Melanie Tonia Evans

How To Start Healing When Everything Seems Helpless

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 2
38
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

I really wanted to do this episode to help people who are traumatized beyond measure, and feel really mired in the helplessness of narcissistic abuse.

I’ve been there myself … just as many people have – been in that place where there seems to be no hope, no way out and no way to rebuild.

I know so many of us have lived that truth – when we are at the final breakdown stages with a narcissist. We know we can’t survive the abuse anymore, but we have no way to believe that we can survive if we leave either.

It is a horrendous double bind.

And of course, many people after escaping a narcissist and trying to live with the tragic losses, and the ongoing dreadful abuse symptoms may feel like they are fighting a battle to survive that they can’t win.

But I promise you there is not only a way out – but a way to recover, heal and start connected to the trajectory of the life that is your A-game life … the most incredible breakthrough as a result of your breakdown that you could imagine.

Within this episode I will share with you my journey with total helplessness and powerless and how it all turned around for me.

Because my story is your story – we are all in this together.

And it is my deepest wish with this episode that I can help to connect you to how to achieve that … so that you can turn this around and live the life you were born to live too.

I so hope this helps you connect to the hope that all of Life wants us to be well, and there is a force within and without that if we don’t give up … we can connect to in order to break free.

We are meant to survive and then Thrive from this. I know this with every cell in my being, and I know that one day you will know it too.

I look forward to supporting you further by answering your comments below.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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38 Thoughts on How To Start Healing When Everything Seems Helpless
  • cyclodelia@yahoo.com'
    joey knoewy
    July 21, 2017

    how do i know if my gf is a narcisist? it was a horrible time…

  • 44susan44@gmail.com'
    S P
    July 21, 2017

    Melanie~
    I am now middle aged and narc abuse is the only thing I’ve ever known. I attempted suicide 8 years ago as I saw no way to freedom, while everything on the outside was a lie. The life long effects had taken such a devastating toll and there was no way out, with no money or job. After spending a week in the hospital after my attempt, I was released to my original narc family and just one more nightmare began again. Although I am extremely grateful to be living under a separate roof now, the financial help to survive (I am currently unable to work), along with the very close proximity, creates a never ending helplessness and point of contact. I have kids I am trying to protect as well. The triggers are constant and even “small” ones have become overwhelming for days. I described for my therapist yesterday how after all this time I am still stuck and don’t know how to keep going. I will hopefully be starting EMDR therapy soon to try to undo the brainwashing and abuse that started very young. I just happened to see your video with the description about being traumatized beyond measure and had to click on it. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, for your compassion and desire to use your own past pain and torment to help others find hope and freedom. You glow with an inner and outer beauty that shows you have certainly found your calling. I look forward to exploring your site and studying your precious treasure trove of information.

  • Gudrun@shootoutcrew.co.za'
    Gudrun
    July 21, 2017

    When I made a decision to get out of the relationship, the Universe began supporting me. The day after the narcissist “lost his mind”, as I refer to it, I found a last minute appointment with the therapist who we had seen together last year; she advised me to enlist the help of my family and friends and my brother organised an intervention with the narc for that very night with nine other members of my family and friends. I got out! My cousin gave me a soft landing, my kids were with their dad that weekend – everything flowed in support of my decision. The lease was in my name, we did not share children, we did not share property, we did not share finances and I run my own business. I was a lucky one! Five months later – aside from a “relapse” of making contact after my dog died – I am turned inwards, I am healing, I am growing and I am thriving. It is possible! Thank you, Mel, for your wisdom and for your Lightwork.

  • susanmwyer@gmail.com'
    sue
    July 21, 2017

    hi melanie yes I’m really felling it as i get closer to having to go to court the sense of helplessness overwhelms me I’ve never fought for money and stuff before..and making me do it is hooking me into I’m not worth it ..inever had much anyway and no i face not having much again as he try to strip me ..he has taken out a loan just to win he willsend us both down the tube if he doesn’t stop but the tarp is not rational and self entitled

    • Skruse@tutanota.com'
      Susan
      July 21, 2017

      Hi Sue, check out Ross Rosenberg on YouTube he does a great piece on “Observe don’t absorb” he teaches you how to disengage from the triggers they try to set off. Worth a watch.

  • amanda.texagal@gmail.com'
    amanda bordenave
    July 21, 2017

    Melanie, God. I needed this. I am at this point. My husband , the N arrives tonight and wants to talk. After doing modules and trying to heal— He projects that Im the N in our relationship. I swear I was going to take another “Are you a N test”— the psychological, mind *uckery is so intense right now. I am doubting everything and yet…. I think , I am a person who has been dishonest in my marriage…Cognitive dissonance- LYING and also ( never expressing what I think bc I didn’t even know ( people pleasing) and throw on that quilt, shame fear punishment , all of it…. and try and maintain one’s integrity after a hell of alot of work inside and outside , prayer etc…; the realization of how much we hurt others is dibilitating and at the same time to think to oneself “No, I am not that way anymore..I have worked hard to regain my integrity.. as well as to recognize abuse patterns from the N- but deep down realizing that somehow I am responsible and deserve to be punished ——–He arrives tonight and all he wants is to make me realize HOW much Ive hurt Him—– I am awaiting total annihilation….. I feel hopeless , and feel really crazy. ……… did module 9 last night but this morning all I want to do is run and hide and protect myself. God help me. It is the ending of 23 yrs of the craziest marriage.( I take full responsibility on my side of the damage but the N says that all his actions were bc of mine(a very ANGRY person) Any advice is really good right now.

  • Skruse@tutanota.com'
    Susan
    July 21, 2017

    It’s absolutely true, I was with my narcissist for eight years. Terrible criticism, triangulation, gas-lighting…telling me I would never be ok and was emotionally dead etc…
    By the time she broke with me I wasn’t even sure I could manage the day to day business of living, a friend said “didn’t you live alone before this?” I had, she replied “what makes you think you can’t do it again?” but my narc had made me believe I couldn’t cope alone…
    Two years later we are facing each other to dissolve our civil partnership and deal with a property and I’ve never felt so strong…I sat my solicitor & barrister down and told them how manipulative, vindictive and charming she can be and I need them to understand what they are dealing with and they have been so supportive. My solicitor said ” I get the feeling this lady is used to getting what she wants”.
    I have been blessed with great friends and an understanding legal team.
    Take it from us thrivers-you won’t recognize yourself in a years time when you’ve looked deep within yourself and figured out why you are drawn to these individuals….you’re life with never be the same again.
    My motto came from a dear friend when she said to me-
    “At the end of the day you can only look at yourself”.

    • amanda.texagal@gmail.com'
      amanda bordenave
      July 21, 2017

      Susan, Your right, we can only be responsible for ourselves. This program is the most difficult work I have ever done in my life . It is good to read -feel your certitude, strength and courage . “healing”- is possible and I still want it so much… Keep thriving Susan – thanks for sharing your light at the end of a very dark tunnel.

      • Skruse@tutanota.com'
        Susan
        July 21, 2017

        Hi Amanda,
        If you share children etc practice absolute Minimum contact but I cannot recommend No Contact enough-it gives you time to heal your raw heart and really helps get you back on your feet emotionally & physically.
        Eat well, get your eight hours sleep if you can-all self care stuff.
        For as long as you are in contact it’s one step forward two steps back I found.
        Once I cut the cord-changed my email address, changed my mobile number,
        I started to improve in all areas. I understand the bond we have with these people makes a break seem like the last thing we want but be good to yourself, look into erecting very strong boundaries, probably something like me you weren’t good with and defend those boundaries fiercely when it comes to him.
        I wish you luck tonight and remember Your boundaries-

        Simply- “this is what I will accept and this is what I won’t”

        • amanda.texagal@gmail.com'
          amanda bordenave
          July 21, 2017

          Wow, just finished mod 9, AND I AM TAKING TO HEART EVERYTHING YOU WROTE- THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE SUPPORT_ Feeling better, its gonna be tough but I HAVE TO DO THIS AND GO THROUGH THIS – if I have any chance of healing …. gonna pray as much as I can and try and get another mod in before tonight…. Much love to you, the support you are sharing is so beautiful for me!

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            July 22, 2017

            Hi Amanda,

            that is wonderful that you re going through to the other side Amanda, it is so beautiful here and so with the effort to get there!

            Please know you are going to get there dear lady.

            You’ve got this.

            Mel xo

    • susanmwyer@gmail.com'
      sue
      July 22, 2017

      beautiful I’m keeping my fingers crossed..i face court in 4 weeks modelling as much as i can

      • amanda.texagal@gmail.com'
        amanda bordenave
        July 22, 2017

        Sue, You certainly can be ready in 4 weeks- Confidence !!! Liberation day is coming your way! I know it will have a peaceful and happy ending for you. As for me, I was so detached….. and a funny thing happened- He was not on the attack- honestly it was strange. He impressed upon me how much he needs to change but at the same time for a ” conversation from the bottom of his heart”- I felt no emotion coming from him as well as he kept stressing that he didn’t know what would happen in a year..when we lose our home to the tax man- He insists he can’t trust me and at the same time he wouldn’t “drop me like third period french”. He changed the record on me…how odd. I know in your case, you are in court over property and assets, in your experience , what is the game the N plays?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 22, 2017

      Hi Susan,

      you friend is very wise.

      That is so wonderful that you have taken your power back!

      Thank you for your inspirational posts to others 🙂

      Mel xo

  • rosie_anderson@outlook.com'
    Rosie
    July 21, 2017

    I’m 61, today I’ve been with my narcissist for 35 years. In the past 9 months he has left me (over tv aerial cable) then come back 3 months later. Few weeks later he kicked me out over some petty thing (??), but due to being unable to support myself financially I moved back about 5 weeks later firstly into an old caravan we have and then into the spare room. After a few weeks and a health incident (his) we rekindled the relationship spent $30,000 of the extra mortgage payments we had up our sleeve (at my encouragement), to do something we had always talked about (camping) Had a reasonable 9 days and came back with an additiction for more, then he returned to work and Mr Hyde re-appeared. 2 weeks ago and he left again over my talking to someone about my issues with him. This has not been the first time we have done this yo yo moving out, but it seems these days we can’t spend more than a few weeks together before it all falls apart again where as it used to be months even years between walk (kick) outs. Financially I can’t support myself (that’s pretty much my weakness) and I’m feeling pretty lost in regards to making this permanent. I’ve read your 2 ebooks but don’t know where I’m supposed to go to from there for the healing. The one thing that is quite different in my circumstances is I control the money and he still allows me access to it when he leaves, but that won’t be under a permanent separation, so I am constantly scared about the financial prospect. He doesn’t have a clue on budgeting for bills etc and he is now inclined not to spend un-necessarily if at all. He no longer questions where the money goes nor does he get angry over it like he used to??? I don’t have any family to support me other than my youngest daughter (ours) who is battling mental illness and doesn’t need my burdens to drag her down further. My plan had been to try and stick it out for another 4 1/2 years, when I can retire and get a pension. At my age job prospects are pretty much non existent and I have to admit I feel too tired to take on much more than what my current part time job hours are. Some days I’m fine but then the fear strikes.

    • jraltizer@gmail.com'
      No Name
      July 21, 2017

      This is similar to my situation. I am 64 and retire soon. Although divorced for many years I could never really get rid of him. My Narc has always found a reason (children, pets, aging parents, etc) to attach to me and make it very difficult to maintain respectable distance. I never even went after him for child support. Knowing his personality and at the advice of my lawyer – I knew I would spend more than I got and mentally it just was not worth it to do this to myself or our child.

      I bought a property about 10 years ago that is in the country. It has two homes on it. I offered him a place to stay (mainly to keep him out of my hair and home and avoid evil retaliation for ignoring him). I am gone a lot for work. He of course decided he didn’t like his house and wanted my house. He would break in while I was gone. End result is that I have moved most of my stuff off the property to a storage facility. My home interior – in fact most of the property – is in a bad state. A lot of what wasn’t put in secure storage has been either broken or carried off by thieves whom he associates with. He generally refuses to do any yard work. I recall one exception when I planted several hundred dollars worth of assorted berry plants all over the property. He decided to do some “weeding” and literally tore out all the berry plants – many of which still had tags from the nursery still on them! I don’t want to sell my property to get rid of him and have resigned myself to the fact that I will literally have to rebuild the thing. He on the other hand has started having strokes and such but refuses to see a doctor. We – his family – wonder at this point how much longer he can last.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 22, 2017

      Hi Rosie,

      I am so sorry you are going through this, and that it seems to be escalating.

      Rosie the next step is to come into my free workshop: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar and there you will get to experience Quanta Freedom Healing which is the healing tool us Thrivers work with. https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/services/quanta-healing-explained.htm

      I promise you that the financial fear is a very deep one for many women, yet there are women your age and beyond who have healed this and moved on and started to generate income and their own independent lives.

      Here are some of their personal stories: https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/too-old-to-recover-from-abuse/

      Once the fear inside goes … then space opens up for solution .. and that is our goal to remove the fear and heal from that and then allow the next step to unfold.

      I hope this makes sense Rosie, and I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • jonassahlberg@hotmail.com'
    Olivia
    July 22, 2017

    Im a woman that was born with a horrible birth defect, which made my genitals develop wrong.
    It resulted in me being raised as a boy, and no matter what I did to get my parents to see that I’m a girl. no one ever listened no matter what i did.
    after being constantly told I’m wrong, I stopped believing in myself, and I started to create a false self to survive. Everything just got worse and worse the older I got, and already at daycare I was extremely bullied. I was just a sensitive girl that was forced to be a boy.
    When I started school things got really bad, and at 3 months in I told my mother I wanted to die. She finally realized something was wrong (after buying presents for me to give to the ones abusing me so they would become kind), so she took me out of school. By this point at 7 years old I was almost completely disconnected from myself, and having a father with npd and a extremely victimized mother did not help. I started a new school and later we moved.
    I also had to deal with abuse both from my father and mother, in different ways, but they both abused me.

    when puberty started, because of the birth defect, my body produced the wrong hormones, meaning without help i was going to go through puberty like boys. imagine the horror starting to look and sound like a man. But I was In survival mode from being bullied all the time and my false self took over more and more. My mother left me and my brother with my npd father when i was 13. I took over her chores in the house and did my best to look after my brother, while i simultaneously got a job at evenings after school.
    things went on like this, and I was extremely abused by my father, because with my mother gone, I was his source of supply.
    I was completely hooked to my father.
    it took until I was 25 that I could not do it anymore, I had no grasp on reality whatsoever and everything was a blur. I was almost broke from financial abuse, despite working extremely hard. I was dependent on my father, I thought I could never survive on my own.
    I was so broken I had no other choice than to start trying to fix myself, I knew I had to.

    A little over a year later, I found your youtube videos, and a week later I bought NARP.
    After 1 month of working with NARP, my father found a new source of supply. I was not free from him, and im still not completely, but it gave me space to heal because I could keep modified contact. Luckily I have my own place to live.
    I have been working over 3 years now with narp. In the beginning it was very hard for me keep on going, because I was so exhausted, and there was narcissists almost everywhere I turned my head, so I got drained and had no energy.
    but by now I have done the modules close to a thousand times or more. I’m still on module 1 clearing and clearing because there is so much trauma.
    Some of the trauma is so bad it makes me suicidal when i feel and shift it. I have even tried to take my life several times before the trauma left my body completely (it takes me over completely sometimes before it leaves).

    I have gotten help for my birth defect, and I have the right hormones in my body now, but my bone structure is very masculinized because of having the wrong hormones for so long, and I literally look and sound like a man. I also can never get pregnant.
    I developed social phobia because of this, and it just got worse the more masculine my body started looking. The last two years it got so serious I could no longer work at all, and I still can’t. I can barely force myself to go out of my house just to get groceries. luckily I have had miracles, so I have had financial support.

    My biggest dream would be to have a family and get pregnant, to get to live my life as my true self, and be treated as my true self,
    but how can I heal from my body looking like a mans body and being treated like a man ? its not possible to change my skeleton back, and as long as people see a man when they look at me i can not be my true self because I get treated like I’m someone else all the time.
    I know that some things you just have to accept, like never being able to get pregnant, but if i can not be my true self, life has no meaning to me. I was forced to be a false self for way too long and I absolutely don’t want that anymore.

    I would really appreciate your input on this Melanie if you have one.
    Olivia xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 22, 2017

      Hi Olivia,

      my heart goes out to you, your journey is incredibly unique and have been terribly traumatic …

      Yet Olivia this is what I feel intuitively in my cells, with deep certainty – your have an incredible purpose Olivia and you are able to inspire people beyond measure – to accept and love self as self no matter what that self is.

      I also believe something within you feels and know this too Olivia.

      I feel in my heart of hearts that this is your journey to love you as you now, because I believe that incredible love and admiration and conjoining is there for you – including your soul mate Olivia as yourself now.

      When you can love and accept all of you and they soul calling, your incredible life awaits. You are a gift to so many Olivia … it the sharing of that message of self love and acceptance.

      Bless you 🙂

      Mel xo

      • jonassahlberg@hotmail.com'
        Olivia
        July 23, 2017

        Hi Melanie,

        What happened with my body definitely broke any possibility to having a ego ever again. It made me extremely aware of what it means to be human, while simultaneously denying me just that. most people think your body is who you are. I know that is not true, at least not for me.
        you have a being inside you that has feelings and instincts, and in cases like mine you get a mismatch with your inner being and outside/body.
        If someone people perceive as a boy behaves just like a girl, and want to do things just like girls do, people are going to try to put that being in a box, because a boy should behave like a boy ( even if that being really is a girl ), and a girl like a girl. The same happens as an adult. that is denying that beings feelings and instincts, and in this example forcing a girl to be a boy. Its how most of us were conditioned, so it just is this way. I hope to contribute to change that, so that one day, no one have to go through what I did again.

        to be denied your feelings and instincts like that is extremely, extremely painful. the narcissistic abuse I experienced was almost easy compared to this (although it was intertwined, I know, but just for reference. I do believe this is how narcissists are created, not necessarily with the gender part involved. I thought many times how lucky I am to not have npd). its something I think you can only understand completely if you went through it yourself, exactly like narcissistic abuse.

        I do agree completely with what you said, but I also know if I don’t heal rapidly, first my inside, and then make my outside/body to match my inner being as much as I possibly can, my soul is going to take me back home. Its soo painful to be treated like someone I’m not all the time, but the worst part is it stagnates my true self. I got two make or break deals on my journey, Its going to take very much effort if I am to stay. I don’t have so much attachment to any outcome anymore, I’m ok no matter what, but I’m going to do everything I can. QFH is the only way I know of I could ever heal, and I am eternally grateful I found my way here.

        Your Reply made my inner being come forward with more information I did not know I had.
        Thank you from the bottom of my heart, bless you too.

        Olivia xx

  • bess.mcg10@gmail.com'
    Bess
    July 22, 2017

    When I watched this video I cried. I have felt so helpless and hopeless – more so lately. I haven’t did the healings in almost a year. Recently I’ve gotten back on them. It was hard at first not really feeling anything when I did them. I shut my feelings down a long time ago. I prayed and God has opened me back up enough to receive healing from the module.
    Even though I may not feel the healing taking place I can tell in the way I feel afterwards. My situation is dangerous. I’ve been to the police and didn’t get help. I figured out that he has trashed my name and now everyone including my son’s think that I’m crazy. I have no help and no support system, so I’m on my own here and daily taking steps to stay safe.
    You spoke to me in the video. I’m that person too. And after listening I realize how vital it is for me to devote ALL my spare time to healing my mind and body to open up space for good energy to come in and change my life for the better. I know I have adrenaline over load.
    I too live in a literal hell. I’m trapped and isolated and have no support system – nobody to turn to. No finances, no where to go. I see how vital it is for me to do the work as much as I can, and honestly other than taking my son to work and doing dishes and laundry, I have more time than I’ve been thinking I do.
    Not only is he covert-narcissist, but psychopathic and I think he’s szophinic – he carries on conversations with nobody. It’s beginning to scare me, especially since nobody believes me – and I’m the crazy one?
    Thank you so much for sharing your journey with the world. If it wasn’t for you and your GFH program, I don’t know what I would do. A million thank yous for your open-ness and sharing and understanding of others pain in this type of abuse.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 22, 2017

      Hi Bess,

      Awww dear lady, my heart goes out to you .. as you are telling your story I remember it so vividly as my previous story.

      And yes, you are so right that shift within has to happen for the space to occur for life to open up for you.

      Please know dear lady, I know you can do this …

      You are so welcome Bess and I hold the space for you to join me … I know you are going to make it.

      Are you in the NARP Form receiving support? Please do so Bess if you aren’t – you don’t have to do this alone … wwww.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • porksontour@outlook.com'
    Peeks
    July 22, 2017

    Hi Mel
    I have been doing your NARP programme for some while now and experienced so much healing from them. I stopped doing them (mainly because my computer that has them on is broken and I need help with the practicalities of getting the hard drive and transferring them…..blah, blah ) but have found just lately that I am slipping back into some old thinking patterns I thought I had got well and truly past. I am guessing this means I have to get going again on the healing ??? Also I wanted to ask ; like most people, I went through the questioning myself as to whether it was me that was the narcissist and not my ex after all ( he was a dab hand at reflecting people’s behaviour back at them, one of his self – professed talents !), I often came to the conclusion ( looking at past behaviours in other relationships too ) that I probably was or at least had some very strong tendencies. If this was so, is it possible that throughout this whole healing that I could’ve healed myself of it ??? I no longer respond in ways I used to (since that very very challenging relationship and doing so much NARP work ) and have changed SO much it is off the scale ( and for that I thank you a million times over ). I was looking back on an old relationship I was in before the NARC and remembered some real rages I had gotten into with the poor guy that just came out of nowhere and I suddenly panicked….was it narcissistic rage ??? But of course I realise it’s more complicated than that. I can remember myself ‘acting’ with him at times and behaving in what I now know are narc ways. Having said that this could also be the actions and behaviours of a codependent….or even a borderline. Oh my…..it’s all so confusing !

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 22, 2017

      Hi Peeks,

      yes absolutely when our mind starts going back into painful patterns, then there is more inner trauma to uncover and release.

      Peeks, most definitely there are some powerful matches between us and N’s … this may help explain: https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-narcissist-and-co-dependent-two-sides-of-the-same-coin/

      The thing is anyone, even an N – if they were to face the inner traumas – can heal. I am so happy for you that you have progressed and done so well!

      This is all any of us need to focus on when we want to develop beyond who we were being. Find the traumas – release and replace them. And of course included in this is the release of our shame … thats a biggie!

      Mel xo

  • tulagreen@yahoo.com'
    Christo
    July 23, 2017

    Hello Melanie, high achiever here…living in a homeless shelter hotel…for two years…..Maybe I should just stop there. Dealing, in the end, with a father who is a well known actor/producer in our big Midwest US city. Me? I was a ranked tennis player in juniors, taught tennis for 15yrs, played in a well known youth symphony. Composed a musical score for a play at our large University. Was told to never do that again or write music for any other medium.. by my wonderful charismatic actor father whom I, and my family, instinct fully praised from day one. He didn’t even come. My mother gaslighted my hurtful response. Reversed the psychology. She reversed my middle sister into shock therapy..twice. She is in no contact with them. No longer takes medication. Enough said. The list goes on. Being disregarded, unacknowledged, ridiculed, gaslighted incessantly. The list I don’t seem to be able to see or feel correctly. Because we’re big beings, right? And in order for there to be peace on this planet we need to be big and float up over all this innocent little evil behavior, right? Those poor little mouse people, they don’t know what they ‘re doing….with that whip in their hands. Spent my life reading everything to find out what’s wrong with me. I see now that my body and soul adapted, necessarily, by using the Stockholm Syndrome technique. Needed to believe… Never had a day where I didn’t feel exactly like a hostage..or a slave or subject to people who would hurt me in a moment(not physically, but by going into a theatrical state of “you’re mentally retarded, ugly, bad, undesireable, satanic, going to get it, a pervert, did I say retarded?).. Very scared to show any of “me” around my home life. Tip toed through the home life. Worked for years to get a few minutes of non- pain in the morning and then up to feeling ok most of the time. I try to hold an overview of all of this but I’m starting to catch on that my insides, my soul, are…pretty much dead….and very hurt, mad and sad…lonely. I realize most of the time I’m still feeling fear and terror with what they can do with their gossip. Why can’t I leave?!! Yes, I’m in surviver mode….barely. But still I love them….I think…I don’t know now…. This is how it goes. I have no brothers to be my stepping stones out of this. No sane male relatives(including me) around. Had good buddies but needed to leave because I was repeating my role with my father. I was ready to move away out of state from it all when my father had a stroke. I’m 53. It doesn’t feel possible to change horses in the middle of the stream at this point. I feel like acknowledging this makes it real and then the real bleeding comes, which my heart says, ” no, no, no…no way” I feel like there’s to much of “me” to walk away from. But there you go, I have 100’s of songs and musical scores packed away on tape(yes cassette’s) in two big sports duffle bags plus 100’s more on the computer. Where am “I”? I just want to get in a ballon and float up and away. Christ

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 24, 2017

      Hi Christo,

      my heart goes out to you …

      I really do believe for all of us, there is a way out.

      For me that only appeared when the trauma left me and space opened up for something else.

      Wishing you many blessings Christo.

      Mel xo

  • tulagreen@yahoo.com'
    Christo
    July 23, 2017

    Whoops, meant Christo(or Chris), not Christ on my last comment.

  • ranubatra@gmail.com'
    Reva
    July 24, 2017

    Hi Melanie..
    Love your videos.. the work you are doing is wonderful. I even ordered the NARP program for healing my wounds. But a question is always there in my mind.. I have visited many astrologers wen my situation was seeming out of control. And they accurately described my situation from childhood. By studying astrology a belief has been formed in me that everything is predestined. Even if I got your support and I m healingthat is also predestined. We can’t do anything in the cosmic flow of life. Now I got stuck at a point where my horoscope predictionsare not gud for future related to marriage . I feel I m stuck with a narcissist. But BcoZ of astrolical prediction about future too i m in a fearful situation I m not able to decide anything. And I have left everything on future.. whatever has to happen , ll happen. Even though I m doing your modules. Wats ur say on this. Sincerely want to know your view point on this.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 25, 2017

      Hi Reva,

      I am so pleased they resonate with you 🙂

      I so get where you are coming from! Please know my astrology and numerology is AWFUL!

      If I believed it was all predestined and was not about the grist for evolution I should be dead or institutionalised.

      We are heal to release our traumas – I believe – and these existing skirmishes are “that”.

      When we do, we become our True Self which is free from karma, trauma and painful patterns – and that is exactly what NARP creates.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • khmaryam96@gmail.com'
    Maryam
    July 24, 2017

    Dear Melanie,

    In your videos you often talk about why we should let go of sth or sb that is not a part of our reality. My question is, how can we distinguish between our own reality and that of the others? How can we create our own truth?

    May God bless and protect you.
    Love,
    Maryam

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 25, 2017

      Hi Maryam,

      The truth is Maryam we all get to decide and create what is our truth.

      The easy way to work it all through is to let go of the trauma we feel, no matter what it is, how it got there or how it is affecting us.

      Because under that is our True Self who knows organically what is our truth, rights and what is or isn’t healthy.

      Otherwise it can do our heads in trying to work it all out.

      Mel xo

  • kstilgen@yahoo.com'
    Kelly
    July 25, 2017

    Hi there, almost 2 years ago I found out that my husband of 15 years (together 18 yrs, with 2 kids) had 3 affairs over the prior 9 years in our relationship. I was heartbroken, confused, angry, and everything else you can imagine. Basically his first response to me finding out fluctuated btwn “Yes, I’m a horrible messed up person” and “Well, I wasn’t happy, and I didn’t believe you truly loved me”. I was completely crushed, my world truly turned upside down, as did my sense of who I was, etc. etc.

    Slowly over time, after doing an incredible amount of research, I came to the realization I was married to a covert narcissist. That slow realization helped me separate myself emotionally from him. It has been a long road, I would say most of the people around me have been extremely supportive, and on some level I am grateful for the affairs b/c they give a concrete indication that something is off with him. From the outside it is hard for people to get a full picture and it can make you question yourself and your own perceptions. My ex doesn’t have verbal or physical abuse tendencies, but his behavior – such as the intensity of his anger which was frequently disproportionate to the offense – was rarely seen by other people and it seems uncharacteristic, so I think people would have thought I was being dramatic. My ex is very successful in his career, appears even keeled and rational, and people love him at work – but that’s b/c he exerts all of his time and energy there b/c he thrives on being viewed that way. My kids and I apparently don’t give him the hits to his ego that he constantly requires so he truly didn’t invest time and energy into us, esp in the last 5 years as my kids turned into teens/tweens.

    My ex grew up with a mother with a personality disorder, his father was anxious and distracted with a stressful job, and he was able to avoid the brunt of things by doing well in school, being well behaved, and doing what was expected…he was the “golden child”. But as he got older, I think he felt stifled by being “normal” (b/c he believed he was unique and special) and doing the right thing that was expected of him. Unfortunately he waited until we were married and I accidentally got pregnant, and suddenly he started smoking cigarettes, pot, going out all of the time, drinking excessively, and in retrospect I realize he was finally going thru the teenage rebellion phase…and guess who got to play the role of his Mom?!

    I have a compulsion to prove my case here that he is a narcissist for some reason, but I won’t spend any more time on that. : ) I worked really hard to understand him early on just so I could save my sanity and understand how and why this happened, and now I am mostly focused on my own healing, growth, and trying to be the best parent I can be. I wanted to say thank you to Melanie for the wonderful info on a subject that is grossly misunderstood, minimalized, normalized, etc., and helping people through a truly dark, disorienting experience and coming out the other side. Admittedly I haven’t done the full program at this point, as I came across this site late in my process, but the blogs and videos have been very helpful. I also want to give hope to people by proving I have made it out the other side….slowly but surely, and you can get there too!! It was absolutely essential to me to find other people and a community of people that have survived this, and materials like Melanie’s. I wish you all healing and peace!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 25, 2017

      Hi Kelly,

      My heart goes out to you for the pain and trauma that you have suffered, and I am so happy for you that you are detaching, letting go and healing you.

      It is the only way to recover …

      Wishing you all the best in healing, wellness and loving success.

      Mel xo

  • narina.shandras@gmx.de'
    Nicole
    July 26, 2017

    Dear Melanie,

    I started doing NARP in the beginning of 2015 and have always had periods of 2 – 3 months where I did the modules 1 & 2 and then I would stop because of resitance and self avoidance. About 4 weeks ago I started doing the modules again and finally noticed the point where I get so overwhelmed by emotion and pain that I rather chose to disassociate. When I tried to shift my “resistance to shifting”, I couldn’t feel anything and got very impatient and very angry at myself and the module. Thoughts came up that “modules don’t work/take too long” and that “I just can’t do this”. So my question is how do I get through this when I’d rather give up?
    The second reason for stopping the modules was that after being in touch with deeper trauma I felt worse than before. I felt lonely, overwhelmed, depressed, like “I didn’t wanne be here” and distant from everyone and I was afraid I wouldn’t get out of this state of feeling. So I was scared of continuing and feeeling like that. How do I move on from here?

    Thank You so much Melanie for your latest video “when everything seems helpless”. It really resonated and gave me the courage to write to you.

    Lots of Love, Nari

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 26, 2017

      Hi Nicole,

      I am so pleased you reached out and had the courage to post.

      Please know that where we can help you with the coaching and support to find what it is that you need to tweak / shift to breakthrough is in the NARP Forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      It is free with Gold NARP and you can easily upgrade to get in the Forum with a Silver membership by emailing support@melanietoniaevans.com

      I can’t recommend this resource for you enough Nicole.

      Mel xo

  • fgerhard72@gmail.com'
    Faith Krcmarov
    July 26, 2017

    Wow this episode has come just as I have hit a wall Mel, but then you hear that a lot.
    I’ve been NARPing for nearly 12 months consistently. Just recently I’ve been going at it pretty hard.
    I know I wouldn’t be here in the same way I am now if not for NARP. All sorts of things about me have changed organically, effortlessly. I have been truly humbled by the process. My life has always been small but I ‘thought’ I was living large. Looking back it was like a reverse tardis effect; I was surrounded by bright shiny train wrecks that I tried to survive, while possessing few internal resources with which to do it. Surviving is not living. I wont go back to that, but right now I have reached an impasse. I cant seem to get life happening and I find that I am still just trying to survive. Waking up to that realisation has been a huge kick. I’m still shifting and have gotten through a great deal over the last few months. But I am nevertheless just living in the present loop only. Disassociation makes the past foggy and after losing everything I have no future plans or goals. I’m in the waning throws of a 15 year science career that through self-sabotage and lack of confidence has finally failed. I want to get out because it isn’t who I am and never was (I know that now thanks to NARP). My creative spirit has reawakened after 20 years of brutal suppression. But the gulf between the two in trying to find a suitable occupation while I pursue my art is vast. I’m still in the flux of becoming a fuller person and find it difficult to relate to others while that is happening. I’m working hard to breach the chasm between my daughter and I who is displaying strong narc tendencies, knowing and preparing myself for the possibility of losing her too. I’m feeling groundless with no direction and no way out. I guess I’m just sick of myself Mel, and cant seem to make any more headway despite trying very hard to do so.

  • Treewood1.jk@gmail.com'
    Janet
    July 30, 2017

    I’m coming home to the place of not needing people to understand me, or validate what I’ve been thru anymore. I totally relate to those feelings of intense sadness, frustration, and anger, when people believed him and his supporters, over me, and how the more that bothered me, the more I was disappointed in mankind. It is toxic to feel that way and have to again, be dependent on someone else, and at the mercy of the fickelness of people, in order to feel worthy and whole. It was like being gaslighted again and again, and was giving me a persecution complex, and inviting people to persecute me again and again. It was becoming all that I knew, being a victim, despite alot of sucesses on my part, as well. I still didn’t feel right. I loved your video about that issue, and the one about not being able to stop loving the narcassost too. Thats my next hurdle. When I accomplish that, I’ll be entirely free. I’ve taken back my power, and I can live just fine, with how I feel about me. I don’t need to be validated all the time, to know I’m a good person.

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