Melanie Tonia Evans

Healing From Narcissistic Abuse: Coming Home To Our Bodies

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 28
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

This week I put up a post on Facebook wanting to know what you would like me to write about. There were some wonderful suggestions – thank you so much and I will be using these for future articles!

One that stuck out was this request …

“How to start really connecting with our bodies. The relationship between our bodies, our higher self, and our egos. Connecting with our bodies and going in through our bodies really is key. What does all of this mean?”

I have been recently talking a lot about how “getting in our bodies” is key … and now I think it is really time to focus on this as a deep dive into this topic.

I really want to start this off by taking you on a journey of “throughout the ages” … and no matter what your beliefs, just keep an open mind.


Ancient Body Wisdom and Connection

A long, long time ago people were in their bodies. They knew how to feel their emotions (instincts), they worked in with nature, cycles and seasons, and they would eat, sleep, make love and have ceremonies in rhythm with life itself.

Interestingly many of these ancient societies had incredible spiritual wisdom, celestial knowledge without telescopes and intensive natural healing abilities.

The last few thousand years we have been programmed to believe these people are “pagan”, “heathen” and even “savages”. Those who were connected to the earth, nature and natural healing were seen as conspiring with Satan by the Roman Catholic Church, and major witch hunts were staged in western European Countries in 1450, leading to torture and executions and these continued throughout other parts of the world. By the year 1500 these exterminations accelerated in numbers in Britain, France and Germany, and spread to other parts of the world as well as most of Europe. Many countries did not cease execution of “witches” till the late 1700s.  South American churches did not stop executions until the 1830’s.

People learnt very quickly that it was not safe to be connected in your inner rhythms – to nature, healing, the earth or midwifery. “Witches” were scapegoated for death during childbirth, crops failing, natural disasters and sickness or disease. “Witchcraft” was punishable by death. So people steered away from connections to nature (an organic aspect of themselves) and learnt to be compliant and start to worship an outer deity who was taught as wrathful, and punishing if not complied to. The orientation to life became based on fear and survival.

As time went by, on our planet, we moved away from barter and the community pooling of resources into monetary and industrial systems where people started worked for others, rather than tilling their own land or participating in communities together for the common good. The working conditions were terrible during the Industrial Revolution, employers could set wages as low as they wanted because people were willing to do any work as long as they got paid. Pay was atrocious, women received one-third or sometimes one-half the pay that men received. Children received even less. Owners, who were only concerned with making a profit, were satisfied because labour cost less.

As a result people were getting even more disconnected from themselves because of needing to survive. Many people worked insane hours and in shocking conditions to just put food on the table. These were the DNA beliefs of our forebears, the emotional trauma of: “Life is tough”, “I have to fight to survive”, and “Life is punishing, unsafe and unjust.”

Our ancestors wanted it to be different for their children. But is it – even though our conditions are better? How many of us are still living in self-disconnect, in fear and survival programs?

The truth is far too many of us.

This disconnected model then continues with the encouragement of consumerism, “I need that in order to feel worthy and whole”, and all of this was passed off as normal, healthy and representing progress for mankind.

I promise you these are not the models that advanced societies would choose. An advanced, evolved society would never sacrifice their levels of consciousness or spiritual development for technology, or for the benefits of few at the cost of slavery to many. An evolved society would never tolerate the greater part of the world living in poverty and half the world’s population being threatened with day-to-day survival as a result of not having basic survival needs met.

Something has gone terribly wrong, that has affected the collective consciousness in very damaging ways.


How We Have Been Programmed Into “Getting” and “Doing” Rather Than “Being”

Because of being unplugged from our connection to ourselves we have been easily trained into a model of “getting” and “doing”. The trying to secure something from outside of self in order to feel at peace within oneself.

It’s a recipe for emotional disaster and it’s also a recipe to be controlled with any number of “quick fix” solutions.

When we are not self-partnering, we live out emotional addictions and obsessions. These are compulsive attachments to emotional states (egoic), behaviours or people in order to try to distract us from the emotional pain of being disconnected from ourselves.

These states could be trying to be “perfect” to feel whole, being obsessive compulsive with certain things we do such as work, study, socialising, shopping, gambling, exercise, Facebooking, eating … or trying to medicate ourselves with people who are messed up so that we don’t have to face our own inner disconnection.

(Narcissists are the ultimate “disconnected” person.)

The problem with false substitutes is that they can capsize or spring leaks. In fact sooner or later they always do.

The “things” and “people” we try to self-medicate with will always be a match for the level of how much we are self-avoiding our own self-partnering. These choices are generally unhealthy, and even the choices we make that are healthy can only ever be temporary states, situations and people.

Even if they are healthy our desperate attachment is not. Here’s why … every “state”, “thing” or “person” is not for ever, and could exit your reality at any time.

When we try to hold states, things and people (outer commodities) responsible as our connection to ourselves we are in a very precarious position because at any time our fragile Inner Identity (based on props) could come crashing down.

And this doesn’t even mean having to lose this outer prop. Fearing losing it is bad enough.

Sadly, that is how most people live. Disconnected from self, and fearing the quality or consistency of False Substitutes, and believing that is their life.


Emotional Peace – The True Commodity

When we are stuck in our egos, and are not self-partnered we don’t value emotional peace. In fact we need drama to give us a survival reason to keep living. Without fights and battles outside of ourselves we would only be left (heaven forbid) with ourselves, which we have been trained to believe is the LAST place we should be going!

And I promise you, it is not until you start getting well that you realise this “normal” you were living was grossly unnatural and intensely self-damaging.

Emotional health is about self-partnering, prizing emotional peace and wholeness over everything and deeply realising all that “stuff” and “people” you chased was to try to feel safe and whole! Yet the answer was never in them, it was inside you all along!

But until you turn inwards and face and deal with the wounds and beliefs that have kept you disconnected from yourself, and been generating intense PTSD, you will not know this.

We also need to understand this: emotional peace has NOTHING to do what Life and others have delivered you – it is to do with your own state of consciousness.

Some people, no matter how many millions and riches they have, are never satisfied. Some people with hardly anything are incredibly happy. Someone with perfect health and their whole life ahead of them could be completely miserable, yet someone on their death bed even with their life cut short could have total peace. Someone who suffered horrendous abuse and used their breakdown experience as the most powerful breakthrough process to self-partner and liberate themselves could be gloriously happy and expanded. Someone who suffered the same level of abuse could be stuck in their wounds, still terminally disconnected from themselves and entrenched in victim mode and their life keeps getting worse and worse.

Your emotional reality is no more than how integrated you are with yourself or how dis-integrated you are with yourself.

The reason why any of us wanted ANYTHING was to try to feel content and at peace – not realising it had nothing to do with getting or doing – it is always to do with coming home to self-partnering and addressing our own state of consciousness.

And because humankind was disconnected from this truth they have viciously try to grasp, fight, compete, secure, murder, cling, obsess, fixate, control, manipulate, play martyr, give to get, plead, beg, run the victim story, and try make unmakeable deals work when everything is screaming otherwise … all because they are trying to make impermanent states permanent, and are terrified of losing something or someone that they have been convinced is necessary in order to have a safe, solid, sane identity.

All because we were disconnected from ourselves.


What Happens When We Are Not Self Partnered

As I’ve already hinted … and what I am about to say is a really big truth to understand. If you are not self-partnered you have PTSD. This has nothing to do with whether or not you have been “abused”.

And the interesting thing is when a narcissist comes into our life pretending to be “every solution to make you whole, protect you, and take your anxiety away” and then delivers the exact opposite (more of the already existing PTSD) we think the PTSD is new.

No its not – it’s merely accentuated. It was already there. Because what the narcissist has done is rip open every insecurity, frailty and fear you have about survival, security, not being good enough, and not being worthy of being loved. The narcissist sensed these gaps and attacked them with laser-like intensity.

Now we can blame the narcissist for that, if we want to stay a victim, and continue to have an incredibly disconnected, emotionally turbulent and painful life, or we can see a Higher Purpose and realise that the narcissist was a powerful reflector coming into our life to reflect our wounds back to us so that we could finally turn inwards enough to love and heal ourselves and become connected to ourselves.

When we are not in our bodies and not connected to ourselves, we generally don’t know we are disconnected because it has been “our normal”. After all our parents were more than likely like that, their parents were like that, and so on and so forth (all the DNA ancestry of survival, fear, pain and crisis consciousness).

No-one taught the value of coming home to ourselves in our bodies. Rather than our parents guiding us with, “Sit with your bad feelings, take your attention lovingly with full self-devotion inside your body, ask yourself what is this really about and heal yourself”, they would have been more likely to tell you, “Don’t dwell on it – get up and do something else.”

Because that is what they were trained to do – have emotional pain, ignore it and get on with it. Did people in “survival” have the luxury of being with themselves? No they didn’t!

Now we do have the time to be with ourselves, so let’s just take the human programmed lampshades off our heads and look at this squarely.

Would we ignore a smoke alarm going off? Do we ignore our cars when they start making strange clunking noises? Do we ignore our pet that starts limping and whimpering? Would we push away our own five year old child who came up to us screaming in genuine terror, and nastily say, “Go away! Watching TV, talking on the phone, eating chocolate cake, or going to see this abusive person is much more important than you. You are irrelevant!”?

No! Of course we wouldn’t do any of these things, unless we had really serious issues.

So why, WHY do we treat our own inner beings with such neglect and disregard, and then wonder WHY we have ended up so sick and gravitated into relationships with other people who mirror this identical treatment.

Ironically the very people we try to force to partner healthily with us, despite their inability and zero desire to, and despite us having no intention of emotionally partnering with ourselves!

Yet, despite our numerous self-avoidance strategies such as: keeping busy, sleeping, numbing out with food, cigarettes, alcohol, company, sex … Facebook , work  … whatever it takes, our emotional wounds don’t go away. They fester, they get bigger, and they scream louder for our attention.

And then when they get sooo bad that we are flattened with chronic depression, we may turn to medication to shut the painful emotions and feelings of despair up.

And we hope to hell that works …

But are we ever sorting out our emotions? Are we dealing with them?

Do we realise that just like the smoke alarm, the clunking engine, the whimpering pet, and the screaming child that the negative emotions are a signal – a cry for help to turn toward, and not run away from something that requires attention?

(Oh boy have you ever made the connection like I did why other people used to desert me in my time of emotional need? Look at what I was an expert of doing to myself! Can you see the correlation?)

Conveniently we weren’t told that coming inside to meet our wounds was necessary.

It was convenient, because it meant that we could be controlled. If we weren’t self-partnered it meant that we were disintegrating instead of integrating with ourselves. Then we were more powerless, not as effective, more easily distracted with addictive distractions, more easily sold drugs and quick fixes; such as the latest shiny, ego satisfying product that might just be the “magic outer pill” to take away the pain.

And our Inner Identities were so disconnected that they fell for it!

As a result we got further and further away from our self-connection. We lost essential faith and trust in ourselves. We were told we were soiled and carnal, and that our own devices were untrustworthy and unwholesome. So why on earth would we trust our own inner navigation system? Or course we had to check in with outer authorities and go along with them without question, regardless of whether or not their messages and choices for our life was right for us.

We lost touch with our God Within, the authority that would always let us know through our body emotionally whether or not something was loving and expansive, or fearful and not a soul truth.

Our focus on the outer world, rather than our own Inner Being, meant we tried to fit in with everyone outside of ourselves in order to survive – because they were the authority of our life.

All of us had gut feelings during our time with the narcissist that things weren’t right, yet we logically rationalised it away. No-one had taught us (other disconnected role models) that as soon as we come up with logical excuses to talk ourselves out of persistent gut feelings that we are in serious trouble.

In our justifications, and our second-guessing we ignored our Inner Wisdom, and instead tried to play it safe – trying to appease, placate and give people what they wanted so they would not hurt us, and would hopefully love us, protect us and grant us the goodies. The co-dependent model of, “If I just give you more this time you will love and look after me.” And when that didn’t work some people took the other option to survive – the narcissistic strategy: “If I control you and have the upper hand you will never be able to hurt me again.”

Both of these sadly normal states are the TOTAL symptoms of being disconnected from self. It’s no accident that disconnected people bump into disconnected people, and give birth to families of disconnected people, and play out life and love scenarios with them.

These states don’t work. The co-dependent finds that the person they are granting “everything” to only supplies them with more of the fears of emptiness, loneliness, not being acceptable and never being good enough, and the narcissist controlling another person to the point of their annihilation finds that this person can no longer grant them the narcissistic supply to feed the False Self and they need to discard them and go through the process all over again. Leading again to his / her worst fear of being unlovable and unacceptable, where self-deception after self-deception has to be constructed to keep self-avoiding the horror of facing self.

Both of these states lead to nowhere other than a living hell with the only solution ever being self-partnering to stop the self-defeating self-destructive cycles. The only solution is to stop manically trying to work out every other human entity in our experience, because all along all we have to do is come home, heal and be ourselves and generate life from a sane, healthy, solid place.

This is only possible if we deal with only ONE person – the only person we ever could deal with – ourselves.

Our psychology model also hasn’t helped. It’s a co-dependent model with a very low success rate; because unless work is done directly on the cause of all the issues (self-disconnection) there is no way that methods to try to deal with the symptoms – PTSD, abusive relationships, severe anxiety and depression are resolved. There are some great therapists, absolutely, and these are the people who understand to create a shift in the brain, you need to create a shift in the body, in the subconscious. Which means you have to get people in their body and self-partnered to have any hope of them healing their trauma.

Some of the conversations I have had with psychologists is about how they are so convinced people don’t want to feel and recognise inner wounding. I have had some of the worst ever personal sessions with therapists (trying to work on them) who insist they will not go inwards and will only deal with the issues cognitively. I refuse to work with people on this level because I know healing can’t happen at this level.

I don’t believe, personally, that people refuse to meet their inner wounding, because I know 100% that when people are sick of the pain they turn inwards. I also know shortly after doing so they experience profound relief as a result of finally self-partnering.

I would love to share with you a message that was posted today in the Private Facebook Webinar Group that brought me and others tears of joy.

This post was from a woman who has tried so many things and done years of therapy, and had had a terror of meeting her inner wounds – who in one week via being shown and educated about coming home into her own body and after being led to her self-partnering lovingly had this shift in my last Webinar …

“The healing exercise truly had a profound effect on me. I started crying when we got to the small young child laying on the ground with the blocks and the wounds. I felt it and I saw it and connected deeply with the emotional charge and within that timeless space and the eternal now a shift definitely occurred. My biggest fear of doing this ‘inner work’ has always been going in and reliving the horrors of the abuse from my childhood but it wasn’t like that at all. It was a very beautiful experience … similar to that of the birthing of a child. Bless you and bless your work Ms. Melanie. It is truly healing at its finest. Many thanks.”

And this was another lady’s experience in my latest Webinar …

“The notion of seeing and connecting with my inner little girl and loving, protecting and helping her heal was profound. I felt a level of self love I quite frankly don’t ever recall having. I envision that little girl clinging to my hand everywhere I go and imagine holding and hugging her tightly as I’m seated. I cannot wait to dig in to more and watch my little girl grow and flourish!!!”

Truly now these women will start healing – profoundly healing in a way that they were never able to access before. Because if we are not self-partnered, point blank our healing is impossible; we are always going to be precariously poised on outer fixes. And that is what I love about my healing model because it teaches people how to come home to themselves and how be their own healing source.

Until we have that ability, we are always dependent and we are never free, and we are never safe. We are never fully with the one person we need to be with more than anyone else – ourselves.


The False Beliefs That Keep Us Separated From Ourselves

In our egoic world of survival of the fittest, judgement, competition, lack and struggle we thought this: “Don’t be vulnerable … don’t be wounded or you will be rejected, abandoned, punished or attacked.”

So we didn’t go inwards. We shunned our painful emotions away and we put on a mask.

Then we met other people with masks. We’d already trained ourselves to be inauthentic, so we told people what they wanted to hear – we played the games, we ignored our inner guidance and intuition (we were taught it was wrong anyway) and then when that didn’t work we used righteousness and judgement and played the victim.

We said, “I would never behave like that!”

No … you probably would never purposefully lie to people, ignore their crying out to you for decency and love, and continue to hurt them horrifically.

That is other people – but you were certainly doing it to yourself. And you didn’t realise how the system of life operates at the Quantum (real) Level.

People who hurt you are treating you identically to how you treat yourself.

So again we are left with only one solution – come home to ourselves. Stop running from the painful emotions. Stop running away from the dragon. Walk into the cave with love and purpose and face the dragon.

Stop letting your shadows run your life by screaming out their pain to you and NOT going toward it. This is your young unhealed parts – this is the child within who needs your attention hugely.  What do children do when they are ignored? They get out of control, they act out … they will do everything they can do to get your attention. That is why life gets worse and worse because your Inner Being has to up the ante to try to get your attention.

What happens if you screamed “Shut up!!” and kept ignoring a child in distress? That child would become pathological. By the time we get to being narcissistically abused our inner child has become pathological. The projection of this disowned, disconnected pathology is what our shadow is drawing to us from Life itself. Every person you encounter, who is impactful, shows you how well or not you are treating and partnered with yourself.

We may call this “evil” when that person is abusive. But is it really? Is this an evil act or is it a necessary Divine Intervention sending a message to come home to ourselves?

I passionately believe it is the latter.

Every abuser can only hook you and hurt you via your gaps where you are not self-partnered and healthy. The parts of you that are fragile and seeking an outer source to fulfil them. When we look for False Substitutes we end up connected with False Selves – period.

Meaning either unhealthy co-dependents or narcissists – other disconnected non self-partnered people.

So again we are left with the same one and only solution – come home. That person is only a symptom of not being self-partnered. If that person had not showed up on your own disconnected trajectory of life, another would have had to fill their place.

Some of you will be feeling relief with this because you are realising that there is a way out! That if we have unconsciously been the generative force of this reality that hurts, we do have the power to change it to a new one. Not by trying to scream out about “them”, but as a result of coming home to where the real work needs to be done – within ourselves.

We have no power, ability or even right to change others. The only responsibility and ability we have for change is ourselves.

Those of you feeling intense distaste, self-triggers, revulsion and even the urge to attack me are still stuck in painful programmed illusions that prevent self-partnering … The defences of, “There is nothing wrong with me. I was the one that was abused! The abuser is the one with the issues not me!” And that’s okay if being determined to hang on to the Victim Model is where you are at. You just haven’t had enough of the pain yet.


The Fear of Our Inner Wounds

Yes, absolutely if you carry the self-judgemental beliefs of “anything less than perfect is not acceptable, and I can’t stand myself being defective” and if you subscribe to the unrelenting vengeful wrath of the role models we were taught to believe in, of course you are going treat yourself with horrendous conditions and self-damning thoughts and feelings.

And maybe you were taught that self-reflecting and being with yourself emotionally was wrong or even selfish! Maybe you are plagued with incredible guilt at the thought of self-partnering! Beliefs are powerful – and if you were programmed in your childhood with, “I have to forgo all my needs and tend to others to try to be loved and safe”, absolutely you are going to baulk at coming internally home.

Worse still, you may have had the religious abuse of believing that connecting with yourself is evil. Interestingly there was a woman on my Facebook Page just recently who stated that everyone who wants to focus on “being with themselves” is satanic and narcissistic. She runs a Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Group – and it’s so interesting how she really doesn’t understand narcissists at all! They are the LAST people on the planet who are “with” their Inner Beings self-partnered. Narcissists are totally NOT self-partnered hence their voracious neediness, and sucking the outside world dry to try to emotionally sustain themselves.

How ridiculous! If we are not right with ourselves, clearly we are not going to treat other people healthily. We will hold them responsible and try to force them to change to make ourselves feel better. We will employ conditional love wherever we go. We will take offence easily and be continually triggered by people not supplying us with what we think they should.

And we will generate and accept unhealthy behaviour – because after all isn’t it just more of the same way we already feel and operate?

If you accept any of these programmed beliefs why would you go inside in times of emotional pain? Why would you want to spend any time with yourself alone? Of course you had no option other than to self-avoid, not realising that every person who hurts you is a representation of the disowned parts of yourself that you are trying to run from.

The parts of you that have been relentlessly meeting you outside of you to get your attention.

So again, there is only one solution – turn inwards and meet yourself. Drop the horrendous conditioned beliefs that it is wrong to go within, or that you can somehow shame, criticise, punish, hate and humiliate yourself into being healthy.

Does that work for children?

Does that work for anyone?

Or does that just make people sicker?

If you face the truthful answer, you know you need to stop doing it, and that you need to walk into the cave and walk up to the dragon.

Your inner child may have become a dragon. He or she is huffing and puffing and bellowing, “Come here! What do I have to do to get you to love me, accept me, help me, hold me and be there for me? WHAT do I have to do to get your attention and get you to COME HERE?!”

That is your fully blown PTSD… it’s NOT what happened to you – it is your disconnection from yourself.

That is your manic grasping onto abusers – assigning False Sources as your Inner Child’s solution instead of becoming that yourself – which is only causing you to disintegrate further as your inner being becomes more and more traumatised and destroyed.

So again the solution is come inside … stop running around everywhere trying to get away from yourself, when you are just meeting these wounds everywhere. The total path of the martyr/ victim is the fully blown evidence of that – the being persecuted by the narcissist, others, minions, the legal system, everything really … not realising that when we self-integrate that life no longer needs to bring the evidence of self-disconnection.


How Do We Create the Body Connection?

This section is about “How we connect in our body” which I am sure you really want to understand.

I am going to give you the EXACT answer.

This is how the process begins. Stop trying to use your mind to work out emotional pain (the signal), because that only keeps you disconnected and only adds to the pain. Think about your life when you are severely triggered and your logical mind starts obsession and beating you up.

Now you understand why you have doing everything to try to avoid being triggered and feeling your pain, because it’s your mind that’s been destroying you.

Also stop thinking you should be avoiding your triggers. In other words stop trying to “take your mind off them” with outer self-medications.

Instead bless and accept your triggers that are always granting you the ability to track a painful trauma in your body back to it’s origin and release it and replace it with a healthier belief / state.

Because that is how you evolve yourself. That is how you change your life from the inside out beyond description. That is exactly how I resurrected my life and continue to expand it exponentially and have helped thousands of other people Thrive also.

This is an exercise I granted the latest 3 Keys Secret Facebook Webinar Group last week before they did the Webinar this week.


Self-Partnering Exercise

1) Go to a quiet space with yourself and a journal where you will not be disturbed.

2) Close your eyes, open your heart up and breathe and take your attention inside yourself.

3) Ask yourself where the painful trigger is in your body … where do you feel it? It may be in your heart, your solar plexus, anywhere at all. It may be so big you feel it everywhere under your skin.

4) Ask yourself “How old is this part of me?” Fully understanding that the way you have been emotionally turning up is not as a mature healthy adult … it has to do with young, vulnerable unhealed wounds. I promise you this was true for all of us. This is what our adult abusers are reflecting at us today – our unfinished childhood business.

5) Let your subconscious “tell” you the answer. It will be a feeling, a flash in your mind, it is a message from your gut – NOT a logical deduction.

6) Then ask “What is this about sweetheart?” Really tap in and allow your young wounded part to reveal to you the fear, and the pain and or the events that created this wound. This is where you have to trust and allow and don’t judge what “comes up” … trust it – because this is how your subconscious (which knows everything about you) connects with you. You need to do this with love and devotion, otherwise your inner child will not trust you. Your inner child says, “I have the key to your healing, but I’m not handing it to you until you love me.” And why should he or she? Why should any child?

7) Be fully present lovingly as you write what this is all about. Don’t judge, or feel repulsion or turn away. Radiate love and hold the space for your Inner Being to feel heard and supported.

8) Pledge to your Inner Being that you are never leaving again, and declare with all the love that you can muster that you are going to help your Inner Being heal and develop, and that the greatest mission now is to create this essential integrated relationship with your inner child, which means with yourself.

I promise you by doing this you will start to get relief … because your Inner Being will start relaxing, and stop panicking, as a result of knowing finally that you have “showed up”.

The people in the Webinar Facebook Group who engaged in this practice started feeling incredible peace and relief even before they had the super-tool shift ability that they experienced in the Webinar with Quanta Freedom Healing. Relief came because of connecting to themselves with love even before they were taught the process to reprogram and shift their subconscious.

The profound relief was because the screams of panic and fear from inside them (inner emotional wounds) started to subside saying “Thank God finally you are here!” As a result there was an immediate shift back toward health, sanity, clarity and regaining power back, because of turning inwards 180 degrees and getting to the only true solution there is – coming home to ourselves.

I urge you to do this exercise too, and that is why I provided it … but it must be done with love and openness in your heart and the total commitment to be fully present and love yourself in the process. You need to stop giving power to the self-destructive beliefs that have harmed you.

Now I really want to answer some of the questions that people have asked on my Facebook Page this week about “The Body Connection”.


Questions and Answers Regarding the Body Connection

“The hard thing is connecting to self when you’re in a moment of anger or frustration or pain. Because I am used to going into my head first and that is where I lose my power.”

MY ANSWER: We have to completely retrain ourselves not to go into our head. It doesn’t work! It never has! We need to detach from the outer world and event, be alone, go inside and find and work on the trigger. Not only is that the true solution, it also means that when we successfully up-level that trigger Life does not have to keep supplying “that” wound to us to get our attention to meet it.

“I often feel like I am observing the world around me as though I am dreaming it rather than being an active participant. And my memory is poor. I lived down a rabbit hole for so long I think I’m in a movie sometimes.”

MY ANSWER: This is what disassociation feels like, brought about by the disconnection to our self, the ways we get sick, the ways we have tried to numb out, and the ways we have been controlled by others. When we start self-partnering and healing all of that reverses and heals. We start experiencing a connection to ourselves and then Life and others and a joy of living that we were never capable of before self-partnering.

“Some triggers bring on disassociated feelings. I’m sure it boils down to it’s my choice to stay there where I feel so separate from self. I find it hard to trust myself to protect myself from harm when I am not able to get away from triggers in enough time before they wake up old traumas. Going through a dissociative state now. Not pleasant. But I’m resting and pampered myself. Slowly working through it.”

MY ANSWER: The real solution is not about trying to protect yourself from triggers. It is about fully facing the triggers and then you will not have to keep unconsciously going back to them to try to awaken you to heal your unconscious parts. What we resist persists. We think that trying to run from our triggers will save us – in stark contrast our unhealed parts will keep driving us back to exactly what and who is harming us until we face and heal the true origin of our triggers. Can you understand why you keep going back and why you aren’t protecting yourself now? Our being will keep us in the game, whatever it takes, until we heal the origin of the wound.

“I have been so conditioned to keep the peace and do and say whatever keeps another happy (not in rage) that now I don’t really know myself. I still am on auto pilot. How to reconnect with me?”

MY ANSWER: Face what hurts emotionally about all of what you just wrote. Track it through your body and be with those parts of yourself. If you want super-tool ways of healing your subconscious please come into my next Webinar to experience Quanta Freedom Healing (details at end of this article). Then you will experience a direct and powerful shift, after you track the emotions back.

“I want to understand 1-The steps to heal the brain and from the stress hormones addiction. 2-The steps to heal the neurological injuries and physiological damages that occurred during the time of NA trauma. 3- Signs that show that The addiction has been healed. 4-How not to fall back again into the peptide addiction.”

MY ANSWER: 1) When you shift the subconscious programs in your body your brain neurons immediately shift to reflect that change. It is not the brain you want to heal – it is the beliefs in the body – because the brain follows the body always. Trying to change the brain without working in the body never works, it is like putting a cart in front of a horse.

2) The same as number 1. When the beliefs shift everything about the “trauma” and the “damage” begins to heal and resets to wellbeing (True Self function). An organic wellbeing that is a far improvement on your state even before abuse.

3) You won’t be addicted! You will not have obsession, emotional hooks and pulls. You will simply have space, peace and excitement regarding creating your life. You will know that you feel the best your ever have because you are self-partnered and no longer assigning outer sources precariously as your source of self. And the only thoughts you will have about the N will be complete indifference and then incredible gratitude that this person was the healing agent in your life that led you back to the necessity to partner yourself.

4) You are only in peptide addiction when you try to use you mind to sort out emotional wounding. Every time you come into your body instead and track the emotional trigger to its source in order to uplevel yourself, you are breaking the cycle of addiction to peptides. Once you have awareness of peptide addiction – peptide addiction is more a choice that a state. If you are mentally trying to heal your subconscious rather than meeting emotions internally you are automatically creating nasty peptides that are entering your cells and addicting you to negative emotional states. The more you up-level through your body, the less intensity of the triggers, and piece by piece by piece you break the cycle, but naturally it takes a full dedication forever to stop trying to deal with emotional wounds with anything less than self-partnering – because it simply doesn’t work.

“I still refer to (my body) as a separate entity. I’ve noticed through muscle testing during life and the modules, that I trust the wisdom of my body and it always agrees with my intuitive inner voice. Do we naturally connect with our bodies as we integrate ourselves? Is trying to connect with it, all that doing and striving just the ego driving me? How about the trapped energy that we release? That’s blocking conjoining right? But our egos block it as well. There seems to be blocks and resistance to conjoining on all 4 levels, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally. It’s fascinating how it all works together. When we talk about self care, it seems like the care towards our form. When we talk about self love it seems more emotional and mental. It seems like the body is a gateway of sorts to our higher being, Source, and internal parent. We have to go through it. I know I used to live “in my head” which was ego. I go through my body to heal my wounds, that means through the emotional pain, but also we bring our awareness to the physical body part where the energy is trapped.”

MY ANSWER: Okay the reason I included this is because this is a common case of totally over-thinking all of this – and still trying to mentally work it out! This equals how to lose in this self-partnering game, and our head is sooo clever at this – our ego, our mental constructs trying to get answers trying to compartmentalise, formulate and control. I would seriously target in your body “My head wanting to control everything.” Pick it up in your body, track and find the origins of that need … it will be something like “I have to work this out perfectly” “If I don’t get this right I will be punished” or something like that. You need to heal the original trauma that is making your mind over-involved in your healing process.

The healing process is this simple – I promise you, despite how much our head wants to overcomplicate. Feel the negative state in our body (including confusion, wanting to know, any anxiety or feelings of fearfully not knowing) track it through to its origin and bring in the Source replacement with the Quanta Freedom Healing process and then rather than needing to know everything you will just start feeling great, free, expanded and wise in the knowing that you don’t need to know. The goal is to “be”, not in control of your Life consciously, rather in the total knowing and anchored faith that a bigger and higher force (your Higher Self / Super Conscious / God Element) has your life perfectly in hand, nurtured, flourished and nourished for you. That is the state you seek by relinquishing “needing to know” and simply up-levelling one wound at a time.

And I promise you as a previous over-analyser that suffered every day “analysis paralysis”, that when you get there the obsessing goes, and the space and the peace just “is”. That is our True Self state.

“I’m really hoping for “Reconnecting with your Body for Dummies” lol. Only recently I realized just how disconnected I’ve been, coincidentally while listening to one of the thriver stories where she spoke on the topic. I had no idea and it was a major breakthrough for me. I think it might be useful to list some of the signs of being fractured for those who don’t realize they are in that place. Also some 101 ways of anchoring, simple baby steps…I’ve been practicing yoga for 10 years and still struggle with how to use it properly for this purpose. I read somewhere nature is a good place to start, like walks, and I’ve been trying that but would love more ideas.”

MY ANSWER: I truly believe through my own journey of massive disassociation – when I only realised that I was out of my body, when I started to come into my body – that the reason we are not in our body is because it is so clogged up with trauma that we can’t “be” in it. Why would we set up camp in a war-zone? We feel the constant need to escape ourselves, so things like meditation, yoga and nature can give us a bridge to tolerate being with ourselves for a while, but after those processes finish we are left with ourselves wounds and all again. Even generally just being for “a moment” without obsessing and doing something as a distraction means we feel the uncomfortableness of what is going on inside us.

Before Quanta Freedom Healing I had tried everything. Every meditation and connecting to self technique I could find … I had been on that path for decades. What I have found now as a result of targeting and releasing wounds out of my body and bringing in the Source replacements (my True Self) to replace where the wounds were, is this: that there is nowhere else now to be but in my body. I am just “there”, and it is wonderful. The reason I am there is because I found the way to enter my body purposefully to meet my wounds and release and up-level them (that’s what the process of Quanta Freedom Healing does) and now because of that inner work, I just am in my body!

It’s crazy really because one may say, “I’m stuck in my inner world”, but it’s actually not like that at all. Being in our body connected to ourselves is a natural organic state we don’t have to force when we are free of enough inner wounding. I have never been more genuinely connected to people and life and nature and yoga and anything else I do (more present) as a result of being anchored in my body. These days it takes a very unusual event to throw me out of my body – and if that happens, I come back in to find the false beliefs and wounds that were triggered, up-level with Quanta Freedom Healing and then get even more up-levelled, evolved and anchored “back home” in my body.

“I’ve been healing and going through the steps and working with a therapist for almost a year now. I look back and see so many things I’ve changed and learned about myself! I’ve also learned about things I still need to change and one of them is exactly this topic!!! I don’t know how to take care of my body in this scenario. In the past, when I’ve been in embroiled in my co-dependent attitudes of changing myself so that I can be appreciated and loved – I always had something/someone to motivate the care – push me to work out, push me to take care of myself. Now that I’m completely on my own, and I do mean completely, I procrastinate and unmotivate myself more than ever! I’m looking forward to learning how to change things for me and how to tune into what my body is trying to tell me!!!”

MY ANSWER: The answer to this is exactly the process in the exercise I shared in this article. If we don’t drop inside ourselves to our negative emotions and connect with them, we are totally guessing what is up with ourselves. Staying in our logical mind, disconnected from ourselves, is like looking at a closed car bonnet and trying to guess what is wrong with the engine. This is why you don’t know what the wounds are that are blocking your connection to yourself or how to up-level and heal them because you are not in contact with them. Does that make sense?

“I get very anxious in crowds – I’ve been referring to the feeling as claustrophobic – I bet it’s related to this topic and something I’ll heal from, when I can identify the relationship.”

ANSWER: Absolutely all nervous system disorders such as C-PTSD, agoraphobia, social anxiety etc. are about not feeling safe in our body, and the only reason we don’t feel safe in our body (regardless of what happened to us) is because we are not as yet self-partnered. When you come home and self-partner the fears will melt away. Absolutely. They always do.


Understanding the Body Versus the Mind

As I wrap up this article I want you to understand this more than anything – narcissistic abuse is the biggest opportunity and necessity to self-partner I think we could ever have.

Because Life can no longer go on as normal.

Our wounds are screaming so hard they have our full attention.

Everything in our outer world is generally blown up beyond repair – all the props, people and things that we thought were going to give us relief from inner emptiness and fears are gone.

Which leaves us only with ourselves … Or if we are not yet at that level of breakdown, and we continue to cling to the narcissist or / and our own victimhood, we are certainly heading for it.

And that is apt … that is meant to happen, because our soul has an agenda – “Stop living life disconnected and come home to Who You Really Are.”

That has to happen through your body.

Which means you have to partner with your emotions.

Which means you need to bring your attention “inside” of you.

If we want to come home to our connection to ourselves, others, Life and our Higher Power – it is through our body.

That access does not happen in your mind, it happens within your body, your heart and your soul – which are all synonyms for your emotional connection to All That Is.

Your mind is not your being – it is only an “idea’ … “a concept” … it is not an embodied knowing.

Therefore these questions are very relevant:

”Do you spend time alone?” “Do you connect to the infinite wisdom of your Inner Being?” “Do you love and accept yourself with all of your issues and wounds with the full devotion to midwife your own breakdowns, no matter how small or big, to their appropriate breakthroughs?

And this one …

“Are you committed to partner yourself and love yourself more fully, completely and devotedly than any other human being ever has?”

If not, you are not yet in your body self-partnered, and you are not home yet. Which means you will seek outer substitutes who will not provide you with your self-partnering, rather they are set up in this holographic quantum reality to remind you of all the ways you are not yet self-partnering and loving yourself.

Even though as a result of this article you may “get it”, if you are not yet in your body, your mind will want a “logical” way.

This is an experienced thing, it is not a logical thing. For it to be logical thing would be like saying “You will lose 20 pounds before you start gym and healthy eating.” You cannot experience consciousness until you start working on it. You cannot get a shift in your brain “knowing it” until you have done the shift in your body first.

This is why this is initially a leap of faith. Most people start pursuing the path of self-partnering when they have run out of every option outside of themselves to get relief. Narcissistic abuse is such a time. It is, in my opinion, the ultimate wake-up call.

Through the experience of narcissistic abuse we discover the full brunt of the price of being disconnected from ourselves. And of course we didn’t know it; but through this we found out. We find out that the beliefs that we are a victim, that life is random, and that we can fix other people and their behaviours in order to change our life don’t work.

This is our awakening … all for the purpose of coming home to ourselves … and discovering that Love is all there is. And it has to start at home.

Self-partnering is the entire premise of my Healing Model – to get you into your body and self-partnered in order to break free from abuse and become healthier than you have ever been in your entire life.

To learn more about this I’d love you to join me in my next Free 3 Hour Tele-class.

Click here to reserve your spot for this live event. 


As always I look forward to answering your comments and questions.

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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47 Thoughts on Healing From Narcissistic Abuse: Coming Home To Our Bodies
    August 7, 2015

    I didnt even no i was being N abused until after the break up but now realize that i used alot of dissasociation tactics learnt from childhood to block out the pain and feeling of not having any control i do remember feeling totaly at a loss as to how to solve the relationship problems.
    I have begun to relate to my child within and are learning to stay calmer and talk to her still feels a little weird though.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 9, 2015

      Hi Amanda,

      that is so wonderful you have started to connect the dots. It’s also gorgeous that you are purposefully seeking connection to your Inner Child.

      I really want you to understand that when we have a lot of wounding inside us, and don’t know how to shift it out, it can be really difficult to release the tramans and ego barriers (defences) that are separating us from our Inner Being.

      I would love you to come into my next webinar so that you can really get a “leg up” to help you heal this. Then rather than it feeling weird, I promise you it will start feeling organically and automatically natural – even before you have healed the wounds.

      You can sign up to the Webinar here:

      Mel xo

    August 7, 2015

    Wow Mel ! Your information and connection is just accelerating from day to day… is like a never – ending stream of wisdom that knows no end !! I have been doing your QFH for some while now. I seem to go through phases where I don’t feel the need to do many but these past few weeks I have experienced a new influx of triggering experiences. Similar to the old stuff ( Thoughts, emotions, memories and senses connected to my old narc relationship that ended over 6 years ago, first of all I panicked that it still was not all gone….seems an awful long time to be still feeling the ramifications ! But now I am just relaxing into the healings and remembering that it is not about him, or judging that I am not over it etc and am spending time loving myself and seeing the wonder in the fact that my body is so wanting to protect me that it represses things deep, deep down until I am ready to face it…..poor little sensitive soul that it is !!) Anyway, I just wanted to thank you so much for this unbelievably powerful and life – changing work that you do.
    I am a trained actress by profession, and so many of my emotional experiences have thrown me off my apparent “path”, I have got going and “broken” down, got going again and “broken” down, never quite gaining momentum with anything despite abilities and much support. Only lately I began to think either it is totally the wrong path for me, or there is a wound connected to this “wobbiliness” that needs healing. I look forward to finding out………
    I suspect I might be pointing more and more in the direction of healing work since having had this experience…….
    Anyway, thank you SO much once again for your genius work, by saving your own life you have saved so many more, but better than that: by leading by example and sharing your gifts, you have helped people create a life they could have only ever imagined in their wildest dreams…….Love X

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 9, 2015

      Hi Peeks,

      it is very, very true that every shift I do on myself creates an expansion of my consciousness, and the healing path just gets clearer and clearer.

      I am so blessed that I love this Life orientation – and realise that it is not just for myself, but to share with the collective as well. The wonderful thing is that it is unlimited, and consciousness never stops expanding … I love this journey,and I love having no idea just to what levels it will lead!

      It is very very normal that as we ascend Peeks that we will hit new levels of “now it is time for this density to be released out of our body to get to the next heightened level of consciousness” … and it is very true that some density (trapped fear / pain in our body) is not even going to “come up” until we reach a certain ascension level – being the multi-dimensional beings that we are.

      We can’t be releasing 7th grade density in the 2nd grade (as an example).

      It is therefore totally appropriate to LOVE density clearing at all levels, knowing this is exactly what is going on.

      It will be very interesting when you feel into the emotional charge of what has been taking place for you – track it through your body and get to the true causation wounds. Then absolutely you will have clarity – and possibly a complete healing of those “breakdowns” where they no longer need to represent not yet healed inner wounds.

      Everything, without exception, Peeks is pointing us inwards .. the outer is merely a holograph representing our own energetic creations.

      You’re so welcome:) It is my absolute joy to serve you in any way I can to help you evolve.

      Mel xo

    August 8, 2015

    Thank you so much for this article!
    I wanted to share that being the daughter of two narcissistic parents, it took me 32 years to open my eyes and it happened only one year ago…. and I’ve had several physical break downs which constantly and still remind me of the way I have been abused and let myself been abused to the point that I can’t live like before…. suffering fromlower back pain, stains on my skin and hormonal disregulation… the most difficult for me is the back pain and visible stains on my face which I know show how much I have left myself and even was born with violated boundaries… How can I in that case reconnect and be at peace with my body which constantly reminds me of the abuse and gives me anxiety then? i’m doing it everyday, connecting to my body and taking care of myself but cos of visible physical symptoms, the inner conflict is stronger. What would you suggest for me? Many thanks!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 9, 2015

      Hi Alexandra,

      you are so welcome.

      I want you to know that no matter what you have suffered in regard to abuse, and even if, as it has been in your case all of your life, the healing path is the same.

      The truth is Alexandra we can’t connect healthily to ourselves with a ton of trauma wedged in our bodies (subconscious / emotions) … we need to get it out.

      That is what self-partnering is – getting into your body to get the trauma out with an effective process that makes it safe and powerfully possible.

      That is exactly what Quanta Freedom Healing is.

      And it is exactly what the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program creates – which is also for people with childhood narcissistic abuse.

      If after reading up on QFH and NARP you’re still not ready for that step, please come into the next Webinar with me, so that I can lead you through self-partnering and QFH exercises – so that you get to actually experience this:

      Mel xo

    Been There
    August 8, 2015


    Awesome article!!!!!!

    Wow! loaded with so much information and so true. So very very true.

    Boy!~ I wish – I had read this or come across this 4 years ago.

    Million thanks and blessings for putting this information out.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 9, 2015

      Hi Been There,

      Thank you and I am so glad you enjoyed it 🙂

      Please know everything – no matter how it looks – is always in perfect and divine timing.

      Honestly, would you have been ready for this information 4 years ago?

      Can you see the perfection of what you needed to go through to get to this point of consciousness?

      Bless that and send it incredibly gratitude and before you know it you will have just expanded another level into even greater Divinity and joy.

      You are so welcome Been There!

      Mel xo

    August 8, 2015

    Melanie – this explains so much for me about my ‘Survival Programs”

    I’ve just been angry about – life.
    Since I was 3…by the time I was 3 I had felt victimized and in survival mode.

    And now – all these years later – I am once again upended – and fearing/facing being homeless.

    Cannot catch a break.

    But I am working on myself – thanks to your help and wisdom.


    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 9, 2015

      Hi Jen,

      I am so pleased the answers are coming together for you.

      Anger is always a defence for feelings of powerlessness, fear and intense vulnerability.

      It truly is about getting to those deeper emotions and up-levelling them, otherwise we will keep meeting the results of the feelings of powerlessness and fear no matter how much anger we employ trying to fend it off.

      That belief “cannot catch a break” needs to be sorted, otherwise it is just going to keep generating the EXACT evidence with Life of that belief.

      (Because that’s exactly what subconscious belief systems do.)

      That and the other offending beliefs (what hurts intensely) need to be tracked through your body to their origins and up-leveled, and then Life will reflect the new beliefs.

      That is the only solution.

      You can do this!

      Mel xo

    August 8, 2015

    You are such an angel to do the work you do. This was truly on point with what I am doing and going through with the work I started in the program. I look forward to the triggers and how I talk to myself about my reactions and what it is that I do to settle myself down. The Quantum Freedom Healing modules are jewels to help this process along. I used to be afraid of the emotional responses I would get when I was triggered, this being before the Narc, now I welcome them with open arms as it is an invitation to see and be with myself; and, really, that is all there is; and, all there is, is everything.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 9, 2015

      Hi Rick,

      thank you so much for your sweet words!

      How wonderful you embrace the Dragion! Because it is in the releasing and transforming of our wounds, our darkest pieces, that the most brightest of light is released.

      You get it!

      That is awesome Rick!

      Mel xo

    August 8, 2015

    Hi Mel,

    How cool you are talking a little about the societal history piece.

    Various indigenous cultures, more spiritually intact than our western one, still today recognize trauma as part of life, and that passing through a terrifying experience may cause what is sometimes referred to as soul loss. Where there is such recognition, the person so afflicted can get help from healers, to take back their own balance. Then they don’t spend their life losing more bits and pieces. That recognition was thrown away by european culture centuries and even millenia ago; if one traces the histories and stories back, one can pretty clearly trace this. So this aspect of spiritual healing is part of what we are reclaiming, part of our healing of these long entrenched patterns of abuse or dysfunction. Powerful stuff! So grateful we are beginning to be able to talk about and work with it again.

    peace and joy –


    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 9, 2015

      Hi Val,

      I think its really cool too – because I am passionate about doing all I can to help midwife our New World … the requirement of a collective shift. Us all awakening to vital truths about what has really been going on in our world and within ourselves.

      I totally agree with you that there were such healthy ways to deal with trauma in the past – that all got thrown out to keep people in personal dis-connect and therefore controlled by outer forces.

      I LOVE that you mentioned this and shared that bit of info here! Thank you 🙂

      Isn’t it brilliant that we are coming home to truths, and that we CAN talk about them freely now?

      Such an exciting time to be alive!

      Mel xo

        August 16, 2015

        Valerie and Melanie, I am loving this part of the conversation. Yes, indigenous people knew how to heal trauma, to restore someone to their wholeness. I love that this was done (from my understanding) with community support and interventions, even though the healing occurred within the individual. Such a lovely balance of the two and the recognition that when one member of the community wasn’t whole, then the community would be affected by that, and that the community had a responsibility to contribute and support the individual’s healing. I am so, so glad that this is being reclaimed! I’m sure our healthy ancestors are smiling and applauding!

    Mary Casey
    August 8, 2015

    As always Mel….amazing!!
    Blessings to you!

    August 8, 2015

    Thank you Mel for your continued insight and wisdom. Feeling like I am really close to coming home to myself and only just beginning to trust and love myself enough to even consider a possible “friendship”/ relationship with someone but wonder if we are truly self partnered to our selves, what need is there for a mate? But why do I feel a connection with someone and would love to see where it takes me. I don’t believe I am being needy or codependent but all those lovely feelings of wanting to know someone at a deeper level are there and I don’t want to confuse myself with thinking that I am only feeling this way because I am not fully self partnering me. Any further insight would be welcomed. Xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 9, 2015

      Hi Kally,

      you are so welcome!

      This one can be really confusing for people, and it used be confusing for me too Kally before I did a lot of shifts on it.

      The truth is Kally is there is NO need for a partner .. and that is appropriate because whenever we have a “need” then we are in survival programs, we can never truly love someone freely and we are always making “love” conditional.

      Neediness will only ever bring the lessons and pain of “more need”.

      In the holographic reality of your emotional energetic creations there is actually no “other” … only “situations and people reflecting back your own creation of self” … so what you may wish to start shifting towards and experiencing is the Divinity of You expanding out to include “more” than just a personal somewhat limited experience.

      What this means is “Being Big Love” … not attempting to “get love”. This means we fill ourselves with love, which of course means freeing ourselves from fear and pain and creating a direct “filling” with Source and then we spread that love wherever we go.

      We connect to people in our Life honestly, lovingly, authentically. We share love with our environment, nature, pets, projects, strangers … all aspects of “life”. We can experience the most profound levels of love in everything we do – even just an eye contact and a smile. And we take out of this the whole “romantic neediness” stuff.

      We are love genuinely not trying to secure a mate, or have someone take care of our security or needing love from them in order to feel worthy – we just Be Love ..

      We can also work on our beliefs that may be blocking an intimate partner – absolutely – so that we can expand the being of “love” to the most vulnerable of personal levels (intimate partnership) .. so yes absolutely we can work at aligning with a heartfelt desire whilst being love totally unconditionally – as the Pure Love we are without our wounds.

      And this is NOT reckless love, it is love with discernment because love means loving ourselves.

      The truth is when we are busy being and expanding into as much love as we can be – we are so filled with “love” that we have no need for a partner, yet ironically we are vibrationally the most likely to A) attract it B) recognise it for real as to whether or not it is healthy and C) allow REAL love into our life.

      Does this help?

      Mel xo

        August 16, 2015

        Kally, thank you for this question, and Melanie, thank you for this brilliant answer. I have often wondered about this myself, and I love your explanation. It is so clean and clear. And I suspect that although there are parts of ourselves that are still healing our wounds, there are also healthy parts of ourselves that feel this desire for a loving and healthy connection based on true love and not on survival needs. I suspect these parts of ourselves can overlap sometimes — all the more reason to be very clear whether we are coming from a wound place within or a healthy, whole place within. Thanks again!

    August 8, 2015

    Am doing the Narp program onto Mod.4. This article about body connection and self partnering has made something very clear to me that I did not completely comprehend doing the modules. Makes a whole lot better sense to me now and I shall go back. I have a situation where I am kind of obsessed still with a n not giving me the attention my child wants and I want to punish him. This article enabled me to go into my body….ask what this is about……yes I see it now for the first time my dad wouldn’t give me that attention as a child ..causes feeling of rejection and attention seeking for approval, only to be ignored yet again…and this causes the obsessive neediness of the endless black hole…cause narc will not and cannot give to me what I need to give to my inner wounded child…..I did the self partnering exercise with this. Oh I get it now……hallelujah. Going to do the whole QFH technique with this. This work is amazing. Thank you.

    August 8, 2015

    Am doing the Narp program onto Mod.4. This article about body connection and self partnering has made something very clear to me that I did not completely comprehend doing the modules. Makes a whole lot better sense to me now and I shall go back. I have a situation where I am kind of obsessed still with a narc not giving me the attention my child wants and I want to punish him. This article enabled me to go into my body….ask what this is about……yes I see it now for the first time my Narc dad wouldn’t give me that attention as a child ..caused feelings of deep rejection and sadness and anger resulting in tantrums and crazy attention seeking acting out Behaviour by me…..only to be ignored yet again…and this causes the obsessive never satisfied neediness of the endless black hole up to now. And it never will end until I self partner to heal this… how destructive to me..cause ex narc (representative of my dad by way of a different man) will not and cannot give to me what I need to give to my inner wounded child from myself now…the love and acceptance from my adult self…..I will continue to do the self partnering exercise about this…it’s huggge for me …. Oh I get it now……hallelujah. Going to do the whole QFH technique with this wound to stop this horrible but familiar obsessive needing to get attention…enter the narc ……and the cycle begins again…and then making myself look like a crazy woman……oh no more…..This destructive behavior to myself never satisfies and is crazy making. This work is amazing. Thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 9, 2015

      Hi Bren,

      that is so wonderful that it has really dropped in as “knowing” for you now.

      Great that you will really connect into the Modules now.

      Perfect that you now see EXACTLY what has been playing out – and how all of us held / hold N’s responsible for what was actually never about them anyway (of course unless they were the parent) … and the truth is as children this all got set up, and now as adults we CAN heal it!

      So true, Bren … until we heal it, it is self-destructive behaviour with no way out!!

      I LOVE that you are on to it now!

      Bravo Bren 🙂

      Mel xo

    August 8, 2015

    Dearest Melanie,
    I hesitantly began the Modules 2 weeks ago because I was afraid of the mess that would come up and out. The shifts I have received have been astounding! You are correct, it is like peeling back an onion which is why I am still in Module 1. I look forward daily of releasing pain I have been experiencing for decades. I finally know the truth of what has happened and what I have allowed to happen. I don’t blame anymore, don’t feel compelled to convince others anymore, and I can just be and work towards my higher self. I am grateful for those experiences that have brought me to a better life. The best part of this Module is my safe place and the soft pillow. Now when I experience pain from the outside, I understand what is happening, choose to go within and I quickly shift to this place.
    What is even more exciting is that I DO NOT feel those emotional charges anymore, and when I get a fleeting unhealthy memory, I don’t feel anything. It’s strange like it never happened. My beautiful life is matching how I feel and is unfolding right before my eyes and in my soul. Again, I appreciate the truth. It will set you free.
    Much love to you and yours,

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 9, 2015

      Hi Karen,

      I LOVE that you faced your inner, and I love that you found out that rather than something horrendous being in there, there was a child who needed your healing and love and you had the tool with NARP to do that.

      It is a miracle when it is just “gone”! And it is when we up-level it – the energetic signature is no more, which means the emotions, the powerless handing over power that we did, and the real life matches are gone … one by one by one by one.

      Hence why our life changes beyond recognition.

      Much love back to you and your dear ones too Karen.

      Mel xo

    August 10, 2015

    Hi Melanie

    First of all great big thanks, after years of searching for info on NPD at last have found words that help me and the inner me. I have cut of having a relationship with my 25 year old daughter for the past few months, I appreciate the same rules apply to a your child and all your words have helped. My daughter has a son, who I have also not seen in this time, I am really struggling with this he is only 18 months old and miss him so much, but my daughter had started using him as a blackmail tool to get to me as a last resort and yet another way to blame and abuse me for everything, please help struggling with this one.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 13, 2015

      Hi Carolyn,

      you are so welcome.

      Its so, so important to understand the Quantum Reality that we are connected to everything.

      And this means if on these “topics hat hurt” you can shift the hurt and the trauma out of your body – and get to emotional peace inside of you, then you have “space” for The Field (Life) to deliver what you want on these topics.

      We can never change our beingness into outer results with “doingness”. The Quantum Law is “so within, so without.”

      I have witnessed miracle after miracle of alienated children and families returning to people after they cleared the trauma of it out of their bodes with Quanta Freedom Healing.

      That is the incredible irony of life .. that when we no longer need an outcome to feel better (because we are inwardly resolved before the situation unfolds) then the outer will show up to reflect that.

      Truly ..

      Mel xo

    August 13, 2015

    I have read almost everything on this blog with great interest thanks to my mercifully short-lived experience with an N. I cannot get past the oversimplified, partially true historical narrative and regret that I am being overtly asked to be “open-minded” toward it. That I cannot do; it is simply a matter of facts, not belief or disbelief.

    I cannot argue with a lot of the success stories, but this still raises serious doubts in my mind if other key assumptions spring from it.

    August 14, 2015

    Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful article, Mel !

    Love to you

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 26, 2015

      Hi Ina,

      so glad it resonated, and and much love to you too!

      Mel xo

      July 21, 2016

      It is so great that you have a friend you can talk about this stuff with 🙂 I still remember when my mom was going through meaoenusp, my older sister was pregnant, and I was going through puberty. Those were fun times, lol.

      October 11, 2016

      Béné : ma Béné, dans mes bras…Mimi : Je reviens mais en douceur. La vraie rentrée c'est lundi prochain !!!Bara : Le bol ce filleul… Pourri, gâté que des diet y va pas connaître lui !!

      November 25, 2016

      The ability to think like that shows you’re an expert

    Guðmundur Ás Magnússon
    August 20, 2015

    Great article! Oh my God!

    August 28, 2015

    Melanie I did the steps you propose in the exercise and I hardly believe what happened! When I started tears were running out of my eyes effortlessly and constantly till I was able to spot the event responsible for the huge would inside of me. This wound is responsible for not healing from a Narc partner abuse. I can tell you this. I feel reieved, so relieved. So relived. I know I am not over yet, but the day after that exercise was a new day after 2! years of same days.
    I thank you for that.

    October 24, 2015

    Hi, I have done Module 1 of the training for each of the past couple days. Do you have any suggestions for how to relate to dissociation if it comes up while doing the Module? I connect to my feelings as much as possible, but can feel distant at times. By the second hour, I’m pretty zoned out (maybe it is fatigue at that point). Should I just push through, accept the level of connection I currently have and expect the connection to grow, or should I try to address it directly somehow?


    December 23, 2015

    Awesome information, you are the Einstein of psychological healing. Wow, there are no more why questions for me. Peace of mind is wonderful.

    May 31, 2016


    Thank you so much for teaching this (very simple!) technique. I’m amazed at how quickly it works and how effective it is!

    I didn’t expect it to be so easy. But I understand it’s got to do with, acknowledgement & acceptance of anything we might be feeling (even if the reason for it is unclear or unapparent).

    Heck I just applied this technique for something I was feeling out of blue. And I tried my best not to judge or ignore it, but instead acknowledge it’s existence and accept it for what it is, without trying to understand it, and simply feeling my way through it.

    I didn’t think, it would be possible to locate the discomfort inside my body, but it actually worked – *gasp*!

    Thank you so much for all that you do.

    I believe it worked so well, because I’ve already done the ground work and have already experienced a shift in consciousness. The picture on the website of the woman in shackles, who lifts her arms, as if the truth had set her free, is representative of how I felt the moment my consciousness shifted on a deeper level :).

    The most difficult emotion to dismantle, will be anxiety (for me personally). But I’m determined to dilligently work on it!

    Thanks again!

    July 6, 2016

    I read somewhere among your many articles, about Muscle testing. I am re-scrolling through, trying to find “How to Muscle Test” .
    Curios what my inner beliefs are. Im lost. Can you give me the link for that ?


    May 12, 2017

    I have been in and out of therapy for months, to no prevail. No matter how much I work, or try to make things better, they always seem to get worse. My therapist doesn’t really seem to understand what i’m going through, emotionally, right now, and it is discouraging. I know that my relationship, of five years, is a disaster, but i can’t seem to pull myself out of it for me or my two children. I first discovered co-dependency when researching possible solutions. My heart dropped when, months later, i stumbled upon narcissistic relationships, and i knew that my partner is a covert narcissist. I’m ready to get out of this, and your concept is the most sense I’ve heard so far. I feel so disconnected-from myself, from my children, from life itself, and i can’t explain it in words. I can’t put this pain into words. This all seems so simple, but I don’t feel like i’m strong enough to do this on my own.

    I am going to start with this exercise, but will i know where to go from there, or am I just going to get pulled back into it like i always do?

    Michelle Denny
    October 27, 2017

    Wow !!!.You have surpassed yourself .When are you going to write Your book ? (proper book made of paper !!!! ) or have you already done this and I’ve missed it ? Your personal epiphany is leading to so many other people’s too.You have helped me immensely.Thank you.x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 27, 2017

      Hi Michelle,

      the book is coming very soon.

      Exciting times!

      Thank you for your lovely comment!

      Mel xo

    Ian Putland
    December 18, 2017

    I’m not even sure how I came across this article. But I am ever so glad that I did. This is possibly one of the best articles I have ever read in my entire life! As somebody who has been through a lot of emotional turmoil (starting from childhood trauma) I have been frantically looking for solutions for the best part of two decades. But this article seems to ‘tie up’ everything that I have been doing wrong. It makes total sense.

    Thank you so much Melanie. You have given me a ‘sense of hope’ that it’s possible to recover and I will be trying all of the techniques that you mention.

    Warmest Regards,


    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 18, 2017

      Hi Ian,

      I am so pleased that this information has helped you!

      Bless 🙂

      Mel xo

    October 2, 2019

    I was definitely a witch in my previous life. I want to come back home to that. Ever since I was little I loved nature fairies elves and magic. I’ve had an awareness of law of attraction since I was 4. I seem to have the ability to heal myself my one therapist who turned out to be very toxic taught me the importance of emotion I have been a love addict codependent most of my life. At one of my 12 step addiction meetings for cedependence somebody mentioned that they fill them up with themselves. So I started doing that and going within and doing inner child work and self soothing. I realized that i can change my thoughts and not my feelings so i would self sooth myself and allow myself to feel. I found an inner peace and actually changed my whole life. But I still attracted a toxic partner and could not leave. 10 years later after finally leaving I discovered your programme which screams at me cos you spoke of everything I believe in. I was looking to rewire my brain and body so aware of my shortcomings and negative belief systems but had no clue how to release them as they were driving my life. Now I can take the inner child work to a deeper level and target specific traumas. I can already see amazing breakthroughs that I couldnt have done without narp. In fact had I not been doing narp my ex and I would be back together. As I would never have been able to say no to him. I have also started doing tantra on myself naturally without anybody showing me what to do. I do believe we are designed to heal ourselves.

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