guess I was a bit of a late bloomer. I lost all self confidence with this man. I felt like I didn’t know how to talk to people anymore, constantly frightened and dealing with a lot of anxiety. It’s been hard.
    He has now been trying to call me. And each time I think about the past my chest physically hurts with so much pain, I cry with sadness and disappointment thinking of all the memories. I wake up with a pain in my chest. I wish I could erase everything and go back to how I was before – happy, healthy, living for me, and going on dates with normal people.
    Is there a way to cut him out of my life for good? And what does he want? Why does he keep coming back? Does he not realize how much damage and pain he has caused? Does he not have any human kindness in him?

    1. No because the only one he cares about is him. I’ve gone through a similar experience. He’s a pathological liar, a con man, a thief, and generally crazy. My experience is at the bottom. I’m trying to No Contact him now and it’s really hard but I’m determined not to let this P.O.S. ruin my life.

  136. I just ended a five year relationship with my ex, who is a narcissist. It blows my mind how everyone here has similar stories. The only time he cared was when I would break off our relationship. And as you stated and everyone else has stated, he would turn into the boyfriend of my dreams. He would buy me expensive gifts, treat us to expensive dinners, and do things that I wanted to do. But it was always short lived and he would return to his old cold, mean, and selfish self in no time. We’ve been broken up for almost a week now and I’m trying to do that “cut all ties” thing but it’s was so hard when he’s offering to buy things that I need and I can’t afford at this moment. He’s also been telling me everything I’ve been wanting to hear “you’re the one I want. I want to marry you one day.” After reading this article and all the comments under this post, I know I have to be strong and just completely ignore him. Thank you for this wonderful post. I hope more people can begin healing, I know I am.

  137. I was hoovered back in, seen out in public with him having a good time, took pictures and posted them to social media. I know regret–should I have them taken down?

  138. I just stumbled across your post/article. I have been in a less than healthy relationship for over 12 years of my life (just made 9 yrs of marriage in October). Reading this is the first time I’ve realized why I have never been able to break free from my partner for all of these years. As I read each section a memory would pop into my head of how he “hoovered” me, going all the way back to the first month we began dating. I’m disgusted to realize that I have allowed myself to be dragged through such agonizing hell for so many years thinking that somewhere inside of him he does really love me…despite the physical, mental, emotional, and financial abuse.
    I actually finally became so fed up with what my spouse has not only been putting me through, but now our 3 small kids, that I filed a temporary restraining order. I did this only a day ago and have felt absolutely horrible about it even knowing that I should have filed for this years ago. I had to disguise my pain today during a birthday party that I was attending with my boys as my spouse texted me “I’m ready for that divorce” “You’re the only person I could name as someone to talk to, to keep myself from relapsing, but instead you go from my wife that I loved and the only person that can help me to my worst enemy” then more texts came “I’m getting ready to go crash a wedding and release a little stress” “heading to wedding. Phone going dead so I’m turning it off.”. It took everything in me to not show my pain in front of my kids and an entire birthday party full of people. The point is, he got me hook line and sinker, I’m hurt right now, extremely hurt! The tpo was not a step to not be with my spouse anymore but to help my spouse get better. He has a prescription drug addiction (legal and illegal) and he checked himself out of rehab after only 7 days. The tpo was to protect my boys and myself until my spouse can show that he truly has stopped using pills. My spouse knows what hurts me most, he wants me to think he will cheat on me tonight, which he may and that he hates me. He actually tells me more in our marriage that he hates me than he loves me, so in the text saying he loved me hurt even more b/c I never hear it. Fortunately, I caught on to a little bit of what he was doing and kept my responses very minimal and not emotionally driven , I didn’t even respond to the wedding and turning phone off texts…I was very proud of myself. But I really wanted to and still want to respond to the texts and everything he said is tearing me up.
    I know now after reading through this entire article that not responding is probably my best bet but I’m struggling. He knows that as long as the kids are with me he has nothing to worry about as to what or where I am (he wouldn’t even if the kids were not with me), he’s got me right where he wants me in order to antagonize me with the suggestive texts. I know he will never change and he has only gotten worse with time, not better. Everything I read in the article is spot on him but I still can’t stop thinking about him. I feel like a slave to his sick problem and I want to break free but I can’t no matter how hard I try to, the minute I think I’m strong enough to break completely free he reals me back in. It doesn’t help that he knows all of my weaknesses and insecurities and that I just want to be loved and I can’t stand for anyone to be made or disappointed in me or hurt by me. I’m mentally and emotionally spent and I just don’t know what else I can do to keep myself from caving in. There’s still a very tiny part of my heart and mind that think maybe he will change and that he does love me and I’m scared I will be by myself after 12+ years of being with him.
    I’m having a lot of self esteem issues right now; my weight is way heavier than usual, my skin is beginning to look aged from all of the stress I’ve been going through, I’m not as attractive as I used to be, I’m getting older, I have 3 kids – who would be interested in me? and even if someone does become interested, I don’t know if I will ever feel trusting and “safe” because of all the damage my one and only really relationship in my life has put me through.
    Please help me break through this ridiculously ugly cycle. I need help with how to get my mind off of being so affected by the “hoovering”, I don’t want to dragged around like a rag doll anymore. For the sake of my sanity and my kids growing up in a healthy environment, please, if you can, please offer some help.

    1. Wow, I guess she did look up narcissistic personality disorder but instead turned it around on me. It took me about 8 years to finally figure out what she had. We first thought it was a thyroid problem. She even though it may be a little bit of Bipolar because it runs in her family. We first lived together in New Orleans. I always had a job and always paid the bills. I owned my own house and started a business. But one day the company I worked for went out of business so I had to move out of town for work while she stayed and ran the business. She started hanging out with her young employees going out drinking on bourbon street every night. I wasn’t gone 2 weeks and found out she was cheating on me. I imediatly put my house and business up for sale to move permanently. She wanted to stay and live in my house for free. I said no you can find a job and get an apartment with your friends. I packed my things and moved 2 hours away. She followed me and I reluctantly allowed her. She got a job running her family business and begged me to come work for her. I said no at first because I had a good job but I was introduced to pain pills on that job. So trying to get away from the pills I went to work for her. She also introduced me to Adderall. So for the last 7 years I’ve been addicted. A few years ago she fired me from my job for no reason. I have not been able to find a new job. I checked myself into rehab and not being able to deal with the depression checked myself out. I missed my wife and kids. Before I could get home she filled a false restraining order against me. She lied to the police and told them I was going to hurt her when I got home. So Was now homeless and still couldn’t see my 3 boys. I had to go to my mother’s house in Mississippi. Just so happens, my step sister was getting married. I told her how depressed I was and was going to the wedding to try and take my mind off of everything. The problem here is, I should have divorced her before we had children. I will not now because I’m scared to leave them with her alone. I see how she treats them when I’m here, I can’t imagine what she would do to them if I were gone. I’ll never leave because I love my boys more than I hate my wife. I take them every where with me. I take them to the Dr. If they need to go because she won’t. And no matter how bad she makes me look, I will deal with it. Good luck everyone that is stuck in one of these relationships. My best advice is if don’t have kids get out quick and move far away.

    2. stay strong hunny, based off of the fact that he stalked your post and tried to humiliate you I think you are spot on. I hope you have gotten away from him by now and I hope you haven’t looked back.

  139. I’m ashamed to say that I met this guy 5 years ago when I was 73. I looked good for my age but he was really interested in my money. He always told me he didn’t want a relationship but always turned up especially when he needed money for anything , drugs or alcohol. He even told me he loved me but was not in love with me. ??? I was very vulnerable and he knew just how to get me. He took me for money, trashed my car. It took me 4 years to get back financially and finally get a car again. He never cared if I might be evicted or not be able to pay my bills or get food. He was on probation for 5 years and I paid his fine so he was free. He would call but started a vaping business which he’s had for 3 years. He had a successful painting business and a computer business before, both of which he got tired of and dropped. He’s been arrested at least 50 times from everything from DUI to grand larceny. He told me he was really too busy to email me all the time but kept telling me he cared about me, to stay in touch all the time, and that he thought about me a lot. He was finally going to call me (he closed 2 stores and just has the one), but I told him not to because my son was with me. He said emails were fine for now. I didn’t hear from him for awhile and finally asked him what was happening. I get an email from this person saying she was his live in girl friend and he told her I was a customer who has a little crush on him. I don’t believe he has a girl friend, I believe it was him trying to rile me. They don’t last long that’s for sure. I lasted about 2 years but then he needed me for money during that time. Then he tells me he told me he wanted to be friends,. Needless to say he never told me any such thing. He’s a pathological liar and some of his stories were really something. He actually believes the stuff he says and even if he never did say it he still thinks he did. He’s a total nutcase. I believe he’s a narcissist. Do you think so? He did a job on me and I’m so thankful you are here to help me. I don’t want him and I want to be free. Do you think he’ll eventually be back? I want to ignore him and be rid of him. Thanks. Anne

    1. Do not feel ashamed you met this person at 73. If anything it is a positive you didn’t have to deal with this insanity until later in life. Before I met my ex I honestly did not know people like this existed. I had never encountered someone who can say I want you to be the mother of my children and then a few days later rape you in a motel room. That is what my ex did a month into our relationship. Then he cried for himself saying “I can’t believe I did that. I have to go to the police and say I raped my girlfriend.” I was traumatized and confused but I still knelt down next to him and comforted him. It is so sick and twisted it is still hard to wrap my head around. After that day I saw the world differently and I haven’t been able to not walk around pissed off, scared, not trusting anyone, etc. I feel like I am walking around in someone else’s skin. I think it is trauma related. I veered off the purpose of this reply: I want you to know I am out there in the same world as you – praying for you to have peace and heal, cheering for you, and wishing you all the best. Alesha

  140. Hi Melanie,

    I am 38 years old female and trying to move on with my life after being a victim of a narcissistic colleague. This person blinded me for the last 4 years. Blinded me because for 4 years, he communicates with me everyday, trying to get his daily supply while I fell hard for him for giving me “attention”. 3 months ago, another female colleague who he knew for just 3 months made her his girlfriend. I was devastated. I confessed how I felt for him. And he brushed off my emotions. From that day on, I stop communicating with him. The first few weeks were so hard because I get to see him at work everyday but I try my best to ignore him. It was even harder because I see both of them in plain sight for the whole day. This narcissistic guy sensed that I had been ignoring and brushing him off as much as I can. And I hate that he “reaches out” talking to me when I had been so cold to him already. His text messages to me just so he could start small talk were all ignored. I had been thinking, when he was with his girlfriend already before I cut him off, he was still communicating and flirting with me. Could it be that he had plans to keep me on the sidelines to keep him entertained while he committed to another? Why? Can he not get his supply from his girlfriend already? I am having a hard time, Melanie. I want to move on, but how can I do that when this person tries his best to talk to me even if he senses that I never want anything to do him anymore. He abused me and was indifferent to me before i detached from him. And here he is now, meek as a cat. I am confused. I caught him a number of times glancing at me. Tell me, how do I move forward from this abuser who I see everyday and reaching out to me for supply? Thank you so much Melanie and I hope to hear from you soon.

  141. After the needed contact was done. Family business. Went little and then “no contact”. Didn’t like that at all.
    Ramped up the ploys to get contact. Using his family and other ties with false manipulative strategies of wanting to see me etc.
    Then I shut him totally out. WOW-feel so much better. It’s obvious that he and his family just wanted something from me-$ and possessions. What a joke. Can see right through it. Do it for yourself-you will heal. Cut them out like a tumor. Free yourself for life.

  142. I find this article quite anecdotal and inaccurate. I know Narcissistic Personality Disorder very well – I was adopted into a family with a Narcissistic mother at age 14 and was out of there by 17; I had to deal with the perplexion and confusion for the next 13 years until I finally figured out why these people who spent so much money to adopt me were always attacking my reputation and pulling the rug out from under me.

    I understand that a NPD partner is different than an NPD parent, there are a lot more variables at play.

    However many of the things mentioned in this article are not solely to narcissism or the personality disorder. It is not uncommon for people, after a breakup and time of silence, to want to reach out to their former partner. After all, you fell in love for a reason, usually especially in cohabiting relationships you not only lose your partner but also a best friend. You may not want the relationship back (after all it’s called a break up because it’s broken) but missing that person’s company can leave a hole in your soul.

    I for one do not at all subscribe to the “No Contact” dogma, unless violence or threats of violence or abuse are involved. I am friends with most of my ex-girlfriends going back 20 years. My friendships with them vary in intensity. This doesn’t make me a narcissist. It makes me human.

    Going no contact with a true clinically diagnosed person with narcissist personality disorder is the only real way to protect yourself from emotional harm. I just find this article to make so many anecdotal inferences that almost any “nice person” trying to reach out to an ex could get swept up in your diagnosis.

    The key to NPD is the complete lack of empathy and taking joy from others’ pain. An ex reaching out to you because they miss you or want to reconnect is not in and of itself a sign of NPD – it is actually a sign of empathy.

    Your article reminds me of the way modern western psychological dogma is pushing us into a throwaway culture when it comes to people. Perhaps the people spouting this dogma should try living in a small ( <30,000 pp) town for 5 or ten years. You learn a real sense of community in places like that, and you can't just throw people away and discard them like a plastic bag.

  143. My my. Not anyone’s fault but all I heard is about this “guy”. Does anyone know how much more a woman can behave like this!? I’ve had one in my life for 5 years…absolute disaster of a human being. More manipulative than any man probably could ever be smart enough for. Complete destruction of me and my relationship with my daughter from another woman. I’m trying to pick yo the pieces as the hoovering continues daily. I’m married technically to this viper and she sends me her match.com login lol. Who does that? Just saying, let’s not forget about the men out there that run into these nasty people too.

  144. I don’t know whether this is a hovering technique or plain punishment, but the narc I once knew – now that it is over and I am trying to maintain now contact – is definitely trying to pull-off something I cant quite get my head around; he changed his number “assuming this is for the best for both of us” yet he unblocks me on some social media knowing I can see his pics and a sweet messages he posted “forget the past, focus on future”, “no such thing as perfect age to marry, just the right person” sort of messages.

  145. I just got hoovered and sucked back in after my ex girlfriend left me for a drug dealer she was “crazy” about. Then after he cheated multiple times she began the hoover. I saw it coming and thought I was strong enough to appreciate the validation and not give in but next thing I know she’s in front of me with tears and I cave like a house of cards. I felt like a failure for caving. I did tell her I love her but don’t trust her and she was gonna have to work on that before I actually got back with her but I’m going to continue to work on myself. I identified why I failed and will be talking with my therapist in the morning about over coming those issues.

  146. The narcissist I knew still tries to hoover me. I have not seen him for 6 months but he still texts me with loving , little messages how he misses me and how he wishes we were still together. I will never relent and answer he texts because that man put me through so much pain and anquish he almost destroyed me. The lies, the other women, the online harem, the emotional abuse I could not take anymore. I have gotten away from that circus and fully intend to stay away. He is not my reality never was and never will be. Peace and love to all who are dealing with these predators. Mel xx

  147. my ex (Creepin jesus) of 11 years was all of the above and more ,my dad used to call him ‘Home devil , street angel ,and i wont go into it ,it would take too long ,ill be fossilized by the time im done .
    but one thing i will say ,,they should bottle him for science ,cause hes the best at selling anything to anyone ,his own mother warned me over and over yet i thought they just didnt like each other ,and that to me was my biggest red flag ,yet i chose to ignore it ,got me no where ,
    my advice ,love changes its value as you get older ,wether it be to love more or to back away ,hindsight’sa brilliant thing in a perfect world.

  148. Hey, this is one of the best articles I’ve read on this subject. Only recently, after a break up that happened at the end of last year (almost a month ago) was I able to put together the pieces. Now I suppose he’s a narcissist and has NPD, even if I’m not 100% sure about it.

    Initially, the romance phase was really thrilling, and I was made to feel like I were the center of his world. The moment he realised that I loved him a lot, things turned upside down Overnight! Zero contact. (it was an LDR) and when I demanded why he made no time for me but always had time to update social media, he made me apologise for ‘not understanding him’, since then the cycle of on and off relationship started.

    I always suspected that he was involved with one or more women. Every time, he’d be able to somehow sense that I’d got really fed up and decided to leave, he’d somehow come back with an immediate sweet text out of the blue, convincing me to stay. Those continuous on and off cycles made me really mad!

    Till the end of last year, I was blind, and that’s when I accidentally realised that one of those women I suspected him to be involved with had posted something saying “my better half”. I contacted her immediately to come to know that he was in a live-in relationship with her for a few years and that they’d gotten married a few months ago!

    It was a terrible shock for both of us, and when we confronted him, he seemed to only be upset because we found out the truth. Otherwise he seemed barely affected and even showed zero signs of shame. I suspect that he has had bad childhood experiences from some of his posts. She (his present wife) agrees that she’s never seen him empathising with anyone but himself. Almost all his posts would have an ‘I – me – myself’ streak or there would be hate in some form – hate towards the government, some movie, the society or his childhood occasionally. He used to hates it when I would suggest that he see a psychologist. Any post demeaning male chauvinists, he’d think I posted it to particularly insult him. And on the day of the confrontation, he blatantly lied to his wife in front of me that he never loved me, that he never… Forget it!

    The fact that he lied to me on my face was enough to throw him out of my mind. Healing was pretty fast because self respect (for me and any woman) matters the most to me. I can’t bear to see any man using emotional abuse to keep a lady his slave! My friends and workload kept my mind far away from him. In fact I was very happy and relieved to know the truth that he was a liar. I’ll never want to be involved with one. I know that it isn’t so easy for the wife to leave him. Her state worries me but she claims to be fine. And he shows zero signs of guilt or feeling bad!

    Sounds like NPD? Please tell me so I can inform her.

    And he’s now back. He has unblocked me only recently. By mistake (I’d clicked on the wrong name) I sent him a funny text. The next day there’s this reply “wt*. Who’s this?”

    He hardly ever said sorry to me. Rude messages were always the bait because I’d get angry and respond in the past, so he’s trying the same with me to get me to React. He uses the f-word knowing very well that I hate it (I used to tell him in the past to not use such nasty words).

    His wife and I can bet that he knows I’m the one using that number and still he asks “who’s this?”. So far, I haven’t responded but I’ve changed my DP and he can now see my face (even this is counted as a Reaction for N’s?) I haven’t blocked him on purpose as I want to inform her the moment he makes any contact with me, to simply keep her warned from my end because he’s a pro liar!

    So what should I do from my end? I’ve not even checked his message or opened the chat window. I only saw the notification. But I can bet my life that he’ll not only keep poking me indirectly (to evenings worst posts and demeaning ones, I don’t react at all these days) but also come back again and again. It could either be a few days later or months later, but I’m sure he will!

    What must I do? Not even check any of his messages? (note: I’m not curiously waiting for any. I don’t want any contact from him, but he will keep coming back, I know from experience.) help, please?

  149. Melanie,

    I recently was hoovered after I found out he was seeing someone else and we broke up in November. I was devastated, literally sick and lost 15 klbs in a month. I realize I have abandonment issues. Before the break up he would triangulate me with his dead girlfriend. Long story short, he came back January 1, 2017 in full force. More loving than before and apologizing for all the hurt but explaining it was never his intention to cheat. He bought me pearls from Tiffany’s on our first meeting that he brought his daughter to. He bought me a new stove ( i am not one to even want or accept gifts but wanted to see if he really was doing this or waiting for me to refuse gift, like I would normally do) then after 15 days proposed with a beautiful diamond. He bought a puppy too ( like having a kid together) Now, 2 weeks later he is cold, distant and triangulating with the girl he saw ( just “accidentally” mentions her name.) He went to counseling with me before the distance started. I am not even happy with him but fear the discard! Why on earth would he go to these lengths????? Why not just move on and find a new girl?? I had just began to feel good again and life was going great.

  150. Loved that one email you got from that lady on hovering and her translation. That is an instant classic as far as I am concerned!!

    I am curious as to something. With my narc, I sometimes, knowing they are like this due to their past and the fact they made me happy for some time (in the love bomb phase) and other times.
    1 thing I wonder, is I seemed to notice each cycle got slightly owrst then the one before, is this always the case?

    But I am also wondering, co narcs (this one was clearly covert and the altrusitc covert narc) actually literally TELL you they are narcs while you don’t listen to their warnings? I don’t mean manipulative actions , but the fact they sometimes come right out and tell you, of course then they contradict it to make you think it is just kind of there. but I will give you some examples and would like someone’s honest opinon.

    Shortly after I first met them, over facebook they had received a gift from someone, a surprise and on her post she got off to a good start, giving a shout out to them, but the 2nd part was a funny way of saying something but now in retrospect I wonder and here is the statmen she put on facebook:

    Picture posted of said gift (PIC): Thank you so much (whatever their name was), I really like this, thank you so much. Being a really great friend to people pays off (may have said really pays off).
    it was the, being a good friend paying off thing that strikes me.

    a month later while at the house, and I was clearly doing 100x more for her than she was for me, but not actually ever saying anything or asking anything, she brings it up out of the blue.

    “I hope you don’t ever think I use you, I would never do that ever”

    also that same night, she seemed very stressful over a person that almost died and said she was on PMS etc.. well she made it very very clear countless times that her grandmother was her best person in her life and always supported her more than anyone ever. and even had he ron speaker phone to prove it many times.
    Well that night it was a weeknight, she didn’t understand why nobody was answering their phones at 10 or 11 pm . and even her uncle who she tells me works 90 hours a week calls him, her aunt answers and she forces her to wake him up, and he told her he needs to sleep and will come over the next day after work for a couple hours to talk all she wans, she didn’t seem to care about others’ schedules even her own family.
    well she was about to call grandma, and I simply stated to her, and it was for reasons of being nice and thoughtful (Hey, it is good you are calling grandma, she is the best person to you), then she gives me this look and stare I will never forget.
    she says “WTF, what the hel is wrong with you? how would you know how she is? is she your best friend or something? are you dating her?” I said n o, and she was like “well, are you making fun of me, if you are I will pound you into the ground, your parents who died, they are rolling over in their grave so disappointed in you”
    I was like holy moley, what on earth? and then within minutes she apologized and everything was good. I think that was the first sign of the mask slipping. but I have little experience with girls s I figured, and made excuses like well she is super stressed and on PMS and so forth.
    I now know way better.

    whe would also often change her stories on things.
    well there is much more, and there are other things I think she said that indicated how she is.
    but I am curious, dot hey often tell you an dit is up to us to pick up on it?

  151. hoovering ??mm i have established no contact and am going through the most horrid and painful withdrawals ..he is not contacting me but is also not allowing any movement in regards to the properties he is completely shut down on it i feel like a hostage i can’t move forward and i do not want to move back ..it is agonising..im obsessed with it and my solicitor is trying his best to get things moving but the narc is playing victum ..he know i want out but is holding me in this house

  152. My ex-boyfriend (N) left me a couple of months ago. When I read this article, now all makes sense! Or I don’t know, with a N, nothing makes “sense” 🙁 I understand now…my deepest desire was love and a real relationship (which is a very normal and humane desire!), but he never gave this to me. He was hanging around a couple of years, always saying I am “just a friend” for him. Of course, this hurt me and I felt belittled. And I understand now, probably I have always had this fear (wound) to become abandoned. So he often gave me “silent treatment” and said he will “move to India”, forever (and we live in Europe!). This used to give me huge panic, I did not wanted to lose my “darling” and NEVER seeing him again. Poor me, I was so in love…I see now, how much he has probably enjoyed seeing this pain and worry in me. Who on earth would behave that way?! Well, a N would…It is what it is: Sick!! 🙁

    I am so angry now when I understand all of this. I am sure he doesn’t have and never had any intention to “move to India”, probably not even do a tourist trip there. I carried this stupid fear for more than a year, and sincerely believed his stupid lies, all totally unnecessary suffering! 🙁

    Because I always feared to become abandoned and it gave me pain when he was disconnected and did not contact me…based on that I doubt he will ever try to “hoover” me again. This is good! 🙂 He probably thinks this is the perfect “punishment” for me, but he is free to think whatever he wants, I really do not care anymore!!
    Thank you Melanie, you really are a life saver!

  153. My ex contacted me last night 4 weeks after telling me he was in a relationship with the person he swore blind he didn’t dump me for 2 days before Xmas! I’d blocked him everywhere and he contacted me via Instagram. I didn’t even know he knew I had it as I was banned from his social media, that was reserved for his harem. He said that he didn’t expect me to reply (in the past that was a trigger) he’s happy to see me happy and full of life and that he wishes only that we can wish happiness for each other?! I don’t need his permission to be happy and I won’t be validating his need for my permission or give him the chance to suck my happiness out of me.

    It just always astounds me how textbook he is. I can only imagine what he’s been like over the last few weeks when he realised that I wasn’t going to come crawling back and then the realisation that he was blocked (I’d always resisted blocking in the past). It’s just made me realise how desperate and pathetic he is and Im just concentrating on me and my life, whilst making myself mentally strong for the next attempt.

  154. Hi Melanie,

    I was married for 17 years to a widower with a 10 year old son. His first wife committed suicide but it was attributed to alcoholism by the coroner. I turned his son’s life around and he went from failing 5th grade to a partial scholarship to a good university. I loved the son deeply and he called me mom. We were incredibly close until I felt him begin to pull away when he was about 20 and still away at school. Seven years into the marriage and as soon as the son left home for school, my husband (at 56) sold his business and insisted we move an hour away from our friends to live at the beach. I resisted but gave in ( I now see this was the first obvious sign of narc abuse toward me, although I had noticed his overblown ego early on.) Up until this time he had treated me like a queen. I was able to transfer with my job closer to our new home after 2 years of commuting. I’ll cut to the chase…..we entertained a lot, but it was always me doing the work. My job was incredibly stressful and I was experiencing harassment and bullying at work (severe,) and then a crisis hit the son’s life. At 25 and just as he was beginning his career, he got a woman 8 years older than him pregnant. Despite telling us he did not love her, he married her at a justice of the peace and didn’t invite us. The woman he married admits freely that she doesn’t form bonds with people well and was very cold. I paid for the down payment on their house, while paying a mortgage on our house, threw them a shower and babysat constantly. The son’s behaviour toward me became more and more rude and eventually he shunned me. Despite my husband acknowledging that they were being terrible he never had my back, and demanded that I make the relationship work. I realised then that I had always been the one making things work. With work stress, menopause and the strain with the son, I crashed and was hospitalised. My husband immediately treated me like I was defective and blamed my dysfunctional upbringing (although his was equally warped, but in a different way.) He left for periods of time and returned with a brand new fancy vehicle. He had a boat, a sports car, a motorcycle and no job! He refused to talk about whether we would work on our problems and then bought his own house with money I’m pretty sure he siphoned out of our account (according to records I collected.) Now I have moved into the city again but he won’t agree to a separation agreement despite telling me he doesn’t love me. I am so frustrated with my emotional addiction to him and he wants to be friends one day and enemies the next. He comes here to fix things at my house and calls friends to check upon me. I HAVE TO HEAL MY INNER SELF, but I feel completely broken and weak. I am off work on stress leave, on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety drugs, am afraid to socialise, and cry every day. i have signed up for the webinar on Wednesday 6 pm. I’m in Ontario, Canada. Desperately seeking relief and hopeful that I can get through this.

    1. I am sorry that you ever had to deal with someone making you feel worthless. I would not wish that feeling on my worst enemy. I do not know you but I have lived with your feeling of having someone steal your self-worth. I wanted to send you a reply to let you know someone is in your corner, on your side, and does not think you are worthless – I am in the Midwest trying to piece myself back together and I am rooting for you.

  155. My so-called relationship with my Narcissist stepdaughter ended years ago and she hasn’t made any attempts to hoover me yet which is such a huge relief for me which is giving me a golden opportunity for me to self heal, self partner and hopefully make a full recovery, I NEVER want to see her or hear from her EVER again, I DON’T want her in my life, I WANT her to get out of my life, to stay OUT of my life permanently for all of eternity and to NEVER come back into my life ever again!!!!!. She has direct contact with an ex boyfriend of mine who she sends up to mine and my husband’s – (her father) house to see me and my husband and then he leaves….. and then he reports back to her. She must be getting some sort of Narcissistic Supply fix from his reports about me and my husband and sucking my life energy force out of me in this way as well as using my ex boyfriend as Narcissistic Supply and also getting a sadistic, satisfying kick out of it too. I don’t want her trying to re-enter my life, trying to abuse me all over again, trying to poison me again. She’s trying to control who I associate with, she doesn’t want me to have anything from any of my past relationships and everything else because she’s spying on me on my social media, spying on me through my ex boyfriend, because she’s pathologically extremely jealous, pathologically extremely envious of the love, care, affection, attention that I’ll get from my own family and because she’s a dictating, tyrannical, draconian, etc…, control freak like another female Narcissist I used to know many, many years ago, my stepdaughter is a little Hitler who has tried to play god with my life, my family relationships, she’s on a power trip. She has an inferiority complex in her True self where she is broken beyond repair – irreversible damage, immature, childish, babyish and infantile, enormously insecure, pathologically extremely jealous and pathologically extremely envious of everyone else – she’s like this about me, deludedly believes that everyone is jealous of her, is deluded about the things that she thinks and believes that she is good at, is deluded into thinking and believing that she can sing, songwrite, act, dance and do modelling. She has zero talent for all of these things and other things and she has no gifts either, no accomplishments or achievements. She views everyone including myself as competition, she’s in competition with me and everyone else, she’s fiercely competitive in conversation with me and everyone else, she does point-scoring and oneupmanship with me and everyone else in conversation. She loves to hear and to listen to the sound of her own voice. She has a superiority complex or a god complex in her False Self. She loves to play tit for tat control, she lies, deceives and is dishonest about everything about everyone, she says the most ridiculous things, etc…, she thought that her taking my family away from me through slander, defamation of character, lies would hurt me and cause me pain and make me suffer, but it doesn’t, it doesn’t bother me at all because my own family mentally, emotionally, verbally and physically abused me too, so I’m really happy that all of them are no longer in my life, my stepdaughter thinking that her annihilating my relationships with all of my family members would emotionally and mentally harm me is completely and totally wrong, I just proved her wrong!!. She thinks she knows how I operate, function and tick, but she thought wrong!!!. She thinks she knows me but she doesn’t know me at all!!!. She’s trying to drag me into her power struggle, drama, chaos, craziness. She’s not normal or natural. She’s abnormal and unnatural. She needs to be sedated and be locked away in a small padded cell with a strait jacket on in a high security psychiatric hospital or in somewhere like that for the rest of her life til she dies. I’ve noticed that whenever she posts a comment on a website, then her best friend and one of my family members also posts comments on the same website too, She’s in direct contact with my family, giving them new, current updates about me, reporting to them and informing them about me. My stepdaughter is coy, scary and really weird, she’s a weirdo, she thinks and believes that I’m perfect and flawless. She’s much, much more worse than Satan the Devil, Lucifer the Fallen Angel himself, she’s a monster, a real nightmare. Narcissists, Sociopaths, Psychopaths can pass lie detector tests even when lying. So no-one will ever get the truth out of her, she’s of her father, Satan the Devil.

  156. Miss Melanie ~

    Thank you for such an in depth and honest look at the sheer insanity of dealing with a narcissist. I have been dealing with an abusive (physically, mentally, sexually, emotionally, verbally, psychologically) partner for the past two years. I am exhausted. I feel like I have allowed him to suck the life right out of me, and he has continued to do so even while incarcerated as he is now. Last year he choked me in a hotel lobby in front of a desk clerk who called the police. When they arrived I did as I always did – diminished the severity of what happened and refused to press charges. When the police officer went to get my abuser’s side of the story he quickly said “Did you check her bags for drug paraphernalia?” What a snitching, cowardly, punk ass move. I could not believe he actually said that after he knew I was refusing to press charges. Neither could the cop who agreed with me when I yelled “You are such a punk!” It did not matter if I was refusing to press charges, he was charged by the state with domestic violence with intent to commit serious injury – strangulation. He had done this in front of witnesses which is a threat to the public and on video surveillance. He has been serving time on and off for the past year for probation violations related to this crime. He tries to maintain his control over me even behind bars and it usually works. Something has shifted in me over the last month to where I cannot do the usual surrender to his abuse and bullshit. I started researching his personality and discovered he is a textbook narc psychopath. I then began to research the abuse he has inflicted on me and the trauma it has caused; and I was floored by what I read. Now it is like I opened a flood gate and I cannot stop educating myself and preparing myself to leave this asshole while he is incarcerated. I have started seeing a therapist to work on the trauma issues, blocked all calls from the jail and stopped putting money on his books, cut off communication with his family and refused all attempts form him to contact me through others from jail, and started working with my domestic violence advocate again. The hardest is yet to come – I plan on serving him with papers to have the no contact order he convinced me to drop re-instated. When I start to waiver or become unsure of myself I find an article like yours, and stories from others being held prisoner by one of these assholes and I am able to re-direct myself away from my abuser. Thank you for your article today because I was feeling anxious and weak. My abuser almost killed me several times, and has damaged my heart, mind, and soul almost completely. But wasn’t able to finish me off and I know that is what sets him into a rage, and it is what keeps me motivated to rid myself of him. The last time we spoke he was telling me the usual bullshit of how I was nothing and never would be anything but a whore, cunt, lying slut, blah blah blah. I patiently waited for him to stop ranting and said “Keep underestimating me – that will be fun.” I smiled to myself as I hung up the phone just as he was starting to yell once again.

  157. I am so happy this year because the only woman i love with my life before who left me many years ago is back to me last week through the help of high priest tokubo spell temple. on the 2nd of May 2017 i came across a testimony which said high priest tokubo help him to get his girlfriend back so i decided to contact high priest tokubo through his email at:(highpriesttokubo@gmail. com), to my greatest suprise yesterday my ex wife called me to wish me a happy new year and beg me to reconsider her into my life and today we are living happily as one family again through the help of high preist tokubo. if you want your ex back or you want your lover to love you and stay with you forever contact him now through his email above.

  158. Hello, all the way from South Africa,
    Um, i am actually not sure where to start, and unsure on how much i want to share right away. I met my husband at the age of 16, he was and always has been my only boyfriend, and husband. We dated for 7yrs and in December, we will be married for 9 years. So in total we have been together for 16yrs, since i was 16yrs old. He is all i know.
    I just turned 33yrs old this past April.
    I think, I am on day 4 of “No Contact”. He is in the spare room, after lying to me when he was out, and saying he was on his way at 8pm, and only came home at 4h30am the next morning, drunk. I have been reading all i can on Melanies Blogs and website, and i think i have been manipluated, verbally and emotionally abused, since the day i met him. I am not the person i was, or thought i would be, and time after timei fell for his lies, cheating and manipulation and constantly implying what a horrible mother and wife i am. This will be the first time that i have been so “quiet” for so long towards him. I did email him how i felt, and i got a 5 line reply. I think he is now trying to give me the silent treatment back. It hurts, oh my, how it hurts.
    I always thought that this is how relationships are, and i would pay small prices for dating a “bad boy”, but because of my calm personality, he would change. He hasnt, and i sit now, looking around me, and i dont know how it got to this. How i have become to secluded, and this nasty person, who wont allow anyone “in”. With trust issues and insecurities. I want to try. I think i am dating a Narc….. there, i said it.
    My chest has had this throbbing knot in it since Sunday morning early hours, my anxiety is back after battling panic attacks for a year (i have been off my anxiety meds for 9 months, but it started Monday), i find myself checking my phone and his whats app every 10 minutes, and all he offers me in empty silence. Working late, coming home, greeting the boys (our sons are 7 and 5yrs old) and going to shower and bed. I suppose i have also not tried to engage with him, and i told him i was broken and needed space to heal. Am i on the right track? What do i do now? I want to heal. I want this constant pain gone and i want to be me, freely.

  159. Hi Mel
    what if i’m the other girl , not the wife
    he lied on me saying she is crazy cheat on him and want divorce , so i believed him and been involved in this fake love , i gave him everything but once his wfe found out , he discarded me , and told her i’m the crazy and he is innocent , she believed him not me
    in this case will he try to hoover me ??

  160. Hi, Melanie. I came across this blog post via a Google search and I have to admit that I was going through a relationship with a Hoovering narc. Just recently he took me out of my comfort zone, I moved to California about a year ago, sorta knowing that he really just wanted me around for the supply. I was content and happy in the California Central Coast, made friends and all that… Then he contacted me on a web forum he and I are a part of, asking me to come back to Indiana. I didn’t know if his intentions were genuine… I just plainly did not know.

    So I bought a Greyhound ticket back to Indiana, he seemed delighted to meet me at MITS Station (the bus station in Muncie) after I got off the bus. The first time he met me at the bus station in February 2015, but I have noticed that when he didn’t need me anymore, he’d make up stories about how the police are going to pick me up soon, I need mental help, yadda yadda yadda. I would leave, only to be better off… Then he hits again, telling tall tales of how much better off we can be.

    Thanks for the tips on what to do if he does it again. Especially #2, where going back to him is only giving him the ammunition to shoot me.

    #4, I have actually realized it already. I was homeless, pushing around a shopping cart with all I have to my name, and the person who opened up his house to me and my partner (a female TPE doll I named Elisabeth, I’m a questioning male to female transgender) who pretty much knew about the tactics this Hoovering narc done. He’s not a narcissist but he knows what damage they can do to vulnerable people.

    Thanks a million for your site.
    Alexandra Tiffany Tilbrook

  161. Melanie, your blog is so help- and insightful, many thanks for that. I am sorry if my English is very bad, it is not my mothertongue. I feel so lost at the moment. I do not know whether the man I fell in love with is really a narcissist or not. I do not want to label anyone a narcissist simply because our relationship didn’t work out. Truth is, I also wonder whether I am the narcissist, as you described in another article, since I read so much on this topic and question myself even more. We had an on and off relationship with many silences, he even contacted me when he was in another relationship, without telling me he was married etc. I always felt like he was playing with me since many times, when I answered his messages, he went completely silent only to return some time afterwards and as I had always feelings for him (which he knew) I never had the strength to really set boundaries. To be honest, I felt used – and I think, if there is the feeling of “being used”, then there must be some truth to that.. After his breakup (his wife left him) he contacted me again and the old game started again, only this time, he told me he wanted to find out if there was something special between us, if we both could lead a relationship. As my feelings for him never really vanished (and he sure knew that), I could not resist. Ultimately, while we were “dating”, he had many other women besides and I felt that he changed his agenda for himself without being upfront about this. He seemed not to want relationship with me any longer or at all but was not upfront about this. Instead of being honest about this, he always hinted, gave unclear responses when I asked him about his intentions. I just wanted to know where I stand so that I can take action for myself and move on. It was truly destabilizing as I had so many feelings and felt very vulnerable. I always told him I would accept if he could not develop feelings for me which would have been hurtful but something I always could accept, as no person in the world can really chose for whom he or she develops feelings. He ended up in a relationship with another woman and told me, he could still be friends with me. It hurt me to the core, as he must have build this relationship silently in the background while being inconsistent and unclear about his intentions, so until the end, I did not clearly know where we both stood. However, as their relationship started to develop, he turned cold and resentful towards me, something which I felt must be a kind of “devalue” as it was so much different to his behaviour before. This was the only way I realized he was distancing himself from me, that there was something else going on, which hurt even more because I sensed that I was not even that much of value to him, that he was just open and honest about it. I just always wanted to hear the truth, so many times I tried to make him accountable, to just know where I stand since I always felt so unstable around him. When asking him questions, more than one time he got so angry that he hang up the phone without warning or his answers were word salad that did not make any sense at all. This left me so confused. What hurt me most is that in the end, he told me I was selfish and only thinking about myself (because I just wanted to know the truth). I have a rocky history of emotional abuse in my childhood, mobbing at school and always had a hard time standing up for myself. So I am not sure whether I am really a narcissist or a really selfish person, but him calling me selfish even intensified the feeling of being wrong and worthless. Needless to say, he is flaunting his new girlfriend everywhere. He never had a profile picture of him and a girlfriend anywhere, know he has completely changed and is wining and dining her (she is of a wealthy background, went to elite schools etc.). I feel so hurt and confused and “less of value” since he never spent some money on me, always hid me away.. His new girlfriend is smug and so proud of having him, obviously she seems to think that all women before him were bad and that he know gets the love he deserves, that they are a “team” and support each other where other women failed. I do not know, right know, how to handle this and how to make sense of any of this or how to help myself.

    1. Hi Mona,

      this part of narcissistic abuse is so difficult, and please know when we are in our mind trying to combat the trauma that is activated within us, the trauma, confusion, and feeling like we are going around in circles is awful.

      There is another way to start getting relief and clarity and that involves using a process that releases traumas directly from our emotional inner being.

      Please come into my free webinar Mona and you will find relief and answers: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Mel xo

  162. Thank you for writing this article! I can’t believe that there are so many people who are undergoing what I’m experiencing! I now understand that I am afraid of being alone… I’ve gotten much better but in the beginning I was so scared that I shrugged off all of my narcissist husband’s red flags… I had just moved to the US. A little bit before that i was cheated on by my ex boyfriend and being in a new country, I had no friends. I was so lonely when I met my narcissist husband. He was so nice and we had so much fun together. Even when I was pregnant, he wold take care of me… however, little by little, he started unmasking and living with him became the darkest time of my life. In addition to being a narcissist, he was also an alcoholic, so for almost 6 years, I would be verbally, emotionally and physically abused for going up against him. I found the courage to leave with our son. During the last year, after I came to the conclusion that I was living with a narcissist, I made the necessary preparations to leave. I opened a saving account that he didn’t know about, purchased a reliable car, got a job with a schedule that would fit with my son’s schooling and talked to some friends to gain some emotional support.
    Being a single mom is a struggle, but I feel stronger than ever! My narcissist husband does not help financially nor does he see his son. In the beginning of the separation, he would sometines see his son but I think it was only because he needed some narcissistic supply from him. As a child, my son thinks he’s the world which feeds his ego. I stopped feeding his ego, so i felt the blows. However, this has changed. He has not seen us in almost 2 months. He would ring my phone, but I ignore his falls. I’ve answered once just so it doesn’t appear that I am depriving him of his son. I used the Grey rock technique. I must say, it does work! I suggest others read and research this technique if they cannot go no contact… please pray for me as I go into the divorce process… and know that you are not alone.

  163. This is an excellent article. I’m in week ten of no contact with my ex. I’m going to make it this time. I was hoovered twice. He never wanted to talk about why we broke up but just wanted to start up where we left off. This last time, he didn’t take any time to devalue me. Overnight he went from loving guy to silent treatment. I think it was revenge for me breaking up with him one other time. I wish I could go back to my former self and tell me not to let him back into my life.

    What is incredible: So many people have been in relationships with these disordered abusive people.

  164. Although I have found much of this material insightful (especially the article with regards to the silent treatment), I am concerned about many of these “tricks” being misread or used to misdiagnose NPD when it isn’t there. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if there are many narcs in these comments using this article to justify their bad behavior. I see a constant theme of commenters receiving satisfaction out of successfully identifying the “tricks” in deploy of their ex and using that to their advantage to further their silent treatment punishment. This makes me question who the victims really are here.

    I definitely have been abused by the silent treatment with my ex, and yes have struggled and failed to keep no contact by reaching out with suggesting for repairing, some of which sound awfully similar to the “tricks” mentioned in this article. The biggest red flag to me seems to be the “reaching out for friendship” bit — I have done exactly this, because some form of positive relationship between us would be better to me than the abandonment my ex put me through. But I could envision my ex reading this article and then legitimately exclaiming that these tricks describe me — and leaving a comment to that effect — when the truth would be the exact opposite. But as I have read in your other articles Melanie, you know that this is what narcs do — turn the tables and ascribe to their target the very negative qualities that they themselves posses.

    Furthermore, the problem with these tricks, is that in in our society today most everyone implements no contact when they are no longer interested. So I will routinely pop in to those I’ve been rejected from to see if there still might be interested. After reading this article, all those women would probably think I’m a narcs which is further perpetuating my cycle of loneliness and despair caused by abandonment. :'(

  165. Melanie,

    This article resonated with me because I can identify how I’ve been both the hoover and the hoovee. I can see in my past so many narcissistic traits that I used to emotionally survive. I can also see these traits in my wife due to the abuse she’s received at the hands of her narcissistic step-mother (insert any stereotypical wicked stepmother joke here). I was also raised by a woman who displays many NPD traits. Two people raised by bat-shit crazy mothers and cowering/submissive fathers.

    I’ve been on so many forums seeking help for my relationship, and often when I ask “Am I the real narcissist here?” I get something like “If you are sincerely asking, you aren’t.” But is that true? Are narcissists really doomed to a life of such blatant denial that they can never change? If I was or am a narcissist, is there really no hope for me to change? Or are these just narcissistic traits that many non-NPD people have that can be tamed by seeing the world with a healthy eye and spirit?

    I’m concerned for myself and my family. I’m worried that I’m not just in a co-dependent/narcissistic marriage, but that we’re two narcissists feeding off each other.

    1. Hi Nicholas,

      this may help: https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/am-i-the-narcissist/

      Please know there have been many people in this Community wondering about whether or not they are narcissists who have released, upleveled and healed from the inner trauma that was inflicted on them by others – thus becoming “whole”.

      It is the same healing for all of that chose it regardless of where we are on the spectrum.

      Have you looked at NARP, it is the way to achieve this: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  166. While reading all the comments, I felt like I could have written most of them. I’ve been obsessing since yesterday afternoon about the way my ex treated me. I have no peace of mind and have been crying like a screaming child on and off since. I can’t sleep and I can’t focus on anything but him. So I started googling and reading other people’s experiences in similar situations to get my mind off him. So here I am. I spent 2 years with my narc. He charmed me in the beginning when he was chasing me. After about a month I fell for him and we started a relationship. But things started to get cold about 5-6 weeks in. He started to drift and would disappear on me. He broke up with me and told me if things were different and if he’d met me at a different time, things would be different. He told me this big sob story about his childhood and how he was mistreated by his father and how his mother treated him one time when he was a kid. He told me he hated his parents and had no relationship with them. He told me that he is the way he is because of them. I felt sorry for him but I realize now it was a distraction tactic so I wouldn’t question him more on why he was breaking up with me. He turned the whole thing into a story about himself and what a bad childhood he had. I was devastated because I was still at that initial stage of getting butterfiles in my stomach when I would see him. That adrenaline rush I would get suddenly amplified and turned into heartbreak and I was in severe emotional distress. Worst of all, we worked together so I had to see him everyday. I convinced him to get back with me a month later. From then until now, I’ve lost my spirit and soul. I have no idea who or what I am. The whole relationship was one-sided. It was all about him and revolved around his schedule and what he wanted to do. He’d be passive aggressive and psychologically take me down. He would tell me I was acting crazy when he made plans with me and go mia on me all day. Didn’t even bother to send me a text saying he didn’t want to go out anymore. Like my time was not important. He would tell me I was overreacting and it was no big deal because we work together and he’ll just see me in the office anyways. This happened a few times. In the beginning he would text me all the time. But then slowly it became less and less. He saw me even less. For the last 6 months of our relationship I met up with him no more than 5 times. And it was me driving really far to see him. He had the audacity to say that it was too far for him to drive and see me and that gas was expensive. Uhhh…like the distance is shorter for me? Like I have a discount on gas? He would answer my texts 2 days later and always one word. And it was amongst these: ok, busy, not now, sleeping. I still made excuses for him and convinced myself that I was being too clingy when I was not. I convinced myself because he told me I was and that’s why he ignores me. He kept picking fights with me and then call me a drama queen and psycho. Stupid me still stayed because I kept reminiscing about how he used to be in the very beginning. My mind told me that was just a facade, a fake version of himself that he used to reel me in in the beginning. But my heart convinced me otherwise.

    I know my post is long, but I need an outlet to get this out so I don’t really go crazy. So about 2 months ago he broke up with me by text. I was so hurt that he didn’t respect me enough to do it in person. I suspected he found a new target and asked him. He denied it and verbally attacked me. Called me crazy again. A couple of weeks later he fessed up. Told me he met this girl in the Philippines online and started to fall for her and flew there to meet her in person behind my back. Told me he was going to Asia for a business trip. So after they confirmed their love for each other, the first thing on his todo list was to get rid of me. Once I knew this I told him I didn’t want to be with him anymore because I will not hang on to someone that is so deceitful and has some other girl on his mind. There’s alot more to tell here but I will fast forward to yesterday when he caused my breakdown. I had no contact with him for 3 weeks. I was only starting to be better and not think about him a couple of days ago. I was not planning to ever contact him again, but he texted me yesterday to tell me something that concerned me. I thanked him and was going to leave it at that. But he kept engaging me in conversation so I obliged. I thought I was ok because I didn’t feel anything while texting with him. I felt like I was over it and I was proud of myself. You know what he does next? Shove his new relationship with this girl in my face. Tells me he’s seeing her and he likes her alot. She’s the only person he’s been able to talk to about everything and he has never had that before. He even talked about me with her. I lost it! I told him he had no right to invade my privacy and talk about me with her. I reminded him that when he was courting me he said the exact same thing about me. That he never had someone he can talk to and trust like me. So now I know he uses that on every new girl. But he wouldn’t stop there…kept going on about how interesting she is, how good of a person she is because she encouraged him to talk to me more. What???? So I asked, when did she encourage you to talk to me? Do you guys want to know? Because I’m getting to the good part. A month ago I got into a car accident, then a week after that I ended up in the hospital because I was in so much emotional distress that it triggered an issue I’ve had with my heart. When I was in the hospital I texted him to tell him where I was because my family was out of town. I had nobody else to contact except acquaintances which I was not comfortable telling. You know what he did? He totally ignored me and did not reply. To this day, even in yesterday’s exchange, he never once asked me if I was ok. You know what he was doing that day when I was hospitalized? Chatting with the new girl about me. Telling her I was nutso and was in the hospital harrassing him. That is when she supposedly told him he should talk to me more. That day when he ignored me, a light went off in my brain. I no longer felt anything for him except anguish and anger for how he treated me. That was it for me. He treated me like it didn’t matter if I was dead or alive, worst than how he would treat a stranger on the street. I lost all respect for him and finally accepted that I was in love with a fake persona the whole time. It was not him. He was always an egotistic selfish person.

    I’m sure he could tell from my texts how he was causing me distress again but he wouldn’t stop. He continued to tell me when I didn’t want to know, that he bought a really expensive ticket to go see her for the Xmas/New Year holiday. That she was updating her passport so he can fly her here. He’s even going to pay for her hotel. That really pushed me over the edge. The 2 years we were together, he never spent a Xmas or New Year with me. I was with him for 2 years, she’s been with him for 3 months. Also, he never spent much money on me. Told me he was going to buy me a birthday gift early this year and I have yet to see a gift. My next birthday is coming up. He wouldn’t even pay for gas money to drive and see me and now he’s spending thousands of dollars on this one? I told him he deserved to pay a high price. It makes me happy to see him throw away his money on her. I also told him to give back all the gifts I ever gave him. Told him to write me a check (I know, this part was a little over the top).

    So this is where the conversation ended. This is where I am now. I can’t sleep, I can’t focus, I’m so filled with anger that I cannot breathe. I’m online looking for answers, looking for someone to tell me they understand what I’m going through. Or maybe just an outlet to just get it out. I don’t want to get bsck with him, I just don’t know how to get pass this stage so I do not care about anything about him.

  167. Holy Crap! That phrase does not even tell you how astonished I am right now. I was involved with this guy from work who I thought was going to be wonderful. I asked him all the standard questions…”are you married, are you engaged, do you have a girlfriend?” As I remember back now all of his answers were vague. “It’s complicated” or “We aren’t working out” or “She won’t talk to me”…came up a lot. He and I started to see each other…always at his place. Soon he and I were in a “relationship.” Then his “ex” would come back on the weekends to “talk”. Unbeknownst to me they had never even broke up and I found out from her later that he was using me as a figure to taunt her to make her jealous to bring her back every week. While he was with me he was texting her and telling her that I was there and when she would get angry he would tell her that he was just kidding. He would use my caring loving nature to fulfill his needs and then drop me like a bad habit once it looked like they were gonna make everything work. Then they would fight and here I went back to his place when he called believing that this time was the last time. I finally broke free of him for about two months. Then once day I received a text that he was in the hospital. He “tried” to kill himself. In reality he just slit his arm in a superficial way to get her to stay with him and make her feel bad. Of course because I care I helped him out and stayed with him for two months trying to help him…or so I thought. I found out that he was in contact with her even though she had placed a restraining order on him. But he made her feel guilty and she didn’t want to ruin in life so she dropped it and as soon as she did he found a way to contact her and once again bring her back. As soon as she showed up he dropped me again. I have not spoken to him and he doesn’t make it easy. We work together and I see him daily. He stops by where I work and tries to get me to make eye contact. Which I won’t do. Then I found out that while I am working he is always somewhere nearby trying to listen to me talk. When I was informed of this I talked to his supervisor and he is now being monitored. It is getting to be a bit creepy. Is he still with that girl? Here’s the kicker…she is 20 years his junior and falls for everything that he says. Currently he is trying to convince her that he wants to have a baby with her (even though he lost custody of a daughter that he already has). I think that they are “trying to work things out” but he is trying desperately to keep me on his leash so that when he tugs I’ll come running back. But little does he know that no matter how hard he tries I will not be at the end of that leash anymore. I figured him out and he knows that I did. But it’s cute how he thinks that he still has me somehow. I just wish that I could contact her and make her read this article. She is a smart girl…but she is damaged and he knows this.

  168. Hi Melanie,

    Your blog has tremendously helped me to take appropriate actions to protect myself. I really appreciate for that. I had a question regarding the NC strategy. How can I effectively implement the No Contact strategy when you I am married and leaving in the same house. Leaving is not an option (yet) due to a little kid’s involvement.

  169. So I am currently married to a Narc. This year make 21 years. Our problems didn’t start (that I noticed) until about 1 years into the marriage. That’s when things seemed to change. He hoovers me at home. Paws at me. Does everything for me. when I try to do anything, he stops me and says I’ll do that baby. Or go lay down and rest. But then when I hear him talking to others he makes it out like he does everything and I just lay on the couch. I am currently making plans to leave him. I tried this once before but he threatened to kill himself and I came back. Since then, he has made those threats time after time. The most recent was last July when I told him I was going to leave him. I am a big believer in prayer. I have prayed for an out and God has provided! Things seem to be falling into place. I do however worry that when I do leave he will hurt himself or attempt to hurt himself. And it will be my fault. I know it really wont, but it will seem that way bc I left. Any advice?

  170. Who would have thought I would fall for the Nc hoovering? Certainly not me! But I did. Only after one week of the Nc trying to charm me I am asking to meet again. No reply and here we go again. There is some change in that I feel that I care less. Still, any positive attention could draw me in now. The conversations are always animated. The Nc is good company overall.

    I noticed a change with the Nc. The first time the Nc charmed me the facial expressions seemed to mirror mine. Very reactive. Towards the end it was quite expressive. Only not when the break up was near. He seemed expressionless and emotionless even. It almost went too easy.

    Now with the first time hoovering there is no expression at all. The usual light in the eyes has also dissapeared. I used to be able to see through a lie and now I can’t. I wonder if it is the face of depression ..like a lack of supply. Or is it the normal state I have never seen before. Or has the Nc put up a stronger defense so that I can’t read him?

    I wish everyone strength! .To me it reminds that I should continue the Narp program I just started with last December. I was busy but I know I should never be too busy to neglect my well-being.

  171. I’ve divorced to my ex for over a year and a half and I’m almost positive he’s a narcissist he exhibits basically all the common signs. If I don’t want to assume and hate believing he is this because I was married to him for 12 years he has sex, pornography, gaming and anger addiction. And since our divorce anytime I won’t reply to a text or messenger message he sends that’s not related to our kids he blows up my phone try’s calling me 3,4,5 times in a row. Then he goes to each of my family members one by one messaging them repeatedly calling them and harassing them I mean literally mins after I won’t. Please am I crazy to think this is not normal and sounds like narcissistic behavior please I don’t know how to handle this!

  172. Very interesting article. It’s hard to break the conditioning of seeking validation externally and seeing yourself as responsible for everyone else’s feelings. Both my parents were Narcs then I got involved with a Narc woman. It is hard but you have to stay strong.

  173. This is a great article! Thank you, Melanie 🙂
    I had a good laugh while reading…. The most crazy this type of thing happened with me when my ex (N) sent me a printout of his mobile calls and texts with a message that he had not contacted the woman at all. I searched her cell number and found it was contacted 143 times or something like that.
    N, when confronted with this, just said he has no idea how and why her number has appeared here and he does not remember contacting her.. Ok may be once or twice 😀
    hilarious… however, back then I almost lost my mind from shock of this

  174. Here’s a spin.. I hoovered him! ha ha ha.. yes I did. After two months of no contact, I felt the need to reach out. We only communicate via sms text since he blocked me on whatsapp while still maintaining me as a friend on FB!. How pathetic! It took me about two months or so to block him on whatsapp and I blocked him on FB and removed him as a friend. He could NEVER hoover me in those traditional ways cause he knows how he treated me especially that last move to ditch me when he offered to give me a ride home from class. He waited till I was no longer next to his car and secretly got in and drove off so by the time I got back, he was gone! And when I called him upon realizing he left me, I was surprised he answered the call as he hadn’t answered any of my calls since the discard (me discarding him) and I could have heard in his voice, he knew what he did was wrong and made up some lame excuse. This was late at night so I was left to find my own way home. So freaking childish! He can’t come to me with any talk! Now I know he is stalking, using his flying monkeys (one of his flying monkeys called me the next day to find out how I got home and if I got home safely) and minions and checking my other social networks to see what I am up to and I am sure even stalking my laptop and bugged my phone! I really don’t care. It is clear he doesn’t have a life, let him! But yes, I reached out and send him a text or two since the two months and I needed to do that for some reason, maybe just to see his reaction and what kind of reaction. He has been pleasant and formal at times but no lengthy conversation and it’s based on my initiation and not his. I am ok with that and I can say that I am getting stronger on my journey and don’t feel so inclined to reach out to sms at the moment. Just this week, I saw his car past me of all the cars on the road, I was just in time to lift my head to spot his car passing. I know it would have happened at some point in time and I guess my mind was prepared for it. Not bothered. In one of my sms hoover texts, I made him know I know what he is and what I am. So now everything is very clear and out in the open, the mask and games are off! Including any attempts to hoover. In other words, I am not running scared of him and making him feel powerful over me!

  175. This is so helpful Melanie. I’m in early days (one month) of NC after I finally, after ten years, got rid of my narc and shut the door. It’s hard going but so far I’ve managed to keep NC. So far, he’s not tried any ways of contacting me as he’s blocked but I’m still nervous in case he uses another phone to get through. It helps me reading your articles to get knowledge on why narcs behave this way. My previous ex narc who left me deaf through a beating was still trying to Hoover me after 25 years! He’s only just stopped. I was being to think he’d never give up as I never responded..Thank you so.kuch for all your helpful posts and videos!

  176. Wow thank you Melanie. Your book and emails are helping me so much with my relationship with my Mum. All the craziness is starting to make sense!!!
    She lied to me about her cancer treatment 2 years ago which was final straw and I had to detach.
    Since then I’ve noticed she behaves better when i detach.
    She proactively offered to give me £1000 last year to avoid inheritance tax (hoovering) but then it never happened.
    I didn’t mention it and detached more. After a few more times of saying she would give me £1000 and she never did. I continued to detach emotionally while being polite and not mention it.
    Today she actually transferred £1000 to me. I made sure I thanked her and told her how smart/ clever she was. All the time I’m detached emotionally and protecting my heart and not getting sucked in emotionally.
    Your book and emails are life changing – I actually laughed reading this email – I recognise this hoovering pattern now and always fell for it hook, line and sinker before and ended up with a tired, bruised, confused heart. I now start to feel sane and can find a way out of the craziness. My god what a relief! Painful way through but sanity and well being are worth it.
    I’m coming to your workshop in London in March 2019. Really look forward to meeting you,

  177. I’ve just gone no contact with my nasty narc mother and ‘nearly’ no contact with my narc-enabler father. Both were abusive when I was a child, and have been altruistic manipulators since I got married. My father gets abused by mother, then abuses anyone else he can, like customer service gals, inlaws, strangers. But he usually plays “good cop” to my mother’s “bad cop” with me. I never realised how this had been used against me, but this article highlighted that he’s hoovering exactly like a narcissist!

    ‘Ex-Dad’ texted me just a couple of weeks after I told them I don’t want to see them, claiming to have had a stroke while my brother, who lives with them, was over at my house for Christmas. When I didn’t go rush over to their place to help out, I received another text a couple weeks later claiming his heart was now being tested… and a photo showing he had just hiked to the top of a mountain at altitude!!! It doesn’t add up. There’s no proof of either claim… but I did feel guilt because I thought the stress of my leaving them probably triggered his physical problems.

    My supportive hubby and kids tell me they think these claims are fake, clever attempts at hoovering because my ex-parents know I’m so caring. After reading this, I strongly suspect it’s true. I’ve just realised how toxic BOTH my parents are since its my ‘less abusive’ father hoovering on both their behalfs! Since I refuse to talk to ex-mother.

    I’m so glad I’m learning how to do no contact, since this is my third attempt at leaving them behind, but the first time while knowing about narc techniques, ptsd, trauma addiction and how little empathy narc’s have. The other times they ‘bought me back’ with extravagant gifts, emergency housing, and embarrassing large money gifts! I’m on my guard and feeling really empowered this time.

    Thanks for the uplifting resources, Mel 💞

  178. Hi Melanie,

    I guess this is a good place I could get some advice from people and this might be a long post, so I apologize in advance lol. About 6 months ago I met a guy who I fell head over heels for quickly. He suffers from depression and anxiety and in the past has been suicidal (I never knew this until 3 months in when I saw it coming out and he started telling me things). I felt sorry for him and I wanted to care for him and make him better (I realize now that that’s not my job). Anyways he kept telling me he is unsure about wanting a relationship with me and like the naïve person that I was I waited around for him. Things got worse with his anxiety and depression and I stayed by his side to help him. Suppressing my love for him and crying alone when I wasn’t with him. Finally I gave up, I was tired of giving everything to him and I was unhappy with myself. My friendships and relationship with my family were deteriorating because I was always agitated when I wasn’t with him because I would always have him calling or texting me to come over and spend time with him. I got sick of it and realized that I need a break. So I ‘broke up’ with him… even though we did not have a label that’s pretty much what it felt like. He made me feel like a girlfriend in many ways but would still never meet my parents or hangout with my friends because he was socially anxious and was unsure about if he really wanted to date me. I said enough is enough and if you are not happy with yourself you cannot be happy with me. He took it well at first and then continued to try and suck (hoover) me back in but I tried to be nice and told him that I need my space and he needs to respect that. We didn’t talk for a couple days and I though finally!! It’s over. Then one day when he knew I was about to go out with my friends he messaged me something that he knew would upset me and get me arguing back but I blocked him. I woke up after having a good night with my friends to 10 messages on my snapchat and 17 messages on my Instagram from him. He said he went to the hospital because he was having a panic attack and was really upset that I wasn’t there to help him in an emergency and I ignored everything because my family and friends told me not to get sucked back in. Even though I wanted to help him so badly I kept ignoring him and then he started making suicidal comments so that’s when I contacted his mom to go and help him. After everything he calmed down and still messaged me saying he wanted to talk calmly and I ignored him. Then I decided to delete him off snapchat and Instagram so I we weren’t tempted to message each other. Then he messaged me in facebook saying he is sorry and will unfriend me and leave me alone. Now I want to message him and explain why I wasn’t answering because that’s all he kept asking for. Is it bad if I message him just saying I can’t help him anymore and that I need my space and don’t want to talk anymore or should I still leave this as is and not talk to him ever again and keep him blocked. It’s killing me inside and I am so sad and I feel sorry for him. He is not really a narcissist but he is definitely an emotional abuser. Please help, I don’t know what to do. I am sad and feel like I need to explain why I left him high and dry.

    1. Hi Taylor,

      This person whether a narcissist or not is absolutely using you for supply and holding you responsible for their wounds.

      The truth is you are not responsible for him, you are responsible to you. You are not abandoning him, presently sweetheart. Rather, by not letting go of him, you are abandoning yourself.

      Any contact again opens up the ability for him to hook you in again. You are not going to get this person to ‘understand’, you need to understand that this is a calling Taylor to something deeper that you can heal within you.

      Which are those already hurt and unhealed parts (before him) that have played out here, allowing you to ‘bond in love’ without a commitment or your soul and needs being met healthily.

      The deeper work Taylor, without exception, is what allowed us Thrivers to let go, heal and leave our painful and toxic relationship patterns behind.

      My highest suggestion is block everything, detach, and start the healing. You owe him nothing after such abusive behaviour.

      I’d love to help you achieve the necessary Thriver healing – with the starting point being here: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Sending strength, healing and love to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  179. “Conscienceless,” an incredibly accurate description. And funny click-bait btw, took me a beat but then came the chuckle. I found your post insightful and relatable as I recover from a 4 year toxic relationship with a compulsive gambling addict, supersize the compulsive bit.

    You wrote:
    “when people cross the line into conscienceless, non-empathetic pathological behaviour – they have left their soul behind. Definitely an addict who acts like this due to an addiction can reform, if humble personal responsibility is taken, and if they heal and the addiction ceases.
    But someone who behaves like this because of an ingrained Personality Disorder – forget it.”

    My narc figured out my hook was when “humble personal responsibility is taken” so she learned how to feign it with doe eyes and hooked me every time.

    I recently over-reacted in rejecting her hoovering attempts and this prompted some introspection. After reading your post, I don’t feel like I over-reacted anymore, screaming “get away from me” was simply self-defense. Thanks for your post and for NARP, I look forward to reading more.

    -Mr. P

  180. I should’ve ran the other way when i found out he lied about his name and the fact he was being sentenced in a few days but i didn’t. Low self esteem, really wanting to believe i finally found someone to love me and my son. All in my head. After the rose tint fell off my glasses i seen him for who he really was i decided to end contact. Felt weak and was roped back inwith guilt and empty promises again. This lasted 4 days and i couldn’t wait to be rid of him for good. Made me feel so empty and worthless. Ive blocked all contact and hes dead to me for life!

  181. Melanie, You’re purely a gift from Heaven. I have gone through so many articles written by you and am a beneficiarry of this great lessons that you are taking us through, as at now am receiving lots of text messages from her saying how sorry she is in I talk to her before she dies other times even trying to call me but I havent responded to any of her calls but when shes calling and calling and calling sometimes I pitty her and its like tempted to test her back, am trying hard to m I remain TRUE to the no contact principal which I have practised for one year now. Last year in the month of august she sent me birthday wishes fast born boy for she left me with our two kids 5 and 7, its now 16 months since she left and it has not been easy, but its sabetter that am alone.

  182. Hi there, Iv just come across this and relate so very much, I’m in the throws of being hoovered as we speak or I at least think I am.

    Iv had a on off relationships with a guy who u met 4 months after my partner was murdered, I have two kids one of which was to my late partner.

    My current narc bf has cut contact with me for 5 weeks till last week when he dropped my phone I loaned him through my letterbox and unblocked me two days later to ask if we could talk to the clear the air. We separated 6 weeks ago and had a huge row over trust and drugs. He was using Cocain every other day and I had enough. He wouldn’t return my calls or texts then he went on a boys holiday only 2 weeks after no contact I found out through social media, he posted pictures on himself and girls for everyone to see, he has admitted he has slept with a girl only 3 weeks ago and has been back in contact with his ex who always seems to be back in the mix anytime we break up. He tells me he only did these things because he was angry at me and the drugs had made him act in such a way. He claims he can see clearer and knows he wants me back.

    Iv been In a happy place I met a guy and had a lovely date with him just last weekend before my ex contacted me.

    Stupidly my ex showed up at my house after a night out on Saturday and he stayed two nights. Iv asked him for space to get my head together however I feel embarrassed and humiliated for being so weak and letting him back in.

    I don’t know how to get rid of him he won’t take no for an answer he keeps promising to get a job to stop taking drugs said he will spend more time with me and my daughters, he says he can see how much I do for him and how much he’s taking me for granted. He is saying everything I want to hear but for the first time and after reading this I doubt he has good intentions.

    Iv been in touch with a counselling service in my area and they have offered me a slot. I can take him with me or go on my own.

    I do love him we have had many great times where he truly has been loving and nice. His drug addiction spiralled out of control and this is when things got really bad.

    The whole relationship has always been on off since we met we sometimes don’t speak for weeks or months (his choice) I know it’s not normal because I had a healthy happy and fulfilling relationship with my late partner. He has a lot of anger related to the drugs as far as I’m aware he had a really good upbringing he’s still in contact most days with both his parents he is 29 in December he currently is unemployed and lives with his mum and shares a room with his brother who is 30.

    As we stand Iv asked for some space however he is texting me all the things I want to hear and I’m not sure if it’s genuine or not. He did not contact me on my birthday and has left it 5 weeks without any contact what so ever.

    I’m really torn. Iv met a guy who I liked a lot and have hurt by being honest and telling him about my ex being in contact he hasn’t a clue he stayed over and I hate myself for lying to him.

    Has anyone experienced anything like this before? What did you do?

    Thanks in advance for any support or wise words.

  183. Melanie, I texted my boyfriend of 3.5 years that I was breaking up with him because I seemed to be in last place in his life and because his actions were not consistent with him telling me that he loved me. He responded to me that he didn’t want to hurt me but he met another woman and he really liked her. He also said that he loved me and wanted to be friends and meet for lunch or coffee sometimes. I told him that I felt betrayed and I didn’t want to be his friend. I then blocked him from my FB and messenger so he couldn’t respond back to me. I was protecting myself from being hurt by his response. He ended up texting me about 10 days later and said that he had been trying to contact me but saw that I blocked him. He said he wanted to talk to me. After texting back and forth about how much he betrayed me and how I couldn’t believe what he said I decided to go to his home and talk to him. He said, “I’m sorry but it’s in the past. There is nothing I can do about it now” He then started kissing me and wanted sex. He again said that he wasn’t looking for anybody else and wanted me back. I loved him and believed him. I didn’t know he was a Narc. I went back with him and then he was fired from his job because he was calling another female employee derogatory names to other staff members at the job after she no longer wanted him in the car pool. After he was fired I went to visit him a couple of times at his house. I helped him write a letter because he is trying to get his job back. I night he came to my office to talk to me. He never broke up with me but told me that he loved me, wasn’t looking for anybody else, but because he was depressed from being fired if we made plans he may not be able to keep them because he was depressed and focused on finding another job and concentrating on fixing his life. It made sense to me about how he was feeling because he is 60 years old which it would make it harder to get another job if he didn’t get his job back. We made plans for me to come over to his house but he canceled them at the last minute to go to a football game with his friend. I know that was true because I saw him on TV. He was texting me over the weekend and he made plans to meet me for dinner the next week but he never called. I called him a few days later and left a message to call and he never did. I didn’t call him back because I didn’t want to chase him. He never called me either. 3 weeks went by and I learned from a mutual friend that he decided to distance himself from me because he had to get his life straight. He failed to tell me that. I wrote him a letter expressing my confusion but I was nice and supportive to him in the letter. I also told him that I stopped calling him because I wasn’t going to chase him when there were plenty of other men that would want to talk to me if I choose to date again. I was going to mail it, but my inner voice told me to drop it off at his home. I pulled in his driveway and another women was sitting on his porch. I walked up to her and I asked her if she was dating him. She said yes. I found out that he had been seeing her for at least 2 months so while he was texting me wanting me back after his other affair he was already seeing her. I told her that I was dropping a letter off. She asked me if I was dating him and I told her we were dating for 3.5 years. She went in the door and called out to him that I was there and the fact that he was cheating on her. He came to the door and asked me what I wanted. I gave him the letter and asked him how long he was seeing her and he told me it was after he broke up with me which he never did. I knew that he was lying. He doesn’t know that I know he lied to me. He hasn’t contacted me by phone or text but I noticed he is liking my stuff on Instagram. He must be checking my site regularly because about 4-6 hours after I post something I already has liked it and I don’t use Instagram very much. The other thing that happened is his brother in law friend requested me on FB and I only met his brother in law once 6 months ago for an hour and he didn’t even know my last name. My ex-boyfriend works with him. I didn’t accept or decline the friend request and I don’t plan to. After this I put it together that he is a Narc. I clearly see the signs but I’m hurting and feel stupid. I have listened to several You Tube videos. My question is why is he liking my stuff and what do you think is going on with his brother in law friend requesting me? If he ever wants to talk to me my plan was to meet with him in a public place only and just be non-emotional and accept the fact that the relationship is over. If he tries to go back to me I was going to tell him that he’s cheated twice that I know of so we must not be a match and that I wish him well. Thank you for your help. I hope you can give me some insight as to what may be going on. Thank you

  184. I believe I was with a narc, but my issues were a little different. No physical abuse and I could have my friends and go out/travel when I wanted. He would often take pictures of me at times that were inappropriate and shameful, and he would think it was funny. He would also play little tricks on me that were funny at first, but turned old. The first time I had issues with him was when he secretly made a house key and just walked into my apartment – smiling. Of course, by then I was hooked and smiled back. Big Mistake. THEN he walked in the apartment with a huge dog (puppy), saying it will be gone in a week to go for “training” That week turned into about 6 months! the Narc finally went on an assignment and took the dog. We broke up at that time as well, but he never had any money! Car broke down, I paid; mother’s air conditioning went out, I paid; I think he actually stole money from me as well. He’s never been married and has no children; however, I’ve never met any of his family members – after almost 9 years!!!! I dated others while we broke up – twice, but he would soon come back into my life….. Never contributed to the household. After complaining about that, he would fix dinner a few nights and clean up a little. I would give him a list of what his portion of the household expenses were because he said he would help. Got about $400 after 4 months. In the past, I would tell him to leave if he wasn’t going to contribute – but it was always, ok, if that’s what you want, or okay, I’ll pay you next week, etc. I finally got rid of him – packed his stuff and left it at the door and told him to take everything before I got home. Looks like he never lived there and I think he stole a diamond bracelet I had. I’m so upset with myself because I took him back twice, and he would still get money from me and always promised to reimburse. Glad he’s gone and I’m on my way to healing… BUT I wonder if he was just a “loser” “smooching” boyfriend and not a Narc. Also, he is much younger than I am.

  185. I am the mother of a narcissistic adult daughter. She has treated me very badly for many years and recently, after asking her many times what the problem is and even requesting her to come to counselling with me to resolve the conflict, I decided to break contact to protect myself from the abuse, Now I am finding that she is trying to reach out to me – the latest being a birthday card in the mail and a text message as well. I have not responded. But it is VERY DIFFICULT. I’m sure you can imagine the dreadful sinking feeling I have over the situation. After all, she is my firstborn and my other children are perfectly fine, respectful and loving.
    Can you help me deal with with this?

  186. Sometimes I felt like I was the narcissist because I cared so much more for the relationship.

    I would be discarded by them, and I would go into a spiral of anxiety and fear of losing them. It was a cycle that lasted years. I would beg and plead, and eventually they would return. They knew right from the start we mattered more to me than them. That’s why each time I was discarded they didn’t have to hoover, or hoover very hard, because I would do that for them. I would validate their existence and importance for them. All I did was validate them, while I sacrificed myself, my dignity, and sanity.


  187. Hi Melanie
    Wow I’m here reading this in 2020. I was with the narc for 5 years and the entire time I knew things were wrong but couldn’t quite put my finger on it. I just knew that as much as he pressured me for marriage I didn’t want to marry him. Eventually I became a shell of myself and was discarded. He runs off and marries a new chick a few months later. A year and a half into my healing he moves in next door to me. It’s obviously deliberate cuz ppl say he bad talks me every chance he gets. He stares me down and hangs around outside. His wife always goes inside quickly so I hardly see her. Is this a hoover tactic?? It feels like he moved there to rub in my face that he got married without me. But I think somehow he hoped I would talk to him or something. Not sure how to read this move. Not to mention it set me back in my healing 🙁

    Desperate to heal

    1. Hi Nai,

      Gosh I am so sorry that you are having to live in such an unhealthy and traumatic dynamic!

      The truth is, who really knows why they do what they do, except that it certainly is incredible grist for us to get into our healing and freedom!

      Nai, have you checked out my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP). It is far and away the fastest process myself and other people here have used or are using to completely transform our lives after this.

      You can find out more about NARP here http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      I hope this helps and much love to you

      Mel 🙏💕💚

  188. My ex is a third level narc. Very controlling, physical, and emotional abusive. We share 3 kids, and I have to admit I was codependent on him for emotional support for 14 years. The pregnancy of my second child started with “do you want an abortion“? It ended with us going to jail over his infidelities with multiple women. It still haunts me. After a week of giving birth to that child, I committed myself to a mental hospital for suicide actions I tried to commit. My son was 10 days old at that time and I didn’t want to live. I tried to jump out a moving car into traffic. Til date, I am constantly mocked and taunted as some idiot for not wanting to live by him and his surroundings. Fast forward into 4 years of deep depression, self isolation, more cheating, arguing, physically fighting, and ostracized from peers we both know, I decided that I needed a change. Two kids and a single stay at home mom (I lived with just my kids). I still wanted to make “us” work because I just didn’t think God would give me kids with someone that wasn’t for me. I truly believed that. I gave my life to this man despite seeing who he is and I chose to accept him with all his flaws. I went back to school, worked and did everything for our kids alone. He and I had not lived together since we went to jail but we were still together and planning a wedding that was a couple of months of being paid off. He started ghosting the kids and I and no one (his mom and grandma) could tell me where he was. Those women enjoyed seeing me worrying over his whereabouts and didn’t care. I found out not to long after those incidents that I was pregnant in 2015 by passing out in the living room. I was in denial for about 4 months (my period was funny due to the nexplanon. This time I was certain I needed an abortion because of the implant in my arm. He was all too for it even offered to sell his car to fund it. I had the implant taken out and continued on with my pregnancy. He’d soon afterwards told me there was someone else and that she was better than me. He didn’t want anymore kids and went as far as to say she paid for him to have a vasectomy, ha! His family told me he didn’t want me and if it wasn’t for the kids he wouldn’t come around. WOW…. they took a lot of jabs at me. Despite all this, I got my money back for the wedding and I moved. He never came to any doctors appointments despite knowing. He didn’t come to the hospital the day he was born either. I found out later that he had slept with my next door neighbor the day I gave birth. He tried to move in, proclaiming his love for us all. I was just tired. I had earned my associates in psychology. Still going through this mess with him. I’m an ISTJ, so it’s hard for me to stop thinking about something and there’s no logical reason behind it. I thought he and his family would at least be proud that I had accomplished something and I was shut down again. Now I was lazy for going to school online. I was mentally unstable for recognizing the signs of him going astray. I felt I was breaking down again. I was going to school, paying my bills with student loans, staying at home with my baby to make sure he is loved. I even helped him with his school work, and through this, I found a name and email of a woman. I looked her up and found out she was the girl he was with during my pregnancy. By this time he had been with her 3 years to my knowledge. It turned out she is his second cousin and the share 2 kids as well. He discarded me on Mother’s Day 2018. Our conversation was, “ Him: I don’t love you.
    Me: Do you love her ? Yeah
    Him: You don’t love me.
    Him:You are selfish it’s all about you.
    Him: You’re so trifling and stupid acting
    Him: Quit being a bitch
    Him:You just mad I don’t love you!
    Him: You are just jealous of my relationship with her.
    Him: I don’t want you anymore
    Him. I have no emotions for you at all!
    Me: Wow…. okay.
    Him: But we can still be friends.
    When I say my soul shattered that day, it was god awful! It still stings. I shut down and my ptsd and triggers were in high gear.
    I just needed time to pull myself together after making so much progress on myself, I felt I was losing myself. Despite this, I graduated with my B.S. in psychology by the end of 2018. His incest girlfriend told me to get a job and that I could never amount to her. In my mind, I’m going “Never amount to you! He can’t even claim your kids as his own publicly because they are 3rd cousins and parent and child!!!!” I was offered a job by my kids principal to teach the following week. I was partitioned to go to court for visitation rights despite letting him see them daily and he was partially living with me. I was livid. He lied and cried like I was some vial woman that kept his kids from him every chance I got. I had countless video, tape recordings, of me begging him to just come see the kids, they are waiting on you, You promised you would get them. All went unheard by the judge. He lied and said we never made our own visitation agreement. I had proof that he had it and it was still thrown out. He would have been able to see the kids anytime he wants, kids would’ve been able to spend every weekend with him. I only asked that they were not seen at his mom house or around that female. That’s asking to much. He still doesn’t follow the order he asked for. Most days I feel like a plastic bag is on my head with a belt around my neck keeping the air out. I’m enduring and my youngest is only 3. I’ve stop being reliable to him. I’ve stopped calling. We communicate via email for the kids solely. He looks at me with disgust most days. I will let the kids face time him once a week, and he always ask where is your mom? What is she doing? Don’t you all want to be a family again? Don’t triangulate my kids. It’s so scary. I told him I was moving to Texas to finish my education, now the cousin barking about moving to Texas. I just want my life back. I need to break free. I even offered to pay child support and let him raise the kids just to see what he would say. Of course is was a flat NO! You’re doing a great job and are such a great parent to them. Why would I let someone else raise our kids?
    Now I would never give up my kids, but I needed proof in case he ever tries to say that he wanted to raise them and I wouldn’t let him. The female obsessed with me all her social media is about how she’ll hurt me and I’m a gorilla and he is nasty for ever messing with me. I feel that there is no need for me to respond to her messy life. I barely talk to him or see him and each month she is constantly talking trash. It’s harassment from both of them and it’s enough to make anyone want to retaliate. I keep telling myself that’s not my business and that’s not my life anymore. It’s hers. All I can say is you get what you sow. Now she’s pregnant with cousin baby#3. I’m sill moving. I have 3 little people that needs a parent with morals to be great in life. Not some inbreed hick that near 40 living with his mom.

  189. Hi Melanie,

    This post really resonated with me. I went back to my ex narc a few times and the abuse just kept getting worse. However a few weeks ago, I said I had enough, that I barely recognized him anymore. He said that I was absolutely right, and apologized saying also that “he doesn’t know himself either.” I was completely thrown by this, and now I feel like I’m losing my mind because I want him to contact me. It was truly a pattern of quiet then Hoovering than reconciliation then discard again, but now it’s like he has no interest in trying. I want to believe this is because I have grown in my own power but I can’t help but feel intense physical pain without him and the thought that he may have secured another source of supply. It literally makes me feel sick to think about another woman with him. I am addicted to receiving praise and sex, which I am struggling to surpass. I have purchased the program and I’m working diligently through module one. I discovered that although I had very loving parents, my father was controlling at times. I couldn’t stand up for myself at all, because it would be “talking back.” When I moved to another province to pursue a fun summer job, my father was not understanding and created guilt in me because he felt disappointed I wasn’t following a career choice in my field of study. I never truly wanted to pursue Science, but my father made it clear that fine arts was not acceptable and wouldn’t help me be self sustaining. My father denied this ever happened like I wouldn’t remember a deep cut like that.
    Now that my father has passed away (2 years ago), I feel incredibly lost, as he told me what to do for so long, I don’t even know how to make decisions for myself nor do I find joy in much anymore. However, my father was my greatest strength and always knew what to do. I feel he would tell me now as he has before, to “never go back for more pain.”

    I cannot make sense of this, and I don’t feel comfortable labeling my dear father as a narc. It just cannot be.


    1. Hi Amy,

      Firstly, I wish to say my deep condolences for the loss of your father Amy, and we are all sending you so much Love.

      I promise you, sweetheart, that feeling as if you are irrelevant and abandoned and unloved can be incredibly painful. This used to throw me and make me miss narcissist one horrifically as well.

      Amy, I promise you that this is all to do with deep unhealed parts that are being triggered within you. If you make this all about your inner healing, you will find these parts and be able to release and reprogram them and go free from them.

      This means that not only will you be free from him, but also the connection to people in the future who are representative of these unhealed parts.

      Amy, it totally is time to start your NARP healing modules again, http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp that’s your answer. Are you a Gold Member? If you are, I can’t recommend enough that you come into the NARP members forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member so that we can help support you in this crucial time.

      Dear Lady, it’s so important to know that of course, you can’t make sense of this. The reason is that your mind is stuck in the consciousness of the trauma that is being generated from the old past trauma still wedged in your Inner Being. When you do the NARP work then you will have relief and freedom and totally come to your senses. That’s the way it works, the mind follows the brain, it’s not the other way round.

      I hope that this make sense and I’m sending you the power and inspiration to keep healing. It’s key.

      Please know this is not about labelling your father of the narcissist or otherwise at all. It is simply about finding the trauma in your body that is keeping you enmeshed in this, releasing it and going free, regardless of where it came from.

      All of it is about bringing you back to love and truth and wholeness.

      Much Love

      Mel 🙏💕💚

  190. Hi Melanie: Thank you so much for providing such practical resources to rid ourselves of what seems to be in my case a virus. So many testimonies confirm an almost blueprint from the perspective of romantic love but do you think narcissism can be passed on like a virus within families and the scapegoats are in a bizzare way protected?

    1. Hi Nigel,

      it totally is a virus, absolutely.

      Yes, Nigel narcissism is narcissism, and the roots of it go from generation to generation. It’s fear, pain and unconsciousness, until somebody awakens and breaks the cycle.

      Much love to you

      Mel 🙏💕💚

  191. Hi Mel:),

    I loved this blog post! There is a challenge that was not addressed that I wonder if you comment on. How do you not get hoovered but yet co-parent? I did read the blog about limited contact due to co-parenting but I still am left wondering about techniques or strategies when there has to be some communication. This is especially true when you are given the impression it is a co-parenting issue and then it isn’t. But, at the same time, how do you know? When it comes to my kids, I don’t want to be left wondering.
    Thanks for all you do!

    1. Hi Brenda,

      I’m so glad that this resonated with you!

      If you Google my name plus words “Parallel Parenting” I hope that this information can help you.

      Also, I highly recommend that you come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to learn more about NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      The most successful parents in our community, dealing with shared custody are those who work with NARP and apply Parallel Parenting.

      I hope that these resources can help.

      Much love to you

      Mel 🙏💕💚

  192. Wow! So many comments on this article! So many stories I relate to. I left my most recent Narc in October 2019. I have been focusing on me and healing my inner wounds (with NARP- the ONLY thing that has ever helped me! Thank you Melanie!) which really had nothing to do with him at all! Getting my finances back in order finally! Even with CoVid and everything, I am doing so well and I am so proud of me for finally showing up for me and my inner being. And then, out of the blue… 9 months later. A text message inviting me for coffee. So innocent. Like we were friends. (And our final blow up which led to our breakup was because I wanted coffee- lol- the irony- and yet I think he said that on purpose to sting me.) Anyway, I ignored him, but I couldn’t stop obsessing about it. It was awful always thinking about him, reliving the good times and bad, wondering if he was okay, what he wanted, etc. I did a NARP healing, and then I blocked his phone number. That was hard, but I did it! Less than a week later, I get an email from him! It’s like he could feel me pulling away and healing and then he could feel my confusion. The email confirmed for me 1000% that he is truly a narc and I dodged a bullet. Professing his love, apologizing (a little- and only for one small thing), suggesting he get counselling, saying he wants to live with me for the rest of his life. OMG! Out of the blue- he wants to go back to “what we had”. But then I remember why we broke up- his angry outbursts, the name-calling, the gas lighting, when he said I ruined his life, he gave up everything for me, blah, blah, blah. So I DID respond to his email and told him that I am healing and focusing on me- that my life has only gotten better since I left, even thanked him for showing me the parts of me that needed healing. I told him I wasn’t willing to give up all my progress by going backwards and I suggested that he turn inwards too to heal his wounds. (I’m sure he loved that!) I haven’t heard a peep! It was clear he was just after supply and when he didn’t get what he wanted, he became silent. I am trying to detach and do Module 1 of NARP again! Clearly, there is still a part of me that is hanging on to something. But this recent interaction showed me what he is really after. He wants the picture perfect relationship without having to be real or do anything. He painted himself like a lonely victim and I started to feel sorry for him, but then I stopped myself. No more empathy for him! I am so proud of myself for not falling for the hoovering, but I still have work to do on detatching completely. I don’t even hate him or how he treated me anymore- I don’t wonder why or how he could do those things because I know. He’s a wounded, traumatized child inside and there is absolutely NOTHING I can or should or could do about that. My only repsonsibility is to care for my own wounded traumatized child. To be honest, I feel a little sad, like I’m grieving, and I guess I am. I am grieving the loss of an illusion, though. Nothing was real about our relationship. Anyways, sorry to ramble. Hopefully, someone can relate to this and find hope. Truly, Melanie’s NARP program is a miracle! After decades of talk therapy and CBT with very little progress, I can tell you, Quanta Freedom Healing works!! I resist it sometimes (and I don’t know why- probably just fear of change even if I know it’s for the better) but when I do a healing, the relief is unbelievable. Happy healing, NARPERS!! 🙂

  193. It really is as you say Melanie, a playbook that they use and once you become aware of what it is they are doing and more importantly aware of self, their next move becomes more and more obvious.
    After months of no contact, in comes The pre Xmas Hoover text. Once I would have believed all the words and relented, broken no contact and gone running back. Now the text just sounds like “blah blah blah ME blah blah blah more about you need to contact ME” and on it goes under the guise of saying they miss and love you and pinpointing a particularly tragic moment in your life.
    But when it got zero reaction/reply/response from me I absolutely knew it would escalate and so it did…
    There it was standing behind me at an event I had organised a week or so after the text, smiling at me like it thought I would be so happy/relieved/pleased to see it. Yeah naaahhhhh
    A small moment where I just rolled my eyes and walked past it with no further interaction.
    The group of people I was with enclosing around me and completely ostracised it leaving it alone with no supply from anyone and it left the event with its tail between its legs. How embarrassing that must have felt.
    And once again because of no supply from me another text that night now all agro trying to Hoover me in with accusations and cruelty and the usual delusional insanity. I’m guessing that text from a week earlier claiming to love and care is no longer relevant huh? lol lol lol

    Once you know the playbook and you are in your own power, it’s a very different dynamic.

  194. Well said and I agree that it’s really not appropriate or anyone’s right to have the upper hand on another. Red flag for sure if someone is trying to play out a master and servant game with you especially when it’s not consenting. And yeah definitely agree it’s not a good idea to try to be like a Friends sitcom where they all stay friends and the girls keep tabs on their exes and stay involved in their personal lives. It’s youthful folly to think you can all just hang out and chill especially when you know it’s hurting you. Typical for young people in their 20’s to try that but it just makes everyone feel stupid and shitty and besides, healthy, sane people prefer to not butt into their exes relationships or marriage.

  195. I’m so glad for this website . I didn’t even know I was with a narcissist. Thank God for YouTube especially Melanie who doesn’t only explain it but helps navigate healing with it . I got the I swear on my children’s life and I literally went through their phone and found lord that made me absolutely sick .

  196. Would you expect a 75 y.o. female psychopath who spends a lot of time copulating with young bucks in the area could/would ever recognize the folly in her ways? Divorced 20 years ago, a classic pathological sort if I ever saw one. Has the body a 25 year old model would give her eye teeth for. Obviously has genetic traits in her favor, but she has no close friends. Had a co-dependent husband for 25 years, for a different reason he went along with her request for a divorce. Claimed he was seeing his mother excessively and the divorce was granted on that basis. In reality, I think he got totally sick of her psychopathy.
    Can I bring her home to my mother?

  197. Hi Melanie 💕,
    This was really helpful! I’m not sure if you’re still commenting on here being that the post was from a long time ago, but my husband and I are trying to recover from his narcissistic mother and narcissistic enabler father. The really hard part is that they were actually great parents to him, but they are extremely hurtful grandparents. I just realized after 6 years of dealing with their hurt and confusion that my mother in law is actually narcissistic. She is an overt narcissist, so a lot harder to spot.
    She is hovering now. She calls him weekly and leaves voicemails on his phone. We have gone no contact.

    We had a huge falling out with them because for 6 years they picked on and mistreated our two innocent little girls. It all started when our first child was born 6 years ago. They only have 3 grandchildren and they favorite his brother’s child by buying him the world. They also babysit and invest countless hours a week in this grandchild. When my girls would go over to visit they would tell us to bring all of their own toys from home because they don’t have any girl toys. It got to the point where my oldest started to ask me why there’s nothing there for them. This went on for years. It’s worse because the favorite is a boy. So there’s no girl anything there. We ignored it even though it was rubbed in our faces. I had to lie to my kids in order to cover up for them. I felt just awful and my kids felt unwelcome.

    Then it start to get worse because she wasn’t getting enough attention from us ignoring all of the hurtful actions. We still tried to keep the relationship going. The final straw was when she called us up to tell us that she was in a “deep dark place” because my kids are shy and don’t run up to her to give her a hug. She called our daughters “weird” because they can be a little shy (what 3 & 5 year olds aren’t?!). She also told us that she would have to settle for their personality and who they are as people. They then completely ignored my older daughters birthday a couple months after this. She didn’t even get a card from them. It’s just an awful situation. We are extremely hurt and confused.

    Now she’s hovering. Do you have any feedback for us? We’re naturally helping people and want to help fix them and help them to understand how to be good grandparents (which we’ve tried numerous times), but we are realizing that with a narcissist it’s impossible. Because it’s his parents we feel extremely guilty for going no contact. Any words or wisdom you have will be greatly appreciated!!!

  198. Hello Melanie, I can’t believe all the similarities in these men. As I read them all I could say was wow because I myself have experienced so much of the emotional rape, the lies, the cheating, the abuse mentally, financially, emotionally and physical and he played me so well and I fell for it all that when he asked to marry me, I accepted and got married. Two months in I found he was cheating on me with another woman. When I look back I think of how much of a stupid fool I have been and here I am still with this liar who says he’s a changed man. He’s a changed man alright he changed his job so now it’s easier for him to cheat without my ever finding out but energy doesn’t lie. How he treats me with that distance and coldness always reveals to me there is someone else in the picture. I pay for everything all he pays is electric and barely pays that and buys food and toiletries and sometimes falls short of purchasing and paying for those. I own my home so I pay my own mortgage as well. When we broke up while married he stuck me with a vehicle in my name I got for him and I still took him back after he purchased me another Diamond ring purchased watches and sent me flowers and gifts on gifts and receiving them made me feel loved. He said he wanted to move back and us work on our marriage cause we were meant to be, said he would pay half of every bill, etc. He has done nothing he said he would do. Thank God I am blessed with a job I can take care of all my bills on my own. Oh my God I could tell you so much I still continue to go through but yet I stay as if I don’t want to let go even though I know he is doing nothing for me and he does not value me only for what I can do that will benefit him and it’s not even about sex anymore as it was in the beginning. He’s hurt me so from the lies, cheating, and how he has mistreated me that it doesn’t bother me when he is unavailable for me. I only take note of it in my head. I feel like I’m under a spell as if he has done some black magic that prevents me from ending it. In my past relationships before him I would have never stayed in a relationship with any man who has done all the things he has done to me. I would have ended it the first time I found him in a lie, cheating, the gaslighting and games played. I sometimes say to myself what the hell has happened to me? It’s just too much to type all I have been through. I’m still trying to figure out why and what I’m going to do to protect my home because I believe he’s here to gain it from me. I’m so hurt inside.

    1. Hi Dee,

      what you have been going through and still are is sooo painful.

      My heart goes out to you.

      The insidious hooks of narcissitic abuse truly are mind and soul bending. I agree SO many of us were completley bamboozled as to why we stay with THIS person, when we would never do that with another.

      Dee, I’d love you to come into my FREE Masterclass to help you understand WHY this is happening, and also how I can help you shift out of this and come back into your clarity, releif and power … to break this spell.


      I so hope that this can help you

      Mel 🙏💞🦋

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.