Melanie Tonia Evans

The Definitive Guide To Going No Contact With A Narcissist

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 39
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

Going No Contact can be excruciatingly difficult to do.

Narcissists are curly – they are very capable of manipulating, duping or guilting you into succumbing, and feigning the remorse necessary to get you back into the relationship.

Maybe you are feeling the intense trauma of loneliness, panic and longing … so much so that you can’t stop yourself caving in and making contact again.

Please know this is NOT your fault. You just haven’t learnt the rules and the HOW to deal with this yet!

It is completely usual for most people to break No Contact repeatedly. That is until they know the information that I am going to share with you today.And this is my greatest wish today, that this Thriver TV episode grants you the vital information to KNOW what an empowered No Contact looks like and HOW to do it.

I want you to be able to break away, stay away, and start your Thriver healing journey for REAL.

 

 

Video Transcript

Going No Contact with a narcissist can be such a difficult thing to do.

It’s not just difficult on an emotional level. Many people don’t know the practical steps to take to make it happen, and this is why I wanted to create today’s TTV episode for you – to help you understand and get clear about how to do No Contact as well as hold it.

Okay, before we get started, thank you everyone who has subscribed to my Channel and for supporting the Thriver Mission. And if you haven’t yet subscribed, I want to remind you to please do. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.

So … let’s dive in.

 

You Don’t Need to Explain That You Are Ending Contact

People ask me all the time, whether you need to tell a narcissist it’s over. My answer is this: if you do, make it the final statement and then block and delete immediately.

The danger, if you don’t immediately cease communication, is that the narcissist will throw a hand grenade at you – something that hurts you, hooks you back in, and gets you defending or justifying yourself.

You want to avoid this at all cost!

Going No Contact means that you have had enough. It means that you know there is no point going around in a three-ring circus of arguments with the narcissist anymore. It means that you know you have no choice other than to end the relationship, because it is not getting better, resolution isn’t ever going to be reached and that there is simply no point in trying – because nothing works.

More than this, No Contact is an act of self-love. It means, ‘I love me enough to save my life and my soul for this torture, devastation and destruction.’

In fact, what it really means is, ‘I am going to stop destroying myself.’

Going No Contact without explanation is absolutely fine. Actions speak louder than words.

 

Block and Delete

This is where we need to stand up to ourselves and not leave any lines of communication open. There will almost definitely be times when we will think, ‘I wonder if he or she is missing me; if he or she will get in touch’. Yet, truly, I want you to know, with every fibre of my being, our job in recovery is to release these thoughts and not to get mired down in them.

My Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) Healing System helps you powerfully achieve the release (if you are diligent about doing inner work with the Modules when these times strike).

When you know you have done No Contact to save your soul, you will know that it’s time to take the stand with yourself to block and delete this person. With all the technology now available, you have the ability to do this. And if you are not sure how, you can Google it.

Trust me. Block and delete is a great thing for you to do for yourself. You don’t want to be wondering every time you receive a phone call, email or a text message, ‘Is that him or her?’

Don’t answer unregistered numbers or random text messages. Just delete!

 

Vital Boundaries with Social Media

When you are serious about going No Contact, this means no stalking their social media. You have decided you can’t have this person in your life anymore, and your mission is to heal and create your own life.

There is no purpose or value whatsoever in looking on social media to see what he or she is up to. I’ll give you this tip: all of us who have recovered from narcissists have gone through being replaced with fresh and new supply. Until doing your Thriver healing work, of course, this can be excruciatingly painful.

You obsessing, trying to find out about what is going on in your ex’s life, researching the new partner and all the other things that can go on, are one of the surest ways to traumatise yourself and delay your healing into your incredible Thriver Life of real love and relationships.

Make sure you block all this person’s accounts so that you can’t see what they are up to. Also, block other people connected closely to him or her, or unfriend them, which leads me to the next section.

 

The Narcissist’s Friends, Family and Pets

The real questions here are: ‘Can you still see these people without having the need for any conversation about the narcissist?’ and ‘Are you concerned about what news may get back to the narcissist?’

I know you may be in the same social circles. Or maybe people from the narcissist’s life have been in your life for many years and you have close relationships with these people. Maybe you have been very close to the narcissist’s children, or even their pets.

I understand deeply the trauma of leaving people behind. I have had to do it myself. There is generally a great deal of loss involved when leaving a toxic, narcissistic relationship – both practically and personally.

However, this I know for sure, we have to be willing to lose it all to get it all – we have to LET GO. It is the hardest thing to do, but it is the only way that we get to reclaim our life, our soul and start generating our True Life.

Be very clear, to go forward there can’t be the muck – the conversations, the checking in, the staying connected by proxy. Yes, you may have to start again, but what a start it will be. Honour what your soul really needs – a complete detox of the narcissist – and you will be filled with glory, beauty and truth.

My suggestion is to break ties, as much as possible, and don’t get caught up in the anger or retaliation of ‘Why should I have to do that?’. It won’t serve you well. Only YOU making the moves that look after your soul and health will.

 

Keeping No Contact

It’s usual for a narcissist to try to get you to break No Contact.

Be aware that this will be attempted by getting to you through your ‘gaps’.

The narcissist may send a message to you, from someone else, about something sweet and lovely. A delivery of flowers may arrive. He or she will only be trying to appeal to your sentimental nature.

This could push your buttons, and you may feel guilty if you don’t reply.

Alternately, you may receive word of smearing and accusations, which the narcissist knows will make you irate and retaliate.

Or there could be a seemingly innocent request, through someone else, that you think is harmless.

The narcissist could send a message that he or she is sick or desperately needs your help; or that they have ‘seen the light’ and are willing to get help.

The list of ways a narcissist can hoover you back, goes on and on.

If you still have parts within you that you need to shore up, that are susceptible to being manipulated, you will be triggered.

My strongest recommendation in these times is to get very clear – if this person is a narcissist and meets the criteria that I share in this article Are You With A Narcissist? then they are not going to magically morph into a healthy, safe person for you to reconnect with.

Time and time again I hear reports from people who capitulated and went back hoping that things would be different, only to discover that things got worse.

To not fall for the hoover, it is vital to turn inwards to heal the triggers that are haunting you. You can then go free and be even stronger and more resolute about continuing to detox this person and move forward.

 

Enforcing No Contact

I love it when people get tough with narcissists.

When we are done, we are done.

And when we are done, we need to mean it. Yes it hurts; yes it is disappointing; and of course there is a whole lot of angst, uncertainty and fear in creating our new life. But when we know that going back is never an option – we mean it.

Myself and many others have had to get to the point where if stalked and confronted it’s like, ‘I am calling the police’. Meaning – you have by word or action told this person you wish no contact from them and that they are compromising your boundary.

You have the right to put an intervention order on someone who is harassing you, making you feel uncomfortable and is not respecting your personal self and your ‘no more’.

This is the thing… Narcissists feed off fear, like sharks do from blood. If you are not scared and stand up and enforce your boundaries, narcissists cannot be in your space. They will take their narcissistic behaviour somewhere else.

 

Being Fearless Moving Forward

People purport that narcissists never stop terrorising them.

This is NOT true

As Pema Chodron said, ‘Nothing ever leaves our experience until it has taught us what we need to learn.’

If you are stuck in trauma, unhealed beliefs, and fear, then yes the narcissist will keep terrorising you.

If you are diligently working on healing your inner trauma and belief systems, that the narcissist has made conscious for you, then he or she will leave your experience.

Your goal is to heal all of this so that you live authentically and without fear.

What does that mean?

It means this…

So WHAT if he or she tries to stalk me?

So WHAT if he or she looks up my social media?

So WHAT if he or she tries to smear me?

So WHAT if he or she does a drive by?

If you just keep releasing with NARP everything that is triggered, stay cool and calm, and get on with being yourself and doing your life, then it will all melt away.

Then you will heal and be free. And I promise you that the narcissist not getting any narcissistic supply from you – physically and even vibrationally (oh yes, please know that does feed them) – means they will have to go and hassle someone else.

 

For More About No Contact…

I really hope this TTV episode has helped you with how to navigate No Contact. If you haven’t claimed it already, please know that my 16-Day Course has a comprehensive guide on How To Do No Contact, where you can learn even more.

And it’s my totally FREE gift to you! No Contact is a vital piece of your recovery.

To claim, please click on this link.

And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

As always, I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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38 Thoughts on The Definitive Guide To Going No Contact With A Narcissist
  • Piratesfriendprincess1@gmail.com'
    D’Anna Carson Clark
    July 11, 2019

    Thank you for your no contact thoughts.

    My problem is that the original NA my late husband died four years ago.

    His eldest daughter has kept the distress going be in part spending two and half years trying to divorce me with her standing in for her late father. There is more. I do not have direct contact with the family. I have my second lawyer working on negotiating the estate and not leaving me homeless and quite penny less.

    The demands are odd and all inclusive. Misreprendations of who I am and what my behavior has been.

    The place you are helping me to find in myself is balancing my understanding. She served for a droid of time as my grief councilor after the death of my first husband then I became involved and married her father.

    I was worried that she knew more about me than an non professional would have.

    Thank you all. D’Anna

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 11, 2019

      Hi D’Anna,

      You are very welcome.

      I so hope my information has helped you stay strong and calm and factual.

      Narcissism does crumble in the face of that.

      Sending you power and Resolution Dear Lady.

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

      • Bakerasj@gmail.com'
        Denim
        July 28, 2019

        How are you supposed to have no contact with the father of your children and in the midst of one son getting married soon?

  • dearsistermoon@gmail.com'
    Sister Moon
    July 11, 2019

    Thank you for this, Melanie. Your No Contact article came this evening and synchronistically spoke to my question about how to do No Contact. My ex was just here to drop off my canine companion (I’m recovering from surgery and my CC is in his care). I left the door open and baby-gated off the hallway so that when he came in he didn’t come into my space and I didn’t have to meet him at the door. I didn’t want him to be privy to my emotions and loving heart at seeing CC. I was here with a mutual friend and he tried to implicate himself into conversation with us. She engaged him in a bit of conversation. I’d already asked her before-hand that I didn’t want him in my space. I stopped the conversation (where he was being very sweet) and said without looking at him, “So, you’re picking her up at 10:30? Okay, then.” He sheepishly made an exit. Score. Thank you for the timely article!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 11, 2019

      Hi Sister Moon,

      It’s my pleasure.

      Well done for not handing over any supply and enjoy your beautiful fur baby.

      Wishing you speedy and a wonderful recovery.

      Much love

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • hayleyact@gmail.com'
    Hayley
    July 11, 2019

    Thanks for your articles on this expansive subject. Regarding this “no contact,” I managed to block the narc. for 3 years on Facebook, but then gave into my intense curiosity, and re-friended him. He never initiates anything with me, and I certainly don’t want to ‘date’ him again, but being able to see him on Facebook (when I want to) is so incredibly tempting, and I find myself checking up on him every few weeks. It’s like a secret, “off-limits” little thrill to do so. Any advice for when your brain is incessantly battling between insatiable curiosity and the rational knowledge that it’s not good to keep checking on him?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 11, 2019

      Hi Hayley,

      It’s my pleasure. Hun have you thought about NARP? http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      That is the tool that eradicates all parts of the narcissist from your system, including the addiction and the pulls. As well as reprogramming your subconscious onto healthy Love Codes.

      Then I promise you, you will be done with that!

      Sending you healing and breakthrough.

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • matt@curbappealphotography.us'
    Matt
    July 11, 2019

    Going on my 4th day of no contact from my narcissist ex fiancé and I’m staying strong this time. I have too for my sanity and wellbeing. Thank you for your guidance and resources you provide to help men and women in these dreadful situations. Never in million years did I ever think I would end up with a narcissist for a partner and NEVER again. Thank you!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 11, 2019

      Hi Matt,

      You are so welcome.

      You are doing great. So proud of you.

      Stay strong!

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • ballkim039@gmail.com'
    Kimerlea Ball
    July 11, 2019

    Thank you, Melanie. This was an important topic (as they all are actually :-). I’ve been no contact for about 10 months now but am still needing to go back and repeat modules to keep healing. Have you done a video on how to break the energetic contact? I’m sure a big piece of that for me is doing more emotional healing and shoring up the weak areas of remaining trauma with NARP, but it’s creepy to think he still could be feeding off my energy!
    Much love and gratitude,
    Kim

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 11, 2019

      Hi Kim,

      The Modules are so important really sweetheart as a way of life, when we know there is dense energy within.

      If you Google my name plus psychic connection, you will see my resources on this topic. The psychic enmeshment is a big part of it!

      Module 9 in NARP is a powerful detox for this, and also I highly suggest being in the NARP forum getting guidance from the best minds in the world, who have successfully dissolved the psychic connection, as they can guide you ‘how to’.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • mebefox1627@gmail.com'
    Connie Fox
    July 11, 2019

    Hi Melanie,
    I’ve been going no contact for 4 months now, even though we have two older children (24 and 19/30+ years married/together). This includes his family. I was very close to them but I couldn’t separate “them from him”. My sister-in-law was one of my best friends for all those years. It has taken me 3 years to get to this point. It has helped me tremendously along with working on my modules.
    Here’s my problem. My daughters boyfriend is going to ask her to marry him. I’m excited, however, there is going to be a party to celebrate. This will be the first time I will see him with someone different. There have been a few, but I haven’t had to be in the same space with any of them. I won’t lie, I’m nervous. I’ve worked hard to get to this point but I know I’m “not quite there” yet.
    How do you handle a “no choice contact”? It’s something that I want to be there for my daughter but I also know it is a perfect occasion for him to show off his new find.
    I really liked this thriver episode. I hope many take this to heart and not wait the 3 years like I did. It truly is a gift when its accomplished.
    Thank you…as always for what you do and I’m looking forward to hearing your advice.
    Connie

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 11, 2019

      Hi Connie,

      You are very welcome, and its brilliant how far you have come.

      Its perfectly understandable that you feel nervous about this!

      In this situation, my suggestion is to use NARP Module 1 or the Source Healing and Resolution Module to shift out every trigger you have about this, so that you feel completely benign about seeing him and her.

      Then it truly wont bother you in the slightest.

      I totally believe with the levels you have already got to, that you can totally achieve this.

      How does that feel for you?

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

      • mebefox1627@gmail.com'
        Connie
        July 11, 2019

        That is what I will concentrate on Melanie. I’ve got 3 weeks!! I am determined and believe that I can do this. I believe it’s because I have you and the other thrivers guiding me and understanding.🙏🏻

        I hope you have a wonderful day.🌷

        Thank you so very much!
        Connie😊💕

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          July 11, 2019

          You’ve got this Connie bless you!

          Thank you hun and have a beautiful weekend!

          Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • earthdev.2048@gmail.com'
    Jyoti
    July 11, 2019

    My ex is now terminally ill. He has gone no contact with me, I’ve been trying to get him to amicably resolve our domestic affairs, I need his permission to sell our house so that I can get on with my life. He has refused to deal with the arising matters after discarding me a year & a half ago. He was ok when he was cheating on me & messing me around back then & I’ve been politely requesting the sale of the house since that time but to no avail. He has now become very ill & I feel very guilty about getting a solicitors letter sent to him, now that he is so frail but I’m desperate to get this whole thing behind me so that I can shut all doors to communication forever. He has made contact but it wasn’t productive & now he replies saying he will be in touch soon but he doesn’t follow through. I know he is ok & is regularly engaging with others in his life so it’s not because he is so ill he can’t write or deal with anything. I feel so messed up but it’s a moral dilemma, I know it shouldn’t matter what he thinks or his friends but I am fond of his adult children & I feel very stuck & trapped in his web

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 11, 2019

      Hi Jyoti,

      That is so understandable sweetheart that it feels wrong to push. But you have tried before now and it does need to be settled.

      So much about our recovery and taking back our power is about honouring ourselves healthily and letting go of the attachment to other people’s judgement.

      You are absolutely in your rights to pursue this matter no matter what others decide to make of it.

      You have nothing to justify, just because his life is ending, doesn’t mean you dont have the right to get on with your own.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

      • earthdev.2048@gmail.com'
        Jyoti
        July 12, 2019

        Thank you for your reply, yes you are right. They are masters of transferring the guilt & responsibility for why the relationship doesn’t work. It’s been hanging over me & darkening my days. You’re so right I do have a right to move on with my life. Again thank you Melanie for your care & support, no one could do the work you do, without having experienced narcissistic behaviors & manipulations first hand. Big love J xxx

  • botha.anneline@yahoo.com'
    Anneline
    July 11, 2019

    Hi Melanie
    How do you break contact if there is a child involved
    Anneline

  • meebies@telkomsa.net'
    Sally Fryer
    July 11, 2019

    Hi Melanie,

    Thanks for all your valuable teachings.
    I’m not sure if you can answer this, but, here goes: narcissism and brain damage may have very similar ‘symptoms’. How does one tell the difference?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 11, 2019

      Hi Sally,

      I truly dont know how you could tell the difference.

      The same can be said for someone like an addict who acts narcistically, yet without the addiction may not be a narcissist.

      Regardless, either are incredibly damaging to our inner beings to be in relationship with.

      Sally what I believe is our life is about honouring our own values and truths and not trying to figure out others … because then we can choose and generate our own life with healthy others, and walk away from those that aren’t- regardless of the reason.

      I hope this makes sense.

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • robynem@bigpond.net.au'
    Robyne McKay
    July 11, 2019

    Have you lost more weight Melanie? You look gorgeous.. How did you do it? Is there a module on that lol!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 11, 2019

      Robyne,

      Thank you for noticing.

      I went on a bone broth vegetable detox for 2 weeks and did lose a bunch of weight.

      I love it, and am now eating totally healthy/ organic and training a lot – yoga, pilates, boxing, weights.

      It feels like a season for me to get really fit and see where it takes me!

      Mwah

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • diannepost7@gmail.com'
    LouLou
    July 11, 2019

    Melanie,,

    Thank you for your brilliant mind and Thriver Program.

    You have so helped heal my broken heart of repeated betrayals from my former N husband of 30+ yrs; my own family members; and now my own children are being brainwashed by him.

    I continue to stay calm; strong; factual when dealing with children issues. I stay no contact with my siblings who have joined my ex husband on the smear of my character.

    After repeatedly kindly asking my siblings to respect me and to not communicate with my toxic ex as this behavior is inapproppriate and shallow. I finally caved and told them ‘where to go’ 😉 .. and THEY WERE FLOORED as It has taken me 60 yrs to finally stand up to my siblings.

    Melanie please know this is not who i am .. however i have never felt so at peace and free from all. Sometimes you just have to punch the bully in the face. teehee! 😉

    I haven’t heard a peep from them since.

    Thoughts?

    LouLou, 🙏🏽😊🌷

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 11, 2019

      Hi LouLou,

      Hun you are do welcome.

      I had a giggle …

      Haha seriously sometimes people dont understand niceties!

      The great thing is, really you feel good. it needed to be said and they backed off.

      Loulou please know I have lost it with someone who didn’t hear ‘no’ in the past! Then they got it.

      I wouldn’t feel guilty at all!

      Bless you Dear Lady

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • inpellerano@yahoo.com'
    Iris
    July 11, 2019

    Dear Melanie

    I found that TOTAL NO CONTACT was only the beginning.

    I had to purge my environment of everything big and small that had been linked to his presence in my home. It’s like quitting smoking and not having cigarettes, but then throwing out the ashtrays, lighters and all paraphernalia associated with the habit. Even if the ashtray was pure crystal and the lighters made of gold and onyx.

    Even outfits that I wore which weren’t really quite me were discarded- not sold out given away. Any scents etc. Gone. I wanted nothing to do with that liar and it’s illusion.

    And when I saw him …three doors down – parading his new/old girlfriend – who parked right behind me so I knew when she’d slept over- I left for assignments out of town for weeks at a time. This distance have me space to do the self care. I’ve never had social media so that was not an issue.

    The weekends when I was home and he tried to hoover/approach me , I literally did not even look in his direction and completely ignored him. It helped that i really was busy with other important issues.

    Within four months he was asked to move out of our condo association for having too many cars! I didn’t have to lift a finger. That just happened.

    Thanks to your encouragement and supportive explanations, I found my way to a greater understanding of myself than I had before NARC so that the experience left me richer and stronger than ever. Thank God for your work and your patience in posting these videos.

    And you always look fabulous.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 12, 2019

      Hi Iris,

      That’s so true, it is only the beginning.

      I also did that … removed everything that was linked to him. It’s a beautiful step to take!

      I love that you honoured you with as much detachment as possible.

      Brilliant suggestions and advice.

      The space to heal is vital.

      Much love to you

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • jojosling5@gmail.com'
    Joanne
    July 11, 2019

    Thank you Melanie for your support,how to deal with narcs and helping my tortured soul too never give up. 2 years free after a 24 year relationship with narc. Finally had the strength to leave. It was at a point I was dying a slow death. Deleted him from social media. I would still check on him through friends fb. It has been 6 months I finally let go of giving him this power. He has made another fb profile.Blocked it AS.A.P My 22 year old son still lives with him. But I need too let Alex find out the truth about his narc it. I Know in his heart he knows the truth. When the time comes.Thank you again for heping me heal. You are an Angel🌅🌠🌈

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 12, 2019

      Hi Joanne,

      It’s my pleasure.

      Big kudos to you for having the strength to say ‘enough’.

      Please know by healing and empowering yourself, your child will work it out and gravitate your way. You dont have to get your son to see it … it will all happen organically.

      Sending support, love and strength to you.

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • kim@msbmovers.com'
    Kim
    July 11, 2019

    Dear Melanie

    Thank you for this information. It actually came to me at the perfect time as I was starting to “cave” and was contemplating taking his call. He calls my job daily and I needed the added strength to once again not take the call. I wish I could block him here at work but its not possible. Just gotta keep being strong and use my head for a change. Thanks again!!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 12, 2019

      Hi Kim,

      You are very welcome and I’m pleased this was timely for you.

      Stay strong and mean it sweetheart!

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • megywn@hotmail.com'
    Meagen
    July 12, 2019

    Melanie,
    I have 2 young children with my narcissist ex. Can you please help with “modified contact” in this situation? He continues to call me names…horrible, horrible names via text whenever I just ask questions about our children.
    What makes it even more complicated is that I am/was friends with his sisters prior to knowing him at all. I have to go through them for most things because he’s “STILL PROCESSING” . He is sooooo coddled by his family and the most frustrating part is that they have really only heard his side of everything. Even though they have seen his anger and horrible behavior all his life. He needs help!!!
    I’m just trying to do the best I can for our girls, but having to have contact with him or ask his questions, give up control of letting his “help with things”, is excruciating!!!!!!!!

  • nesilaw@outlook.com'
    "Aneas"
    July 12, 2019

    Thank you for this beautiful and powerful video, Melanie. Tough Love is Tough, but when Enough is Enough, God makes us “Tough In Him”, and He’s used you today to help strengthen me In His Way & confirm that! Love, Blessings, Hugs, Kisses!!!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 12, 2019

      Hi Aneas,

      You are very welcome and I’m so pleased you are anchoring in to honouring your Inner Being. Because that is honouring God, self and the entire Field in honourable ways.

      Love and blessings to you

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • mjlavoie66@hotmail.com'
    Michelle
    July 15, 2019

    I think I have FINALLY reached my enough is enough point with the narcissist I was sucked in by a year and a half ago. I knew him 30 years ago when we were teens, but not all that well. He found me on Facebook in January of 2018, and when I accepted his friends request, he started messaging me about how he always had a massive crush on me and had thought about me these past 30 years. He included details of my life that surprised me he remembered so well from so long ago. Needless to say, I became convinced that he truly did have these feelings for me all along, though I found it odd. He pushed quickly for a serious relationship, which scared me, and I remember early on literally seeing red flags popping up in my mind’s eye, and actually crying because I sensed an abusive personality. When I told him he was scaring me with his pushiness, he got angry, pouted, and went dark on me. My response was to let down my guard (oh how I rue the day), and fall into a full-fledged relationship with him. Soon enough so many terrible things happened. I discovered he was addicted to cocaine, despite being on disability. He lost his apartment. I lent him money to move in with me, which lasted only one month before he moved to his mother’s house in a rage at me. He’s 55 by the way. I also found out he was still reaching out to his ex-wife, trying to get back together, telling her he could never love me like her, even though he was busy love bombing me after every argument (according to him I love to argue – all the fights were my fault). He also carried on flirtations with ex-romantic interests, and when I told him that bothered me, he told me I was trying to control his FB life and it was none of my business, and I was just being insecure. I know for sure though that if I’d treated him the same, he would’ve freaked.

    Long story short, I’ve managed to go no-contact with him for a month at a time over the past 8 months or so, but I always end up getting sucked back in by his bullcrap – i.e. that he’ll change, that he loves me so much he can’t lose me, that he’s quit using drugs (I think he believes his own lies – he uses, but denies it!), that he wants to do all these wonderful things with me. He’s hoovered me back in by taking me on a weekend vacation that he paid for (never thought I’d see the day), and by doing work around my house. But in the end, we argue, and it turns out he’s got a score sheet in his head, letting me know everything he’s ever paid for and what he ought to ask me to pay him back for. Last weekend was the final straw for me. We were sitting on my side porch with my 3 daughters (29, 23, and 22). My 22 year old had just broken up with her boyfriend who she caught cheating on her. She’d went out and gotten her hair dyed light blonde and straightened, and she looked beautiful. The narc started talking her up, encouraging her to date every guy out there, and not to care if she hurt anyone. I wasn’t thrilled with his advice, but also didn’t want to argue. Then he starts going on about how long, straight blonde hair turns him on, and that I should do that with my hair “even though he likes my wild hair” — what sort of “compliment” is that?? Then came the coup de grace – she should use older men, because according to his facts 90 percent of older men want to cheat with younger women. I sat there flabbergasted – these are my daughters, and I’m his girlfriend. I’m attractive, fit, look far younger than my 52 years, and he’s told me many times how lucky he feels to have me. Yet that’s what he decides to make the topic of conversation. I walked away, because I couldn’t believe it. I knew he was trying to derail my confidence. He came after 20 minutes to ask what was wrong, and when I told him I disliked how he was talking in front of my kids and myself, he flew into a rage and left, turning off the gas to the grill where we were cooking ribs. He has now gone silent on me after I texted him back that he’s disgusting to have tried to triangulate me against my daughter. He texted me that he hates me, which was 5 days ago. It’s rare for him to be silent this long, but clearly he knows my daughters witnessed his behavior and didn’t like it either (they told me it was creepy).

    Anyways, I hate myself for still wishing I’d hear from him! Not because I imagine he’ll change – I know he won’t, but because I want an apology. I know rationally an apology is just b.s. – means nothing; yet, here I am checking every couple hours to see if he’s messaged me. Why??? I hate him for trying to make me feel old and used up in comparison to my daughter. Yet I want to know he misses me and regrets his behavior. I’m doing well with not contacting him, but still, he has my energy, and that scares me because I am guessing he can feel that I am still attached.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 15, 2019

      Hi Michelle,

      Please know it is so common to be trauma bonded with narcissists through our unhealed subconscious beliefs and traumas.

      Hence why the inner work to break free is so vital, powerful and absolute to heal from this.

      Have you checked out my free inner transformational resources http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse ?

      They explain this fully and take you on the step by step journey to get this inner work and healing done, so that not only will you break away from that narcissist with no emotional connections but can also evolve beyond repeating this pattern unconsciously in the future.

      This is all about healing your inner Love Code

      I hope this helps you understand that the solution is not about trying to just be logically strong.

      Sending love and healing to you.

      Mel 🙏♥️💕

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