Melanie Tonia Evans

What A Narcissist Does At The End Of The Relationship

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 20
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans


Breaking up with a narcissist can be one of the most devastating and traumatising times of your life.

So in today’s article, I want to explain to you what a narcissist does at the end of the relationship – and how that can affect you.

I really want you to be armed with this information so that you know how to emotionally and practically survive this difficult time.

Sense of Entitlement and Lack of Compassion or Consideration

What a narcissist does at the end of a relationship exposes their true colours – being a self-absorbed and entitled person who lacks empathy.

How does this translate in real terms?

You will be shocked at how this person will throw you metaphorically under a bus. They are not at all concerned about your welfare; how you will get through the breakup; or how you will move forward in the future.

If you haven’t already realised it, the narcissist’s thinking is: ‘It’s every person for themselves’. No-one is able to play that philosophy dirtier than a narcissist.

This ability comes with lacking a conscience and having the pathological entitlement to take whatever is not nailed down, literally.

When breaking up, so many people are shocked at how the split happened. Things like not being able to get back into their own home; how their possessions are taken away or hidden; how money goes missing from bank accounts; and the terrible lies that are spread about them to all and sundry.

These are things that normal humans, with a sense of humanity, just can’t do.

And they happen regardless of whether you are the one ending the relationship or the narcissist has discarded you.

To be forewarned is to be forearmed. If you suspect the end is coming with a narcissist, take the following necessary steps to protect yourself.

Leave when the narcissist is not around – take what is yours while you can still get at it. If you are leaving the house, know that you probably won’t be able to get back in – even if the house is in your name. So many people, myself included, were devastated to discover that the police just threw their hands up and said, ‘You need to see a solicitor because this is a civil manner.’

Many a narcissist knows this because it is not the first time they have played these games.

Seek legal advice as to where you stand in regard to your property, start creating your own bank account, and see a solicitor in private. Also, most importantly, don’t let people close to the narcissist in on your plans.

I’d like to grant you the link to this blog so that you have lots of resources to help you plan how to leave safely and healthily – Is there a right way to leave a narcissist?


Why the Narcissist Wants to Punish You

According to the narcissist, you are now a devalued, awful and horrible human being. This perception is regardless of whether you have left them or they have thrown you away (because you are too hard to extract supply from now, there is no more to take from you, or a more abundant source has turned up).

To a standard narcissist, life is either ‘black’ or ‘white’. You are either wonderful (supplying brilliant, idealised narcissistic supply), or you are a piece of dirt (you serve no purpose to them anymore) who needs to be discarded and treated like a piece of dirt.

(Some narcissists may be able to apply some shades of grey – but not many.)

It will be likely that you are classified and treated by the narcissist as a piece of dirt – and it doesn’t even matter whether you have had a life, family or allegiances with this person for the last 30 years or just months.

Narcissists will usually go after the money, property, businesses, pets and even the children. They know that the things and Beings that matter to you is where they can hurt you the most.

However, because narcissists have a disastrously unstable inner identity, all this nasty behaviour can change. Abhorring you can switch to adoring you on the turn of a dime.

This change often happens when the narcissist is low on narcissistic supply. But also it can happen when he or she has conjured up some sort of agenda to suck you back in to get your trust, before extracting something more from you and then pulling the rug out for under you again. This is known as hoovering, and it is a common and very serious threat when splitting up with a narcissist.

Of course, if you fall for it, as many of us have, you will only be brutalised further.


Switching the Truth of the Ending

Narcissists are great at conjuring their version of reality. If you leave a narcissist, they will tell you they were going to break up with you anyway. And to preserve their ego, they will tell other people they left you – that is unless there is wonderful narcissistic supply for them to glean as a result of telling people how horribly you left them. Generally, however, it is only the more covert-victim-type narcissist who plays this out.


Showing Off the New Supply

Narcissists are incredibly childish when it comes to new relationships. They idealise this person as the new source of narcissistic supply. In reality, however, this means the narcissist’s newest drug to take away the pain of the inner screaming demons.

There is one thing for certain – when a relationship ends, the narcissist starts scouting for a new source without delay. In fact, if they are the one who ended the relationship, they are likely to have been grooming someone even before the end came. It’s even common for narcissists to get engaged and married very quickly afterwards.

Usually, this new person is introduced to people immediately – even the narcissist’s children (who may have endured partner after partner) – and taken to major social events with friends, family and colleagues.

By comparison, normal, healthy adults usually take their time to get to know someone before introducing them to family and friends. They have more consideration for everyone concerned, including their new partner and themselves.

It’s also common for the narcissist to display photos on social media of how ‘loved up’ they are. ‘Instant relationship’ is the narcissist’s motto.

Narcissists can even be so cruel as to contact you and tell you how wonderful this new person in their life is. Who does that? Only someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder could have such a lack of empathy.

What is this about? I have no doubt, in some cases, it is to punish the ex-partner. Or maybe it is to prove to the world ‘I am a great partner no matter what he or she says’. And, of course, it is because a narcissist without narcissistic supply has to be alone with their own self-annihilating critic – which is their worse possible nightmare.

Naturally, the trauma from being replaced with ‘new supply’ is devastating for you. It’s one of the worst things anyone can experience. It is usual for people, who have been narcissistically abused, to be no-where near starting another relationship. Before Thriver Healing, some people have been sworn off relationships for decades, as a result of the trauma that impacted them so badly.


Being Discarded Like You Don’t Exist

This can be as painful as being replaced.

But, before I get into the details, I just want to make one thing VERY clear. If you have gone No Contact with a narcissist (discarded and turned your back on them) because of abuse, pathological lies, adultery (and the list goes on), you have NOTHING to feel guilty about.

You know how you tried to converse, reason and deal with this person to NO avail – and truly you were never going to be able to reclaim your soul and your life unless you made this move.

There is a huge difference between someone who goes No Contact for these reasons and how a narcissist does it. With a narcissist it is often a brutal act as a result of, for example, them being caught out doing something horrific or as a response to you trying to assert boundaries and rights.

What marks a narcissist’s behaviour compared to yours is that there is no trying to reason, work with facts or be accountable for anything – it is just ‘switch and ditch’ – and of course it leaves you reeling.


How YOU Can Rise Like the Phoenix Out of the Ashes

Now let’s get very clear about something.

I’m passionate about YOU healing. And for that reason, I don’t want you to use this article as a ‘sharing of war stories’ about what happened at the end of your relationship. That is NOT my purpose.

This article, as all of mine are, is about healing towards true solutions rather than staying mired in the trauma. Moving forwards and away from narcissists can only happen by investigating and healing the screaming traumas that have been ignited within you.

This is the thing… All of us in narcissistic relationships were treading water. We were walking on broken glass, suffering unresolvable issues that just would not stop. We were constantly trying to survive our life with another person, who simply did not have the resources to be a sane and healthy partner.

This is what I know about your soul’s mission to evolve – if you are living in a Life that does not represent your True Self and True Life, then the heat gets turned up until you get booted out of it. It is irrelevant whether you chose to leave or were left. You were NOT living life as Who You Really Are.

After the end of your relationship, the recovery work is about confronting the things within you that HURT that are triggered off in order to cross your threshold into your True Self and True Life.

When you start Thriver Healing and go inside and start releasing your traumas and False Beliefs, you will find all sorts of survival fears, such as abandonment terrors and false beliefs that were causing you to try to seek your wholeness, love, and approval from another source.

How you find these, is simply by going to ‘what hurts’ inside you when the relationship ends; all of the heartbreak, fear, panic and associated traumas that have been activated.

It truly is a complete illusion, that by focusing on the narcissist and what they are or aren’t doing, that your salvation comes. It doesn’t; it’s only created by going inside yourself and doing the work there.

I promise you, with all of my heart, that the end of your narcissistic relationship is where your True Self and Life can finally begin.

And I want to hold your hand and help you get to exactly where I am now – thriving, self-generating, completely able to forge my own life regardless of what specific people are or aren’t doing – and living the joy of having Life itself back me up and support me endlessly.

This is what Thrivers experience and I KNOW it is what awaits you too.

Please join me in my 16 Day free Recovery Course, where you will learn exactly what is deeply going on, how to get your power back and defeat the narcissist’s attempts to hurt and confuse you.


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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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72 Thoughts on What A Narcissist Does At The End Of The Relationship
    July 4, 2019

    Thanks for another great article Melanie. Today is exactly 5 years since I left my narc and am still on the no contact buzz. There is no more guilt, fear or feelings of longing. I am not sure if I would have been able to do it without NARP.


    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 4, 2019

      Hi Quinton,

      Its lovely to hear from you and I’m so happy
      NARP has helped so much, and that you are doing so well!

      Many continued blessings to you

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

        July 4, 2019

        It has been just over a year and a half since you came into my life, Mel. All just keeps getting better. What I find particularly interesting is that other people who suffer from narcissistic abuse are appearing in my life. I head them right to you. At the same time, my circle of friends has morphed into a much healthier group. Some of my old friends have fallen away. I have accepted the changes as part of my personal emergence from the life long abuse I suffered from my narc father. True to form, I repeated my inner brokenness with two long term failed relationships with narcs. Now I can honestly say, never again because of the wellness tools you’ve provided.
        It’s never too late to claim happiness. I am 68 years young. Thank you, Mel.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          July 5, 2019

          Hi Elaine,

          It’s my pleasure….I adore your energy and your growth!

          What a beautiful.Thriving message Dear Lady.

          I am so proud of you!

          So much love to you.

          Mel 🙏💕♥️

            Lost and confused
            July 16, 2019


            I believe I have been discarded for the past 6 weeks when i threw my ex out of the house and instead he says he left me because of my mouth, rules, accusations.
            He wasnphysically, verbally and emotionally abusive cheated, lied, and constantly nitpicked me. At the end when i threw him out he had a car accident and got multiple violations and turned and blamed me for them. I read through all these stories and sometimes question whenthe rim the narcissist or he. I am very hurt angry and asked him to return home but he blames me and said hes done with me cause i threw him out like a dog. I told him.i reacted to the way you were treating me but still he takes no accountability. I have a 1 year old with him and am dying inside and dont understand why he wont return home to his family and discuss these things with me. My child needs a father not a visitor for 5 min every month. Everyday i feel more and more dead inside and push just so I can raise my child.

        July 12, 2019

        Hi Mel,
        Could you please let me know how I can email you directly. I am going through a harrowing experience, no one will listen including the police. I am not ready to share my experience on the NARP forum. Need some support as family and now friends are distancing themselves to. Not sure what to do.
        Warm regards, Lid

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          July 13, 2019

          Hi Lid,

          You can contact the support team who are very skilled to help at

          I hope this helps.

          Mel 🙏💕♥️

            August 23, 2019

            Lid- TRUST THE SUPPORT TEAM! I was in dire straits when I discovered Mel and Carol from the support team was THERE 100%! There’s not enough hours in the day for Mel to get to everyone but her support team is TOP NOTCH and your healing will begin immediately with their guidance. TRUST THE PROCESS👍🏼

          July 15, 2019

          Hi I’m Diane I’m in exactly the same place as you 12 years been separated 26 months it’s horrendous anxiety all through the night xx

          Lost and confused
          July 16, 2019

          Can we talk would love the support.

      July 18, 2019

      Melanie your advise and information allowed me to finally give him a title. Your summaries were spot on with the behaviour of a narc and I felt such a sense of relief to finally know what I was up against.
      Your workings saved me literally. I left him, and went no contact. Married 2.5 years and still having to deal with a divorce for 5 years with the narc. Talk about
      Narcistic Supply! You would have thought he would of backed off by now.
      Thank you for all you do for those of us you have opened our eyes and discovered ourselves and our ability to be free!

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        July 18, 2019

        Hi Janet,

        I’m so pleased I could help and you were able to end the relationship.

        I wish you empowered relief up and out of all remnants of this.

        Much love and power to you.

        Mel 🙏💕♥️

    John F Walter
    July 4, 2019

    Just a great article, Melanie. Your work has helped me so much over the years. At last I am in a truly loving relationship with a healthy spiritually engaged person. Your Thriving philosophy was one of the beacons for me while I was overcoming trauma and a twenty year marriage I stayed in for the wrong reasons.

    Becky Jones
    July 4, 2019

    I have been working on myself for 5 years because of the excruciating pain of loving my ex narcissistic spouse and the addiction of knowing nothing else for 27 years. But I could not find a way no matter how much I prayed, read, or no contact, there were still aces to talk to him. I want to be rid of all pain, forget my past that included him and the awful way I was treated by him. The horrible truth of realizing I was never loved and used and thrown away, abandoned, left with very little and humiliated. Even losing people that said they were my friends that. left with no warning. There has not been any remorse on his part, no I’m sorry, nothing, like a dirty rag thrown away. I am 68 years old and was devastated to the point death looked inviting. The awful thing is my vulnerability and codependentcy growing up , I did it twice with him. My only son hurt as well. I am very grateful that you are willing to help us that want to get better, whole and really live. I hope I can understand everything in this information and follow it to complete release. I have dyslexia and cognitive problems from birth but be assured I want to overcome and be at peace, walking into the happiest years of my life. Thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 4, 2019

      Hi Becky,

      I really want you to know that this struggle you have felt to be resolved and emotionally free is not your fault.

      It truly is the common struggle that we all went through, until we went inside to understand the inner transformational healing process, where there is real answers, relief and healing.

      Plesse check out and sign onto my free 16 day course, because it will get you on the right path and in the right healing direction.

      Much love to you.

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

      July 8, 2019

      Your story mirrors mine. I’m 46 and have been with my soon to be ex husband 30 years. We have been married for 25 years. I realized I have been married to a monster who never loved me as a person. I am now being discarded. So far all what you said was me and the painful life I endured with this evil person. Ive had my first therapy session and Praying I gain the strength I need for myself and children.

    July 4, 2019

    Thank you so much Mel!! 8 years ago my ex left while I was at work one day without even a glance backwards (I had no idea) to his new supply and yes married her within 4 weeks of divorcing me. I was shattered beyond words and into a million pieces. I didnt think I would survive. Everything you say in this article is spot on!! They turn into an unrecognisable person. Then I found you. Now 8 years later, after digging deep inside, NARP, some amazing friends, beautiful incredible kids, Im happier now than I ever have been. Single, building my own house, travelling, riding my horse. Life is so good! Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 4, 2019

      Hi Jodi,

      It’s my pleasure.

      Awwww I’m so so happy for you sweetheart.

      Your evolution and breakthroughs are beautifully deserved.

      Much love to you

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

    July 4, 2019

    Melanie, I would like to thank you for your work with this. In all of your episodes and articles you are always encouraging us to go within. I appreciate that you keep saying that, because sometimes I do forget that. My being a member of NARP Has been a very important ingredient as I begin to rise again. Thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 4, 2019

      Hi MaryAnn,

      Thank you and please know how welcome you are.

      We can forget, for sure! I’m glad this helps remind you!

      Hugs and love to you.

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

    Tina Valdez
    July 4, 2019

    Thank you for your support. I needed that information right at this moment. I’m still trying to heal from the narcissist abuse I’ve been through. It’s been a tough one and very hard to accept all the pain and suffering I’ve dealt with. I know I’m not the only one now. I need to stay strong and keep moving forward.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 4, 2019

      Hi Tina,

      I’m so pleased this has helping.

      Sending you strength and healing.

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

      Marion Rankin
      July 7, 2019

      Hi Melanie , I’ve been reading all your posts from last October didn’t even know what a narcissist was , I feel very low not much confidence although I try to carry on as I have a grandson who I have to be strong for and my kids also , I would love to go through Quantum healing as I need it to carry on with my life I feel stuck , every day can be a struggle , and I want to put it all behind me now I was with my partner for 28 years and, through reading your post it has really opened my eyes and I can also relate to everything that you say , I feel as if I’m still in shock with it all although I put a face on for the outside world but deep down I don’t want to see anyone which is really horrible , I need help big time , I thank you from the bottom of my heart from making me opening my eyes up .


      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        July 7, 2019

        Hi Marion,

        My heart goes out to you and please know after such significant trauma it is so experience what you are going through.

        The Quanta Freedom Healing modules in NARP do make an inredible difference in allowing you to release trauma and bring your superconscious True Self in to activate incredible healing

        It is such a powerful solution to get well

        Sending you love, healing and hope.

        Mel 🙏💕♥️

    July 4, 2019

    Dearest Mel, just an absolutely brilliant article. Just telling it as it truly is. I lived a fair bit of it and I’m proud to say now looking back , it was an absolutely pivotal breakthrough time for me, the best thing that could have ever happened to me. So wonderful to read all the comments above from others saying the same. Much love and support to anyone still going through the pain and trauma, please trust that everything is working out for your highest good . Love and blessings coming your way Melanie , and to all here 🌷❤️🙏🌟

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 4, 2019

      Hi Val,

      Thank you hun … as always.

      Very grateful for your love to me and all.

      And right back at you.

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

        November 2, 2019

        Hi Melanie,
        Your articles have really helped me this last year after being discarded for the second time by my narcissist husband after 33 years. The first time was 25 years ago but I took him back after being hoovered when the new supply ‘failed’. I have an amazing stepdaughter born during our time apart back then – so everything happens for a reason. This time I’m in a different place. Determined to heal and break free forever. My kids are grown, I will have enough money from the settlement, I have a great support network of family and friends (including my lovely stepdaughter!) once again he has discarded me for one of my ‘friends’ and laid all the ‘blame’ at my door. I didn’t even realise he is a narcissist until this happened! His behaviour has been classic and I can see all the red flags now from way back. Right from the way he discarded the fiancée he had before me! It’s been a roller coaster of emotions, pain and learning. I am still a little scared at being 60 and on my own, but there are times of joy now and the trauma bond is loosening. Thankyou for all your wisdom and the words of support given to all of us out here.

    July 4, 2019

    So spot on , everything you say is the truth about breaking up with a narcissist. I was with my X for 19 years. He had been telling me he suffered from depression, couldn’t cope with family life , needed space etc. He had been living a double life and his new girlfriend contacted me , he was very ashamed , not of leading this life but of being caught, it didn’t live upto the image he had forged for himself of being the honest healthy caring partner. All of the previous snapshots I had stored in my brain and body of things, issues , events, conversations that didn’t make sense during the relationship suddenly became clear. He was a liar and a cheat and went to any lenghts to cover it up. Mainly by putting me down , he was right I was wrong. He had been like this the whole time but I just had not seen it , I felt it though , it was in my body and didn’t make sense to me .I did not have the tools to read it, I had disconnected from myself. I never in a million years thought he would do the same to our daughter but he walked out on her too. Its 10 years later and I didnt think I would be where I am today , my confidence has gone way up , I have survived despite knowing that my best friend did this to us and I did too by accepting behaviour that I knew was not good for me. I am really positive about the future I have financially come back up and now I trust myself as being much more clever than I ever saw myself being. Going inwards is right Melanie and every single issue that you have written on has explained the madness we were living. Once you see these things and it was only him leaving that brought this to light and going no contact. Its so painful to have to acknowledge that your relationship didn’t mean anything to the other person. I haven’t been able to acknowledge the need in me for a relationship with someone else but I would like this to happen as I did like to be in one , that is my next venture as I feel I am now ready to share my life with another person. Thank you for explaining and shining the light right back at me. Keep doing what you are doing because nobody else is. It is such a traumatic experience and at the time I didn’t believe I would ever get to where I am now. Thank you Melanie.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 5, 2019

      Hi Mary

      You are very welcome, and I’m so happy for you that you have got to the other side.

      Sending continued blessings to you

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

    Laura G
    July 4, 2019

    In December 2017 I had an interview via Skype for a job I applied in another country. I was interviewed and I wasn’t offered the job but somehow the person who interviewed me and I started chatting via whatsapp. We were talking quite a lot. After a couple of days, I asked if he was married by any chance to what he said yes. I thought to stop there and then but he went onto say that he wasn’t happy in the marriage, that he felt he had married that person in order to not stay alone and that he didn’t want to spend the next 30 years of his life like this. Married 25 years and 3 children. (10 years back he had moved in with another woman and after 2 months he returned home because of the children). He told me he was falling in love with me, that his heart was mine, that he wanted to live with me, be a couple and that he was serious about me. We continued talking.

    Coincidentally, at that same time I was offered another job I had applied for in that same country where he lives and where he is from and I took it. This job was in a city 300 kms away from where he is. He told me things such as – “being without you is not an option”, “You are a replacement to my current relationship” and so on. I really believed what he told me. Thing is that after about 2 months he came to visit me one day and told me out of the blue that he was not leaving his family and was staying. Somehow, we continued talking but during the 8 months I was living there he came to see me a total of 5 times for about 12 hours each time. Many times, he wouldn’t reply to my messages on whatsapp, another time I was talking to him and told him that he didn’t seem to have the initiative to call and that I was feeling things had changed. He hung up on me while we were talking and told me he wasn’t wasting his Sunday listening to things like this. He refused to answer my messages for hours on end and never apologised. Then he went onto say that he didn’t do that to people, i.e. hanging up. There were many times I would see him online on messenger and whatsapp but he always denied talking to others. Even at the start I remember twice when he said he was going to sleep at 11 PM and then I would see him online at 1 AM. He would never ask me how my weekends were or what I did despite knowing I was alone in a foreign country and knew no one. One weekend I was sick and he wouldn’t even ask how I was. He said we were not living together and therefore he didn’t have to ask and that he wasn’t my babysitter. If I had a toothache he wouldn’t ask and he would say he is not like that. He always would say he likes me a lot but when I asked what he liked he would say – I will tell you one day or I’d rather tell you what I don’t like because I will finish quicker. Another day I told him I like him and what I liked and when I asked back he said I had described it very well and that he would use exactly my same words.

    I stayed there for 8 months and decided to go back to my country and leave everything in November 2018. He told me he was convinced we would see each other again and I didn’t really understand how since I was going back home in a different country. After one month, in December 2018, while we were talking one day he told me that the person who was working at his company, which was the position he initially interviewed me for, was leaving and if I was interested in the job. I didn’t have a job at the time and I said yes so this time at the beginning of January 2019 I moved to the city he lives in and where he works to work with him. I must say that he didn’t promise a relationship but he never told me there would be nothing between us. In fact, I came back and there was something going on between us including sex. He always would say he was staying with his family and that this would stay that way. For 2 months he was nice to me although he barely saw me – just maybe once every two weeks. In the office he flirted with me when people were not around and he looked happy to have me here. We went twice for dinner and the last time he said we could go somewhere the next time. And I travelled back home for a week to get stuff from there and he told me “please, come back”. I asked why he offered me the job and he said that it was better to have me here than back where I lived in my country.

    He was with me last time on the 11th of March – sex included. The next day I asked if we could have dinner sometime and he started to be really angry saying we couldn’t have dinner every second day!!! – we had had dinner twice in 3 months. He was talking to me in such an angry state to the point he told me to get off the car and that he was leaving with me or without me in it. I was shaking, in shock not knowing what I had done wrong. The times he would visit me he would spend 1 hour at the most, had sex and soon later out of the door. I felt bad, really bad but kept going.

    Out of the blue a few days later after being together and after spending the whole weekend without answering a single message I sent, he tells me he has a crisis at home and that he has to deal with it and follow a certain order but he didn’t want to share details with me. He mentioned something about drugs with his son but my intuition told me there was something else. He told me it was better to distance the situation between us and to be friends. I insisted and he ended up telling me “yes I met someone very recently and it is serious”. I asked “but you were seeing me” and he said “yes, but at a different level”. Then he goes home at 11 PM on a weekday and tells his wife about this and the next day he travels to meet the new woman. He told me the wife was very shocked. He moved out now for someone he met days ago when he had always told me he was staying at home and this was not changing.

    He refused talking to me, walked out on me every time I wanted to talk, shouted and even at the beginning when he was very nice to me one day, he told me he would like to have me in the basement and he would give me food and drink.

    Now I wonder, he always told me he would stay where he is with his family, now he meets someone a few days ago and he leaves when on top of that there are family problems with one of the sons. The other woman married with children too. I don’t know what this has been really and I am leaving this job and country. I can’t work with him anymore and this was a mistake to accept this job. He told me he would hate not to have me in this office because he likes to work with me and have me around.

    From my post you may know I am alone in the country I am in, no friends and no family.

    I gave this person the resignation letter at the end of March that I was leaving at the end of April. He confirmed it in writing, that I would leave end of April. My soul and intuition told me to leave. I could not continue working there. His presence was intoxicating.

    I did tell him I dont want to see him ever again either as a partner, friend as he proposed ( only when it suited him as he already had someone new) or as a colleague. I told him all I think of him and how he played with me and used me.

    At the beginning of April I go to work and I receive an email from him copying HR and my colleague saying I had to hand in the key today and that my services are no longer needed there although I would get paid for the month of April. I responded by email asking the reason why copying HR and stating that he had confirm my departure as of the end of April. He came to my desk angry and shouted in front of everyone to give the key and leave. I said I wanted a reason. He said he doesn’t have to give me a reason. This with the whole office listening. He switched off my computer and I said I had to close my email. He removed keyboard and mouse aggressively and told me that was the company’ s property. I told him whatever he had to tell me to do it in private. He didn’t. He continued talking to me like this in front of everyone. By the way, I continued to do my job as usual even if I informed I was leaving at the end of the month. I asked for a reason to ask me to leave like this. Next thing was ” I will call the police if you dont go now”. My colleague, clearly supporting him said ” yes, I call them. I got my things and he came to the door holding it for me ( I felt escorted like a criminal and I even felt as he would push me if I didn’t leave quickly. I couldn’t do anything.

    He told me at the very start that he would keep me in a basement and give me food and drink. I also asked him what he thought of me and he replied “you are vulnerable”. When we continued talking after telling me he was staying with his family he told me “you take this because it is better than nothing”. When I went to work in January with him I asked him why he offered me the job and he said “it is better to have you here than in your home country”. I went home for a week and he said “please, come back”. When I told him that I was thinking of resigning he said “I would hate not to have you in this office”. I asked why and he said “I like to work with you and having you around”. Yet, he met me maybe a total of 5 times in the 3 months I was there. At the start, just after meeting the first time he said: “I really don’t want to hurt you or cause distress, both physically or in other ways”. “Please. this is important to me. Why am I scaring you? I could not stand the idea of hurting you physically when we had sex, and it is the same mentally.” And just before meeting in person he said: “Well you could turn out to be a sociopath trying to kill me while I peacefully sleep dreaming of something innocent”

    Please help me with your insight. I am destroyed.

    At the start, just after meeting the first time he said: “I really don’t want to hurt you or cause distress, both physically or in other ways”. “Please. this is important to me. Why am I scaring you? I could not stand the idea of hurting you physically when we had sex, and it is the same mentally.”

    Just an example of a convo last year:

    Him: I don’t know what’s wrong with you. Why are you always pushing the way you do?
    Me: I just dont know why there has to be 0 contact
    Me: Not even a text
    Him: And I just don’t know why there constantly has to be contact
    Me: Constant??. You keep saying you dont have the time
    Him: Obviously it’s a big thing if I don’t text one day
    Me: No it is not
    Him: Glad you agree. So please act like it
    Me: But dont tell me it is because you can’t because you can
    Him: Ah. So you are the expert and judge now, I see
    Me: Well no one is that busy to say ” hi how are you?”
    Me: No not expert at all
    Him: If that’s what you want why don’t you find somebody who thinks alike? Because it’s not me

    Me: I find it difficult to understand how you can spend a day with me, have sex with me and everything else and now a whole weekend without even saying “hi”
    I was sick all weekend

    Him: just stop pushing me. I really don’t like to see numerous messages whenever I look at the phone.

    Me: I didn’t push, I only asked

    Him: that is bad, and I feel sorry for you. But there is nothing I can do about it, and we are not living together, so I don’t feel obligated to ask every five minutes how you are

    He also asked ” where is the block button on whatsapp to block you? I can’t find it”.

    Then on messenger he says: “Can you please tell me how to block somebody on messenger? I never blocked anybody, so I don’t know”

    He would text or talk aggressively saying things like “I am not to be prompted”, “I am not good at doing the things someone else expects me to do” or “I hate your questions” or many times telling me “just read what I wrote, you don’t get it, do you?” or “I only do things when I want to” or when I said that he hadn’t kissed me one day recently he said “I don’t kiss you in the mornings”…….I was always waiting to see when he would kiss me or when he would say/do something.

    He told me at the very start that he would keep me in a basement and give me food and drink.
    He said I was vulnerable in 2 occasions. In both I asked what he thought of me and once he answered “vulnerable” and the other one “intelligent, attractive. Vulnerable too”. At one point I was telling him I was scared to trust people or something like this and he said “that is because of the hurt in the past”.
    When we continued talking after telling me he was staying with his family he told me “you take this because it is better than nothing”.
    When I went to work in January with him I asked him why he offered me the job and he said “it is better to have you here than in your home country”. I went home for a week and he said “please, come back”. When I told him that I was thinking of resigning he said “I would hate not to have you in this office”. I asked why and he said “I like to work with you and having you around”. Yet, he met me maybe a total of 5 times in the 3 months I was there.
    At the start, just after meeting the first time he said: “I really don’t want to hurt you or cause distress, both physically or in other ways”. “Please, this is important to me. Why am I scaring you? I could not stand the idea of hurting you physically when we had sex, and it is the same mentally.” “It is not nice to be mistrusted”
    He seemed to be very focused in me trusting him at the start
    He said “remember when we first talked about honesty? This is very important to me but it also means I want your trust unless I did something to lose your trust”.
    He said “you never know, I might have a dark side!”. This is because I asked him why he had said that I wasn’t shocked when he asked me to meet.
    He said “Yet you agree to meet with a stranger for dinner”. “Must be my charms or my good looks”
    Just before meeting in person he said: “Well you could turn out to be a sociopath trying to kill me while I peacefully sleep dreaming of something innocent”
    He said that he is a pretty good observer
    At the start he told me “this is not something I do – writing and planning to meet”, “this is not a daily routine”, “I am telling you so that you don’t have the wrong impression of me

    One day he said “what is love anyway?”
    He would text or talk aggressively saying things like “I am not to be prompted”, “I am not good at doing the things someone else expects me to do” or “I hate your questions” or many times telling me “just read what I wrote, you don’t get it, do you?” or “I only do things when I want to” or when I said that he hadn’t kissed me one day recently he said “I don’t kiss you in the mornings”…….I was always waiting to see when he would kiss me or when he would say/do something.
    When we started talking he told me he wanted to know me as completely as possible and that he wanted to know my fears, dreams, fantasies and delights. He said he wanted the complete package, be a couple, live together, serious. He asked me what was important for me in life and I said I would write an answer. After 1 hour he wrote telling me “I thought you were sending me that reply. The reason is I am eager to know”. We only talked for 2 weeks and then we met in person on a Tuesday. He told me “I will not survive beyond Tuesday if we don’t meet”. He told me he was thrilled to know me and that his heart was mine, thanked me for being part of this Universe, that he was falling in love, that he hesitated to use the “L” word but that liking me wasn’t enough, reassured me I wasn’t an affair and that is when he told me honesty was very important for him. He said “liking you is already not deep enough” and “date” is not a word that suits me (this was in relation to the fact that we were meeting for the first time).
    After a few months when things clearly started to change I asked him what he likes about me. After thinking for a while and telling me that he likes the elephant in my pyjamas, he said “it is better I tell you what I don’t like because I will be finished quicker”. Yet he never told me what he likes, just avoiding the answer. One day I told him something about missing him or liking him and he said “I was just going to say something about that but now since you brought it up I will not say”. The very last time I was with him in March I asked him what he likes about me and he said that he would tell me one day.
    When at the beginning I told him that he didn’t seem to take the initiative to call he hung up on me and didn’t answer messages or calls from me all day long ignoring me. The next day he told me I had attacked him, that he felt attacked.

      Allie G
      July 5, 2019

      He was married or no?????

        July 5, 2019

        Yes, married

    Elle Stephens
    July 4, 2019

    I love each and every one of your articles. Thank you so much for the encouragement and for helping people overcome such an obstacle in life.
    You are truly amazing!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 5, 2019

      Hi Elle,

      Thank you for your kind words and please know how welcome you are.

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

    July 4, 2019

    Thank you, Mel. Why you say is true. [They] lack conscience and have pathological entitlement. I would go as far to say, at least in my case, that my ex is a psychopath (accessed my home when I was at work at beat my dog with a hammer). My ex has a very well crafted and cultivated facade. When common acquaintances see the home security system I’ve installed and learn why, they have a hard time reconciling the image of the man they think they know versus the real him. Especially our kids. Cognitive dissonance is an understatement even when they see a struggling, limping dog, add to that they are not allowed to have a key to my home because that would mean my ex would have access through their means (he’d go through their rooms when at school and take the key and have a copy made). They really cannot believe [it]. But the police get him and had it not been for the fact that he was able to avoid the motion detector I had on the main floor in the first place (was able to avoid breaking the beam ergo being videoed so concealed his accessed) he would have been charged; and, I would have made sure his crime was published for all to “see”. It’s only because of this one “misstep” that put him on the police’s radar, that things have cooled off somewhat. But we still have to negotiate our divorce settlement, so I know what appears “calm” now, is just him reloading before he lashes out on an entirely different level.

    I am very thankful for your NARP program. I have processed so much trauma, I literally have nothing left in my heart for this non-entity, let alone “expectations”. I said to him, “Some women fake orgasms. You faked a whole marriage.” He didn’t even bat an eye because we both know it’s true. If it wasn’t for the fact that we have to be around each other for life events, such as my son’s recent h.s. graduation, I would have no contact with the man whatsoever. Not because I’m left “hurt”, but because I am at a place of indifference. He could be with a new woman every week and it wouldn’t make a difference either way to me because I now know it is never personal or intimate for him. He would be as invested in them as he was in me for 19 years, and the “loves” before me. (Not at all!). He’s a chameleon – as you once wrote, how he was with me is not necessarily how he’d be with someone else. Meaning, it’s just all based on getting what he needs and if it means i.e., buying [her] flowers (something he would never do for me unless they were very tired looking,) then so be it. I know now it’s just a means/a transaction (good or in my case, bad supply). I am actually hoping he finds someone “serious” soon because I’m “all” he has right now. Another supply would mean “peace and quiet” for me.

    I hope newcomers can reconcile the truth of the matter which is, it was never personal for your “mate”. That doesn’t preclude the fact that your love was real, or that the life you shared as a family was real. You will always be your kids’ mom or dad and that will never end. It’s that the person you were living life with was an actor. Realizing this means that life is granting you the opportunity to heal and seal your gaps and eventually have a genuine, fulfilling life, (whatever that constitutes for you) moving forward. But you need to go inside and do the work. NARP is the key to your healing.

    Blessings to you, Mel.

      July 4, 2019

      One thing I forgot to say is that [you] and the kids make them appear “normal”. They can say, I have a wife/husband. Or I have x kids. Or, even saying, I’m divorced is “normal”. It’s just part of everyday life…. But we know the truth. It’s part of the facade. It’s nothing personal!

      July 9, 2019

      Nicole, my ex-husband of 25+ years did the same. After I had moved out, he took all our cats and “dumped” them somewhere. However, my neighbor told me he took them out back and shot them. I had a special therapy cat…I can only imagine what he did to her, and made the mistake of asking him-he said I’d never know, and don’t ever ask again. Be very prepared for your divorce. He worked at the sheriffs office as corrections officer, new everyone in the county and city-every attorney, every judge, every court clerk and secretary. He worked in prisons for almost 40 years and bragged about how he could get away with any crime, learned every criminal trick, knew exactly what to do and say to whoever would listen to his story, especially in the court system. Needless to say, he quit his job during our divorce, the judge said that it didn’t matter, he tried to better his life so his last 30 years of $60,000/year income wasn’t imputed and child support was based on if he had a minimum wage job, this all while he was working security at the courthouse for the domestic court judge. I lost it all. The house, any support except for our daughter, no spousal support, no retirement. None of my court documents were processed, however all of his were immediately processed and judged on. It blows my mind how truly evil he is, and it’s very hard to explain to your kids-whether teenagers or adult. Luckily, my youngest daughter found out how her dad really is, my oldest has completely “discarded” me also. So I wish you the best, do not let anyone know your plans (I made that mistake), and be prepared for a smear campaign that will blind side you for years before, during and after your divorce. It’s almost impossible for anyone to understand what you’ve gone through, especially attorneys, you will literally start to sound crazy, as I was told.
      Good Luck!

    July 4, 2019

    Hi, Mel,
    Just want to thank you so much for the time you devote to helping all those who have struggled in relationships with narcissists. You truly have the expertise to assist others, and it is obvious that you specialize in this area. Like many others, I had studied psychology and learned the clinical definition of a narcissist. However, psychology classes do not specifically identify the most common behaviors associated with the disorder and I was married to one for twenty years before I understood fully who he was. I happened upon one of your blogs and was astonished that it described my marriage perfectly. The only info missing was his photo and his name! Fortunately for me, I had a few successes behind me before I ever met him. I met him at a low point in my life, and he saw the opportunity. However, because I already had some knowledge of who I was and what I could accomplish, nothing he could say or do could convince me that I was unworthy of happiness and success.
    It has now been over four years since I left the relationship and determined for myself that No Contact was the only way to go. I have since remarried, and I never thought I would. I, like many others, had no desire to embark on another relationship after the trauma. But strangely, just when I least desired or expected it, I met the person most suited to me. I published my first novel last year and am happily married. Although I have a son from my previous marriage, the toxic relationship rarely enters my mind. It certainly does not haunt me anymore.
    I just want to say that you truly CAN heal and thrive.
    Thank you for giving the keys to a new life to so many. Your work is priceless, and so needed.

      July 5, 2019

      Thank you for this. It’s stories like these that give others hope, or even like me (this was 6 month of hell) gives me a glimpse that we can have an early escape if we know how to address our gut feelings and bolt out of the door! To know you cannot ‘win’ with them is the only way to go. You win by going no contact and living through that day by day.

      So happy you found someone suited to you.

        July 6, 2019

        That is the main reason I posted. I want others to have hope. I know how very long I endured a toxic relationship, mainly because I have a son. However, after recognizing that the situation is something detrimental, one has to know that it won’t get better and take the steps to leave it behind. It sounds unromantic, and people don’t want to believe that love is a choice, but it is. Who we love and who we continue to love is always a choice. Just as with any other important decision we make, we always have the right to revisit our decision and make a change if there was a mistake. We must recognize that we played the role of accepting unacceptable behavior because we were at a low point in our own lives. The best news of all is that we can change it, fully recover, and go on to lead very productive and very happy lives. As Maya Angelou wisely said, “The first time someone shows you who they really are, believe them.”
        Mel offers the best opportunity I have seen for information and recovery. Truly a much-needed service. What a rewarding life mission!
        Wishing you, Lydia, and all others who wish to recover, a very HAPPY ever after.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 5, 2019

      Hi Marguerite,

      You are very welcome.

      I’m so happy for you that you’ve broken through and are happily recovered in your new life.

      Many more blessings to you and your family.

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

      August 11, 2019

      I lost my husband 4 yrs ago. Two yrs ago I ran into an old class mate. He instantly lured me into his life. He was going to save me. I had nothing when my husband of 28 yrs died. Within 6 months I was living with him and almost immediately things were going the wrong way. I was at such a vulnerable broken state when I started the relationship and needed a sense of security and stability it was very hard to have to admit I made a big mistake seeking it with this monster. We are not a couple right now but because I’m not able to support myself we are still living in same place together. I am just blown away that #1, he turned out to be this way and #2 that I fell for this person. I’m broke, soon to be homeless and probably be on the street. He could careless he views me as a threat so for me it’s a rewind back to where I was when my husband died, but living with this narcissist is going to break me completely if I don’t get out. I’m so angry at myself and have such hatred for this man that he had the nerve to think I was so desperate and he took advantage of me

    July 5, 2019

    Another great article. I ended communication with a suspected narc who was on the receiving end of his previous narc girlfriends behaviour. I was lead to believe they were over, but her behaviour ticks all of the above boxes. Tried to sabotage our relationship, refused to move belongings out of his home, ignored him, then reeled him back in, accused him of abuse online, then continued to text him and keep any communication going she could.

    Was incredible to watch from a distance, mainly as I could see how her innocent angel behaviour online was the opposite behind closed doors.

    However, what happened was I got sucked into this drama, probably used a empathic supply by him, only for me to start being treated cruelly, and at that point I bolted. Exhausted, worn out and wondering how in God’s earth I ended up in the middle of this horrific squabble.

    I even ended up in her slanderous rages, but to watch him switch sides made me wonder if they were both narcs just playing each other. Either way, I am now recovering physically and mentally from this abuse (from both of them) and currently questioning how I ended up hoovered into it. I’ve gone no contact and he has disappeared (for now, no doubt). The toll these situations take on you is flabbergasting.

    The biggest thing I had to do was just accept all of the above was about to happen and hope for the best, and take each day as I could. Forewarned is forearms and that is why you are such a brilliant and generous person for sharing all of your knowledge and saving peoples lives and sanity. Thank you Melanie. x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 5, 2019

      Hi Lydia,

      I’ glad my material has helped.

      That’s great you are going No Contact with this toxicity. Stay strong if he hoovers.

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

    Nancey Enell
    July 5, 2019

    Thank You for this!
    It just affirms that my Ex Husband was indeed a Narcissist..
    I wish I could have seen this before he abandoned me and our special needs dog..
    Took almost everything in the house..
    With no money and no family and no where to go…
    Hadn’t worked in 25 years..
    Because I was taking care of him and the house and dogs..
    He said he would take care of me Forever..
    Married me… and obviously lied to me for 23 years..
    He lied to his family and I never heard a word from any of them after 23 years!
    These people are evil and inflict the most amazing amount of pain..
    I went no contact very early at my Attorneys Suggestion..
    Glad I listened..
    We are good now!
    Healing and glad to be away from the Narcissist Games etc.
    I so appreciate everything you say to help us heal!
    Thank You ❤️

    July 5, 2019

    I was sitting at a bus stop this afternoon and my narcissist blew right by me on a bike! He knew it was me sitting there on the bench. I had to leave the state for a while 9 months ago because I lost everything because of him. The trauma and the devastation was so deep I needed 2000 miles between us! To this day I am still untangling some left over legal issues fom this relationship among other things. On a brighter note I believe that I have been moving forward towards thriving! This was the worst thing I have ever been through in my life! Don’t ever want to go down this road again! God bless everyone on the road to thriving! XO Michelle

    July 5, 2019

    I am a young mom (27years old) with two little kids under 3 starting my journey to heal from my relationship with a narcisisst.
    My break up is fresh, about 2 weeks ago and we will be going to court on Monday for the restraining order I had to file. Things started to go really bad between us and I felt so afraid and scared for me and my kids that I couldn’t do otherwise.

    While there is no contact (thank God for this) I am trying to get myself back, meditate and learn as much as I can about the narcissist. I know it will be a battle and I know he will be cruel but I am is all I can do.

    I still have hunted dreams sometimes and restless days. I wonder why this happened to me. What is scary in all this, is the love for my children. If I was by myself I think I could handle it much better, but with kids involved, it is a whole other thing.

    Any words of encouragement, suggestions, prayers would be much appreciated. Thank you for your blog. Sara

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 5, 2019

      Hi Sara,

      This is great that you are being strong and taking a stand for you and your kids..

      Sara I cannot recommend the inner work enough for people recovering from narcissistic abuse period, and especially when in battle and tumultuous times like you are experiencing now.

      Please connect to my free inner transformational resources where you will understand how to truly harness your power in this situation, for you and your children

      Sending love, power and strength to you

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

    July 5, 2019

    Hi Melanie,

    Thank you so much for this article and the others mentioned in it! The generous amount of resources offered is truly incredible! I have only been able to read a portion of it yet, but there have been already so many things I needed to hear, in your articles as well as in the comments below them, and I am grateful to you and to all the persons who have shared them! Putting words on situations and feeling is truly empowering, making it easier to let go of thoughts about the narcissists and theirs actions, to target traumas and to focus on my healing.

    I’m being delivered the silence treatment by all the narcissists around me at the same time, which I happily use to do as many module healings as I can. It was a relief to read “Inner Identity Programs can be very insidious, powerful and hidden, and this is why the real work is very, very important”, because it feels like a mountain so high I can’t imagine it has a top! One of my next targets for shifting is about the panic of not being healed enough and early enough when one of them tries to break into my boundaries.

    “The real truth was I had done the work on supporting myself fully first.” “it is so important as soon as possible to work on yourself emotionally – vibrationally so that you don’t feed fear, outrage and distress”: so true with the narcissists around me who target those three supplies as often as they can.
    “then there would be a clarity and emotional solidness to simply turn the opportunity down and organically feel really comfortable in saying “no”. This is where I am longing to be! I can say no, but it makes me feel heavy for some time after, and about clarity, it is only possible from a distance and with time, and I don’t feel emotionally solid enough yet.
    “yes there is good way to leave a narcissist … DON’T say anything!” Thank you so much for this black in white statement!
    “Much of this preparation needs to occur emotionally.” “Your soul is truly untouchable once you reclaim it.” “When we do that, a startling transformation starts to take place, and we are in a much better place to be real, calm and authentic when we talk to people.” This is where I would like to be-come with my daily self!

    Again, thank you so so much for your support and NARP’s support, it is making a difference in my life, slowly but definitely.

    With lots of love and gratitude,


    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 6, 2019

      Hi LVM,

      You are very welcome.

      This is so great that you are on the empowerment path. You are really on to it and doing a fantastic job.

      I really do sense that with you.

      Keep going Dear Lady

      Lots of love to you

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

    July 6, 2019

    I am currently trying to institute no contact with my wife who I separated from. We have two daughters 9 and 11 which she is starting to leverage against me. As a result, I find myself acting out selfishly and texting or saying things to her that made me consider whether I’m not a narcissist myself. I think the peptide addiction to negative emotional states definitely has taken hold of me.

    I realized my wife was narcissistic several years ago but because of our two daughters and my own mental health difficulties I could not muster the confidence to break away. She also switches from grandiose to vulnerable narcissistic behaviors which has made it difficult for me to be certain she was narcissistic. I also don’t consider myself to be a very emphatic or caring person so I have also had difficulty seeing myself as codependent.

    Finally I came to realize in the last two years when I made a tremendous effort to help my wife launch her career that it only resulted in her devaluing, humiliating and demeaning me even further. As she has had some initial success in her career, the grandiose aspects of her personality have also become much more pronounced.

    Your emphasis on seeing the narcissist as a trigger for as well as an opportunity to heal unhealed emotional wounds and grow into the best possible version of my self really resonates with me.

    I have struggled my entire life to form meaningful relationships and friendships with people. I can see now that I have clung onto my wife and my marriage for the past 12 years as a way to validate myself and to avoid dealing with my past shame, loneliness and humiliation.

    Thank you very much for your tireless efforts in creating great content about how to identify and recover from narcissistic abuse. It engenders hope in me that I can survive the upcoming difficulties and challenges that are sure to come. And also helped me to realize that my relationship with a narcissist is an opportunity for me to transform my, as yet unidentified, childhood traumas that I believe have hindered my realizing my full potential as a person before and during my marriage to a narcissist.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 7, 2019

      Hi Al,

      Please know how welcome you are.

      Your self awareness and honesty is exceptional. Truly all you need now is the process and you are on your way.

      Have you checked out NARP?

      Blessings and breakthroughs to you

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

    July 7, 2019

    I wish I’d had your articles to read 13 years ago when my marriage to my darling narcissist fell apart.we were a typical empath/narcissist couple He had the next woman in the wings just waiting for him to finish with me. We’d been together 12 years – to the outsider we seemed to have the perfect relationship. He was a serial cheater – but it was all in my head… the night we split he beat up my 15 yr old son for being late with the chores. That was the final straw. I was devasted. I loved him so much. My confidence and self worth were shattered. Thankfully I since found a wonderful man and have remarried- someone who doesn’t cheat, belittle me and who celebrates my achievements instead of competing with them. My narcissist has now split with the woman he left me for … he came back sniffing around me but now has a new ” supply”. I feel sorry for her she seems like a nice lady and probably completely taken in by his charm…

    Megan Allen
    July 9, 2019

    Being involved with abusive people who don’t respect boundaries is awful. The only way we can be there for any length of time is if we abuse ourselves and don’t respect our own boundaries. I was trained to disregard my own boundaries as a young person – I did not know when they were being crossed because it felt normal. Training myself to feel it (in my body) when my boundaries are being crossed has been a real improvement on my life in so many ways. Having an ex ask me to be his mistress – now that he is someone else – was a felt experience, a kick in my chest; he was asking me if I still dislike myself. The easy answer was no to that offer. And yes to me. There is no other path to acceptance and love than starting with ourselves first.

      July 11, 2019

      I recently joined NARP and have dipped my toe in the self recovery journey however it is so painful to dredge it all up and experience all the grief and pain associated with recognizing my lack of self worth. I also cant seem to compartmentalize the grief of losing my son and this abusive husband. The loss of my child is beyond words and this callous person in my life is making me seem crazy. I’ve wondered as someone else stated above if I’m not also narcissistic even though I know I’m not. Melonie, everything I’ve read is so spot on it is validating yet fills me with shame and guilt because maybe my son would still be here with me if I had gotten out. Now I’m just trying to survive each day with my grief of losing my son while being abused by my … whatever he is… npd for certain, and what is left or important in life. It is not him the narcissistic abuser , however I can’t seem to pick myself up for very long. Just know what little hope I have left has been reading your articles. I’m torn between worlds of pain. Anyone who has lost a child understands…. being sandwiched between a horrific person and my grief is just too much. So my mind shuts down and I can only do a little at a time with NARP. Of which I have yet to begin the first module. But thanks….

    Robyne McKay
    July 11, 2019

    I love the reference ‘switch and ditch’, that’s totally what my daughter did to me. She has a better supply now so has no regard for my feelings, nor my boundaries. I pay the price though, she smeared me completely and told allot of lies that are being believed by the people she is surrounded with now.
    It hurts allot but I truly know it is just a matter of time before that all unravels for her there. Its hard when the Narc is one of your children and grandchildren are involved. I truly have not been able to work that one out.

    I have however been able to resolve allot around the NARC ex husband. We still share financial ties and he keeps me on a string for now. I have grieved for years now but yesterday, after speaking with him, even though it was (for a change) a civil conversation, I skipped away from it happy, knowing I dont have to deal with that anymore. He did engage me, defending his cheating with 14 others and partially laying the blame at my feet for why he did it. I got sucked in a little but not totally. I know, I absolutely know, there will never be full accountability, empathy or remorse toward me. He only feels for himself.

    I am slowly dismantling the estate and have my own best interests first in my mind in an ethical way and gee that feels good. I still need to work to look after myself and I still struggle in some areas but Melanie, knowing the modules are there to use, reading and listening to the blogs help so, so much. I cant thank you enough..

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 11, 2019

      Hi Robyne,

      14 wow! Sorry I couldn’t help but notice that number … !

      I’m so pleased you are getting there and finding your way through this, and I’m so happy NARP and my resources and this wonderful community can help you.

      Sending love, power and blessings to you.

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

    July 13, 2019

    Another great article. Anyone on the outside would never believe let alone understand how nasty the narc is and what the victim undergoes at the end. But the struggle was worth it because my life is so incredible now that I have removed that narc and so much easier because that energy vampire is no longer impeding on everything I AND MY CHILDREN do. I think THAT is one of the reasons thrivers do so well. We spent so much of our life functioning with this weight on our shoulders – once that weight is lifted – everything becomes so much easier!! This article also reaffirms the fact that I will forever have no contact with that man. I feel like it is the only option for me to stay safe. Thank you Melanie for your work through your amazing NARP and these blogs. You are an angel.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 14, 2019

      How wonderful Christina that you are breaking through powerfully for you and your children.

      It’s so true, the relief, power and freedom we claim on the other side of n-abuse is epic

      Much love to you.

      Mel 🙏💕♥️

    Cheryl L. Wheeler, MA
    July 15, 2019

    Great resource information! Any information victims can obtain on how it was not their fault, is so very helpful toward their healing. The simple statement, “it is not the first time they have played these games”, reinforces that their are many before you and will be after you. Cheryl L. Wheeler, MA

    July 17, 2019

    Hello Melanie Tania Evans . thank you .
    Beginning my existence and living it now. Its good to know this narp tech that helps to solve how I a child got duped and fooled. But , no more of that and on to nongrieving flourishing life worth every moment. Good day

    August 7, 2019

    I feel blessed being on the other side. It’s been three years since things ended with my ex. The three years together were to serve a purpose of healing. Healing from my narcissistic mother. Three years later I’m in the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. I trust and love myself. I set boundaries. While I keep in contact with my mother its mostly via text. Since she is in another state, tt keeps feeling safe while having the ability to make sure she’s okay at almost 70.

    The first 4 months after I left were the most difficult. It was the first time I learned to be with myself completely. I dedicated not to date for a year. That time was the foundation of my healing. I literally would go to work, come home and cry most nights, journal, and let myself feel. By the time our divorce was final that same year, I was in a place of peace and did not look back!

    August 7, 2019

    Dear Mel

    I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for the work you do in supporting victims of narcissistic abuse and for guiding me through NARP. It has saved me, my sanity and consequently my two adorable sons.

    The brutal discard I experienced 18 months ago left me in pieces. Through therapy with a wonderful lady who takes a humanist approach and being introduced to Dr Joe Dispenza’s work I was led to you and your amazing healings.

    Unfortunately I am not able to go no contact but your teachings have given me the knowledge to understand the narc and NARP has allowed me to shift the traumas and I am THRIVING. I am a happier person with boundaries that I can now keep and a healthier relationship with my sons. There is still work to do but the triggers are less and less frequent and I have found the healings more powerful, particularly module 4 of NARP.

    Thank you Mel – with love xx

    August 8, 2019

    I am a ‘recovering Narc survivor”. I was married for 24 years and they were the saddest 24 years of my life. I have been free of the abuse for 4 years. Last year I found love – real love for the first time in my life and next year will be swapping our my last name in marriage 🙂 !! I am writing because I want your followers to know that they too can rid themselves of their personal ‘hell’ like I have. I don’t care about my ‘story’ – it’s really like most of your followers – it’s filled with malicious lies, betrayals, damage to the children, loss of self, and more. It’s a story that although the actual details may differ the end result is the same. I am a strong, capable, human being that realized my reality was overshadowed by the lies I believed for over 1/2 my life. I reacquainted myself with my gifts, the wonderful qualities that I possess and stepped outside of the collateral damage that was my life when I left. It was hard – painful – and I had to learn how to trust myself again. I questioned everything as it was all new. I had to fight the urge to compare my new experiences of real joy, happiness, friendship, everyday life experiences with the old behaviors – they were ‘programed’ into my brain as I was living 1/2 my life in ‘hell’. The more I fought the urges the less they became powerful and your program was able to help me find my way out of the haze.

    For all those who are still in the ‘hell’ – stay the course – don’t believe the thoughts that your ‘hell’ is all that you have – you are WRONG. You can and will find your inner peace, your love, your happiness – I did. I wanted to die many times – but I was much stronger than I gave myself credit and I am living proof that not only did I rid myself and my family of the ‘hell’ but I found true love. A love that I have never experienced. I found the love of myself and that of a partner. I see the past as just that – my past. I don’t give it a moment’s thought – I stopped obsessing over it the moment I realized my love for myself and my gifts – the moment I focused on me!

    Thank you Melanie – this blog – this space – has helped me see the future – my future. It is filled with joy, peace, and experiences that are far greater than I have ever envisioned for myself. I see each and every day as a blessing and I am confident that all of your followers – should they truly want to change their lives – can with your help and program. There is light at the end of their journey – and it is far greater than the ‘hell’ they currently are in today!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 8, 2019

      Awww Patti,

      I am so thrilled for you. Your post here has made my heart sing.

      I’m beyond happy that you connected to this wonderful community and NARP and were able to free you and your life onto your True Self and True Love trajectory.

      Thank you for inspiring and helping save other peoples spirits and souls.

      So much continued love and blessings to you

      Mel 🙏💞💛

    James Madden
    August 15, 2019

    So much you have written is true about my jenny. I helped her at Uni until I went to work in the country. The next year she was kicked out of the 2 courses she was doing. I would drive 300 miles a weekend to come back to see her, and leave to return for work at 3.00am on the Monday. I did this for 7 months, until in August I was too tired, plus she wasn’t given me the commitment to keep going. I loved her TOO much.

    In the end, finally one of her girlfriends told me about her and one of the blokes in her unit. She was engaged to him at the time she was engaged to me. I could not have given her more, and at the end, I was thrown under the bus. Dumped, left for dead. Though she sweetly told me, that I was better at sex than the new guy. Incidentally, she was also in a physical relationship with a younger guy at her work, as I found out later.

    On the Narcissists List she ticks about every box. When was all this?. About 40 years ago.

    September 6, 2019

    I have begun working on myself and an abstract version of my exit plan. I expect it will be less abstract and more focused as I continue healing. My only sticking point is my mother in law. My husband is just as abusive to her. I feel responsible for her as it was my suggestion that she come live with us after her husband passed away. Now I am planning my escape, but I feel guilty leaving her behind.

    September 13, 2019

    I was in a relationship for 8 years which I thought was super solid and was a person who had unconditional love for me no matter what that is until an old High school sweetheart came in to the picture. I think you are see where I am going with this. Next thing I know I was asked to pack my thing s and move out. Never seen that one coming. My ex’s immediate family never really liked or accepted me. They dislike everyone. I’m referring to his mom and dad and kids. The ones in that I call the “inner nucleus” that he is the closest to. Aunts and uncles loved me but the ones I just mentioned never did and never would accept me. Although, I tried to not let it bother me and thought as long as he loved me I could handle it no matter what in the back of my mind and heart I always felt like and was always treated like an outsider. So this I copied the statement below from your article What a Narc does when they end the relationship. This really resonated with me along with the comments about the smear campaign. It was heart breaking that he could be so hateful and turn on me after so many years together. Thanks Mel for your ongoing help with the confused and heartbroken.

    “This is what I know about your soul’s mission to evolve – if you are living in a Life that does not represent your True Self and True Life, then the heat gets turned up until you get booted out of it. It is irrelevant whether you chose to leave or were left. You were NOT living life as Who You Really Are.”

    October 16, 2019

    I’ve been bothered by this for the past 15 years, waiting for something from him that I was pretty sure was never going to come anyway. You finally put an explanation on it – thank you. You just wrote my story. For others struggling, my kids were the ones who saved me. He chose not to be in their lives, they got it and now as adults chose not to be in his. We are all thriving with good happy lives but… took years for me to heal and 15 years later, I still have moments. They have good relationships with good men. I chose to stay alone because I do feel somewhat broken still, but I’m working on myself. He married his mistress and they have been together for 15 years. How? who knows. That bothers me the most however from day one I said he would stay with her longer than he was with me just to prove something to me. I believe that with all my heart as miserable as he is. I have to wonder if she’s a narcissist because this is her 3rd marriage.
    I appreciate all the comments.

    Hanna Nortje
    November 13, 2019

    I met a man during the most difficult time of my life. I moved from one province to another to be close to my son – as my husband was critically ill with Parkinson’s decease at the time. I bought into a development where he was the so called “Developer”. He befriended me and shared the fact that his current wife(one time divorced)was at the local Hospice with cancer. She too was critically ill.
    As it became more and more difficult for me to handle and take care of my husband after him being ill for 13 years – this man suggested that I get a break and take him to Hospice as well. His wife had since passed and he assisted me in the process.
    I bought the unit and started preparing it to move in – he did all kinds of things for me. Hanging pictures etc. Sadly my husband then passed and this man assisted me with the whole process. He became aware of a policy issue in the family.
    My husbands son from a previous marriage managed to change a policy taken out by me on the life of my husband to that of the three siblings. This man was dead set on encouraging me into getting this policy. He love bombed me got me to sell my property, and move in with him. He was kind and considerate – told me he had invested monies into his unit which actually didn’t belong to him. He also made me understand that he bought his car cash and that he was the partner of the business where he worked.
    The business was struggling – I had monies – and put some in. He did not recieve a salary for over a year and I carried him. My monies started to run out – he was religious BUT after a year went over the top.He insisted that I break the sole ties with my deceased husband. Suddenly no more sex as it was a sin. I had to move into the second bedroom – no sex but when he knocks I must oblige. He told me that he was the “Priest” of the house and I should be submissive. Unless I do the sole tie thing he cannot marry me as he needs to be “the one” in my life. He started analizing my personality – I was a sinner! He was a messenger from GOD. And one day I would stand in front of GOD, and he would be next to GOD and say that he told me and that I wouldn’t listen.
    He started sending me all kinds of letters – repremanding me! Ugly messages and what’sups. I became so distraught and unhappy. A friend decided to phone my son who came to fetch me to stay with him until such time that I recovered mentally and emotionally. And also until I got my monies back from him and the company.
    The sad part is that he replaced me with a very young woman with two children almost immediately.
    We also work at the same company in the same office.
    I went no contact blocked him on every social forum. Not sure what he is telling other people He since decided to fast and has lost a lot of weight, looking old and sick.
    He also came with the sole mate story, we are going to marry – we had drawn up plans to build a house ?!
    He took the house plans and apparently offered it to this new woman – wrote me a nasty email whereby he told me most probably she saw in him what I never did. What a cruel person he is. My son and family are suffering as a result, and most probably his lovely children as well.
    I cannot for the life of me understand that I did not see this coming, I feel that I let myself down not to mention my family. I have absolutely no respect for him – I wasted time and energy on a person NOT deserving my kindness, attention and effort in this relationship!!

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