Melanie Tonia Evans

Why Do Narcissists Need To Manipulate?

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 4
29
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

Being with a narcissist is maddening … it feels crazy as we watch them manipulating with constant lies and twists and turns.

We may feel like we are trying to preach to a child … “Why don’t you just be honest with people?”

And in relation to the ways the narcissist treats us … we wring our hands in despair with, “Rather than play dirty, why don’t you just ask for what you want honestly?”

Why on earth do they do what they do?

Why do virtually all narcissists use the same manipulative tactics?

Especially when, as a result of their lies and dodgy behavior, things regularly blow up in their face and their lives are filled with drama constantly.

There is a very specific reason WHY they do this, and I am going to share it with you in this video.

I’m also going to explain the truth about the narcissist’s devastating true self-image which is all deeply connected to the real reasons why they refuse to be authentic.

This may change the way you view the narcissist as powerful and even omnipotent, when you understand what is really going on inside them.

It is my deepest wish that this information will help awaken you to what “manipulation” is really about, so that you can remove yourself from the devastating effects of narcissistic tactics permanently.

When I realised that narcissistic manipulation was neither personal, nor did it have the power to affect my life, I was able to heal those parts of me that used to hand power over … and then I FINALLY broke free!

I hope with all of my heart that this video can help you do the same!

 

The following two tabs change content below.
Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

Your Free New Life Starter Pack

2 free eBooks free intro Video 2 hour free Webinar
  • Find out if someone in your life has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
  • Learn how to do “No Contact” and keep it for good.
  • Discover how to get relief from the pain.
  • Learn how to reclaim your life with my 10-step process.

Sign up below to join my Community of over 50,000 people, and receive weekly information, inspiration and tools to get your life back on track.

ssl security padlock   We value your privacy. Your information will never be shared.
29 Thoughts on Why Do Narcissists Need To Manipulate?
  • cressisan@yahoo.com'
    Lynn
    July 19, 2017

    Mel….another amazing video that resonated so much especially the part where we, as co-dependents, might have manipulated to get our way rather than show up authentically. At the beginning of the relationship with the Narc (soon to be ex) spouse I showered her and her children with gifts and bent over backwards to “seal the deal”. Looking back on it now I can see that I gave to get, that the inner child was not feeling worthy to be enough… just as she is. So I gave and gave and took a back seat to their needs and wants and of course never received anything close to the same in return; instead, I was manipulated more by the Narc until my resources were nearly dried up. Thank God that I found the NARP program and am in the process of reclaiming my life. Thank you and much love!
    Lynn xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 20, 2017

      Hi Lynn,

      I am so pleased this resonated with you!I love your self-honest – so empowering 🙂

      How wonderful you are working with NARP and coming home to you.

      Sending many blessings 🙂

      Mel xo

  • Jacqueline1326@gmail.com'
    Jacqueline
    July 19, 2017

    Dear Mel,

    You have been my angel. I thanked you Xmas 2015 for your holiday blog. There were nights during my darkest times I would listen to your videos in order to sleep, just listening to your voice, comforting me. Thank you again.

    I finally broke up with the narcissistic in my life about 9 months ago. I thought there was NO WAY he could pull the rug out from underneath me AGAIN. Yesterday he announced a decision he had made that he knew would devestate me and it literally brought me to my knees. This crazy expensive decision he made is personal toward me (he is very wealthy), I know it in my heart, and was intended to punish me for breaking up with him. I cried for like four hours as it was this huge flood of emotion and destroyed dreams he brought back to the surface. He knows exactly where and how to crush me.

    I’m much better today. I picked out some good video blogs of yours to listen to so I can be reminded of what I am dealing with. I didn’t go no contact because I felt so “sorry” for him because of his reaction to me breaking up with him and the guilt I felt moving on with my life (dating and having fun). He is so miserable everyday, so depressed, and I get sucked in time and time again. After crying for a couple hours yesterday I called my mom because that is what normal women will do, only to be reminded that she is just like him…miserable and depressed. Lord help me.

    One week ago I told a dear friend that I was so happy it scared the daylights out of me because I’m afraid someone is going to take it away from me. I am happy, I just had a relapse yesterday. My healing is a process and no contact is the only way to go, I always knew this, I just didn’t do it. It’s on the agenda now!

    Many thanks to you for keeping my head on straight from half way across the world.
    Jackie

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 20, 2017

      Hi Jackie,

      You are very welcome, and I am so pleased I could help.

      It is so important you keep loving those parts that may be triggered back to wholeness, and then you will keep growing and healing no matter what comes from him.

      When there is no “gap” in us to be crushed anymore – then the game of being hooked in and tormented is over – as is that pattern in our life … people who DON’T have our best interests at heart.

      Such as him hooking you through feeling responsible for him. Interestingly we have an entire Module in the NARP Program – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp – Module 6 dedicated to this very common hook that abusers can enmesh us through.

      It is a serious pattern in our life when we are taking responsibility for others who are not taking responsibility for themselves .. and we try to source love unconditionally via fixing others. It’s an unhealed pattern from our childhood, trying to make people well enough to love us … that keeps us involved with “unwell” people as love partners.

      Yes the pattern is your Mum!

      Deeper healing required Dear Lady for you to really clean this up.

      My real purpose Jackie is not to keep your head straight – it is to lead you to reprogram your subconscious and heal for real so that you don’t need anymore to try to keep your heard straight 🙂

      Mel xo

  • tipsy_devil@yahoo.com'
    Anonymous
    July 19, 2017

    Hi Mel

    You have shed so much light on what I once thought was “that’s just how he is”. I have awakened after investing almost half my life into one who proved to be unworthy. It’s been a heart wrenching realisation but each day I find motivation to cope from your guidance and therapy. It took me this long to awaken because it turns out he’s a highly functional narc – he is extremely intelligent, has a high status job, appears to have his life in order, is independent and financially stable and is quite the perfectionist BUT as I now know, EVIL, which he hides so well from family, friends, work colleagues… Its like they all know a different person to whom I know. He is so glamorous in the eyes of others.

    Would you consider shedding some insight on a highly functional narc.

    Thanking you…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 20, 2017

      Hi Anonymous,

      You are very welcome 🙂

      I am so pleased you are finding your way through all of this and back to you 🙂

      Yes, I will consider doing a presentation on that! Thank you for the suggestion.

      Mel xo

  • samantha.seager@outlook.com'
    Sam
    July 19, 2017

    This is amazing Mel.. I realised before I met the Narc (on my healing journey) that I had been highly manipulative during my life, especially in my interactions with men. When I left the Narc, again, I realised that I had also manipulated him on some levels, I had been seduced by his work, and his status and as well feeling intense connection to him, I really wanted to be part of his ‘seemingly’ amazing life. So, I had to be very honest with myself and recognise that I entered into that relationship for some of the wrong reasons. Big karmic wake up call for me! Your videos and insights have helped so much to look at myself in all of this.. and it is so true that the gifts in this experience are so rich, if you are willing to take that personal responsibility for your own stuff and healing. I also see that I actually behaved like a narcissist in one of my relationships with someone.. I have been able to own and apologise to that person since I recognised my codependent and narcissistic traits and seeing how they were all stemming from deep unworthiness and self loathing. Wow, big up level and now feeling empowered, wiser and stronger vas a result of all I went through with the man. I am actually grateful to him now and just feel really sorry for him… (from a distance of course!) Big love, keep up the amazing work. You are helping So many with this… bravo. xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 20, 2017

      Hi Sam,

      I adore the self-honesty that is coming out on this topic. It is so true we need to get real in order to heal!

      I LOVE That you are taking on the richness of the gifts.

      So much love and blessings to you too Sam!

      Mel xo

  • nancyfam54@gmail.com'
    Grazia
    July 19, 2017

    Anonymous, I totally understand your wretched experience with a professional, highly functioning Narc. They really are criminal and sadistic in their treatment of the caring, well meaning partner. Even emailing this comment is frightening in case of retaliation even though contact with the N has been non existent for a few years. Their ability to lie and manipulate is never ending so we must leave and start from scratch with no or few remaining friends that have not been manipulated into thinking we are the mad, bad ones.
    So I would also appreciAte some info on the most competent, highly functioning Narcs.

  • r.frangiosa@hotmail.com'
    Possum
    July 19, 2017

    Dear Mel
    Once again, your explanations make perfect sense and resonate completely with my experience.
    The ex Narc used to say often “it’s you and me against the world”, and “I could never get professional help for my issues as all of my flaws would get exposed”. I never really understood the true meaning of this until I realised that he was a Narc. He even recently got a wolf tattoo – no surprises there.

    The Narc never had relationships that were unconditional – always scheming, plotting, and devising tactics to determine what he could extract from others (esp the children). Interestingly the N is able to moderate manipulative tactics in order to ensure that he remains employed, so there is a level of self-regulation when it suits a purpose. Through court injunctions, restraining orders, and most importantly, my inner work and purging of fears and triggers, he now finally realises that I am no longer his dealer. It has taken almost 2 years, and I never thought that the vengeful behaviour and crazy mind games would subside, but it has just now. And what an incredible relief that is. I no longer have that sick, unease within, as I can identify his behaviour as a symptom of his disorder, instead of systematic nuclear attacks on me.

    Thanks so much for bringing more clarity to the inexplicable nature of Narcs – it is very helpful to know that the manipulation etc relates to their survival mechanism at play, and their grossly distorted view on the world. Ironically, the curtain eventually falls and they end up right back where they started.

    xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 20, 2017

      Hi Possum,

      that is great this resonated with you 🙂

      And always remembering Dear One, the power is when we see “how” we were hooked in and co-gerenating the fears we needed to go to and heal.

      Mel xo

  • CherylKeenan@comcast.net'
    Cheryl
    July 19, 2017

    Dear Mel: it constantly amazes me how much insight you have into these creatures. I have written in before re my narcissist abuse. I am now a year and a half out. Following along with your blog and different books I have read on the subject and also seeing a therapist, I finally feel whole again in a way I have never felt before. I was dealing with abandonment issues and co-dependency. I finally realize that I no longer need “his” or anyone else’s validation to justify my existence or to be happy and whole. I now for the first time love myself, have learned to trust myself, learned to set healthy boundaries in relationships and I am perfectly satisfied and happy in my “own” company and it feels great! Thankfully I have reached this level of healing just in time because it’s as though your ex narc knows this and they want to come in and shit all over your healing, after 18 months and over 6 months of total no contact, my narc approached me out of the blue at the gym when I didn’t realize he was there with the guise of returning a extra “key” that he had to my car that I had asked him to return a long time ago, and which he ignored. If he really wanted to return it to me, he could have simply left it in my mailbox. All of a sudden he wants to return the key to me?? He took someone else’s car to the gym so that I would not recognize his car in the parking lot and so that I would go into the gym not suspecting he would be there, then he pops up on me. It was a little creepy. I don’t think anything is random with these personality types and I’m sure he was holding onto that key waiting for a “opportunity” to approach me, not sure if his new source dumped him or if he got bored, but what I do know, is that it doesn’t matter anymore because, thanks to you, I now know that hovering attempts have nothing whatsoever to do with missing you or love or anything else, he was trying to start a conversation with me or trying to get my reaction to see if he might have a slight chance of worming his way back into my life. I am so proud of myself because I took the key, (as I really don’t want him having a key to my vehicle), but did not say a word to him even though he tried to start a conversation. I went 100% grey rock. Not sure if I could or would have been capable of that just six months ago, but now I am! I know with every core of my being that if I let him in one tiny inch, he would manipulate the situation only to try to take me down again and I know I could not survive that type of hurt and devastation a second time. To all your readers out there, BE STRONG, don’t give into the hovering attempts, do whatever you have to do! You will feel more empowered after, I promise. Love, peace and healing. Cheryl

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 20, 2017

      Hi Cheryl,

      it is so important that when we are triggered to use the opportunity to self-reflect and heal something more that we can regarding this.

      Narcissist will do what they do but they are always mirroring back to us another evolution opportunity.

      Then they truly do melt away to take it somewhere else.

      No-one truly can bring down our life and self-generating results when we are anchored firmly in them.

      That is great you granted him no physical energy – and the next level is zero emotional energy. When its totally healed, seeing him or bumping into him is as interesting as passing a slug on a pavement.

      That’s when we are free, and that is the Thriver goal.

      I hope this makes sense.

      Mel xo

      • CherylKeenan@comcast.com'
        Cheryl
        July 21, 2017

        Thanks Melanie, yes it does make total sense. Although I have come a long way, I know I am still “triggered” to some extent if I run into him, I can’t wait for that day when I consider him a “slug on the pavement”. Yes, that’s where I ultimately want to be! Thank you. You are an angel in disguise.

        Cheryl

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          July 22, 2017

          Hi Cheryl,

          I am glad that helps and makes sense.

          You are so welcome Dear Lady 🙂

          Mel xo

  • jraltizer@gmail.com'
    Julia
    July 20, 2017

    Another great talk.

    The Narc we know has so many layers of manure piled on top of his real personality no one knows what is under all that for sure.

    As his sister says “He lies when the truth would sound better!”

  • Dianna.kholodar@gmail.com'
    Dianna
    July 20, 2017

    Dear Melanie,

    I have been subscribing to your blog and YouTube channel for the past three years. I also attended most of your free webinars. I draw a lot of help from your work. In fact, no other help has been as instrumental as yours.

    I work daily on releasing my young and underdeveloped unfortunate beliefs (some turned out to be epigenetic as I was born during repression years in Soviet Union). The current biggest one is I am powerless in the face of abuse and am about to be annihilated. I share custody for two very young children with a dim narcissist. He started an extramarital affair, fathered a child out-of-wedlock, led to the demise of our marriage. But the agony of what he was doing during the divorce proceedings is impossible to relay here. I have made gigantic advances in my reactivity to his doings. I cut the contact as much as possible, but as you may guess there is always something new (currently, a child support battle two years after the divorce) initiated by him.

    The help that I need is in relation to this: no matter how many shifts I tried to do within your Shifts Happen series or how many webinars I attend, I feel my attempts remain cognitive in nature. The exercise of envisioning my young self and bringing her into a safe space, or clearing my adult container of unhelpful programs and beliefs still remains an imagery exercise. How do I transcend into the cellular release of chemical trauma constituents?
    Sincerely,
    Dianna

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 20, 2017

      Hi Dianna,

      I am so pleased I could help 🙂

      Diana what I would suggest is becoming a NARP Member http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp and coming into the NARP Forum Community where you will receive coaching (as part of your membership) and support and help with this.

      Module 8 work in NARP is specific to what you really need to be doing, as well as work with the Goal Setting Module to re-program those primal survival beliefs.

      There are many advanced techniques and shifts you can learn to take it to the next level.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • denise_mcc@comcast.net'
    Denise
    July 20, 2017

    Melanie,

    What do you do when the ex Narc husband has manipulated our 3 sons to believe that their mom was the narc? My eldest son (24) has gone no contact with me and my youngest son (19 lives with his dad) does not respond to my texts or calls. My middle son (21) lives with me and does not feel as his brothers. I have tried to explain that I was a co-dependent (i was in therapy for 8 years) not the narcissist. I am truly heartbroken over my son. I do not miss walking on eggshells or feeling worthless anymore with their father. My ex left me after 28 years for a 30yr old. We are 53 and my sons have welcomed this with open arms, which is very hurtful too. I feel I am still being ‘punished’ now by my sons. What is your recommendation on dealing with this issue which is prolonging my healing. So many people say to leave them alone, they are immature and there is nothing i can do or say. While I am trying this tactic, it truly is wreaking havoc on my self esteem and ability to move forward. Thank you for any advice.

    Denise

  • Karla.hancock@btopenworld.com'
    Karla
    July 20, 2017

    Hi Mel, I signed up to the NARP program on New Year’s Eve 2015. I haven’t managed to actually do the modules yet but listen to your videos whenever I can.
    I moved into my own place a year ago, we have 3 kids and are managing co-parenting by the grace of God. I am in a 12 Step recovery group and looking at my amends and feeling forgiveness and compassion towards him mostly nowadays.
    Your video today highlighted my key trauma I had been having difficulty identifying; my key unhealed wound is ALL men are untrustworthy and cheaters, my dad cheated, I feared that the most when I thought about my future, then my first boyfriend cheated, then my narc husband cheated (although he never admitted it). After more than 20 years I found the courage to separate. My life today has been transformed but I know that I still have that unhealed wound and would love to shift it before I look to get into another relationship.
    Do I need to shift it with Module one? Any advice appreciated.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 21, 2017

      Hi Karla,

      please know that when you start connecting to the trauma with the use of NARP you will start shifting it powerfully.

      Yes, you do start with Module 1.

      Also Karla please know for any questions about NARP wonderful coaching takes place in the NARP Forum, http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member which is a wonderful support system 24/7 with how to work with the Modules the best.

      Mel xo

  • businesskpp@strmar0.airpost.net'
    Mark
    July 20, 2017

    I got it! This is the truth. Thank you for bringing me back home!

  • brutonbabe@aol.com'
    Susan Bruton
    July 21, 2017

    My daughter used her kids constantly as pawns against me and my boys.we are just now coming through this after having her out of our lives for 2 years. She also got involved with people who rewarded her behavior.We all finally decided the relationship was not worth it.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 21, 2017

      Hi Susan,

      that is wonderful that you honoured you and did No Contact.

      Sometimes that is the only answer even if it is family.

      Mel xo

  • Temporary9122@gmail.com'
    Tasha Shaw
    July 30, 2017

    I think intimate or personal relationships with a Narc are easiest to get away from. For example, work and school situations might put you in this situation and if you love the job and your Boss or Manager is a manipulator and enjoys making people suffer that seems harder. And a Narc Boss or Professor KNOWS they will have an endless stream of supply. Terrible situation I am all too familiar with!

  • jasminemaleche@ymail.com'
    Jasmine
    August 8, 2017

    I really enjoyed this video and appreciate the service that you give to people that need healing from narcissism. However, I do notice that a lot of people don’t talk about narcissism friendships and focus more on narcissistic relationships. Nonetheless your video is spot on about the true core of a narcissism they really seem to be everywhere.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 9, 2017

      Hi Jasmine,

      Thank you and it’s my pleasure.

      This is certainly a topic that I will consider covering and thank you for your feedback 🙂

      Please know the solution, the healing path for recovery from narcissistic abuse is consistent with any form of narcissism.

      Mel xo

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *