Melanie Tonia Evans

Is My Adult Child A Narcissist? When Helping Them Is Hurting You

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 23
52
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

Is my adult child a narcissist? is one of the most devastating questions a parent can ask.

Some years ago, I went through this terrible trauma myself.

In today’s Thriver TV I want to help you realise what is necessary for you to know whether or not your child is narcissistic…

…and how to BE your most healthy and powerful, for all concerned, and possibly able to discover that your adult child isn’t narcissistic and is capable of being respectful and loving.

Regardless of the outcome, there is an even more powerful truth that you will need to watch today’s video to understand.

It’s my most heartfelt wish today, if you are struggling with the agony of your child being narcissistic, that this episode will help grant you peace, strength and direction.

 

 

Video Transcript

Many people in this Community have asked this question.

In fact, once upon a time I asked this question myself.

In Today’s Thriver TV Episode, I want to help you understand whether or not your adult child is being narcissistically abusive and, even more than this, I want to help you understand how you need to BE to help yourself regardless of the outcome.

Please listen up, because I know if this is your situation this episode is going to help you a lot.

Okay … before we get started, I want to remind you that if you haven’t yet subscribed to my channel please do. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.

Let’s get started…

 

What We Thought WOULD Help

First of all, I want to address many of the false premises we often believe as parents that do not help our children in any shape or form.

The main ones are:

That we help our children by giving them all we can to help them.

It doesn’t help!

When we don’t allow our children to experience actions and consequences and disappointments, and by doing so allow them to become self-generative, they don’t have to take responsibility for themselves or get well.

Let me tell you about a father I know called Laurence who had his 23-year-old daughter Emily living with him. Emily, a highly intelligent and capable girl, had been through a lot due to Laurence and her mother’s breakup.

Laurence felt extremely guilty because of this. She lived with Laurence rent free, didn’t contribute any money to bills, and stayed at home all day because she said that she was too depressed to work.

Emily constantly demanded money from her father for cigarettes and her entertainment costs, which Laurence gave her every time she threw a tantrum to get her own way. It could be argued that Emily absolutely was acting narcissistically – the way she talked to her father and treated him was abysmal.

Nothing was changing and Emily did not have to be any different. She had a guaranteed roof over her head and could get pretty much anything she wanted.

Which brings me to the next point…

Our children are never going to be self-generative or respectful and grateful if we try to shoulder them and let them take the easy way out. We may believe that by taking the burden for them we are helping protect them and allowing them to get well. However, really what is happening is that we are holding our children back, just as a mother bird would be by not nudging her babies out of the nest.

When our children have never had to flap their wings and learn to fly for themselves, their self-esteem is diminished and they are held back from branching out, taking risks and growing.

For our children this means that they are likely to be depressed, feel inferior and incapable, and as a result lash out and take it out on the people closest to them.

I went through this too, with my son Zac. Whilst he was depressed, addicted to drugs and stuck at home, with me allowing him to be there and looking after him he didn’t get better. Of course, whilst this was happening I was still lecturing and prescribing – which were my futile attempts to try to get him motivated. It was when I forced Zac to move out at 19 years of age and I started working diligently on myself to stop seeing him as broken and hopeless, that he came into his power and light.

Truly, I was so close to believing he was a narcissist – and yet he is anything but. Rather he was sick and was being enabled by me to stay sick. Also, whilst my son Zac stayed at home, I was receiving the abuse from him that I didn’t yet understand wasn’t my reality.

When I became clear and stood into my power, values and truth for my life, he followed.

 

What Is Necessary When Suffering Trauma From Your Child?

How do you know if your child is narcissistic or not? The truth is you won’t know until you get clear on your own healing, solidness, values and truth.

And I really want you to know this from the very bottom of my heart. If you have an adult child who you suspect is acting narcissistically, you are not going to help them get well or make them start treating you decently and respectfully until you start respecting yourself and take a stand in your truth.

I have seen parent upon parent in this community, as I did myself for a long time too, try to stop the terrible trauma that their adult child was causing them when they themselves (the parent) were still broken and traumatised.

It doesn’t work … I have NEVER seen it work.

I really don’t think there is any time that Quantum Law is more important and more vital for us to get right than when we are dealing with the challenges and heartbreak we are suffering with our children.

Quantum Law is so within, so without.

What does that really mean? It means ‘be the change you want to see’. I think it would be fair to say that we want to see decency, respect and integrity from our children who are hurting us.

This means that you need to be this for yourself for this to show up outside of you as your experience in your experience – from anyone you are struggling with, including your child!

What would decency, respect and integrity to ‘self’ look like?

Let’s go back to Laurence and Emily. To Laurence these things would mean getting money for board and bills, and to only accept non-abusive communication. Also to lay down boundaries and time limits that Emily would need to honour otherwise she would need to move out.

We may not realise at the time that maybe it is our own guilt we are pandering to, or the fear of our children not loving us, rather than thinking about the consequences of enabling our children in their stuckness. Emily wasn’t getting well any more than any of our children do when we leave things the way they are, hoping something will change.

Quantum Law is absolute – nothing changes in your experience that isn’t pleasant until you change who you are being in the dynamic. Laurence wasn’t changing. He was doing the same thing – trying to make Emily change whilst he wasn’t loving and respecting himself.

How was she ever going to love and respect herself and him when he, as her parent, wasn’t being this for himself. She wasn’t and couldn’t. She continued smoking, drinking, refusing to work and contribute, and being abusive towards his father.

Because Laurence was being abused and drained of his lifeforce and resources, he got sicker and sicker. He started drinking as well, to numb out his pain. He couldn’t expand on his business ideas, and had unsuccessful dating experiences, all because he couldn’t be present and healthy in his Life as a result of Emily’s pressure and demands.

This is the deal with our adult children – if we allow them to stay sick we get sick and we drown with them.

There is only one way out and that is to lead the way. And it is only after we do this that we then see if they are narcissistic or not.

In the cases of my son Zac and Emily, they were never going to get well the way things were and neither were Laurence and I. However, I am so happy to report that Laurence and his daughter finally understood what I did.

It was several years after my situation with Zac that I helped Laurence get very clear on what was necessary. This is what I told him, ‘When you know that loving and respecting yourself is the most important thing here, then Emily will have the chance to move up and join you. Otherwise it can never happen.’

Laurence did a lot of work on himself with NARP to shift out of his terrible feelings of guilt and obligation, as well as the fear of losing Emily altogether. Then he calmly and clearly told her she had a month to get a job and that she would need to pay for board and bills from this date on.

She didn’t take him seriously and when the date came, Lawrence told her calmly and clearly to pack her stuff and leave. She called him every terrible name she could think of. He held his ground and did not capitulate. Emily moved in with a girlfriend, who naturally was not going to put up with paying Emily’s way.

Emily got a job in a café within a week. Every time she asked Laurence for money he said ‘No’. Emily stopped drinking and smoking and started saving for the things she needed and wanted.

Today, only three years later, she works as a successful graphic designer in her own business that she loves. She and her father have a great relationship.

When Emily moved out, Laurence said he would hang up or refuse to talk to her if she was abusive – and he did. Two years ago Emily thanked her father profusely for setting those boundaries with her and has apologised liberally for her past behaviour towards him. She loves and respects her father immensely. His door was always open to her when she was being like that!

Emily did a complete 180 degree turn on the way she used to treat her father, because he loves and respects himself.

Absolutely Laurence had to go through a great deal of discomfort and pain – he had to keep holding his boundaries and continually let go of his guilt and his wanting to rescue her. Look at the results – just as it was with my own son Zac. Walking our truth powerfully and calmly, and keeping working on ourselves inwardly with NARP, created the solid healthy inner and then outer template for our children.

Our children often follow and develop into where we go. Emily may have turned out to be narcissistic if Laurence had continued with his own powerless, co-dependent behaviour. As it turned out both he and his daughter ended up being whole, healthy, self-generative people.

Honestly, as parents it only takes us to lead the way.

 

When Your Adult Child Is a Narcissist

I do know many people within this community who devastatingly have suffered a child who is narcissistic. In the case of your adult child being this way it can be terrible, especially if they have children as well. Many a grandparent has had the grandchildren used against them horribly by their narcissistic adult children or step-children.

I want to share with you this story about Jeanee and David whose adult narcissistic daughter Marina was abusing them terribly.

Marina would use her parents constantly for babysitting duties for her four young children. Jeanee and David loved their grandchildren but struggled greatly with their daughter’s demands, accusations, anger and inconsistencies.

Often they went through the gut-wrenching times when Marina would threaten to never let them see the children again. The children, whilst in their grandparent’s care, would tell them what terrible things their mother had said about them. This broke their hearts, especially as Marina expected them to do so much for the grandchildren – things that she wasn’t taking responsibility to do herself.

There was never gratitude, just abuse for their love and efforts.

When Jeanee contacted me, she said that Marina had been difficult all their lives, and now that these four precious babies were in the mix as well it was literally killing her and her husband. I convinced Jeanee that the most important thing for her and her husband, as well as her grandchildren – and even Marina – was for her, Jeanee, to lead the way and get well.

Jeanee worked with NARP, letting go of the trauma within her that Marina was inflicting. She also did healings on her husband and her grandchildren by proxy. Jeanee felt calmer and more confident with what she was dealing with, and saw a bigger picture that she was working towards.

Jeanee started laying boundaries with her daughter, requesting she contact them ahead of time to make arrangements and to end the last-minute demands. And Jeanee stopped allowing her love for her grandchildren to allow her to be manipulated and abused. If they missed a doctor’s appointment or didn’t get to school on time, that was not her responsibility.

At times it broke her heart not jumping to Marina’s attention for her grandchildren, but she understood that often you have to lose the battle to win the war – and she was determined to be the model of love, truth and integrity that she wanted these little ones to become in their lives.

The inevitable happened. With the boundaries she set came Marina’s nasty efforts to rip the boundaries down. That didn’t work and so the next, quite common, thing happened – Marina pulled her trump card on Jeanee telling her she wouldn’t see the children again.

Through a torrent of tears Jeanee shared this with me, and I kept lovingly bringing her back to the Quantum Truth of so within, so without. I said, ‘If you look after emotion first, if you release all of this trauma from inside, the space opens up for positive and healthy change.’

Jeanee got to work, and that is exactly what she did. She got stuck into her NARP Modules daily to keep upholding her truth and strength. A week and a half later Marina contacted her asking her to look after the children. Jeanne responded by saying she would send Marina an email laying out the limits to this – the healthy boundaries Jeanee needed to have respected to be a part of Marina’s life.

Jeanee got an abusive email back from Marina, but rather than reply Jeanee went inwards again to release what this exchange had brought up within her. Two days later Marina sent her an email agreeing to the boundaries.

Jeanee to this day has to walk a determined line with Marina, and has also had to let go of any expectation of having a healthy and happy relationship with her. However, she sees her grandchildren regularly and she and her husband have them during school holidays for extended periods of time, which they love.

The grandchildren are all so much healthier since Jeanee’s shift, and I have no doubt that their grandmother’s dependable, empowered role modelling of aligned values, truth and respect is calling them to follow.

Can you imagine if this hadn’t happened? They would have had even more role models of trauma, powerlessness and victimhood.

 

The Ultimate ‘Lose It All To Get It All’

I remember once hearing the expression about enabling others to hurt us and take from us, is like watering their lawn whilst ours turns brown and dies.

Not only are we not teaching them to be self-generative and inwardly fulfilled, we are killing ourselves in the process. The truth is, if we stay sick and are sick in any dynamic, we are not in a position to help anyone and we only contribute to the toxic sickness.

In Emily’s case, Laurence had to risk her failing at looking after herself and leaving him for good. But something spectacular happens when necessity becomes a driving force – people step up. Something else extraordinary happens when we start to love and approve of ourselves and actualise what that really is in real-time – key people in our life start to love and approve of us unconditionally too.

In the case of Jeanee and Marina, Marina didn’t want to have full responsibility for her children. She needed her mother and was going to treat her as badly as her mother would allow it. When Jeanee no longer allowed that bad treatment, it stopped. More than this – as it is for all of us – when we release the painful trauma of the losses of those and that closest to our hearts, and reach the full resolution of being the example we wish to be, live and see in our world, calmly and lovingly, then we often receive these people and things back in our life.

Gosh, it’s huge. And when our children and grandchildren are concerned it takes everything we have – but what choice do we have when we break it all down and understand the deeper layers of the Quantum Truth of all of this?

If we want to be healthy and have a healthy world, and for our future generations to be well, there is nothing else to do but heal ourselves and lead the way.

So, I hope that this TTV had helped grant you some goals, direction, and power regarding your difficulties with your adult children.

Also please know there are beautiful people in this Community who have had no option other than to let go and go No Contact with their children. We may think that this would be a trauma that would destroy us, yet I promise you that the people working with NARP who have made this decision have been able to get to peace and free themselves to live their full lives. Such is the extent of detoxing from trauma that NARP creates.

It ALWAYS comes back to the same thing – heal ourselves and then all that is healthy can and will follow. We can’t make other people healthy – we can only lead the way by being that ourselves.

Is that clear – does it really make sense?

If so, I want you to write: ‘If my mission is my healthiness, then I inspire all of life in the healthiest of ways.’

If you are ready to make your inner and then outer worlds healthy, for you and your future generations, join me by clicking this link. Today you can start a deep dive into the step-by-step proven formula to make this happen.

And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

And as always, I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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52 Thoughts on Is My Adult Child A Narcissist? When Helping Them Is Hurting You
  • saurabhpatna.ss@gmail.com'
    Saurabh
    May 16, 2019

    Dear Mel,
    This thriver TV episode was really amazing. So within so without is true ALWAYS, even in case of our children. We cannot help anyone if we cant help ourselves. We can lose a battle in order to win the war. Very true Melanie, your bigger picture formula has saved my life and made me a hero. Now I enjoy life and I know that if good happens its very good and if bad happens it is time to uplevel and heal. So win win situation in all the cases. So with my daughter also I know in long run, everything is unfolding in the most divine manner. Thanks a lot fir todays episode. Respecting and loving and healing ourselves is our first n foremost duty everything else will follow.
    Best
    Saurabh

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 16, 2019

      Hi Saurabh,

      Thank you for your lovely message. I love how you get these deeper truths so succinctly.

      I have no doubt that all will unfold perfectly and lovingly for you and your daughter.

      So much love to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • michelle_rogers@rogers.com'
    Michelle
    May 16, 2019

    Thank you for this message today, Melanie. I’ve been struggling with my own adult child for over a year now…she moved out to live with her dad and I’d been “saving her” every week with some new financial crisis. But no more. Starting tomorrow she’s transferring part of her pay to pay off some of the debts she’s left me with, and I’m sticking to my “no more” when she texts she’s got no gas to get from work to her dads. She never comes to see me, never accepts my offers for weekday lunch or dinner, just contacts me to either ask for money or tell me what a garbage mom I am to my adult child now. I guess the 19+ years of sacrifice and volunteering and late nights and early mornings and bed time stories and talks and guidance was all wasted effort on my part, according to her. Makes me so sad, and the guilt she offloads for making me responsible for her irresponsible behaviour blows my mind. I get angry, then sad, then devastated, get over it for a bit and then she strikes again. I can’t have peace.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 16, 2019

      Hi Michelle,

      You are very welcome.

      My heart goes out to you going through this.

      Please do know Michelle it hasn’t been wasted at all. When you make this shift and start empowering and healing you from this pain and disappointment, just like this episode teaches, it is very likely that she will follow.

      Congratulations on taking this stand.

      You’ve got this!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • diane@bowmans.org'
    Diane
    May 16, 2019

    Hi Melanie, thank you for this episode… When I stood up for my boundaries… my narcissistic daughter blocked me from facebook, instagram, my email address, my cell phone number and has not spoken to me for almost two years. She has expressed to my husband that I had hurt her feelings and her feelings mattered and that she hadn’t blocked my home phone number and that she might consider talking to me if I apologized. I refuse to apologize, mostly because I didn’t do any of the things she said I did, but also because I am done saying “I’m Sorry” for everything. I am yearning for time with my sweet grand daughter who will be two next month. I haven’t seen her since she was a week old. I have also only tried to reply to the nasty texts when I can do so with love. and sometimes that took a while. Also, my (adopted) mother is a narcissist as well as my husband. (I have only just discovered this in the last year.)

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 16, 2019

      Awww Dianne,

      Big hugs for all that you have been through.

      I wish for your breakthrough and healing.

      Please know this pattern and trauma can be gone from your life.

      Have you signed up to my free inner transformational resources yet?

      I’d love to show you how this is done – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Much love to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • jenp33@bigpond.net.au'
    Jennifer Price
    May 16, 2019

    Thank you Melanie! That was really wonderful and helpful, as always.
    Sometimes I feel I have to dig very deep to find the strength to keep moving forward with NARP. But I also know instinctively how valuable it is. Your videos (you) help so much. And the topic is always spookily timely :-). Thanks again.

  • angelsone@sbcglobal.net'
    Dorothy Small
    May 16, 2019

    Dear Melanie,

    Synchronicity once again strikes.

    I just dealt with this yesterday with my adult son and his wife.

    I have been working diligently on releasing my energetic patterns related to trauma and abuse. If I can’t give this to myself I can’t lead the way,

    It is an answer to prayer. I asked to be the mother they need. However, before that could happen I had to be the mother I needed.

    Mine died in February 1960. This May 25th I will be sixty-five. Since my mother died and my father walked away I missed out on what love is. I truly thought and felt that love was buried on the day she died. My adoptive parents provided physical needs but due their own deprivations couldn’t provide love.

    I coasted on the energetic memory of my Mon’s love. Looking back she most likely was codependent married to my Dad who was most likely narcissistic.

    I had to let go of what I learned love was and learn to love myself releasing old patterns.

    Has it been fast or easy? Nope.

    But your way of approaching this is right on, it is absolutely the only way out.

    God bless you,

    Dorothy

    • flowertherapy@icloud.com'
      Val
      May 16, 2019

      Dear Dorothy, heavens above! You’ve been doing the “Master Class” in this life journey…with everything you’ve lived and turning “ straw to gold”. Thank you for sharing, I’m uplifted and inspired by your amazing courage and grace,. May blessings be with you. xo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 16, 2019

      Hi Dorothy,

      That’s wonderful this was timely for you.

      I love how conscious you and what you have written.

      I’m so happy for you that you are healing you.

      Much love to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • turtleot@sbcglobal.net'
    Catherine
    May 16, 2019

    Thank you so much!!! This was very helpful!!!

  • melodyquick@hotmail.com'
    Melody Quick
    May 16, 2019

    An excellent TTV episode. I signed up in NARP at the beginning of April 2019. My first healing was to my inner child, whom I myself had abandoned, and left lost for decades. I found this experience very emotional and profound. To that comment it also scared me. Thank you for the reminder that I need to finish working on healing myself first! I will start working on Module 1 again. I hope that I can still access it.
    To continued healing! Thank you Melanie!
    With Kind Regards,
    Melody

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 16, 2019

      Hi Melody,

      I’m so glad this resonated within you, and you are going to recommit to the inner work.

      NARP now has a whole new powerful upgrade to Version 3.

      Contact support@melanietoniaevans.com to get your free upgraded version.

      Blessings and breakthroughs to you!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • luciloo999@gmail.com'
    Mary
    May 16, 2019

    Hi Melanie,
    Thank you for this episode. My ex-husband and I were so busy working all the while our children were growing up we hardly had time to enjoy them. We ran 4 businesses plus I worked outside of the home part-time. My husband is a high achiever and definitely a textbook narcissist. My daughter has his personality from an early age. I worried for her (now 26) for many years now. She is also a high achiever but has always been disrespectful towards me primarily. She mirrored his disrespectful manner towards me and he loved it. My husband and I are divorced now (2 months) after I found he was planning his future with another woman (1 year ago). To my surprise the first thing she wanted to do is move in with me. I set boundaries with her and let her know that her previous behavior would not be acceptable in my new home. She has overall shown much improvement and I am finally able to have mother daughter conversations with her. She is moving out next month into her own place, but not very far away.
    I think in a way my daughter has always respected me, but actually wanted me to respect myself more than I had previously demonstrated while living with her father (28 years of marriage).
    Its hard when the power person in the home is narcissistic. The children seem to either capitulate with the narcissist or pick a side to emulate. This is really very tough stuff to go through for everyone. It isn’t until you get away from it that you realize how really severe it was.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 17, 2019

      Hi Mary,

      Please truly know that yes it is hard, however we can be the healthy, solid consistent role model that our children gravitate to.

      Love and truth are powerful forces.

      Blessings and love to you and yours.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    • ewc@shaw.ca'
      Joy
      May 19, 2019

      Thank you for sharing your insights, so helpful. I agree that it is only later that we can recognize the severity of the situation.

  • katjababei1@gmail.com'
    Kathy
    May 16, 2019

    Thank you so much for this, Mel.

    I don’t gave this problem with my children, thank goodness ( not for my narc ex-husband’s want of trying!), but you described perfectly the behaviour of one of my adult siblings.

    Could I ask, Mel, should our response to a sibling behaving in this way be the same?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 17, 2019

      Hi Kathy,

      Absolutely it is exactly the same.

      Boundaries, and self love and respect is the only way regardless of who the person is in our life.

      Wishing for you your power and healthy truth.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • pob2@outlook.com'
    Pauline
    May 16, 2019

    Hi Melanie, you seem to show up in my life at the most appropriate moment, I am ill at the moment and struggling with my adopted son, I always thought until reading this that we would never have a mother son relationship but now I feel differently, I always put up with his bad behaviour because he had such a difficult start in life, I haven’t seen him for over 10 years, we have had contact through the internet but he has been very abusive and I have had telephone contact where it has all been about himself, he never once asked how me and his dad are, he is now suggesting that we meet up, proof of that me doing the inner work is working.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 17, 2019

      Hi Pauline,

      I’m so pleased this was timely for you.

      The inner work is the most powerful path for sure, and I’m so happy for you and your husband and son that seems to be working.

      Keep honouring and healing you and what is the truth for you will fall into place.

      Lots of love

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • carolinecottrell@aol.co.uk'
    Caroline Cottrell
    May 16, 2019

    Hi Melanie. That was very interesting. Any advice would be appreciated – my adult son who is 28 is married to a very damaged lady and they have 2 children. He is very weak and will not stand up to her. Keeps saying I can see the grandchildren but it never happens. I am not allowed to know where they live – apparently it it is nothing personal, she doesnt even let her brother know where they live apparently. I am able to see him at work and pass on cards/presents now but it makes me very sad. Every time i mention the subject he is very evasive. Only contacts me when he wants something. I am wondering whether my best choice now is to not go and see him for a time and work on myself. I just get so sad when I see him. the last straw yesterday was finding out he had been to a high interest loan company to borrow some money. His stepdad and I had been willing to lend him the money which would have included him repaying the £1000 he already owes me. However in order to make our loan legal we needed an address. He went to a loan company rather than stand up to his wife and allow me to have the address. I feel that I have a son but yet I don’t.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 17, 2019

      Hi Caroline,

      You poor thing, this is so heartbreaking!

      Yes Caroline, I would 100 percent pull back and heal how you feel about this.

      And with NARP once completing uplevelling your trauma about this, you can also do proxy work with him – your son – and see him coming into his power and higher truth.

      Incredible things can and often happen as a result of this work.

      I wish you relief, healing and breakthrough with this.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • atokenichols@gmail.com'
    Alex Bass
    May 16, 2019

    Thank you, that was really good.
    I would like to do your free 16 day programme, but I also wanted to ask you to confirm that some time ago I believe I paid for your quantom freedom programme, but wasn’t sure how to get it/download it? I need to get speedy recovery/healing from Narc parents, mother in law, husband who I am in the process of starting to divorce.
    Please confirm best way forward from here.

    Many thanks.

    Love, Alex Bass

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 17, 2019

      Hi Alex,

      I’m so pleased you enjoyed this!

      Alex please email support@melanietoniaevans.com and one if my lovely team can sort this out for you.

      That’s so great you are ready to do the work and heal you.

      Sending blessings and breakthroughs

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • maria.karuvuori@gmail.com'
    Maria Karuvuori
    May 16, 2019

    Pay attention also to narcissistic parents who shower their child with gifts, favors and money, only to accuse them of being abusive behind their backs. Like my Foster parents did. My father actually has put money on my account uninvited even though I had previously mentioned the possibility of getting a restraining order on my mother. I even considered changing bank accounts.,
    I would be extra careful in spreading anyone’s one-sided story when you don’t really know the people or the particulars, but of course you know this, as an abuse survivor.

    • maria.karuvuori@gmail.com'
      Maria Karuvuori
      May 16, 2019

      Also, I would like to add that I grew up in a home where either a) my mother is the type of person who would lie to others that her husband (and possibly me) has threatened her life and held her at gunpoint or b) my father actually threatened to kill my mother. I have proof and other witnesses. So I think it is fair to say that I grew up in a narcissistic environment.

  • maria.karuvuori@gmail.com'
    Maria Karuvuori
    May 16, 2019

    I feel like I’m living at the centre of two competing smear campaigns right now and I’m just trying to get rid of both of these narcissists or groups of stalkers and get on with my life.

  • maria.karuvuori@gmail.com'
    Maria Karuvuori
    May 16, 2019

    Hi, yeah, sorry – one more thing. I also have proof of my Foster mother trying to ply me with a bicycle at a time when I was looking for a second-hand bike to buy. I had not told her that I was looking for a bike of course. I also have received other attempts from my mother to lure me with pleasant memories or free stuff after I had gone no contact. I believe this is called hoovering.

  • suethody@btinternet.com'
    Sue Thody
    May 16, 2019

    Absolutely spot on. My daughter is 35. I have no contact with her. It’s taken over 20 years to understand what’s been going on. My marriage of 35 years ended. Our daughter is given money from her father, who is scared of her threats of suicide. He/she turned on me. I had a breakdown 20 years ago. My ex telling her and brothers I had inherited anxiety genes from my family. All my fault of course. Her elder brother has been used and now understands what’s been going on. My other son saw it ages ago and looks after me. Grandchildren also, she used them against me. Fortunately I never involved them. I never complained or explained. My ex has similar tendancies. Both have mentally abused me. I am 75 and my health is compromised. To chronic pain and depression. Although this mental abuse has been going on for a very long time. It’s the last 7 years my health and Spirit has almost collapsed. I struggle every day. I meditate, NARP, has helped my understanding. At the moment depression and fear, is overwhelm. It’s taken a long time to get where I am and I’ve plateau d. Haven’t a clue what to do. Started in childhood the lack of self worth. Being Empathic too, it’s hard really hard.

    Love Suex

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 17, 2019

      Hi Suex,

      My heart goes out to you, you have been through so much.

      Suex myself and the Thrivers in the NARP Forum would love to help support and guide you further with your NARP healing journey.

      Please know you don’t have to struggle alone. Can you come into the Forum with us – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member ?

      Also if Suex you need help to connect or get going in the Forum one of my support staff will be happy to help you – support@melanietoniaevans.com

      Love and blessings to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    • vance.helen@yahoo.com'
      Helen Vance
      May 17, 2019

      Suex. I was so surprised to hear that there is someone else my age – 74 – going through life in a very similar situation. I haven’t seen my only daughter since 2006 and I don’t know my two grandsons. I also have depression and chronic pain. Please know there is life after suffering mental abuse. I have been able to structure my life by doing daily devotions, journaling. I must admit that I struggle with doing the modules. I take baby steps and read about narcissistic abuse to try to understand what happened to me. I also have discovered I am an Empath. It’s a lot to take in and understand and being patient is not my strong suit. Best of luck and love to you. Helen

  • Robyn.margaret.64@gmail.com'
    Robyn
    May 16, 2019

    Hi Melanie
    Thank you for this video. With Mother’s Day having just gone I fell into an old pattern as I was reminded of how my narcissistic adult daughter had cut me off from every type of contact with her and her two children. I haven’t ever seen my grand daughter who will be four this year and her older brother since just after his first birthday.
    After my marriage broke up she sided with her dad and blamed me for many things she felt weren’t right in her life. She happily moved me out of one house (we lived partially overseas) and then tried to move me out of another. When I refused she completely cut me off. I felt terribly guilty and tried to explain the trauma and fear I was going through at the time. The only correspondence I have received from her since has been to accuse me of being controlling and narcissistic!
    I was always the blame taker and when the marriage finally was over (because he had another affair and again blamed me) the whole family ended up completely fractured.
    She has also cut off everyone connected to me including my mother (she keeps very minimal non-direct contact) and two other children, who have no contact like me.
    I am working on myself and finding a whole new life but still feel the pain when I can’t even share anything with her or my grandchildren. How can I include her in healing ‘by proxy’ as you mentioned?
    Thanks as always
    Robyn

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 17, 2019

      Hi Robyn,

      You poor thing, that is so painful what you have been through.

      Healing work by proxy is a more advanced part of NARP which in the NARP Forum we will be very happy to help guide you with.

      Are you already in the Forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member ?

      That guidance will help you a lot.

      Sending you strength, healing and breakthroughs

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • Robyn.margaret.64@gmail.com'
        Robyn
        June 7, 2019

        Hi Melanie
        I am not part of the forum but keen to try to do this helping work by proxy.
        Can you please direct me on how to get started.
        Thanks for all your messages and insight.
        Kindest regards
        Robyn

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          June 7, 2019

          Hi Robyn,

          Please know this specialised work does really need the guidance of the Forum, as it is advanced work which had a need for responsible implementation with high integrity.

          It’s not information that is placed out amongst non NARPers, as it is third party work, which can impact the healer as well as the absent person if done incorrectly.

          The NARP Forum and personal clients are the only places this training is shared – to look after everyone’s energy and wellbeing.

          I hope you understand why I make that call.

          Mel 🙏💕♥️

  • Mal_Ols@hotmail.com'
    Malin
    May 16, 2019

    Dear Melanie,

    Wonderful video, so Powerful!

    My question for you is; When I want to heal someone “by proxy” – What healing statement can I use?
    I am specifically thinking about Mondule 12, but of course, I’d like to use any mondule that would be appropriate!

    Thank you so much!

    By the way, I never commented on your last video, but wow, that one was also really good. So many great things to work with!
    My favorite videos are the ones when you share new healing statements, not only are the statements great, but also they do help to further explain how free and creative I can truly be with NARP.

    All the best.

    Warmly,
    Malin

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 17, 2019

      Hi Malin,

      I’m so pleased these videos are helping powerfully guide you.

      Healing by proxy work is more advanced NARP process that needs a specific set up and integrity around it and this is why I don’t like discussing it other than in the NARP Forum, so that it is safe process for all concerned.

      Would you like to come in and we can take this conversation deeper?

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      This will help you and get you going in this process.

      Lots of love

      Mel 🙏💕💕

  • earthdev.2048@gmail.com'
    Janette
    May 17, 2019

    The timing of this is amazing, I’m in a hot mess of cognitive dissonance, my lovely girl is expecting her first baby any day now. She has returned from abroad to have the baby, where she can be surrounded by supportive relatives & enjoy the wonderful countryside around where we live. I offered for her to come here, her hubby will continue to work abroad & might not be able to come to be with her when she gives birth, so she has asked me to be her birthing buddy, which of course I’m delighted to be, making myself available to her for some time before & after the baby arrives. As I’ve already mentioned I offered her to come & stay with me, for the duration but she decided to stay with her N dad & stepmom, which means that I get to see her occasionally but that she is spending the majority of her time at her dads place. It’s more convenient geographically, being closer to town & of course to the hospital, where she will deliver her baby. I’ve been told that I will be welcome to visit her anytime she needs me, after the baby is born but her dads behavior is often bizarre & controlling & consequently I’m not feeling like I will either be truly welcome, or comfortable visiting her at his home. When she’s with me, she spends a lot of time complaining about how weird her dad is & how she & her step mom are close because they have to support one another because he is so strange all the time. The step mom left her own family to be with my ex, when our families were broken up because of their new relationship & she took over my children in increments over time, taking advantage of the fact that I was suffering from CFS & was struggling after the shock & trauma of the betrayal I had just experienced. I’ve explained that teaming up with her step mom isn’t very healthy, that it’s not helping her dad & that it’s not up to her to be having to support her step mom, when she is just about to become a mother herself & that it’s up to her dad & stepmom to work out their problems together. The problem is that after I support my daughter with labor & delivery etc. I will then have to leave & go home alone, knowing that my grandchild will be in a place where I cannot easily be present in any meaningful capacity & my daughter doesn’t seem to understand how I feel marginalized & even somewhat used in the situation. My feeling is that after I’ve met the new born & everything is OK, it might be time for me to pack up & go home, ( I also live abroad, mostly because I want to be as far away from my ex & his wife as I can get & all that goes with it.) it feels like I’m being put into competition with the step mom, it always has & even though I love my girl very dearly, I feel that I cannot pay the high price of supporting her for much longer I’m emotionally exhausted & it feels unnatural to be always having to detach instead of being able to whole heartedly bond with my family, when at a time when strong family bonds are so important. It’s been very hard knowing that I will see less of that baby’s first few days than anyone else in the family & I’m tired of feeling this pain. It’s a bad day today, most of the time I try to keep seeing it differently or in a more positive light ie: my daughter needs me & her needs are the most important right now etc. that I should get over myself & just get on with being the best grandma I can be under the circumstances & reframing things as best I can, but I’m starting to feel that there is a negative aspect to this unconditional love malarkey. Much love to you for making this video. Xox

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 17, 2019

      Hi Janette,

      This is a difficult situation for sure!

      Okay there really are only two options and the best choice is the one to be at peace with. Because if we are not at peace then it is an inner torment that unfortunately (and honestly) can infect our most important relationships.

      So your choices are to let go of the trauma of being separated from your daughter and her child after the birth because of the toxic household she will be in …. or let go of the toxic feelings about these people regardless of what they do or don’t do, so that you can be there for your daughter and grandchild.

      Without doing either or those things – and one is no more right then the other – you are between a rock and a hard place.

      Have you considered my NARP Program? http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/NARP ?

      It is the fastest most powerful way I know of to let go of traumatic feelings, beliefs and programs to become a solid source to self unaffected by others or situations.

      If you are struggling to do the necessary letting go to get peace then that is my highest suggestion for you.

      The other thing is, it will grant you full healing and Resolution of all that stuff that has gone down in the past – which in itself is priceless, not just for you but also your daughter and future generations.

      I hope this has helped grant you some perspective.

      Much love to you, your daughter and your future grandchild.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • earthdev.2048@gmail.com'
        Janette
        May 17, 2019

        Thank you Mel, I think it’s time to seek a deeper healing for all this traumatic experience regarding my family life, mostly it was so long ago that I feel quite at ease with what is, but being drawn back in to the old pattern of the difficulties & pain of parenting on a split foundation, has opened up all the old wounds.

  • Herbancoach@gmail.com'
    Laura
    May 17, 2019

    Completely brilliant and so true.

  • judydekuiper5@gmail.com'
    Judy DeKuiper
    May 18, 2019

    Thank you Mel for your insight/plan of action. My husband and I have been working for the last six years on healing
    ourselves from narcissistic abuse from one of our daughters, who chose to go no contact with us after we accepted
    her 15 year old son into our home after he became depressed/suicidal from years of her controlling /manipulative parenting style. She also does not speak to our grandson. He is married now and has handled this continued rejection from our daughter with maturity. Our daughter has involved the other siblings by using them as her “flying
    monkeys”, leaving us out of family events; i.e. adoption of two grandchildren, graduation parties, showers, weddings, etc.
    While we still have contact with the other children, one stands firmly by our side, the pain of rejection has been
    extremely challenging but we have maintained our position of loving parents by not allowing the abuse and abuse by proxy
    to destroy our lives; we encourage each of the children to openly discuss their thinking/feelings/positions with us at
    any time, as they periodically do, and try to reach mutually acceptable conditions/boundaries. Our daughter’s smear
    campaigns against us are the most intensely painful experience and we respond to those without comment/defensiveness
    but alas, it’s difficult to be mischaracterized by your own child. We continue to be “family” to the rejected Grandson; his
    sister will be having a lavish wedding and we are not invited; we were very involved in her childhood and this is a sad
    continuation that seemly will not end. In your discussion you propose that by healing and loving ourselves we may
    experience healing from our daughter and a change in her behavior toward us. However, she has similarly rejected
    other friends and family over the years and it has lasted a lifetime, so we are trying to accept that this most likely will
    not happen, especially as she does in fact display all the classic narcissistic behaviors. We will continue to evolve and
    up level ourselves and remain feeling very blessed with many grandchildren that we are very involved with, as well as
    a happy, loving relationships with each other, friends, and extended family. Thank You for your wise council through
    the many videos you so generously make available.

    Jude

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 19, 2019

      Hi Jude,

      My heart goes out to you with what you have been through with your daughter.

      Truly Jude how you and your husband have handled this is beyond commendable.

      Where my healing program NARP is the most healing is in being able to release and go free from the traumas that have been inflicted on us by others – which in your case is her and all the other damage that has occurred around this.

      Very often this can and does bring significant outer changes to the previous painful events, and even if not so, so much more peace regardless.

      You are very welcome Jude and it’s beautiful that you are so positive and loving with your situation.

      Love and blessings to you

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Margarit72@aol.com'
    Jane M.
    May 20, 2019

    Brilliant and inspiring, Mel!
    Love, love, love 💕

  • Patellicott1990@gmail.com'
    Patricia Castro
    May 20, 2019

    ‘If my mission is my healthiness, then I inspire all of life in the healthiest of ways.’

  • selinahesselman@gmail.com'
    Selina Hesselman
    June 2, 2019

    Hi Melainie ,I am really needing some help and was wondering do you have other ways of contacting you as I am not that greet at tec savvie !!!!!
    Kind Regards

  • ikim1988@outlook.com'
    Irene
    July 3, 2019

    The thing that gets to me is how my parents say I am leeching off of them when I lost my car in an accident, money has been taken from me to buy kitchen appliances and a new grill, and then leaves me stranded and when I try and go back to work to do well for me and my son it is denied. I think it is different if the child doesn’t want to work, cut them off and stop feeding into their lazy patterns. I realized this can be difficult to do. I know everyone else’s situation is different and I am not here to judge but I am here to explain my situation because this can be a difficult thing to bring up. Yet I had to take note of how my parents would smear campaign me, say things I am being lazy, not doing anything to improve when I can’t. When I lost my car in an accident back in 2015 my life went down hill. I have a son to take care of and I lost my job due to my car accident. I had no available transportation nearby so my car was the source of transportation. It was frustrating to deal with when I was trying to pick up the pieces in my life. Instead of being understood. My parents were telling others how much I was burdening them, how much I am sucking the life out of them. When really I can’ t change the situation effectively without the proper help.

    My parents took $16 k of the car insurance money to purchase kitchen appliances and a grill with it when I needed to replace the car I needed. I wasn’t going to use the money for anything. I use to work a lot. Now I am stranded with nothing yet my parents are telling others how I am not doing anything to improve my life. Yet it is such a difficult thing to deal with. I know its frustrating when you can’t reason with people with narcissistic traits you are going through some tough times. When you wonder if you are the narcissist yourself. Yes, narcissists will lie and share some horrendous sob stories. I mean I would literally put my foot down if this was my kid. Except right now he is 3 years old and so far no trouble at all with him.

    Yet I realized how much this impacted my life and how much I am looking at myself and what I have been through and looking for solutions where there is little to none especially when you live in the suburbs. I realized the toxicity that comes from being raised by toxic people you can also create the toxicity in your own children. I know it is off topic yet the question is who is actually telling the truth here? Sometimes you may need to investigate even more to get to the truth of the situation.

    Children of narcissists can turn out narcissists themselves unless they are willing to do the work in them. I know growing up with Narcissistic parents they end up pointing fingers yet when you describe what is actually going on they will find ways to shut down or attack twice as hard. I know with my own folks they will find ways to make it seem like you have the problem or the issues with the parent and child. Yet it is also trying to put responsibility where responsibility is due. I realized based upon what I have grown up with I took on a lot of my mother’s traits (the covert Narc) and the damage it has done in my life.

    I had a video recording which I lost that was saved on my computer to save as proof about my row with my father. Yet knowing how does the outside person looking in determine the truth because it looks all so convincing to side with the father than you. It can be disconcerting to deal with. I realized the damage it does to a person when you want to reveal the truth and yet you yourself seem to be falling into the pits of despair. The anxiety that one feels as well as the angst of the situation. I am not saying that parents can’t be victims too. yet it is knowing to try to find the proof. Exposing it can be difficult. Yet my parents used my terms like Gaslighting, and narcissism against me. I realized what is the point in educating people when it’s going to be used against you in the long run at times. My parents called me Narcissistic and even gaslighting. them. So it is knowing how they can twist things around and turn it against you. Whenever you try and change your life around you want to do better instead of doing better and trying to prove it. It gets sabotaged and people will find ways to say things that they themselves do not understand.

    For the longest time, I was struggling to understand the truth. Yes, I do have some traits based upon what I have grown up on but I have done the work to understand the impact it had on me and needed to change my inner core. Even though it was the hardest thing to do yet my goal is to protect my own son from the tyranny of my own narcissistic folks. I know from the experience I have it’s knowing how to share this information with others.

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