We know that Halloween is a spooky time. It’s a time of ghouls, witches and demons. We know what real life demons are – narcissists. They are people we can’t talk sense to, durably make peace and genuine love with, and usually can’t retain our sanity whilst trying to.
I truly do believe that within the darkness, we can mine our greatest light, and rise above the energy of a narcissist and narcissistic abuse, and today I want to help you spin the tables.
Okay how can YOU be the person who the narcissist runs away from and leaves alone?
Light Repels The Darkness
We think that narcissists take our light, but I promise you that this is a tiny piece of the picture. Yes, narcissists do take advantage of our good nature, especially when we hand our light away to try to gain love, approval and our security and survival from this person.
Yet, what happens if we are standing in our own power and light, as a direct connection with our truth, love for self, security within our own identity and personal choices regardless of what the narcissist tries to do to derail us?
The truth is when the narcissist’s opinion of you and what they offer, threaten or attempt to manipulate has no bearing on your “light”, it completely and utterly derails THEM.
Rather than getting the ammunition to keep coming at you (your triggers and attention), the narcissist comes face to face with their biggest fear of, “I am totally insignificant.”
This is where it comes crashing down for the narcissist, they ask themselves … How can I see my superiority without the inferiority of another? How can I stand in my power trip, without tripping someone else into their powerlessness?
Dark Souls feed off another’s fear and pain. Without it the narcissist is alone with their own fear and pain. They sink into their deep inner depths, without the ability to “split” and attack their disordered self by projecting it outside of themselves.
The Most Effective Path Is The Most Counterintuitive One
I get it that when a narcissist abuses you that you want to fight back.
I was the same.
However, this brings you down into the scrap heap with them – into their insane world of disorder, disfunction and utter and complete madness. Before you know it, you are tangled up in the word salad, expressing your pain, frustration, heartbreak, anger and pain and then opening yourself up to the cruel ridicule of how you are affected.
This grants the narcissist the scapegoat … allowing them to blame you for it all, making you the disordered one in order to absolve themselves of any self-responsibility or reform. This is the delusion of, “I am omnipotent and above reproach. It’s me who is the victim, and you are the person who is the problem!”
The harder you go in, the more you get tangled up in this sticky toxic web, and the narcissist feeds off their own imagined vindication whilst you fall deeper and deeper into the abyss of complete and utter invalidated atrocious abuse.
How do you get back on top of this dark battle? By steering the fight in a different direction. Rather than try to rebuke the narcissist’s twisted reality, simply state and BE the truth of your own.
Let me give you some examples.
The narcissist calls you terrible names or makes horrible accusations about you.
Your old response: “How dare you say that. That’s not true!” (Then you launch into fighting back …)
The narcissist’s energised energy: “Great you are hooked in, now I can really go to town on you!”
Now let’s look at the Thriver Way …
Your new response: “I know who I am, thanks. I’m not interested in your opinion.” (Then getting on with who you are with no further comment.)
Narcissist’s response: “ …….. …….. …….. ummmm … ahhhh ….. ….. “
The narcissist is stumped. He or she counted on you hooking in and taking umbrage about the comment. They needed your REACTION to what was said.
The narcissist may gather their wits, and try another tactical approach to derail you.
If you ignore and say nothing, they will try to accuse you of silence, non-communication or the like.
You may reinforce your stand (just in case they missed it the first time) with, “I have no need to talk to you. I know who I am.”
Now here is the thing, your energetic response is the powerful key. If you try to say these words when heavily triggered and traumatised, it won’t work.
Can you imagine how powerfully it will land, if you were calm, controlled and say it like you know and believe it in every fibre of your Being that it JUST is?
I really want you to imagine this new paradigm …
Now, let’s look at what might not be allowing you to do this.
Cleaning Up Your Triggers
The powerful way that you take all power away from the narcissist is by cleaning up the internal triggers that the narcissist has been targeting to derail you to get you to hand your power over.
It’s a tactic they use.
It’s not even personal.
The things that the narcissist says and does are pretty meaningless other than to get a reaction from you to keep dumping their disordered self all over you. It’s also to keep you hooked and messing with you in order to feed their own significance with power and any and all resources and Life Force they can drain out of you.
Sad but true.
For us, looking at it all from the lens of humanity it seems heartless, cruel, unjust and very hurtful. We want people to love us, be kind, believe in and validate us. Narcissists have neither the capacity nor desire for any of this.
They don’t know what kindness, care and validation is for themselves let alone others. It’s all about narcissistic supply, no more and no less.
You will never turn the narcissist into agreeing with you and durably coming together with you into teamwork and solution building into growth and love. In the narcissist’s painful world of divide, control and conquer, this is literally nauseating and terrifying.
To stand over you and control you, the narcissist needs to divide you from yourself.
You can’t have union with a narcissist but you can have it with yourself.
And THAT is your greatest super power.
How do you do that for real?
Inner work.
Let’s look at an example …
Narcissist’s nasty words: “You don’t care about anyone but yourself.”
Your old reaction: “That’s so not true …” (Then all of your rebuttal trying to let the narcissist to know what a good person you are.)
How does this change after the Thriver Inner Work?
Your new thoughts to yourself: “That doesn’t trigger me anymore. I healed up that internal trauma. You have used it for ages on me, but it no longer works. Since I was little, I was told by my mother how selfish I was for wanting my own choices and life. You were replaying what already hurt. You worked that out, because it used to get a reaction from me. No more! I healed it! YAY!”
Can you imagine how good you will feel?
Can you feel the power and freedom you will have when you no longer need any understanding, solidness, care, validation or kindness from the narcissist because you have become a Source of that to yourself?
You may think that the narcissist will attack you for not getting their own way, yet a startling thing happens when you stand in your truth, became anti-fear, anti-trigger and, “I don’t need anything from you, the narcissist, anymore.”
Without your fear and pain, the narcissist comes face to face with the truth, “I am a no-self, needing other people’s attention to sustain myself.”
Without your feed, the narcissist is left face to face with the empty void of no-self. They have to run. They have to get away.
Think about the little man or woman when the curtain gets pulled back.
Think of the emperor or empress with no clothes.
Think of a bright light shining on a vampire.
In Conclusion
I’m so excited and happy to let you know you are more powerful than you could ever imagine. I know a narcissist can make you feel powerless and helpless. But let’s understand again, where we first started, that within the darkness is your greatest power and light.
The Self you were born to be when you healed from the fears and pains that are not allowing you to stand in your True Essence. To be the person you are without the wounds and traumas that have been causing others to mine you and take away your power.
I wish you a happy Halloween and like the lantern in a pumpkin, no matter how bad your experience has been, I know you have it, deep within, to heal, rise, shine, repel the darkness and be free to live …
Truly live.
With the narcissist becoming Not … Your … Reality.
And dissolving out of your experience, like a vampire sliding back into the shadows away from Your Light.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this article!
Have you already become a bright light that repels narcissists? Have you been able to take your power back? Has the narcissist become powerless to affect you? Are you energetically free?
If not – would you love to be?
If so, I would love to show you exactly how this inner work is done. Please join me in my free webinar which explains it all.
I really needed to hear this, my children’s mother put me through a section 15 report that traumatized me and changed my life ! I’m in a better place and the healing I received in the suffering was necessary for my overall mental health ! I realized now there was a silver lining in this narcissistic hurricane 🌀 thank you so very much Malenie for your similar experience and knowing that I God has blessed you to us our pain to help others. God bless you and your family kindest regards Hohepa Tohovaka
I am thrilled for you that you have taken the positive healing from this Hohepa,
Love and blessings to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thank you so much for all your posts I have been a fantastic help my narcissist relationship absolutely destroyed me and left me feeling empty and totally lost I didn’t know who I was anymore. Monday he rang me going on and on about how hard it was to get hold of me blah blah blah. My response was if you are going to call me just to have a go at me please don’t bother. He absolutely hated my response and the next day he dumped me saying he wanted so much more out of his life than he was getting from me . It’s been 10 months now and I am still trying to work through the abuse I have suffered from him and the control over the last 10 years thank you so much for your help
Thanku so much for helping us millions. From 2013 iv been with this horrible person (a relative who stays with us) I have no words to express how much expectations I had for them to change. I always thought this person will see my light one day and realize I am good person. But no. It dint happen. Living with their constant control I became highly emotional. I am now too. I just need to learn to stay calm. And detach myself from this over the top nasty personality. And finally I am truly seeing the light and right advice after 8 years of living with them . I never knew other ppl like them existed. Unfortunately this person has made me feel alone by doing devide and conquer. There are others who agree with her nonsense becoz of this. I can’t thanku enough 😭
Thanks for this article, I’m beginning to believe I’m the narcissist, I’m accused of it all the time. Example I went food shopping yesterday’s after having a lovely week with my partner. Because it had taken me two hours, which actually was, only an hour and a half. I got back to an inquisition, where have you been, who have you been with, your seeing someone aren’t you etc. Why I was so long I don’t know, maybe I was just relishing in the freedom of being alone, with my thoughts and self, I wasn’t having an affair or seeing anyone, infact I’m beginning to dislike being around anyone, as I feel inferior. I’m accused if being miserable, unhappy, not empathic, unloving, uncaring and in truth I probably am, as I just feel so empty and worthless, I’m not allowed to express myself, as I’m talked over, I’m told what I really mean, I don’t have a mind, a view or an opinion, I’m accused daily of being a narcissist, I no longer respond, I go silent, my head spins and I just wish he would shut up when he verbally attacks me, not because I don’t have nothing to say, but what’s the point, he knows best, I do get up and leave and walk away without resolving things as when I’ve tried in the past, I lose my temper when I’m spoken over, told what I think, when im not heard, accused of all sorts of things I’ve not done nor never would, everything I do say is twisted and thrown back at me. I feel so guilty and ashamed that I can’t reason or remain calm and deal with this situation, when I listen to the traits if a narc, I can relate to the silent treatments the discarding because that’s the only way I can deal with him, is to remain silent and walk away, to make the confusion in my head and the madness of it all just stop. Am I the narc and not him???
@Cathy. That you for your post. It matches my experience closely. Always being put down always getting the “word salad” to confuse and keep you off balance when you do try to talk to them. During those times you get angry about the word salad or silent treatment you then become a person who needs anger management. I hope you can get to a better place.
Fuck no you’re not!!! We end up giving reactive abuse to them, in order to survive in the hell they create. They project their stuff onto us. Everything they say about you is about themselves. Study this disorder and learn to disconnect from it so you can see it clearly. Study this more and as much as possible, the sooner you exit the situation the sooner you’ll have your peace again. But you must heal like she talks about or you’ll keep attracting these demons. Love and light to you.
No you are not the Narc, if you have to ask. A narc would never ask that question, I think we all have traits of narcissism but again if you have to ask then heck no you are not.
You are not the narc. I understand how you feel❤❤❤❤❤ You will heal completely and come back stronger and happier than ever🌞❤🌅🙏🏆🥰🥰🥰🏝🎇🦜🏕🏞🐦🐥🦆🕊💯☀️☀️🌠🎆✨🎇🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞⚘⚘⚘⚘🏝🏝🏝 Melanie is fantastic🙏🙏🙏 Folkow, read and listen to her 🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞 Lots and lots of love from Stockholm 🇸🇪 You will soon meet the big real love❤❤❤❤❤ We are many many many on your side🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞
This reoly was for Cathy🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞 the one just before of course🙂
Reply….. wordprogram… .spelling…… big fingers… small buttoms……how xan I turn that off?🤔
😁 Happens to me all the time! No worries, we knew what you meant. ☺
You’re not a narc but an inferiority complex will be a match for someone with a superiority one.
Stop blaming and take responsiblity for your life and experience. Not his, put the focus on you.
Do your inner work like Melanie suggests. Go within. He’s just showing you the map of where to heal.
The pattern will repeat with a new partner/external relationship until the lesson is acknowledged and learned from. Good luck.
Hi Cathy,
please know that everything you have shared here, allows me to beleive that 100% you are not the narc.
My suggestion to help get clear is to google my name plus “am I the narcissist?” as I have some resources which will grant you further clarity.
Also I highly suggest my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to help you get your soul and sanity back
Mel 🙏💞🦋
You are NOT a narcissist! You are the victim of one!! I was married to one for a lot of years and the best thing I did for my self was to divorce him. it was very tough and i was left with incredibly low self esteem believing i was the problem. I was also left wiht tow young children and no money…
You are only the problem if you allow yourself to continue being involved with adn a bused by this person who can only function by making the other (in this case you) feel small.
YOu can and need to be the change and that starts with you realising your own power and beauty!
I can say that I now have my dream life and my children have grown up and are very wonderful people. I still have tendency to people pllease and get attracted to unhealthy people but I find there is so much information and support out there if you go looking. This Thriver programme seems very good too.
Best wishes and hope for you
Sandra xxx
When being accused of being the Narcissist……I would simply say, “You seem to know a lot about being a Narcissist” and then just walk away. That’s it – nothing else needs to be said. You have then changed the topic from yourself – onto the real sicko. Keep it simple because that statement frees you, stuns them, and they get no supply they were so excited to get.
Beautiful beautiful lady
Please hear my words ……You are not the narcissist. You are the prey.
I was also the prey believing I was the narcissist You can mot be a narcissist if you think you might be one. A narcissist thinks there is nothing wrong with them.
Follow NARP and you will feel better, I promise. Do it two or three times a day.
Hi, I am also called a narc when I am certain he is… The last counsellor I saw also identified this but standard.. It was because of the way I told it. Keep strong xx
Cathy, you are NOT the narcissist, even though the N would love you to believe so! This all hits so close to home for me. I was raised by an N parent, went on to marry a N (and had a lonely, miserable, long term marriage), and now have another N within the family engaging in this. My parents are now deceased, I kicked the exN out years ago, and I am treating the remaining N as Melanie describes. While it did take me a while to get to the point where the N’s behaviour no longer triggers me (mostly because I had no idea what I was dealing with, nor the best ways to deal with them and protect and heal myself), I can say, that this absolutley works! This present N has seemingly now taken the focus off of me, and has moved on to other people. While I hate that others are suffering at the N’s hand, there is vindication and validation that others can now see what the N is about, and I’m NOT crazy, as the N tried to make others believe! This is so freeing! Thank you Melanie!
Cathy, run don’t walk away from this monster! You are not the problem, it is him. He trying to make u crazy.
Thank you all for your support your comments have been taken on board, and are very much appreciated
We all thought we were the narcissist at the beginning of early awareness and then beginning as we researched and realized WTF!?!?! most days as we couldn’t believe this is happening and I ended up with this person WTF!?!?!? Listen to Melanie. Strongly consider doing NARP course asap. It’s going to hurt worse later if you don’t. 2 yrs later after discard Im still wanting my family back together often mostly from my religious cult upbringing. Don’t suffer like I have Cathy.
I think questioning your self is a good sign. Seems like a true narc is incapable of even suspecting they are the narc.
You are definitely not the narcissist!!!! And he most definitely is!!! The reason you are questioning is because of the silent treatment and walking away but that is self preservation not a real desire to play his game because you gain so much energy and supply from it. Bottom line, if all you want is a loving peaceful mutually respectful relationship with this guy then I guarantee 100% you are not the narc here!!!!!!
I guess even I feel the same way. I wonder if I v also become a narcissist. Actually living with them makes us feel soo low that we constantly feel the need to tell others by our behavior that we are high. That makes us also narcissist
I’d love to see what Melanie has to say on this.
A Narc would never ever everrr ask if they are a Narc. A Narc would never show the level of anguish or anxiety you’ve expressed in your post. They simply don’t care. You seem to care, therefore, I truly don’t think you’re a Narc. You obviously care because you’re here trying to get answers and trying to connect with others. The sad truth, I believe, is that you’ve believed his PROJECTIONS, probably projections that reflect the person HE is. Your biggest red flag is being accused of things you are definitely NOT doing. He’s probably the one doing those things. It’s one of the most classic Narc patterns. To me, based solely on your account, it sounds like you’re emotionally burnt out and numb. It sounds like a defense mechanism to a lot of emotional and psychological abuse. For the longest time I was skeptical of Melanie’s program, but my instinct for survival won and forced me to try her program (2013). It works. It took me a while to get disciplined about it but when I did, it worked. I forgot about it once I felt back to “normal” but life has a way of reminding us that this work needs to be a constant, frequent, life-long endeavor. So here I am, returning to Melanies program even though I’m no longer in a relationship with a Narc. I’ve been truly Narc free sense 2014. Get out, find yourself, it’s possible and the best thing ever! My very best wishes to you.
I meant God not I God ! Sorry for the lack of proof reading before posting kindest regards Hohepa Tohovaka
Thank you so much Melanie for all the work you tirelessly put out to heal so many people.
In my opinion, you are doing the most powerful healing work on the planet today.
We’re in a total narcissistic takeover globally -complete with gaslighting, invalidation, uber controlling, nonsensical communications, put downs, and grandstanding etc etc – and we the unsuspecting people have to learn to be filled with OUR Truth to stay unaffected.
NARP teaches victims how to regain their connection to inner Truth and remain in that light.
That position keeps one unaffected by narcissism and its abuse.
Your work is more needed than ever. May God continue to richly bless your dedication and gifts.
Hi Iris,
please know how welcome you are sweetheart!
If I could I would teleport to Florida from Melbourne right now!
I agree … this work is needed now more than ever.
Much love to you my soul sister
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Beautifully written Iris! I couldn’t agree more!
Yes, God Bless You Melanie 🤗💕
I needed this. I have spent 35 years with a narcissist and finally left a month ago. I’ve had to block him from my phone because he continues to call me names through text. He bought another phone so he could text me more. I blocked that phone. I was the person always trying to defend myself. Thanks to this article I now no how to respond. Thank you so much for all your videos and articles. I was so lost and devastated until I started listening to you and reading all your articles. God bless you
Good for you, Anna! Such brave work taking your light, energy and life back 🙂
Please know how welcome you are Anna.
I’m so happy that I could help
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Way to go Anna.
I feel I may have made my narc finally leave me alone. ( after 3.5 years)
See he was messaging me about every Friday sometimes Saturday night when he was drunk and alone. About a month ago silly me responded and asked why he can’t just leave me alone. His response was ” sorry I had a weak moment ” my reply was : ken I don’t have weak Ken moments I don’t think about you anymore. I’m moving on with my life and your not a part of it and won’t be ever again, so pls stop having weak moments about me and contacting me .
I haven’t heard from him in a month … maybe he has finally stopped ✋
Thank you so much, Melanie! I think your words are brilliant and amazing, hallowing our hearts, the night and the season like the bonfires my Celtic ancestors used to build on the mountain tops on Halloween (known as Samhain) to bless the entrance of winter – a time of fertile darkness, healing and reflection benefitting individuals as well as the community. May the seeds of wisdom you plant flourish all over the world!
Thank you Phoebe,
keep being the Light that you are!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Such an amazing article, Melanie 🙂 Love it and forwarded it to others 🙂 As usual, straight to the point and profound!
As a Somatic Healer, I help women clear the trauma from their bodies as a result of these toxic borderline/narcissistic relationships. I also love sending them to your videos and articles to support them on this journey of healing.
Thank you for your beautiful work in the world!
Thank YOU for your beautiful words Miriam!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Greetings ALL narc survivers.
You will get there!!,,,,, There is NO REASONING” with a narc…..so dont even TRY!!!
As a LOVING mother would do with her child ,” …Come to me I will look after you,protect you,encourage you ……….”.Love is parient ,Love is kind”
As Melanie says nuture yourselves…..COME INTO YOUR SELF,…YOU ARE LOVE AND LIGHT .( p.s……thats why the narc wants you,..GIVE THAT LOVE TO “YOUR” HEART )
YOU may go backwards somtimes,but you will get there, i just know you will,just be patient with yourself…BUT after a time of struggle….,you Will be the” Love “you desire and your LIGHT will truely shine out
You will be singing🎼🎼🎼🎼 This Little LIGHT OF MINE, I”M GOING TO LET IT SHINE🎼🎼🎼🎼🎼.
Thank you Melanie. I am out of a narcissistic relationship for 9 months now….with no contact. I am finding that light that I had not realized was so buried in such darkness, and I know that source/the universe/God/spirit guide has my back. I also know this is a lifelong process, because i am learning to grow again, and I am not stopping this time.
Hi Nancy,
please know how welcome you are – it’s so beautiful that you have chosen you!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
We got the hang with responding in this manner to my partners ex wife narc. The problem now is my partners young son has become her mouthpiece and has totally blindsided us with the accusations he has made against both my partner and myself. He uses her words and has told various authorities that my partner hit him, although his story changes daily. I should mention he previously told us that his mother and step father had been emotionally and physically violent towards him and there is a clear resemblance to the accusations his made towards us and the things he has said about them.
He’s refusing to speak to his father unless his mother is present. He has been told this isn’t a possible option and has been offered to have other people there instead which he refused. He’s now giving his dad an ultimatum to choose between him and me which is exactly what his mother did when we first met by not letting him see his children while we were in a relationship. Telling him that as long as me and him are together she will do everything in her power to stop him from seeing his children. How can you be non reactionary towards the narc when they have managed to get their own children to say whatever they tell them to?
Hi Sam,
the only way out of the AWFUL behavioural stuff you are suffering is for you to heal … THis may sound counterintuitive, but it’s not. Because you can then get solid and “Quantum” on the inside to be able to deal.
When you get a shift on the inside “the way” to deal with this (the solution) can appear on the outside (within your situation) and not before …
Such is the crazy energetic phenomenon known as N-abuse …
Otherwise, this hands the narcissist the exact bullets they want to keep shooting at you – it’s their entire ploy.
Please come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to understand more about this
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thank You, Melanie!!! It helped that I’ve always had a fire in my belly.
Now, I’m paying your help forward by helping many others in need.
Your name should be Angel.
It’s my pleasure Sola,
I’m so pleased that I can help and thank you for being an inspiration to others
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Now I’m out of the terribel relationsproblem with let’s call her H. I also had a similar girlfriend 2007-2011 and it almost breaked me to suicide many times, but of course I want to live🙂 I almost died februari 1 on the sea. Thank you so so very much Melanie my angel🙏🏆❤🏝🕊🦆🐥🐦🌞⚘🏞🏕🇸🇪🦜🌅🌅🌅🌅🌅🎇🎇🎇🌅🌅🌅🌅🌅 Now life starts again at 46 years. Wiping my tears again❤🌞🏝⚘🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞 Lots and lots and lots of love from Stockholm 🇸🇪🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🌅🌅🌅🌅🌅 God bless you❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
I’m so pleased Per that life has started again for you.
Many blessings to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thanks Mel, another fine article. Really needed this push as tensions rise and triggers are found in my InnerSelf. This is about me, all about me. My life, my healing, my happiness.
My Serenity, to be sure. Thanks again. The phrases “I know who I am, thanks. I’m not interested in your opinion.” and “I have no need to talk to you. I know who I am.” are completely appropriate and brilliant for these challenging situations. Sincerely thanks!!! Working my program!!!
Hi all,
it is the hardest thing I ever faced! My husband of 28 years now is battling me in divorce proceedings. He involves the children telling them lies. I now live in Germany and 2 of my four sons are staying with me, the other 2 are in Vancouver and Berlin. All of them tell me to not even think about him and leave him. If only I could! Every waking second I think about him, his lies and deceptions and I dissect every aspect of our past 27 years together and what was authentic.
He is now with a 20 year younger co-worker and I am full of jealously. He also saw prostitutes. Why am I still so hooked and of course I ask myself what is so bad about me that he told me 2 years ago that this woman is a better fit for him. I am suffering terrible fear of abandonment and think I am not good enough, but kept divorce proceedings up. It’s probably my unconscious acting. I did Melanies program and she is so right about looking at oneself, it is still hurting so much!!!! I wish something would take me away into a better world of peace and beauty and no ruminating thoughts!!!!
Hi Liane,
please know the NARP work is ongoing to address trauma, uplevel and get free from every thing N that you are trying to deal with.
NARP is not just “done” and then its over.
Sending you big hugs and healing and I’d love to encourage you to connect into the NARP Forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member so that incredible Thrivers who have been through this can help you with this time.
I hope that this helps
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Quit thinking he is someone he is not.
Trust your children’s reaction to the end of this nightmare if you can’t trust yourself.
Do Melanie’s program again.
Your jealous of the lie not the truth.
Beautifully written article. Thank you.
For anyone who doubts you have the strength – please believe my voice whilst yours is finding its way to your surface. You are strong beautiful and so lovingly powerful.
I have journey from a calm beautiful life to utter derailment ( in ever aspect of my life) in the space of one day. I am now still me but so vastly different, much more aware and hugely grateful for never giving up ( even on the days that seemed like the solution).
It’s taken almost five years, but every single day I listened to the feeling inside me that told me to keep putting one foot in front of the other ( even on the days getting out of bed was my biggest achievement)
I started very slowly at first doing yoga, practicing meditation ( to go within and reconnect to myself). I forced myself to be fully aware of what was right in front of me ( even using a pot of beans to centre myself as I told myself ‘ I am stirring bean right now’ ) …. I forced myself to be in the now. I started seeing the beauty in small things ( birds, trees, my pets eyes, soft clothes and sunshine) I slowly let my voice become louder than any voice out with myself. I drank warm water, I made myself eat, I wrote poems and did anything that made my heart sing ( even for only a few minutes to start with). I cut out toxic people, places and situations out of my life – walking away from many things I loved. It’s been the hardest battle I’ve ever face and It’s taken time, patience, dedication and an inner knowing that made no logical sense on some days …. But I am here now.
I am me again… a me that to others looks exactly the same… but a me I now love, I am proud of and I don’t have to excuse or defend to anyone. I am, have always been and will always be a powerful, loving and empathetic person…. My journey has taught me to be much wiser in who I choose to share this with.
I wish you love, strength and most of all inner peace on your journey and in the days it seems futile… just know… you’ve got this too and you are never alone. Xxx
Gaynor, I feel you have faced your darkest battle & endured. Step by step you fought your way out to feel that sunlight on your face. Well done ❤️ Your words resonated with me very much. I’m not complacent enough to feel I’m completely healed or impervious as yet, but I’m most definitely getting there. Loved reading your post, thank you
Hi,
I’m depressed because of narcissistic abuse from my parents and three siblings. I’m third child of my parents. I’m an extrovert because I feel comfortable around people although, I was shy most of my life due to childhood trauma. I was in Psychiatrist care facility for mental illness. My mother told me she went for abortion when she was pregnant with me because my father didn’t want me. I don’t know the exact reason for abortion because my younger brother was born after me but I never heard about his abortion. I was abused in school, workplace, university, home, and publicly. My father deliberately put me in dangerous situations where my mental health was at risk. I’m kept unemployed for 11 years by the government and forced to financially depend on my parents pension. I was never provided any kind of allowance for my mental health. I still depend on my parents. There wasn’t any kind of health care facility for my mental illness. I entirely depend on medication to keep me well. I fell in love many times but my parents and siblings were involved in damaging my relationship with people I loved. My parents hated my friends and people who loved me. They’ve isolated me from other people. They’re hoovering me everywhere.
i love it….what about the next poor victims. though….now that we are thrivers, how do we slay these things so that they don’t even look for food in other victims? because that is what they will do…..i want to stop them. they are like criminals.
Hi Kim,
like us there were unconscious wounds that the next “victim” can turn inwards to heal.
Personally, after healing and Thriving – I know how grateful I am for this extreme growth opportunity.
No matter how it seems, there truly is a higher soul purpose to this
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I am sad that you are In a dependant situation where you do not feel loved. Your parents seem to want you to be different to the person you are. However they are looking after you and that is a kind of love too. Love comes in many guises and we have to try to understand each other’s difficulties and appreciate the positive things. If you can focus on the things that are good in your precious life it will bring you increasing joy. Try not to waste your time on the bad stuff. It is not your fault that your parents resented your birth and I hope you will enjoy the friendship and the love of others.
So so true!
When you stand in your own truth and actually say to them “I do not fear you, I know the truth and you know very well that I do” they run.
Great article!! Would love to see more examples of how to respond so I’m not sounding like a broken record. Thank you for your amazing information!!
Thank you so much, rbis article is very helpful for me. I broke up 2 1/2 months ago and it’s been very hard for me to take back my power and clear my love addiction with this person. I am sailing into the sunset but keep looking back. The universe is giving me the nudge to move on. Thank you!
Ahhhh May Zing Mel #NARP
AMAZING !!!!
i am just one of life’s very naturally happy souls but without fail wherever i go in life somebody will attack that. iv spent a lifetime blaming me, for being “too much.”
Your article came into my email box , just as i was thinking about this and seeing with greater clarity that perhaps it was their issue and not mine. i absolutely get what you mean about the words arent any use unless behind them you know who you are. thanks so much for this !!
I was ‘taken to couples therapy’ twice by my ex for problems with my anger; both times, once the therapists understood what was going on, the spotlight switched to him and his passive aggression and other narc behaviours. Quite funny now, years later, but at the time i was just trying to be a good wife and mother, and found it hard to believe he took such pleasure in winding me up and getting me to lose my temper so he could be ‘the reasonable one’. He knew he could invariably get a response if he did something to our daughter as i would always rise to protect her. So happy to be out of that now, and thanks to Melanie and the NARP programme am working away at clearing out all the past traumas – its working!
Thanks, too, to Iris for highlighting in her comments above the wider narcissistic culture we are living in and, with COP26 just down the road from me, how we, the people, can stand up for ourselves and the health of the planet against selfish people who only care about profitting for themselves (sounds familiar, right?!).
Mel is right: we have chosen to be born in these challenging times, nature needs us to stand up against this sense of entitlement which is a ‘rape’ of the planet. With everyone offering what we can, we will be able, all together, to make a huge difference. Sending you all light and love on your healing journeys – may the good guys win 🙂
This is a fantastic article. Full of positivity.
So true….. They literally will RUN when you actually Don’t care, Don’t respond, and Don’t engage any more with them. As Difficult as this is, you have to try to do that. If they see you being successful and happy in your Own life, they move on eventually. This is difficult to do and to move on to….but as I always say, you “Fake it til you make it”! It works, But, I do have to say, it IS hard to see Them move on….it does haunt me and sometimes still wish it was Me….although I don’t know Why i would think that way, as I know that I am Way better off now….but it still hurts. I hope to get past that hump soon.
Thanks Melanie for all that you do!
Great article. I would add that the narcissist who abandons a victim is like a driver who doesn’t see the car behind them in their rear view mirror because the victim is nothing to them. To be healed the victim needs to get to the point that they are the driver in the car and the narcissist’s car is invisible/nothing to them. If the victim can get to the point where he/she realizes the other person really isn’t there then the narcissist has no power to trigger trauma in the “former”victim.
I agree with Lucy – it is SO helpful to have the actual words to use. I have done some NARP, and yet still moved on to a covert narcissist (which at least was easier to get out of having gone through an overt narcissist). Although this has been very healing in terms of getting to the bottom of my own trauma, sharing this sentence was really helpful and I would love more examples like this: ““That doesn’t trigger me anymore. I healed up that internal trauma. You have used it for ages on me, but it no longer works. Since I was little, I was told by my mother how selfish I was for wanting my own choices and life. You were replaying what already hurt. You worked that out, because it used to get a reaction from me. No more! I healed it! YAY!”
When I apply this to my own situation, it really helps to have the words to trigger some better ‘reactions’ (good reactions ;). Thank-you for another life-changing article. It am so grateful for the hard work and effort you put into helping countless people like me.
You are one of the few individuals who have an actually accurate description of narcissism, down to the nuances, as well as methods that are GENUINELY helpful as opposed to surface-level or unrealistic. I wasn’t introduced to this model of healing before you, so thank you! The work you do matters!
Thank you Kristina,
I am very passionate about helping people heal for real.
Bless you!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thanks Melanie for the article.
I think we all question if we are the narcissist as we are going through the healing. But I agree with others posts that this is the exact thing that makes us NOT the narcissist. We are able to self-reflect and consider what our traits and behaviors may be. These articles help a lot with my situation because the whole time I was trying to handle the narcissist as if they were a sane person. I now know they are spiritually and mentally sick. So me trying to explain myself or understand their reasons were all a waste of time!! They have no reasons other than they have a disorder in which they like to emotionally exploit others. My narcissists still takes barbs at me, but now they are falling flat. I don’t really care what they think about me as they are no one to me. It is actually kind of funny to watch them try so hard to trigger me. I know that they get worse if they can’t get a reaction out of you, but I am at a point that I could care less. But I do wonder how far they will go, like will they show up to my door one day threatening bodily harm??? I hope not. I love the work I am doing with myself and I am finding that my own company is much better than some ol’ narcissist trying to control me anyway. I am still healing, and I am sure I will have my “days” but overall I feel a lot better. Thanks for this program Melanie, so many people could benefit from this.
Hi Molly,
you are very welcome and I’m really happy for you that you are doing better.
Re the narc turning up – cut them out harder. Dont engage anything – block, delete and if you need any comms re children, settlements etc, then I would suggest setting up a third party communication channel.
You give them an inch – they will continue to try to control and threaten. Keep shifting out what fears need to be released and the chords and energy will be cut.
I hope this helps
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I may have to differ with you on your assessment of narcissists as evil. One of the gifts you’ve given me is the knowledge that my narc is an angel in my life. She is one who makes me experience pain and discomfort, immense at times. It is only through this pain that I am able to experience growth. She has helped me become aware that I am too much of a people pleaser and that’s what has led me to some unhappy circumstances. She has agreed to come into this world to help me learn to be more assertive, to learn to set boundaries, to get out from under trying to please everyone else at the expense of pleasing – and truly getting to know – my self. Since discovering my wife was a covert narc I have experienced personal growth like never before. I am now able to separate her divine self (her frightened inner child) and her false self (her monkey mind). I observe rather than absorb. I can watch the tantrums and the ridiculous and hurtful statements without having to engage and being able to let go. I am now able to feel compassion for her – I can’t imagine having to go through life the way she does, and I take comfort in knowing our contract is for her to suffer in order for me to grow. Yes, it will prevent us from ever truly connecting or being one, and I think that is the path I am destined to walk, for now at least.
Thank you Tonia for all you’ve given me, for saving me from the downward spiral I was in before coming across your quantum perspective.
All I know is that if you have to ask yourself “Am I the Narcissist?” Then you are definitely not. They would never ever ask that question to anyone, they have no clue what they are, nor do they care….as long as they can get their supply form you or others. Thank you Melanie!
Exactly Jojina!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Dear Mel,
Beautifully said ! Always inspiring 💕
Thank you Jane hun!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I have been following you for years. You have literally changed my life! I’m sorry I can’t afford the Thriver programme but I did want to reach out and thank you from the bottom of my heart. I had a years worth of therapy and trauma based work to get over a narcissist only to fall for another one when I was still vulnerable. He recently blocked and deleted me over something perfectly reasonable and acceptable to most people, inviting my ex husband to his granddaughters first birthday. After expecting to get into a war via email again, I simply responded Thank you, this has given me the closure I need”. Down to you lovely lady because you are giving tools to so many people affected by narcissistic abuse xxx
Hi Claire,
I am so pleased Dear Lady that I have been able to help you.
Love and blessings to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
First I would like to thank you for sharing your experience and journey out of narcissist abuse. As you know, abuse comes in all kinds of forms and does not have to be physical. I have fully healed from abuse from my ex covert narcissist that I was married to for 27 years. We now get along because he knows he can do nothing to me to get a reaction. However, I overlooked the fact that I was dealing with another covert narcissist who is my sister. I cared for my ill mother in my home for 4 years before she passed away. My mother made me her Trustee of her Estate while she was ill and as such I had to made numerous life and death medical decisions as well as financial decisions for her. My older sister and brother had no problem with me handling all of this while my mother was alive. However, once my mother passed away, my sister, with the help of my brother, filed a lawsuit in probate court to have me removed as Trustee and have my sister be made the Trustee. This was after I found out my sister had taken my mother’s jewelry, mink coats, and other items worth hundreds of thousand dollars right after my mother’s funeral. When I asked my sister to return the items so I could divide everything equally she filed the lawsuit against me. Her lawyer was better than mine and she was lucky to get a judge who thought it was horrific that I hadn’t sold my mom’s house 6 months after she passed away only because my sister was telling me to hold off on selling it because she wanted us to buy out my brother. So my sister became Trustee and not only didn’t divide the Estate equally like my mom’s will stated, she changed me money from my share of the estate, wouldn’t pay me Trustee fees for the 4 years I cared for my Mom, blamed me for the stolen jewelry and property and put me through several years of legal abuse costing me thousands of dollars in legal fees. My family is obviously not the same, my nephew, whom I was very close to, won’t talk to me. Other family members think it was a simple misunderstanding and no big deal even though my siblings knew exactly what they were doing. My children no longer have a relationship with their aunt or their cousins and I lost both my mother and sister both of whom I loved very much.
After 2 years of no contact, I am feeling much more peaceful and I have gotten back to my light and my power. I no longer care what is said about me because I know my truth and I have actually documentation from my sister and her lawyer that clearly show the truth. I feel I have been given the gift of clarity so I no longer have to deal with these toxic people. I don’t want her back in my life and I don’t expect an apology or her to change. But I know the one thing that narcissists hate is for people to see their true self instead of the nice mask they wear to fool people. I am planning on sharing all emails, text messages and her lawyers correspondence to expose her lies and her true self to family members. She will not be able to come after me legally since truth is the best defense for slander and liable. I am a paralegal so I am aware of the legal issues. She can’t do anything more to me at this point so I’m not afraid of any retribution. I do know being exposed for the person she really is will be overwhelming for her as it is for any narcissist. I feel this is the last step of my healing and taking back my power. I am open to hear your thoughts about this. Thank you.
Hi Valerie,
you have certainly been through a terrible time with your sister, and I am so pleased that you have healed through this as much as you have.
My suggestion and experience with this are that it is likely she would already have got in first and done her number on your, regarding information.
Narcissists are amoral, lie and do what it takes to discredit others masterfully. When you try to present evidence (even hard facts) in virtually every case, you will not get the response of “others seeing the truth” that you want.
Healing comes between you and Source and the generation of your incredible life, and then who and what can see the truth will come to you. Ironically this always happens when you no longer “need it” to heal.
Narcissistic abuse is a spiritual-energetic phenomenon allowing you to deeply heal your relationship with you and Source, and then I promise you all that matches your True Self will follow.
My heartfelt suggestion is to turn inwards and keep healing and let that go.
I hope that this helps.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
After he takes my phone and leaves me in a shopping place with me begging him to take me home while he laughs and calls me old ugly infertile and mentally ill. He brings my old engagement ring and tells me to have a good life. Then he sends me you tube video clips, hello messages, and Halloween pumpkins.
This person is psychotic.
I am reading all of this and really sympathize and smile, or hurt and relate, to so many of the stories. I think everyone is on their right path, somewhere along the way, and that’s encouraging. My story with narcissism begins at the start of my life, with my birth family…and it ends there, too. I had to realize I was not the problem in my family, by blaming myself and putting things on me as young as I was then, because that’s what the parents who gave birth to me wanted from me. They loved blaming others, so it deflected from their problems and “picture perfect” life they wanted to project. I used to think it was my job to fix my family, to do what they wanted and more, even as unrealistic, mean, and even downright unhealthy many of those demands were. They took credit for my accomplishments, going so far as to say it was them who did my assignments in school, they were the ones who thought of things I had created or entered as a competition…it was bizarre. As a kid, you don’t realize what’s going on, you play along and think that is normal…until you wake up if you’re lucky and realize it’s all an illusion, like a bad Alice in Wonderland (which is pretty scary as a story, anyway!) I started my distancing, slowly by early high school years, took a job in college that had me not living at home in the summertimes, and I finally felt I was independent. Then, they’d make up some tragic reason I needed to live closer, to pull me in, and for awhile I didn’t see the game. I realized after stealing, cheating parents had taken my money, used my home I was paying for without my knowledge (and without me ever having given them anything to access my home–they made a key while I was visiting one time, I figured out…was doing something at their home, they must’ve gone into my purse and gotten it copied and I never noticed) for illicit activities, denied all those things when I very discreetly brought up what I’d found out…it was just becoming too much. I moved to another country with my job, they begged and pleaded and I did come back to try and reconnect for a short while before my wedding I paid for (I was doing it MY way by now, 100%!), but nothing was ever unconditional love, and I didn’t want or need much. I did not want their money, I did not want to be rescued, I didn’t want to be the center of attention or of our family…but if I didn’t play their games, it was OVER as far as they were concerned. They did the narcissist dance: Cut you off, make fun of you by telling nasty untrue stories to “friends” of theirs, beg me back and send pouty cards saying they love me more than the air they breathe, etc. It is and was so childish, so draining, so negative, so unlike any relationships I have had with other people their age or my age or ANY age…and it’s a relief to have left it behind. I realized if I wasn’t feeding the beast, in other words, doing the card-sending, gift-giving, visiting, etc., then there was nothing there. And, they all missed having some extra drama from my side, something to make fun of, to reject later…so I stopped it. I stopped calling slowly over time, I stopped sending emails, then I stopped sending cards for every occasion…and presents. At first, nobody noticed any of this, then they tried for a few years to get me back into the dramaville again about three years ago, but I wasn’t taking the bait. I’ve been family-drama-free of this narcissistic poison for about 12 years now, completely free, and it feels great. I doubt I’ll even go to their funerals, I have to say, because the funerals are for the living. I forgive them, I think this is the best they can do, but being loved that way is NOT being loved. It’s dangerous and destructive. And, I don’t need it. Even my siblings are sucked into that vortex, and I feel so much better with surrogate family members now, in close friends. That brings me comfort and joy! We all need to remember that this holiday season, when it’s family members (by blood) who bring on the narcissism.
Thank you again for your wise encouraging words. I have developed this technique over time after leaving a marriage with a narcissist I was bereft with guilt and self blame.
Meeting others I see red flags quicker, (potential over ruling by a narcissist) pit knot practice your techniques of self awareness and expression leaving the narcissist to try and belittle, dictate, disapprove etc which only confirms my need to not merge further with them but honour my own journey. I’m not coming off my high horse as recently told I should. Thank you 😊
Yes, yes and yes. Since reading your articles I now have an understanding of what’s been gradually happening and now remain calm and won’t rise to the bait, treating her with calm indifference and walking away has changed her behaviour from aggressive wolf to timid lamb. I no longer try to comfort her and get her to explain her wild rages, ridiculous accusations and physical attacks – just cold detachment seems to have thrown her into uncertainty and some peace for me. I have started going out without her and joined an interest group, I thought she would escalate the aggression but faced with losing her supply and home when we split up, seems to have stopped her dead, well for now anyway, although I am sure she is planning an escape route and has probably contacted her millionaire ex get her supply from him (fingers crossed).
hello thrivers, about ten months ago i gather every fiber in me and walk away from the narc i had enough of his bs and lies when you’ve tooking all you can take there’s nothing left but a shell of yourself and you look in the mirror and say if this is what he left me with to recover than i’m gonna take what’s left and pull myself together and gain knowledge on this disorder and so i did. you see this monster was clever to a certain point, but the day i saw him for who he was the game change the lights came on and what i saw was enough to get me going and not look back, i believe his whole siblings have been affected by this diorder in the past i remember him saying something like his mother abandon him early on in his childhood now that i’ve gain knowledge on this disorder i come to realize he was looking for someone to feel that void that he miss out on early in life when i met him he was broken to the core me being an empath tried to make him feel excepted while in return he was setting me up for my demise at this point i feel so much stronger my self esteem is on point bigger and better, i’m not giving the narc credit but i must admit he brought me to a point where if none of this wouldn;t have taken place i would have never known the true me (self) i found things out about myself that NOW! I WOULD NEVER TOLERATE EVER AGAIN! after five long years trying to get the narc to tell me the truth about his cheating WOW! just like that he started lying and it was written all over my face that i didn’t believe him so now you wanna talk about chemistry GTFOH after twenty plus years with the narc now he wanna talk chemistry do we have it? HELL NO we never did and we never will now that you realize that the grass wasn’t so greener on the otherside you wanna be real you was eake then and he’s fake now everyone he came in relationships with he was always the victim looking bak now i see all the red flags that were waving at me and just ignore them but paid for them in thee end now that my healing has come i’m focus on myself oh and by the way he was so toxic i had get rid of my bedroom set change cars and brought me a new buick and i’m glowing and growing he left a lot of residue around me and i had to burn sage all through my house bcuz it felt like his spirit was still around i would like to thank melanie sooooh much for her blogs bcuz it really gave me clarity of what was happening to me so now at this time i’m loving on myself and family that now realize the truth behind my demis.
Hello Melanie, thank you for all of your education on dealing with narcissism. I find myself in a unique position. My young adult daughter is a narcissist and she breaks my heart regularly. I don’t know how to stop trying, how to stop loving, how to stop wishing, praying, and crying over the situation. She is on the high functioning autism spectrum, which I believe adds its own twist to the issue. She isn’t good with people and relationships. She lives by herself and for most of her life I have been there helping her with everything from medical issues to money, groceries, and really everything. I think she resents me for being dependent on me, and knows that I will always love her so she is super mean to me. Getting more and more abusive by the passing month and year. She accuses me of everything that she does to me, which is really strange. She suddenly started accusing me of being abusive, and she keeps saying that I need therapy. The only thing I ask of her is that she is kind towards me, which she cannot do. I give and give and continue to give, only to continually get meanness and hatred from her. I have tried reasoning with her, like you gave examples of in your article. I have defended myself and I always say “that’s not true, I’ve only been kind to you. I’ve sacrificed and given happily to you for your entire life.” She counters back with accusations that I am manipulative and hateful. I know she isn’t right. I know I feel like if she was anyone else, they would be easier to walk away from. But how do I walk away from my daughter? I desperately need help with this situation. I truly don’t know what to do. My heart is broken and I cannot reconcile. I want desperately to have a good and healthy relationship with her. It is my biggest prayer. Do you have any advice for me? Thank you so much.
Hi HB,
It’s my pleasure.
I’d love to help you with my resources … this is a very big discussion, with many facets to it … if you google my name plus “our children” then you will find many resources which I hope can help you.
I also highly suggest coming into my free webinar http://www.mealnietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to start taking your power and soul back – which also will benefit her.
I hope that this helps
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I want to thank you so very very very much for all of your hard work in helping us thrive. I got your how to thrive after narcissistic abuse in March of 2021. At that time I was having obsessional looping thoughts and feelings about my ex who told me that I was the love of his life and that he would do anything to get me back and three days later was with another woman. Who he then moved in with and had a baby with very quickly, for one and a half years, without knowing anything about narcissism and their abuse was extreme torturous hell for me. Without your book there is no way that I would have gone to the depths of myself in a way to heal myself to be able to get away from him and all of the hurt. Thank you again for shining light on something I had previously had no idea of. The quantum freedom healing is such an incredible life changer and I can’t tell you just how much you’ve helped me. Thank you thank you thank you! I am loving these blog articles too. They are a great companion to your book.