Were You Raised By A Narcissistic Parent?

Having a narcissist as a parent can be deeply heartbreaking because of their cruel actions and how devastated they make you feel.

They can be invalidating.

They can make you feel unimportant, unworthy, and unintelligent.

They lie to you without remorse to further their own agenda.

And as you grow older no matter what you do, you feel that you’re not good enough.

Your self-esteem and self-worth never recover.

Unless … you recognize that validation, safety, support, and honesty come from somewhere else.

Today’s video is for anyone who thinks they were raised by a narcissist and anyone who is co-parenting or parallel parenting with a narcissist. It’s also very relevant to grandparents and relatives caught up in the drama of having narcissists wreaking havoc in their families.

My checkpoints will grant you the much-needed answers and validation you may be searching for to overcome these painful situations and start creating a much better life and relationships for yourself and within your family.

 

 

Video Transcript

Today, I want to grant you some checkpoints to understand whether or not you’ve been raised by a narcissistic parent. Maybe you know you have, and this video is going to help grant you validation of that. Maybe you are not sure if this is the case, and you’re going to receive some much needed answers in this video today.

Whether or not you’re questioning the way you were parented or you want some guidance to healthy parenting yourself, I really hope that this video is helpful and healing for you. Please stay with me to the end of this, because I want to grant you some critically important steps that are going to help you to get on the road to overcoming these painful situations and to start creating a much better life and relationships for yourself. Let’s have a look at these points.

 

Checkpoint Number 1 – Receiving Invalidation

If you were invalidated by being made to feel unimportant, unworthy, unintelligent, not good enough and the like, and you haven’t healed this up yet, then you’re not going to feel like a whole Source to yourself within.

These wounds, they happen to you as a child by not allowing you to have your own voice and your choices, by being told that you were wrong or stupid, or you were made to feel irrelevant and invisible. If you tried to assert your own needs, wishes, feelings, and directions, you may have been squashed, or even abused or pushed away.

So how has this affected you? It means that your self-esteem and your self-worth will feel emotionally low, regardless of how capable you are in real life. In relationships, you might feel like you’re struggling to connect to others healthily, and you may have adult relationships with people who still make you feel unimportant, unworthy, and not good enough.

Maybe you don’t know what it’s like to be in a relationship with somebody who does durably and genuinely know your worth, and treats you accordingly. Possibly, you feel like you are often devastated by other people’s behaviour, and you’re trying to lecture and prescribe to people to try to get them to treat you better. Or conversely, you’re trying to please them so that they treat you better, but they don’t.

Maybe you struggle to identify your values, choices, and preferences, and stand true to them, or ask for your needs to be met. You may discover that when you’re not in a relationship that you try to avoid the pain of not having healthy, whole, trustworthy, and loving relationships with others by immersing yourself in work, or connecting to animals, or other pastimes that feel safer and more solid for you. Or perhaps you accept low-quality relationships just to try to escape the loneliness.

 

Checkpoint Number 2 – Being Around Unsafe “Energy”

If you had an unstable parent who was hot one moment and cold the next, angry and then nice, or irrational and then normal, then you didn’t know what safety and consistency was. It could have been very hard for you to know how and who you needed to be in relation to the treatment, attention, and even punishments that you received.

In relationships, rather than to be able to anchor into your own worth and your values and your needs healthily, and lay appropriate boundaries, you won’t be in contact with yourself, but rather you’re going to be trying to read the room. You’re going to be trying to feel what’s going on with other people rather than yourself, in order to present yourself in a way, trying to be safe around others rather than powerfully being free to be yourself, regardless of what others are being and doing.

What this means is you’re outside of yourself, and it means other people can’t see you, because you’re twisting yourself into a particular shape in order to try to please them or be loved by them, or avoid their rejection or their abuse.

You may be able to have many superficial relationships, yet with the closest, deepest, intimate relationships in your life, you’re going to probably feel like you’re the one doing the heavy lifting. That this person is not there for you, that you’re easily dismissed and looked over, or even taken advantage of or abused.

You may be much more comfortable with giving your energy rather than receiving, because this feels safer and easier to control for you. Even though you really crave another’s energy and connection, you may be scared of it being fully committed and present, because if people really connect with you, they could turn on you. They could become unpredictable, and you could again be and feel deeply unsafe.

You may be shocked that when somebody hurts you, that you keep going back to them. You try to fix things, rather than pulling away to healthily look after yourself.

 

Checkpoint Number 3 – Denied Comfort And Emotional Support

When you felt like you were emotionally hurting, you might have reached out for understanding, comfort, and solutions from your loved ones, only to come up empty. Maybe they were too busy or self-absorbed to be emotionally present for you. Possibly, they didn’t have either the resources or the desire to be present for you in times of emotional need.

Perhaps things were so bad for you that when you were upset, you received the cruel messages such as, “If you cry, I’m going to really give you something to cry about.” Many of our parents were also brought up with this tough love paradigm, and their intentions were about making us equipped to deal with our lives, yet the damage of this was really pretty immense.

If we didn’t receive soothing from others so that we could heal our fears and our insecurities up to conclusion and feel safe, resolved, and empowered within after working through a trauma appropriately, we actually started splitting and disassociating from ourselves, because it became too painful to reside within ourselves in these unresolved traumas.

We might start to overcompensate by being obsessive compulsive with actions outside of ourselves, in an attempt to try to numb out our unhealed, unmet traumas within, such as overeating, drinking, taking drugs, shopping, porn, excessive social media, being a sex addict, and not wanting to be alone and without a partner.

Or it could have been workaholism, and overachieving may be a way that you’ve tried to numb out to avoid that inner unresolved pain. We also may detach from close, true relationships. We find it hard to receive and ask for help. We find it hard to delegate and allow others to step in to support us, because the belief is, “I can’t rely on others. I’m all on my own. Nobody cares about me, and I have to look after everything and do it myself, because nobody is coming.”

Even though you may crave deep, personal, supportive, loving relationships because you didn’t have them, you may be terrified and not know what to do with it if it did turn up. Of course, this is the fear of being let down by other people again if they get too close.

Or maybe you cling to others, especially those who initially seem to grant you empathy and connection and kindness that you didn’t receive – the care that you crave. Yet, they ended up being an abusive person all over again.

 

Checkpoint Number 4 – Being Lied To

As a young open child accepting all data and all information as true, we look to our caregivers to establish our reality of life. Narcissistic parents lie. They say what people want to hear in order to make their own agenda possible, including their children. So the lying could be something like this, as an example, “I will take you to your sports activity,” and then something crops up that is more important to the narcissist than your sports activity, so this person lets you down all over again. These are false promises.

Through this lie, you learn that random things that crop up are much more important than you are. Even worse is the lie of, “Well, I’m not going to take you to do this. I’m not going to honour you or look after you in this thing, or give you this attention, because what I want to do is much more important than me putting myself out for you.”

As a result of that lie … because that’s not the truth … you are important. It’s a lie that you’re not. However, you’ve learned that it’s selfish for you to expect your caregiver to make you a priority.

Then there’s the worst lie of all, “I love you,” and the grandstanding of telling you what a great parent they are and how grateful you should be to them when you’re receiving behaviour that is anything but truthful and loving. Because by being lied to in this way, you really have accumulated the inner beliefs that love equals lies, pain, and trauma.

As a result of being lied to in your relationships going forward, you’re going to tend to believe words instead of actions. You’ll be drawn to people in your future who are also self-absorbed and lie to you, and you’re going to struggle hugely to trust your own gut, lay boundaries, seek and generate truth, and walk away powerfully from the people who don’t have the capacity or the desire to be genuinely loving and honest. Also, you may continually forgive unforgivable behaviour, because you want these people to change rather than being able to honour yourself.

 

The Healing Solutions

Let’s have a look at the healing solutions and how all of this can be reversed and healed.

We can’t change what our parents did. We also can’t make them realize what they did and apologize, and all of a sudden become responsible and conscious people, because they may not be those people or have that capacity.

As children, we were powerless to change the programming and heal from it, but as adults, we are not powerless. And what I adore and love about the Thriver way to heal is that we don’t have to stress about, “But I never have known validation, safe energy, support and honesty. How could I recognize it if it’s never been modelled to me?”

We don’t have to worry about that question anymore, because I want you to know with all of my heart, the deep, true essence of you, the part that is part of Source, your Higher Self, the God Source Creation part of you already is what you seek. You organically are and do recognize validation, safety, support, and honesty, because that is what True Source is. And it is what your super conscious already is, your highest self, whatever that understanding is to you.

The issues have been that we’ve been deprogrammed from our True Essence as a result of being traumatized by others who were also infiltrated and hurt by others who were also disconnected from their True Essence.

The real truth is that you don’t need to learn how to be, recognize, and generate healthy, solid, whole relationships. This is who you already are in your relationship with True Source God, Life Force Creation, again, whatever your understanding of a higher power is.

It’s just that the programming of the traumas is separating you from this knowing, Beingness, and personal power. None of us are here to learn how to be our Beingness. We’re here to unlearn the traumas that have separated us from our Beingness.

I want you to know with all of my heart that we have so many people within this community who have only ever known narcissistic abuse. They were born into a family of narcissists, and they suffered all of these checkpoints and more. And totally understandably, this has caused struggle in their adult relationships, often despite years of therapy and trying to detangle from their wounds and go forward healthily.

Yet, the issue with this is whilst the trauma stays internally stuck in there, trying to get out of it is akin to trying to drive a shiny new car into a garage where the rusty old wreck is blocking the path. We also say it’s like trying to put ice cream on top of poop. It doesn’t work.

The trauma and the painful beliefs need to be released. Then this space, where they were, is replaced with True Source, which is your Higher Self. To shift out of who you were being into the Being who you organically are, that’s what remembering means.

Then when you change on the inside, you get better, you choose better, and you do better. Then it becomes easy to add onto this with more knowledge and action steps to change your life beyond description by knowing your values and your truths, and having those limits and knowing how to set boundaries, and choose and generate healthy relationships.

 

In Conclusion

I would love you to come into my free webinar if any of this is making sense to you. If you’re relating to these four points, any of them or all of them, come learn more about how this works, this remembering back to yourself, so you can experience my deep inner-healing method, Quanta Freedom Healing. It creates shifts in record time on the inside, where literally a half hour of inner work can relate to decades’ worth of therapy. I’m not exaggerating, you need to experience this for yourself to start understanding how it works. So come into my free webinar to do this, and go through a healing.

If you are ready to reprogram yourself and break free from your childhood wounds to be able to create and live in the truth of being validated, safe, supported, and granted integrity, then I can’t recommend my healing program NARP, the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program, enough as the fastest, most direct path that I humbly know of, of how to achieve this.

So have a look, all the links are in the description. I hope that this has made sense to you, and it’s validated what’s happened and how you felt, and I really want you to know that it doesn’t have to be like this for the rest of your life. It really doesn’t.