Melanie Tonia Evans

Boundaries – How To Have Difficult Conversations Without Fear Of Retaliation

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 9
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans


Today is a delicate conversation and a very necessary one.

It is about all the reasons why we hand power away.

WHY we don’t put our best foot forward.

WHY we get tongue-tied and don’t know HOW to say what we need to …

And how all of this is a deadly recipe for getting abused in a narcissistic relationship.

But not just that … It is also the total reason we don’t get our needs met, get taken advantage of by other people and get emptied out to the point where we feel unappreciated, unloved and unsupported.

And the reason we do this is because of CRAP!

Now before you judge me for saying something inappropriate … hear me out!

CRAP stands for the fear of:





In this Thriver TV Episode not only are you going to find out how and why C.R.A.P. diminishes us, but also how to fast-forward your development where you are no longer carrying the traumas that have given you C.R.A.P. …

And, once you apply the processes I share in this video, you will be able to witness the miracle that unfolds. One where healthy people feel you standing confidently in your truth, and begin to accept your needs and wants.

If you, like my previous self, dread the difficult conversations and have no idea how to show up without the fear of being shut down, dismissed or even abused, then this Thriver TV episode is definitely for you!

If this video inspired you to work on your boundaries, I would love to hear about it!

Please share how you feel about losing your fears, showing up truthfully and being the generative force of the True Life you want to live in the comments below.


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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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40 Thoughts on Boundaries – How To Have Difficult Conversations Without Fear Of Retaliation
    May 5, 2017

    Great video, Melanie. I feel so much of what you shared. Speaking up in my family as a little girl came with the risk of violence and emotional abuse. So I wound up stuffing my voice and feelings, which were only turned inward as inner anger, which equaled depression. Even in kindergarten I was so sad often. Through the past several years, and many forms of healing (counseling, NARP) I’ve learned how my parents didn’t meet my emotional needs, and still hadn’t through the years as I became and aged as an adult. When we finally are able to see it for what it is, we can grow. And I feel like that’s one of the biggest benefits you’ve given me, and you said it in this video. You help people accelerate in their growth. We can heal, and re-parent our inner child through the stages of development we missed out on, but at a much more accelerated rate. I don’t mean in days, or weeks, mind you, simply that we don’t have go go and live 10 years or more to finally “get it.” For that matter, we don’t even have to wait around for others to “get us.” Once we get us, and get clear on our needs, really clear, and get practiced at expressing them, we can move to a path of light and love.

    In the beginning, it was so hard to speak my mind, but with practice, I grew confident. I don’t tremble any more, and I don’t feel my heart in my throat, but boy did I in the beginning. It’s like the body has to release the toxic energy stores.

    I want to thank you for your posts, videos, NARP, and a community of growing thrivers who have held a safe space for my story where I feel seen, heard, and understood. For far too long I relied too heavily on the “outside” and “others” for my own validation. It wasn’t an easy process, but by walking head first into my real truth, and honoring my life story, I have been able to rid myself of the shame I’ve carried. Only in the last couple of years or so have I realized that all that shame I carried was the offloaded CRAP of others in my life, because they were not equipped to handled their own emotions and behaviors as adults. I was only too accommodating to carry it for them. But not any more.

    Blessings to you, and for all you do!

    And by the way, “raging banchy” is something I had not heard in years….in our family it was more like “wild banchy” but banchy just the same.



    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 6, 2017

      Hi Linda,

      I am glad you felt this!

      It is so true that we don’t have forgo what was never received, that we can now heal those parts back to wholeness, instead of stay “broken”.

      That is so great that you show up now, and pushed through get there. No more banshee – full stop!!

      Please know you are so welcome Dear Lady!

      Mel xo

        May 8, 2017

        Thank you! It’s a journey…..and one I wouldn’t trade for anything now. Bless you 🙂

        March 18, 2019

        Hi Mel,
        Great video! The part about running towards people that have zero remorse and don’t take accountability hit home for me. Trying to get people to understand that your pain is legitimate is like trying to get their permission to accept your experience. It is so hard to stop justifying. I struggle with “If I could just get you to see that what you did was not ok and we cleared the air between us, then everything will be ok. I feel like I’m blaming and want peace. I feel like I’m being controlling and being controlled. How do you get peace and let this person go?

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          March 18, 2019

          Hi Lea,

          I’m glad that this video has helped. What you are describing was a common issue for most of us!

          Lea have you looked at my healing program NARP?

          That is the most powerful way I know of to achieve this.

          Wishing you healing and breakthrough.

          Mel 🙏💕❤️

    May 5, 2017

    Wow just wow Melanie. I will need to listen to this video many times I think. I am doing the NARP program and am also in counselling. I was just speaking about this to the counsellor the other day. Why do I still not have the ability to speak up and say no and walk away. Still get entangled in trying to justify myself and then end up apologising. Instead of being heard. I have always had very poor boundaries. Since doing NARP, they have become a bit better but nowhere near where they should be. I still get triggered. I still try and justify myself. More work to be done I think. Thank you so much! Jodi x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 6, 2017

      Hi Jodi,

      That is wonderful that you are getting an understanding of this and how these parts can heal.

      It’s my pleasure Jodi!

      Mel xo

    May 5, 2017

    What an amazing video! I loved it!!
    I agree sometimes I don’t show up because of a fear of abandonment or criticism but sometimes I don’t have a difficult conversation because I don’t want to hurt another person. And then, I minimize what happened and as a result- remain hurt.
    Let’s say I feel a girlfriend hurt me- I don’t say anything to her because 99 percent of the time my interactions with her are beautiful. I want to say something but don’t want to hurt her….Where is my fear coming from in such situation??? I know my good friend won’t criticize or abandon or punish me. I’m sure she will say she is sorry and feel bad for hurting me if I speak up
    Thanks much!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 6, 2017

      Hi Jane,

      that is great you loved it!

      Truly, Jane we don’t know what our inner program is until we trace that fear go inwards and “be” with it.

      That is what the Thriver NARP work does! And it can be “different” for all of us.

      And then it can be released and then that “block” is so much easier to push through.

      Mel xo

    May 5, 2017

    Thank you Melanie for this very helpful and insightful video! I truly appreciate your sincere, compassionate, kind and intelligent delivery. I read/watch everything you send. Your material provides invaluable and inspiring messages, and tools for strengthening the mind and spirit during these challenging times in recovery. So grateful!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 6, 2017

      Hi Kendra,

      it’s my pleasure 🙂

      Lots of love to you and thank you for your lovely post – I am so pleased my material helps!

      Mel xo

    May 5, 2017

    I grew up in a house where I sincerely felt that if I didnt toe the line, I would be physically left and abandoned. I never felt totally safe and always walked on eggshells, after all , I knew my 10 year old self couldnt care for myself totally, I felt I had to earn the care my parents grudgingly bestowed. Many traumas that I have carried with me, false teaching, and support that I should have had as a child and youth but didnt.

    This has helped and taught me so much

    thank you

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 6, 2017

      Hi Patricia,

      I am so pleased this has helped let you know there is a way home.

      Mel xo

    May 5, 2017

    Thank you for this Mel! I have learned through you that my weak boundary lines caused me so much angst in my life. I would always think of what I should have said after the situation happened and definitely had the fear of speaking up for myself. I am happy to report that nine months after leaving the narc I have established some very strong boundaries via very limited contact only necessary for the children. It is absolutely empowering. I also was able to help my daughter in this very same way. I am a narp member and the modules have helped me tremendously. In addition when I first started to watch Melanie’s videos in the first few months I would do that and I would also listen over and over again to the song Brave by Sara Bareilles. It is all about speaking up for ourselves. Thank you again Melanie I am so grateful for your wonderful help and program.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 6, 2017

      Hi Jan,

      you are very welcome 🙂

      That is wonderful you ave grown so much and that NARP has helped!

      How awesome that you show up now!

      Bless you Dear Lady!

      Mel xo

    May 5, 2017

    Once again, completely said everything I have gone through as well.
    THANK YOU Melanie! can not imagine how sick I still would be without your healing wisdom, Kelly

    May 6, 2017

    Hi Melanie,

    Thank you for showing up, being vulnerable and candid on your ongoing (and evolving) journey with boundaries. This is one of my favorite videos.

    What you say is so true. Before NARPing, I would dread difficult conversations/situations to the point of adrenaline rushes “possessing” me, leaving me paralyzed, fearful. Now, my adrenaline rushes are less intense and don’t “overtake” me. They are still there, but no longer possess my thinking and feeling. I can now respond “healthily” because adrenaline rushes are not running the show. I believe I got here thru NARPing, particularly deeply BREATHING into the emotional terror of my pain, fully experiencing that past terror in the now. It feels like the process of BREATHING into the emotional pain is building the actual muscle needed to respond solidly to future triggers.

    Thanks for all you do Melanie, sending you love and hugs.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 6, 2017

      Hi Resilient,

      you are so welcome, and truly we ARE all in this together!

      That is great you are doing so well with this 🙂

      Blessings Dear Lady!

      Mel xo

    May 6, 2017

    Every single week you’re talking about something so incredibly applicable to me. My ex-narcissist’s brother took me in after I completely broke down at the hands of his brother. That was 8 months ago. He gave me an opportunity to heal, to work NARP, to find a career that I love and not just a job to survive. I am beyond grateful to him. Unfortunately, he had a stroke about 2 months ago. I tried to help care for him, but he resisted my help concerning his health. It’s been agonizing. He had a second stroke about a week ago. I physically broke down from worry and unnecessary guilt. (For some reason I felt like it was my responsibility to save him regardless of what he wanted because he helped save me.) I have been shifting and realized yesterday that it’s his life, his journey, and his right to control it. Not mine. However, I was terrified about telling that to the people around us. That I need to take an emotional step back for myself because it’s too hard to watch him deliberately sabatoge his own health and well being. HE would respect my choice, but I’m terrified about how other people will react. That fear is causing me to push and give of myself to an unreasonable and personally detrimental degree… Don’t misunderstand. I’m not abandoning him, I’m just going to respect his boundaries and decisions. And work on fortifying my own.

    I know that was a lot of personal information, but I’ve only just started shifting out of my martyr/savior mentality. This video is timely. You said exactly what I needed to hear at exactly the right time. I have a clearer understanding of what I need to start shifting next. Thank you so much for everything you do Melanie! My life is going through some dramatic and extraordinary changes because of you. I know that things will never be the same again, and that is a wonderful thing to know.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 6, 2017

      Hi Emily,

      that is great these have been so timely for you!

      That is wonderful Emily that you are going inwards, doing the work and shifting those triggers (traumas) up and out.

      How beautiful that your are evolving into your True You and working with the knowing that all that has happened is generating that for you.

      Keep up the great work 🙂

      Mel xo

    May 6, 2017

    Hi Melanie,
    I escaped a narciscistic relation, with the support I found in your work.
    it’s only 3 months since I really succeeded to do no contact, and I know I still have alot of work to do.
    But now someone new presented, who seems able to help me with the practical things in life (I have my own house, but in bad state),
    this person immediately fell in love with me, but I keep distance, because I ‘m afraid of ending up in an unhealthy relation once again.
    I tried to explain my situation, and this person said she woulld be patient and waitfor me;
    it seems to me this is too early, but in the same time I doubt because I think this might be a good person and the possibility of a healthy relation.
    how do I know the difference… I distrust my own opinion after what happened before…

    May 7, 2017

    Dearest Melanie

    This video is truly the answer to my most sincere prayers – bless you for sharing your wisdom. Of all your enlightening episodes, this is undoubtedly my favourite one! 🙂

    How do we know when to speak up and have these difficult conversations and when to walk away?

    For example, my mother tends to take my words, twist them, accuse me of saying something I never did, and then spread my warped message to every member of our family. I am too afraid of telling her how I feel as she may attack me verbally and then spread lies regarding what actually took place. Any suggestions that you have to offer concerning this situation would be very much appreciated.

    My heartfelt love and thankfulness,
    Sky xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 8, 2017

      Hi Sky,

      I am so pleased this one hit the spot for you!

      this is an excellent question – and I definitely want to help you with this …

      What is SUPER important here is to shift out your trauma enough so that you are NO longer fearful … that is the work of NARP.

      That is the most important part about all of this.

      Then the conversation to have with her is like this:

      I really hope this helps.

      Mel xo

    May 7, 2017

    Is it possible for narcissists to heal?
    Can they become good people who have healthy loving relationships?!

    Can’t help but have hope for someone I loved deeply.
    Maybe she’s not a full narcissist. She’s only 24. Maybe she can improve.
    I wish I could help.


    Would love to hear a podcast on this topic. Or if there is one- what number?

    May 7, 2017

    Hi Mel!
    Yet another wonderful video/lesson!
    I have been a Gold NARP member for a year now. I have been diligently following your Youtube videosduring this time and doing the modules (though I have not completed them yet). I would like to tell you that I feel that the evolution of your videos is BRILLIANT. As you began to do SHIFTS HAPPEN, which was so helpful in particular regarding “how” to do the modules, to your Boundaries If You Can’t Go No Contact, The 10 Most Impactful Ways to Self-Partner, and now this one, the depth and nitty gritty of what I am learning from you has increased exponentially. I am “getting it” in terms of a deeper and deeper understanding of how Quanta Freedom works and what we are REALLY aiming for in terms of detoxing. I LOVE when you used that term recently.
    I also feel that you are SO RIGHT because even when I uplevel energetically even just a little bit, the Universe responds in wonderful ways.
    Now I do have a question though please…
    I have recently realized that I am “stifled” energetically regarding money and not feeling worthy of more of it than I typically have gotten. C.R.A.P. is defintely involved when it comes to asking for it or pursuing better jobs. I am convinced that there is a Quantum thing going on: So within So without.

    Can you recommend a particular module to target this? I am currently working on #5. I do also have the Goal Setting module.
    Your recommendation on how best to proceed would be great appreciated.

    Thank you and with much appreciation,

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 8, 2017

      Hi Deanna,

      you are very welcome …

      I am SO pleased you are anchoring into more and more insight as to how to work with NARP.

      How gorgeous also that the miracles are dropping into place for you as a result of shifting your Inner Being.

      Either Module 1 shortened version of Goal Setting Module are wonderful to work with for literally ANYTHING you wish to shift.

      Please also know Deanna, if you in the NARP Forum you can receive expert coaching from those who are Masters Shifters on any topic you wish to break through with!

      It is so worth working with that resource!

      Keep up the great work Lovely Lady 🙂

      Mel xo

    May 21, 2017

    Hello Melanie,
    I recently hit a realisation that my aunty who for years I thought was perhaps a victim of my mother may actually be a N. I now have all these deeply sad feelings for my mum wondering if she is somewhat a victim of my aunt and her mum and that my aunt may have also been manipulating me. I was estranged from the whole family for 3 years but recently reached out after doing lots of reflection on myself My aunty has been the only one I have been speaking to and she was very strange, passive aggressive, giving me these insults but in a joyful voice. She was asking me loads of questions in this kind of interogative fashion. I noticed i was feeling off after speaking with her. Suddenly all these insights have been coming up but I am confused. I feel an urge to reach out to my mum. I feel the urge to go back to no contact with my aunt. Do you do private talking sessions? I feel like I really need to talk this through with someone who understands. I cant seem to find a therapist. If you can recommend one that would be great. I am based in the UK. Thank you for sharing all your experience. X

    michael lange
    June 1, 2017

    I will have to come back to this episode again and again. One of my biggest problems is not saying things when they should get said. Quite often I just do not know what to say at the time. Quite often I do not know how to say things in a polite manner as to not make me look like the crazy one. I will come up with something later but usually not on the spot. Rebuilding boundaries is not easy for me because most of the boundaries that I had were run over and destroyed. I have been going to counseling for about a year due to these narcissistic people and listening to you and my counselor and my inner being is helping. Now it seems like i am gaining strides in pushing back those who have for so long been trampling all over my boundaries. It is hard not to fear critisism for what for what you say. Twice now in the last two weeks I have been able to stand up to my wife and shut her down from saying all of the nasty things that she was saying. In one instance she wanted to see the papers that i was printing. I told her it was none of her business just like some of the things that she does that are none of my business.She moved her chair back and left the room without saying a word. I know I hit a nerve when I said that. It probably sent shock waves through her because she wasn’t ready for me to put up a fight. Thank you for what you do.

    July 21, 2017

    Dearest Melanie,
    I loved this video and I have been so loving reading all your articles. I am often in a WOW place when I hear you speak. SO clear and concise and right on the truth of it. I haven’t yet signed up for your course and I know I will. When I sign up I will feel like I have already got the value without looking at any of the course material.
    Many thanks and much love

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 21, 2017

      Hi Rebecca,

      I am so pleased you did and it resonated with you 🙂

      Thats wonderful that you are going to take it deeper and become a NARPer, that is when it all goes into super-boost!

      You are so welcome Rebecca and much love to you too.

      Mel xo

    Just me
    July 27, 2017

    Hypothetical question:

    But is it a good idea to speak your truth in a situation where the people around you, that you would be speaking to, are covert and overt narcissists and/or seem to be subtly manipulative codependents and other such “flying monkey” type people protecting them and they are all attacking you?

    Just curious.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 27, 2017

      Hi Elise,

      great question.

      Yes, when we are not attached to anyone “getting it” or obtaining a result.

      Then we know the truth, detach and move one. If there was an up levelling chance, us being honest would create truth and healing for all healthy enough people involved.

      The important thing is we don’t just internalise, move on and NOT take responsibility for generating our own realities.

      Mel xo

    March 5, 2018

    Hi Melanie,
    Thank you for this great video!
    I have a question, my Narcist husband, makes fun of me in front of his adult dauhgters.
    I am his second wife.
    His first wife was quiet and serving

    This makes makes me feel very insecure.
    I am following your NARP mp3’s
    Have also been reading your E books
    Getting there, but not there yet.
    We are having his birthday party, he is 67 years old.
    He does not want me to particepate in the organisation. Says he will organise everything himself this time.
    Because otherwise everything is going my way. This is what he says.
    This is simply not true.
    I really would prefer not to be there.
    I know how this sounds, really I do,
    To be really honest, I am scared.
    Who would have a party and speak up for herself, and risc spoiling the party.

    March 26, 2018

    Dear dear Mel
    Thank you so much for this and all your videos. I’ve been on this journey for a while now after the pressure cooker exploded in horrifying ways- my father- I have gone no to limited contact and been healing for 2 years. I’ve just moved from Rome to Paris and found *the perfect* flat through a friend. The couple I’ve moved in with though are the classic dysfunctional and toxic narc/codependent. Both very unconscious people and… they are hoarders. You can’t move in the flat for crap (literal c not ours!) Everywhere. The kitchen is disgusting too… I’ve never seen adults live like this. They argue and swear incessantly and eat junk food all the time -so your kitchen metaphor was impeccable. And after a really emotional last week with my mother in which I met my father for first time in 2 years and got emotionally raped by a *spiritual*healer I then moved into this mess in a new country, new city… literally ALL my unhealed CRAP showed up all at once. It has been so intense. So this video just couldn’t be more perfect for me. Thank you. I’ve felt so child like and deeply powerless and crying uncontrollably this last week in this new city. I now know what I need to do thanks to you. It feels scary as I have no other home to go to for the moment… But I know I need to speak up my truth. And if nothing can change then I’ll have to find somewhere else. Thank you for giving me an injection of awareness and courage. I’m so looking forward to the day I really feel like I’m thriving in my own skin again -at the moment it feels like it’s been ripped off.
    Lots of love,Georgia xxx
    (you helped me get my head and heart straight about the spiritual charlatan on Facebook the other day xxx )

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 26, 2018

      Hi Georgis,

      that is so wonderful that you are going to rise!

      Absolutely you have the power to create your own reality here. You are every courageous and sending you the strength for incredible breakthrough! You are SO close 🙂

      Many blessings darling 🙂

      Mel xo

    Satina Cooper
    November 14, 2018

    So relate to everything you’ve shared. Your program has been a life saver for me. Question – when you create your videos, are you using a teleprompter or other device and if so what do you use. Thanks for all that you do. Hugs Satina

    Fiona Campbell Stuart
    February 4, 2019

    Unbelievably (!) despite being assertive, I have still been struggling with being an adult with my mother. Have finally drawn a line between me and her, and the universe has rewarded me with really seeing what she is. Thanks for this wonderful, wonderful reminder Melanie. Sometimes, it just helps to know we are not alone.

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