We have been having a lot of discussions on Facebook, and through my articles and radio shows lately, about “ego”.
We have talked about how the ego is the defences, the false stories, the “outer looking” at problems, the unconsciousness and the disconnection from self which stops us from healing, growing and evolving.
In this article I want to start off by discussing how the narcissist relates to his or her ego, and then, as always, I want to bring the power back to our own self-awareness on this topic.
Those of us who have been in narcissistic relationships can relate to how narcissists would rather be “right than happy”. How invested they are in their egoic versions, which necessitate “making reality fit the stories in their heads” despite the obvious destruction that causes.
We have all discovered how we were dispensable in the face of this. And how everything – not just ourselves – security, marriage, prior promises and even children, are thrown under the bus to uphold the version that the narcissist’s almighty ego created.
A version that is about impunity, being above reproach, and zero tolerance towards anything opposing the egoic version whatsoever.
What on earth is that about?
The answer is a sad and obvious truth – the narcissist is married to his or her ego.
The narcissist’s total commitment and allegiance lies with the False Self.
So what is this marriage about?
Is it a willing marriage?
Was it an arranged marriage?
One thing is for sure … It’s not a marriage based on mutual reciprocity and love.
It’s a marriage fuelled by fear, dependency and take-over.
Let me explain …
How The Narcissist Entered Into Union With His / Her Ego
The marriage with the False Self occurred without the narcissist really knowing it was happening.
The original payoff to the narcissist for aligning with the False Self was that it granted a buffer against the wounds of the True Self. The ego provided another version – a grandiose platform of “stories” that generated feelings of being special, unique and superior.
At some point in the narcissist’s life, generally as a small child, the narcissist unconsciously divorced from his or her True Self, deciding it was “not good enough” to get vital needs met. Or this child had role models of entitlement and ego, or was spoilt to believe “I can have what I want when I act in self-absorbed ways.”
The more that the ego (False Self) was used as a vehicle of operation, the more the True Self withered up and become ineffective.
This created bigger unhealed emotional wounds (unattended to and spreading) and more “gaps” for the ego to attack.
The narcissist has become so stripped of True Self resources (self-reflection, self-honesty, becoming “conscious”, self-soothing, self-love, self-acceptance, emotional evolution and development of self) that more and more detachment of the True Self occurred.
The chronic disowning of the True Self is this ultimate egoic defence. “If I am vulnerable (real about my wounds with myself or others) I will be annihilated”.
Sadly and tragically this was very true for some children – but it never needs to be for adults who partner self. Emotional realness is the essential base camp of everyone’s ascension to true freedom.
The following is the vicious cycle of the Ego taking over the True Self …
Egoic acts occur out of integrity (generated from false stories) which diminish the True Self further. Then the loss of integrity in the True Self creates more cracks (wounds) for the False Self to enter and control the show.
The narcissist is married to the ego, because he or she is dependent on it. The narcissist won’t and can’t let the ego go.
The narcissist’s ego is the total dispenser and governor of how the narcissist feels. The unhealed and forever festering disowned young inner wounds create the gaps for pathology and delusions to take place.
On a good day when the narcissist has served the ego well and generated enough narcissistic supply (evidence to confirm the False Self’s grandiosity) the narcissist will be rewarded by the False Self with delusions of acclaim that provide relief from the original young wounds of deep shame and unworthiness.
The marriage to the ego supplies all sorts of stories and feelings such as: “You are the sexiest thing alive”, “Everyone is in awe of you”, “Look at how incredible, valuable, smart, and fantastic you are” “Is it any wonder everyone is so envious of you?” and so on and so forth.
Yet, when the narcissist’s False Self hasn’t received enough of a feed from the narcissist’s endeavours that day – the ego will brutally assault the original wounds.
“You are useless, worthless, ugly, not good enough and a total failure. Look at you, you piece of (nasty adjective).”
He or she is trying to keep the False Self appeased so that it will stop eating the narcissist alive.
The narcissist’s marriage to the False Self is made in hell. Its basis is extreme conditional love. – “I will only grant you stories that temporarily distract you from your never-ending pain IF you give me exactly what I want.”
The problem is the bar is always being raised …
The Illusions the False Self Creates
The narcissist believes he or she is God. Meaning there is no higher power than the narcissist, and no-one more superior.
Because that’s the “story” the ego is always grandstanding to the narcissist – or maybe we should say the vessel who was the person before the False Self takeover.
Maybe at this point there is no separation?
Sam Vaknin writes about how narcissists do really bad stuff and it is like “seeing someone else doing it” but having no control. Like being numbed out and viewing it as a third person.
(Interestingly both the narcissists in my life expressed to me similar descriptions).
Yet the narcissist can’t recognise that the False Self delusions are just voices in his or her head – it feels like an “identify”. And there is no healthy, solid True Self available to make the distinction.
Rather than being a healthy True Self, the narcissist can’t establish good feelings or become them, and has to “take” from Life and others in order to try and get relief from the inverted emotional descent into constant pain.
How Did The False Self Take Over?
The reasons are because the original disowned wounds that are horrific and screaming, are the sufficient pain and fear (food) to allow a False Self to take up home in the most permanent and cemented way.
The only way to free oneself from a False Self (ego) is to become conscious – to apply self-reflection and become real.
The narcissist decided, in stark contrast, to divorce the True Self and makes no attempt to face it, heal it and revive it.
With the False Self uncontested and at the helm – what exists now is “anti-life” not Lifeforce.
This is effectively an emotional black-hole that has to devour Lifeforce (energy) in order to exist.
The marriage to the False Self is a one-way-street. The False Self gets a constant feed of pain and destruction from its host, the narcissist, and can mobilise the narcissist into sucking energy from his or her environments.
From the narcissist’s side the pay-offs of temporary relief from screaming inner wounds come at a huge price. The more the False Self gets, the more energised the False Self becomes, and the more the False Self wants. Then the more the narcissist has to go after “stuff” to offset the False Self batterings when it doesn’t get what it wants.
And no matter what the False Self gets, it will find a way to be dissatisfied with it.
The narcissist is clueless that his or her feelings of emptiness, and never feeling genuinely satisfied or at peace are not his or her True Self, they are the imposter – the ego.
And the narcissist is hooked on the random payouts of grandiosity that quieten the screams of the damaged, abused young True Self – his or her real identity who has never grown up and never recovered.
In fact so much damage has happened that the narcissist is at peril of losing touch with all reality, with any chance of it being reinstated becoming less and less likely.
The compelling illusion – the lies that that False Self have provided – have kept the narcissist away from the truth …
This is the truth …
The True Self is a gateway to bigger and better things.
Partnering with the True Self, and healing it to a healthy state, grants connection to the bigness of “Life”. Access to more expansion, wisdom, manifestation ability, abundance, joy, love – if fact any state deeply desired.
The False Self promises these things, and makes the narcissist believe that ONLY the False Self can generate these things – in order to get the narcissist to serve as required.
(Does much of what I have written above sound familiar?)
The truth is completely disconnected from – this truth – that the marriage to our True Self expands individuals into infinite multiplication beyond what was possible as a small personality self-separated from the Energetic Field of “all that is”.
The narcissist doesn’t know this …
The narcissist can’t trust this …
The narcissist can’t feel this because of the disintegration of the True Self, and because of the hold the False Self has which makes sure the narcissist won’t access this truth.
Who Can Compete With the Narcissist’s Ego?
The answer is “Nobody”.
Appeasing the narcissist’s False Self is a full time concern. Hence why obtaining narcissistic supply is so necessary, and is the only true mission of the narcissist’s existence.
The narcissist’s relationship with you was being directed by the False Self.
“Adore this one. This one recognises how special you are. This one makes other people envy you, brings you the resources you deserve, will have sex with you in ways that makes you feel like the God that you are, grants you the right connections etc.”
Later down the track, naturally after the massive personality cracks appear and you are no longer handing over such adoration and “stuff”, the narcissist’s ego pipes up with …
“This person is untrustworthy, adulterous, ugly to look at, no good for anything, out to get your money, a pain in the neck, using you for their self-gain, dissatisfying / selfish in bed.” (And so much more).
Because the ego is no longer getting its high grade feed of significance, it will come up with every story to tell the narcissist How Bad You Are, and why you deserve to be dumped, punished or annihilated.
The truth is you were never “married” to the narcissist.
Because there is no-one there.
You were simply an extension of the vessel that “was” the narcissist and who has been taken over by the False Self.
You too were serving the human psychic virus, the ego, via the narcissist.
Thank God you can divorce from that.
Thank God you are not the totally corrupted shell the narcissist is.
Thank God you can get away and heal … unlike the narcissist who can’t.
See the Similarities?
A really profound truth is this: The narcissist treats you identically to how the narcissist’s False Self treats the narcissist.
How could the narcissist treat you any differently?
It appears to be the narcissist, however the true culprit is the unconsciousness of ego.
A “marriage” to a False Self comprises of the following:
Enough is never enough ….
Nothing is ever good enough …
You are never good enough …
Accountability is never taken …
Excuses are made …
Delusions are created …
When things fall short of unrealistic expectations blame is dispensed …
Anger, pain, fear, anxiety, depression and addiction is the norm, and
Gross separation, distrust and competition with self, Life and others prevail.
Truly this is a marriage that ends up in demise, eventually for all participants – even for the virus (ego) – because when the host is dead so is the “cancer’ that killed him / her.
How does the virus of extreme unconsciousness live on?
By infecting others, including future generations.
When The Relationship Ends
You have been poisoned … profoundly.
You have been inflicted with the psychic disease of the False Self – the emptiness, the loss of Lifeforce, and the feeling like you having nothing left of yourself other than an empty shell.
And you feel like you have been violated and infiltrated by the voices of the False Self. The voices of accusation, damnation and the highlighting of all your “gaps”, all your insecurities that make you feel unworthy, unlovable, shameful and defective.
This is the breakdown / breakthrough point.
Do we choose to remain unconscious?
If so we can only remain disconnected from Self, point the finger outwards and hand our power away by adopting the victimhood model.
This doesn’t lead us to our True Self.
Or we may adopt the strategy “If I can’t beat them, join them” and become conscienceless, pathological and narcissistic.
I promise you either way keeps the pain going and feeds the ego. Your ego, which is a part of the same unconscious psychic virus.
The human psychic virus that thrives of fear and pain was all originally caused by myths creating separation / division from our own Inner Beings, separation / division from Source / God, and separation / division from each other.
This is the human psychic virus that is responsible for every act of aggression, every insanity on this planet, and is the exact reason why we claim to model “humanity” yet just a fraction of the money spent on weapons of mass destruction (disconnection) could shelter, feed and clothe every single man, woman and child (connection).
Back to your personal choice after being narcissistic abused …
By far the highest choice is we can use this experience of the worst pain and fear – the greatest “hell” (disconnection) we have ever felt – to finally come home to the Oneness and Truth that we were all coded to live and generate for ourselves and others (connection).
Maybe your life depends on it.
Maybe the life you are modelling for your children depends on it.
Maybe the future of humanity depends on it.
Marrying Our True Self
I can’t state the following enough … truly it is the message I write about in every article, and it is the same message I speak about in every radio show.
This is it: “It all starts within you.”
People want the “what to do”, like a practical instruction book.
There is a practical instruction book – but is it about “inner work”.
If I was to write one sentence which summed up the whole instruction book it would be this: “Release your inner wounds, create space and then bring Source truth and connection in”.
I receive emails occasionally from people “I really believe in your work, I want to try your NARP Program, because I see what it does for people constantly, but please I don’t want to get hooked into some New Age airy fairy stuff. Please explain to me why it isn’t.”
I have to confess, I still have to breathe when I receive these emails before responding.
And I have to remember the days when I use to be so linear, so logical, and had to physically “see it to believe it”.
In start contract I now know “When I feel it as real in my body, then I will physically see it.”
You see, to “come home” we have to be willing to turn the old premises on their head, and look at Life and ourselves at a Quantum Level – which is the understanding that everything we see and experience is only a reality that was created from the unseen world first.
This Quantum Level also includes what is going on within our Inner Being.
To me the simplest way to describe this is literally “heaven” or “hell”.
I don’t see heaven or hell as “destinations”. I see (and feel) them as Inner States.
We are either connected to ourselves, Source and Life (Heaven) or we are disconnected and suffering the consequences (Hell).
The state of unconsciousness and being belted up by our egos is the later.
Our ego and unconsciousness does not operate in the former.
So how do we create a marriage with our True Self?
The same way we would create a True Marriage to any person.
We would love unconditionally, we would commit, and devote, and do all we could to support, nourish and flourish that “being” to become their greatest expression of self – which includes full honesty and having the “difficult discussions with love” when needed, in order to assist this being to become more conscious and expand.
What would that level of cherishing with our own Inner Being look like?
Like this …
We love unconditionally
We decide to stop (or more effectively shift past) the old tapes of degradation, shame, blame, unworthiness, not “enoughness’, self-criticism and self-hatred. And that is regardless of how those tapes got there. And we make the decision and act upon it by choosing to love ourselves with thoughts, words and actions that mean it – regardless of what “condition” we are in RIGHT now.
We don’t say “Okay one day when you are healed, whole and PERFECT enough for me to love you then I might – but only if I decide you are worthy of it.”
We don’t say “And ONLY if you have the right job, a slim enough stomach, not too many wrinkles, enough money in the bank and a successful relationship can I love you.”
We wake up and realise it is insanity to try to badger, hate and judge ourselves into wellbeing.
We wake up and realise it is insanity to inflict ourselves with so-called love with horrific conditions and then expect Life and others to make up the deficit.
We say “I am here with you. I am signed up. I’m not going anywhere, and I am your partner in Life eternally” (because we ARE).
And we commit to making it the most loving, compassionate, fulfilling, growth inspired journey we can create with ourselves coupled with the incredible resources of Life, Source and Creation.
And we STOP trying to get someone else (a false substitute) to be that Source.
We don’t run away from ourselves when the going gets tough.
At these time we step up and IN even more.
We do all we can to support, nourish and flourish our “being” to be its greatest expression of self
We do what it takes to heal, grow, develop and shine. We want that for ourselves, and we partner ourselves to achieve it, and we make it our greatest mission.
We know that Life, us and others are all connected – we understand the Quantum Level, and we realise that we cannot contribute healthily to anything if we are not coming from our True Self state.
We don’t need to perfectly healed, however we do need to be connected to ourselves with love, acceptance and honest embracing of ourselves.
We need to be living out of the terrain of unattended to wounds which cause us to be poisoned with victimisation, blame, shame, self-hatred, regret and resentment.
We need to be evolving ourselves past the unconsciousness of the human virus of separation.
True Core Beliefs Creating Disconnection Or Connection
This is it in nutshell – the very core belief that creates the fear and pain of disconnection from The Whole … “Life happens to me, I am not a generator of it, and therefore not responsible for what happens. I am a victim of Life. We are NOT all One.”
What this belief really is, is this: “I am separated from Life, Source and Others.”
This is exactly the beliefs that causes all abuse / abused, and creates abusers.
It created all the destruction on our planet.
If we all knew the truth – if we all saw and felt and realised the Quantum Level – there is no way what goes on would.
We would know we are all connected – which means: when I damage another I damage myself.
The most powerful statement you can ever make to start to anchor into coming home to your True Self state is this:
“Life is not happening to me, it happens through me. We are all One. Therefore I have a part in generating everything in my experience, because everything in my experience represents an aspect of myself”.
Then rather than looking futilely at the outside trying to fix it, change it, and make it behave a certain way to stop the inner pain – rather you will simply go inside and free yourself of your parts that are involved.
And it works – every time – because you are working at the CORE of the truth.
Then certain people will shift up into authenticity in your presence, or you will show up by having honest conversations without fear – which clears misunderstanding and creates authentic relationships of deep connection.
Or the people and situations that are not a match for your inner authenticity and self-partnering get “mysteriously” and even “suddenly” taken out of your experience. Often this happens straight after you show up in integrity without fear.
A coincidence? Absolutely not.
The more this “clean up self first” orientation happens, the more you will notice people who are genuinely lovely, warm and supportive seem to pop up in your life. Connections flourish, and new opportunities show up that you never had access to before.
And there will be so many less roadblocks in your life …
Because there is so much more energy available for creation and forward movement, and inspiration, rather than battling with old stuck issues.
So how do we get there?
By Marrying Our True Self.
By you declaring …
“Okay sister / brother we are together eternally it seems, and we are generating all of it in this experience, so let’s get this happening.
Let’s stop the illusions, the pain and separation and trying to create false substitutes and outside love and approval, and let’s partner.
Deeply, lovingly and honestly.
I know you have wounds, probably tons of them, but I’m going to love you even more because of them. I am going to love you so much that I am going to do everything I can to free you from this pain and release you to be the glorious, deserving being you really are to be the highest experience of your life, co-generating authentically with Life.
And wow what an amazing time we are going to have doing that together!”
If you commit to that – you have just performed your self-marriage ceremony unconditionally.
That is self-love. That is self-devotion, and that is the template that generates the identical reflection back from the resources of Life which are also healthy, genuine and available for your Highest Beingness.
The Understanding of “Beingness” Concepts
Many people post or write “I really want to ‘get’ what you write but I can’t”.
The reason why some of my concepts are initially hard to grasp, is because you can’t merely “think” this stuff to make it work.
You have to experience it.
You can’t experience it for real unless you do the journey inwards to self-partner (self-marry).
And you can’t experience it for real until you have shifted enough wounds out of your body, brought in your True Self (Source) connection, in order to feel these truths as real in your body.
Otherwise these concepts can just be words with no real meaning.
I promise you I couldn’t write what I do unless I had done this. If you go back through my blog to earlier ones ago you will see the progression.
Please know, I am not unique. I don’t have any more evolution potential than anyone else.
For all of us the progression continues and expands into more wholeness, joy and connection to The Oneness (the truth on a Quantum Level) when you are firmly committed to the daily development of your True Self state.
I am trying to explain the intangible … Something you can’t smell, taste, touch or feel.
You have to live it to know it.
And then you will.
I’d love to finish off with this … when I posted on Facebook for people to share what marrying their True Self meant to them, these were some of the glorious responses.
“Marriage to our True Selves is being the loving parent and higher source to ourselves, A total acceptance of who we are and loving every imperfect part. Of being safe, generous, of looking out for each other for the greater good of each other, being present in sickness and in health, engaging in every level of growth together, sharing our joys, tears, fears, likes and dislikes. Of having a voice and being visible. To understand and work together with ease and simplicity without any pretence or fear of judgement. Of being authentic with self and with each other.”
“Self-marriage would entail me lavishing all the love and effort and attention and TIME that I have directed away from myself on myself. TRUE COMMITMENT that is co-created with Source (so I guess that makes three of us in this marriage).”
“Being forgiving and allowing myself to make mistakes. Honesty, acceptance, and healing.”
“To treat myself as I would treat others. I lavished love and attention on others but I did not do that for myself. Now I see that it has to start with me first, emanate from within and move out in my activity. It doesn’t mean I stop giving attention to others, it means that my priority is to take care of me first and then I have the energy and wisdom to proceed with others.”
“Married to my true self I would never fall into a place of longing for anything. I’d be so strong in self that I’d stay buoyant and present. And if I saw something or someone I wanted, I’d feel: that’s for me! I can do that too! And: why not?”
“Compassion for self above all …”, and
“Marrying my true self would mean aligning with my true values and living by them every day. And attracting and being attracted by those who also share those values. For me, those values are: honesty, truth, integrity, authenticity, joy and freedom.”
I hope this article has inspired you to deeply, devotedly, irrevocably, eternally and passionately marry your True Self.
I look forward to answering your questions and comments.
Latest posts by Melanie Tonia Evans (see all)
- What Does The Narcissist Really Think About You? - October 28, 2019
- Don’t Fall For The Love Bomb! What It Feels Like To Date A Narcissist - October 24, 2019
- How To Spot A Female Narcissist Before It’s Too Late - October 21, 2019