Melanie Tonia Evans

Shouldn’t We Make The Narcissist Accountable?

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 0
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

Truly…I hear this question all the time…

Even people on the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program can agonise with this question.

This is how they present it to me…

“Melanie please tell me WHY I shouldn’t hold him / her accountable!” and,

“WHY shouldn’t he / she PAY from what he / she did?!”

In fact this is one of the greatest (if not the greatest) stumbling blocks to creating a Thriver recovery.

In this article I address why trying to gain accountability from the narcissist is one of the biggest pitfalls you can make one – one that can severely disable you getting well.

This article is ALL about this topic, and how accountability and the system of life really works.

 

The System of Life

To become effective humans, there are certain base line understandings we need to realise – IF we want the painful aspects of our life to change…

The fundamental Law that affects everything in our life without exception is Law of Attraction.

This means “Like energy is drawn to itself”.

Sadly Law of Attraction is viewed by many as ‘airy fairy’ or ‘New Agey’, yet Quantum Science now quantifiably matches spiritual understandings – and what this means is: there is a much greater and more absolute system that determines cause and effect, rather than just a surface level reality.

It means there is a force, a consciousness which is operating beyond logical understanding, which is responsible for the match-ups, the drawing together and the relationships of events and people in Life.

This is the Law – ‘What is alike is drawn to itself’.

There is no escaping this Law – because it is as absolute as gravity, and it is the unseen consciousness that unfolds every creation we experience.

In your daily life you experience this Law constantly.

If you start the day in a frustrated mood, things go wrong in really frustrating way. Law of Attraction sets up for you the rendezvous experiences of other frustrated people, delays, setbacks, misunderstandings and events that bring you more frustration.

If you start your day with immense gratitude and a full heart of love, Law of Attraction sets up for you the rendezvous experiences of loving people, good news, opportunities, and co-operative events that bring you more gratitude.

Is this coincidence?

Truly feel that answer, and you know it is not…

If you want to assign it to ‘coincidence’ you are a) not being responsible for your creation in The Field of Life, and b) you are living a victimised reality that means you are NOT powerful in life – instead you are doomed to feel powerless in many situations – because you believe things are happening ‘to you’ rather than ‘through you’.

It’s so important to realise that ALL of our life is ‘relationship’.

You are in relationship with Life every milli-second as a ‘cause’, and how you show up emotionally has a massive impact on how life shows up for you – the ‘effect’ – just like ANY relationship.

That’s why the most IMPORTANT relationship we can ever have, which affects all relationships, is this one…

The relationship we have with ourself.

What this really means is – Where ARE you emotionally?

 

Where is Our True Power?

When we understand Law of Attraction, we are in fact incredible powerful – but not in an egoic, fearful ‘push and shove’ or controlling way.

We are powerful in an emotional way – and by tending to our own vibration we become a match for what we want to experience in our life.

It is the understanding of this Law and our True Power which is the basis of all of my information all healing programs – and I am very passionate about helping bring you home to yourself.

Because truly – for myself I realised the utter futility of trying to receive harmonious, pleasing and life-affirming changes in my life (effect) when I was still stuck in the agony of victimisation and intense anger, injustice and judgement (cause).

I entered the words ‘cause’ and ‘effect’ in the paragraph above for VERY good reasons.

If I were to state (and I used to) “My feelings of victimisation and injustice are because of YOU” – then I am truly powerless.

Because what this is really saying is…

“I have NO power to heal my feelings and change my emotional set point with Life. Therefore in order to receive better results with Life I have to wait for you to do it, and that is WHY I am trying to force you to change, OR want you to be PUNISHED for what you did!”

Have you ever heard the expression ‘Anti-climax’?

I can assure you this –  the rare person who does experience the narcissist being punished, does not receive peace and resolution with THEIR OWN inner emotions – despite believing the narcissist being punished will provide that.

This is simply another trick of the ego – keeping us separated from our own true emotional transformation.

It wasn’t until I realised what becoming a ‘vibrational match’ really meant, that I started to have incredible shifts FIRSTLY in how I emotionally felt, and then in the real life results unfolding in my life.

It required an emotional shift away from the anger, desperation and focusing on ‘what the narcissist had done to me and how wrong that was’…

Because when we are in that victimised vibration we are completely snapped off from connecting to the openness, spaciousness and miracles of life – which support our highest good and greatest joy.

When we are disconnected from wellbeing, no matter what amount of DOING we EVER do,  ‘justice’ just doesn’t happen.

Now I’m going to get all spiritual on you (as you know I often do)…

I would like you to feel your vibration.

Which means I want you to feel your emotions in your body and what they do to you.

If you are presently feeling the hurt, injustice and the urge to make the narcissist accountable (which is of course very normal) – you will be able to access that feeling.

Close your eyes, take a breath and really feel it…

Really take your awareness into you body and be with these feelings of hurt, injustice and wanting to make the narcissist accountable.

You will realise these feelings hurt

Now be really aware of your body and energy. Your body has contracted down, it has started engaging your ego, and you have just become ‘small’ and ‘fearful’; it feels like powerlessness and you may even be experiencing the emotions of vengeance.

It’s important to feel this, because when you start becoming conscious that you are a Creator Or Your Own Experience you realise your vibration is your guide to Life and living.

I can assure you this, it is imperative to LISTEN to it – because if it hurts you are on the wrong track!

In this state of being you are completely disconnected from the literal miracles that are your birthright.

 

Trying to Take Matters Into Our Own Hands

When we take matters into our own hands (even emotionally), we are trying to control the uncontrollable which means anything which ISN’T ourselves.

Now we are really ‘small’ – we are a singular force of ego (just a fearful personality) trying to create results all on our own WITHOUT the mechanics of life supporting us.

Miracles and support don’t happen on this level – only the results that keep reflecting back to us more ‘fear’ ‘powerlessness’ and ‘smallness’.

I believe one of the most misunderstood quotes in the bible is this: ‘Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord’.

Man took this as meaning “If vengeance is okay for God the that’s the right model for me to use.”

(Just look at the state of the world to know how literally that WAS taken!)

However, what this really means is – Source / Life / God looks after it energetically.

The Field of Life takes care of it!

It’s NOT your job to bring someone to justice, and I promise you it is ONLY when you clean your own vibration up, let go and then take any action from a place of your own inner wounds being healed back to being a whole source to yourself – that results DO fall into place.

In fact in many cases you may not have to DO anything at all – that’s how well The Field looks after it…

Let’s break this down even further…

What is the biggest healing message narcissists deliver to us?

This message: I am NOT the healer of your wounds – I am the MESSENGER of them.

What are the wounds that ALL human beings carry?

The belief that we are inherently unlovable and unworthy and that our love and worthiness has to be granted to us by someone or someone else. That our love and worthiness is reliant on conditions – what we do or don’t have, how we do or don’t look, and what we are or aren’t doing.

This is the grandest illusion that the ego loves – because it is a never-ending hellish trip of pain and more pain.

The ego is insatiable, it can never be appeased. There is no way to ever be durable peace or wholeness when sourcing life through your ego.

The narcissist is the massive wake-up call for us to heal these wounds.

Which means healing to the level that we CAN unconditionally love and accept ourselves.

This means releasing the illusion of being separated, small, limited and fearful.

This means opening up into the space of realising Who We Really Are, and how powerful our Inner Being is as a harmonious and joyfully Creator with all of Life.

We can’t take this gift and actualise it in our life if our ego needs this statement:

‘My identity is reliant on the narcissist being held accountable’.

Can you see how this is handing your power over?

Can you see how this is a function of the ego stating CONDITIONS are necessary for you to be wellbeing, and to love and accept yourself and generate a wonderful life?

Let’s check in with your body again – and feel what this following statement does to your body…

I want you to state this:

“I can’t be happy and get on with creating my life UNLESS the narcissist is held accountable”.

Now feel it in your body.

Feel how powerless and small it feels.

So…why does it feel so ‘yuk’?

Because the wisdom of your Inner Being (which is connected to ALL of the mechanics and energies of Life) is letting you know you have just taken a wrong turn AWAY from Who You Really Are.

This is the buying into the total illusion humankind has been modelled on.

It is TOTAL illusion, because when you are in your power there is NO neediness involved…

You are lovable, worthy and connected to the Field of Life sourcing your life and expanding UNCONDITIONALLY.

And it doesn’t matter what you have lost up to this point.

It doesn’t matter what the loses have been emotionally, mentally and even financially…because can you imagine what happens when you sort out your inner wounding and FINALLY come home to yourself connected to the true stream of Life and wellbeing?

It’s like nothing you have experienced to date, if you are not there yet…

Truly, the best is yet to come…

 

How Life Works With You

Your ego may be having a really hard time with this – It may be jumping up and down and screaming “NO! This woman is crazy! Don’t listen to her! That is not right – this person needs to be brought to justice!”

And truly you can stay in that model if you like – and I know (because Law of Attraction  is as absolute as the sun rising every morning) – that you can stay in that vibration trying to force justice, and all you will get is more injustice.

Why?

Because you are a HUGE emotional vibration of INJUSTICE, and the unconditionally loving mechanics of Source / Life / God are unconditionally and lovingly granting you more of yourself.

These forces SEE you as the Grand Creator you are and honour and serve you as that Creator.

These forces do not employ logic…such as “Mary really wants justice even though every cell in her body is screaming injustice!”

These Laws don’t take into account that you haven’t yet worked out how to create miracles and enlist all of the support, synchronicities, line ups and match ups in Life.

In fact these forces which adore you beyond measure would NEVER short cut the system – because these forces want you to know what a powerful creator you REALLY are, and hope that finally, one day you will wake up from the trance and realise how the Life really operates.

These forces keep saying “Look at WHAT you are creating. Would you like to change that for yourself Grand Creator?”

If you do, not only will you know the glory of creating and trusting and knowing that you are NOT small – which means you don’t have to do it all on your own (all of Life IS at your disposal), you will also realise your REAL JOB is to focus on your vibration first and foremost and then let Life take over the rest.

Your ego tries to convince you this means losing control, not putting in enough effort, and even being irresponsible

…or ‘blind faith’ is ridiculous.

Consider this – how much EFFECTIVE energy do you have available to make any progress when your energy is tied up in the painful negative emotions of injustice, conditional requirements, retribution and fear?

How can you generate and receive miracles from life when you are contracted and all blocked up?

How can you be open enough to receive the intuitive messages and sense the opportunities of your fullest flourishing and greatest joy that Source / Life / God is always waiting to grant you in abundance if you could JUST get your limited self out of the way?

How can you realise that anything you may have lost pales into insignificance compared to the wellbeing that awaits you if you heal, raise your vibration and connect to the flow of The Field?

 

How Compensation Comes to You

You might misunderstand me…

You may think I JUST want to you to use my healings in NARP, meditate or sit omming under a tree every day until you don’t care.

That’s not what I am saying at all.

Here’s an example of one of my clients which will help explain…

Let’s call this man George. George, like many people got ripped off by a narc. He bought her a car on the ‘promise’ she would pay him back when her property settled. It was an expensive car.

Of course she was never going to pay him back the money – because narcs just don’t do that…

He was incensed, especially because she had left him for another man. The thought of her and him in the sexy black Mercedes, driving down to the beach with the roof off was almost too much for George to take (amongst the other usual assorted injustices).

George, understandably from a ‘normal’ human perspective wanted to do all he could to get the car back, hold her accountable or make her pay for it.

I helped him realise no decision was able to be executed effectively until he sorted out his vibration first. So George stood up to his ego, surrendered into healing and got to work on himself.

After working determinedly with Module 4 (Releasing Injustice and Betrayals) and Module 5 (Releasing The Need To Win / Get Accountability) of NARP, he had no charge remaining on his loss, and could feel into his next step forward from a spacious, calm, uncluttered inner centre.

He then sought legal advice and George had no attachment to outcomes. He was merely checking out confirmation of what he already suspected was true.

George was advised he really had no course of action available, because the car was in her name, there were no witnesses to the agreement and no contracts had been drawn up.

The solicitor was also very honest and stated that high conflict personalities don’t capitulate with ‘threatening letters’, instead they thrive on legal drama.

So George easily let it go, and he kept working determinedly on himself, and now 2 years later he is 3 times more successful than he has ever been.

George is so grateful that his narc experience was the gift that finally gave him back to himself. It forced him to clean up his vibration, and by doing so he expanded into the Truest version of himself that he had ever been in his life.

Like so many of us who have done the inner work – George for some time now could not care less about her, what partner she might be with, or any details of her life …it’s totally irrelevant.

Unlike George you may have a case, you may have facts and you may have a leg to stand on regarding what the narcissist did…but DON’T attempt ANYTHING when you are coming from the wrong vibration.

This is the deal – you are SO powerful energetically that you are connected to everything in The Field that is related to your topic, and you have the vibrational choice as to what you want to draw in to this experience.

These choices are like night and day…

A rubbish solicitor who is only interested in taking your money (victim match), the narcissist still getting away with abuse by proxy and fooling authorities (victim match), accountants and other personnel believing falsified documents (victim match).

OR you can vibrationally match up with a brilliant solicitor (co-partnering with the Field of Life), the narcissist slipping up and being exposed for lies and criminal behaviour (co-partnering with the Field of Life) and an accountant demanding accountability and not being fooled with lies (co-partnering with the Field of Life).

You really have to ask yourself – WHERE does your TRUE power lie?

Clearly it is an inner job…It is to do with WHERE you are emotionally.

Yes, you can take ‘outer’ action, but take inspired action ONLY.

This means take action ONLY from a place of WHOLENESS.

You can’t take action to try to get ‘whole’ and expect pleasant results…because that’s not how the Grand Creator you are can effectively create.

This is what does work…

“‘I already love and unconditionally accept myself, and I have no attachment to outcomes, because my true identity needs nothing in particular in order for me to be WHOLE.”

Now say that to yourself with heartfelt conviction – and take note of how your body and vibration responds to that..

Yep…you are on the right track.

 

Right and Wrong

Our ego loves ‘judgement’ as a method of contracting our body and shutting us out from our connection to The Field.

This makes us ‘small’ and keeps us in the eternal pain of being separated.

Please know this – being separated from The Field is the greatest pain – every other pain is a derivative of that…

Judgement is a sure fire way to create separation.

Absolutely you can observe that something is not for you. But this is still unconditional. This means “This thing or person is not my reality but there is NO NEED for me to have to change it or them in order to be whole.”

Judgement is something completely different – it IS conditional. You have personalised it – you made it about you, because the emotional charge of judgement states “I can’t feel whole unless I change this thing or person, or bring it to justice to STOP it”.

Now rather than being able to change it or them, you have just granted that ‘wrong’ thing or person more power to show up as ‘wrong’ in your life.

You think you have said “No that is wrong – I don’t want it!” – but the forces of Life don’t decipher logic – they only know intense emotional resonance on anything as one big fat “Yes”.

Additionally, your energetic system knows no difference between judging yourself or judging another – it’s all judgement…There is no upside to it.

Let me share with you my definition of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’.

I believe ‘right’ is this:  realising Who You Really Are and breaking free of the insane illusions of how we were doing life, and becoming the true unlimited, happy, expansive being that you really are…despite the pain you suffered up till now – and especially BECAUSE of the pain you have been suffering up till now.

I believe ‘wrong’ is this:  staying stuck in the illusions and continually trying to pit yourself against life as a small, limited, negative vibrating being.

We all know the definition of insanity…Trying to create different results with the same actions.

Please understand this – you cannot up-level and evolve your life at the same level of consciousness that you’ve been trying to make it work from.

 

Possibly as much as ANY article I have ever written – I hope this one shines a huge light for you regarding the TRUTH.

I look forward to your comments and questions.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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123 Thoughts on Shouldn’t We Make The Narcissist Accountable?
  • Imaginique@bigpond.com'
    Frank
    April 9, 2014

    Thanks Melanie. Once again you hit the nail right on the head.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 9, 2014

      Hi Frank,

      you are very welcome!

      Mel xo

      • marinatorres06@gmail.com'
        Marina
        April 11, 2014

        I love reading your blogs and articles. They are really helpful. My ex is being charged with Domestic Violence. The state has charged him because they have pictures of what he did to me. I want him to deal with the consequences for what he did. I told the Public Defender that I would like to press charges, I don’t want to back down and I know I need to stand up for myself after 8 years of abuse. My question is, is it wrong for me to continue to press charges because I know he needs to pay for what he did? Or is this completely different than what your article is about? I am working on staying positive and focusing my thoughts. I don’t want bad to happen to him because I love him. I worry about my thoughts of loving him and hating him and how that will effect me.

        • rbakle1960@roadrunner.com'
          Rhonda
          April 11, 2014

          Personally I believe in this case he NEEDS to be held accountable. DV is a crime and those that commit crimes must be accountable.

          • Melanie
            April 18, 2014

            Hi Marina,

            you are very welcome, and it is great that you are going to stand up.

            Your most empowered stance is to get the fear out of your body – because that will generate the best results.

            When we have fear trapped in our body – it becomes a ‘life of it’s own’ and that is what needs to come out.

            For what you are dealing with Module 4, 5 and 8 in NARP are especially effective.

            Mel xo

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          April 11, 2014

          Hi Marina,

          Yes absolutely it is healthy and empowered to speak up and know your right to be treated with respect and say “no’ that is not appropriate…

          HOWEVER (and this is the big part) you need to come at this from a position of power not fear. Not fear of “I’m going to lose his love’ (which is why SO many DV victims DON’T honour themselves, and cave in to go back to more abuse…rather than lay charges..)

          And you have been very honest and stated the weak link within yourself.

          Loving him more than loving yourself…and believing ‘love includes abuse’..and also of course being terrified in the beliefs that you are not capable of going alone and generating your own wonderful life – or that there may never be someone who loves you again, I may always be on my own etc etc..

          Until these beliefs and wounds are healed – you are susceptible..

          This is LIFE granting you the wakeup call that we all had when we were being abused – that we don’t love and respect ourselves enough, and because of this we allow another person to mistreat us horrifically…and LIFE (via him or another person) will continue to deliver THAT message until we get it..

          Getting the message means healing the parts within us which have allowed our boundaries, spirit and body to be violated.

          The short answer is absolutely you should stand up and have him charged…but come from a solid place of loving yourself enough that you are determined to STOP this pattern in your life once and for all.

          Then get to work on your limiting beliefs determinedly…

          Now it has got to this stage in your life – what else is there to do after 8 years of hell?

          Mel xo

          • marinatorres06@gmail.com'
            Marina
            April 18, 2014

            Thank you Melanie. I am scared, but more scared of hanging around to find out what he will do next. I have no choice but to move forward and get strong. Court is May 14th, he will find out that although the state is pressing charges, I have stated that I also will be pressing charges and standing my ground. I haven’t seen him since. Scariest thing I have ever done, but not as scary as staying. Thank you so much for your support.

    • jenni_fagan@hotmail.co.uk'
      Jenni
      April 9, 2014

      Hello Melanie, I was wondering how far this vibrational like-attracts-like goes? If you are the victim of a serious crime against you, did you just attract that with negative energy? Or if you get a serious disease? What about what happens in childhood? Surely it is not the ‘fault’ of children when bad things happen in their life. Are you saying bad things happen to people because they are not positive enough? I know many positive people who have had bad things happen to them and still do. I think your answer is not right for absolutely everything. Sometimes random chance brings a disease or attacker into your life. It’s not always just your own negative vibrations.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        April 9, 2014

        HI Jenni,

        it depends what your beliefs are.

        I am a previous past life regression therapist – and I have no doubt personally of this belief with what I have experienced, and seen in my own regressions and countless of other people’s..Knowledge and information that was NOT cognitively every learnt or known…

        I believe whatever we haven’t sorted we keep incarnating with – we then attract all the circumstances that represent the same lesson – to make the unconscious conscious..

        Including our parents…

        Many people are ‘positive’ and ‘lovely’ and still have deep fears and wounds…Some of the nicest people and most bubbly non-negative people I know have been narc abused…but they did all have one thing in common – really poor boundary function and a big struggle to say ‘No”..

        And, yes I do believe there are things that happen that fall way outside our human, rational understand…because we are just not expanded enough to know ‘why’…

        Mel xo

        • martina.pelivan@gmail.com'
          Martina
          April 10, 2014

          Hi Melanie,
          This is so true and I experienced it personally without even understandings what it was. I got your narp program and going trough modules at the moment but this is not what I meant. Much before meeting with my narc (16 years ago) I suffered from cancer at age of 16. I was very healthy child, didn’t have track of cancer in my family and was athlete ever since I was 7. When I got ill I used to hear same comment from my family, friends etc, always same words saying “why you”. I was still a child. Funny thing is that I used to say that I really needed that disease because it shake me and made me change.I was often unhappy, trying to be perfect, very judgmental to myself, people pleasing etc. and that disease changed my perspective a lot. I can surely say I did cause it, emotions I was holding often were cancer itself, eating me alive. On the outside people could not see it, I was always smiley actually that was my nickname. But beyond the surface things were much different. I guess that experience wasn’t enough to heal me from my wounds so I ended up with narc for next 16 years and went trough all of that (you all know what I am talking about). It is hard to know how positive or negative someone is on surface, I am living proof of that. Now when I am finally getting free from I am as grateful for that experience as much as I was for cancer. I didn’t know he is narc until I found your website, it actually feels empowering knowing that I am responsible and hold power for my life. I completely get your message, though I do catch myself daily in negative vibration and being run by my ego. It’s so liberating to know that that’s not real me and that I can and have all power to create my life and reality. It’s great to learn that it all happened because I still have unhealed wounds and to get so other chance to heal . It is also amazing to find a place like your community when this statement makes sense because when I used to say that I see my cancer as enlightening experience (same is happening now with narc experience) people would tell me that what I’m saying is outrages. Thanks for being you and here, much love

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            April 10, 2014

            Hi Martina,

            I love your attitude and perspective, and I am glad that you have found empowerment here…

            Yes, there are people who would say you (and I) are bonkers!!!

            But really who would we rather be – a person in acceptance, responsibility and focused inwards at up-levelling ourselves and receiving breakthroughs in multiple areas in life that make us feel empowered, happy and expansive, OR don the victimised perception, feel ‘ripped off’ and even ‘cursed’ by life – blame God, the narc, or maybe even our parents, or doctors or anyone we can find to blame – do no inner work, no uplevelling and stay hurt, angry and victimised..

            I’d much rather be bonkers!!!

            Thank you for your lovely post!

            Mel xo

        • jenni_fagan@hotmail.co.uk'
          Jenni
          April 11, 2014

          Hello Melanie,

          Your beliefs make more sense to me knowing you believe we are here to learn from past lives i.e. continuing the journey. I guess I find it hard to accept that all the children in the world who do suffer, needlessly, are having to do that just so they can learn a lesson from a past life. It is the same point I struggled with in buddhism, it almost seemed too neat, like it just explained everything and also sort of like, well, you did something wrong in a past life — so that is why all this bad stuff happened in your upbringing. I guess it is a philosophical standpoint and when you have seen great suffering amongst children or communities, it is kind of hard to believe they have just ‘chosen’ that because they had to learn a lesson. I am struggling with this particular part and that is okay! Thanks for your response.

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            April 11, 2014

            Hi Jenni,

            It’s not so much (I believe) as ‘learn a lesson’ as you were just receiving ‘more’ of your own vibration…so did you live in acceptance (third world people achieve that much easier than people with millions of dollars) or were you living in your ego (the pain of ‘I am never good enough and I need more’).

            I think the cycle of our soul is ingenious…If you were living as ‘hell on earth’ in your ego “There is never enough to make me happy, and I DON’T love and accept myself at all – I am a victim – its everyone else’s fault – and NOTHING is ever good enough”…well then transcribe that into HOW your next life may look…

            Let’s then say you are living a life of ‘nothing’ but you have achieved incredible peace, feel total acceptance and joy for being alive, and believe that a higher power adores you, loves you – and you are at One with yourself, others and life, and are incredible grateful…

            So where can we imagine that soul is going to incarnate ‘as’…at least a loving family, and surrounded by more love – material gain may not be the soul’s objective..

            The thing I believe is this…we all want ‘this’ whatever it is…because we all ‘want’ to know we are Creators….and NOT just in one lifetime…

            Past Life Regressions have proven to me over and over how if we don’t clean ourselves up we continue to re-attract everything that goes with that!

            And it also has presented the ‘core’ event where the painful belief often happened, and has played out ever since…That is why I am very passionate about, in my healing model, regarding finding and clearing those deep, ancient core wounds…

            Because then real DNA change occurs..

            Mel xo

        • dnmiller82@sbcglobal.net'
          Dominique
          July 14, 2015

          It seems like you’re trying to accomplish something positive here, but it also sounds like you just answered the question that was put to you with a resounding “yes.” With respect, I’d like to add my two cents, which I’m going to do my best to lay out concisely. As a lifestyle consultant myself, a pagan and a student of psychology, I’ve seen that type of harmful thinking do quite a bit of damage. I too believe in past lives, but I think it’s a tad narcissistic and way over-simplified to believe that whatever struggles (and whatever successes for that matter) that one might go through in life have been called in by the individual. That is a really problematic thought process and as I said, I’ve seen quite a bit of damage done to people’s senses of self, people’s relationships with others and their sense of empathy as well as their [healthy/true] understanding that they are simply not the focal point of the entire universe. One problem with the LoA is that if one believe that the individual creates their own reality with utter accountability for everything in it simply by thinking it into existence, that’s a self-defeating statement in and of itself, since the world is made up of billions of individuals with many different thoughts, wants, needs, ambitions and drives. The fact that the LoA suggests that one can draw people and events into or push them out of their lives-in itself-suggests a sense of overlap and therefore negates the initial assertion being made by the proponents of the LoA that it is in fact the individual who controls their own world. We do not live in a world in which we are solely responsible for whatever happens in our lives. What the LoA suggests is vastly different than the simple suggestion that we take personal responsibility and accountability in our lives rather than allowing ourselves to be passive bystanders and/or slip into the role of “victim”. The LoA is a childish, overly simplistic, harmful and self-defeating worldview reminiscent of an AMWay-esque pyramid scheme that can cripple our sense of self, our health, wellness, relationships, sense of empathy and which can lead those who follow it down the path toward developing narcissistic, delusional and sociopathic tendencies if not toward actually developing full blown personality disorders. The Law Of Attraction (or LoA) is an extremely dangerous worldview, both to those who possess it and to others. Balance is so important in all things. Having a delusion ally positive outlook on life is actually harmful. The Law Of Attraction IS harmful. I hope that you’ll consider doing some further reading on all of this. You seem like a good person trying to do good things and it’s concerning to see this system of belief being supported here. I urge you all to do some further research into the LoA and its proponents before adopting this as your way of life and world view. I’d also like to urge caution when talking with people who have gone through or are going through serious and troubling life situations, as it could permanently damage your relationship with those people if you begin demonstrating a complete lack of empathy and understanding to their plight and worse yet, if you’re willing to cast blame their way or suggest that they are either actively or passively to blame for all of their struggles (especially health issues, rape, incest, the breakup of a marriage and other similar issues).

    • rick3@telkomsa.net'
      Richard
      April 10, 2014

      Wonderful, powerful article, Melanie. I get you. Really powerful, life-changing information, this.

    • marymcdee@hotmail.com'
      MVH
      April 18, 2014

      The sense of injustice after being abused by a high level narc can be absolutely colossal. After all, many of their crimes are not currently illegal, like driving people to suicide or insanity. And they seem to get away with it again and again. Grrr. The best argument for me is the one Melanie makes..that it is entirely counterproductive to hold on to the resentment and mission to avenge. This only prevents the natural process of justice in the universe from taking its course. And worse, attaches the emotional charge of the abuse to the target and keeps them stuck in more of the same. And that seems extremely unfair to me. To me, that is like a glitch in the universe. Im glad that NARP offers a solution to shedding this stuff. Its hard work but I am hopeful of a good result. Finally something actually makes sense to me. Christianity, with the emphasis on forgiveness, never did. Its a great idea, but just so much easier said than done. This isnt my mission, but I am glad that laws are evolving now about DV that are taking into account that the crime is not about physical violence per se, but about a pattern of abuse and control that affects every dimension of the dysfunctional relationship. And the offenders go on to offend again. In some cases, when they are unable to find a new partner, they have moved on to become sex murderers. At least they can be brought to justice then. When it is merely their wife they are abusing, well thats pretty much no worse than a simple assault. Until the 70s marital rape was legal. Nowadays its not but its pretty much unproveable. Human justice still has a way to go to describe the crimes of narcs. But that is a job for lawyers not me. And the universe takes care of these people eventually. It just takes a long time due to the narcs propensity to dump his emotional baggage on his target and make it stick. They do this deliberately. That in itself is a psychic crime of sorts. The target suffers for their negativity. Sometimes for lifetimes.

  • gwendolyn831@gmail.com'
    Gwendolyn
    April 9, 2014

    Hi Melanie, yes, you’re right. As long as we are still engaging with something, we are still attached to it and giving it our power. Only when we disengage do we call our power back to ourselves / stop giving it away…

  • Janbjoerklund@yahoo.se'
    Father of Two
    April 9, 2014

    All this is so true, and still what makes things far more tricky is having children with one of those. What I’m trying to do, after 7 years in hell, is to tell the children’s mother “If you really love your children, look at their problems and try to understand that they have inherited your sensitivity and if you don’t realize that you never learned to cope with it, they won’t either. I can do my share, but if you continue like you do, your daughters are very likely to become as miserable as you are and make their husbands’ lives the same kind of living hell as the one I fell into.”

  • loiscarty@hotmail.com'
    Lois
    April 9, 2014

    I know what you are saying and agree wholeheartedly with every word. It’s still hard for me to understand why nothing ever seems to go wrong for the narc. They are never sad or lonely. How can that be possible unless they aren’t human? It seems impossible , and that’s why I want him to feel some kind of pain; isn’t that a normal human emotion that everyone should feel or is it only for the weak and pathetic people?

    • mapapazian@gmail.com'
      Maddie
      April 9, 2014

      Lois, Wow! I totally feel the same way that you do!!! Melanie, please advise us how to not feel this way. It is really frustrating. Is this our EGO taking control of us?

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        April 9, 2014

        Hi Maddie,

        big time! This is life without taking responsibility for – “The narcissist was showing me what I need to heal..”

        Now what is the next step…doing the work…

        Mel xo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 9, 2014

      Hi Lois,

      do you understand the narc is an actor?

      Never sad and lonely? Could you imagine every day waking up feeling like a heroin addict who needs heroin (narc supply)?

      Could you imagine being completely taken over by an ego which means no matter what the narc EVER gets its NEVER enough to feel at peace…

      You lived with one – you saw how this person could not be happy, was always sabotaging and could never be appeased…

      NOW back to you – you obviously have not even started claiming and healing what you need to – if you REALLY are that caught up in believing the narc has a wonderful existence…

      Also IF you believe that me or anyone else telling you that the narc’s life is an emotional hell on earth will make you forget it, feel better, or make your life go well – you are nowhere near the right path.

      Your life is NOT about the narcissist, it is about YOU!

      Enough for my lecture!

      Mel xo

      • mapapazian@gmail.com'
        Maddie
        April 11, 2014

        Mel,
        thank you for your frankness! You are right! I am not taking control of me! I cannot let what is going on with the Narc rule how I live my life. I know and have experienced my authenticness when I go to my job as a teacher. My students appreciate me for who I am and I enjoy being my self around them. I am a wonderful person who shares her love of learning with all. The bottom line is I like who I am at work and I need to like myself at home. Thanks for letting me share this! This is a wake up call!

    • argen1214@aol.com'
      Nora
      April 10, 2014

      Lois,
      You wrote that narcissists are never sad or lonely, but in all truthness they “appear” to never be sad or lonely. Remember, appearances are far from truth and reality: they are very lonely and sad human beings. Not too long ago, I realized that narcissists need more help than any of us, who although went through pain and suffering as consequences of their attitudes but are willing to heal. They do not even know they need to heal and repair themselves. Their lack of empathy for others reflects on their lack of love toward themselves.
      Love,
      Nora

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        April 10, 2014

        Hi Nora,

        so, so true..

        Narcs are terrified about being vulnerable and seen as weak…and they would be a terrible spectacle without n supply in private..

        They do treat themselves disastrously…

        Mel xo

  • adrianplatt@onetel.com'
    Adrian
    April 9, 2014

    Grant us Thy help till foes are backward driven
    Grant them Thy truth, that they may be forgiven
    Grant peace on earth, and after we have striven.
    Peace in Thy heaven.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 9, 2014

      Hi Adrian,

      gorgeous and profound.

      Heaven truly can be here – right here, right now…

      Mel xo

  • Milkmaiden@outlook.com'
    Rachael
    April 9, 2014

    This just came at the right time for me. 6 months of no contact after a 10 year hellish relationship. I thought it was too good to be true then he turns up at my new gym. He’s been accessing my bank account transactions.
    Ironically I feel nothing but slightly irritated by his presence. I’m so happy now I’m single and free! A different person.

    http://youtu.be/9J3L3GyQyzo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 9, 2014

      Hi Rachael,

      I am so pleased this was great timing for you!

      Fabbo you are free!

      Mel xo

    • momyzgrn@hotmail.com'
      Champ
      March 10, 2017

      Finding this post has anesrwed my prayers

  • Simone@arcaide.org'
    Simone
    April 9, 2014

    I have tried to believe in and apply metaphysics (you are responsible for everything) to my life for about 30 years, and I’ve watched my mother struggle with illnesses and pain she can’t shift with it. I now know that reality is influenced greatly by our mindset but it’s not the whole deal. The actions of other people are real. Their effects on our situation are real, and their choices are owned by them alone. I couldn’t make my narcissistic ex husband steal my money, or hit me, or put on a charming facade to trick and entrap me, so why should I be responsible for it? I’m not. I certainly didn’t have a history of falling for abusers.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 9, 2014

      Hi Simone,

      mindset is actually a very small part of the deal..its what we deeply feel and believe somatically in our bodies which is truly creating our realities.

      The cognitive ‘chatter’ we often do is simply trying to manage any unpleasant aspects of that!

      Every person has an inner belief systems and wounds (fear / contraction) or lack of wounds (inner freedom) creating how they show up, and what they attract in life.

      Your narcissistic ex clearly has huge inner identity wounds, hence why he behaves atrociously…but that is NOT your responsibility, or ability or even right to change.

      I AGREE 100% percent you are NOT responsible for him – you are responsible for you..

      And that means ‘what is it about MY inner identity wounds that sets me up for this?’

      Life does not roll dice…

      Mel xo

  • Melissa.mullinnex@me.com'
    Missy
    April 9, 2014

    Reading this caused a profound moment for me. Sitting alone with a 3-month-old that was discarded right along with me for another woman…well, let’s just say peace has been hard to find lately. I’ve found myself angry and it’s too consuming. This brought me back and made me realize what I need to do. Focus on ME and my healing. I may not be able to control what happens to me, but I can control how I respond. Thank you. Sincerely.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 10, 2014

      HI Missy,

      I am so pleased you see how important this is…not just for you, but for your precious little one too..

      To learn from Mum – how to be healthy sourcing and being in life…

      Hugs to you both..

      Mel xo

  • nicolet71@gmail.com'
    Nicole
    April 9, 2014

    OMG this couldn’t have come at a better time for me! I had a first appointment with a legal aid lawyer today about how to put some boundaries down with my ex who works OS re contact with kids, financial support etc and I definitely was feeling hard done by and wanting some vindication for all the pain I’d been and continue to be put through. I got some common sense advice and then read through this article and the combination of the two has helped me to process that advice in a slower and more mindful way in regards to reflecting on my reasons and motivations for doing what I need to legally. I’ve had such a debilitating combination of anger and deep sadness for so long, but today I was finally able to say to myself “hang on why are you allowing that stuff to dominate your day to day life. You’re FREE, truly FREE”. Thank you!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 10, 2014

      Hi Nicole,

      I am so pleased this was good timing..

      That is it – that is your goal – be FREE emotionally and then take action..

      You are very welcome Nicole 🙂

      Mel xo

  • maureen.hughes@mailb.hse.ie'
    Maureen
    April 9, 2014

    Thanks Melanie, I am so so thankful to you for pointing out the light and after a court settlement, everything went so well for me it was unreal. My N. has the four adult children to move out of the family home with him,again to isolate me, but I see what he is doing, and I told each individual son and daughter that it was their choice and do what they wanted, but that ideally they are free to come and go between both parents. I am sorry for them to be caught up in his web but I know some day they too will see the light. I am ina great place of strenght, light, and back to myself purely from all the knowledge you have e.mailed to me over the three years. Life is full of beauty, freedom,God and truly worth living with every blessing to you Melanie MH

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 10, 2014

      HI Maureen,

      you are so welcome. It is ‘unreal’ when we work at the inner and connect to the Field…but in fact it is totally ‘natural’..that is how we are REALLY in harmony with life – which is a force that works easily as opposed to someone who is NOT in harmony with life.

      Your children are doing their own growth and lessons in this situation – which I can tell you have a lovely acceptance about.

      Your door and your heart is open, and you have no CONDITION on them having to be a certain way or do a certain thing for your wholeness.

      People truly can see you Maureen as the example – the freedom, joy and love that you are feeling is DESPITE what has happened in your life – and it is EXACTLY what I am talking about…

      You have done self-responsibility, focus and work on yourself – and it shows!!!

      That is evolution…

      Thank you for sharing, and every blessings to you too Maureen 🙂

      Mel xo

  • Jilliandav@gmail.com'
    Jillian
    April 9, 2014

    Thanks Melanie, I am close to walking away from my narc and his extended family. Thank you for this posting, it has enabled me to realise that my separation and readiness to go is now there after a 3 year journey. Please never stop the work you do. Jillian

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 10, 2014

      Hi Jillian,

      I am so pleased you are getting the inner strength to honour you!

      You are very welcome, and I don’t think I will any time soon!

      Mel xo

  • lfowler2004@comcast.net'
    Redd243
    April 9, 2014

    Thanks for sharing…I find this fits into other aspects of my life also and really hit a nerve today with something I am dealing with non-Narc relationship wise. Very profound and I love it…especially stating the difference between saying something is not for me and I am worthy and loveable vs thinking/obsessing that I have to change/fix that something to be worthy and loved. WOW!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 10, 2014

      HI Redd,

      you are so right – this does relate to every area of our life!!

      Judgement versus acceptance – it is huge!!!

      You are very welcome Redd!

      Mel xo

  • jannetteburns@msn.com'
    Jannette
    April 9, 2014

    I feel like I have come a long way in my recovery. However, I have a narc that won’t go away. He keeps damaging my personal property and automobile costing me thousands of dollars. When I ignore his texts and emails he acts out even more. So I feel like even when I do the right thing to ignore him, he comes back with a vengeance because I’m not giving him attention. How can I just sit back and let it roll off of me?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 10, 2014

      Hi Jannette,

      I and many people have been through this too..

      This I promise you – when you mean it – when you draw firm boundaries, and when you clear yourself emotionally there will be NO ENERGY for him to gain.

      Honestly you know you have not disconnected yourself…Have you set firm boundaries, intervention orders?

      Are you focused fully on healing you? Have you blocked all means for him to contact, and whatever it takes to say ‘I’m done?”.

      Mel xo

  • sabinonj@hotmail.com'
    laura
    April 10, 2014

    I’m glad I have found your website, it’s giving me some insight into what I need to do to make a change in my life. My problem, though, is that my narc is my ex-husband and we have a child together. I have to deal with him constantly and I’ve been trying to find a way to separate myself, but it’s been very difficult because us having a child together gives him every reason to contact me several times a week to the point of harassment.. How do I separate from him without looking like I’m not co-parenting with him in the court’s eyes?? Please help!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 10, 2014

      Hi Laura,

      many, many people in this community have children with narcs, and many people on the NARP Program co-parent without pain and fear, and do Modified Contact and boundaries. Because they have healed and empowered themselves and are NOT affected by the narcissist anymore..

      There are even people who still work with narcs, and as a result of working on themselves have been able to disconnect and not be triggered..

      The basis for all narc relationships – and every issue in our life that hurts is do the inner vibration work first then outer action is so much easier WITHOUT the emotional charge.

      When you heal YOUR fear re standing up and laying boundaries, and feeling like authorities will not back you and you will be the ‘wrong’ one (childhood wounds) – then you will stand up and not allow the harassment and take your power back..

      This is your opportunity to heal this – in EVERY area of your life..(The narc and the situation is just making it conscious for you)..

      Make sense?

      Mel xo

  • katiegirlcapricorn@gmail.com'
    Kate
    April 10, 2014

    Melanie, I’ve been reading your blog for a year or more and have benefited every time I read you, and I’ve come to leave a comment at this time, because this is definitely, as the comment above states “nail on the head.” Thank you so much, the timing of this is, in my development, is impeccable!!! Thank you so much for your devotion to healthy emotional living!!!
    Sincerely, Kate

  • maggie.sanmiguel@gmai.com'
    maggie
    April 10, 2014

    Thank you, Mel! Another great article that seems to come at the perfect time for me. You have taught me to begin saying, “No” and it’s liberating to establish new boundaries and to honor myself. Thank you as always! Maggie

  • jeanjohnson2911@gmail.com'
    Jean
    April 10, 2014

    Thank you so much Melanie!

    I am refocusing and dedicating myself to upleveling myself!NO CONTACT and healing the inner wounds!

    I had thought I had gotten over all the stuff my ex did to me, but when he started in on our daughter – I was hooked in again.

    Of course, he has abused by proxy, as you know all these same stories..haha. When I tried to make him accountable to what he is doing to our daughter – it’s been nothing but police and lawsuits for me and our daughter. After he picked a fight with her and hit her – she hit him back and he called the police on her….etc, etc, etc. You know the same stories.

    Both my daughter and I have been abused further, trying to make him accountable – and it’s been a nightmare beyond the worst of any in my life.

    Note to self: DO NOT ever try to make a Narcisstist accountable :-).

    Much love Melanie!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 10, 2014

      Hi Jean,

      yes we do know those stories – absolutely…and how it feels..

      Jean as a mother you have an incredible ability to ‘lead the way’ with your daughter, and when you heal you – then she will heal..

      You can even with NARP put your daughter’s energy in Modules and heal for her – and she WILL shift…(with her permission of course)..

      Yes heal self FIRST – then accountability will unfold – totally…

      Mel xo

      • jeanjohnson2911@gmail.com'
        Jean
        April 10, 2014

        This sounds great and I am working on myself – so that my daughter can heal as well.

        Question: How should I go about putting my daughters energy into the Narp modules?

        Should I do one for myself – and then separate modules just focusing on her?

        Thanks for everything!

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          April 10, 2014

          Hi Jean,

          great stuff…that is perfect that you are!

          Ok this can be done one of two ways (or both)..

          You can use the goal setting Module and set the goal as ‘(The state you want for her)’ and then clear all of YOUR resistance to that…and what that ‘sets up’ is her vibration raising up into that ‘shift’ in your experience..

          That is very powerful – it worked wonders in my life with my son, and many people have had incredible success with this..

          The second way is you can use your body as proxy for her – with her permission – set that intention (my body is her body), and then you simply surrender into the pain you feel in your body (which has just become hers) and shift and work through as your normally would…

          THAT Is incredibly powerful – but of course it is so important to NOT do the co-dependent thing and focus on healing others and stop working on ourselves!

          Also we have to be careful that we are NOT doing someone else’s healing all for them – and that we allow them to take on effort and responsibility for themselves..otherwise we enable them NOT to commit to themselves, and not to grow and empower themselves…So I would use THIS method in small doses…

          I generally suggest it with clients who have impaired children who simply can’t do healing work on themselves..

          After you do a healing, if you are using your body as proxy – make sure you speak out loud or in your mind that energies return to their respective people, so that you do disconnect.

          I hope this helps!

          Mel xo

  • kauaikapaa@hotmail.com'
    Barb Hutton
    April 10, 2014

    Dear Mel: Thank You for this article. After finding out about my deceased husband just over a year ago now My eyes were opened up, as Narcissists pass the gene onto their children. And the children pass it on to their children. When my husband of 43 year died in 07 I found myself alone, and very scared to make any moves, as when I did do a move it always came back WRONG. So then I felt like I was still the looser. I helped our daughter to get out of debt. Yes she was vigilant in paying me back at first, and then came the missed payments, no contact and just abuse from afar. So because I’am a pensioner and only have so much monies I took her to court. She went back into debt with a vengeance and bought a new pick, still no payment on the debt to me. I was going into debt myself now to cover her butt, that is why I took her to court. She doesn’t want to have anything to do with me and has affirmed this with my grandson also a Narcissist. Well the feeling is mutual. 43 years with my husband doing things that just didn’t make sense to me and me always being Wrong, once he passed I felt it was over. No not yet, as now I’am dealing with our child and grandson. I’am a FIXER, but cannot fix what doesn’t want to be fixed. So am waving bye bye to both of them. My grand daughter got lucky and didn’t get it. But when I told her what was going on and what they are about she seemed to have the same response I did when I found out. Oh my God what is this and why did it happen and whole cow the puzzle seems to be taking forum. She and I are now working towards ending this, but I feel that one of my two great grandchildren now has it. Was babysitting this child one day and said, NO don’t touch, well she went off just like my daughter use to do when she was young. So feel my grand daughter will be living with this for the rest of her life. It just keeps on keeping on! Seems unfair as we are only here to love, respect and take care of these ingrate’s. Well the court case came up a couple of weeks ago. She is to pay me back. So we will see just what happens. I took her to task and won’t be having anything to do with her during this time. So didn’t really win anything. But winning wasn’t my purpose. It was to acquire what was rightfully mine to begin with. Thanks to my grand daughter she keeps me in the loop. and the grandson is now working on the other grandmother, and fleecing her now, not me. Tried to tell her about the narcisstists, but she wouldn’t listen said she could handle it. WEll fly at it, and good luck. My husbands mother passed it on to her two children. I was surrounded by them, didn’t have a ghost of a chance as I didn’t have a clue about this type of people. There’s more much more but am trying hard to be the person I was before I met this person. I’am 69 years old now and feel so young and inexperienced that I’am afraid to make decisions of my own. Cause when I do it always turns out to be the wrong way. I feel so lost and incomplete, and alone. At present I’am just going through the motions. Trying with all the strength I have to make it through each day. I feel like that song, ” Nobody knows the troubles I’ve seen, Nobody knows my sorrow. I’am indeed a full empath and if possible would love to help these types out, but know it would be my demise. Have heard they can recover through intense therapy. Much Thanks Mel for all you are doing. Bless You. always, Joyce…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 10, 2014

      Hi Barb,

      In my experience I have found that not every child of a narc ends up a narc – but yes I certainly do believe it can be genetic..

      Barb, it is so tough when it is family – however there is still only the simplified version of living that works – we can ONLY be responsible for healing ourselves – period, and living the most authentic life we can…

      Then ‘Life’ brings us more people and situations that supplement that shift..

      Its never too late for anyone..

      You can recover through NARP Joyce if you chose to.

      You can’t help these types Joyce, you are here to love and commit to you and then life will bring ‘more of that’, and genuine opportunities for you to share that..

      Mel xo

  • bmwstbll@yahoo.com'
    Bill
    April 10, 2014

    Hi Mel,
    All I can say for your explaination of this topic is “Right on!”

    When I released the narcissist from responsibility I released myself…and there is justice because the poor sick thing is still just as stuck as she ever was, moreover I am now able to extend my compassion.

    I do have a question because like so many victims part of the abuse I received involved triagulation with others. I have heard you refer to triangulation but I haven’t heard you do a show/blog on the subject?

    More clarification on this narc tactic would benefit me and perhaps many others because my narc sure used others against me over and over. I see it now but that wasn’t always the case.

    Conscious Peace,

    Bill

  • saralou_d@yahoo.com'
    Sara
    April 10, 2014

    Hi Melanie,

    Don’t know if this is the same but I realized just this week that believing I was played or a toy in the narc’s life make me take it very personally. My ego didn’t like being played at all. When I truly realized, just this week, that I was ONE OF the narc’s addictive “fixes” I didn’t take that personally. When I look at it, EVERYTHING about him is about getting his “FIX”. I know you call it supply, but that equaled toy to me and I took it personally. In my mind, his “fix” has noting to do with me and I don’t take it personally. Any thoughts?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 10, 2014

      Hi Sara,

      Everything in the narc’s life is an energy feed…including people..

      It’s not personal at all – its how narcs live.

      My thoughts – heal yourself!

      “What is it about ‘me’ that caused me to be not sourcing myself healthily so that I became ‘food’ for a narcissist.”

      Mel xo

  • tdayers@sbcglobal.net'
    kate
    April 10, 2014

    Everything you write I deeply feel and relate to. Do you have any onsite on having a young child with a narc? I want all the things you say we should have but I can’t have no contact because we have a daughter who is 3.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 10, 2014

      Hi Kate,

      I wrote a post above – that the basis is no different whether you have children or not – or whether you can be No Contact for life, or need to do Modified Contact..

      Clean up the inner first – and that is ESPECIALLY necessary if things are tough..such as co-parenting…

      This is the incredible irony of us as humans – we tend to NOT do what we need to do when times are tough…and when it is REALLY needed…

      Please read this article – and I hope it helps…

      https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/how-to-empower-your-children/

      Mel xo

  • quintonedward.jantjies@gmail.com'
    Quinton Edward
    April 10, 2014

    Hi Melanie,

    What you say rings so true for me on a deep level. I have been observing the law of attraction for a while now; I work in a call center and on a “hard day” customer’s would be slamming the phone in my ear, swearing at me or guilt tripping me for disturbing them with my surveys, not to mention the fear of making the next call which makes my productivity go low. However, on a good day, when I am in a positive space, my productivity hits the roof and higher, I get customers who actually want to keep the conversation going beyond just the survey, people who thank me for restoring their faith in the companies, on who’s behalf I am calling to do the research, etc etc etc.
    On those days, the rude people do not even bother me, I can actually laugh it off (They are a very small minority on those days).
    I have also seen that when I am focusing on how angry I am with a person for whatever reason and or talking about it, I keep on running into that person for the rest of the day. I actually decided to just take my focus off a guy whom I tried talking to but he was always rude for no reason, back to me, and now he actually initiates contact himself or smiles when he greets.
    I also have past life beliefs and I believe that we, on an energetic level, attracted the infant and childhood situations with the energy that we were already vibrating at, at the end of our previous life.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 10, 2014

      Hi Quinton,

      when we are conscious – it all unfolds before our eyes very predictably…

      And no longer can we claim ignorance!

      Great post!!

      Mel xo

  • sdelapasture@yahoo.com'
    Sarah
    April 10, 2014

    Melanie, thanks. You are so right. After 5 years of utter agony (heartbreak is physical), I have got to the stage where I can honour that I love my narcissist and have compassion for his eternal torment, which can and does exist alongside that I decline to be treated badly any more.

    The result, after so much rage and hurt and obsession, is peace calm and love. Thank you for everything you write and the help comfort and reassurance you give us.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 10, 2014

      Hi Sarah,

      be careful with that – it can be illusionary – and it can still be ‘handing over energy’..

      What is the real goal – is releasing your wounded parts enough so that you can detach and fill your heart and soul with your connection to Source / Life / God for yourself – and THEN spread that out into the world…

      And truly into areas of LIFE that are healthy, alive and co-operative flourishing…

      You may already ‘be there’ and if not…I just intuitively feel that you may not quite be anchored ‘for you’..

      I hope this makes sense..

      Mel xo

  • barbradle@gmail.com'
    Barbara
    April 10, 2014

    I cannot stand the sight or sound of the voice nor even the thought of the narc who has been in my life. I no longer have any desire to fix him. That desire to fix him is part of how I got myself into this situation and part of how hard it has been for me to disengage. The desire to fix comes from empathy. I now see that there is a spectrum for empathy. There is healthy empathy, there is too little to no empathy and there is too much empathy. Too much empathy has really harmed me It caused me to neglect self care, I was so focused on what I could do for others. Narcs are vampires.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 10, 2014

      Hi Barbara,

      Too much empathy has created a lot of pain, for a lot of people..

      When we really investigate what is ‘under’ the behaviour of giving and forgiving way too much – there is usually big over-responsibility programmed in childhood and beliefs such as ‘I am only loveable and safe if I give’…’People will love me if I forgo my needs for theirs..’ (and so many others)..

      Then it manifests as ‘over-giving’ – but really there is a subliminal panic of ‘not giving’..

      It’s about finding and healing those wounds to change the pattern.

      Mod 6 in NARP deals directly with ‘those’ wounds…as it is a big issue that attracts and enmeshes people with narcs – and one of the hooks that makes it hard to let go..

      Mel xo

  • taniakol@yahoo.com'
    Wary
    April 10, 2014

    I think it’s finally sinking in. I woke up from my nap thinking “the best is yet to come”. Finally. Sick of the abuse tapes that keep playing in my head. Talk about vibrations. These people, toxic, cause damage. Which affects other relationships. It’s a ripple effect. What you’re saying is a way to stop this ripple effect to one that is a good vibration coming from us. It has to be done. Otherwise they “win”. It’s affecting my relationship with other people, I am not the mother I meant to be, because I am snappy and stressed because I’m thinking negative thoughts. You have to snap out of it. There is no other way.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 10, 2014

      Hi Wary,

      So true, if we don’t up-level from the darkness into the light – we keep the darkness going – the virus of ‘separation’ and ‘pain’ spreads like a black ink…

      This is why we need to take on our healing…we need to create more light NOT darkness..

      Mel xo

  • andrewsll@tx.rr.com'
    Laura
    April 10, 2014

    I am slowly making progress but not near enough . I know all this but just haven’t been able to put it into practice. This article really spoke to me like no other has been able to. I think I only needed a nudge to get me over the hump and finally seeing the freedom this will bring.

    But I still have one question regarding the empathy and compassion. My stumbling block has been lack of empathy from the narc when I am truly hurting, not necessarily hurting from the narc (which happens regularly anyway), but just some other event in my life, or illness of a loved one, etc.

    So if I am to release this need for the empathy, what about empathy from other people besides the narc? Is this a dependent action that I need to let go of? Is it wrong to need to feel empathy from others – is this making me dependent on someone else for my content?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 10, 2014

      Hi Laura,

      The truth of this is actually simple – your question is great!

      You have to have enough empathy for yourself to go inwards and heal – THAT Is where compassion needs to start!

      When you become a source of true love and compassion to yourself – first of all you are no longer ’empty and needy’ and tolerating abusive people for ‘crumbs’ or ‘false love’…in fact you will say (metaphor) “Why do I need that greasy take out when I provide myself with wonderful nourishment?’

      Then also,you will start attracting and maintaining relationships with genuine people who have genuine love and support to give (a match to who you are being to yourself).

      So the answer ALWAYS is on ANY topic – it has to START with self to self!

      Mel xo

  • galeetallen@gmail.com'
    GA
    April 10, 2014

    Speaking from experience, when I was coming out of recovery, I heard through some people that my ex-narc lost his business and apartment we shared together. It was about two years after our break-up and it seemed that maybe he was getting his ‘karma’. The ‘old’ me would have been pleased to hear this, but at that point I had let go of so many of my limiting beliefs connected to my ex I had no reaction whatsoever. If anything, I actually felt a little bad for him, as much as I would any other human being who is going through a rough time. My non-reaction was a huge testament to how far I had come. The only ‘good’ thing that came out of hearing that news was making the decision to disconnect from the friend that told me. I was at a point in my life where gossip no longer interested me and I did not want to be friends with someone that wanted to share news like that with me. It’s none of my business. My only business is myself.

    Trust me, from personal experience, if you go through recovery like NARP, any suffering you see/hear the narc may be going through will be none of your concern. You will be too preoccupied living your own healthy life to care.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 10, 2014

      HI GA,

      it is so true, that when we are fully focused on our evolution, and the gift this brought – there is no attachment to the narcs life..

      We are so aware that everyone’s journey is between them and Life…

      Thank you for your post!

      Mel xo

  • rhumphrey_35@hotmail.com'
    Robin
    April 10, 2014

    Melanie,

    I agree with what you are saying 100%, but it’s hard to not be upset. I’m depressed almost every day, and I try to think positive, but the negative thoughts come back, and it hurts. I do however appreciate your emails on different topics. Thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 10, 2014

      Hi Robin,

      It hurt like rubbish for all of us – and for many of us our mind couldn’t fix that – we needed to do the inner work.

      Robin, when you have had enough of the pain, and you want out of it – you will try NARP..

      I know when I wanted out – I tried everything to stop the pain…

      The answer is there for you if you want it.

      Mel xo

    • lucy.mae@westnet.com.au'
      Lucy
      April 11, 2014

      You don’t need to be perfect, Robin. Any little step you take toward the light, life will lift you and carry you forward.
      I’ve been hostile all week (not a narcissist, but a couple of boundary-challenged community nurses who visit my elderly mum). I got so hostile, I finally realised, it’s not them! I need to set some boundaries on me!
      I bought Melanie’s mini-program and tried it for a couple of nights. This morning, in the supermarket, one of the nurses came up behind me, tapped me on the shoulder, apologised, and we chatted and – all so easy!
      It was just like as soon as I started to come back to my centre – life rewarded me.

      You don’t have to go from depressed to joyous overnight. I’ve decided it’s not how high and fast we fly toward the light, it’s the sincerity we bring to the task. That’s what life rewards.

  • alowry248@gmail.com'
    Annie
    April 10, 2014

    Hi Melanie!

    I have been following along for a good few weeks now, listen to all your radio shows and read your newsletters etc.

    I am totally blown away at how I came to find your resources and than again, not really. I was ready for this next step.

    I just finished module 3 of your Quanta Freedom Healing series which, despite my budget I felt was worth the investment in myself and my future. My freedom is everything to me. I think in an odd way it’s my mission here. As we all know, freedom from a Narcissist cost just about everything.

    and well worth it I say.

    I have as little contact with my ex as I possibly can, however we co parent a child who is 6 so I do my best and in the mean time work on my inner beliefs and my BOUNDARIES…. I thought I was already “over it” and healed and free until I started reading your material. Actually I was court ordered (two years after we divorced, at the pressure of my ex of course) to attend a co parenting class and up till now Id managed to avoid it feeling i’d stuck up for myself…but it was THIS class that showed me how much power he still had over me and how quickly I fell back to sleeplessness, anxiety and depression and ANGER. the last day of class, a new friend i’d made said the word “Narcissist” and it was like an explosion went off. I knew what he was but i’d forgotten I guess. so I googled “co parenting with a narcissist” and all my intuition was correct… strong boundaries, little to no contact… and then I found you.

    all this typing but I was really was just trying to say Thank you. 🙂

    it didn’t take too many shifts for me to realize I was pretty close to recovering from the abuse but I didn’t realize how weak my boundaries still are. the guilt at keeping him at no contact is GONE. and I felt so pressured not only by him, but by my peers and by this class to let him in MORE for our son’s sake, but NO !I know I cannot raise a strong independent son if his mother still tolerates abused and is weak! I am now at a place where I take standing up and caring for myself to heart. you were just the perfect next stepping stone I needed and will continue to use your healing sessions and modules till I don’t feel those moments of anxiety anymore and until it’s served its work in my life. I share all of this with everyone I know who could use it. poor boundary function runs rampant from what I can see.

    I wish I could share not my ugly abuse story which I don’t even resonate with anymore, but my NEW LIFE story! it’s amazing and every day I wake up so excited for what lies ahead! on paper I should be destitute but I have the adventure I crave, travel, friends (god the friends I have in my life now) support, FUN and freedom. Every need of ours is met and just about every want as well.
    I am truly on my way and I know all the pain of my past is behind me now.

    again, from my heart…
    Thank you Melanie!!!
    ~Annie

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 10, 2014

      Hi Annie,

      It is incredible when we start peeling back and looking in, the difference we know we can make and break free into..

      That is wonderful you are in this journey – cleaning up the inner, creating that space within and shooting for the stars!

      It is fun, and it is freedom – thank you for your lovely post!

      You are so welcome Annie!

      Mel xo

    • ravenblumoon@gmail.com'
      Joyce1970
      May 20, 2014

      Thank you for posting your experience with the co-parenting class, Annie! I, too, just finished a co-parenting class last weekend (my daughter is 2). I left the class also feeling the pressure from the instructor to be more involved with communicating with the narc for my daughter’s sake. What was nice is the class provided the contrast for me in feeling into my body and knowing that more contact does not feel right and I need to listen to my intuition. It gets tricky navigating everything with the courts and trying to do what feels right -sounds like we are on the right path, though – hang in there 🙂

  • claytonruth@rocketmail.com'
    Ruth
    April 10, 2014

    I am so on the brink of something big…a shift that I have been working hard for. I am seeing myself move between victim, and responsibility…it feels like being in a boat swaying side to side. Maybe more like yanking out a tooth that has been the source of much pain. I have not had a lawyer for a year and I have been feeling in to the victim feelings and vulnerability of it. As I have been doing my work, a lawyer appeared for free last week, and wants to look at my file. Now, what has shown up is parallel to the victim/ responsibility choice, and the parallel looks like vengeance (victim) or stand (responsibility). I am just slowly feeling the difference seep in. I really want to get to responsibility on a cellular level,and now I am feeling the possibility beginning to emerge in my bones. Maybe I am ready to take a stand and face my ex from stand…to hide or to repay both come from fear. The choice to stand is free.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 10, 2014

      HI Ruth,

      it sounds to me that you truly are getting responsibility at a cellular level, because you are going inward to your infinite wisdom about it..

      You are on the right track…

      Mel xo

  • jan@bonsmarahaven.com.au'
    Jan
    April 10, 2014

    Morning Mel, Boy don’t we all get up early to read your articles. This one was another one that came at the right time, but I have just one question.
    I have done all your programs and read all your e-books and constantly go back when I get bothered with something.
    My progression has been fabulous since from when I started 2 years ago.
    My Question: I don’t feel revengeful now, but heaps of compassion, when my narc enters my head, I feel sad for them, as I think of the emotional pain they go through to exist daily, it makes me feel sad not revengeful.
    Is this the same and feel revengeful.
    I have not seen the narc for a year and I’m doing good work on myself, accept for these feelings. I don’t let the ego grab them and I move through the feelings. Why are they coming up,my ego trying to confuse me?
    What do I have to work on to change that thought pattern re-occurring all the time, modules 4 and 5.
    Hope you understand what Im trying to explain. Cheers Mel

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 10, 2014

      Hi Jan,

      and I was up early before yoga to answer!! Big things to do today!!!

      Sure happy to answer Jan…

      Okay negative emotion is negative emotion, it is resistance to the stream of wellbeing and acceptance “no matter what anything looks like – it IS in perfect and divine order.”

      So all you need to do is THIS simple…

      Shift the sadness out in a healing Module…and you WILL discover deeply in your body what it is REALLY about – and once you up-level it – it won’t be there.

      The though pattern equals an inner wound…I would use Module 6 in NARP for that…and then (because it is a lingering deep one after so much inner work on yourself) – I would use the Goal Setting Module on exactly that ‘acceptance’ – “no matter what anything looks like – it IS in perfect and divine order.”

      This is a HUGE evolutionary leap opportunity for you cellularly…

      Gorgeous freedom and space on the other side of that shift…

      I hope this helps..

      Mel xo

  • D4banana@aol.com'
    Danna
    April 10, 2014

    The longer you focus on the unfairness of it all, the longer they stay In your vortex. There’s no winning! Never has been. You were never in control & never will be. But, what do we really want to control anyway? The continuous thought that I’m happy or striving everyday for that goal & that it’s only going to get better, is enough. I know without a doubt that they never will be! Always unhappy & blaming their whole life on someone else. What a miserable life to live. Never knowing true love & joy!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 10, 2014

      Hi Danna,

      yes I love that “You NEVER were in control anyway”…ain’t that the truth – and THAT was such a powerful lesson for us…

      Mel xo

  • roseannebarry@hotmail.com'
    Niva
    April 10, 2014

    I’ve been reading your website for a couple of years and many times have wanted to speak but didn’t. I’ve been in a relationship with a narc for six years (he has not been completely in a relationship with me) it is very complicated but he had been confessing his love for me, and my daughter, and taken us on trips (he has a million dollar home, Mercedes, tall and attractive fm guy and owned a bookshop…a poster boy for narc) and had been apparently trying to “make it work” but spent most of his time “making friends” with women. He said he didn’t like or couldn’t make friends with men (is that common for narcs?) a few times he made more than “friends” and I always forgave him, partially. I could never trust him, he would degrade his female friends to me and not ever be mutually social.

    We had a very passionate relationship and I believed a lot of the things he would say to me about how “he could never be with another woman ” and how it would be so hard for him to be intimate with a woman

    I always felt he was “off” and spent many years and even let go of one fantastic and very healthy relationship to have him back on my life. So here I am with a young child, about go lose my house, very few close friends because I had invested my time into him, a pending surgery to reveal if I have cancer (just told him about it in an email, he’s in London with a new woman he met on a dating site who I saw with him on a photo on line laying in bed together) and pretty much at a standstill.
    I feel that my anger or upset fuels him.. Is that typical of narcs?
    Also, I am not a victim, I am a very educated woman with an incredible set of skills and until I was immersed with him was very rarely judgemental (I feel he diseased me with his views but that I am recovering) and I am attractive and personable .
    As I said, I am at a standstill because after so many times he has twisted our “situation” to alleviate himself of guilt, as he says he has or had, I am at the bottom whereas he is at a peak. He attended a lit of law of attraction meet ups in London ( as well as a tantric sex meeting, because the people were kind) had a shrink for a year who started out ok but began to invite him over to her house and make him cookies and Skype him. At that point I thought it was wrong but again he told me I was controlling and jealous. ( she was helping him with his issues of making boundaries with women)

    Many of my friends, and many whom I’ve list because of my relationship with him, see him as a judgemental snob and player but his words, so many words, that I think he himself believes, had influenced me to fight to stay with him. He’s not even all that intelligent, very attractive and charming and has a family island and elite traveller etc. but when it comes to empathy and sensibility was annoyingly ignorant.
    As embarrassingly cathartic as this is, it is relieving.

    So, I am feeling that yearning for vengeance and I recognize its unpleasant presence in my life, but after seeing his “selfie” of him and the new British one in bed together (he said he hates British women) it’s more difficult to extinguish my yearning for his reprisal.

    My entire life I have been told that I am kind, aware, intelligent, curious and wise. I now doubt myself and even questioned if I was the narc at one point, and now I feel beaten. It’s as if he has triumphed in his life because he has stolen the light from mine. I guess I’m just exhausted. He is wealthy enough to but support, he’s 49 and with a very elite lifestyle. I am 44 and soon to be without a home fir me and my daughter, and not being a victim but it is largely due to my resolution ship with him.

    This article helped a lot. I will read it again and again and try to dismiss my doubts of myself. It is my anger and hurt I show to him ( which empowers him) that creates a weakness and doubt in me and which I am trying to control.
    I’ve never been on a situation of such deceit and I remember thinking how I’d never been cheated on and wondering how awful it must feel. I never could have imagined this.

    I just want to know if its common for the person abused by the narc to question wheather they are a narc?

    I’ll stop there

    Your writing is incredible
    Thank you

    ( I haven’t edited this so please excuse any grammar/spelling mistakes)

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 10, 2014

      Hi Niva,

      Ok first of all, and please know this is not judgement it is observation to help you…

      It does not matter how smart, capable and attractive we are – if we are hooked and obsessing about someone we need to admit that – and realise we are a victim – of being out of control with something we can’t control.

      We need that level of self-honesty and vulnerability to admit we need to heal and get well.

      Absolutely in virtually every case of people who are hooked and enmeshed with a narc – they start thinking acting and responding in ‘not well’ ways…(and why wouldn’t they?)

      Now, as you know your body is at risk of breaking down – because your inner emotional pain had NOT got your attention yet..

      Your answer is healing yourself, inwardly and committing to that.

      You have been here with this pain for two years, can I ask you why you haven’t done NARP yet?

      Mel xo

  • nikkibmorgan@aol.co.uk'
    Nikki Morgan
    April 10, 2014

    Hi Everyone,
    Just to give anyone with children a bit of hope, very long story short, my husband played the triangle with me and my 2 daughters, in particular my youngest aged 15, so when I left they chose to stay with him as I was portrayed as the depressed, miserable Mum and he was happy, fun, Dad, that had to have affairs to escape me! To start with I tried to co-parent but whenever I made any suggestions to him, he would tell my daughters and it would backfire on me, he somehow had them frightened to talk to me about their problems because he told them I would tell him. I did no contact with him and stayed consistent with my girls whenever they wanted to see me, this time of my life was the hardest, I looked back and thought how did it come to this and how did I not see what had been going on for years. The pain at the time nearly did push me over the edge but luckily I found Mel’s work, I started on the Narp programme, I worked on myself and now I have a great relationship with both Daughter’s, they now see me happy, full of genuine love and laughter, so they are starting to work out for themselves the truth. At the time is does seem hopeless but as soon as I started shifting all my own baggage things changed dramatically for me and my girl’s, so it really does work, if I had not done the work and had tried to get justice, I dread to think of the extra emotional damage I would have caused my children and myself, instead of blaming and shaming my husband I have taken complete responsibility for my part, cleaned it up and can now move forward with my life with my head held high, you can’t change the past but you can make the future bright! Love Nikki x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 10, 2014

      Hi Nikki,

      this is such a powerful post…

      As a parent myself who nearly lost my son to addictions and depression (he is now the most incredible young man you can imagine) I CANNOT emphasise this ENOUGH – that when we LEAD by example and heal our stuff, how our children raise to meet us there..

      They cam from us…they are a part of us…
      It actually breaks my heart when I see parents still stuck in their wounds trying to get their children out of wounding..

      You have to LEAD the way!!!

      You have to BECOME the change you want to see in the world – period – ESPECIALLY the change you want to see for your progeny – because your energy is what began their energy!

      Nikki your wonderful post is a total example of the miracle that happens when you take this level of responsibility.

      Nikki I will be contacting you about a Thriver Show – because so many people – and our next generation require this message…

      I hope you can help me get that message out there..

      Mel xo

      • nikkibmorgan@aol.co.uk'
        Nikki Morgan
        April 10, 2014

        That was the the key, I had done so much work on myself but still felt stuck in the guilt and shame of the damage caused to my children, so I did the forgiveness module over and over again, I could not get my head around how I was going to repair the damage, I kept hearing “be the woman you want your daughter’s to be” so that is what I am doing or should I say “being” xxx

  • andrewsll@tx.rr.com'
    Laura
    April 10, 2014

    I can really relate to Niva’s story and understand her intent of most of what she is saying. If someone had told me before hand that this would happen to me, I would have laughed hysterically because this kind of thing just doesn’t happen to “someone like me.” I knew better. I would know everything to look out for, all the signs, no one could ever pull something off like that on me. I am an acutely “aware” person. I would see it coming.

    But the realization that one day that it HAD happened to me is so overwhelming. It took me a very long time to process this new realization . Yes the pain is hell. But I was (and still am) particularly stubborn at being able to get out of the pain cycle. Are there stages you do through? like the grieving process? For so long it was confusion. THen disbelief. The the attempted fix. Then the feeling of utter defeat. Now I’m really trying to get out of what I think is the last stage for me which is the anger. The pain has finally spoken to me but my complete disdain for him fuels him so clearly, which makes me even more angry. This cycle is so hard to break. But I do know it has to come from within, which is where I am finally headed, after much pain.

    So I could see why it could take Niva so long because it did me as well. I have come to this site so many times seeking comforting words for the pain I was in that day. I knew better, on a deeper level I knew what was happening but seemed in an emotional paralysis. Sometimes, that is what I am the most angry about. That on some level I knew exactly what was happening but was too paralyzed to do anything about it. I would beat myself up for being too weak. I don’t understand this paralysis, and why some of us have to go through much worse pain than others before we finally get the message.

    This article really came at a good time for me because I am ready to fully receive it and for some reason today it makes so much sense, whereas I feel if I had read it previously, I wouldn’t have been ready yet to full accept and understand it.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 11, 2014

      Hi Laura,

      The cycle of pain is about what young unhealed part do we need to find and heal…

      Truly…

      And the problem with ongoing pain taking so long is because we haven’t or aren’t doing that…

      It can be very difficult sitting back here, seeing long suffering, understanding the contemporary pain model is about going through huge cycles of different stages, and consistently seeing (and living) a direct approach to working with the core of the pain FIRST rather than having to suffer for so long to FINALLY get to it…

      I am so glad this article is speaking to you at this time..

      Mel xo

  • raeannerose@gmail.com'
    Raeanne
    April 11, 2014

    I find paralysis is like a stubborn wall of resistance. It is resistance against accepting ugly truth, fear of unknown conseqences, and still wanting the narc to be accountable. I feel if those three things can be let go…truely let go…healing can begin. Accept the truth about the narc as ugly as it is. Let the consequences rest squarely on the narcs shoulders…not yours. Know they will ever be held fully accountable. The will continue to spin their webs.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 11, 2014

      Hi Raeanne,

      the stubborn resistance is a defence guarding a young unhealed wound…

      It is hard to dismantle the ego whilst it is standing guard, and using the wound to generate pain…

      When you start accessing the pain of the wounds, then the ego (resistance) will have nothing to defend, and the young vulnerable fears will not be there anymore…

      When we make it all about healing ourselves it gets to a point where the narc is NO longer responsible for our life – or even relevant…

      In fact we discover that the narc’s behaviour was ONLY leading us back to wounds inside us that were there long before the narc…

      Then we just open up, lose the fear, pain and resistance, expand and start loving our life – REGARDLESS of what happened to bring us to this point.

      The irony is EVERYONE is held accountable for their own life, whether they like it or not…

      Are we free? If not that is our responsibility…

      Are we trapped in resistance? If we are – it is our responsibility to create our own freedom..

      Mel xo

  • karen_lyons@rok.catholic.edu.au'
    Kally
    April 11, 2014

    Hi Mel,
    Thank you for this article. I not long ago sent you an email with some questions. I should have read this first as it answers a lot of my questions I had.
    Thank you xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 11, 2014

      Hi Kally,

      you are very welcome, and I am glad this answered many questions for you!

      Mel xo

  • Cathy.joy@optusnet.com.au'
    Cathy
    April 11, 2014

    Hi Melanie: as a NARP member, I have read all your articles, but have not always read through the comments and your responses. For this particular article I have, & it has provided so much insight into my “stuckness” or “being pulled back” which I believe has been triggered by the Oscar Pistorious case and how the victim’s family seem to be yearning for acknowledgement from Oscar. The comments here and your responses are so insightful. xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 11, 2014

      Hi Cathy,

      I am so pleased all the posts have helped you..

      Hugs and healing 🙂

      Mel xo

  • laurenguar@optonline.net'
    Lauren
    April 12, 2014

    Dear Melanie,
    This article is so completely articulate and inspiring.
    It is especially useful since it is about the ideas that I am struggling to grasp , the things our minds do not articulate well for us. I know you are right, I know these things are my needs and the lack if them my road blocks.
    Yet….. I am struggling terribly. I feel like I cannot by myself concentrate on what I have to do to help myself which is why I’m hesitant to send for your program. My loneliness is crippling. My heart is also breaking for my kids. I have some good moments, but I can’t bear that my husband could just walk away and start a new life.
    I wonder who he’s with, and I want ruin him but I can’t. I know, I know this is all wrong but I am in profound pain and can’t do this alone. I don’t know what to do, I have zero self esteem. I will read this article many more times if I am able. Thank you for the best insight I have ever gotten, I just feel like the pain had been so ingrained for so long it’s all I know.
    Trying to believe,
    Lauren

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 12, 2014

      Hi Lauren,

      I am so pleased the article shed much needed light for you.

      It is very true our mind when caught up in trauma and victimization has very little ability to understand the wisdom of deeper truths.

      It isn’t until we get a ‘shift’ cellularly in our bodies that our mind can follow…

      The very fact that you don’t feel like you ‘know what to do’ Lauren, is the EXACT reason why NARP will help you – because the healing MP3s are designed SPECIFICALLY to guide people who a) have never done inner work, and b) who are in great emotional pain and confusion.

      All you need to do is download, listen to instruction MP3 and start the first healing…everything is explained, and ALL you have to do is follow the simple process….

      That is ‘what’ to do…

      Reading is ‘informational’ healing – it is trying to get ‘new ideas’ to filter down into already existing entrenched subconscious programming,

      Transformational healing is another level entirely…it is the ‘new idea’ directly shifting the subconscious programming..

      Rather than trying to change a ‘way of thinking’ – YOU change at your very core..

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

    • raeannerose@gmail.com'
      Raeanne
      April 13, 2014

      Hi Lauren. Your post touched me so I had to jot a note here. Yes the pain runs very very deep. Down to the bones. To the very core. Although I myself still hurt I now realize this. He is not who he pretended to be. Who he portrayed himself to be does not really exist. Once you saw the real him or if he thought he was exposed, he left…to play the same game with another victim. It is hard to wrap our heads around how anyone can be so twisted. Melanie is a tremendous help so do not give into dispare. You are not alone.

  • rinatg1202@gmail.com'
    Rinat
    April 13, 2014

    I understand that trying to even the score for the sake of “getting even” is toxic and keeps me stuck in negativity and anger. I was a victim and don’t want to contine to be a victim. However in my specific situation, i have suffered sever violence which I have recently learned resulted in very real brain injuries from multiple traumas to my head nflicte by him. I don’t want to hold him unaccountable strickly for the sake of punishment but because I am now suffering from impaired memory, concentration and overall functioning. I want to be compensated for my injuries, no more than if it was from being hit by a drunk driver or from a roof collapsing on me due to shoddy construction. I do want him to be held accountable, financially and I do want to receive the damages I deserve. But does that mean I’m depending on financial compensation for my emotional or spiritual recovery? It gets a quite confusing. I’d appreciate your thoughts on my situation. Thanks
    I do love and appreciate this blog, in the meantime.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 13, 2014

      Hi Rinat,

      That has been incredibly awful for you….

      Yes Rinat, the real point if this entire article is about ‘your vibration’ …..and how we actually ‘create’.

      I agree in taking action in any case where action is possible – AND from a healthy emotional space.

      People may say ‘how could they be in a place of peace and acceptance after THAT happening?’

      The truth is – you and any of us can be, if we work hard at alchemising our soul out of the darkness and into the light….

      The Golden rule is, if your ego feels victimized and NEEDS certain outcomes to ‘survive’ , then more victimization will be generated..

      It is about being prepared to take on your own healing and evolution regardless, which I have no doubt 100 percent is NOT reliant on the compensation – as you and the Source / Life / God combination are much more powerful and unlimited than that.

      Mel xo

  • margarit72@aol.com'
    Jane M
    April 14, 2014

    Mel,
    I’m maintaining no contact with the ex narc, the father of my children. I released the need for an outcome with the court case against him, but that did not mean I let go of my needs, rights or dropped the case. We are dealing with child support issues and property issues. My needs here are to deal with these issues the best that I can, and get closure on them, but I approach these issue unattached to the result.
    Thank you Mel for your blogs and modules on these topics.
    My question is different, perhaps not completely fitting the topic of this blog but still: are there any ways to healthily express anger? Or is it never right to be angry or frustrated with others?
    I’m struggling with respect to my young children.I expect certain things and when they don’t happen, I feel angry, frustrated, yell (let’s say when one of my kids does not focus on his homework or the other does not close tv on time…) Is this all wrong? What’s the right way to deal with my anger? I always regret it later and know in my head I achieved nothing, but somehow I can’t stop!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 14, 2014

      Hi Jane M,

      Yes it is about walking your truth powerfully and calmly – but not having the neediness or painful requirements of your ego tied up in it – and then the truth and best outcome can prevail within that ‘open space’..

      You are welcome re the resources on this topic…

      Ok there is of course ‘appropriate anger’ which says ‘no more’…but this is the clincher…any anger in regard to a narc is a FEED…it simply energises them, empowers them and they take no responsibility for ‘what’ they did to cause other people’s anger…

      This is the huge spiritual lesson of being narc abused, is that we need to deeply, deeply take the incredible responsibility on this – every negative emotion the narc has brought up for us relates back to some powerless, young wound that we have not healed yet…INCLUDING anger…

      We all had incredible anger (negative emotion) about the unjust, amoral things the narc does…but when we find and release the associated wounds there is NO anger left, no energetic feed to the narc, we disable their ability to keep doing stuff that makes us more angry (because we are no longer an energetic match for ‘anger’) and we get to heal that previous hidden ‘wound’ that was affecting other areas of our life apart from ‘the narc’.

      So in regard to your children – the same applies…when we get angry we ‘feed’ the issue – we know it doesn’t work effectively, and our emotions afterwards are telling us ‘that wasn’t the best way to deal with this”…

      This is where NARP is so effective for anything – NOT just the narc….If you use the goal setting Module – and set up the goal “Being calm and clear with my children”, and then clear all the resistance to it – you will find the really young wounds that actually are the core of the ‘anger’…You will find beliefs and wounds such as “no-one listens to me” “No-one values me”, stuff like that that has played out with your children with the narc – and was originally set up in your childhood…Then you will EASILY change and show up differently..because you are not trying to change a behaviour – you have at the core of YOU changed…

      Can you see the difference between shifting it and trying to intellectualise it?

      Mel xo

  • margarit72@aol.com'
    Jane M.
    April 15, 2014

    Mel,
    I do see the difference.
    I will set up the goal and see if that works! I hope I clear it in a way that won’t be just anger repression/anger denial (where I would pretend I am not angry with the kids but actually inside I will be all boiling up) but rather a true anger release result. That’s certainly will be my goal when I do the module. Hope I will succeed.
    Thanks much.

  • margarit72@aol.com'
    Jane M.
    April 15, 2014

    Forgot to say: love ya!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 15, 2014

      Hi Jane M,

      Yep, understand what you mean….that it’s ‘not just anger at the kids’….ok you may actually be able to feel in and identify ‘what’ the charge is and set up opposites as goal…

      However, truly using that goal, will unravel exactly what it is that is really underneath the anger, and then after that goal setting session, you will have the information to create another if necessary.

      Love you too Jane 🙂

      Mel xo

  • margarit72@aol.com'
    Jane M
    April 15, 2014

    Mel,
    I’m so glad your responded. It is ‘not just anger at the kids’ sentence gave me a shiver suddenly. It is anger at me. I am a super achiever and always believed that excelling at school, listening to my parents would protect me….And I ended up with a NARC despite so many career achievements, and wonderful friends. I’m angry with myself I can’t deliver to my kids the right path- I can’t say: if you will listen to me – you will be ok, because I don’t believe it. I’m angry with my kids but more so with myself. A lot to deal with in that goal setting module…
    Thanks again.

  • helena.kruse@yahoo.com'
    Helena Kruse
    April 16, 2014

    Hi Melanie!
    I have a strange and difficult issue here..
    My ex is a narcissist + probably some other disorders, I moved to live almost next doors to him on a farm. At the time I had no idea about narcissism but looking back it was sooo obvious already from the start.

    The story is long and damaging so I will jump to the situation I have at hand for the moment.

    When I lived at the farm, several of our animals were killed or severely hurt plus over and over again found in a basement of a summerhouse. My daughter Heard wisseling, knockings and felt as if she were watched she also saw something or someone outside the window – very often this happened when she was alone.

    After the brakeup which was an uggly one I let the farm to a family. Very soon the reports of knockings, doorhandles moving, keys put in the door, several killed and hurt animals, trash beeing pulled out, looked up animals or animals being let out of the Cage. At a numerous occasions they saw someone in the dark hiden behind fences, bushes plus sweeping by the windows. Their dogs barked at seemingly nothing, just like my dog did but now i know there was someone.

    Me and my daugter thougt all that happened had natural explanations like people from the other side (ghosts) and that what happened our animals was other animals or some cruel kid.

    As all of these things happened to the family who rented I realized that it was not people from the other side and not some cruel kid – they had seen who it was. It was my ex boyfrien who lives almost next doors.

    Another family reported the same happenings and dont dare to live on in the neighbourhood anymore. It had been going on for years at their Place with stalking, killing animals plus putting dead animlas from other places on their yard.

    It seems as if my ex likes to hear the stories about whats been going on I realize by now as he made friends with and started to spend time and partying with the family he stalked – I bet he loved to hear about their problems and worries . He even said that he would keep an eye on my farm after I moved out and it was empty which ofcourse allowed him to worrieless spend time there without anyone getting suspicous.

    Everytime he had put me in a hurful och severelyt damaging situation in our relationship or my daughter he showed up the day after – something he never did after an argument. Also everytime the renting family at the farm was put in a damaging situation he showed up on the street waving and watching.

    My problem here is that Swedish law doesnt help victims – there is nothing the police can do. To Catch him we need to get evidence of him on Picture hurting and killing plus doing what he does. The family who rented doesnt want to work with the police and I as the owner of the house am not allowed to force them to use cameras or to cooparate. Because of this I stoped their renting period.

    I havce choices here as I read your text.
    Now as they are out – shold i persue him geting caught by putting up cameras, hide and call the alarmcentral who have promides they will send a car if I call..

    Or should I not do anything and just try to let go..

    He recently brought a russian woman to his home in Sweden and all of the issues suddenly stopped at both houses.

    The thing is that I dont understand why people who are put in these situations dont act they only talk about their problems and move instead or talk about moving but never move.

    It is soooo difficult for me that the person who killed and hurt my animals plus watched and scared my Child and her friends is not beeing charged. Even more difficult is it to find out it was the man who I loved..

    Why do narcissist act out like this – stalking, voyeurism (they have found big marks of him standing by the bathroom window watching once they saw him sweeping by also the same marks by the bedroomwindow – hurting and killing animals, scare Children and so on and how can someone who says Im the love of his Life do this to us and why is he doing it to neighbours and friends..

    Its hard for me to let go cause I want justice.

    Thanks for your work it is saving my Life.
    Love Helena in Sweden.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 16, 2014

      Hi Helena,

      that’s awful absolutely…

      Helena the important point here is ALWAYS (truly) the same, regardless of the situation and what the narcissist did.

      Tend to you inner healing first, and releasing the painful emotions (regardless of what they are) out of your body.

      Then, and only then will you a) naturally know what to do, and b) be a match for the results that you want.

      It is so ‘human’ for us to get trapped in our mind and try to find a way through it by taking action in the outside world – when the energetic reality is we have no power when we are still operating from pain.

      The ego illusion is “Of I just change something out there I will feel at peace in there”..the absolute truth, however, is this:

      “When I change my emotional vibration FIRST then my life on this topic will change”.

      Helena I cannot recommend enough for you (or anyone else feeling pain) do NARP – then it will all come together for you.

      That Helana is the REAL work that will not just save your life – but THRIVE your life…

      Mel xo

  • surfmoms@me.com'
    K
    May 14, 2014

    I still fail to see how I “attracted” all of the violence in my life.
    As a young person I was raped 3 times by 3 different men, I had a gun held to my head by another man, I was beaten up in a strangulation attempt at work and left partially disabled by yet another stranger.
    The law of attraction says I deserve this.
    I don’t understand how I deserve this.
    Then my work called up my narcissistic ex boyfriend to drive me home after the strangulation attempt. I was so scared that the strangler would come back and kill me, I had PTSD. I was afraid to be alone. In my state of PTSD and severe constant pain from injuries I agreed to marry the narcissistic ex boyfriend almost a year later despite some red flags. Then he isolated me from my friends, and eventually hit me and threatened to kill me. I was not allowed to divorce, it is against our religion. After he hit my kid I divorced him anyway, but his religion says we are not divorced and I am never allowed to date again and never allowed to remarry because he did not commit adultery, “only violence against his wife and children” which I am only allowed to be separated and never happily in a new relationship.

    I fail to see how I deserve this through the law of attraction. I do not believe in past lives, but if I agree with I deserve this was I one of Hitler’s henchmen? I was a very nice young lady and kind to all of my friends and still experienced multiple assaults. How is it that I attracted this? Please explain.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 14, 2014

      Hi K,

      there are many people who suffered victimised abuse at an early age…Myself included.

      Belief systems and trapped painful emotions are not as straightforward as ‘we deserved it’…

      They are simply painful beliefs..Many of us had them as generational painful beliefs…sexual abuse is one that many women were born with..

      For example if our female ancestors suffered it, (as many did) these wounds can be passed on genetically.

      Science is now proving this irrefutably..

      The truth is if these wounds are inherited and we are carrying them then they show up from ‘the outside’ via life.

      That is how Law of Attraction operates.

      And this is not determined by our integrity or decency – many lovely people carry deep abuse programs.

      That is why the inner work is the true path to release and heal.

      Mel xo

  • suzifrutschy@gmail.com'
    Susan
    August 18, 2014

    I have a hugely long story, years of marriage “with” an extreme N. Maybe I’ll share it at some point. For now, I’d like to just say, I stumbled upon this blog and have read several pages now. This article in particular….all I can say is WOW. Just a heart filled, breathless WOW. :’) Thank you Melanie

  • ltdmtl@msn.com'
    M
    December 16, 2014

    Melanie,

    I’ve totally missed the mark on this one. My ex slept with a man over 20 years her senior while pregnant with our child. I’m not really seeking accountability or vengeance. I know how insanely and grotesquely sick she is. I am just not getting relief and release from it. Any advice would help.

    Thank You.

  • Tulipjulep@aol.com'
    Julie
    July 30, 2016

    What is the difference between expressing a healthy boundary of what you do or do not want and that same boundary being a great big YES for more abuse? thats what seems to happen in my case. What am I missing? The empowerment to simply let them go if we are not a match on core values such as respect? Maybe that’s it and I’m trying too hard for the person to change instead of owning my own happiness. Thoughts??

  • fortunejoy@outlook.com'
    JESS M
    October 6, 2016

    Thank you so much Mel. The penny has finally dropped.
    Im very glad of that Intention you wrote above. I have battled like mad to make the n accountable; by replaying the script. I may not be replaying the tale on the forum of NARP; due to Code of Conduct; but I have been replaying it to myself and constantly using help phonelines and now; Im sick of it and tired of retelling “the dramas”; rolling around that icky energetic muck by engaging my fears and energies of accountability.
    I take it to GSM. THANK YOU ☆♡☆

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