Going no contact with a narcissist, and holding it, is excruciatingly difficult.

Firstly, there are the terrible feelings of loss of leaving someone, and a life, that you poured your heart and soul into.

And … maybe … if we have just tried “that”, or if he or she had done “that” … that it could have worked.

And then there’s the chaotic thoughts in our head trying to see into the future to predict …

What are they going to do next?

Do they miss me, and will they try and win me back?

Have they found a new target already and completely forgotten about me?

Will they take revenge on me for leaving them?

We know logically what the right thing to do is (stay No Contact and strong and get on with our lives), yet in reality, we feel so traumatised, hurt, empty, lonely and confused that we may doubt our ability to make the right decision when the narcissist does “something” or when a powerful feeling of despair overtakes us.

After suffering two narcissistic relationships and personally aiding thousands of people through this critical stage of the recovery journey, I’ve witnessed time and time again the behavior that narcissists exert when people go No Contact with them.

Fascinatingly, most narcissists act in very similar ways, so today I’m going to go through the 7 most common things a narcissist does when you go no contact.

First I explain each one in detail, and then I’ll take you through exactly what you need to do in each situation, for your own health, safety and to bring about the greatest opportunity for you to heal for real from abuse – once and for all.

Regardless of whether you are still battling through this difficult time, or went through it in the past, I want you to know that my heart goes out to you.

The entire Thriver community and I, are standing with you and for you to end the pain of toxic people in your life.

I look forward answering your questions and comments below.


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166 thoughts on “7 Things Narcissists Do When You Go No Contact

  1. This is beautiful Mel! It’s been a long and arduous journey but it’s been worth it for the lessons and up leveling for sure. For anyone out there who is just getting started on regaining their heart and soul back this is the way to the light! Listening to this video I was reminded about a part in the movie “The Wizard Of Oz” when the evil witch flew in and had everyone around her terrified and under her spell except for Glenda who waved her wand and simply said without fear “Be gone! You have no power here!”
    Thank you for yet another amazing video Mel! Lots of love to you and Tiggy too! XOXO

    1. For many a years, I had no idea, what I was dealing with. All the yelling & screaming, I couldn’t even say the sky was blue. Once he got angry with me & our youngest daughter was in the car. He swerved the car across 3 lanes, on a busy road, without looking & frightened the heck out of me & our daughter. There was physical abuse, but for some reason it didn’t last long. I have noticed that whenever I got too strong, he would do his level best to bring me back to my scared lil’ self. He is in a medically building for festering PTSD, they think. He is not here & he can still get to me, but I’m getting my strength back. He, once again, tried to knock me down, but this time he met my indifference!!! I’m not worried what he might do, because when I’m my strongest, he knows he is messing with the wrong person & there is not a darn thing he can do to me!! He called me the other day, as nice as pie. HMMMMMM, this could get interesting!! I’m sitting back, just to see what he does next. If he tries anything else, not only will I go no contact, I will go for divorce!! I had enough of his BS!! I’m so sorry, what you have been through, but you are turning a bad thing into good & so am I. I’m going to write books, on my life, my specialist tried to talk me into it & my eldest daughter is all for it. I also want to go before a big audience to teach how to go through a trauma & not become a statistic, but I’m not allowed, until I’m strong enough to deal with hecklers. You are too sweet, for what you are doing, I swear you eat chocolate for breakfast!!! LOL

    2. What a wonderful affirmation Karyn – ‘Be gone. You have no power here!’ A very useful tool to use.
      Thanks Mel – your work is great xoxo

  2. Hi,
    Thanks for the information. What do you suggest when you can’t go no contact. We have joint custody of our 4 year old son and we have to communicate. He refuses to talk, everything is email and texts.

    Thank you,

    1. Hi JC,

      you are so welcome 🙂

      If you google my name + children + co-parenting you will find a lot of resources I have created on this topic that will help you.

      Sending blessings and healing for you and your son.

      Mel xo

      1. Melanie: Thanks for your articles, which is helping mo the other side of the picture about narcissist behaviour and hoovering,
        as I am prey of a female narc. However, now a days, I am in processing of no-contact too thing let-go.

        One problem, I am facing is, no video run or display which are between your articles. I want to get more on this topic and help the
        other victims through your guidance. Please help me that I should be able to view your videos and learn more. I shall be grateful.
        Arshad SQ

  3. Hi Melanie, looks like I am the first one responding, that’s rare. It’s been a rough few weeks for me so this came at a good time. My Narc discarded me, so he hasn’t tried any of the hoovering yet and actually, he acts like he can’t even stand to be anywhere near me. About a week ago I was uld by an ex sister in law that his grandson had been killed in a car wreck, and the narc couldn’t even take the time to let me know about that. I’ve been his Grandma since he was five, you would think he would have the balls to let me know about that without having to find out just off hand. I did text his Daughter to express my sorrow to her, this has to be so hard losing a child. He was 22. I also texted the narc to offer condolences, and I got a simple, thank you from each of them. That was it. I let my so called best friend know as well, and not once did she ask how i was doing, she let me know they, her and her her husband, were trying to reach the ex and hoped he was ok. So now I even have to mourn the loss of a Grandchild, alone. I know it sounds selfish of me to be thinking about me at a time like this, but can’t they see anything? I loved that boy with all my heart, and it hurts so much and I feel so lost and invisible. And sometimes even the modules aren’t able to quite touch the feelings I am having over all this. I don’t know how people can get through this life and be so cold, but perhaps this will help me in the long run to finally understand myself and not be taken in again. Much love to you, and just know, I’m not going to let this mess up my healing, a step back for a bit maybe, but I think I am even more determined now to be free and find what my future has in store for me. A healthy, happy me, I know it’s coming.

    1. Hi Pam,

      you weren’t quite!

      Please know Pam, that my heart goes out to you – and I deeply know that when any of us are focused on “why didn’t they” then we are rendered a powerless victim to the fact “they didn’t” .. and we certainly can’t make them.

      The most important thing for your health and happiness right now is to release that trauma.

      That is exactly what the NARP work is Pam, that we all took on (as Thrivers) and did to rid ourselves of all the terrible (of course everyone’s stories are different but we all suffered traumas that were very impactful) things that we just could NOT (understandably) get over – because they were things that deeply hurt.

      Yes, the Modules do touch it and release it, when we decide that they will and we are determined to stop living in our head and hanging on to the hurt and are dedicated to freeing ourselves from inside our emotional body instead.

      You know I have so much compassion for you – I just know (from my own experience as well) we have a choice and the deeper inner work always works when we use it and decide “there is nothing else to do”.

      That is awesome you want to be free Pam. You have this when you decide you’ve had enough of the pain – and you know what intention to set … “I want this out of my body now and this has happened “for” me and not “to” me to heal something I have never healed before” and just get down to doing exactly that.

      SO much love for you Pam, and I stand for you, fully, knowing very soon (on this one too) you are going to pop out the other side – healed, resolved and free.

      Mel xo

    2. I’m confused after reading your comment…. the entire comment was composed of me, me, me, and me! If I were you, I’d take a long honest look at yourself and evaluate your thoughts. You appear to be a narcissistic personality, possibly your ex partner is also but unquestionably your self centered- ness points to this conclusion. I have noticed that this phenomenon is quite common, the individual declaring their partner to have a narcissistic personality disorder is actually the one who very clearly displays this personality disorder.
      Addressing the incident, if they wanted you to be involved, felt it was appropriate to include you, they would have. Possibly they felt it best to keep separation. You can mourn privately and dont need the narcissistic drama of drawing all the attention, sympathy to yourself. They have a difficult road and don’t have the emotional energy to support you in this difficult time of their life. It’s not about you, it’s about them surviving.

      1. You are very mistaken! I was involved with a person who I figured out was suffering from NPD and I am not a narcissist myself by any means! That statement you made is wrong, false and you should take an extra look at yourself.

  4. Wow, perfect timing….you described my thought forms post break up…and this makes perfect sense….I was replaced immediately, before I had even moved out. I just had the bizarre random communication from them, a reminder of a Valentines day past…no response from me….Thank you Melanie…what a powerful message

  5. I have been using the narp program almost 4 years. I broke off a relationship with one narcissist to end up dating a second one. It has been 2 years and I can’t break away. I go a few weeks and cave in. I use the programs which helped so much in the beginning but now seem to not provide much relief. I feel totally hooked, addicted, and without the energy to fight it. And the more I try to pull away, the worse his behavior- more inconsistent, ignores me for days, flirts with other women in front of me. None of my friends understand why I don’t just walk away. I want to so badly but he always uses the second strategy you talked about and I finally give in to the random comments. I don’t understand why I can’t seem right clear my issue with the modules. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

    1. Hi Jen,

      I am so pleased you posted and before we step into this more, I want to ask you, Are you in the NARP Forum?” http://www.melanetoniaevans.com/member because there is so much support and guidance there for you with your situation as well as to find and release what is not quite right with your NARP work – to get you out and healed to the next level.

      I suspect the KEY things that hurt that need to be healed for you to get unhooked and away, are the feelings of him ignoring you and flirting with other women (because these are the things you mentioned). These are relating to the deep traumas (even before him) of feeling unworthy of love and not important enough to be loved, or the trauma of other things and people are more important than me. Until you address these things directly with NARP (the core original wounds) – all the trauma he is triggering (and of course hold No Contact whilst working on these inner traumas) you ARE going to remain hooked.

      My heart goes out to you – because those are so many of the things that used to traumatise me the most too.

      Can you come into the NARP Forum Jen, where we can help you?

      Mel xo

      have you been working NARP

      1. I can’t even get to that page. Being a silver member doesn’t give me access to the forum as I understand it anyway? I can’t afford to pay more, since I already can’t afford the silver membership ( but doing it anyway) It’s a bit sad, but we can only do our very best, and trust that the light is still doing the healing for us.

        Lots of love, and thank you for tbis wonderful tool

  6. Act For me, not Against him. Simple formula, but made all the difference, helped me to separate out me from him. Very hard to do initially, but once I realised how much of our relationship had been me acting For him, and then after I got angry, Against him … I gradually got better at being For me in this world!

    1. SO TRUE, Lucy!!! Same thing happened to me, and when I was able to step back just a little bit, I could see that I was doing the work in the relationship for the both of us. Sick. After 10 years with this crap, I’m waiting for the divorce papers which should be in the mail within the next few weeks!! Best of luck to you!!!

  7. So is there a definitive answer about whether the narc can be rehabilitated or change? Or is it flat out that we should remain in no contact forever.

      1. I have a 20 years of sabotage and system abuse issue with my ex ravaging my 4 kids lives I’ve reported him and tried to charge or hold him accountable 3 times and reported sex abuse not following thru at least 5x this era, he drugged me on acid used me for his sick deviant and hostile sex needs and tried to kick me out threw things at me it wasnt even the most devastating incident, that was coercing me to “get out of the way as I alienating him from being able to see his kids where he always did, from my home, I need out if his Way so I drank to pass out and let him watch a movie with my daughter and that is when I also learned he’s watching me for real (he’s said enou5to convince me he is and would live stream it somewhere) and we think oh that illegal but not as much as I thought at least, anyway long story of unbelievable and inescapable abuse. He gets the kids every time because I didn’t lie about the abusive behaviors of him, I didn’t feel I should have had to he pushed me hard like a man and down some stairs and stalked harrassed me to get out if his home Town (I moved to to get away from the one I eventually came back to and have had drug addiction ruin my chances to ever even be heard it turns out) because he comes from a family with money and he cover’s his trail by that, literally was asked why should be him over me by a judge and he said ” because I have lots of family with lots of money and my kids will never want for anything” and he’s beat my son literally beat him previously when he followed me 2 States awayand haz been here stalking coercing via threats if using the system against me to intimidate and condition me to all about him , ” you don’t live me how could you and if your not willing to live love me that means kissing and fucking bitch not just a fake I do love you, figure it out, you wanna lose 1 or 2 or all fucking 4 kids it’s up to you’ and I already had to suck D to be able to check on them when he 4th time got kids because he also got me to relapse on my drug if demise but also childhood trauma I only got thru because of drug, then he reports me and has repeatedly pretended to be a neighbor and make some wild audacious false reporting. I did and in extremely traumatic times of desperate hopeless and defeated submission, I use to self medicate and be able to seduce him Into the nice guy phase is my hope cause sometimes it works but my 3rd son is trapped in foster Care hell since 6 and has recently come to be in juvy jail and I’ve tried like hell to get them to let him come home but the disgruntled caseworker I didn’t lie instead made the conversation to do so loud and embarrassed her in front of alot of people she had there to help me and I caught him growing mushrooms in 2016 and I ony coerced him to give me joint custody of the 2 he stole but under their approval too right after his wín he forces me to be nanny sex tool and care for the kids and give him my sexuality, they refused to return my son tho I’ve done better 3 tone and now he threatens to do to my 4th and only girl child he’s oddly, but not odd really scary, insisting on pursuing my daughter only who’s…. What should I do to get free for me and my kids of this insane power and abuse to controland use like a sexual tool and he got off btw for gave rape after drugging me he says “statute of limitations bitch I’m in the free and clear” and I say idk how the hell they let him get Away with this shit is year after year and reports have been made outside of me and I’ve had 100s of Scary or rapey situations over the last 20nyears but he had nudes I sent him and said ” you a cuse me if rape but send me nudes proving he didn’t rape me!!! I need freed without losing me baby girl to the man I can’t trust won’t hurt her in every way he has me and her 3 brothers but she’s not his but he and evil caseworker did a voluntary paternity affidavit sooo yeah I’m dying and he messes with my health insurance to see me die from stage 2 cervical cancer he gave me cheating and got hov said he gets to do him and don’t blame him blame the system or government it’s his go to phrase these days AND FOR WHY he gets to do this to me and my kids he said “probably because I’m white and educated… Don’t blame me I believe in am equal system but the government doesn’t unfortunately” and now saying I’m going to die alone and cold in the streets as he’s messing with my heart mind body he also pits the kids to misbehave and feel worthless he makes promise and breaks to get them acting out one recently made it out by turning 18 and has brought some havoc on me and daughters life with for one dog after dog and they left 3 here (he got a gd git preggers had baby then they bailed on help with rent so I had to finally throw a big enough fit 3rd time to get them to leave, only to have them live in the trailer of my recently passed mom I’m constantly trying to mourn and seek help with medical malpractice ATM too) so I’m about to get evicted for the 2 dogs and I’ve reached out for 2 years mad then sorry desperate then indignant because I’m 2013 When I failed to follow thru they made him my victim instead and helped him even tried to give him my housing voucher after his sex abuse made me scream and cry chasing after him begging him to say he was sorry and got me kicked out for “disturbing the peaceful enjoyment of the environment for my neighbors” tho his family and money got him a sold judgment of sole full custody to 2 kid’s my rights terminated to my 3rdbsonnand my eldest was eventually returned at 14 after 10 years of placing him in care to be abused every stent and time and over 300 different homes because I relapsed on meth to cope with the sex abuse I reported and was ignored and forced to endure worse for having done so and still be able and I did provide for my kids they say so in court but then just a relapse gave her cause to remove my kids and I need out before it happens again or worse it’s been 8 years and I need to Free my son and save my daughter from getting the same hand dealt her he hasn’t had them for even 1 hour since dumping them on me immediately after gaining custody, for the 4th time same thing, and is threatening to do it again, any suggestions? Lol I so don’t need ridicule or more blame told I’m codependent or sick myself my kids are my whole lifes desire since 10 and to be a good mom I’m a Street rat as he calls me, and never wanted to be subjected to drugs and hate them or the fact I had to use meth growing up to do so as a ward of the court’s literally on the streets but lucky cause I had a good group of friends that didn’t use me sexually or abuse me and usually 1nor another snuck me Into their House to have a place to sleep at night for 5 years DHS didn’t buy me a meal or give me a home just detention 2x for out possession, and I’ve done alit of work effort and proving myself to be a good mom as matter of fact I’ve unfortunately due to him 3 and 2 ig could be my responsibility had 5 DHS assessments in last 3byearsband been unfounded every time tho I admitted to relapse 3 times but the judge already and knowing said so before she did made a bias and predetermined decision in a 5day court hearing she made into one terminated my rights on 3rd son calling me unfit and gave two to him he gave right back along with being his submissive on call whore to run down whenever he chose then she gave me joint custody when I had him coerced and I’m scared and not willing to risk doing same to daughter amdni know I need counseling and ig yeah the day I drank to get out of his way I also lost my voice yelling at him to get out of my room and house before I passed out and woke myself up crying and laying naked in my bed with him idk what still but hurting me I could tell from my painful crying and pain in stomach and yelling help me I couldn’t get up and my daughter came into the room and saw him zip up his pants and had to argue before getting my mom the whole time I yelled cakk the cops and no one did and it’s shaken our relationship so badly before she passed fornny mom me and my baby girl and he won’t take accountability and I’ve already been labeled the abuser and like he told her and I we would be considered we have been labeled the girl’s that cry wolf, not literally but they failed to press charges for acid and face rapein me think totally trued to follow thru with charges so yeah I need help out if this nightmare my daughter and I alone are now stuck in and she’s not doing well
        thanks for any suggestions or resources you can give to help! But anyone with any negative comments for me… well… Go to hell!!

  8. I have been no contact as soon as I figured out my ex is a narcissist – about 5 months. Unfortunately, for three months before that I begged pleaded cried etc etc after the bizarre and abrupt discard and was replaced even before that. Even though I have been no contact – I haven’t blocked him from email or text and he has hoovered consistently and I can even sense when its about to happen. I know I need to block him as I won’t be able to move on until I do but I find the whole thing morbidly fascinating. I am still so sad and depressed and just can’t seem to get the module thing working for me. I believe in my heart that it works but I just can’t get it to work for me. I also find it amazing that you, Mel, seem to send just the right message to me at just the right time! I still just can’t believe the whole thing happened and that I have basically lost a year because of it not to mention the year and a half that I was with him I’m definitely over the worst of it it’s the lingering sadness that I can’t seem to shake.

    1. Hi Ilona,

      First of all, I would love you to come into the NARP Forum so that we could help you find and release the belief about “not being able to heal” or whatever it is that is blocking you – https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      Then I believe you will.

      2 and 1/2 years is long enough – its time to get NARP working for you. If you are dedicated to that – we will help you.

      Mel xo

    2. I was in a relationship with a narcissists for 4 1/2 yrs then one day he just walked away from me I’m so hurt every now & then he texts me I don’t answer him. I didn’t know he was a narcissist until i started reading up on it & all his behavior’s make sense now thinking back on it , but it still hurts that someone you loved could just walk away an not say a word to you in Feb 2019 an act like they never cared about you .. Thanks so much Mel

  9. Thanks Mel. My thoughts have recently been dealing with how to manage the issues that my children have been left with after I’ve gone no contact, and there have been a few popping up that have triggered me, which I’m dealing with slowly.
    Going no contact and starting this course was the best thing I ever did. I found myself when you mentioned each of the seven strategies, immediately relating one of many crazy events that did occur around me, that I recall shacking my head too at the time thinking what just happened and why? As my first thought. Some of what you said I can relate too, my ex has done some of them even before I went no contact, his golden child didn’t and he is the one i left because of.
    I smiled to myself because when you mentioned about new supply, I suspected this was the case even before I left, in fact if I’m honest I was the new source of supply, unknowingly, up until the last minute when he discarded her for me. So a leopard doesn’t change his spots so I was well prepared for this too occur, i was cut off from any fb or twitter contact before I had even left only fuelled that suspicion more. And yes he went really deep to find a way to discard me, to cover his trail, so deep that he forgot a simple step which he testifies that he does while working as a manager, a basic human right, that only tarnished him more
    So I wasn’t triggered at all, which is a great testimony for the NArp programme.
    Onwards and upwards

    1. Hi Kim,

      it’s my pleasure 🙂

      Please know any of the issues with your children, take “what is bothering you or hurting them” to Module work and shift it and you will find that “solution” and “healing” will then appear.

      I love that you weren’t triggered. That is a wonderful testimony to your healing and empowerment.

      Thrive On Dear Lady!

      Mel xo

  10. Thank you so much for another fantastic video, Mel! As always, I watched this a couple of times so that I could really absorb it on a deep level and of course I resonated with everything! Your videos always help me so much and give me an overflow of things to anchor into for my module work. By the way, gorgeous outfit and earrings! If the Fashion Police were watching, they’d give you an A+ every time! And my Tiggy was just another level of cute today! 😉

    On a more serious note, I was wondering if you might consider doing an episode at some point on how to heal the wounds from Narcissistic Fathers? As you know from my letter to you, my father has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (and I’m happy to say that I’ve been no contact with him since 2013.) By no means do I claim to be more “damaged” than those who’ve had experiences later in life with a narcissistic love partner, boss, sibling, etc. – Because I feel on many levels that ALL narcissistic abuse is identical. That being said, I do feel that the wounds instilled in me from the get-go of my time here on Earth have been uniquely profound and more intricately imprinted in my etheric being simply because as a child I did not have a choice to walk away. I am also curious to know your thoughts as to whether or not those of us whose souls were born to Narcissist parents chose to have those soul contracts with Narcissists before coming into this lifetime and/or if our souls were simply already resonating within this victim energy and merely attracted a Narcissist parent to us (Sorry if you’ve already addressed this previously. I can’t remember whether or not you have.) Perhaps it’s a little of both? I hope this makes sense! Oh and how would a Narcissist father affect a female child versus a male child? … I felt compelled to bring this up because every time I watch your amazing videos, I feel like the subject matters you speak about initially hit me at a bit of a different angle (i.e. from my family of origin) even though my father experience was followed by a string of Narcissist love partners, bosses and colleagues – Lucky me, I’ve had the blessing of dealing with every kind! I’m the ultimate expert! But now happily permanently retired! 🙂 🙂

    I really hope I haven’t detracted from today’s fabulous video! Just wanted to throw some things out there for you to reflect on should you ever chose to do a video on Narcissist Fathers.

    Thanks a ton for today’s episode! Big hug and lots of love Mel & Tiggy! I’m off to dive into a module RIGHT NOW!

    xO, Laura K.

    1. Hi Laura,

      it’s my pleasure!

      Thank you for your lovely comments to Tiggy and I 🙂

      I would definitely love to do that episode, Zac and I discussed it not long ago. Ok re your questions I believe it is a soul choice absolutely regarding what would be the best situation to get “the work done”, as you know. I agree its both Contract and resonation.

      Regarding the female/male – for her, it is how she is treated by men and how she expresses her masculine energy. Is she comfortable to be assertive and have rights and be powerful? If she was not supported in this – there will be all sorts of future issues with handing power away. For a male, how does he treat women and how does he express his masculine energy? Has he taken on more of the pleaser role, rescuing his mother or the narcissistic role being like his father?

      That is so awesome you have given up narcissists – it is such a great feeling Laura!

      No not at all Laura, as always this is great feedback for all concerned who need it.

      Happy modulling sweetheart and much love from Tiggy and I.

      Mel xo

      1. Thank you SO MUCH Melanie!!! I so appreciate your beautiful in-depth reply!! It really helps me tremendously.

        Everything you said about how the female will have “all sorts of future issues with handing power away” and not being comfortable in her assertiveness and in her rights to be powerful if she was unsupported. Yes, yes, and YES!!! Oh my goodness, I struggle intensely with these things even after all my up-leveling. Just massive, profound issues for me to heal still in those areas. Even small things like me being assertive in asking for what I want to eat at a restaurant feels like death for me sometimes. As if me asking for what I want (even the most basic of needs) feels like I will be annihilated – Because I WAS annihilated by my father and of course so much of it is in my DNA. I am still working through these things in NARP and can’t wait until they are fully up-levelled!

        I so look forward to the video on Narcissistic Fathers! I know it is going to be amazing!

        Big hug to you, Tiggy & Zac!!

        xO, Laura K.

  11. Hi Melanie —

    Each time I plug in here I see something reconfirming my decision to go no contact. I’m glad my n mother betrayed me one last time. Ludicrous she looked to the child she terrorized for safety. She stole my childhood and she’s not going to steal the rest of my life. I watched the video and just felt so happy she’s out of my life for good. This revelational knowledge you are sharing and community is a godsend to me. I can change and am changing and am happy to be me. Thank you!!

    xoxoxox, Ann

  12. Thank you so much once again – things get stirred up inside of me and you post a video that helps me to get through – and I’m just flabbergasted! Thank you thank you. I didn’t comment on your Halloween video because while I’ve found ho-ponopono powerful – and I wanted to be able to be move to a more metaphysical understanding, my body felt like lead and I just couldn’t go there that day. But thank you for all your different insights – they are all truly appreciated.

  13. Mel, your work has helped me immeasurably with healing my wounds and managing No Contact with my ex, as well as modified contact with the father of my children. Thank you for being a lightworker!

  14. I can’t tell you how much your content has helped me. I feel fortunate in the sense that I never knew narcissists existed until about 6 months ago when I started researching the characteristics my x had been displaying for the previous 2 years. Once I learned what a narcissist was and I started watching your videos, it was very clear what I was dealing with. It’s unbelievable to me how they can make you react in a way that truly does make you feel like the crazy one – enough so that I was questioning my own mental state for a while. I was no contact for a month and a half and then was sucked back in for about a month and a half with all kinds of bs and promises, BUT…. nothing changed. I have been no contact for a week again now and I am having good days for the most part. I excercize A LOT – it really helps keeps the good chemicals flowing. I don’t always want to, but when I don’t I notice my mood dips and I get depressed, so I force myself. Also, I keep reminding myself that I am wasting time on someone that isn’t capable of caring for me as I do him not connecting past a superficial and material level. I would rather heal myself and move on so that I can eventually find a partner that I can be in a healthy relationship with. I refuse to waste another minute of my life on him. I know in my heart that my conscience is clear and that I did all I could and I am DONE! I am no contact in all aspects completely – I blocked his cell, work phone, texts, all email addresses (including the new one he created to email me from last time), social media accounts and I changed my locks. I sent him a text letting him know that I discarded anything he had left at my home and changed my locks and that I do not wish to be in contact with him any longer and to not contact me in any way or I would use that notification as means to obtain a restraining order… and guess what? I don’t even know if he replied BECAUSE HE’S BLOCKED! I do know he hasn’t shown up at my door, thankfully. Not sure if he has new supply or not – most likely, I’m thinking, but that’s OK – she can have that mess! Thank you so much for doing what you do. I am in immense gratitude. XX, Melissa

    1. Hi Melissa,

      you should be so proud of yourself for being so resolute, and meaning NO!

      I LOVE how you blocked, created No Contact, got rid of his stuff and stated “restraining order” to him.

      That IS a woman who means business and is willing to heal her life and create a great one for yourself.

      Thank you for your post, and I hope you inspire others to really mean it too.

      Mel xo

    2. I have been in a marriage for 20 years and am going through some things because of the actions from my husband. I want to get a divorce but I’m also scared at the same time. I would like to talk with you but I not comfortable putting my personal business on a social media site.

  15. Thank you as always Melanie. I am so much more aware now and realise that my life is truly my own. I am working at uplevelling. I am reaching out now. The narc is trying to get back into my life, I am working on getting out of my head and inner traumas. This is the most important work for and of my life. You are a God-send. Much love to you, the Team and Tiggy.

    1. Hi Elizabeth,

      it’s my pleasure.

      That is great you are taking back your power and your life.

      You are right it is our most important life work, freeing our Inner Being and changing ourselves from who we were being into Who We Really Are.

      Thank you sweetheart and much love from all of us too.

      Mel xo

  16. Hi, thank you for the videos. Do you believe that no contact is usually necessary when the narcissist is a parent? My wife certainly does, but I feel tremendous guilt. It means my father does not get to see his grandkids. (He doesn’t want to see me.)

    1. Hi Dave,

      It’s my pleasure.

      It really does depend on the boundaries you can or can’t have with him.

      As an example a friend of mine with her narcissistic father, in regard to her family and children, there is an understanding that if he becomes abusive they leave or hang up – because everyone in her family has learnt to love and honour themselves (she did the NARP Program to heal herself and led the way with this).

      Consequently, this father/grandfather acts much more respectfully with them – even though he is still terrible to other family members. They only see him now in family get-togethers, because they realised there is no way to spending “quality” time with him when his life is all about him and not healthy for his grandchildren anyway.

      My friend released and healed all her guilt and it simply doesn’t exist anymore. She was also more than happy to completely do No Contact with him if he refused to stop being abusive. He has been much better with her and her family because he knows he gets abandoned and receives no attention if he plays up.

      Is your father healthy for your children? If not, empower them to know that respect and decency are what they should expect from people, and be prepared to stand for. Teaching our children to tolerate bad behaviour is one the most damaging things we could ever do to them.

      I hope there is something in this that can help.

      Mel xo

  17. Hi Mel!

    I appreciate all of your videos! I was wondering if you could post one on narcissistic friends. I have a narc mother and have had an abundant of narcissistic friends. I have your program and continue to do no contact. Currently I have new friends that are not narcs at all but I still have fear of another episode of narcissistic friends. The last one I was friends with even received a book on narcissism that I gave her. She has a narcissistic mom and I thought I was helping her but it turned into a handbook for her to use. When I finally stood up for myself, the silent treatment etc came on.

    I would appreciate so much some extra help!

    Thank you


    1. Hi Diane,

      I did a little Facebook Video on this: https://www.facebook.com/137377772251/videos/10154971706052252/ that may help.

      Possibly a longer Thriver TV may be created at some stage.

      I would highly suggest clearing that fear you have named (that is key) and working on being the authentic you, showing up without fear and seeking to connect with love and truth whilst of course always honouring your True Self.

      A wonderful place to receive extra coaching and help with pinpointing shifts with NARP is in the NARP Forum https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  18. This was so good Melanie, because it is just so accurate. Every time I watch your videos, I just wish that the Family Law Court were open minded enough to be educated by you. Hearing you today say that Narcissists will attack those you love to get back at you – I know this first hand and just wish this was common knowledge within the court system. But it feels so good for me to not need to share the war stories anymore but just keep focusing on my daughter and my future together. My motto is ‘The truth shall set you free’ and I truly believe it will all come out in the end as I am no longer acting out of fear but out of love, love for myself and my daughter. Thank you so much for sharing these videos and for the NARP program – it has helped me immensely to let go 🙂 Keep sharing the love – you are making a big difference in this world. Love Simone xx

    1. Hi Simone,

      I adore that you are so empowered that you are enfolding it all from love and truth. Those forces are the most powerful on this planet … darkness dissolves in the face of that.

      It’s my absolute pleasure Simone, and thank you for being such a shining NARPer doing your bit in a BIG way too!

      Mel xo

  19. Dear Mel. Thank you for this video. It was as if you knew my life. I separated nearly 3 years ago but it’s been such a battle to even get to the stage of proper no contact. I was replaced within months of leaving him which devastated me. I bump into him and his new supply. He tries everything to get to me still. We have our 2 teenage children who he is aseemingly great dad with and lives 10 minutes away from me. I have finally gone no contact and got much better at it and I am feeling all the things you describe. i am really trying to do the NARP work although mainly module 1 at the moment. I am triggered every day as I hear about him constantly through the kids. He rings my son when he stays with me and I hear his voice through the phone. We have every friend in common, having been together for 22 years and known each other since we were 17 and every day someone tells me somethings about him (although I don’t feel like I invite the information). I live in constant fear of bumping into him and his girlfriend and I am finding this so hard. I feel like moving to a different part of town but its not practical for my kids. I feel exhausted by it. I know the only thing to do is keep healing which I will because I really don’t know what else to do. I am also meant to be giving up smoking tomorrow (I have booked in with Allen Carr) because that has been out of control for the last 3 years. But I am so worried about having to give up another addiction and battling all this without that crutch. But i am concerned for my health if I continue (I’m 50). I cannot tell you how amazing I think you are and what you say makes such sense. I guess my only worry is that sometimes I feel defeated as I do the work but still battle on a daily basis by the constant triggers and the games he plays still. Thank you Mel. Much love Sash xx

    1. Hi Sash,

      it is my pleasure.

      That is great that you have reached the point of going No Contact and that you are working with Module 1.

      The key truly, as you have realised, is to do that healing for each trigger that you feel until the trauma subsides. What will really help is also to keep targeting that horror of running into them with the total goal that you will feel okay if you do. Life has a way of working that when “we are no longer scared to walk under ladders” all the ladders on our path disappear.

      Sash, are you in the Forum? https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member … there is so much love, help and support for you in there.

      I hope this helps and sending you healing, blessings and strength.

      Mel xo

  20. You are just spot on. My narc has literally done every one of these things within the last year because I finally got the nerve to file for divorce. I truly don’t believe he will stop until he rids me of this earth but I refuse to be afraid. He took my kids that barely knew his name, my house, my job, my reality. He moved 850 miles to stalk me in a small town purchasing a home a few blocks away. He can find help in the authorities and is not above paying off judges. These are signs to me that I truly am healing. The attacks do nothing to me anymore but make me see how far I’ve come. When he left me with nothing, I decided to finally start my nursing school life after putting it on hold to raise my 7 angels single-handedly. Thank you for your part in my healing. Thank you for not being afraid to tell everyone the truth and for teaching that being a victim paralyzes your future. Much love, Jen.

    1. Hi Jen,

      that is wonderful that you are not afraid. You are an inspiration Jen, and thank you for being a warrioress too who refuses to give in to being a victim to this.

      Thrive On Jen, stay strong and much love to you too.

      Mel xo

  21. Hi Mel,
    My story is different, after leaving my Widowed Narc Mother she remarried in six Months of me leaving to a very possessive man, I shared a home with an old fake friend Sociopath/Narc? without realising, who subconsciously put me off achieving my goals as a Musician or Male Model, I felt I was treading on eggshells going after these dreams but found him addictive especially on nights out, but things went sour with his belittling of me even though people said I looked like a Film star and I ended up with a lot less confidence being around him and I eventually found my own place. This did not end the relationship though as he continually came to visit and intimidated me and pressurised me to do things like the wrong Career choices and too many nights out. I eventually went downhill with lots of debt and gave up on my dreams and now feel I wasted my life, I have been doing the freedom healing for a few months now which has helped, but I know I can never turn the clock back, the Sociopath/Narc ? has tried to lure me back a few times in different ways and I bumped into him recently and didn’t,t know what to say, after a brief conversation he said he had to rush off as his car parking time was nearly up, I was tempted to get in contact with him to tell him all the wrongs he did to make him feel guilty but I know that I would be wasting my time.

  22. Hi Mel.

    I watched your video. Thank you for posting. I also watched your Halloween video and don’t know quite how I feel about it yet to be able to make a comment. Regarding this video, I resonate with a lot of what you said. I am particularly concerned with how you mentioned N’s get to us through hurting others that we love. I share 3 young children with my ex N. I recently learned he is buying books, and restraints and engaging in BDSM with his new girlfriend. His new girlfriend is a is a mom in my daughter’s third grade class. My ex and I were raised in the Catholic Church and this lifestyle goes against what our faith believes. This behavior goes against my reality and how I choose to live my life and be treated by others. His girlfriend has exposed her breasts to my younger daughter and asked to see my daughter’s private parts of her body. My daughter said no (thank God). My ex has also showered with my children and has very deviant sexual behaviors (obvious). How can I protect my children from his lack of healthy personal boundaries? My fear is for the safety and well being of my children and his potential for hurting my children. I am a Gold Member of NARP and would like to know which modules to use to transcend this!

    Mel, could you also share testimonials on parents helping heal their children with QFH? I believe I could use more stories to motivate me to heal myself. Can you also share stories that you know of N’s getting the released wounds of our shifts? I could use some motivation. I guess I am stuck in him receiving consequences to his actions to save my children. Any advice would be helpful.

    1. Hi Jennifer S,

      it’s my pleasure.

      Jennifer, what you are dealing with is scary and there is no greater terror I believe for us Mums, as the fear for our precious children. Jennifer, have you taken this to child protection services? Because I really believe that behaviour from his girlfriend with your daughter is not acceptable and should be followed up.

      And it’s going to be so important for you to apply NARP all the fears that you have, about that and standing up about that, and also everything that your ex is doing and the children’s wellbeing when with him.

      Have you watched the sessions I did with Devon re working by proxy? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9FWHrox6a24

      In the NARP Forum https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member because it is private and sealed to members only – we do have discussions, and support from parents healing Children by proxy. Understandably people co-parenting, for their children’s sakes, would very rarely (as Devon was brave enough to do) expose themselves on open Forums.

      I would strongly suggest Jennifer coming into the NARP Forum for support and help with this. https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  23. I am a popular wildwoman tenured 65 year old professor teaching photography in a state university in Detroit, Michigan. As I was planning to go on sabbatical in these last years of my teaching, my younger Generation Y colleague heavily lobbied our Departmental Chair to become the Area Coordinator which at the time was my position. I ran the Photography Area, which includes the classrooms, the darkroom, the digital lab, and the cozy corners I created with round tables and chairs and spaces to sit and talk for the students, including a repurposed room that is an ad hoc kitchen where I serve soup for the students in evening classes. My colleague, whose initials are interestingly MT and which I will use to refer to her, in taking control of the area, resumed her negative schema of the world by either feeling left out no matter how I responded and feeling most comfortable when she was in hyper-control. Once in charge it was a disaster as she was not wanting to spend the time it takes to be there to steward all the many responsibilities, nor be there for all of the students while not wanting others to assist them, and releasing Nathaniel, the part time older black male part time teacher, who was faithfully serving all the students at all times and patient with the older students in taking extra time to help them understand their cameras. She strived to eliminate all who were associated or loyal to me that I offered and assumed would stay in place to assist her. I am about to retire for my peace of mind and enacted no contact. I encouraged the students to write of their grievances to the Chair, who submitted the students’ letters and emails of grievances to the new Provost who is African American; as the administration told me they could not act on a labeling of narcissism, they could act on discrimination issues in dismissing Nathaniel who is African American. I encouraged students to write letters speaking to their first person experience of how vital Nathaniel’s presence was in assisting them via his teaching and functioning of the lab, and many responded. Nathaniel was reinstated in his position of parttime much to the resistance of MT. She even went to the Provost to complain of the Chair because she believed that the Chair overstepped his boundaries in telling her to reinstate Nathaniel. The Provost told her that it was he that decided on the fairness of reainstating Nathaniel. Then she went back to emailing the chair asking if Nathaniel could be reinstated in another area. I am furious at the administration caving in earlier to MT’s manipulations so that she did earn tenure just at the time that I was realizing what narcissism was and had signed up for your courses. I am wild with grief and dismay for what the students will experience. The good news is that the Provost has Nathaniel’s back and is making she he is teaching and having access to students, inviting him to create a partial online course in photography and having him teach in photography and eventually move to electronic arts. The Administration anticipates that the photography area will lose students and MT will expose herself for her psychopathy. I am finding some peace through your work and wanted you to know how ubiquitous narcissism is in academia. And many students have spoken to me about family members being narcissists as we as a community are all learning about it and I am sharing your talks with them and teaching them about it and directing them to your website. I also paid for the next level, but could not manage to download the resources and had difficulty doing so and now I do not know how to retrieve access. I know you have assistants to help me so please advise how I may reclaim those resources. Thank you for your illuminating transformational work. There are two kinds of teaching, informational and transformational. I also through my teaching photography as a creatively expressive form, whose etymology means “writing with light,” strive for transformational teaching and find a kindred spirit in your means and intent and presence. Peace and light

  24. Hi Melanie —

    Forgot to mention the pertinent subject — going no contact with a perp n mother in my case meant having no contact with other family members as my mother is the matriarch of a large extended family system. I knew it was necessary because of our family structure and I lost people I loved and they had witnessed so much I think they understood what I chose to do. I did it because I didn’t want to be sucked back in and/or anyone supplying her with any info.

    She enlisted my son and basically demanded he do something about it and so I told him things I had never before told him about what she had done to me. He’s grown and our relationship is strong and he feels free to do whatever he needs to do in their relationship and sees her on birthdays and holidays or whenever — I don’t ask — it’s his business. I did go back for a period of time for his benefit and he could see I genuinely tried until she betrayed me one last time. I had gone back because I knew it caused him pain — and I hope he understands now. He does know she lies since he found out she lied for 27 years about something she promised him and had no intention of delivering. He’s the child of the “wrong” child — and is cut out of her will unlike the golden child’s children and doesn’t even know it . I’ve known for 25 years and never told him — no way to do it without crushing him — is there? He’s an innocent and deserves so much better — that is the worst pain for mothers — normal ones, anyway — to see their children hurt.

    Anyway, back to the subject, the rest she enlisted, cousins, her friend, etc. — when they attempted to contact me I wouldn’t respond — she has a stranglehold on our family except in quiet whispers. My aunts who adored me stayed out of it because they knew — one time I witnessed one aunt whispering on the phone to another aunt when my mother was in the other room, “Our little treasure is here.” Since I was the only one there, I knew it was me they were talking about — how sad they had to hide their love for me when she was around. So they knew and stayed out of it when I went nc. They loved me and I loved them and we all knew it. So this is how she attempted to pursue me.

    Thank you for letting us tell you our story — that in itself is healing for me. xoxoxoxo, Ann

  25. Hi Mel,
    I can not agree more to all the “7 things narcissists do when you go no contact” The narc was my first childhood love that I married and have two kids with. The first time I was discarded, i experienced all the 7 things and more. I lost my job, friends, car, literally everything and was imprisoned for trumped up charges, to this day, cannot figure out why he went an extra mile to bribe corrupt police officers for it. After 2 years of separation and divorce i was sacked back in once more with worse consequences. I thought I was the one with issues and did everything to try make the marriage work. The more I tried the worse things got. The last discard happened exactly a year ago and before he could repeat the ‘discard routine’ i secretly left the country and enrolled in some University. While pursuing my PhD program, I accidentally pumped into the narc program and i have not looked back. For the first time in my life, i get to know and understand me. I have realised my whole life has been one with narcs. I was raised by a wicked narc stepmom who was everything bad you’d imagine of an evil soul – physical, verbal and emotional abuse, and was aided by a co-dependant Father; i had narc bosses who made sexual advances and had to quit my job twice to protect myself; one narc friend who was sleeping with now ex narc husband and i later discovered fathered 3 kids with her etc. The narc program has saved my life and i find life more meaningful, i’m more open with people, friendly and confident with myself to a point that i’m not keen to be in any intimate relationship. Maybe after i’m done with my studies who knows… lol? Im grateful for this resource and will forever be indebted. Please keep up the good work!!!

  26. Couldn’t have come at a better time for me this episode. I just decided today, after new information has come to light through a friend to do proper no contact.
    Up until now its been short periods where I start to feel better and get a bit stronger then have contact again.
    I am reminded to be aware and ready that he may suddenly move on now to a new person or use me to try to blame me for his current struggles and for the reasons we broke up (we know quite a few of the same people – although many of them I’m happy to cut out my life to be able to move on!)
    So planning for all eventualities with cool logic could be good despite that waves of grief I went through today.
    Emotions can get in the way of no contact or weaken our resolve I feel through hooks to him that still are not healed.
    Thank you
    Sophie xx

  27. Day 10 No contact. We had no ‘its over conversation’ just another enforced silence/punishment cycle which lasts up to a month depending on the severity of the incident before one hook or another works. Before I give in.

    He lives next door. I hear him walk around his flat, cough, even go to the toilet. If I speak in anything more than hushed tones, he can hear my conversations, what I’m watching on TV. He knows when I’m in, when I make a cup of tea, take a bath. I smell his aftershave wafting in the hallway as he gets ready for work. If I look out my window, I see his place of work. If he goes into the garden at work, he can look up into my window. We even share a post box in which my mail can sometimes go missing.

    Hooks in the past have been maybe 6 out of 7 highlighted. Yesterday the texts began. First an ‘accidental text’, next one a hint of sarcasm, now loving one word texts. The unusually frequent in’s and out’s have begun, opening and shutting of his front door. Just 5 feet away from mine. I’m waiting for the call from a family member to say he’s ill, needs help in some way, thats usually the next step. I blocked his number for a few hours to begin with but felt the texts at least gave me an indication of what was happening. Forwarning rather than a knock at the door or crossing of paths on the stairwell. This is the maybe 20th time of no contact in a 4 year rollercoaster relationship of psychological and sometimes physical abuse, when I have been dared to confront his behaviour.

    He’s not the first. I want him to be the last. I have come to realise thanks to the different sessions on line that my multiple exposures stem right back to childhood and my suseptibility can be tracked throughout my adult life.

    I have much work to do within myself, so much I’m not sure where to start. Since doing the webinar a few days ago, I have children, all ages, screaming, crying, pleading, talking to me, begging me for help, for comfort. I feel like I have opened a door and can’t quite control whats happening.

    I’m hoping for some advice on how to control the process more to keep myself safe and also how to manage the close proximity and lack of personal space I experience, even in my own home.

    1. Hi Kate,

      the very first thing I want to ask you is – can you leave? Can you at least stay with someone and get some space away?

      Because you literally have none.

      You are so right – that there is healing to be done so that this can be the last person of this pattern Kate. It is your time 🙂

      It so always so compounding and confusing when our inner children are screaming “come to me” and we are so caught up in the hypervigilance of what is going on around us that we can’t go inwards to fully ascertain who and what needs our healing first.

      To me, Kate, the only two options are: Leave and start really healing, or stay and completely set the intention “I don’t give a toss what he is doing or not doing. It’s MY life and I am going to fully dedicate to healing it.” And if he steps over a line – tell him “Its over, don’t contact me, leave me alone or I will be taking out an intervention order.” Ignore any contact and BLOCK him on all devices … until he confronts you and then refuse to have any connection or contact with him and mean it. If he gets aggressive report him.

      That’s the goal – and I promise you I know it is SO hard to do before we heal, take that stand and STAND fully in it … … but if you stay on – there is no other way really that you will be able to get better. We can’t have our cake and eat it as well …meaning have our focus on them whilst we are trying to heal ourselves.

      I hope something in this can help you.

      Mel xo

  28. I have been watching many of your videos for the past two days and they are great. It’s good to know I’m not alone. I am in the situation of having to live with the narcissist for a while due to financial, home, and child reasons. I am going modified contact and trying to change the pattern of trying to talk to him and make him see the truth, care, want to talk, etc. He has made me feel as though I am the narcissist in this equation. Or at least tried to make me feel that way. It is hard to see that he acts happy and normal despite whatever is going on. I guess it is because he doesn’t care. I look forward to the day when it doesn’t affect me anymore. Thank you for your great help.

    1. Hi Kristi,

      I am so pleased my videos are helping and that you are now detaching from him.

      I promise you that when you do heal enough you won’t care – and you will be free.

      Keep going Kristi!

      Mel xo

  29. Such a beautiful profound insight Melanie…I sometimes wander off the healing track – ‘peptide addiction’ . This was so appropriate for encouraging me to stay on the path of healing and not to stray away from myself by getting a ‘forceful magnetic pull’ towards the narcissist ..metaphorically speaking I’ll create a magnet field that will repel the magnet (narcissist) ..I’ll break the circuit….heal, love myself…. Oh Melanie, thank YOU again and again for your love, devotion and for saving my soul and thousands of others.. Much love to YOU and Tiggy xxx…Jacqueline (Facebook- jaqueline Cspt)

    1. Hi Jacqueline,

      it’s lovely to hear from you, Dear Lady, and I am so pleased you are staying on track!

      So much love to you too from Tiggy and I and thank you darling for your sweet words.

      Mel xo

    1. Hi Theresa,

      thank you and it’s my pleasure.

      Thank you for the link, however, I truly prefer not to focus on the damage, and rather to work hard on the solution – the releasing trauma and resetting back to wellbeing.

      If I had fully researched and accepted the damage of my breakdown – I never would have come back. I think these things are helpful IF we research them to find out what to focus on repairing (Shifting out of our Beings) but not to state “this is what I have been left with now” … if that makes sense.

      Mel xo

      1. Mel:

        It does. I am a logical person who need to understand my behavior, this helped me understand the effects the abuse had on my brain and why it was not as easy for me to get over. After getting that understanding, I was led to seek a more radical approach to healing and my research to find that approach led me to your program, which I purchased and love. I am so much better after working with you healings daily. So I think we are on the same page. Blessings and love.

  30. Hi, Mel

    It is so funny and interesting for me to watch your video!! My ex – to be has done all of that. But what he is doing now is very hard and evil, I actually want some help. He is doing the number 6 – try to harm me…

    I am a member of Narp and I have been doing the module for nearly 4 months now. I wrote a few things on Narp community as well but my separation from ex is real messy.

    He has stopped paying any mortgage, credit card and throw all the responsibility away and enjoying overseas life somewhere in the planet – no one knows where he is. We have 18 years old son, who has to leave Uni house soon and he is now no money to go flatting.

    We owns two houses and since he is not sending any money, the bank gave us a notice to sell by 20th November. We did have an agent to sell those houses but she lost her heart since my ex has been playing around and we lost a buyer who was willing to pay the price we wanted.

    I have been doing NO contact since March, then broke a little by emailing till July. I tried to sell houses so I read his emails and reply to him but almost all emails i CC to my lawyer.

    He begged and begged to me to take him back, sent me a gift, love songs, Christian songs ( I am a Christian, he supposed to be, too) but I didn’t give in.

    Now, the problem is this.

    He started to tell people it is me crazy because I am not talking to him. He sent email to me via real estate agent, and CC to bank manager, and my son to say ‘ it is impossible to sell houses when one party is refusing to communicate, my son is also pushed to the side.’

    Then my son gave me a ring saying ‘ I want you to move into one of our house! I have no where to live. And Dad wants to skype call me and you to talk about my housing…’ – I said I won’t speak to him, I told my son I can’t afford it ( I came back to the country and working with very low pay because I was staying home expat mum for 16 years.) and I am not in the position to talk with his dad because he wants to take me to court ( I received email from his lawyer they are preparing?!)

    Last night, my ex left a spooky voice message saying ‘ I want to talk to you WITHOUT lawyer, we must be like a two proper adult, we should talk how we can achieve our goal to sell both houses.’

    I am now scared, I almost feel like to give in and talk, but I know if I do, he would manipulate it. But if I continue to do NO contact, I wonder if he would blame me to say our houses are not sold because I didn’t communicate?! I have no desire to go back to him, I thought I got all the hooks out but seems like I need more work to do…

    Can you tell me what to do now??!!

    1. Hi New Me NZ,

      I feel for you very much, and please know this is typical N behaviour. Especially when they know that “this” hurts and affects you the most.

      The truth is when we escape, detach and heal from N’s it is usual to suffer financial losses as well as have to learn how to become a financial source to ourselves because the N simply won’t and we can’t force them to.

      Can you appoint a third party to communicate about the houses? That seems like a very important piece of this. And then you can contact all people involved and state that this is the person to communicate through. Can you seek legal help even possible pro-bono and pay them once properties sell?

      I believe you need an intermediatory here.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      1. Hi, Mel

        Thank you so much for your advice. Yes, I was told by many of my friends that I should talk to him. I was almost giving in, but I know my heart that it won’t do any good if I start talking to him again.
        I think I will reply to him to say that I will talk to him WITH my lawyer. I am on legal aid and I do have my appointed lawyer. However he has been avoiding to contact me when the time like now – really crucial time. He has his own lawyer, too. I filed separation on January, I have been asking his lawyer that I want to have a round table talk many times. But it is him, avoiding this. If it was normal human, I am sure he would be cooperating and talk to me with lawyer and resolve this problem. I thought about maybe a mediator from Family court or church? But I still believe my lawyer is the best one to be with? If I tell him that, he might just ignore?!

        I really wonder why I get this. I thought I did shift so much stuff from me..?! is it because I still have trauma? I do have fear, that’s for sure…

  31. This is the best one in a long time. Watching this takes me back to that awful time in my life. Luckily I jumped every hurdle, stayed strong, and have been going strong with no contact for three + years. I almost forgot about how terrible and real my fear felt at the moment. Now looking back I see right through all these tactics.

  32. Hi Mel
    Thank you for this video. You are so spot on, as to the ways the Narc tries to get to you, when you go no contact. Perfect timing for this video. I know all I ever was, is a supply for him. I feel I am gaining my strength and filling my heart with love for myself. I have blocked every avenue he could possibly contact me with. It has not been an easy road thus far. But I see a light shinning bright at the end of this tunnel. I believe in divine intervention. And so thankful to have found you & your internet site. I hope you know you are not only opening eyes. You are saving lives of those of us that became so broken.
    Thank you!

  33. I know the discarded was the best thing he did to me. But now he is with another woman, engaged and so happy… He never came back. Its ridiculous that even I know he was terrible to me, its killing me that he is so happy now. She do all the things i didnt and today I think I would have done. I think that if I had done, he wouldnt have been so monster… 🙁
    I dont talk to him, just stalk he and she everyday

  34. My abusive narc suddenly dropped off the face of the earth over 2.5 years ago and by then I had well and truly had enough so let him. At the time he was allegedly dying and he was particularly difficult to deal with – it was a long and horrid history. It ended with a whimper and not a bang. It took over a year to mourn and process. The second year mark was fabulous.
    Then at the almost 2.5 year mark he emailed out of the blue insinuating I had been in his area, following him. I didn’t even know where he lived. He called me and said he knew I had moved. He couldn’t have known this unless he had watched my old house. He pulled the dying card again and turned nasty when I said I did not believe a word of his pining for me, his baloney re seeing me everywhere, or the fact there hadn’t been anyone else in this time. So back to the mean sweet cycle. Fake FB accounts to harrass me. Attempts to call me from a private number as his is blocked. He even followed my uni aged daughter at work, possibly hoping to follow us home and see where I live. A quick glance of his FB indicates a thriving social life during that 2.5 years of silence. I am more immune now. I am no contact and he is trying every hook. The latest is a love letter of how there was never anyone else – ha ha – and how he “gets angry when I am stubborn”. I guess another relationship fell over and he thought of me – the empath. Note language of anger juxtaposed with need in his letter. I’m staying no contact. I want to warn you all that they can come back. I am retaining all records for possible stalking charges.

  35. Hi Melanie: Thank you. Boy, you nailed it, as usual. I am No Contact for 30 days, after the 4th round of devaluation. It gets worse and worse. And the cycles shorter and shorter. I have thought and felt every scenario you described. I am actively helming my traumas, I had no idea how all the stuff that happened affected by life the way it did. But it explains so much. And it is painful and frustrating and it’s true, no one really understands unless they have gone through something like this. Every day is a struggle. I want to heal. I want to be free and at peace and feel that true sense of happiness in my soul. Thank you so much for all you do for this community. And Bless you. In gratitude and hope, Valerie

    1. Hi Valerie,

      my heart goes out to you – yes the cycles do get worse.

      It is life evicting us by saying “This isn’t our truth!”

      You can do this Valerie – go within and really heal it. There is nothing else to do.

      Mel xo

  36. Hi Melanie,
    Thank you! I lost my husband of 35 years in October 2016…within 6 months an old “friend” who was going through a divorce showered me with support, uplifting me and telling me how much he always admired me back in the day. He is good looking, 5 years younger than me (I am 59) and just made me feel Oh so much better! Said all the “right” things to hook me. Stupid me…within months he started the devaluation process….and just discarded me after I asked a perfectly logical question about his behaviour…using that as the reason. I was devastated and asked myself what was wrong with me…losing 2 men in a year. I lost all confidence in myself…and am now grieving both of them. A month ago he started seeing his “crazy, bi-polar” ex wife who is 15 years my junior and is beautiful…which pushed me further down after everything he told me about her etc etc. Only recently have I found out that he is a narc…I have taken the No Contact approach but am really nervous of how I am going to react should he contact me. My head tells me I will not respond…but all I want to do is tell him I now know what he is and that he has no more control over my mind. (although I now know that it will mean nothing to him except that he gets a reaction from me). So thank you for your video and all your help. I can only thank God that I only experienced 6 months of it…his poor ex wife had over 3 years of it…and now he’s going to destroy her further.

    1. Hi Ginny,

      it’s my pleasure. I am so sorry you have gone through such loss and pain.

      Thank goodness you understand now who this man is and can work on healing and empowering you to unhook emotionally and mentally and stay No Contact and away from him.

      Sending healing and blessings to you.

      Mel xo

  37. Wow ! Thank you Melanie for all of the help you gave me going through my first year of regaining my life ! It’s been a hard journey but so worth it ! I was with my x for 30 years …and tried to leave him for the last 3…it’s been a nightmare , thinking I couldn’t live without him , and wondering everyday if I did the right thing by leaving , cause I did love him so much ! This last article was bang on , he did exactly theses 7 things , one after the other ! I still think of him, I still love him but I will never go back to him ! Thanks again , for all your help ! 😊👌

  38. Hi Melanie,

    I am new to your work but am very happy to have been directed to it.

    I have a question for you. I have been with what I have only just learned is a “narcissist” for over 6 years. I am guilty of always having the hope that he meant it when he said he would be better to me and change.

    Whenever I refuse to let up when I have caught him in terrible lies (and cheating), the truth comes out and he tells me he will never change. Then he goes off into rage about how he does not love me, how I have ruined other potential relationships for him (ridiculous as we have been together for a long time and he has found other women after we were together…then blames me for ruining things. Makes no sense. And neither does my allowing him to come back. I just honestly thought we would get through this, as he has stopped drinking and seemed to be getting better? I don’t know….)

    But I have a question. Do narcissists do that? Is this typical narcissistic behavior? Do they go after you, saying they “didn’t say they didn’t love you – after having gone off on a tirade about how you curse them and are evil, no good, they should have left a long time ago!! Then, it is “they don’t love you and will not be with you, marry you, etc., as they have claimed many times was your future together?”

    Or is narcissism only when they try to convince you they love you after you leave? Is it both ways?

    Is this narcissistic behavior? The rest of this video resonates with me He always creates some “poor me, I need help and you are abandoning me when I need help!!” circumstances when I have had enough. I have tried to leave many times before. Always get suckered in, as I just did not know how to heal it. I honestly didn’t think he was a narcissist. I just thought he was traumatized and was reacting to his triggers, but I believed he loved me.

    I cannot imagine anyone who is healthy behaving the way he does, so learning about narcissism has made this understandable.

    I appreciate your insight, and am looking forward to getting your program!

    Thank you for your help.

    Much love!

    1. Hi Milica,

      I am so pleased you have found your way to our wonderful Community!

      Yes Milica, narcissists do all of that. And they also keep doing to us these awful things when we stay connected with them regardless … because we are allowing this to be a reality in our Life. And the pattern just continues on and on and on.

      I know how hard it is when we feel hooked and when we hang onto the hope they can change, and can’t seem to stop ourselves going back – even though it doesn’t change. It is so painful and my heart goes out to you continually going through this.

      Narcissism is narcissism, Milica even if it is a little or a lot. It is lies, deceit lack of integrity, respect, love and care for others.

      Our relief and release come from healing ourselves Milica and that is what NARP https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp is all about. When we go through that healing process then we know exactly how and why the narcissist was re-enacting for us the old wounds that we had always carried that we needed to heal, and once we do heal them, I promise you there is no connection, obsession or attraction left for us. We go clean.

      You will get through this Milica and end this torment – you are so in the right place for that.

      I hope this has helped give you hope Dear Lady.

      Mel xo

      1. Hi Mel,

        Thank you SO much for taking the time to answer my questions. I am incredibly grateful.

        Upon reflecting on your response, I see there is an enormous amount of narcissism. For example, I recently was doing self work over a weekend and my phone was off. I stayed no contact as it was important to me to be able to do my work. When I turned it back on, it was to a barrage of painful and cruel abuse from him. He got exceedingly vile…and did not care if I was tender from the work I was doing within myself. I was called horrible things and told even worse things. It slapped me into realizing the truth of something more going on….his narcissism.

        I have been working on healing myself, but there are clearly things which I have missed. I am getting your program and really looking forward to the work.

        Again, I can’t thank you enough for replying. Thank you. I love your videos and blogs and I am ready for this work, under your guidance.

        Thank you again. Sending much love and light!

        1. Hi Milicia,

          you are very welcome!

          That is great that you are seeing the truth of what is and isn’t okay to endure. We truly are not helping people by staying around to “enable” what they are dishing out.

          I am so pleased you are going to be healing yourself with NARP work, and please know Milica I am always happy to be of service and help you any way I can.

          Sending much love and blessings to you too.

          Mel xo

  39. Hi Mel,

    many thanks for this Video. It just came in time for me. As actually did also the last two.

    My ex-Narc split up beginning of October, but we have lived separate already for the last six months. We have been living together for 11 years. Since April 2017 I am a NARPER.

    I have gone into modified contact (we have two boys) but she found out 30 days ago that I also spoke bad about her behind her back with friends, as I felt the urge to release this feeling of continued injustice and devaluation occasionally for many years. Well, you can imagine what smear campaigns and “verbal/written” punishments I have to endure since she split and since she found out. NARP did help me a lot to understand more of what was and is happening and it certainly helps to ease the pain and honey in my head.

    We both agreed to only communicate about issues regarding the kids. When she is needing money from me on top of the child maintenance, which I pay in full and more, she all of a sudden is so nice and sweet like a little mouse. Its exactly then that I start thinking or hoping she wants now to be friendly and sensible with me regarding the kids. until next morning.

    I don’t get it. She splits up, she smears me like crazy, she asked for only to talk about the kids and leave her alone for the rest of her life, she receives the complete child maintenance, yet she still accesses me for being the reason this family is now broken and she is left devastated.

    I understand I am the supply provider. And until there is a better one (there might be already) I need to be kept available. Which, thanks to NARP, I am only in relation to the kids. My questions are:

    1) How can I get her to our agreement to only talk about the kids. As she suggested.
    2) Which module do you suggest I should work with, to getting my energy in a direction where she just stick to our agreement, leave me alone (if that makes sense).

    Wishing you all a great day and wonderful healing sessions,

    1. Hi Michael,

      it’s my pleasure and I am so pleased this was timely for you.

      That is great that you have been working with NARP and you are doing so well with your progress.

      I would really suggest working on clearing all those feelings of “I don’t get it.” Meaning, of course, the injustice of how she treats you and blames you. That will help you shore up being able to not participate in any conversation regarding anything other than the children.

      I would also suggest setting up the Goal Setting Module with the goal: “Me creating and holding the boundary with her.”

      It will come down to boundaries, such as you refusing to have any conversations other than those that are relevant and even stating that if this doesn’t happen then you will only communicate with her through a communication portal such as Our Family Wizard https://www.ourfamilywizard.com

      Chances are you will need to enforce this – and then Module away all of the fallout she will try to throw as a result of you doing that.

      I hope this helps Michael, and thank you for your lovely best wishes to all!

      Mel xo

  40. I dated a narc for 3 months. It was only three months of manipulation and control but it still took a toll on me. Thank GOD it wasn’t longer, because I don’t know where I’d be. The level of depression and has made me physically ill. I gave up so much of myself for this man! All the hurt and pain of being jerked around was crushing and was beginning to affect my job.

    This is my second run at ‘no contact’ and this time I’m sticking to it (blocked his number). I’m sure he’ll move on to find someone who will stroke his monstrous ego now that I’ve completely detached. He sent emails today asking if I was “okay”, probably seeing if I’d respond, but I see through his manipulation. Why wouldn’t I be okay?! He said it was the last time he would respond so maybe it’s really over.

    Your video was very helpful. I will be very crushed to see him with someone else, but I can rest easy knowing that he isn’t changing… and the same problems will resurface in his next relationship. I need to work on healing myself and taking care of #1.

    My friend introduced me to your blog and I just subscribed so THANK YOU. This video couldn’t have come at a better time.

  41. I love that I know it in my entire being that I do not have to be a martyr! wow! I have been working on this for soooooooooo long. Every day I want to remember this vow I am making to me- I release the need to be a martyr. amen!

  42. Mel,
    This video was amazing and helpful. But I need help dealing with a Sociopathic Narcisse, she is my adult daughter.
    How do I deal with her? Does your healing course address this type of issue? I don’t know where else to turn.
    I signed up for your healing course, I pray that you can help us!

  43. Thank you again for a brilliant video.

    But i think you missed #4?

    #1 They already ended the relationship
    #2 They make contact about random things
    #3 They appear to show accountability
    #4 ?
    #5 They have an issue or injury
    #6 They trigger us to get our attention
    #7 They move and and replace you with new supply

  44. Hi Melanie,

    It is sweet what you say in your website, when we start to do deep healing, we will be “unrecognizable within a couple of short months”. Indeed! I was a shaky, confused, suicidal, depressed mess (after the n relationship ended), and now (after about 8 months) I’m pretty serene, balanced, happy me again! <3 He does not even come to my mind so often, if at all, anymore. And if he does, the memories do not have such an emotional "charge" anymore.

    We have no contact, he does not even try to contact/hoover me. I think it was his "final punishment" to never, ever communicate with me anymore.

    I know this is silly, I already know what is the right thing to do and I think I already know your advice too… 🙂 But…I've been doing fine for weeks and months now, no obsession and I feel my life is happily n-free…but his birthday is within a couple of weeks and suddenly I felt this desire to send him a greeting. Why I feel this way? I know it is a very bad idea. I do not want to "open the communcation lines", I do not even expect a reply for him, nothing, I already know to expect nothing from him, except chaos and madness…

    My "problem" is that I'm just a caring, polite, warm person, I like to delight others, that's what a normal good person does! I feel myself cold and uncaring if I just ignore other people's special days. This was my first ever "real" boyfriend (how ironic the word "real" feels now! And I was 38 years old, I'm not a teenager!), so I'm not sure, is it so, that even if an ex would have been a completely normal, non-n man, it is not a habit to send them birthday/christmas etc. greetings anymore then when the relationship has ended? I don't know if I'm silly to feel this way, I'm not in love with him anymore, neither feel anything negative about him, many things he did were indeed hideous, offending and bizarre and I don't want this harmful person in my life anymore…but even so, even after all this, I sincerely hope he will have a good birthday. I just have a good heart, it that a "bad" thing?

    1. Hi A.L.

      This is wonderful that you have been doing so well!

      Okay … if you are a NARPer, http://www.melanietoniavans.com/narp , the easiest remedy is to take those feelings to a Module and release them and replace them and then 1) They simply won’t be there and 2) whatever hook” you need to heal beyond – evolve yourself from – you just have!

      This is what you are healing “If I don’t grant other people best wishes its terrible.” which of course has no place with self-love, worth and value as a Thriver being your greatest responsibility to yourself and Life.

      Does this make sense?

      Mel xo

      1. Hi Melanie!

        Yes, makes sense! 🙂 I read your post “why n’s are so entitled”, and I realised…when he has behaved badly and despite that if I continue to be nice towards him…it just reinforces this his belief and behavior, that he can behave in any way he wants and he is still entitled to be treated as a “special one”. I think it is time for me to put some boundaries (something I never did, probably the number one reason I became abused in the first place!): if he behaves badly and no apology, I won’t be with him anymore. Time for him to learn a lesson…yeah right, as if a n would ever learn anything, he simply doesn’t care!
        Ok, I hear you, indeed it is best that I won’t send anything to him! 🙂

  45. Hi Melanie~ I was at my surgeon’s office yesterday (having a knee replacement on the 28th) and he had me meet with the office manager to get a brochure. Out of the blue she asked me what was wrong. I said what do you mean?”. She said you look beaten down. I said “well, I lost my 19-year-old son 15 years ago in a m/c accident, I lost my oldest granddaughter last year at 18 years old from heart failure from mitochondrial disorder and my 37-year-old daughter is a narcissistic sociopath and has been since she was a baby. She has an older sister who is a NARC so she gave me your website. I am so thankful she did. I will be signing up for your Forum shortly if I can afford it. I am having multiple bone replacement surgeries and Medicare and insurance do not cover everything.

    I am newly as of last week No Contact. My husband (who is awesome, we’ve been married 41 years) were No Contact before, about eight years ago and that lasted three years until her youngest daughter was born (by the third father). Then we did No Contact again about three years ago until she called me from her best friend’s wedding pleading with me to “have a normal unconditional loving relationship with her”. I gave in with reservation. Since then she has continually lied, stolen, wrecked my husband’s car that he was dumb enough to lend her (after she had wrecked both her and her boyfriend’s cars last year). She has destroyed my lifelong good credit and even told me that we HAD to buy her a new car, that it was our duty. I am her Target, always have been. My son was my protector from her physical abuse (body slamming, biting my finger down to the bone, etc.) and the minute he got home from school he would check on me and ask if she had done anything that day or he would come home and pull her off me (she is almost 6 feet tall and I’m 5’4″). After my son was killed she told me to “just get over it, it’s all about me now”. My neighbor at the time was a cop and he observed her “holding court” outside with all my son’s guy friends like nothing had happened to him. She is one cold B—-. The primary thing that has and is helping me is that I became a born-again Christian after my son died. I talk to Jesus out loud in a normal one-sided conversation every day about her, saying “God, I have given her to you because you know I am powerless to help or change her”. I told her last week that it was my last phone call and she hung up.

    Then, watching your initial video last night and then your video about NARC fathers. Wow! I always thought my father was just a bigoted southerner who believed women were only good for sex, cooking and cleaning and to be seen and not heard! I was beaten all my life (with a thick leather belt) until my mom found out he had been fooling around with his women clients (he was a custom cabinet maker i.e. kitchen cabinets) and others and had illegitimate children all over the place. I was beaten even if my brother was the culprit. If I asked him to do something with me or take me somewhere he’d say no, your brother might want to do that. He’d always ask me, “Isn’t your daddy good looking?” I always said no. I’m surprised he didn’t slap me. He would give expensive toys and electronics and such to my brother; I maybe get a doll worth $10. I was lucky to have a wonderful mom. I didn’t see my dad much until I gave birth to my son and he called saying “I hear I have a grandson!” I said “I don’t know about that, but I have a son!” My family participated in seeing him a few times until I finally said, “If you can’t stop all this you being melancholy and everything being all about you, don’t call me anymore”. So he didn’t. I found out many years later while on the internet that he had died. He too was a NARC, so no great loss. My brother was too.

    I am strong and I am healing.

    1. Hi Lin,

      oh my goodness, I am so pleased you found your way here to this Community – you have been through SO much.

      I am so sorry for your losses Dear Lady and my heart goes out to you.

      I wish you healing and strength and being totally able to heal the incredible trauma you have been through.

      Mel xo

  46. I am so thankful to have found Melanie’s page. I have been agonizing trying to expell my anger my frustration, my wasted energy wondering what, why ,how, and again why do I ask myself why.
    To listen to Kayla’s story was empowering. I left a 6 year relationship 1 year ago. Moved out with my families help in a day at a moments notice. I could not prepare for the move I could not indicate my intentions because the backlash is unbareable. The day of was exactly as I new it would be, I could not be in the room alone with him, not that I feared physical pain but the mental emotional pain as soon as he found out I was leaving. One moment I was loading the trailer alone he made his way to make snyde comments fortunately my sister was aware and came right out and of course he stopped. It takes about 2 months before I hear from him, this is the time frame the replacements last. Just as I think I’m strong enough to reply to the “Hi how are you doing” text I quickly realize I wasn’t. I got sucked in only to be kicked around emotionally by MYSELF. I was the one beating myself up for giving in. Each time about every Two months for the past year in and out of communication and always He quickly wants multiple contacts through the day , encounters in person and if I say no the manipulation is rediculous. I realize his lies are begining or never stopped with This most recent time 3 weeks ago after talking for a month I distance myself I go back to no contact mode because I started feeling the emotional prison wall building. I feel less constricted less uptight to a point with no contact, but then again every time I get a text a call an email because I won’t reply to texts or answer calls my anxiety builds. He wants to. Know why I won’t talk to him , I so badly want to tell him why but it does no good he will never take responsibility or admit any wrong doing he will say I am over reacting I don’t know what I’m talking about. But I do know and to be treated as tho I am stupid and naieve is overwhelming. So no contact is my tool. I will try to stay strong with no replies.
    Thank you Melanie for allowing us to vent, read, explore helpful tips to heal and gain strength to move on.

  47. Melanie PLEASE HELP!

    Going no contact has had the opposite effect on a narcissistic woman in my workplace.

    She can tell that I have been ignoring her and it seems to have given her a hit of supply!!! She is happier than I have ever seen her, she is talking loudly and laughing loudly and is acting very confident.

    It seems like going no contact has been a cue to her that she has deeply affected me and she is very pleased. Now it is even more difficult to be around her. She now hoovers and stares at a distance watching my every move as happy as the joker.

    Now what?

    1. Hi Anya,

      the next step is for you to go inside you and claim and heal the wounds that are causing this to trigger you.

      That is the healing and that is when a) you couldn’t care less about this and b) when she is likely to stop it.

      N’s bring us the evidence of our wounds – when we heal them the N experience dissolves.

      Mel xo

      1. Thank you so much for the reply Melanie!!

        I’ve analyzed things and I think I have some fear inside that is keeping me triggered.

        I will look through your resources for some help with that.

        Thanks again Melanie!!<3

  48. Hi Melanie, I stumbled across your blog on a quest to understand my feelings after ending a narcissistic friendship. I could not believe how “on point” you were and felt like you understood exactly what I’m going through. I went “no contact” with her back in July and was contacted by her husband about a month ago explaining that she is not doing well emotionally because of an ongoing problem with her tooth and she wished that she could have me back in her life for emotional support and he wished that we could be like “sisters” again. I realized after my last conversation with her back in July wherein she accused me of being a terrible friend and that I’ve changed for the worse. The reason she felt this way was because I quit my job of 18 years (she was my manager) I moved about an hour and a half away and when I broke the news to her that I was moving, it was the wrong time because she was recovering from the chicken pox (which she was but she was really doing fine and healing very nicely). Long story short, she kicked me out of her house and treated me poorly (ignoring, accusing, then okay with me then not okay with me… it was a roller coaster of emotions) until the day that I moved. This went on for almost 3 months. I told her husband that I could not be there for her emotionally any more because it will never be enough. I then proceeded to block both their numbers and unfriend on FB (which by the way, she already unfriended me!) Our relationship was toxic beyond belief and completely one-sided. I didn’t realize that until after I stopped contact and really looked at our relationship. I suffer terrible anxiety and cannot get her out of my head. I have always put her first, ahead myself and my family sometimes. I appreciate all you are doing for everyone feeling the same way I am. There is so much more to this story but only so much space to write! Thank you for listening 🙂

    1. Hi Patty,

      stay strong and keep up the No Contact and please know that the obsession and trauma are granting us always a wonderful opportunity to heal something from our earlier years (that is unconsciously in repeat) that the narcissist was making conscious for us.

      If we do that we go up vibrationally to a much more incredible level of self and life and get free absolutely from the hooks of the narcissist.

      I would suggest experiencing my free webinar to more deeply understand this Patty – which you can access through here: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Sending many blessings and wonderful healing to you 🙂

      Mel xo

  49. I just watched this on youtube. I can so attest to the truth of all of this! I did make the mistake of letting him.come back. Regret it, but the more time passes i see him for the narssistic man he is. This so describes what happened to me and how i came to let him come back. Working on getting out now, for good. I can see it so clearly now… just gotta work on not reacting to his bull… lol. That one is hard for me, but i can see why i need to. Thank you for laying it out so plain and clear and confirming what i have come to believe with all my heart!

  50. Thanks a lot for this work that you do! You helped give me a better understanding of what and why I was allowing this to happen to me. That’s the first time I’ve heard someone explain why it’s so important to focus on healing the old wounds which help get one past being hooked. Thank you very much, all the best to you 🙂

  51. HI, Melanie. I have “no contact” with two of my sisters just in the past 6 weeks. They have been emotionally abusive all my adult life. I just realized what it was when they were so happy that I was having a problem in my marriage and we’re thrilled that I might leave him, a man who loves me dearly. They were angry at me for staying and turned on me with verbal abuse. I feel free of their toxic behaviour. Of course it has a ripple effect as I come from a family of six kids and their partners and children. It’s so liberating to not care what they think of me. I’ve cried many tears thinking there must be something wrong with me. I’m so thankful I had that Aha! moment. The holidays will be interesting, but I feel good about it. It will be my husband and our three daughters. I’m looking forward to a real Christmas with no walking on eggshells.

  52. It’s been four months since I divorced a narcissist who had cheated on me with two women at the same time–all the while looking me in the eye and telling me I was just suspicious. When I found out the truth, I immediately divorced him and during that process I learned all about narcissistic supply and how he had played me for 9 years. Once the divorce details were ironed out, I went “no contact”. He has tried to contact me 7 times and every time I ignore him, I feel more empowered. Thank you for this video–another tool in my toolbox to keep moving forward and living a life of freedom.

  53. Dear Melanie,

    You are an angel in disguise! You have no idea how much you’ve helped me. I now realize that I lost my dear mom to a bunch of wicked, evil narcissists (brother’s wife, brother and their 2 kids – all of them are extremely abusive). Unfortunately, they used my mom in unbelievable ways. They manipulated her into doing certain things that have now become highly problematic for me. My mom became their co-dependent and she couldn’t shake them off. Finally, she left earth (guess she has finally gone “no contact” with these bullies)

    These bullies have been targeting me and abusing me as well for many years (appropriating my resources, guilt tripping, manipulating and putting me down at every available opportunity). Currently, I have very, very, very limited contact with these abusers and their flying monkeys. The reason I’ve gone “v v v low contact” rather than “no contact” is because I have some legal issues to resolve with them (yeah, THEY caused all the mess
    and I’m the one who’s footing the legal bills to clear up what they’ve caused!!). They have the nerve to tell me that they have my best interest at heart! 1000% phony and fake).

    I want nothing to do with them. I feel nothing for these people. I just want to protect my financial assets from these cunning foxes.
    My life is improving by the minute. It feels good to reclaim my power from these destructive, emotional vampires.

    Melanie, I’m extremely grateful to you for your amazing advice. I’ve watched all your videos on YouTube. YOU ROCK!! 🙂

    1. Hi Anon,

      I am so pleased I could help and my heart goes out to you in regard to your poor mother. And I so hope you empower you and are no longer susceptible.

      Wishing you incredible breakthrough strength and power Anon.

      Mel xo

  54. Hi, again, Melanie — just a couple of things more…..firstly a clarification — I know that “no contact” is all about regaining one’s power and moving forward in life…..I take back my earlier statement that my mom has finally gone “no contact” with these bullies…I didn’t mean it that way…. I know and fully understand that these bullies sucked the life out of her and finally she had had enough. She lost her will to live — she wanted to die — death brought her “no contact” with these despicable creatures. My mom was a very caring and giving person, and these monsters just took, took, took from her. Melanie, you may find this hard to believe, but I know that my dear mom still reaches out to me!! That’s why I’m feeling stronger by the minute.

    My narcissists are low lives….vv tricky…..they are still using my mom to manipulate me…”Mom wanted you to bla bla bla”. How low can these people stoop? Brother’s wife is definitely the RING LEADER – loves drama, although you’d never believe she’s this way if you meet her – she’s as quiet as a mouse and comes off as extremely agreeable in public. Her nasty facial expressions and underhanded snide remarks are shown only in private to her unsuspecting targets. She is the “chief” narcissist who manipulates everyone, including my brother and their kids (who are all narcissists as well!!). For many years, I had no idea that I was even targeted by these monsters. They are so tricky!

    Cutting them loose and living well is the best revenge. Thanks, Melanie!

  55. Melanie
    Thank goodness for you and the moderators on NARP.
    I have been doing the work for 5 weeks since I went NC, I was discarded. I split with N nearly 3 years ago after a 9 year relationship, we lived together.
    During the the last 3 years I have been back and forth trying to have a proper conversation and get N to take responsibility. TBH I had no idea what I was dealing with, I had not heard the term covert narcissistic before. Even when I did I didn’t want to believe it.
    I have been through all the 7 stages. The discard for me is how you describe it. As I say I am 5 weeks in and I realized that this was my opportunity to break free.
    I have blocked him, and new feed, on everything.
    I suffer from aggriphobia as he lives in same village, n moved 5 mins down the road. N has been flaunting new feed in village. Also there is only one toad in and out. I occasionally pass him on the road. This triggers me hugely. I look straight ahead and repeat Rebecca, you are doing a great job, I am proud of you, you are safe.
    I do the narp work mostly twice a day. I have 2 kids and run my own business as a Homoeopath.
    This road is powerful and I am learning about myself. I work with the obsessions as much as I can, when I catch them.
    Bless you

  56. My ex is a narcissist. I was with him almost 2 years. It was horrible. We have a 3 month old son together. My ex lives 3 houses down from me. So i took my son for a 2 hour visit and i go in the house and he still has our pics hanging. And we havent been together in a month. Is that nornal?

  57. Soooo needed to hear this..I kept thinking it must be me who’s the narcissist but I think he brought out the worst in me due to feelings of worthlessness and telling me I look god awful then next time I was nice looking I truly fell in love with him like never before he was funny and we seemed to share an already depressed past, I wanted to see him happy wanted to help him.. would have done anything for him. He really messed with my head and I constantly questioned if he loved me or not. He would be like I do love you then I wish I loved you but I love you as a friend, which was the disaster of him wanting friends with benefits knowing I loved him I can see gave him a massive ego boost which left me mentally, emotionally and physically drained to the point of wanting to die and questioning my own being…when I got hurt one night out with him and colleagues he up and left, then accused me of ignoring him, no apology for not seeing if i was ok after needing an ambulance, all he saw was I’d ruined his night out as he was so looking forward to it and seemed to think I done it on purpose. I walked away saying enough now I can’t do no more, then he tried to kill himself with serious consequences leaving him now needing care 24hrs and me rallying to help all I can for him because I love him despite it all. Then as he’s starting to recover more and not needing my help he tells me he never ever loved me or had any feelings for me…liked me as a friend and that was it . I reacted by calling him a manipulative narcissist etc which was served with no response just silence for 4wks until I felt bad for what I’d said and again apologied to him he then talks to me again.
    His friends and family hate me as I’m sure they think I’m all drama and not helping his recovery. People feel sorry for him like I did..how can I still want a man who never wanted me , who I don’t know if he cares at all.. I don’t like to think people see me as a bad person, I’m always the sorry one apologies to his family and friends then feel an idiot.
    I don’t know anymore just seems very unfair I went through hell and suicide for how I wanted him, maybe I am the crazy one…what’s wrong with me he’s very happy now and I’m miserable 😩

    1. Hi Jayne,

      sweetheart, what is “wrong” is just that you have unresolved trauma which has been with you before him – that has made you attached to trying to gain unavailable others, not dedicated to you, to love you.

      What is happening now is agonizing, because all of this has been brought up to the surface and it needs your attention to heal it. It’s screaming for you – not him.

      Jayne, its time to heal this The Thriver Way – my methods are the specific way to heal our unresolved unfinished stuff that hooks us into people who can’t and won’t love us (this was all of our plights with a narcissist) please come into my free webinar – and your healing can finally begin: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      When we have had enough of the pain Jayne, that is when we start doing this necessary work.

      Mel xo

  58. Im in a relationshio with a narcist als. I deel I,m loosing my mond. Everything is wrong about me. Is it my fault. I wanten. The Lovely person back. Liefs in the beginning. I,m broke again. Im tired. Sorry Fucking tired. I have tot stop now. Because I have an appointment with my dokter. My right ear is. Like Its ful. I can,t heare Good with it. Thats why I can not tell you more right now. I need help…..

  59. Hi Melanie. I am in a slightly different boat where I have been constantly discarded, and this time it is his final discard as far as I can make out . It has always been me begging and texting him over the years. This time he has told me its over and I do believe it. I am trauma bonded, that I know. So today is the first time ever that I have even tried to go no contact. I have to because my health has suffered so much and I cant take being rejected for weeks on end anymore and being told I am worthless. He has never initiated contact before. What is the likelihood of a narcissist doing a hoover when they were the one who have told you they have moved on and for you not to contact them again? I am concerned that if I succeed in N.C he might contact me and twist his reason for neglecting me around, to make it appear he had no choice but to leave me because i was causing drama or some other excuse, when i am sure he has left due to a new supply. This will be the first time ever in 8 years that I go N.C. wish me luck! But due to him telling me he has moved on and to not contact him, is it pretty safe to say that I wont hear from him down the track? Thanks for all your educational videos by the way. 🙂

    1. Hi Steph,

      Truly sweetheart, and I know how hard all of this is.

      Trying to work out what he may do, equals how to lose and simply denies us of our own love and healing back to wholeness and drains us of our life force.

      We just get more sick.

      Your only salvation and relief from this is to turn inwards and start healing you.

      The first step is here: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      There is nothing else to do …

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  60. Hi. Good video. It clarifies a great deal. Thank you.

    Regarding point 7. What if that other source of energy are the children. I.e. the children are being the target and weapons to fuel the ego and get to me.

    I rather stay and take the hit than watch as the kids are being manipulated and attacked.

    Your video is good and I do appreciate the information. But most of these advice and information only scratches the surface. Often. People can’t just walk away especially when children are involved. But no one wants to touch that subject. Well it’s a subject that is fantastically important to bring up. As these type of videos or information are not really applicable but do help you to
    Understand that you are not going insane.

    Again thank you for the post.

    1. I left with a child. I am modeling for my child how to self partner and heal. It takes time. The courage to leave takes time. But, my child will be better for it. He can see the truth of his Dad, now. He can self partner with my help, seeing me model how to heal and do it. He knows what to look for in a relationship and he is learning how to trust his intuition by watching me respect my own intuition. I used to be afraid if I left, he’d blame me for the rest of his life for being without a father. Now, he sees how hard I have worked to heal and help him skip this path in life by focusing on what he already needs to heal as a result of being the child in a dysfunctional marriage.

  61. Hi,
    I have been reading a lot about narcissistic partners. I have suffered and still am in this web of narcissistic manipulation and abuse by my mother and sister. They have ruined my relationship with my father and my community. What do you suggest the recovery and healing process is?
    Looking forward to hear from you!

  62. Hi Melanie, you are talking to my heart today. A year after no contact I had ran into the narc as,we work at the same place but different shifts. I had to do overtime and he waited several times as if he wanted to say something. I stayed strong with no contact but he looked so horrible I wondered if his cancer came back so I ask a friend what was wrong. He informed me the narcs 26 year old daughter overdosed and passed away. I broke no contact and messaged him my condolences. His other daughter is in prison at the age of 20 for drug abuse and lost custody of her children
    . The messages started out friendly …I informed him I was not interested in talking about us, just helping him get his living daughter help. My heart went out to him but found out later he told a friend he knew if I heard about his daughter I would come back. His fb still had our pictures together as his last public post 2 years ago (I have since deleted them so he can’t use them to invoke jealousy on another woman as he tried with me and his ex) and he still has in a relationship with me as his status. He started telling me he was going out..off topic…to try to make me jealous and most recently driving home from work he followed me down the road and pulled up next to me..something told me not to look. Maybe he had someone in the car. He raced ahead of me as I pretended not to see and turned off towards a park he and I use to frequent. I kept going on and to my home. I have not messaged him nor told him I saw him. He is right back to his games and I want no part of it
    How I feel for his children. One can only imagine the abuse they suffered and their mom is deceased. I felt guilty for not saying anything about his daughter passing and that’s why I broke no contact. As you said in this video, my need to heal and fix thinking he will LOVE me. He never will. 75 text messages all about him. It’s all about getting his supply and even using the death of a daughter to get it. I will go back to no contact Melanie and work on me. No turning back anymore as they don’t change, they don’t want to.The man I loved never existed….Thank you for all your information on this subject. Many of us had no idea this type of person existed. Prior to this I had been married 33 years to the best man ever. He pasted away from cancer 16 months prior to meeting the narc. Very hard being treated like a queen all those years and lose my soulmate and then fall for a narc who wasn’t real…..but a real life lesson. Never again!

    1. Awww Bonnie,

      That is totally understandable why you broke no contact. His poor children.

      Sending you love and strength Dear Lady. No Contact no matter the circumstances is the only way.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  63. All seven things ring sooo true in my ears! It still just amazes me that I was with him for a total of 23 yrs. And I never knew what narcissist was!! I was seventeen when we got together. He always told me how gullible and naive I was. That, I now realize was his first tactic to get in my head and break down my confidence in myself and show me how I really needed him. I won’t go into the whole long long story of those years. It’s been told many times over here in the comments I’ve read. And I feel for each and every person who had to deal with a narcissist. I do wish to share one thing that almost took me down. He actually married a woman with my same name, Shannon. But not only that. He married her on our same wedding anniversary! Oh my goodness. That took alot out of me. But in the end, they got divorced recently…. and then he started texting me again. 🙄😶🤨 ummm.. NO!! STAY STRONG LADIES!!! AND MEN!! I LOVE YOU ALL!!!

  64. What is the best module or approach to help me stop worrying about my son’s needs not getting met in my absence before we have any experience with how he will do with the new supply? They have met, but he will soon have to spend his first night with his Dad and the new supply, hours long distance away from me. My son just turned 11 and has certain fears that are not quite understood by others. I keep saying, what if he is afraid and they make him do this or that alone or on his own… Or, what if he is afraid to speak up about what he needs to the new supply… Or, what if the new supply and his Dad discourage him from checking in with me if he feels the need to do so?

    1. Hi Margaret,

      The most effective way yoy can help your child would be with Module 1 or the Goal Setting Module and then after clearing your traumas about this, you can do work by proxy directly on him.

      This video series helps explain.



      I so hope this helps, and please know for more specific guidance the NARP forum is invaluable, as there are many people in there who understand and can support what you are going through.


      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  65. I have been in my relationship for 25 years… This is before you had a name for it..
    Everything you have said, is spot on.. I am on my last leg here now, over the years I have fought back with the knowledge of what he is really trying to accomplish and why he does it… he has retaliated by having an affair over the internet and has to react physically towards me because he no longer gets the reaction he craves. Of course the affair is my fault and I even tried to open myself up more to please him, he then showed his gratitude by calling me a whore. I’ve grown immune to the pain I guess. Its hard not to laugh when he begins the SCRIPT, I literally can tell you every can of ammunition he will use and I’ve grown so indifferent to it because he’s only using it because his footing is slipping. The getting another one in the wings was balls on!.. All those feeling I’m going through now… I know I have to leave and it will be pretty soon. But again spot on about why we stay, in so afraid of the consequences and the punishment it’s easier to stay than to be reminded that this isn’t a relationship and for more than half my life this man who claims I’m his gift from God has told him yet again that I have another gift warrior for the kingdom, even if youk in have to sin to get it, it’s all right you are my special

  66. Im so Lost! Ive put myself in a very bad position with this Narcissists! He has drained me of everything! I don’t have the financial means because I was dumb enough to believe we were getting married (only to find out he has ben having an affair! We have lived together for 3 years, together 6) Single Mom, special needs son…haven’t worked in 20 years .


  67. Hi, you have helped me with your vídeos, is ir posible that this Narcissist, came to muy work, brought ne a flower a letter that sais, he is not apologysing, he is just doing things the right way because no contact is no the right way after so nuch weve been trought, and thats all muy fault and he didnt do anything wrong, wich madre ME felt like the narcissist because i felt so mean, I went home and started watching your vídeos, what should I do? Justo focus con what I know and how can I feel better about my self? I want to love me so much into the point Im happy with the choices I make, thank you ver y mucho, and I hope you reply to me, Im writting you from México! 🙂 also he came to muy work from another state wich make me feel a litlee bit guilty forma not even listen what he was saying, but really he hurt me so nuch i dont evento ser him the same way, hope you can help me out

  68. This was a fantastic video!!

    Today is actually the 2 year mark of No Contact for me. It really is the only way to heal and move on. Funny thing is, i thought the Narcissist who blindsided me (the exact word she used the day i was dumped) was going to be my future wife. So i’m extremely thankful that did not happen, as i would have been very miserable & depressed. There were too many red flags during the relationship that i simply ignored, and that is my fault. Lesson learned.

    I only get setbacks when i see her comments in my Facebook memories. So whenever i spot one, i delete it so that i’ll have no memory of it whatsoever moving forward.

    If i were to randomly run into her while i was out, i would speak but keep it cordial and not accept any offers to hang out.

    Everything truly does happen for a reason!

    1. I had a classic off/ on rollercoaster relationship with a narcissist for 8 years. I had NO idea what I was dealing with most of that time. I was constantly flabbergasted at how awful he could be to me right after we spent what I thought was a great time together. But that’s beside the point now. Six months ago I went complete no contact… no prior warning to him… no hurtful last words… no goodbye… no tears… no problem. In fact, I had been moving away from him emotionally for the last couple of years, and I was feeling more and more relieved. One day I simply decided that any contact with the man was ridiculous. He was never going to change. We were not FRIENDS. Our relationship would always leave me feeling stupid and hurt, and that’s exactly how he liked me to feel.

      I did wonder, though, what he might DO once he realized I was really gone. I am sure he was puzzled. What the hell just happened?? Lol. He did try several times to contact me. I actually got PHONE CALLS and VOICE MAILS from him, which was hilarious because during our “relationship” he used to text me almost exclusively, as if I didn’t even rate a real phone call. Of course, I blocked his phone number. I blocked email and social media too. That was it. He never showed up on my doorstep. He didn’t send me anonymous texts from a strange cell number. My best guess is he realized the jig was up. There was no use going through extra effort because (A) I wasn’t worth the trouble, and (B) there was no way to get me back the way he wants me… vulnerable and clueless. So, I assume he moved on to new supply, but I don’t care.

      However, there was something he did during a previous break up that Melanie talks about in this video. He texted me to tell me he was depressed and suicidal! I was astounded and predictably sympathetic. And we got back together. The abuse picked up again almost immediately. Funny thing…he never talked about his depression any more. Hmmm. I am so glad not to be a sucker for that BS today.

      I just want to say one more thing to anyone still struggling with the “what’s he doing?” questions during no contact. It is natural to wonder and even to hope the narcissist is suffering. But those thoughts will pass with time, and it won’t take as long as you think it will. Trust and believe he is carrying on … being the same abusive person he always was, just with someone else. If he is actively trying to get YOU to come back, it’s because he wants that power over you again. That is not love. Be ready to let go. You survived the worst and you matter. You deserve the same loving treatment you give.

  69. I need help, and I don’t even know where to start. I don’t know who I am anymore. I used to have so much confidence, and now I don’t know if it is me or him that is the problem.

  70. Hi. I am 20 years into my marriage with a narcissist. We have 8 kids blended but the last 3 still at home are ours. 17, 9, 7. I’m beyond ready for a divorce even though I am a Christian and I really need help. I am beyond terrified of my husband even though I have started to fight back. Please help me and my children so we can live a healthy, happy, peaceful life in Jesus. I need hope.

  71. Thanks Mel, wonderfully stuff! I’d like to share my own commitment to moving forward without my narc, in the hope it may help others. I’m currently in Month 3 of the silent phase.

    “For my own sake, for all the pain and hurt you gave me, for all the lies you told about me, for the cynical manipulation of me, I forgive you. I will not carry a grudge. I will move forward with my life – wiser and stronger and better equipped to deal with broken people like you. Unlike you, I like myself, warts and all. I embrace all of me good, average and bad. In this forgiveness, I move forward and not in circles.

    I forgive myself for not listening to my common sense, my friends and most importantly my spouse, and for almost ruining my life. I forgive myself for having unresolved childhood abuse issues that made me such a perfect lip-biting, self-flagellating, submissive, empathetic fit for your version of needy, narcissistic soul leeching. I forgive myself for wanting to be your life companion so badly, that I compromised almost all of my personal and moral boundaries.

    I write this with free will, self-determination and purpose, so that may it always remind me to be more judicious and deliberate when sharing myself with others.

    This I swear. No contact beyond occasions where politeness is unavoidable, and the absolute minimum amount needed to dissuade, if and when necessary. “

  72. I just came across this and it hit the nail on the head. After 13 long years of doing this I finally tried to cut the tie. It was a month before I heard anything from him then I would tell by his demented I still love you, still care for you that there was something missing. I was strong for 2 months then I missed him. I know crazy right. Then I reached out to him and he told me he had moved on but he thinks of me and my son every day blah blah. It sent me into a depression so bad the past week. So many things I see now , ugh it will take me a long time to get over but now I understand the power he had.

    Thanks for the video.

  73. I cried watching this. I was just dumped by a narc and I know she had someone else lined up. This has helped me so much. I’m grateful for the fact that I knew it was coming but I didn’t know she was a narc. I (fortunately) have started dating someone else which helped me healed and the new person wasn’t out of the blue. I actually saw this breakup coming and started getting to know my new dating partner when I knew the narc was going to end it.

    She kept bringing up an ex and I knew that she was going to give it a third shot with him. I was prepared but it stung. She told me that she wanted to date me exclusively but never got off dating sites. She kept dropping hints and I heard her loud and clear and although it hurt, I knew it was coming and was happy to have the opportunity to moving one with someone else.

    Ironically I get to present to her company in a couple of weeks and I’ve gone NC. I know she will try to be cordial and try to reach out again but I told her when we broke up that I’m not friends with exes and I’m ready to reinforce that.

    Thank you so much for the tips and this has helped me tremendously.

  74. My ex narc was the joy of my life handsome tall women wanted him. I felt that is god sent. We had a many good times together. We was together for ten months. I had an injury at work and he was still good to me. He even went to church and my church members fell in love with him and my family. But then things went down hill he told me that I was too expensive, who is going to take care of him I did not respond even though we were there for each other. Then he said he was not going nowhere that we are soulmates I was an attractive woman he thought he outgrown me then he would things that my daughter was his daughter Im a bachelor and single but wanted to know who was I seeing you are my woman you are trying to run away but still giving me the silent treatment . Even though he said he loved me it was hard for him to say it after getting out a relationship. So I ask was I a rebound he told me no. I asked him that I needed closure he went off and said You know I care about you . Once I decided to stop chasing him and go no contact. I realized that I love myself even more. Yes it hurts it hurts like crazy. You would not think that demonic people are out there like that but quora has helped me so much. I know the road i’s not going to be easy but I am making sure that I won’t get on a dead end road again

  75. Dear Melanie
    I have not read all the replies so I do not know if/when you answered this already. Here it goes.
    I have recently finally cut off from a person and a toxic relationship. I finally got the message that I do not matter. I am concerned that there is still supply that he can get from me as I have not worked thru my triggers. I have read yours and other articles about narcissism. I am ready to move on (per your article).
    My big question is: The ex lives in my building and even next door to two of my good friends. I have been avoiding the person. But to do that I need to aware of his comings and goings. I watch for his car. Thankfully he has a pretty regular schedule. The thing is I want to stop giving his space in my head. Maybe this will happen naturally as I heal. I have been in and out of the relationships for about 4 years; I have taken space to heal when it has gotten toxic or such so there are huge gaps in our relation. I am at the point that I am happy, will be relieved, if he has moved on. But in all these gaps, except when he has been away for the winter, he is still taking space in my head.
    Please help. What can I do now to heal?
    I will sign up for any free classes you have. Thank you.

    1. P.S. I have no idea of he knows he is my ‘ex’. I have chosen to ghost him rather than break up with him. I suspect he will try to manipulate, love bomb or hurt me if I ‘end’ it. I am told by loved ones to say hi and keep going if I see him.

    2. Hi Cher,

      this is a really good question and such a common one after narcissistic abuse.

      Absolutely when you heal, the thoughts just melt away.

      My NARP Program powerfully releases the trauma within that is generating these thoughts and then you go free – it starts happening quicker than you think it can.


      I hope this helps and sending you healing and breakthrough

      Mel 🙏💕💚

  76. Very interesting and extremely sad to read the above. I just wanted to say that it’s not just men that are narcissistic, my beautiful son was married to one. Very sadly the only way he knew to escape was to end his own life.

    Since his passing we have pieced together her conversations/ actions , with us and with him and her being narcissistic is the only explanation we can find. I did not even know about any of this before then.

    My love and prayers for every one in this terrible kind of relationship is that you are able stay strong and find the strength and support to get out of it.

    By being on here shows you realise what you are up against, which is a massive step. Not sure my boy did.

  77. Thanks Mel! You are slowly saving me! Your Love and caring has mad a difference in my life! I have been married 37 years and battling this demon the whole time! Until 5 years ago I had no idea what was happening! I was getting more depressed and physically sick! I have more children ( All adults now) and I know they are affected! My two daughters see the truth but my two Sons are in his grasp! I pray for them everyday and try to educate them without loosing them! It’s a fine line!! I purchased your NARP program a couple weeks ago and I am slowly wrapping my mind around where to start! I have been out of this relationship for almost a year!!I found a safe place physically and mentally with a good friend and I am healing! Very slowly but still moving forward!! It’s amazing how when I stand out of the trama and look in I see things more clearly and the fog starts to lift! I still can’t believe this horrific ride I was on! So much time spent wondering what was going on and so many tears! I feel I have lost so much life! I haven’t been living my true life!! I was stuck in this battle of always wondering what was going on! He had an”Friend” for 20 years! I feel so stupid! I am going thru a divorce! He hasn’t been served yet so that will be another battle, But I just want to thank you so much!! All your emails and videos have helped so much! You truly saved my life! I’m forever grateful to you🙏❤️. I’m going to gear up and start this program! I can’t wait till everything is behind me! Thanks again…..

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