Melanie Tonia Evans

How To Stop Playing the Narcissist’s Game – And Win

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 36
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

There is nothing more frustrating than trying to make a narcissist accountable, responsible and behave like a decent human being.  We try everything to make life happy, peaceful and sane but nothing works.

We are looking to have a game of friendly croquet in a deadly hell zone with machine guns, rocket launchers and missiles – all designed to hit hard and render you powerless enough to be fully controlled and to hand over what the narcissist requires to feed their insatiable False Self.

Most of us, like my former self, have no idea WHAT the narcissist’s game is and why we will never win at it.

However, in today’s Thriver TV episode we are going to peel all this back to firmly understand the narcissist’s game as well as what our TRUE game is and how to make sure we WIN our rights, happiness, values and truth back.

 

 

Video Transcript

Is there anything more frustrating than having a narcissist beat you at every turn?

The more you try to make them see sense and decency, the less they do.

The more you try to hold them accountable, the more it’s your fault.

The more you try to stop them doing obscene things, the harder they do them.

Why don’t your efforts work?

Truthfully – it’s because you are playing the game the WRONG way! (Believe me, initially I had no idea either!)

Today, all of that changes because you are going to discover exactly what a narcissist wants and how to cut them off from it and create your life healthily and FINALLY win.

Not possible you may say!

I promise you it is not just possible, it’s inevitable, and today I’m going to show you how.

Okay, so before we get started, I want to remind you that if you haven’t yet subscribed to my channel please do. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.

Let’s get going…

 

The Narcissist’s and Our Respective Games

The narcissist’s game is simple – drama, attention, significance, dumping emotional agony onto others and belting them up for it.

Nothing pleasant really…

How did we get caught up in this game?

The answer is we combined our ‘game’ with their ‘game’.

This is OUR game – love, togetherness, peace, happiness and joy – these things are nothing like the narcissist’s game. In fact, in an interior landscape, which is firmly about ‘self’ and ‘how to be superior’ at all costs, these things don’t even figure to a narcissist. These are not desired results for their life and certainly they don’t fit into their pathological ego construct.

These things only diminish narcissists. It makes them ‘usual’ and ‘normal’ and incredibly vulnerable to the annihilation of the False Self into harmony and peace where they can no longer remain separate and significant.

So for starters, we are looking to have a game of friendly croquet in a deadly hell zone with machine guns, rocket launchers and missiles – all designed to hit hard and render you powerless enough to be fully controlled and to hand over what the narcissist requires to feed their insatiable False Self.

Here there is no lush green lawns; no sipping Pimm’s and enjoying club sandwiches.

And it doesn’t matter how much you try to make the narcissist settle into a healthy relationship, play nicely or care about you. It’s just not possible. This doesn’t supply what the narcissist wants and needs – the attention and drama to stop them sinking into being with and feeling their True Self wounds; the trauma of being defective and not good enough as themselves to get their needs met. Hence why the narcissist completely divorces his or her own self-assessed ‘pathetic, damaged’ True Self – which is how they really feel about themselves – and created a False Self in its place.

It also doesn’t matter how shot up, bleeding and writhing in agony you are whilst trying. The narcissist is not going to come and pick you up, love you and stop hurting you. He or she would rather throw you under the next oncoming tank.

You see, the narcissist has been projecting on to you those parts that the narcissist hates about themself, and unconsciously has been trying to kill off your Being in an attempt to annihilate their own disowned projected Self.

You are the enemy.

So, therefore, if we REALLY want love, togetherness, peace, happiness, and joy, WHY are we in this war zone experiencing horrific brutality and treatment when we know our life and everything in it that matters to us is being ripped to shreds?

It truly doesn’t make sense – well not logically anyway.

Let’s investigate deeper.

 

We Don’t Know Better

Logically we may believe or know there is better. We know that other people experience love, happiness and being treated well by others. So why are we still connected to someone who is NOT these things?

It may seem like we see glimpses of the lovely person – we think they have the capacity in some sense to do the right thing. They may have turned on the crocodile tears and granted us many promises, and other people may have even given us hope about them.

But I really want you to KNOW this is NOT why you are hanging in there.

The reason all of us have been or are stuck in war zones with narcissists is because our inner subconscious programs are still a match for pain and trauma.

We have believed our game is love, togetherness, peace, happiness and joy – and absolutely we want these things – but could we really handle them if they arrived?

According to Quantum Law, so within, so without, this is all very difficult for us to obtain when our subconscious programs regarding love and relationships are painful, conflicted and messy – resembling that of, well, quite frankly, a battlefield.

Let me explain to you what I mean with my own story.

Like many of us who have been narcissistically abused, love and relationships were often a minefield for me. I went through painful, addictive, adulterous relationships – where I chose partners based on ‘attraction’, who weren’t healthy relationship material.

After doing a lot of personal development, I ‘grew up’ enough to be much more sensible in choosing love partners. But then I chose people who had been ‘bad’ in their past, yet professed to ‘now’ be evolved, spiritual and ‘changed’.

I believed them. After all hadn’t I been less than sterling in my ‘lost’ years?

Anyway, the drama came up, as did the pain, the highs and lows and, of course, so within, so without, the two greatest narcissistic relationships came into my life when I professed black and blue that I wanted peace, love and harmony in my relationships.

However, when I started doing the inner work, I discovered these following things that HAD been keeping me in the narcissist’s hell game.

I found normal, non-edgy people boring, just as I had grave trouble just ‘being’ with myself in a state of peace, low-ebb and tranquillity. In fact, my levels of still-existing ‘crisis-consciousness’ had made me so obsessive-compulsive and highly anxious that I literally believed if I ‘stopped’, ‘rested’ or ‘wasn’t doing something’ that my whole world would cave in.

How this state of being manifested consciously in my life was ‘always needing to be busy and industrious’ and ‘not having time to nurture and be kind to myself’. I know many of you relate.

The warzone of narcissistic abuse fulfils crisis consciousness perfectly. It grants us a JOB of being busy in damage control, ALWAYS! It wasn’t until I went deeply inside with NARP Modules to find and release the traumas generating these anxious states of myself that I was able to just ‘be’.

Phew, I am now so much more able to play croquet!

Okay, then there was the matter of ‘significance’, which is one of the dire rules of engagement in the battlefield with a narcissist.

Before healing my deep inner programs, I never felt good enough or truly loved and appreciated. All my life I had wanted to be recognised just for being me, and I felt so insignificant and hurt again and again with all of the narcissist’s accusations and condemnations that I would fight for recognition.

Narcissistic abuse supplied that battle abundantly for me – it fulfilled the self-fulfilling prophecy of ‘not being good enough to be valued and loved’ that I was already immersed in.

Once all my old wounds that had existed way before narcissistic abuse were healed within me, I was able to unconditionally love and accept my own value and worth. Before, however, there was no known way that I could have played croquet – the compliments and recognition there were too foreign, and therefore unacceptable, to me.

Additionally, there was the narcissist’s anger and malicious missiles hitting their targets and blowing me apart. Little did I know, until later, that my old traumas being triggered into fully blown activation with these attacks granted me the permission to retaliate – to dump my devastation and rage somewhere. So much so, that there were times when I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognise who looked back at me – I seriously doubted my own sanity and humanity.

It wasn’t until I was able to release the trauma of cruelty and abuse from my Inner Being, and all my panic, desperation and anger that was generated from these wounds, that I had zero desire to be participating in the war zone.

After healing me on all these issues, as well as many others, I realised that when we get better, we do better.

I left the battlefield and croquet became very enticing.

Playing the Right Game

The narcissist’s game is not our game. We don’t win at love, happiness and joy in war zones. We can’t, don’t and won’t beat narcissists on battlefields.

We beat narcissists and win at our Life by exiting the game and walking onto our green lawn no matter WHAT the narcissist does to try to pull us back into the mayhem.

How are we going to accept the lush healthiness of love, peace, harmony and happiness?

By changing and healing our inner terrain to healthy programs – which is what happens automatically when we target, find and release the trauma that has been subconsciously conscripting us to war.

Is that what you want? To get free of this rubbish?

If you are with me, write ‘I’m walking away to play croquet NOW!’ below.

Okay … so now that you have done that, I promise you this is not just a logical choice. It’s got to be so much more than that. It must be an inner powerful shift and I’m going to show you how to achieve it.

If this video woke you up and you know your True Life awaits you, join me on this side, where you will Thrive, by clicking this link.

And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

And, as always, I am so looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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60 Thoughts on How To Stop Playing the Narcissist’s Game – And Win
  • emxx@sbcglobal.net'
    happynow
    April 29, 2019

    you are so beautiful. thankyou for all you bring to us. I love knowing that there will never be closure with a narc, and that is ok. that brings me peace to know that. they are indeed infected with a virus and they just want to spread it . they are on an automatic loop playing it out , a sick loop. i don’t have to be sick with them. yay

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 29, 2019

      Awww Happynow,

      Thank you!

      I’m so pleased this brought you peace.

      Many blessings and love to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • heartfeltlove0311@gmail.com'
        Yvonne Crow
        April 29, 2019

        I broke up two months ago with my narcissist. He went to jail. I went to court and got an extended order of protection and judge granted a year. I was with him for 6 years. I we able to stay I my home he only left with his birds and clothes. I had been the one leaving only to return he was so convincing. This time it’s truly over for me. He used God and his religion to keep me in. I finally was able to see clearly. He never loved me. I had been reading this past year about narcs. Never heard of I before. I even joined your lessons. It’s still not easy. But I think of how much hurt and pain he caused me I keeps me away. I’m going to Lear to play croquet.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          April 30, 2019

          Awww Yvonne,

          Keep healing and stay strong.

          You so deserve your True Life and real soul happiness.

          Sending you blessings and breakthroughs into your glory!

          Mel 🙏💕❤️

    • janehenderson1@hotmail.com'
      Midnight Sunrise
      April 29, 2019

      Dear Melanie
      Watching your beautiful self & your videos & getting your blogs have literally saved my sanity on many occasions over the years. My deepest Thankyous to you and your team & all the good work you do in this world.
      I can hardly believe this but I am again in a war zone ( exactly for the reasons and delusions you so accurately describe in today’s video ) . It’s happened before in a different guises (different sorts of narcissists) especially & repeatedly & over the last 10 years of my life. I cannot believe that I’m again in this terrible place / war zone. I believed this relationship was different . It’s the same terrifying wolf tho , in different sheeps clothing. I am going to sign up for your NARP programme this time, as clearly I’m in need of it.
      I’m 63 years old. All I wanted was croquet now and I again have war zone.
      Your blog/video today has helped me keep a grip on my sanity for today!
      I just wanted to just let you ( & your readers / followers) know that .
      I hope to ‘meet ‘you on the NARP programme in the near future.
      With love and thanks
      ‘Midnight Sunrise’

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        April 29, 2019

        Hi Midnight Sunrise,

        I’m so so pleased I have been able help!

        I cant wait till our next chapter together! It’s so exciting, and so beautiful that you are ready to truly become your truth.

        So much love to you!

        Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • heartfeltlove0311@gmail.com'
        Yvonne Crow
        April 29, 2019

        I broke up two months ago with my narcissist. He went to jail. I went to court and got an extended order of protection and judge granted a year. I was with him for 6 years. I we able to stay I my home he only left with his birds and clothes. I had been the one leaving only to return he was so convincing. This time it’s truly over for me. He used God and his religion to keep me in. I finally was able to see clearly. He never loved me. I had been reading this past year about narcs. Never heard of I before. I even joined your lessons. It’s still not easy. But I think of how much hurt and pain he caused me I keeps me away. I’m going to Lear to play croquet.

    • Jacky.dow@virgin.net'
      Jacky
      April 29, 2019

      I’m walking away to play croquet NOW! Thanks so much for all your help. Much love, Jacky💕

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        April 29, 2019

        Hi Jacky.

        Brilliant and it’s so my pleasure!

        Much love to you too!

        Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • heinz@columbiawireless.ca'
    Heinz
    April 29, 2019

    Thank you, Melanie, as always.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 29, 2019

      It’s my pleasure Heinz!

      Bless 😊

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    • sheldencarroll@gmail.com'
      Shelden Carroll
      April 29, 2019

      Hi Melanie

      I’m currently in the process of divorce with my Narc wife and I don’t see the courts in (South Africa) looking at her in the light of Narcissisim even though I have ample evidence to back it. Ultimately this means that my boys 7 and 5 are likely to be in the firing line in my absence when they award her primary custody! How do I therefore leave the game and still protect my children from her? Also just to put you in the picture, I left the family home in the beginning of February to receive treatment near my parents 900miles away and also to escape an extremely toxic environment, I am now currently staying with my folks! Many thanks for your input!

  • Matgarit72@aol.com'
    Jane M.
    April 29, 2019

    Mel,
    Absolutely beautiful ! I read the transcription of the video because I just love reading your words again and again!
    So inspiring always 🙂

  • maniclas@yahoo.com'
    MaryAnn
    April 29, 2019

    I am walking away to play croquet, and I’m doing it now. Many thanks!

  • rabs11908@mail.com'
    Ron
    April 29, 2019

    I have a narcissistic ex wife who uses my kids against me by using my eldest daughter to control my weekends with them and stop me from taking them to my families…as soon as I stood up on Christmas Day she has dragged them away and I haven’t seen them since Christmas Day I am awaiting another court date as she has again broken court Orders and I for the first time am getting a contravention order against her which scares me as I know she will throw twice as much my way…all this is affecting my relationship I’m in now she has always said she will destroy any relationship I get into …I fear this will never end anyway you are an amazing person thx for you videos they are great..

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 29, 2019

      Hi Ron,

      I am so sorry that you are going through all of this.

      Please know Ron from the bottom of my heart that narcissistic abuse truly is an emotional phenomenon.

      When we can purge the pain and fear from inside of us it’s THEN that they run out of fuel and power.

      When you do that inner work truly you will know how true it is because the real life results fall into place.

      Ron, it’s my suggestion that you learn more about this to get relief, answers and results. You can do so here: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • deemike196010@gmail.com'
    Denise Michael
    April 29, 2019

    I’m so tired and always think I will remain strong. I still feel like I don’t know what to think about me. I wrote before and after 25 years of experience in the game, I sometimes find myself thinking about him again. I cannot think of anything positive and I start to hate myself again for allowing myself to get sucked in again.
    I have to deal with a brother who is a narcissist and a brother in law who is also. I’m tired! I’m going to be working on the course and I will continue to keep telling myself that I am capable of changing all of this! Thank you for your time and help! I have been inspired by your life.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 29, 2019

      Hi Denise,

      Have you connected to NARP yet, or are you still in the 16 day course?

      NARP is the powerhouse tool that purges the pain out of your Being making room for your True Self and Life and an abuse-free reality.

      Also please know as a NARP member you have the Thriver Tribe 24/7 as a free lifetime add on, as your support network to help you shift up and out to freedom.

      Sending healing, strength and breakthroughs to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    • lorrainewilcock529@gmail.com'
      Lorraine Wilcock
      April 29, 2019

      I love this Mel. Whilst in psychotherapy some years ago i remember telling my therapist I had sent a text to my mother it just ran off my fingers and the terminology I used was all about the war zone battlefield raising the white flag. Of course this all fell on deaf ears. I was trying to understand things back then I had no idea about narcissim. I would go back to battlefield to try and make peace but would walk away more shell shocked. At the same time I was in a relationship with a narcissist. .again I had no idea at that time all I knew was I was like a ping pong ball bouncing between the 2 of them looking for love and validation instead I felt like I was being tortured and have ended up with serious health issues including C-PTSD. I left the battlefield with the ex and have remained single since that was 3 years ago and practically no contact with mum. The decision with mum has been the most difficult but I am finding some peace now. I am now ready to play croquet..bring it on…going to town this week to buy a new Tablet to download my new NARP programme and just get on with the work now commit myself to my healing journey. Thank you Mel and God bless you in your calling.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        April 29, 2019

        Awww Lorraine,

        I am so happy now that you are ready to dive into NARP!

        It’s your time – it’s just time to step into that green lawn!

        I so look forward to cogenerating your amazing breakthroughs in the NARP Forum with you.

        Make sure you join in!

        Lots of love

        Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Kodakalinho10@gmail.com'
    Dj
    April 29, 2019

    Very helpful as always . Thank you

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 29, 2019

      It’s my pleasure Dj,

      Bless you!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • jacquecram@hotmail.com'
        Jacqueline Cram
        April 29, 2019

        Hi Melanie
        I just wanted to say that I am so grateful that I stumbled over you and your NARP course. I signed up just over a month ago and I know I would not be feeling the way I am without working through the modules and also reading your emails.
        I’ve only realised in the last 3 months that I had been with a covert narcissist for near 20 years. It’s been a massive learning curve. Now at the age of 41 (with two children) I have taken the blinkers off and can see him for what he is and I’m gradually feeling stronger in how I deal with him. It’s only early days for me but I can feel the shift in my sense of self worth and I am excited for what the future holds.
        Thank so so much
        Jacqueline X

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          April 29, 2019

          Hi Jacqueline,

          I’m so happy NARP is helping you break through to truly be you!

          I’m so happy you are excited.

          That means trauma is leaving and life force is entering!

          Yaya!

          Love and blessings to you.

          Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Lee.21.hill@gmail.com'
    Sharon Lee
    April 29, 2019

    I have one thing I would love your input into..I’ve been reading your blogs for years now and you put me on the road to healing. I’m 61 and married two narcissists and have 4 children. Everything you say resonates deeply. I still read your posts for fortitude after years being narcissist free. When I changed though, had self love and respect and could say ‘no’ and had natural boundaries for the first time ever..a rippling affect happened throughout my whole life, I always has many friends, most from my early years, but i had an overwhelming urge to let many friendships go when I noticed how disempowered I was within them. I was the person who built people up and many of my friendships were one way. I have some true friends who are on the journey with me but many now are not in my life. It has caused me a new kind of grief to look at back and with love see how needy I have been my whole life and even though I’m more alone now I’m living a much happier life without toxic frenemies. I wish I knew what I now know 40 years ago. My children though, especially my 3 daughters have learnt so much through witnessing my evolution, and that’s what it’s all about! You can’t know it until you know it. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, you make such a difference in the world.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 29, 2019

      Hi Sharon,

      What I do know now as a Quantum Thriver is how powerful our inner belief systems are in our life at unfolding realities no matter how much we ‘try’ to do it differently.

      Have you worked with the inner tools yet to find, release and replace stuck traumas and beliefs to clear space for a shift and a new reality on any topic – including friends?

      Sharon that is what changed my life beyond description and continues to every day.

      I can’t recommend doing inner subconscious programming enough. In Minutes we can accomplish breakthroughs that it would take us debades (if ever) to achieve.

      I’d love you to do a healing with me in my free webinar so that you can experience this for yourself!

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • tootshj@gmail.com'
    Tia Healey-jellick
    April 29, 2019

    I am walking away to play croquet now!
    Perfect timing.. just got a call from my exs lawyer.. freaking out about going down this path.. but finally stood up to him in regards to paying something/anything towards our kids… this is his punishment.. rather than pay $300 the only amount in 3 years!!!
    He is going into battle with me… i declined the mediation i dont want to sit and listen to all his lies and victimism… but maybe i do need to do it.. but request no contact with him.. so that i can say what i need to… woukd rather just bury my head in the sand… but hes counting on me giving up.. or going into full attack mode… i dont want to do either and feel trapped… and powerless.
    But… i have NARP… so i will sit down tonight and do the fear of what the narp will do next.
    This event today has given me an opportunity to see how far i have come… i went into anxiety/ shock… had a massive cry to my mum.. BUT i didnt ring him and scream and yell… i didnt ring him and be sensible and responsible and work it all out… i didnt shut down… completely…
    The work i have done IS making a difference… big breath… carry on xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 29, 2019

      Hi Tia,

      This is great that you are working at staying in your centre and walking your truth without reacting or trying to change him.

      This is where the power is.

      It’s great you have got NARP and shift out the fear – that aligns you with the best possible outcome.

      You are doing an amazing job! Kudos to you!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Lee.21.hill@gmail.com'
    Sharon Lee
    April 29, 2019

    Thank you Melanie,
    I will join the webinair I feel ready for extra work. Surviving is one thing and thriving is the next step.
    Many thanks for your extraordinary work.
    Sharon Lee

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 29, 2019

      Bless Sharon Lee,

      It’s your time and you are so welcome!

      Much love to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • tnich4147@gmail.com'
    Horizon
    April 29, 2019

    Im walking away to play croquet now…

  • Mal_Ols@hotmail.com'
    Malin
    April 29, 2019

    Great Video!! Just one great video after the other, so inspiring!!

    I just took another big step, and upgraded to NARP Gold!

    Hope to see you in the NARP forum! I’m SO nervous (about entering the community) – I need to do some swifts on this : – )

    Lots of Love <3 <3 <3
    Malin

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 29, 2019

      Awww thank you Malin,

      I’m so pleased you are enjoying my videos.

      You’ll be great in the Forum Malin the NARP moderators and members are so sweet and supportive, and any tech issues the support team are amazing.

      You’ve got this and we’ve got you!

      Lots of love

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • vikiniowa@yahoo.com'
    Vik
    April 30, 2019

    Thank you, as ever, Melanie for your help and encouragement. After watching many of your videos and finally beginning to understand. Healing me will help me rid the negative person from my life. I am looking forward to that newer life of loving myself enough to attract a healthier relationship. Bless you, hug you, thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 30, 2019

      Hi Vik,

      You are very welcome.

      It’s wonderful that you know the solution is the inner work within.

      Sending healing and blessings to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Ursuka.teis@shaw.ca'
    Ursula
    April 30, 2019

    26 years I’ve endured toxic air until it finally and completely destroyed me. My man was everything I wanted spiritually physically and mentally until my daughter moved out at 18. Also caregiving for 24 hour for my son who is physically and mentally challenged with Edwards syndrone. I also took care of my mother for 10 years who hated what she saw until her death. Shortly after that my son was hospitalized on life support for 11 days and another few weeks on oxygen my husband moved out and still played loving caring stepfather. Once I returned home 6 months of silent treatment I asked him to leave. It’s a year now and I’ve undergone 8 months of PTSD. Part of me still can’t comprehend the unlogical part of me hurting and being fooled. I am 60 and feel that I lost the last 30 years of my life when I had so many other suitors. I fill my days spiritually and looking after elderly What I need is to happy. I am at peace but lonely.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 30, 2019

      Hi Ursula,

      I’d love to hold your hand and show you the deeper truths and how to start releasing the trauma of this so that you can heal.

      Have you come into one of my free workshops yet?

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar ?

      I know how much the information there as well as the healing in there can help you.

      Sending you love and healing.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Someplace67@gmail.com'
    Sarah
    April 30, 2019

    I am struggling right now to understand where my experience fits. I have never had one like it and am surprised by how low it’s knocked me.

    Without writing too much of a book, I met a guy on a dating site and he came on really, really strong: knew right away I was ‘the one he’d been looking for,’ ‘where were you 20 yrs ago,’ ‘we’re so much alike,’ ‘I already know we’re going to fit perfectly,’ ‘you might just be perfect for me,’ he was going to find us a place to have a permanent existence— this was all within the first days of talking. He wanted to take off work to meet me- I said no to that. When I would say that we hadn’t met yet and that he was building me up in his mind he would protest and say, ‘you keep saying that but I already know we’re going to like each other and take right off! and ‘I already know I’ve found my one!’ and then almost seem to be trying to persuade me that he’s going to be a great lover for me, we’re a match, and so on. He came across as insecure sometimes, one time even saying ‘I think I like you more than you like me.’

    There’s so much to write but I don’t want to put it out there like this. We literally had one intense and fantastic date that got truly intimate (not like what I’ve seen described) and he said stuff like ‘it was the best ever’ ‘we won’t be able to stay away from each other,’ ‘we’re farther along than other people at this stage,’ etc., while also being hyper concerned about his performance. We had appropriately excited contact for two days after that and then he went out of state for business and spent time w/a supposedly ex-gf.

    He ghosted and I called him out a little over a week later. He apologized in an almost self-flagellating way but was unclear about where we stood. I asked to talk to him and he said some breathtakingly cruel things about how he decided not to contact me and was ‘wishing it would go away,’ how he would have slept w/her but she said no, but also telling me how much he liked me and that he knew he would become addicted to me and want to see me all the time! Also that our super fast intensity- that he drove- scared him. Every time I would try to talk he would talk over me or say he had to hang up and call me back- which he did. After 3 calls I suggested meeting in person and he said he had no interest in that, he wanted to move on, and this was more drama than he was up for. That really hurt. Later I found out that he had been wanting to still be w/the ex- their dance seems super dysfunctional and has apparently been going on for years. I also put a new dating profile up and he looked at it, knowing I would see that he did! I didn’t respond as I didn’t want to give him a chance to hurt me.

    So, finally! I feel like I got my clock cleaned by this guy and this literally happened over the course of about 3.5 weeks, that’s it. So much of it seems like narcissistic behaviors but we never actually had a relationship. Yet I feel like he has activated stuff in me that seems so much like what others describe. I’ve signed up for the workshop but I’m not sure if I even belong.

    I don’t know what I’m looking for here- maybe just to know if this program could help me even if he wasn’t a true narcissist. There’s a lot I didn’t mention but that’s the gist of what happened.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 30, 2019

      Hi Sarah,

      I am so pleased you have signed up to this community and the workshop, because truly our healing is always about ‘us’.

      The inner unhealed wounds regarding why we can self abandon ourselves and hand our power, bodies, souls and life to people who aren’t credible.

      Absolutely that love bombing behaviour is narcissistic and manipulative as well as exploitative, however what is really important for you here, which the workshop will help you connect to, is why you did connect too quickly even though there were warning signs and your inner being would have been squirming it’s warnings to you.

      Please know we have all been there until we healed our wounds and became a solid source to self! I used to be hugely susceptible to love bombing too!

      You truly are in the right place Sarah to understand all of this at a deeper level in the workshop and take your power back so that you can recognise and cogeneration healthy safe soul fulfilling relationships.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • cristietm@hotmail.com'
    Cris
    April 30, 2019

    Thank You (Angel) Melanie! Endless Gratitude aren’t sufficient words to describe what I feel (along with so many others) from having been so lost in indescribable anguish at the control of a narcissist – until your caringly generous mission sharing your healing lifework – show us how to heal (as you so bravely and slowly-but-surely found your way) to a truly happy, healthy life by facing our own deepest selves (as the most brilliant precious diamonds we are in our core – no matter what pressures bear down on us!)

    I feel beyond lucky for having come across your beautiful Soul – you bring so much Light into what seemed like the darkest places feeling so hopelessly trapped – you showed us we’re here for so much better, higher, happier purposes than to serve a narc’s empty and emptying needs!

    Thank you infinitely much always for all you are and do – the what and how and why you Communicate so thoroughly and sincerely your loving crucial healing messages of the truths, goodness, beauty and real Value of each of us – way too high to waste on any excuse to use and abuse anyone!

    Wishing for you always, all that makes your beautiful heart as happy as you can be, including in your continuing sacred calling that in each of your many shared ways, reaches so many of us who felt we were beyond reach of anyone to understand us let alone be rescued (with your kindest loving guidance from having “walked our walk”) – and begin the urgent path returning to a life of bliss and peace as we’re meant to have.

    Best Loving Blessings always, Angel Melanie, as we’re so Blessed for You! xo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 30, 2019

      Awww Cris,

      It takes being an Angel to recognise another.

      I am speechless with love and gratitude for your message here.

      Love and blessings from my heart to yours.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Lesliegordonmann@gmail.com'
    Leslie Mann
    April 30, 2019

    Easier said than done when the narcissist is your 18yr old child. Thanks for all of the great resources and for being an advocate. What you are doing MATTERS!!

  • Kristinahund@gmail.com'
    Kristina
    May 1, 2019

    I am walking away to play croquet now!!

  • jo.ann.blizzard@gmail.com'
    Jo Blizzard
    May 2, 2019

    Hi Melanie,

    I have finally worked out hoe to message you after months my Iphone where I normally watch doesn’t make it easy to get to here.

    i want to thank you so much for your work and knowledge I have had two N’s in my life the first I chronological order as it was the 2nd who brought me to you) the father of my son now 15 yrs who I am about to go to court with after having 10 years (we split when my son was three ) of a functional, working Parenting Agreement.

    His father remarried (I left him) a year after we split and has two other sons yet is the one who has ampted it up in a Parental alienation ‘battle’ to use your words.

    Our mediation is tomorrow night so today’s episode divine – I know of course nothing is by chance and as a croquet lover (my 20th bday – now 45 – was a croquet garden party!) I feel much calmer not to enter the battlefield and cry which i of course have been doing this week and hopefully address it calm and measured as a croquet game.

    I am based in Perth but would like to do one on one sessions with you if that s something you do. I do travel for work ie in Sydney all of next week and weekend.

    Kind regards

    Jo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 2, 2019

      Hi Jo,

      Please know you are very welcome.

      I love that you play croquet and that this episode really spoke to you.

      Please know my healing sessions are by skype and you can find out more about them at support@melanietoniaevans.com

      Thank you for making contact and I look forward to the opportunity either through personal healing or/and my healing program to shift and empower you soon.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • jo.ann.blizzard@gmail.com'
    Jo Blizzard
    May 2, 2019

    Hi Melanie,

    I have finally worked out how to message you after months my Iphone where I normally watch doesn’t make it easy to get to here.

    i want to thank you so much for your work and knowledge I have had two N’s in my life the first I chronological order as it was the 2nd who brought me to you) the father of my son now 15 yrs who I am about to go to court with after having 10 years (we split when my son was three ) of a functional, working Parenting Agreement.

    His father remarried (I left him) a year after we split and has two other sons yet is the one who has ampted it up in a Parental alienation ‘battle’ to use your words.

    Our mediation is tomorrow night so today’s episode divine – I know of course nothing is by chance and as a croquet lover (my 20th bday – now 45 – was a croquet garden party!) I feel much calmer not to enter the battlefield and cry which i of course have been doing this week and hopefully address it calm and measured as a croquet game.

    I am based in Perth but would like to do one on one sessions with you if that s something you do. I do travel for work ie in Sydney all of next week and weekend.

    Kind regards

    Jo

  • linchef51@gmail.com'
    LINDA Y CARNES
    May 7, 2019

    I finally cut the cord with my narcissistic daughter after almost 40 years of abuse. She started in with the abuse practically just out of the womb. It will take a long time for me to hopefully re-become the person I used to be, but it is lonely as she has my only grandchildren and has convinced them I am a horrible person plus destroyed all familial relationships and friendships I had because she is so charming when around them.

  • rstb00741@gmail.com'
    RST
    May 8, 2019

    The narcissist that I married some 7+ yrs ago has moved out AGAIN (I’ve lost count) in Dec 2018. I have had some on and off again co(communication only) since then and I spoke to him last, night and he said that “He can’t be my friend, call, or text me, because it causes him to think, and feel some type of way.”. Really as, if he cares about my truck being reposed on Good Fridy, & I have renting a car ever since to get back and forth to work, store, and meetings. UUUGGGGHHHHH. I am soooooo looking froward to getting a divorce. Soon, This is one of the most craziest back and forth relationships that I have ever had, especially being married to him.

    Thank You Melandie for allowing God to use you.
    keep Up The Good Works

    RST

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 9, 2019

      Hi RST,

      Sending you strength, healing and breakthrough.

      You are very welcome.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • jecenderlin@gmail.com'
    Carolyn Enderlin
    May 20, 2019

    Please continue to send your email help, when a new written issue is discussed, as well as including some other ones to: Carolyn Enderlin at jecenderlin@gmail.com
    I’ve written you previously, I’ll be doing your free Narc program this Winter; which you’ve so generously given me. I’ve done much healing & am in the most control of myself concerning my Mother being the Narcissist. I hope going through your program this Winter, will complete the healing forever. Now, I’m focusing on many health issues-which are disabilities from birth from a rare syndrome-of which came automatically along with my birth. I have several appointments to attain some more help, to increase the quality of my life physically, for which I’m certainly looking forward to attaining. I enjoyed reading your information & found it reassuring I’m on the right path in healing. Thanks again!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 20, 2019

      Hi Caroline,

      Are you subscribed at that email address? If you are not, can you please email support@melanietoniaevans.com to have one of my lovely team do that for you.

      I am so pleased Caroline that NARP has helped you so much already and I wish you much continued healing and success with it.

      Please know the wonderful NARP community is here for you as well. Are you in the NARP Forum so that we can support you – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member ?

      Much love to you

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • ninja4sure@gmail.com'
    Cameron Brookes
    May 22, 2019

    Hi Melanie

    i just want to go on record to say that you saved my life litterally, if i hadnt discovered you i was going to commit suicide and i was once a strong Alpha Male that was confident, outgoing and very successful both with women and business

    then i met a beautiful turkish lady 18 years my junior

    it started with being love bombed and hounded with everything i wanted in a woman , having been married for 15 years it was all new and appealing to me – then slowly month by month she got her claws into me, blaming me, going quickly from love to hate in an instant, always concenred about her apperance and was very materialistic.

    she never accepted boundaries and always expected favourable treament 100% of the time, she was incredibly jelous of any female who came near me and blamed other woman for being jelous of her. She was unstable and blamed me for everything that went wrong in her life without ever apologising voluntarily

    she showed no remorse or courtesy to me and always punished me for the slightest thing that she wasnt happy with, empathy was non existant and she was constantly on siocial media or her phone even when she was supposed to be having dinner with me – i never knew what drama was in a relationship until i met my ex

    she always had to be in control and was eventually unfaithful in the relationship, i was constantly exhausted by her and i always seemd to be the problem in her life. She eventually left me, then came back, left and came back again, i couldnt take it anymore and no one seemed to help – i felt so confused, alone and was in a very dark place contemplating ending my life, i thought i was in love and needed her….

    Then i discovered you …….. Thank you……Thank you…Thank you , you are the reason i am alive today, thats no BS thats the gods honest truth!

    Thank you for the work you are doing you really did save my life, you saved me from going insane,, you saved me from going mad … you answered so many of my questions and above all you taught me to self heal

    its been 8 months now and with total block of all communictaion i have started to look into dating again and i have to say im extremely positive again with my outlook, ive been talking to a few girls and i feel alive again and full of such hope and determination to move on, they say im handsome and fit, words i havent heard in a long time

    without you my world would have caved in

    Thank You Melanie thank you very much, keep up the amazing work and im so glad i dsicovere your website !!

    youve also taught me how to spot narcissitic women, that is priceless !

    to all that are reading, i truly hope you listen and take on board what Melanie is saying with time and effort it truly works !

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 22, 2019

      Awww Cameron,

      I am so happy that you have come out of the darkness and into your True Self.

      Bless you brother.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • jakhashadit1@gmail.com'
    Josie Kreuger
    May 24, 2019

    No one talks about lesbian relationships.. long term…18yrs There is no help for a gay girl.. even if it’s talked about… No one cares.. no one knows what now appears to be a sweet old lady.,. Is actually the devil..that can go to the same domestic violence shelter to claim they are the abused… Plus so much more.. These people need to be removed from society.. No matter what I do I can’t get away from this evil horrifying human being… What horrifies me? I can’t get away…. But mostly…. That I ever loved her the way I did.. But still… I can’t get away from her…
    (Please don’t suggest a D.V. shelter)
    I have experienced more discrimination in shelters than I have combined in my entire life (I’m 51) and those were “LGBT friendly” .And the one near me??? I enjoy the ramifications of a smear campaign…I was there for 4 months… 6 months later she went for 3 days… That’s all it took… She was abusing me and when I kicked her out…she went to my shelter with the help of my now ex friend’s and neighbors.. also smear campaign.. They accepted her and believed her over me… That doesn’t happen to straight women..
    When she left the bills for me to pay… Drug addicts got help for bills and rent from local churches… But because I’m gay…I was turned down… I’m in Missouri… Now I’m back in her house because I had no options…. I am afraid of her in many many ways.. With of course the exception of physical abuse…I wish she would. She is 12 years older and is working that… Using it against me… She hurts herself and I mean bad… Putting me in fear of elder abuse charges when I haven’t done anything… I have been threatened.I finally began to cry out for help from her and It was set up that I was crying out for help because I am crazy and on drugs…. No one and I mean no one has helped me… It has only made things harder. I have tried to get away… Yet here I am.. There is no help… I even went to an LGBT anti domestic violence organization. They did alot of talking and promise making but did nothing in seeking assistance…I have found that someone can have a degree in agriculture and work in a D.V. shelter…. Even in a D.V. shelter. There are narcissists that will re victimize you over and over…. I truly pray I make it out again before I’m dead, in jail, or a mental facility against my will…. Two months this time
    I almost made it.

  • roadsidecollider@gmail.com'
    Zaphod
    May 27, 2019

    I enjoy your commentaries. I continue to go low contact and yet when paths are crossed out doing chores, one of the “minions” comes to my home. Many of the minions are different men each time. When I walk, I am “monitored” again each time by a different vehicle with illegally darkened windows. My community is not large and I have been sabotaged in many ways. Do you have any suggestions as I refuse to isolate myself?
    I do not look at this man, I do not care what he does or who he does it with but he cannot stop monitoring me or using citizens to observe me.

  • ladyusa19@gmail.com'
    cynthia
    July 16, 2019

    I’m walking away to play croqet. I’ve been to hell and back for 15/16 years. my name is “SHE..I WAS NARTIED TO A NARCISXIST/SOCIOPATH.. WHO HAS MADE ME WAT I AM TODAY.. .you see we are 19 years apart in age… 19!!! I was 14 wen I met “Him” he was 33.. 4 yes later we Marty I’m 18 he’s , 38. we had normal life, work, go home do the family thing go to bed wake up do it again and again… fastfowatd….. he mentaly, emotionally abused me. he did most awfulest things towards me it broke my heart. manipulated me humiliated me, takes advantage of me. He played mind f*”:,k games with me, things that make u crazy but I knew I wasn’t !! no one would believe me. he would set me up to get arrested .. u was arrested 7 times in one yr. well the game goes on it hadn’t stopped it’s been 10yesrs. divorce. we married 1980 divorce2009.. it goes on and on.. I’m surprised I’m still here and not dead or in prison wen will it stop! he has peop5le doing his dirty work towards me he’s done coward stuff shitty shit
    I was his wife 25 yrs . it still hurts .. “Give me strength and patience Lord”

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