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Stonewalling is a nasty and powerful defence mechanism narcissists use to painfully trigger you.

Let me show you how to get completely impervious to their stonewalling tactics so you can create your healthy life where people will validate you, meet you kindly and treat you with the respect that you deserve.

This way you won’t be provoked into reacting in an emotional way.

In today’s Thriver TV episode I will explain how you can stop the narcissist in your life from switching the blame onto you and how to blindside the narcissist so you can take your power back.

 

 

Video Transcript

In today’s episode, we’re going to be covering why narcissist use stonewalling as a nasty and powerful defence mechanism, exactly how stonewalling affects you and why it is such a painful trigger.

As well as how to get completely impervious to the stonewalling tactic and create your healthy life where people will validate you, meet you kindly and treat you with the respect that you deserve.

So just before we get started, remember to hit the subscribe button if you haven’t already and like the video if you find it helpful.

All right, let’s get started.

 

Why Narcissists Use Stonewalling As a Nasty and Powerful Defence Mechanism

So let’s talk about why narcissists use stonewalling as a nasty and powerful defence mechanism.

Really, what this is about is to get control of a conversation. Because you see the thing is that you are confronting a narcissist, you are looking for accountability and you are wanting them to actually be responsible about something.

This is when it is going to trigger the narcissist into stonewalling you if that is the type of narcissist you are dealing with.

Usually it is more the covert type of narcissist, the overt – the hot one – may rage at you instead. So with stonewalling narcissists, by refusing to participate in the conversation, which means that they may leave or they may just give you the silent treatment or they may literally abandon you – that invalidates you.

Really, a stonewalling statement is, “You don’t matter. I don’t care about you.” What it is also likely to do is to provoke you. By you reacting in an emotional way, this hands the narcissist the bullets to shoot you with because now this is your fault because of your reaction. This is how they can switch the blame.

So now we are not even on the topic of what they initially did to you, that you are asking for some accountability and responsibility or even an explanation about. Now, because of your reaction, you are to blame.

And no matter what you say, you may say, “You are not listening to me. Why won’t you answer me.” Then it will be something like, “Oh, here we go again (with the eye roll)”, or they will just go, “I do not have to be treated like this” and walk out the door.

So it is going to escalate your emotional trigger.

 

Exactly How Stonewalling Affects You and Why it is Such a Painful Trigger

Let us have a look at the next point, which is exactly how stonewalling affects you and why. In other words, why is it such a painful trigger.

Because the stonewalling is going to be in your experience if you have felt in the past that you are not worthy of somebody else’s attention or validation.

And what this is going to bring up for you are feelings of anger, “I am invalidated. I am not worthy of you recognizing how I am feeling or what you have done to me” and these are feelings of victimization, absolutely.

If you have been in a family where you felt like you were not seen, that you are invisible, this is exactly the type of tactic that the narcissist will use against you. Because in the early days when they hooked you they identified that you felt unseen and unmet and pretended to actually be in your life in spades, available to you.

So when you get angry and this panic comes up for you, that is when the narcissist is going to pull away from you even more. Now, here is the danger because the more that you are feeling the trauma, the more that this person is going to traumatize you so you can hand over your power and your rights. You could end up saying, “I am sorry, I should not have acted like this” to try to get the narcissist to reconnect with you.

It is really about all these feelings of abandonment and not feeling good enough, feeling invisible, and feeling like this person does not love you. That is what all of this pain is really about.

 

How to Get Completely Impervious to the Stonewalling Tactic

So let us have a look at how to get completely impervious to the stonewalling tactic and create your healthy life where people will validate you, meet you kindly and treat you with respect.

How do we do that?

Well, first of all, you have to be able to stop the trigger going off. You have to be able to turn inward and heal. One of the advantages of a stonewalling narcissist that will use the silent treatment or leave the experience, is that you are going to get time and space to be able to do No or Modified Contact.

You need to get very, very clear and I talked about it recently in Healthy Love vs Narcissistic Love,  that when somebody will not be present with you and care about your feelings when you have concerns about the relationship, this person is not somebody that you can have a healthy relationship with. So that is exactly what a stonewaller is.

When somebody has that lack of character to create union and mutuality and partnership and kindness, then the only thing that you can do is take your power back, heal, and do Modified or No Contact. It’s imperative. That is exactly what you have to do.

So you are going to be able to turn inwards. You have to turn inwards and heal your triggers, which is always the unfinished, unhealed business from your past. These are the feelings of, “I’m invisible. I don’t matter. The people I love don’t love me back. They aren’t present. They don’t show up. They don’t care about me.”

Because when we go Quantum, we have realized that trying to change somebody else who was triggering your painful programs into the activation of your panic or trying to force that person to do something, all of that is the Wrong Town. It’s handing your power away.

This person is not going to heal your feelings for you. They are going to bring you more of the evidence of your unhealed feelings.

This is about the taking back of your sanity, your life, and your soul. Which is about going inwards to say to yourself, “What is this really about?” And getting on a path of healing up those young unhealed parts so that you can be an empowered adult in your body, self-partnered, loving and holding and self-soothing YOU. Being able to look out to the outer and say, “This is not good enough for me. This is not okay.” Because then you will be able to set the ultimate empowered boundary which is, “I will only do relationships with people who are a present and committed and kind and care.”

If you were actually even to express to that person and not get caught up in the word salad, the twisting and turning facts, having to lecture and prescribed and get them to get your boundary. A true boundary is never about trying to get somebody to get your boundary. It is about you getting it.

If you are with a stonewaller you already are in a situation where this person does not have the character or the capacity or the desire to meet you in a healthy relationship. I know it is very painful, but you need to get very clear about that. When you turn inwards and heal, you will not have any attraction to this person.

You want to go after them for the love and care and partnership that you have actually been able to establish and activate within yourself. Then this person is no longer your reality.

I hope that this has really helped and you are now much clearer about the tactic of stonewalling that a narcissist uses and how this has not only been allowing him or her to dodge accountability and stepping up to be a healthier person in relationship with you, but how it has pulled you in to hand more of your soul, rights, values and limits to this person.

I also hope that you now know how you can use a situation of stonewalling – that space, those gaps – to your best advantage. Because that will blindside the narcissist and it will allow you to take your power back.

If you want help with doing this in ways that will allow you to be fearless and strong and to become a force who does generate healthy relationships – which means that you will never tolerate or have to live through these games again – then I would love you to check out my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program, which is known as NARP, which helps you heal and rise from the inside out.

I look forward to exchanging with you on this topic in the comments below.

 

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Commments (69) + Leave a comments

69 thoughts on “Why Narcissists Stonewall You

    1. This article just let me step up into my own power. Came to me exactly at the right time. As always when I am doing a module and the next steps appear for my healing. Love and bless you Mel!🙏😀❤️

    2. Hi Melanie. Thanks for this article, it is very helpful and clear.❤️

      I have a BURNING question! I have wanted to ask this for a long time!

      This time last year, the person I was close friends with (who has a covert narcissism problem), began stonewalling me. She had so many Covert NPD traits which I didn’t really realise at the time, not having heard of covert narcissism. I think one day it all just clicked to be honest and all the dots connected and I realised I was dealing with someone with a CN problem.

      It was when I tried talking to her about how I perceived that she was discarding me, using me, dismissing me and whatnot (her narc behaviour). After her stonewalling me the 1st time, I then tried talking to her again about the same issues, and she went and told her mum and partner that I was ‘arguing‘ and being ‘nasty‘ and a ‘bitch’ with her. That I made her cry. Which I did, only because I am aware of how covert narcissists do not like facing the truth of what kind of twisted people they are. All her family members and in particular her partner (who had never even known me) told her to stop talking to me. That is a ‘smear campaign’, am I right?

      Clearly, she listened to them to some extent; she wasn’t messaging me that much anymore nor no longer wanting my company in person/asking to hang out with me and spend time with me anymore😔. She still messaged me but because I know what she was like, she probably kept my notifications on ‘do not disturb’ so that her partner and mum will not see that she is still in contact with me.i eventually gave up and blocked her on everything and cut up all the jewellery and cute letters and stuff she bought me, I was in so much anger that she can just discard everything we had like that because her partner and family members told her to stop talking to me based on twisted stories she told them.

      Fast-forward some months down the line in August 2019 I finally got back in contact with her after 2 months of No Contact, and we were friends again.

      Everything was cool until I asked her, ‘did Rosie (her ex-partner’s name) tell you to stop talking to me, is that why you stopped contacting me?!’ And she said ‘Yes because I was upset we were arguing, but please can we have a fresh start, I don’t want to argue’. We haven’t been in contact since then because I cut her off after telling her how unfair it was that she’d discarded our friendship due to the opinions of people who barely knew me..with her completely one-sided, ‘innocent victim’ twisted stories.

      My problem Melanie is, I can’t seem to get over how she never took responsibility for that nor did she apologise for her smear campaign and to this day, I feel she has gotten away with it. I feel like she successfully painted me out to be the bad person. Her smear campaign I think has been very powerful and worked in her favour. She probably laughs over how successful it actually was. I never really got my justice nor apology for it. She isn’t aware that o know of her narc game. She assumes nobody knows. I know these people are incapable of such sincere apologies when they are problematic to their inner core, but how do I accept that she will never be confronted about her smear campaign and stonewalling without being able to hide and put an ‘innocent victim’ act on?

      Thank you so much for your time Melanie, I am looking forward to your response soon. ❤️❤️

      1. Do module 4….are you doing the Narp program……otherwise you’ll go around in circles, you do the inner healing if your traumas and you’ll be able to move on. Read Melanie’s blogs …..it’s all there about peptide addiction and the need to Get an apology…it ain’t gonna happen,heal and find healthy friends.

  1. LOVING this statement “One of the advantages of a stonewalling narcissist that will use the silent treatment or leave the experience, is that you are going to get time and space to be able to do No or Modified Contact.”
    This is so true! I have never been more happy to be stonewalled than since I joined NARP – now it is my time to dig in and heal!!
    Thank-you Melanie!!!!!

  2. my daughter is in this narc. relationship adn now marriage with a almost 3 year old child. due to the virus, the safest way for her , the little boy and me the grandma baby sitter was to come to my house. The husband insisted he would not get sick, goes to work daily which s ok but insists on going golfing going to the bar now that it is open adn goign on golf trip.
    He has not contacted them to talk, ask how they are to face time with littel boy for 2 months.
    I see now that this her time to heal and get away from him. And my time to get away from him.

    The only texting is to tell him she needs things the little boy needs to eat. He goes to store bu never lets her know he has gone.

    It is beyond me how this man can not want to know about his son…

  3. Holy Cow !!!!!!! Thank you thank you thank you for doing this video. Wow, I had it happen exactly the way you described it. It was over him not giving me an explanation as to why he didn’t do what I asked him to do. He told me he didn’t like my attitude lol. I told him to stop blame shifting. That he should submit to me and also ask for forgiveness for treating me like I didn’t deserve an answer. He of course when to bed like the 10 year would do at 8 pm lol.. Comedy Central around here. But I sat down at my desk and there was your email with this video. PERFECT TIMING. I didn’t know to call it “stonewalling”. I really needed this and now I am not going to go through the normal routine of not sleeping and being upset because what I was asking him to do what give me financial information so I could start doing more things like buy stuff I needed to get a car and a job. Boy you should have seen the look on his face. He thinks I am still “dysfunctional” but thanks to these videos I am getting better. At least enough to have some sanity again. I LOVE the silent treatment, but I am the one doing it. I limit conversation in every way. Some things I cannot though and it’s always an issue when I don’t. Just like what happened again tonight. I know I am never gonna be able to get out of here. It’s very depressing. No one believes me and no one will help me. I have no where to go and no way to get there even if I did. I have no car. I have given up thinking I will ever be healthy because as long as I am here I won’t be.

      1. Not possible to save if I don’t do the shopping, he does. I do not make any purchases except for online. How to obtain income when I have no clothes or shoes to wear to work or a car to get there, I live in the country. I try for at home work but so far, no opportunity. A bike? I am 60 and have all kinds of back problems and how can I use a bike in winter? or the rain? People just don’t get it.

    1. Hi Karen, even though it may seem impossible to leave at this time, i guarantee you that when you make a Quality decision to leave and that’s one where you don’t go back, that all of a Sudden everything will somehow just fall into place, doors will open and opportunities arise and in 6 Months you will be looking back like it was all just a bad dream, go for it, you deserve better than this, Blessings Col

    2. Omg your situation sounds much like mine . I’ve been in this shot for 37 years … the whole world revolves around him . Nothing matters but him ..

      1. It is 40 years for me. And now I’m so disabled and isolated from family and friends that I have no support. I could never live on my own now. Too old, too disabled, and the kids will never believe their dad did this to me for so long because he trained me to put on the happy face no matter how he was treating me. The times when I’d lose it are the times my grown children now remember about me. They never heard his low, menacing voice, goading me to snap. So, I’ll always be the bad parent while he comes out smelling like a rose. I wish I’d gotten out when I was young, but I didn’t know what I was dealing with. I feel for you, dealing with this for 37 years.

        1. Annie, I completely understand what you’re saying. It’s pointless to even try to paint them in a manner that they have never “seen” or “experienced”. And as you astutely pointed out, we helped to paint that “magnificent” portrait. I learned very quickly not to criticize or complain about my ex’s behaviour around my kids (or to anyone who drinks his Kool Aid) because ultimately they will rush to his defence and I will be “seen” as the unreasonable and mean one. In other words, ‘complaining’ to common acquaintances will only validate whatever he’s said about me on some twisted level or throw my kids into “protective parent” mode. His behaviour is textbook (as are all n’s – conquer and divide!) So it goes that we let go (acknowledge/accept/adjust) and heal the disappointment and raise our vibration (replace our tears and aching hearts with healing, soothing source light). Annie, have you considered reaching out to someone in your community, like a social worker, that could connect you to a group? There are all sorts of groups that get together once or twice a week to do things like chair yoga or crafts, etc. Many communities have “paratranspo” (busses that accommodate wheelchairs, etc. that you can book ahead). Having a social worker come in to your home to assess you/your situation and limitations could be a gateway ‘out’. Blessings to you. I’m surrounding you in the white light of the Holy Spirit and praying for you.

          1. Annie, one further point, a social worker might suggest that you go into an extended care residence, or if you’re open to that sort of thing, you could ask them to help you find one that is paid for by the state/province (not sure of your location). If you need assistance for everyday stuff and you’re deteriorating/at risk because you’re unable to navigate your floor plan/stairs/bath, etc., essentially do for yourself, as is your (aged) husband, they’ll be able to help you into a care facility outside of your current conditions. Not sure if that would be like jumping from the pan into the fire (some places can be horrible). But it could be a gateway out. Blessings.

        2. I totally relate to everything you are saying. The church thinks he is innocent and wonderful and I am the devil. Btw it was my church for 6 years until he walked through the doors. Now I am gone and he is there. I have no friends and my only daughter thinks I am crazy. I have completely changed from what I used to be. She doesn’t recognize all that I have done for her. But just like her dad, it’s never enough.

    3. Hi Karen,

      I am so pleased this has helped and was timely for you.

      Please know Dear Lady that there have been many people in this community who thought that there wasnt a way to heal and escape and restart … but there was … even after the most seemingly hopeless situations.

      I’d love you to come into my free webinar and connect to these possibilities http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Sending love and breakthroughs to you

      Mel 🙏💕💚

      1. Thank you Melanie for responding. It’s been about a week since the first post I made and the incidence. Not whining but now he is accusing me of stonewalling because I won’t address our relationship. His idea of addressing is saying the nothing has changed that I am still disrespectful to him in every way and I still don’t appreciate him and all he does for me. He applies stonewalling to me because I do modified contact. I refuse to engage in any conversation about our relationship or my emotions or any problems. Why? because there is no point. He said to look up the full meaning of stonewalling and so I did and I do qualify. I do refuse to allow him any conversation with me about certain topics. So I guess it works both ways and how will that help me if I am ever in a court situation with all of this. Fact is I am guilty of stonewalling in it’s truest sense. I don’t expect an answer. I know the answer. It’s all fear, obligation and guilt. What he doesn’t understand is that I don’t do any of this stuff to get what I want from him. I do it to get away from him. So therefore the true meaning of stonewalling cannot apply. I would never bother explaining that to him. It’s more peaceful when he thinks he is right and I am wrong. Doubt that would hold up in court. I have wanted out and have cut myself off from him but still nothing is turning up as a miracle that I can get out of here. Guess I still haven’t learn what I need to learn yet. Thank you for doing the work you do. You have been the only thing that has allowed me my sanity back and to keep dealing with this. I honestly don’t think I would still be on this earth if I hadn’t come across your work. Blessing to you.

        1. hi Karen,

          this is a tactic to drag you back in again… It’s a common thing. The narcissist will go for exactly what they know will trigger you and affect you.

          Of course you can’t engage, because you can’t make sanity out of insanity, or reason out of unreasonableness. And, truly there is nothing to explain. No explanation WILL explain ANYTHING to him.

          The reason that you are caught up in trying to still work this out and explain it and get him to understand it, or/and want to take on the responsibility of what you are doing yourself, is because of unhealed trauma within …

          Which dear lady is what all of us had to deal with and heal to get out of this mess with toxic people.

          Hun, I can’t recommend NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp enough for you regarding all of this. To heal on the inside and get clear, solid and empowered… and then seriously all this rubbish and games will have no effect on you, and the ‘way’ out will appear, and you will be able to deal in court. Absolutely…

          It is the best solution possible. It is the shift inside that sets up your freedom and emancipation.

          Much love to you

          Mel 🙏💕💚

  4. If someone is raging at you, of course, you’re going to exit stage left. That doesn’t necessarily place blame on anyone … it’s a protection mechanism. You absolutely would not stay to be injured by this person.

    1. I agree Lynn….people should not get confused about protecting themselves from overt narcs

  5. If u are in a relationship with an overt narc then who is raging and blaming and humiliating you then natural defence would be to be silent or exit the situation for your own protection… otherwise, this would make you feel u are a covert narc who is stonewalling… Melanie your feedback is needed on this please…. thank you

    1. Hi Natrisha,

      Any time at all that you pull away and refuse to engage with someone who is hurting you … that is an act of self love.

      Stonewalling is used is an act of punishment to another… there is a huge difference.

      Of course a narcissist will accuse you of being abusive and wrong when you wont engage …its what they do.

      Mel 🙏💕💚

  6. I am a year into this with my daughter. It’s like being back with her dad whom I left yes ago. It’s her stuff & now I see how much of a Narcissist she has Become but she is keeping my 3 yr old grandson from me & teaching him this way of being. So sad, but I won’t play the game.

    1. I have the same situation and joined NARP to help myself. I cannot continue her abuse. Even though I am not allowed to see my two precious granddaughters, going no contact is my only choice. It is extremely hard and painful. I want so badly to see my granddaughters and would like to have a good relationship with my daughter, the narcissist.

  7. Thank you so much for this. Am currently doing the program and it is helping me change my life. This hit home so much- I was in this exact situation and it used to drive me crazy, then I would apologize for my reaction!! I see now how I was clinging to try and make someone else provide for me what I wasn’t at the time- validation, love, security, etc. This brought up powerful feelings for me- which I immediately blessed and released! Now I feel I should do a healing…which one would you recommend? Btw, have been no contact for 10 months, no creeping or asking about him, even blocked anyone who still has contact with him to continue to heal 🙏🏻💕

    1. Well done you! No contact is the way to go. It makes you stronger and stronger. It also drives the narc mad, which is. lol situation really, but there you go.

  8. Thank you Melanie. This makes so much sense to me now. I was ignored as a child and had to parent my parents and younger siblings. I had a broken leg in 3 places at one stage and was dragging it around the house for 3 days before anyone even noticed, such was the neglect at my childhood home.
    I always felt invisible and that I had no adult to rely on.
    When my partner of 25 years feels threatened by the content of my conversation, when I tell him I feel gaslighted and stonewalled by him, he gets angry, frustrated and walks away or simply doesn’t respond.
    I was hoping he would turn into his own pain So that he could empathise with the pain of others, thereby being emotionally present. He has bipolar too and when he’s MANIC, he becomes God-like (in his own mind).
    He’s threatened to leave me if I get fat (in front of my anorexic daughter, when she was 12).
    Sorry for ranting….there are just too many similarities here and I’m having a hard time facing the truth or realisation after 25 years of believing he was the love of my life, my soul mate.
    Thank YOU for your work too. ❤

  9. This is the exact behavior my son uses on me, lately he has gone to the extend of telling me that other people in my life are finding my behavior strange and erratic. His latest accusation after I have closely supported him through the family court to get custody of his children in a very unfair situation, where I have used most of my savings to support him, he now says he is concerned that in the future I will denigrate him to his children. I have never or would never do that because I know he is a very good parent. I find this quite bizarre behaviour, so I have gone no contact.
    I was very unseen as a child and through my life into my 30’s and 40’s now that I stand up for myself they find it difficult to control me. I find this behaviour deeply hurtful.

    Thank you for your insight, I love your program and am gaining strength on a daily basis. .

  10. A true boundary is never about trying to get somebody to get your boundary. It is about you getting it.
    I was in a work relationship and personal relationship with 3 narcs at the same time. When setting a firm boundary that I understood, things fell into place for ME.
    I was happier. I felt more connected within. I felt more respect for myself. My self esteem improved.

  11. I never knew about this. I was in my relationship 25 years. He just walked away. My confidence has been on the floor. He stonewalls me at every opportunity. He is a covert narc but still I am hurt by his lack of response over anything such as our 3 kids, the house, the divorce. He uses no response to get to me as he is too important and when he does engage I get emotional it is so maddening. This adds to his belief I am too emotional to deal with and further validates his belief that he had such a terrible life with me and it was ok to leave us and go with someone else. My reaction of emotion validates his stonewalling. Oh Melanie this behaviour is so complex I am stroking his ego even further. I believe in no contact but it’s hard

    1. Stonewalling was always he way out!!!! I didn’t no that’s what it was called.
      No Contact has been the best way out for me. Since I don’t engage in conversation he doesn’t even contact our children via their devices. It was so hard for me in the beginning I didn’t think I would be able to do it but May 25th marked a year of no contact. It was a horrible married for 15 yrs. He did everything in a Marriage you shouldn’t do, affairs after affairs outside childrens, put us in a financial bind we lost out home. He now text’s my phone I don’t respond, he calls I don’t answer….. there were time when I would never do that and he new I wouldn’t… now it’s so easy…. I’m now enjoying life with family and friends and now in a healthy relationship with someone who shower me and my kids with respect, laughter and love.

  12. Oh yes I know the stonewaller well. The teachings from you Mel have strengthened me against his wiles. I like the concept impervious. It gives me power and restores my sense of self worth to practice it. He shakes me more. Instead I pity him for his broken damaged soul. Pathetic really. Thanks Melanie.

  13. This is the most enlightening article I have ever read about the dynamic of triggers in a destructive relationship and the cause of the triggers in childhood trauma. Almost like an epiphany it made me comprehend emotionally what is actually going on when things reach an absolute deadlock in my relationship and I can’t make head or tail of anything.
    I will cherish this article and read it over again. Thank you so much, Melanie.

  14. Thanks again Melanie, i was So Blessed to be thrown out by the Nark, and now divorced and had no contact for 18 months, it all so worked in my favour to Heal. Thank you So much for explaining what a healthy adult relationship really is, and it comes with some what as a Surprise because until i heard you say it, i didn’t even realize that such a thing could even be possible, probably not making much sense, but it’s like a light Bulb went off inside to think that it is possible to be in a relationship where i’m respected, and validated, and loved unconditionally is amazing, thanks again,Blessings Col.

  15. I knew this as the 3 day standoff. Always 3 days… until he was ready to talk. Any time I attempted to talk to him during this time he would provoke me or ignore me, and when I eventually reacted because he’d pushed me so far, it became my fault because I was ‘so emotionally out of control’, and he can’t ‘deal with my extreme emotional swings’. Classical.
    I am so incredibly blessed to be out of that.

  16. This is exactly what I am going through right now. With a best friend who I’m guessing wasn’t a friend at all. If this is too long I can try to tweak it. I’m chilled by stonewalling and too scared to tell anyone. Oddly, I do not talk bad about my (possibly fake) best friend to my other friends.

    When my (best) friends’ old place was being renovated into a business she had to move and I made the mistake of moving her to my home town. There was a house for rent where we could split the cost and literally have two different sides with a shared kitchen. That was over three years ago. I wanted to move out when the lease ended in 2018. She convinced me to stay until she had six weeks notice. So I obliged. I stayed. The house was huge but it was terrible … and cheap yet the price tag was plumbing issues, broken air conditioners, on and on. I hated it.

    My mistake was sympathy or empathy .. she has a “business” and my quotes are relevant. I believed in her work, it’s a creative business. Last year I observed she was charging people over $1000 to learn stuff she watched on YouTube and that was a moment when I knew she had fraudulent tendencies. I can’t elaborate except to say I felt bad for the people who paid money for something that did not work. And I know they won’t blame her because she is very convincing. Why I stayed after that realization is a mystery to me.., except I liked her work (it’s creative). And I had trauma in my family so I valued her friendship. Yet whatever I saw in her work may have never been real, in hindsight. I’m being stonewalled right now so I’m not in true hindsight yet.

    Past three years – She was always struggling and needed money so i was taking on the bills and etc. There was a huge porch – only nice thing about the place – and we’d play a board game and talk and i felt she was my best friend. I confided a lot to her. Maybe she did the same but I don’t know what is real.

    During the pandemic I had less money. She sews and made masks and sold them. She did this by claiming she gave away a thousand masks for free and buyers would help supply materials so she could continue sewing masks for essential workers etc. I know she didn’t give away 1000. Yet even though I knew this, I was so plugged into the fantasy that I repeated the lie.

    So two weeks ago we were friends still. 13 days ago she says
    **”I signed a lease across the street and I noticed when we moved in in 2016 I wrote a check that covers last month rent and security deposit so I need to ask you to pay me back so I can move. And I’m doing this to save you money.”** To this minute – what she said there makes no sense. Moving is expensive. Period. I also knew that she wrote the check but also knew that I deposited the money into her account. And I was instantly able to show her that exact bank statement.

    Stonewalling instantly began when I showed her that bank statement. I was horrified. Yes I reacted the next day but was able to recognize who she is. I’d tell her I felt invalidated and the silent treatment is abusive. We crossed paths and she became angry.

    I then realized she may have been relying on me for the money to go through the move. So just in case, I quickly got a place three miles away (she has no car and it’s not an easy public transportation area). I’ve been moving every day as fast as I can which is too slow. I also suspect she has someone else paying for her move… OR
    possibly another wild card to throw.

    Should I find someone else to move what’s left? I’m concerned the week it has taken so far is playing with fire. I’m not going to tell her when I’m finished. I’m unsure she’s a narcissist but the dots connect – she is acting like one. And I have been chilled to the bone by the idea that I’ve put thousands of dollars toward a fake. And worse, was emotionally invested in someone who was never real. My head is spinning, knees weak, and I am dumbfounded. I’m also vulnerable to believe her if she suddenly apologizes. If she’s a narcissist I was hooked into her fantasy and will be hooked again. My best guess is to depart without telling her I left and then giving up the phone? I don’t know how long vulnerability lasts. I don’t know if she’s a narcissist but there’s just no way a friend behaves this way.

    Hopefully I can get this finished … having to process everything while moving isn’t easy. This video was perfectly timed.

  17. You have helped me immensely. I started my self healing journey in March. I’m too busy in self development, clarity and peace. I hardly get time to dwindle with him. This gives me clarity and purpose to my life journey. I feel satisfied and content.
    Thank you so much.

  18. Spot on as usual Melanie 👍 My ex would pick a fight, accusing me of something and when I would disagree he’d say “this conversation is going nowhere” and storm off. It was so confusing at the time. Now I realize I was trying to reason with an unreasonable person who had zero interest in building a healthy relationship. It was all about him. I had to look inward to discover why his invalidation hurt so much. Finally I had to accept that he was incapable as well as unwilling to change. It would always be my fault in his eyes. I also had to recognize that I couldn’t get validation from another person which was harder to accept. It’s been eight months since I moved out and I am happy to be free and working on my own wounds. I didn’t believe in myself before and I was afraid to move out on my own but once I made the decision and started packing everything fell into place- so easily that it shocked me! Now I am the one who has zero interest in him! Thanks to Melanie and the NARP program I am on the way to heal for real! My heart goes out to anyone who is still in the middle of a relationship with a narcissist. Six months before I finally moved out I started planning my exit, making packing lists, seeing apartments. I had felt powerless and alone. I believe once I truly had enough, the right people and opportunities showed up in my life. Don’t give up on yourself! Give up on the narcissistic relationship!

  19. Hey, it appears to me at a first glance that Stone Wall is just reverse role mechanism to Grey Stone technique used by victim on a related narcissist. How is it different then? Can you explain, please? From the outside they appear the same. Maybe actually the narcissist is ignoring you because you are a narcissist to him?

  20. This video was so incredibly helpful. The behavior describes exactly what he would do to me. I’m doing shifts to release the self-blame of the break up being my fault and I really needed to learn about this nasty tactic that was used on me.

  21. Thank you Melanie. Exactly. You know the Narcissistic mind so well. He did exactly that to me, and I felt so invalidated at the time, and it was an important conversation that I needed to have with him, and he stonewalled me. My opinion was never even listened to. I felt like this growing up as well, as I had several siblings that were very strongminded, and were always heard.

  22. Melanie – my question is really the opposite of this. I believe my spouse is an Altruistic Narcissist. He is also an extroverted verbal processor who wants to talk everything out. In many ways, we are opposite the male/female stereotypes, and there’s very little information about that available.
    My therapist is encouraging me to share less and not take the bait from him in conversation because that will spiral into deflection, blame, coercion, etc. I share less, and I respond less. He rarely if ever stonewalls because he wants to talk everything to death. He never has enough information about anything (except my hopes and dreams – he never asks about those kinds of things.) Sometimes I feel like I’m the one stonewalling him, but it’s the only way to not get caught in his verbal blame game. Could you respond – should I be shutting the conversation down? Is that stonewalling?

    1. Hi Bonnie,

      My stance on all narcissistic or toxic relationships is this … if there is no progress, healing and solution to the relationship .. then there only is one healthy choice for ourselves.

      Detach, heal and rebuild our life without abuse.

      This is regardless of what the abuse is.

      Much love to you

      Mel 🙏💕💚

  23. What happens to the narc in his/her future attempts at relationships? Mine ended a 2 year writing relationship, long distance, so I did not have to feel the final in-person discard. We announced our engagement on his facebook page and old friends sent him money, which he kept for himself, offering no apology to me. This stonewalling defense started with his evading any rational discussion about my part in the “suspension” of his romantic commitment, as he called it. Is this stonewalling, too? Narcs, de-masked, are impossible to deal with. Great article on the stonewalling defense, thank you. I’d like to know why most narcs go through similar steps to suck in their victims. Thanks, ” Queenie”

  24. I have a BURNING question! I have wanted to ask this for a long time!

    This time last year, the person I was close friends with (who has a covert narcissism problem), began stonewalling me. She had so many Covert NPD traits which I didn’t really realise at the time, not having heard of covert narcissism. I think one day it all just clicked to be honest and all the dots connected and I realised I was dealing with someone with a CN problem.

    It was when I tried talking to her about how I perceived that she was discarding me, using me, dismissing me and whatnot (her narc behaviour). After her stonewalling me the 1st time, I then tried talking to her again about the same issues, and she went and told her mum and partner that I was ‘arguing‘ and being ‘nasty‘ and a ‘bitch’ with her. That I made her cry. Which I did, only because I am aware of how covert narcissists do not like facing the truth of what kind of twisted people they are. All her family members and in particular her partner (who had never even known me) told her to stop talking to me. That is a ‘smear campaign’, am I right?

    Clearly, she listened to them to some extent; she wasn’t messaging me that much anymore nor no longer wanting my company in person/asking to hang out with me and spend time with me anymore😔. She still messaged me but because I know what she was like, she probably kept my notifications on ‘do not disturb’ so that her partner and mum will not see that she is still in contact with me.i eventually gave up and blocked her on everything and cut up all the jewellery and cute letters and stuff she bought me, I was in so much anger that she can just discard everything we had like that because her partner and family members told her to stop talking to me based on twisted stories she told them.

    Fast-forward some months down the line in August 2019 I finally got back in contact with her after 2 months of No Contact, and we were friends again.

    Everything was cool until I asked her, ‘did Rosie (her ex-partner’s name) tell you to stop talking to me, is that why you stopped contacting me?!’ And she said ‘Yes because I was upset we were arguing, but please can we have a fresh start, I don’t want to argue’. We haven’t been in contact since then because I cut her off after telling her how unfair it was that she’d discarded our friendship due to the opinions of people who barely knew me..with her completely one-sided, ‘innocent victim’ twisted stories.

    My problem Melanie is, I can’t seem to get over how she never took responsibility for that nor did she apologise for her smear campaign and to this day, I feel she has gotten away with it. I feel like she successfully painted me out to be the bad person. Her smear campaign I think has been very powerful and worked in her favour. She probably laughs over how successful it actually was. I never really got my justice nor apology for it. She isn’t aware that o know of her narc game. She assumes nobody knows. I know these people are incapable of such sincere apologies when they are problematic to their inner core, but how do I accept that she will never be confronted about her smear campaign and stonewalling without being able to hide and put an ‘innocent victim’ act on?

    Thank you so much for your time Melanie, I am looking forward to your response soon. ❤️❤️

    1. Hi Habiba,

      I really want you to understand that if you need someone else to take responsibility for you to be your own source of whole feelings .. this is unhealthy dependency.

      This is eally about unfinished business and unhealed traumas from our past in repeat of feeling unloved and unacknowledged and insignificant.

      You can never force anyone to do anything, yet you can turn inwards and heal these inner wounds that are still feeling unresolved and not validated.

      These parts are calling out for you needing your love, attention and selfpartnering in order to heal.

      I’d love you to come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to learn more about this, as well as how to heal.

      I hope this helps

      Much love

      Mel 🙏💕💚

  25. Hi, Mel.
    So sorry to hear about Tiggy. I tried to reply on the FB page, but I’m new to FB and couldn’t figure it out. So sad, he was such a sweetie. My heart breaks for you. I lost my fur baby almost 4 years ago and making that decision to let him go was so hard. When he passed I was holding him and I felt (thru my misery and sobbing) this strange peace pass thru me and I knew he was OK. I brought him home and friends and family came to see him. It was so odd because he looked alive on his blanket. Buried him the back yard and I have a flower planter on his grave that I plant each summer. I’m sure Tiggy is still with you in spirit!!! Love and peace to you at this difficult time.

  26. Because these people usually do as they see fit, and therefore it is very important to be careful about such people. Never strike a close relationship with them. The benefit for them is in the first place, and their own rightness exceeds the sound facts. Therefore, it is very important to be on guard, or not to give reasons for profitable actions for such a person. Retraining such a person is almost impossible. Especially if he is an adult, and is it worth it?

  27. I’m celebrating 25 years of marriage this may with a malignant narcissist. And I have yet to hear a story that’s as bad as mine. Or whose narcissistic husband is as malignant as mine is. It’s not a competition, I just can’t help but notice I guess? I’m looking to identify with that same much darker side to reach out and say, “I’m here. And I see you too!” For now m surviving on chemistry. I take medication under a psychiatrist to quiet some of the noise. My story is so dark. My husband is so malignant. I keep thinking, “I just want to go home”. I have no idea where that is. Or what it looks like. I’m just so home sick.
    The dream? Is to land on the good side of this. And extend my hand to help the next woman up.
    That’s the dream

    1. I understand the way you feel. I may not know the details of the types of abuse that you have suffered, but I do know two things…
      1) I know how lonely, isolated, lost, and completely removed from any sense of what you believe that you used perceive as “normal “. Yet, you have no true clarity on when, why, or how, your life has gotten so far away from anything you recognize as any idea of “normal “. The people whom you once had complete confidence in, trusted, loved, who you knew loved you, without question, are somehow no longer a part of your life, including family members, and if they are still “part “ of your life, you can sense that they are no longer a “safe place “ that you used to trust without question.
      “HOME”…. home, is a place that doesn’t “physically” exist, not for me anyway. I can remember falling to my knees, crying, grieving, begging God, to let me get cancer, aids, something, ANYTHING, to kill me, cuz I could NOT commit suicide, and leave my kids behind, questioning me or my love for them. They were too young to try and tell them my reality, but most importantly, I couldn’t bare the thought of choosing to leave them here, on earth, without me, with the likely possibility that they would end up with THAT MOTHER F###ER, not cuz he cared, but because he was trying to recruit his next whore/victim, and everyone knows a man with his kids, is the ULTIMATE magnet for women!!!
      I was so incredibly desperate to stop hurting, crying, begging, for a way out, shaming, blaming myself, I JUST WANTED IT TO END… there was one night, when I had found out about whore#12, I was 6 months pregnant with baby #4, and confronted him about it, with some very naive expectation that he would have some, hell ANY crumb of remorse.. instead he literally laughed in my face, told me it was NONE OF MY F’N BUSINESS wtf he does. I was so hurt, shocked, dumbfounded by his failure to even ATTEMPT to act innocent.. it was like he was not man enough to admit it to my face, but he wanted me to KNOW he was guilty by failing to deny it, and telling me that who he “my husband” was having UNPROTECTED SEX with, while I was pregnant with our child, WAS NONE OF MY FUCKING BUSINESS {I apologize for my language, I have no doubt, that most of you can completely understand why it almost feels necessary, in hopes that people may “get” it, when you include the use of profanity!!! When I couldn’t even allow myself to speak, cry, respond, or physically hurt him, I suddenly HAD To go and shower, perhaps as a symbolic action to wash off the disgusting filth of what he had just said to me, the devastation of the way he responded to me, as I stood there, six months pregnant with our FOURTH child, KNOWING that while he was IN NO WAY MAN ENOUGH, to answer me HONESTLY, he was the ULTIMATE COWARD, and disregarded EVERYTHING that ANY DECENT HUMAN BEING could not have ignored, and to be completely honest, I TRULY felt as though I had just been brutally raped, and my taking a shower, was a symbolic gesture to wash it, him, her, UTTER BETRAYAL off of not only me, but most importantly my baby inside me!!!!
      Yet, he went further, beyond anything human that I can comprehend now, much less then.
      While I was in the shower, he called my oldest brother, my closest, safest, most trusted person in the world to me, at the time, and told him whatever he said, then came into the bathroom and physically picked me up, heart broken, soaked, crying, naked and Six months pregnant, in the middle of December, and put me outside of our home and locked me out… my three children, 8,6,4, inside… ten minutes later I see my brother pull into my neighborhood, and he was clearly of a distorted understanding of what was happening, tried to force me to go with him to a crisis center/mental health/drug addiction facility…. I was so TERRIFIED by ALL of it, but MY BLOOD BROTHER was there, not asking questions but telling me he was taking me to the hospital….
      how do they manipulate the people closest to you, and convince them that you are whatever they say you are…
      that’s just one story of hundreds, so I completely understand the way you feel, and that it feels like you have the closest thing to the devil himself as a husband, and that nobody would ever believe what you have experienced in a lifetime with this monster, that you somehow “love “… I do!!!!
      2) I too, know what it is to cry, ache, and long to go “home” and the very first time I was screaming out to God, on my knees in my living room floor, begging to just go “home “ I had no idea what or where home was…. I eventually had the Epiphany, that I wanted to go home, to Heaven!!!!
      Thankfully, I am still here, and working towards a new life, rediscovering who I am and what I want in this life, my life!!!!
      ❤️❤️I’m eternally grateful for Melanie, and her work, and for each and every one of you!!!

    2. Hey, “I just want to go home” is a common cult phrase. Please be careful. You may have been indoctrinated into something evil…

      Please get out NOW. Read “The Gaslight Effect.” Read cult brainwashing tactics. Know that EVERYTHING that comes out of his mouth is a manipulation. Go No Contact. Go to a psychiatrist and get some meds. LEAVE. LEAVE. LEAVE.

  28. How many relationships, marriages, live in partners and casual sex have narcissists had, how many times can they fall in love, build a life then dump it and put themselves through hell before they are no longer a human being who remembers that other human beings exist who are not like them nor want to engage that way?? God forbid you should move away from them during a calm moment so as to avoid having your life trashed. They’re simply dumb.

  29. won’t matter anyway, narcs are trash but you might not see it right away but eventually notice you will be tangled in their junk and addiction mush whether you live separate or not, because they are bacterial worms from outhouses latching onto whatever host they can.

  30. This is incredible reading this and validation of my experience
    My wife has stonewalled me while being out of the home for 10 months and now extended this now to my daughter
    Will not engage at all and we are left hanging so she’s still controlling the narrative
    The epitome of controlling
    She broke her silence by sending a bunch of crappy presents to my children that were ill judged and not age appropriate
    Even that move showed the narcissist in her
    She has put me through the worst few years of my life and now £100s in therapy which I don’t regret but I’m sure she will be cooly going about her business as if she has not abandoned her 2 children and loving husband of 31 years
    To me the mind of a narcissistic is simply incredible
    I’d like to think she doesn’t know what she is doing
    I don’t really know

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