[breadcrumb]

Let me tell you some important truths about a false self.

This is a person who is not authentic. This is somebody who is an actor. They’re being something other than their True Self because they have an agenda. This is a person who is telling you what you want to hear because they are manipulating you.

You may ask yourself, why are they doing this? Why can’t they just be honest?

In my latest Thriver TV episode, I will explain to you why the narcissist’s True Self has been shrivelled up and disowned. I will also explain to you how to stop giving them your resources, your emotions, your Life Force, your Soul, your body, your sexual self, your contacts, your money, your attention and everything else the false self wants from you.

 

 

Video Transcript

In today’s Thriver TV, I’m going to be going through with you what a false self means, why the narcissist’s true self is so damaged and ineffective, and how a person who is living their life through their false self behaves.

Also, why this is so incredibly damaging and truly devastating for you to live with, and how such a powerful opportunity can emerge for you to anchor into and activate your True Self.

So just before we get started I’d love to remind you to hit the subscribe button, if you haven’t already, and please like this video if you find it healing and helpful.

Let’s get started.

 

What Is A False Self?

This is a person who is not being authentic. This is somebody who is an actor. They’re living through a charade. They’re being something other than their True Self to secure an agenda. This is a person who is telling people what they want to hear, they’re manipulating.

What is happening with a false self is that they are pretending to be something that they’re not actually feeling on the inside. They’re doing what they’re doing to be able to get their needs met, not in constructive or healthy or authentic ways.

Why are they doing this? Why are they actually doing this? Why aren’t they just being honest about what’s going on for them or what they’re feeling or what they really need? Why aren’t they capable of actually tapping into somebody else’s true feelings or meeting their feelings or their needs in healthy ways?

Why has a narcissist made it all about themselves?

A false self is incredibly insecure. A false self is very damaged. Why is a false self so damaged and so insecure? It’s all to do with the state of their True Self.

 

What State Is The Narcissist’s True Self In?

The narcissist’s True Self has been shrivelled up, it’s been disowned, it’s been divorced by the narcissist. The narcissist’s True Self is not effective and it’s actually catatonic.

The reason it’s like that is because at some point in the narcissist’s life, either consciously or unconsciously, the narcissist decided that, β€œI can’t get my needs met by being myself.”

The narcissist can’t be a True Self because it’s damaged, it’s disowned, it never grew up to be a whole, wholesome, at peace, inner solid entity. The narcissist despises it. It’s the part of the narcissist that is needy, that is broken, that feels self- annihilating. It’s traumatized and it’s not whole.

The narcissist’s false self-narrative is un-powerful, un-omnipotent, un-admired, un-revered, un-feared, un-significant. The narcissist’s Inner Being feels grossly insignificant and insecure.

The thing is, for everybody, all ignored and repressed trauma will make itself felt. The narcissist always has this gnawing state of the True Self – insecurity, fear, and pain that is always bubbling up to the surface.

The false self-veneer is what is trying to control that and medicate that and stock that. The disowned, traumatized True Self that the narcissist is not turning inwards to heal up to wholeness and inner peace and security. Because that’s always bubbling away, the false self has to be more active all the time to try to quell the screams of that broken inner child.

 

How Does A Person Living Through A False Self Behave?

The narcissist does not want to heal or help the inner child and doesn’t want anybody else to heal and help the inner child – the narcissist wants the child to shut up.

The way the narcissist is doing that is with the self-medication of narcissistic supply to try to quell those screams.

How are they going to behave? With a ton of defence mechanisms.

I know I’ve written about it before in my blog article, Am I Being Abused by a Narcissist?

Those defence mechanisms, when you encounter them, when you’re prodding for accountability or you have any critique about what the narcissist is doing or how they’re behaving – those defence mechanisms come up.

Those defence mechanisms are; how dare you challenge the narrative of the false self, the false self is beyond reproach. The false self is perfect. The false self does no wrong. The false self is to be admired, upheld, feared, revered, and significant regardless of how the narcissist behaves.

These defence mechanisms are, “Do not tell me there’s something wrong with me.”

This is why narcissists don’t heal. The thing is with the false self, to uphold the narrative, the lie that’s presented to the world, the pathological lie of this is who I really am – well, no you’re not.

To uphold that lie, the false self will often go to any measures necessary so there will be a lie on top of a lie. There will be all sorts of diversions. There will be all sorts of tricks and twists and projections. These are the things that when they’re coming toward you, will make you feel crazy. They will make you feel like you can’t cope with this because it’s not normal.

A narcissist will cut off their nose to spite their face. They will throw all, and sundry, and even themselves under a bus to retain the veneer of the false self, and it’s insane. It doesn’t make sense to us because it doesn’t create happiness and it doesn’t create healing or love or resolution for anything.

You’re not going to get resolution in your dealings with these people. You’re not going to get sanity and you’re not going to get outcomes that make you feel safe or healthy or loved in any sense.

 

How Does The Narcissist’s False Self Orientation Affect You?

How it’s going to affect you is devastating.

What it means is that you’re not going to be loved by this person. You’re not going to feel safe, you’re not going to feel held, you’re going to be hurt because you are competing with the true master which has taken over the narcissist, which is the false self.

This is what you need to understand – that the false self is an entity of itself. It is a takeover, it’s an egoic takeover. The narcissist has been pulled away from the light of oneness, which is self-partnering with self, and partnering with life and others in holistic and healthy ways that co-generate more health and wholesomeness.

The narcissist has been pulled into the darkness by the false self, cut off from all of that, and it’s a run amok entity now that has grabbed control of the narcissist.

What that means is the inner self, the inner true self to the narcissist now, is deemed irrelevant, which means everything on the outside is deemed irrelevant as well except to serve the master who is the false self.

You are a tool. You are simply something to feed off and mine to serve the false self.

Your resources, your emotions, your Life Force, your Soul, your body, your sexual self, your contacts, your money, your attention, everything is put on a plate for the false self to feed on, that’s it.

Of course, as a soulful human being who is connected to humanity and love and truth and goodness, you’re fighting for that but you’re fighting a battle, a war with a false self that you’re never going to win because the false self is not interested in love or connection or wholeness or truth or relationship or solution.

In fact, to the false self, to have harmony and cooperation and love is disgraceful. The false self doesn’t want that because that means that they cannot control the narrative of, β€œI am superior and significant to everything.”

You are never going to beat that narrative. You are never going to tame that narrative into something different, ever.

This is why the more you try to love, and solve, and create solution or understanding, you start being in the position where you feel like a parent trying to explain to a broken, angry, destructive child the very fundaments of humanity and behaviour that actually work in a civilized human society.

You know that your average five-year-old is going to understand and respond better than what this entity does because this entity is not interested in peace, harmony and love. They want chaos and they want to feed. All of your stuff and your Soul because no matter what the narcissist gets from you, the false self will never be satisfied.

Enough is never enough, and just when the narcissist themselves feels like they’re high on narcissistic supply and they’re happy and they’re the most delightful, beautiful, incredible people you could ever imagine, who are granting you copious amounts of adoration and love and you’re on that high, inevitably sooner or later, and usually sooner, the insatiable false self is hungry again, needy again.

The true self (damaged and broken self) is bubbling up with the insecurities, the trauma and the torment, and so the false self has got to strike out and get more again. You go down again because you’re going to get lined up and smashed again. This is a cycle, this is a cycle of violence with narcissistic abuse and this is a thing that you’re never going to get out of.

 

Your True Self Is Your Saviour

What is this really all about for us? As Thrivers we understand that to look outwards and just learn about that, and try and change that, and try and fix that, and lecture, and prescribe, is not going to save you – ever.

This is what I’m always talking about on this channel and in the Thriver way. This is why our information is often so different to the information that you are getting because this is about true solution. This is about your saviour which is your True Self.

Let me explain it to you in this way – about the absolute energetic truth that is going on in all of our lives.

Narcissistic abuse is an energetic phenomenon. This energetic reality of a false self means that we can only be caught up in that if we haven’t as yet healed ourselves to be an authentic, True Self. Because so many of us came from backgrounds with historical trauma, generational trauma, childhood trauma, that we weren’t actually healed up as adults in our bodies, knowing that we have the ability, the capacity, and the right to generate our own love, approval, survival, and security.

We were taught that we’re going to get that from the outside, which is actually (and it’s no fault of our own) a childish premise because as a child we were powerless. As adults we still felt powerless and believe that somebody has got to give us love, approval, survival and security.

Narcissists as a false self and as a false narrative come in pretending to be those things. They’re not that at all because they know that that’s a manipulation that hooks people into getting hooked on them, and then they can mine them, strip them of their Soul resources and Life Force, and keep feeding while that person tries to force them into being the love, approval, survival and security that they haven’t yet energetically, emotionally anchored into on the inside for themselves.

How do we heal for real from this? By becoming a True Self source to ourselves.

How do we do that? It sounds great, but how do we do that? How we do that is that we recognize, “This is a false self that I’m never going to get those things from. In fact, I’m going to get the anti of those things. I’m going to get less of those things and lose what I do have of those things.”

We say, “No more.” What we do is we go No Contact or modified contact, then we turn inwards to heal up those not yet whole parts of ourselves to come into the truth and the power of, “I feel whole enough now that I’ve healed enough of these parts of myself, and I will keep doing it.”

β€œBecause you are going to keep triggering every part of me that feels insecure, broken, needy, unsafe, and I’m going to try and force you to be those things for me.”

That’s going to go on, and on, and on, for a while. This is why we have to do that dedicated inner work to break that bond, that connection, that energetic phenomenon.

What I’m really saying to you, that I was just preparing you to understand, is if we are not a true source to ourselves, well then we have a false narrative, and the false narrative is something outside of me and is responsible for me.

It’s actually not the truth because as a Quantum Creator, as a part of Source, as a part of Creation itself, you are made of the same stuff. You are your saviour, you are your creator.

The gorgeous thing is, once you become that to yourself, false selves become quite repulsive. They are no longer the replay of our unfinished stuff, β€œMom or dad or an authority figure or a significant person in my life when I was a child, please do it better this time.” That’s what we’re playing at unconsciously when we’re hooked to people that continue to hurt us and we try to force them to be our saviour.

Let go, come in, you are the person your Inner Being is waiting for. It’s your love, it’s your devotion, it’s your attention, it’s your healing –it’s what self-partnering is.

Now I want you to pause this video and take a stand for yourself by writing this power mantra in the comments below. You can say this to yourself as often as you need to, “I now withdraw from you false self and turn inwards to grant me the true love that I am and deserve. By doing so, I will draw more true love into my life.”

 

Conclusion

I hope that this has really helped and you now understand what a false self is and how there is no true self-capacity available to grant you what you really want, which is love, truth and kindness. The more you try it, the more that you’re going to be damaged.

I’d really love to help you get very, very clear about who and what you are dealing with here. I can do that by helping connect you to my narcissistic identification quiz. It’s only going to take a minute or so of your time and it’s going to let you know the capacity or otherwise of this person to be nice or not.

Also too, it’s going to grant you a free seven-day information and empowering guide to help you, which is free.

It’s going to help you get clarity, relief, and power back, regarding what you’re dealing with. You can connect to this quiz by clicking this link.Β Again, I hope that this has really helped.

As always, I look forward to your comments and your questions below.

 

[mc4wp_form id="7704"]

Related blog post

Non-Accountability: Destroyer Of Relationships

Read More

Emotional Invalidation In Relationships: How To End The Cycle

Read More

Commments (59) + Leave a comments

59 thoughts on “Narcissists Are A False Self

  1. Thank you Mel, good stuff. It made me a little sad cuz I saw a little baby Tiggy sitting in the video. It was, I’m sure, one of the last or THE last video he’ll actually be in. God bless you.

    1. Hi Jules,

      it is sad, and I’m not sure if this is the very last video that Tiggy is in, I think it may be.

      What is gorgeous is that he is immortalised in so many of them.

      Love to you beautiful lady and bless you as well

      Mel πŸ™πŸ’•πŸ’š

  2. Melanie. I am probably not your typical watcher. I am a 45 year old man who has generally been quite fortunate in life.

    If you read these comments I would like you to know that I have found this video to be incredibly powerful, very uplifting and perfectly communicated.

    I was left emotionally devastated by a covert, female narcissist. My own reactions have been resentment and anger and I have disliked myself for feeling that way.

    You are a force for good and I hope this small token of my appreciation finds you

    1. Hi Ross,

      I really do want you to know Ross that there are many people in this community who have had extremely successful lives and been able to carve out quite an existence for themselves!

      So please don’t feel that you are in a minority group at all!

      Thank you for your lovely appreciation and I certainly hope that my information and resources can help you heal, and go free from this.

      Blessings to you

      Mel πŸ™πŸ’•πŸ’š

    2. Hi
      It is nice to hear that someone actually was successful and did not loose all their belongings and had to start from 0 after being abused by one of them for a change! I lost everything and still working on getting my life back together. 31 and just started to learn to drive for example. But we are all in the same boat and strong! πŸ™‚

    3. I’ve had a similar situation and am similar in demographic, so maybe not a minority and just below average.
      I felt as if I’d failed because over time she kept intentionally causing me pain, claiming she wasn’t and I was the one with the problem (which, ironically, was true heh.) And that repetitive cycle slowly made me feel hatred for her, which is ,I’d think, appropriate in response to consistent injustice and deceit.
      But my self considered hatred to be a failure, I still do. If a situation has failed to such an extent that it controls what I feel and forces me to experience an emotion that indicates mutual existence isn’t acceptable then I’ve failed to understand the event, those involved and the goals of those participating. That’s why I feel it as a failure, because it indicates personal ignorance and helplessness.
      As I started to develop an artificial perspective in which this person was so disgusting that they no longer deserved the respect given to humanity, and so become an acceptable target of my own hostility (unfortunately that happened anyway, but it’s as if they literally wanted it to happen and needed the wounding.), I also began to understand the separation between their actions, their assumed personality that was now so obviously different that they walked in different ways and the personality that I originally appreciated.
      Seeing this entity separate into a scared pathetic thing, a hateful thing that sees itself in me and wants to defile it and make it into it’s ideal (destroy my acceptance of my own self and the original reflection it sees as weak and replace with hate which is strong) and the relatively pathetic attempts to hurt me which only ever had that power because I let it. I literally had to accept that their reality was more real than mine, their feelings more important, their respect And self image to be preserved with my acceptance of suffering.
      The only way they could hurt me was by withholding the love that I felt for it.
      So I decided I didn’t need their love, that I could love it and despise the actions as I could love a child and despise it’s diapers. That unless actual harm was done then their opinion just didn’t matter because it’s literally not a real thing. If they try to defame me or lie about my character to others that’s actual harm and at that point I address the fact that the things they say and the recorded evidence of reality aren’t the same and just because they feel like I’m a bad person doesn’t make it so and it’s their problem that (for example) they decided I’d abandoned them after being forced from my home from their constant abuse. Their abuse was a real thing, being abandoned is a fantasy that is easily disproved by my being here and having to explain why abandonment can’t happen when the one being abandoned is also the one causing the absence to happen.
      So now that they can’t hurt me (mostly) I don’t get angry or need to defend against their constant distractions of claiming I’ve attacked them. I don’t need to explain why they are wrong, I simply tell them they know that isn’t true and they have nothing but the wound of not being worth defending against. They actually refuse to communicate with me. I’m still trying to get my bed back, just because it’s mine I don’t really want it, and they will run away before walking in the same grocery store because their fantasy narrative crumbles if I exist. They can’t be a victim if I refuse to be the antagonist. I love them and refuse to hate them and feel sincere pity that they exist in such a state of shame and fear of having all the effort in those years of lies wasted and they are left being responsible for all that failure.
      Not all those they blamed, but them. I didn’t cause their home to fall to ruin, it happened because they made me leave and they couldn’t handle the responsibility and no one would live with them. Now they live and babysit someone’s kids and have no home of their own. And unless I’m the one that abandoned them then it’s their fault. And I didn’t leave, they pushed me out. Instant wound as I’m the reality they can’t exist in, and I don’t hate them. I’m their weakness that shamed them and they refused. They will literally beg me to love them, but they do it by needing to be forgiven.
      The one time I got mad and hurt them I feel really bad about. They were so hurt that I didn’t ignore the accusations, and then I grabbed the person they were and reminded them they couldn’t both exist and so neither did and they melted. I really feel like I betrayed myself more than them, and while they certainly deserved it I didn’t need to do it. It won’t make me feel better because I don’t need hate to live, and it’s not justice to wound a cripple.
      I’m sorry for the lengthy narrative, I haven’t had a chance to write that last part down. I usually write in various groups as a way to look at my own actions, well, as another person hah. My false self is an author πŸ™‚
      Anyway, I know anyone exposed to someone that lies to hurt because the power causes pleasure they need to distract from the pain of killing themselves every day will feel all the negative emotions from betrayal to fury. But you’re losing like that. You were attracted to the initial reflection of an ideal you, and that ideal was both loving and vulnerable. You loved your own weakness and they hated you for it. They stabbed you to explain why you should hate that person you loved so much, and they will keep stabbing because they can’t stop. You can control most of the interaction at that point, just assume they’ll do whatever you tell them hurts the most. How much watching them eat ice cream hurts, they’ll go get a tub.
      It’s pathetic and at that point maybe you can pity them and so be able to ignore them.
      This isn’t possible in every circumstance, some are much better at causing actual harm. Legal action using lies and criminal actions using their intimate knowledge.
      This is just in the event of a reflection of yourself that’s not able to extract itself from the love it feels in forgiveness. Just forgive them and let it hate itself for needing it.
      I can’t imagine the horror of having to wake up every morning knowing it must hurt someone because unless it’s forgiven then no one loves it. And everyone keeps going away and “not loving it” after eventually causing them to much pain to ignore. It is literally killing the love it finds because it needs to apologize and then watch it die.
      And that’s better than what shamed it originally, what the fuck happened that this was the better choice?

  3. I am working on my authentic self and there is no connection between myself and my abuser, but he stole the kids and turned them against me. Sad, hurtful, unbelievable but I must understand there is 0 chance for change for him. .. the evil false self.

  4. Dear Mel,
    It’s interesting what you wrote about the β€œegoic β€œ takeover. My former spouse was a pretty nice person for the first eight years of our marriage . Then two things happened: we had our first child (under intense pressure from his parents), followed shortly by his father’s sudden passing. (He was an abusive man.) What happened next is something I wouldn’t believe could take place had I not lived through it. My husband had some sort of a β€œbreakdown,” and the nice person he’d been totally disappeared and was replaced by an abusive, hardcore, full-blown narcissist. It was like some β€œevil beingβ€œ walked in and took him over, and all hell broke loose. Have you ever heard of this happening before?

    1. Yes, Faye! Nearly the same happened to me. After 15 years of marriage, my β€œpretty nice” husband morphed into a screaming raging narcissist that I didn’t recognize. It took me two years to realize this wasn’t a bad day or mood, but a different person that was only interested in trying to destroy me. Looking back now-6 years since our divorce- I can see the signs that he was a covert narc that became more overt when pressured by his parents to be the β€œgolden child” and basically live his life as they did theirs. It really shook me to my core- everything I thought I knew – was upside down. He is no longer my reality I can happily say. But trying to understand what happened and make sense of it nearly drove me crazy! It will never make logical sense- but the way Mel explains it put it all into perspective for me and I was able to start to turn inward to heal for real. I wish the same for you.

    2. Hi Faye,

      Yes, I have heard of this happening, even though it is not common.

      My heart goes out to you, this must have been beyond painful and shocking.

      Sending you, and wishing for you, Love and healing

      Mel πŸ™πŸ’•πŸ’š

  5. I now withdraw from you false self and turn inwards to grant me the true love that I am and I deserve. By doing so I will draw more true love to my life. Thank you so much Melanie. RIP angel Tiggy.

      1. Mel, thank you so much for the NARP program! It’s helping me so much to break free and begin healing. I cannot express to you enough the value your work is providing me. I have been in a horrible pain/abuse trauma bond cycle with an alcoholic narcissist for 4 long years. I knew it was unhealthy and would try to cut him off but he was always hoovering me back in. I recently caught him out with another woman and confronted him. Now I am doing no contact and working through NARP. I am determined to heal my inner being and recover from this trauma and move forward with a better life. Blessings to you for your hard work and wisdom. πŸ™πŸ»

  6. Thank you Melanie, I think out of all the video’s this one has resonated with me the most, and such a powerful delivery. So lovely to see Tiggy bless him x

  7. I now withdraw from you, false self, and turn inwards to grant me the true love that I am and deserve.

  8. Melanie,
    This video was the best one for me to date that showed me πŸ’― percent what I have been dealing with all these years with my son. I actually hung on to every word! Maybe it has taken me a while to actually figure the truth out about everything, but this video put it so well into the perspective of my situation, for which I thank you! And yes, I saw Tiggy sitting there with you…..Shame, RIP little angel.
    Thank you Melanie for your guidance and your wonderful support. I have had to go through this lockdown without my son’s support and help, and it has given me the time to reflect and decide what I have to do going forward. And I will nurture my True Self by repeating the mantra to my self everyday.
    β€œ I now withdraw from you false self and turn inwards to grant me the true love that I am and deserve. By doing so I will draw more true love into my life”.

    Lots of love,

    ElaineπŸ’•

    1. Hi Elaine,

      I’m so pleased that this deeply resonated with you!

      Thank you for your love for me and Tiggy – so appreciated.

      So much love to you too sweet lady

      Mel πŸ™πŸ’•πŸ’š

  9. A very powerful video. Had me in tears not just to see dear Tiggy but as your message resonated very strongly. I’ve been through hell and back trying to cope with my partners long term mental issues which I only learnt was narcissism when I sought counselling. I thought I was failing him in not understanding or accepting his unpleasantness (after all no one would do all that on purpose would they!!). But after life threatening illness and seeing the callous way he ignored me (in fact he was angry with me) I realised that all our friends had turned their backs on me and continue to do so. He repeatedly told me I was a terrible useless person and no one loved me and even suggested I kill myself to do everyone a favour. Melanie you were my saviour as I realised it wasn’t me. After a long grieving period of getting my head round the fact that I’d wasted 30 years trying to understand him and shield the truth of his nastiness to everyone I’ve slowly found myself. Until lockdown he was spending two or three nights a week away and beyond the trauma of his unfaithfulness I turned it around to be β€œmy time”. Four months of total lockdown with him vascillating from best friend to screaming arch enemy he’s starting his stay aways again much to my relief. It hurts he sees our friends and they still blank me. I feel panicky at losing dear friends now I have no family. Nearly back on track however to my future freedom I hope.Just need to cope alone and realise it’s the best outcome. Thank you so much to you and the Thriver community. I’d be truly lost without you. RIP dearest Tiggy x

    1. Dear Caroline,
      The words you write resonated EXACTLY with me (misdiagnosing my partner, pouring out everything I had to try to understand and appease, losing all ‘friends’, learning to see his absence as ‘my time’, etc…). When I finally understood and made the last move, like you would pull out a band aid quickly, it triggered the literal hell out of him. He launched assaults towards my literal destruction and I had to move out of my city and onto another continent! Just to say that, yes indeed, when we come down to getting our freedom back we have to be very, very sly. Me leaving the city was what he wanted anyway. But I stopped trying to save some dignity and fled like a refugee.
      One year later (I have no family and am alone too, which of course made me the perfect ‘prey’) I can tell you that my nervous system is starting to relax and I am beginning to touch a sense of unfoding. I think it’s called Freedom, and it’s hot to handle. The world is still too big but I am learning to nestle against myself like a 2 year old and give myself all the emotions I need. I see a therapist for the first time. I am learning to see my issues as clearly as I could see his. And all this of course with Melanie’s voice, strenght and clarity in my life. Without her I would never be where I am today, having lost it ALL, my mind included, as is common.
      Looking back it is an incredibly initiatique journey, so keep going with confidence, because we DO come out to the other side, and maybe even Thrive beyond, as Mel mentions.
      Patience, strategy and hope!
      Blessings!

  10. I’ve read so much about narc behaviour since divorcing my husband nearly 4 yrs ago but this blog REALLY resonated with me. In a way, whilst reading it, it made me feel released from him, if that makes sense, which is delightfully liberating! My son of 8 yrs old still visits his dad but he is very aware that something isnt quite right when he is there. I’ve discussed, age appropriately, that his feelings are genuine and that he is not wrong in his thinking. I dont believe it will help him to paper over the cracks of his dads narc behaviour. Hes certainly learning the lesson quicker than I did as an adult! Thank you Melanie for your words of wisdom and the abundance of love you have within you to be able to help others recognise not only the traits of a narc but the unhealed parts of themselves. God bless you. Xx

  11. My experience resonates with that if Faye’s. Fir 16 years my relationship seemed idyllic. My husband was loving, caring, generous, resourceful, and I thought my best friend and advocate. Then, I had my first child, followed very quickly by my second and the rest of my 35 year relationship went downhill from that point. I always knew my husband was insecure, I knew his childhood was very painful, he told me about the beatings and lack of approval he received and was corroborated by his sister. My heart went out to him and I loved him much more than even I realised but ….it took me to the point of a complete nervous breakdown to have me realise I could not continue and remain healthy, I was almost suicidal as my life deteriorated. I experienced 17 house moves, so on average a move every two years interspersed between various lengthy court cases arising from my husband’s carelessness in dealing with ne’re-do-well folks in business. These things and his eventual narcissistic rages broke me in pieces. I still feel the pull of addiction to his finer false self and continue to wrestle with the damaged authentic self that wreaked so mo damage. It is mind bogglingly cruel and difficult to heal from.

  12. β€œI now withdraw from you false self and turn inwards to grant me the true love that I am and deserve. By doing so, I will draw more true love into my life.”

    Thank You Melanie and Tiggy πŸ™‚
    Sending You Love
    Kondwani

  13. As a young healthy man in my teens I did happen to meet a likewise young woman who was exceedingly beautiful and thus very attractive. I “fell in love” with her instantly and although I was very shy and quite insecure in myself when it came to women (and still am) she actually wanted to spend some time with me as I most certainly did towards her. Well, we ended up seeing each other quite often,went to the beach together and so forth as most newly acquainted do and as I believed we were “in love” with each other. Well, all was seemingly going well between us then BANG, she was seeing another man and as I do presume she was doing with him as she was presumedly doing with him as she had previously been doing wth me. When we did finally get to talk she told me straight out that she had been only playing a game with me and that I should not have taken it all so seriously. With reference to all so wonderfully explained above I do now have at least an inkling about where she was at and where she was coming from at that most heartbreaking time. She had previously told me that as a young girl at school she was very much neglected by the boys as she was just an overweight (fat) and plain looking “nobody” that was just rejected and thus she was very hurt deep down. Well, (sorry about the length of my comment) she was going to do something about it wasn’t she. She lost the weight, did actually have her breasts surgically reduced and all else to become the living walking Barbie Doll and a very lethal “man slayer” as well. She wore her new identity to the max from then on but from what I can gather it was just “pay back time” so far as she was concerned. Thank you Melanie.

  14. Wow! Mel, this is the bald truth:

    “Narcissists as a false self and as a false narrative come in pretending to be those things. They’re not that at all because they know that that’s a manipulation that hooks people into getting hooked on them, and then they can mine them, strip them of their Soul resources and Life Force, and keep feeding while that person tries to force them into being the love, approval, survival and security that they haven’t yet energetically, emotionally anchored into on the inside for themselves.”

    They get us addicted to “love” like a pusher hooks someone on drugs. It’s about survival for them whereas for the empath it’s an “insatiable” addiction to a synthetic drug (love bomb). Your video on peptide addiction is probably The Video that really set my healing trajectory because I finally understood my “drive”/the consequence of my upbringing. It really took me deep to the *root* of my problem: I was an addict, in love with the IDEA of love! I’m linking to your video, here, on peptide addition for others to read because, in my opinion, it is *essential* reading we need to learn about and to be reminded about so that it is always front of mind. https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/why-breaking-up-with-a-narcissist-feels-like-detoxing-from-a-drug/

    Namaste

    1. Hi Nicole,

      I’m so thrilled you have got clarity around all of this.

      You have described it perfectly!

      Please know Dear Lady, information is one thing, but a true inner somatic body shift just ‘changes you’ without having to have the reminders to try to keep there.

      I really can’t recommend enough coming into my free webinar and experiencing Quanta Freedom Healing if you haven’t already, http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Sending you love and healing

      Mel πŸ™πŸ’•πŸ’š

  15. Thank you, Mel, for linking me to Katherine Woodward Thomas. Your invitation, as is always my experience with your email, came just as I was thinking I was ready to jump into dating pool. Yesterday, I participated in Katherine’s free seminar and then, true to form, your video followed just a few hours later which was a nice reiteration (and a reminder per my post above,) to what I learned/the work I’ve yet to do. I’m finally arriving to the mediation part of my divorce, so I think it’s best to push the pause button on dating until such time I have that part of my past “completed”.

    I now withdraw from you false self and turn inwards to grant me the true love that I am and I deserve. By doing so I will draw more true love to my life.

  16. Dear Melanie,

    thank you for this Video,

    “I now withdraw from you, false self, and turn inwards, to grant me the true love that I am and deserve. By doing so, I will draw more true love into my life.”

    Love
    Goldheart

  17. Hello Mel,
    And first and foremost, not enough thankious can ever be flying across the world in your direction!

    To myself: ‘I now withdraw from you, falseself, and turn INWARD to grant me the true Love that I am and deserve. By doing so, I will grant more true love into my life’.

    One aspect I wish to share here just in case it resonates with others or in case you might have more Light to offer is that the character I still so miss and long for to this day is who ‘I’ was when I was with the narc. For the first time in my life it opened me to at time extreme manifestations of kindness, patience, empathy, service, sweetness, nurturing and devotion. In other words, it is like the archetype of the Sacred Feminine came into a full blown Life in me!
    Prior to this fatal relationship, all those ‘feminine’ qualities had been dormant in me because they had not been modeled by the women in my family and also because I have had no children of my own nor nieces/nephews etc.
    So when my heart at times still aches at the ecstatic or intense memories, it is SHE (me) that I long for and NOT him since I finally today see his fakeness and manipulation without a doubt.

    No thing and no one seems to be coaxing ‘HER’ back out the way his intense masculine and brokenness did. I long for her and I believe SHE was real.

    With Love for you and all of those who are going through those same trials and learnings,
    Vee

    1. Hi Vee,

      thank you for your lovely words, and please know how grateful I am.

      Please know darling lady, after Thriver Healing it has been my experience and so many others that we fully embrace even MORE of our feminine beauty, with grace and power – and this time with safe and healthy people.

      So much love to you

      Mel πŸ™πŸ’•πŸ’š

  18. Oh, wow! This message really resonates with me! Thanks so much for explaining the false self so eloquently. Both of my parents are narcissists, and throughout my life, I took all of their hurtful behavior very personally. By the time I was 13, I felt like a permanently shattered person and believed that I was not worth anything. I wanted to end my life at age 19. I am so thankful that I had just enough hope to hang on. In the last two years, I have gone no contact with my entire family of origin, and I feel stronger and more whole every day. Thanks again, Melanie!

    1. Hi Angie,

      you are very welcome.

      I’m so pleased you are still here with us lovely lady, and that you are healing.

      You so deserve this!

      So much love to you

      Mel πŸ™πŸ’•πŸ’š

  19. Hello. I just want you to know that I feel the Universe sent you to me to save my life. I was in such denial that I am married to a narcissist. I tried everything in my power to change him and to extract love from him. Now I am in fight and flight mode. I’m leaving my home for my own sanity. He refuses to leave even though he pays none of the Bill’s and none are in his name. I was afraid and worried but I have signed up for your 16 day thrive r program and I feel more confident already just from that small step. So thank you so very much!

  20. This was a very powerful message! Thank you so much!!!!!
    I’m currently working the NARP program, found it and am so thankful as I knew in my spirit I had some proclivities which still needed to be worked on…Been doing similar work for about 10 years…
    Was recently tripped up and had an experience which I walked away from very quickly, and feel very disappointed that it happened. My question is, what does it look like when Ive truly healed my true self where a narcissists fake self repulses me?

  21. I now withdraw from you false self and turn inward to grant myself the true love that I am and deserve. By doing so I will draw more true love into my life –
    Thank you Melanie & thank you for the beautiful story of the passing of tiggi- like you, many years ago I lost my best friend and companion kitty (KiKi) and continue feel his support and presence in my life.

  22. Thank you from the depth of my heart to Melissa and Vivienne for sharing their experiences, and to you, Mel, for this especially powerful teaching. I can’t begin to express how healing it is to know I am not alone in having had such a bizarre experience, though I am very sorry you both had to experience such dire circumstances.
    I felt so alone in this. Now I feel I can finally let it all go. Thank you, dear souls, this the last bit I needed to complete the puzzle and go free.

  23. I am so happy to have discovered NARP!! Thanks Mel!
    Reading each of your comments helps me to know I am NOT along and That I WASN’T CRAZY!! I have went no contact with my abuser and my life has been great!

    Mel keep sending those great videos to build our Strength and courage to move on or deal with it until we can escape.
    God bless each and every one.

  24. Dearest Mel,
    Thank you for your post it was 100% spot on. I have bought NARP and totally detached from ALL narcissists and am now addressing the trauma. My head believes it needs to bring things up to heal them and by addressing it at the level of thought rather than just dropping into the body and letting the head go and trusting the wisdom of it. I always use to pray ‘god please help me the grief is overwhelming’ and use to go to church and sit alone and try and connect to a higher power and the funny thing is I only got emptier because my body was filled with trauma because crying and crying overwhelmed with grief did not work. I did this for a decade and tried to think my way out of it you name it I have done it looked at so many alternative ways to heal. I also believe that god is outside of me and after watching this my narcissist is my ego is the defences and self protection that won’t allow me to drop into my body because the mind needs to be in charge – god what a battle. Beautiful dress by the way totally gorgeous.
    Penny

  25. Thank you Mel, this is a brilliant video that helps to bring sense and understanding. There have been times in the past that i spent hours days weeks months years just trying to find the magic key to reach the real self of the narcissist. In fact becoming quite unwell in the process. Since starting this healing Journey through your videos and very recently actually joining NARP I no longer feel compelled to do this. Turning inwards IS the key and whilst I still need to have modified contact I quickly recognise tactics (almost as an observer) and quietly stand firm in my own truth. Progressively I see the power to trigger me become less and less. I am my own person! You have no idea how much you have helped me heal. Thank you doesn’t seem adequate.

    1. Hi Barbara,

      it’s my pleasure and I’m so pleased that you enjoyed this!

      I love that you are now working with NARP and turning inwards to self-partner and heal. It brings so much inner solidness and peace.

      Your breakthrough is thanks enough.

      I’m so happy for you!

      Love and blessings

      Mel πŸ™πŸ’•πŸ’š

  26. Thanks again Melanie you explained it all so Perfectly, I’ve been trying to explain to friends who are seeking answers too, but i think i will just get them to watch your video, Blessings Col

  27. Thanks Melanie for the encouraging words it’s really helpful.

    Is it possible for the narcissistic to change as she/he grows older and to have true love .

  28. Wow, this was really insightful. Thank you! False hope kept me in a marriage with a narcissist for 7 years. I finally got out at the beginning of this year. Best decision I ever made. Narcissists don’t change. They are incapable of change. The more I gave of myself, my time and my money, the worse I got treated. The harder you try, the worse things get. Don’t think you can change them; you can’t. You can’t fix broken. The sooner you get out, the better.

  29. Dear Melanie, I read every minute I manage to get free on your blog and videos. I found all very well explained and incredibly helpful. I’ve been through all this and still and is an everyday reassuring and an eye opener. I want to thank you massively for being such a brilliant communicator and human being. I wonder as you became so successful and well known and helping millions of people, what your ex husband will be thinking. I can see and I experienced myself that the narcs don’t want or can’t realise the truth but I guess for your ex has to be extremely difficult not to get told by absolute everyone around him what was the problem with him and how amazing u are. He must be absolutely shocked and shamed if he has half a brain. I bet your son adores and admires you big time. Massive hug from Spain. Love and good health for everyone in this crazy times. Xx

  30. Thank you Melanie for your insight-fullness. I’m leaving a 28 year narcissistic relationship. My children have also been victims of the relationship. They are mostly grown, but am still dealing with custody issues with ex. I am trying to cut communication with him, but still have to converse about my child. Its going to be a long road, but looking forward to the freedom of taking back myself and my light I have lost over the years.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.