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Who is the narcissist really?

You may have asked yourself this question numerous times during your relationship. Not because they’re mysterious but because deep inside you just know they are pretending to be something they’re not.

They’ve created an illusion that has tricked you into believing that they are powerful and you are helpless.

I fell for it too ­– not once but twice! Both my narcissistic exes were expert illusionists.

And it took me a really long time to uncover and expose what the truth about them really was.

In my latest Thriver TV episode I will explain how you can figure them out and stop their attempts at manipulating you by setting off your triggers and putting you into your fears. You do have the power to do this.

 

 

Video Transcript

I know how devastated you’ve been to experience narcissist defence mechanisms. They’re horrific, they’re shocking. And you find out that this person would rather be cruel and wrong and that they are prepared to lose everything including you, rather than be exposed.

Why is it that a narcissist will do anything to hide the truth about themselves? You’re about to find out because in this episode, we’re going to talk about exactly why.

Before I get started, I just want to give a big shout out and a thank you to all the beautiful Thrivers in this community who support my channel and who spread the word that it’s possible to heal for real from narcissistic abuse and in no shape or form does the trauma have to be a life sentence.

Please remember to subscribe and like and share my videos, especially with the people who you know they can help the most. Let’s get started.

 

Who Is The Narcissist Really?

I believe and I know that you’ve seen it too, that a narcissist would rather lose anything and even perhaps their own life than be exposed as to who they really are.

Let’s just backtrack a little bit and ask why are they like that? And it gets back to who the narcissist really is.

The narcissist is a no-self. There’s nobody home inside the narcissist. There’s no True Self. The narcissist on the inside feels empty, insignificant, defective, and irrelevant.

You may have heard the saying … It was in The Wizard of Oz and it was a great metaphor that’s been used many times on this planet. It’s about the small little man behind the curtain, pretending to be the ruler of everybody. This is exactly what the narcissist is.

The narcissist on the inside, without being able to be behind the curtain, feels like a little insignificant person. And this is why they’ve had to create a False Self, to be able to pull the strings and be able to lord their presence over others to get what they want and to get agendas fulfilled.

How does the narcissist do that?

 

The Illusion Of Power Of The Narcissist

After really having nothing of their own self-generation on the inside and their own power, how do they wield power over others? Let’s find out about that, because it’s an illusion.

The narcissist doesn’t have any power on their own. They really don’t. And it’s the greatest horror for them that you find that out. That is the thing that freaks them out the most. It’s the greatest terror for them – that you’re going to stand in your own power and in your own presence and your own truth rather than handing power over to them.

So how does the narcissist stop you doing that, finding your own power and your own truth? They create an illusion that they’re powerful and that you are helpless. How do they do that?

They do that by triggering… Well, first of all, they’re incredibly intuitive, they sense it out, they ask questions, they observe you intently and they work out your triggers.

What are your triggers? They’re your traumas and your fears that you have about yourself and about life and about others.

And then what they do is they’ve pretended to come into your life or to be the person in your life who should give you comfort and support and solidness and strength in your life. But what they actually do is they manipulate you by setting off your triggers and putting you into your fears in order for you to be confused about yourself, life and others, and in fear of them and also dependent on them.

That’s how they cause you to be separated from your own power. And you know that, because when you’ve been with a narcissist you’ve experienced how much it hurts – their actions, their words, their neglect, they’re not caring about you and then they will discard you and devalue you heartlessly. It feels like you’re going to die. It hurts so much.

The more the narcissist does that to you, the more you’re stripped of your connection to yourself and your power and the narcissist can control you.

Narcissists also will tell you, “You’re nothing without me. You can’t survive without me. You can’t think or breathe without me.” And they lead you to believe that you need them and that they are the controller of your love, approval, survival, and security, and they have you disconnected from yourself and fully focused on them to try to regulate that and to try and be safe with all of that.

And then the narcissist, because they have you on that hook of full attention and focus on them instead of being in your power, can dump pain all over you when they fall into the feelings of their inner traumatized, disconnected, disintegrated self.

And you know, that narcissists get triggered off very, very easily. And when you’re hooked, they can kick you. They can dump it all over you. And they also can harvest you for narcissistic supply constantly, which is your energy – good or bad, it makes no difference.

Any attention has narcissistic supply, your resources, sex from you, and any of the other goodies that the narcissist decides that he or she wants to extract or grab. Now, this can only happen to you when a narcissist has separated you from your True Self.

 

When You Confront The Narcissist’s True Self

Somewhere along the line, absolutely you realize you’re in a shonky deal. You realize you’re getting hurt. You realize it’s all about the narcissist. And you realize that your Life Force, your soul, your energy, and your sanity is going down the drain. So you are going to confront the narcissist. You’re going to confront them.

So what happens when you confront the narcissist’s True Self? Because their False Self, to them, which is the mask, which is the false person. It’s not the True Self. Their False Self is above reproach. How dare you question it? How dare you ask for accountability?

When you ask for accountability and when you question or you stand up to the narcissist or you’ve had enough, you are approaching the True Self because you’re not just blindly going along with being a servant to the False Self. So really what you’re doing is you’re calling on the narcissist to explain who they are, why they’re doing this, and to justify their outrageous and abusive behaviour.

Now, this is when you see defences and it makes your head spin. And there are countless ways. I’ve written about 20 different odd ways that a narcissist can twist and turn and use their ego defences.

They do that to avoid being real, humble and honest, which are all True Self features, “Well, I’m going to tell you the truth and how I really feel and I’m going to own up to what I’m doing, and I’m certainly going to have some compassion for you.” It’s only a True Self that can do that.

The False Self is covering over the True Self. The narcissist never wants you to see that or know that. So you’re going to receive lies, diversions, projections, unrelated accusations.

So it’s like you’re bringing up what’s happening now, when they’re talking about what you did five years ago. Tit for tat retaliations, purposefully triggering comments, which are off topic that have got nothing to do with what you’re trying to talk about, and outright abuse, which could be name calling or storming out on you or telling you that it’s finished or threatening you.

Why has this happened? Because you are rattling the narcissistic cage, because you are calling on them by approaching them to be accountable. You’re calling on them to be true, real, honest and in integrity, which is anything but where the narcissist wants to be.

If they go to integrity and truth and showing up honestly and with compassion, that would mean they’ve got to be in their True Self. And their True Self is disintegrated. It’s been disowned. So, so long ago, a narcissist decided, often unconsciously as a child, that True Self cannot get its needs met and it’s ineffectual and it’s useless. So they buried it and put a False Self on the top.

The last thing a narcissist wants to do is to go into the True Self and feel those unmet, unhealed wounds. Because to a narcissist, it feels like emotional annihilation. And therefore the narcissist’s very emotional survival depends on defending fiercely and viciously to the death, this part of themselves.

So what can you do? What can you do about this? We’re going to talk about that in just a minute.

But if you confront the narcissist with the truth about them, 100%, which is asking for accountability and them to show up, or you call it out, “You’re damaged. This is why you do this.” 100% you are going to be met with the full weaponry of the narcissist who is going to punish you for interfering.

And what generally happens then, of course, that arsenary, is all about smashing and attacking any of your wounds that get triggered. And what you’ll find is you hand power over to him or her again. You’re going to get destroyed. You’re going to get upset. You’re going to get enraged. You’re going to feel incredibly betrayed and let down and abandoned. It’s horrible. It’s really bad if you go in there.

In truth, anyone who dares to expose the narcissist will be punished. The narcissist is going to be fierce in their defence of who they are.

 

What Is Your True Solution To This?

So what is your real solution to this?

I really want you to know that the more that you try to expose the narcissist’s True Self, the more you hook up the vengeful attacks from a narcissist. I really want you to realize that if you are going to call a narcissist out, “You’re damaged. You’re a narcissist. You have a disintegrated True Self that you won’t even operate from, and you don’t want to heal it.”

If you’re going to call a narcissist out, then make sure you’re not doing it to try to get them to own it, change it or amend the way they’re behaving towards you, because it’s impossible and you’re just going to get let down and attacked over and over again.

If you’re calling a narcissist out, it really needs to come from a place where you’re accepting that there’s nothing you can do to get to the True Self. And it really needs to be your ending comment.

You know who this person is, you know there’s no chance that you’re going to be able to have a real relationship with a False Self. And that it’s time for you to detach and make it your mission to pull away and heal yourself so that you can be really real with your inner wounds that the narcissist has been using against you. They’re the bullets that he or she has been putting in their gun.

Then you will be able to up level to be able to have relationships with a True Self in the future. And when anybody tries to hit your wounds and your gaps, you’re just like, “Sorry, that’s your stuff. I’m not buying into that. I’m not going to hook in. This just feels yuck to me. I’m going to move away.”

It won’t be your reality anymore. That’s what happens when we do the inner work. That’s your liberation and your emancipation from all of this, which means, β€œThat stuff is no longer my reality.”

I hope that this has helped you understand exactly what is going on here and know that you’re not going to get a narcissist to connect with their True Self. And even if they do, because you may say to me, “But Melanie, I’ve seen my narcissist be humble and real and truthful with me.”

Now, in the case of a narcissistic injury, when enough bad stuff has happened, for a moment, the false self can crumble and they can be humble. But as soon as they get any energy and narcissistic supply, their defences go back up and it’s back to narcissistic behaviour as usual. And they can feign that they’re being real and responsible and humble to fulfill an agenda. They’re consummate actors.

And you know this because it doesn’t stick and the cycles keep coming over and over again. Real people who were meant to meet their True Self, are on a trajectory upwards with a few slips along the way. It’s not always these spirals back into the same stuff over and over.

So your life always, and the quality of it, is up to you changing you, which means healing yourself out of the programs and the patterns that have kept you trauma-bonded and handing power over to false selves rather than being your empowered self.

Reversing that stuff is what all of my work is about. It’s not just about information about narcissism and narcissistic abuse. It’s about deeply turning inwards for true healing solutions for you to break free from these old patterns and Thrive in your life, no matter what your background has been, or even if abuse is all that you’ve ever known.

 

Conclusion

I really want to offer you the hope of unraveling all of this and taking your power back so that no longer will any little man or woman behind the screen be pulling your strings.

One of the ways I can really help you do this is to introduce you to my 16-day free course, it’s packed full of information and resources. They’re all free to help you.

You can join up to this by clicking the link at the top of this video, or you can see this and all of my healing resources in the links in the description with this video.

I really hoped that this has helped you. I’m looking forward to your comments and your questions below.

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Commments (43) + Leave a comments

43 thoughts on “Narcissists Will Do ANYTHING To Hide This Truth About Themselves

  1. REACTING TO THIS GREAT POST. WHAT ABOUT THE CHILD FROM THIS MARRIAGE. WHAT DOE SHE HAVE TO ENDURE. THE MOTHER CAN DETACH BUT THE CHILD SPENDING TIME WITH HIS FATHER. THIS IS MY MAJOR WORRY. WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO MY LITTLE WONDERFUL GRANDSON.? HE DOE SNOT KNOW HIS FATHER REALLY. THE MAN NEVER FACE TIMES AND IN THE SUMMER NEVER VISITED. MY DAUGHTER MOVE INT WITH ME TO PROTECT OURSELVES FROM TEH VIRUS AND TO GET AWAY FROM HIM. ANY THOUGHTS.

    1. Mary, one aware, loving parent can show the child the right path and teach the tools needed to live with and overcome this obstacle placed in their life. Forget the court system, forget therapists, counselors (unless you get really lucky), the only hope is with the one parent who truly understands and doesn’t just shelter the child, but teaches the child the best way to survive.

    2. Hi Mary,

      I do have quite a few resources which can help guide, in detail, regarding this challenge.

      If you google my name plus “parallel parenting” and “our children” I hope that this can help.

      Sending healing and love to the situation

      Mel πŸ™πŸ’•πŸ’š

  2. I am a child of a dark entity NARC female parent and an afilited with her by default abandoning male parent. The only thing i know that a parent of a broken relationship with a NARC can do is make yourself an example of protection teaching and respect as a moral compass. I am the effect of a worst case scenario. The utter desecration of my life completely thrown under the bus 🚌 . And i had been under the surface of hope for my life whole life. There is no deeper confidence betrayal. Do what my male parent did not have the resources to give me a full life while having to abandon me for his own safety from a hidden dark entity PSYCHOPATHIC intentions wife. A woman that has been harming me since before my birth for some petty fanciful construct spinning in her EGO replacement of her humanity. My “Daddy” was an enlightened being to a grand degree. Both my parents were college educated. High achievers. Not necessarily for their children though. Bringing children into the world doesn’t preclude your relationship with your spouse. But you now have a moral responsibility to them until they become competent and able to be competitive in your neighborhood population and the geographic zone intended for you and your family. I type this because of the comment i read that has everything to do with my particular circumstances. That MARY IN THE PREVIOUS COMMENT. this is in hopes of you bringing it around for your self to allow your friends family and children to function and fulfill your lives in happiness and not the affect of the loss I’ve been forced to suffer with out a peep. G’day.

  3. Melanie,
    I watch your β€œ Narcissist will do anything to hide
    there truth about themselves” episode . It was so helpful and gave such on point description of what it’s like dealing with a Narcissist! You have given me strength and empowerment !
    Thank you for all you do!

    Lori

  4. Melanie I stayed for 51 years. I had no idea what I was suffering with. So much confusion. Like I was seeing someone I didnt know. Having been physically abused early in life thru school years, never told I was loved until mother dying with cancer, felt I was invisible growing up. Tired to achieve in school so parents would think I was special, someone, other than a caretaker. Husband came along at 19 with so much attention and love I finally felt love. Married at barely 20. Year and half later everything changed. There was someone else in his life he saw at work. . I didnt know but was confused about his change. It got worse slowly from there on. I lived on a roller viaster. Thrown away then manipulated and reeled back in over and over. Verbal, emotional, financial abuse though I worked 30 years, and lastly physical abuse when I tried to get answers. Confusion, denial as I learned that skill growing up. My mind could only handle all the abuse by denying to point I pushed everything so far in my mind to survive. I wanted to give my daughters a home. Finally he made fun of me in front of grandson’s coach and my mind exploded. Still trying to understand myself. Understand that his mental illness is real, accepting what Ive endured and gave my life for. Your lesson tonight has helped me REALLY see, helped me accept what was my life. I pray those enduring narcissistic abuse will let your wisdom and help sink in and not allow a false self to steal years as I did. I cant get those years back. Having hard time now realizing I did. Community, church and my daughters are shocked as I covered it all well. I loved them too much to tear their world apart too. Im now working on me and facing it all is very painful. But I want to thank you so much for your article today. Thank you for helping me see more clearly. I lived in a fog. I could not think clearly. Thank you for further helping me understand. Thank you Melanie. Thank you.

  5. Hi Melanie, I was involved with a narcissist for over four years. I was emotionally devested, and I was not feeling like myself at all. I didn’t even realize it until he discarded me. Looking back now, I am so happy that I realized just how toxic he was. I am now in a relationship that has no drama, finger pointing, etc. It is a blessing, and I just want all to know that you can get over a narcissist relationship – it might take a while, like it did with me – I am much happier now than I was in the past. There is hope and healing. And PS I look much better now than I was with then a narcissist who told me I looked “worn out.” How dare he!!! He knew how to rip the soul out of me and not be supportive. Everyone who is in this type of relationship….please, please find a way to get out before they suck the life out of you.

  6. I gave the narca demon the riot act, with in the law, for what I know he’s doing. Leading our eldest daughter down the wrong track & disrespecting me. I walked out the door & left him on 5/9/20. We haven’t spoken since & I don’t intend to ever again. When, I’m done, I’m done!! Not about to marry again. Too busy with my writing, researching & advocacies. Also, I’m redoing my office. How many narca demons does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. They use gas lighting. Love, light, & truth.

  7. 25 years of not knowing and then being discarded. It hurts so much. I feel so stupid and traumatised and he has an amazing life now. I don’t need him to show remorse or empathy I understand now he is too weak to show those traits but I would like a bit of karma to happen why does it feel like he has got away with things Scott free with no consequences while I live with the financial consequences every day.

    1. DEAREST HELEN,… SHIRLEY HERE. COMING OUT OF A 22 YR. ENDENTURED SERVETUDE TO A TEXT BOOK NARC, WHO STARTED OUT AS A COVERT. BUT AFTER YRS OF MAKING IT WORK ON ME, HE NO LONGER FELT THE NEED TO EVEN TRY AND HIDE HIS MANIPULATION, MIND GAMES, GASLIGHTING AND FINANCIAL MANIPULATIONS OF ME. HE WENT FULLY OVERT, TO THE DEGREE THAT FRIENDS AND FAMILY WERE MAKING COMMENTS, SOME DEFENDING ME, CONFIRMING TO ME THAT I AM NOT CRAZY, LIKE HE WANTS EVERYONE, ESPECIALLY ME, TO BELIEVE. OH BOY DO I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. I TOO, AM A PERSON THAT THINKS THAT NOT ONLY IN RELATIONSHIPS, BUT OTHER THINGS IN LIFE AS WELL…..SHOULD BE FAIR!!!!! I HAVE HAD FANTASIES ABOUT HOW ‘LIFE’, ‘KARMA’, ‘COSMIC FORCES’ OR GOD, COULD DO OR MAKE HAPPEN THAT COULD RE-ALIGN MY SENSE OF FAIRNESS, JUSTICE IN THIS WORLD NOT JUST MY MARRIAGE. AND I HAVE DISCOVERED, YES, EVEN REVENGE AND ALOT WORSE. VERY DARK TOUGHTS. AFTER ALL, LIKE IT OR NOT I AM HUMAN TOO, WITH CHARACTER FLAWS, IF YOU WILL. PROBLEM IS, THESE CHARACTER FLAWS AREN’T ACTUALLY PART OF ‘MY’ CHARACTER AT ALL!!!! THEY ARE THE MANIFESTATION AND/OR MY REACTION TO THE MANIPULATION OF MY EXTERNAL EXISTENCE. PLEASE READ THE PRIOR SENTENCE AT LEAST TWICE!! THIS NARC WAS CAUSING ME TO CHANGE THE INNER CORE (MY SPIRIT, MY SOUL, MY CHARACTER) OF WHO I’VE ALWAYS KNOWN MYSELF TO BE. NOTICE I SAID, HE WAS CAUSING “ME” TO CHANGE MY CORE. WHEN YOU BUY INTO THE GARBAGE THEY SPEW, YOU ARE COOPERATING IN YOUR OWN DESTRUCTION. I ALSO KNOW HOW I JUST GOT TIRED OF THE RAGES AND THE VENOM. AS PAINFUL AS IT IS, AND IT DEFINATELY IS, WE ALL HAVE TO SOONER OR LATER ACCEPT AT LEAST A MODICUM OF RESPONSIBILTY FOR WHAT OTHERS DO TO US. IT CAN BE EXCRUTIATINGTO REALIZE, I HELPED HIME DO THIS TO ME, BUT I DID. I LEARNED THRU MELANIE AND THERAPY, WHY. MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME FROM DAY ONE TO BE SUBSERVIANT TO MEN. THEY ARE IMPORTANT. A WOMAN’S VALUE LIES SOLELY IN HER ABILITY TO SERVE A MAN AND MAKE HIM ‘HAPPY’. SO, MY WHOLE LIFE, I HAVE SACRIFICING EVERYTHING I AM OR WILL BE , TO A MAN’S WANTS AND NEEDS. SO NOW, I HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT IS IS A UNHEALED WOUND FROM A VERY LONG TIME AGO, THAT I HAVE CARRIED ALL THIS TIME. IT HAS BEEN THE DOCTRINE THAT I HAVE OPERATED UNDER, AND IT HAS CAUSED ME HORRENDOUS SUFFERING AT THE HANDS OF MEN. I “LET” THEM DO IT BECAUSE MOMMA SAID SO. SOUNDS CRAZY, RIGHT? ESPECIALLY SINCE I AM 59 YEARS OLD!!!! STILL LIVING THE WAY MY MOTHER DEEMED APPROPRIATE FOR HER. AND THAT’S THE RUB TOO, BECAUSE MY FATHER WAS ABUSIVE AND CHEATED ON HER. IHAVE KNOWN THAT “THIER” MODEL OF A MARRIAGE WAS VERY FLAWED AND BROKEN, BUT I FOLLOWED IT ANYWAY. ALL OF THIS SAID, I DIGRESS. IF I ARRIVE AT THE PERSPECTIVE OF, LIKE IT OR NOT, TO AN EXTINT, I ALLOWED IT TO BE DONE TO ME, ……THE WHAT DOES GOD, KARMA OR FATE OWE ME? NOTHING REALLY, ESPECIALLY IF YOU COOPERATED IN YOUR OWN DEMISE. SO, WILL ANY OF IT END UP “FAIR”. ABSOLUTELY NOT!! SOME OF MY OWN FAMILY SIDES WITH HIM, BECAUSE THEY ARE LIKE HIM. MOST OF OUR FRIENDS HAVE EITHER CHOSEN HIM, ARE TELLING HIM EVERYTHING I SAID SO HE HAS MORE WEAPONS, OR SIMPLY ABANDONED ME ALLTOGETHER. AND THE COURTS ARE ALREADY SHOWING FAVORITISM TO THIS SMART, CHARMING, BUSINESS MAN….WHO IS IN THE BUSINESS OF TAKING CARE OF DEVELOPMENTALLY DELAYED PERSONS. WHO AM I? THAT GOLD-DIGGING WOMAN WHO HAS GOTTEN TO LIVE IN A BIG HOME, DRIVE NICE CAR AND HAVE A CREIDIT CARD. HELL, SOUNDS GREAT TO EVERYONE!!! NNOW LETS FLIP THAT COIN OVER. HE DIDN’T PUT MY NAME ON OUR HAOUSE UNTILL WE WERE MARRIED MANY YEARS, SAME WITH MONEY ACCTS. THAT NICE WAS IN HIS COMPANY’S NAME. FOR 22 YEARS, I DID NOT HAVE A VEHICLE IN MY NAME. I BOUGHT MY 1ST ONE AT 16 AND HAVE ALWAYS HAD A CAR, UNTIL I MARRIED HIM. THE CREDIT CARDS AND THE BANKS WERE CALLED AS MUCH AS 3 TIMES A DAY TO CHECK ON MY TRANSACTIONS. ALL THE WHILE, HE KEPT 100% CONTROL OVER MY PAYCHECK AND IF I PUT SOMETHING ON CREDIT CARD FOR ME, I HAD TO PAY IT BACK. EVEN THE MONEY FOR GAS TO TAKE MY 97 YR OLD MOM TO THE DOCTOR!!!!! SO, I KNOW YOU FEEL WHAT I CALL “REEMED OUT”, SIMMULAR TO HAVING SEVERE DIAREHEA FOR MANY DAYS AND YOU JUST WANT IT TO STOP BUT YOU ARE SOOOOOOO WEAK, SLUNG OUT. ONLY IT’S PSYCHOLOGICAL, NOT PHYSICAL. IN MY CASE , IT IS OBVIOUS WHO THE COURT’S FAVORED CHILD IS. BUT I KEEP IN MIND THAT THEY ARE COMPLETELY SET UP TO FAVOUR HIM. I DIDNT START A 2 MIL $$$ BUSINESS HELPING HELPLESS PEOPLE, I AM “JUST A WIFE”. SO, NO MY DEAREST, IT WILL NEVER BE “FAIR” OR FEEL “FAIR”. YOUR JUSTICE CAN ONLY COME FROM NO LONGER BEING THE VICTIM, LIVING A LIFE WELL, WHILE PERSUING YOUR DREAMS, GOALS AND HAPPINESSES, …..AND OF COURSE, LEARNING TO NEVER ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE A VICTIM TO ANYONE AGAIN. FROM..STARTING ALL OVER AGAIN AT 59… HI, MY NAME IS SHIRLEY AND I AM A NARC SURVIVOR AND I;M 5 MONTHS F….R…E…E. WHERE’S MY CHIP? MUCH LOVE TO YOU.

    2. Hi Helen,

      my heart goes out to you for the trauma that you are feeling.

      I want you to know with all of my heart, myself and so many people have felt in this place you are in right now.

      I really want you to know that there is a way to get relief and some hope. Please come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar and I can show you how.

      Sending you healing and a solution

      Mel πŸ™πŸ’•πŸ’š

  8. Thanks for all your resourceful U tube videos and podcasts. If at I am surviving now your videos are also an important factor.. It gave me light, when I was in the dark.

    1. I feel, I have communicated with you via Facebook (not sure)… anyhow, all the best! Me too, going the same route from darkness to light. I wish, I had studied Psychology in college. Then, less number of years would have been wasted. The worst part… is that… it is difficult to break trauma-bonding. That, I think I am 90% successful by trying for 1 year. God bless!!!

  9. Oh wow, thanks so much Melanie, you nailed it! At the very core!

    I sent my Narc a “final note” on the very first day of the lockdown last year. He had accidentally (?) sent me pictures of him in lockdown with another ex of his.

    We had had a relationship that officially ended because I wanted the relationship to evolve: to grow deeper and possibly have a baby together (I was in my mid 30s). This idea of having a baby scared him so much, that he took a girlfriend that already had a child from a previous relationship after me. During that relationship, he contacted me numerous times (supply alert), saying he wanted me but he did not want a full relationship because of the baby question.

    To cut a long story short, at a certain point he admitted the idea of having a baby actually “excited” him, and he proposed to meet again. But when this didn’t work out and I confronted him with his flaky behaviour, he left me with no answer. And apparently decided to go back to the other ex.

    Even though I went no contact that day, he still managed stupify me once more. When I made the mistake to look on his (public) social media recently, he had proudly announced he was expecting a baby.

    Open to interpretation of course… but my lesson was learnt.

    1. Hi Julie,

      you are very welcome.

      Big hugs and sending you healing.

      That is the way through to your real and beautiful life as well as a baby with a man of integrity and commitment and loyalty.

      Have you heard about my NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp ?

      I can’t recommend it enough to do the inner work, break free from abuse programs and align with your true abuse-free life and life-partner!

      Much love to you

      Mel πŸ™πŸ’•πŸ’š

  10. I am almost three years past my narc. The experience really pointed out to me that I as a co-dependent was responsible for pulling out of the addictiveness of my familiarity. In other words, I was so used to having someone make me “earn” my life with them that I was unaware of my dependency. I now recognize that not only do Narcissists abandon themselves, but that people like me register extremes in ourselves through negative and traumatic experiences that are inflicted by our parents, the very ones who birth, shape, raise/neglect us to be who we turn out to be. I am so grateful to you for having shared your life and wisdom with us. I truly benefit by knowing that you are my resource material and that you are also the picture of healing. I will continue to follow you and feel assured that you have my best interests at heart. Thank you.

  11. I honestly chuckled when I heard you describe the NARC reactions. The reactions are EXACTLY what mine does! It odd isn’t it? It’s as if you know him.

  12. I have lived with a narcissist for20 years. We have 2 children. He was violent for a longtime until I finally left. However I returned believing he could change. He insisted on couples counselling but this backfired and made him incredibly angry so he stopped going. The counsellor advised me to leave. I’m still here. I have to work for him in his businesses and do everything around the house. The violence did stop but the shouting screaming and controlling got much worse I have 2 older children also from a previous relationship and when I left my son stood up to the narcissistic which has resulted in him not being allowed to our house for the past 4 years. I have no where else to go and no one to help. I try to protect the children and I feel it’s hardest for my youngest who is 11. I do teach her not to absorb Daddies criticisms and put downs, and she knows his thoughts are not reality. I hope so anyway. It’s such a hard impossible situation. I have recently realised that this has happened because I was used to putting up with a lot as a child. My father is bipolar with psychotic episodes. This happened as a result of great trauma to him when I was 9. I learnt to put everyone else’s needs first and it was paramount not to upset my dad. I realise all of this but actually dealing with it is easier said than done.

    1. Hi Julie,

      my heart goes out to you.

      Do you have the ability to have some space and time on your own? If so I’d love you to come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar and/or sign up for my free 16 Day Course http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse which grants you lots of support and information that can start to help you get clarity and relief and direction.

      I so hope that this can help you.

      Mel πŸ™πŸ’•πŸ’š

  13. I HAVE BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A NARCISSIT FOR OVER TWENTY YEARS, BELIEVE ME I DID’NT KNOW THAT WE HAVE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD LIKE THAT! MY EX NARC WAS AWFUL I COULD’NT FIGURE OUT FOR THE LIFE OF ME WHY THIS PERSON FLIP THE SCRIPT ON ME OVERNIGHT I THOUGHT HE WAS THE ONE FOR ME UNTIL I REALIZE SOMETHING WAS OFF WITH THIS PERSON I STARTED NOTICING A CHANGE IN HIS BEHAVIOR AND THE COMMUNICATION WITH HIM WAS HARD TO COMMUNICATE WITH HIM THE TANTRUMS ,LYING TWISTING EVERYTHING AROUD LIKE IT WAS MY FAULT WITHHELD SEX FROM ME WHEN IN THE BEGINNING WAS THE BEST EVER AND NOW I’M BEING TREATED WITH SUCH HATE I HAD TO WALK ON EGGSHELLS WHENEVER I GO AROUND HIM AFRAID TO SPEAK MY TRUTH BECAUSE I DID’NT WANT HIM TO GET UPSET WITH ME HE GAVE ME SILENT TREATMENT FROM DAYS TO MONTHS WHENEVER I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT US HE SHUTS THE COVERSATION DOWN SO HE DIDN’T HAVE TO ANSWER THE QUESTION HE STARTED WORKING LATE HOURS EVEN WHEN HE WAS OFF HE WOULD GO IN TO WORK AT LEAST THAT’S WHAT HE TELLS ME AND THEN I STARTED GETTING THIS AWKWARD FEELING IN MY STOMACH EVERYTIME HE CAME AROUND I FELT UNEASY AS IF SOMETHING IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN THEN HE STARTED CALLING ME NAMES MAKING ME FEEL LESS THAN A WOMAN AND THAT’S WHEN I WENT BACK TO SCHOOL TO FIND OUT WHAT THE HELL I HAVE ,ENCOUNTER, A MONSTER IS WHAT I SAW ONE PARTICULAR NIGHT THE MASK FELL OFF AND I WAS SCARE SHIT I NEVER SEEN A PERSON WITH EYES LIKE THAT IT LOOKED LIKE SOMETHING FROM A HORROR MOVIE I STARTED LOOKING UP THIS TITLE (NARCCISSIT) AND TO MY SURPRISE I REALIZE WHAT I WAS DEALING WITH AND I KNEW IT WAS TIME TO GET A PLAN TO GET AWAY FROM THIS MONSTER

  14. Yes, it is, if you dare to expose them you will be dragged into outter darkness to be punished and held captive along with them.

  15. Yes, if you dare to expose them you will be dragged into outter darkness to be punished and held captive along with them.

  16. Hi Melanie,
    Thank you for this episode.
    For the moment I try to build a social network which is not easy…
    Here they have a buddy system, but what happened is that the person who’s responsible for my region contacted me and wanted to be my buddy instead of matching me with one of the volunteers (the real buddy’s). i discovered soon she is a N, she is searching for contacts herself since she moved and it is difficult to learn to know new people.
    But she’s only available when it suits her of course…so I contacted the organization and asked if I could explain something and I tried to explain that my needs are not really met, that I think I need an other match. They told me they were going to match me with someone else and that I could count on the fact that they were not going to discuss it with her…today I got a call that they are going to discuss it with her and that they are going to find an other buddy for me together with her since she is responsible for my region (??)
    In the light of what you explain here do you have any advice how I can handle this in the best way?
    I think she’s not going to be happy when they discuss this with her and I didn’t feel okay that they just switched their approach. I feel very lonely since I can do very little in this lockdown but I learned from your program that it is better to be alone than with a N

    Thank you for the video.
    Much love!

    1. Hi Nath,

      It’s my pleasure.

      Without knowing the mechanics of the setup I can’t really comment on the line of command …

      However I will say this – your rights and truth and yours – no-one needs to agree with you, only you need to agree with you.

      If you don’t want to buddy with her, what can they say and do?

      Maybe it’s time to seek another organisation that is more aligned with your truth?

      Mel πŸ™πŸ’•πŸ’š

      1. Hi Melanie,

        Thank you for the reply.
        I think you are right that i need to find an other organization that aligns more with my truth yes.
        My question about how handling it best, is she lives nearby (the person who wants to ‘buddy’), she’s in coaching with a colleague of mine who lives here too and she’s in contact with other people/professionals I’m in contact with so I think when she feels exposed because i told something about what is not feeling well in the contact that she might smear me and I still have a lot of (inner) work to deal with stuff coming my way from N parents, N ex and I’m very tired after an operation so the less collateral damage the better…
        Blessing to you.
        Natalie

  17. My grandson, when he was 16, left his narcissist mother, who was neglecting him. He has now lived with me for over 2 years. We have been through Child Protective Services; they helped him with therapy to understand her, and he has limited contact with her when necessary. Of course we have been through every stage of punishment from her. How did he have the knowledge at 16 to leave the mess he was living in?

  18. Every time I watch one of your videos , it’s like you are speaking to me directly. I 100% agree with everything you say and you give me the strength again whenever I need it.
    Thank you with all my heart xxx

  19. The insidious horrible hoovering manipulations the narc uses on my children, sends me reeling, my whole nervous system goes on high alert “Don’t hurt my babies!” my natural mother instinct to protect gets triggered into overdrive. My kids narc father constantly discards, stone walls and is uncaring to his childs needs one minute, and then love bombs hoovers them the next. My children are left stunned and shaken. All I want to do is keep my children safe and have a healthy psychological, emotional and physical sense of themselves. I fear that the narc father is conditioning my children to disconnect to from there true-self, to doubt themselves to leave my children feeling like they have no integrity, value, confidence to stand up for themselves because if my children do those things ie. stand up for themselves and have there own integrity they constantly get gas lighted and stone walled. Can anybody help me with tips and advise?

  20. Hi guys! First of all I am so happy to have found this community and became enlightened to the truth of narcissism. I have been used and abused for the best part of 10 years now and the narcissist I have been engaged with now owes me a fairly substantial amount of money from me paying for their addictions and having them continually tell me they’re going to pay me back hooking me in time and time again! I have even got the police involved with this person on a number of occasions but no matter how much I tried, found I could not get rid of them. Even having periods of NO COMMUNICATION only to have them stalk me and use some kind of benevolent excuse to get the whole thing started all over again. Even telling me that they were being abuses by an ex partner only to find out it was mostly them who were abusing the partner. I have decided to go into “NO CONTACT” starting today even though they owe me money. Can anyone tell me if this is a good idea?

    1. Hi Justus,

      sometimes you have to pay to have your rubbish removed.

      The truth is, and I think you know this, you are not going to get your money back.

      detach, heal, grow and take the evolutionary lesson.

      It is worth its weight in gold!

      Mel πŸ™πŸ’•πŸ’š

  21. The more I read ( more so the more NARP and quantum freedom healing programmes of yours πŸ™ the more I have embody the truths each and every time I read / watch thie Info you bring forth .. it’s like a light bulb moment …. And it’s all to do the Tory NARP programmes πŸ™πŸ™πŸ™πŸ™πŸ™ŒπŸ»πŸ™ŒπŸ»πŸ™ŒπŸ»πŸ™ŒπŸ»πŸ™ŒπŸ»β€οΈβ€οΈβ€οΈβ€οΈβ€οΈβ€οΈ Thank you Angel πŸ˜‡ Mel

  22. Relationships are difficult sometimes, I don’t believe that you can or should only be in one once assured everyone is perfect. I think relationships even the ones we regret can help us grow, though of course it’s up to you to decide how and when you are going to get out of an extremely abusive situation.

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