There is a much deeper truth to grey rock to really be able to detach and no longer be triggered by a narcissist.
Traditional grey rock may not be as effective to stop an abuser abusing you as you think.
Narcissists know how to get to you, so it can be very hard to just act flat line when they hit your weak spot or go for what is going to incite you into feeling devastated, heartbroken, dismayed, or even betrayed.
Watch my latest Thriver TV episode and let me show you how to stop granting any emotional energy to an abuser because that’s what grey rock is all about.
Video Transcript
In today’s episode, I’m so looking forward to sharing with you what traditional grey rock is and why it may not be as effective as you think to stop an abuser abusing you.
Also, why there is a much deeper truth to grey rock to really be able to detach and no longer be triggered by a narcissist, and how to be able to not react, be empowered and defuse the power the narcissist has been using against you so that you can parallel parent successfully, if you have children, or be able to handle any narcissist that you can’t go No Contact with
Before we get started, remember to hit the subscribe button if you haven’t already, and like the video if it speaks to you.
All right, let’s begin.
What is Traditional Grey Rock?
Let’s have a look at what traditional grey rock is and why it may not be as effective to stop an abuser abusing you as you think.
So traditional grey rock is about granting no energy. It’s about monosyllables when you answer, and it’s about not having any emotional content in your replies. It’s about being flat line, really boring even, in the way that you answer, with very little inflection and just you granting no emotional energy. That’s what grey rock is all about.
The truth about grey rock is, you may be way too triggered to even be able to pretend to be grey rocking because we know narcissists hit your weak spot, they go for what is going to incite you into feeling devastated, heartbroken, dismayed, or even betrayed.
They know how to get to you, so it can be very hard to just act flat line. Even if you do act grey rock, if you are really trying as hard as you can to be flat lined and it even seems it’s coming across like that, you may be shocked to find out that even though you’re pulling back and detaching and you’re offering no energy at all, that the abuse is continuing and it still keeps coming at you.
The Deeper Truth About Grey Rock
Why is there a much deeper truth to grey rock and what is it to really be able to detach and no longer be triggered by a narcissist? The deeper truth to grey rock is narcissistic abuse is an energetic phenomenon.
Even if you’re doing grey rock on the surface, there is still a psychic vandalization phenomenon going on. This is about the narcissist sucking energy from you at a psychic level.
What it means is that if you have any wounds and traumas, which we do, that the narcissist is targeting and inciting within you, that you are going to get triggered. You’re going to feel this pain and this fear inside of you, this emotional distress, this emotional dis-ease that the narcissist is using, that energetic hit, your fear and pain to power up and feed off.
What happens in traditional grey rock is that in many cases people just think that detaching and offering no emotional energy is going to make a narcissist desist and is going to help them heal and move on with their life. In many, many cases people who are just working with grey rock and modified contact still don’t heal and the attacks can continue.
Let’s just get very clear here that if you can go No Contact that’s great, but in many cases, because of a connection with somebody that you’re co-parenting, parallel parenting with, or it’s a family member that you’re going to be seeing at functions or you work with this person, maybe you can’t go No Contact so you do have to do modified contact at least for a time or maybe forever or indefinitely.
If you’re not healing, you are still feeding the narcissist the emotional connection which is holding up the connection for them to keep hitting you, to get narcissistic supply, which doesn’t need to be on a logical cognitive level, it can be on an energetic level that they’re still sucking your energy.
The true and only way to get an abuser to stop hurting you is to heal what is inside of you that’s getting triggered and that requires healing.
This message that I’m granting you all the time – so within, so without – is about that trigger that’s getting hit which is the devastation or the despair or the insecurity or the unfairness, the injustice, the betrayals …
When you’re no longer feeling those, and people think that that may not be possible (because how can you not feel those?), you’ll be amazed that when you heal on the inside you literally will not feel them because this person no longer has any power over you.
How To Not React
Let’s talk about, and we’ve touched on it now, how to be able to not react – how to be empowered and diffuse the power the narcissist has been using against you so that you can parallel parent successfully, if you have children, or to be able to handle any narcissist that you can’t go No Contact with.
Of course, this is going to be somebody that you work with or an associate or somebody that you have to be at family functions with.
Also too, if you’re having to deal with the narcissist in a custody case or a court case, if you can go genuine grey rock from the inside out, without triggers, this puts you in the most powerful position to be able to get a judgment in your favour. I promise you, it is totally possible.
What do we do? How do we do it? We make grey rock genuine, which means to detach and turn inwards. Rather than focusing on what you’re doing to me, the focus is why am I feeling a trigger in relation to what this person is doing?
NARP is so effective for that, being able to turn inwards, claim, load up, release, reprogram those triggers – they literally dissolve away. It can happen very, very quickly if you’re dedicated to doing the Module work on it.
Detachment
Then what happens is you’re going to emerge totally detached without triggers. This means you’re no longer pretending to grey rock any more, you just ARE grey rock. You understand logically and cognitively that you need to be monosyllable, offer no energy, less is best and don’t get into any emotional conversations whatsoever.
If there’s rubbish, you just ignore it. Then you’re going to be able to show up saying things like, “This is what I am prepared to do, and this is what I’m not prepared to do.” Because any of the conversations that you’re having with a narcissist – it’s great if it can be done through a third party – can be done through just text, and it’s only about things of a practical nature, nothing else, because this person is not privy to your life anymore on an emotional level whatsoever, it’s just about practical things and that’s it.
When you’re in detachment and you’re working at healing all of your triggers, then you can just retain the right to refuse to respond to anything emotional, personal or accusatory.
I really love this example of a friend in my life. She had a very narcissistic father who, quite frankly, was quite a train wreck. He was siphoning out money and energy from all of the family members and being highly abusive. Because of his health and other things, she retained him in her life with modified contact but she did all of the work on those triggers.
She was so grey rock with him that it would only be conversations of a practical nature. When he stepped over the line she would hang up the phone or walk away. She would say, “I am not prepared to have that conversation,” and leave.
Of course, we can have all sorts of traumas of guilt come up. You may have triggers of now that I’ve said no to this person how are they going to retaliate? What are they going to do in my life? How are they going to rip me apart?
You have to release and heal all of those terrors as well because then it will hold. The narcissist always loses power against you when you have no inner matching wounds and you will see that it really is a little person behind the curtain, not the big terrifying entity that you thought this person was.
Conclusion
I really hope that this has helped you understand the difference between traditional grey rock and being a true Thriver through detachment of your energy field and emotional self from a narcissist, from the inside out.
I want you to get it very clear, grey rock is so hard to achieve just by deciding to do it and thinking that you’re just going to do it. This is why so many people can’t make grey rock work properly for them.
I’d love to help you discover how to really, really switch this ability on, and I can help you do that by you signing up for my free 16-day course. You can connect to that resource, which has so many other resources with it too, by clicking the link at the top right of this video.
That is where you’re going to learn how to take your power back and truly heal for real.
I hope that this video today has really helped clarify true grey rock for you.
I am so looking forward to answering your comments and your questions below.
Thank-you for deepening my awareness of, and amplifying this subject! I have been digging into my NARP module work for weeks on just this very same thing. Now my trauma on this subject has gone from deep pangs of fear, to the tiniest ping of discomfort imaginable- it is so close to being gone! I am now able to function amazingly well when having to have modified contact. I am continuing my work on this, inspired by the way I feel (or not feel for the N, in this case)!!!
Thank-you as always, Melanie!! You are our world’s treasure!!
xoxoxo Gen
Hi Gen,
You are very welcome.
That’s fantastic you have evolved this so much with NARP!
You are such a treasure too for doing this essential inner work.
So inspirational!
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Sooo true! Thank you very much Melanie for this video. It grounded me further.🙂🙏
I can’t go no contact with FOO so I am going modified contact, and I do feel that NARP is helping me be true grey rock, that is, solid, grounded like a rock and not emotionally triggered. Intuitively I had gone modified contact with no emotional communication and aiming at keeping it to practical things, exactly as you say, but the narcissists won’t let me do it easily and also I would doubt myself sometimes, though hearing my gut telling me ‘You’re not going there, it’s too dangerous.’, and the guilt of not having been/being a caring person showing up …
NARP is wonderful in a sense that it helps me work wonders for me. 🙏 Not only does it help me keep my sanity whenever and protect my energy like a shield while having contact, which is already formidable, but recently it has also helped me get modified contact into shape further. I was able to express a clear boundary after having been gaslighted, with the feeling of ‘Lose it all to get it all’. ‘This ‘get it all’ meant for me I won’t abandon myself, I will be-come whole, whether my FOO is part of it or not, and even if they are part of it, my energy field will be detached from theirs. And I feel inside that this boundary was a positive step for my FOO too, without feeling responsible for their healing, just feeling the positive charge, what they do with it is up to them. Keeping on with the modules, keeping smiling and thriving, “because there is nothing else to do”.🙂🙏
Hi LVM,
You’re very welcome and I am so pleased it helped.
That’s fantastic that NARP is cleaning out those internal triggers!
You are doing an amazing job, keep up the great work!
Love and blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
What is FOO? I cannot understand it. Not all people are aware of all acronyms. Thank you.
Hi Lara,
FOO means Family of Origin
Mel 🙏💕💚
ppl that are fake and not being real use this same technique to stay above you in business
Hi Melanie,
I was wondering how things were with you since it felt like a long time without an email. I’m so sorry to hear about Tiggy. She was part of this family all over the world since she usually joined you on camera.
You’re so kind to keep thinking of us and continuing to put out supportive content.
Again, I couldn’t agree with you more that it is about BEING Grey Rock inside and not just acting like it. Any acting that invalidates out true feelings is like self abuse.
I’m all for honesty. Fake Grey Rocking feels powerless. Though, I have to say it is a good fallback position until we heal for real. When things are confusing, is good to remember to GET OUT of the conversation with as little engagement and entanglement as possible.
But the real power and the real PURE JOY and delight is HAVING NO TRIGGERS in the first place.
This is where we thank those stupid Narcs for pointing out our hidden insecurities.
Ha ha ha. ROFL. We soooooo WON.
All love all the time.
Bless you and thank you!
Hi Iris,
thank you for your lovely words about Tiggy.
It has been a little tough sweetheart, I’m getting there!
It’s so true there is such a difference between trying to fake Grey Rock and actually being it.
Yes hun, all love all the time. It’s the only way.
So much love to you Iris
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Melanie.
Thanks for your videos, I have learned so much from you. I coparent with a malignant narcissist and because of my lack of support system, I depend a lot on him because we have a kid with special needs. I’m way advanced in strategies to use with him, but I can’t help feeling angry when for example my daughter calls him on video and asks about his girlfriend, the way that he acts in front of her is sooo fake…it really gets me. I hate to see him “living a great life”. He has everything, even a dog…the perfect family, and I’m here dealing with all the broken pieces… it hurts sometimes.
Hi the only broken piece you are dealing with is him, keep going you are doing a great job, always remember you are loved, great community on here, Melanie is a gift from God, so sorry Melanie for your loss – Phoebe x
Hi Phoebe,
thank you for your words.
They meant a lot to me
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Yashiris,
It’s my pleasure.
I’d love you to know Dear Lady that it truly is possible to let go of these horrible feelings, which is so understandable.
I invite you to come into one of my free workshops http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar Where I can take you through a Quanta Freedom Healing and show you how it is possible to go free.
I hope this helps and much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Melanie,
I am very sorry about Tiggy. I didn’t understand the meaning of ‘crossing the rainbow bridge’ at first, now I understand and I feel very sad for you. He was a beautiful being, with such a lovely fur, a long tail and I loved his pretty ears. We will continue to see him as we watch again your videos.
My heart goes to you 💓💓💓💓💓
Hi LVM,
Thank you for your condolences.
I love that he will live on forever throughout my videos.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thank you for added tools and your warm and thoughtful concern for other people.
Hi Kate,
it’s my pleasure and much love to you.
Mel 🙏💕💚
Melanie I am sitting here sobbing after reading about your last beautiful car ride with Tiggy, I am so very sorry….I know what it’s like to lose a a pet who is so very special and so much a part of your life, it just breaks your heart.
Sending you a big warm hug from Ireland, Love Mary ❤️
Hi Mary,
thank you for your beautiful message, hug and your love.
Much love and a big hug back to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
I do believe that you, Melanie are the first coach, who helped me discover what I was dealing with, back in the Fall of 2017. It has been a long bumpy, nightmarish ride, but I’m doing it!! On the 8th of May of 2020, I told the narcissist goodbye & I mean it. Once I get my life together, in the right direction, I’m divorcing him & moving & changing back to my maiden name. What I have found out, he has done, just sickens me. He’s aging badly & has no expression what so ever. Going through financial abuse right now, but I will get through it. He is honoring no emails, but I’m darn sure he is causing trouble somewhere. Been packing his things for months & given them to our eldest daughter. Not about to be vindictive, because it serves no purpose. I have, at least, 4 more narcs, in my life & the one must be losing brain cells, she is going to be reported soon.
Melanie, I’m so sorry about your kitty. Just remember, in your heart of hearts, your kitty will always be with you, loving you as always!!
Thank you Melanie, Tiggy and MTE team. I used the grey rock method during the last weeks before leaving. It was part of my exit plan. It was truly one of the hardest things I have ever done. I cannot imagine using the grey rock method indefinitely. It worked great, temporarily, until I could leave and start NARP in earnest. I was fortunate in that I could go no contact and did not have to co-parent.
Today, I feel like I have completely healed from the most incredibly toxic and psychologically abusive entanglement I had with a Covert Narcissist that spanned over 3 decades. Honestly I have no idea what life has in store for me from this moment. But to feel emotionally free this is the most liberating and exciting experience thus far. 3 and a half years ago I dreamed of what ’empowered’ would feel like. And now it’s here ..truly amazing. I encourage anyone and everyone to heal with the Narp Module. It’s totally worth it. Luvings N Sniffies xx
Hi Rachael,
I’m so pleased that NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp is helping you so much.
Sending you continued healing and blessings
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Melanie- I’m so sorry to hear about Tiggy. When I had to put my beagle down a few years ago, the vet gave me a booklet about grieving a beloved pet. One quote that has stuck with me is credited to Winnie the Pooh and it’s something like “how wonderful it is to love someone so much that makes saying goodbye so hard.” The depth of my missing my pet only showed how deep my love was. And I do believe he is still with me, as Tiggy is still with you- in heart, mind and spirit. Pets are really angels. Sending you 🤗 hugs.
About grey rock- everything you said resonated. I went grey rock with my ex husband intuitively at the end. I think I was just numb from the shock. It was a coping strategy that got me through the end, but grey rock alone didn’t heal me. Using your teachings and the NARP modules I am happy to report that in the past three weeks I have been contacted by 3 Narcs and to my surprise I had ZERO emotional triggers! ( okay maybe one little blip for a second with my most recent ex, but it quickly passed) for the first time in my life I feel okay with me and I don’t want or need their attention. The best part was, I was civil. I felt no need to be defensive or mean. I just said “I’m healthy, safe, and happy. Best of luck to you.” Best of all, my statement was true! None of my other therapists have ever helped me the way NARP has. Therapists listen and make suggestions to change your thoughts and behaviour from the outside. NARP taught me to listen to myself on the inside where it hurt and empowered me to heal for real from within! I can’t thank you enough Melanie for you and your program. You are one of my angels too!!
hi Melissa,
thank you for your love and support regarding Tiggy.
Awww that quote is so beautiful!
I love Melissa that you have graduated to feeling completely benign on the inside when you were contacted. What a beautiful soul graduation you have reached with NARP. Congratulations!
Thank you, sister Angel, for your beautiful words and so much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thank you so much Melanie, you are such an inspiration and your healing help has come at just the right time for me. A couple days before I came across your page, I’d set my first proper boundary with my partner after he had yet again gaslighted(gaslit?) me – I said that the points I’d raised were valid and I needed a week’s break away from him while he was communicating as he was. It felt intuitively like the right thing to do and as soon as the phone call ended, I felt so calm and wanted to skip home. That then followed with a few days of sadness and guilt but I know that this is the healing path I need to go along to find my voice and my freedom and break the pattern I always find myself in with the same kind of man. I really can’t wait to get stuck into the NARP programme, thank you for living this and then using that experience to help others <3
I hope you're bearing up following the loss of your Tiggy, I don't doubt that he's still with you!
Much love,
Sarah
Hi Sarah
you are very welcome!
You are doing great!
Hun, keep it up and urn inwards and do the healing with NARP to keep you on track with your boundaries, values and truth. NARP is a super-tool to help you with this.
Thank you for your beautiful words regarding Tiggy, and he absolutely is here with me.
So much Love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Melanie ~ I see your point that Grey Rocking can become a form of Cognitive Dissonance and a subconsciously self inflicted loss of Self Agency. Suttle, self preservation, Denials are not Truthfully and Factually bliss… And faking it, until you make it, could psychically and physically create, Insidiously hidden forms of CPTSD…. Tiggy Tiggy Tiggy… Another Angel now watching over you Melanie ~ In care ~ Steph
Hi Steph,
I get what you are saying, and it’s true. Yet, my real point is that if we leave the trauma inside of ourselves and never actually release that, reprogram and heal beyond that, then we still felt traumatised and we still engage in events in our life that keep the trauma going.
Really, to me, healing is not that complicated. It’s either very difficult to heal whilst trying to survive the trauma that is still raging on inside of us, or we release it and heal for real on the inside.
Thank you for sharing your very thoughtful post
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Mel ~ Yep, you are fully and deeply correct. Basically, there is no way around the Trumpeting Elephant’s in the room, so to speak.
The Abusive Narcissist Predator is in the room and so am I / so are we all…simultaneously… Whether in that room shoulder to shoulder, or in a space which is hundreds of miles away from the Proxy Predators grasp and or, whether we are Grey Rocking or not, the Toxic Trauma is Maliciously Mobile and never sleeps… The saying, ” No matter where you go, there you are.” Unresolved trauma, needs to be resolved !! I surmise that if anyone is still harboring trauma, the Infectious Toxic and Poisonous Powers and Principalities are still physically and spiritually circulating in our bloodstream and through our electrical neural pathways, like microscopic, radioactive magnets. Trauma’s Trumpet Gleefully 24/7 and wreak cellular and spiritual havoc upon any target, until such time, as you so perfectly express and state,” we release it and heal for real on the inside.” Thank you for your truths Melanie and thank you for being here for all of us. Steph
Hi Steph,
You are very welcome and you have expressed this perfectly.
Powerfully and succinctly
Thank you so much for your incredible share.
Mel 🙏💕💚
I am 74 in a long term marriage, it’s only in recent years I have learned about narcissists and control freaks. For the last 4 months I have been doing grey rock but snapped in the end. Now I see the Thriver grey rock which makes sense and I am going to try. My husband is a silent abuser and lives in another room. So I am very lonely but trying to make the best of each day. Just wondered if you had any thoughts on this ? Thank you.
Hi Susan,
that is so brave and commendable to honour you and take a stand! That is inspirational!
NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp helps so much with TRUE Gray Rock, and also can be used to shift out any of the trauma that you feel – including loneliness.
NARP brings fullness, power and grace .. as well as possibility.
Meaning the ability to generate what you do want – true, healthy connection.
When you start filling with Source – all things are possible.
I hope that this can help inspire you.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Omg are we married to the same man? I’m 35 yrs in a horrible abusive marriage with a man who stonewalls & gives me the silent treatment daily. We have separate rooms, we’ve had separate bedrooms for 30 yrs. we have no sexual relationship for 20 or so yrs, his choice. I’m 60 he’s 70. No kids together. It’s the most lonely existence for me. No family around & I’m disabled so can’t work & can’t leave. It’s mind numbing especially with covid. He won’t talk or converse, gives zero support & constantly gives me dirty looks. He many times has said he wished I would die. It’s truly a horror show. I eat alone, watch tv alone, sleep alone, literally live alone but with a hateful presence of a man in the next room which I cannot ignore. He radiates evil. Long story of abuse. I want out but I’m stuck. I’m gonna try to get out when I get social security. Sorry so long but the pain is awful & I’m glad there’s support here & so many women know what I’m going through.
Hi DIanne,
Sorry to hear that you are living with a nightmare of a spouse. Truth is…. it is never too late to leave. No one deserves such treatment and the sooner you realise the reality that this person who is supposed to a loving caring person is a monster from hell, the better it is for you. Years pass we become used to their crazy behaviour almost numb!! And then one day you wake up to the fact that it is not normal. You’re not alone even though you may feel it, glad you’ve found this network to be able set yourself free. Work towards your independence and reach out to whatever and whoever you can get help from, you will be amazed with the support available. I have been there I know what it is like and now I have 3 children who were also getting the blunt end of the abuse, so I have chosen to go no contact. Its damaging and I still need to heal. But with the help from Melanie it truly is possible.