A dear friend of mine Marie, an active contributor in this Community, wrote to me a couple of weeks ago regarding one of my latest ThriverTv episodes.
Even though her message started off as humorous … it really got me thinking.
This is what she wrote:
“OMG Mel – How ice cream doesn’t go on top of poop!!!
Thank you for this video on self-partnering. Amazing that we can become addicted to new, but really the same, external focus, even though it falls under a new category called “self-care”. We easily slide into this trap by seeking comfort outside of self with all these new external “distractions” – distractions, while yes, are soothing and have not been made a priority by us before in the past, but distractions nevertheless. This is a much needed explanation – perhaps even long overdue. I am guilty of this type of self-avoidance through these new distractions. Lies we tell ourselves (I am taking care of self by doing xyz for me… Are we really?). Still doing, and not “BEing”. Still seeking external comforts. All things in moderation. Nutrition is important. Skin care (it is an organ) is still important. Exercise, yoga, meditation, still important. Hair care, manicures and pedicures, massages, therapies, important.
But it can easily snowball into a new obsession, further distracting us from doing the inner work, shifts and connecting.
Thank you for this reminder (first time I’ve heard it out loud, but since it is Universal Truth, it is a reminder of what once was forgotten, and therefore, is a reminder)! Xo”
This was my response to Marie …
Yep Marie Ice-cream on top of poop from all accounts is “s*#t”! You are so welcome … and very very true outside distractions are the human norm, until we have had enough of the results of self-avoidance … (which really can be anytime the “wake ups” strike) … I agree all the self-care things are great – but the ultimate truth is there is no greater “self-care” than going directly to trauma in our body and releasing it. I do it ALL the time – as soon as it is felt … in the car, out walking, in the shower, on the loo LOL. The reason being managing wounds means “distractions” are needed … whereas dealing with wounds means we are free to BE without needing distractions – and there is a HUGE difference.”
After writing Marie back, I knew this conversation was leading into a deep dive into a very necessary conversion that I have been wanting to have with the Community for a long time – and that is about being addicted to self-help and WHY that is not the healing answer.
Why Self-Help is Not the Real Answer
I used to be addicted to self-help.
I mean that literally.
You see … I had always had anxiety and been fascinated with spirituality and personal development, and TOTALLY needed to do it in order to try to feel sane.
The reason I needed to do this, was because my head never stopped thinking.
I was always ruminating about the past hurts, trying to project better thoughts into the future, and was quite frankly a squirrely balled up mass of nerves in the present.
Could I just relax and “be” in the now?
Could I enjoy anything great that happened in the moment? Yes, fleetingly … but then I was back on the old hamster wheel of the pain of the past and the fear of the future … unless I was doing something to distract myself. (Even though I thought I was really “fixing” myself!)
What I did find is, if I wasn’t doing spiritual or self-development processes, things would get worse. Addictions would take me over. Things like drinking, smoking, the wrong men, partying and getting up to mischief – the choices that I would make to self-medicate to avoid my over-thinking that was driving me crazy.
In truth the only time my head could shut down was when I was in an altered state, because then I couldn’t think!
When I was fully committing to spiritual and personal-development, it was “better”, because apart from amassing “information”, I would eat better and exercise and I would tell myself I was “healthy” and “spiritually developed”.
And I wasn’t drinking or smoking as much or doing destructive things to myself.
But was I really better?
Was I really healing?
No … I was simply attempting to mange my unattended to inner wounds.
Self-Help as Another Means of Avodidance
The truth was I had JUST “switched the bitch for the witch”.
I was still an “addict” – meaning that I had unhealed anxiety that I had never got rid of which required “distractions” (addictions) in order to take me away from the rumbling (and often roaring) of these inner wounds.
Without knowing it, I was using spirituality and personal development as “buffers” between me and my wounds … they were self-medications rather than true cures.
If I was not carrying so much trauma inside my body, maybe spirituality as it is would have been enough to personally heal me, but as I know now … intense trauma that we simply “have”, “are born with” or “has accumulated” is NOT that easily dealt with.
And because I was carrying so much Crisis Consciousness I was over-functioning. I wanted to make sure I dotted all the I’s and crossed all my T’s. I wanted to leave no stone unturned making sure I had done enough of a good job of self-help and self-care that I was actually healing and changing.
Because in reality I was terrified that if I didn’t, the walls of life would cave in on me because it felt to me that if I slowed up with my efforts of “working on myself” that something would go horribly wrong.
I really believed and was living the experience that I had to put in supreme effort just to be “normal”.
So as well as spirituality and personal development I would get on health and fitness kicks, and I was fabulous at those too – they were COMPLETELY obsessive / compulsive.
I’d exercise, diet and go FULL ON into ways of living and being that were quite frankly fanatical.
And the sad thing about it was … I was SO hard on myself; I was my own drill sergeant. I did not listen to what my body and soul needed, rather I kept pushing it relentlessly toward what my mind believed it needed – to be a “perfect healthy, holistic, spiritual person” so that finally life could go right for me.
None of this was coming from a place of ease, grace and wellbeing. It was all about fear … the trying to stay one step ahead of my wounds and somehow find a way to survive myself.
Yet, it did not matter what spiritual practice I went into or what diet or what exercise regime I immersed myself in, I was always with myself and my unattended to Inner Being who was simply being forced into more and more ways to “be well” – yet wasn’t.
I didn’t know it at the time, but now I do … all I was doing was finding yet ANOTHER distraction to separate me from facing my inner wounds.
And this became extremely evident every time I took my foot of the pedal and eased up with these practices. That was when anxiety and pain would strike again, and then the old unhealthy addictions would start up again.
I would have a “blow out”, and regress and self-sabotage again.
Are you relating?
I know many, many people will and do!
Is Self-Help Bad For Us?
So you may be thinking – okay you are saying spirituality, personal development and eating well and exercise are NOT the answer.
Please know this … I am not telling you to throw the baby out with the bathwater.
And as you know I was recently extremely passionate about promoting Arielle Ford’s and Claire Zammit’s Art Of Love Series with you – because it was so richly full of WONDERFUL self-development information.
Such information can be great for people who are not dealing with INTENSE trauma trapped in their bodies, which people who have been narcissistically abused are.
And self-help that is truly transformational is incredible in value and effectiveness, IF we have the room in our being to take it in.
If we have TOO much trauma (which is common with narcissistic abuse) as Marie and I discussed, we really are trying to put “ice-cream on top of poop”.
And … what I am about to say may shock you … as well as go against everything you may have ever believed.
If “spirituality” “personal development” and “health practices” are being used to try to manage your intense trauma by distracting and self-medicating you without every DIRECTLY facing and dealing with your substantial inner wounds – then you would be better off never meditating or reading spiritual literature, eating MacDonalds and doing no exercise … and instead JUST facing and dealing with your inner trauma directly in your subconscious and up-leveling it so that it just doesn’t exist anymore.
The reason being – because nothing else is every truly going to heal you – at best all it will do is help you distract you from fully feeling and dealing with your pain.
In relation to extreme trauma, we cannot heal for real what we are not prepared to feel (self-partner with) and the crazy thing is we are taught EVERY way to not do that.
Including spiritual and personal development… unless it REALLY is about us connecting to ourselves and self-partnering.
Pain and trauma inside us is not just an energy signature (emotion) it is a part of our DNA wiring, our Survival Programs, and an embedded imprint which has literally become our Inner Identify.
That is our “emotional composition” (Who We Are and what we create with Life) until we release that trauma and make the space for something better to emerge within us.
Things Don’t Heal Us – Our Natural Ecology Heals Itself
When we start living without our trauma – we come back to our organic True Self State.
When we free our physical body of trauma and toxins and grant it an environment to heal itself, it does … and so does our emotional composition identically without our trauma (the emotionally painful events that have happened to us or been passed down to us genetically in our DNA) and the toxins (the negative beliefs that go with that).
Without these dense energies, we become healthy and naturally emotionally well.
Before we experience the shift to free ourselves of trauma and toxic beliefs, the energy signature of fear, pain and judgment continues on …
And, as a result, we feel unsafe within ourselves, with others and with life, and we continually try to find ways to subdue and survive these feelings – which is always a job and a battle – because the trauma inside us is screaming constantly as soon as it has space to be heard.
Repeating the same frantic request every time, “Please come to me, help me and free me from this problem” …
Which is exactly what the signal of emotional pain and discomfort has always been about. No different from a fire alarm sounding, an electronic warning appearing on your car computer screen, or your cat screeching when you stand on its tail.
Is it any wonder the human race has become so sick in its relentless insistence to ignore the inner screams?
How crazy is it to think that ignoring the screams would make the inner trauma go away?
Did ignoring the SIGNAL of the fire alarm EVER put out a fire, or ignoring the car flashing warning EVER fix a car, or blocking you ears to your cat and not moving off its tail EVER relieve your pet of it’s pain?
No more than ignoring our inner self EVER got us out of continually battling trauma.
There are many insane protocols on our planet … but this has got to be one of the most insane – believing that masking, medicating, numbing out, or distracting ourselves from our traumas create Real Healing.
It doesn’t – it does anything but …
It simply creates more dysfunction, more emotional, physical, mental and spiritual breakdown and more requirement to use addictions / distractions to try to burn off the pain and anxiety.
Ironically, many people get involved in spiritual practice and personal development to find peace from their intense trauma, and what they don’t realize is they aren’t. They are simply – no matter how many books or seminars they do – finding more and more ways to avoid going DIRECTLY to their trauma and actually healing it.
But how can we blame them? Like myself they had no idea that there was another way … a real and direct way to heal.
We believed managing our wounds would heal them.
We didn’t realize true healing is releasing and being completely free of our wounds so that there is nothing to manage.
And it isn’t until we make it our mission to be free of wounds, instead of trying to battle them … that we discover that we do have the power to BE in life and DO stuff in Life – not as a requirement in order to try to emotionally survive – but instead from a place of ease, joy and freedom.
THAT is our True Self State.
How Do We Know When Our Spiritual Practice is Not Working?
Initially in this Community when I would meet yoga instructors, spiritual teachers and people who were impeccable with their self-care and spiritual study and discovered that they were still deep traumatized and struggling, I was really surprised.
I expected them to a) not really be susceptible to terrible abuse, and b) if so to have the tools to heal from it.
Now that I know so much about the profile of people who are most likely to be abused by narcissists – I know that people connected to spiritual practice and personal development (like myself) rate very highly.
The reason being is: many of us had deep original wounds wounds that led us to spiritual practice and self-development in the first place. And healing ourselves was not remiss because of lack of effort. In fact many of us in the quest of trying to survive our wounds have put in a ton of effort.
But we didn’t know that the “spiritual practice” was only a “management tool” and never truly healing us. And as the unattended wounds grew in velocity to try to get our attention, the “spiritual practice’ ante needed to be upped.
Many of us were doing HOURS a day of self-help in order to try to be at peace.
Let’s have a look at some of the personal feelings we can suffer when our spiritual and healing practices are not truly healing us.
- I have been doing healing for years / decades and yet my life hasn’t changed.
- If I stop doing healing practices, I feel terrible again.
- I am frustrated that I always have to do so much healing on myself.
- I am searching for my “key” to heal myself, and I have done so many things but I haven’t found that key yet.
I have met countless people, like myself, who had done “everything” – every spiritual practice, yoga, different courses, seminars, read countless books, had spiritual cleanses, colonics … diets, you name it … all and everything we can think of – but it wasn’t until they removed trauma from their Energy Fields emotionally and vibrationally that they were able to live Lives free of trauma.
That is my total personal experience as well as the the one that I take a stand for.
Every time I hear of someone attempting to manage their extreme abuse symptoms, and not deciding to address their intense trauma within … I think “I wish you luck with that.”
The Simplicity of Healing
True Healing of trauma is simple – but it has a catch.
Namely … “Are we prepared to meet ourselves?”
Meaning, are we able to drop ALL distractions on the outside to just sit and be with ourselves, take our consciousness inside our own body and be with our wounds with NO masks “warts and all” in order to self-partner and shift our trauma out?
Notice that when you start to think about this that you may start getting edgy and distracted.
All of a sudden there may be ten different excuses running through your head such as: I’ll start that tomorrow; I have this or that to do – that can wait … or … I think I’ll start by reading that book first.
And EVEN if we are going to take action to heal, we may be more engineered toward seeking logical information that we think may help us, or seek out strategies to “do” rather than just SIMPLY being with, facing and going inwards to ourselves to be our own savior .
Which is EXACTLY the power we have … 100% … which is to heal ourselves.
Everything else is not the direct path.
Please understand I am not saying information is bad – it isn’t. And when you learn how to be self-partnered and shift your own Subconscious Programs … information is a magnificent tool, a supplement to help you connect to the powerful inner shifts you want to reach for.
(That is exactly how I use information that emanates from within or comes to me from without, such as the Art Of Love Series which I am currently enjoying greatly as a POWERFUL expansion tool …)
However, seeking information without committing to our Inner Being is still self-avoidance, and when we are self-avoiding (especially when we realize HOW important it is to spend the time to self-partner within) often it may be because our ego does not want us to be free of fear and pain.
Unconsciously we can be addicted to being a victim, and being stuck in Survival Programs believing that we need fear, pain, anxiety and judgment in order to keep safe.
It’s all an illusion of separation – that we are separate from other beings and Life itself – out on the edge having to defend and protect in order to survive.
We did not know that once we become unwounded enough, that we can show up as a True Authentic Radiant Self, who will be more safe, powerful, magnetic and co-generative than we ever have been in our entire life.
And we did not realize that hanging onto our pain and victimisation and fear meant that every wound we had trapped inside us would continue to bring us the evidence of that wound in harder and heavier ways to get our attention so that finally we could release that wound from within us.
So we tried every new practice, every “this” or “that” … every technique … read every book to try to find the “answer”.
One of Buddha’s fables is sooo important to understand in this context …
Three men came to Buddha to ask him where and how they may find their Divinity.
Buddha told then to follow their hearts and start searching.
These men had no idea where to go, so they came up with a plan. One was to search the earth at ground level – every nook and cranny. One searched every mountainous peak. The other searched the depths of every ocean.
The men returned to Buddha empty handed and they pleaded with him to tell them where their Divinity was.
Buddha said, “It is only through exhausting every avenue outside of yourself that you are ready to hear the answer. Your Divinity had always been within.”
My Life Now
What a change my Life is … and the simple formula I now have for spiritual practice.
One that releases me from the efforting, the searching, the relentless effort and the previous times of self-sabotage – my wounds having their way with me again and then having to drag myself out of a black painful hole again, and then having to commit even more intensely to spiritual practice again – to “heal” again.
It was an exhausting vicious circle that I was never getting out of.
Which then of course brought all the self-recriminations and doubt, “Why on earth is this NOT working?” … “I mustn’t be doing it right! I mustn’t be doing enough!”
Good grief it was exhausting!
It was a TOTAL “ice-cream on top of poop” scenario … over and OVER again!
Now, and for a long time my spiritual application is SIMPLE.
This is how it goes …
I fully meet my wounds to release trauma out of my body so that I have more space for Lifeforce and Love to enter.
This is a purposeful switch from being trapped in Survival (trying to survive my traumas) to allowing Creation to have the necessary space to rise up within me (having insight / inspiration / Joy emanate from within.)
I have for many years been my own healer from trauma. Meaning I don’t go to therapists to tell me what is wrong with me or how to heal it.
There is no need to .. and I don’t say this from a position of ego or superiority … I am saying this from the absolute knowing of a truth which exists for every one of us …
It is only our own personal subconscious which holds onto our own personal UNIQUE trauma and it is only through directly meeting, being in contact with and releasing this trauma from our own Inner Being that we get to live free of it.
No one other than ourselves can “guess” what that is, or connect to it energetically, be with it emotionally and purge us of it … that job is ours.
Yes, there are energy healers such as great kinesiologists who deal with DNA ancestral trauma as well as childhood and present wounds … who can access and shift energy from your Inner Being … however if you need them all the time to do that for you, then you are still co-dependently reliant on someone outside of yourself for your own emancipation – which is not true empowerment.
It means you are not self-actualised yet.
My greatest passion is to teach people how to be self-partnered, self-generative and their own profound Inner Being healers to the level where they will never need me or any therapist ever again!
Then, as I do, we can reach outside for further supplements to expand and grow – and we are effectively putting ice-cream on top of cake!
We live in a time now of heal thyself … where we do have profound super-tools that can find, shift wounds and replace our trauma instantly with higher functioning energy (whatever your understanding of a Higher Power is) that has the ability to miraculously heal what our limited minds and personalities can’t.
Since developing and using this tool to not only heal myself from conditions that were deemed a medical impossibility to heal (a complete psychotic and adrenal breakdown) I have also been able to evolve beyond all sorts of levels and states of being that I used to live
No longer do I google, research or seek advice regarding my trauma … I just go inside and release and up-level the wounds.
Because rather than taking the indirect and long way around (the cognitive path) trying to “manage” or “learn” my way out of the trauma that is causing me to operate in fear and maladapted ways, I just become instantly free of trauma and emotional toxicity (faulty beliefs) one wound at a time.
We all have that ability.
The super-tools to create such shifts in our subconscious are available now.
Organic “becoming” is the New Healing Paradigm. It is the understanding that when we get a shift in our subconscious that the brain pathways immediately ALSO shift to reflect the change – meaning WE naturally just change – and we do it instantly.
We have literally become a New Self on every topic we shift. This means no longer do we battle with the components of the wounded Old Self. They are simply gone …
This means that the wounds actually reduce and rather than the same wounds repeating – we are emptying out the “wounded container” which gets less and less … Meaning that we have more space for organic joy, inspiration and creation which just gets more and more.
And we know we have made it “to the other side” instead of feeling like we are always treading water.
Neuro science is now proving the truth of this in real time – the filming of the brain synopsis pathways immediately letting go of old pathways when work is done to shift subconscious programs and instantly (under microscopic camera) forming new ones.
This is NOT spiritual woo-hoo – it is literal science.
After our previous struggles of TRYING to heal ourselves, healing ourselves in the New Way can seem too simple. And it is that simple … but for many it isn’t because to meet ourselves – to be with our wounds with an open heart and open mind fully accepting their existence in order to work with them – initially terrifies some people. Only because we were programmed to run away, cover over or project onto others those parts of ourselves that we would rather NOT look at.
Yet, when we self-partner without judgment and make that our Highest Calling (because it is the foundation of our entire life) we wonder how on earth we were trying to survive ourselves, others and Life as a result of NOT doing that.
Self-partnering (the meeting of our Inner Being fully) is exactly what TRUE evolution is all about.
It is the total up-level for our entire planet – one person at a time.
So I hope that this information has helped you understand why maybe why your spiritual practice has helped manage but not truly healed you … and what may be truly necessary in order to heal your deep traumas for real.
And please know I would love you to join me in my next Live Webinar Group and Facebook Workshopping to teach you inspirationally and lovingly how you too can become self-partnered and become your own direct and powerful healer.
And I sooo look forward to answering your comments and questions from beautiful sunny, relaxing Hoi An in Vietnam.
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