Melanie Tonia Evans

The Narcissist’s Marriage To The False Self

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 10
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

We have been having a lot of discussions on Facebook, and through my articles and radio shows lately, about “ego”.

We have talked about how the ego is the defences, the false stories, the “outer looking” at problems, the unconsciousness and the disconnection from self which stops us from healing, growing and evolving.

In last week’s article I described how the ego can operate in our minds when we have wounds inside us – “gaps” that it can attack. 

In this article I want to start off by discussing how the narcissist relates to his or her ego, and then, as always, I want to bring the power back to our own self-awareness on this topic.

Those of us who have been in narcissistic relationships can relate to how narcissists would rather be “right than happy”. How invested they are in their egoic versions, which necessitate “making reality fit the stories in their heads” despite the obvious destruction that causes.

We have all discovered how we were dispensable in the face of this. And how everything – not just ourselves – security, marriage, prior promises and even children, are thrown under the bus to uphold the version that the narcissist’s almighty ego created.

A version that is about impunity, being above reproach, and zero tolerance towards anything opposing the egoic version whatsoever.

What on earth is that about?

The answer is a sad and obvious truth – the narcissist is married to his or her ego.

The narcissist’s total commitment and allegiance lies with the False Self.

So what is this marriage about?

Is it a willing marriage?

Was it an arranged marriage?

One thing is for sure … It’s not a marriage based on mutual reciprocity and love.

It’s a marriage fuelled by fear, dependency and take-over.

Let me explain …


How The Narcissist Entered Into Union With His / Her Ego

The marriage with the False Self occurred without the narcissist really knowing it was happening.

The original payoff to the narcissist for aligning with the False Self was that it granted a buffer against the wounds of the True Self. The ego provided another version – a grandiose platform of “stories” that generated feelings of being special, unique and superior.

At some point in the narcissist’s life, generally as a small child, the narcissist unconsciously divorced from his or her True Self, deciding it was “not good enough” to get vital needs met. Or this child had role models of entitlement and ego, or was spoilt to believe “I can have what I want when I act in self-absorbed ways.”

The more that the ego (False Self) was used as a vehicle of operation, the more the True Self withered up and become ineffective.

This created bigger unhealed emotional wounds (unattended to and spreading) and more “gaps” for the ego to attack.

The narcissist has become so stripped of True Self resources (self-reflection, self-honesty, becoming “conscious”, self-soothing, self-love, self-acceptance, emotional evolution and development of self) that more and more detachment of the True Self occurred.

The chronic disowning of the True Self is this ultimate egoic defence. “If I am vulnerable (real about my wounds with myself or others) I will be annihilated”.

Sadly and tragically this was very true for some children – but it never needs to be for adults who partner self. Emotional realness is the essential base camp of everyone’s ascension to true freedom.

The following is the vicious cycle of the Ego taking over the True Self …

Egoic acts occur out of integrity (generated from false stories) which diminish the True Self further. Then the loss of integrity in the True Self creates more cracks (wounds) for the False Self to enter and control the show.

By the time the narcissist has reached the behaviours of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, the ego has taken over.

The narcissist is married to the ego, because he or she is dependent on it. The narcissist won’t and can’t let the ego go.

The narcissist’s ego is the total dispenser and governor of how the narcissist feels. The unhealed and forever festering disowned young inner wounds create the gaps for pathology and delusions to take place.

On a good day when the narcissist has served the ego well and generated enough narcissistic supply (evidence to confirm the False Self’s grandiosity) the narcissist will be rewarded by the False Self with delusions of acclaim that provide relief from the original young wounds of deep shame and unworthiness.

The marriage to the ego supplies all sorts of stories and feelings such as: “You are the sexiest thing alive”, “Everyone is in awe of you”, “Look at how incredible, valuable, smart, and fantastic you are” “Is it any wonder everyone is so envious of you?” and so on and so forth.

Yet, when the narcissist’s False Self hasn’t received enough of a feed from the narcissist’s endeavours that day – the ego will brutally assault the original wounds.

“You are useless, worthless, ugly, not good enough and a total failure. Look at you, you piece of (nasty adjective).”

The truth about this marriage is: the narcissist is a slave to his one and only truly Master – the relentless requirement of narcissistic supply to feed the False Self.

He or she is trying to keep the False Self appeased so that it will stop eating the narcissist alive.

The narcissist’s marriage to the False Self is made in hell. Its basis is extreme conditional love. – “I will only grant you stories that temporarily distract you from your never-ending pain IF you give me exactly what I want.”

The problem is the bar is always being raised …


The Illusions the False Self Creates

The narcissist believes he or she is God. Meaning there is no higher power than the narcissist, and no-one more superior.

Because that’s the “story” the ego is always grandstanding to the narcissist – or maybe we should say the vessel who was the person before the False Self takeover.

Maybe at this point there is no separation?

Sam Vaknin writes about how narcissists do really bad stuff and it is like “seeing someone else doing it” but having no control. Like being numbed out and viewing it as a third person.

(Interestingly both the narcissists in my life expressed to me similar descriptions).

Yet the narcissist can’t recognise that the False Self delusions are just voices in his or her head – it feels like an “identify”. And there is no healthy, solid True Self available to make the distinction.

Rather than being a healthy True Self, the narcissist can’t establish good feelings or become them, and has to “take” from Life and others in order to try and get relief from the inverted emotional descent into constant pain.


How Did The False Self Take Over?

The reasons are because the original disowned wounds that are horrific and screaming, are the sufficient pain and fear (food) to allow a False Self to take up home in the most permanent and cemented way.

The only way to free oneself from a False Self (ego) is to become conscious – to apply self-reflection and become real.

The narcissist decided, in stark contrast, to divorce the True Self and makes no attempt to face it, heal it and revive it.

With the False Self uncontested and at the helm – what exists now is “anti-life” not Lifeforce.

This is effectively an emotional black-hole that has to devour Lifeforce (energy) in order to exist.

The marriage to the False Self is a one-way-street. The False Self gets a constant feed of pain and destruction from its host, the narcissist, and can mobilise the narcissist into sucking energy from his or her environments.

From the narcissist’s side the pay-offs of temporary relief from screaming inner wounds come at a huge price. The more the False Self gets, the more energised the False Self becomes, and the more the False Self wants. Then the more the narcissist has to go after “stuff” to offset the False Self batterings when it doesn’t get what it wants.

And no matter what the False Self gets, it will find a way to be dissatisfied with it.

The narcissist is clueless that his or her feelings of emptiness, and never feeling genuinely satisfied or at peace are not his or her True Self, they are the imposter – the ego.

And the narcissist is hooked on the random payouts of grandiosity that quieten the screams of the damaged, abused young True Self – his or her real identity who has never grown up and never recovered.

In fact so much damage has happened that the narcissist is at peril of losing touch with all reality, with any chance of it being reinstated becoming less and less likely.

The compelling illusion – the lies that that False Self have provided – have kept the narcissist away from the truth …

This is the truth …

The True Self is a gateway to bigger and better things.

Partnering with the True Self, and healing it to a healthy state, grants connection to the bigness of “Life”. Access to more expansion, wisdom, manifestation ability, abundance, joy, love – if fact any state deeply desired.

The False Self promises these things, and makes the narcissist believe that ONLY the False Self can generate these things – in order to get the narcissist to serve as required.

(Sound familiar?)

(Does much of what I have written above sound familiar?)

The truth is completely disconnected from – this truth – that the marriage to our True Self expands individuals into infinite multiplication beyond what was possible as a small personality self-separated from the Energetic Field of “all that is”.

The narcissist doesn’t know this …

The narcissist can’t trust this …

The narcissist can’t feel this because of the disintegration of the True Self, and because of the hold the False Self has which makes sure the narcissist won’t access this truth.


Who Can Compete With the Narcissist’s Ego?

The answer is “Nobody”.

Appeasing the narcissist’s False Self is a full time concern. Hence why obtaining narcissistic supply is so necessary, and is the only true mission of the narcissist’s existence.

The narcissist’s relationship with you was being directed by the False Self.

“Adore this one. This one recognises how special you are. This one makes other people envy you, brings you the resources you deserve, will have sex with you in ways that makes you feel like the God that you are, grants you the right connections etc.”

Later down the track, naturally after the massive personality cracks appear and you are no longer handing over such adoration and “stuff”, the narcissist’s ego pipes up with …

“This person is untrustworthy, adulterous, ugly to look at, no good for anything, out to get your money, a pain in the neck, using you for their self-gain, dissatisfying / selfish in bed.” (And so much more).

Because the ego is no longer getting its high grade feed of significance, it will come up with every story to tell the narcissist How Bad You Are, and why you deserve to be dumped, punished or annihilated.

The truth is you were never “married” to the narcissist.

Because there is no-one there.

You were simply an extension of the vessel that “was” the narcissist and who has been taken over by the False Self.

You too were serving the human psychic virus, the ego, via the narcissist.

Thank God you can divorce from that.

Thank God you are not the totally corrupted shell the narcissist is.

Thank God you can get away and heal … unlike the narcissist who can’t.


See the Similarities?

A really profound truth is this: The narcissist treats you identically to how the narcissist’s False Self treats the narcissist.

How could the narcissist treat you any differently?

It appears to be the narcissist, however the true culprit is the unconsciousness of ego.

A “marriage” to a False Self comprises of the following:

Enough is never enough ….

Nothing is ever good enough …

You are never good enough …

Accountability is never taken …

Excuses are made …

Delusions are created …

When things fall short of unrealistic expectations blame is dispensed …

Anger, pain, fear, anxiety, depression and addiction is the norm, and

Gross separation, distrust and competition with self, Life and others prevail.

Truly this is a marriage that ends up in demise, eventually for all participants – even for the virus (ego) – because when the host is dead so is the “cancer’ that killed him / her.

How does the virus of extreme unconsciousness live on?

By infecting others, including future generations.


When The Relationship Ends

You have been poisoned … profoundly.

You have been inflicted with the psychic disease of the False Self – the emptiness, the loss of Lifeforce, and the feeling like you having nothing left of yourself other than an empty shell.

And you feel like you have been violated and infiltrated by the voices of the False Self. The voices of accusation, damnation and the highlighting of all your “gaps”, all your insecurities that make you feel unworthy, unlovable, shameful and defective.

This is the breakdown / breakthrough point.

Do we choose to remain unconscious?

If so we can only remain disconnected from Self, point the finger outwards and hand our power away by adopting the victimhood model.

This doesn’t lead us to our True Self.

Or we may adopt the strategy “If I can’t beat them, join them” and become conscienceless, pathological and narcissistic.

I promise you either way keeps the pain going and feeds the ego. Your ego, which is a part of the same unconscious psychic virus.

The human psychic virus that thrives of fear and pain was all originally caused by myths creating separation / division from our own Inner Beings, separation / division from Source / God, and separation / division from each other.

This is the human psychic virus that is responsible for every act of aggression, every insanity on this planet, and is the exact reason why we claim to model “humanity” yet just a fraction of the money spent on weapons of mass destruction (disconnection) could shelter, feed and clothe every single man, woman and child (connection).

Back to your personal choice after being narcissistic abused …

By far the highest choice is we can use this experience of the worst pain and fear – the greatest “hell” (disconnection) we have ever felt – to finally come home to the Oneness and Truth that we were all coded to live and generate for ourselves and others (connection).

Maybe your life depends on it.

Maybe the life you are modelling for your children depends on it.

Maybe the future of humanity depends on it.


Marrying Our True Self

I can’t state the following enough … truly it is the message I write about in every article, and it is the same message I speak about in every radio show.

This is it: “It all starts within you.”

People want the “what to do”, like a practical instruction book.

There is a practical instruction book – but is it about “inner work”.

If I was to write one sentence which summed up the whole instruction book it would be this: “Release your inner wounds, create space and then bring Source truth and connection in”.

I receive emails occasionally from people “I really believe in your work, I want to try your NARP Program, because I see what it does for people constantly, but please I don’t want to get hooked into some New Age airy fairy stuff. Please explain to me why it isn’t.”

I have to confess, I still have to breathe when I receive these emails before responding.

And I have to remember the days when I use to be so linear, so logical, and had to physically “see it to believe it”.

In start contract I now know “When I feel it as real in my body, then I will physically see it.”

You see, to “come home” we have to be willing to turn the old premises on their head, and look at Life and ourselves at a Quantum Level – which is the understanding that everything we see and experience is only a reality that was created from the unseen world first.

This Quantum Level also includes what is going on within our Inner Being.

To me the simplest way to describe this is literally “heaven” or “hell”.

I don’t see heaven or hell as “destinations”. I see (and feel) them as Inner States.

We are either connected to ourselves, Source and Life (Heaven) or we are disconnected and suffering the consequences (Hell).

The state of unconsciousness and being belted up by our egos is the later.

Our ego and unconsciousness does not operate in the former.

So how do we create a marriage with our True Self?

The same way we would create a True Marriage to any person.

We would love unconditionally, we would commit, and devote, and do all we could to support, nourish and flourish that “being” to become their greatest expression of self – which includes full honesty and having the “difficult discussions with love” when needed, in order to assist this being to become more conscious and expand.

What would that level of cherishing with our own Inner Being look like?

Like this …


We love unconditionally

We decide to stop (or more effectively shift past) the old tapes of degradation, shame, blame, unworthiness, not “enoughness’, self-criticism and self-hatred. And that is regardless of how those tapes got there. And we make the decision and act upon it by choosing to love ourselves with thoughts, words and actions that mean it – regardless of what “condition” we are in RIGHT now.

We don’t say “Okay one day when you are healed, whole and PERFECT enough for me to love you then I might – but only if I decide you are worthy of it.”

We don’t say “And ONLY if you have the right job, a slim enough stomach, not too many wrinkles, enough money in the bank and a successful relationship can I love you.”

We wake up and realise it is insanity to try to badger, hate and judge ourselves into wellbeing.

We wake up and realise it is insanity to inflict ourselves with so-called love with horrific conditions and then expect Life and others to make up the deficit.


We commit

We say “I am here with you. I am signed up. I’m not going anywhere, and I am your partner in Life eternally” (because we ARE).

And we commit to making it the most loving, compassionate, fulfilling, growth inspired journey we can create with ourselves coupled with the incredible resources of Life, Source and Creation.

And we STOP trying to get someone else (a false substitute) to be that Source.


We devote

We don’t run away from ourselves when the going gets tough.

At these time we step up and IN even more.


We do all we can to support, nourish and flourish our “being” to be its greatest expression of self

We do what it takes to heal, grow, develop and shine. We want that for ourselves, and we partner ourselves to achieve it, and we make it our greatest mission.

We know that Life, us and others are all connected – we understand the Quantum Level, and we realise that we cannot contribute healthily to anything if we are not coming from our True Self state.

We don’t need to perfectly healed, however we do need to be connected to ourselves with love, acceptance and honest embracing of ourselves.

We need to be living out of the terrain of unattended to wounds which cause us to be poisoned with victimisation, blame, shame, self-hatred, regret and resentment.

We need to be evolving ourselves past the unconsciousness of the human virus of separation.


True Core Beliefs Creating Disconnection Or Connection

This is it in nutshell – the very core belief that creates the fear and pain of disconnection from The Whole … “Life happens to me, I am not a generator of it, and therefore not responsible for what happens. I am a victim of Life. We are NOT all One.”

What this belief really is, is this: “I am separated from Life, Source and Others.”

This is exactly the beliefs that causes all abuse / abused, and creates abusers.

It created all the destruction on our planet.

If we all knew the truth – if we all saw and felt and realised the Quantum Level – there is no way what goes on would.

We would know we are all connected – which means: when I damage another I damage myself.

The most powerful statement you can ever make to start to anchor into coming home to your True Self state is this:

“Life is not happening to me, it happens through me. We are all One. Therefore I have a part in generating everything in my experience, because everything in my experience represents an aspect of myself”.

Then rather than looking futilely at the outside trying to fix it, change it, and make it behave a certain way to stop the inner pain – rather you will simply go inside and free yourself of your parts that are involved.

And it works – every time – because you are working at the CORE of the truth.

Then certain people will shift up into authenticity in your presence, or you will show up by having honest conversations without fear – which clears misunderstanding and creates authentic relationships of deep connection.

Or the people and situations that are not a match for your inner authenticity and self-partnering get “mysteriously” and even “suddenly” taken out of your experience. Often this happens straight after you show up in integrity without fear.

A coincidence? Absolutely not.

The more this “clean up self first” orientation happens, the more you will notice people who are genuinely lovely, warm and supportive seem to pop up in your life. Connections flourish, and new opportunities show up that you never had access to before.

And there will be so many less roadblocks in your life …

Because there is so much more energy available for creation and forward movement, and inspiration, rather than battling with old stuck issues.

So how do we get there?

By Marrying Our True Self.

By you declaring …

“Okay sister / brother we are together eternally it seems, and we are generating all of it in this experience, so let’s get this happening.

Let’s stop the illusions, the pain and separation and trying to create false substitutes and outside love and approval, and let’s partner.

Deeply, lovingly and honestly.

I know you have wounds, probably tons of them, but I’m going to love you even more because of them. I am going to love you so much that I am going to do everything I can to free you from this pain and release you to be the glorious, deserving being you really are to be the highest experience of your life, co-generating authentically with Life.

And wow what an amazing time we are going to have doing that together!”

If you commit to that – you have just performed your self-marriage ceremony unconditionally.

That is self-love. That is self-devotion, and that is the template that generates the identical reflection back from the resources of Life which are also healthy, genuine and available for your Highest Beingness.


The Understanding of “Beingness” Concepts

Many people post or write “I really want to ‘get’ what you write but I can’t”.

The reason why some of my concepts are initially hard to grasp, is because you can’t merely “think” this stuff to make it work.

You have to experience it.

You can’t experience it for real unless you do the journey inwards to self-partner (self-marry).

And you can’t experience it for real until you have shifted enough wounds out of your body, brought in your True Self (Source) connection, in order to feel these truths as real in your body.

Otherwise these concepts can just be words with no real meaning.

I promise you I couldn’t write what I do unless I had done this. If you go back through my blog to earlier ones ago you will see the progression.

Please know, I am not unique. I don’t have any more evolution potential than anyone else.

For all of us the progression continues and expands into more wholeness, joy and connection to The Oneness (the truth on a Quantum Level) when you are firmly committed to the daily development of your True Self state.

I am trying to explain the intangible … Something you can’t smell, taste, touch or feel.

You have to live it to know it.

And then you will.

I’d love to finish off with this … when I posted on Facebook for people to share what marrying their True Self meant to them, these were some of the glorious responses.

“Marriage to our True Selves is being the loving parent and higher source to ourselves, A total acceptance of who we are and loving every imperfect part. Of being safe, generous, of looking out for each other for the greater good of each other, being present in sickness and in health, engaging in every level of growth together, sharing our joys, tears, fears, likes and dislikes. Of having a voice and being visible. To understand and work together with ease and simplicity without any pretence or fear of judgement. Of being authentic with self and with each other.”

“Self-marriage would entail me lavishing all the love and effort and attention and TIME that I have directed away from myself on myself. TRUE COMMITMENT that is co-created with Source (so I guess that makes three of us in this marriage).”

“Being forgiving and allowing myself to make mistakes. Honesty, acceptance, and healing.”

“To treat myself as I would treat others. I lavished love and attention on others but I did not do that for myself. Now I see that it has to start with me first, emanate from within and move out in my activity. It doesn’t mean I stop giving attention to others, it means that my priority is to take care of me first and then I have the energy and wisdom to proceed with others.”

“Married to my true self I would never fall into a place of longing for anything. I’d be so strong in self that I’d stay buoyant and present. And if I saw something or someone I wanted, I’d feel: that’s for me! I can do that too! And: why not?”

“Compassion for self above all …”, and

“Marrying my true self would mean aligning with my true values and living by them every day. And attracting and being attracted by those who also share those values. For me, those values are: honesty, truth, integrity, authenticity, joy and freedom.”

I hope this article has inspired you to deeply, devotedly, irrevocably, eternally and passionately marry your True Self.

I look forward to answering your questions and comments.


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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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45 Thoughts on The Narcissist’s Marriage To The False Self
    Debbie T
    November 13, 2014

    Omg. Melanie you just describe my husband, it is so clear to me that I have done the right thing. I have filed for divorce and am hiding for the last month, no contact. I just want to get as far away from him as possible.what I have read so far this last two weeks has really helped me. I am so glad I stumbled on to your website. I am 57 years old and starting all over again and I think I am going to marry myself this time and work on healing the damage that has been done over the last 10 years or more. I see light at the end of the tunnel.
    Thankyou again,

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 13, 2014

      Hi Debbie,

      I am so thrilled my material has helped you!

      I LOVE that you are going to marry you 🙂

      How beautiful Debbie!

      Mel xo

    November 13, 2014

    Hi Melanie you have also described my husband. I separated from his abuse 2 years ago but slipped back recently by trying to contact him. So angry with myself. His pride was that he never hit a woman but said everything you described in this article. The mr nice guy to the mental torture and insults. I can’t thank you enough for making me realise his treatment was not my fault.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 13, 2014

      Hi Elaine,

      that’s okay, don’t beat yourself up.

      Most of us slipped – myself included.

      Sometimes we need to be really “done” and see that there is no possibility of accountability and reform, and realise that this journey is so about healing and developing ourselves.

      You are so welcome Elaine.

      Mel xo

    November 13, 2014

    Hi Melanie,I have been most absorbed in the story of the farmer and his slaming door to the anxious man.This hits home to me,as it is one of my biggest blind spots,that affect my life profoundly.I make sure that I will get in 1st so to speak.Because of my un healed wounds,and carrying containers of self doubt,worth,no one wants that,me in their lives.I just like the man hungry and cold not wanting to knock on farmers door.But by the stage he did and the frame of hi level anxiety made sure he attacked 1st just in case his conjurded thoughts were right.He asked the farmer to close the door.And I do that so well,not well,because its not.It affects me having happy friendships relationships with friends,new and old friends.I am doing just as the cold hungry man.I think if they were my friends they would do this or that,make barriers that are not easy for them to crawl over,and when something is said or not said,my un healed wounds are open raw and kick in with why don’t you just go then,or if u cared u would of.So there for I do assume im not worthy to people and unliked think that they see me with “problems”so they stay clear,and then I react again.Especially when someone usually friend doesn’t respond,or get back to me.Im don’t they care theyre supposed to be my friend.After a recent domestic violent attack on myself from husband it all feels like how many times can 1 person heal.From childhood sexual,physical emotional abuse,i have travelled and im very much wanting that happiness in my life to re kindle.But im lost a bit.At moment some friends aren’t talking or in touch,why cause I said go on then walk away shut yr door on me then all too much for you.Im really wanting to work towards this terrible blind spots of mine that are holding mee back from life.Life with peace life of knowing I wont be a victim again after this violent failed marriage,life with my friends that’s happy and no containers of unwanted un necessary un worthy dis trusting doubtfull,negative thoughts about shes going to think less of me,.What is needed to go to the place where ego is never fed again.wounds heal reminding only of how awesome to be the survivor.Thanks Mel,kindest regards Nicole

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 13, 2014

      Hi Nicole,

      what is wonderful is that you have identified and “owned” the pattern within you.

      Now the only thing that that is left to do is to address it.

      Nicole, you have stated you really want to work on these parts of yourself.

      Are you on the NARP Program? Because that is a very powerful tool to do so, plus you get so much support from the incredible NARP Private Community as a result of being a member.

      That is my strongest suggestion to go straight to “the way to heal”.

      Also please know there are many people who have worked the NARP Program whilst still in the painful relationship.

      NARP will not only help you with the abusive relationship issues, it also directly works on your inner programs which are affecting other relationships – including friendships (as well as so many other issues we can have related to “unworthiness” etc.)

      If you are not sure about getting started with NARP – then please come into my next Free Webinar where I explain the process to you and take you through a Live Quanta Freedom Healing process (the subconscious healing process) in NARP.

      Here is the link to join in to the next Webinar

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

    November 13, 2014

    Hi Melanie,
    Many thanks for all your wonderful articles, I have learnt a lot about myself and my narcissistic wife. As much as I have learned, I still am stuck in a narcissistic marriage with a 6 year old boy who I feel it is my duty to protect. In short, I had an affair with J and left my previous marriage to L to be with her. My problem started in my marriage with L when her mother moved in. The both had traits of narcissism (which I believe we all do to some extent). J came along as the bubbly happy carefree women to whom I was instantly attracted to. It was a whirlwind affair with passion and “love” and all those good things. However at the time I tried many times to break it off but couldn’t! It was like an addiction! all the signs were there, that I was making a huge mistake. After 6 months we were married. Then the downhill spiral started. Whatever I did was not good enough, every time I discussed how guilty I felt about leaving my children, I was told to stop having pity parties. Any emotional or other problem I had was dismissed as me not taking responsibility for my actions. So my entire “support” that i thought I had with this wonderful woman disappeared into a black hole. I have been criticised for seeing my 2 children and not keeping money for “this family” (she has 2 children) Critical about my job, my family, my friends, and just about everything else. Before I married her I was quite well to do with a large house overlooking the ocean. When we married it was a huge downgrade due to the high expenses. To add fuel to the fire we had a child who is now 6. She has never liked boys and over the years has been very nasty to him and her older son (there is a 12 year gap). Her daughter who was 1 year older than her son is the golden girl who can do no wrong! She hit my son so hard with a wooden spoon which left terrible marks on his his buttocks (he was 2 at the time) She has sworn at him and used profanities to describe him etc etc.

    I know that other peoples behaviour cannot control you but it has been a war. Instead of me backing down and walking away, after a couple of years of verbal and emotional abuse I retaliated just a viciously with verbal abuse as well as a pushing her around. (i never hit or punched) but it was physical. She has been in 3 previous relationships where she had been physically abused. This does not excuse my behaviour and am deeply traumatised by it. Over the years she has continually “pushed” me to the point of getting so angry that I retaliate. (its almost as if it is done on purpose to get a reaction out of me) When i do go into retaliation mode she plays the victim like she has done nothing wrong. In other instances the silent treatment has been used, the snide remark as she is walking away, useless man, dick, irresponsible, selfish person, useless lover, thought you were a man, but very much mistaken, thought you had a head for business, but clearly you dont and so on and so on. I am no angel and have done and said many wrong and ugly things. The things I have said I am truly sorry for and will always admit to a mistake. The same however cannot be said for her, she is never wrong! She has lost 2 jobs due her fighting with people, told her family they are dead to her, and any of my friends or family are not welcome. My family believe she is not right for me, my children cannot stand her either. Everything is conditional. If I cook then i am OK, if I make coffee then I am OK, If I do things for her then I am OK, sex only happens when she deems it. In the last year probably about 5 times. If I even discuss my needs she will accuse me of being needy. I am like a puppy dog continually going back for more. The only reason I believe I am still there is for my son. I know this relationship is toxic but cannot seem to move on, I live in the perpetual hope that eventually she will get better. It does get better for about 2 or 3 weeks and then bam! I get put down again. I run my own business and it becomes very difficult to control my emotions, I continually go down. I have been on antidepressants since I met her. This is a plea for help. I sometimes have thoughts of ending my life just to escape! I know I look for approval from her and also know it will never happen! I have been trying extremely hard to fix myself myself but becomes very difficult when I am continually put down. Sorry this was so long!

    thanks Ian

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 13, 2014

      Hi Ian,

      you are very welcome.

      Ian it must be awful your situation, and I can understand why you want to stay to protect your son.

      However, the overwhelming evidence is that children fair much better developmentally if you were to separate and co-parent, especially if you could have your son a reasonable amount of the time.

      Ian it is very hard to recover when constantly being stripped of self, and truly you are not the best you can be for your son when you are stripped of self.

      Have you accessed my articles about co-parenting?

      Wishing you healing and strength Ian.

      Mel xo

        Valerie Wedel
        December 3, 2014

        Dear Ian,

        By the grace of Spirit you may see this… I have two kids with an ex who was sadly poison, because I was a match for that. Against all odds and legal precedent, I have the kids living full time with me. The ex continued trying to control and manipulate and threaten mediation after the divorce (actually before the ink was dry, you get the picture). I keep working Mel’s system and the kids are safe and healing! Please please don’t stay for your son, leave for your son. Take him and leave. You can break the cycle of abuse. You can!

    November 13, 2014

    Awesome article Mel.

    November 13, 2014

    Hi Mel,
    Well you’ve done it now.
    It’s been in so many pieces.
    Now you’ve tied all the pieces up in one package.
    This blog sets a higher standard for each of us.
    Here is knowledge and wisdom, here is the path.
    A powerful mechanism to spring the trap that waits on all of us.

    The marriage of humans and beings is truly our birthright.
    It is our only way out, our only way to effect real change.

    As we wake up.

    Thank you.


    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 14, 2014

      Hi Bill,

      I feel how much you have embodied this as truth.

      That was the intention I had with this article.

      Bless! Yes it is the only way …

      Mel xo

    November 13, 2014

    I was in narcisstic marriage for twenty three years and did not realise their moods and critisisms wear you down to shell. Each time I thought enough and got strength together to leave there were major crises in my life bankruptcy discovering his coke addiction and worse of all the loss of my first son. I can really relate to your blog and am in total agreement that we need to be ‘married’ to ourselves. I know now that I was never in relationship with my abuser and it has taken years to get here. He had bad health for over ten years and died eighteen months ago. Massive shocks came out of woodwork including debts he had put into my name prostitute and online dating site addiction jewellery which he insisted were stolen by family members but which I discovered from paperwork he had sold. I really didn’t know him at all he was compulve liar and very cruel he had no proper friends and gaslighted his children to control. My aim now is to go forward in my wonderful marriage to myself and teach my children to do the same. Thank you for your amazing support it seems your blogs always arrive just when I need them! Thank you Melanie.

      November 14, 2014

      Jackie, your comments made my heart sing: My “story” is almost exactly the same in terms of time spent, lies, betrayals, double lives, shocks-after-the-fact….everything. It really makes me happy to read your inspiring words, because marriage to myself as described by Mel and elaborated on by you IS the only answer. Thank you! I wanted to add this one thought and see what you think: when a malignant narcissist is ALSO a drug addict, I feel it is like it is a case of “malignant narcissism on crack” (to make a bad joke), It INTENSFIES the consciousless behavior because not only is the narcissistic ego running the show, but the body it is in is being driven by a physical compulsion beyond conprehension to people who have never seen the darkest addictive nature of meth, cocaine (in any form), or opioid addicts. Sam Vaknin (whom I respect) lumps it together with other addictions but has not delved into the implications of this “double narcissism,” as I think of it. Since meth and heroin addiction is on the rise in our of narcissism, the subject of these double-narcs and how it affects survivors so that they can turn into thrivers might be explored more. It’s going to be a growing issue. Thanks for your comments and for reading this far.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 14, 2014

      Hi Jackie,

      I am so pleased my material can help you.

      Jackie you are a wonderful inspiration. So many people, after what you have been through, would adopt the “victim model”.

      Your children are very blessed to have you as their mother.

      Mel xo

    Father of two
    November 13, 2014

    “Sam Vaknin writes about how narcissists do really bad stuff and it is like “seeing someone else doing it” but having no control. Like being numbed out and viewing it as a third person.

    (Interestingly both the narcissists in my life expressed to me similar descriptions).”

    What!!! Did the narcissists in your life make descriptions of their states of mind? I’m amazed! The person in my life has done horrible things, but never, ever even hinted at regretting financial fraud, gross slander risking other peoples’ lives, psychological manipulation, elaborate lies that only are discovered after seveal years, etc. etc. She has never once during eighteen years said something like “I made a mistake” or “I’m sorry that I hurt you” or “How horrible that our life turned into a total mess”. She has never, ever departed from her conviction that the only problem is….ME! And have I ever, ever noticed that she is equipped with a conscience?

    And at the same time, she’s a very good mother to the children. It’s difficult for me to find fault with her as a mother – well, apart from the pigsty approach to interior decoration.

    Are you sure they were narcissists, and not some nice, Sunday School versions, like “Narcissist Light”. Or – horrible thought – is the mother of my children something worse than a narcissist?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 14, 2014

      Father Of Two,

      it is common for narcissists in times of narcissistic injury to be temporarily lucid, and even remorseful.

      There are a ton of reports from people about narcs even acknowledging their childhood wounds – but it doesn’t “hold”.

      Again, as I have stated to you before, when you have commented on my blog – your emancipation lies in stopping trying to figure her out and recognising your stuff.

      That is what these blog articles are all about.

      Mel xo

        Father of two
        November 14, 2014

        Dear Melanie,

        My main concern is with the children. I’ve realized that I married into a group culture of betrayal, where personal responsibility is replaced with a pack mentality, scapegoating is the shortcut used to avoid painful search of one’s own soul, treason is a normal part of friendship and family life, and betraying one’s own core values is part of life.

        My ex-wife’s good treatment of the children most probably is the result of her being an extreme cameleon/copycat and very competitive and insincere about it. Having denounced me as a vile low-life, she still doesn’t want her parenting to be worse than mine.

        Honestly, I care very little about my ex-wife as such. I would have thrown out such a person from my life years ago, if it hadn’t been for the children. Quite seriously, I’d rather die than see the children continue the culture of treason, and my interest in my ex-wife’s and her group’s behaviour above all is part of my vigilant monitoring of the dangers surrounding my darlings.

        I guess that lucid moments are normal for a narcissist who has grown up surrounded by sane values, whereas a person who’s lived with distorted values from early childhood simply lacks a sane frame of reference – lucidity actually requires som basic understanding of what light is.

        I guess my own issue is about giving more than I receive. What amazes me in this matter is that, for years having tried to give far more love to the children than I receive from my environment, I receive far more love from the little ones than I previously believed that children were capable of.

    November 14, 2014

    Thank you Love!!! I appreciate you Melanie! Blessings from God our father our Source! hugs

    November 14, 2014

    Beautifully explained Melanie… So inspiring.
    Question: Is there hope for the Narcissist? is it possible for him or her to connect with true self. There is a wounded child in the narcissist I can truly see and it pains me to know that they are destined to failure and hell for the rest of their life. Is there a way in which one can help? It’s just so sad. I love the narc unconditionally. Of course I no longer live with him. He found another supply, but I see that the beautiful child is there buried underneath the rubble of his pain. 🙁
    Thank you for all the effort of love you’re expending in helping more to be aware and heal from the devastating condition of narcissist abuse.

      Father of two
      November 14, 2014

      Dear Strongwind,

      “Question: Is there hope for the Narcissist? … but I see that the beautiful child is there buried underneath the rubble of his pain.”

      What strikes me when I read your statement is exactly your words “I see that beautiful child”. For as long as you or anyone sees that beautiful child, I think there is hope. Much can be accomplished through sincere efforts to strengthen what is good in a person through constant efforts to see the positive qualities, through stressing them, praising them. It takes a terrible lot of effort, and – honestly – our main task in life is to develop ourselves, not to save others.

      My situation is another. I had children by that beautiful soul, only then beginning to realize that the beauty was an act, and that the real person was something completely different. I’ve stayed on without any hope of making the mother of my children into something beautiful that she isn’t. On the contrary, I stayed on in order to give my children a chance to become those beautiful souls that I believed to have seen in their mother. My children really are wonderful now, but for the life of me I see so little beauty in their mother, however much try (I sincerely try).

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 14, 2014

      Hi Strongwind,

      I am glad you enjoyed the article. And you are so welcome 🙂

      I have written articles specifically about your question …

      In short – real healing can only take place when consciousness is adopted and then dedicated on.

      “I am the generative source of my own experience”. Which means humility, stopping blame and victimization and stopping getting “supply” to numb out the wounds, and facing them instead.

      Yes, I believe it is possible. What would it take? Maybe solitary confinement to face wounds and stop going after the “heroin” of supply, and having nothing or no-one to project the inner wounds at?

      To date I do not know of one credible case of a person with NPD who has recovered.

      I also know that anyone who tries to midwife this for the narcissist is attacked by the False Self mercilessly.

      Mel xo

      November 14, 2014

      I tried it and I failed. It can’t be done by you or me.
      Ask your narc how it feels about itself. You will draw a blank.
      Narcs have no feelings about themselves, they have no empathy for themselves. Their self is false. They know they are dead and they accept it. It is sad, tragic really but you are trying to raise the dead and you do not have that power.

      You only have the power to save yourself.

      Wake up.
      I know, I know.
      The pain.


    Irene Madrid
    November 14, 2014

    After 42 years of pain and confusion with a man who’s narcissism grew with his age, I set myself free. It was not pretty at first. I was empty inside.

    I have stood up to this person and we go to court end of Nov. There will be other court dates but I can now say, I am a whole person, myself, now. Hopefully, I will be able to protect what is mine but I DO have me back.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 14, 2014

      Hi Irene,

      you may or may not come out with what is yours in a financial sense.

      But that is not the True win …what is, is the establishment, joy freedom and expansion of your True Self.

      The “stuff” is nowhere near as important as that, and never needs to be compromised for that.

      Mel xo

    November 14, 2014

    Hi Mel,

    This article struck me. I used to wonder about the narc ex., what would she be if she didn’t say anything negative or brag about herself? Nothing, there was nothing there. The whole 22 year marriage was all about her and appeasing her and it was never enough, just as your article states. It seemed she thought that I should be a Greek god and whenever I seemed human, she did all she could to force me to be as her imagination required. The same for the children. My kids are so messed up and as their mother they refuse to work on their issues.

    I had to make a choice, I chose no more difficult people in my life. My life is so much better now, I have no need for difficult people anymore and that includes my own children. I only hope that someday they will make the choice to face their issues and do something about it. I will be there for them if they want it.

    November 15, 2014

    Wow Mel (can I call you that or do you prefer Melanie), once again your article amazes me. 2 things I greatly identify in this article –

    1. How easy it is to become poisoned from a bad relationship (or false self as you so clinically put it), and go on to the next relationship with the poision still inside you – defences mechanism in place, not putting your heart fully into the relationship because you’ve been too burnt from the previous experience, etc. from where I’ve been, as someone who has been commitment phobic for many years I know finally understand that another persons poision is still inside me making me fear and shut down from commitment and closeness.

    2. You write:
    If I was to write one sentence which summed up the whole instruction book it would be this: “Release your inner wounds, create space and then bring Source truth and connection in”.

    So true, I cannot tell you how many times my brain has tried to over complicate things (of course when I’m not QFH) and try extra things, try logically to find as much information as possible, trying to find “the answer”.
    I’ve gone from thinking everything is set in stone to we have the power to choose our own reality and that what we chose is ultimately our own responsibility. This is it, nothing more nothing less, this is it.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 16, 2014

      Hi Nic,

      you certainly can call me Mel!

      I am so pleased this struck a chord with you …

      So, so true our lives don’t need to be on set trajectories.

      We DO have the power to change it.

      Self-partnering is the key! 🙂

      Mel xo

    November 15, 2014

    Hi Mel, thank you for your lenghty description of what narcissism can be. In reading other sources previously, they have not been as descriptive and in so much depth. Many of us know people living in such situations, bur for the sake of not publicising the issues too much to creat less fuel, outsiders are not aware of many of the details. Looking around at cases where it is known that some of the issues are, it is amazing not only to see the effects of the narcissist has on their surroundings, but also on their communities.
    It is difficult for the lay person to help the narcissist. In situations when you know support is needed for caretakers, it is very scary and there is little one dares to do as the effects are unpredictable and could appear just about any place. People who have had the role of being caretakers for others know how lonely and draining it can be. You want to be supportive, but there can be great risks. Hopefully their loved ones know and feel they have prayers abd other support coming to them always if that is all taht is safe for everyone to be involved with intill a new stage is built. It is not easy for anyone. For the sorrounding people it brings obstacles. They make plans inside themselves about their personal goals, achievements, schedules and other plans, but there seems to be constant changes appearing.
    The news that come out regarding issues are often like sci-fi and to translate them to the hopefully correct meaning is time consuming and uncertain. Lots seem to clear while the stars are out and the eyes shold be closed. Dreams are also created.
    everyone tries to do their best for the future planning. Everyone has issues, topics and goals. It is difficult to co-ordinate a timetable that co-insides for everyone. Uncertainty and the unknown make the process move slower. Then set-backs arrive. But one must trust in oneself and the higher in life. Sometimes stacks of newsprint one had not counted on arrive. That changes the timetable and slows down other areas.
    Hopefuly the caretakers and bystanders are able to take a deep breath and time for themselves when they really feel they need to. So time out is more than deserved to be able to stay on the duty. No one will blame anyone for a “battery charge”. It is well deserved and necessary. Don’t need burn-outs!
    Love, trust, honesty,respect, fairness, to strive for creation of a situation that is enriching and the best possible outcome for all involved should be fair expectations.
    Much gratitude for all your shared research, Mel! It is difficult to only be able to stand on the sideline. Blessings to you!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 16, 2014

      Hi Wenche,

      it must be incredibly hard for people caretaking narcissists.

      I do know of people in this Community who have resigned from that job in order to escape abuse, and / or needed to work on their own inner wounds of guilt, over-responsibility and or fear of smear campaigns to let go.

      I think for many, there comes the point of realising abuse is not worth it, and as you so truthfully expressed, effects so much in the vicinity including others (the caretaker’s nearest and dearest), which also impacts future generations (programs then as fixers / caretakers) , and also truly I believe at a true soul level we aren’t helping anyone by caretaking them when they choose to remain abusive.

      That is enabling …

      And of course all of this is a personal decision, and a part of chosen or not personal evolution.

      Mel xo

    November 15, 2014

    Hi Mel. I got some important clarity reading this. The narc’s false self seeks to expand through ego, not through true self…wow. What a a-ha moment! And a moment that resonated the truth deeply within me. I sometimes still feel a little afraid to expand in my life, because there is fear of being ‘like that’ and that I may loose myself to ego in expansion, like I saw him do. This is where I feel I need to pay close attention to where I am, and take it one day at a time, to unlearn and learn a little more each day. So much of this work for me is about courageously discovering and uncovering the truth, and when you do, you find the light replaces a little more of the fear, and you can let go a little more, because you can trust what is true, because what is true, comes from love, and God is love, and there is no fear in God. I feel like I am being lead ever so gently by God, out of the abyss.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 16, 2014

      Hi Ruth,

      that is a great point you raised.

      Here is the distinction – the narcissist’s reach is done through “fear”. Meaning I “need” that to be whole …

      The True Self expansion is the space, joy, inspiration and “want” to expand that is so powerful – I just AM getting bigger, more generative, excited, passionate and happy about life.

      Can you feel the difference?

      The first state is generated by inner wounding creating “not enoughness”, the second state is created by cleaning up inner wounding and being emotionally and internally “free” to expand authentically and joyously without conditions (I need that to feel a certain way).

      You are so right – it is all about releasing the fear and letting in the light.

      Mel xo

        November 16, 2014

        I absolutely feel the difference and I have known it for a very long time. I just never heard anyone put it into words before like you did. I guess it was an expansion moment! There is a quietness, peace, and completeness I feel in real self expansion. But because I doubted what I knew, ( had just enough fear of my own) I gave the narc a stronghold, and I started feeling like I needed to join him if I was to be successful, and abandon my way. It never felt right. In fact it felt horrible. I never fully joined him, but it left me in horrendous mental chaos. Now, generating life has become about not only my peace and joy, but everybody’s, not from egoic need, but from genuine contribution 🙂 and being part of that picture is true expansion.

    November 15, 2014

    Hi Mel,
    Having a breakdown day which I know will lead to breakthroughs. Just some thoughts I am having regards narc. Not focussing on him but would like some clarity.
    Married to him for 20 + years with children. Saw his true narc colours after he left for someone else. It has been over 3 years now and his life seems fine with new person. I know I’m not there but the cracks don’t seem to be appearing as they seem well established and happy. I know this is a big kick to my ego telling me that I wasn’t good enough for him.
    He is definitely a narc but it seems I am the only one who is “lucky” enough to experience the narc behaviours.
    Is there such a person who has no or very few childhood wounds and would narcs ever be attracted to these people?
    Thanks for your insight Mel. Xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 16, 2014

      Hi Kally,

      if I can be gently loving and directive with you …

      You ARE still focused on him (which is “normal”) because you haven’t as yet committed to your inner parts that are involved in this (your required emancipation) … The “I’m not good enough” “I was discarded and unimportant” stuff …

      Like all of us Kally, these wounds existed in you long before he came along and did what he did … otherwise he couldn’t have been in your experience in this way.

      And in no way is that “blame” – it is simply The true Quantum Level of life.

      Narcs come into every person’s life for an evolutionary opportunity and purpose. So the answer is “No”.

      Kally I would love you to come into my next Free Webinar to turn the focus back 180 degrees where it needs to be for the pain to end.

      Over three years is long enough for you to suffer.

      Truly …

      Mel xo

    November 16, 2014

    I love your posts, they have helped me so much through my difficult time with my ex husband. We were married for 3 and on again off again for 4 more. What a waste of time . Everything you write about is spot on.

    I am now NC for the last month and I feel terrific. No more crying, begging , fighting or any of the other craziness that surrounded our fake relationship is in my life. I am now free again to be with those I cherish and be happy without the ” you don’t put me number one” garbage ( his favorite quote) .

    I find myself enjoying my time alone again, but I am not lonely. I was lonely when I was in his presence. I am doing things now that I enjoy without feeling guilty or nervous that it may upset his highness. I am now free to make plans that bring me happiness and to share in it with friends and family. I no longer have to make choices of whether or not it will upset him and that is such a relief. The eggshells I were walking on are now turning to smooth sidewalk and I don’t have to worry about tripping up and making him angry.

    The last thing he said to me was that I didn’t want to live with him at his house, that I couldn’t tear myself away from my home and friends and family. It’s true. I wasn’t going to go back to that evil place. He wanted to get married again and I wouldn’t move back in as he was still showing his narcissistic side along with starting to drink again and cheat. So I am proud of myself for keeping distance and not giving in again to be his supply. His reason for wanting to get married is he didn’t want to be alone. Well that’s not a good enough answer and I know what that meant from our previous marriage. He is now dating someone else. And all I can say is good luck to her. Maybe she can give and be all he wants and if it works , great. All I know is it didn’t work for me and I am now starting to regain myself and all I was before I ever met him.

    Thank you again!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 16, 2014

      Hi Sue,

      how wonderful you are clear and empowered.

      I loved reading you post!

      It is SUCH a relief to be free of the drama, the hamster wheel, and the 5 year old conversations that we should never be having!!

      It was crazy – I love that you love life now without that ridiculousness.

      Yay to real life!!

      Bless 🙂

      Mel xo

    July 8, 2017

    I am starting to see narcissistic traits in myself and it’s really hard. Was this article meant to also be a recovery tool for those with narcissistic traits?

    August 5, 2017

    Melanie, love your stuff. However, best thing you can do to elevate your awareness of narcissism is to divorce yourself from theories and teachings of Sam Vaknin.

    August 6, 2017

    What you attribute to narcissists, applies to the flip side of the coin – codependents trying to get love by “giving” or “pleasing”??

    November 13, 2017


    It has been one year and 4 months and I cannot move on. The problem is he broke up with NC. Four years ago, I moved 20 hours away and was engaged. I truly loved him and still do, but I feel so used by him only to his advantages.

    I read your blogs. Sometimes they are hard to understand because I never knew I was dealing with a narcissist. I would love to write my narc a letter, in a nice way, to get him to try and understand what narcissist are, what could have happened in his childhood, and why he is acting out with a big ego, yet really so insecure. I want him to let this sink in; to open his eyes. He was not a bad person. Just selfish and could not show affection or emotion. Of course everything was my fault. He refused to listen to his faults; that would turn to rage and anger; therefore it was always a one way conversation.

    I know this stems from his childhood, but how do I put everything into words to where he will understand, get him to start thinking he does have a problem?

    I have now moved back where I lived before – 20 hours away and have nothing. Trying to start life over from total scratch. He will not even respond to me getting my furniture and belongings back.

    Thank you

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 13, 2017

      Hi Ann,

      please know this that we can’t force someone to get better and be healthy enough to love us. ASs children we couldn’t do this with adults who don’t have the resources, and as adults, we still can’t.

      As adults, if people in our life don’t love us healthily – it is our job to grow up our wounded parts who are still trying to get people to love us and take on that job of developing a solid inner love and approval for ourselves.

      That’s the work Anna, regardless of whether that disappointing person in our life is a narcissist or not – all of my work is fundamentally about us turning inwards to heal ourselves so that disappointing painful and abusive relationships with people who are narcissistic or not available, will never again be something that we hand power and energy in to.

      Have you started doing that inner work Anna? That is how you will move on.

      This link is the way to get started:

      Mel xo

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