It can be very difficult to get our head around the level of healing that we can create for ourselves now …
One where suffering no longer needs to be the only option.
My definition of suffering is this: we are trying to survive despite our trauma, despite our history and despite our losses.
When we are locked onto that trajectory, life and living can feel like an enormous challenge – everyday tasks such as going to work, making appointments, meeting with people or planning out your day can send you into anxiety.
And when something goes wrong, or you are faced with a challenge, you can experience fully blown panic.
Worse still, in these times you may hand your power over in ways that cause you to get severely damaged by other people … or you make choices, in your intense pain, that truly are destroying yourself.
This is a terrible situation to be in. It is incredibly difficult to create a better life for yourself when you are operating from this state.
And you may feel powerless to make any changes.
And maybe you can’t see a way for the terror and powerless feelings to stop.
I went through this for a long time, and it wasn’t until I understood WHY this powerless state occurs that I was able to heal these MASSIVE triggers that were consuming my life.
The reason why I was so stuck, and suffering so much pain, is because my beliefs had been high-jacked with fully activated Survival Programs.
And of course, as a result of narcissistic abuse, many of you are still living this horrible reality … which is why I felt compelled to write this article.
This article follows on the back of last week’s ThriverTv episode “What Self-Partnering Really Is”.
It is my deepest wish for this article that it helps make it very, very clear exactly what Survival Programs are, and the promise that self-partnering and up-levelling brings – which is a freedom WAY beyond needing to painfully try and manage our wounds anymore.
Because we don’t when they just no longer exist.
And that is exactly what this article is about – the real bringing home of understanding that there is a Source Truth for us, there is a path forward. There is a level of existence that is our birthright and it’s one that is NOT about attempting to manage wounds.
It is living FREE of wounds.
Especially the ones that are crippling us.
These are the ones that I call – Survival Programs.
What are Survival Programs?
These are inner belief systems and traumas that affect us adversely.
The reason why they do is because when Survival Programs are triggered within us, we experience chemical rushes and terror that can literally feel like we are going to die.
This is when the issue doesn’t necessarily match our emotional response.
It’s NOT logical.
An example may be a woman called Angela being left by a man and feeling like she cannot go on and physically survive and live her life without him.
That could be REGARDLESS of the fact that she is a CEO for a global company and earns five times as much as him.
It doesn’t matter what her family, friends and even her brain tries to tell her to realise the incredible logic of how capable and financially secure she is – her inner belief systems can’t be convinced otherwise.
Another example may be a man called Andrew feeling every time his partner leaves to go out and do her own thing, a terror that she may not return, and a feeling of intense trauma causing him to literally panic.
This is REGARDLESS of the fact that she always returns, she has no intention of leaving him and the couple’s counsellor trying to convince him of that as well.
And no matter how convincingly Andrew tries to remind himself of “the truth” he can’t seem to manage this panic that literally takes him over.
I hope you can understand by these examples that Survival Programs are ANYTHING but logical.
That’s right – they are deeply emotional – as are all our belief systems.
And belief systems with high emotional content within them can’t be managed cognitively, because that is not where they are based or generating their energy from.
So why does Angela have the terror every time a man leaves her that she can’t cope and will die, even though she earns six figures?
And, why does Andrew panic every time a love partner leaves the house, even though she would never leave him or hurt him and she always returns?
Because of Survival Programs.
Angela’s Survival Program is one SO MANY women carry – “I can’t survive without a man.”
It’s a universal one amongst women, deeply entrenched within us, that virtually all of us inherited from our ancestors through our DNA … unless our previous female ancestors had already healed and up-levelled that belief.
And most hadn’t.
Andrew’s Survival Program was caused in childhood. When he was very young, his mother used to leave him unattended to. And as an infant and young child he had no ability to be a Source of love, approval, security and survival to himself. He was highly co-dependently reliant on his mother.
When she regularly abandoned him, he was filled with the terror of “When she leaves me I could die”.
As an adult man this terrible trauma still lived inside him.
Both Angela and Andrew were feeling powerful destabilising emotions that the present day logic did NOT agree with … but none of that matters when we are living under the influence of Survival Programs.
And they literally throttle us until we heal them.
Narcissists – The Activators Of Our Survival Programs
The purpose of every relationship is to reflect back and trigger unhealed parts as an offering towards personal and collective evolution.
When in relationship with a narcissist magnify this substantially because narcissists smash our Survival Programs up to the surface.
Meaning … our BIGGEST unconscious fears and terrors … the most vulnerable, fearful parts of ourselves that we have disowned, don’t want to face, don’t like about ourselves or never even knew existed because we were unconscious and these fears and “stuff” had just always been our “normal”.
When narcissistic abuse strikes, there is nothing “liveable” and “normal” about what we are going through.
We wake up to our worst possible nightmares.
These are examples of only some of the terrible Survival Programs that narcissists find, smash and trigger.
“If people leave me I’ll die”
“If I can’t stop this person acting crazily I’ll die”
“If I don’t convince this person I didn’t do the wrong thing I’ll die”
“If I don’t win this person’s love and approval I’ll die.”
“If I don’t help this person, I’ll lose them and then I’ll die.”
(Remember the feelings of “dying” equates to the young undeveloped fears of “I can’t be a Source of love, approval, security and survival to myself”).
The illusion is that this terror started with the narcissist.
Yet it didn’t – it’s old.
It was established in childhood, or we were born with it (in our DNA from ancestors) and then it repeated in childhood.
Survival Programs are BIG … They are powerful … and they run our Life in terrible ways.
Until we heal them.
And we can’t achieve that by trying to “think” our way out of them.
The Thinking/Learning Model is Not Healing Survival Programs
Thinking and learning has been ingrained into us as the way to change something about ourselves.
But … if you are trying to defeat “a way of being” which is a Survival Program with a huge amount of terrorised emotional content within it, NO amount of “thinking” or “learning” is going to change what you choose and generate with life.
This is where so many people go wrong – they try to create cognitively a change that their subconscious quite frankly is NOT having.
Let me explain with an example.
Mary’s father cheated repeatedly on her mother and when Mary was a young teen he up and left for good. Her mother was always depressed, emotionally unavailable and sad. She was also at times so angry she would lash out at Mary and take out her pain on her. When Mary’s father left, her Mother had several suicide attempts.
Mary was always trying to help her mother and hold her together. Sometimes it would work but usually it didn’t.
Mary accumulated these deep traumas inside herself – “Men cheat and lie and destroy their woman”, and “The people I love are too hurt to look after me, if I can fix them then I can survive.”
Mary had been in therapy for years, because her pattern was the same as her mother’s. Men who cheated and left her, and her suffering deep depression and anxiety.
She understood the pattern, she talked about it with her therapist and learnt all about the warning signs of cheaters. Men who had a history of cheating, men who oogled other women, and men who were jealous and controlling and accusing their partners of being unfaithful … among many other signs.
Mary was determined to not repeat the pattern by the time she met Peter, who was handsome, attentive and so into her. Before long they were in a relationship together. Mary had done her homework as per her therapist’s suggestion and asked Peter some pertinent questions.
Peter admitted to Mary that he had cheated on previous partners. He told her the reasons for this – one woman had told him she did not love him anymore and wanted to stay with him to see if the love could rekindle. Peter had said because of the pain of not feeling her love – it wasn’t right – but he fell into the arms of another woman.
Mary pondered what he said and thought, I can understand this.
He also stated that when he was younger he did play up more regularly, but that was before he worked on himself, understood how much pain it causes and that was not his makeup now.
Mary believed him.
One day when out to lunch Mary went to the toilet, was walking back to the table and saw Peter looking a slim blonde up and down who was walking past him.
Peter saw her notice this and he quickly said, “I was thinking how gorgeous that outfit would look on you darling.”
Even though Mary’s heart sunk, she chose to believe him.
After a few months Mary started feeling very uneasy when she wanted to do things without Peter. He would get moody and would often question her over and above the normal range of “concern”.
It got worse … he started making demands about her not spending any time alone with other men, and wanted to know the marital and otherwise status of the men she worked with.
Mary was still having counselling, and she reported honestly what was going on. Her therapist advised her she was back in the same pattern again with a man who was showing all the signs of being a cheater.
Mary went home and talked to Peter honestly about her concerns and said to him she would need to end the relationship. Peter broke down and cried and said that there was no way he would ever cheat on her, and that he had abandonment fears, loved her so much, needed her help and wanted to work through things with her.
Mary capitulated. She felt his pain intensely, held him and declared how much she loved him and would stand by him and they could heal all of this together.
Two years later Mary was still in therapy, shattered and battered, and totally hooked and addicted to him, and trying harder and harder to fix the relationship whilst losing more and more pieces of herself.
Within the two years of being with Peter she had discovered three of Peter’s affairs and the whole time had been terrorized by his escalating jealousy and possessiveness.
This was the WORST relationship Mary had had to date with a cheater.
And this is what happens, when we haven’t healed our Survival Programs … Life ups the ante to get our attention so that we do.
Sooo why had this happened to Mary, despite learning the warning signs of cheaters and knowing this was a pattern that she needed to stop repeating from the trauma of her childhood?
Because the trauma STILL lived inside her.
It had never been released or healed.
And all the “information” in the world was not going to achieve that!
The Brain Always Follows the Subconscious Programs
The mind “decisions” we make are always going to default back in alignment with our subconscious programming. Meaning we always “get with and stay with” whatever our subconscious programming is.
Everyone’s mind comes up with all of the justifications and excuses as to why we should … even when the Infinitely Wise part of our Inner Being is trying to warn us otherwise.
Remember how Mary’s heart sunk when Peter told her the lie, “I was thinking that outfit would look gorgeous on you”?
That was Mary’s Infinite Wisdom TELLING her point blank it was a lie.
But her mind quickly talked her out of it.
We’ve all had the gut warning and then the “excuse” in our mind takes over … and later, down the track, we found out JUST how costly it was to go against that gut warning.
Narcissistic abuse is FULL of those times.
And … we have all listened to someone else make “justifications” to do something or stay with someone – when as an outsider looking in, we can CLEARLY see that the excuses are delusional and this person is totally making up a version to convince themselves in order to do something (or not do something) that we KNOW is going to end very badly.
We are conscious, but they are still asleep – they are unconscious to their choices.
And because we care about this person we may do what a good friend does; we speak up – we don’t just tell them what they want to hear. We point out in no uncertain terms that they are crazy in thinking that, and the real facts are soooo obvious.
We are amazed – why can’t they see them?
After investing all that energy, it seemed they were listening, and you hope “a shift” happened – yet you later hear they made their original choice, more drama and pain happened and they still aren’t getting it!
Maybe we have all been that good friend, as well as the person, at times, who doesn’t HEAR the “information”.
Why can’t we hear information at times?
Why can’t we embody it?
The reason is very scientific, conclusive and irrefutable. And neuro-scientists are proving it now.
The reason is, because we can only choose and hang on to thoughts that are within the range of our existing subconscious programming on any given topic.
The most prominent subconscious programming we have are the messages we took on which evoked the greatest emotional charge within us.
Trauma is high emotional content.
Belief systems with high emotional traumatic content are Survival Programs.
A child who is in terror of not receiving love, approval, security and survival has high emotional trauma. Mary’s Survival Programs regarding her Father and her Mother were deeply embedded within her.
Her thoughts and subsequent choices brought her the validity of “Men cheat and lie and destroy their woman”, and “This person I love is too hurt to look after me, if I can fix them then I can survive.”
In other words, her thoughts organized her in a way (despite the presenting evidence) to ensure that these beliefs were lived out as True.
That’s what subconscious beliefs with powerful emotional content do – they generate the truth of the belief to the letter until re-programmed.
So … in real terms this is exactly WHY she made excuses for Peter, and gave into him every time he appealed to her to be “fixed” by her.
And when Mary contemplated letting go of Peter (as her counsellor was trying every week to get her to build towards) Mary literally felt a panic so extreme it was a feeling like she would die.
I can assure you this was REAL for Mary and as powerful as if it WAS real. (Just as Survival Programs are for all of us when activated).
So … here was the counsellor (and Mary) trying to convince Mary to let go of Peter and create her own life, yet the almighty power of the Subconscious Programs inside her went like this, “You are a child and powerless. You are not getting your needs met, and you can’t survive unless you do. If you don’t fix this person who is not meeting your needs, then you are going to die.”
Now maybe you understand … the insane power of those terrors and panics you have felt (or still feel) when trying to get away, stay away, hold No Contact and move on to generate a completely different Life – free of the past patterns and abuse.
And the literal barrage of “excuses” and justifications” your mind gives you to get you to stay attached to the patterns and abuse.
So that the beliefs get to live out AS TRUE.
If you feel terror and pain emotionally – it is TRUE for you – and NO amount of logical discussion is going to shift you out of that terror.
In fact, the more you try to argue with the terror of that subconscious program with mere logic, the more you are tearing at yourself, because your subconscious is NOT having it!
It 100% believes death is imminent if you let go … and it is doing EVERYTHING not to.
This is why IF people do let go without reprogramming these crippling Survival Programs the agony is almost annihilating.
People feel like they are dying – they can’t eat, can’t function and feel the incredible trauma and panic of wanting to constantly reconnect and having to try to use extreme willpower or distractions to stay away.
The truth is most people only get out when things have got so bad that the belief “I will die if I stay” has matched the power of the belief “I will die if I leave.”
And those two beliefs don’t cancel each other out.
Either way you feel like you will die.
I promise you so many people just don’t ever heal from this – they have to take up medication or another addiction to numb out the emotional agony.
Or, their subconscious will find and attach to another replacement to fulfil the truth of the belief and the cycle starts all over again.
Just as Mary did with Peter.
And illogically, tragically and devastatingly until reprogrammed, the brain will find every loophole and every justification to bring this to pass.
How Do We Heal Survival Programs?
We heal Survival Programs the same way we heal all our belief systems that are not serving us.
We stop trying to think our way out of them, and we go into our body and toward the trauma in order to track it through to it’s origin. Then we embrace it, load up the emotional energy of it and release it out of our body, which creates the space to bring in healthier beliefs that do serve us on that topic.
Then … no longer are we operating under the influence of that Survival Program within us.
We have midwifed our evolution beyond the trauma into a state of being which is healthy and solid instead.
Then there are no triggers to manage, rather there is a calm wisdom in its place now. And we stop convincing ourselves of ways to keep ourselves connected to more of that trauma and hurt.
Our thoughts have just become healthy – without effort – instead.
Not only have we ceased thinking, showing up as, and generating more of the trauma – we also stop being attracted to and attractive to who and what represents that trauma.
Sometimes when we have up-levelled a Survival Program we get the chance to graduate in “real life”.
An example I share in my Webinar Groups is a personal one.
It’s this …
My worst previous Survival Program was, “If people I love turn their back on me I’ll die”.
Both narcs used this against me horribly, and at those times of “sudden abandonment” my sensibility would go out the window.
By the time I was with narc #2 I had healed tons – but not yet this abandonment terror.
And again I found myself doing what I did with narc #1. I would phone and text incessantly … I was not able to let go. I even threw myself onto the bonnet of the car when he tried to drive off. Once I clung to his leg as he dragged me along.
When he did manage to get away from me, after me being prepared to throw all boundaries and rights out the window, and agree to any insane condition he would lay down … I would shake and be terrorised like a 3 year old. I would vomit, I would hyperventilate.
I FELT like I was going to die.
Not pretty …
Was this an adult woman?
No! It was my terrified 3-year-old inside me taking over.
It wasn’t until after narc #2 and up-levelling my Inner Child from that Survival Program terror with Quanta Freedom Healing shifts, that she was able to get well regarding “abandonment” and feel safe and secure with me and her ability to be in Life without an external parent / partner needing to fix her regarding that terror.
Then I got to experience the results of my up-levelling in REAL time!
A couple of years ago, I was seeing a gentleman and we were starting to connect. He was gorgeous, smart, lovely and dreamy (oh so dreamy!!) … yet something cropped up.
I spoke up and questioned when my gut told me “something is not right.”
He twisted and turned and threatened abandonment with his answer.
If I continued on I would have been self-abandoning. I would have absolutely been selling myself out, because my intuition was very clear. It screamed “Do not proceed.”
Rather than the old me feeling terrorised, abandoned and let down – instead THIS time I didn’t self-abandon.
Yay! I ended it. Easily!
I had no fear, no regrets, and no pain.
I did it respectfully, calmly, lovingly and clearly, without surges of nasty chemical compounds occurring in my body.
I graduated! Double Yay!
My Inner Child was not terrified about letting go. She was nestled inside me, happily secure saying, “Yeah, we don’t want him Mum! Not good enough for us. Now what are we doing today?”
Yippee! This was the happiest and most exciting break up I had ever known!
Knowledge was never going to grant me that relief and evolution. It was only the work done directly in my body that could have ever created such a shift.
Because that is EXACTLY what our Survival Programs require.
So …. I hope this article has explained a LOT to you and given you hope that there is a way out of the nightmare of Survival Programs.
And if you strongly relate to this article, I highly recommend that you sign up for my next free Tele-class where I will not only show you how to heal from survival programs, but I will show you how to unravel each and every insidious aspect of narcissistic abuse.
Which then allows you to leave the agony behind and start Thriving in your new abuse free life – just as thousands of people in this community have done already.
Reserve your space for my next free Healing Webinar here.
And I promise you, in time-frames that you may never believed were possible, you will not know yourself when you do!
Because such is the power of healing when we do it directly in our bodies.
As always I look forward to your comments and questions.
There are ways to get rid of the childhood-traumas very effectively. Checkout the work oft Gabriele Kahn from Berlin/Germany: http://www.gkahn-traumatherapie.de/3das_innere-kinder-retten.html
Hi Stefan,
thank you for sharing. It is wonderful that people are using dynamic work that can address trauma effectively. It is exactly what our world needs to get free from the grip of it.
That is what Quanta Freedom Healing creates – which is the main component in the NARP Program, which has helped so many people in this Community. QFH also reaches deep into ancestral DNA trauma as well.
Which is so important to achieve true Thriver Recovery.
Mel xo
“And again I found myself doing what I did with narc #1. I would phone and text incessantly … I was not able to let go. I even threw myself onto the bonnet of the car when he tried to drive off. Once I clung to his leg as he dragged me along”
Hi Melanie,
That was really difficult to read and to know that a wonderful soul like your self went through that type of pain is heart wrenching. Thank you for being so open and sharing your story which alot of us can relate to. It was painful because it brought me back to a time where I also acted in similar ways (clung to leg) complete meltdowns…
I also struggle with abandonment issues and when he found that weakness of mine …WOW …did he ever know how to push my buttons…the worst part is that I knew he was pushing my buttons and I would see him smirking(it brought him so much pleasure) while I was in meltdown…I still couldn’t stop…the most disgusting part is he started video taping me to show ” how much help I needed” this would be his proof. I don’t want to share to much on here ironically, (I might sound paranoid) I saw him post on one of your articles. He is not aware that I know his alias name ( I had a heads up from a good friend of mine) and he is posing as someone who was affected by many narcs in his life. (No shame whatsoever) Is this common that they find these resources and participate in the forums…Hes a twisted freak and I haven’t done the work yet and still wish awful things for him…sorry…I have been NC for (still trying to not share to much) lets say longer than 10 months (and strangely enough no meltdowns..hmmmmm). The good thing is I didnt fall for his BS this time (this is round 8 going NC) I changed all my contact info he tried getting through some mutual friends…however, I guess I am in the angry stage. He did exploit me in ways that I never ever thought anyone could do to a human being much less someone who I thought cherished and loved me. I am determined even more now since I found your site…I dont care if he’s on here playing the victim…that is how he lured me into his pathetic life….I will get to that higher level of healing…thank you for your site it truly has been a blessing I hope all the light here will make him dissipate….
I understand the powerful impulse to remain in the dance when you know absolutely it is a toxic one. So frustrating, and crazy making. One topic I would love to hear more about is the connection between sexual abuse in childhood and later connecting with somatic narcissists. This is such a powerful core and common dance that all the knowledge in the world cannot heal. As a woman, I recognize one of my greatest vulnerabilities is the core issue of sexuality and setting the boundaries so that I am not a match for the somatic narcs.My self partnering journey has been about loving and nurturing myself in this area and healing the impulses that began out of dark childhood experiences that have made it very difficult to overcome the illusion of my comfort and addiction with unhealthy relationships. I am more aware than ever of the dissonance this has created and can see a healthy sexuality on the horizon. The narc #2 just invited me over, after 3 months of no contact. I want to pass this test and I still feel he has seductive power. Love the picture of graduating, and I want more and more of those good feelings aligning with healthy living and that replacing what has been good feelings aligned with danger. What he has given me is the illusion of desirability, being wanted, being beautiful, being chosen. Being given up for adoption and painful sexual beginnings are my wounds and he has been a match. I know that going in to the pain and releasing it will break the power of his seduction. I am replacing the illusion of him wanting me, with the true power of me wanting and loving myself.
Hi Ruth,
Yes you are so true, all the knowledge in the world can’t heal that trauma and pattern, just as knowledge does not heal any significant trauma and pattern.
Many, many women (and men) in this Community including NARP members … have suffered original sexual abuse, it is such a common original boundary violation and trauma that creates ongoing patterns with abuse – the ultimate boundary disintegration.
NARP effectively heals that by tracking through back to that original trauma (and all others) and up-levelling it.
The article I wrote about https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-50-shades-of-the-narcissist/ covered off a lot of the sexual skirmishes we can be in.
It is so so wonderful Ruth that no only after you seeing the hook and the pattern for what it is that, you are most essentially wanting to go directly to the trauma to release it and replace it – so that people at this level will hold no attraction for you – and you will be on a totally different trajectory of true love rather than sexual mining.
Great work and thank you for your post.
Mel xo
This rings so many bells! I found myself able to express some of my survival programmes, which I knew were there from past counselling, in words that I’d never been able to find before. I just so wish the next tele-class wasn’t at such an impossible time for me where I will be. (Starting at 3am while on holiday with friends…) Are they always at the same time? I guess when they come from the other side of the world someone’s going to struggle!
Hi Gail,
I am so pleased this resonates with you!
Gail please know the tele-class is recorded, and then you are sent it. You don’t need to do it live – and there is no decrease in its healing effectiveness in the recording!
You don’t miss out at all!
Mel xo
The narcissist who was the reason I worked the NARP program around was a somatic narcissist. He had a lot of pretty obvious sexual abuse issues. That was what connected me to him, and my own wounds were very similar. I have felt a lot of relief from him after working so much on my own wounds. I saw him in my neighborhood recently, but it didn’t trigger me in the old way. I was hoping never to lay eyes on him again, but hopefully eventually that will be true. I have moved on to working on other survival programs in the Empowered Self Course. I guess I will never get perfect. Believing I can do this healing of my pain and terror is cruc
The narcissist who was the reason I worked the NARP program around was a somatic narcissist. He had a lot of pretty obvious sexual abuse issues. That was what connected me to him, and my own wounds were very similar. I have felt a lot of relief from him after working so much on my own wounds. I saw him in my neighborhood recently, but it didn’t trigger me in the old way. I was hoping never to lay eyes on him again, but hopefully eventually that will be true. I have moved on to working on other survival programs in the Empowered Self Course. I guess I will never get perfect. Believing I can do this healing of my pain and terror is crucial. There’s a lot of wounds to heal, but all that really works is going to my own belief systems and survival programs. I am making this commitment to myself.
Hi Martha,
I lov that you have freed yourself from your trauma and that you are not triggered any more.
That is a wonderful graduation!
We are certainly not here to be perfect dear lady – we are here to get more and more unwounded so that we are free to love life, create and have joy, life-force and fun!!
Soon wonderful you are making that commitment to yourself!
Mel xo
Hello Melanie. Since starting my journey to recovery from narcissistic abuse I’ve read countless books and articles covering topics including shame, narcissism, perfectionism, psychopathy, sibling rivalry and personality disorders. I’ve also read all of your blogs and watched all of your videos. For me, this article is one of the most important I’ve seen as it provides the ‘link’ between what I experienced (the abuse) to how I recover. It’s not until you realise the abuse is really just a signal of unhealed inner trauma and related survival programmes that you can really start the path to recovery. Priceless. Thank you. Martin
HI Martin,
I am so pleased this deeply struck a chord with you …
That was my desire in writing it.
Great you “get it”, and I agree entirely the link is SO important to understand.
Mel xo
Wow!! This really resonated with me big time! Thank you so much Mel for releasing this blog. I’m currently working the narp program and struggling to really dig in and find my survival programs that I know are buried deep.
This has really helped me to understand the programming I took on from childhood trauma that has lead me to attract and sustain 2 painful relationships with narcisisistic men hoping they would provide me with the love, security and validation I never received as a child.
Now I see clear as day exactly what was playing out and am determined to put my heart and soul into healing my defunct programming so I never attract that kind of relationship again.
Thank you so much for covering this topic x
Hi Alyson.
I am pleased and you are so welcome.
How great you can dive in now with NARP with a deeper understanding of what you need to find and release!
Mel xo
Thank you Melanie! As I explained in a previous comment, I was married to a NARC for 31 years. In addition to physical and verbal abuse he used sex to control me…if I didn’t perform the way he demanded he would demean me and ridicule me by telling me I should have been a man. After reading today’s post , now I know why I allowed myself to be abused for so long. When I was 6 I was molested by a teenage boy. When my mother found out what happened she put me in a hot bath and said, “if a boy ever does that to you again , you will die.” Then she left me alone and never spoke about it again. My mother abandoned me and for years after that I wished I was a boy so I wouldn’t die . Somehow my NARC picked up on that “gap” in me and used it to manipulate me. The good news is that I discovered breath work with a coach. During one session, I had the experience of being an embryo again and I felt totally safe and protected . I have never felt so safe in my life. The breath work is literally burning the toxic trauma out of my body . It is amazing . Melanie , I am curious if your NARP program is similar to breath work . At this point I have come a long long way but I don’t know if I have graduated yet because I have not allowed myself to enter into another relationship . For the first time in my life I have male friends who I feel totally comfortable with. But I still wonder if I will ever be able to trust myself with a man in an intimate relationship . I also wonder if I can attract a masculine man who will respect me . Could you write a post on how to proceed in dating , how to write an online profile that won’t attract NARCS , what kinds of pictures to post , and warning signs to be aware when online dating? Thank you Melanie , you are amazing!
Joni, I can so relate to what you have shared. I was groomed, sexually manipulated and raped at 13 by an older boy. When I confided in my mother, she told me not to dare tell anyone else about it, as she was not going to have the police coming to the house – what would the neighbours think? She said I must have done something to invite it, that men couldn’t control themselves once they were given the “come on”…..???? I would find that almost laughable now, if it hadn’t been so devastatingly damaging to me. Joni, as a result of working NARP and healing childhood wounds, I simply don’t encounter narcissists any more, and more importantly, I don’t FEAR attracting them. Good luck and much love xxx
Thank you Sylvia for sharing your story, your wisdom and your love .
Hi Joni,
that is wonderful that you have accessed the trauma inside you, connected the dots and know what needs to be healed.
Yes Quanta Freedom healing (in NARP) is like breath work, but arguably more specific … in that it gets in deeper, targets more effectively what needs to be found and released and also provide the Source State (Higher Power) replacement which can heal what we just can’t (from a limited human perspective anyway.)
Breathwork is wonderful in that it can release trauma, but where I found it lacking (I did a great deal of it as well as many other modalities before I birthed QFH) .. was that it did not have the “essential Source replacement” which not just releases you from past trauma, but grants the all important SHIFT where you can instantly evolve yourself from a trapped skirmish to a new empowered state on that topic – IMMEDIATELY.
Which, when we are dealing with many many wounds, is much more preferable in order to get traction moving forward … as well as be able to access states and ways of being (and trajectories in life) that we have NEVER had access to previously.
And this new access is granted with the absolute organic knowing of how to do them – the beingness – without us having to cognitively learn or have it modelled for us.
I hope this makes sense!
Really the bottom line is you have to experience QFH personally to really understand what I am saying.
Its something that is deeply embodied and known, rather than something that can be conceptually understood.
Mel xo
Wow Mel, this is such an important article. I totally agree that our wounds never start with our Narcissistic partners……they go back waaaayyyy before that. When I first realised that I had been abused in childhood, it was intensely painful to look at my parents as they really were. I wanted to blame myself, rather than admit that they were less than perfect, which might mean having to accept that they were’nt capable of loving me. They were of course, wounded children living in deeply unconscious adult bodies – they were doing their best with their limited resources. My biggest, and most damaging limiting belief was “I shouldn’t be alive – my birth was an accident, my life is a mistake and my existence has caused untold misery to others”. This belief surfaced while doing a Module. I went back to being in my mothers womb and hearing horrific, vicious rows between my mum and my much older half-siblings who were disgusted that mum was pregnant again at the age of 42, to the latest in a long line of boyfriends. I can totally get why they felt angry…..their childhoods had been horrendous because of mums Narcissism and self-absorbed behaviour. But it resulted in me feeling unwelcome in the world before I was even born. I always felt like an outsider, like someone who had gate-crashed a party. This of course led to many maladaptive survival programmes. I felt that I had to persuade others to “let me stay alive” by pleasing and grovelling, showing them how compliant and “good” I was. Of how useful I could be to them. I was terrified of being “outed” as someone who had no right to be here, rather like an illegal immigrant. This was a huge factor in my playing small, flying under the radar, hanging around in the shadows, because being in the spotlight may have caused me to be annihilated. I have been able to reassure my unborn inner child that she is most welcome in the world, that she is connected to everything and everybody, and is an integral part of the Universal Jigsaw. It makes me wonder how many others have belief systems that were formed in the womb, as a result of absorbing what was going on in – and around – their mothers life at the time. I would never have located that frightened unborn child without NARP…..my life has changed so much for the better as a result. Much love Mel xxx
Hi Sylvia,
I am so thrilled you have been on this journey for a while, and been able to break free from these big and powerful Survival Programs!
OMG your childhood was soon full on, starting from way before you were born! Is it any wonder the traumas ran so deep?
It makes so much sense what you were playing out and why.
Bless you Sylvia you are such an inspiration for this Community!!
Mel xo
Hello. I want to do you programme as I was narcissistically abused but I have a personality disorder (BPD) and I am worried that I cannot be helped. Are you able to help with people who have a personality disorder? Thanks xx
Hi Bea,
there are many people who have worked with NARP who have been diagnosed with PDs with success.
My belief is that the PD is a symptom of emotional and / or genetic DNA trauma and when we are willing to meet the trauma in our bodies and release and up-level it then we can heal considerably.
I would always recommend keep seeking the medical advice that you may be working with in conjunction with NARP.
I hope this helps.
Mel xo
Thanks so much for your response, Melanie. It helped a great deal. xxx
Hi Mel,
Thanks for another great article!!
But how do you know if something is a survival program, or own own blocks to love? There’s that Rumi quote that goes… “your task is not to seek for love, but to seek all the places inside of you that resist it.” I probably butchered the quote but I hope you get the idea.
This question is what’s kept me hooked, and has kept me trying over and over again.
I definitely see where I have felt something was “off” but continued forward anyway.
I used to reason that my fears / suspicions of infidelity, manipulations, that something just wasn’t right, were reflective of the level of deep love I felt — that I was so afraid to lose him, that I ‘invented’ stories to protect myself from surrendering to love. I often found that when I was around men who felt safe, I wasn’t attracted to them physically, and thus I didn’t have those deep suspicions come up, because I wasn’t afraid to lose those men. See how confusing it can be… I’m even having trouble explaining it. Do I have a deep-seated belief that I can’t have everything I want in a man, that if I want an honest, loving, steady man, I’ll have to settle for one who I am not physically attracted to? And that if I am attracted to one (in my mind, if I “love” him), that I will be on pins and needles waiting for the other shoe to drop… wondering if he’s faithful? If he’ll abandon me? I’m not sure.
With Narc #2 (I’m on #3 now), I lectured, prescribed, argued, shouted No, and always felt suspicious that he was cheating. He told me I was crazy, and over time, I began to believe this, as I did not trust myself any longer. Turns out he *was* cheating, over the entire relationship.
We split up, and I promised myself that if anything ever felt off with a future partner, that I would trust my gut and leave.
Yet here I am with Narc #3. Something has often felt off, but I have often thought it was my own blocks to love.
I have not lectured, prescribed, argued, or shouted. In fact, save for a few times that I chased after a discard, for the most part I have held steady with myself, and refrained from lashing out at him. Especially the last 6 months, as he was in relatively steady contact to try to get me back, but I resolved to take care of me first, by saying no when it didn’t feel right to see him… as I felt i needed clarity, and felt I had gained strength in myself, so his pursuits felt vaguely manipulative and insincere, so I continued to say ‘no’ to meeting up… Until I felt ‘ready for my next lesson’, is the only way I can describe it. I suppose I blamed myself for being reactive with Narc #2, and thus blamed myself in part for his infidelity. So with Narc #3 I have not been reactive; It’s like i need to prove to myself that his behavior is not my fault. Yet he keeps blowing hot and cold, discarding me, and something feels off even when he’s in pursuit again, yet i don’t trust the origin of this off feeling.
I thought if i stay steady, and take care of me, all will be revealed. I just want clarity… can I trust my gut?? Or is my “gut” just me preventing love from entering my life? I know you have mentioned twin flames before, so you are likely familiar with a popular underlying belief in that theory, that we are clearing out wounds and purifying, and that it is never the other person’s fault or abuse; it is our own.
So we finally met up again, it was pleasant. He said nice words about wanting to try again and knowing it’s up to him to make it right. I thought to myself “nice words; let’s see actions”. Sure enough, after one more meetup, in which I resolved to have a nice time but refrain from intimacy until I could be sure he was sincere, he discarded again.
So, I find myself confused. Some days I think ‘thank god he’s left, this is an unsteady person’.
Yet, can it not also be true that he sensed my distrust of him, my resistance, and resolved instead to pursue someone who will give him the ‘goods’ more readily? I know that if I hang around someone who I feel is resisting me, it doesnt make me want to pursue it further; it makes me back away.
So now here i am, confused about what’s a survival program, and what’s my own resistance to love? Is there a way to tell the difference? Thank you so much, Mel.
Hi Sophie,
My pleasure!
Runi had it 100% right – in that we are the generator of our own experience as per the emotional composition we are carrying within us.
This goes for all faulty programming including Survival Programs.
It can be SO compelling to believe the fears are to do with love – they are not – they are to do with faulty painful inner belief systems and then getting to live out the validity of those beliefs with people who represent them and co-generate them with us.
The reason why you couldn’t feel attraction / connection to men who didn’t represent these beliefs was because you were not an emotional composition (chemistry) match to them – your Inner Being was on a trajectory of living out those painful beliefs.
The bottom line is THIS – you need to do the inner work of tracking through those terrors and fears of men who cheat and leave in order to clean it up within you .. and this is NOT a cognitive job.
It is only through working on your subconscious that you will get there.
What is happening now is your are TRYING to work it our logically, and I promise you that when we do this we are not even on the football field let alone near the goals!! You need another way, another process that DOES work, and DOES clean it up.
And I promise you WHEN you do, you will be wildly attracted to good men, totally repulsed by ones that aren’t and it will be wonderful!
But that is NOT going to happen without doing the inner work!
You are presently in the thick of the pattern Sophie with people who continue to represent the pattern, and that being my greatest suggestion is LET GO and do the work inside yourself and don’t connect with men until you have cleaned it up.
Its your only way through to where you REALLY want to be.
Come into my next Webinar Group https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar – and commit to the work, and you will be getting there before you know it.
Mel xo
Thank you so much, Mel. I so appreciate you taking the time to reply, as well as appreciate the content of what you’ve said… I keep re-reading it. 🙂 And, I have signed up for the next webinar. 🙂 Thank you, thank you!
Sophie – bless!
You are SO welcome.
I am so glad this “spoke to you”.
Mel xo
Hi Melanie,
I’m not sure how old this thread is but your post, followed by my fellow journey-ers is totally enlightening. I came across your blogs when, infuriated that N husband is leaving me, I was searching for answers on why he was displaying no emotion whatsoever. Interestingly, the week prior to my frantic searches, I had sat him down and explained very calmly that I had found out more lies, and that the last one had fried my brain – in an effort to save his job which he can’t manage, told his boss that the reason he couldn’t concentrate was because he is going through a divorce.
So. This brings me to an astounding series of events that rang all my bells! He got so wound up that he had played himself into a corner where there was no other option than to be forced to divorce me… In order to maintain the False God Facade he pretends to be. First I thought it was funny that he had managed to tie himself up in so many lies that he had to sacrifice his main meal supply: me.
I am a firm believer of soul contracts and I have done much work on myself gaining clarity on the ‘why’ and ‘how’. However, since reading many of your posts, I was knocked on my a**!!!! The blinding reality of what I was REALLY doing to myself made me ill. I had consciously taken on these “narc science projects” for most, no…. Probably all of my life. I had done so much work on Ascension meditation, advanced prana yoga, body talk and other tapping modalities that I thought I could battle any ‘dark’ that came my way. That is, until after I had resigned from 8 companies I started, he pushed me and I got a severe concussion. It has taken a full year to recover. This lesson, has been the most difficult of the lot.
He quietly surrounded me with his friends, who like a pack of Narcs, each individually broke me down and slapped the ‘crazy label’ on me and therefore justified and supported the Pack Leader. Condoning his cheating, lying, manipulations, joblessness, moodiness and general narc-isms that everyone here talks about. When confronted in a sane (I say that it took much courage, determination and carefully wording – or so I thought) conversation, he would fly into a rage where his face contorts. He hurls the most unimaginable insults and breaks stuff.
This brings me to the best part, he was so obsessed with controlling me that he managed to bankrupt himself. I have managed to start a new career but it’s consulting and even though he has a job now, I make 3 times what he does. This was a huge win for me because I had suffered under a subconscious program that a man needed to take care of me.
Since I have read your blogs, which give me strength when I have my panic moments… I have tried working on myself using the tapping techniques I’m trained in. There have been a lot of shifts for me and certain parts of my body that were aching, no longer feel like that. What started out as a search for some sort of retribution or justice has turned into a karmic healing on myself!! I absolutely celebrate you, the work you have done on yourself and now, the incredible work you are doing for others.
You are the star that has guided me out of a 49-year stay in a desert. I finally have a word to assign to this abuse, which started in the womb (my mother tried to ‘get rid of me’ – her words) to now. More so, I know I can heal myself! I am enrolled in your webinar and very excited to continue picking out gems out of myself.
Thank you! And thank you too to the other people who share so lovingly so that people like me can “wake up”!
Ang xo
You have changed my life.
Hi Melanie,
Thank you for all you do!
I have a question and I wonder if I am doing my response due to my survival program??
I’ve recently felt this gut feeling, this is not right, about a man I’m seeing when hearing a story in his past…10 years ago. Several triggers….
not owning his mistakes, bragging about himself while diminishing the 2 women involved in the story, and a triangulation phone call from one “ex he broke up with 2 months ago” to the new gf one day at random. “I have no idea how she even got her number!?!?!” He says trying to make her sound crazy. Well… of course I ask A LOT of questions. I assert myself and speak up. I have asked multiple times and have pulled away a lot and have expressed that I don’t think I can trust him because I know I’m not getting the full story. I explained my trigger of feeling confused and having holes in the story and not owning accountability UNTIL I speak up about his faults….
My gut was this is wrong. My lack of trust in myself and others goes to “He’s a lyer like everyone else and is probably lying now about everything he’s told me.” Is this wrong of me??? At times I feel like I’m crazy and just acting out because of my past marriage to an NPD. I try to see the good in people and assert myself when I see wrong. My gut said, this is bad. We’ve talked and his story doesn’t change and he won’t admit he was cheating or whatever… he owns in a halfway sort of way not fully. Do you ever think our “gut” and triggers can be due to our past and we are projecting them on to others in the present? Someone could have a past or even have a narc trait but not be a bad person… am I justifying? Am I living out my Survival program?
Hi Angela,
I am very happy to answer this for you.
The truth is you have already answered this for yourself … regardless of your past, if someone is not giving you straight answers … it’s not okay.
How often has our twisting gut turned out to be right? There is a reason for this.
Mel 🙏💕❤️