Today I want to talk about the ways that narcissists target and ensnare their victims for not just narcissistic supply – but Grade A supply.
What is Grade A narcissistic supply?
Reactions from others that are powered up with the MOST emotional energy.
Most people don’t want BIG and CRAZY emotional responses from people, yet narcissists thrive on it! I know you may find that incredible … but, you see, we don’t think like narcissists do.
To the average person drama, ridiculousness, mayhem and turmoil are not desired goals. To a narcissist – shockingly enough – they are.
What is the purpose of creating so much disruption and devastation? It grants the attention that makes a narcissist believe they are significant.
A narcissist is flat line. They don’t have a functioning Inner Self, because the False Self, which is the narcissistic, constructed fictitious character that they believe, is special in the world, has replaced it.
This false narrative provides the narcissist with the pantomime of imagining themselves as Intelligent … Attractive … Powerful … Astounding.
This is the narcissist pretending to be the person they would like to be, in stark contrast to how the narcissist really feels about themselves, which is the self-loathing of feeling dead, empty, irrelevant and defective on the inside.
The “gap” is pretty huge and needs constant “reassurance” to keep up the fiction. This is why the narcissist chases “attention”. The best attention is laced with another human being’s intense emotional reaction.
This is not just desired by a narcissist, it is essential to offset the descent into the gaping black inner landscape of insignificance that threatens to swallow them whole, without narcissistic supply.
Narcissists are as hooked on narcissistic supply as the most deviant addict, it’s the one thing they chase frenetically to emotionally self-avoid and self-medicate.
Let’s look at 12 common ways they do this to get the best of the best narcissistic supply.
#1 – Love Bombing
In the beginning stages with a narcissist, they will appear to be everything you have ever wanted. Kind, caring, attentive. They will see what is missing in your life, emotionally and/or practically and start to supply it in droves.
This inspires your gushing gratitude, devotion and allegiance. It also may allow this person to enter and become an embedded fixture in your life, which narcissist need to do, in order to 1) continue to regulate narcissistic supply and 2) in the future dump their rageful Inner Self onto someone close to them who is too hooked to leave.
#2 – Start Withdrawing What They Were Providing
A narcissist will start to withhold what it was that they were originally granting so liberally to you. This could be their attention, love and care. It may be practical or financial support.
Initially, you will make allowances for this person, until it gets too obvious and painful and then you will start reacting. The narcissist may lie about why they are doing this now, or spin it back on you saying you are imaging things, or blame you in some demeaning, confusing or inflammatory way for why this is happening.
You start being emotionally affected. Bingo – you are now hooked, being emotionally affected, granting the narcissist the emotional drama to confirm his or her existence.
#3 – Devise Unrealistic Or Cruel Payoffs
Once a narcissist knows you are hooked, he or she can start making “deals”, which of course are all brokered in the narcissist’s favour.
Maybe he or she wants an open relationship or some other perverse sexual experience. Or access to your home, bank account or resources. Maybe he or she threatens to leave if you don’t agree to marriage or the signing over of something. Perhaps it is the limiting and controlling of who you can see, and what you can and can’t do in your free time.
Not only are these things violations, but they are also direct assaults on your soul. You know it. You feel it and you react.
This is Grade A narcissistic supply because as you fight for your Soul given rights to be free and true to yourself, the narcissist gleefully knows you are emotionally hooked (dependent) and can be messed with.
Either way, the narcissist wins. If you fight back they get the emotional kick from your pain, anger or fear; or if you give in they get the heady ego-trip of being in control of you.
#4 – Starting An Argument
There are very few limits with narcissists when conversing. The means justifies the end game. If a narcissist’s False Self has decided that it needs a hit of significance or to punish you because you didn’t live up to something the narcissist’s False Self demanded from you – then an argument can erupt.
He or she knows what makes you tick.
It could be a conversation designed to incite jealousy, insecurity, confusion, or feeling abused.
You react, and again the narcissist gets exactly what he or she is after, seeing you emotionally disturbed, which makes them feel like they are the controller of your emotional Universe.
#5 – Going Missing In Action
Any addict, when low on a drug, has to go get some. If you are engaged in your own life without the narcissist feeling like they control it, or you are paying someone else too much attention (this could be anyone at all it doesn’t have to be a romantic threat), he or she will take off to get narcissistic supply elsewhere and absolutely could be up to no good.
Apart from getting a feed of supply, much of this will be purposeful cruel payback.
This is a tactic to get your attention back on the narcissist again, determinedly (how dare you remove it). The narcissist may further punish you by turning off their phone and being uncontactable.
This grants the narcissist the added narcissistic supply bonus of showing people your frantic messages, and spinning the story of you being the “crazy person.”
#6 – Denying Having The Conversation
Nothing much makes people madder than someone saying, “I never said that” when you both know they did. A narcissist will look you straight in the eye and say this never happened and you have it wrong.
You start to wonder if you should record all future conversations (trust me this won’t work at all either).
Being barefaced lied to is a massive trigger for most people which is why this works to extract Grade A narcissistic supply extremely well.
#7 – Pulling the Rug Out From Under You
One of the greatest ways a narcissist can set you up for narcissistic supply is to let you down. Maybe it is an offer of help, that you relied upon which was withdrawn at the last minute, or done so haphazardly and carelessly its created even bigger problems for you.
It could be a promise to meet you for dinner, go away with you, or grant you some cherished desire, that is forgotten about or withdrawn – often at the last moment.
The results are devastating. To add insult to injury the narcissist will give you lame excuses and blame you for their actions.
You are incensed and even heartbroken – again granting the narcissist Grade A narcissistic supply.
#8 – Abandonment
Many of us know that this is one of the biggest trigger cards a narcissist can play. Telling you that they don’t know whether they love you, or want to be with you. Or it could just be a cold – “It’s over.”
Or, maybe the narcissist walks out the door saying, “You will never hear from me again.”
This may come when you didn’t see it coming and often comes when you need them most. You may be triggered into a terrified inner child wound where you plead, cry, chase after and hand over copious amounts of narcissistic supply. As well as surrendering all of your rights and values trying to do anything to retain the narcissist’s disgraceful version of conditional on/off “love”.
Of course, for the narcissist, this is Grade A supply at its finest.
#9 – Replacing You
Many a narcissist creates a scripted public production with their new supply. Appearing on social media in all their glory.
Retaining conversations with you, making contact with you, rubbing this person in your face and making you feel the utter anguish of this new person getting what you believed should have been yours, is a way to hurt you significantly.
It’s beyond cruel and is specifically designed to grant a narcissist copious narcissistic Grade A supply.
#10 – Feigning Illness/Helplessness
This tactic is one that narcissistic women often use on men (there are narcissistic men that use it too on women who feel over-responsible and guilty). Appealing to someone’s sense of care or protectiveness is a way to manipulate and regulate narcissistic supply, especially when the non-narcissistic person has something organised for themselves, or is thinking about leaving.
#11 – Smearing And Abusing By Proxy
Narcissists can say the most disgusting untrue things about you (usually the projection of what he or she does) and can get authorities or minions to attack you on their behalf.
There is an old saying, “Don’t roll in the mud with a pig, because you’ll get dirty and the pig loves it.”
Narcissists are thrilled when you enter their inverted deranged battlefield emotionally triggered and trying to fight back. This is the optimal position for him or her to continue abusing you as well as further demean you to authorities and others.
The Grade A supply, attention, significance and vengeance the narcissist receives from this is immense.
#12 – Sending You To The Brink
I know that it is horrific to imagine but I really want you to know that this is true – the ultimate badge of significance for a narcissist is the knowing they affected you significantly enough that you went over the edge.
I promise you that over the years in this community I have heard narcissists admit how much pride they had for having previous people institutionalised and even committing suicide over them.
Here we really are talking about narcissistic psychopathy – which is devoid of anything we know to be human or humane.
In Conclusion
Regardless of whether the narcissist in your life is capable of being that sub-human, you know things are NOT right and they are NOT normal.
I hope you understand that the more you react to the disordered behaviour the more power, energy and Life Force you hand away.
Get this – that is what this is all about! Feeding off your energy, because a narcissist can’t generate any of their own emotional Life Force. They HAVE to be parasites and feed off of other people.
That to them – is what EVERY relationship is REALLY about.
The only way to “beat” these people is to completely detach and heal. The greatest insult to a narcissist is, “you are no longer my reality.”
If this has helped wake you up to what is really going on, then it is time for you to exit this nightmare and heal. I can’t recommend enough that you check out the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP).
You may have heard many people talk about the astounding results they have had using NARP. This is because it breaks the emotional connection with a narcissist powerfully and quickly, and lands you back in the driver’s seat of “yourself”, so that you take your Soul, sanity and life back.
As always, I am very much looking forward to your comments and questions below.
What if the narcissists are astral and they invade my psychic energy field of consciousness ? How can I get rid of them?
Black tourmaline is good protection against psychic invasion. I wear it and carry it with me all of the time since I have the same problem with a narcissist.
What are the signs and symptoms of this? I ask because I think it happened to me years ago.
My comment above was to Heather btw
Wow. Good one!
Wow Melanie…you nailed it. I love having someone I dont know, who knows my experience…you are very comforting to me xo
I need help, but he has taken away financial support so I am very low on funds now. It gives me a lot of strength to read your articles, as I am trying my best to deal with an ace player who is causing me extreme anxiety,
In some states, like Pennsylvania, you are protected from being evicted, because of financial abuse. Financial abuse is considered domestic abuse.
I have recently left my husband of 10 years. It has been the worst 10 years of my life. I have read several of your blogs and his behavior smacks of narcissism. Yet, a therapist suggested his cruel, often bizarre behaviour was due to autism. Once that suggestion was made he blamed his behaviour on the fact he was autistic. I’m so glad I left, but I am still confused is he a narcissist or is he autistic?
Hi Mary,
It doesn’t matter whether he is autistic or narcissistic.
What matters is that he is cruel. You are not required to hang in there and put up with abuse because of his underlying affliction.
You do not owe him your suffering. You owe yourself the resolve to be treated well, and if he can’t or won’t do that, you owe it to yourself to leave.
My son in law pointed out that he thought his wife, my daughter, may be autistic in part due to her complete lack of empathy. She is in fact her father’s daughter a complete narcissist. They are cruel to the extreme, cannot be reasoned with and take no responsibility for their outrageous lies or actions. Impossible to deal with, I walked away from him 30 years ago, he cleaned me out of course!, now time has come to do it to my 40 year old daughter, walk away. Wicked people.
Hey, for sure my husband is a narcissist. My psychiatrist classified him as such… he’s also showing many signs of psychopathy. However, I’ve noticed traits in him that yes, make me think he’s also autistic… at least on the spectrum. He has attention deficit problems…. he admits he’s slow. I have to repeat things at least 3 times. Maybe he does this to annoy me….. but I wonder if this has been researched. Anyone?
so while you are detaching there is a 3 year old child involved. What happens to him.
I know what you mean. We have three beautiful grandchildren. What happens to them?
Narcs get bored of parenting. As soon as the ability to stop posing as a parent and how wonderful I am as a parent opportunity stops, they stop caring for the child in ENTIRETY. They will only want to be involved with children if they can be looked at with adoring eyes either by onlookers or the child themselves.
My experience 100 %
So true Josephine. It’s always about them even when its their own child. Narcs have nothing give, nothing to offer.
Spot on Josephine, their ability to fool people is fantastic- for a while anyway. If the fooled people are in a continued, often communicating interaction, then the narcs true being will eventually become the obvious one to those people. So I try not to care if they are just fleeting, one off, big noting pretend episodes. Can’t really hold the people being fooled to any account and I’ve found that that no good comes from explaining the narcs true colours either. The only people who can understand what a narc is and how they operate, are people who have been on the receiving end of a narcs tactics and have come to the realisation of what they have been experiencing. We have to not care about that, hard as it is.
It helps me to not get dragged into attempting to tell the truth to the people the narc is pretending to impress by knowing that in the end, the narcs true colours will always shine. Time takes care of it and they do it all by themselves.
Ha
This is exactly spot on! My ex made a big song and dance about access to the children and engaged a solicitor to push me into parenting plans. He expected me to fight over it. I agreed and when it came time for him to start contacting his kids, he was MIA and has been since.
Dear Melanie, my boyfriend is a narcissist. He’s currently thinking about if he wants to be with me or see other people. I asked him to leave in a moment of anger over a pornographic photo of him & who he claims is an ex. I packed up his things & never dropped them off. Now he comes & goes as he pleases. I know this arrangement isn’t fair. But I’m struggling now as I don’t want him out of my life. Even though I should.
Hi Permioney,
My heart goes out to you. Please know that virtually all of us without exception ended up handing over our values and truths, because of this terrible and intense trauma bonding and addiction that happens within our inner being to narcissists.
I know it doesn’t make sense! And I know, that you logically know that in no way should you be handing away your boundaries like this, but yet there is a deep triggered part of you that feels like you can’t live without him.
Please know myself, and virtually this entire community understand exactly what this is about.
I can’t recommend enough to you to turn inwards and do the inner work to reclaim this trauma-bonded part of yourself that is handing power away to him and literally leading to your emotional demise.
Permioney, there is a hard and then a much easier way to do this. The first which is intensely difficult if not near impossible, is to just try and logically keep yourself away from him and recover. This often doesn’t work and is why so many people keep letting narcissist back into their life, regardless of how much abuse they sustain. I promise you this happen to me as well.
The next way to break free is with my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp because this takes you to the inner journey to love and heal yourself back to wholeness in very powerful and direct ways, so that that broken part of yours, heals so that you feel solid on the inside, where you feel no compulsion, addiction or pull towards him at all anymore.
Then not only will you break free from him, but also be able to navigate future relationships healthily and not get involved with somebody like this again.
I hope that this gives you hope, and I want you to know that there is a real solution for you to get out of this nightmare.
Again this is NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
I so hope that this can help you.
Sending love, strength and healing
Mel 🙏💕💚
NARCISSISTIC PSYCHOPATHY I know that about the female parent and proxy and all and sundry. The point i need to make is that i have known all this time that i have never been any of the smear campaigning in aftermath with the AUTHORITY and sundry used to put me in a institution. I know i never needed a diagnosis nor prognosis while institutionalized. I know that i was being compassion hoaxed by her and more grossly harmed by all others. I know that i was not at fault for any of the utter destruction of my life and limb. I only know this now. I was not able to act in my self defense from the dessicrating from early infancy on up till then. Abandonment parental to infant gaslighting and the proxy committing assault and battery while simultaneously insisting my victimization proves the delusional assaults and my being battered “JUSTIFIED” ! !!!! NO ❗👀 the acts were never justified!!! These are some of the harms done to me. A child does not have the wherewithal to pull up and get out of town, “WRONGTOWN”. I recently had come to the conclusion that my parent (she died of her narcissism 20 years ago) was a full blown “PSYCHOPATH”. And, do you know what, i may be the only one that knows this. And she will never come out of her non human , inhumane ego driven dark agenda that killed her. But she will, nor will any of her proxy PAY FOR THE UTTER ULTIMATE ruins and destruction of my time and resources. After her and the individuals that joined her in the very rants you mentioned about how “wise” these PSYCHOPATHs get , exactly what they said the same as you placed in this post and other aspersions, before and after the hideous and crippling acts taken on me one bedroom night in the room my parents gave me 16 years earlier. While I was sleeping, an ASSAULT of a sexual nature that was more HORRIBLE and SCARY and FRIGHTENING than any other assault and battery (no charges were ever taken on any of these criminals -not civil or federal offense) what she did is the most HEINOUS crime ever taken on me and done so that i don’t know from the neck up exactly what was done to me. The perpetrator or perpetrators did leave clues on my privates. And did victimize me on the spot upon awakening me. My female parent (MONSTER) did return from her job very much earlier than usual to find me in dredfull need of nurturing. By this time in my 2 decades of life i had already been diminished to the total, humiliated and condemned and damned by this non-human-psychopath. As she rounded the corner inside the house to where i wound up after the violent assault i never saw happen, this humanoid objectifying feminist misanthrope began being verbally and at that time ,not physically as she had been previously, vigorously cruel intending to insist my being childish. The actual picture is she never attended to her primary moral responsibility to her children (protect, teach, respect). To her very end of her life i did not waver from expecting her to be what she never was. For her to “BE THERE FOR ME”😥😞😔☹️😦. As i look at what i have typed here i realize that the whole picture isn’t here for anyone to see it. But it is enough to put forth the PARENT CHILD BETRAYAL AT THE DEEPEST CONFIDENCE LEVEL. Devide to conquer her own child while portraying herself as the all knowing owner of the “property” child. To dispose of at will and make the victim the “PROBLEM” to All and sundry.
Ouch! I wish you much healing. Melanie’s material has helped me immensely, and I wish the same for you. My mother, who I love, is still on planet Earth, and creating turmoil, disharmony, and chaos, even though her faculties are waning, right now. I do not know what to do, because I care about her.
Hi William,
sending you continued Love with your Healing journey.
You have been doing an incredible job with NARP and you should be really proud of yourself.
Mel 🙏💕💚
It is good to go public sometime, just to feel the loving healing support that surrounds you.
Feel for you so much. Blessings man.
[email protected] My brother lived this, this is awful. He never told me but I put the pieces together. In this case, human Justice will never be involved, we have to wait for the next life in Christ.
“— this humanoid objectifying feminist misanthrope “
My heart goes out to you William for the abuse you withstood from your mother.
You are in a good community here with NARP, one that can support you during the difficult process of healing profound wounds you describe.
But please don’t use “feminist” as an insult, William.
Reality check: Feminists support HUMAN rights for women and men.
Every word of this has been true for me. EVERYTHING! The only place I was able to survive, without question, was when he tried to “drive” me crazy and then tried to convince me I was. Because my Mother had already done this full-blown Narcissist truck ti me as I grew up, I was skilled enough not to fall for it. Having said that, by the time I left for good, no contact, I could not put 2 thoughts together. My brain was in a “swim”. But I was able to validate myself. It took me 4-5 yrs to get myself back and I’ve never been the same as before I met him. I can not/will not ever look back. My healing started right then and continues, 7 yrs later, through the NARP Program 💕🌟👍🥰
Hi Beverly,
That’s great that this resonates with you.
I’m so thrilled that you are working with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp , and claiming your True Self and True Life.
You deserve it lovely lady!
Much Love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Every single 12 step he has done to me, l am ashamed to say he ghosts me & l fall for it every time, l end up going around & yelling at him & he says ” l don’t want to talk, l can’t do this anymore”. I want to have my life back, how do l do th a t, when it is the hardest thing to stay away
Hi Shelley,
I really want you to know from the bottom of my heart there are deeper reasons why we get hooked, think we should know better, but keep getting dragged into the same situations and abuse over and over again.
Your true emancipation is to discover and clear out of yourself those unconscious reasons that are keeping you trauma bonded to this.
That is exactly what my deep inner work does, is grant you the ability in fast, direct and powerful ways to make that shift into your liberation and rreedom from this, so that you can take your power back.
My greatest and most successful resource for you to be able to heal in REAL ways is my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program NARP.
please see the link to this here http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
I really hope that this can help you, and sending you Love, healing and breakthroughs
Mel 🙏💕💚
Both my mother and my husband were narcissistic. My life was lonely, complex, and beyond my control. I did not understand that no matter how hard I tried to please them, I was never good enough. They are both dead now and at the age of 87 I am trying to heal and learn who I really am. The articles by Melanie have made it possible for me to recover from lots of hurt and pain, but also to understand how and why of the actions and reactions in my relationships. Our 4 sons were also affected .
Hi Lucile,
That’s so great that you know now what that Hook was, and to no longer keep participating.
Sending you Love and blessings
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thank you for sharing this it validates most of my experience with a narcissist . I am so grateful to have him out of my life for 7 years now .
I kept no contact and his attempts to hoover failed i believe he gave up because he was no longer able to trigger me .
At the time you helped me so much i was paralyzed by the experience and left feeling numb reading your recovery E mails saved me . Thanks from the bottom of my heart ❤️
Hi Pam,
that’s wonderful that this validated you.
Please know how welcome you are, and I am sending you continued Love and healing.
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thank you Melanie. You have helped me understand so much about Narcissistic abuse. I got into a relationship with a Narcissist at first the love bombing was amazing I felt like he had been made for me. And then it fell apart he constantly accused me of cheating would make me beg & tell him I needed him. Called me a child, useless, pathetic. Blocked me unblocked. Asked me how far I would go to keep him. Told me what to wear. I became an insomniac & was diagnosed with severe depression. There were horrendous sex acts.I begged him if we were to finish that we’d so it in an adult way. He laughed at me and said he’d do it in the cruelest way. Things got so bad I was institutionalized for a month. I tried take my life 3 times. And then he hoovered me. And I went back. My grandmother was dying & I told him I couldn’t meet him so he blocked me again. My head was so messed with at that stage I actually blamed myself. He said ‘Good luck with your next victim, you thought I was a fool’ he claimed to be the victim when all I did was love him but it seemed the more I did the more he hurt me. And then he disappeared reappearing 2 months later with a brand new fiancé paraded all over social media. That again hurt. And then last year he hoovered again claiming the fiancé was beating him. No explanation as to why he disappeared.
I will never understand how any person could be so cruel to another. They truly are sub human but again Melanie thank you. You have made me realize no matter what I did he never truly loved me & it was never my fault.
Hi Jen,
My heart goes out to you for everything that you’ve been through.
I want you to know with every fibre of my soul that the deeper reason for this, for all of us, is to come home to healing and loving ourselves.
Jen, I would love you to check out my free three keys workshop, which I know can help you immensely to get your healing started and reclaim your soul and your life, better than ever, even before this happened to you.
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
So much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
All of this is true. It not only happens in intimate relationships, it can happen on the job as well. I hired a person that needed to know everything that was going on at work, all about the disgruntled employees, the dysfunctions of the program, the most frustrating aspects of the work we do. That was what I now know to be “hoovering”. All of this seemed like a legitimate way of becoming a part of the team. The “love bombing” was a phase of flattery and accolades of how I took care of business and my negotiating skills, etc. That was followed by blame shifting, treating people with disrespect, stonewalling, the gaslighting, criticism and passive aggressive behaviors. The energy spent trying to correct these behaviors was exhausting. Once I realized this was all part of a sick game and being educated on the narcissistic behavior patterns that Melanie’s teaching focuses on, I was able to see it for what it was. If you insert “co-worker” in place of a romantic partner, these 12 ways a narcissist gets supply is easy to see. Their manipulation doesn’t stop with intimate partners, it pertains to every part of their life. Be aware of the co-worker, the employee and the staff members around you that exhibit these traits. The damage they do can ruin a person’s career if you aren’t careful. I found the initial interactions with this person to be a familiar pattern, unbeknownst to me at the time due to being in an intimate relationship with a narcissist for the past 35 years. I am currently trying to rid myself of both of the narcissists in my life. It hasn’t been easy, but with insight like that Melanie provides, I see it now where before I had no idea why I felt as though I was losing my mind.
Hi Alan,
You are 100% correct that absolutely this can be a narcissist’s behaviour from any walk of life, so thank you for your share!
It’s so great that you are getting clearer with all of this, and cleansing yourself from these people once and for all.
Sending you Love and blessings
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hello Mellany, thank you so much for this article. It is so much saying all that is going on in my family, it helps me again to see everything in the right perspective. I am so much strugling to stay free! But more and more I experience healing. Also I am so much hurting for my brother and sister, they suffer also so much. My brother is listening when I speak about narsisistic abuse, but my sister is totaly in denial and is the biggest victim of it all.
Hi Dineke,
It’s my pleasure!
Please know how much I’d love to invite you into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar where I can explain how to heal directly, powerfully and quickly, and help guide you on to that path.
You deserve to heal without the struggle!
So much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Melanie,
I just wanted to thank you for all the incredible information you provide people. I didnt understand who and what i dealing with until your articles explained why he acted and treated everyone the way he did. I finally successfully escaped four years ago with our son. We have had no contact. Keep up the amazing work!!!
Hi Terry,
please know how welcome you are.
Great work for breaking away and staying away!
Love and blessings to you and your son.
Mel 🙏💕💚
I began NARP five years ago. 2 of those years I was in self imposed isolation. I did so, with the help of NARP to clean up my emotional life. I can now see and say, that the life, mindset and emotional attachment that I have now is nowhere near, what it was prior. Beautifully healthy and not withstanding confusion and chaos THROUGH another person. Thank god and thank god for NARP. I will never be what I was, accepting the familiar abuse patterns of my prior life.
Hi Josephine,
I’m so thrilled to hear about your success with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
Congratulations for doing the inner work and liberating yourself to this level!
Much Love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thank you Melanie, your thriver articles always come at the right time. I have experienced all of these 12 ways with the narcissist that I’ve been with for 26 years. Over the last few days he’s been giving me and my eight year old son the silent treatment. A few days ago, when all was peaceful, it seemed as if he was saying things, remarks to get me upset and I was determined to not let it get to me until the end of the night I took the bait and got upset with him and told him off, he then yelled at me accusing me of something that is not true and he knows it. He has been in a bad mood with me about it and I ask what’s his problem he says (yells angrily) he hasn’t got a problem and it is me that is in a bad mood. I tell him I’m not but he just won’t listen. I ask him to stop his anger and silent treatment and he says its me doing it all. When I approach him to talk he uses it as an opportunity to verbally blast me about how I am a trouble maker and I’m always upset and how I cause the problems and how I treat him like crap for disturbing his tv watching time for wanting to talk. I can’t even get a word in to explain that I don’t want to argue, only talk to resolve. He doesn’t want to resolve. He must like it this way. I guess he can get away with treating me bad because I have no support or family nearby. I don’t know how to cope with it. He continually threatens me that one day my world will crumble. I’m devastated and in tears all the time. This behaviour of the narc happens too often. Its so frustrating when he puts our life on hold like this. but he seems to be able to get on with things as normal, whilst I am devastated. Melanie your videos and articles are the one thing that gets me through and gives me hope.. Thank god for you.
Hi Wendy,
I’m really happy that these are timely for you!
Wendy, I want to appeal to you with all my heart to come to my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar.
The reason being that this will help you unravel this and get to the bottom of why (which is of course totally understandable) you are hooked in and he can keep baiting you like this.
Then you will be able to get a shift to start detaching and take your power and your soul back.
This is going to be essential for you to be able to not just survive this, but be able to break away and shape and form the life for you and your son which is healthy.
It’s your time to heal Wendy, and I know how much this free webinar can help you step onto the path to that.
I hope that this helps, and much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Amen to all of this Mel —- truth is told in all aspects
We can heal they never will ❤️❤️❤️
This is 100% correct Faye,
Bless!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Mel, what made him irresistible was the combination of like minds, identical cultural/religious backgrounds, the same wherewithal and a shared energy for fun, nightlight, travel, and geographic proximity. In our 70’s we were naturally attracted or so it seemed. We laughed a lot and even had a compatible sex life which was hard at first to achieve but both worked at it to great common satisfaction. The “creep” of narcissistic abuse was impossible for me to calculate.First a blue-sky accusation. Then withholding, gaslighting, abandonment. I warned he was losing me and that the extreme highs and lows were unhealthy for me. This only caused more strife as you’ve described. Until the final trip away by himself for Christmas and New Year last year. No doubt the solidification of the new relationship in another state. He hoovered on his return. I said, “I want a clean break” and haven’t spoken to or seen him since. It’s been the hardest year of my life. Thank you Mel for helping me turn a corner on this when nothing else could.
Wow! Good one! All of these have been true for me except #8 – Abandonment. Hmmm – wouldn’t that be nice? Maybe that is why he doesn’t do it. I do have a friend that at one time had a spouse that would up and leave for long periods of time. He catered to the situation for years. Finally she did it once too often – leaving him and the kids. He changed the locks and she had to find new supply.
Old gosh Julia,
this is so true, narcissists don’t do the thing that you want!
If you want them to leave, then I will make sure that they stay!
However, once you heal and empower yourself, that’s when it gets really easy to keep them to the curb.
Sending you Love and power
Mel 🙏💕💚
I have, at least, 5 narcissist, hounding me constantly. They are going to be reported. One stole my identity, through renter’s insurance, after an arson attempt. Another illegally changed my address, with the phone company & joint acct., as well the health care. I lost 1,000’s. I do believe, either the phone company or one of the narcissist is trying to break into my email acct. I’m going to the police & to the FTC for Identity theft.
I’ve got 8/12. It feels like you’re talking about my boyfriend all the time. All the time. I know it’s hopeless to think or hope that he will understand, change or show any accountibility. Some respect. I repeat to myself everyday, everytime I have to listen to his BS “detach, you need to detach” “don’t feed his ego”.
Hi Debbie,
I really want to help you know that if you do the deep healing on this, then you will be completely cut free. There will be no need for you to try to keep reminding yourself over and over. The connection to him and the trauma of what happened simply won’t be there.
You will have all the resolution that you need!
Have you heard of my powerful healing program the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP)?
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
I can’t recommend NARP enough to set you free, permanently and magnificently.
I hope that this helps.
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Melanie
My new and amazing partner recommended your article to me as I am currently trying to heal from a narcissist relationship but this person is still in my life becuase we co-own a dog who I love more than life itself. It doesn’t matter what I do, be neutral, be strict, be kind and friendly, she is still getting supply from me becuase of the dog, who adores us both. I am trying to work out ways to protect myself from being drawn in. My current approach, I call it doing a “Loralie Gilmore” (it’s how Loralie handles her controlling mother, with amusement) is now making her think she can be “my friend” and get me involved in her life. I am at my wits end. I have even considered handing her over our dog and never seeing our dog again to get her out of my life but I worry for my dog (who is really like my baby/best friend/companion) as I have to still monitor the dogs well-being when she has her and I just don’t want to give my baby dog up.
Hi Li,
That is so nice of your new partner!
Can you offer to buy out her portion of the dog? Sometimes with these people money can talk.
If not, then as hard as it is you may have to let the dog go, in order to completely free your soul.
I know of circumstances where people have done this, and then the narcissist has returned the dog because they really don’t want the full-time care.
Sending you Love, healing and blessings in this difficult decision
Mel 🙏💕💚
I’m totally surrounded by Narcissists, everyday one of them causes me extreme anxiety and depression, every day, and that’s because my partner is a Narc and he draws other Narcs to him. It takes one to know one, and he certainly knows one. Interesting that he rejects good hearted people, real people, who have the Care Gene, he hates them and only has Narcs in his life who are all devoid of the Care Gene. So this week I’m particularly in a bad way as for the last 3 weeks I’ve dealt with 3 Narcs, one a week, and their drama they thrive on. My partners name Palmer rhymes with drama. I’m sure he knows exactly what he’s up to although he denies it, but then he denies everything. He’s the classic Narc – deny, deflect, dismiss, devalue. I know he knows he’s not fully human, and thats why he’s so cruel, because one: he’s incapable of being human because he lacks the Care Gene and two, because he lacks the Care Gene he is evil and evil is evil to real humans, thats just the way they are, just the way a spider is a spider and can’t be a snake and a snake is a snake and can’t be a dog. I’m almost dead after a lifetime of evil Narcs cruelty. I hope I can survive this latest round of Narc drama and intense inhuman actions but as its been three weeks of solid evil Narc abuse Im feeling really bad inside like my soul is about to collapse.
Wow! You have writer talent, continue with this!
Hi Jacqueline,
That is so awful what you are going through. I’m sending you Love and healing through cyberspace.
Jacqueline as hard as it is, the only way out is through. To detach from them, turn inwards and heal.
I want to send you the link to my free 16-day course, which is supportive emails every day that can start unravelling this and delivering you home to your own soul.
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
I hope that this can help
Mel 🙏💕💚
I wish I could believe this. He degrades me to the point of wanting to kill myself….then when I start getting stronger and standing up for myself, he backs off and treats me well. This makes me feel like the problem must be me….if I would just be strong and speak up all would be well. But I know this isn’t true because sometimes he’ll blow up at my reaction and say I am crazy and to calm down. Ugh.
Deanna, Melanie said also that many of us fall to the Narc proximity again, nothing to be ashamed of. The goal is to detach. It is true that I liked the Narp programme and as I pay monthly fee to Melanie for some time, it feels well, because for all this advice I am glad to provide something back. This is sound. I am very sad to watch that Inner Integration and Une Psy a la maison have sort of broken, it is much better if our counsellors are practical like Melanie. I like Narp, it took me long time to subscribe before I was convinced. The point is, Deanna, that it is ok to harm oneself again and again, but the final purpose must be liberation of the Narc. It feels lonely at first but so rewarding after some time. Melanie, why are the colours gone from videos? I like you anyway, of course, just wondering.
Hi Deanna,
please know that being enmeshed in narcissistic relationships is incredibly confusing and disempowering. My heart goes out to you.
I would love to encourage you to come to my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar so that you can start to get your head around this, and some clarity as well as build your power back.
Truly, recovery at this level is an inside job, and this is what this free resource can help connect you to.
I hope this helps.
Sending you strength and healing
Mel 🙏💕💚
Dear Melanie, I was in what I thought was a sincere relationship for over 9 months. I fell in love. She treated me with love, respect and care. Never said she loved me yet I told her I did. Stayed at her place countless times. Gave me a key to her place. I did anything and everything for her from my heart. I questioned a few things at times and that got her quiet and non responsive, yet they weren’t meant the way she thought. She visited family north and wouldn’t talk or even tell me when she was returning. This is someone that I communicated with daily and shared all. No calls answered no nothing until a text saying we had a nice relationship but your not the guy for me ? I was blindsided. No respect to have any conversation despite a very loving relationship and said come get your things I’ll leave them outside and leave my key., She absolutely didn’t want to talk. A few days after her return she’s on a dating site. A few days later I’m shopping and who’s walking towards me with another man ! I was dumbfounded. I said nothing, yet she looked at me and said hello ! and walked by with my heart in my stomach. 2 days later I have detectives show up at my door and arrest me for harassment? I forgot to mention that she actually works for the police. I did nothing wrong and honestly and sincerely all I wanted was a mature conversation to clarify any issues not to be ignored or go to the length she did. That destroyed me and hurts me beyond belief. I’m not a teenager. I’m 56 and I’m having a very hard time trying to understand how someone that says and has shown love and care can easily flip a switch, cast one aside like they’ve never meant anything when all’s you did was show love and care… I went through hell and never deserved this, yet she’s happy now that there’s a new and obviously won’t hear from me based on a peace order that I have no contact for a year. I’m a very sincere, caring individual and have a huge heart. I’m trying to understand how someone can easily lie and treat another in this fashion or have the care to speak when your apparently in a relationship. Perhaps I’m blind but in all my years I’ve never seen or experienced that from someone I know deep down has a good heart. So am I in the wrong? Am I the narcissist? or is she the narcissist for what she’s done to me and put me through? I sincerely appreciate your feedback. Robert.
Hi Robert,
I understand that you feel extremely confused, and relationships like this can be extremely confusing.
Truly, Robert without knowing the deeper details of the relationship, and of course because I wasn’t there, I can’t really thoroughly examine it.
I will say, that being replaced immediately is not the actions of a healthy or a respectful person. Neither is the lash out afterward.
What I can say additionally, for all of us, is that if we have been experiencing painful, confusing and even toxic relationships then there are pieces within us and programs that need attention and healing.
When you do this, I promise you that when the true clarity comes, as well as the emancipation from the pain.
My hugest suggestion to you is to come into my free three keys webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to be able to go through the processes in the webinar to get clarity and your soul back. I promise you this is the experience that most people have, after the turmoil and confusion they had when they entered the webinar.
I so hope that this can help.
Sending you Love and healing.
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thank you Melanie, Yes there’s always two sides to a story and yet I haven’t been able to say all I wanted to on this platform, but wholeheartedly I was blindsided and hurt beyond belief. I sincerely did not do anything wrong but was subjected to ridicule and hurt and have a problem with a partner that showed nothing but care and affection turn and not want to talk, do as she’s done, jump on another with zero care or respect for anything we’ve shared. We had a wonderful loving relationship and I’ll never be able to get a conversation or heart to heart talk. That’s what haunts me daily. I know it may sound crazy but we we’re truly best friends and loved practically everything alike.. and she acknowledged that all the way through. So was I played ? Am I the stupid one ? I’m hurt and will forever be on my conscious wondering why she didn’t have the care or respect to speak with me. Never happened before in my life, and never want to experience that ever again. Anyway I thank you sincerely for your reply. It means a lot to have someone sincere and understanding not to only my situation but to many others on here reaching out for help, guidance and support. Thank You. Robert p.s. I sincerely wish I could explain everything in detail. I’d truly would love to hear your honest opinion and have the ultimate clarity. That’s what I wish for more than anything.. yes I’m having a very difficult time even at my age sadly.
Hi Robert,
You are very welcome!
this I know from the experience of working with thousands of people over the last 10 plus years. It can be impossible to work out what really “happened”. We cant work out other people’s thoughts and choices, but we can heal.
I can’t see that anything was your “fault”.
Again, I really suggest your true peace will come from turning inwards and working out what is going on within you.
I’d love to suggest you join this session with me – it’s free, and I would be very surprised if you don’t get some powerful answers out of this http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thank you Melanie, I since appreciate all you’ve said and written. I really do need to understand “why” and hope to get some clarity. I’m an open book and honest about all. I have nothing to hide. Yet deeply hurt. I will most certainly follow your recommendation suggested and I thank you. Sincerely Robert.
Hi Robert,
it’s my pleasure and that is great.
I know it will help you.
Mel 🙏💕💚
Gosh, after reading this I am amazed at myself for having stayed with this ex n for all these years….Every single category from #1 through # 12 I experienced and lived with! Well, it’s on to “lucky 13” now with NARP…. thank you so very much Melanie!
Thank you for everything….❤️🦋❤️
Hi Peter,
that’s great that this resonated with you.
I love that you are working with NARP now http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
It’s your time to shine!
Much Love to you and please know how welcome you are.
Mel 🙏💕💚
So true Peter
Every aspects is so spot on
Let number 13 — lucky number
Thank you Mel
Thank you so very much, Melanie….❤️🦋❤️
It’s my pleasure Peter.
Bless you!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Melanie,
Nearly all 12 points resonate with what I have experienced to the detail!
I just found out he has been cheating on me with an ex and deletes all messages so I can’t find out about it, whilst he tells me he loves me and wants to make this work after all the fights he’s caused.
I have put up with bad moods, accusations of things he does himself and fights that make no sense to the point I doubt myself and doubt whether I’m wrong or right (my head starts spinning).
Unfortunately, this guy who I’ve been dating works with me and has a higher role in the company. I plan on breaking up this weekend, but I’m getting so much anxiety that my heart is racing and I have a knot in my stomach and pain in my chest, with fear of what he can do to me at work out of revenge.
Usually he gets mad at first and as soon as I start making less contact he starts playing the victim card and tells me he cant sleep nor eat and he has to go to the doctor to gets meds, to make me feel responsible for his bad health. I then used to feel sorry and always helped him out, ending up going back to him.
I don’t know what his reaction this time will be because I’ve never actually broken up the relationship. He will either explode of anger, as he might suspect I looked at his phone to find out he was cheating (although I will never admit to it because he will just turn the blame on me) or he will play the victim card.
Melanie, what would you advise being that he works with me?
Thank you very much, I always read and follow your articles and they have truly helped me start seeing the reality I’m stuck in and have been stuck for 4 years now.
I just want to get out of it and stop thinking about what he may feel or think.
Xxx
How true it is!
Hi Martha,
absolutely!
Mel 🙏💕💚
I’m part Geyser Empath so I explode with supply. You’d think this would keep narcs around but it has a shelf life of about 2-3 months tops. I feel like they start to devalue me almost from the beginning. And they always have new supply in a 3 week-12 week range. This is going to sound really weird but I have the not good enoughs as part of my low self esteem and this just makes me feel even worse. That even my fuel isn’t good enough to keep them around for long and this is crippling to me. I don’t get lovebombed either. All I find are these types and I don’t even get what others get with this. I get the minimal effort bottom of the barrel in life and with the abuse that seems to be all I’ll ever get in this life. I’m so bad off that they don’t have to put any effort into ensnared me. And the new supply they keep for a really long time. I’m discarded instantly.
I read your words and my mouth drops open because you have described the last decade of my life. The crazy started a few years ago when he started to get mean and selfish. I finally found him literally with another woman and he said oh her she’s the maid. He begged me to forgive said she’s out but she was still in his life took her away with him taking pictures of himself “alone” on his business trip. She was there
She shows up drunk at my daughters graduation party he loved the drama got off in both of us fighting over him. I left but after 4 weeks if his constant calling
Anyway, meantime he dumped her and got another all the while stating he wanted me back. Only 5 weeks ago did I finally dump him and block him on everything possible. Only issue he’s paying my health insurance and I can’t afford right now. I’m pretty sure when he tires of new supply he’ll stop
Over to and use health care as excuse. Never want to see him again wasted a decade on a man who never had the ability to really commit to anything
Hi Gwynne,
Sending you love, healing and strength.
Please know when you support you, life will find a way to grant you more of that.
Your true Life and support await.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Every aspects is so spot on … Dogg be fooled people …. Your programme NARP is the key to freedom and evolutionary WOW ….. the truth sets you free …. Love it 😍
Thank you Mel
Abdomen Spot on in every way … impeccable truths ‘Mel ❤️❤️
I need to know how to do this when no contact isn’t an option sharing custody of kids and how I can not only get my kids back (after I was in a coma and he had them) but do it where he’s only holding it over me and keeping them from coming home to live with me BECAUSE it holds narcissistic power… not because they want to be there, they don’t and not because it’s easier or he cares more or can give them a happier home but because he knows it’s a narc supply to keep them from coming home to me full time…
I only have a few years left with my boys before they’re grown and they cry almost every night after they leave my house when they can’t be with me… he doesn’t care and he specifically pushes to elicit a response. Usually I don’t react and I try really hard not to but I don’t have the means to hire a lawyer and all he needs to do is agree to let them come home full time… so when I let it build up and I try to stand up for the kids and for myself and ask him to let them move home he only stops it for the narc supply
I feel like I have no solution, no options to have them come home for good and it’s killing all of us for them not to be with me every day.
Thanks for this Mel, my ex narcissist has now been deceased for three years, the passage of time has softened the memories & allowed me to remember the best bits when I think of him. In a way I needed to re visit what narcissists do to extract supply & in the process destroy those they are extracting it from. My ex did all that you describe, it was suggested during his worst excesses, that he might be trying to get me to commit suicide. Sadly my daughters husband is showing signs of narcissistic behaviour, not to the excesses that my ex displayed but bad enough to be causing her significant discomfort, she has a child with him & is checking in with me when she gets the opportunity to talk about her experiences, she knows what’s going on & Im able to affirm her & support her in getting more clarity so I can only hope she doesn’t stay too long. Thanks for all you do & say on this often misunderstood & over looked form of spousal abuse. 💕🕊🙏 Janette xxx
Hi Janette,
I’m pleased that my information can help, and that you have been recovering.
I’d love to invite you and your daughter to my free 2-part masterclass recoverhealthrive.com as this will fill in many of the gaps for both of you.
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I am 25 years deep into this roller coaster and I am about 90% gone in my heart. Its insane to me how true all of what you say is. I find great solace in knowing that I am not alone in feeling these things. Nor am I the crazy person he so often calls me and makes me feel or do I truly make myself feel this way as he so coldly insists. He is not in charge of my emotions, I am. My head says I need to leave but my heart is hanging on to the good that is there. It would crush my daughter if I left and in doing so I would alienate the one good thing in my life as I have no support system. He refuses to leave..even for a short time. He calls this his home though he has not given me one penny for the mortgage. In am financially sound as he has seen to it that he gets ahead at my expense. But emotionally I am a wreck and lack the confidence to leave. I know I’m not helpless and though I have been married for a lifetime, I feel like a single mom..only without child support or support of any kind. Any words of encouragement?
Hi Mrlone,
Big hugs!
As you said logically you know that you should leave, yet emotionally you still feel hooked in.
I promise you that this was the same for all of us – even though we would have viewed someone else’s life going through this and thought “why on earth do they stay?”.
The reason we do stay, is our inner trauma programming from our earlier years. Narcissists are people are still representing the parts of ourselves that are not as yet healed and whole, bringing the same painful emotions again, the parts that as our “normal” knew the types of hurt and behaviour that these people represent.
These are unconscious and powerful progams that keep us trauma bonded to the very people traumatising us.
The answer to this is not logical, nor is logical therapy and reserach – it is deeply somatic, and emotional – it is inner work.
Mrlone there is no way I would have been able to leave, recover and thrive after narcissistic abuse if I had not done the inner work to heal up these parts of myself that (although logically and practically capable) felt like a broken little girl inside trying to get people to “do it differently this time” so that I could feel loved and safe.
The rectification of these inner pieces became between me and Source (Quantum Healing). Creating NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp is what saved my life and ended up being my gift to bring to the world to help others who weere trauma bodnded get free as well.
I hope that this grants you the encouragement that you can rise above this, get away, survive and then thrive.
But it takes inner work.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
No matter what pain you imagine it will cost you, what sacrifice you think it will entail, the wonderful freedom that comes from ridding your life of a narcissistic person who is close to you is worthwhile. I did therapy for years about my narc Mom, who cannot help herself but has always tried to ensnare the whole family in her games and power trips and selfish junior high mentality. It’s always, always been about her. I never saw it, just thought something one of us was going to do, say, or be would snap her out of it. I tried fixing it for her, for my sisters, for my Dad, for us all, by trying to talk to her, to be there for her, but I still got blamed and stomped on. I am not saying what I did to try and heal the family was always what was helpful, but I had no clue what was going on. Several therapists touched on it but nobody came out and said, “Perhaps she’s a narcissist”…or even anything close to that. It would have saved me years of figuring out what means to use to stay peaceful in my own life and to try to stay in her orbit of drama. My Dad is already a controlling person, but now he’s wrapped up in her crap, because they are both older and aging. I stopped being part of it, slowly, over time…then about four years ago, I had someone I went to see for a “refresher” session tell me, right away in a few minutes of talking, “Oh, your Mom is a borderline personality disorder, possibly, but for SURE is a full-blown narcissist”…I was sort of stunned, like, how did she know that with only a few sentences spoken about what was going on? Now, I know! I read one little online article she gave me to use to identify more of those traits, then I found Melanie’s stuff online here, and it’s just really helped confirm that the steps I had taken two decades ago or more to begin to step back from the family, were the right things to have been doing. I more fully did that about 10 years ago, but once I read these things Melanie had on her site, I was convinced to completely close those communications I had left open to hurt me more all the time. The family stopped speaking, as they all four play into the narcissistic ways, because otherwise they’d also be cut off and they know it. My life is full of peace, happiness, holidays are joyful again, vacation times are so fun, and things that used to involve a lot of drama and guilt are, mostly, very easy to shrug off. When I feel doubt about why and how I am doing this, I just go back and read some more. Thanks, Melanie, for setting me more fully free on the path I had already taken for myself! All of you have to stop feeling guilty and stop wondering “what about” and “what if” and just do it!! Put yourself and your sanity first.
Hi JOinDC,
I love that you have honoured you and had the courage to put your soul first.
Thank you for being such an inspiration to others.
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Melanie, you are the best thing that happened in my life. The place where I was when I found you to the place that I’m reaching right now is just miraculous.
You have given me the most precious information and the best tools ever (Narp), and having your blog to re-read when I need it is just extremely beneficial, calming and reassuring.
I don’t think you are conscious of how much good you make in peoples lives.
Thank you once again 🙏
Thank you for your lovely words Inigo,
they mean so much to me!
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋