Melanie Tonia Evans

The Real Reason Why The Narcissist Punishes You

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 45
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans


I really want to put forth this question.

When we are hooked up in narcissistic abuse (in our “normal” life of gauging things from the “outside in”) our real life experiences tell us that this person, the narcissist, is brutalising us like our worst enemy – relentlessly and manically. As if this person is taking incredible pleasure doing so … and for whatever reason he or she won’t let up.

We also have the compounding horror that we seem to be trapped in this! Why can’t we walk away? We can’t we leave? And even if we have physically we can’t seem to emotionally. And why do we keep getting drawn back in time and time again?

If we are honest with ourselves we know that the torture in some crazy way extends to the way we are torturing ourselves.

But is that it? Is that the whole picture, or is there something more going on here?

I promise you the deep exploration of this question: what can you learn from the narcissist’s punishment? is the Thriver Model, and it is a fundamental key to recovery – the understanding of how much the narcissist is in fact the messenger of something deeper that we need to understand.

In this article I am going to share with you the deeper truths about what we can learn and heal from the hideous torture, and how this bears incredible gifts.


How Narcissists Target Wounds

Narcissists connect with you deeply – or so it seems. And this is exactly how a narcissist needs to operate, because they fear people. You see narcissists are hugely insecure, they have fragile egos, they don’t trust others, and their beliefs and behaviours are very egoic (outer survival based) and steeped in fear, competition, lack and neediness.

This means that narcissists need to control others. Somewhere in their past they learnt that their True Self was not adequate to get its needs met, and what was required to not be emotionally annihilated was a False Self – a buffer – that could pretend to be someone who the narcissist is not and manipulate, deceive and avoid accountability. The False Self defences are this: “If I control you, you can’t hurt me again”.

This is the replay of original childhood wounds, this time as a more equipped and practiced adult, using tactics to survive from the terror of the alive and festering wounds inside the narcissist – wounds of childhood neglect, abuse or enmeshment.

(It is vital to understand that old unhealed stuff is KEY in regard to anyone’s destructive, self-destructive, unwholesome or unhealthy behaviour. And I really want you to absorb that statement, because then you can understand exactly how that has played out for you.)

Therefore the narcissist needs to “know thy enemy” – anyone close to him or her. The narcissist gets to know you intimately, and in order to gather information he or she asks questions and listens attentively, to find your weakspots.

The narcissist knows that by hitting these weakspots that you are crippled emotionally and this causes you to hand power over by regressing into reactivity and helplessness and powerlessness.

The narcissist discovered the following at a very early age – deliver low blows that are people’s “chinks” and you can control them.

And it works every time, because when we have our own unhealed, unfinished childhood business we become “that child” emotionally in the fray. We try to make the narcissist change his or her opinion of us. We try to get them to “take it back”, and we try to make him or her “get” how wrong that statement / behaviour / action was.

We pretend we are the parent trying to get a narcissist to behave like a mature, respectful adult and be “decent”.

But that is NOWHERE near the REAL truth …

This is the truth … Oh boy this is the truth …

The TRUTH is we have regressed back to the child at the age of our unhealed wounds, and we are assigning the narcissist as the parent to FIX it this time.

This is how this works in our subconscious … “Mum you gave me a hard time from seven years of age about being fat. Now (Narc) I have assigned you as the person replaying what my mother did and I am going to cling to you relentlessly so that this time “Mum” can stop hurting me!”

Whoa – do you understand???

You need to, because it changes everything.

This is the TRUTH of what is playing out – you are bonded to the narcissist trying to fix what Mum did to you when you were seven, and the narcissist is getting an incredible feed of narcissistic supply from you whilst you remain trauma bonded.

This goes for every weakspot that the narcissist is hammering you with. Think about it, and you will start connecting the dots and realising how true this is.

Please understand, it’s not like the average narcissist is a “psychologist” and knows how this works and what is really going on. Unconsciousness is unconsciousness, and unconsciousness means, “I have no idea what I am generating with Life (personal responsibility) or what is really going on with my OWN consciousness (emotional and spiritual health).”

The narcissist is not likely to understand his or her wounded childhood plight let alone yours, but does know how to hook you and get narcissistic supply – as well as punish you to avoid his or her own dysfunctions (painful inner landscape) by lining you up, projecting his or her self-loathing on to you and making you become the “wrong” and “crazy” one.

This is where perpetual victims who are very unconscious go into overdrive. They play the righteous “parent” against the narcissist – they fight back, join Groups, spew damnation, research and share everything they can about narcissists trying to call them out and expose them.

But despite all their highly charged efforts they can never hold the narcissist accountable, they never feel vindicated and they don’t get better.

The reason being – they are NOT meant to heal that way …

Because that orientation is a completely wrong turn away from our healing and only creates a deeper cementing into victimisation.


Missing the Message or Getting it

The Victim Model creates ongoing trauma, powerlessness and blaming the narcissist.

In all my years helping people Thrive after narcissistic abuse, I have never seen one person operating in this model get better. In stark contrast I have seen them just get addicted to information about abusers, and joining in with other people who are also obsessed with finding out and sharing everything they can about narcissists.

From a Higher Perspective, as well as my own personal journey and sharing liberation with thousands of others, I know exactly why they are not getting better – because they are not working with the truth.

Here is the absolute truth: We created at soul level contracts for these people to come into our lives.

Now there is the ultimate statement that will make people really want to crucify me! And that’s okay, because I’ve heard it all before … things like “Melanie, you are telling me I CHOSE this? How DARE you say that!”

Yes I am saying it’s true … not consciously of course, no-one would from the limited human logical perspective choose to be abused by a narcissist. What I totally do know, however, is that at a Higher Soul Level we wish to evolve and there is no better way to evolve ourselves than to be pushed into the density of darkness to be forced to transcend it and come out released into the light.

It’s a journey of “Return To Love” – it’s a journey of releasing ourselves from the illusions of fear, pain, separation and judgements and coming face to face with our wounds (that were originally unconscious) of not being self-partnered and self-loving which were holding us back from an expanded life experience.

I promise you if you were born into a family of narcissists this is a soul-journey. You are not just evolving “this life”. We are born with existing emotional / belief system DNA, generational DNA, past-life unresolved trauma etc.

There is a Higher Reason for all of it, and the best way to “get the message delivered” of what we need to heal within ourselves is to have someone else bring these wounds forth for us in such a way that we cannot ignore them anymore.

THAT person is a narcissist. Garden variety abusers aren’t so heartless, exact or punishing, and often we miss those messages.

Narcissists do it more powerfully than any other person, and their incredible purpose as a False Self is to NOT STOP delivering the torture until you get the message.

And there is no other solution to your narcissistic abuse experience of personal higher evolution other than healing your wounds that they are exposing for you, because you can’t beat a narcissist with logical defences, righteousness, blaming, trying to expose them, researching more about them or joining groups that demonise them.

And you certainly cannot free yourself from the torture of your inner wounds which have been hammered and activated. That’s what all the symptoms of C-PTSD etc is … I promise you … it’s your unhealed, disowned wounds eating you alive – the wounds that only you can turn to.

The truth is this … You can’t heal any other way than to “get the message” – because this isn’t about the narcissist – it is about healing your own wounds.

When you receive the message and heal those original wounds I promise you “the messenger” (the narcissist) does not need to be in your reality anymore, at all, let alone abusing you.

That is EXACTLY why my Thriver Healing process has created breakthrough healings in this community by the thousands. Because the Higher Perspective – the reality of what is really going in – is addressed.

And it is the only way we are set free.


Facing Our Wounds

If we are unconscious and stuck in victimhood and blaming, our wounds can be hard to acknowledge. We also have the conditioned beliefs, “It’s not safe to be vulnerable and wounded”, so most of us set up elaborate defences around ourselves in order to not be rejected, abandoned or punished and we refused to, in that state, look at our own Inner Beings – thinking that would mean “more lack of love and abuse”.

Nothing could be further from the truth! Because when we do come inside and self-partner, we change our entire life beyond description from the inside out (which is where it needs to happen) and we wonder how on earth we were living any differently.

This is the New Love Revolution Model for our world – where one person at a time, as a result of becoming authentic and free of emotional inner wounds, we will change our world beyond description … and I have to say I am very excited and honoured to be a part this revolution and to help others achieve it.

And this has nothing to do with being “fluffy”, “new-agey” or “spiritually delusional!” What it does mean is that we are anchored in our own bodies with maturity, solidness, self-love and self-respect and we are no longer derailed by our young childhood wounds that were all about not loving and respecting ourselves.

No longer are we showing up in ways that hand our power over because of the unfinished business of fear of rejection, punishment or abandonment from others. This is a model of becoming truthful and showing up as an authentic self.

It’s a model that when we become self-partnered, authentic and self-loving, abuse is never our reality again. We become conscious. We don’t harbour pain, fear and judgement (then have to live out more of it). We are freed from all of those cycles – in order to enjoy real life … Power-fully.

Without being narcissistically abused, for most of us, that would never have been possible. We would have just continued living out the “normal” pain of not being self-partnered, not ever healing our wounds and never knowing what our Highest Self and Life was truly capable of.

The transcendence of who we were being to Who We Really Are is never possible until we embrace and partner with ourselves fully wounds and all.

The relief of being real with ourselves is astounding. Showing up to ourselves as this: “Inner Being I know you are wounded, I love you unconditionally, and I am doing everything I can to partner and heal you” is mind-blowingly comforting.

We realise when we start doing this for real that this level of love was the love we have been looking for all of our life – thinking we could get it from outside of ourselves – but discovering that what we were getting instead was only more of our wounds.

Now you know why!

Last week in my article Healing From Narcissistic Abuse – The Body Connection I talked about self-partnering, what it is, how we have all been disconnected from ourselves, and how this has led to disassociation, not trusting ourselves, handing power over, looking for outer answers and created us gravitating to and hooking up with other disconnected people (co-dependents and narcissists).

I totally believe that everyone who has been narcissistically abused is on the soul journey to clean this up.


This Stuff Has Not Just Played Out With the Narcissist

We may think that “our wounding” has only happened with the narcissist, or even that the narcissist caused it to begin with.

You may wonder how this relates if you were born into a family of narcissistic abuse. This is in relation to previous DNA, your soul’s journey and what your Higher Self wants your evolution path to evolve beyond. I do not, as a previous past-life regression, or a soul healer believe in any shape of form that this lifetime is all that that we have experienced or will experience.

There is also a bigger collective purpose for all of us. Not only do we have the ability to liberate ourselves from emotional wounds and trauma, we are also healing for our children, future generations and humanity in general as a result of evolving ourselves.

Truly, we are all in this together, and this is the pro-active movement that will be effective in freeing our world from abuse.

So the bottom line is: no matter who and when our wounding came, we need to understand the deep patterns within ourselves and heal them in order to set ourselves free. As a child, yes you were powerless, but as an adult you are not.

And when we don’t get the “message” that is being delivered to us, Life will turn up the volume trying everything it can to get our attention. This is why it makes so much more sense, and works so much more effectively when we turn around, come inside ourselves and do that.

In regard to any form of narcissistic abuse, these patterns are not new. I promise you there is not one person who I have worked on with Quanta Freedom Healing where the wounds cannot be traced back to original events, DNA generational or past life programs in their subconscious. The exact wound that is traumatising them via the narcissist today. This wound until it is evolved is stuck in repeat.

Even people who adamantly declared there was no correlation found it and saw it themselves point blank in the healing process. And then when they started releasing and up-levelling that wound, they had full awareness of the many other ways that wound had limited their life.

You see, when we are still in the wound, we are unconscious – our limited state and fear and blocks that have held us back are our “normal” … we usually have had them all of our life. Yet when we release and up-level our inner wounds, it opens up space for evolution, consciousness and growth. We start expanding into the knowing of the “bigger picture” exponentially, and we realise things that we had never realised before. Things that grant us enormous feelings of relief, peace, love and wholeness.

The truth has a profound way of doing that, hence the expression: The truth sets you free.

As a really simple example (among thousands) my fears of abandonment were massive “gaps” that both narcissists tore down. When I up-levelled and healed beyond this fear I saw how I had self-abandoned myself so many times by not speaking up, because of the fear that I would “be left”. I did it with friendships, business and family as well as intimate partner relationships. And I had suffered a great deal of abuse, exploitation and pain as a result in many areas of my life.

It was a massive Achille’s Heel, and I had never realised it – I had been blaming others for it all my life, hence why it was continuing.

Thank goodness that the narcissistic experience was so big I finally found and released and up-levelled the three year old trauma energy trapped in my subconscious which had been generating the effects ever since. Not only did I transcend past any attachment to narcissists, I also improved every area of my life as a result of being able to show up without this young emotional terror.


How Do We Work Out Our Wounding?

It’s crazy simple when you stop trying to figure out emotions logically.

Crazy simple! Especially when you have a process to do it.

And it’s vital, because you need to understand that your logical mind was never meant to be in charge of sorting through emotional triggers. It has no ability to.

I shared the process – to connect to emotional triggers – in last week’s article. This was the self-partnering exercise.

When we do this process within a Quanta Freedom Healing session, we also have the energetic tool to load up all the connected childhood, Past Life and generational DNA programs connected with the trauma we are tracking in the body. Then that trauma is released from our body (subconscious / cells) and replaced with our True Self state.

This creates instant healing on these traumas, because once we get a body shift, the brain neuron pathways automatically release from old painful connections to form healthy ones. We have literally just changed our mind as a result of changing our body. And this is where the new paradigm of healing needs to go to have any real effect – we need to change our body / emotions first in order to change our mind.

That process is the most profound way to “get the message’ and work with it. It’s a powerful way to shift ourselves beyond the traumas that were keeping us emotionally stuck to and abused by abusers.

It’s incedibly simple to do, because all we need as the starting point is to start listening to our bodies. It stores all information, it is connected to our evolution, and it knows everything about us.

(I promise you your logical mind doesn’t have access to these deeper truths).

And it is this simple: truly … All we need to do is tune into, “What hurts the most right now?” emotionally

No longer do we need to do the logical and exhaustive exercises of researching copious amount of information about narcissists, seeing any number of therapists, reading countless books or attending seminars on all sorts of different topics in an effort to get relief and get well.

Because ALL we ever need to do is come inside our own body.

That’s it – I promise – then each trauma one by one by one is shifted and transformed. That’s the exact direct and simple process.

It’s so interesting how in our disconnection from selves, and being thrown into our heads by human conditioning that we have become so confused, disorientated, and so outer focused that we have over-complicated our healing to ridiculous proportions. And of course the huge block is being taught to stay in our heads and NOT self-partner emotionally. Because of course that would mean we could never resolve, heal and integrate with ourselves (I talked all about this in last week’s article).

Truly – there is no need to over-complicate anything anymore. There is no need for “analysis paralysis”, and before we know it we just start breaking free from trauma, the narcissist and we start to get well. And the attacks coming from outside of us stop, because there is no wound left inside generating it for the purpose of our own evolution.

So now that you have taken all of that in … let’s investigate how our unhealed wounds played out with the narcissist.


Our Unhealed Wounds With Narcissists


How the narcissist shows up

When the narcissist comes into your life he / she has worked out what turns you on. He / she has sensed what your wound is and then appears to be the saviour of that wound.

For example if “fear of abandonment” is big for you, the narcissist will make out he/she is loyal beyond measure, totally committed and would never leave you or betray you.


How the devaluation happens

The narcissist inevitably will need to punish you when you have not appeased the False Self enough, and / or the narcissist fears that you may be getting the upper hand, or your own autonomy. Your major emotional wound(s) will be a target.

So for example the narcissist may, at a time when you feel all snug and secure, pull the carpet out from under you and “dump” you without warning. You will be triggered into your young abandonment wound, and react with panic, and rather than pull away you will attach your energy to the narcissist even more.


Why you are hooked and the results of being hooked

When we have hit the point of our soul co-creating with Life our own evolution, Life is very insistent about trying to make the unconscious conscious.

If we are wounded and we are receiving someone attacking our wounds and we don’t come inside ourselves to heal these wounds – this person (or other people) will keep attacking our wounds.

This usually compounds with people used for abuse by proxy (I really dislike the expression “flying monkeys”), legal personnel, court systems etc.

The longer we stay unconscious the more we hang on, can’t let go, and the more our activated wounds get compounded with no relief or healing.

We try to force the person who has activated our wound to heal our wounding for us, because we have unconsciously assigned them as the original role model who hurt us in the first place – and we want to right the wrongs of our history through this person.

But this never works, so we may start up secondary addictions and obsessions such as Abuse Forum venting, drinking, drugs, sex, shopping etc to try to escape the pain of the addition to making the narcissist responsible for the healing of our original wounds.

We disintegrate further rather than use the experience to integrate.


How you get unhooked and the results of breaking free

It’s essential to realise there is a bigger picture purpose to all of this, and that Life and your Soul is working for you and not against you.

What is happening to you is all a vital message to come home to yourself to heal – the getting inside your body, being in contact with your subconscious and healing your inner traumas and wounds in order to evolve yourself and your life experience.

When you do find and up-level these wounds a profound shift in consciousness occurs. You grow up that part of yourself. And what this means is you start showing up on this topic as an adult and no longer a wounded child.

Then you see the “game” for what it is. There is no need to fix, change, stop or justify anything. There is no more the feelings of intense love, bonding and connection that you had whilst trying to re-create an abuser as a loving parent this time.

In fact you will become turned off this person, even repulsed, then indifferent and eventually feel compassion for the narcissist (from a distance). Knowing that you have grown through this experience in ways that create the most incredible joy and freedom in life, but this person will forever remain trapped in their childhood wounds – because he or she will remain unconscious.

But you didn’t … you woke up.

And you feel incredible gratitude, because there is absolutely no need to “get” the message any more – you have moved way beyond it, and are now enjoying the benefits.

In Conclusion …

This is why the Thriver Model of recovery is a 180 degree turn from what you are taught in abuse forums, which are all about intense narcissistic focus, and even in standard psychology. When the focus is on the narcissist and does not contain the Higher Self spiritual beliefs of: there is a Higher Reason for this, then we are left with only the formula of victimisation with no way inside ourselves to go to the origin of why this happening.

There has to be a better way – and there is a better way. A direct way, a powerful way and way that grants us relief very quickly, because our Inner Being knows we are on track regarding evolving ourselves.

I would love to show you how to achieve this in my next Webinar – where you can experience physically and emotionally what it is like to locate, release and up-level the wounds that have kept you trapped in abuse …

And then for real you will break free.

Click here to reserve your space for this 3 hour tele-class.

Please also note my latest YouTube video Is the narcissist the torturer or the messenger? In this video I share the most common examples (ones I hear ever single day in the community) of how the narcissists traps us with our wounds.

I’d love you to watch this short video and if you enjoy it, please leave a comment letting me know what you think.

As always I look forward to answering your questions and your comments.


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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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106 Thoughts on The Real Reason Why The Narcissist Punishes You
    ellie Allen
    August 14, 2015

    My ex husband narcissist has passed away but my eldest daughter has adopted his role and has pushed me out of her life and I have not been allowed to see my 2 grand daughters for 2 years. she is also encouraging my son and 2nd daughter to treat me the same. I am so hurt and DO need to work from within- I want to run away and push them out of my life as I feel that this is the only way to empower myself. but where would I run to I would only hurt myself even more. Ellie

      August 15, 2015

      My children have also done this to me. They take after their narc mother in a lot of ways and I hope they never have children. I have come to peace about not having contact with my kids anymore. I accept it as a way that I no longer resonate with them. I have grown and healed in many ways and being around my very difficult children no longer inspires me. I feel I no longer have to be around nasty and unhappy people.

      I remarried to a wonderful lady and I still have my siblings and they have been supportive. If my children choose someday to heal and want me back in their lives that’s okay. But as most narcs, they will never face and resolve their issues. So I seriously doubt they will ever seek healing.

      I live my life and they may live their own lives and I’m at peace with it.

        October 13, 2017

        Do you think it’s hereditary and they were born like that ? I also know of children who are grown who are the same, take after their dad.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 15, 2015

      Hi Ellie,

      the truth is the healing journey is about working on healing our Inner Being traumas and then we know what to do with people – and are able to do it without the agony.

      Ellie you have been through a lot of trauma and I would love you to come into my Webinar Group –

      Mel xo

        September 2, 2015

        OMG this page actually just opened up on my screen!!! I wasn’t typing at the time or using my mouse at all!!! (I promise I’ll stop with my excessive punctuation once I get this synchronicity off my chest…OK just a few more “!!!”)

        I looked up and saw this article. What the hell is going on? How did that just happen?

        This issue has been with me for the past 3.5 years and I was screaming last night to my guides to please give me an answer to stop the torture. My brain was on repeat like the worst nightmare for so many years and I constantly wondered why I needed closure from someone I barely knew.

        I’m a daughter of a narcissistic mother. I was abandoned as a little girl and again 3.5 years ago from a narcissist.


        Sydney, Australia

          June 7, 2017

          Yes it resonated with me too. I’m trying to work out if my mum is a do you know? To what extent did she abandon you? My parents continually abandoned me and were never emotionally available for me. I feel like I wasn’t parented by either of them and when I was a little girl my mum would always leave me in the house. She would go out and would never tell me as if I wouldn’t notice but I did and I remember crying on my own. She also abandoned me growing up and I had nowhere to live. I also had a narcissistic stepmother who completely removed my dad so that I was abandoned in the house.


          June 9, 2017

          God answers prayers! 🙂 Praise Him!!!

        Victoria Bauer
        March 21, 2016

        That was incredible! It is the second time I’ve read this article! I realise so much from when you first posted this Melanie! Words can’t do justice to the remarkable evolution of my life on this journey to liberation. I have never felt so peaceful and knowing that I am co-creating my life. This gift, this liberation, is something I never imagined possible. I want to share this knowledge. I feel a pull to sharing this knowledge channeled through the course you have written, with secondary students who are attached to trauma and trapped. How shall I go about this Melanie? Can the schools purchase a package from you? I am in the early days of fashioning plans for this project. Secondary students are in need of a way like adults. Youth depression is alarming. I truly look forward to your advice here.

        Sweet Mel
        February 1, 2017

        Hi Melanie,

        This has got to be one of the best articles I’ve read yet…and I think I’ve read them all. 🙂

        Thank you for sharing and for inspiring me to see the good from this terrible experience. I have to say I’m a very naive and loving person and was shocked to learn that people like this exist. I am healing and I’m thankful to have stumbled upon this article. I realize the importance of self reflection and looking at my own childhood. There were so many times early on in my relationship with a narc when I should have loved myself more. I could have prevented a lot of heartache, but I’m glad I realized I was dealing with a narc after 2 years. I’m lucky it wasn’t longer. Thank you! Peace and love to you all. This is a major learning lesson.

      December 6, 2016

      Ellie the only relationship you can depend on is the one with your creator Jehovah God
      He will never leave you
      Jeremiah 17:
       7 Blessed is the man who puts his trust in Jehovah, Whose confidence is in Jehovah.

        Valerie Palmer
        May 25, 2017

        Sorry, but Jehovah Witnesses do not have the TRUTH! They were the wounding in my childhood!

    August 14, 2015

    This whole premise of the narcissist presenting as a physical manifestation of one’s inner wounds has been extremely difficult for me to accept. Despite difficulty believing this, I have gone ahead and utilized your healing approach and started to tune into my body, talk to my inner child, validate what happened and self partner. I am slowly beginning to feel relief and (dare I say) actual happiness in my life again. I can’t even tell you how long it’s been since I genuinely felt happy to just be. Before this experience, I always felt that I wasn’t “allowed” to be happy unless I was doing something to help someone else. I have many programs like this inside of me that I am now confronting. Thank you for these wonderful tools. I am beginning to understand the energetic power of emotions and that Quantum Healing sort of speaks the language of emotions. Deep emotional wounds can’t be healed with talk therapy because words are an energetic mismatch for emotions. Energetic healing is truly the only valid approach here.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 15, 2015

      Hi Bea,

      I can understand this – because somehow it feels like we are at “fault” … But truly its no-one’s fault – its simply been the dire unconsciousness and “separation” beliefs on our planet … all starting with being drastically unpartnered from ourselves.

      I love that you are coming home to yourself and organic happiness which is simply Divinity flowing through us naturally when we get enough trauma out of our bodies!

      You are so welcome re the energetic tools – so correct Bea we can’t address emotional signatures logically … it’s impossible, hence why the old trauma healing models have been so ineffective.

      I love that you took the plunge despite your previous beliefs and have reaped the rewards! Narcissistic Abuse has a way of being that make or break experience where we will try something new ..

      Bless and thank you for your post 🙂

      Mel xo

    August 14, 2015

    This is a remarkable article. I have just broken free from my narc but having read this, I totally see why I was in the relationship and why I tolerated the abuse. I wanted the approval and love from him that I never got from my mum as a child. He employed tactics like the silent treatment regularly, knowing how much it upset me as my mum did the same to me during my childhood. I replaced my mum with him and wanted a different result. ….I wanted him to acknowledge the hurt he was causing me. ..something I never got my mum to do. It now makes perfect sense. I realise now that I must work on my own self. …my self esteem. ..confidence etc. I must deal with my childhood issues and stop seeking the approval of others in my adult relationships. I thank my narc for delivering the message loud and clear! It has made me see me in a whole new light. ….work needs doing but I will get there!

      August 15, 2015

      I was amazed by your comment, it describes my life as well! Such a blessing to find Melanie and this article. I have to say that browsing those places that share everything about narcissists helped me realize the “monster” I had in front of me. Such an eye-opener. However, I was so looking for that Higher Perspective Melanie talks about. I know this is all about me and that my healing will also benefit my children. I am so excited to walk this healing path and embrace myself. Mary, I wish you the best in your own path, yes you’ll get there!!

      Melanie, all sort of blessings to yourself and your mission in life. Thank you for all you do.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 15, 2015

      Hi Mary,

      it is comments like yours that make me so happy and determined to be calling out the truth.

      You have already had a massive shift that is the ABSOLUTE difference between the powerless victim path and the gratitude, ascension and evolution of the Thriver Path.

      I am SO happy for you that this went “bang” in your consciousness.

      Mel xo

      January 22, 2016

      Thank u for all of this- i asked God a few nights ago to help me understand. Why this happened and why i still ?- truth is the boy i thought i was helping to be a man was a hurtful scum- i now must recover and learn to b happy

      May 31, 2017

      Thank so much for this article. My narc has actually help me find me, I was looking for a father figure in a man my father age, the love I didn’t have from my father as a child. I am so glad I spent 30 years with my narc, I was 18 he was 37, I was looking for some thing, the experience with my narc helped me love me more, thank God for the experience I wouldn’t be the person I am today.

    August 14, 2015

    I want to thank you, Melanie, for all you do to support and give us the tools to repair from the narcissistic abuse we have been subjected to! I have just come out of a 20 year narcissistically abusive marriage! He practically destroyed me!! In shock, daily, at the horrific things he would say to me…he ignored me, didn’t text me back, actedike I was crazy, I had problems letting go of past issues(his cheating…repetitively!), never wanting to spend time with me, never wanting to talk to me….hating talking to me!!! We lost a home and 3 evictions later, he took me off all important documents, off all credit cards and bank cards, lied about everything!! Got fired from jobs for stealing, lying, cheating… Same as his personal life! It has been 6 weeks… Thank you, ivel continue to grow and get stronger!

      August 14, 2015

      Wow. So sorry for this trial for you…I suffered similar. Almost 30 years, and in the end, about 7 years of Stockholm Syndrome after my ex was indicted for a huge white collar scam. He hid it from me for 2.5 years, and I was trapped because he made me a corporate officer. I spent 7 years raising teenagers with multiple public shamings, evictions, repossessions, etc.waiting for him to go to jail so I could break free. When he went to prison in 2010, I was so damaged, drugged on antidepressants, and without any emotional support or understanding from family or other, the C-PTSD took over. I wish you well in your journey back. I met a lovely man, felt real love for the first time, and am rebuilding. You will too! Melanie GETS IT, and her sharing is SO VALUABLE!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 15, 2015

      Hi Tara,

      you are so welcome ..

      Please understand Tara that what happened to all of us is “shocking” but you need to give up that story and stop cementing it for yourself … and even describing it.

      What the real story is – is this … not “what” happened to me, but “why” it happened to me. Go inside, start making the connections and you will, like in Mary’s post above start to immediately feel relief.

      Because you have started the process of self-partnering. Until you do that – there is no way to get better.

      I’d love you to join me in my Webinar – you really could do with that …

      Mel xo

    August 14, 2015

    Thank-you, Ms. Evans for sharing your wisdom and insight on this topic with the world. It has opened my eyes a little wider and stretched my brain a little further, too! lol

    I agree with your statement about people staying stuck in victimhood. I’ve done it myself. There has to come a point in ones life when you stop playing the victim and start playing the survivor.

    Growing up with physical and emotional abuse, I’ve always fought against it. Sometimes I feel like I won, sometimes I feel like I lost. Regardless of the outcome, it made me stronger and wiser.

    I also agree with ‘going within and healing your childhood wounds’. I believe everyone should, even narcissists. We are the sum of our experiences. Something made them this way.

    Society has deemed people and things to be replaceable. A sad truth. Most are only out for themselves and therefore only see themselves.

    It’s when you start thinking about others’ feelings and past wounds, that you might be able to understand and forgive. Not forget, not tolerate, but forgive.

    God bless.


    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 15, 2015

      Hi Lynn,

      you are very welcome.

      This is about stretching our brains – this is a necessity to expand our consciousness in order to get well!

      That is wonderful that you no longer want to remain stuck as a victim …

      I do want to share with you something, re my take on the word “survivor” ..

      This is part of a post I just shared with my Webinar Private Facebook Group …

      “And please let’s take a stand here together …. from here on, in this Group, I don’t wish people to use the word “survivor” any more. That is a word of the past … a word from old obsolete healing paradigms.
      Mere “survival”, which standardly means an ongoing diminished life experience with the symptoms of narcissistic abuse, is not good enough for us and it never should have been. What is appropriate after experiencing the most horrendous breakdown of our life (a 10/10 in intensity) is the ability to mid-wife the most spectacular breakthroughs (10/10 in intensity) on the other side.
      Such is the Thriver Solution when healing from narcissistic abuse, and this is the only Community in the world that specifically caters to it.”

      (I hope this resonates with you!)

      I love what you have said here Lynn …

      “It’s when you start thinking about others’ feelings and past wounds, that you might be able to understand and forgive. Not forget, not tolerate, but forgive.”

      Absolutely … and so so true.

      Mel xo

    August 14, 2015

    Hi Melanie. Thank u very much for the info and all the other people’s experience. I’m with my narc for 11 years. 5 years then he cheated on me. First with his first girl friend and now with a friend of mine. Oh by the way I’m his third wife.(he had other relationships in between marriages) . His girlfriend of 4 years I’d the 9 that I know of. He has put me trough so many painful things. The one say I just came back from an oversees trip and he woke me up @ 4 on the morning, took me up a friends house were they were the whole night just for her to tell me she’s sleeping with him. I have so many painful stories just not true. We are divorced because of a business deal that went wrong, he suggested we divorce so we can out all the assets in my name
    She’s now telling stories that they can date cause he divorced me. We still stay together but there is no communication. I realized that I don’t love him but sorry for him. What he do does not bother me anymore. I’m unemployed @ the moment, he’s also not working. I didn’t tell him that I got my pension money cause I know what’s hone happen. I’m looking for a job and as soon as I got I I’m planning to move out.

    August 14, 2015

    Amazing article and it feels great to change my life and empower myself!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 15, 2015

      Hi Jean,

      it SURE does!

      You are “on song”, and our emotions always let us know when we are … by supplying feelings like these ones you are having.

      It is our Inner Being saying “Hello, you are going to partner with me! Thank goodness!”

      Mel xo

        August 16, 2015


    August 14, 2015

    Amazing description of how the abusers behave.I grew up with toxic parents.In my adult years,i became friends with a narc woman.At first,the relationship was great and i thought i never met someone like her.She appeared to have a good heart and her kind attitude towards me felt like heaven on earth.I have never been treated like a human being by my parents,so she was a breath of fresh air to me.I cried in her arms,telling her everything that my parents had done to me.She knew my exact vulnerabilities and that’s where she hit the worst.She told me that my parents were monsters,jerks etc.Then she fooled me into lending her a huge sum of money.

    That’s when my nightmare started.She totally changed into somebody i didn’t recognize anymore:the silent treatment,yelling at me,putting me down etc.She even threatened me that we would break up if i don’t listen to her advice.At first,she was like the mother i never had.So,at the prospect of a separation,i panicked at the thought of abandonment.I did not dare to ask for my money back.I was too afraid that she would get upset and leave me.

    7 years later,i finally woke up and began to see the truth and i started healing.As soon as i realised what she had done to me,i claimed my money back.But now it’s too late.In my country,after three years,any debt just vanishes like it never existed in the first place.The law is not on my side.She doesn’t answer my mails,messages or phone calls.I can’t show up on her doorstep as i’m afraid she and her family will get violent.Also,i found out that she took advantage of many people,not just me.She targeted the vulnerable,then she helped them,then she asked for money,and then she dissappeared.My only chance now to appear in court and to start a trial would be to find the other victims and try to persuade them to bring her to trial.Only the other victims now have a life of their own and they don’t even want to hear her name anymore.So,i’m all alone and my hands are tied and my money is lost.

    August 15, 2015

    great article…for the longest time i would say my narc did this did that and the other thing not realizing i was the one allowing it to happen and accepting it as the norm …in the end i took control and said see ya… for a while i couldn’t figure out why i was so hooked and what powers she had over me after reading your article if figured it out and i am working on my childhood unhealed wound…the same gaps she filled were the same gaps she would attack

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 15, 2015

      Hi Cam,

      how true “the same gaps she filled were the ones she attacked”.

      Totally … and we can never change the N .. or ANYONE outside us!

      The only solution EVER is healing the gaps!

      Mel xo

    August 15, 2015


    God sent, in-valuable work, Mel. :-))

    I am in process of removing myself from N. Narc and I live under the same roof… Timeline is 5 more days. In meanwhile – How do I tolerate or handle “antagonistic” behavior. He is disrespectful and creates up-heavel. That is my hook. Also, has shown up in many areas for me in the past. I need to heal this emotional wound.

    I have worked on healing my emotional wounds of fear, abandonment, disrespect. What is behind upheavel and my desire to have PEACE? How do I heal from that.

    Thank you for your suggestions.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 15, 2015

      Hi Bria,

      are you on the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program, and in the NARP Private Forum getting help with Thriver Moderators?

      If you are serious about up-levelling NARP is the powerful solution, (maybe you are already in NARP?) and any assistance for anything you get stuck on is available in the Forum

      Bria you need to have a tool that can do it, and then truly all it is, is a matter of going to “that” wound in your body, tracking it through to origin, loading up the afflicting programs, releasing it and and up-levelling it and then any negative state you target just doesn’t exist anymore.

      Mel xo

    August 15, 2015

    I’ve been reading your articles for a while and I thought I was healing myself but I’m stuck in a situation that I need some advice on where to go from here. I’ve been married for 11 years to a covert narcissist and only in the past few years did I finally wake up and realize that my parents were both narcissistic abusers who took advantage of me emotionally and financially. I no longer speak to my toxic parents and have had to abandon friendships that I realized were disingenuine and no longer in line with my new vibration. As a result, I became very isolated from people and I’m slowly starting to allow new people in my life. The problem? I have 2 children and I live in a 50/50 default state for custody and I’m unable to find a lawyer who specializes in narcissistic abuse. Once I started healing myself, my narcissistic husband has gone into discarding mode toward me. He took me off his credit cards and is pushing me to find a job so I can leave him with the kids. On paper, he seems like the perfect stay at home dad–he has a pension so he doesn’t have to work. But I’ve seen him neglect them and when I come back after running an errand or a job interview, things aren’t done that should be or he forgets to feed them. When I’m with them and he’s here, they act out and fight with each other and are up all hours of the night. Because I have no family and friends close by, should I just grab a suitcase and run to the nearest womens’ shelter?

      August 15, 2015

      Hi Samantha… I finally did exactly that… on a Sunday night, I realized (after reading Melanie’s posts for a few months) that I couldn’t and wouldn’t change anything until I walked into a safe space and worked on me.

      I was scared. I was worried socially, financially, reputationally (what would my daughter and friends say??)

      You know what?? Only one person has said, I’m sorry this happened… and that isn’t that they were sorry that Narc Husband and I had separated, was that they were sorry I was going through this and sorry I had put up with this for too many years.

      The bills got paid… I found somewhere to live, my friends rallied and supported… (and I didn’t need to ask… I wouldn’t have asked!)

      The big realization was that whilst I had spent my entire adult life trying not to BE my narc Mother, I ended up marrying her.

      The healing is amazing… I am happy with me… I know I am consciously connected to me, and am learning to be strong with my boundaries that I never felt I could have.

      Happy to support you if you need an e-shoulder! (Im in Australia by the way!)


    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 15, 2015

      Hi Samantha,

      I know this is really hard for you …

      And when kids are involved even harder …

      Samantha are you working with NARP? And are you on my free New Life newsletter … Also I want you to know that we sponsor people who are in personal financial difficulty with NARP.

      I so know that the “things” he is doing are what you need to reduce the charge on inside your emotions to the point where you can be much more detached. N’s get to people through triggering them, and when you work on your triggers that will be a game changer.

      These are all relating to young childhood wounds.

      Then whichever way he turns to trigger you, you will be able to disarm the energetic pull of it … that’s when N’s lose all ability to affect you – and you will have greater clarity and not necessarily need to run yet until you get things sorted.

      That would be my suggestion to consider.

      Another thing you could do is come into my Webinar Group right now, because there is incredible support, healing and empowerment there that may be just the key you need right now.

      Mel xo

        August 15, 2015

        Thank you Mel and Lauren for your responses. Yes, I have been working with NARP and the newsletters are so much help. I had also been venting on forums prior to doing the healing work. Now, I kind of offer my suggestions and direct them to your site. It has been a tremendous help in healing and I enjoy reading others’ experiences to help relate to my situation. I also like that you’re saying not to run but how to learn not to react to the triggers. Everyone who’s ever been with a narcissist tells you to run as fast as you can and never look back. I ran away from my narcissistic parents right into the arms of another narcissist. I’ve tried to leave him on several occasions before and after I had kids but after doing the healing work in the past year, his paranoia and criticisms no longer affect me. My kids are another story, however, and I’m concerned about the effect he has on them. When he loses his temper, my youngest goes into fetal position and hides his head and my older daughter freezes and usually has stomach problems afterward. I try to do damage control and let my husband know how his behavior is affecting us but he lacks accountability. Sometimes he comes back and apologizes but he never seems to learn from his mistakes or can get his anger under control. I always talk to my daughter afterwards and let her vent her feelings so she doesn’t get blocked up like I did growing up. I’ve been working on getting paperwork and financial things set so when I do leave him, I have everything I need without having to go back to the house. My question is, am I the trigger for his behavior around the children? When I’m out of the house, he says they act calm but he doesn’t interact with them much but as soon as I get home, they’re all over me.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          August 16, 2015

          Hi Samantha,

          it is so about not “feeding” him …trying to hold him accountable is only hooking it up more and allows him to play you for N-supply.

          Hence why he keeps doing it … you need to let go of doing that, detach, empower your kids by example and start building your resources and your life to move on.

          That’s the best thing you can do for you and your kids … not keep hooking into it and going around in the same circles (you know genuine accountability from him is not going to happen), and that is what you need to deeply investigate and uplevel within you – the “why” you keep doing that.

          Also I would suggest to you to get involved in the NARP Private Forum for guidance when you are feeling snagged.

          I hope this helps.

          Mel xo

    August 15, 2015

    Melanie, do you know anything about EMDR therapy? Reading your recent article made me think about your process as compared to EMDR.

    Thanks, Nancy Lund

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 15, 2015

      Hi Nancy,

      yes I do and I underwent EMDR when trying to recover. That and other tools like tapping (EFT) helped manage my acute agoraphobia, but it wasn’t until I put together Quanta Freedom Healing and tapped into the big Super Conscious/ Higher Self (Source) replacements after emptying out trauma that I experienced true healing of it and other states.

      Mel xo

    August 15, 2015

    Thank you so much. Can’t explain but so much thanks.

    August 15, 2015

    One of the main things I learned was about abuse by proxy The Narc isn’t going to stop with just him or herself abusing you Oh no they go out and recruit not only from their own social mileu but from the social network of their victim! And third they love to use the legal system to abuse their victim They will hire a Narc attorney to batter and abuse you by proxy Then u can get really trapped in a nightmare where no one hears you They all believe them And second thing is that when u say No to a Narc it has the opposite effect on them How dare u say No to a narc! They escalate their abuse Control means you do what I tell you to do because I told you to do it Don’t make the mistake of trying to reason with a Narc They don’t care if what u say is better saves money or has any benefit They just want to be King The Kings word was law That is how the Narc is too The Narc is King

    Amy R
    August 15, 2015

    I have to share something that happened to me last night. I still don’t quite understand what it was but perhaps Melanie can shed some light on the subject. I ended a narcissistic relationship over 3 years ago and took Melanie’s course for healing and self growth as I was worn out with repeating the same old patterns of hurt, betrayal and disappointment. I feel that I’ve grown beyond what I expected of myself but had no way to prove it (to me) with the exception of another relationship, which I’ve been reluctant to allow to happen.
    Anyway, last night I attended a party and a man started a conversation with me. As we got deeper in conversation, I felt him tying to connect with an old part of me; a part that i healed and let go of through Melanie’s program. I literally got sick to my stomach while talking with this man and ended up walking away from him. The chemistry was overwhelming between us, but I couldn’t stomach the place within my soul that he was tying to connect with. I can only think that a few years before Melanie’s program, this man might have had a shot at a relationship with me. There is no doubt in my mind that he was a narcissist and my healing saved me from another brutal relationship. Keep pushing forward people!!! There is light at the end of the dark tunnel!!!! Light and love to everyone!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 15, 2015

      Hi Amy,

      this is the perfect example of when we are healed enough – we are self-partnered and in our body and listening to our inner truths.

      Before coming home to ourselves, we would have been in our head justifying away gut feelings!!

      (Which is exactly what we did with N’s – and of course they were the messengers of the exact wounds we needed to heal – so it WAS appropriate that we ended up with them!)

      No need to re-visit finished business! I LOVE it!

      Great job Amy!

      Mel xo

      May 31, 2017

      Way to go!!

    August 15, 2015

    It took 13 and a half years of my life of pure emotional torture, just the way that you so closely describe it in many of your articles. The pain and isolation that we need to endure, but worst of all the end of the dream when they drop you out of their life’s over night because they have found new supply.
    My wife left early last April, so she can feel Hugh’s , kisses and love once again with this individual who was suppose to be our friend, so she said. The pain was indescribable, but we all know how bad it can get.
    I can not remember how was it that I came across your articles early in April. I became an avid reader and was able to get closer to God and now I can honestly see the difference in my life.
    From the must humble part of me I need to say thank you Melanie, you have been able to make a tremendous difference in my life where all I could see was the cemetery of what once were my dreams and now I know that I hold the key to my prison and the soon I should be in that life where pain no longer is needed.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 15, 2015

      Hi Jorge,

      you are so welcome, and I am so pleased you are finding your way back to yourself and back to Life and Love.

      Mel xo

    August 15, 2015

    Hi Melanie,

    Thank you sooo much for your work that you do. I am so grateful this article is helping me see the Narc in a different light and also this empowers me to bring it back to myself more and more and look at my childhood wounds in a new light to be healed. I recently discovered Narcissistic Personality Disorder earlier this year and I am 25 years old. I realized my older sister has it and so I wonder about how the dynamic will play out in the future, since we are biologically related and bonded in that way. I’ve unconsciously been trying to heal myself from this for a long time and it’s been bittersweet finding out about all of this information, as I’m sure it is for so many, but that’s why I am so grateful for you because I never saw myself as a victim in any way and can only visualize so much light and an empowered being as my future self!
    My sister and I grew up together and essentially all we’ve had is each other – being raised without parents pretty much and so I can relate to the dysfunctional relationship of Narc mothers and daughters, as well as being in a Narc marriage because both those dynamics have played out for us, having us both raise each other and live together in our twenties and her being the older sister, and me being the complete opposite personality, so I do have tremendous compassion for her and for myself in how I handled it and life all these years-seeing her as my shadow self and a reflection of me in that way, for that was my general perspective. I’m realizing the lessons of learning to take care of me first, realizing I just can’t save her or anyone else, setting solid boundaries and getting into my body and really making myself a priority to carry out my dreams and live an independent and healthy life. Do you have any advice for my situation specifically or any resources or anything for Narc siblings?
    Maybe I haven’t studied enough so I’m not sure if this is common, but I know my sister very deeply and empathize with her and feel like I may need to write about my experience and all of this to bring it to the light and share one day, because she has moments of knowing something is wrong with her behaviour and says she knows she’s a difficult person to deal with even though she can’t own up to her past or take real accountability of the damage she’s unconsciously been a part of me feels like she would believe me and try to change and heal deeply if I let her know this has been the issue all along. Perhaps one day when I am fully independent and confident and consistently fearless, because I know I can’t change her, but I feel like I owe her the chance to know what has caused so much friction (NPD) and give her the choice to either accept it and go from there or not. I dont have hope for my other narc family members as I do for her, because I recognize they are set in their ways and the disorder is too deeply embedded and like I said, realized I can’t change anyone and that’s not my role to try to fix, change or enlighten them. But I feel differently about my sister. What do you think about this? Any of your insights, feedback or suggestions would be so greatly appreciated. Thank you so much for your bravery and sharing your path as well as dedication to bringing the truth to light so we can all thrive.~

    Infinite love,

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 15, 2015

      Hi Amanda,

      thank you for reaching out and being a part of this Community via posting. It is very important that Family of Origin people dealing with N abuse are recognized here too, and I really want you (and everyone) to know the healing for FOO N-abuse is identical to intimate partner – because it always is about the healing inside our own bodies.

      (This goes for any abuse / painful relationship patterns no matter how and through whom they came about).

      Amanda when you heal you – you truly offer the best situation for your sister. In that with clear loving boundaries she has the opportunity to meet you at a level of evolutionary relationship or not.

      The absolute truth is we can love people in person or from afar and the power of divinity can affect them at some positive level, not for our own wellbeing (as a condition) but simply because this is Divinity expressing itself through our already established peace, love and wellbeing.

      The real truth is: we cannot ever lead where we have not gone. Meaning people in our life experience are not going to be positively affected by us to get well if we are not well, and this is why our only commitment to others and all of life is to get well.

      Amanda if it is not you sister’s time this lifetime to evolve, it isn’t – and even that is Divinity expressing itself appropriately, because for all of us N’s and non N’s alike there is only one destination – Divinity – because nothing else exists and there is nowhere else to go and when we release the illusions that are not allowing us to emotionally “be” the Divinity we already eternally just are … we know the truth.

      Amanda The NARP Progam is a very applicable path of you or anyone with Family Of Origin N-Abuse (many people have worked NARP for that) and I would love you to come and join in the profound healing and path that is presently going on in the Webinar Group.

      You are ready for this level of evolving yourself.

      Mel xo

    August 15, 2015

    Hi Mel,
    I know that I came into this life to heal the wounds of past lives by becoming conscious. I knew I could only do that by choosing parents who were deeply UN-conscious. That’s why I selected a Narcissistic mother, and a father who was chronically emotionally unavailable and believed that children were second-class citizens who feelings were of no consequence whatsoever. I needed these parents – and all the other similarly abusive people I would encounter as a result of them feeling familiar – to SHOCK me into consciousness. To be forced to swim, where in past lives, I had sunk, been annihilated. I hope both my parents (now deceased) have gone on to lives in which they can also heal. Thanks for another great article. xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 17, 2015

      Hi Sylvia,

      I totally agree re the deeper evolutionary perspective. And it makes so much more sense than the Victim Model of “I was born into this, I have no hope of dealing with it, and it’s my parent’s responsibility” … because that is the ultimate powerless position.

      There is no more ability for unconscious parents (or anyone else actually) to heal our wounds for us … only we can.

      I am so thrilled, that like so many of us, you have chosen to swim (evolve).

      Bless you.

      Mel xo

    August 15, 2015

    Dear Mel,
    This is a profound and truthful article. For years I wondered why I wasn’t supported in a loving and healthy way by Narcs and others. I was troubled about why others did not show up for me. So the first pain I attacked in The Thriver Model was this terrible feeling of being left out, isolated, unsupported and abandoned. The little girl showed up at age 9 and was crushed because of not being supported in an event that meant so much to her. Actually, she was punished for being center stage. Her performance was minimized, overlooked, and not congratulated by her mother, father and brothers. She was criticized for not looking as pretty as the other girls, laughed at and told she wasn’t good. I remember during the Module crying so much I heard myself scream.
    Well, I went through that Module 1. Wow, what a release and shift! Found out the little girl has been winning all of her life. I just did not show up for me! I hadn’t congratulated, acknowledged and appreciated my own accomplishments because of these childhood wounds and others saw that and agreed with me. Now, that shift has allowed me to feel more confident, adored and loved by God and myself. It has helped me to continue to get rid of pain and lies about myself. I just had to face that pain and fear and get it out of my body for good! it took 3 hours but it was worth it. That initial shift granted me permission to feel good about myself, continue to release more pain, lies and guilt and catapult me toward a life where I actually love and like myself. My relationships and business are improving and I have lost 10 lbs. Just wanted to share how glorious this program is.
    If feels good to go within and learn more about what is going on and although these negativities might be generational, DNA, environmental, they don’t have to be my reality. I am enjoying a more prosperous life. There are still challenges; however, I can embrace them better, get them out and let them go. Am getting comfortable getting full with the grand things of life!
    Love you,

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 17, 2015

      Hi Karen,

      I am so pleased the article resonated deeply with you.

      How gorgeous that you were able to shift those profound inner wounds … and up-level your Inner Being.

      And it is magical when the energy that was tied up in trauma gets released into creation … I am so happy for you that you are living these results!

      So, so true Karen that our inner wounds do not have to be outlived reality when we have the tool to find them and release them.

      Thank goodness! I for one know I would have been dead by now, if I wasn’t able to free myself of inner wounding.

      And yes, there will always be challenges, but that is also the beauty of it, to eternally keep up-levelling, expanding and becoming more and more of our True Selves … because “that” is true living.

      Thank you for your gorgeous post and so much love to you too Karen 🙂

      Mel xo

        August 18, 2015

        So much peace within.
        A feeling of growth and freedom.
        Nothing has to be going on for me to feel this way.
        Quietness and confidence in my soul.
        Happily receiving and giving blessings.
        That’s me now.

        Thanks Melanie.

    August 17, 2015

    I love reading your stuff Melanie. However, I come away wondering how I can ever heal if I’m unfortunately attached to the ex-husband who is the narcissist via our son? He will always be there and will always have his bad moods and venomous tongue in action so it’s hard to step back/ignore etc.

    Any ideas?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 17, 2015

      Hi Sarah,

      I really want you to understand this …

      The thinking that “he” or anything outside of you is the determiner of your life is the old Victim paradigm – and is so NOT true ..

      This entire article and my work is all about changing ourselves and then everything outside of us changes – including the entire experience with the N.

      When you up-level the wounds that are keeping your half of the magnet going he will be unable to affect you or trigger you, and then the rubbish will be taken somewhere else where it can hook someone and generate N-supply.

      There are many, many people in this Community on the NARP Program co-parenting who are now unaffected and free of the N garbage – even though they still co-parent.

      Because Sarah they did the inner work on themselves.


      The solution – always is this – heal yourself. Do the inner work on your wounds. The best way to start getting acquainted with that is come into my present Webinar Group.

      Mel xo

    August 19, 2015

    I’m slowly healing. I left my friendship with a 42 year old narcissistic friend. I am a single 59 year old woman with no children. She let me adopt her as an adult giving me the family I so desperately wanted. I loaned her over 20,000. I lived with her. Paid for electricity and cable TV. She used me to take care of her son and daughter for free all the while she got child support for them and once my health and funds were exhausted she brought in an Aupair never telling she was doing this. Moved me out of a room that I thought was mine and started to separate me from her young 6 year old son. The environment got toxic. Not due to me but her treatment of me and my fear and reactions to this treatment. I found out she was going to ask me to move out. I had no funds, was deep in debt and could never afford my own place. So I left with out warning and am living with my brother. We were both on the same checking account and when I saw she was getting a huge bonus I withdrew 5,000 out of 28,000 she had received. I felt I had to take care of my self. She and I have yet to discuss fully on the phone what happened. And being a codependent I took this all on. (I am in therapy) Her ex husband has continued to allow me contact with their son. I am still on the checking account and want to be removed so I reached out. She says she’s closing the account. But I also asked to spend time with a little boy who has been my grandson for 7 years. I can’t let him go. Is there a way I can maintain my separation from her and keep my relationship with her son? Can I ever learn to be matter of fact with her, strong and separate like two people who coparent?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 25, 2015

      Hi ToniF,

      So, so often our narcissistic abuse experience comes through “the person” we attached to wanting to get the love and the comfort we had not received in our previous life.

      This is why healing from the intense obsession, attachment and pulls is all about healing our Inner Being from the woundedness that we took on from unconscious role models who withheld or abused.

      It’s the only way … Toni and when our focus is on “any abuser” we are holding them responsible for our emotional wellbeing, which means being stuck in our emotional unconsciousness and woundedness, because these people are the messengers of our wounds and not the saviours of them.

      You may be able to have a relationship with her son if you evolve your inner wounds, because then you will be able to show up as the “mature adult” and not within the emotional container of the hurt inner child who is hooking you in still.

      And do No Contact or Modified Contact in healthy ways.

      Does that make sense?

      Mel xo

    Simbala Desilles
    August 19, 2015

    This article was fantastic! What’s great about your website is that it’s effective for people who’ve experienced many levels of abuse. It doesn’t just apply to narcissistic abuse. It must be because Narc abuse is one of the lowest of the low because their is absolutely no remorse in these people’s actions. I was able to really dig deep and understand that my narc abuse began with my father. You had another blog that was about people with narcissistic parents, and that has been my experience. My father was the narc (he has passed) and my mom was the codependent…only in my earlier years of childhood. I had to come to the realization of how crippling that was for my growth and development. In many ways I felt stunted in my growth. Having a parent who’s world the entire family centers around is a trip. It’s tough for me to say, but his passing wound up being a major relief. I was able to truly begin my healing process from childhood wounds after he passed away. I began using a method called “EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique a.k.a. Tapping) over 5 years ago. Using that method has given me the ability to unearth some very deep traumas, and I learned to love and accept myself as I became aware of my hurt and pain. In that 5 year period up until today, I attracted two narcissistic relationships. The second one was far more covert and calculating than the first one. He was a master manipulator. It didn’t take much for him to cause me to scratch my head in disbelief and confusion, creating those horrible feelings in the pit of my stomach, and causing me to question myself and my judgment. It was that relationship that really made me look at this word narcissist and what it means. I think the word came to me by way of article while scrolling through Facebook or something. Either way, when I read about what a narcissist was I felt some sort of relief that I wasn’t crazy and that I was actually a victim of some sort. It took me a WHILE to fully accept that this was my truth. I had downloaded your free life starter package and I read your articles. I felt like I knew what I needed to know and that I could leave them on the back burner. I’ve come to realize how important the support is through this process of healing and overcoming negatively charged peptide addiction. This is a seriously deep healing process. Once I actually had a seat and looked through the articles more thoroughly and watched your videos while doing the free healing session you’ve shared on youtube I really began to see and feel the effectiveness of this technique. In doing that session (3 separate times) I dug up A LOT of stuff that I didn’t realize was there. It was scary. I cried a lot. Tapping makes you dig deep, but this was on a whole other level. The cries were deep, like I’d never cried like that before. The frequent blog articles your post are of MASSIVE support for this process. In the past year I still attracted people who have narcissistic tendencies only signifying the work I still have to do. I just have to say that this website is a godsend and for those of us who need it, we THANK YOU SO MUCH for this. The support is what really makes fully healing seem like a possibility much sooner than later! Thanks again!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 25, 2015

      Hi Simbala,

      that is wonderful that you are committing to your inner healing and really starting to locate the subconscious programs that were setting this up for you.

      Just as an intuitive hit – please know your journey is going to also be about releasing judgement and resentment.

      Whenever we judge and resent we withhold love from ourselves, and we also keep attracting and experiencing that which we judge and resent.

      Understanding that N’s (all abusers) were also the product of unconscious role models and abuse is helpful.

      This is not about blaming anything or anyone it is simply about waking up and healing back to love authenticity and truth.

      Mel xo

    August 22, 2015

    Hi Mel, in your last paragraph you mentioned being repulsed and also having empathy. Those words have never been truer!! As a NARP member I can tell you that through my journey the last 14 months I can say with true conviction that I am now repulsed by the very thought of not only the Ns toxicity but by any toxic behavior that tries to creep into my life. At the same time I do have a sense of empathy for those people. I am moving forward and healing and the others , well they are wallowing in their Unhealed wounds. I have also come to place where I can actually feel grateful for theses experiences . It really forced me into a place where I needed to look inwards and shift . Thank you so much for your program and dedication. You have truly helped so many thrive when we never thought we could !! Xoxo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 25, 2015

      Hi Allison,

      you have nailed it.

      You’ve returned to truth in your own body – which is the organic “repulsion” to that which is not wellbeing.

      Another huge aspect of wellbeing is zero judgement, and not holding other people accountable for our own lives – that is the freedom to feel and know love and compassion without needing to change anyone to “give us ourselves”.

      And from their comes incredible gratitude to go through such a process, not to be freed from others, but actually to be freed from our own powerless attachments and toxic judgement.

      Then there is no need to “play” with toxic people!

      Yaya! Great job!

      Mel xo

    Janet Fedelesles
    August 31, 2015

    Since being left by the narcissist ten years ago, my desire has been to heal. I have worked hard. I learned about narcissism and was relieved iI wasn’t crazy! Then I learned my parents and sibling have narcissistic tendencies, bodering on the pathological side and I was the scapegoat in my developmental years. It took me a couple years after my narcissist, to learn and work on healing. During those years, I suffered badly from ptsd and I am sure, adrenal fatigue plus other biological harms. I thought I had come a long way but recently saw my ex narcissist at a market. Although the meeting was very brief and cordial, (I left quickly), for days, afterwards, I was anxious and very depressed. In my recoery thusfar, i definitely accepted that the narcissist. re wounded my childhood traumas. I thought i was healing these, but after my encounter, I sadly realized I wasn’t. This brought me to your website. Thank you for the information, Melanie. What I simply need to know is, to heal in the way you have stated, how do i begin? As I ead different blogs, different things are mentioned and i am confused. Is there a. guide to follow for the. Quantum Healing, etc?

    I also want to add that i have a terrible illness which iI know is a result of the physical stress. I wanted the stress and obsession to stop but it took years. I knew it was taking a toll on my body. I want to heal this! ,Thank you to Melanie and all you. who have shared.

    September 7, 2015

    Dear Melanie, I have found your writings, videos blogs etc so enormously helpful. Thankyou from the bottom of my heart for doing this work in the world. I recently was finally released i.e. dumped by the narcissist I have been involved with for over 7 years. ( he’d found a new narc supply !!) The few weeks since have been the most painful & confusing I have ever experienced – except for the other ‘dumpings/ separations / abandonments/lies/betrayals/smear campaigns etc experienced previously in this relationship..all of which caused me intolerable pain. But each time although I knew that I didn’t ‘like’ this person and his ways of operating in the world i took him back or even asked him back!! The sex was mind blowingly good and we seemed to have many other good ways of being together that I thought was love.He told me ‘I was the love of his life’..then suddenly I was coldly dumped – flushed away like a piece of shit. I always knew ‘something was wrong’ about this relationship..but always ended up forgiving him, flooding him with presents & trying to accommodate his him with his financial & general life chaos e.g. homelessness etc & with his bulimic ( & i suspect deeply narcissistically disordered) daughter. Without going on about it too much ( because its really repeating what we all now know about these people) i was totally addicted to his ‘charm’, the sex had a big hold on me too for a long time.
    Just to share that Ive found acupuncture a very healing way of coping with the PTSD symptoms I’ve had so badly & repeatedly over the years. Ive also been hugely helped by an energetic form of healing which sounds similar to your QF healing , its called MUHET (universal healing energy therapy). However I now understand by reading what you write & by listening to you that this is my opportunity to evolve on a soul level & heal my past life & childhood wounds around abandonment, self esteem, co dependency etc & to do this at a very deep level. If I can do this then perhaps I can begin to make sense of why Ive been locked into this ‘relationship’ for so long and unable to leave.
    Im about to go away & lie in the sun for a bit in the Med..but when I come back I am going to buy the NARC programme & would also like to take part in some Quanta Freedom Healing sessions to really get to & release the wounds that need to be cleaned out & healed.
    How do I go about contacting you to get the QF healing?
    Thankyou so much. Jane

    September 13, 2015

    what happens when ur MOTHER is the narcissist? then its like 100 times worse it seems…however these protocols are helping me…but sometimes i feel melanie only focuses on “love relationships” since those were the narcissist experiences she had and yes theyre horrific as well…..just wanna let people out there know that yes this also works if the narc. in ur life was ur parent and that hurts a thousand times more it seems since they out of all people in this world are supposed to love u? im going thru this right now w/ my mom putting my own brothers against me who i love…theyre totally and completely brainwashed by her…its like…i cant even describe the pain….there’s no pain w/ a love partner that can compare to ur own “family” torturing u in this way, w the little brothers u grew up w/ who hate u for no reason….u really feel at the deepest level u have no identity if ur own mother and family rejects u….its sheer torture and breaks u down like nothing else!!

    and then u totally relive this pain and seek a person in a marriage to “fix” it for u…and who are u attracted to? possibly another narc. person! of course! u attract them since u NEED them to act just like ur mom and u relive all u went thru but u again try to “conquer” those past experiences but how can u when theyre abusive? how can u “fix” an abusive person? trust me u cant i tried lol, and im not the only one….of course all this is unconscious… a way i feel that even if u didnt have a narc experience that u still always attract people if they have had similar childhood experiences w/ u…its like at a deep, unconscious level u just want to sort all that out…i mean its known that u attract a person who reminds u of ur mom if ur a man, and like ur dad if ur a woman…i think this is universal not just for narcissists…just my opinion out of observation….

    September 13, 2015

    by the way…didnt mean to offend anyone or melanie by saying a narc. mom experience is much worse…ANY narc experience is torture…but i have been thru both types and i can compare…a parent is by and large part of u and its like…cutting ur arm off to have to cut off ur parentage….the narc. boyfriend i had? it took me years…but im totally and completely over him…my mom? i know i never will be 100% over her and my family because theyre a part of me whether i like it or not…but i think if i work really hard i can be 90-95% hopefully? i hope im not being too negative…

    September 14, 2015

    Thank you so much for this post… It really did help.

    I have been slowly going through the process of “waking up” and healing – thanks to some amazing therapists and support groups

    I have even come to recognize my part in what happened in my relationship with my abuser… I should have reported him to the police years ago. I should have called him out on his behaviour. I should have left his sorry ass…

    Instead, it took a suicide attempt on my part (he actually “ordered” me to kill myself! and gave me the means – a bottle of vodka and a bottle of drain cleaner) before I finally left him.

    Since then, lots of therapy, lots of help. lots of soul searching has been my key to recovery. And I have finally plucked up the courage to go to the police and have reported him for both sexual and physical abuse.

    September 18, 2015

    Wow Melanie I think I have just read about myself. The self-abandonment you mention had such resonance with me. And I think I know where it comes from. As a toddler I used to throw a lot of tantrums and I would be locked in a room till I calmed down. My parents got really frustrated and I remember being scared. I got the message that I was a bad girl despite really only being I think typical terrible two/three’s. I learned that not speaking up was rewarding and I had a real fear of being left. It’s a young pain that really has caused me huge problems throughout my life similar to what you describe. I’ve been involved with emotionally unavailable, narcissistic type people. I couldn’t understand why it felt so addictive to be with them and hard to let go now I do. There have been so many things that have happened related to me due to my fear of abandonment. A former ex narc got in contact this week after nearly a year of no contact and it threw me so I got back on your site. Just a couple of texts but I was surprised how it jolted me and how much time it then pre-occupied me. I’ve blocked him so he can’t get to me again. You are right, the last narc I was involved with was a total gift as he started me off on this process of discovery and healing.

    November 18, 2015

    I have been Narping since July 2015. I have just reread this blog, so powerful, I had to stop to catch my breathe. Tears rolling….Overwhelmingly true, oh my goodness, Narp has truly saved me from my wounds, from continual abuse. I always wondered why I attracted these types of relationships, in all spheres if my life. NO MORE. Doing the Narp modules seriously daily for the first few months, has truly changed my DNA, I’m just weeping as I write this in SOOO much gratitude. It works, it’s a sincere gift from the Universe. THANK YOU MELANIE, MY LIFE HAS AND IS SHIFTING DAILY. I NOW LIVE FROM A TOTALLY DIFFERENT PARADIGM. THE SUN IS SHINING IN MY LIFE NOW. ETERNALLY GRATEFUL.

    ann delgreco
    December 4, 2015

    I have one in my family,,,,,,,,,,, VERY DANGEROUS PEOPLE, they will destroy you and everyone around you,,,,,, I HAVE WITNESSED THIS ,,,,,,,,,,, But somehow I always felt very bad for her, I always knew their was something much deeper in her than being an abusive , destructive woman!

    December 26, 2015

    I understand what is being said here, and can see a lot of it in myself. Here’s where I get hung up though….. I get confused thinking, “does this mean if I had realized this, been aware, that things wouldn’t have been as bad as they seemed?” In other words, did it just seem that bad because of me and it wasn’t?

      June 14, 2017

      Can’t speak for Melanie but I believe the point is that if you didn’t have unhealed business that you unconsciously wanted to expose to yourself so that you can deal with it, then you likely wouldn’t have found yourself in the path of a narcissistic relationship … You attract to yourself what you need to shake it up enough to make the changes and deep down if you harbour feelings of say low worth then you have the vulnerabilities that a narc needs to get to you. If you have alot of wounds that are badly interfering with your managing of your life then you are like a flashing neon sign to them. The healthier you are emotionally the less you will be an easy target and probably won’t draw their attention and won’t be so easily triggered. It is a known fact that violent attackers and psychopaths who select random victims look for signs of weakness in the way people are conducting themselves to have an “easy kill” and it is much the same principles for narcs… They care less about normal attraction factors like who you are and more about things like vulnerabilities and what they can get out of You in terms of control and supply. They do have a way of bringing out stuff you are trying to suppress and the surprise of seeing yourself in this way can bring you to your knees and make you believe things you wouldn’t have. They just unpick all the loose stitches in the seams holding your baggage in place. If you had already unpacked those bags then they have less means to manipulate you with and you probably wouldn’t have been around long enough to let them find a way in. Everyone has baggage but it is when we don’t want to know it is there that the struggle of stuffing it down makes us “weak” enough to be spotted by predators who know that there is a lack of energy within and the weight of a burden to interfere with a fast retreat. Once cornered desperation sets in easily so it is relieving to succumb to their charms and the rest is history. Frankly if you aren’t weighed down your instincts would take you far away or their charms would raise alarm bells and your skin would prickle and you wouldn’t let them be able to charm you…. I have experienced coming across narcs from both positions at different times in life and it is totally a different game when I could be played with than when I did not even have a bit of interest in being engaged in crazy making games and could confidently signal that to anyone who tried and shut them down. Takes work on yourself and you can’t always be on top of your game … Life brings out what you need to look at to keep growing and to actually deal with those buried pains means there can be a pain free you in your future which is why it is worth the work and the situations you go through to get there are just the tools in the end.

    January 14, 2016

    OK, I have read a lot on this, just having discovered a year ago that my husband of 30 years was a true narcissist. Embarrassing really, because I am a highly accomplished professional woman who has always believed in herself and has been perceived in her very public job as being very bright, tough, but fair. I grew up in an amazing home, where my parents struggled financially but put their children and family first in every part of their life. If anything, I think I felt with my narcisissist that I could change him, that I knew he grew up in a dysfunctional home and that he would see the connections and humility based self-confidence that was a part of our large and very loving family and somehow “see the light.” While I agree with many of your posts Melanie, I do not agree with this predilection that partners of narcissists are co-dependents. Sometimes they are. But many, like myself, do not follow that biography. Granted, I made my life more miserable by constantly challenging him and constructively criticizing him, but I am a Christian woman who felt like the vows of matrimony were not to be taken lightly, and because, somehow I did not know such a thing as Narcissistic Personality Disorder existed until a month before I learned he had been involved with another woman for nearly four years, I stuck out the marriage. Yes, most days were like walking on egg shells but I never knew, or never thought, he would actually cheat on me. While it likely was going on for years with other women without my knowing, the minute I found the duplicate cell phone and played the message, I took only five more minutes before I called my attorney and announced my intention to file for divorce and a request to freeze all funds. I never looked back. Threw him out the next day, completed the ugly divorce, complete with total smear campaign on his part, and continued forward. It was hell on wheels for a full eight months, experiencing all of the cycles of shock, sadness, anger and then acceptance. We have shared adult children, vacations properties that include homes within 75 yards of one another and birthday parties for grandchildren in which affair partner now attends. Not easy by any means. But I can honestly say that I am more at peace than I have been in decades and that I do not believe, nor ever believed, that my NPD defined me. I am certain there are other women out there like me. I think there is an injustice done when we try to tell people that they became involved in a Narcissistic relationship because they are co-dependent have an unhealed inner child within them. Narcissists can be so charismatic, so charming and so pathological that they convince nearly anyone of anything they wish them to believe. Truly, no one is safe. Once I learned my NPD had cheated on me, there was no conversation of second chances, despite 30 years of marriage. We can all start over, even in our 50s ladies, and it doesn’t mean there was something fundamentally wrong with you. I will never apologize for loving my husband with all my heart and willing to sacrifice to make him happy. I just had the misfortune of heaping those accolades on someone who was not worthy of my love.

    Lisa Korba
    January 16, 2016

    I just clicked on your pin, I can see your point for most people but not in my case. My sister is is the narcissistic, sociopath. The only one in our whole family. From the age of 4 she sexually, verbally and physically abused me till I was at least 12 years old. I blocked the sexual abuse out till last year. I’m 40 Now. She has verbally abused me for years even worse when I didn’t do exactly what she wanted. Nobody else was ever mean or nasty to me till halfway through my first marriage. She even sided with my abusive ex husband during our divorce so I lost custody of my kids she has also been trying since then to get custody of my kids. I cut her out of my life about 5 years ago. Best decision I’ve ever made. She is the cause of my pain, I didn’t get a choice the first 18 years of my life to get away from her. I stayed around her the next part of my life for my mother, but as soon as my mother passed in 2010 I was done. Like I said I don’t see how anyone else in my childhood caused me pain but her.

    January 25, 2016

    Thank you for your insights, your intelligence and your tone of compassion and caring. What a great article and what a great truth.

    March 8, 2016

    Great article needs to be proof read. There are parts in the article that aren’t worded right and or parts get cut off. It discredits the true importance of this article which makes a lot of valid points. Was unable to share with a certain individual dealing with this because of the grammatical errors.

    March 21, 2016

    Thank you so much for your amazingly enlightening articles Melanie. Such a life line at times when my buttons get pushed.
    My achilles heel at this time is me wanting to expose my ex. Everything inside me screams “wake the fuck up”. My children are being used as pawns to get to me. My son had a tragic motorcycle accident last year and as a result has put his father back into my life. We were asked to work together during our son’s healing journey from traumatic brain injuries. James has used our son time and time again to get to me thru various manipulative scenarios, trying to get me to nibble at his bait so that he can later sink me. My overbearing need to expose James is consuming a big part of my life. I want to protect my children from his destructive ways. My youngest, sweet daughter is clinging to her father who is constantly telling her lies about how I have deceived him, creating such a hurtful distance between her and me. It’s so hard to stand back and watch this. Would you be able to point at the source of my agony within myself. I want the world around me to wake up to the lying, manipulating, puppeteering ways my ex is using to bewitch my beloved children.
    In gratitude


    March 31, 2016

    Hi Melanie….great blog!
    I have some insecurity issues and so has my ex-partner.
    She says I am a Narcissist, when I know this sounds arrogant I think she is more than I am.
    I never belittle her…I tell her how beautiful she is, she does the opposite to me!
    I try calling and texting her….she blanks me for days.
    She says she loves me and always will….but treats me like this?
    she says ‘she has found herself’ that is because we always wanted to do things together after her breakdown of previous marriage….now I am lucky if I get a text or call a day!
    She had a bad abusive childhood….mine was 90% ok!
    she has found her freedom as she calls it….I just had to get used to her seeing her friend again, which I have no reason or mind or not too , but because she has her own business, I would like time together shared out more….is that so bad?
    I used to get verbally abusive and admit it, I didn’t like it just escalated to that point, but it was always when an argument started but I didn’t mean the things I said, but in my subconscious was probably thinking them?
    What would you suggest…she loves me, or so she says, I love her and feel we both have a few narcissistic tendencies. I would really appreciate your advice please, many thanks.

    Amanda Fairchild
    April 3, 2016

    This is not only rubbish, it is dangerous rubbish.

      June 14, 2017

      Amanda Fairchild. If you feel strongly enough to place a comment like this, then you ought take the time to elaborate on the presented view with reasons so that others can decide whether they would choose to agree with you. This statement is just seriously antagonistic and accusatory, without any reasonable discussion points on the grounds for your claim, and as such it speaks only of your personal emotional state and does not support your seeming intention to have others recognise and validate the strong opinion issued. In other words why bother … unless you just wanted to vent your own pain or something of that nature? If you really cared about the danger present then you would surely want to alert others to the nature of it so that they won’t be endangered but you have not shown a desire to do this so what is your purpose????? To disturb or to be disturbed…… It Fits well with the whole narcissist theme at least

    Juli Sipperli
    April 6, 2016

    You are truth. My soul’s journey was meant to encounter my “messenger” (FKA abuser). I knew there were lessons, I heard them whisper, and when I didn’t heal myself, the shouted, ranted, and brought me to the literal brink of death. But I lived. And I live today healed, and with purpose. I thank my messenger at times because he swiftly brought my healing on. He was meant to be, just as I was meant to read and respond to this article at this precise moment in time. Bless you with all the universe has to offer. And thank you.

    May 23, 2016

    Thank you so much for shedding light on this traumatic addictive situation . I have been searching for 6 months for some type of rational logical explanation as to why I am stuck here in this wormhole . I feel as if I will never be free of my narcissistic ex boyfriend of 3 years..Through the process I have been to a Therapist and told I have borderline personality disorder which I now accept and identify rightfully so. Can your program still help someone with this already challenging disorder? After researching BPD I feel almost hopeless.

    May 31, 2016

    So how do you explain a person that has done ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the work that you say is necessary to ‘free ourselves’, stays single for 7 years to make SURE the work is done, understands the soul contract nonsense and believes it to be true so they put their heart and their soul into this kind of ‘healing’……….. even though, they didn’t grow up in a Narcissistic Family, may have experienced abuse but not Narcissistic abuse – this person does everything that you suggest in this blod and is 100% ready to put themselves out there but they STILL get absolutely annihilated by a Narc freak ?

    It’s because what you’re promoting is rubbish.

    How convenient is it that you promote NOT holding them accountable, because you think it’s impossible, their childhood woooounnnnnndddssss are the issue……

    All the while Narc’s continue to destroy families, children, their co – workers, their friends and if it goes to that the whole goddamned world.

    You’re wrong about not being able to hold them accountable, all it takes is positive education and a back bone.

    June 21, 2016

    Is it truly not possible for the narcissist (if willing and wanting to heal) to go through the same program and find healing for their wounds as well?

    October 24, 2016

    If you would have done all the work , you wouldn’t have allowed anyone to cross healthy boundaries and “destroy” you . And isn’t trying to make the Narc change and just more of fixating on what the Narc needs to do?
    I dont know about you, but Id rather spend my time going to the gym to work off the 40 pounds that literally being immobile and petrified of the natc for 2 years has gotten me . Or doing something fun finally and not having to worry about the narc ruining it .
    I do not care if the narc can do the narc program . If they are truly a narc, theyll only do part of the program to get something from you . They dont need to heal from the abuse they put you through, you do !

    Stop fixating on your abusers !

    January 28, 2017

    I’m so thankful to have come across this article. Unfortunately I’m still with my husband but I’m coming to terms with all I’m dealing with. The 1 thing that always bothered me is his lack of apologies in all 11 years we’ve been married. But I realize he lacks the capacity to understand and recognize what his part in anything is. I tried a love yourself exercise with him and he couldn’t even say his part and acknowledged that he doesn’t love himself. That’s a huge admittance I think but still not an excuse. I took the opportunity to work on myself for the past 4 years in healing through meditation and other energy techniques. This one of healing my old wounds is new and I have been bringing them out into the front of my mind. It’s been a lot to take in but I feel I have a lot to work with and feel that I’m already making progress in just recognizing what’s been sitting and smoldering for so many years. Thank you for this new insight.

    June 9, 2017

    So accurate. There is value in learning about narcissism. Honestly doing so was the only thing that helped me retain my sanity after the relationship ended because I was so steeped in despair and confusion; I thought everything was my fault. Nothing made sense. So I think there needs to be a period of time where you obsess and learn as much as you can. But we can’t stay there indefinitely. We can’t heal when we are choosing to dwell in bitterness. We can’t become empowered if we are fully committed to remaining a victim. The knowledge I gained during that obsessive period helped me so much though. It actually led me to you. And it helped me set better boundaries with other narcissists in my life (such as my parents) which led to healing in its own way. My worst torment – the pain I went through (while it almost killed me) –
    became a gift as I gained KNOWLEDGE.
    Those relationships I’ve had with narcissists led me to certain life changing truths: That I am an empath, that my parents are narcissists to some degree, that my relationship failing was something out of my control. So ultimately it’s made me become a much healthier person.

      June 14, 2017

      Nicole, I was thinking the exact same thing. It was the beginning of releasing my sore head from it’s state of cognitive dissonance to find the videos and forums on narcissistic abuse. I needed to see that people were talking about my exact experiences in order to believe that it was actually the truth. It blew my mind in a good way to see that narcissists practically followed a manual to the tee… How to be a narcissist 101! And it had to be constantly reinforced because I would doubt myself otherwise in the presence of my ex. Devouring videos and chatting in forums gave me back my strength and slowly my trust in my own version of reality which I had always tried to maintain regardless of the trouble it got me in but I barely believed what I said and thought anymore. So it is crucial in taking that leap towards the exit at stage left… Or to even be able to see an exit at all. Above all I felt supported albeit anonymously and had a sense of not being alone and unable to be understood. This was the biggest thing for me emotionally to generate a connection again with others that felt strong and safe in its own way. And yes I did realise quickly enough that it was important to move on from that towards finding a healing in myself but I allowed myself to take in the support I needed for as long as I needed to. I hope it is the same for others however I can’t help but think that if I had to choose to stay with an obsession for a narcissist or leave that and become obsessed with demonising narcissistic abuse forums and videos, the latter choice would still be an infinitely healthier, safer and even more fulfilling place to be stuck! Sad but true. Thankfully there are great things on offer such as Melanie’s information and programs that many will find their way to in their own time and begin the next phase of their journey. I don’t think you will move on to facing painful truths until you are able to lick your wounds for a period and start healing enough to believe you deserve even more than what you started with before you met your narcissistic nightmare. Then it’s time for the work about you to begin and these forums help you put back enough pieces to have a “YOU” again and I am grateful that they were there for me to discover and serve a crucial role and I am even more grateful that there is better things to graduate to… Thank you Melanie for establishing a new paradigm for this important healing process we are all navigating our way through somehow because of the helping, caring communities that have grown from terrible things.

    August 9, 2017

    Sadly, not all of us csn financially afford the extra help we need.
    I am doing all I can on my own. Meditation, yoga, exerrcise, affirmations, etc.
    But it doesn’t seem to be enough.

    October 12, 2017


    I have, only very recently, found you and I must say, you are touching on a lot of issues that I hadn’t realised about myself. I am 59 and just in the process of divorcing after 30 years with a narcissistic husband (who came from a very emotionally-damaged background). The huge problem is that our son, who is now 21, is an even more quantifiable narcissist… Alongside inheriting far more of his father’s genes than mine (looks, character, attitude), he is now estranged from me. It is a very long story. I had to ‘find myself’ again after years of utter despair. I also know that, because he is our only child, I have aided and abetted his appalling self-entitlement by loving him far too much; just as I was very loved in y childhood (and still am). I was raised to ‘accommodate others’ and make everyone else feel comfortable and relaxed because serving others is what my parents did (my 90 year-old mother still does and I am finding now that it makes me very angry and frustrated) and I am just beginning to recognise the whittling toll this has taken on me. Do you have any written matter or video of how to cope with a much-loved but completely narcissistic child? I would be so very grateful. I feel as though I’ve been floundering around in the sea with no lifebelt for years….

    October 13, 2017

    Hi, I have relatives born like this. They were loved from birth, that’s why I know much of this is hereditary. They inherited it from their dadwho is one, their aunt and grandmother were also the same.
    I was adopted, my adoptive mum was a Narc. I was abused all my life and am only just realising now why my life turned out the way it did even though I knew it had something to do with my mum, I had no idea why, I now know why.
    Whenever I try and improve myself these wounds come up through Narcs, I can now see through it and push through as it’s their problem they are jealous, just like my mum was, not my problem.
    I have done your 3 steps to Surviving workshop and loved it. I’m already stronger around these people, they don’t affect me as much.
    I have today off work to get started on the Narp program and I’m looking forward to good results.
    Thank You
    Kat x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 14, 2017

      Hi Kat,

      I am so pleased the workshop helped, and welcome to the NARP Community!

      That is wonderful that you are ready to heal and Thrive!

      Mel xo

    November 5, 2017

    Loads of BS here. Its effectively claiming we should blame the child of a sociopath or Narcissist for being emotionally injured by their abusive parent. How ridiculous! The reality is that Narcissists behaviour in this life caused the injury they dont just bring it to light. This articles idea shows a complete lack of compassion for the victims, “its all your fault because you were bad in your past life” nonsense. There are no past lives. Buddhist nonsense and victim blaming. Why not go the whole hog and tell the sexually abused 7 yr old child they made a contract to have the abuser as their parent to help them move up the Buddhist wheel of life by being sexually abused by them… what a horrible and untrue concept this article promotes, I would go so far as to say its evil, just the type of thing a narcissist themselves would use as an excuse for their abusive behaviour. It reinforces the narcissists perspective…

    November 5, 2017

    I dont believe this authors claims that her therapy has worked for anyone. Ive heard of reports that this type of thing has made the victims of narcissistic abuse worse. Ive been into The New Age styled Buddhism this therapy bases its concepts on, all it does is repress things further down by meditating and disassociating from the self. It was invented by someone, Buddha, who couldn’t cope with any form of suffering having been protected from it all as a child. When he went out into the real world as an adult he hid away from suffering in a monastery, then withdrew further into himself through meditating all day long in the hope he could escape all suffering. This really isnt a good basis for developing a therapy for those who have been narcissisticly abused, IT IS COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE.

      January 2, 2018

      I strongly believe that the author of this blog do not intend to infer any harm to anyone suffering from narcissistic abuse.
      Moreover, the author is clearly stating that this recovery program is for adults, not children:

      ”The TRUTH is we have regressed back to the child at the age of our unhealed wounds, and we are assigning the narcissist as the parent to FIX it this time.”

      I don’t want to speak for everybody, but it really was what happened in my case. Completely, 100%.
      I understand that it can be different for some people and that obviously nothing is perfect and that therefore some would need to adress their abuse and issues with other perspectives. But to say that what is stated here is complete bullshit is just harsh, highly judgemental and lacking understanding of this kind of abuse in GENERAL.

      Of course it is awful that some children are abuse by their psychopathic parents.
      No one is making the children responsible for it. Certainly not a kind hearted person like the author of this blog.
      You have completely missed the point of this page.

    November 5, 2017

    Only last night I was taking to a friend who told me about her Narcissistic parents and how the New Age therapy approach she encountered later on was harmful to her. Im all for a more compassionate humanistic form of psychology but Im afraid this isnt the way. When someone has been treated since birth as an extension of their Narcissistic parent, as if with with no true self of heir own, by a parent who could never be criticised or seen as wrong in any way then a therapist telling that person that the abuse was their spiritual choice, was good for them and offer no sense of empathy or recognition that it wasnt them but their parents failing could be very harmful to such a person. Take the spiritual belief systems out of this type of psychology, its complicated enough as it is, and far to dangerous a way to approach. People who have been overlooked and walked over most of their lives by Narcissists need some validation and recognition of these facts in order for any healing to start to take place. Skip that phase and give them a load of contradictory mumbo jumbo as their foundation and it could lead to even severer problems. Its not even rational… think about it… a lying schizophrenic creative force tells 20% of the worlds population reincarnation etc exists but tells the other 80% it doesn’t through a variety of contradicting religions… its surely an absurd and dangerous basis for therapy for these type of deep wounds.

    January 2, 2018

    Hi! I have a question to ask. I would really appreciate an answer if you believe to have one for me. Let me just put a little context first.

    So I lived through narcissistic abuse only one time in my life. One of my professor at the university enslaved me emotionally for a period of 8 months and tried to coerced me into sex but failed. I have a healthy longterm boyfriend in my life, lots of friends and I am completely healed and happy now.
    The thing is, the abuse stopped because I made a formal complaint to the school (for harassment) and they took it seriously. They imposed a no contact order (that was very successful) and even removed him from one class I had to take. This man won the award of professor of the year for the same year he abused me and he is loved by everyone. I know that he has been abusing girls for many years on campus, but I think I was the first one to put him in his place by exposing him to his employer. Obviously, the Narc felt quite insecure following all of this and went low profile for quite a while.

    My question is : Do you think it is possible for a normal/healthy person like me to be a messenger for the Narc?

    Because the man epicly failed with me. He didn’t get what he wanted and got problems on top of it. His reputation is ruined now.
    I know everybody says people like that don’t change and I accept that. But what if I could have bring something to him?
    It’s just that from here, I really feel like he was looking for someone to help him to stop the madness that goes into his head.
    Someone to hold firm on healthy grounds and force him to see some of his delusions.
    I know he won’t change. I know he won’t admit anything. I know he is insane. I know he has been raping girls for many years.
    But couldn’t he get something great from me, even a little? I don’t keep grudge against him and wish he could heal a bit.

    ”If you can handle the beast, everybody wins, even the beast.”

    I wish our short story could have bring some genuine light into his life, instead of only the pain of having failed with me.
    I wish I could be a messenger too (because he did made me realise a lot of stuff, he was a messenger for me that is for sure).
    I wish my actions could protect all other potential victims, even if I know it will probably be just a dream.

    Thank you !

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 2, 2018

      Hi Kathy,

      you did the right thing. When we honour ourselves we honour all of life. Yes, such a call out is an opportunity for self-reflection, ownership of one’s issues and reform – but truly that is not our business – our business is to walk our truth and be real in life.

      Please know – by doing what you did you are an inspiration. You inspire others, other abused women, to honour themselves regardless of whatever an abuser does or doesn’t decide to do.

      We can much more easily influence others who have the power to change, rather than those who don’t.

      That is where our real power is, starting with taking a stand for truth ourslves.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

    Jasper Deane
    January 21, 2018

    Dear Melanie,

    I think you have got this exactly right. By taking responsibility for the consciousness the narcissistic abuser brings to us ‘in ourselves’ we can disarm and
    disempower the tormentor, and also make conscious our own need to pact with these people in our lives.
    It’s tough to accept, but this is the only way to really heal, grow , move on.

    Thank you, please continue the good work.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 23, 2018

      Hi Jasper,

      thank you, and I certainly will, it is my joy to do so 🙂

      Many blessings.

      Mel xo

    January 21, 2018

    Here’s the thing. At a certain point in life it becomes too much to consider getting out of a relationship. You are economically dependent, you have a home, you are happy in your work. The only problem is that the narcissist isn’t giving you what you need. So you make a deal with yourself. You say, “Self, we know he’s never going to change, and that he is impossibly wounded. We know that our sex life is over if we stay with him, and there will be lots of times when we feel physically neglected. But most of the time things won’t be so bad, and at least we won’t be struggling like hell at age 60 out there in the world alone. Moving on just feels like a wearisome thing to some of us. That’s the truth.

    Tracy D Shuler
    April 7, 2018

    I just want to say, Thank You!!!

    August 8, 2018

    Speaking of narcissists, just look at so many pathetic women that are everywhere today that are real narcissists.

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