Melanie Tonia Evans

How Narcissistic Abuse Led Me To Claim My True Self

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 7
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans


Absolutely, narcissistic abuse is arguably one of the WORST things we could ever go through.

It’s devastating … horrifying … soul-shattering.

And in the depths of it, I know you may be feeling like I once did also …

That there may NOT be a way out, or to rebuild after being taken down to the lowest place we could ever imagine going.

This is why I wanted to share this The Thriver’s Life episode with you today … for those of you not yet starting to feel the sun shining through the storm clouds … and if you are still struggling when you feel engulfed by fear and pain.

I totally believe that narcissists bring us to our knees to face those parts of ourselves we would rather not see, hold and heal – those inner parts that are our deepest fears and most fragile insecurities.

When activated by the narcissist, these parts make us feel like we are going crazy, send us into spins of panic, and can leave us feeling like we are literally going to die.

Today I share with you the 3 BIG ones that narcissistic abuse activated for me – those unhealed parts, that until I healed them, were never going to allow me to radiate and fully BE my True Self.

And because I DID Heal these parts, these areas of my life are now far more healed and whole than I ever believed previously possible.


Episode Transcript

Welcome to the Thriver’s Life series … the creation of your highest and best life after narcissistic abuse.

I cannot tell you how grateful I am for narcissistic abuse. I know many of you are already there, and I know 100% that there are many of you that feel like you will never be. I once felt the same. However, it was exactly this understanding that narcissistic abuse was happening ‘for’ me and not ‘to’ me that lead me into being able to create such an incredible Thriver Recovery from it.

There are two distinct ways that people perceive narcissistic abuse. The first is as something to try to ‘go’ through, and the second is as an experience to determinedly ‘grow’ through. It is the second version that I want to talk to you deeply about today.

I’d like to start off by sharing with you what I believe all relationships in our lives are about, and to explain this clearly I’d like to tell you what I believe they are not. They are not about getting love, approval, security and survival from another person, which sadly is what many people seek relationships for.

I believe they are about having reflected back where we are in relation to these things with ourselves. Because there are, I believe, four main components to be our True Self. These are being healthy, whole sources of love, approval, security and survival to ourselves. When we are these things we know how not to self-abandon, self-avoid and give our power away.

We know how to be True Sources rather than cling to False Selves such as narcissists and False Sources such as addictions, to try to self-medicate the pain away and feel whole. Instead, we are able to be sourcing, generating and creating instead with the healthy aspects of life.

That is what a True Self having a True Life existence is.

It doesn’t mean we get it perfectly right all the time, or that we will always have smooth sailing.  What it does means is when we are triggered from within or without, we know something is ‘off’, and we can heal that part of ourselves to springboard into the next highest version of ourselves.

When committed to True Self function, absolutely we hit some rocky patches within our own evolution, yet these also become the glorious grist and releases us into even higher expressions of ourselves and life. What is there not to love when we live this way? All of it is perfect.

In Quantum Law, so within, so within, there is no ‘outside’. This means every person we meet is an aspect of ourselves allowing us to recognise where we are self-aware and growing (awake) and where we are not (asleep). Missing this is a sure-fire way to get out of relationships thinking we have left the painful relationship dynamic behind, only to find ourselves face to face with it again, with a different face, and usually in an even greater intensity than we previously experienced.

Why? Because our soul is efforting through the experiences it chooses, to make the unconscious conscious so that we can wake up and bring the light into these dark inner places.

I have no doubt at all that narcissistic abuse is the ultimate experience to help us wake up because there is no missing the anguish and trauma it brings front and center to our consciousness.

Over the last 10 plus years, I’ve seen two main groups of individuals who have been narcissistically abused. The first category of people are ‘going’ through the experience, and sadly usually stay traumatised, reduced and battling to try to manage their inner fully activated wounds that have become chronic mentally, emotionally and physically. The second group of people are ‘growing’; they have decided this is the turning point (enough is enough) to fully meet their wounds, do the inner work and free themselves from the patterns in their life that had unconsciously allowed the handing of their power over and experiences of horrific abuse.

Initially, I had no idea there was option two, because literally no one was talking about it.  Now thank goodness I do, because I discovered the truth that not only saved my life but also provided me with the most incredible amount of joy, freedom, personal power and expansion into being and doing a life that I never had access to before my Thriver Recovery.

I discovered the way, because of narcissistic abuse, to claim my True Life.

After narcissistic abuse, the trauma is so great, the pain doesn’t end if we don’t claim our True Self. And we can’t just ‘go on as normal’ if we don’t. We are now terrified, traumatised, and barely functioning and coping, because our inner operating systems have been shattered into many pieces.

We don’t know who we are anymore, or who and what we can trust.

If we don’t turn inwards to heal, we remain victimised and traumatised whilst trying to protect ourselves against the billions of people and situations which are happening ‘out there’ rather than making the true healing changes at the only place we ever can control, ‘in there’.

True Thriver Recovery from narcissistic abuse is not for the faint-hearted, yet it’s a journey that makes our life so much more light-hearted when we achieve it. I think the real question we all face when we have been narcissistically abused is this: “How hard does it have to get before we wake up?” For many of us, it gets pretty bad. The experiences we go through, before waking up, do keep smashing us.

The narcissistic abuse experience is a powerful soul one, beyond comparison, because it shows us in every which way we could imagine how any energy expended on the outside makes our situation worse.

The narcissist gets energised and attacks us and hurts us more every time we try to make them accountable. People believe us less when we try to get them to realise what is happening to us. Authorities and legal personnel become more ineffective in our life, and if we look to anything on the outside for our salvation, everything breaks, cracks apart, falls flat and completely turns its back on us, until we do the one thing that will work, which is: turn inside and heal ourselves.

When we wake up and start to take back our power, the real and necessary questions are these: ‘As the Quantum Powerful Creator I am of so within, so without, what on earth is going on in my Inner Universe for this to be happening to me?” And… “How, therefore, do I change me to change all of this?”

I want you to understand I know that if you are not yet on the Thriver’s Path, you may feel daunted at taking personal responsibility to heal your inner wounds, or even feel offended by hearing that you need to. Once upon a time, I did too. Our human conditioning has tried everything it can to stop us from turning inwards and claiming our power. It has made us believe that this means the narcissist gets off the hook and that we are taking the blame and somehow saying we asked for this and that it was our fault.

This is exactly what the ‘victim shaming’ argument is about.

I used to believe it too. I remember years ago, in the throes of narcissistic abuse, a woman at a spiritual workshop said to me, “If it’s that bad why are you still with him? What part of you is attached to blaming him, rather than you working out what you need to heal so that you do leave him?”

I was adamant she had no idea what she was talking about. Now, because of being brought to my knees and finally doing the inner work that she was pointing at, I know she was right.

We are also taught that there is no way that we can go inside, claim and heal our wounds. We are told that the trauma will be too great, and it will take us out. We are told there is no way to do this and we must just manage our wounds instead. And of course, world systems that benefit greatly from keeping us sick and alive would say that.

Quanta Freedom Healing now proves all of this wrong. You only need to go through any of my forums or blogs to see the overwhelming evidence of people, like myself, who now live free from their previous unspeakable wounds.

The following is the three big things that I woke up to in order to start claiming my True Life. By sharing these, I hope they deeply assist your awakening toward your True Self and Life also.


Terrors of Abandonment

By being cruelly and abruptly abandoned mentally, emotionally, physically and literally, I was confronted with the fears and insecurities that I could not survive on my own, and that I was unworthy of love and replaceable.

My fears of abandonment were so huge that at times I felt like I was literally going to die without this person.

At these times, rather than having my own level of healthy self-love and inner wholeness to fall back on, I could not detach or recognise that being discarded so cruelly and unhealthily was, in fact, a tactic to hook, hurt and control me. I played straight into it. This, of course, led to further abuse, because I tolerated even more abuse to try to stay connected, instead of pulling away to look after myself.

I had to deeply hold and look at this or I was going to die.

So, I did.

After healing the deep fractures within my inner being which had set me up to be like this (long before the narcissist appeared in my life as an adult) I became a loving, true source to myself who knows how to generate her own life and survive.

As a result, I now can easily let go of those who abuse and pathologically lie, deceive or manipulate and know that I am my own source of love, who does not need to bargain with or cling to abuse for her survival.


Accepting Objectification and Minimalisation

As a result of not being recognised or connected to as myself by narcissists, and instead, being sexualised, objectified and treated as irrelevant or unimportant, I had to deeply look at the fractures within me generating this and accepting it as ‘okay’.

What I discovered were so many ways that I wasn’t accepting myself and not giving myself the space and power to truly shine. Instead of doing this I was shrinking and disappearing to feel safe.

There were many responsible beliefs deep in my DNA regarding this, such as ‘men can’t accept my True Self’, ‘I can’t be a shining light in a man’s presence’, ‘If I am my powerful self, I will be punished and even annihilated’, ‘It has to be all about other people or they will reject me’ and so many more.

I had to deeply hold and look at this or I was going to die.

So, I did.

After healing the deep fractures within my inner being which had set me up to be like this (long before narcissists appeared in my life as an adult), I was able to be more of myself in the presence of men than ever before. (Please know this one is still in progress, and I am putting much more effort into getting totally free of this one, even as we speak now!)


Financial Abuse and Loss

By being financially abused and losing all my security, I was confronted with my worst fears that I was unsafe and unless I had a certain amount of security, and a man looking after me that I would not survive.

I had to deeply hold and look at this or I was going to die.

So, I did.

As a result of coming face to face with my greatest survival terrors and being granted the opportunity to heal them. It was then that I stepped into my True Self function on this topic, which was that my worth and security was, in fact, ME and my connection with my Higher Power and all of life.

If it hadn’t been for narcissistic abuse, I would never have been set free from these deep and powerful security traumas and would have spent my life locked into fear, playing it safe and handing power over to others so that they could look after me.

I would never have been able to expand into the world as my own financial force, as I do now because I am emotionally free to.


Your Emancipation From Primal Terrors

Okay… I so hope this has granted you some deep and empowered inspiration to use your narcissistic experience as the springboard to catapult your incredible release and healing into your True Life and True Self trajectories, that are waiting for you to align with.

And I’m so looking forward to answering your comments and questions regarding this episode and exactly how you can achieve this!

And remember, after narcissistic abuse recovery, gloriously we take it further!


Because we CAN!

Lots of love, bye bye.


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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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26 Thoughts on How Narcissistic Abuse Led Me To Claim My True Self
    October 12, 2018

    Kudos! Best one ever. Gratitude is food for the soul. Wisdom the reward. Bless <3

    October 12, 2018

    Mel, this is a good video. Thank you. You have grown so much. Congrats. I feel like I have grown with you. Both my Dad and brother were abusive abs my husband emotionally left me. I have never really had a good male role model in my life. I have two amazing little boys and I am starting to feel like o can really do this. I have talents. I can survive and then thrive. I am on the verge but I need a push. I keep listening to your work. I still have anxiety in my chest so I need to heal more. I am so ready for a wonderful healthy career that I live and I am ready to meet a gentleman. Thanks for your work. You are my guardian angel. I ask the universe today for help 🦋

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 12, 2018

      Hi Andrea,

      We are all in this together lovely lady!

      Thank you and please know it truly is about targeting that trauma and getting it out.

      It’s the total key.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    October 12, 2018

    Thank you for giving me hope. I found out my mom is a narc Then I married one for six years. Now after being legally divorced for three years. And focusing on healing myself 100%. The fog is starting to lift. I learned along the way that my gift is health and fitness. That is my healing domain. Where I plan to share my gift with the world. I will become a personal trainer and live life on my terms. I also get healing from car shows and cruise nights and tapping into my creative powers in interior design. I have my AA Degree in that field. When I step into these areas I feel fresh water covering my body mind and soul. Washing away all of my pain and suffering. I am also rebuilding my friendships with new women in my life. I know I will find that special one sometime soon. Until then I just enjoy each day. For it is a gift from God.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 12, 2018

      Awww how lovely John you are connecting and breaking through into your True You.

      I love that you have taken the time to work on your own wholeness. It’s an important step that many people don’t do.

      Wishing you all the best in love and life.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    Sally Fryer
    October 12, 2018

    Dear Melanie,

    I have been following you for years, but this is the first time I’m commenting. Thanks for all the valuable advice. Fortunately I had been doing a lot of energetic work on myself, but it still took a while to ‘make the break’ which I did 5 years ago. However, I was still in telephonic contact with him (he lives 400km away). I finally broke that 2 months ago and was pleasantly surprised at how easy it was.
    My sister is currently going through a very messy divorce, financially and emotionally. It’s nice to be able to support her. I have forwarded her some of your blogs, but I don’t think she’s ready for this way of thinking just yet.
    Yes, this is work in progress; I still have some down days, but for most I am feeling optimistic about my life.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 13, 2018

      Hi Sally,

      Thank you for posting and you are very welcome.

      That’s wonderful that you have granted yourself the gift of No Contact.

      Sending you and your sister love and healing.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    Lorraine Wilcock
    October 12, 2018

    I always feel uplifted when I listen to your words they are powerful beyond measure …when truth is spoken it hits home deeply. I can only offer gratitude love and blessings. THANK YOU. X

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 13, 2018

      Awww Lorraine,

      Thank you for your lovely message which I feel uplifted by when I read it.

      Your blessings are beautiful and sending many to you too.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    Boudewien Bosma
    October 12, 2018

    Thank you so much Melanie for putting in words what still seems to bite me. Yet I do not want to say I am off track or something like that.Being aware the spiral is going up no matter what , cause I see it all around me , my real life is so ‘getting mine’ . I rather would like to believe it this way and say you’re good in shaking things up at ‘crossing’ moments :S ……
    You know meeting wonderful new people who feel very real to me and feeling the synchronicity of all , being able to take charge of myself anyhow , no matter what deep sad tragedy has been my share in life , and no matter of how things can be ‘ sticky’ some of the times, feels like ” thank God I can “!!
    Being able to reflect on what’s said here I feel the strength of big selftrust and selfrespect and I would like to tell myself your words you help us out with ..” as we grow as we evolve ,other wounds might come up , so keep going , keep healing , keep growing , keep thriving” . And that is not something to behave smart about ,…it simply is just so true xxx
    and it is so great to walk with .
    Thanks , good luck to you and all,
    love and respect

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 13, 2018

      Hi Boudewien,

      It is so true. It is a glorious ongoing journey – all with the good and the gristy bits!

      You’re doing an amazing job.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    October 12, 2018

    dear melanie,
    i cannot ever put in words how much your teachings and programs have helped me, even saved me.
    i am a single mother of a five year old girl who had the courage to walk away from an abusive marriage two years ago.
    for the whole 12 years of my marriage i knew that i was being abused, but never could quite call it quits.
    until i found you in the internet and downloaded your programs. then i was finally able to cut the cords and
    bow lead a healthy succesful life free from abuse and manipulation. parenting with a full blown narcissist is still
    a daily challenge and i am still at court with him, but my thinking is no longer clouded, my energy no longer
    restricted, my life has openend up and i can see the sun and the beauty of life in freedom.
    without you, i would have never made it. i went to counseling and therapy for years and understood intellectually what
    was going on, but only your NARP program could really move me from thinking to DOING SOMETHING about it.
    you are a beautiful soul and i am so very much looking forward to your upcoming book!
    lots of love,
    susanne from austria

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 13, 2018

      Awww Susanne,

      I am so happy for you and your daughter that you have got out and are doing so well.

      You are so welcome, yet I can only offer NARP to people, and they, like you, have to truly commit to the inner work.

      I am thrilled for you and your daughter and your future generations that you did.

      Sending much love and continued blessings to you and yours Dear Lady and thank you for your beautiful and inspirational post.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    October 13, 2018

    Hi Melanie, thank you so much for your clarity on this subject. For me it is also the fear and pain around exactly these 3 things that keep coming up time and time again although I have already made a lot of progress. So thank you so much for reminding us to continue healing these big 3, even if it feels like we have done the healing for this issue for the 100th time.
    Much love,

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 13, 2018

      Hi Maia,

      This is great this helped encourage you to keep going.

      I’d like to also help remind you that there is a wealth of insight and support to accelerate your healing in the NARP Forum.

      Connect in if you haven’t already!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    October 13, 2018

    Hey Mel, as usual your videos pop into my in box when I need to focus on something! I have been doing well, left crap island a year ago, swam to my new island and have been working on myself following your great advice. I feel I’ve moved on a lot, feel fine in myself, but for the last month or so have been having vivid emotional dreams, I’m with him always in these dreams, they are intense and I wake exhausted and have a ‘ dream hangover’ for a while after. I get what my brain is trying to do, but is this normal and will it stop? I thought I was content in my life now.

    Thanks for shining your light

    Dita x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 13, 2018

      Hi Dita,

      I’m so pleased this was timely for you. Certainly the traumas within which are getting our attention can come to us in dreams.

      When this happens if you are working with NARP you can pick up the trauma ‘the hangover’ and release it and heal the trauma that has surfaced.

      You are very welcome Dita and I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    October 14, 2018

    Amazing video. Resonated deeply with me. Thank you Mel, to me you are an angel in disguise.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 14, 2018

      Awww Seema,

      I’m so pleased you enjoyed it, and thank you for your beautiful words.

      They mean a lot to me.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    October 15, 2018

    Hello Melanie
    I have been a faithful viewer of your videos and your words have provided meaningful insights into my own enabling of a hellish narcissistic marriage experience. Pretty crushing to wake up to the realization that I have spent 30 years being married to a narcissist. This realization is still shocking to me and the feeling of lost investment is huge. At times, I am pretty upset with myself for not acting on the reality of my situation years ago but my hopes, beliefs and inner traumas kept me from seeing the truth. I even quit seeing my first counselor after session three because she called my husband a narcissist. I felt she was being judgemental and coming to conclusions too early in our relationship. After more than a year of counseling, I have arrived at the same conclusion.

    The last statement in your video reminded me that being with a narcissist for 30 years is also a reflection of strengths. Strengths that likely attracted the narcissist to me. My marriage has been hellish and yet I kept putting effort into the relationship and kept believing in the possibility of a better life while accepting he would not contribute unless he benefitted and would likely undermine benefits for me. All this time, I have been giving him credit for my work and taking responsibility for his inadequacies. I am leaving the relationship and it symbolically feels like a step out of quicksand. I never thought about my strengths in the relationship and now how these strengths that kept me surviving will now belong to me. I have so many fears and financial is the biggest. Once I unplug my husband there will be plenty of power for me.

    October 16, 2018

    I was triggered yesterday by my narc ex during kid switch. Resentment and anger boiled over in me. When I have those moments, I feel like it will never end. Thank you for saying that you are still working through some of this. It helps to know I am not alone, and gives me the urge I need to push forward, dig deeper and work on the triggers. Some days I feel so powerful and others I backtrack into despair. Thank you for being here and doing this work, so we can all learn from you.

    Vicki Rebecca
    October 17, 2018

    Nice one Meanie – with you on 1 and 2 – 3 not so much but even that led to cufion – thanks so much for shing the light an dhelping us wake up 🙂

    October 30, 2018

    Hi Melanie. I am forever grateful I found your Youtube channel and website. I was with a narc for 13 years (together for 8, married for 5). It has been over a year since we were separated and divorced, a year since I took the courage to get an OOP and protect myself and our 5 year old daughter. He had become more borderline physically abusive to us. It is hard since he is still in our lives, he sees our daughter on a limited, supervised basis and has facetime calls with her almost daily. Just hearing his voice would invoke all those feelings again, pain, torment, etc. just as how I felt when we were still together. I have been trying hard to heal, but feeling like I was just coping, surviving, doing what I have to do and just going through the days on auto pilot. I want to be ok, truly ok and happy. I started to try to go back to childhood, trying to see what wounds I have, trying to heal them so I can move on. My dad, even though he was there, I had no relationship with him. He barely was home, always worked. He was a provider, a father in that sense, but not a dad. He barely talked to me or my sister and if and when he did, it was to criticize us for what we were watching, wearing, doing, etc. He never hugged us, was never loving or affectionate, never accepting of us or encouraging. I felt like nothing I did was right or good enough for him, and I so wanted his approval. I didn’t really know how a dad was supposed to be, but when I saw how my cousins’ dad was with his daughters, who were our age, I realized how a dad could or should be, or at least what I wish I had. He called them his princesses, spoke kindly to them, talked to them, hugged them, etc. We just had a fear and dread being in our dad’s presence, like walking on egg shells. When we would hear the key in the door and he was coming home from work, we would hide in our bedroom and not come out until he fell asleep or went to bed. I realized that in my relationship with my ex, I felt that same way after the love bombing stage. I know I still have a lot of work to do, but I feel like realizing these things is a start. I hope to heal my inner wounds and child so I can thrive and I know your resources and videos will help me get there. Thank you!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 30, 2018

      Hi Nadia,

      Thank you for your post and I am so pleased that my information and resources are helping you.

      That is so true that we replay what is within that is unconscious and unhealed and out liberation lies in finding, releasing and uplevelling from this original traumas.

      So it is great that you have connected the dots!

      Have you checked out my inner transformational resources? They are key to midwife your subconscious programming breakthroughs.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

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