Things get worse with narcissists when they know you have them figured out.
In fact, the most precarious times of pain, trauma and getting horrifically abused, is when you know what the narcissist is, and the narcissist knows that you are on to them.
This is when it is time to get out.
Read on and you will find out…
Falling Off the Pedestal
When narcissists are delightful, it is because of one of three things: you have been groomed as narcissistic supply; they are hoovering you to hook up narcissistic supply again; or they just downright want something.
At these times, it all seems to be working out with this person – either you believe he or she is ‘wonderful’, or you feel the relief that this person ‘has finally got what they are doing and wants to make amends’. Or perhaps you find yourself warming to the narcissist, tending to what they want, only to realise later that the deal, of course, has been brokered completely in the narcissist’s favour.
Naturally a narcissist’s mask falls, in time. It is impossible to maintain the illusion of a fictitious character indefinitely. Sooner or later, the narcissist will step on your toes in a big way. It could be verbally with nasty comments. Or practically through careless, thoughtless or even malicious behaviour towards either you or the things and Beings who matter to you.
Of course, you are triggered. Even the kindest of people, in the face of conscienceless, self-absorbed behaviour, would feel violated.
Then, understandably, you react. The narcissist dodges any accountability by trying to make excuses, minimalising your grievance, or by blaming you for whatever they have done. And this just triggers you more.
No longer are you a compliant source of narcissistic supply. Rather, you have become the ‘enemy’ who has just threatened the narcissist’s mirage of the False Self – ‘I am to be served without reproach, and continually treated as significant and superior’.
When you start questioning the narcissist – and taking a stand for being given an apology and them showing remorse or accountability – the narcissist begins to know that you have started to figure them out; that they are NOT this omnipotent figure that they would like you to believe they are.
Really, what you are doing is starting to call out the dysfunctional and malignant behaviour that is not healthy or acceptable. You are identifying the cracks. This means you are pointing a finger at their damaged and disowned inner self, around which the narcissist has erected the False Self, who guards this at all costs.
Now you are pushing on the narcissist’s hairline trigger to any perceived criticism. Dangerous rage and capacity is close to the surface, as the horrible by-product of a severely insecure and damaged inner self.
When you are devastated by a narcissist, they may not be able to keep charming and mining you for sex, resources, fawning or any other self-absorbed need in any given moment. But all is not lost for him or her. This is when Dr. Jekyll takes a back seat and Mr. Hyde fully appears. The monster is unleashed to punish you – terribly.
The narcissist has every twisted justification to line you up and smack you where they know it hurts the most. He or she has already worked out your weakest emotional points to use for these times – the ones which you will defend and argue back with them.
The disowned parts of the narcissist, which they don’t want to ever look at, own or resolve, are now hurtled at you with full force. Narcissists want relief, and they get this by offloading all over you the deeply triggered traumas within; the traumas that cause the maladaptive behaviour you have identified.
Of course, in the narcissist’s eyes, it is all your fault and this is why he or she hurtles into the argument any and every additional hand grenade. A narcissist wants to make sure you are hurt beyond measure and feel like you are losing your mind.
They then have you exactly where they want you – back to providing A-grade narcissistic supply: ‘Look how significant I am to be able to affect another person like this.’
The Worst Cases of Narcissistic Abuse
The most damage happens to the people who used to be like I was…
And deciding that the truth must be got to. This person should be remorseful. Things can be restored to a healthy state through my determined actions to ‘set things right’.
I have to say if you are operating within this framework with a narcissist like I was… Good Luck!
It simply DOESN’T work.
And this is why:
The narcissist has no intention of being accountable, pinned down or remorseful. The harder you try to get accountability, and make a narcissist act with decency, integrity and consideration, the more he or she will push back, tormenting you even more.
Narcissists are the epitome of the mirror reflecting back to us a BIG Quantum wake-up call.
The complete false premise that we can change other people to make ourselves feel better.
Quantum Law – so within, so without – means we can only change our inner state in relation to what is happening in our outer world. We need to adjust and up level from our own traumas and belief systems that are generating what is going on in our life. And then, when we do this, people will either rise up to join us at our new established boundaries and truth, or we leave the experience to go our separate ways into experiences that are our truth.
The longer we stay stuck righteously in trying to change a narcissist to get a change in our own emotional state and life, the more we get the true results of this Quantum Truth which is:
‘When I deny my own development and hold others responsible for my Self and Life – nothing changes. I only get more of my traumatised state.’
What we realise when we Go Quantum is:
‘This person was never meant to change. They were showing me what aren’t my values and truth. And by doing so they were forcing me to pull away, to heal within me what is necessary to create my Life for REAL.’
Naming a Narcissist ‘a Narcissist’ or Trying to Get Them to Heal
If you have named the narcissist ‘a narcissist’, or have gone down the path of trying to help them heal their childhood issues, which are causing their disordered behaviour, then you are right in the ‘annihilation pit’.
Now that the narcissist knows that you have really figured them out, you must be completely discredited and eradicated, one way or another.
My suggestion to you is: if you are calling a narcissist ‘a narcissist’ or saying that their inner wounds are causing their behaviour – make it your final comment.
Do not hang around thinking you are going to save this person from themselves.
If this person goes to therapy, they will not be going there for ‘their problems’. Instead, it will be about what you do to them so that they can get narcissistic supply from the therapist. Couple’s therapy is one of the most devastating and traumatising experiences anyone can have with a narcissist, because narcissists use the therapist and the sessions to switch the blame and issues onto you.
Before long, rather than the therapy getting anywhere near helping the narcissist and your relationship, you will be fighting even harder for your sanity and life.
And, to add insult to injury, the narcissist will be setting up elaborate smear campaigns to make sure you are the one who goes down. And while this is going on, he or she will be setting up bank accounts on the side, and all other levels of deceit, to make sure that he or she is still afloat when the ship sinks.
This ‘preparation’ usually includes sourcing the next source of narcissistic supply to have ready to jump ship onto.
And if you drown, that is perfect. As far as the narcissist is concerned, it means the evidence of their narcissistic ‘damaged inner self’ secrets disappears with you.
Another tactic, when the narcissist knows you have them figured out, is to mess with your head enough that you start believing that you are the problem, not them.
It’s Time to Get Off This Ride and Figure You Out (Heal)
Whichever way it rolls, it all comes back to the same Quantum Truth – the more you try to change someone to get your own sane, healthy, loving and happy life, the worse things get.
In this Wrong Town place you discover:
- The narcissist doesn’t change, have compassion or do the right thing.
- The people who you are smeared to don’t believe your side of the story.
- You lose control over your emotions, life and health, and things start disintegrating everywhere you look.
- It is all you can do to keep your life from overturning or being smashed against the rocks.
This is not your ride to be on – ever!
It’s time to get off.
Do you want to get off this insane, disastrous trip?
If so, please write below: ‘I’m getting off NOW!’
Okay, so how do you do that?
The answer is in fact very simple; the application itself is what takes devoted self-healing work.
The answer is this: stop holding the narcissist responsible for your life, and understand that it is impossible to CHANGE your life by CHANGING someone else’s.
You are the one who needs to change, as myself and so many others have had to do.
This involves letting go of the need for…
- The narcissist’s remorse and apologies.
- Repair of the damage they have inflicted.
- Receiving any closure from anyone or anything outside of us.
- Reliance on the narcissist for any aspect of love, approval, security or survival.
- Justice to be done.
…in order for YOU to be HEALED and WHOLE.
If we need anything from outside sources to be healed and whole – then we are victims. We are not self-actualised. We haven’t taken our power back, and so don’t yet realise that we can heal and shift and start working with Life directly through our own truth, values, ‘self’, and healed and aligned belief systems.
I know it’s easier said than done, and that we can’t just switch into this mindset. This is where the RIGHT inner work is SO vital, because if you stay victimised, holding others and situations responsible for your Life then, you won’t receive compensation in the way of healing and your life getting going again, rather you will ONLY receive more events and problems that victimise you.
This horrifyingly is the case for most victims of narcissists – because they don’t know how to work with Quantum Law and heal for REAL yet.
No longer do we need to stay in that devastated place.
We DO have the ability to turn inwards and make the necessary ‘changes’ to heal ourselves – to release the traumas and false beliefs that we have been playing out with these people, unconsciously.
It’s then that we break free into trajectories to be safe, powerful and whole – regardless of what anyone else is or isn’t doing.
That is Wholeness; that is THRIVING.
No longer is there the need to figure out narcissists or call then out at ALL. It never works anyway, which I hope you now really ‘get’.
This was always REALLY about figuring out, healing and freeing ourselves.
Life truly works by simply doing the following:
- Dedicate to the right Inner Healing (This is TOTALLY necessary to be able to do the next steps.).
- Define your values and truth, and live them.
- If people violate your values and truth, ask them for what you need, whilst being willing to lose it all to get it all.
- Then, if they don’t meet you through actions (words are cheap) at this level of your truth, walk away and keep generating your healthy, loving, sane and truthful life.
Of course, we struggle to do this until we heal. I did as well, but I certainly don’t now. And it is my greatest mission in life to help you SORT this out too!
You can do this by signing up to my free inner transformational resources, which grants you two free ebooks and my free 16-day course.
Also please join me in my FREE 2-hour Masterclass How To Live Trauma Free & Thrive After Narcissistic Abuse, which is coming up soon! (This event will give you a super-boost into understanding exactly what you need to heal and HOW to do it!)
And if you enjoyed this article, please share it with your communities to help them heal for REAL also.
As always, I look forward to your comments and questions below.
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