Every New Year brings the opportunity for a new beginning – so welcome 2021 and good riddance 2020!
I hope that, like me, you are wanting to seize this chance to move forward and release what does not serve you anymore.
In our first Thriver TV episode of 2021 we are going to be covering how a narcissistic relationship ends, why you need to be the one that ends it and how to survive and then Thrive after the end, because that’s what we all want. Right?
As many of you know first hand, with narcissistic relationships, often there’s not a clear definition of how it ends and often they end and they start up again. That’s because narcissists are very, very clever. They’re after your attention, your energy, your despair, or your undying love and attention. And you are not only traumatized by this “off again, on again” devalue or discard game but you are very confused by all of it.
I know what that’s like because I was caught in this on-going cycle with my first narc but was able to sever it with narc number two.
What I share with you in this video will help you get clarity on how to break free from the narcissist and their crazy cycles of abuse to finally get on the path to finding love, union, tenderness, peace, harmony, and growth with a healthy person. But first let me show you how to become that healthy person yourself.
Video Transcript
Hi Thrivers, I hope you’ve had a beautiful and wonderful New Year and you’re fully recovered from all the food and alcohol and festivities, because today we’re going to talk about new beginnings 2021, but we’re going to talk about how narcissistic relationships end so that we can get into these new beginnings.
How it is excruciatingly painful, this is not like a normal relationship breakup, as well as how you can take your power back to heal in things on your terms or recover from the toxic relationship that you’ve left behind so that you can be free to start your new life.
It’s so important, the moving forward aspect that we’re going to talk about, because with Thriver TV here, we talk about so much more than just the information. I also grant you the true healing solutions.
In our talking points today, we’re going to be covering how a narcissistic relationships ends, why you need to be the one that ends it, we’re going to really look at that, and how to survive and then Thrive after the end, because that’s what we all want.
How Narcissistic Relationships End
How do narcissistic relationships end? How do they end? Normal relationships, okay, sometimes it’s messy and it’s nasty and it’s not great, but with narcissistic relationships, often there’s not a clear definition of how it ends and often they end and they start up again.
The reason for that is because an epitome of narcissistic relationships is a cycle of violence.
Narcissistic relationships, in this cycle of violence – they’re having endings and beginnings all the time until the final end. But it’s important to understand this because what is happening in a cycle of violence is the narcissist is abusive – and of course it doesn’t have to be physically, it can be emotionally and mentally.
You have a separation period where either they devalue and discard you, or you say I’ve had enough of the abuse. You try to pull away and then you may – because of aftershock and you’re just not dealing with the shock and the horror and the end – you may go back, try to fix things and hand away more of your rights and your boundaries to reconnect.
Or the narcissist could come and hoover you in – with false apologies, and I’ll do it differently – or hook you in by accusing you of something. Then you get back together and you think that you might’ve had some resolution, or maybe even hope that things are going to be different, then tension builds and the abusive cycle happens again. And this often speeds up. They happen more regularly, these cycles, and the abuse – the horrible incident – gets even more and more traumatic.
That’s what epitomizes narcissistic relationships. But then what will eventually happen is that you are so broken down that there’s nothing left to gain from you, or maybe you’ve become a liability because you’re so sick or deranged, or we get sick by being around sick people.
Or the narcissist has teed up more narcissistic supply, fresher pastures, which he or she can move on to, or you eventually stay away and go through the process of detaching, detoxing and moving on, which is very important. But I’m going to get to that. Before I get to that, let’s just continue on about how it ends and why it ends.
Narcissists all have a kamikaze switch. And a lot of people don’t know this about narcissists. Subconsciously, they end the relationship anyway. And the reason for that is because a relationship with a narcissist is based on narcissistic supply for them. They don’t want love, union, tenderness, peace, harmony, and growth together. They’re not after that.
In fact, that’s just such an insult to the false self, to the ego, because it makes them human and like everybody else. They want to be superior. They want to be more. They want to be the center of the universe. Their ego is all-important.
What they want is to be able to emotionally be the center of your universe for good or bad. So it’s like, they’re either just so wonderful or you are so traumatized and distressed that that gives them incredible A-grade significance because they think, “I must be so important to be able to affect you like that.” So, that’s what your relationship is about.
But what happens is because the relationship for them is based on a false self – which is the ego – it’s actually a false relationship. It’s not about a true relationship because they just don’t have the capacity, that’s not how they’re wired.
If the ego is getting enough of a feed, then the relationship can continue, but it gets rockier and it gets worse because you start not appeasing the false self in the way that they want you to. It’s impossible.
Think of a false self and ego. It’s never happy. You’re damned if you do, you’re damned if you don’t. Why is it never happy? Have you ever asked yourself that question? Why can I never make a narcissist happy? If you’ve ever asked yourself that question, I want you to tell me in the comments below, because I really think you have.
I’m going to give you the reason why you can’t ever make a narcissist happy – it’s because there’s nobody in there that has the ability to be happy, to be durably appeased. The ego is like – I always want or need something else other than what I’m getting to try to offset the way I’m feeling.
So what happens is the blow ups and the cracks are going to get worse and worse and worse until finally you’re discarded, or you finally drag yourself out of there bleeding, shaking, trembling, because you’ve been so abused that you know that you need to do this to save your sanity, your soul and your life.
Look, I know. I remember when I did that, when I did that with narcissist number one, it was horrible because it’s so much of the feeling of – you’re going to kill me if I stay with you, but even when I leave you, this is killing me as well. It’s a really hard place to be in and I understand it intimately. I really do.
Why You Need To End It
But this is what I really want to help you understand – you need to end it. And it’s actually not going to end until you end it, even if you get discarded, even if the narcissist gets with new supply, and I’m going to explain why. Even if you never see the narcissist again, it’s not going to end until you make the decision of you ending it.
Pema Chodron, and I’ve shared this many times in the community, her quote that is my most favourite quote of all time with narcissistic abuse. And it goes like this, this is what she said, “Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.”
Now, even if just energetically, the narcissist lives on within you, it’s not finished. And this is what so many people go through. Even 20 years later, it’s not finished because the narcissist is still living on within you.
Why? Let’s go back to what Pema Chodron said. She said nothing ever goes away until it’s taught us what we need to know. What has it taught us what we need to know? The narcissist has shown us that we need to wake up and realize that we’re trauma bonded and until you heal those parts of you that are already in trauma and broken – and those unhealed parts – until you heal them, you are going to be trauma bonded.
And this is why. It’s when you decide that this is finished – I’m going to stop researching everything about narcissists, I’m going to learn and watch every video about every single one of them – and instead what I’m going to do is get hugely interested into the discovery and the healing of those parts of myself, that’s what it means to decide to end this. Heal those parts of you that are still hooked in.
Now, apart from that, yes, the narcissist may hoover, they may hoover you. And so many people have said over the years, “They won’t let me end it. They keep coming back.” But when you know that this is about your evolution into a narcissist-free life, ending it also means strict No Contact where you block the contact, you delete if something gets through, and if you have to have contact with children, well, then you set up third party intermediaries and maybe even something like Our Family Wizard, and you put very strict boundaries in place.
If you leave yourself open and susceptible, which is really normal, so many people break No Contact when it ends and this is why we keep going through these cycles. I broke No Contact dozens of times until I really got it through my head about No Contact and turning inwards to heal those parts of myself that felt like they needed accountability and resolution and closure and him to love me and him to realize what he’d done to me and that I couldn’t live without him. Those were all those unhealed parts that kept me going back.
So this is what I want you to understand. If a narcissist is hoovering you, let’s bring it back to them wanting narcissistic supply, which is acclaim and significance. They’re not coming back in because they love you or they’re sorry or they want a real relationship with you based on integrity and kindness and care. They’re not interested in that. They’re interested in coming back into your life to get an emotional hit about how much they’ve affected you for good, bad, or otherwise, and then to go away again.
Once you’ve been discarded or you’ve walked away, a narcissist will get back with you to use you up, discard you again, or to punish you for leaving them in the first place. It gets worse. Second, third, fourth, fifth, 10th time around, it gets worse and worse and worse.
Now when you leave, this is what you need to understand. You’re going to go through after shock. This is a precarious time. So when you leave, you are going to go through a time where it gets worse for you emotionally before it gets better.
How To Survive And Then Thrive After The End …
And that brings me through to the final point is how to survive this and then thrive after the end.
So with the aftershock, it’s hard. Aftershock, what happens with that is when you’ve left and you’re out of the fight and the cross-fire, your being has time now, as it’s stationary, to feel fully what happened in the last hour, the last day, the last week, the last month.
And it’s like a freight train that now you’ve stopped, everything catches up and it hits really hard. And people around you will be freaked out because they’re like, “Well, you’re away now. You should be getting better.” You don’t, you get worse. You’re going to go through a really tough time.
Also, too, you’ve got peptide addiction, which means your hypothalamus has been creating the peptides, the cocktails that are a literal chemical that’s gone through your blood system, your cells have been absorbing it. And those big hits of those chemicals are highly addictive. Every time your cells have been splitting, they’ve been doubling the receptors to get exactly that same peptide that your body is used to dispensing and absorbing.
Peptides are things like – think strong, emotional reaction. Things like betrayal, devastation, victimization, despair, hurt. They’re big peptide cocktails. And the more you get them, the more your body’s got hooked on them.
And then what happens is when the narcissist is away from you, you get the separation and the cells of your body are saying, “Where’s my drug? Where’s that hit of devastation?”
People who are hardened hard drug addicts have told me getting off a narcissist is 10 times harder than getting off heroin. If any of you have been through this, and you know what I’m talking about as addicts, please share in the comments below, because this is so true.
You’re in for a tough time and it’s better to know that because aftershock shocks a lot of people. And it’s a precarious time where you will often go back and your brain will give you every excuse to pick up the phone or send a text. And if they get a message through to you, you let them see you – it feels like love, it feels like I can’t live without this person, it feels like I’m going mental – but it’s actually a physiological chemical addiction in your body.
Now on top of all of that, there’s all the shenanigans of a narcissist because if there’s any narcissistic supply to be had, they will mess with you. And what a narcissist will do is deliver the very thing that horrifies you.
So let’s say if abandonment horrifies you, they won’t make contact. And it’s so intuitive. They’re psychic vampires. They’ve worked it out anyway. They know the weak spot. They know where to slam their weapon into, and they go for it really hard.
People say to me all the time, “What is a narcissist likely to do?” And I say to them, “What is the thing that would hurt you the most?” Would it be threatening your property? Would it be threatening you to take the kids off you? Would it be completely ignoring you? Is your susceptibility because you’ve got a lovely heart? Do they know that you’re susceptible if they come around with two dozen roses and cry and say, “Sorry”. It’ll be your gap that they’ll go for.
This is the thing, there’s that, there’s the shenanigans of the narcissist and everything they can try to put you through. It might be getting on social media and posting about their new lover that is going to freak you out and bring you back in and make you hand over attention. They know. They know and they will do the thing that they know will get rid of you for good. They won’t let you see that, even though they could be doing it. They’re very, very clever. They’re after your attention, your energy, your despair, or your undying love and attention.
What you need to do – and these are the things that are hurting and driving you crazy and make you think you’re going mental and you want accountability and you want resolution on. So how do we get through all of that?
What you do is you turn inside to heal the triggers that come up, those urges, those neediness feelings, all of it. Keep up-levelling, keep healing. And what you’ll find, it’s like you’re riding the waves. You feel like you’re going under the wave and you’re drowning and then you pop back up again. Then you go under and you pop back up again. But each time you pop back up, you’ve up-levelled into a stronger, more solid, more detached sense of self.
Because there’s two ways that you can do this – the white knuckling, peptide addicted aftershock way or you can ride the waves and grow through this.
And understand with narcissists, once you’ve pulled away and you want out, the narcissist traditionally will want to diminish you to nothing, if not literally destroy you because they need to make you out to be the broken, bad one.
They need to completely rip you down and say look, this person was so wrong in my life. It makes them look like the better one and it feeds their ego. Once you are of no use to them, or you’ve pulled away, they feel like they want to destroy you. So be very aware of that.
Now the thing is, pain is inevitable. All of this is going to hurt, it’s going to be a shock. It’s terrible, but the suffering is optional because you can heal the parts of you that they are trying to attack. And they are trying to feed off and get significance and narcissistic supply as well as all of those addictive feelings of feeling hooked in.
So, the ending, I used to read tarot years ago and I remember the death card. The death card is about you get dragged through the mud and it feels like decay and you’re dying and it takes forever. So you have a choice. The end can be the death card where it’s just horrible. It’s horrible and it drags on and it takes long, or it can be a quick, energetic severing.
That’s the tarot card. Yes, my world has smashed apart, but it’s quick. I’m enlightened, and from the rubble, I’m going to build something so much better and it can be fast. And when you get that quick energetic severing because you’re really dedicated to it, you will find the narcissist let’s go.
The biggest insult to a narcissist is you healing, you becoming empowered, you no longer handing over narcissistic supply, you no longer being scared or heartbroken, them becoming null and void and you just generating your powerful forward movement. I promise you, they fall to bits. They will even capitulate. They will even hand you over decent settlement and custody. They have to get out of the game when you take your power back, it’s way too insulting and they give up. Promise you. We see it all the time.
So there’s the choice. In the breakup, you’re either going to dissolve into the victimization and the death card and the struggle or you’re going to evolve. So this is the turning point – the breakdown or breakthrough, disintegrating or integrating.
And it’s not about time. People will say, “It’s going to take you at least five years.” That’s rubbish. This is not about time. This is about up-levelling those inner wounds and graduating beyond abuse patterns and doing the inner work. I’ve seen people pop out the other side literally in weeks, and contemporarily that’s unheard of.
Conclusion
Absolutely there are going to be some of you that you know you need to leave because things are getting so bad and you just can’t keep hanging on and going through these cycles. And maybe you’re going to get discarded and maybe you’ve been separated for a period of time and you feel like you’re going to die. I want to normalize that for you because it’s true. I went through it.
When I went through narcissist number one, I thought I was going to die. With narcissist number two, I had access to the deep inner processes that I’m going to share with you. And within three days I still had a lot to heal, but I was out of that panic and that feeling like I’m going to die and the deep despair and depression and anxiety. I was up and out of that.
There’s two ways that I can help you achieve that and the first one is my free 16 day course, which can give you all sorts of awareness, unravellings and a lot of sanity and clarity about all of this.
And if you’re ready to just dive in because you’ve had enough, you know you need to get out, and you’re ready to get the trauma out and get your soul, life and your sanity back, then I can’t recommend NARP enough because the healings in it, the Quanta Freedom Healing, up-levelling that you go through with NARP, by following the easy steps, that’s how myself and so many others shifted out of the agony and the fear very quickly into the power, clarity and courage to keep walking forward and create our true life. It’s the most powerful way I know how to do that.
I hope that this has helped support you and grant you the courage and the strength to create your best life ever in 2021. We’ve all been through so much, so I really hope that this helps.
And, as NARP members, you’ve got so much extra support from this community so that all of us can help you get there. All right. I’m looking forward to your comments and your questions below. Please remember also, too, to share this video with people who are going through the struggle and the trauma of ending with a narcissist.
Beautiful video!!
Thank you so much.
All so true.
This video says it all, you really – really know..
And because of you I know I can and I will overcome this abuse.. and I will thrive too!
I’m not compleately there yet but I now know I will be there soon.. Thanks to you Melanie.
You are wonderfull.
Thank you so much for saving me.
Hi Laura,
it’s my pleasure.
I’m very happy that I can help you!
You deserve the VERY best.
So much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Melanie. Wow! You’ve done it All in one video this time! 💗 Just a comment about trying to make them happy, it seems so wrong, you can’t anyway and you’ll only destroy yourself. The person you’re trying to appease is yourself. We shouldn’t try to make others happy anyway, that’s why I say in hindsight that it is so wrong and hooked us in so bad. We are all filled from the Inside ☺. Your video before Christmas about dedicating this time to ourselves (where you talked about your ring ceremony) helped me So much. I should add Forgiveness as well.
💗
Kondwani
Hi Kondwani,
thank you for your kind words, and I’m so pleased you are doing so well.
Mel 🙏💕💚
Because I had done the work…and the program…when the last hoover came 3 weeks after the 5th , or maybe 6th, freeze-out, fake break up and silent treatment, I was ready. Due to the Covid emerging issue, I let him be my “friend” after he frenetically and pathetically hoovered using the “emergency” clause he had spun up before 3 times because I was his health care proxy. After a few months, I started to notice the all too familiar attitude change, the distancing language and behavior, the arrogance returning, until my gut was literally screaming that “He has to go. Now. Today.” And I let him know my position, firmly, clearly, and without hesitation. Go. Stay gone. My trauma bond was so much weaker, it sniffled out after a few week, with the support of a refresher MTE trauma releasing webinar. Ten years of nonsense, being discarded, replaced and sucked back in repeatedly…and I feel nothing but sweet and free relief. I credit the webinar specifically about releasing trauma. All pain and anxiety went, fast and for good. Still gone!! Many hugs and immeasurable gratitude, Melanie. Your support gave me back my life, my sanity, and my Joi de Vivre.
Hi Sher,
I’m so happy for you and proud of you!
Thrive On!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Wow this insight ties up the end of this vicious chapter
I hope this has helped Stephen,
Mel 🙏💕💚
I got sucked back in. And last night I faced the truth that I kept expecting to change. Ripped me to shreds again. I thought I was done and through and immune. Stupidity hurts.
NAB,
please don’t be so hard on yourself. So many of us went through this as well!
I would love to offer you a way to get strength, healing and your soul back – as well as shore up why you are still susceptible.
This could really help you http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
Big hugs
Mel 🙏💕💚
Yes, that recent webinar was excellent! Really powerful! Thank you, Melanie, and bless you!
So pleased it was great for you Faye.
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Melanie, well after 2 years no contact after the discard, and doing your program, went down and had coffee with friends and went shopping in my small country town, saw the ex nark shopping and I felt No emotion at all like nothing had ever happened Woo Woo, thanks again 😁
You have graduated so beautifully Col!
Way to go!!!
Mel 🙏💕💚
This video came to my email today as I was in the middle of a panic episode. I was horrifically discarded by my exnarc of 9 years and recently met narc #2 a month ago. I thought he was going to be my savior and he swept me off my feet, I fell in love with him so hard as I’ve been so desperate and lonely since there’s been no more chaos from narc #1. He suddenly and cruelly discarded me and blocked me today after accusing me of contacting another woman in his life on social media.. which I did NOT do. I’ve been crying and begging all day to no avail. I’m so depressed and yearning for peace.. I can’t believe I didn’t learn my lesson from the hell I JUST went through
Hi Diamond,
big hugs to you.
It is a terrible panic when your deep primal inner wounds are triggered.
I would love to help you get some peace, clarity and your soul back.
Deep breathes and when you can please join me in my free 3 Keys to Healing From N-Abuse Webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
I hope that this can help
Mel 🙏💕💚
I have to go back to when I was a little girl to truly feel who I was before this type of experience. There is an innocence lost when you are violated spiritually by someone that you love and trust. I can most compare it to a naive soldier going off to war and coming back having seen and experienced too much. The trauma changes who you are and how you exist in life. And all you long for is real love, a feeling of home and safety. You want to get back to the person that you were before it all happened.🌅
Hi Chantal,
I promise you that releasing the trauma returns you home to your very best self – your True Self – organically and powerfully.
Have you thought about NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp ?
It is the most effective way I know how to achieve that!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Chantal,
Believe Melanie.
She is not here giving people information.
She is healing for real on a quantum level. That means we’re healed from this time BACK not forward. You get restored to your true original self that was always pure. You come out better, cleaner, and more bright than you can even imagine.
You will thank God for the pain that got you to a New Life that you couldn’t have dreamt in your deepest slumber.
There is a way. Melanie is a gifted healer. This forum is not for education in the traditional sense but for Education in the original sense: to bring forth from within the understanding that is already within.
Thanks Melanie for the information.
My narcissistic husband keeps coming back to me and me contacting him again and again because I lack money for upkeep.
I pray hard that if I can get what to eat.
I would never see his face again.
During this Christmas season he hit me with blow on my face. But because I have to keep begging him for upkeep,
I had no option but go through the trauma again.
I am requesting that if I can get some well wisher to provide for me a plate of food it would push me for a while.
Thanks for the guidance and support members and I wish you the best of 2021.
Hi Patience,
sending you healing and power in 2021 to get through this and into your own generation.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Patience as a capacity (and also the name that you go by) . . . is the expression or application of one’s power in a conscious, consistent, wise and faithful way, instead of applying one’s power without presence, focus or intent. In this case, you would be applying Patience (the name you identify yourself by) on your own behalf, for yourself, “to generate yourself”, as Melanie puts it in her reply to you. One other thing is that you, I and anyone has to make themselves see the constant value in this coming from within oneself. To come up with that within oneself as something that you can feel and can do, and to see yourself actually doing it. And, by feeling it as you are doing it, seeing that you can actually to it and get good at it. Patience is the committed action of power.
Still going thru it but have no contact for 2 months would have been longer but she contacted my folks and i happened to be there and they handed the phone to.me not realizing or knowing what went on.one step in front of the other and i will.have a great day today and everyday
My husband of 23 years and partner of 25 years walked out on me in a rage five years ago; we’ve now been divorced for four years. Not only did he leave in the middle of a health crisis with our then 19 y.o. son (which continues to this day and has involved two recent major neurosurgeries), he alienated our then 21 y.o. son from me. My now ex-husband is without a doubt a narcissist, yet he never hoovered me. Why is that?
Could it be because you’re fortunate? That you can “run with it” joyously and put that space and time before you to good use, perhaps rather than sort of seeming to question whether you’re really not worthless enough to be pursued by a proven abuser after all? And why would I, a “complete stranger” (not really, if you read my comments), feel spirited to hand it to you as fortune?
After seeing Melanie’s much more empathetic and contactfull response to your post, I feel I should apologize for the lack of it in my reply to it, above. Pls excuse my roughness in comparison. And I hope that my excited intent to cheer you on does come through to some degree.
Hi Lois,
thank you for this question and I’m happy to answer it.
Narcissists can simply discard. It has happened to many people, as the final discard.
It can be done because 1) they know it is the thing that hurts the most, 2) there is absolutely nothing to gain from you anymore (you have been completely emptied out) or 3) you have become so detached, clear and OVER the narcissist that they know there is no hope that they can get narcissistic supply from you anymore.
I hope that this answers your question.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
I finally left the N two days ago after almost 5 years. I had my family come help move me out so that I was able to actually get out and leave for good this time. I feel relieved but still on edge- the crazy making has made me crazy and makes me question my sanity at times, even though I know I needed to leave and did the right thing. Thanks for your help and your words.
Hi AB,
My heart goes out to you in this precarious and painful time.
Please know you have done so well, its incredibly brave to leave and it’s wonderful that you have your family’s support.
I would love to help support you as well with my free webinar which will help you get clarity, relief and your soul and mind back much faster than just “organically”.
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
I hope that this helps.
Mel 🙏💕💚
This is one of your “wide” rivers of casualty experience to be processed, or to even process-with as I read or view. Many more personal aspects and insights to process arise alongside the more universal items you call out and propose. Therefore you can raft on it long and rough and even reach some unexpectedly clear, still and swirling inlets for truthful release and reflection. Very opportune for catalytic, gently over-turning rapids, so thank you for the refreshing chance. For me, it is conducive for a “back-and-forth” follow-through with my victim roles (which always have a hidden inner narcissist driving them), alongside a parallel follow-through of my abusive narcissist roles, (which always have a hidden inner victim driving them). This foursome reveals the merry square dances of errors with partners in the past. Admission to this is evoked for me in this “episode”. But more importantly, the blithe rationales behind the dance’s insanity. And most salient: the victim does not persist in its drama without its hidden narcissistic tether, and the narcissist does not persist in its drama without its hidden victim tether. Eventually, what a relief to not just suffer all it unconsciously, to see and feel and finally release enough of it to accept the emergent replacements of sensate light and the streams of inaudible sensate music.
Hi Melanie great video and so very true I’m still recovering after nearly 5 years of brake up and it’s horrible I was discarded 5 times in 4 years I didn’t see or here of my ex or children for 18months up on till 4 months ago and I see my kids on a weekly basis now and it’s brilliant but my ex is been very civil towards me lately and I find it very odd but the truth is I just can’t get over her and still love her even after nearly 5 years she is like a drug and I’m addicted I find it realy hard to let her go it makes it even harder cos we have kids together I just don’t understand why she is so nice to me lately.
Hi Sean,
Thank you!
I’d love to help you deal with those feelings of still being hooked. First of all please know it is such a common part of being narcissistically abused.
Please come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar so that I can show you how you can shed this and truly go free – powerfully.
I hope that this helps
Mel 🙏💕💚
Struggling. Determined to heal. Cannot believe someone as educated as me put up with this for over seven years. The silent treatments, the devalue, the horrible cycle that had/has me a nervous wreck. To see how he enjoyed my distress. To see how it gave him a high. The purposeful not looking at me at dinner, making me feel like I am an eyesore. The last time I had a conversation was 10/29/20 after a week of the silent treatment because I told him he had to find a way to stop this ongoing emotional manipulation. On the 29th, I told him I am not getting my needs met. Also questioned him regarding an “absence” He immediately raged at me saying “You’re questioning me???? As if I were a dog. Then he rages again saying I opened up that can of worms, and the relationship is fu#ked up and not a good one. He abruptly hung up on me. About five days of another silent treatment, and me just being an anxious, nervous wreck, I then unfriended him and his family. I feel just terrible about his family I unfriended. I feel like the bad guy?????? He continues to hoover hard via letters, emails, begging to talk to me. I am going through Hell, all the “incidents” over the years popping in my head incessantly. I am seeing a great therapist, and am delving deeper into my faith and spirituality. I am having such a hard time wrapping my arms around how someone can be so evil. Evil. Yet, everyone thinks he is such a great guy!!! I feel like a fool. All the great things I did for him, being loyal, faithful, being a great companion. He didn’t care. One thing he LOVED to do was tell me he needed to fall in love, and he couldn’t do that as long as he is with me. Last time he did that was Christmas 2019. Yet, I stayed. He would just be so gleeful if he could see my distress. Who does that???? I feel so defeated, worthless, and ugly. I KNOW he is disordered, and he CANNOT love nor be intimate. That knowledge doesn’t make it any easier. I just want this pain to go away.
Hi Beth, I am very sorry to hear you are struggling. I identify with everything you are saying. Eventhough you are a good person and did not deserve this, Melanie says that we have earlier unhealed wounds that are attracting these kind of narcissistic people to bring our attention to these wounds. Have you considered doing a free webinar with Melanie or enrolling in the NARP program to heal and have a great life. I feel exactly the way you do at the moment. I just joined NARP to get out of this horrible horrible way that I feel right now after having been discarded by a narcissistic partner I supported and loved for 31 years! Hugs
Hi Beth,
Big hugs, please know that it is really common for those of us who are intelligent people to get hooked into narcissists.
I really want to reach out to you and allow you to look into NARP http://www.melanietoniaeveans.com
It is the most powerful way I know of to get your mind, heart, soul and life back.
So much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Melanie, this is a truly valuable episode, and as always I really appreciate watching your videos and reading the transcripts.
Both parties to a relationship need to do the inner healing work. If one of them denies their wounds, and blames the other entirely, there is no basis for a healthy relationship. My relationship ended in May last year, and she has blamed me “for ruining everything”. In reality, I think there was mutual dependency, with some narcissistic traits and insecurities in both of us. I honestly believe that assigning all the blame to one or the other is over-simplifying what so often goes on in codependent relationships based on insecure attachment, with narcissism being an extreme manifestation of that dependency, because it is an attempt to compensate for the inner void by sucking energy and ‘supply’ out of the other.
It is too easy to say ‘Oh she (or he) is a narcissist, I am well out of it’ and bask in the glow of our own self-righteousness and hurt. What needs to be recognized is that insecurities and dependency in both partners breed a toxic relationship. I feel compassion for both the insecure wounded person in her and for the immature, approval-seeking and over-dutiful puppy that I was in the relationship. The only path is inner healing, repeating your ever-valuable affirmation, “so within, so without”.
Wishing you the best for 2021. Thank you again for all you give.
Hi Richard,
That’s great that this resonated with you!
I completely agree with your post.
At the end of the day, all we can do is turn inwards to heal and grant others the space to do so if they wish, and live aligned with our values and truths in compassion and the spirit of love.
Much love to you and wishing you a brilliant 2021 as well!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi I am glad you addressed the ” both parties” theory, right on!
Hi Melaine,
Wow! This video felt like you were describing in exact detail what happened in my relationship, day by day! I felt so happy when you described what can happen when I healed, because it is what I have been doing since the day I was told about your program/blog. I genuinely feel that you have been my savior. The healing, peace and strength I have achieved through your videos is amazing.
Thank you so much.
Happy New Year
Hi Peggy,
I am so happy that you are on your way to the liberation of YOU!
Please know how welcome you are,
Much Love
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Melanie, I have been using your healing modules now for a while and they have helped me so much come into my own power. I am still living with the Narcisist and plan on leaving. He has, since I started healing, and him knowing that I am more than ready to leave him, has been so careful to avoid pushing my buttons. It has been actually fun to watch because I can see how hard it is for him!!! He is doing everything in his power to have me not leave. He doesn’t want to be left alone. My plan is to move back to where my Son and Grandkids are by June and where I spent 30 years of my life. He thinks he is coming with me and not accepting that I don’t want him there with me. He goes on pretending that everything is fine with us, get’s cuddly (ususally right after a fight). I find it all really amusing but I still find my “self” insecurities creeping in and that’s when I work one of the Module’s. Like you said, it’s a roller coaster ride.
I can’t tell you how much your program has really helped me. I have been surrounded since childhood by Narcisists. I didn’t really know until the Summer of 2019 that that was what I have been trying to figure out and heal for 67 years.
I know that it is not going to be easy. Recently he pushed a button of mine about something I really care about and he knows it and I had to go really deep and heal. Unfortunately I reacted which fed him nicely (:. I actually found a trigger though from my childhood and worked releasing. That gut renching fear from them.
There is so much more going on with this relationship above and beyond a norlmal relationship. We are Twin Flames and have been together in past lives. When I saw your video on your X being your Twin Flame and how you had to become your own “Twin Flame”, that hit me like a brick and I fully understood. I am working to become fully into my own power. He’s a healer also and so am I. He’s an amazing speaker and writer and really know’s how to use anything I may have said or done against me. And of course, I am the Narcisist, not him. I am the one who “It’s all about me”. Every time it comes up, I’m the sick one.
I am looking forward some day to writing a book on my Life experiences and will include my journey with Narcisists. It has been an amazing journey and I know when I leave this relationship, my life will blossom, for I will truly be able to be me. I still have some amazing journey’s ahead of me. Much Love Melanie for ALL you do for ALL of us.
Hi Sue,
That’s wonderful that NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp has helped you so much!
You are an inspiration for taking a stand for your soul!
100% there is a spiritual beautiful mission that you are on and I love that you are ready for this!
So much love to you Sue and thank you for your lovely words!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi, Melanie! You have helped me so much, and everything you publish seems to come at the perfect moment. Thank you times infinity! I’ve reached a point where I no longer am able to date narcissists–I dated several over the past few months after a long hiatus from dating and, thanks to you, I guess I’ve released too much trauma and both consciously and subconsciously I can’t use them to distract myself from the work that needs to be done in my life. Oddly enough, this has left me full of rage. I’m constantly looking for a new distraction and I’m worried that I will spiral into other self-defeating behaviours. I’ve watched all your videos 100+ times. I still have not found my life’s purpose, or at least how to carry it out (I love animals) and I’m feeling absolutely lost. I’ve also noticed my attitude turning ugly at work (I work for a family of narcissists). Any suggestions? Thank you again!!!
Hi e,
I’m thrilled I can help!
Okay, I can help you so much more by introducing you to my inner transformation work which will help you reprogram with NARP, and get a true solution for what you are feeling and going through.
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
This will help you heal way beyond my videos.
If you are working with Gold NARP already please come into the NARP Member’s Forum where we can help you get the breakthroughs that you need now – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
I so hope this can help!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Less is best when being stalked by a narcissist. Facts piss them off.