Melanie Tonia Evans

Forgiving Yourself For Being Hooked and Tricked By The Narcissist

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 5
24
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

After ending the relationship with your narcissist it is very common to be left with destruction to your security, assets, connections with family and friends, and shattered emotions, as well as all the other losses you have sustained as a result of being in a relationship with a narcissist…

As you look at the rubble left lying at your feet it can be very easy to beat yourself up.

You might think, “How could I have been so stupid?” “How could I have let this go on so long and get so bad!” Or,I have ruined not just my life but also my children’s lives…”

It is very important to understand that when you are stuck in shaming and blaming yourself it’s impossible to start forgiving yourself, and ultimately start recovering.

Forgiveness can be a very hard step to make. But it is one that is truly vital for you to move on and start feeling better.

That is why an entire module in the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program is dedicated to this very important step.

In this article I am going to share an exercise from module 3 of NARP: Forgive Yourself and Life For What You’ve Been Through.

After applying this exercise you will begin forgiving yourself for the pain, trauma and devastation you have been through, and what you have subjected the people you care about to, so that you can start moving into the acceptance, healing and claiming of your true life.

You probably have realised that it is essential to forgive yourself. You know that when you are stuck in blaming yourself you don’t feel good and things don’t start getting better

But you might be asking “How’ do I forgive myself?”

Before I show you “how” I want to touch on something that you must understand first.

 

Why We Blame Ourselves

We’ve often been so focused on things outside us that we lose ourselves. Often, in the aftermath when we take a look at ourselves, we can be deeply disappointed with who we are.

The truth is that we usually blame ourselves, at some deep level, for everything that goes wrong in our life. This self-blame is trigged by feelings of guilt, shame and unworthiness. These feelings of disempowerment have to be healed. Forgiving ourselves is an essential release from the past. If we don’t, we risk re-creating anything negative that we haven’t unconditionally accepted about ourselves.

We might have spent weeks, months or years enduring much more than necessary in order to understand the lessons. It was our resistance to soul truth (listening to, honouring and acting on our feelings in truth) that caused us to be trapped in pain, negative thinking and disappointing experiences for so long.

At the end of the day, all of it was at some level meant to be. Our ‘less than’ actions and choices were a gift; we manufactured them at soul level as a lesson that grants us the opportunity to create new beliefs and choices that empower us.

This is what I mean when I talk about narcissistic abuse providing ‘the gift’ to clear up your unhealed parts and childhood wounds.

 

How to Forgive Yourself

Learning to forgive yourself can be extremely challenging at first.

You may have been stuck in blaming yourself for so long that you don’t know any different. This is normal and what I have observed from members in the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program is that when they apply this technique I am about to show you (combined with the Quanta Freedom Healing therapy in NARP) they are able to shift mountains of self-blame and begin moving forward into forgiveness almost instantly. (Even the ones that seemed the most stuck initially).

So let’s get started.

Get a Journal and Pen and know that you will need quite a bit of time and a few sheets of paper. Makes sure you won’t be disturbed.

STEP ONE: Write the heading: How I perceive the painful mistakes I made.

Now write out the details regarding how you let yourself down. Don’t hold back. Write as much as you can.

STEP TWO: Embrace Your Feelings Fully

Now write about how you feel in regard to what you wrote in Step One. It is really important to have a good cry, or be angry as your write the words describing your feelings. Don’t hold back with your emotions, and make sure you use feeling words. You may wish to google ‘feeling words’ to grant you some ideas. Please know that painful feelings must be acknowledged in order to be shifted.

STEP THREE: Bigger picture perspective.

Now write out – ‘Even though what I have done to myself hurts, I recognise on a soul level I was really granting myself the gift of understanding and healing my unhealed parts – so that I can create a true, real and wonderful life.’

Now write down a list of the ‘gifts’ – the new positive belief systems regarding ‘what has happened’ that you now realise and can commit to creating.

Please note that these will be the opposite of what you did attract and receive, and how you did ‘behave’ (the old painful beliefs / unhealed parts).

Such as:

  • Men / Women I love are faithful and honest and possess integrity
  • Love equals support, truth, kindness and love
  • I now honour, love and respect myself enough to lay boundaries
  • I am now the supplier of my own emotional wellbeing and life. I have the power to ‘be this and attract more of the same….

Make this list as long as you can, by digging deep into reversing all the things which did happen.

 STEP FOUR: Gratitude

Now write out – ‘I thank myself fully for perfectly co-creating these experiences to finally come home and fully heal.’

Really feel this statement…

 

Closing Message

I know forgiving yourself can feel extremely difficult at first. As co-dependents we tend to blame our self for everything that goes wrong. I’ve been there and I totally get it.

Be conscious of when you start shifting into self-blame and remember to be kind to yourself.

Before you know it you will begin to recognise that on the other side of your narcissistic abuse experience (or any other hardship in your life) is a gift to keep growing and learning. And once you do your life will just keep getting better!

As I mentioned before The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program helps you shift mountains of self-blame and rewrite the pattern of self-blame you may have been living your entire life.

Members of the program describe this as a huge relief, like a weight has come off their shoulders, and it feels like for the first time they can sense life in a completely different way – a way of freedom and unconditionally loving and accepting themselves. If this is something you would like then please have a look at NARP here.

Please share any questions and comments you have below. I’d also love to hear what you thought of the forgiveness journaling exercise as I am planning to include many more practical exercises in future articles if they help you.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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24 Thoughts on Forgiving Yourself For Being Hooked and Tricked By The Narcissist
  • jacsplat@msn.com'
    Jac
    December 5, 2012

    Hi Mel! I am working with Module 3 at the moment and this is a fantastic addition to healing through that module. I have forgiven myself in many areas, but there are still thoughts and mind chatter as to ‘why did I give him so much’, ‘I spent far too much money on him’, (as I am broke, trying to start again), ‘I feel bad for my closest friends, talking to them about what was going on’, ‘why did he abuse me when I gave him everything I had’, and so on. After I started healing with QFH and NARP I started to realise, a lot of my generosity and over functioning empathy came from my need to nurture,(as I don’t have children), and I could see what was happening in that I was looking at him like a child (that’s how he acted, like a 5 year old) so stayed to protect him and give him everything for him to feel safe and loved. Forgetting my needs, to make him happy. It never worked. Abuse always followed kindness, no matter what I did and gave. For a long time I felt ‘foolish’ and ‘naive’ that a woman with my intelligence and capabilities, my strong intuition and sense of ‘something is not right here’ kept me playing out the perfect romance which is what it was for a short time in the beginning. It was my need for love and affection that he gave me in the beginning, until his love turned to obsession, he then became smothering.

    When we start to heal and come home to ourself, it becomes so clear that forgiving ourself for what happened, knowing that it was not all of our fault, we attracted it in our life due to our unhealed parts and dysfunctioning inner identity, it gives us boundaries to not repeat the same behaviours. We are conditioned from a young age by our parents in good ways and in not so great ways.

    It is true that beating ourselves up for what happened is only going to make us feel worse and when we let go and forgive ourself, everything good starts to happen and others are drawn to us more, when we loose the fight with ourselves. I was getting so angry and irritable with myself and nothing in life was working for me. Now I feel lighter, able to say sorry to myself and feel genuine caring and love for me. The love for myself is flowing into other people in my life who say that I have really changed in such wonderful ways (or being myself again) they in turn feel relaxed, enjoying my company in the ways it always should have been.

    Looking forward to this addition to my next ‘shift’, very exciting! big ((((hug)))) Mel and love to you x Ps: timing again is amazing!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 5, 2012

      Hi Jac,

      I am so pleased that the timing of this article worked for you, and it wonderful the level of self-reflection and progress you have made.

      You are doing such a wonderful job!

      And as always Jac you’re very welcome 🙂

      Mel xo

  • trhnsn@gmail.com'
    teri
    December 5, 2012

    Thanks Melanie-

    It seems that all your emails come at “exactly the right time”, wonder why that is? I am truly STUCK in self blame. I keep saying, “how could I have been so stupid to put up with that kind of treatment for 25 years”? My mother was a narcissist and I was told by a psychologist (one my mother took me to at 16 years of age, because something was WRONG with me, seems it backfired on her), he said: “Teri, there is nothing wrong with you and I dont even have to talk to you to confirm that. Your mother is the problem, and get OUT as soon as you can, Good Luck”. He never used the term “narcissist” and I am not even sure it was part of any dialogue then, however, I took his advice, got out at 17 and was figuring out who I was, when BAM, out of nowhere comes this narcissist who I was married to for 25 years. All those years, he treated me exactly like my mother did, telling me, “something was wrong with me”, and I truly questioned myself EVERYDAY. The treatment was the same, my soul was ripped from my body, my spirit was broken and I lived in a “robotic state of being”. I dont know how I finally found the strength to leave, but with Gods grace I did. I am learning alot about Narcissists, but dont want to become an Expert (as you said in another blog) and be stuck or get into the same kind of relationships again. HOWEVER, I am at the point in my understanding and recovery of being stuck in “How could I have been so stupid”. Yes, the treatment was familiar coming from the two narcissists. I didnt like it from either one, and I knew it was wrong. But I am stuck in the “how could I have been so stupid” stage of really beating myself up. My “self” was on the rise, after I moved out, and I married my N at 22, WAY to young to ever marry. But he was perfect for the 1st year of courting and the day we got married, it was like WHAM….wow, what is this? Me, being stubborn and with no esteem decided; the more I gave, the more he would learn. NOT SO. They rip out your SOUL. After spending many hours reading, and re-reading your blogs and the program, I am still STUCK in self blame. I am hoping that the exercises above will get me out of that place, as it is not a good feeling. How long will I be stuck in this “state of being I dont want to be in?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 5, 2012

      Hi Teri,

      you are welcome. Yes it is really usual to replay the pattern from a parent to a love partner. And truly that is regardless of even if we did know what a narcissist was, and how one acted.

      The truth of the matter is that it is our own unhealed parts that need to heal in order for the pattern to change.

      The answer to your question is ‘how long is it going to take you to fully commit to putting your focus firmly on self-healing?’

      For all of us my love, that’s how long it takes…

      I hope this helps, and I truly hope you do make you your highest healing priority – then everything will change.

      Mel xo

  • sujonez@hotmail.com'
    carolyn
    December 5, 2012

    Hi- this is very timely- as always. I too, like Jac and Teri above,am working on forgiveness issues and find it hard because self blame and unworthiness have always been my default position. I have just never been aware of this before! I really appreciate these kind of exercises- they help to dig up all kinds of unconscious beliefs and patterns.

    I sympathize with you Teri- I too feel stuck in bad feelings. I look inside myself and I am astonished by what I find- shattered emotions, all the ´less than beliefs´.. I am working with the NARP and I am slowly shifting all the rubbishy stuff out, but it is no walk in the park. There are layers upon layers… but I persevere- it is worth doing this inner work.I trust Melanie totally on this.

    I don´t know how long it will take either. I have been in No Contact for 5 months now and my life has been ripped apart. I think we have to be very gentle with ourselves, trust the process and understand that recovery from something as devastating as this going to take time. So we need to be patient.

    I do know that the NARP helped enormously right at the beginning. I was overwhelmed by panic at first and consumed by anxiety- and those feelings have simply gone away. I have lost my fear. And I have been fearful for years! I continue to work diligently at the programme knowing that I will breakthrough- that healing fully is possible… and I feel comforted that I am not alone and that we are making this journey together… and we will make it! love and blessings

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    December 5, 2012

    Hi Carolyn,

    I am so glad that this article timing resonated with you too, and yes the exercises will help….

    It’s great that you’re dedicating to you – and shifting the pain…and for many of us it is ‘big’…and as we work through we really do get to the bottom of it…and it get’s so much easier and lighter – so worth working for!

    Oh yes Carolyn you WILL make it – truly!

    Mel xo

  • richtamms@yahoo.com'
    Kay
    December 5, 2012

    Wow- yes the timing is excellent! Thank you Melanie!

    One thing I have found that can help a lot with no longer blaming yourself is to remember that you do, and have always done, the best you can with what you have. You were not stupid! You just did not have the knowledge then that you do now!

    We all do the best we can with what experience, training, skills, and ideas that we have in that moment.

    You know a whole lot more now than when you first encountered a narcissist; whomever that was.

    You also have to keep in mind that very oftenly narcissists are incredibly good at “reading” people; they will quickly figure out what flatters you, what turns you on-in every sense of the phrase- what makes you tick; remember, narcissists have to do that in order to survive, so they are going to be good at it.

    Now, however, as we go along in our healing processes, we will be able to spot a narcissist from a long way away and be able to avoid them. If we have to interact with them we can now realize that we no longer have to get “caught up” in their plots and dramas; we can be distantly polite and go about our lives without getting sucked into their orbit.

    It is essential to realize you are not to blame; you just learned some tough lessons that, now that you are coming out the other side of a very painful experience, have enabled you to find your true self, true voice and passion in your life! You no longer have to walk in fear on eggshells; you are now free to be who you really are!
    Additionally, remember, you are not all by yourself anymore. There are people who love you and care about you, and are eager for you to love yourself!
    Cheers!

    • elli_rodriguez@aol.com'
      Elli
      December 7, 2012

      Thanks Kay. That is a very lovely and uplifting contribution.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 7, 2012

      Hi Kay,

      Yes so true, and thank you for reiterating that vital point…everyone is only ever doing the best they can do with the level of emotional intelligence resources that they have at the time.

      Through the narcissistic experience we do learn so much. We learn that these people exist, and the most fundamental thing is we can deeply learn about ourself. Why we had ‘gaps’ in our own emotional intelligence, why we struggled to lay boundaries and why we truly did not love, accept and value ourselves unconditionally.

      And when we do ‘come home’ to healing and claiming our soul right to truly partner ourself them life supplie ‘more of that’ in incredible abundance, and we ate no longer attracted to the non-genuine articles.

      Mel xo

  • ejh7454@clearwire.net'
    EJ
    December 6, 2012

    Thank you, Melanie, for the timely words. I have made a lot of good progress, but for the past few days I have really been missimg the man that my narc pretended to be. I have been alternating between accepting my feelings – after all, I loved him deeply even if he wasn’t a real person – but I then switch over to beating myself up because I have fallen back into the pain and grief. Luckily, I have a lot of resources for dealing with this, but it sure is tiresome! Sometimes I feel like there’s a bottomless pit of damage inside me that I’m removing one thimble-full at a time.

    Sure, I can see my own progress and I truly am remembering to talk nicely to myself most of the time, but honestly – I’d just like to forget all this and take myself out to dinner and then go buy some shoes or something. Hmmm. Not a bad idea….

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 7, 2012

      Hi EJ,

      You are very welcome!

      The parts in him that you are missing ate truly the part of you that needs to grant that to ‘self’.

      The complete energetic truth of all of us is that we all when we do the inner work and ‘become’ true love and acceptance of ourself is – we are already whole. We are already ‘in love’. Meaning we are full of love and we are connected to ‘life’ as love.

      This is the goal, because in this state there is no ‘missing anything’. There is no ‘neediness’. You already ‘are’ all that you need. Then you will easily ‘match up’ with being able to share this love with other ‘full’ people who also aren’t ‘needy’ for having to gain energy or approval (supply) from outside themself.

      Yes buying shoes can give you a temporary hit of ‘feeling better’, however nothing from the outside can ever replace your divine right to have a true inner relationship with yourself.

      Everything you seek has to be established first on the inside, because this is where everything and everyone in your life experience emanates from – without exception.

      Mel xo

  • Clare.twohy@gmail.com'
    Eve
    December 6, 2012

    Hi Melanie, thank you for everything you’ve posted on your site- it’s already helped a lot. I know I have a *long* way to go still, healing from a severely Narc Mother, and Narc sabotaging professor (yikes!). I feel stuck trying to truly accept the concept of co-creating- it still seems like the responsibility was just not equal… I know it would help to feel fully responsible, but my mind can not get around this yet. Any advice would be much appreciated,
    Thanks much! and love, Eve

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 7, 2012

      Hi Eve,

      What I have explained to EJ in the post above may help you.

      Our ‘mind’ always struggles to take full responsibility – especially if we have a strong victimized pain body.

      The wounds that we accumulate that make us feel ‘unworthy, ‘not good enough’ and ‘insignificant ‘ or ‘unlovable’ feel very painful and as a result we can build up all sorts of defence mechanisms around these to try not to feel these things about ourself.

      Then the mind has no option other than to blame others for these feelings and make them responsible for our pain.

      These are very normal ‘human egoic’ responses, but truly in as far as healing, changing our patterns and breaking forth into a healthy relationship with ourself and future healthy love partners, it equals how to lose.

      Our defence mechanisms merely lie to ourselves, and lie to others, and they separate us from fully claiming, loving and accepting ourselves unconditionally wounds and all. They keep our wounds running under ‘the facade’…

      My greatest suggestion to you would be try NARP. It will help you dissolve your defences, and come home to the true partnering, embracing and healing of yourself. It will help you move through to your true freedom.

      Mel xo

  • Edel.mequinlan@gmail.com'
    Edel quinlan
    December 26, 2012

    Hi I have read through a lot of information on your website as I recently split from a guy who I had a short relationship with . He sucked me in and sparse out and I feel now he was a narcccisist . I feel broken at the moment angry and hurt and feel stuck in motivated and can’t stop crying. The hurt and anger has consumed me and all I want to do us make him feel as hurt as he has hurt me . The break up has brought me down and brought other issues I have not dealt with. I keep reading you articles on days I’m down and hope I can get myself out of my dark hole . Txs edel

    • richtamms@yahoo.com'
      Kay
      February 9, 2013

      Hey there Edel,
      Keep reading as much of Melanie’s blogs as you can. It’s normal to feel like you want to hurt the narc as much as he hurt you; however, once you acknowledge that anger, move on; trying to hurt the narc does not help you.

  • dacane34@gmail.com'
    Da Cane
    December 28, 2012

    Hello, Melanie and Readers
    I believe I have forgiven myself for giving and releasing myself to my N. relationship of 3 and a half years…… as a loving woman and wife of God I feel that I had the right idea just wrong person and definitely not enough boundary / self-protection skills nor awareness of the pricelessness of MY GIFTS OF LOVE.
    His lack of appreciation……or shall I say lack of capacity to appreciate/reciprocate MY GIFTS, not my problem.(initially) It only became my problem when I Allowed the energy depletion of his actions to leave me feeling stupid for doing what was NATURAL in love. Ladies and gentz contrary to all those outside opinions (btw whom cant see through the confusion themselves, get frustrated and resort tothe ready-made answer that you must be stupid) you are not stupid and buying into this misconception undoubtedly gives your N. power over your future relationships; a trait of PTSD by default.

    I am struggling with releasing my anger towards my N. I read that there is BWS for

  • dacane34@gmail.com'
    Da Cane
    December 28, 2012

    I was cut out, but BWS wassomething you mentioned in 1 of your articles which I think may be where I am after what appears to be my third intimate encounter with a N. the first of which being my mother. And only God knows how long I have suffered from PTSD. I do not desire to be vengeful or resort to inconsiderate or unhealthy methods to implement boundaries in my relationships; of course in*consideration to myself and not others anyway but still a concern.

    Thank you Melanie for your strength and dedicated liberation of others….
    Hope this helps sUm1 3lSe 😉

  • seaofgreen@fastmail.fm'
    Claire
    February 13, 2013

    I was in a narcissistic relationship from May 2011 (off and on until cutting off contact recently). I’m 23 years old and I met this man who is 25, in college.

    I never knew there was a name for the guy I was dating until I became curious about the true definition of a narcissist and looked it up via the internet.
    During the time we were dating, my ex was initially very much a gentlemen (or masking his true colors). He was the first guy to provide flowers for me, he cooked dinner for me, etc. But along the line, things changed and he became very particular about what I was wearing and if I looked good enough, and the perceived weaknesses he thought I possessed. During my final semester and student teaching of college I warned him that I would be super busy but he expected me to drive thirty minutes to spend the night with him (on his terms) so he wouldn’t be by himself. Over time I noticed how much appearances and being the center of attention mattered to him. He would take longer to get ready when we went out than I did and would still criticize me if I didn’t look good enough for his standards. Things worsened over time and while I cannot get out the true turmoil I experienced, he showed his true colors especially by :calling me fat, telling me to go “f- myself” whenever I exclaimed I wasn’t sure things would work out with us together, declaring he was going to commit suicide or come to my parents house to talk to me in the middle of the night about working things out while my parents were sleeping. I felt isolated from my friends and I spent more time around his friends and family than my own. Looking back now, his family is very similar to himself (I believe my ex- is the way he is as a narcissist) because he was always pampered and showered attention- as his family expects the same and unreasonable amounts of it. The next to final straw for me was one night my ex told me not to move while laying in bed and he moved a gun that was in the drawer of the nightstand over top of my body to his side of the bed. The next time I saw him he drew the gun to the side of my body laughing, thinking it was funny, me exclaiming it was not.

    I believe now I’m at a very different place than I was the last time I saw him (the gun incident). It has been very, very hard and I still struggle. I struggled more prior to learning what a narcissistic was because I wanted things to work out so bad and I think in a sense, I was addicted to him and our relationship (which was a whirlwind)but maybe because of who he initially appeared to be to me. What I’m seeing flash in front of me now are all the warning signs I should have seen and listened to (from peers, what he’s said about his ex- who I know he has now hurt too). While we had been off and on, he dated two other girls, came back to me, and now he has moved on to another girl.. when I did allow contact he noted “Everything happens for a reason”. The same exact thing he said when I entered his life. I worry he will hurt future partners as well.

    For a while the hardest thing for me to live with and which also made me hold on to him despite his abusive behavior was he gave me HSV1, genitally. Genital Herpes Virus 1. I still am not sure as to whether he truthfully knew he had it or not but I continue to struggle with this, hoping someone will be able to love me for me because I will tell my future partners about my virus. (Everyone deserves to know, I didn’t really have that opportunity).

    Melanie, I want to thank you for the strength and courage you have given me to move on and learn from my past. Most importantly, to think and learn about this experience as a whole in a different way. (I couldn’t move on or even try to move on prior because I was stuck in the same rut feeling sorry for myself). I will NOT contact my ex. I have downloaded three of your E-books and they are helping me empower myself and learn more about the narc. and his personality. Thank you for empowering me and helping me learn to let go and move on.

    • seaofgreen@fastmail.com'
      Claire
      February 18, 2013

      Since I commented last, my ex sent me an email which automatically went to my trash folder.He thought he saw me on the highway he said. Personally, I think hes trying to see if Ill respond. I wont. Im stronger than that.

  • loveandpeacetousall@yahoo.com'
    Linda
    February 13, 2013

    Narcissist abuse is very very serious! People are killing themselves due to the pain. These folks are out there on dating sites pretending to be charming. It’s time to make people aware. Dating sites should have ten red flags you may be talking to a Narcissist at the top of page. People are dying because of them and they just move on with a smile.

  • loveandpeacetousall@yahoo.com'
    Linda
    February 13, 2013

    I weighted 105lbs and still was told I was fat. He shared with me all the beauty of the other women he was sleeping with,how much better they were than I. He told me I was so worthless and ugly that I really needed to just go and KILL MYSELF. He had a new Supply blonde and blue so I was to be thrown away and he really wanted me gone. Everyday Linda kill yourself,go jump off the bridge. You are useless,worthless,ugly,fat it goes on and on and on. Linda go kill yourself now DO IT NOW GO SLIT YOUR FUCKING THROAT. I lost everything in 7 years, My home,car,bank account,job and My Life

  • pas.maison@hotmail.co.uk'
    Brevity
    March 6, 2015

    I am 4 months No Contact with him – no children, no financial links, completely free. After a very grim time, I suddenly thought, the other day: He isn’t important. I made a mistake, but that’s OK: people make mistakes, and I am free of him now. Maybe this is just the shadow of the attitude I will have in time, because I am still not free of him in my head. I am in danger of tipping over from, “It was a mistake, and now it’s over, and I can learn from it and get on with my life,” to, “But what a terrible mistake, how could I have, how will I ever change?” Things are muddled at present. I had a strong romantic memory of him tonight, due to a thing I saw on TV: but then I reminded myself that the romance was partly his mask, partly my need for a man like the one he pretended to be sometimes.

    I went through a phase of being horrified at the illusion he and I created, at how I’d believed in it, and how empty, what a waste of time it was. But no: it was a mistake, that’s all. You have to make them in order to learn.

    I like the idea someone had above – that she (being, like me, childless) treated him much as a mother would a small boy – endless help and reassurance, always there for him, not minding his nastiness. Indeed he lives with his parents still, and at times I felt I was “becoming” his mother – eerie, horrible feeling.

    All that yearning after this magical man, who was there for maybe a few weeks or days, and then receded and receded – always chasing after that mirage!

    He’s just some man I had a thing with that was a mistake. He doesn’t matter.

    It’s a long haul, I know it.

    PS I had my own version of “the gun incident” a contributor refers to above. He was driving me home one night – came up to a red traffic light at a crossroads where you could not see all the traffic coming – put his foot down. I thought he was going to kill us both. He did an emergency stop, and jeered at my fear. They do work along very similar lines, these men. Still: we survived them. And they are far behind us now.

  • econchate1988@gmail.com'
    Andrew
    November 18, 2015

    I was with this women for maybe 5 months. She is attractive, a very talented and gifted singer. I think she had me when I first heard her sing. I saw several red flags over the course of the relationship. I kept hoping that I was wrong. We shared a few good times together. She was honestly having financial difficulties and asked me If I would help her out several times at the very beginning of the relationship. I did. She told me things like she had suicidal thoughts, that she did not think anything was going to change for her. I felt bad for her and tried to cheer her up and make her life better. I gave her gifts, helped her with a garden, mowed her grass for her, did plumbing for her, replaced a tile floor with her. I let her use my new car often and for weeks if not months. I was there when she needed someone to take her to the hospital. I bought her medicine on several occasions. I was there for her support. She definitely has a problem with alcohol. I know she is both narcissistic and BPD or Borderline. She treated me very sadistically towards the end and the devaluing phase. I felt really really bad when she broke up with me. I felt how did I deserve that for all I have done for her. I never really got into a bad altercation or fight with her that was not until I called her a narcissist. I never laid a finger on her or touched her. I was just sad and upset about her behaviors towards me. I felt like she had just pushed me off a cliff. I did not matter to her at all. How sick I started thinking am I myself for clinging on to dear life wanting to be with her. She had all of these Charms with all of these Harms. It was making me crazy. I wrote a letter to myself trying to feel my feelings, I was lonely and helpless, not having much hope. I poured my heart and sad feelings into that letter. I did this as part of an exercise to try and help me. I hid this letter from being in obvious plain sight and funny my son happens to come across it when I was out with a male friend talking about this crap. Anyways my son was so convinced that I was going to commit suicide that he called the police, had friends help him try to find me. He was so upset! When I came home that evening I knew something was up. He gave me the biggest heartfelt hug. He had been crying and so upset. I never wanted that to happen. I never mentioned suicide in that letter to myself. I think I felt it but never said it. Weeks later I told her about it and all she could say was don’t ever tell me anything like that again. She really fooled me. I fooled myself. I let her lead me astray. She lead me through tip toeing through the tulips. She comes from a sad background. I know she cant help to a lot of degrees with what she does but at the same time I think she could help herself. It will take a lot of counseling but I don’t know how much even if she did intense therapy how much she would if any actually change. I don’t think much. She does not have the strength nor desire to do the counseling even though she has admitted she needs counseling. She told me she is capable of self sabotaging behaviors. I have read a ton of books on BPD and recently Narcissism. It is very sad to say the least. My mom had severe mental health issues. My mom used to sing a lot. I think my own past childhood struggles certainly made this relationship very hard. I still care about this women despite my heart ache and sadness and depression. I feel like I want to do something for her for Christmas but from a distance. I saw her at one of her singing gigs with her band. She sings so beautifully she makes me cry. She should be famous! I put in a 10 dollar bill in her tip jar and a small flower. I also put a penny in it for ( A PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS). It just blows my mind how they can be so shallow, callous, unfeeling, cold blooded, NO EMPATHY FOR SURE! Anyways I left after her third song and having left the tip. I wanted others to help her by tipping her. I used to make sure she had a tipping jar. She would often forget and I came to the rescue for her. I think about how much emotional and financial energy I gave to this women I could scream. Music still does help me out but the trouble is she sings so well. It’s like all music has been confiscated by her and it reminds me of her that it is actually not very soothing. It is troubling! the way I see her now is kind of contradictory! I see her as a beautiful vivacious gorgeous singing angel that I see but underneath lies the sister of the devil himself. It makes no sense! I think having read that book on narcissism I feel a lot more compassion than even before. I am in a no win situation with her. I have all the empathy in the world for her, I felt love for her, and she cant give me the time of day or acknowledgement or consideration or respect or love or time of day for me. This is just totally crazy and not acceptable ! My wife of 25 years was BPD, major depressive and very narcissistic. I have met several women besides them who I spent some time with also troubled BPDS. I feel I am now an expert on both narcissist and bpds. I cant get enough material to read. I listen to podcast on them. I watch youtube videos on the subjects. I came across one book called the HUMAN MAGNET SYNDROME that think has helped me a lot but they all really have. I am getting older and I want to be in a stable, loving warm friendly relationship for the rest of my life. I have a lot of fear of being alone for the rest of my life without that needed love. I feel so sick sometimes.

  • vuyokazi.mgoqi@gmail.com'
    ImAninja
    November 23, 2016

    How I perceive the mistake I made

    I see this experience as less than loving self. I see it as desperation for love. Before I met the narc my dignity depended on how I am seen in society at large. It was therefore important for me to be seen as a girl with high morals. The girl who is not easy to get. A girl whom every man would be so happy to have. My self image and self love depended on me taking pride in all that. I felt like by striping me of all that he actually took away my identity as a person and I could not make a connection with the new girl I was being told I am by a narc.

    This is how I saw the new girl. Loose, no pride, average and desperate for a man. I didnt like this girl so I really had a hard time accepting her.
    But I had no choice but to come to terms with my new reality and accept that that my reputation is out the window and the good two shoe girl is gone. No matter how much I tried to save her by trying to prove myself that I am a good person to the narc’s friends, they simply were not interest and down right ignored my desperate attempts.

    so now I am left with the 2 options. Its either I accept the girl that the narc says I am by his actions or I re-invent myself to be the best me I can be, even much better than the girl I was before I met him. The former option was not an option for me and thats where the hard work began. I made a commitment to myself that I will not give up on me even if the whole world does. I committed to show me some love everyday even if I did not feel like it. I promised myself I will cure myself of this desperate need for validation from the outside. I was going to be my number one supporter since anyway I was the only one who understood the depth of my pain. Most importantly I prayed to God to give me power and strength to give up my need to be understood. I think that was my biggest down fall. I was loosing people who cared about be only because I would get really upset when they dont get me and understand my pain the way I wanted them to.

    Today 10 months later since the grand finale I am still in a healing journey. I am in a much better space than ever. I find myself so excited to live again. I never thought this day would ever come. I thank people like Melanie who kept on saying in each every article she wrote “Cammon you can do this. I was once like you and look at me now I am on the other side and its toatal bliss” Well I paraphrasing there, not her exact words. But the promise of the bliss on “other side” was the only thing sometimes that kept me holding dear to no contact in some of the darkest days. It was more like a promise land that, though in pain, I wa 100% sure I will make it. I knew one day I will be free, and today is that.

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