Maybe you know or suspect you have a covert narcissist in your life now and perhaps you are BEYOND TERRIFIED of experiencing another one AGAIN.
Covert narcissists are amongst the slipperiest and most dangerous, because they are the hardest of all to detect!
Yet…TRULY, it is NOT true that you are defenceless against them.
It is my greatest wish that this Thriver TV Episode will take away the fear of covert narcissists forever, and even excite you about your possibilities going forward…
Video Transcript
Today I want to expand on recent TTV episodes helping you empower yourself against narcissists, and in this video, I want to talk about how to flush out the sneakiest and most cunning of narcissists of all – covert ones.
These are the ones who slip through and take you in – cleverly and expertly. Think con ‘person’. People will tell you there are no defences against these people but there is – truly.
And this is really important knowledge whether in love, friendship, family affairs or business. Thank God we have the way to recover from covert narcissists now, and those of you healing and rebuilding from this, just as I wanted, there is NO WAY you wish to repeat another relationship like this again.
So, watch this video today to learn how this is JUST not possible.
Now, before we get started, if you haven’t yet subscribed to my channel please do. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.
Now, let’s start learning how to flush out a covert narcissist before it’s too late…
I’m going to start backwards from the END goal and grant you all the stuff in-between to do this. And today is a workshop, where if you really are serious about empowering and inoculating yourself against this, I’m giving you some homework to do.
All the looking out for them in the world, may not allow you to spot one, and also if you are still unconsciously handing power away, even when things may seem a little off, your brain will organise itself around the still unhealed inner parts of yourself and make excuses as to why not to listen to or back yourself.
So, let’s start with the end goal which is looking at what it would look like to be impervious to the deceptions of a covert narcissist.
It would mean being secure enough in yourself to take your time to get to know this person, whether it be romantically, in a business sense or even a friendship. Meaning you do not let people fully into your heart, life, body, bed, bank account and resources until you have taken the time to get to know them.
And then when ‘stuff’ arises that is questionable, you get straight to the point, question this person, calmly and clearly without guilt or remorse, require accountability, honesty and proof regarding who they profess to be, and if you don’t receive the validation and truth and solidness that you need then you don’t proceed, let go and move on.
So the real questions here are – are you willing to take your time to get to know someone?
Are you able to stand up and speak up without the fear of the repercussions if necessary?
Are you able to say ‘no more’ and leave this person without trying to fix, change and hope to make questionable deals work?
These are the real questions and criteria (if you graduate) that make you TOTALLY impervious to any narcissist no matter how covert they are.
And the real question under all these questions is this … (which you may have heard me talk about at times) ‘Are you empowered enough to LOSE it all to GET it all?’
These are all your end goals. These are the only way you can ever, as a healthy adult, be the generator of your incredible life and FULLY get out into life without fear no matter what anyone else is or isn’t doing.
Let’s start peeling all of this back one at a time.
Taking Time To Get To Know A Person
This is the deal, narcissist – even cunningly covert – screw up. They have gaps, over-inflated egos, the inability to process delayed gratification, disappointment and not getting what they want healthily. They need to move things along whatever their agenda is, quickly, in order to get the energetic payoff of the energy expended on it. They have chinks that become obvious if you are assessing someone’s character and past and taking your time to ascertain them.
If you let someone move on you and in too fast, which is foolhardy anyway, and only possible if you are bewitched by someone’s love-bombing’, then you can be taken in. Otherwise you can’t.
This is where I want you to deeply self-investigate any gaps that you may have, emotionally inside allowing yourself to be love-bombed whether it be a friendship, love relationship or business deal, or by any narcissist in your life.
What I want you to do, is when doing this, is to take a few deep breaths and really connect with the feelings inside you. Please know your answers are NOT in your head, they come deeply from within your Inner Being. This is why the Thriver Way to heal is so powerful and effective, because we get to the truth of what is going on inside you and work with you there. This is the only way we heal from patterns that aren’t serving is and break through into becoming a New Self where Life and Love does work.
Start with this question:
‘With whom did I hand over my trust, love, sex, resources, time, efforts or money, quickly without getting to know the character of this person?’
Take your time to really be honest with yourself and write your answer.
Then let’s go deeper. I want you to ask yourself,
‘What did I think I would gain from them by trusting them so quickly?’
Again, be lovingly self-honest. Was it love and companionship? Was it a better life than the one you felt you were having without them? Was it relief from loneliness and sadness?
What was it? really tune in and feel deeper into this. And write as much about this as you feel compelled to write.
Now let’s move on to our next level of deep understanding and self-transformation…
Listening To Your Inner Voice When ‘Stuff’ Happens
Believe it or not, all of Life and your soul is designed to back your Highest and Best Life, and we GET the warnings we need. These come in the form of inner cues – but the greatest issue is that we have been so disconnected from our Inner Beings that we don’t trust them.
Narcissists know this, and when ‘stuff’ crops up with them – the usual cracks that all narcissists display, and/or we deeply feel in the form of ‘something isn’t right’, they will look you in the eye and know that most people – despite the inner warnings will choose to believe them.
Or if they need to take it to another level, they will have already identified an inner gap you have, such as fear of confrontation, inability to speak up, feeling like you don’t have the right to be heard, or feeling wrong when trying to be, and will guilt and confuse you out of investigating and finding out the truth as well as laying clear, non-negotiable boundaries.
We SO have to work our way past this.
This was huge for me. I was the person who liked to be humble, speaking up to me felt like grandstanding, demanding and I even felt like exposing someone that was ‘wrong’ was too uncomfortable and horrific to do. I much preferred to brush things under the carpet and just hope for the best.
Now I know how deadly that is. That pattern in my life nearly killed me. We really need to agree, after being smashed and nearly destroyed by narcissists, the price is way to big to pay to keep doing this. If you are with me on this – and you are ready to stand up and stop doing this – write in the comments below – The price is TOO big to play! No more!’
Not long ago I had a massive graduation on this score. Someone in my life delivered a BIG pathological lie that was a narcissistic betrayal. I didn’t have proof. They tried to guilt me out of my questioning for answers. I trusted my gut and investigated and caught out the deception. Then more lies came, which I again investigated to discover more deception. I obtained this knowledge by questioning people about the person’s purported activities, who knew this person and got my evidence – without being worried about what these people may think. The health of my soul was more important, and I was thrilled to know this person had no place in my life anymore (which I had suspected for a while) broke all ties and applied block and delete.
Also, not long after that, I had an event when my gut fired, and I wasn’t sure about someone else’s claims in my life. I told them I would check this out for my own benefit – and if they had not supported this, our deal would have ended there and then. It all checked out and I was able to proceed to the next level with them.
If there are times where I feel uneasy, I will do all that I can to back myself, have the necessary difficult conversations and know that real people are not threatened by this, when it’s done with love, authenticity and self-honour.
So really this is a huge area of a minefield for us – because of the fears of C.R.A.P., being the fear of criticism, rejection, abandonment and punishment if we speak up. The old me was in dire straits with this – I didn’t speak up or investigate or stand up for my rights at all. I had to do a lot of work on my Inner Being with this, which many of us after narcissistic abuse must do.
Our necessary inner reflection starts with these questions:
‘When I ignore my Inner Being – why do I do that?’
‘What am I scared about happening if I was to confront and speak up?’
‘Do I let people talk me out of investigating and following through to find out the truth? Why?’
‘When I discover truths that aren’t aligned with my values, do I self-abandon and make excuses? Why?’
Please know by connecting to your Inner Being lovingly and supportively and really feeling deeply into the true reasons why you have been stuck in these patterns, you will start to know what you need to work on to never be taken in by any narcissist again.
The truth is if you don’t do this work, then Life will keep delivering you one narcissist after the next, after the next, no matter WHAT you learn about them because these people are only catalysts; this is really about healing YOU.
Okay so now let’s look at this huge BIGGIE …
Leaving the Person and the Deal You Thought You May Have With Them
I’m going to cut straight to the chase here with a truth bomb.
The only reason we hang on to abusive people and hold them responsible for our lives is when we are not being the Source of what we want from them in our own lives.
I know so many of you may say, ‘But it’s not that simple, I have children, connected businesses and property. I can’t just leave this person’. The truth is hanging on doesn’t bring any relief, happiness or health. And many of the people in this community who did let go, despite enmeshments and even co-parenting, discovered that when they healed and rose into their power to be the Source to themselves and their children without reliance on the narcissist (who absolutely uses this as a hook against you) that the narcissist ceased to have power over them, and that they and their children fared so much better.
The real truth is, there are hooks that keep us connected and until we accept that these are the things that we need to turn inwards and heal within ourselves, we will cling to people who hurt us, and experience the same narcissist – or narcissist upon narcissist in the future.
I so hope you are getting this from a deeper perspective now. No amount of researching or learning about narcissists is going to save you from this fate. Only healing yourself ever does!
And we can be really deluded about this. I was. I thought because I was intelligent and capable that I wasn’t needy, empty and suffering survival fears. Yet I was, absolutely. I had shocking inner beliefs and traumas about there being something wrong with me if I was single, and also that I needed a man to survive.
I also had terrible fears of abandonment. It wasn’t until cleaning these up that I knew 100% no matter who it was in my life, I would leave in the face of abuse. And I have ended relationships, friendships, business deals and anyone who oversteps my boundaries and values. It’s clean and easy now because I don’t need anything from these people. Rather, I am now a firm and solid source to myself able to share my life with healthy others – but I can assure you it took much NARP work to get there. Thank goodness I did it! The relief is indescribable now! I barely resemble my Old Self!
Okay, so these are the questions, to ask yourself regarding this and close your eyes, connect with that deep inner truth of yourself and ask these questions.
‘What are /were my fears about leaving?
‘Why do/did I hang on, even when it is/was incredibly abusive to do so?’
‘What was it or is it that I don’t feel like I can provide for myself?’
Please know these questions will grant you some very valuable clues about what you need to heal, to never again hand you power over to people who hurt you. If you heal these inner parts up into a healthy solid inner adult, you will easily say when the abuse starts, ‘NO deal. And you are NOT my reality!’
Okay, so in closing this is all leading to being willing to Lose it All to Get it All.
Which means giving up the notion of Life the way we thought we were going to have it, when it clearly isn’t being healthy for us – and be willing to let it go, go empty, be aligned with our truth and values and let all of Source, Life and Creation itself deliver to us more of Who We Are BEING – which is what these forces are always doing.
What you will tolerate and accept is Who You Are.
What you already feel as warm and solid and complete as a feeling inside you is Who You Are, regardless of any real physical evidence of it yet.
THAT Is your organic state when you release and reprogram the traumas that are not allowing you to be this person.
Covert or any kind or narcissists have absolutely no part in our lives with this level of inner development.
Does this help?
Have you had enough of the pain yet of trying to work them out, the narcissists – instead of sorting yourself out– to change your life? If so, it is time for Thriver inner development, and I promise you it is incredibly liberating and fun and such a relief to do it. Your True Self and Life will start to glow and grow in time frames and ways that will stun you.
So, to get started click this link and join the thousands of Thrivers in this Community.
And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.
And as always, I’d love to answer your comments and questions below.
The price is too big to pay! No more. No deal! You are not my reality.
^^Yes! I wrote that, blocked and deleted, my lazy, no good boyfriend just 3 days ago. Love bombing, confusion, all the physical stuff, and con man deception. I’m highly educated and divorcing another narcissist and then realized my boyfriend was too. Everyone else knew there was something wrong with him. But I denied it. But then I said enough is enough!
I love you Mel! You save my sanity. And I am going to do the inner work to recognize the warning signs I felt, saw but ignored!!! No more. ♥️
Hi Daniela,
This is great that you have said ‘enough is ENOUGH!’
Awesome you are going to nail this pattern with the inner work!
It’s your time to Thrive.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I can relate to all of this, however, what if the covert narcissist is your adult child? This has been going on most of his life, towards me, and I am at breaking point with it 😟 I’m desperate to know how to deal with this situation. My father is a full blow, text book case narcissist, I blocked him from my life 6 years ago. I read and educated myself on narcissism, from yourself, thank you! And books etc to deal with my father.
I was going to say exactly the same thing – yes, what if it’s your adult child and going no contact means having no contact with your grandchildren as well?? In comparison, going no contact with my ex was easy. I can’t just turn off my love for my adult son and grandchildren and never see them again……
I am in the same exact predicament. But I can’t tolerate my son’s disrespect towards me and now I’ve gone “no contact” with him he’s taken to doing this to my granddaughter. I have just started Melanie’s NARP program and expect to have many more tools to deal once I’m finished. But I never expect to have a relationship with my son. It’s just too painful. What I do have is a relationship with my Daughter-in-law and that keeps the lines open to have information and connection with my grandchildren. I don’t even think my son realizes I’ve gone “no contact” with him. I moved several states over to take a job and did so willingly. I don’t email him…don’t call him…don’t text him….just do this with his wife. I often send gifts to my grandchildren. My son is probably oblivious, stuck in his own egotistical world thinking that no one would do that to him and I’m fine with that.
Do what you need to do to remain safe and don’t worry about what other people say about it.
Hi Jane,
This may help… https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=sFpcTHrmw2c
I so hope it can.
Love and strength to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Thank you so much Melanie 🥰 I am now going to watch this. Is this written up anywhere to read? I think this is something I would like to have access to read and reference too xx
Hi Jane,
You are very welcome. Here is a blog resource for you on this topic.
https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/what-to-do-if-your-child-has-narcissistic-tendencies/
I hope this helps.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Very life changing content!!
Thank you for sharing your story to help us see the truth of it all.
Hi Pamela,
It’s my pleasure
Bless you!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Very life changing content!!
Thank you for sharing your story to help us see the truth of it all.
Mel,
It is so true that the covert is harder to spot right off the bat because they’re not so “in-your-face” about their entitlement and can even appear self-deprecating and sympathetic. BUT, there are always red flags. I think one of the secrets for me is, when I spot a red flag and notice myself making excuses for them I ask myself:
“Do I think I NEED them?”
….. for whatever reason. Because if answer yes to that, then I know I’m running my old patterns of survival and am at risk of compromising my rights in order get what I think I need from them.
Everyone needs help from time-to-time, but genuine people will help you out of kindness (or payment in terms of business transactions) but narcissists always want leverage.
Hi FMJ,
That is such a great gauge…I totally agree!
If we have great boundaries and due diligence people can’t broker a deal against us in their favour. It’s just not possible.
We can be kind and self-responsible simultaneously.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
After 12 years of dealing with his Narcissist mother, we finally figured out she is not a good person at all, but he refuses to let her go. He actually feels bad for her, which he knows is her biggest tool. I cannot make him, nor will I try. She verbally attacked our son because she did not get her own way. More than 4 times but the last was enough for me.
I refuse to tolerate her anymore. She has brought out the worst in me, but her son and I bring out the best in each other. It is heartbreaking.
Hi Mel
I did the ‘loose it all to get it all’ 14 months ago and have been diligently working the modules and healing the wounds. There is something that I still struggle with that comes up again and again and was a feature whilst I was in the relationship (with covert/altruistic N) and that is a) Wanting to believe the best in him and b) Not wanting to believe how much he played me against myself with this and the damage to my ego! Surely some of it was real for him!
The ‘going empty’ is extremely difficult for me. I tend to fill the space with trying to understand what really happened and questioning ‘did that really happen?’
Which module is the best one for healing the pain of being abandoned by him? (even though I left him) It feels so big in me that I think I avoid it with my over thinking and trying to understand what happened. Also, which module is best for the hurt ego of being played and being hurt in the process of having what is good in me turned against me. ie giving him the benefit of the doubt, being forgiving, believing in him, not giving up on him, being patient, facing my own insecurities about receiving love, questioning and self-examining if I was being sabotaging by focusing on and confronting him on his ‘faults’ etc. All because it seemed to be 90% fantastic and the belief that relationships take work! I think that the pain of abandonment is intertwined with this because of how much I had invested only to learn now through what you have taught me that his consistency in turning up in the relationship (including couples counselling) was not because he was equally invested in a good outcome, but he was there absorbing Narcissistic supply. So so so painful still.
Thank you
He sounds very similar to my covert/altruistic narc ex. We split up 6 and a half years ago, and went no contact. I felt very much the same as you do and thought I’d never get over him, it took me about 3 years to really get over him and I have hardly thought about him since then. The big shift for me was when I finally accepted that he had never loved me and had just been using/abusing me. Then it was easier to let go and focus much more on loving and caring for myself. Good luck xxx
Hi Allison,
My heart goes out to you still feeling this pain, and it totally is very traumatic reconciling this when it is so painful!
Module 2 is powerful for shoring up the parts of us missing anything from the n.
Also The Source Healing and Resolution Module can be powerful to shift any state. NARP3 version is granting people fast and powerful shifts.
Myself and the other Thrivers can also help and guide you to help shift this with Module work in the NARP Forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
I hope this helps.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Thanks Mel
Module 2 has been very powerful for me and has uncovered some childhood memories around trying to win love and approval that have helped me link what was taking place in my relationship with N. I will go back into it again.
I’m not sure which number module is The Source Healing and Resolution Module. Is that one only available with the gold membership?
Allison
Hi Allison,
That’s great that Module 2 has helped so much.
The Source Healing and Resolution Module is a part of the new NARP version 3 Gold upgrade.
You can contact the support team if you wish to activate your upgrade at [email protected]
I hope this helps.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Allison
I too suffered so much but I kept looking forward. There were times I’d question myself asking why but kept putting in back in the trash. I took me a couple of years and it had a process. I does heal over time. I know because for the very first time in 2.5 years I seen this person with the woman he married in less than 6 months when I walked at an event 1 week ago and there was not one feeling towards him it was like he never existed for me. And it was him who was trying to get my attention on that very night by prancing around when he could inviting his wife to do the same. I laughed inside and enjoyed the evening very much with love and laughter in amongst real people. Let go look forward and never look back.xx
Thanks Laura. I am having more days where I can feel myself looking forward instead of back. Getting there xx
Hey Melanie
I love this work but I feel stuck and I am procrastinating…
Any advice on these topics? My brain seems to be ahead of my beingness…
Not sure how to get past it
Robyne,
Come into my free workshop and you will understand how to shift past the stuckedness and align your being and your brain.
I take you through exactly that!
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
Mel 🙏💕❤️
OMG I have been trapped in the cycle of “my gut is telling me its a lie….but I shouldn’t investigate because I will look like a lunatic”. Which is what I am called by him. A trawler and a lunatic. I watched this video and it confirmed that I deserve to know the truth. I am making a big decision to move interstate with my children to be with him but having a long distance relationship has made it difficult to know the truth on things. There are always other women on his phone, calling him, even having lunch with us etc when I am with him. Today I learnt its Ok to investigate and ask questions if its to protect myself and my children. It was as though I was given permission to find out the truth to back myself and to stop the pain. And to not feel like there is something wrong in doing this.
Thank you.
Please have some self-respect and not even waste your time/energy to investigate. Go no contact instead. Even if he is innocent re other women (unlikely), the “no deal” red flag of him calling you those awful names even before you move in with him is enough for you to leave him, because that shows he has no respect for you and will treat you worse later. He sounds like my covert narc ex. Save yourself and your kids before it’s too late.
fwiw, I agree — why be with someone who calls you names, who is already undermining your sense of reality by calling you a lunatic? Step back…no need to investigate. Do it for your kids as a model of healthy living and self-care!
Hi Angela,
I think you really do need to investigate. Follow through and back your gut.
Are you prepared to back you and your children’s health and lives if you find out the worst?
Wishing you the truth.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Mel!
I LOVE this video!! I don’t know how you do it, but your videos and information just get better and better (and they were amazing to start with)! You are so on point! And thank you for being real and sharing your experiences. I believe that you are inspired by a higher power, which allows you to bless all of us with the information that you give. Thank you, beautiful soul!!
Hugs, Shanni
Awww Shanna,
Thank you for your beautiful words.
I really do believe for all of us, the more we release trauma (any dense energy that arises) the more room there is to fill with Source.
It’s the Quanta Freedom Healing process for me that helps this happen!
Much love
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Mel, I dated three Narcs in a row, over the span of 8 years. Two coverts, one Overt. The coverts came after the Overt. They all moved quickly which I now look back and think, why did we have to move so fast? why did I fall for the love bombing, the answer, because I was lonely, I wanted attention and affection. It was exciting and I love being in love. The overt sent me to the hospital with a panic attack, the first covert, pushed so hard then ghosted when I did not reciprocate as quickly. And then I was contacted by his ” crazy ex” which I wish I would have listened to, instead I thought I was being nice and let him know she had contacted me… The last covert Narc was the ultimate lesson, he was the most cunning. And also did not meet any of the values I have set for men to date. NONE, no job, no friends, no past history of good relationships, no money, no ambition, addicted to sex, no belief in a higher power, he had what looked like a decent family but even that was non existent. and he also had the ex, the triangulation that what led me here. After not being able to prove that he was still in contact, but he was slipping up and thinking he was talking to her and not me, comparing etc.. the whole triangulation thing. I had enough and finally said good bye but I could not get him off my mind. I thought about what went wrong for years afterwards and then a chance email brought us back together, briefly but this time, I had my guard up, I listened, I did not jump into anything and that make him angry, he could not handle my asking to go slow, questioning why he insisted on moving quickly. I am so very happy to have had that second chance with him, to see the real him without being in that lovebomb high. It helped me see everything so clearly, I’ve never thought of myself as unintelligent or needy but I know I have issues around self love and fear of abandonment and now I am working on me, so I will never let another NARC near me again.
So to answer the questions.
‘What are /were my fears about leaving? being alone, not finding love again
‘Why do/did I hang on, even when it is/was incredibly abusive to do so?’ because I kept believing he really wanted to change, to do the work and be a couple. He was very convincing that he wanted a relationship
‘What was it or is it that I don’t feel like I can provide for myself?’ I am still thinking about this because he gave me fake love and fake attention.. I am not sure what I need to provide for myself that I was seeking from these men.
Hi Kelly,
Thank you for you leading in such a powerful way here with your self honesty.
It takes great courage.
This is so wonderful how you see that by changing you, you will change your entire life.
Sending you blessings and breakthroughs.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Mel,
This video has touched every fibre of my being. This is the most validating message that I have received in the 3 years that I have been following you. Please know that you are changing lives. Thank you for being with me in this journey. I would not be where I am if not for you. I am filled with gratitude.
Hi Marie,
I’m so pleased this really spoke to you.
Thank you for your kind words and please know how grateful I am for you too.
Much love
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Thank You again for your amazing work!
This video is really good. I find the most dangerous those covert Ns who enter into your life right after the overt/covert N who messed up your life. Or, if they are flying monkeys of the overt you’re dealing with. Damn they look so good and innocent and know the game so well. It took 7-8 years to get back on my feet, read: to discover your NARP! 😀 That was the key!! 🙂
Covert N in my life erased my identity so smoothly, that it was almost impossible to address. It messed up my head totally. It was perfectly used gaslighting to turn myself against myself and kill my soul.
I’m “back now” (on my way to becoming new me!!), thanks to NARP. It’s the most inspiring selfhealing program ever. I believe in the future again, and I believe, that more and more people are learning healthy self partnering and self parenting, and it’s becoming new normal!! I’m so happy about it! Thank You Melanie!!
Warmly,
Siiri
Ps. I wrote afterwards some feedback to the video about peptides (if ever comes chapter 2 about the topic. So interesting topic!)
Hi Siiri,
I am so thrilled you are coming home to your True Self and Life with NARP.
I can feel you glowing from here!
Much love to you Dear Lady snd I look forward to reading your reply.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Melanie, could you also mention a few points on how to flush out a borderline type before it is too late-also an emotional nightmare to be in relationship with and often a byproduct of an enabling narc parent relationship?
Melanie, could you also mention a few points on how to flush out a borderline type before it is too late-also an emotional nightmare to be in relationship with and often a byproduct of an enabling narc parent relationship?
Hi Chris,
Our boundaries, sensibility and self value all apply regardless of who we are dealing with.
This is about ourselves, it’s not even really about them.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
An inability to confront and speak my truth is so my problem. My mother is a narc and has always hated me. I was not raised with the tools to defend myself. I have known this for some time and am having a horrible time breaking this pattern. I believe and know the first step is to admit the problem and then get to work on it. Your videos and articles are of tremendous help. I will keep watching and reading and also pray to God to help me. Thanks, Melanie.
Hi Kathy,
I am so pleased that my material helps, I’d love to help you heal and break the pattern.
Please check out my deeper inner transformational resources http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
They will help you a lot.
Sending you healing and breakthroughs.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Thank you for your videos. I have cleared the narc in my life however quite sure my son is going to marry a narc (repeating my mistakes). Is there any way I can help him see the person she really is? He seems so unhappy (as I did) and I am paralyzed by fear of turning him away from me by expressing my concerns. He is now a father and I don’t see this going well. She tells him she will take the child and leave if he does this or that…
Hi Mall,
It is very painful watching someone we love so much suffering.
The truth is that your son is doing his own soul journey, and if you try to change him he will be likely to only push back harder.
I went though big stuff with my son regrading his choices too and being helpless to intervene.
What I discovered, as many parents in this community have, us when we healed with NARP our fears and feeling re our children and then were able to shift into seeing and feeling our children as whole and coming into their soul power that’s exactly where they rise into…
I have seen this be the most powerful solution possible on many occasions.
I hope this can help and much love to you and your son.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
You are adorably sweet Melanie! i found these videos a little over a year ago. I believe, you were the first coach I have discovered. Believe me, you are a life saver! Five months after I have figured out what I was dealing with I left & went no contact, from my psycho jerkaholic! It has been over a year now & I just went no contact, from my entire family. They all know what he did & it gets uglier than I will admit, but they also drag me into this mess & treat me like I don’t deserve to exist. The whole family doesn’t bother with me at all, not even at Christmas. I’m suffering from server depression, BUT I’M DONE!! My eldest is my main concern, she physically hurt others, including me. She talks to my husband, knowing how bad he was, but has a hard time giving me a few minutes. I’m sure she is a narcissist, but I also feel she is a flying monkey & an enabler if all three are possible, at the same time. She used her husbands name to get on Linkedin, but it didn’t work, he is premium. I told her stay off, but she tried again. She set me up an account, so we can talk, because she doesn’t have the time for a phone call. I’m not buying her BS. She gave me white sage to smudge & my birthstone, which is purple for protection, but won’t say why. I’m going out & getting pepper spray, that marks that person with ink & a stun gun. I have my door blocked the apt. couldn’t get in & I’m getting an alarm. I’m going to need them. I called her over a week ago & she hasn’t called me back & she seldom picks up. I had it!! I set my boundaries in stone. Will NOT let anyone abuse me or use me. Not interested in a man or people in general. Self sufficient & I need no one. I’m very lonely, but don’t want to break out of isolation. I clean, moving, researching, advocacy, & other things, but people are out. Nasty, frauding hurt everyone they can, because they can. Insult anyone who doesn’t agree with them, fraud, scams, lies I HAD IT!! I was sharing these videos, but no more, it brought more nastiness & people did not want to hear it. Everything I do someone has a problem with it, so I’m strongly involved with finding cures & stopping fraud & taking care of me. I need to make a bit more money, but don’t know how I’m going to do this, because of my health I can’t work 9 to 5 & I don’t have any urge to be around anyone. Life is too much of a chore & I’m barely hanging on. I just don’t want to fight every darn day of the week. I’m exhausted & have been since fall of 2017 from an attack & looking the other way. If you respect me, I’ll respect you, BUT YOU DO NOT WANT TO CROSS ME.
Oh gosh, Mel, this one was a game changer for me. Thank you!
I’ve been working through NARP and making so much progress. This may sound silly, but recently I noticed that I have boundaries, and I tend to let people cross them. Why!?
No more! I feel like the self-work you’ve suggested in this video will empower me to actually enforce my boundaries. And I’m looking forward to it too.
Hi Natasha,
How great this video is a breakthrough moment for you!
You will dig out and shift those deeper inner reasons with NARP now.
Many continued blessings.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
The price is too big to pay it allways was but not any more youare notmy reality.
ive been single 2yrs now. ive worked the Narp program. im feeling ready to have someone in my life again. yes, im lonely. but i think in a healthy way. I have met someone, he is 11 yrs younger than i am, but he is 39 and has a 21 yr old a 14 and 9 yr old. i also have a 6 & 8 yr.old… he works alot. he is very nice, ive been told by his coworkers that he is very nice. He calls me beautiful and says he wants to get to know me.. BUT, days will go by and he wont text me. or he will.say he will.come visit.me and work too late and fall asleep. this makes me feel horrible. BUT my question is, I have never been in a “normal” relationship. I want love bombing. Maybe he is perfecrly normal by continuing to.live his life. we arent committed to each other. we only just met about t a month ago. But i want to talk everyday and see him a couple times a week and keep moving forward.. so is he normal? am i an addict? ifni text him and he doesnt text back for hours, im devestated, if he doesnt text a good morning text, i think he doesnt like me…. whats normal?
fwiw, Jess, sounds like you need to find the self-love inside you that you are looking for from this man. I would say put the focus on understanding not him, but yourself. What is it inside you that feels horrible and devastated (such strong words and feelings!) when he doesn’t visit or doesn’t text back? What’s going on inside you that his actions or inactions make such a big difference? What is it you need from him that you could give to yourself? If he doesn’t text a good morning to you, do YOU still like you? That’s what counts! It does sound to me like some unhealed parts of yourself are active here.
Hi Jess,
My first suggestion is that you pull out the NARP modules again to clear what is arising for you, so that you are connected to your inner power and clarity rather than being triggered into old unhealed wounds.
The next thing I would suggest is to be very honest with him about how it’s not okay to say you’re coming and fall asleep.
How I would put this is: ‘the dating experience I am seeking is consistency and actions matching the words. if that’s not you that’s okay, but it’s what I require.’
Then let him respond. He’s either going to start moving up into honouring you …or he’ll make excuses.
This is the dating stand you need to and deserve to stand in. This particular issue is not going to transform otherwise. He can only respect and commit to you if you respect and commit to you.
If he doesn’t he’s not your guy, and then the right one can appear.
I hope this helps
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Good morning here in NY!
I have “flushed out” my covert narcissist former best friend several times, and of course, she comes back for more every now and then. She does not get or respects my “no contacts” boundaries. Her coverts way makes her so charming and it is really annoying to have to do this every time. She now contacts my daughter to invite us for dinner. Her daughter is very good friend of my daughter which i respect entirely. Luckily the daughter lives in a different city. I had left you Melanie a comment in a different video about the frustration/fear of confronting Narc when she contacts me or my daughter (recently) and it feels like this video really answered me. For me, i was seeking her for relief of loneliness and as you said, was self abandoning by reacting with fear of “now what do i do?”and frustration, wanting to say “leave me alone!” I will now answer these paralyzing fears with “I am the source of my own happiness”! I hope i understood these tangled emotions clearly. It takes time to break those thought patterns and we must have patience and self love with our thriving journey. Thank you for all your love, kindness, and devotion. 💗🌹🌹🌹
Hi Joelle,
That’s so great you turned inwards to feel into this!
Once you do shore up that part of you, your boundary will be definite and permanent.
No-one can break or get through our no contact policy when we mean it.
I’m so glad this helped and please know Dear Lady you are very welcome.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
i thank you for your response 💖, yet i do not understand that no one can break or get through our no contact policy when we mean it!… do you mean that narcs (covert or overt) are expected to break those boundaries because they will incessantly try to break our boundaries? Or does it mean that i must confront and say once and for all “leave me alone” to her. I have told her that our paths have changed and i cherish our memories but have no interest to continue our friendship. she keeps trying and this is where my frustration lies. I usually give her oneor 2 words answer (texting) like thanks you too (usually wishes or invites) i don’t reach out but she does.
I am the source of my own happiness” and yet still confused. Oy! 😒
Hi Joelle,
Our boundaries are up to us. If we tell someone our relationship with them is finished then it is about not responding to them.
At all …
Have you meant and told her that.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Dearest Mel, Thank you for taking the time. I have told her when I initially did the NARP work. I am working on boundaries because i am too careful in not hurting people and used to self abandon rather than telling them the truth that hurts. She is a covert one so very well liked/loved by many. I Also never had closure per se (beside the NARP work) because i could not explain the work I did. She would not understand and put blame back on me as she often did.
I understand what you are saying now. I was preserving our past friendship and kept her at a distance mainly because our daughters are friends but i will have to be explicit and firm and mean it once and for all! Do not respond!
Thank you 💖
Hi Joelle,
You are getting this and that’s great!
There is no closure with ns ever! Around and around it goes!
The true boundary is we get it, execute it and mean it without them needing to understand, agree or be accountable.
Because that doesn’t happen!
Good luck with taking the necessary stand.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I found out after almost 17 years of marriage that I was married to a narc. I knew the relationship was difficult, I never received any kind of true intimacy from this man, but I didn’t have anything good to compare it to. Of course everything always ended up being my fault, so I was always on that cycle of trying to make things better. He also loves to triangulate me with others and because I have struggled with being a people pleaser that has hindered me too. I am working hard on that.
Through videos and counseling I realized that even though the narc was not physically abusive, he was very emotionally, financially and even sexually abusive. The only way I could explain it was that it felt like my soul was in deep grief due to this relationship, his favorite tactic was long periods of silent treatment. I had a lot of anxiety, and eventually I lost all desire to be with him, but felt guilty about feeling that way.
My leaving went against my faith in God and I didn’t feel I was free to walk away. I never gave up crying out to God or continuing to try to figure out how to make things better. Once I got good at establishing better boundaries and also following through on consequences, I was finally discarded and it happened fairly quickly. As far as any attempt on his part to work on the marriage, he was done and I could tell a line had been crossed for me. These boundaries and consequences were not going to budge and I think he finally realized it. He didn’t leave the home, but he quit all counseling, the abuse worsened with more threats, financial abandonment, threatening to taking custody of our children, etc….
Due to my faith in God, the finances, being out of the workforce for over 10 years, and 3 children that I would need to make provision for, I was not able to leave right away. I had to prepare. I used that time to continue to get strong, to learn what I could about narcissism, to gather evidence of his abuses to protect my children, to start job training and to save money. It was painful to have to stay in the home with this man because during this time I finally found out he was unfaithful with numerous women, he is a closet homosexual, addicted to porn, allowed alcoholism to get ahold again and more. His mask came fully off, but the only reason I knew is because he was ignorant about covering his tracks. He continued to lie. He is still currently trying to maintain that mask even with me to some degree. He has no idea I know the things I know, my lawyer knows things, the judge knows things. This will be a big narc injury when it all comes out. I know his plans are to “come out publically” after the divorce to cover his own butt. At this time he has no clue that his coming out will be sooner than he thinks. He has been so cruel and tried to make me take the blame for the marriage falling apart. I have been faithful, truthful, supportive, encouraging, etc….. I will not take the blame anymore.
I now realize he targeted me because of my strong faith, my work ethic, my success, my empathy and capability to love. He needed a cover because he couldn’t be honest with himself or others, in the process he has tried to destroy my life and my 3 children’s lives. His demand for supply has left us all with low self worth, anxiety, confusion, stress and heart break. But because of my strong faith I have realized my worth is not wrapped up in him, he doesn’t deserve me or these beautiful kids. I have someone to turn to when I am feeling anxious, confused or stressed. My heart is healing daily and my kids are doing well.
I’ve since filed for divorce and I am currently battling to keep my children safe. He seems to have developed a sexual addiction along the way and along with alcoholism I am greatly concerned for my children’s safety. The court so far has agreed with me due to the evidence that I have been able to obtain and they have ordered supervised visitation only. We go back soon to see if that will be continued or changed. The behavior is actually worsening, so my prayer is that he will have to continue being supervised.
I have had to start completely over, he destroyed my successful business when I became the stay at home, homeschool mom to our three kids. I’ve been out of the workforce now for 10 years.
Sometimes I admit I do feel stuck because it sucks so much time and energy just trying to keep my kids safe, gather as much info as I can to ensure their safety, but he is giving me plenty to gather. I am beyond ready to move on and be done with him. I find no pleasure in knowing about his escapades, but it will be worth it if it keeps my children safe. That final court date can’t come soon enough.
I feel like I’ve made a great deal of progress. I have no hatred, bitterness or anger towards him, but I also have absolutely no desire to have contact with this man again. I now see him for what he is and that he is not capable of real love and I have let him go his own way.
I realize I am worthy of true love and I will not give up on the idea that I could possibly meet someone who has those same characteristic, yet I will be fine if that never happens. I do not miss him and I am excited about moving on with my life without him. I feel like I was doing a lot of work before I even filed for divorce.
I’ve always been a hard worker, goal oriented, decisive person. I went through a lot of confusion initially until I learned that the chaos and supply is part of the narcissism. Now I am not confused, but still feel stuck at times. Maybe it is just that things are not moving forward fast enough. Court dates, custody issues, having to reestablish some kind of career this late in my life, 3 minor children to think about. If I could go completely no contact and be assured that my children would be safe into adult hood it would be absolutely no problem. I wish he would just walk away, but I can see that he is still trying to keep his hooks on my children. He’s found an endless supply of source in the lifestyle choices he is making, but I guess the children are too good of an opportunity to pass by.
I don’t believe I will ever allow my heart to be given away that freely again, but I also don’t want to go to far the other way and lose those good qualities of empathy, love, humbleness and kindness. Even if I never marry again, I would like to always strive to have balance and good healthy relationships with people.
Thank you for your videos they have been really helpful.
Hi Wendy,
It’s wonderful to see you made it here! Kudos and blessings to you for being strong and taking the steps you’re taking to heal and protect yourself and your children.
When Mel replies to your comment and links you to her NARP program, (I’m assuming you’re not yet a member,) accept the gift. Mel’s program and community will be key to your emotional development and fortitude as you move forward on your journey to true freedom from the abuse you’ve suffered. I’ve discovered that NARP is the textile of God’s armour. But only you can build it and put it on. 🙂
I wish he would just walk away, but I can see that he is still trying to keep his hooks on my children. He’s found an endless supply of source in the lifestyle choices he is making, but I guess the children are too good of an opportunity to pass by.
No, you had it right the first time:
He needed a cover because he couldn’t be honest with himself or others,
The lifestyle he chose to have with you was a cover (mask) for the opposite lifestyle he has been living on the “down low” (in secret). That you were willing to give up everything to be a full-time wife and mother to “his” children, made him appear as an alpha male and an “upstanding” man, and “good” provider to the outsider. That he was able to isolate you and beat you down, granted him the supply he needed to cope with his self-loathing, shame and whatever else he needed to squelch. There is a reason he needs to project a sense of “normalcy” (by societal standards) and strength. He isn’t “normal” if he is being forced to have supervised visits and he knows it. This means your kids are “at risk” in his company, and he probably knows this, too. “Coming out” in the future will not negate the damage of the past and/or the evidence of the risk he really is. Know that the only way he would be able to infiltrate the boundaries set by the court is via “reform” – whatever the court would deem “reform” to be and still, he wouldn’t be granted carte blanche to your kids out of the gate. From what you’re saying, he has stepped away from any and all counselling and you are still able to gather evidence of his addiction. “Coming out” (projection of “honesty”?), whatever words of “promos to reform”, “apology”, “lies”, etc.) not/will not aline with your evidence, so fear not. Just keep gathering whatever you can as defence/proof that his addiction is too strong and/or he is not interested in changing/is not strong enough to change his spots. The more evidence the better. Be grateful for the truth as it reveals itself to you because the mountain of evidence will serve to protect you and and your children. Do not negate or dismiss any of [it] as it presents itself, thinking you have “enough”. You will need *all* of it because narcs are very good liars and persuaders, especially if your ex narc has a community of supporters. That one “little” nugget you thinking is nothing, might well be the tipping point in your and your children’s favour.
Namaste
Hi Wendy,
Please know you are very welcome.
You are doing an amazing job for you and your children. Well done for letting go of the hooks and emotions connected to him to be the Source for you and your children.
Wishing you wonderful healing, freedom and true resolution.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
“That he was able to isolate you and beat you down, granted him the supply he needed to cope with his self-loathing, shame and whatever else he needed to squelch. ”
Sorry to quote myself but I feel the need to expand on this because emerging from a narc fog can be really confusing. This is how he lies to himself. Beating you down emotionally and into submission, counters his reality. Conquering you makes him “look” strong and dominate, not just to others, but to himself. However, how he “feels” (his discarded self from his childhood,) is the exact opposite. So like a demanding, emotional child, he “made” you fix [it] for him by allowing him to conquer you. And you did by going “all in”.
NARP will assist you in discovering what gap in you enabled his abuse, in the first place. And more importantly, working with the NARP modules will help you to seal this gap (armour) so that you can defend yourself from [it] happening again.
Hi Mel, I realise now that the fear of C.R.A.P is my biggest hurdle and always has been. As a child I was never allowed to have a voice or express my own opinion. Children were seen but not heard. Respect the elders no matter how they treated you. (which was very difficult at times) and do as you were told. The fear of C.R.A.P. was always present. I have never recovered from that upbringing and carried it forward into my married life, in the same exact situation where my thoughts and values were never appreciated or respected or regarded though I did try. Unfortunately, I married a man who treated me the same and I allowed it. It was the fear of criticism, rejection, abandonment and punishment no doubt about it all because I ignored my inner being. Its also acknowledging how I feel. I am not used to expressing myself and therefore don’t know how to voice how I feel about things. This is a huge learning curve for me. There is much to work on in the modules.
This is what I need to target. I still find myself at times ignoring my inner being but I am becoming more mindful now. It is very difficult to break these patterns after all these years but I am already feeling better for myself having made a start. I still worry about upsetting people which pulls me back into line but I am working on it. Finding the real me is a challenge and will take time but I am excited to do so thanks to you.
All I need is to know how and you have given us all the tools. I have vowed never to abandon little me for anyone. But to cherish and love and protect her no matter what. I am the source of my own happiness and I like it.
Hi Shar,
This is great that you are understanding what these traumas are, and that it is so possible to target and release them.
Are you working on them with NARP? http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
Also please know you don’t have to do this alone. So many of us have been there 100 percent as well and can assist with how and what to target and shift out.
Sending strength, healing and breakthrough
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Mel, Thanks for your encouragement. Yes, I am working on them with NARP but find it overwhelming at times as there is just so much and so many years to deal with. Sometimes its hard to know what to move onto next. A breakthrough would be wonderful right now. I will work on it very hard. Thanks again and love from Shar
Hi Shar,
You are very welcome.
Please come into the NARP Forum so that we can help guide and support you.
You don’t have to do this alone http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
I hope this helps.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Melanie,
Thanks for being there. I learned to cherish my ‘little me’, become my own savior, and express my objections publicly to the narc. It sure seems to take a long time though. In the interim I’ve stood up to my brother, discarded him. My ex doesn’t dare talk to me, yeaa. My dead Father and I have made peace but I told him all about my issues. He was in WWII. My poor mother was in a holocaust. I understand the issues and forgive her, she is now dead too. The very young narc is very immature and may or may not make it. I’m not holding my breath for fixes. I’m enjoying my life. I love to laugh and am the first to offer a hand to a person in need. Some people don’t like me because they can’t control me, yet I’m pleasant when we greet and that’s it. My boundaries are clear to myself right from the start. This makes it easier on both of us. If they should try and manipulate me I am pleasant but distant, moving on quickly to the next more fun person.
Some sales phone person decided to tell me off when I decided against his offer and all I could do was laugh hardily. That’s the first time that happened, naturally. I understood his behavior and privately breathed a blessing to his life.
I’ve followed your modules and consulted with your staff on the site. I’ve read your blogs. Narcs don’t threaten me any more and I can speak up to any of them. Christ apparently said the ” unless we become like a little child we can’t get into heaven.” He didn’t mean to be childish but to be childlike, there is a difference! So you go girl and know you are making a difference. Respectfully and happily, Theresa
Hi Mel- I have had 20 years of therapy to overcome significant childhood sexual abuse. When I confronted my father, uncle and others…my ‘family and extended family’ turned away. I am the oldest of four and my father hurt all four of us. My youngest sister ( 14 yrs younger than me) was the only one who believed me. I was grateful for the relationship with my sister, and I gave her as much as any “big sister” would do. My husband and I gave her and her family tons of emotional and financial support for her children and life.
In addition to this she asked to borrow over 13 thousand dollars from us about 10 years ago with lots of promises about payback. We believed her and felt obligated to help..
After her third job loss.. we said we were not able to help her financially but we would let her and her “new” spouse live with us so she could save her severance pay. She lost her kids to her ex… due to her drinking and violence and she has no relationship with them at all. We continued to let her into our lives with tons of emotional support … and paid her and her partners way for both our children’s wedding.
My current pain… is that my sister will no longer speak to me… my reasoning is that she knows how badly I cherished the relationship with her having no one else in my family of origin who believed or emotionally supported me when I told about my sexual abuse. She no longer speaks to me I am assuming because I stopped giving her money as we are 14 years older and trying to deal with retiring. She knows this as well… so I am not going to guess what the reason is for… she told my son that she is ashamed….but I have never done anything but champion her.
I know I have a tough hold on her too as I lost every one else in my family including my perps and mother, aunts and on… ( that took me over a decade of sobbing)…
.I have tried to let go of my sister lately…as I realize this is yet another loss. While I have worked hard at dealing with her loss…she is “linked” to 13 or so of my husbands family so I see her likes, comments and posts` in my facebook and other social media outlets….
I am not linked to any of my siblings including my sister yet over the generous invitations to my kids weddings she is linked with all my extended
( husbands) family. I see her comments and likes constantly and it is driving me nuts…I have no contact with her nor her children as she has no contact with her own children…I am trying to not influence my family in a general way. But I have told my two adult kids not to ever lend her money as she claimed bankruptcy just last year so I can kiss my 13000.00 dollars goodbye.
Mel…please help me unlink from her emotionally even though she has links to my husbands family which I see every day!!!!!!
I know who she is..I think almost…but I don`t understand why she continues to interact with my husbands nieces, nephews, etc and my kids and not speak to me…The only reason I can think of is that she knows this would bug me and of course it does…
Please Mel… what tools do I need to employ so she cant hurt me anymore….
Hi Deb,
I am so sorry that you have been through so much, and what you have experienced with all of your family as well as your sister is beyond painful.
Deb the total answer is NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp That is how myself and all of us in this community (who have) have freed ourselves from unthinkable hurt and devastation.
As a new NARP member you will understand how this system heals you, as well have the support within the NARP community from myself and other Thrivers.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
The price is too big to pay. No more!
The price is too big to pay. No more! No deal. You are not my reality.
Hi Mel
I have been reading all your articles and find them so interesting. I am not even sure how to begin. I do not want to be long. I am in a situation where I believe I have a covert narcissist in my life. It is such an entanglement and I am trying to get clear. This person is my friend , boss and prayer group leader and there have been incidents that have led me to believe that this is no longer a good relationship for me. Passive aggressiveness is one of the greatest issues. I will like to know if she sounds like a covert narcicissit. The first time my gut startee feeling discomfort was some years ago. We work together in a preschool. She is the principal. We had pool and picnic day and I stayed in the pool all day with the kids. She has a back problem so she stayed in the veranda looking on. She took the kids to the bathroom at times.My hours are 9-2 and at 2pm my husband came to pick me up. We were both surprised because we did not realise that was the time. She told me to go ahead and she has the cleaner to help her. I left but felt scared over the weekend. When I got to work on Monday she told me hiw difficult it was for her to finish clean up and if it was not for her brother in law she did not know what she would do. I apologised but she continued to lay on the guilt trip in the weeks to come. She would ask me to do things newr to when it was time for my husband to leave. Then she would tell me to do it quick because when my husband comes I know I will leave.
In recent times she has spoken about something I shared with her on a whhatsapp chat with her. I had confided in her about a friend and she told me to stop being friends with the person. I refused. She went on the chat. She did not mention my name nor my friend’s name but she asked the other ladies if they would continue to be friends with the person. I felt so hurt. There are other things but I do not want to be long. I am thinking of leaving the job. The hurt I feel is alot and when I spoke to my family and fruends most say I need to get out now.
I need of help. I have done your masterclass and I have been reading your email. All are very helpful.
Hi Natalie,
I really want you to understand that this journey in life with people crossing our boundaries is never solved by trying to work out ‘who they are’.
The diagnosis is not important. What is important for all of us is to release our fears of speaking up, so that we can confront, speak up and ask questions and even tell people when something is not okay with us.
If we don’t get to this level, yes you could leave, but you will only ever have another one of these people in your path again! This is a necessary soul graduation for you.
So my most potent suggestion to you is to take your focus off her and take it deeply inside you to address why you are not showing up honestly and directly with this woman.
Also this is about growing into our development and knowing that no matter what the outcome of our solidness and authenticity that the results are meant to be.
If she has the resources to amend her behaviour she will meet you at your higher level of integrity. If she doesn’t then she will unravel and you can leave.
The most important thing is you will have graduated by being and honouring your True Self snd then the pattern of these people can shift out of your life.
Does this make sense?
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I thought I was past letting a narcissist into my life, only to discover that I had done it again this past year.
I ignored all these warning signals because I was not honest with myself.
I failed to realize until just yesterday that I had allowed myself to fall into a relationship that was draining my soul because I was lonely and desired independence from my family who have been supporting me in my time of financial need.
I am disabled and living well below the poverty level.
But I remembered your counciling and all the time spent doing the healing work with the moduals and so I severed the relationship.
It was so liberating!
I feel so good about myself now, although I am struggling to support myself alone and afraid that I will need to move back in with my parents. I just recently realized that my father is a narcissist also.
I’m actually proud of myself for drawing boundary lines and finally sticking to them.
I am no longer afraid of being abandoned or punished for sticking up for myself.
I am not afraid to voice my truth.
Thank you Mel. You actually saved my life.
Hi Pam,
That is fantastic that you backed yourself and had such a powerful graduation.
Blessings and power to you beautiful lady!
Much love and please know how welcome you are.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
The price is TOO big to play! No more!’
Hello Melanie. I’m a little confused as to whether my ex is truly a narcissist. The more frustrated ,rejected, abandoned and unreassured that I felt I became angrier and the words were mean that came out at him. I broke up and kicked him out of my house 5 months ago because he started hiding his phone from me for 3 days after we had shared phones for 6 years. I have cried over him every day since he’s left. He has left his truck that is broken down in my driveway and other items but has come and taken things including alot of my things of value while I’ve been gone. I’m very confused as to my own feelings other than grieving as to why I can’t seem to function. I have lost my own identity and have a serious problem making decisions. I was devistated to find out that an elderly friend let him move into her house without telling me. I very much appreciate your videos as another friend had suggested I research narcissism and I’m gaining insight through you and other utube videos. It’s so hard to grasp that he used me and can leave me in the dust as he was so affectionate and loving. He didn’t work much of the time we were together and then after getting a part time job didn’t feel he owed me much or was appreciative. I put everything into this relationship and he had full use of everything I had. I had a nagging question in my heart – was he here because he truly loved me or was it the free room and board. I didn’t listen to those red flags
Hello all,
Unfortunately, I very recently ‘reconnected’ with an old boyfriend whom I will name ‘J’ over Facebook (together approx. 15 years ago) – we messaged long distance as he is now living in London. In part due to our past history/age difference and distance, I had had no intention of moving it on to something more in the beginning other than close friendship after my terrible marriage and divorce. Over the years J had been attempting to communicate with me but I had ignored these as I had been married at the time, although throughout I could see at times his apparently amazing and exotic new life via Facebook as he moved with the obviously rich & fabulous throughout the world (I wasn’t impressed as such but rather pleased for him). I thought after having a truly horrendous 10 year marriage to a mainly covert narcissist where I suffered verbal, emotional and mental abuse daily including threats to destroy me and my way of life towards the end (even whilst also dealing with my terminally ill father) and so well aware of the red flags of narcissism (both overt and covert) after 3 years of intense book reading and counselling, I would be fully versed to realise another narcissistic ‘attack’ and being ‘hoovered’ back up. But I wasn’t…… and it shocks me that I fell so quickly and so hard – and that most importantly, clearly, I haven’t learned anything from the hell I have quite recently escaped from.
J and I messaged for approx. 4 months and over this time I got unknowingly sucked into the vortex further day by day – he blasted me with a whole load of daily amazing statements about my being wonderful, beautiful, an angelic sublime being, his ‘gold standard’ of love who had taught him how to love and be loved (he was quite a few years younger than me when we dated and I had adored him totally both physically, sexually and intellectually (I fell for him after coming out of a difficult relationship)); he said I had been a major love of his life who had left an indelible in-print on his soul which is why he had never wanted to give up on me and our fated-connection over the 15 years apart…. blah blah blah blah etc etc etc. He apparently had become a very wise man over the years ‘and had learned many lessons through his ‘own suffering’ and now lived by the Buddhist mantra ‘do no harm’… etc etc. He even had some beautiful cats who were his ‘babies’ and sent me numerous cute videos and photos regularly. He said he was now a new more highly evolved being… unlike before.
We ended up messaging daily and I became very very attached to his (eventually) long messages and it has to be said after years of a terrible marriage of being chronically cold-shouldered, gaslighted and verbally and emotionally, mentally abused, ‘his non-stop flattery’…. It all felt both exciting and yet surely safe since we weren’t strangers – right? ….. OMG so very wrong.
He is a highly intelligent man, with a huge depth of knowledge and his messages were very stimulating; of course what I now know these long messages (and hours of live messaging throughout the night) were ‘tailor made’ exactly for me and my tastes – his photographic memory recalled every single love, like and interest I have/I had, from the tiniest detail including my pleasure points (yes scary I now realise). His director level high-powered job had taken him all over the world and he was now very ‘sophisticated’ moving in fabulous circles in London with the elite and often famous – as he said himself a number of times, he now had a ‘fabulous life’ and I was seeing him at the ‘best time of his life’ and he couldn’t be happier as well as now showing me his success; I even said I was very proud of him for turning his previously difficult life around and achieving so much success in his specialist field…. All this London fabulousness and sophistication was a very long way away from our humble relationship beginnings – in those days neither of us had much money so we had to make our own entertainment which was usually inadvertently very sexual and romantic in nature – constant massages by candle light, discussions about life whilst taking a bath together or having picnics whilst reading together and cloud watching; …. I too had once treasured those memories even after our relationships brutal end). This time he told me repeatedly those memories still held so much affection for him and with lots of ‘beautiful and precious’ memories still minutely retained. I must admit I did feel a little troubled when he began to talk about the numerous women in his past he had had in his life as he seemed intent on ensuring that I was fully aware of how fabulous, powerful, rich, beautiful and exotic these had all been but alas they had not worked out… They usually ended in some traumatic and very dramatic way – but I ignored these red flags…. He told me he wasn’t with anyone from the very beginning of our messaging, and so I accepted that he was most likely living the London bachelor life but since I could not have a relationship with him this was none of my business – friendship means friendship and I felt a strange sense of ‘emotional safeness’ from our shared and intense history of before. And hadn’t he told me he had learned from the past – become a better man; hadn’t he learned greater compassion from his time spent with USA gurus and with the Buddhist monks as he healed from his own suffering? ;(
Over the months his messages became more romantic and sexually charged, more sexually flattering although never blatantly pornographic (of course he knew this would turn me right off…). I still maintained that we would only ever be just good friends but I was very very flattered after my terribly abusive marriage. I had therefore never intended on meeting up with J but this is what happened and now in hind sight I can see why it did taking into account the elements that now were at play (his plan?) – unknown to myself at the time. After a virtually sexless marriage and certainly for the last 2 years of the marriage, I was feeling very sexually frustrated, sexually lonely and wanted a ‘connection’ and physical contact finally, with someone I really liked and whom I thought still held affection for me (I don’t ‘do’ one night stands – unfortunately 😉 ). I made the decision if I was to lose my ‘post-marriage/divorce virginity’ again J would be the perfect person who would never intentionally hurt me or make me feel bad about myself whatever happened – right?. It still didn’t in my mind clash with the view that this would change our relationship …. But we had a weekend together and I now regret it totally.
To sum up, something was completely off with J – he was verbally still entertaining, amazing and stimulating (including his kisses) but for everything else my beliefs that we would return to the chemistry we had (thought we had?) enjoyed before was totally misguided – it was a disaster and instead of leaving me feeling on top of the world I came away feeling very low, distinctly un-adored and so very very confused. Whilst my ex-husband had been a covert narcissist, the feelings I got from J and the emptiness physically and spiritually when we were together in bed felt exactly the same as my ex-husband’s physical contact (now clearly J too was emotionally dysfunctional). J was like a robot and completely devoid of any sexual-emotional intimacy – now I realise why but at the time it had shocked me (he had promised me a tantric connection, soul healing and in effect sexual fireworks none of which were even attempted (hadn’t he practiced with the tantric teachers whilst working in the USA?? or so he had told me). And yet I had given him my all for that weekend; had adored every inch of his body as I had always done (without any return from him, to my confusion) – given him fun and affection in homage to our past relationship … I couldn’t understand it at all. On the morning of our goodbyes he kissed me with such passion and looked at me with such sweetness, was so talkative and entertaining I had absolutely no inkling of what was about to happen….. his acting in hindsight was truly astounding…. Later that night he text me he had ‘enjoyed an amazing weekend… thank you darling’. By that night however I had made a mental decision to keep him only as a good and entertaining friend, but a good friend whom I could finally rely on after years of being emotionally alone but absolutely no more meet ups in hotel rooms.
Suffice to say within a day of our meet up J’s normal daily messaging just ceased completely. I waited and waited with increasing confusion feeling totally bereft and abandoned – the feeling shocked me. After over a week of waiting I finally contacted him for an explanation – he was only slightly apologetic ‘he had been ill …. Too ill to text or message’…blah blah blah… Then he dropped the narcissistic bombshell messaging me “In life it’s important to remain upbeat and positive…it’s something I struggle with sometimes myself….and just try to focus on being happy yourself on a day to day basis’’. Thereby ridding himself of any accountability or guilt in his behaviour and silence towards me in one swoop. I made it clear to him I would revert back to being just a ‘friend’ again with no more meet ups and reduced comms – I still at that point did not grasp the truth behind the man – that he wasn’t my friend and never had been. The messaging dragged out for another few weeks with increasing infrequency, his being humiliatingly small and benign; when I told him I was having a major trauma due to my divorce I heard nothing back at all…. and I have left it ever since.
Now looking over the messaging/our past relationship and reconnection, I began to realise with real horror and shame, he had clearly been a fledgling narcissist when we had first met 15 years ago, and now he has due to his intelligence and high powered director job (plus the amazing vegan gym obsessed body) become a fully-fledged professional overt narcissist and ‘player of women’ (god knows how many thousands over the years hence his absolute absence of sexual-emotional intimacy and selfishness in bed). I have since our cessation, looked over his messages and dug a bit deeper into the life stories he has told me. I now realise with shame, he has told me numerous fundamental lies which would ultimately prevent me from contacting him at work, at his London home or via his family in the North. He IS at the top of his profession as a director but not for the company he said he worked for nor in the area of London he told me he worked in (LinkedIn is very useful but why didn’t I check properly earlier??). Neither is his family’s Northern home where he said it was (the same lies also told 15 years ago). All are believable lies he told me very very early on this time, which is scary since he clearly knew he would NARC PLAY me from the very beginning then had a plan to drop me. He also refused to give me his home address afterwards (to post him some little gifts I had bought prior to our meet up) so I don’t even know if he lives with someone or has a proper girlfriend (or an agreement with an older-rich female/gigilo-type relationship)…. His ‘life stories’ have numerous other holes in them I have now also found even through a quick time line check using LinkedIN.
On reconnection, yes I knew through Facebook he was a very vain man but I convinced myself he had just been very unlucky in love with the wrong type of women (most probably narcissists themselves I imagine), who was both eccentric and stimulating intellectually but incapable of deliberately hurting me etc etc. He had said the sweetest things early on that had made me feel supported and understood (didn’t we share the same ideals and interests?) – that as a friend he would care and be in my life going forward no matter what as he repeatedly said to me. When I got the increasing niggling feeling of there being a ‘script’ on his part, I ignored the flags believing I was safe just being a ‘friend’…. Now I can see how I was completely sucked in and I am shocked that I fell for it. I am shocked that he did not treat me as a friend during that time but had intended from the very beginning to ‘NARC play’ me as a romantic narc supply. I also now firmly believe he ONLY reconnected with me to show me that he had a fabulous life and was professionally extremely successful (financially anyway) and to ultimately get his REVENGE for my breaking off our relationship all those years ago (known as a narcissistic injury which must be avenged either way). I think his plan always was to show me how amazing he was now, how amazing his face and body still was (he has the stats of a 20 year old he told me) and now I realise facial surgery/cosmetic implants/cosmetic fillers/botox has maintained his looks yet he is only 40!). The cruelty for me is that he knew my suffering had been horrific for years throughout my horrendous marriage, a truly toxic divorce still continuing today and all this during the long drawn out terminal illness of my darling father whom I still grieve for now… yet still he carried out his NARC plan right to the end – his Agenda must have had to be fulfilled come what may.
I have to face the fact my first experience of post-divorce romance has failed the NARC test and I am astounded with myself. I have now completely recalculated my previous relationship with J and how I view him as a person. I now know he was/is a deeply troubled and dysfunctional individual – his fabulous London ‘personal’ life is a complete sham/mess and the only thing he apparently wants is narc supply – the most beautiful, the richest, the most successful – but only to shine a light on him… His pursuit of ‘it’ and female perfection is apparently never ending to fill the bottomless void in his heart, soul and self-esteem clearly formed due to his chronically abusive childhood (a story he told as he had wept in my arms and possibly the only truth he has ever told me). Now I do not view him as successful in his life at all but a ‘professional predator & player of women’ who will never have any peace or true love, ultimately avoided for his deadly narcissist toxicity, chronic lying and acting. I also wonder how many adoring victims/women he has pushed to the mental and emotional brink throughout these years of narc behaviour – women who were beautiful, successful, high status – dumped for the next fabulous person and so on and so on. I am moving on now but it has taken 3 months to exorcise him out of my thoughts which cycled continually after he dropped me… my brain and soul were very distressed continually attempting to work out what on earth had happened and actually grieving the loss of my ‘perfect yet now obviously sham friend’ who transpired to be a narcissist-wolf in sheep’s clothing.
I can only say this has proven to be another life lesson I don’t wish to repeat ever again. I doubt I will hear from Director J again but I am now on my guard as I start my new life again – more keenly aware of other men and other narcissists who are also wolves in sheep’s clothing (supposedly dating sites are magnets for narcissist men). Please take heed (especially if you are fabulous and also live in London 😉 – sometimes when we think we are at our strongest as I did (as survivors of abuse) we are in actuality, at our weakest and most vulnerable. May be that is the true answer to the question….. How did I fall for another narcissist so soon……? E xx
The price is too big to pay. No more.
THE PRICE IS TO BIG TO PAY . NO MORE.
YOUR DEMISE IS IMMINENT IN THIS AGENDA RESPONSE TO ABUSE . I KNOW THIS FIRST HAND , PERSONALLY.
These comments from other thrivers and soon to be thrivers sre allowing me more clues to the “existance” i have had and how i could be living instead in a fulfilled prosperity and peace filled one ” life”.
The questions put forth in this video are the answer that fill in where i only inherantly new something remiss and amiss. Quest now toward growth and expansion , the little me was never allowed throughout my parents broken relatioship. Good day mellanie and folks.
Hi,
Can you please clarify for me if my boyfriend is a narcissist? I have known him for almost 14 months. Here is the situation: I am always giving him money paying for things, or buying things. Recently, I told him I could not do something he wanted to do and he got angry with me. I asked him to respect my wishes about pre-marital sex or sexual activities he did not. When we talk on the phone, the conversation is 99% about him and what is going on in his life. I try to tell him something about my life he seems bored or changes the subject back to him. He keeps telling me that he wants to marry someday. However, when we are in public he takes off and does his own thing unless he wants me to buy something. And I really don’t know when someday is, His anger about other people worries me. He swears profusely about his co-workers. He wants to take a crowbar or bat to their heads. Swearing I do NOT like. The swearing is the nasty, nasty kind.
Hi Rebecca,
Whether or not he is a narcissist, he sounds like a very unfulfilling and unhealthy person to even consider having a relationship with.
It doesn’t matter if he has other good points that you can think of – these ones are frightful!
The real question Rebecca is what is it that is unhealed yet in you that stays connected to a person like that as ‘okay’ for love?
Sweetheart that is where our true development and way out of these painful relationships lie.
Please check out my inner transformational resources http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
It will help you start to get clarity and relief.
Mel 🙏💕♥️
This price is to big to pay: NO MORE!
Thank you Mel,
I have learnt so much about these characters , it’s my first time on this platform.
I was searching for help online and your blog came up, I am currently going through so much in my 1year relationship. after reading about narcissism and watching your videos my eyes are opening up now ,things makes sense because I was starting to blame myself and believing I am not good enough. The fights just come out of blue from nonsensical issues, I am being told I can never have a family, does not listen to man’s rules, I am unruly, all sorts of things to break me down as a person, I would often cry and apologize , he would make me pledge that I will not repeat God knows what,, he is very sensitive I am even afraid to play jokes with him, he is obsessed about this high family values and discipline , he says if anyone breaks his rules they must pay heavily they must be punished that’s me I guess, I am punished with 100’s of texts in a day saying all sorts of hurtful things. I always reply, apologize and beg him to stop but boy does he get worse it’s like I fuel his anger.
He makes looks like I am not good enough , I don’t match his high life and family standards ,, it is so stressful . I want to walk away though I feel I still love him,, the relationship is not healthy at all.
Hi everyone
Thank you for your kind responses!
I wanted to give you an update having posted my huge story a few months ago regarding reconnecting with my old London boyfriend who is now clearly a highly dangerous narcissistic individual…..
Even knowing about narcissists and their hoovering tactics (due to my very toxic marriage and related counselling and research), I am still a little gobsmacked to report the London Narcissist has contacted me again via Facebook 2 weeks ago….. having had no word from him whatsoever for over 3 months whilst I was in the midst of a horrifically toxic divorce/Court battle! I absolutely did NOT see his message coming since I felt that his narc strategy and Agenda had been well and truly fulfilled. He blatantly began his message as if he had been maintaining a conversation for all of these months!!! ‘Hi gorgeous’!!!…… blah blah blah….. Was I enjoying the UK Summer?”….. Astounding considering my last message to him was clearly me in great distress and anxiety over my divorce and the terrible and horrific treatment I had received by the Court Judge in siding with my toxic and abusive spouse…. Complete silence on his part…. until now.
I really felt the urge to send him a message to state that we had absolutely nothing in common anymore in which to build a ‘friendship’ on…. and to make this a firm cessation of our comms to ensure that he was under no illusion that I was not willing to be part of his ongoing ‘hareem’ of women when he felt like it. I cannot tell you the number of times I have rehearsed that Facebook message – feeling some satisfaction in order to ‘hurt’ him… but of course you can’t hurt someone who simply does NOT have the capacity to feel love or affection or compassion….
In addition and most importantly, I know if I send any message that this will only prolong comms with him and I do not want some form of retribution from him due to his potential narcissistic rage… I do feel now looking back that he is potentially from the evidence even more deadly – a narcissistic-socio-path… and I don’t want the worry of not knowing if he will try to carry out his revenge for my total rejection of him (like before all of those years ago which he did not back the take lightly or well)…….. Unfortunately and stupidly, I confided in him extremely sensitive information around my marriage and he could quite easily cause me huge problems because of it …. So messaging him is absolutely NOT worth the worry and my satisfaction will only be short-lived.
I have therefore ignored him and will continue to ignore him.. I only hope he does not attempt to visit me at my home when visiting his own family.
Good luck and best wishes to all those sufferers/survivors reading this life-saving Forum.
Emanuelle x
Hi,
Im trying to figure out why I dont want her to be happy with anyone else, why I believe her when she tells me she knows she has abuse issues and needs help and that she loves me and sees a future with me. Its all talk because next day I am ghosted or silent treatment for over a week not explanations or nothing. I want to know why I feel like she has this power to make me feel no good enough. Why I still lover her and want her when she clearly doesn’t want me or clearly doesn’t treat me right. I understand it all logically but it hurts to know I have stood by her through everything and I am still not ok to be with. She say sI don’t want to be accountable or responsible, I can’t be with anyone because I don’t love myself, then its lies and everything else. Its like I am trying to prove to her what a good partner I am. This is not healthy.
Im only this way with her. I am strong with everyone else. I don’t allow people to cross my boundaries other then her.
Lately I told her she cant talk to me like we are together and I asked her to stop speaking to me like we have a future. Its all talk.
She says she cant help it and she likes to dream.
Well I held the boundary tight and stood up to her and haven’t heard from her since.
Its like she gets the things she wants, money, attention and when I pull it back she realizes I don’t deserve it but then she can’t talk to me about it. I feel she is just lying like crazy to me. There are tears and all this victim stuff.
She is a wounded person and for sure a covert.
I just want my trauma bonds gone, I want to not think of her anymore and I want to be able to love again.
Why is it she is the only person in my life who does this or treats me this way?
Awww Lynne
Please know we all went through this terrible confusion and anguish that is NOT logical.
My NARP Program is the system that takes you deeply inside to the emotional traumas and trauma bonds that keep you attached to abusers, and effectively releases and reprogram them.
It is your answer and way out of this.
Please check it out, and you have zero risk to try NARP and join the NARP community with myself and thousands of others who have made this journey back to ourselves, and freedom, sanity and health… powerfully.
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
Do the research on people comments about NARP on the internet and all my social platforms, and you will see how it is responsible for unprecedented healing in this community!
Big hugs and I hope this helps.
Mel 🙏💕♥️
The price is to high, Enough, No more.
Wonderful article, Melanie.
I had a final court case with my ex N last year. Not only that, both his lawyer and the judge were the same. 7 months of hell and I said enough is enough and walked away. It was then I started to really look at my current partner and realized, I was not being respected there either. It took awhile as I watched and listened to his words and actions and realized the depth of manipulation, adultery, etc. This was before I knew what Narcissistic behaviours were. I walked away and although it was a struggle, it also put me on the path of NARP and QFH. As I’ve spoken in the forums there, NARP has helped me so much with so many issues and I’m able to concentrate on myself rather than bowing down to others. I am so thankful for the program. Thank you, Melanie!
As a two times sufferer from covert narcissism I have some experience. Here are my observations:
They are unlucky in love “because all their exes were controlling/abusive/boring”. No learned wisdom here.
They want to meld with your life (expectations, desires, opinions, friends, resources, activities) “because you’re great”. No arguments to maturely resolve here.
They do not have long term friends “because they have moved a lot”. No references here.
They do not seek their new friendships “because they are an introvert”. No need to maturely negotiate here.
They find people at work very challenging so they accommodate “because they try to be a team player”. No need to understand others, empathize, use compassion or negotiate here.
Some true tells of covert narcissists are:
1) date them long enough to find an area of disagreement BEFORE you combine ANY resources. Once found, doggedly tell your truth and look for escalation/acting out/withdrawal, i.e. their inability to healthily speak their whole truth (values, emotions, feelings, thinking) and accept yours. If they cannot, move on. I know, that’s a lot of investment to be trashing (they can keep up the false self for a long time), but the alternative is ruin.
2) date them long enough to understand that a relationship without conflict is fake. Two fully formed human beings are bound to have differences of opinion born of values, priorities or timing a lot. If it’s you who is always compliant then maybe it is you who still has some growing to do. If so, get an opinion then apply the first method when differences do occur.
3) date them long enough to observe that they will act increasingly entitled to be the ‘keeper of rules (how to allocate time, money and effort) and standards (what is considered clean, healthy and fair)’.
4) date them long enough to observe that you will be assigned responsibility for all verifiable performance (mending things, paying bills, logistics) by indirect communication (their withdrawal, praising you, their lack of volunteering)
The covert narcissists ‘passive’ nature makes them hard to detect. Most methods are based on their ‘absence’ from healthy interactions. Luckily their obsessively critical nature (of themselves and others) will normally surface if you insist on speaking your truth. So, per Melanie’s advice, get a truth if you haven’t already got one! It is especially sage advice for detecting covert narcissists who are incredibly adept at hiding in plain site as the most peace loving person you’ve ever met.
“Bewitched by somebody’s Love Bombing!” LOL Happened to me!
Good one Mel!
Kathryn
The Price is TOO BIG to Pay…NO MORE!
Kathryn
NO DEAL! YOU are not my reality!
Kathryn
Anything that cost me my peace is too expensive!
The prize is too big to pay, no more!
“What did I think I would gain from them by trusting them so quickly…
As an older woman I would have no interest in this now, though as a young woman… oh wow I didn’t know to or what to gain, I was very much a go with the flow, follow the universe, the great lovers of the cosmos oh the mystery of deeply sexy, profound volatile affair kind of person. Maybe it was all about myself being in love regardless of the other person and that I passionately wanted and needed the experience. ♥️
How do you get to know there character ? My ex pretended to be a completely different person even to his friends and family. Especially if they fabricate there entire morals and values.
Hi Lili,
someone’s words mean NOTHING. See how they operate. See how they deal with your YOUR healthy boundaries. meaning retaining your life, not dropping everything for them, and saying “No” at times.
Take note of the people in their life and how they have “done” in life. What are their relationships like with key people in their life?
I promise you that when you are healed up, authentic and powerful in your own skin you will see and investigate the cracks.
Again a person’s words are NOTHING, their character is how they show up in life and what their actions are and have been.
Mel 🙏💕💚
What if you didn’t flush them out soon enough
Hello,
I’ve found myself in the far too late stage. I was so in love that I allowed my wife to cheat on me under my nose while defending accusations of me cheating but far worse I allowed my wife to file false police reports of domestic violence against me twice. I’m an overly trusting guy. I love to love. My wife was perfect in my eyes in every way. I flew her to Florence, Italy and married her there in the most romantic way I could think of. My wife told me that her daughter was raped by her last husband and that he was sent to prison. For that reason I dismissed accusations of cheating on the fact that there may have been unresolved issues with her. Since we both grew up in the same small town I know a lot of people that were familiar with the trial. I was told by numerous people that there was a lot of testimony given by her that was simply not believable. Regardless he spent 2 years in prison and my wife reduced him to zero. She was so vindictive that his family had to pull restraining orders on her to protect their businesses from her constant attacks. She was arrested for violating the RO after purchasing an unregistered weapon off the streets. The fist time my wife made false charges of DV I had told her to stop throwing things at me. At that point she had sucker punched me in the face at between 20 and 25 times. I told her if she continued throwing things that I would throw them back. The next morning she threw 4 objects at me hitting me each time at close range. I threw 3 back missing 2 times and finally hitting her with the slipper she just hit me with. It was foam. This cost me $16k and my job. I returned home after begging for 40 days thinking somehow I was the cause of her needing a RO to prevent me from throwing things back at her. I asked her if she threw a rock up into the air and it came down and hit her on the head if she would pull a RO on gravity but she just snarled.
The second time I recorded the entire event. She attacked me in my garage with verbal assaults, destroying my things, throwing things at me and then hitting me in the face with a door she kicked. Because I told police that I did push her when she refused to let me exit they arrested me even though my recordings proved that she was the aggressor. I guess the police feel that a homeless man has a better chance to survive than a homeless women. My wife then served me with a “Snipet “ of the RO so that I wouldn’t see the upcoming court date. Her intention was to get “exclusive use of home” for 5 years and control of my possessions. I was arrogant in thinking that defending myself in family court would be a breeze due to the fact I live in America. That was an incredibly naive thought. I’m guilty until I prove myself innocent. It’s been 16 months since I’ve seen the inside of my home. She sells and or destroys my things. She came into my life with a car, 2 dogs, debt, and cloths. Now she wants to leave with everything. She’s slowly but surely outing herself in court by lying, reneging on deals and disobeying court orders but I want to end this ASAP before I endure more loss. From the beginning of Covid to now my own discard has cost me $177k.