Things get worse with narcissists when they know you have them figured out.
In fact, the most precarious times of pain, trauma and getting horrifically abused, is when you know what the narcissist is, and the narcissist knows that you are on to them.
This is when it is time to get out.
Why?
Read on and you will find out…
Falling Off the Pedestal
When narcissists are delightful, it is because of one of three things: you have been groomed as narcissistic supply; they are hoovering you to hook up narcissistic supply again; or they just downright want something.
At these times, it all seems to be working out with this person – either you believe he or she is ‘wonderful’, or you feel the relief that this person ‘has finally got what they are doing and wants to make amends’. Or perhaps you find yourself warming to the narcissist, tending to what they want, only to realise later that the deal, of course, has been brokered completely in the narcissist’s favour.
Naturally a narcissist’s mask falls, in time. It is impossible to maintain the illusion of a fictitious character indefinitely. Sooner or later, the narcissist will step on your toes in a big way. It could be verbally with nasty comments. Or practically through careless, thoughtless or even malicious behaviour towards either you or the things and Beings who matter to you.
Of course, you are triggered. Even the kindest of people, in the face of conscienceless, self-absorbed behaviour, would feel violated.
Then, understandably, you react. The narcissist dodges any accountability by trying to make excuses, minimalising your grievance, or by blaming you for whatever they have done. And this just triggers you more.
No longer are you a compliant source of narcissistic supply. Rather, you have become the ‘enemy’ who has just threatened the narcissist’s mirage of the False Self – ‘I am to be served without reproach, and continually treated as significant and superior’.
When you start questioning the narcissist – and taking a stand for being given an apology and them showing remorse or accountability – the narcissist begins to know that you have started to figure them out; that they are NOT this omnipotent figure that they would like you to believe they are.
Really, what you are doing is starting to call out the dysfunctional and malignant behaviour that is not healthy or acceptable. You are identifying the cracks. This means you are pointing a finger at their damaged and disowned inner self, around which the narcissist has erected the False Self, who guards this at all costs.
Now you are pushing on the narcissist’s hairline trigger to any perceived criticism. Dangerous rage and capacity is close to the surface, as the horrible by-product of a severely insecure and damaged inner self.
When you are devastated by a narcissist, they may not be able to keep charming and mining you for sex, resources, fawning or any other self-absorbed need in any given moment. But all is not lost for him or her. This is when Dr. Jekyll takes a back seat and Mr. Hyde fully appears. The monster is unleashed to punish you – terribly.
The narcissist has every twisted justification to line you up and smack you where they know it hurts the most. He or she has already worked out your weakest emotional points to use for these times – the ones which you will defend and argue back with them.
The disowned parts of the narcissist, which they don’t want to ever look at, own or resolve, are now hurtled at you with full force. Narcissists want relief, and they get this by offloading all over you the deeply triggered traumas within; the traumas that cause the maladaptive behaviour you have identified.
Of course, in the narcissist’s eyes, it is all your fault and this is why he or she hurtles into the argument any and every additional hand grenade. A narcissist wants to make sure you are hurt beyond measure and feel like you are losing your mind.
They then have you exactly where they want you – back to providing A-grade narcissistic supply: ‘Look how significant I am to be able to affect another person like this.’
The Worst Cases of Narcissistic Abuse
The most damage happens to the people who used to be like I was…
Wanting accountability and going after it like a bull-dog…
And deciding that the truth must be got to. This person should be remorseful. Things can be restored to a healthy state through my determined actions to ‘set things right’.
I have to say if you are operating within this framework with a narcissist like I was… Good Luck!
It simply DOESN’T work.
And this is why:
The narcissist has no intention of being accountable, pinned down or remorseful. The harder you try to get accountability, and make a narcissist act with decency, integrity and consideration, the more he or she will push back, tormenting you even more.
Narcissists are the epitome of the mirror reflecting back to us a BIG Quantum wake-up call.
The complete false premise that we can change other people to make ourselves feel better.
Quantum Law – so within, so without – means we can only change our inner state in relation to what is happening in our outer world. We need to adjust and up level from our own traumas and belief systems that are generating what is going on in our life. And then, when we do this, people will either rise up to join us at our new established boundaries and truth, or we leave the experience to go our separate ways into experiences that are our truth.
The longer we stay stuck righteously in trying to change a narcissist to get a change in our own emotional state and life, the more we get the true results of this Quantum Truth which is:
‘When I deny my own development and hold others responsible for my Self and Life – nothing changes. I only get more of my traumatised state.’
What we realise when we Go Quantum is:
‘This person was never meant to change. They were showing me what aren’t my values and truth. And by doing so they were forcing me to pull away, to heal within me what is necessary to create my Life for REAL.’
Naming a Narcissist ‘a Narcissist’ or Trying to Get Them to Heal
If you have named the narcissist ‘a narcissist’, or have gone down the path of trying to help them heal their childhood issues, which are causing their disordered behaviour, then you are right in the ‘annihilation pit’.
Now that the narcissist knows that you have really figured them out, you must be completely discredited and eradicated, one way or another.
My suggestion to you is: if you are calling a narcissist ‘a narcissist’ or saying that their inner wounds are causing their behaviour – make it your final comment.
Do not hang around thinking you are going to save this person from themselves.
If this person goes to therapy, they will not be going there for ‘their problems’. Instead, it will be about what you do to them so that they can get narcissistic supply from the therapist. Couple’s therapy is one of the most devastating and traumatising experiences anyone can have with a narcissist, because narcissists use the therapist and the sessions to switch the blame and issues onto you.
Before long, rather than the therapy getting anywhere near helping the narcissist and your relationship, you will be fighting even harder for your sanity and life.
And, to add insult to injury, the narcissist will be setting up elaborate smear campaigns to make sure you are the one who goes down. And while this is going on, he or she will be setting up bank accounts on the side, and all other levels of deceit, to make sure that he or she is still afloat when the ship sinks.
This ‘preparation’ usually includes sourcing the next source of narcissistic supply to have ready to jump ship onto.
And if you drown, that is perfect. As far as the narcissist is concerned, it means the evidence of their narcissistic ‘damaged inner self’ secrets disappears with you.
Another tactic, when the narcissist knows you have them figured out, is to mess with your head enough that you start believing that you are the problem, not them.
It’s Time to Get Off This Ride and Figure You Out (Heal)
Whichever way it rolls, it all comes back to the same Quantum Truth – the more you try to change someone to get your own sane, healthy, loving and happy life, the worse things get.
In this Wrong Town place you discover:
- The narcissist doesn’t change, have compassion or do the right thing.
- The people who you are smeared to don’t believe your side of the story.
- You lose control over your emotions, life and health, and things start disintegrating everywhere you look.
- It is all you can do to keep your life from overturning or being smashed against the rocks.
This is not your ride to be on – ever!
It’s time to get off.
Do you want to get off this insane, disastrous trip?
If so, please write below: ‘I’m getting off NOW!’
Okay, so how do you do that?
The answer is in fact very simple; the application itself is what takes devoted self-healing work.
The answer is this: stop holding the narcissist responsible for your life, and understand that it is impossible to CHANGE your life by CHANGING someone else’s.
You are the one who needs to change, as myself and so many others have had to do.
This involves letting go of the need for…
- The narcissist’s remorse and apologies.
- Repair of the damage they have inflicted.
- Receiving any closure from anyone or anything outside of us.
- Reliance on the narcissist for any aspect of love, approval, security or survival.
- Justice to be done.
…in order for YOU to be HEALED and WHOLE.
If we need anything from outside sources to be healed and whole – then we are victims. We are not self-actualised. We haven’t taken our power back, and so don’t yet realise that we can heal and shift and start working with Life directly through our own truth, values, ‘self’, and healed and aligned belief systems.
I know it’s easier said than done, and that we can’t just switch into this mindset. This is where the RIGHT inner work is SO vital, because if you stay victimised, holding others and situations responsible for your Life then, you won’t receive compensation in the way of healing and your life getting going again, rather you will ONLY receive more events and problems that victimise you.
This horrifyingly is the case for most victims of narcissists – because they don’t know how to work with Quantum Law and heal for REAL yet.
No longer do we need to stay in that devastated place.
We DO have the ability to turn inwards and make the necessary ‘changes’ to heal ourselves – to release the traumas and false beliefs that we have been playing out with these people, unconsciously.
It’s then that we break free into trajectories to be safe, powerful and whole – regardless of what anyone else is or isn’t doing.
That is Wholeness; that is THRIVING.
No longer is there the need to figure out narcissists or call then out at ALL. It never works anyway, which I hope you now really ‘get’.
This was always REALLY about figuring out, healing and freeing ourselves.
Life truly works by simply doing the following:
- Dedicate to the right Inner Healing (This is TOTALLY necessary to be able to do the next steps.).
- Define your values and truth, and live them.
- If people violate your values and truth, ask them for what you need, whilst being willing to lose it all to get it all.
- Then, if they don’t meet you through actions (words are cheap) at this level of your truth, walk away and keep generating your healthy, loving, sane and truthful life.
Of course, we struggle to do this until we heal. I did as well, but I certainly don’t now. And it is my greatest mission in life to help you SORT this out too!
You can do this by signing up to my free inner transformational resources, which grants you two free ebooks and my free 16-day course.
Also please join me in my FREE 2-hour Masterclass How To Live Trauma Free & Thrive After Narcissistic Abuse, which is coming up soon! (This event will give you a super-boost into understanding exactly what you need to heal and HOW to do it!)
And if you enjoyed this article, please share it with your communities to help them heal for REAL also.
As always, I look forward to your comments and questions below.
Superbly written, every single word absolutely spot on. 6 months no contact, and feeling more content than I have for years, waking up every day with a ‘life is great’ feeling. But also dreading that day when we accidentally bump into one another (this isn’t a big city), and scared, not of him, but my own feelings and how I’ll react. Hopefully I’ll be cool and calm…but…!
Thanks for just being being brilliant, couldn’t have done this without you. xx
Hi Meg,
Thank you for your lovely words.
Please know Meg if you target and release the traumas of that possibility, then truly that fear will be gone, and if you did it will be like ‘Pffff!’
Please come into my Free Masterclass to find out HOW to … http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/masterclass
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕♥️
I amm really.happy with myself
He has tryed.tricking.me to.sleep.with.him.no way.i remember.the.hurt . I have the victory
God loves.me
I am getting off now
So impressed by her teaching style. I have followed and learned from the best coaches in the field of Narcissistic Abuse and Co dependency from the founding father himself Sam Vankin who coined the now well known phrase narcissistic abuse to Richard Grannon and others. I must say however, that Melonie has a way of explaining and simplifying the most complex topics of this awful cycle. In fact, the most valuable lesson from her was the concept of the narcissist and co dependent being the flip side of the same coin . Thank You Melonie!
I broke contact about six months ago with a narcissist I mistakenly formed a “friendship” with. I made up some lie about why no more phone calls only emails if he wanted anything.That must have set him back on his heel with a slow burn because he has gone no contact. That is exactly where I want to be. If I ever run into him I will be civil but never again do anything with him.A guy who is very disrespectful of my feelings.Thanks Melanie for the good posting.I am not a liar by nature but this is an exception if I have to lie for my own best interest so be it.I would never lie to anyone about something that could put them in jeopardy in any fashion.
Hi Phil,
That is so great that you recognised that this person was no good for you.
I totally understand your point, yet I am a big fan of authenticity, in that we know we can speak our truth and have boundaries, and it also grants people who have the capacity to self reflect and heal.
Sending power and love to you.
Mel 🙏💕♥️
Once AGAIN an incredibly spot on post. I lived this to the extreme refusing to let go of the belief that the court would serve justice. And THAT lead to a manipulation of the court system all the way through a divorce trial! In the end, the Judge SAW the truth, expressed “Do you know the phrase a pig gets fat and a hog gets slaughtered?” to my narcissist ex and his narcissistic attorney. And ALSO the Judge proclaimed, the only way this truly ENDS is if the two of you agree on a settlement or one of you dies! Because a man worth 33 million will keep appealing to grind me to total destruction and there is NOTHING the court can do to serve justice. So accepting his settlement was standing up for my life. But after facing taking my own life TWICE through the ordeal of calling out the narcissist, I can literally swear on my life that this post of Mel’s should be considered to the deepest regard.
I 100% agree with all of this. I read it and think yep yep yep all of this is true. I’ve been likely foolishly thinking I have the upper hand for the last couple months by seeing him but refusing sex and never saying I love you. That seriously pissed him off. But of course, he started saying things like “for the whole relationship you were like this” and “the therapist said your disorder can’t be healed and you’ll never change”. And, as he expected and wanted, I was like no. That is not reality. I was 110% in for almost 2 years! I have no “disorder”, except anxiety. Wtf are you talking about?! I told him he rewrites history and constantly blame shifts. It’s insane and he’s insane. Needless to say – he flew into a RAGE/tantrum and left my house. I’m like bye! Long long gone are the days of me chasing and begging him. At two am he texts me that he is “done” bc I’m “damaged” blah blah. (he knows I have anxiety and can’t sleep so texting me this late was at best selfish and thoughtless and at worst intentionally hurtful and disruptive) here is my question. I don’t really care. I’m not mad or sad I’m just indifferent at this point. So WHY am I still obsessed w proving he’s been a lying cheat this whole time? I literally do not understand it. Why does it matter. It’s like I will NOT let him vilify me AND never get to put him in his place. After two years? No way. Like I cannot let it go and I do not understand why. 🙁
KT
See Melanie’s article on Peptide Addiction as it relates to narcissistic abuse.
You will understand the withdrawal process and feel relieved to know how this breakup is not just a breakup- it’s an opportunity for rewiring your core emotional identity and really change your life.
You must get the NARP program.
There is hope and total recovery possible, but Melanie is the only person I know doing Quantum Healing. Please don’t even try to do this alone.
Love yourself first and start with NARP.
All the best
Iris – I think I read that article on peptide addiction but it was a while ago and I clearly didn’t “get it”. I am signed up for Melanie’s master class next week which is a good start I think. Thank you for your kind words…knowing others get it is truly amazing and helpful. I’ve got to stop but also realize it isn’t easy to do so. Thank you again..
Hi Melanie
You have helped me so much, thank you. I have a big dilemma though. My N lives in my house and he won’t leave. I have ‘healed’ myself, with your support. I no longer rely on him for anything, I lead a completely separate live and I’m thriving and happy.
N knows this and he is starting to sabotage things (proclaiming they are accidents). I’m getting so worried now because I know what he’s capable of. I don’t know what to do or who to turn to.
Hi Frankie,
It’s my pleasure.
Without knowing your circumstances, as in do you own the home, what are the legalities… it’s hard to say.
Personally I would be breaking a lease, selling the home, if there was no way to evict him.
Breaking ties is numero one … always. No matter what that takes.
When we honour our soul, what we think we have lost comes back to us threefold.
Mel 🙏💕♥️
Hi Melanie 🤗
You are outstanding in the way you can explain and heal others from the control and abuse so many loving and good hearted people experience. I certainly have a question after I left the house and moved away I was smeared to my own children and they endured a terrible accident still in complete control by the narc and now my oldest son has returned home safely ( as much as possible after the neglectful and abusive relationship he endured with my ex narc) The problem I have been experiencing aside from complete dismay at the actions he continues to do while parenting (drug and sex Addiction) is how he has stopped the visitation of my child as I live a 6 hour drive away and have no vehicle thanks to his financial abuse as well. I have four children and a mental health disorder. I am honestly on the verge of bankruptcy for the second time as we separated years ago and I was left raising two kids unemployed. I don’t expect him to solve my life but I do expect to have some form of communication with my child. I am lost as to how this can happen when she is convinced she is safe with him although she has recently been suspended from school and I am concerned she is his Golden child and will suffer more than the injury she had from the accident. Please help
Hi Kayley,
Thank you for your lovely compliment.
Kayley this is the thing … we cant change anything about what other people do or dont do, we can only change what we are doing, to be able to have a positive influence on the situation… or let it go and put it in a Higher Powers hands while we heal ourselves.
The Quantum Universe we’re in of ‘so within, so without’ is always calling us forward to heal and help our own inner life, and then our outer experience shifts.
Your first steps Kayley, like for all of us, is to heal your trauma and life as much as possible and then all else can start to follow, including with what is happening with your children.
I know that can seem like the hardest and most impossible thing to do from the situation you are struggling with.
I personally was told I would never recover from my mental breakdown, yet discovered when I partnered with my inner being to release the trauma I had embodied, I got more well than I ever imagined.
I witness people come back, regularly, from horrific handicaps when they do the inner work.
Kelley I suggest my free 16 day course, I know how much it can help you http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
Sending you love and hugs
Mel 🙏💕♥️
I have read an awful lot on the subject over the last 9 years. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him. At the end, he terrorized and terrified me. My son still has anxiety, but won’t talk about it. He believes it is me who caused it. It sure may have been my strong reaction to his actions.
We were together 20 years. As soon as the Dr said I would never fully recover from an illness, he wanted a divorce. The terror began.
I am working on inner healing and peace right now, but finding that myself, since I am not able to find someone to work with here, who has experience in counseling after narcissistic abuse.
I had truly lost myself. My friends nor family understood and just kept telling me to “get it together, stop feeling!”. I suppose they were traumatized also. AND, I can finally see that my sis, whom I have never understood, may also have quite a bit of those tendencies. I’m not there yet, but finding more peace than ever in my life.
So many thanks to all who call it what it is, and educate us.
You got off lucky. He stormed out. He could have thrown you around like a rag doll, or put you in a corner and started hitting your head, smacking then striking your face, laughed with intoxicated pleasure at your pain and fear before raising his fist again. Once you’ve really seen Mr Hyde, [and I would NEVER have believed my husband of 17 years was capable of these behaviours until I was lifted off my feet and hurled against a wall], you will lose this thirst for justice. You’ll have touched the cold dark. You’ll have seen the abyss. You’ll just be so goddamn relieved to be rid of him. I will say, I still enjoy the odd conversation with Dr Jekyll [we have a son, one who is totally oblivious to the above]. It’s truly like two completely different people, and there is a reason why I stayed with the man for over three decades. Everyone loves him. He’s a delight. Right up until the moment he’s not. And when he goes back to being Dr Jekyll, his apologies are abject, self-abasing, and so s/hallow as to prove devoid of meaning. He barely knows that other side of himself. I understand your thirst for justice. Take a portion of the money he would have stolen from you and pay for the education of a girl in a developing country so she can be her own fully realized woman and get free of some narcissistic overlord: pay it forward. Consider yourself lucky to have learned who he is earlier rather than later. Burn him in effigy, make a voodoo doll and stick hot pins in it, whatever you need to move on, but forget about justice in the traditional sense. You came up close and personal to Darkness and lived to claw your way back into the light. Glory in the miracle of that.
Tracy Ann – I know you are right. So right. He’s shoved me a couple times and thrown me off him only once but in just 2 years…I can see the escalation easily to what you describe. He was married for 17 years (to someone else of course) and I truly feel for his ex wife. She wants NOTHING to do with him yet he still tried to use her, and others, to triangulate. Sick. It’s all sick.
It really is like two different people!! I worked with him for 3 years and never saw a whisper of any of this. And of course, none of our co workers did either and they don’t believe it. Honestly, I wouldn’t either if I hadn’t personally experienced it multiple times and even then there have been MANY moments where I have thought it’s me. I’m the monster.
Paying it forward is a great idea bc A he would hate that and B I’d do anything to protect others from this. It’s the most insidious thing I’ve ever seen. The stuff of movies.
Amen to everything you said. Seriously. And thank you so much for taking the time to comment and help shine the light in all this darkness…
Hi KT,
It is so true, if we are not aligned in True Self narcissists just keep smashing us.
For all of us sweetheart we were all hooked in, until going within, and healing what we needed to.
This is where NARP comes in http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
This is where your sanity, peace and power can come from, very quickly.
Sending you love, strength and healing
Mel 🙏💕♥️
So I have been in a relationship with my Narc for almost 6 years. We were engaged at one point. I have left him multiple times over the past 6 years and 2 years ago I packed up my house 2 of my children and travelled almost 3000 kms and 3 states to escape not only him however a whole world of hurt. After I had left he went through my garbage bin and found out where I was. He posed as a Police officer to the receptionist where I was working and made contact that way. I thought he sounded better remorseful and loving like when we first met. We got back together it lasted maybe 12 months. I packed his belongings up put them in a storage shed and asked him to leave😔Not my proudest moment however I thought I was doing the right thing for myself and my children. He left and came back 3 months later saying he still loved me and things would be different, I shut him down and out however I still loved him very much. No contact for almost 3 months then he sends me a message saying he had moved on with some-one else my heart broken into a million pieces💔💔Contact started again however it was negative this time nasty, cutting, posting stuff on FB every weekend of what they were doing. Every Sunday he would send me a message or call and ask if I was okay, still tell me that he loved me and always would, however having a relationship with another. That relationship failed and yep you guessed it he came back to me told me we would be okay and we could work things out. That lasted a few weeks then he was actively on dating sites. Me yep I was discarded in true narcissistic fashion. He is having a sexual relationship with 2 women now and still says he is not in a relationship with anyone but himself. Apparently these women are okay with that sort of casual whatever it is😠 I know I have to let go and I am better than I was I also know that it is an addiction. NARP is helping and I am getting better and stronger however I still battle with breaking that connection. So KT I understand what you’re talking about 100% I love him however I know I have to let go for my own sake💔💔💕
I was there, two years and going on three years of madness and insanity. I lost my health, finances , relationship and almost lost my job. When he knew that i figured him out, without me telling him anything, he started to shift the blame on me. I think he went through my computer and phone history and saw that i was watching and reading a lot of stuff about narcissistic personality disorder. So, he wanted to get ahead of the game by throwing me under the bus through saying that i had a disorder, i lacked empathy, i was a sociopath, i used him, made his life miserable, i was evil, i was mentally unstable… Basically, i was him and he was me. This one was hard because not only he said it to me but then he started a disgusting smear campaign to any of his friends, my friends and even family. It was hard because , like you i so wanted to have him accountable.
So, i did it the quantum way. I went within. I realized that everytime i wanted accountability and challenged his lies, things only got worse. In a way he was feeling better and enjoying life and i was angry and miserable for being so wronged and lied to in this way. I so, wanted everyone to see him clearly but i couldn’t because they all knew his charming side and only knew of me through his smear campaign.
I went within. When he would send me messages of accusing me of being a sociopath, narcissist ect, i would reply with a simple ‘Thank you’. This threw him of balance in a major way the first time i did it. Then the accusation got even worse, and i ignore them and whenever appropriate i responded with a ‘thank you’.
This was the beginning of his unraveling. He tried many other things but they no longer got to me because i was returning home to myself and was becoming whole by myself. He literally went insane and left town by himself. He even had a fallout with his best friend who was the manager f his smear campaign. He was devaluing me and destroying me as a tactic to to get closer with a friend of his who he deemed had a lot of money and high networks, he moved out and went to stay with his friend. The same week he moved out to his friend, the friend had a fallout with his girlfriend of 12 years and they separated. A few weeks after that, we come to find out that the influential friend who was deemed to have so much money and connection was a fraude. He had been lying to my ex the whole time and was even a more advanced narcissist where he had everyone in town fooled that he owned several houses in town, vacation homes in France, came from a diplomatic family and went to private ivy league schools his whole life, had a Phd…
He devalued me because i was too normal for a prestigious life he was aspiring too (even though he lived for two years on my dime, bank account, and everything), and came to find out that the prestigious life of the friend was all a fabrication and industrial sizes of lies. Just like his entire life was supported by me, the so called friend was lying to everyone while in reality he had no money at all, no education, did not come from a family of diplomats, and lived basically on the back of his then girlfriend.
So, this is how powerful my quantum effect was. My ex unraveled, his smear campaign unraveled and now he and his best friend have become enemies because he is pissed off that he believed the lies. I think perhaps for the first time, he had someone who outsmarted him with even bigger lies.
Then the hoovering and begging me started again and continues to this day. But, i was so far away on the quantum field where bullshit and nonsense simply cannot reach me. I still am there, and sometimes i look at the stories and smile deeply inside of my soul for i am living a truth that no one can comprehend. My quantum effect also helped the then girlfriend of the lier. My advise to her was to look within and see where she had been lying to herself. She went on to her own inner journey of healing and now she is so happy and grateful. Not only i healed and saved myself, but my quantum effect also helped in pointing her to the right direction.
So, say thank you everytime he insults you, go within and heal yourself, give up the fight for justice because you will never win against that. Go to the quantum level not to seek vengeance but to come home to yourself. ANd the rest will be history. And it happens fast ! All of this happened within a few weeks.
Thanks Melanie . I will never know how to thank you. I bless the day i found your video on youtube. I am grateful. Sending all of you love and blessings from the quantum field.
Hi T S,
That’s powerful and brilliant that he lost all ability to get to you, and unravelled.
This is what happens when we turn inwards and heal – no more wounds of ours for them to abuse us through.
Our coming home is everything.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕♥️
I love your story, thanks for sharing. We all have our ways of healing. I have chosen to forgive and not hate my ex because he already has so much self-hate, he doesn’t need my hate. He came back as a friend, and we email on occasion. I know eventually our communication will fade as his supply network continues to grow- He knows I know what he is. I love him still and my last communication to him was telling him that I wish him nothing but love, happiness and peace. I feel great and good things are happening! I am almost there, 90%….I am close!! Honestly, remaining in contact with him as I learn more and more about this disorder has really helped me heal, I have brought my own closure.
HI KT,
You are on the right track signing up to Melanie`s master class. She will open the doors wide so you will understand what you are up against.
Narc`s take all conflicts to the next level, in sync with what you do. They have no empathy for you. Become a NARP member and rise above it all.
Trust Melanie…you are in the best hands possible
Ocean Breeze
WJB
Been there. Did the bulldog thing. Just about killed myself in the process. He never budged. Everything played out just as you described. When a new man came into my life, and I discerned that he was a narcissist, I bailed immediately without reacting to his negative treatment. Done with that crazy -making stuff. Moving on… Couldn’t have done it without you, Melanie❤️
Sara your evolution is so great!
Well done!
Much love
Mel 🙏💕♥️
Everything you mentioned is absolutely right on. I’ve been no contact since November 2017, much thanks to you. He was continuing to stalk me and although I know my focus is to be on my own inner healing, I decided to move across the country. I’m continuing to focus on my self and uncover my old inner programming and can honestly say I don’t think I ever would have done this if not for his abuse. Thank you for being by my side for the past two years Melanie❤️
Hi Susan,
That’s so great that you have reached this level.
I’m so thrilled you turned inwards to your true self and power with NARP.
You are so welcome.
So many continued blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕♥️
Mel you are an angel on earth. Thank you so much fit the words of wisdom, love you bunches
Awww Janet sweetheart,
Thank you for your lovely words …
Love you muchly too.
Mel 🙏💕♥️
Agreed!
Hi Melanie, how do you get away from “needing” something from the narcissist when you require child support from him to live… I’m struggling with 3 kids and a mortgage and my ex has now quit his job so he doesn’t have to pay child support (his way of trying to force me out of the family home because I won’t be able to afford the mortgage without it) it’s like I’m fighting a losing battle no matter what I do. I had him removed from the house with a DVO because of his violent behaviours due to alcoholism. That was 1.5years ago and I’m still battling with the narcissistic cycle. I’d love to do no contact but can’t because of kids and the mortgage. I feel like I’m never going to ever be free from his control. I’m at a breaking point. Surviving only for my kids. I can’t afford to pay for everything without his financial input. And he knows it. I feel like we are heading towards homelessness because we live somewhere too unaffordable. I have no family to turn to. His family are very wealthy but will not answer my phone calls because he has turned them against me. I just don’t know what to do.
I was going through a divorce with a narcissist and ended up having another narcissist hit on me at work. I of course did not know he was a narcissist at first. I caught him in lies & he would get mad at me for not believing his lies and twisted it all into something I had done wrong. So he he knew my ex was a narcissist so he always told people that he looked really good to me cuz I was use to living with an asshole narcissist. Well come to find out……he is worse then my ex. Thank God he helped me get out of that relationship & I never had kids with him!! It would have been devastatingly horrendous! A counselor I had been seeing pointed out to me that he was a narcissist but I didn’t say anything to him. So towards the end one time I was with him I saw a girl had sent him a message in messenger. I didn’t say anything when I was with him but later that day I just calmly started asking him who it was…….he would totally avoid the question. Finally he answered that it was a ling time friend who respected his jealous girlfriend. He said would have shown me the messages but that was the straw that broke the camel’s back because of my snooping. I said, you told me that no girls were sending you messages. I said so there is nothing to snoop for. Then he ended up changing his story I don’t know how many more times and he wanted to know if “he should give me another chance?” I totally ignored his comment cuz I thought…..REALLY?? You give me another chance?? What an arrogant ass!! So about a week later he is threatening to block me and I said…..go ahead! Well I kept texting him things I wanted to say & he would still respond back. So I had sent him a saying I saw on Facebook & it had to do with narcissism. He responded back…..so now I’m a narcissist? I said, I’m not sure & it’s not any of my concern anymore & he could read up on it. I was just telling him things I needed to get off my chest even tho I knew it was over & it would do no go. It made me feel better. But then he said again…….can you tell I blocked you? And I was just finishing a message to him so said what I needed to say and sent them and said again I didn’t care if he did but it was a lie……he had not blocked me. So then I blocked him from texting & on Facebook & messenger. So do you think it was wrong that I did share that saying about narcissism even tho I was planning on going no contact?
Hi Joan,
For all of us in toxic relationship there is nothing healthy for us in regard to any communication.
There is only one thing to do, pull away to heal our inner wounds that get us wrapped up, involved and still trying in these disastrous relationships.
No one Joan, can grant you inner love and peace, other than you – it’s not his job, and you cant force him to.
That necessary healing is between you and you. That’s what these people are teaching us.
Mel 🙏💕♥️
Hi J,
My heart goes out to you, and please know there have been many people in the community struggling in severe coparenting situations like yourself – who now are empowered and creating abundant, safe lives for themselves and their children.
I promise you that it is totally possible.
Please J come into my free Masterclass in a few days time so that you can deeply anchor into how to turn this around.
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/masterclass
Sending you hugs and hope
Mel 🙏💕♥️
Thanks Melanie. I have signed up. Hopefully I can learn what to do next 🤞🏼
Well, you can get a second job and let him take care of the kids.
Unfortunately him taking care of the kids has never been an option due to inconsistent behaviours with mental illness and his alcoholism. I tried to work and rely on him having the children but he let me down again and again. And that was when we were in a relationship… I have been a sole parent the entire time – even when we were a “family.” …. paying for childcare is my only option because he is not reliable (and often in a state of being incapable of caring for them safely due to prescription medications, drinking or the affects of his cluster b personality disorder and depression). Perfect example of his behaviour…. last two weekends he has asked to see the kids then just disappeared…not shown up, not able to be contacted or if he makes contact he is severely intoxicated and aggressive.
Dear J-
I understand what you mean. I had to get out and move away. It was scary and I thought I had nothing but found amazing angels in my path. If you are in the U.S. start by calling The Hotline 1−800−799−7233 (thehotline.org) for helpful resources in your area. He wants you to feel helpless and maintain control. The alcohol makes it worse but it’s not an excuse or reason. Help yourself. It won’t be easy, and may require sacrifices and effort, but your children AND you are worth it. Protect them from learning that and repeating the cycle of abuse. Empower them by seeing an empowered mama. If you have a DVO the family courts need to come up with a way to facilitate for the children. Please let them! Safety first. I’m praying for you.
Thank you JP. I’m in Sydney Australia… unfortunately one of the most expensive places to live. My children have grown up here with their friends and to take them away would be traumatic (plus the laws here do not allow me to take the children away from where their father lives and anywhere I could possibly afford would be breaking that law) my mortgage is less than the rent around this area but still too high for me on one income. Unfortunately the law is so much in favour of “equal rights for each parent” that it makes no difference whether it’s a domestic violence situation or not. Plus, because I own this house I’ve been able to secure it in a way that we feel safe from him when he is on a drinking binge with bars on windows etc whereas in a rental those safety modifications cannot be made…
narcs are so scary! We must be strong and believe in ourselves so we can do what we have to for ourselves in order to heal and become the person we were always meant to be.
Thank you Melanie for telling it like it is.
Hi Lynn,
You are very welcome.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕♥️
I’m getting off now! Hooray! What a joy!
“”””RUN””” DON’T WALK TO THE NEAREST EXIT BEFORE IT’S YOUR DEMISE THAT WILL OCCUR .DON’T DOUGHT OR GIVE A SECOND THOUGHT THAT IT WON’T . IT DOES , JUST AS SURE AS AN ABUSER DIAGNOSED WITH NPD. OR NOT IS NOT CURABLE . EVEN IF THEY ARE LONG GONE IN TIME AND SPACE . YOU STILL HAVE TO RESOLVE YOUR OWN FRACTURES . EVEN IF YOU WERE EXISTING LIKE A DEER CAUGHT IN THE HEAD LIGHTS OR YOU FEEL LIKE AN EMPTY CORPS . ” ‘I’ AM GETTING OFF THAT RIDE ” — AS A RESULT OF N.A.R.P…… THANK YOU MTE . THANK YOU MELANIE TANIA EVANS. AND COMPANY OF COMMUNITY ” WRAITHS ” FOR E V E R Y THING HAVING IT ALL FROM NOW ON TOO.
Hi William,
You are very welcome. I’m so happy for you that you are freeing you.
Mel 🙏💕♥️
I would love so much if you would address the in-laws who are dealing with their child and grandchildren (who are 4 and 2 ) who are mostly being kept away from them by a narcissist spouse. When a visit is ‘scheduled’ by the child’s insistence , the spouse ignores us and tries to make it apparent that we are not acceptable. It is very uncomfortable for everyone and seems so wrong. I don’t even know what to think about such a strange situation. It is so tragic because the narcissist has all the control. Unfortunately my child walks on eggshells the whole time and I don’t think my child knows what they are dealing with. Help!
Hi Susan,
I certainly will consider doing something like this in the future.
In the meantime this is probably the most apt resource I have https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/is-my-adult-child-a-narcissist-when-helping-them-is-hurting-you/
I hope this helps.
Mel 🙏💕♥️
Great article Melanie!!
How can you apply this to a toxic boss and/or toxic work environment? With it not being as easy to find jobs these days, do you just leave to get away from the insanity or stay even though you feel like you’re losing more and more of yourself while being there? Please advise….
Hi Tiffany
Thank you! If you Google my name + workplace you will find the resources I have created on the topic.
I hope this helps!
Mel 🙏💕♥️
You hit it right on the head. My narcissistic, physically and emotionally abusive ex-wife has gone to great lengths to tell her family that it was in fact me that was abusive. Being that they love their daughter, they have taken her word as gospel and I am now the Anti-Christ. They shun me at every pick-up and drop-off of the kids, without any regard for the emotional toll it takes on their grandkids to see Daddy treated like a pariah. It is a double-whammy of abuse: now that I’m no longer being punched in the face for things like asking her to not leave her dirty dishes in our bed, I get the added bonus of being made to feel like an abuser myself on an almost daily basis. Narcissistic abuse is truly a mindfuck of epic proportions – try to limit your contact with these demons and their supporters by any means necessary. It’s tough when you have kids together, but try as hard as you can. Also be sure to be nice as pie to them and their relatives, regardless of how they treat you. This drives them nuts, and is the only small victory you can hope to get with NPD fuckheads.
Hi Doc, Yes, it is epic. For me, as time goes on I think that was the worst of it, and it’s “over”. He’s being so nice and accommodating so I think, finally, we can just move forward and be civil and polite for our nearly grown kids. Nope, he’s just reloading his gun. The funny thing is (peculiar, not haha,) given the amount of shifting I’ve done, I feel nothing when he texts me. Nothing being in his company. I initially react to his b.s., but it doesn’t consume me anymore. I’m much more able to let it roll. If not, I work my modules. In short, for as long as we are having to interact, i.e., lifetime events, I just take it for granted there’ll be some sort of ka-ka to deal with. In other words, I acknowledge, accept and adjust. Sometimes it’s not easy letting go. Esp. when really nice people you thought you had a decent relationship with go no contact with *you* because people feel the need to ‘pick a side” in a divorce and you’ve been out to be the boogie man, so “tag, you’re it!”. In this latest incident of min, I simply responded, “Expected and understood. Be well.” Oh well. It’s not like I would spend the money to travel three time zones to see these people/make them my “vacation” anyway. So whatever. I can’t defend the bombardment of “spin” and complete fabrication “about me” to waste my breathe or 1’s/0’s, on a very “x times removed ‘relative'” on his side. So I’m letting go. (I’m writing about it, so evidently haven’t let [it] go just yet. I guess this means I have a blessing to attend to. ) :0)
Hang in there.
Namaste
I’M GETTING OFF NOW!
Hi,
I am pregnant with the child of my new age narcissistic ex boyfriend. He is from my hometown on the east coast and He has since created a scenario that got him thrown out of his mother’s home while we were in our hometown after finding out I was pregnant… And this allowed for him to have the exuse he needed to leave me to go back out west to continue his lifestyle of playing music for money on the street, selling marijuana, while living on the streets, or in his car. He spent months in close contact, saying he was going to raise this baby with me promising to come back, he began his discard phase shortly after, first by spending weeks trying to convince me to make an adult video for him with another man (he is into those things) going from I love yous to severe threats to me and the unborn child , put downs, button pushing, telling me I should kill myself, I finally gave in about the video and he immediately sent it to my whole family and his family and friends…I later found out he had met another girl very quickly after getting a vehicle out west who he cheated on me with, and she stole his car (he makes very poor decisions) and this forced him to live back on the street. He had told me that a male friend of a friend stole his car at the time. He then met another girl living on the street , while he was living on the street, and immediately got her pregnant too. Since he met the first girl, he has been nothing but a nightmare to me regarding our child, and since the second girl it’s been worse…him trying to get me to send him money to support the carefree, hippie lifestyle of himself, and his newly pregnant girlfriend, the put downs and the fake attempts at being a decent person… I’ve considered placing the child up for adoption because of his narcissim, and as hard of a decision as that would be to make I want the child to have two loving parents. He won’t let me place the child up for adoption, he says he wants the child if I don’t, it is not that I don’t want my child, it is that I care for his future. Since my options are slim… How do you co-parent with a narcissist? I am certain he knows I have him figured out and I am concerned for the child because of that.
Please help,
Thank You
Brittany
Do YOU want to lose your child just because of his father is? It would be hard to be a completely single parent but many of us have done it. My only advice would be now you have seen who he truly is and what he is capable of – don’t try to co-parent – just make a decision if you are able to be a lone parent. I spent years trying to keep the door open to my sons father (just in case they could have a relationship) but in vain. I since found out more stuff he hadn’t told me. But I knew 100% I would be mostly going in to parenting alone whilst still pregnant and I accepted and accomplished that. Only thing is I now see my dynamic with son is affected by his narc genetic traits (from both his father and my father) and my epigenetic wounds and trauma from this life that still need more healing. The road is not easy for you ahead and can be lonely – but can be very healing and fulfilling if you see it as an opportunity for personal growth. Just don’t expect your Childs father to grow with you and you won’t be constantly disappointed. Cut him out completely if need be – even if you have a boy and think he needs his father – doing it earlier and go no contact might save yourself a lot of stress.. My sons father is also a flaky, homeless musician who smokes a lot of cannabis and relies on the next woman in his life to depend on.
Wish you the best with making the right decisions for you. Get your boundaries and ground yourself and feel your own truth. X
Hi Brittany,
There are many of us, myself included, who have successfully single parented incredible children.
What value is any parent in a childs life when they are this damaged?
Your child is so much better off with just you. You need to let him go, take the steps to heal and create boundaries for you and your child’s life, so that going forward, you, your child, and your children’s children have safe, healthy lives where none of the previous will ever be their reality again.
He is your catalyst to really get onto this for you and your ciold, if you decide to keep the baby.
Sending you clarity and heaming
Mel 🙏💕♥️
The hardest part was letting go of my need to repair the damage that was done to me. I know now that it will never be repaired or replaced. I’m working now on forgiving myself for allowing it. Forgiving them is another matter. I don’t want to accept the energy rolling into repeat if I do.
Hi Autumn,
Yes that one is a big one … and so essential.
Autumn it’s so interesting but not freeing ourselves from the chains of not forgiving (in other words healing and letting go of our trauma) is generally why we repeat yet another.
Plus we stay stuck in the effects of the trauma indefinitely.
I’d love you to join me in my free Mastercless to deeply understand this, so painful relationship cycles can end in your life.
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/masterclass
I hope this can help.
Mel 🙏💕♥️
Wow! This is breathtakingly powerful and exactly describes the situation I was in. Just to see it so intelligently and perceptively described is an incredible comfort and relief. Thank you Melanie. (I eventually managed to break up from a narcissist, in total bewilderment at what on earth had happened to me over 20+ years but now going through the hell of divorce from someone who of course will not or cannot compromise or empathise. But at least I am not having to live with him anymore – that privilege now belongs to a family friend who of course he selected to impose maximum hurt on all of us but she is welcome to him!)
Hi Katy,
I’m so glad this resonated with you!
Sending you healing and love with your situation.
Mel 🙏💕♥️
I’ve gotten off, & staying off! Melanie, so grateful I found your site. There is really no one out there who hits this all right on the head! 2nd Divorce, same man….27 years….Long ride, huh? Much Love to you, as well as all you other Thrivers… so honored to be a part of this incredible group of people! Peace.
I’ve gotten off, & staying off! Melanie, so grateful I found your site. There is really no one out there who hits this all right on the head! 2nd Divorce, same man….27 years….Long ride, huh? Much Love to you, as well as all you other Thrivers… so honored to be a part of this incredible group of people! Peace.
Hi Renee,
Love and cheers to you sweetheart.
Mel 🙏💕♥️
It’s a good set of ideas, and certainly if there are not children involved, just leave and go far away and become something new somewhere else. Sadly, for many of us, even if we divorce the narcissist, we cannot get away because our children are caught in the drama and in the legal mess. So many people step in to assist the narcissist, and there is not much that can be done. I suspect the challenge is worse if the narcissist is a woman or otherwise appears historically disenfranchised, as this makes a good fit for the rescuer/victim role of those who want to help the narcissist, not knowing what they are doing. Thank you though Melanie. You are guiding us in valuable ways.
Hi Person,
I know this traditionally was the case, but it doesn’t have to be true!
Please know there are many people in this Community, who have taken on my Thriver Healing processes who are parallel parenting, without trauma or trauma symptoms, very successfully with narcissists.
I promise you it is VERY possible.
The NARP Program grants them that level of power, boundaries and necessary detachment to fully create their lives for themselves and their children.
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
It’s my highest recommendation for any parent, for them and their children, to investigate what NARP has to offer.
Please know you are welcome, and I would love to help you take your life to the next level.
Mel 🙏💕♥️
Mel,
Its been 3 years since I’ve found your program shortly after leaving my last narc. I vowed “Never Again!” and through the up leveling and shifting found as a result of your Quantum Program, I have not once looked backwards with longing remorse. My looking back is only a reminder of the depth of self-awareness and transformation which doesn’t have to take very long…sort of like glancing at the rear-view mirror when driving to ensure that everything is still safe and all is well in your surroundings. Instead, I am driving forward with great views through a clear “windshield” in my life…no rose colored false beliefs to hinder my journey forward. I’m still writing my memoir as I mentioned in my episode on Thriver TV a couple years ago. As a result of my own shifts in awareness, I found my writing voice to be from the heart of discovering my soulful self versus any stance of victimhood. I truly cannot express in words how transformational the Quantum NARP Program has been for me and I am eternally grateful for the freedom I have found as a result of your endeavors, Mel. Thank you, thank you…!
Hi Christine,
It is so lovely to hear from you!! I’m thrilled that after healing with NARP that your life has gone from strength to strength.
Please know how welcome you are. It’s made my day to hear for you, lovely woman
So much love to you.
Mel 🙏💕♥️
First of all, I would never tell a narcissist, he is a narcissist. While he was home, my daughter told me that I was there, but not there. Too ill to do much of anything! I never tried to fix him or tell him to heal. I tried to be a good wife, the best that I could. He ends up in a medical building, out of state. A situation arose that I almost died from. For maybe almost a year, he was my best friend, but it didn’t last. I did tell him to get checked out for leaky gut. If that is what it was, he would feel better. As I grew stronger, I would not allow him to talk down to me & that is why I left him about 15 months ago. He tried t get me back & I needed to talk to him about his insurance, so I spoke to him. One nice conversation & then the same ol’ same ol’. I told him, “If you don’t stop talking down to me, I’m leaving.” Of course, he didn’t stop & I left him. He is maliciously slandering my name. Now, my son-in-law is trying to steal my identity & so is my eldest. They want the money & he would gladly give it to them, which would be illegal. Slandering my name & it’s working. Trying to steal everything. Been on the phone over 70 hours in a little over 2 weeks. I was broken into 3 times, almost 2 more times. Someone came to my house posing as the health care. When, she was out the door, I was on the floor & went unconscious for 7 to 8 hours. Some people think she over dosed me. Almost got me evicted, so I had a talk to the apt. office. I want nothing to do with them. I was told they are practicing mind control. An ambulance asked me “Do you want me to beat him up?” I told him, “No, I’m not vindictive!” He told me, “I would ya know.” I live with my doors barricade & I went out & brought a life protection mobile. Where I go it goes. One push of a button & help will come. This is no way to live. I’m sick of it & now, his brother started asking where the pension is. All 3 of them do not need money, but I do & they don’t care. I never want to see any of them again. My daughter went to a bank posing as me trying to open up an account, but she wasn’t allowed thank God. But, the bank that told me, won’t tell me which bank!! People love aiding the people these creeps are trying to hurt! So sick of living like this!!!!!
Well you could have knocked me over with a feather. I almost fell off the chair reading this. This exact scenario play out just days ago!
He’s been worming his repentant self ever so cleaverly with the goal of moving back in because he misses me, loves me, and…this is his home. He pays the bills and I can’t stop him. I can’t leave…I have horses here and many other animals on this farm. It is also my solace.
Well he made the unilateral decision to do just that! Without a conversation. Oh, but the holy spirit guides him. It did trigger me massively. I spilled all my knowledge of him. And now I make some sort of concessions attempting to delay him moving all the way back in or he will just do it. To complicate it worse, he was diagnosed with systemic heart failure. He doesn’t spare using that as an in road either. 18 yrs Wed. He’s been a narc for 50 yrs. Hiding under a Christian mask. Its complicated for me. I am healing in spite of it all. And the death of my very close young grandson 3 yrs ago. I stopped giving him grade A supply after that and he went after my daughter, the mother of the grandchild, her only son. Rear ended. He was in the backseat. The lid came off for me then. Presenting me with opportunities to heal all my lifetime of woundedness! I know husbands talk is cheap, but when he looks like a cadaver from a failing heart, says the sorrowful words it is nearly impossible to stand my ground. He was a textbook full fledge narc. His parents damaged him insanely. His bro and sis as well. He’s diagnosed with ptsd and on disability for it. I feel enraged at what I’ve suffered by his emotional abuse. Trauma bonding me. I’m not heartless, but know I can’t risk allowing him back to do it all to me again. And he will, I’ve noted the patterns over 18 yrs. My health has suffered greatly. I had ptsd from living with him before my grandbaby died. What he did to my daughter was criminal. Add to that fact that she is childless and traumatized by that loss, also abused by men her whole life and it really gets sick and twisted. I’m at a crossroad. I live only in the present moment…I can manage fine as long as he’s not here. All morose and repentant. He can put that act on sale…I’m not buying. But my situation is unique. Financially and spiritually.
Hi Lea,
My heart goes out to you.
Sweetheart from what I have experienced personally and viewed over the last ten plus years, is that if our soul is not valued above all else… we have all the reasons to stay … and yes they are big reasons, but not as big as honouring our soul.
N-abuse is such am experience of having to lose it all to get it all.
I have seen women get this lesson, walk away with nothing, to shelters, who are now living incredible Ives.
There is such a powerful truth in this Quautum Law – when we honour our True Self (soul) then all of life starts to as well.
As well as ‘what we choose to stay in, is all we will get.
Please know I do know how hard it is for you.
I’ve lived it. I had to let go of everything I thought was my life and start again. If I hadn’t I wouldn’t be alive today, or Thriving.
Sending love and healing to you and your daughter. Truly Dear Lady, for her to get out of her abuse patterns may need you, as her Mum, to lead the way.
It was certainly like that for all of our children.
Mel 🙏💕♥️
Thank you for your amazing work Melanie!
I have seen so much improvement so far. Recently, I no longer felt anger toward or the need to expose my Narc parents. Both are narcissists they are twins in every way possible! At first I thought my mother was the victim, but she has been abusing my younger sister and it became clear who she really was. She always made it seem like my father was the issue, and he is (a selfish Narc), but she was more covert in her approach. They had me fooled. I struggled all my life because I did not have a proper sense of self or my true identity. I had no dreams! They would not allow it. They made sure I and my siblings have low self esteem, no confidence and would consistently criticize every thought or action I found the courage to speak out loud or do. They systematically silenced me. Because of this I would seek validation for every decision from them, to be safe, which kept them in control. I am now 38. To add fuel to the fire, throughout my life, I kept attracting people who were identical to my parents (bosses, coworkers, friends, boyfriends) and they would easily manipulate and use me. I was so codependent and enmeshed. Now for the first time, I can be my own person and live my life.
My only concern right now is my younger sister, she is 28 and is living in absolute hell. All my other siblings moved away, including me, so she is getting the full brunt of the Narc rage. I explained the strategies of narcs to her so it’s up to her to cut ties and heal when she is ready. She thinks she is going mad, but she still loves them. I wanted to save my sister so badly, because I did not want her to have my experience and waste more of her life. However, I am so happy that I learned that I can only save myself and that has reduced my anxiety so much. I went no contact many times, but each time I went back on speaking terms with my parents the abuse and disrespect would get worst. I never call, I do not respond to text messages unless I have to. And finally, I accepted that I will not have the family everyone else has, and that’s ok with me. As children we never felt loved. They only had one intention for us, which was to use, manipulate and control us in every way possible.
But now I get to discover my true identity, continue the healing work and I am so excited for my future!
Thank you again for helping others to heal, thrive and live the life they deserve!
Yes, you are quite correct, I too have had to accept that I don’t have the family everyone else has. I went no contact with my narc mother about 18 months ago. She also ran a massive smear campaign and my brother took her side (she had always put him on a pedestal). I walked away from all of this at the age of 47.
I do not know how it took me so long to see all of this.
I ran and am now free.
I have the most wonderful husband and realise how lucky I am as I too previously had narc boyfriends (repeating those patterns).
Thank you Melanie as I continue with my own journey with my husband and daughter.
You are very welcome Sam.
Much love
Mel 🙏💕♥️
Hi Robyne,
Its wonderful that you have broken away and are healing and claiming your true life.
Much love to you and your sister. You are setting a beautiful example for her to follow.
Many blessings to you.
Mel 🙏💕♥️
Yes yes yes … I lost all family when I went no contact with father…. Best thing I ever did. 3.5 years of Narp and my life is transformed. So much peace… So much curiosity about more layers I discover… a dramatically different nervous system…. And I want to be alive everyday 😊 do the inside work… 100s of hours of it… Do do do it. Nothing else matters but how you feel every moment… So many people have commented about how clear my energy is now, how warm I am now, how approachable I am now… It’s all thanks to making the decision that I matter. What is often seen as a selfish act by others when you totally dedicate yourself to healing is in fact a catalyst for their permission to love themselves too, in all the silent ways they need. Omg give your little inner child a hug and don’t let go… She is my barometer 💕
Hi Vikki,
Awwww what a beautiful post.
Keep shining lovely lady!
Mel 🙏💕♥️
Melanie, I cannot thank you enough , Also do not have the words that would fully express what you have done for me. It is two and a half years of no contact with my daughter . My life is so peace full . No dramas , more money , better health, to much to list, but I know you know what I am trying to say. all I can say is THANK YOU ,THANK YOU For giving me myself back. I no longer have the confusion , blaming myself , [ OR her] still love her but it is a live and let live love . also finding it easier to say no to some people and not feel selfish . I know I am not fully there yet , but oh boy , what a big change from two and half years ago. I thought because I am in my 70,s life was over , because of you it is just starting. It is easier now to understand that I cannot protect others from her , she has become worse as she ages. If only I had you in my life 30yrs ago ,understood what was wrong with us both when she was younger. I know I did not help her by trying to always keep her happy and being scared of her , No longer beat myself up any more . God bless you for what you do , You have saved so many lives. lots of love to you Meanie ,and all who are healing and thriving because of what you do.
Dear Mel,
I left the 12 year marriage a little over a year ago. I walked away from everything, beautiful home, vacation home in the woods, security. But it was never worth the emotional price I was paying. If I hadn’t worked your NARP program, I’m not sure where I’d be now. Life was a total devastation. After reading your articles for years I finally had the courage to leave. His last rage sent shockwaves through me for almost a year after I moved out. I felt numb, like I would just fall over and die from the pain of it all. I walked every morning before work and listened to the modules religiously. Today, the divorce has been final, I’ve completely changed my last name and have just purchased a home. My life is peaceful and happy now that I am free from the abuse. I could never repay you for being the light you are in this dark pain of narcisstic abuse. You have really saved my life because I didn’t know how to go on until the Universe brought your work to me. Forever grateful
Hi Jen,
I adore that you honoured your soul.
Dear lady that is so gorgeous that you broke through. Look at you now …
I am honoured and humbled to help you come home to yourself with NARP.
All my love,
Mel 🙏💕♥️
Hi Jan,
Please know you are very welcome.
Awww Jan I am so thrilled for you beautiful lady.
How gorgeous for you to spread the love, and so much back to you.
Mel 🙏💕♥️
An inspiring article and I am beginning to understand the concept of quantum healing.
The part I am not so clear on is how you stop relying on the narcissist for anything when you are financially dependent on them. I couldn’t manage without the maintenance my narc ex pays. He is also supposed to help with the cost of childcare (as set out in a court order) but the order is sufficiently vague that he is able to mess me around. So I have to keep trying to get him to agree to terms, which of course he doesn’t, and so I’m giving him plenty of supply in doing this but I can’t afford care for my children whilst I am at work if I don’t.
How does not replying on the narc work in this instance?
Hi Jude,
Thats great!
Okay Jude, have you looked at NARP?
The reason being is because when you shift the limiting beliefs regarding what is triggered within you (your fears and painful issues) things start to shift in life that will support you.
Truly that is the only way I know of to change circumstances,is to change our inner beliefs to change our life, and to take our power back from narcissists.
I have seen time and time again people in your situation, through the inner work, either become self generative or be so detached and empowered that narcissists start falling into line.
What is so true that when you are triggered the narcissist will not comply – that’s the phenomenon of narcissistic abuse.
Thats what NARP powerfully addresses – the releasing of the triggers, false briefs and empowers within.
Sending love and breakthrough to you
Mel 🙏💕♥️
I’m getting off NOW!!
Thank you Melanie💛
I’m getting off NOW!
I’m getting off when I’m ready to. It’s in my control now. When the house is finished 16 years of crap will finallly be released. I feel nothing, I owe him nothing, he is nothing. I will take what is legally mine and he will no even enter my consiciousness. If you spend 16 years trying to destroy someone and they bite you in the ass, you’re the only one to blame. Maybe treat the replacement better yes??
Great article Melanie!! How does this apply to a toxic boss and workplace? Do you just leave the job? Please advise……
I’m getting off NOW! 🦋
I AM SIGNING OFF !!
I AM GETTING OFF NOW !!
Hi Melanie
I don’t know where to start with my situation with the Narc. I married him 8 years ago and he was the best thing ever. Iam a foreigner in the US living here as a permanent resident but Iam not a citizen yet. He quit his job in the US and came to join me with the kids in my country. We were going to be apart for a short while but he was able to travel to see us at least four times a year, he decided to quit his job. We lived in my country for about 7 years where the whole burden of supporting our family which includes him and our two boys was on me which was really tough on me. He unleashed the most evil side of him which included cheating with our housekeeper where he contracted an incurable STI which I eventually got, doing major renovations to our house without me agreeing,advertising our home for sale without my knowledge, chasing me away from our home and denying me access to our children, isolating me from everyone who cares for me literally, the list is just endless I could write a book. Its been a rollercoaster of nightmares and through it all he has never shown remorse, not even once! The problem is we have two children an eight year old and a 3 year old and I’ve been horrified of losing them. Iam not a US citizen and am African and I was scared that he would take the kids and leave for the US without me and I will never have access to them. We have since relocated to the US with the children and we currently stay with his mother, punishment for me for refusing to sell our home in my country which he claimed we would have used that money to buy a house here. See, I was scared that should a need arise for me to go back home I wouldnt have anywhere to stay so I will continue refusing to sell. I wouldn’t want to go stay with my mum or my siblings because they’ve been telling me he is no good.Now that we are in his country, Iam not fooling myself that anything has changed but I feel trapped with no way out. Ive been watching your videos and I have learnt a lot including the fact that I can never be his saviour. Iam so disappointed that my life came to this, I could have had a rich fulfilling marriage but I realise that this was never a marriage. Im grateful though that Iam woke and I know exactly whats going on. I just don’t how to get out. I feel so helpless. I have been trying to slowly take my power back. I go to the gym everyday, I make jewelry which I sell online because I haven’t been able to find employment, Iam learning to paint where I will sell my art but I feel its not enough for me not to be dependent on him. Most times I feel lost.
Hi TTD,
I am sorry that you are going through and feeling like this.
TTD my highest suggestion is always going to be NARP.
This is what have learnt so succinctly through my own and so many others personal journeys.
Many of us ended up in situations that seemed hopeless and helpless. The reason we have stumbled into this terrible reality of our life is because subconsciously we have traumas and beliefs that match it.
It’s not until we go inwards and address those, that anything can shift.
When we do this work, that is when inspiration, possibility, power, strength and even miracle emerges.
This happens every day, frequently, in the NARP members community http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp including people with children in horribly stuck and dependent positions.
You reason is because,The Field is always positioned to bring us our highest and best wholesome fulfilled life, we just have to release trauma and reprogram inside and then, everything starts to change.
It’s an absolute Quantum Law.
TTD, my heart goes out to and I hope this makes sense.
Please also Google my Thriver stories to get inspiration from the women who were in similar situations who did break through.
Much Love to you and your children.
Mel 🙏💕♥️
I am not a native English speaker. I struggle with the term “so within, so without”. Does “out” mean “outside”? Because if I translate directly, “without” means that something is not there. Does that mean that something in side is not there? And why “so …. so”? Is this a proverb or a metaphor? I am sorry. Dear Melanie, your articles are so great, but this “so within, so without” seems to be a very important concept of what you are teaching and I would really like to understand it. I feel I am missing the really important part by not understanding this term. Thanks!
Hi Rika,
I am sorry this has been confusing for you!
Yes you are correct ‘without’ in this case means your outside world.
And ‘within’ is your inside world.
It really is that simple and I hope this helps!
Mel 🙏💕♥️
It does. Essentially inside = outside. I was confused because of the double meaning of “without”. Thanks for clarifying.
Hi Rika and Melanie,
I too struggled with the saying “so within, so without”. My mom’s voice kept overriding “without” as in “go without”. It was such a block for me. Then, as is usually the case, Melanie’s blog arrived in my in-box and within it was a quote which I am going to share with you here:
“The feeling proceeds the event, always. I am the quantum creator.
If I can’t feel that something is real and possible in the universe inside of me, then it can’t appear in the universe outside of me. So within, so without.”
In other words, you have to come to a calm and accepting place in your Self; wherein you have thrown it up to God/source/the matrix/the universe. A place where you are simply being your glorious self. It’s not about others’ approval, etc. Your approval comes from you and you love you!
Namaste
xo
Thanks, Nicole, for trying to help and explaining even more.
The entire process just seems so hard. I think I am accepting of myself ….. and then I try to do something for myself and it seems as if the universe is just throwing a fit. For example, I am in the middle of divorce proceedings from my narc. He always manages to not do what is required of him by court, but no one reinforces it if he doesn’t do it. That’s not me doing, but it is hurting me. He has been successful in getting our court dates delayed …. also not my doing, but it hurts me. After his latest delay I felt the need to just get far away and relax and get him and his antics out of my system. So my daughter and I went on a vacation to a Caribbean island. My daughter got the worst diarrhea ever and spent the second half of our vacation there in bed feeling terribly sick. Also not my doing. But I feel I (and definitely her) am getting punished.
I wonder how working on my inner self would prevent these things from happening if all of them are out of my control?
I do understand about self-fulfilling prophecies and self-sabotage, but in the examples above just from the last few weeks, I have just been the observer of what has been happening. In what way would releasing trauma from within have had any chance of changing these occurrences?
Hi Rika,
I’d love you to join my Masterclass in a few days time.
This is a very big conversation, and in the two hours of my free class all is explained.
Join me in it here: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/masterclass
Much love
Mel 🙏💕♥️
Hi Melanie,
Thank you for giving me hope and tools to get out of the murk and become a thriver, through this article and all the resources you generously keep offering us all.
There are several narcissists in my close environment and your article helped me put a finger on this phenomenon that narcissists become even more dangerous when figured out. I wasn’t sure why things were getting worse, the narcissists trying to destroy me or my marriage after and they got that I see through their masks. I am aware of the harm they can bring even if it means destroying themselves, and that they are endlessly contented with their conscienceless self-victimized way, with no intent whatsoever to change.
I wish I could run away from them definitely, but I at this time I can’t; setting boundaries and going minimum contact is the best I can do for now, though I know it is precarious and that the key is for me to become stronger inside. Your article helped me be clear that the next times I will meet them, because I will stand firmer on my ground thanks to my healing, they may try to hurt even stronger; but then it won’t be my problem, I will just keep healing and thriving. I can’t tame the sea, but it helps to know that there may be huge waves en route before getting to where I choose to land! What I am so grateful for about your healing, is that I don’t need to guess what waves will come, I can be confident that my inner work now will protect me and guide me on how to navigate through rough weather when need be.
Thanks to NARP’s modules, I am cleaning traumas and replacing them with healthy cells, trying to listen more to my inner being, and thanks to the help of NARP’s forum, I know that I can go with modified contact when no contact is not an option. I would also like to express much gratitude for your so heart-warming “Keep smiling, keep healing and keep thriving, because there is nothing else to do.” When things get dark, I hold it as a precious light.
With lots of love and gratitude,
LVM
Hi LVM,
It’s my pleasure and I’m so pleased I can help.
I love that you are truly getting ‘it doesn’t matter what waves will come’
Exactly, all we have to do is keep healing and showing up authentically without fear.
Awww sweetheart I am so thrilled you feel so supported by NARP, the members forum and my closing statement.
That warms my heart!
Much love to you.
Mel 🙏💕♥️
We have been married for almost 30 years and at almost 70 it just feels too late to start over. He is definitely narcissistic…everything I read on your site confirms it. Yet he is not AS narcissistic as many others have had to deal with. I have weighed my options and have decided to stay. What I NEED are strategies to help with that decision. No Contact is simply not going to happen at this point. I wish I had found you when I was younger.
Hi Gwen,
Dear lady please know there have been Thrivers start out healing in their 70s and 80s in this community who now are living a beautiful life.
The shifts can happen very quickly at any age when you start to honour your inner being.
Is there ever any limit or restriction on our soul and soul truth? I believe there isn’t, only the one we place there.
I am sorry, I am not the couch who advocates what to do when we stay. But I will say this, if you do stay and empower and heal you- which is always what delivers us a happy, fulfilling life (no-one else can grant us that) then if he is not truly personality disordered, he may rise up to meet you … or you won’t and you will truly decide life will be better without him.
There really is no other options, other than hand away your power and needs to try to minimise his behaviour and continue living in the trauma of that.
Gwen if you are spiritual as I am, believing the soul is eternal, I believe we are all being called to evolve … and we can choose that NOW or at some point on our souls journey … but it’s an inevitable transaction we deeply desire to actualise.
So much love to you.
Mel 🙏💕♥️
Hi Mel, thank you as always for your words of wisdom. I have signed up for your Masterclass next week, mainly because I know there has been toxicity in my 4-year relationship recently ended, rather than full-blown narcissistic abuse. I am acutely conscious of (and sincerely regret) my own contribution to the toxicity of the relationship, to the point that I sometimes wonder if we have not somehow managed to abuse each other, in different ways.
Nevertheless, I have read enough of both your material and others’ to know that it is not the precise labelling (and analysing) of the toxicity which matters, nor even to whom it is mainly attributable, but getting to heal the wounds in the subconscious which cause it.
A month ago I was in the ‘annihilation pit’ which you so aptly describe in this episode. I made a decision to end the relationship and go No Contact. Admittedly this was not the first time, as I have previously gone back after supposedly ending it a year ago. I went back the last time (in October) because she laid a guilt trip on me with her illness. The illness is real enough, but it has been ruthlessly manipulated, together with my past mistakes, to place all sorts of blame and guilt onto me. Now, in final judgement, I am exiled to outer darkness!
For this reason I was very interested to listen to your linked episode entitled ‘7 Things Narcissists Do When You Go No Contact’. Those “7 things” do really strike a chord, especially the “terrible things used to trigger me and get attention”, the punishment, the contempt and the discarding.
I’m looking forward to your Masterclass. Thank you again Mel.
Hi Richard,
It’s my pleasure and that’s awesome you have signed up.
I love your honesty and levels of self-awareness Richard, it truly is your time to breakthrough.
Bless!
Mel 🙏💕♥️
Hi Mel and Thriver Community, In my case my older cerebral covert malignant narc stepdaughter and her cerebral covert malignant narc biological mother – my husband’s biological daughter and also his ex – girlfriend- (my stepdaughter’s biological mother) – they have warped minds, they live in a different reality which is not the true version of reality, they live in illusion, in fantasy. They ruthlessly manipulate and exploit everyone and change everyone’s perception of reality through manipulation and exploitative techniques and tactics, through operating from the reptilian side of their brains the amygdala and using NLP – neuro linguistic programming and hypnotic language, etc…, they invert everything and they have an inversion of everything and of everyone, they have their own false narrative and they try to justify themselves and everything and they are plausible liars who try to make themselves and their own inverted, fake, warped reality narrative plausible, convincing and as a great reliable source for everyone to end up believing them and their narrative. I’m a survivor and thriver of narcissistic abuse – not an antisocial personality disordered person and I have been historically disenfranchised all throughout my life, I’m 34 years old now, my older narc stepdaughter and her narc mother have never been disenfranchised, they’ve always got what they wanted and needed, they’ve always got their own way, the world has given them a living, the world has done their bidding, the world has made sacrifices, etc…, over-compensated, chosen them as their ultimatums, choices, options, decisions, done chivalry to them, validated, vindicated, supported, guided, guarded, protected, defended, loved, admired, worshipped, waited on hand and foot for them, dropped whatever it was that they were doing and came to their every beck and call, pampered and mollycoddled them – that’s what the world has done for them, that’s what the world has given to them, that’s how the world has treated them because they were manipulated, hypnotized by these 2 narcissists and also because these 2 narcissists have been playing the victims and then falsely portraying me as the narcissist and them falsely accusing me of playing the victim, they are doing this through manipulation, exploitation, hypnosis, NLP language, etc…, playing the victim being damsels in distress crying fake, crocodile tears – gaining and playing on everyone else’s empathy, sympathy and compassion and gaining a pity party, then having and experiencing duping delight, etc…, after making everyone a fool – fools. The world has done all of these things, absolutely totally everything, etc…, for these 2 narcs because these 2 narcs have forced, made, coerced, manipulated, exploited, mesmerized, hypnotized the world into doing these things for them. I know that the world does not owe them a living and that the world should not do their bidding because they don’t deserve it, they’re not entitled to it. Their senses of entitlements are massive but, continuously keep on growing bigger and bigger from now onwards because their sense of reality narrative is so warped and their minds are so warped that they have no appreciation or gratitude for what the world has done for them and given them, etc…, already etc…, that they are taking the world for granted, their senses of entitlements have on-going, long-term continuously, limitlessly growing bigger and bigger, higher and higher, more and more, unrealistic, delusional standards and expectations. These 2 narcs are trying to justify themselves and the abuse they inflicted on upon me. My narc stepdaughter is much older than me. Mine and my husband’s marriage and relationship, marital life, personal and private business and affairs between me and my husband have got absolutely nothing to do with her or her mother and it’s none of her business or of her mother’s business. She is not a child, she is an adult. She’s 49 years old for goodness sake!!. My life and my husband’s life are separate from her and from her life. We’ve got our own lives to lead/live, we’ve got our own marital life to lead/live away from her and from her life, she has her own life to lead/live away from us. So she’s not going to be caught up in mine and my husband’s lives and marital life, etc…,. The same also applies for/to her mother as well too just like it applies for/to her. Damn right, too right I’m not associating myself with them anymore!! I don’t want anything to do with them, I want absolutely nothing to do with them. They always are and always will be no longer a part of my life or of my husband’s life or of mine and my husband’s marital life. She may be his daughter and he may be her father but, I am his wife and he is my husband, we are a happily married couple, we’re best friends forever – bff, we’re life partners, partners for life, we’re soulmates, soul mates but, most of all, we’re twin flames, he is 1 half of my soul and I am 1 half of his soul and us together – 2 halves of 1 soul put together make up 1 soul, me and my husband put together make up 1 soul, he is the divine masculine and I am the divine feminine. These 2 narcs are absolutely nothing to me and to my husband and these 2 narcs mean absolutely nothing to me and to my husband. These 2 narcs are living in delusions and in illusions. Everything they have said already and everything they do say is absolutely ridiculous, outlandish, far-fetched and they throw the truth in with the lies to make what they are saying to appear plausible, convincing, believable, credible, true. They are plausible liars, they do special pleading, they do double standards, they are hypocrites, they are full of lies, deceit, dishonesty. They are fakes, frauds, phoneys, they put on airs and graces, they are actors who are always acting, they are always bearing false witness against other people – falsely accusing other people of doing the exact same things that they themselves are doing when the other people are not doing any of the exact same things that these narcs are doing, and the narcs are doing all of these things that they falsely accuse other people of doing – do the narcs know, realize, understand, comprehend all of these things that they are saying and doing, etc…,. Now, they are gaslighting and doing cognitive dissonance on to the world by telling the world that what they have done, are doing for them, what they have given, are giving to them, etc…, is always not good enough and that the standards and expectations have not been met and that the world must work even harder to meet all of the standards and all of the expectations of the narcs whilst at the same time the narcs are busy moving the goal posts goalposts and setting the bar even higher by having bigger standards and expectations and making the standards and expectations more difficult to reach, achieve, obtain, by making the standards and expectations unreachable, not achievable, not obtainable, unrealistic, delusional, etc…, and this is only known to the narcs not known to the world. They gaslight and do cognitive dissonance on and to the world. The narcs justify and condone themselves and the abuse that they inflict on the world.
I’d like to thank you for offering these resources, free of charge as presently I am strapped for funds. I have recently I know now mistakenly have been letting her know that I know what she is. I tell myself today is the day I confront her. Maker explain and accept who she really is, have her apologize and move on. With the reaffirmation that I read in your article I now know all I can do is walk away and hopefully be able to heal myself and forget. Her, thank you once again Melanie Antonia..
I’d like to thank you for offering these resources, free of charge as presently I am strapped for funds. I have recently I know now mistakenly have been letting her know that I know what she is. I tell myself today is the day I confront her. Maker explain and accept who she really is, have her apologize and move on. With the reaffirmation that I read in your article I now know all I can do is walk away and hopefully be able to heal myself and forget. Her, thank you once again Melanie Antonia.. I’M GETTING OFF NOW!!! IN JESUS MIGHTY NAME.
Hi Julio,
Is my pleasure and I’m so pleased I cam help grant you strength and answers.
Mel 🙏💕♥️
I’ve been reading your articles sent to my inbox & this one really hit the cord. I did exactly that. Confronted him when Inrealized what Inwas married to. Went to so many couple therapist before realizing whom I had married. The last therapist told me in private what Ibsuspeceted he is a narcisist, as far as psychopath/sociopath. I realized that ever couple therapy we went to things got worse especially this last one. He even ended manipulating her. And so I quit going with him. I left him for good march this year after several failed attempts in the past. You are so right he had been planning to discard me for the past few years & I discovered what I never thought….multiple affairs. 12yrs of marriage. I’ve sent divorce papers 1 week after I left & went to women shelter. I am completely destroyed as you were. It’s quite difficult to believe that there is a light at the end of this. He was my rock, so I thought. Now I realize he was the rock that crushed me. THANK YOU for all you do for victims of narcissistic abuse
Hi Chris,
My heart goes out to you, and please know there are women who have landed exactly like you have, who make it out to the other side.
I commend your courage and love to yourself to leave under your circumstances. Many people dont.
Chris please, if you haven’t already, come into my Masterclass in a few days time – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/masterclass
I know how much this can help you anchor into the way to get fast relief and start to release the trauma and heal for real.
Big hugs and please know myself and this incredible community are here to help support you through this time.
Sending love, strength and healing
Mel 🙏💕♥️
I don’t want to give too much detail.. how can I get to speak with you on video or phone.? It is regarding family issues .. I guess I’m the black sheep and my sister has probably used and hated me secretly my whole life while my mom unfortunately never rly saw that she treated us differently. I’m ok with that now but there’s a bigger issue.. she has a boy, and I’ve been a huge part of his life so that he grows up knowing his value … recently the family decided I was unworthy and not useful to them anymore and they did the worst.. smear campaigns, and anything they could think of to hurt me and make sure I know I’m no longer welcome, even though they need my help. I am in a financial slump because I had to move away from a dangerous living situation (yes narcissists come in numbers it’s true) but usually, I support them financially , and always would for my nephew who I love dearly . The problem with letting go is I love him and he loves me and he needs me. He is neglected in ways that people don’t see and I only saw from the inside . I promised him I’d always be there . That part crushes me still because I feel like I failed him. And I can’t let go when I promised someone so wonderful I would never leave him. I’m not even in the same town anymore now that they have tossed me aside .. I don’t know what to do and I feel like you’re the only one who will know what to do ! I don’t have any money.. I sleep at friends houses just to try and find a new place but since I receive crime victims compensation to help me move away from the previous danger I was in , I have had trouble getting rented to. No one wants to deal with a stalker . That’s a whole different story. And I don’t seek pity. I need real help. From someone who knows what to do..
My brother in law played me like w fiddle when I stayed with them while house hunting . He talked about getting my nephew away and I even showed him videos to help him work with my sisters disorder, only to have him turn on me and coherse her into hating me and believing I was badmouthing her constantly..
and I lost everything I love as a result and my nephew probably thinks I left him there all alone. He is so much like me and I can’t explain how much it hurts me when he hurts . I have always wanted to take him away from there but the only way that could’ve been possible is if I had been smart enough to put up a hidden camera while I stayed there.. and I was too naive to ever think they would hurt me like this .. or at least to this degree .. but you’re right that’s what happened when I doscovered my brother in law was not like me at all and I told him in a calm way that he understood much more than he let on.. I felt the air change . I was the enemy. And my nephew is alone with parents who are cruel and sick and I am fighting to get back on my feet and losing hope and money and starting to think I will never make it back to where I was.. stable .. how could I let this happen. How can I help my nephew and how can I help myself. Please can we talk..
Hi ICSP,
Please note with a community of over 100k people, I cant speak personally to people other than private clients … or communicate as I can here, or in the more private secure NARP forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
Truly in this situation and every one we may face in our life fretting about others, is we need to heal ourselves FIRST.
You are no good to your nephew or anyone else until you are good to and healthy with you.
My advice to you is this, stop concerning yourself about rescuing others, causing you to drown even more, and face and heal your own wounds .. truly there is no other solution.
Then your life can come together in healthy ways, as well as empower others in healthy ways.
Mel 🙏💕♥️
Melanie, As I healed from two earlier marriages to awful narcs, I became healthy enough to finally find Mr Right (now into 13 years of a happy, healthy, “normal” marriage–yay!). I was on the track to the narc-free wholeness within that you describe and prescribe. My body healed, my spirit soared, and I naturally began “speaking up” respectfully and honestly to safeguard my boundaries with my new inner strength. I made better decisions. I got healthy. Good things happened, including this truly wonderful marriage.
And that’s when my FEMALE friends fled! Each time, it took one event to have a friend cruelly dump me. In each case, all it took was my speaking up ONCE–perhaps to gently explain to her that I was uncomfortable with something that she said or did, or–especially–that I had a need to be listened to as well…. and that friend’s other, evil personality immediately would emerge in unexpected viciousness, and I became an enemy. (It began happening w/ my adult friends right around the time I got remarried, but now I realize it’s been happening since I was a teenager.)
I feel like, well, I finally successfully figured out how to avoid narc MEN but it turns out all my female friendships, some lifelong, some newer, were also with the same type of seemingly split-personality, two-faced, bottomless-buckets-of-hurting-egos as well. One chance, and I got victimized by the classic narc dump that you describe above–trashing me, blaming me, accusing, labeling, etc.–an immediate reaction, like a change into a different (cruel) personality I had not seen before. These are women I assisted through life’s challenges, including bad divorces, severe depression, job loss, etc.–I was always there for them with love, money, meals, babysitting, Kleenex, and empathetic listening 24/7 (yes, an exhausting role). One said I was better than a psychologist and a lawyer getting her through her divorce! I’m so nice…such a good listener…so helpful…so generous…there’s no one like me…blah blah blah, the usual narc b.s. I guess I fell for it and kept providing.
I had no idea that my attraction to narcs included assembling unhealthy FEMALE friendships as well. My heart is broken. I am grieving, I feel naked and alone, I am embarrassed at witnessing these friends descend into such cruelty, nastiness, and rejection that I am newly traumatized by discovering that women I loved so much were just using me and there was no room for me at all.
I am not finding a lot of info on this unexpected aspect of being narc candy. But what you describe here– “when the narcissists know you have them figured out”– we get the same awful response when we finally try to heal, to speak up for ordinary healthy boundaries, in all kinds of relationships in society. Not just intimate-partnerships.
Currently I avoid all social interaction except with my husband and his long-term friends. I wish I had my own friends again but I can’t be trusted to know how to make that happen, I guess. I did not expect this at this point in my life.
Hi Weena,
Please nust know when an area of our life is painful or not working, it truly just means ‘more healing to do’.
Truly … so …have you checked out my inner transformational resources?
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
I suggest them, because then you will be able to find the core beliefs and traumas to release, to go free of the pain of this, open up to generating healthy relationship at this level, and start enjoying that new trajectory.
The shift has to start within.
Lots of love to you.
Mel 🙏💕♥️
I’m getting off NOW!!!!!
I cannot express to you in words how much your insight is helping me. I have been in a psychotic abusive narcissistic marriage for almost 9 years. When I met him, of course he said all the “right” things to me. He played upon my sense of compassion and my relationship with God. In fact, he said that what he was drawn to, was my willingness to encourage others through my spirituality. I didn’t realize it then, but he had been studying me. He was looking for his next victim, and decided I was the perfect one. So many times, he would tell me, I was “his one and only”. What a joke! I never believed him, it sounded too rehearsed. I have suffered multiple beatings, concussions, broken arm, etc. I have had him put in jail twice, for almost killing me.That as well as constant lying about his whereabouts, finding women’s panties in our laundry, hair ties, and lipstick in our home. When I was with him last, he was asleep and I was up, looking at social media he woke up, abruptly, screaming at me that he knew I was going to leave him, and that I had another man (funny because he had many women). He then took a hammer in his
hand and started to attack me. The result was my arm being broken by him. Know what he said afterwards? “I just want to kill myself!” Oh really? You just tried to kill me! Both times he was jailed, all he got was probation! I knew something wasn’t right when he rushed me to move in with him, and soon after to get married. He blamed it all on my insecurity of not wanting to be alone. He definitely capitalized on my fear of abandonment issues, trust issues, etc. Everything you are saying is true about the narcissist. He is the poster child for this disorder. I am now divorced and definitely seeking recovery!
Awww Kathryn,
I am so sorry you have lived through such horrors.
Thank goodness you have survived to this point.
I would love to help you get started on true and deep healing.
Have you come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar yet? That would be such a powerful starting point for you.
Sending you love, healing and breakthrough
Mel 🙏💞💛
I have been a narc relationship for over a year now and I’m getting off all of your reading has made me stronger than I thought I could be he reduced me to almost nothing I was almost dependent on him he convinced me to take a lower paying job which I now love and wouldn’t trade for nothing ,and after the last argument I war done I felt as if my life as I knew it was over where would I find another person who seemed to care as much as he did and I have my faith he plays the good Christian role cause I’m in church and always have been but when the real him came out I found he could hold down a relationship and never miss a beat ,he got fought in many many lies in fact our relationship was all lies.A way to get or gain control he was a good listener and heard what I wanted from a man and plaid the role to the T until we moved in together then God gave me signs but I over looked them I should have left when he beat me so badly I was sore for 2 weeks I looked on the bright side of things so ladies if your from Indiana plz don’t date Darryl Stanley he is a true narc in every sense of the word he would go off as if he were working and do greet and meets with women off the internet as if I were stupid I even suspect he had them in our home and I’m the one to blame I’ve changed my life for the better and I refuse to allow him to take me back to a DARK PLACE IN LIFE GOD HAS BEEN WAY TO GOOD TO ME FOR THAT NO I’M AFRAI TO DEATH CAUSE HE HAS SHOWN ME THE VERY VERY EVIL SIDE BUT I CAN SAFELY SAY I’M DONE BUT I DO WONDER WHAT WILL HE DO NEXT MY FAITH IS STRONGER NOW AND I DEPEND ON IT🙄🙄🙄CAUSE WHAT DON’T BREAK YO MAKES YOU STRONGER
I need help. This man is trying tho make me lose my home. He’s messing with my vehicle. He’s trying to cause me to lose my job. Ive asked him to go but be tells me if I call the police be will give them things that we’ll get my kids taken away from me. I have been living without water for the past 2 months bc my landlord shut it off to get rid of me. The same landlord that told a friend if mine 2 weeks prior that he loved me like a daughter is now turning my water off to force me out. 2 weeks after he met my boyfriend and had him do some work for him. The father of my kids committed suicide a few years alo and im all they have. If something happens to me they have no one. What would happen to them? I want to b out of this nightmare. But how do I get out of this if he won’t go. Ive seen the damaging psychotic things he has done. How do I make him leave if he won’t go? Without putting my kids at risk?
I love your story, thanks for sharing. We all have our ways of healing. I have chosen to forgive and not hate my ex because he already has so much self-hate, he doesn’t need my hate. He came back as a friend, and we email on occasion. I know eventually our communication will fade as his supply network continues to grow- He knows I know what he is. I love him still and my last communication to him was telling him that I wish him nothing but love, happiness and peace. I feel great and good things are happening! I am almost there, 90%….I am close!! Honestly, remaining in contact with him as I learn more and more about this disorder has really helped me heal, I have brought my own closure.
I’m getting off this ride NOW!
This is it. I’m done. It HAS to be!
Thank you, Melanie
It is a dooooosssey getting back to me. And i know i will succeed at be-coming my birthright from childhood abuse of the most extreme and confounding and now as an adult a wholesome full person and not the loss of life happiness and ‘limb’ that was intended by they who will and did commit suicide to save face intending to take everyone else down with them that they could.
THEY = PSYCHOPATHIC-‘NARCs’ . This cannot be more clearly spoken as i say that at a inherent level you know you are in wrongtown as a child but you don’t develope the wherewithal to get out of there from out of nowhere, you simply don’t have the mindspace and you will not develope the neccessary mind space while the abusers are gaslighting and injuring you physically as well. As i did try to leave these CREEPS while i still had feet to do so, the attempt was fruitless. I just had no skill to get out of there and REALLY live. Something you can’t do where you are not wanted by individuals , narc sympathizers and proxy as well that only see you as an object to harm and cast you as the evil doer with character aspersions and of course all the maddening psychological psyche deadening defemation of character Authorities used to further demise and end you. Well this is long and i only wanted to bring another acknowledgement of the fine detail of Melanie Tania Evans NARCASSIST ABUSE RECOVERY PROGRAM Thank you goodbye
Hi. Gosh you just made me realise so much. But it is so hard when I’ve had to deal with a narcissistic son. It had gone on for years but it all blew up in December. Now i signed surety for a lease on his apartment 5 years ago. During these last six months I have received so much abuse and disrespect from him. I’ve just ignored him as everyone told me to do. But…… I have just discovered that he owes a large amount of money for his rent and I am liable as I signed the lease. I then was forced to cancel the lease, but I’m still liable for that money. He was given notice and was told to come in to sign a new lease or vacate by the end of the month. To my utter disbelief he came back at me by saying, “ have you lost your mind! What were you thinking!!” And a lot more! He told me I was dead to him and when I got up and walked away, he comes back at me !!! I am in disbelief! He calls me the mother that was, he wants nothing to do with me, and when I take the necessary steps to get out of his life, he is amazed that I could do such a thing! Huh!! I give up!!! What part of this do I not understand?