Melanie Tonia Evans

How Covert Narcissist Lure Empaths As Their Victims

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 21
293
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

Covert narcissists are amongst the sneakiest, most dangerous narcissists of all because they operate like stealth bombers.

You know something is wrong with the way they behave and how you feel – but you just can’t quite put your finger on it.

Being connected with a covert narcissist is no less than experiencing psychological warfare, as you find yourself being turned in circles – and knots – eventually barely even knowing what is UP or DOWN.

If you are in a relationship with a covert narcissist, it would be usual for you to feel incredibly unsafe and on edge, and to start checking up, investigating him or her, and feeling like you are losing your mind.

Sinisterly and devastatingly … as time goes on, you find that everything this person does is about themselves … whilst your interests, needs, and opinions, as well as yourself, all start to disappear.

Many people report they KNOW they were abused by someone who yells obscenities at them, or who strikes out, threatens or cheats.

Yet what happens when it’s not that obvious and your reality has become so fuzzy that you just can’t be sure?

What happens is this: people can get stuck for DECADES with covert narcissists.

So much so, I have found that the most tortured souls, after narcissist abuse, are often those abused by covert narcissists.

How is the covert narcissist different to the more overt, classic type of narcissist?

Why is it so many people may NOT even know (for a long time) that this person even IS a narcissist?

How do they erode your self-esteem, belief in yourself, confidence and self-identity?

After removing and healing myself from the sticky clutches of a covert narcissist, as well as helping so many other people do so, I know exactly what it is that allows us to get sucked in by them. I also know WHY we try to help them and lose our own life and identity in the process.

I also, absolutely, know HOW to heal and develop ourselves beyond this susceptibility and tendency, so that we NO longer – ever – give up our dreams, purpose, life-force and joy for someone who sucks us dry.

If you know you have had a tendency towards covert narcissists, or are in a relationship with one now – or even if you are not sure exactly what a ‘covert narcissist’ is – I can’t recommend this Thriver TV highly enough.

I was so relieved when I found this KEY link between empaths and covert narcissists, because it enables us to shore ourselves up and NOT be prey to them. I dearly hope today’s Thriver TV episode gives you the awareness of how to be impervious to this trickier type of narcissist.

I look forward to answering your comments and question below.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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293 Thoughts on How Covert Narcissist Lure Empaths As Their Victims
  • Markusj908@gmail.com'
    Jenny E Markus
    February 28, 2018

    While I was taking care of him, he was cheating on me. I thought if I just did all the right things for him, he would love me, but the manipulation and head games got worse. He said I was his girlfriend yet when I wasn’t around he acted single.

    • earthdev.2048@gmail.com'
      Janette Crawford
      February 28, 2018

      I could identify some of the characteristics of covert narcissism with my own personality until it came to how CNs act this out on those in their lives. I would be far too fearful of the consequences to mess with people or their lives, the way I’ve been messed with by two N men. The latter showing a combination of both types of N behaviors. Thanks for this great information.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        March 1, 2018

        Hi Janette,

        you are very welcome and I am glad it clarified aspects for you.

        Mel xo

        • mhangzen@aol.com'
          michael mitchell
          March 2, 2018

          As usual you just nailed it! This was helpful as my ex was a genius at playing both overt and covert. She could win an Oscar for her performance yet was so empty inside. As her stealing, cheating, slandering, and other abuse hurt me deeply it was also the cure for my issues. I know you know that I attracted this for a reason and it healed me and took me to new levels of healing and awareness that are truly amazing. I am not currently in a relationship and have never been happier. And its interesting that I am in the healing arts and have many friends who are givers and have suffered similar stories. I am glad to be on the other end of this and thankful for the insight it has brought me. You have helped so many people and I refer to you as the one to go to for understanding on the subject.
          Its been 5 years that I have been away from my ex and I still get angry about the abuse which in turn keeps some attachment happening. I hope I will stop doing that even if it is only 1 or 2 minutes per month. The energetic involved in that still feels ugly when I go there.

          Thank you and Thank you again for giving comfort to so many.

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            March 2, 2018

            Hi Michael.

            Thank you and I am very grateful for you passing my work on 🙂

            Have you thought about energetically releasing that anger from your cells Michael – so that it just no longer exists?

            That process can take you to even greater heights of freedom, joy and success – https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

            Mel xo

        • Vannareisman@yahoo.com'
          Angela
          March 2, 2018

          Melanie, this was so powerful thank you! I dealt with a covert narc and all of the signs you talk about are so true. In a relationship for 10 years I started to suspect and the last few years I questioned so many things and thankfully a few good people came to me and told me things and with some of my own investigating I realized the truth. Now he is divorced and is with many others young and old. He is an undiagnosed PTSD survivor and at the time i felt good to empathize with him but I realize now I was just being used for sex mostly. It’s been 3 years now and he has moved into my area and still hoovers but I am healed and only wish him the best I guess everyone deserves to be happy! Love and hugs and thanks you Mel!!!
          Best, Angela

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            March 2, 2018

            Hi Angela,

            you are very welcome 🙂

            That is wonderful you are doing so well!

            Love and hugs to you too Angela.

            Mel xo

      • Kitnixerie@gmail.com'
        Helen
        March 3, 2018

        I’ve read a Psychology article that mentioned that if 4 children are raised by N. parents, one will typically be N., (I forget the others), but one will be highly sensitive to others’ pain.

        I feel as though I was a scapefoat in my family. But contrary to what this video notes, I feel as though that experience made me more vulnerable to the N.’s in my family, a particular love interest, AND a work colleague who stalked me. Though I may have some boundary issues, (working on these), I don’t believe this would mean I am a CN. It is the work colleague stalker that I would see as a CN. He came off as Father X-mas. Yet this (married) person would always try to get me to interact with him romantically. And I’d always worry about HIS feelings, (and of course my job, so, political reasons factored in), so always felt I was walking a thin line.

        So do I seem as a covert narcissist? I genuinely feel caring toward others- I think scapegoating in families is an awful phenomenon. It may not be the most fair to consider the scapegoated family member as always being a covert narcissist.

        I hope I rather mis-undersrood the point of the video.. (?)

        Thank you for all of the information you put out there. I have needed to go no contact with many family members and your information gives affirming validation to that decision.

        All the best-

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          March 5, 2018

          Hi Helen,

          in no way does being scapegoated automatically create you as an N!

          Please know the majority of peeps scapegoated continue to be abused by N’s, and actually make up this Thriver Community.

          It is just THIS type of N may have been the scapegoated child who took the path of narcissism – totally submerging their true self to survive.

          Does this explain?

          Mel xo

          • Kitnixerie@gmail.com'
            Helen
            April 10, 2018

            Yes.I can see it in, if not two, at least one sibling. All seem to have some drug dependence which creates its own issues.

            Recent news of a set of mothers driving themselves and adopted children off a cliff in CA.,made the realization clear.Our mother threatened to kill us as children..as she would threaten to drive us off a cliff when we’d get in arguments with each other. (We didn’t know of any cliffs near where we lived, i.e., no mountains nearby, but it still got us to shut up.)

            The mother and ex-colleague stalker person, both..have driven what seems an irreparable wedge between my daughter and I. My one and only girl.I am grateful for the fun of raising her.She is lost to me now.

            Thank you for your web presence, Melanie-

        • Baileyface14@aol.com'
          Marysue Adams
          April 11, 2018

          Hello. I’m wondering, what are some differences between covert narcissism and C-PTSD? I seem to have some characteristics of covert N. I’ve been married for 23+ years to an overt N. I’m leaving him. I’ve also tried to seek help. Do covert N’s seek help ever? Yes, I’ve just signed up and begin opening the materials to NARP. Thank you so very much Melanie and all.

    • kaddawg@yahoo.com'
      kd
      March 1, 2018

      I am 3 years recovery from my ex Covert Narcissist. Took me 3 years for the fog to lift. Time will heal!
      Trust yourself! Love yourself! It’s okay to put yourself first! This is the time to do it. You were a thing to him.
      Like you, I gave all my time, energy, love, money, support..etc to him.. I look back now and almost throw up seeing clearly how he had me hooked—how addicted I was to him..It made me look deep inside and try to find out why. That’s what drew me to Melanie’s work…so true..

      In truth, lover and creation that is YOU! : )

    • cindygs427@gmail.com'
      Cindy Lilley
      March 1, 2018

      I left my Covert Narcissist husband three weeks ago. We were together nine years. One week after I left him he started seeing another women. Nine years I stood by him. He kept sextexting nude picks of himself and when I found them on his phone he would deny and tell me I was crazy and a complainer. He withdrew sex to punish me, I got the silent treatment, he gaslighted me. He blamed me for everything. He used me he expected me to do for him and I didn’t get anything in return. He destroyed me emotionally.

      • E-chacon@live.com'
        Erica
        March 12, 2018

        So terrible! I can relate. I left an 11 year cycle just 3 weeks ago…

      • jvthomas1@gmail.com'
        J
        March 22, 2018

        Cindy- this sounds EXACTLY like my ex. Was with him 6 years we have 2 small children and through Melanie’s work and a lot of YouTube videos I finally figured out what he was and the truth. I tried to kick him out of the home we shared (even though I had paid 100% of the bills and he did not work most of the 6 years we were together) and he WOULD NOT LEAVE. All his actions pointed toward he thought I was crazy and awful and had ruined his life, but he was a parasite I could not get rid of. It was so bizarre. He would become violent every time I pushed it and guilt me from going to the police or a lawyer (“ you want the father of your children to be homeless” “ I always knew you’d ruin my life”) when all I had ever done was give and wonder why he was so addicted to sex with random people he trolled through craigslist. I put up with his lies and believed I was the one who was crazy, until my doctor told me I had an STD (luckily a curable one), when I confronted him he was so nonchalant. “Get over it, just get a few shots, you’ll be fine.” I realized my health was in serious danger and he just did not care. It was surreal. How could someone not have basic Empathy and feel responsible for how one’s actions affect another human being? It was weeks of circular arguments trying to explain basic human decency, and it was all lost on him. FINALLY my mom came for the holidays from across country ( I have no family here, which I realize now made me a perfect target for him) and her presence as a sane outside perspective caused his mask to fall and him to slink away. Of course he turned it all around “the years of abuse he suffered from ME caused him to have a mental breakdown and become suicidal” He has tried to smear me to our neighbors and his family, thankfully he’s so crazy I think they know somethings up, but they still blame me for things. Luckily my mom was able to stay the last 3 months. She has to go home next week and I’m scared he’s going to try to come back. I wish I could move back home with my children, but the law here prevents me from doing so without his consent, which he’ll never give. He is still causing so much chaos in my and my childrens’ lives, but at least there is some distance between us for the moment. I’m trying to keep things stable as possible for my babies. And I’m getting stronger, I go to a domestic violence support group and see a therapist, and I’m learning I’m codependent and don’t even know what a boundary is, much less how to set one. It’s a slow process, but 10000 times better than living in and exposing my children to that hell.

        Sorry to rant so long. Good luck to you. Remember, you were conned. The man you fell in love with never really existed. It’s heartbreaking, like learning someone you loved dearly has died, but they were never even real. I get caught feeling like I can sometimes see the damaged little boy inside, who felt he had to kill his real self and create a monster to survive, and it hurts. I want to save that little boy, but I’m helpless. There’s no cure.

        • fiona.milton@hotmail.co.uk'
          Fiona
          June 24, 2018

          Hi I also have two children and he would send solicitors letters telling me to leave his house even though we were married. I am an only child and he used my difficult relationship with my dad as a tool against me. My parents have a very disfunctional relationship and he totally turned them against me telling them that I was the problem and that he wanted me to stay all the while he is making life hell and I felt like I was isolated and cut off as he didn’t want me working either. He wanted total control and financially I had to give him receipts for what I had bought at the supermarket etc. He was extremely jealous and had some very bizarre actions including barring me from his shop and getting his business partner to come and throw me and my then two year old out the shop for apparently being abusive which was a total lie! I left fleeing with a two year old in my arms confused by his behaviour and bringing other people in against me. I was never allowed any relations outside of him. I am glad I have left him over a month now but he is getting more nasty and controlling and emailing all sorts of rubbish. He told me he won’t be fair and made lots of threats about he’s got the best lawyer and back up and I better watch out. I still feel powerless against him as has an army on his side! I can’t believe how charming he is and how people fall for it as his actions behind the scene are totally different. How do I pick up the pieces for the kids and I as I feel like the easiest solution would be to forget court and come away from a six year relationship/marriage with nothing which is what he wants.

        • riley413@gmail.com'
          Angela
          July 19, 2018

          It’s been 20 years for me. I own the house and we aren’t actually married. I wanted to be married. I came from an abusive household with a drug addict mother, who in fact over-dosed and died in 2009. The state put me in foster care and that was a truly awful experience. I have never felt wanted and very much wanted to be married. He never asked and has never given a reason why other than to say, “You don’t want to marry me.”

          Then why are we together? To hold me captive (yes, I know I need to get past the victim mentality) for 20 years without a proposal is selfish and cruel. He could not comprehend how that could be cruel. I have a deep primal need to feel secure with a family. I believe he has always dangled that like a carrot, but leading me to believe it was my fault because I went through a period where I was drinking very heavily. He used that to re-enforce my insecurities and prove that I am simply unworthy.

          Heck, he even tried to have me committed a few years back, I woke up and the police were at my door with an ambulance. They handcuffed me to a gurney and brought me to the emergency room for a psych eval. That didn’t stick but it embarrassed the hell out of me. His latest thing is he thinks I am bipolar because I have an enhanced sense of smell and I made the mistake of trying to get him to behave as a partner and contribute to our household. I went to the movies with him (which I really don’t like doing) and sent three weekends in a row doing things he wanted to do hoping he would see that I am willing to try. By the 4th week of him ignoring what needs to be done around the house and having no given me a cent towards bills in 3 months, I lost it and exploded. He says I must be bipolar because nobodies moods change that fast. I need help with the bills and he’s off buying himself toys.

          I told him I can’t live like this anymore and he needs to leave and he simply won’t. He uses all sorts of scare tactic, specifically how he’ll “get” our 16 year old daughter (which he first said to me when I was 7 months pregnant… “You know if anything happens it will be me that gets the kid. I’ll make sure of it.”) because I am the one with the substace abuse in my past and the erratic behavior. I’m not so much worried that that would happen but I am concerned about the damage he will inflict upon her. I was going to try to stick it out until she turned 18, but my life has become a living hell. He won’t even get out of my bed and move into the guest room! He just acts like I never said anything.

          I thought I was protecting myself by buying the house on my own, having all the bills in my name, not sharing a bank account, etc., but I couldn’t have been more wrong. Since this is his legal residence I can’t just kick him out and change the locks. I have to go through a formal eviction process with him still living here. That will take months and I just know if I serve him papers he is going to rain hellfire down upon me. His goal will be total annihilation and he won’t care who else gets caught in the crossfire.

          I know the answers begin with me, but I just don’t know if I am going to have the strength to see the process through and watch him tear apart our daughter. I can’t just leave MY house. I won’t have the money to get a new place and pay the mortgage. Plus it’s MY HOUSE!

          I can’t sell it because he was supposed to remodel it, while I paid the bills. I bought the place in 2004 and not a single room is finished. He does bt and pieces and then moves on. There are rooms that have no heat because he decided he was going to disconnect the oil heating from the vents and he covered most of the vent with flooring. We have one pellet stove but it only heats half the house. Because of everything that is unfished and ripped apart the house is worth far less than when I bought it. Again, I think this is another tactic to keep me trapped.

          I filed bankruptcy in 2010 because he was supposed to be paying our property taxes each year. It was his one responsibility until he basically stole the car I bought in 2008 from me, to which I finally said fine take it but make sure you make the payments. He didn’t pay the taxes for 3 years or the car payments for 9 months. In the course of one week, I had a lien put on the house and the car repossessed. I was a fool to trust him. I wasn’t working at the time either. It was a punch in the gut, yet I somehow accepted his rationalizations and ended up blaming myself!

          I just can’t walk away from the house now. I’m just now crawling out from all the financial damage (side note, he was bragging the other day how he is a credit ghost and proof that you don’t need credit to live in 2018).

          I’ll figure this out, but I have to get right with me and find the strength within myself to start the eviction process.

    • ann-dick@blueyonder.co.uk'
      ANN
      March 1, 2018

      i was married to a narcissists for 34 years, more of a covert but some overt,everyone loved him, i got nothing but misery from him and his addictions to porn and i think drugs never caught him but had my suspicions,i spent years on anti depressants because he convinced me i had issues from my child hood he blamed me for everything he did and his addictions,yet when any one visited or we were out sideor as i called it the cameras were on he acted so caring i got told over and over how lucky i was to have him that not not many men would put up with your depression and anxiety issues, that he was causing indoors,when i finally caught on to what was happening and decided enough was enough i saw a evil monster in front of me who looked like he was going to murder me,that was 4 years ago ,he had a new woman within 2 months still with her ,i am alone still not better but getting there,and still getting told how great a man he is and i should not have let him go.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        March 2, 2018

        Hi Ann,

        awww it is your time to heal Dear Lady after so much trauma. Please come into my free webinar so that you can learn how to release this and start claiming your True Life. https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

        You deserve so much better than this pain.

        Mel xo

      • astewartpfundt@gmail.com'
        angie
        March 2, 2018

        ANGIE
        Hi Ann I was with a covert narcissist for 30 years,renovated a century home and cottage with him for a decade. He suffered a tortured childhood had ptsd, and hid behind a quiet, so called humble exterior. However, he often withheld love,sex now I know he had a heavy porn addiction,masturbation, addiction to his phone and computer, and who knows an addiction to one night stands. He never seemed to encourage the children, now looking back he treated them like friends and secretly went against me when it came to guide them morally etc,especially in teen years and adulthood.Looking back, I see it for what it was, think maybe he wanted them to fail. Everything came crashing down as we were near the finish line of reno completion. He started the discard,verbally attacking,accusing me,gaslighting me,stonewalling,calling me crazy,saying that I never finished my degree or a great career, told me he never loved or respected me . My emotions were shattered,he shamed for my tears and he had no mercy in the gruelling schedule, full time work doing the designs,painting all,gardening and landscaping both. Before that I worked 2 menial jobs to contribute to children ed I was physically,emotionally pushed as he discarded me. I was a squatter,a hasbeen as you said about his look,he did want to kill me,physically attacked,strangled and threatened my life. He even accused me of provoking his violence,after smeared me,manipulated my adult children against me and legally battling. Having such a difficult time to trust and believe I can move past this and so ashamed of what 30 yrs was,how he sees his children. I had to leave my community,job,go no contact with even children. It feels like I have been to hell and wonder where I’ll fit in now. How I can feel I will ever be able trust others or myself.
        I have been in a battle to survive 1 yr now, have to face it, little support, or have few who ever knew before this happened.It feels so frightening and I am lost.

      • E-chacon@live.com'
        Erica
        March 12, 2018

        This makes my stomach turn!

    • kathryn.akers71@gmail.com'
      Kathryn AKERS
      March 2, 2018

      The fact I keep getting sucked in into helping him even tho we’ve been seperated for 4 years I was married to him for 36 years and yes I was helping him with his porn addiction, gambling addiction, drug addiction’s hell I even read Dr. Phil books to him he always had lies upon lies! here’s a tiny example he is a truck driver works out of town and he’s homeless at the moment cause he was living with my dad but now my dad is living with and I refuse to let him move in with me.but he needed a shower and some food,what do I do! yep! let him come over anyway he stole some little things nothing to call the police over my wet wapes! lol but when confronted him,deny,deny, then play the game maybe you missed placed it! or say it in so many words I’m losing it I have a bad memory! Then he says he leaving really no kidding he should leave Since he left! I have been totally drianed upset distrut crying,freaking out! and I’m angry at my self thanks for reading Kathryn Akers

  • cristyatfiu@yahoo.com'
    Christy
    February 28, 2018

    I invested time, energy (spending all my day with him at the expense of my interests), services (house work,)

    • algonquinn88@gmail.com'
      Janet
      February 28, 2018

      I realize how all my thoughts were connected to his life and gad here I am 9 years later and it still can consume me…

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        February 28, 2018

        Hi Janet,

        please, please know there is a way out of that terrible thought / emotion loop.

        I’d love you to come into my free webinar and learn how, the link is through here: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

        Mel xo

        • algonquinn88@gmail.com'
          Janet
          February 28, 2018

          Thanks…I listened to the video and have done the 16 day program…I suppose what happens is when I read posts online it reminds me of something and then I get irritated with having to accept that my white Knight wasn’t that…and then trying to find a way to be even with my 28 year old daughter who got married if she brings more things up…as she said she wonders if she ever really knew him…he moved to Brisbane from Canada 6 years ago and is engaged to a woman who he will marry in May..and whose two older daughters live with them…she was devastated by this…his being with them and not her…all this came out months before her wedding….I have spoke to her about our not knowing how to communicate with conflict as she said she never heard us argue which is true…I am working towards having an honest relationship with her but wonder if I just have to let it play out for her as she will go to Brisbane for his wedding in May and I am concerned for her and how she will react but she is choosing to take this step…her husband will be with her…

          • algonquinn88@gmail.com'
            Janet
            February 28, 2018

            Melanie

            I feel what happened was that I was retriggered when I saw my ex at our daughter’s wedding in sept and having moved across the country after being laid off I put myself someplace isolated but now realize I have too much time to thinlk so want to move back and secure work again…to fill my days with productive work.

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            February 28, 2018

            Hi Janet,

            You are very welcome 🙂

            The thing is Dear Lady, that when we still have trauma in our body, we are triggered, it does hurt, we are reminded easily of the horrors and disappointments we suffered … and if we don’t release it, we are always still stuck with it – trying to not have it there! Whilst it keeps causing us anxiety and depression and repeat enactments of what we haven’t healed yet.

            But it has its way with us – it keeps us separated from connecting to our true and healthiest abuse-free life. The other thing is the most empowering thing we can do for our kinds is lead the way – even as young adults – when we get well they do also.

            Yes, absolutely let her work it out for herself, and let go of her stuff and heal yours .. otherwise, you will push her away from you.

            Have you considered NARP to get free from that trauma and pain once and for all? https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

            Mel xo

          • bhoegen@asparis.fr'
            Barbara
            March 1, 2018

            Dear Janet,
            Your note really moved me. I know my X will marry in the future and this is why I’m working hard to get over him with the NARP program. I want to be whole again.These narcs are all the same. The pain they cause is so painful and I hear the worry in your voice about your daughters trip. These young adults think the break up is a normal break up but the narcs world of breaking up is very abnormal. If he ever loved his family there should not be this kind of pain attached to it. Over time you should normally accept that the marriage dissolved and everyone moves on. This not so with the narc. There is a pain that never feels right. That’s the abuse lingering in your hearts. The stealth manipulations over the years by the covert narc leaves a chiasm in your heart. The fake husband and all his fake ways are shocking to us as our love was genuine. Narcs don’t love, they are damaged and they don’t change. He survives everyday hurting people and sucking their life force out of them. They know exactly what they are doing but their disorder drives them to use people to survive.
            Just to let you know my daughter has the same feelings of hurt after her dad left me but chooses to have no contact with him because of all his lies and manipulations. Both m kids stand by me and protect me against this man. They see clearly that even in their lives he was the centre of the family never them so they cut him off. He contacts them all the time trying to hoover them back but for now he’s is not a part of their lives.
            The reality is in my opinion is that your daughter is still living in the illusion that her father loves her. Remember these men don’t feel love if he’s a narc. They never loved us, the kids and most importantly they don’t love themselves. They wake up everyday looking for fuel. He is using your daughter for fuel. He will never let her go because in his mind she is an extension of him and is entitled to extract fuel from her. The fuel he adores is negative fuel and he will continue to hurt her for this delicious negative fuel. He is getting his positive fuel from the other 2 girls but they too will see his true colours in the future. He’s an empty vessel and is only looking out for himself.
            The wedding will be all about him! The idea that his daughter will travel so far to see him marry another with her 2 daughters at his side will really hurt her and he will be gathering optimum fuel from her pain. He is not a prize but she feels like the other 2 are taking her dad. Let him go, this man if he’s a narc is playing everyone so he is all fuelled up on a daily basis. He knows she will be hurt on this day and this lets everyone around think that this is a normal remarriage where everyone is getting more and more tricked into his covert narc world.
            These covert narcs are so sneaky. I was abused with great stealth for 24 years and finally his mask fell off and I saw who he really is. Tell your daughter that a wedding is just another day. Her being so far away from home may leave her exposed to his manipulations. If she does go, tell her to journal her feelings. Has she read up on Narcissism as a personality disorder? If she has maybe she should or talk to a therapist who knows about Narcs. Nothing comes good from these people. He wants her at the wedding to showcase himself.
            Remember he’s main aim in life is not love but getting fuel to survive. He is marrying this woman because he needs a constant supply of fuel not love. Yes, he acts all lovey dovey but he does not love anyone not even himself. He doesn’t have those emotions. He does know how to fake those feelings very well though. That’s how they manipulate us. They know what we want and give it to us then take it away.
            He is full of self loathing and he must quiet his super ego every day to feel alive by getting positive and negative fuel. Unfortunately for your daughter because she is a blood relative she will be used for negative fuel. They always abuse the one that are the closest. Feel sorry for his new wife. She has no idea what her life will be like married to this monster in disguise. I’m sure the love bombing is over and the devaluation has started without her even knowing because it is so subtle. That’s what the covert narc does. One cut at a time over time. The stinging feeling as you become a different person. I stuck it out with my husband for 24 years. In the end, I was hospitalised 16 times in 12 months because I went into anaphylactic shock for what they thought were allergies. Guess what no allergies just my body telling me to get away from this toxic person. I was really a shell of myself and my body was exhausted from the subtle abuse over the 24 years. He’s been gone for 8 months. I was heartbroken. I thought I could not carry on with life. I wanted to die. My kids stood guard over me. My son 30yrs old works from home to keep an eye on me. I never saw the break up coming but the aftershock of being married to a cover narc is so painful. But guess what, no more anaphylactic shock. I’ve lost 32 kilos, dyed my hair and looking fabulous. I am popular at work, everyone is kind to me, I’ve dumped his friends who spied on me and I’m making new friends and moving forward using Melanie’s program. These men are really the lowest of the low and they know what they do to us. He knows he will hurt his new wife but he needs her fuel. I hope your daughter doesn’t get hurt and you are right to worry but everyone has freedom to choose. She will work it out.
            If he’s a narc he’s a narc and like any other personality disorder you know if you have done your research what their life rhythm is so predictable. You don’t need to tell her not to go, tell her to read up on narcissism. She is living the dream about having a normal emotional father and they will never be that I promise her. When she has her own children she will realise how far off being a real dad he really was. Some people need life to be there teacher and she will understand over time.
            The most important person in all of this is you Janet. Stay well and thank your lucky stars the universe guided you away from this man. Live your life, stay no contact and thrive. I’m am not there yet. I still cry and have to see him at work occasionally. He hates that I am no contact and looking fabulous with friends, but in my quiet moments I do cry and wish my fake life with my fake husband and all his fake love would have been real but my logical brain kicks in and tells me that it was not real. I have to tell myself this everyday. My loneliness kicks in once and a while. I’m 57 and hope that true love will come my way again but I have to love myself first. I meet only married men at the moment. It is so weird. I really am a magnet to these narc men. Two of the men I’ve met are pure narcs. I’m a super empath and they can spot me a mile away but I’m wiser now and send them on their way. Thanks to Melanie I know what they are and I stay well clear of these life sucking fuel seeking sicko sucubusses.
            I only wish your daughter would research narcs and their relationships more and she wouldn’t be getting on that plane to be a fuel tanker for your X. He really doesn’t care and she needs to step out of this magical land daddy has made for her. There is no love there just abuse so he can have his fuel. He may say the right things to her when she is there but once and a while if she listens carefully the jabs will be there. She needs to open her ears and eyes, and you Janet remain no contact. Tell your daughter not to give him any information about your life. He will love to hear that you are wounded by him getting married. No information about your life should go to him because that too will fuel him. His marriage is another magical illusion! He has her traits now. The old husband and father you and your daughter knew is gone. When he left he threw that mask on the ground. He found new fuel and a new magical forest to live it until it all becomes stale and then her abuse will start, but we both know that her devaluation will really kick in when he thinks he owns her forever.. She will be abused, it will take time but I hope your daughter realises that she is part of his fuel matrix, part of how he gets attention to survive. Starve him out and his abuse for negative fuel will escalate with this new woman and she too will eventually figure out she married an illusion. What a life of hell she will live. She may end up like me in hospital with psychosomatic symptoms as your body screams from abuse. Feel sorry for her. She thinks he really loves her and her love is real for him but she has no idea what is in store for her. Feel good that you are out.
            If you want to chat or be in touch. I’m in agony but I will never allow that monster to use me for fuel again. It’s like all these narcs go to the same school! The cycle of covert abuse will continue and continue he just has a new playground to play on. Take care Janet. Your daughter will one day put her foot down. Just be there for her and give her unconditional love and keep sending her to websites about Narcs. Have a look at Hg Tudor Sam Vadkin , Little Shaman(down to earth but to the point) and of course continue to heal that inner person will Melanie. MY heart feels for you and your daughter. Join Melanie and us Narpers. You will heal and become so much stronger. You have one life and Melanie will help you dig deep and find your personal traumas and heal. I’m not there yet and still hide away to lick my wounds but life is so precious. I listen to Melanie’s story and I relate to her and when I see how she is thriving I can’t wait to be that chick again! These guys conned us of our most precisous parts of US. The only person to love us now is US. Take care Janet.

          • E-chacon@live.com'
            Erica
            March 12, 2018

            All of these comments are terrifying! So sad. So many examples of lives shattered and years lost with the narcs. Terrible! On the other hand it makes me so glad that I got out before being married or having kids! Blessings and healing to all of us!

        • algonquinn88@gmail.com'
          Janet
          March 1, 2018

          I took out the narp program and can see how I so often gave my power away..how it began in childhood…it’s always about claiming your own power and never giving it over to another and yet for us codependents it seems we have to learn this lesson the painful way.

        • Tb35884@gmail.com'
          Teresa
          March 2, 2018

          Hi Melanie, I could not find away to leave a comment. If I may, I would like to leave one with you. I was discarded recently, I found out about his cheating two days ago. I feel shocked, with deep pain of betrayal. I was suicidal and I feel abandoned and betrayed.I still live with him because I can’t afford to move out yet. I also feel traumatized by his rage and lake of concern for my welfare.

      • sandramarianyc@gmail.com'
        sandra
        February 28, 2018

        Until I found this information i lived terrified,i did not know why i lived in a batterfield.I have two kids and i have lost everything…
        My work, my friends .My family does not support me.When i realize, it was to late to escape,i am still looking for a job but i cant find one.
        I am in his hands to support me and my kids. I dont have any intentions to stay, i just want to run away but it seems to be impossible over the last 2 years, because of the financial support. It seems i am stuck.
        Thank you so much for all your dedication to this cause.you were a light in my life.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          March 1, 2018

          Hi Sandra,

          please know in the Quantum Truth we are all connected to – when you shift on the inside the “way” will appear on the outside.

          When we start to release those feelings of stuck and trapped – then the “way” will appear.

          That has been the case for so many, and it can be for you too.

          Have you connected yet to my free transformational healing resources? They will help you so much: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

          I hope this helps.

          Mel xo

    • ceembee2013@hotmail.com'
      Cee
      April 11, 2018

      I hear you Christy. I gave him my time and energy. It was never reciprocal. And sadly, I always gave him the benefit of the doubt, even with hard evidence to the contrary in front of me, and my intuition screaming at me! They really do suck you dry, physically, mentally and emotionally.

  • hill.maria.e@gmail.com'
    Maria Hill
    February 28, 2018

    My mother was a professional victim and my father and brothers always ran to her rescue. One day being an empath I stood next to her and I could feel her energy as an empty shell and it scared me half to death. I remember once when I asked to do something I wanted, that both my parents said to me you can take care of us or do what you want. And obviously, there was only one answer as far as they were concerned. I was about 12. Their victimhood showed up in every way – they were extremely punitive people.

    I was reading an article today about sexual abuse in the Catholic Church, my family is Catholic and one thing stood out and I think it is related. One woman who went back to the Church after being abused told about how the wound and pain never ended because there was no closure. There was no positive place to get to and this article was suggesting that it was a Catholic thing but I also think it is a narcissism thing. The hook was the illusion that at some point if I worked hard enough, was generous enough I would be valued. That day never came and I am pretty accomplished. Basically, I was expected to be a self-sacrificing martyr – that was the only way I could be with them and all they wanted. They were also violent.

    I saw an article once on future faking and I think that is part of the seduction: this future that you get invested in creating but you find out you are creating it all by yourself. So one thing I always look for now is whether someone one is present with me.

    • vvwilliamson@yahoo.com'
      Wiser but not stronger
      February 28, 2018

      Wow, the “future faking” comment is profound! Yes, that is exactly right. My 23 year marriage can be summed up that way. And, yes, looking back, he was never present with me. I could tell before I married him to some degree, but didn’t know how to interpret that. Thank you for sharing!

      • algonquinn88@gmail.com'
        Janet
        February 28, 2018

        That’s a key too…never being really present woith you…I remember my ex saying ‘I can be home for your birthday or our daughter’s grad as I have a golf trip’…it was never ‘I won’t go’…gad this video tonite reminds me of the nightmare I lived in more clearly…

      • belindabruce780@gmail.com'
        Bel
        February 28, 2018

        Yes, same. I always knew there was something not right but I just couldn’t put my finger on it. It wasn’t until towards the end of our 25 year marriage that I started to see all the text book signs of a covert narcissist. He triangulated me with his parents, my oldest teen, the friend I went to for help and one if his affair partners also using some of them to side with him against me. He even tried to have me committed to a psyche ward but gave up when my cousin intervened and told him that was not happening. He said things at the end i never imagined him saying. He use to always go on an and on about his integrity. And yes, there was porn addiction too. Everything and I mean everything was twisted around and out on me. It was all my fault and by then, normally strong, I was believing him. A bigger question for me now is those like his parents that enable this behaviour, refuse to see any other side and side with him. Even against their grandchildren.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 28, 2018

      Hi Maria,

      it is so true that it is a “narcissistic thing” which can permeate into any religion, society or walk of life … and of course home.

      The truth is, to be unconditionally whole – that our closure, peace and healing is really between us, ourselves and our Higher Power (of our choice). Thank you for your post.

      Mel xo

      • algonquinn88@gmail.com'
        Janet
        February 28, 2018

        Is there a stage Melanie when we should get beyond listening and reading about narcissism…as I read things I realize all the insanity looking back…does one reach a point where you have taken in enough info??

        Janet

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          February 28, 2018

          Hi Janet,

          Oh gosh yes!

          Truly my work is about you NOT needing this “information”. They are supplements only when you may still require until that time when you don’t NOT need them … and, even from the beginning, I subscribe to the 90/10 rule – 90% focus on healing ourselves, and 10% on narcissism understanding.

          Even though at the start of our journey understanding what a narcissist is and does is important, it NEVER heals us. What does heal us is the transformational inner work on our own subconscious programs.

          That is the NARP work: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

          I am happy to say that so many of our NARP graduates move out on from this community and never have to look back at any N-info (unless they are choosing to help others out of the darkness as well) because narcissism and abuse have become Not Their Reality!

          Does that explain?

          Mel xo

          • algonquinn88@gmail.com'
            Janet
            February 28, 2018

            Yes thank you Melanie…you are an angel…

          • algonquinn88@gmail.com'
            Janet
            February 28, 2018

            I realize what a more well rounded person I have become over 9 years and can fall into no doubt a trap of ‘do you not see what an amazing person I am now’…and yet I am too strong now…I see thru him…it’s the final stage of accepting this is who he is and he doesn’t care that he broke our family

    • lynnea08@aol.com'
      Lynn
      February 28, 2018

      The future thing resonates with me. “The hook was the illusion that at some point if I worked hard enough, was generous enough I would be valued.” That is So very true…I was invested in my dream of what was. Not the reality of it. So hard to see the reality with a covert narcissist

  • alchemi000@hotmail.com'
    Michelle
    February 28, 2018

    Today the narc said to me “I have no problem being shamelessly capitalistic, in case you haven’t noticed this is the way of the world”. This triggered anger and resentment in me barbecue it does seem that our western culture glorifies Narcissists, so Narcs are using capitalist political ideals to justify there cruel methods of emotional and mental abuse. When he said this it caught me off guard and made me feel small as it made the impression in my mind that the government stands with narcs and we are alone. Can anybody give me advise on how to deal with a Narc that uses that strategy?

    • algonquinn88@gmail.com'
      Janet
      February 28, 2018

      I recall my ex coming home saying he had his team grossing more money than any other team’…I found it so boastful but now I see the narcissism

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 28, 2018

      Hi MIchelle,

      there is only one way to deal with any narcissist.

      Detach, don’t take on their warped version of things, or try to change it (that just hands them narcissistic supply on a platter) and create and generate your own life and values without them.

      That is how we have sane, healthy, wholesome lives.

      It is never possible when entangled with a narcissist.

      Michelle, if want to learn how to detach and start working towards this-this is the first step: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Mel xo

    • honeybun@loonysocialist.com'
      Sue
      February 28, 2018

      The biggest covert narcissists of all are communists. Marx himself was a classic — married a rich woman with influential friends, exploited them ruthlessly and spent all her money… oh and cheated on her. I expect he guilt-tripped her every day for being bourgeois.

      They fake humility and love of their fellow men, but once they fool enough people and get into power the mass graves, bread queues and shortages begin in earnest. While they live the high life in dachas and use zil lanes. I’ll take honest capitalism any time. Communism and National Socialism have killed about 100 million people during the past 100 years. How many deaths are enough?

      • caroline@novohomes.com.au'
        Caroline
        March 1, 2018

        So true

  • vvwilliamson@yahoo.com'
    Wiser but not stronger
    February 28, 2018

    Covert narcissist. Did not know of such thing and was married to him 23 years. Then discovered his porn addiction, secret life/paramour, and that he was hiding vast sums of money and company ownership that I could not prove in court. You describe him verbatim in this video. Passive aggressive stonewaller who would even attack me personally when he simply wanted to go somewhere else for dinner. Couldn’t even simply say he wanted to go somewhere else. It was a long, slow decline that nearly destroyed me. The links to narcissism when I was researching porn addiction are what put all the pieces together for me. Yes, my mother was an overt narcissist. I was the scapegoat. I figured out I was neither the cause, nor the solution, to her problems and moved away at age 20. When I finally married at age 29, I was hooked by this covert narcissist. We have a daughter 21 who is is flying monkey — very manipulating, untrustworthy, acting out after our divorce. I am almost past the point of concern for her because she always creates drama, strife, blame where there is none and it is always my fault. I believe she will be narcissist herself. I can’t reach under her facade at all, and she suddenly became like this at about age 12/13ish after our marital strife began. I understand that age is typical for narcissism to solidify in those susceptible to it. But my son, age 17, graduates in a couple of months. He stayed with me first 2 years after the split. Then daughter ridiculed him for being “mama’s boy”, and who knows how my covert narcissist ex and his family pressured him — then he went with his dad. May have been related to his need for male bonding/puberty, but hard to distinguish all the influences. Nearly killed me. Though we have “joint” custody, primary placement with his dad ultimately rules. My son visits, and still has a tender heart, but I do not know what that environment will do to him. I have all the classic PTSD symptoms, isolation, lack of motivation. Trying to deal with it. Re-opened my own business, just not forming new relationships to replace the old. I don’t trust anyone. Everyone is out for themselves ultimately.

    • nevandjo@letsgo.com.au'
      JOanna
      February 28, 2018

      Wiser but not stronger,

      Just one point, you say, “she suddenly became like this at about age 12/13ish AFTER our marital strife began”. Do you think you could look at it as the result of your marital strife ?? That’s what marital strife does to kids. That’s the outcome. So she has a reason to be the outcome of your marital strife. Maybe approach her that was, because that’s the truth. You need to profusely apologize and show that you mean it. She didn’t destroy your life until you destroyed hers. I’m not having a go at you. Just the understanding and facing what actually happened is very helpful and healing. She may come around IF you speak the truth from her eyes, her point of view. You can help heal your daughter’s pain because in most ways you and your husband created it. Honesty and humility heals. I know you are hurting very much. But if you truly want a good relationship with your daughter, it starts by being honest with what her parents did to her when she was only 12/13ish. If you don’t, she will find other mother type figures to fill your gap. It’s really up to you. Just acknowledge the truth and the hurt TO HER. And go from there. All the best. PS. It makes me cry when I see a good mother/daughter relationship, I think it’s beautiful. @<@

      • jenniferaubin26@gmail.com'
        jenn
        February 28, 2018

        Thank you JOanna – you took the words right out of my mouth in your reply here!

      • Heatherneeley@ymail.com'
        Heather Neeley
        February 28, 2018

        I have discovered that if I just step towards what I want and create a change I will keep going out of other strong values I have. Then I am a little step further despite my insecure self…..and I do feel better and find more glimmers of hope. This is my humble truth after a covert long term narcissist and next a covert/overt relationship. Yes my business has been destroyed, I am willing to let go and be employed for consistent money and benefits and grateful! I was abandoned at home and in my business….. now I am free!

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          March 1, 2018

          Hi Heather,

          that is so great you have that positive attitude and you are prepared to be the change that you want to live in your life.

          That is empowering!

          Mel xo

    • nevandjo@letsgo.com.au'
      JOanna
      February 28, 2018

      Wiser but not stronger,

      A misspelled word. I meant, in the sixth sentence ” maybe approach her that way”

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 28, 2018

      Hi W B N S,

      I am so sorry you have been through so much, and your life has been about narcissistic abuse from the beginning.

      Please know, it doesn’t have to be a life sentence for you – because if and when you clear the trauma out from within you – space will be there for lifeforce, wellbeing, and purpose to flow through you … regardless of the past.

      I am passionate about helping people recover themselves, and I promise you that there are many people in this community who have – even those who have never known anything other than narcissistic abuse.

      If you want to try for more – I would love to help you and hold your hand: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Mel xo

  • ozlisteners@gmail.com'
    Ross Parry
    February 28, 2018

    Hi, I just listened to your video, and you mentioned the “altruistic narcissist”. I would like to learn more about them. Thankyou.

  • algonquinn88@gmail.com'
    Janet
    February 28, 2018

    Always bolstering his confidence…assuring him of his appearance…feeling he worked hard at a job all day and earned his time doing what he wanted while I was a stay at home mother who replicated my mother’s role…bolster the husband at the expense of myself…I took care of everything except going out to work…he didn’t have to take responsibility for anything…my faulty belief passed down…being both parents looking back…enabling as a friend said…we never spent time with his friends only mine…perhaps a way to keep any of them seeing who he was with me vs my friends…where perhaps he put on an act…I pandered to him since he grew up with unloving parents…I supported his interests to my detriment…even his involvement in a culti”ike group called Ramtha…I must say say I felt calmer when he was away but I kept it hidden as I didn’t want friends knowing an intelligent person who was my husband was connected with this group…so I was always keeping secrets even telling our young daughter not to tell friends her dad was away again…so I was embarrassed…so yes I can look at all of it and see the enabling. I am divorced from him and been on my own for 9 years…have done the rescuing of my yyounger co-dependent child recommended taking back my power.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 28, 2018

      Hi Janet,

      that is so great now that you this is over and you are healing your inner being.

      Wishing you wonderful, safe, healthy reciprocal relationships and being a lovely model of that for your daughter.

      Mel xo

      • algonquinn88@gmail.com'
        Janet
        February 28, 2018

        Is there a point where we stop taking in more info as it takes me back and I think to myself ‘how did I survive 25 years of mariage’…but also is there a point where I should stop reading articles and watching videos as it does remind me…often taking me to a memory I had forgotten which allows me to see yet another crazy moment with him??

        Janet

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          March 1, 2018

          Hi Janet,

          when we heal our original traumas that have co-generated (unconsciously) the abuse in our life – there is no need for articles/information – we are free and it just is NOT our reality anymore!

          Truly when I ever recall – for the point of helping others – what happened to me – it is like it happened to someone else. It doesn’t take me back because that trauma is no longer in my bring.

          Does that make sense?

          Transformational healing – doing the work inside our inner beings and truly heals us. Information is just regurgitated information. It is intended as a supplement to transformational healing.

          Mel xo

  • kfisk55@gmail.com'
    Kim
    February 28, 2018

    My relationship lasted 10 years with a man that i thought was the love of my life.
    My the end of it i was a shadow of my former self.
    I know now that he was a mixture of overt and towards the end mailnly covert.
    It left me feeling very confused, depressed and eventually i got sick.
    He claimed that he loved me and then threw me to the wolves the next minute.
    All the qualities that i liked in myself as a human being, he attacked.
    He projects all his and his daughters narsisisstic traits onto me.. i felt so confused and he almost destroyed me.
    I left and now i am not looking back. Im smiling again after hitting rock bottom.

    • algonquinn88@gmail.com'
      Janet
      February 28, 2018

      I relate to your feeling a ‘shadow of your former self’…after he was gone…I told him to leave which he wanted..i was tired of his being out with friends drinking or going on golf trips…I was the one cleaning up his messes..taking wine bottles back to the recyling depot…he was more of a covert narcissist with some overt going on….it took me a lot of years building myself back and moreso I realize from even before I met him due to early trauma so I am grateful for Melanie’s workshop on rescuing your younger self….

    • algonquinn88@gmail.com'
      Janet
      February 28, 2018

      Yay to smiling again!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 28, 2018

      Hi Kim,

      I am so pleased that you are out, and wishing for you continued healing and blessings.

      Mel xo

  • vintagejunker@gmail.com'
    Dawson Needham
    February 28, 2018

    First question: “How was I the caretaker for the Narcissist in my life at my own expense? My Narcissist had me on a tight schedule of sleep overs that at first were random. Then became mandatory. And Sundays at her house was always mandatory. I was put on a very strict Sunday time schedule with curfew at about 12-1:00 in the afternoon. But that was unclear-by her own design. And if my work schedule got in the way, I was in Trouble! So I gave up a lot of peace of mind with this uncertainty of never knowing when the shoe would drop.

    Second question: What did I miss out on in the relationship? Reciprocity and personal freedom. Being under someones thumb. She was a wall flower and played the victim role like a “pro”, after the relationship was over that is. The coverts are particularly sadistic, which is really a Mind F*&^! You give your power over to someone who shows no empathy toward you, what so ever, and wants to call all the shots. That is pure Psychopath.

    • algonquinn88@gmail.com'
      Janet
      February 28, 2018

      It is eerie how psychopathic it can be…once when a friend of his cancelled a golf game as his daughter was ill my husband said ‘he is becoming high maintenance’…I responded his child is sick and he said eerily ‘are you calling me a psychopath’..gad it makes me cringe just letting that sink in…i’m glad I got out…I empathize with you…it can take years to get past it as it is mind blowing.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 28, 2018

      Hi Dawson,

      it is so true that piece by piece you give yourself up simply to fuel someone else’s life.

      Thank you for your share, and so hope you are clear of this now!

      Mel xo

  • Scrappingdj50@hotmail.com'
    Debbie
    February 28, 2018

    I have been married to mostly overt narcissist but he does have covert traits too. It’s been 44 years. I am having trouble getting out because I have nothing left of myself and no one can see what I do I’ve stayed home and raised our 3 girls so have not established my own credit or anything. My kids feel sorry for him because I have started standing up for myself and he now sleeps in another bedroom. He is taking all the blame for our broken marriage. He now is trying to be everything I wanted like finding Jesus Im so afraid of being pulled back from in and then he can’t maintain this new behavior. I don’t trust him!! But I can’t leave either. I’m so stuck. Can’t find a good counselor to help me become stronger. I know the key is in changing me and believing in myself. I keep getting hurt by others who are narcissist also. I’ve considered suicide its that bad. Oh how I pray God can come to my rescue before it’s to late. I have no one to trust

    • mandysart@mail.com'
      mandy
      February 28, 2018

      you poor thing – i feel so sorry for you – i really dont have any great advice – but i want you to know i am sending you all my good wishes

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 28, 2018

      Hi Debbie,

      my heart goes out to you, it is a very difficult situation being caught between that rock and hard place – not knowing what to believe or trust, or whether to grant yet another chance.

      Please consider my healing processes which have helped so many people get strong and clear, even when still connected to the narcissist.

      The truth is information alone really can’t help us – what needs to happen is a shift within our inner identity, in our subconscious programs and that is what my healing systems addresses – hence why it works. The first step is here: https://www.melaietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      I hope this can help.

      Mel xo

    • Donny.2@comcast.net'
      Donny Neuman
      February 28, 2018

      I have been in your airuation. Unfortunately many stay as I did for 11 years nd two kid she later . Now it’s been 9 years NDP he wants full susrosy of our sons till they are adults ! I can’t handle this ! He has refused to pay house taxes and has it planned he does not have to pay even support ! I was so naive and became ill with Fibromygua and other auto immune dieaaes leaving ne disabled. No way I am penniless and have no way to fight for my kids exper to pray he will loose in court with his team of lawyers who want o take me to trail for contempt that I took my sons to the doctor for anxiety over his verbal abuse and telling them mommy wil be homeless and youwil,ive with me! They are so traumatized they can barely funcruin in school which reflects basly inme even though thrynjniw he is not an dnwvwe has been a hands on father the courts I say all this to tell yiu don’t make the mistakes I dims. If you choose to,staynbe smaerer rhan me an drew journaize each day no matter what! Document ebbey rhungbyou can NDP plaeaae start pitting away money for the grand escape as I will be homeless soon ! Please do what melding tells you and I’ve haven’t had much time to watch her as I’ve been running like a n
      Mad woman trying to prepare for court ! Yet I know many whom have survived due to her knowlege and I pray I can take time to really watch her videos and join narp. I need the support ! Don’t wait il it seems too late like I did!

    • loreleew@telus.net'
      Lorelee
      February 28, 2018

      I was suicidal too and with no support from family/friends or even civic authorities – contacted 7 civic agencies including police and Human Rights Association to deal with neighbour abuse – no help. I had many episodes of spontaneously shaking for hours & waking up @80% of the time in a panic for @18 months. Within a couple of weeks of starting NARP my PTSD was dramatically reduced. I am now working with Melanie’s Self-Empowerment Program. I have a stronger sense of self-worth than I have ever had. Even though I am still living in an environment of continuous vigilance, I am healing. (We intend to leave our home of 28 years). Even when I see the neighbour or hear her voice, I am no longer triggered. I believe I have cleared some generational & collective trauma as well as personal trauma with NARP. I agree with many others who offer testimonials that Melanie’s program saves lives. I am healing & I believe will soon begin to thrive. It’s not too late – I am 62 & looking forward to the day when I am not only free from narc abuse but from a lifetime of shame for being “too sensitive”.

    • ann-dick@blueyonder.co.uk'
      ANN
      March 1, 2018

      hi Debbie i know exactly how you feel,i suffered 34 years like you brought up 3 kids no job no credit,i like you got the occasional change to pull me back in, believe me they never never change they wait till they think its all blown over then go right back to how it was before,what i did once i realized the pattern was to stop covering up for his addictions and bad behavior the time before the final time when i caught him at his porn addiction i got my 3 grown my kids and told him unless he admitted to his addictions and his bad behavior i would not take him back, he did admit just to get back but i put a condition on it that he promise if he went back to his old ways, which i knew was only a matter of time, that he had to leave the house and let me live there as i had done nothing but try and sort him and it was all his fault the marriage was over,he did this in front of my kids as he said i would never regret letting him back and he would change,so when it all started again and i caught him at his addictions again i said to him you promised and if you go back on your word everyone will know who you really are,upshot i got the house because he needs to look like the good one to everyone,i am alone now wont pretend its easy living on a part time wage i only work 9 hours it was all i could get they get more on benefits,he had a new woman within weeks,i i have no one ,my kids a 400 miles from me one son took his side,its not easy i wont lie but i would rather have what i have now than live a lie with him and make him look good

  • nevandjo@letsgo.com.au'
    JOanna
    February 28, 2018

    I’m still working things out. Are you an exjw ?? And would you recommend doing a Psychology course or even one subject. Since I’m already studying is it worth taking a Psychology elective or even major ?

  • mandysart@mail.com'
    mandy
    February 28, 2018

    it was a relationship an ‘overt’ narcissist that alerted me to the concept of narcissism. He was cruel and stupid

    But when i began reading about the personality traits and behaviour of narcs – all i could see was my family, especially my father – who was cruel in a different way…i always described it as cruel and clever..but i suppose it would be ‘covert’

    i had spent my entire life tormented and confused..never understanding why people behaved the way they did – and always trying to get a positive outcome…

    i spent time with my father every day, thinking it was some sort of duty – or that i could ‘fix it’ – and every day he would find some way to undermine me or belittle me – always with a smile and a cheer – or a gobsmacked innocence that something he had said or done would upset me (for the thousandth time)

    Then i went out with Shane – who turned out to be a raging monster – and this led to my discovery of narciccism

    I will always be incredibly grateful to Shane…because now i live 500kms away, in peace, with a lovely man, and i never believed that life could be this wonderful

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 28, 2018

      Hi Mandy,

      It is incredible how we can go from one type of narcissist to the other!

      I am so pleased that you are clear of this trauma and narcissism now.

      Mel xo

  • smalltowndrama@gmail.com'
    Tanya
    February 28, 2018

    Thank you Melanie! This feels like this was made for me and explains so much. I thought he was a narcissist but most of the info out there is for overt, not covert. You explained my life to a T. He started off as one the most caring men I had met. He wanted to know all my hurts and seemed so empathetic and kind. He was attentive and supportive. Over time the actions and words didn’t add up….he was constantly being a victim….Pouting….Faking illness…Huge mood swings…Tantrums. He could be happy one day and suicidal the next. I’m not sure if this fits, but if he was criticised he would be destroyed for days and would bring it up often. If I didn’t praise him he would pout.
    Melanie: is it common for coverts to be hypochondriacs? He’s always looking up illnesses, diagnoses himself with so many terminal illnesses, gets tested, only to find out he was healthy.
    How about immaturity?
    Finally: are Coverts capable of love?????
    Thanks again Mel. You are a Godsend!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 28, 2018

      Hi Tanya,

      I am so pleased this resonated with you.

      Oh YES that totally fits – covert narcissists can’t bear criticism. Yes, absolutely coverts can be hypochondriacs – it is a part of being a perpetual victim. Immaturity is massive … and no narcissists is capable of love. There is no True Self available to do “love”.

      Wishing you healing, blessings and your True Life Tanya.

      Mel xo

      • algonquinn88@gmail.com'
        Janet
        February 28, 2018

        Thank you for the reminder that coverts can’t handle criticism…mine said he would ignore me if I criticized him…I remember thinking ‘you say things to me and I just sat there and took it’..i now realize it’s our decision to listen…people say a lot of things and speak from anger…but no excuse…no enabling…so glad to be away from him…it’s terrible when you look back realizing you were living and creating a beautiful world on your own’…my daughter has said she wonder if she ever knew him…right before she married at the age of 28

  • amcblais777@gmail.com'
    Anne
    February 28, 2018

    I am married to a covert narcissist who fits 80% into that definition. I left him last February and we will have our first day in divorce court on our 34th anniversary next week. I wonder the meaning and chances of that, it speaks something.
    My goodbye letter left to him mirrored your talk; that your actions do not match your words, I do not exist to you, manipulation, lies, silent treatment, verbal punishment, and ruining everything that is true and good and beautiful in this life. I decided to check up on him and found he reached out to a male prostitute masseuse well out of our local area. He reached the pinnacle of trying to twist it around with full disclosure to our adult daughters since I had left him with no contact. What a spectacle he made!

    Melanie, your website has begun the healing process for ME who fits the empath definition perfectly! I am in a much better place already and find great consolation in knowing other people who get what life is like in such a relationship. There is so much hidden that no one would believe. So much is not spoken to others because they would not believe me that I have seen the face of evil in my own husband.

    I have shared your website with the daughter of a woman I met. She is currently in counseling with her husband and we share much brokenheartedness in common. She went online and called me crying 2 days later amazed at the information on your site that touched her. She told me she has just made a 180 degree turn in her approach to trying to fix her marriage. She got it quickly as you struck the chord that let her know you have been there too.

    Your work is a gift of truth and understanding to console many hearts in the world and to find our true selves as God meant us to be. Your work is spreading and filling holes in many hearts with validation and hope.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 28, 2018

      Hi Anne,

      I am so pleased you are out and walking your truth – and thank you so much for passing on my information to those in need.

      That is wonderful this lady has had a shift!

      Thank you for your beautiful words Anne and for being a force of goodness and truth yourself.

      Mel xo

    • algonquinn88@gmail.com'
      Janet
      February 28, 2018

      How true…becoming the people God intended us to be..well said!

  • kdmain29@gmail.com'
    Kenn
    February 28, 2018

    Covert !
    Yes i certainly feel that i recovered from the “overt narc ” relationship i had , which i now see clearly through the beifit of your Narp programme . But…..

    I think i have now been taken in by a Covert one.

    Your video was timely for me and as you pointed out ,i was looking for a new view point , with which to gauge
    My new relationship of the last 5 years . No guessing required ? Ive got a covert in my life .
    You also helped me. Recognise that i am an empath.
    I put the current disharmony in this relationship down to growing pains of a new relationship .Thehoney moon part being over an the real work of being with some one had begun. I now see that i am once again over giving and the architect of my own struggle ,once again trying to heal another, make her life simpler ,and taking all the responsibility. getting so little back.
    Great and timely fo me to see this “Covert video ” .feels so true.

    Best regards
    K

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 28, 2018

      Hi Kenn,

      I am so pleased this resonated with you and brought the power back to your as well.

      Wishing you incredible breakthrough into living your True Life in love.

      Mel xo

  • dianadesjardins@outlook.com'
    Diana
    February 28, 2018

    I am so glad to have watched this video. I have known now since I left my ex just over a year ago that he is a narcissist but was so confused because I know he has no confidence – which has been in conflict with all the narc stuff I have read. This video perfectly describes my ex and has given me a new way of how I look at how I reacted and contributed to/enabled the behaviour. I had no idea what a narcissist was until I was still in a complete suicidal depression months after finally leaving. Thank you Melanie for your program and for saving my life. Please don’t ever stop helping people xoxo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 28, 2018

      Hi Diana,

      awww sweetheart I won’t. I am so pleased you are out of that dark stage and working with NARP to fully recover YOU.

      It is YOUR time!

      Mel xo

  • anikayuzak@gmail.com'
    Sandy Bay
    February 28, 2018

    My ex-husband’s business and life was the focus of all our energy and required all our resources. My business was secondary, rarely discussed, and considered a hobby. I was responsible for maintaining our entire social and home-life while working a job and building his and my business. I was always trying to encourage him towards personal development and growth. I let my emotional needs go unmet for over ten years, while I tried to change him and heal him, hoping that we could have a healthy relationship someday.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 28, 2018

      Hi Sandy,

      thank you for your share …

      Sending many blessings and incredible healing to you.

      Mel xo

  • Rhellercastillo@hotmail.com'
    Rebecca
    February 28, 2018

    I was abused by both types. I am at a point in my life where i feel everyone that i meet are narcissists. I feel like i never want to let another man in my life. I want to b alone for the rest of my life. This is sad and frustrating and dissappointing. I am taking time to heal and self loving. I am having difficulty learning my childhood traumas as to how i am attracting these types of men. It is so hard my mind ruminates i still have difficulty falling asleep and staying asleep i find myself reading listening everything about narcissism. I have a 16 month old with a covert narc who still gets to me but i dont let him see it. I dont know how to stop. Hes dragging me through court he wont support his son hes requested a dna test all these tactics. Its so frustrating

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 28, 2018

      Hi Rebecca,

      please know what you are going through is normal – yet it is not a life sentence. When you release the traumas and fill with confidence, radiance and healthy boundary function you will be like I am now – a beast who CAN totally look after herself and flush out N’s easily!

      Have you worked with NARP Rebecca? The Quanta Freedom Healing process in it FINDS our childhood traumas with laser-like precision – it is a total game-changer regarding how we heal.

      https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      To experience this in real time with me for FREE come into my 3-hour workshop: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      I hope this helps 🙂

      Mel xo

  • annettem211@yahoo.com'
    A. M.
    February 28, 2018

    As a child, I was the mother at our home and looked after my younger brothers plus made sure important things got done instead of my mother. She would often eat out and my brothers and I would share what she brought home in a doggy bag for our dinner. She spent grocery money on clothes for herself and never felt bad. My dad became an alcoholic and eventually left her.

  • marie.white@outlook.com'
    Uncertain
    February 28, 2018

    Can you be a mix of empath/codependant with covert traits yourself? Coming from a home of abuse with physical violence from my father even though he loved us and used that to discipline us and take anger out on me if he was under pressure and mother who was mentally ill and personality disordered and showed a mixture of NPD and borderline traits. I attracted into my life bullies everywhere I went but did not know how to establish real connections so became a victim young tolerant to abuse but was seen as a ‘whinger’ ‘victim who cries for pity’ throughout high school so I believed I was covert myself. Older sister was overt and had the golden child thing going on and then later I became the care taker for Mum as she was incapable of doing in all on her own without my father and had a sibling who was 11 years younger than me so I took care of her. Attracted NPD friends and then came the overt NPD boyfriend at 25 I met through the same friends (birds of a feather flock together) and all hell broke loose. I was the empath in this scenario caring, tolerant, self doubting, agreeable and no boundaries sure got me into the game and have never been the same since and that was many years ago. I lost my sanity, life force, inner space to expand and ability to be free in life and have that joy and knowing I could enjoy life. Doing somatic therapy with trauma specialist read waking the tiger but my god do I feel like I just can’t do life anymore.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 28, 2018

      Hi Uncertian,

      absolutely that is possible (100%) – and it is all to do with trapped internal trauma (as is codependency) – that if released makes way for wellbeing and our true self.

      It is very courageous of you to face this, and I wish you healing and emancipation from all that you have been through.

      Mel xo

  • lisareneestreet@gmail.com'
    Lisa Street
    February 28, 2018

    I try not to be co dependent as I try to take care of myself. My mother always tries to play the victim and real me into her trap and than calls me worthless. I didn’t want to but I had to. I have be very careful how I react or they call me crazy. Sometimes I just need someone to talk to but I don’t look for sympathy.

    • lisareneestreet@gmail.com'
      Lisa Street
      February 28, 2018

      I had to break ties with my mother. I didn’t want to but I had to

  • trinfinity2001@gmail.com'
    Odette
    February 28, 2018

    My parents didn’t have NPD but very little empathy (both have high-functioning Aspergers). I essentially had to raise myself emotionally. When my grandmother developed Alzheimer’s when I was 16, I had to take on all of the family’s grief. I was responsible for managing the family’s emotions. When my father got out of control — that was my fault in the family’s eyes. It was my responsibility to soothe my mother after his Aspergers’ rages, because she had no boundaries herself and would not leave him and could not support us.

    In my later relationship with a covert narcissist, it was my responsibility to ‘make him feel better’ for the slights the world had dealt him: having to leave the Marines because of an unfair CO when he’d really wanted a lifelong career (I don’t think the CO had been unfair, I suspect the CO caught him doing something he shouldn’t have been doing). It was my responsibility to make him feel in capable and in control even if it put myself at risk, physically or emotionally. I was terrified of motorcycles, but no, he wanted to go for rides. We only get an hour for lunch at work but kept pushing it to two, and that put my job at risk. You get the picture.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 28, 2018

      Hi Odette,

      I totally agree that the “unfair” person is only one side of the story – and probably not the accurate one!

      Mel xo

  • eknight18@mac.com'
    truenorth
    February 28, 2018

    I was nursing his wounded ego…trying to fill the bottomless pit of needing to be acknowledged, praised and admired…..and taking great offense at anything he percieved as a slight, a criticism or even an attempt to change him.
    What I gave up…sigh…was emotional intimacy, being able to trust, a life where someone had my back. I never felt seen. 30 years.

    I knew that anything he did for me, or others, was being written down in his book of favors…and he expected a great return.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 28, 2018

      Hi truenorth,

      you have named this perfectly – thank you for sharing.

      Wishing you incredible healing and blessings.

      Mel xo

  • perserverance7@yahoo.com'
    JIMMY VAZQUEZ
    February 28, 2018

    i gave my identity up for her…..i no longer had a “me”

  • trinfinity2001@gmail.com'
    Odette
    February 28, 2018

    “How you need to adopt all of their ways instead.” That one sentence summed up my covert PERFECTLY. I’ve been trying to heal for the last year and working your NARP program (made so much progress!! only thinking about him once or twice a day and it used to be constantly and I work at the same place with the man!) This video has been the most helpful of all of them.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 28, 2018

      Hi Odette,

      I am SO happy for you that you have committed to your inner healing and you are making great progress.

      So many blessings to you!

      Mel xo

  • loreleew@telus.net'
    Lorelee
    February 28, 2018

    LABELS! The narc neighbour demonstrates both narcissism & borderline psychopathy. I asked my psychiatrist about the difference & he read the “Desk Reference” definitions. Basically, borderlines are more prone to criminality but there are many shared characteristics. When I asked how the definition was determined, he said, “A bunch of therapists sat in a room & decided to call one group of characteristics psychopathy & another, narcissism”. He also told me that whereas “narcissistic injury” is identified in the desk reference, THERE IS NO TERM THAT IDENTIFIES VICTIMS OF NARCISSISTS!! He is 70 yrs. old & never heard the term, “narcissistic abuse”!! Ironically, he says therapists are counselled not to take more than 3 narc. patients at a time because they pose a threat to the therapist’s mental health. And yet, no acknowledging label for other victims. Unfortunately, without a label the legal profession is limited re: how to prosecute for harm. We have been told the only recourse for the psychological & property damage we’ve incurred is to hire a lawyer but the case is weakened without an accurate legal term. Also, Brain Scans have been used in court to identify psychopathy. However, there is a move to block the use of scans in order to protect the “rights” of the accused.
    Rhonda Freeman is a neuropsychologist who uses the term, “Narcissistic Victim Syndrome” She is trying to get this term recognized. Her website is Neuroinstincts.

  • imagine.stace@gmail.com'
    Stace
    February 28, 2018

    The worst part of being with the covert is that people do not believe the things they do when you try to explain to others just what has been happening. This is the most insidious, not being believed. It’s like more abuse on top of.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 28, 2018

      Hi Stace,

      yes, it is so painful.

      This may help: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VDnGjIqg0Y4

      Mel xo

    • ann-dick@blueyonder.co.uk'
      ANN
      March 1, 2018

      Hi stace,not only don,t they believe you they think there is something wrong with you for complaining about this great guy, my own family never believed me so what chance do you have with anyone else believing you,,you are right its like more abuse on top of what you are getting ,i divorced my ex he had a new woman instantly and my family were still trying to talk me into taking him back,you get zero support while he,s off on the sunset with his newwoman

  • avictoriavt@gmail.com'
    AmyVictoria
    February 28, 2018

    Covert. He has countless symptoms/behaviors. I know we often say this, but it is so strange to me how they all have the same personality. Prior to these last few months, and finding out about this phenomenon and community, I never knew such a thing was possible. It strikes me as primitive.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 28, 2018

      Hi Amy,

      truly it is, they are stuck in their amygdala in primitive survival programs.

      That is what trauma creates.

      Mel xo

  • csavetsky@gmail.com'
    carla
    February 28, 2018

    Melanie,

    You literally saved my life this fall! I thought I wouldn’t survive after I left my husband, 9 months after learning of his secret life. But even though I was so confused about what/who he was, and narcissism didn’t really seem to fit, your videos were the only thing that helped me feel better. Then I did the NARP program and began to recover.
    But this video about the covert narcissist says it all! This is EXACTLY my husband. You’ve described him through and through.
    I can’t thank you enough for literally saving my life.

    Love, Carla

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 1, 2018

      Hi Carla,

      awwww sweetheart you are so welcome and I am pleased you are making it to the other side 🙂

      So many blessings to you!

      Mel xo

  • music2@runbox.com'
    Amy
    February 28, 2018

    Made a lot of notes to re-read as reminder. So so many of the details re covert rang true. It’s too easy to be fooled, even if not completely but way too much, over and again with a covert (before you have the practical means to go NC). No-one who knows the covert I know would ever believe the truth. Thank you, it is a relief to know someone out there does.

  • teriashmeria@gmail.com'
    Violet Spectre
    February 28, 2018

    Mel,
    Another powerhouse thriver TV! Thanks so much. I’ve been doing lots of moduling and journaling and contemplations and I’ve really hit upon the theme of SAFETY. If I don’t feel safe, I cannot truly love. If love is not true it is not healthy. Covert Narcs are so CONFUSING! They make us doubt ourselves and reality and the nature of love itself. But if you don’t feel safe you cannot love truly- without limit or expectation. I would love it if you could do a thriver episode about safety. I have been doing so much work around the topic of safety and would love to hear an episode about that. Thanks again, Quantum Guru- this has been a crucial episode for me.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 1, 2018

      Hi Violet,

      lovely lady so pleased this one resonated powerfull with you!

      Okay safety – sure can – give some more info on specifically what you would like re “safety” in an episode!

      Mel xo

  • brewer.asha67@gmail.com'
    Asha
    February 28, 2018

    okay….stop the video and write down how was I the caretaker for the narc at my expense and what did I give them and what did I miss out on in the relationship?

    I managed the entire household even though we were not married and the apartment and none of the bills and bank accounts were in my name. I always felt like more of a mother/accountant than a partner. He never paid his bills and I was always worried about what was going to be disconnected or when we would get the 5 day eviction notice in the mail, so I took over everything. It literally was like being with a child. He actually faked being depressed and went through the whole process of seeing a psychologist to get anti-depressants that he wasn’t actually taking because I found bottles and bottles of unopened medicine that he would actually pretend to take. His so called depression was the excuse for every bad thing he did and every thing he couldn’t be responsible for.

    What I missed out on in the relationship was having a supportive, responsible adult….omg…..omg….adult who showed up and took care of the things he was responsible for…..omg….that was my alcoholic, narc father only my father was a covert narcissist….omg.

    Okay…starting the video again…..

    Mel, Mel, Mel…this video gave me chills and goose bumps all over! This was so freakishly accurate about the covert narcissist I was living with that if someone told me you had secretly placed camera’s in our home, phone and car I would totally believe it….LOL!!!! Wow!
    I ended the relationship with the covert narc nearly 5 years ago. It took nearly 3 years just to start functioning normally. I’ve never met anyone who was truly a pathological liar. I seriously thought the term was an exaggeration and not literal. When I walked in on him exposing himself in our front window, I was done because there were children outside. He had the nerve to try and make me feel like I was over reacting too, like he did with every insane or irresponsible thing he did.

    What really shocked me about this video was that even though I eventual learned the term “covert narcissist” during my searches for answers about what I had experienced AND even though I realized that both my ex and my father were different types of narcissists, what was shocking was that I thought I WAS DIFFERENT. Meaning, I believed I WASN’T still working out my traumas with my dad through my relationships. Rather, I thought that I was just doomed to attract this type of person forever because it was all that I knew when it came to intimate relationships. But then you asked that we write down our care taking experiences and what we didn’t get and BOOM there it is! A perfect replica of my childhood regardless of which type of narc I was involved with!

    In response to your previous video I mentioned that I was enjoying dating, but was having issues related to a narc boss and the discomfort of leaving the situation to grow my own business that I’ve had for awhile. Now I completely see I’m still playing out this role as a caretaker (clinical massage therapist and Reiki practitioner) at my job and why I’ve been feeling so stressed and why I haven’t wanted to do this completely on my own.

    I wish I could put into words what this shift feels like right now. My whole body feels different and everything feels a bit surreal. I literally feel more relaxed than I have in months about work. I can’t remember ever having such an emotional switch so quickly in my life. I just want to keep typing in hopes of finding the words to describe it, but I don’t know if there are any words. It’s like until this moment my eyes were blurry and suddenly they’re crystal clear. I’m so use to my emotions and thoughts slowly, gradually revealing themselves to me over a few hours or days that this is…….Hum, I don’t know what to call it……but it feels nice….and I want to cry too. It’s so fast and my body is like….what just happened? And my heart is like…..finally and thank you.

    I’m in tears now. Tears of joy. I feel like it’s completely okay to do what I need to do for myself….without any guilt or shame. In ALL areas of my life, not just parts of it. wow just wow.

    Mel, you are the best gift ever!!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 28, 2018

      Hi Asha,

      sweetheart, I am so pleased that more dots joined up and you felt a shift.

      Hun, I cant remember, are you releasing with NARP Modules the trauma, as you feel it – without even needing to work it out?

      Such as those feelings I am doomed to re-live this?

      I am sure I would have suggested it to you before. Because it seems to me you may be in the habit (I used to do this too!) or waiting for an epiphany to what hurts, rather than just unconditionally going to it in our bodies, releasing it and bringing in source to replace it, which just instantly resolves it without having to go through all that analysis paralysis.

      Does that make sense sweetheart? Talk to me!

      Mel xo

      • brewer.asha67@gmail.com'
        Asha
        March 1, 2018

        Hi Mel,

        To answer your question, YES, I am releasing the trauma with the NARP Modules. However, I tend to go back and forth between allowing myself to feel and release to just what you said….waiting for that epiphany. I first started seeing trauma release itself when I began practicing a form of meditation called Vipassana. It’s all about just being with our emotions and thoughts and not doing anything in particular with them nor seeking answers (epiphanies) either. Just being with our inner being. It’s powerful in it’s simplicity. But now that we’re talking about it, i’m sensing some distrust in my body. I have so many experiences where I’ve believed that I’ve released something and moved forward only to discover that the same trauma is showing up in a different costume. That really frightens me. I’m now feeling/thinking that I can ever get comfortable with myself because an old wound might be hiding out in some other form. I believe that I have to be on guard from myself or I’ll attract another narc like the boss I should have resigned from years ago. That’s why the epiphanies feel so powerful. I don’t trust that the trauma is gone if I can’t see it in the form of a powerful insight.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          March 1, 2018

          Hi Asha,

          I totally get what you are saying – and all I can do is talk from my personal experience. I went through phases too of witnessing and being with emotions, with breath and all sorts … however, I found that the trauma still in my being was continuing to make me scared, question and suffer negative emotions!

          When I just fully surrendered to – as a life practice – loading up and releasing all dense energy I felt in my body (the QFH process) even if I had NO idea what it was … (feel it, spiral it out, release it with Source with ZERO information) that was when my life took off, expanded and continues to in ways that stun me.

          My question now is not “is there still dense energy in me?” rather it is “there’s some dense energy i can FEEL let’s release it”. I guess I have adopted a full self-partnering experience with myself … always in tune with what I am feeling. If it is “dense” my goal is to release it, bring source in and feel bliss and space inside (that is the ONLY goal). Then the outside stuff just takes care of itself. I actually don’t need to analyze anything anymore.

          The fear you are feeling is about ‘there is just more to clear” – the fear of that is a trauma that then creates more of what we fear. It can be released Asha.

          Does that make sense?

          Also the joy in “attracting another one” is – we get to uplevel and show up differently in it than we ever have before (bring that ON life!!) – that is the graduation. If we still carry fear about ‘what we meet” then we won’t graduate we keep stuck on the same level.

          I hope this helps.

          Mel xo

          • brewer.asha67@gmail.com'
            Asha
            March 1, 2018

            Hey Mel,

            Some of what you’ve said makes sense and some of it doesn’t. I wasn’t referring to “being with” emotions as witnessing I was referring to it as surrendering to the feelings also. I do see how sometimes I wait for the feelings to show me exactly what the dense energy is before releasing it, but this behavior has become so rare now, I don’t care that the behavior is still here in my body because what’s more important to me is that it doesn’t prevent me from moving forward in my actions 80% of the time. I’m okay with it not being 100% yet. Your video did trigger an epiphany. I wasn’t looking for it because the relationship was 5 years ago and I literally don’t think about him at all. But I do really like when the epiphanies happen and I hope you’re not suggesting that there is something wrong with the occasionally epiphany?

            What’s happening in this conversation for me feels like a peeling back of some layers. I appreciate this greatly and thank you for taking the time. After the epiphany, everything I started feeling when I started typing earlier is not what I’m feeling now. When the feelings started to flow, then, I was attempting to get some definitive information from my body rather than just releasing the dense energy I was feeling, and I’m not sure why I can’t just do both? I have no problem up leveling and releasing without “having any idea what it is” either BUT everything I learn is something I can share with someone else. It is the most beautiful thing to speak to another person in a way that let’s them know you understand them and you “get them.” Part of why I’m here with this community is because the Thrivers get me and it feels good to be understood. Sure it’s nice to feel and release, but the wisdom that comes with understanding why I’m feeling what I’m feeling gives me the opportunity to let others know that I get them too. I’m an empath. I’m always looking to share something that feels good to me with someone else who might enjoy it too.

            However, what does make sense is that your kind nature is being a bit of a loving mama bear and you are attempting to protect me from not releasing trauma which delays the good that follows. Love you for that! Please know that I”m not stuck in a situation that is so bad that I can’t take a little time to learn something from it. Big hugs Mel!

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            March 1, 2018

            Hey Asha,

            totally get what you are saying honey!

            Yes the mamma bear in me was just concerned that trauma was in there unnecessarily – like the fear that “I could attract another.”

            Absolutely, sweetheart, epiphanies are great. Bring them on in abundance, as well as you so aptly put – the sharing!

            So many blessings to you Asha and big hugs as well!!

            Mel xo

  • lbreton6310@gmail.com'
    Laurie
    February 28, 2018

    I feel like you described everything I went through in my last relationship. I have been a caregiver since I was 9 years old due to really bad circumstances in my home life as a child. I have always been one to help others but am quiet spoken and kind of a introvert. My first two relationships were definitely with overt narcissists. I lost everything both times but it was worth it to get away. This last relationship I was in was with a covert narcissist. This one just about destroyed me totally. At the beginning he was charming, loving and always wanting to help. He asked me questions about my past acting very interested wanting to know about me. He took me places and was really good to me while we were dating. After he moved in, he started becoming a different person almost immediately. Whenever I would want to discuss anything with him, he would give me the silent treatment or just avoid me. He would even pull the “I don’t feel well” card and go to bed just to avoid talking about anything. He withdrew affection shortly after moving in leaving me to wonder what was wrong. I eventually accepted it thinking that it was all just part of adjusting and that it would change over time when he felt secure enough in the relationship. He was adopted and told me that he was treated badly and his needs weren’t taken care of by his adoptive parents. He told me stories of past relationships where he was cheated on and treated badly so me being me tried to fix things thinking I could be the caring loving partner he never had….so I thought. Over the 5 years we lived together, things got progressively worse. I kept blaming myself, thinking I wasn’t enough or doing enough especially when I caught him looking for another. I resorted to checking his phone and his facebook whenever the opportunity came up because I knew in my gut something was going on but couldn’t figure out what. Everything I did was for him. I put him first before everyone, always trying to keep everything peaceful around him because I never knew what his next mood swing was going to be. I did ask questions because I didn’t understand what was going on. I was always there for him, made sure all his needs were taken care of and neglecting my own. I bent over backwards for this guy but nothing ever changed. I even found his biological family after months of research hoping that this would bring some healing to his life and he would be happier. Boy was I wrong. When we would go out in public, he would be attentive and act like the caring partner but at home behind closed doors it was a different story. His sister even told me that she was jealous because her husband did not do that. Our relationship ended in a fight because I caught him in a lie about another woman he was seeing after I confronted him about a text to her I found on his phone. He turned my own family against me and I ended up having to walk away from them as well. It was like a three ring circus. It was triangulation but I didn’t know what I was dealing with at that time. All I knew was that is was killing me. Everyone that knew him in the public eye thought he was a great guy. He told his family as well as mine that my past ruined me and that I was paranoid about everything. He also told me during the relationship that his ex’s were crazy, so now I guess of one of the crazies too lol. Its been two years since our breakup. I didn’t understand what had happened. I didn’t know who I was anymore. Nothing made sense. I didn’t know what I had done wrong that made him turn the way he did. I kept emailing him trying to get answers but instead got the silent treatment from him. He told my sister that I called him out on all his shit and that he has always done what he wanted and whoever he was with just put up with it but has since denied saying that. For two years now I have been battling in my own mind wondering what was wrong with me. In the past relationships, I knew it was abuse and wouldn’t stay but this time was so much harder. I couldn’t figure out what I did wrong. Nothing made sense. It’s like having your heart and soul ripped right out of you. I still feel love for him, why….I don’t know and still struggle on occasion trying to let go. I was afraid to go anywhere in fear of running into him or anyone associated with him but slowly getting better. I had heard the word narcissism before but always believed it to be someone who was vain. It really opened my eyes to learn what it really is. Thank you for all the information that you share. It really helps with the healing.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 28, 2018

      Hi Laurie,

      you poor thing – 3 of them!

      All I can say is: its time for you to heal – really heal.

      Please take the first step with me: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      There is no comparison between my transformational healing tools Laurie, and the informational ones you have been reading. The real healing is the transformational ones.

      Mel xo

    • smalltowndrama@gmail.com'
      Tanya
      March 1, 2018

      Laurie: So sorry. Now that you know what you were dealing with hopefully you’ll find answers and help. I’m getting rid of a covert now with a story that is so similar to yours. The mind games, immaturity and lies are beyond belief. I can’t imaging having had to deal with 3. I’m curious, which is worse to deal with and get rid of – coverts or overts? Hang in there.

      • caseyann.seeger@gmail.com'
        Casey
        March 19, 2018

        Tanya, I can so relate to what you are going through as well. I am also in the process of trying to rid myself of a covert narc. Yes, to the mind games, immaturity and lies. Even when I catch him in a lie, he somehow manages to blame me for starting another conflict by overreacting to catching him in a lie! It’s unbelievable how quickly they are able to turn the tables on you and make you feel like you have done something wrong. One minute you are standing strong confronting them about a lie they told and the next you are left standing there with your head spinning wondering what the heck just happened. It’s exhausting dealing with these people and it drains you physically and emotionally. It’s really hard to face the reality that the person you first met, that was so nice and sweet in the beginning, was a fake and that they never really loved you. That someone could
        so cold and callous and not feel one ounce of remorse or guilt for their extremely hurtful behaviors and show complete disregard for your feelings is astonishing to me.
        I am so glad I discovered this community as it has helped me immensely in understanding more about narcs and their incidious behaviors, but mostly I am thankful that there are others who can completely get and understand exactly what I’m going through and to know there is a way to heal from all of this is very inspiring. Wishing you the very best in healing from the toxic person in your life!

  • erixipod@yahoo.com'
    eric
    February 28, 2018

    Your blog/videos have been tremndously enlightening. My NARC is a bit of both overt and covert…..definitely covert at the onset and sliding more and more overt as time went on…culminating in a cheat and subsequent anger at my questioning her about it.
    I had seen her mask slip several times and was amazed at first… I mentioned it to her once and she brushed it off but kept me on as fuel with out letting it slip again for a while…. her transformation at times can be amazing. I have gone several times “no contact”… this time the cheat was the last straw and my intent is to let her be and let her go….I feel, sadly, that she will die alone and unloved as a result of the way she treats people/men.

  • Jennyblais929@gmail.com'
    Jaye
    February 28, 2018

    The person i know/knew seems to definitely have traits of both types, but I can see more of the covert. Passive -agressive in that I would be ignored, questions I asked would never be answered. I eventually began having to literally beg for attention and even then would not receive it. Everything was on this person’s terms. No real interest in what was going on in my life, although I was always available for them. This behavior began to appear after several months of great communication. It just started to go bad , and I could not pinpoint an exact moment. It was subtle but steadily got worse. I wound up feeling responsible for everything and would get very little in return. It was very confusing and it does make you start to triple guess and over analyze until your head wants to split. A slow feeling of being deflated and devalued as I was shown I did not matter in any important way.

  • Rubyemily7@yahoo.com'
    Emilyv
    February 28, 2018

    The most obvious example…I bought a car. His car got repoed from my driveway, and long story short, I went from working remotely instead of the office to drive him and his ex/roommate (yup) to an easy credit auto loan dealership that same day to suddenly (after saying I will drive you, but no, I will not co-sign ) co-signing on joint and individual applications with them, and when thank God they were denied, buying a car under my own name. Luckily, I never got around to writing the joint contract to sign them both ownership of the car for their promise of a continued monthly payment… the car purchase did finally help me realize and admit that something was deeply wrong. I totally lost my boundaries. His needs were put before my own.

    • Rubyemily7@yahoo.com'
      Emilyv
      February 28, 2018

      As far as the type: I was dating a covert. His ex/roommate was mixed…overt but played victim when useful. I finally understood that there was a subtext to my relationship…the covert narc I was dating was using our relationship to extract narcissistic supply from the overt narc roommate. She was oriented around/very focused on manipulation and social engineering.

  • Jennyblais929@gmail.com'
    Jaye
    February 28, 2018

    I am empathetic and probably codependent in some ways. Never felt good enough or worthy enough so I tend to accept what is given to me. I need to realize my worth ..

  • Angieparsons992@gmail.com'
    Angie
    February 28, 2018

    Perfectly described Mel!
    I am a year out of a 34 year relationship/ marriage with a covert N. Been NARPing since I left, seeing myself becoming stronger and more a source to self. Divorce is proving tricky though so into module 8 for me today!
    Thank you.
    Angie P (UK)

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 28, 2018

      Hi Angie,

      how awesome you are working with NARP.

      You’ve got this sweetheart! No fear or attachment from you – no power to him!

      Mel xo

  • dorriswelch@gmail.com'
    Dorris
    February 28, 2018

    Melanie, this is so very spot on for what I experienced with my latest narcissist, who was mostly covert (as opposed to my overt narc second husband). He really fooled me so much so at first that I felt we were two “peas in a pod” and I was so very safe and “at home” with him and we shared the same sweet, gentle, caring personality traits. Boy was I ever fooled. That sweet side of him was just a front which he kept up for the outside world, but rarely shared with me after a few years. The realization that he was not what he appeared and in fact was a cruel, mean monster inside came out so slowly and in subtle ways. I didn’t even realize it was happening. We’d fallen in love so fast, that within nine months, I had turned my entire existence over to him and my finances, our lifestyle and careers became so entwined there seemed to be no way out. Once I started understanding the depth of his exploitation, deception and cruelty, I was living in this veil of denial that kept me trapped. Even when I caught him cheating on me with a man, somehow he talked his way out of it with a childhood sexual abuse sob story and pretending to stop drinking for a few months. All his horrible behavior he wrote off due to his childhood traumas and how unfair life had been to him. Then it got even worse…eventually everything became my fault and I was the scapegoat. He threatened to leave me if I didn’t embrace his radical beliefs of intolerance and paranoia. He made me feel worthless and undermined my self confidence in insidious ways. He would deftly sprinkle tidbits of affection and gentleness in between the constant put downs, angry outbursts and erratic chaos he spewed all around him. And all along, I’m just trying to love him, make things better, cover for him, fix things, clean up his chaos, hurting inside, ashamed of myself, not understanding why our “perfect love” has turned into my worst nightmare. this went on for five years. When he walked out on me in a fit of rage the very day we laid my dear mother to rest, I had to face the facts and turn away from him for good. It’s been two years now and I’m just now getting myself back. i’m working your amazing healing program and know I will get better and will learn to truly thrive in this lifetime. Thank you, Melanie.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 28, 2018

      Hi Dorris,

      awww gosh you have been through sooooo much!!

      Thank goodness you found your way here and to NARP and you are on your way to getting this ghastly abuse pattern and trauma OUT!!

      Your true amazing life awaits Dorris – its time for you 🙂

      Mel xo

  • white.melissa@gmail.com'
    mw
    February 28, 2018

    The covert narcissist has a perfect home in the university. I’m surrounded!

  • rocksewe1210@gmail.com'
    RM Hall
    February 28, 2018

    You just repeated my story. I was involved with a overt narcissist ending the relationship finally a few years ago. I am textbook empath. I am a nurse and work in mental health rehab. I worked through my childhood issues (i thought) . About a year ago this new male staff started in our dept. He has a masters in psychology. He was very nerdy, kind, intelligent. Introvert, martyr, took care of his 99yo gma. Went out as a group.one night and slowly after that we started dating. Thought he was different. He was not the alpha male i usually date. He was slow a methodical with hid passive aggressiveness. He would buy.me.stuff promise me and never did it. i said i am losing myself. He confused me. Promised things and never follow through. Flirt with girls at work the same ones he talked shit about it. He was clumsy nervous i hated it. I would say i need you to be relaxed around me. He couldnt. act like.i was.weak and i wasnt. He.said do.anything for.me than would not when asked. Promised beach house cars. I say thats too much or i have a car. It was over the top. One day i was like i am losing myself, chips of me are gone, something was off and couldnt put my finger on it.i did research and figured out he is an covert narcissist. He is pure evil. My stomach churned. Its in his eyes i see it now. His non smile smirk. He laughed twice. He projected everything he was to everyone else. He would try to get everyone to do.his dirtywork. He would never.confront anyone. He.would get.others to do it. He tried to get me to do it. I said take care.of it your a grown man. His poor ex wife the crazy one he would. He is the crazy one. The worse sexual and intimate relationship ever. I thought he is nice give it a chance. Omg complete psychopath. He is a.psychologist for.gods sake. We.work with a vulnerable population. It.is scary. I broke.up with him a month ago. (Dated 3-17 would be 1 yr ) He is already attempting triangulation at work with coworkers and clients. I have done no.contact. i just received a promotion at work. I feel anxious tense chest heavy. I was excelling in my career and now i feel.like a bundle of nerves. All that confidence returned and now lost. I have to get through this i lost everything with my last overt. I am.restarting a therapist but do not know if she is familiar with covert NPD. I read everything. I could write a book. Extreme covert . i.love your videos but i have to get better not.learn more reasons to.get angry

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 28, 2018

      Hi R.M. Hall,

      thank goodness you realised and got out.

      You are right it is time to heal. Have you looked at NARP, my highly successful program which releases trauma and reprograms abuse programs and patterns (resolving all the original reasons why we took this on in our inner identity) and grants us our new Thriver Life?

      There is no risk whatsoever you trying it. Many therapists recommend and also support NARP for N-abuse recovery https://www.melanietonaievans.com/narp

      I recommend checking it out.

      Mel xo

    • andrea_hobkirk@yahoo.com'
      Andrea
      March 1, 2018

      I read your story, it’s identical to mine. 100% the same guy! I think sociopath path. It’s so scary. We have two boys and my town thinks he’s just wonderful and brilliant! He lives a mile from me. Dreadful

  • brendadrewdesigns@gmail.com'
    Brenda
    February 28, 2018

    My late malignant Narc husband who passed away three years ago after 42 years of marriage, was very intelligent, a part time actor, business man, petty criminal i.e. had a stealing addiction, was a real Dr. Jekyll/Mr Hyde smooth operator and when he was Dr. Jekyll he was a covert Narc, an exemplary, very romantic, love bombing husband and a great father who was really good when the kids were little and into their teens, but became more emotionally abusive to both me and our three daughters once they got into their 20s and 30s and to our oldest granddaughter off and on! He deserved a 100 Oscars for his great 42 year con job as Dr.Jekyll which he was most of the time! When he projected as Mr. Hyde he was more overt! He had a real flippy personality which got worst as he got older by the time he was in his 60s and I don’t think all the lethal prescription drugs he was on for his Diabetes Type 2 helped in that regard or for his Diabetes. He would act like the altruistic Dr. Jekyll and then turn around and act like he didn’t care about anyone or anything, full of anger and hate i.e. sociopathic, as Mr. Hyde, a real demon by the time he was older. It’s said malignant narcissism gets worst with age, and it’s very true!! He showed me the face of the demon for just a brief second towards the end of his life and it was really scary, will never forget it though I know I probably should, another reason for the CPTSD which I’ve had coming from a very toxic, dysfunctional NARC family and mentally ill malignant narc father and I also had a mentally ill older brother who was a alcoholic. Both my brothers sexually molested me as a teenager and my older sister is a narc and was my father’s golden child and flying monkey! Went no contact with them over 30 years ago after they disowned and disinherited and they were always scapegoating me! Not knowing I was married to someone just as lethal and toxic for me, hence the paradigm in my head!! Since my husband was a Diabetic Type 2 and I have MS, BOTH auto=immune diseases, I spent over 20 years trying to take care of both him and myself as well as raising a family while working part time and trying to keep my own interests up and keeping an art/design career going. I’ve been taking courses on line on auto-immune diseases now and all the top experts now link auto-immune diseases to the constant stress from emotional abuse plus all the stress from raising a family as well as working and keeping a career going as well as being diet related! Everything makes sense to me now and I’m working on recovery from narc abuse, co-dependency and an auto-immune disease! TALL ORDER!! I spent time caring for him with his diabetes, not so much physically, but emotionally to the point that I became a certified nutritionist to be able to help him eat better and I had been a fitness trainer part time in the 90s so I think that has all helped my MS from not being worst than it is, I have a mild form of it and it could be far worst. I had grown up taking care of my mother when she had cancer before she passed away when I was 21 and took care of my four cousins once while their mom had to go into the hospital for two weeks. All while studying to be a professional artist which I’ve been but I didn’t plan on being Nurse Nellie in life for everyone, along with raising three daughters and having a middle daughter who was mentally ill with ADHD/BI polar and went into a coma and became brain injured for life 15 years ago. So I ended up with partial custody of her only daughter and partially raised her as well. I also got sucked into caring for my sick dying in-laws as well. Not doing everything for them as we did get other people, caregivers to help out, but I was always there on the ready to help out which i did always thinking that if I didn’t help out I was being selfish which my husband would tell me I was as well as once screaming at me in front of the kids once that I was a cunt! He also threatened to kill me i.e. psychopathic before he dropped dead of a heart attack. He said, ” Sometimes I feel like killing other people and sometimes I feel like killing you”! I can’t remember how I responded to that , but I must have told him I thought he was sick. Because the last thing he said to me was, “I think I’m mentally ill” and I told him I thought he was and I told him I thought he was a real Dr. Jekyll/Mr Hyde which pulled the mask he wore off, like a scene from the Phantom of the Opera, as my blinders finally came off! Live and learn…better late then never as the saying goes! If I ever wrote a book about this, I would call it ” Hiding Mr Hyde”!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 28, 2018

      Hi Brenda,

      wow, I think you should write that book – so many people would relate to it.

      Big kudos to you for taking on the healing of YOU.

      Its sooo possible and wish you every success and breakthrough that is yours by divine right.

      Mel xo

  • brendadrewdesigns@gmail.com'
    Brenda
    February 28, 2018

    P.S. Thank you so much, Melanie…have watched so many of your wonderful very helpful videos and webinars do help as well! Much appreciated…I feel I’m healing more and more every step of the way!

  • ball-kim@att.net'
    Kimerlea Ball
    February 28, 2018

    Wow, Melanie. This video nailed it. This was the definitive video for me that was the missing piece. The thing that was making it so hard for me to let go of this “poor little boy” man and left me feeling so guilty for “bailing on him.” Not that he is missing me. But I became hooked on him totally. Now to your question. I was the caretaker by giving him attention, attention, attention spending a really inordinate and embarrassing amount of my time on him, praising and idolizing him, while getting back crumbs after the love bombing ceased as well as insults, weird reactions and abandoning behaviors, and was amazed how everything was turned to be all about him even when it had nothing to do with him, even after the few times I explicitly asked for what I needed and didn’t get it, giving and self abandoning until my adenals were shot, and I felt like I was losing myself and my sanity was starting to slip and I felt so much stress I got a physical pain that I was seriously afraid this relationship was going to take me out that I ended it. I was in this relationship a classic codependent and am also an empath. Absolutely.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 1, 2018

      Hi Kimerlea,

      I am so pleased this resonated with you!

      Awww gosh – yes – I understand that was massive for me with N1 – I so get it. That is a common hook for many of us, hence why in NARP – I dedicated an entire Module – Module 6 to finding and releasing those traumas that keep us stuck in guilt and being responsible for those who will not be responsible for themselves.

      Check it out on the NARP Page (Module 6) – it may make a lot of sense to you: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      I promise you when you do that specific inner work – those feelings will not be there.

      Mel xo

  • pamela.lund@bigpond.com'
    Pamela Lund
    February 28, 2018

    OMG that is my ex ( well soon to be ex) husband. I knew he was a narcissist when I first discovered Melanie’s videos but he didn’t quite fit the description. But this is him. He was Mr quiet, caring nice guy outside, but at home he was angry, depressed always blaming me. He threatened to leave once to often and I told him to go. That was 9 months ago and I have been doing Melanie’s course and watching her videos ever since and feel so much more me AGAIN!

    Thank you Melanie for your work. I like you have done so much soul searching, therapy etc over the years. This has really helped me heal.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 1, 2018

      Hi Pamela,

      I am so pleased you are breaking free into clarity and your truth.

      Mel xo

  • vintagejunker@gmail.com'
    Dawson Needham
    February 28, 2018

    I was involved with a covert Narcissist. Like you say they are very insidious. Since this ordeal, I’ve been able to root out several of my long time male friends who are Narcissists. And also Identified 2 immediate family members who are Narcissists. One is covert and the other, no longer living, was overt. All this work has allowed me to identify narcissist more regularly in my daily life. Thank you for all of your help.

  • buggiejayne@yahoo.com'
    Lori
    February 28, 2018

    Covert Narcissist describes my older sister to a T. She is always the victim. I have spent years trying to help her to no avail. This makes so much sense. She is only a year older. From a very early age she was made responsible for me and then we were both responsible for our younger brother. She uses mothering us as her excuse to judge and belittle. We grew up as almost twins and she uses our supposed closeness to pull me back in time and again. Every success I have has to be tempered so as not to make her feel bad if she is not as successful. She makes many backhanded comments like I am so happy for you. I’ll never have that but I am happy for you. Any plans I make she wants to be included in and then takes over and then it is all about her. I never really understood this until recently. We are both in our sixties. That is how long this has been going on. I could never put my finger on what was happening.It’s finally time for healing and some big changes. I feel a huge weight coming off already.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 1, 2018

      Hi Lori,

      how wonderful you are seeing it clearly now and you are going to create change.

      It is your time to lay some boundaries and be free of this – even if she is your sister. Kudos to you to be the change you want to live 🙂

      Mel xo

      • buggiejayne@yahoo.com'
        Lori
        March 1, 2018

        Thank you for all of your help Mel, you really opened my eyes.
        Big hugs

  • Piglet8781@yahoo.com'
    Cat
    February 28, 2018

    A brilliant video. Everything rings true. How do I deal with the guilt of leaving him as he’s been diagnosed recently with cancer? I helped him thru the first year of cancer and treatment. But his psychosis got bad sometimes and one day he weilded a knife in despair. It triggered me. I am told I have PTSD now and have aches and pains no one can explain. I’m (only now realising thanks to your amazing work) a codependent empath. I got a lot of child abuse in my past. He uses that against me – gaslights, says I’m the one who’s nuts. He refuses therapy. The complicating factor is this covert WAS diagnosed with rare and insidious hard to treat advanced cancer. Quite early in our relationship. Just after I’d moved countries to be with him: this seemingly amazing nice man! I had even met his parents who said he had a good heart, I should move countries to be with him etc.,. After two months together his mask started to fall. Then the cancer just ripped it right off. The same week he was diagnosed, my dad died on the other side of the world. I totally fell into a major caretaker role to him. Isolated in a foreign country. His parents emotionally unavailable. Putting pressure on me to care for him. I never even got to deal with my own grief over my dad or do my dads funeral. This cancer triggered him so massively and gave him the ultimate power over me for every single move I made (along with other major life tragedies he projects on me). What do you do when the victim really IS a victim? I was so confused. But I got out after he went into another psychosis and a knife was weilded at me. Wearing just my socks I ran. Slowly now I’m stabilising. Melanie your program is highest on my list of priorities. I am saving up the money. Am ashamed to be still hooked to this dynamic. We have to sort out the property we share and my biggest fear is being hoovered into a caretaking role due to the cancer. He literally has no family. The guilt is huge. I am probably going to have to leave the country. How do I deal with this guilt of abandoning someone who’s dying (fairly young like me) with cancer?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 1, 2018

      Hi Cat,

      this is a big one. It is a question many people have had to face in this community. My take on it is this – health or no health there is no excuse for being abusive. Absolutely as human beings there are sacrifices we choose to make to help others, but NEVER should we offer ourselves up on chopping block to be pulverised REGARDLESS of the circumstances.

      Once we heal this stuff, there is no shame and guilt ever in connecting to our greatest mission in life – caretaking the sovereignty of our own soul so that we can be the healthiest person possible for ourselves and all of life. We recognise also, that don’t allow any evolution to others by enabling their atrocious behavior.

      If he was to learn, evolve and have some meaning to his life it would be humility and “getting it” – being his dumpmaster is not providing that opportunity.

      Please know these feelings of guilt and needing to partake someone who abuses you is something which can be found, released and healed.Then there can be a boundary – decent behavior or nothing from me .. clear-cut and defined without guilt. NARP will help you so much with this Cat … its core to provide that shift.

      I hope my words have helped you.

      Mel xo

      • Piglet8791@yahoo.com'
        Cat
        March 1, 2018

        WOW. Yes it helps!! Again you offer a new perspective. A foundation. Mel, your words and videos, passion, and authenticity, it’s really saved my life. I’m so grateful. It’s so personal and yet you really understand. As I know are so many others to you I’m so excited to complete your program. Thank you and bless you incredibly…:-)

  • barbaradelamoramos@gmail.com'
    Amanda
    February 28, 2018

    I found specially interesting the part where you explain how the project all their depression into us. I feel like if I have absorbed all his toxic energy and went ill, depressed and really into a bad shape, now I see it was all his not mine….

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 1, 2018

      Hi Amanda,

      yes, that is very true – we soak it up like a sponge.

      In fact, ALL our bad emotions are not our core self – they ALL came from someone else. That is the same for every human, and our true job is to release these and come back to Who We Really Are.

      Mel xo

    • Kimrem70@yahoo.com'
      Kim
      March 10, 2018

      OMG!!!!!!!

  • Pamreinhardt@gmail.com'
    PR
    February 28, 2018

    I’ve spent years thinking….’maybe if I’. It’s like a mantra. Maybe if I’m less critical, maybe if I just let it go, maybe if I bake a better pie, maybe if I stand on one leg and twirl and whistle Yankee Doodle. (Interesting: I grew up with ‘maybe if I’ and also ‘Where is he, what’s he up to?’)
    So, long story short (I could have been the author of many of the above comments) AND with the threat of divorce on the table, we found a doctor who specializes in narcissistic personality disorder (I practically completed a Masters Program over the past five months, determined to find some answers). Wonder of wonders, husband agreed to an extensive, intensive program. Its been three months of therapy so far and I must say, with the doctor calling him on ALL of his behaviors AND supporting and validating my experience living with a covert NPD, things have vastly improved. We’ll see. He was Mister Nice Guy for four years of dating so I’m not going to hold my breath but it is nice to finally start to calm down and breathe. The best thing I did was become educated and look to behaviors, not circumstances. That’s when the light bulbs started turning on and I began to see patterns. I looked within and cleaned a lot of that up, then went through a serious layman pathological diagnosis stage, which I can now let go of because a specialist is involved. Time to focus on planning a garden and doing normal things again. I’m so sick of the word ‘narcissist’. Here’s to normal.

    • algonquinn88@gmail.com'
      Janet
      March 1, 2018

      Good for you for all your hard work and research and being able to get your husband into therapy and listen…to do normal things…I feel this is what all people on this site dream of..what would we do with normal after years of insanity…should I meet another man in the future I will celebrate normal…it’s been 9 years on my own so who knows…we become guarded after we have been through what we have

    • sweetatoo72@gmail.com'
      Laura
      June 29, 2018

      Amen, Sister!!!

  • Angeltalk710@aol.com'
    Theresa
    February 28, 2018

    Saddest thing is after you’ve been through this for a while you think everybody is cold and self absorbed but thanks to this forum and your amazing work and videos Mel and doing the inner work I learned that do this isn’t the case and that there are beautiful kind and caring people out there. Thank you for all you do xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 1, 2018

      Hi Theresa,

      aww how beautiful you are open to the joy, love, and wonder still of humanity.

      Bless you 🙂

      Mel xo

  • hmckenna2017@gmail.com'
    Helen
    February 28, 2018

    Helen
    February 2018

    My soon to be ex is definitely a combination of both…. a seemingly generous, outgoing pillar of the church, successful in business, always donating to charities, but behind closed doors was verbally, sometimes physically abusive, critical, cold and uncommunicative. I always suspected he lived another life, and this is being uncovered now…. lies, affairs pornography and prostitutes. We were married for 39 years, and I became increasingly ill and depressed, and since separation have had even more illness, but I believe as the end is now hopefully in sight of this extraordinary acrimonious divorce, including his attempt at strangulation when I sought legal advice regarding my settlement , that my health will improve.I work as a psychologist, and yet I couldn’t see what was in front of my eyes…but one evening about 4 years ago.. I challenged him and told him that I had finally worked out what he was and umasked him as a Narcissist…that was when things really took a turn for the worse…. when in court for the assault case.. he lied telling the court that he acted in self defence as he was married to a violent alcoholic…and when he was found guilty…he could not accept that…. so he has gone to appeal…and we have to go through another court case…another example of his “always having to win, no matter what”. He always threatened that if we ever separated would make sure that there would be “No happy ever after for this family, and that he would destroy me” and has divided our family with
    smears against me, I do not see my son or grandchildren, have been isolated from many of my friends and I find this all so difficult…. but I know now that it was not me at fault…… When he would reject or demean me, I would always keep trying to please him, thinking that somehow, it must have been my fault, and I would blame myself, telling myself that it will all get better if I try harder…that is my nature, but see now that I was just being abused.

    • algonquinn88@gmail.com'
      Janet
      March 1, 2018

      So true…always thinking if we keep a beautiful home and home cooked meals..all laundry taken care of and yet it doesn’t change things….the people pleasing /fixing is what we codependents do

  • flitter237.sb@gmail.com'
    Sarah Batten
    February 28, 2018

    I believe it’s my sister she’s always been there in the background wanting the attention behaviour as she feels that she isn’t getting something she makes something up it’s just so wrong I wish I could get away from her my mum just doesn’t understand but. My mum is very lovely but over the years I’ve seen some cracks in the wall she has damaged me but I have damaged myself as well has been also wrong but thank you so much because you are helping I wish I did have enough money to go on the NAR programme ..
    The videos you send out a helping me so much blessings from a very very weary fairy
    Many thanks Sarah

  • Dcnguyen1991@gmail.com'
    Duke Nguyen.
    February 28, 2018

    I been in and still somewhat in a relationship with a narc. Right now, I’m wondering if she is also my twin flame? I was going crazy with this relationship for over a year now. At times I felt it was done but kept allowing myself to get dragged into it and kicking myself after a few days. I started to wonder why I kept allowing this. It’s strange cause I have always been stronger then this. So I started to recap from the beginning and looking back, I have to say I grew a lot since a year ago. Each time (and it took a lot of times) I took the abuse I didn’t understand why I had to go thru this until I kept watching u Mel. U gave a lot of answers that I ignored but after every abuse I went back to u reminding me what it was that I didn’t get. But also, I took a positive note to it. The harder the abuse and hurt, the more it helped me to be stronger. After many nights of beating myself up over this, I come to realized that I have mentally grown stronger from all this. I come to see the lessons being shown to me. While beating myself up I was asking why or how could someone be this cruel? More less, why am I the one having to be abused? As if it is a curse but really it’s a gift. The gift is the lessons I’m being taught to learn from. It resemble the scar of how I felt I was worth and subconsciously taking what I felt I deserve. And that sickness was hidden. But u showed me that Mel and I kept going back was my medicine to self healing. 40 years of a habit won’t break over night. I’m lucky to see it, discover my sickness of thinking it’s what I was worth from my childhood scar, and from there make a conscious decision to fine a cure for it. I now understand it’s not what people do to u but rather why I do it to myself. And it all makes sense. Life changing and life saving work Mel. I thank u along with many others I have watched religiously. Many people are sick, and they don’t even see their sickness. I’m bless with the ability to see mine and with the ability to make changes from within. Not keep sweeping it under the rug. She did damage. Major damage. But it had to go to that point for my hard headed ego to shut up and accept it. The min my ego shut up, that when it started to sink in. My higher self couldn’t even talk my ego down. So I had to take the pain at the highest level for me to wake up. The harder the pain, the more I gain. Thank u so much Mel for doing what ur doing. It has changed my life. U gave me light when I was in the dark. Keep up ur great work. Namaste sister.

  • gewind@mail.com'
    Yonten
    February 28, 2018

    I gave him comfort, security and my hard won wisdom. When he recovered his strength after being with me for sometime, he took my ideas and my input and changed his life style, but told me that he could not handle being with me and making changes in his life! I gave up my entitlement to being loved supported in a healthy way and cared about as an equal. I put my life challenges on hold, thinking that giving to him would mean we would have a balanced relationship and that I would be supported when I needed it. In the end, the thing that I supported him with so much was the deadly killer for the relationship. His inability to deal with stress and his feelings meant that he would not tolerate my need for clarification of his feelings and our direction together in partnership. I stopped helping him. I realized that he was past help and he believed that and so this was how he operated with people in life. So glad it is over. What a relief.

  • lectric.lady@gmail.com'
    Olivia Emes
    February 28, 2018

    I gave him my life force, my soul, my love, my home, my heart, my money, my energy, my trust, my time, my space, my wisdom. And this was at the cost of my sanity, self care, self love, career and ability to move forward with my life in any positive direction.
    I put my own career on hold, which was in the same profession, to try and get him work and boost his career, but at the expense of relationships with my family and work colleagues as he didn’t step up to the game but still accused me of not making his career happen. When I finally got some interest of my own with work, he was abusive towards me for not giving him the email address of the guy I had just had a meeting with. He believed he was owed everything.
    I also worked full time and paid rent and cleaned, cooked and provided a lovely home, whilst he would sit on the sofa all day smoking weed saying no one understood what a genius he was. Writing this now, I’m actually laughing at how crazy this sounds, but I was in love with this monster and he made ME feel that I was the one with the problem and that I was going mad. When I finally kicked him out, he calmly told me to get my eggs frozen as he knew I wanted children and was nearing my mid thirties as well as saying I would be lonely when he was gone. I haven’t been with anyone since, and its been nearly three years, but I’m in love with my self for the first time in my life so that I have him to thank for. Dangerous dangerous individuals and I can’t thank you enough Melanie for being a life line the past few years. Even writing it down has been healing for me. I now realise I need to write it all down and share with other people. Thank you xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 1, 2018

      Hi Olivia,

      I am so pleased you are out of this and honouring you now.

      You are very welcome Dear Lady and many blessings to you. Please remember the key to our healing is releasing all of Who We Were Being to make way for our True Self and life. Then it takes off for us!

      Have you come into one of my free webinars yet to start that shift process? I’d love you to Olivia – it’s your time: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Mel xo

  • andrea_hobkirk@yahoo.com'
    Andrea
    February 28, 2018

    I listened to everything he had to say about his mom who was a jahovah witness. She was controlling and abusive. When it came down to me needing help with my difficult father, he didn’t care. He didn’t hav crime for it or me. Extremely selfish

  • Suzique19@hotmail.com'
    Suzy
    February 28, 2018

    Covert nassisist is exactly what I married to the point I felt I was going crazy within, I even witnessed him cheating on me often only to then be convinced it was all in my imagination. A very dangerous & very convincing nassisist who played a victim with so many supporters by his side. It has been a long way back from being a broken shell of a person however I fought within myself to stand tall for my children & never let them down. I do have hate for him but also sadness as I can feel love whereas he can not nor ever will. I look forward to that day I thrive, I’m on my way but still need to heal with anxiety issues still taking their hold on me. I do now have a voice, i have an opinion & can smile freely. I thank you Melanie as finding your site many years ago gave me my inner strength to not be defeated. ❤️

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 1, 2018

      Hi Suzy,

      you are very welcome. Have you checked out the deeper Quanta Freedom Healing tools to heal the anxiety and release the last bits of pain/resentment/sadness? Then, truly, your life will open up with space and take off in even greater ways than you could imagine.

      You are on your way Suzy, but maybe you need a little more to really get there – and much faster than the conventional route.

      Id love you to come into my free webinar and experience ‘this’ difference: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Mel xo

  • Kathysterner4@gmail.com'
    Kate
    March 1, 2018

    I was a homemaker and put my husband and 3 kids first for years. I supported him to build a business, which he sold for a good profit. I raised 3 amazing kids, which are now grown. I’ve recently been discarded after 30 years. What I missed out on was being true to my own Self. I’ve struggled to rediscover me but I’m growing and learning so much. I am stronger on my own than I ever could be with him. My best years are ahead. And in one short year my kids are beginning to see their true Dad.

    • sataraone@gmail.com'
      Era in a
      March 1, 2018

      I Became aware of my fathers treatment of my mom about at 12yr..notice her behavior in social settings….started feeling sorry for her..trying get her to smile telling jokes…as I got older automactially..anticipate her needs..too much too type..learned form older kids….mom was depressed kept me isolated from other kids..waking up now to viscous cycle for last 5 yes..love this video

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 1, 2018

      Hi Kate,

      that is so wonderful. Big kudos and hugs to you and your children!

      Mel xo

  • tuuliturtola@hotmail.com'
    Julia
    March 1, 2018

    Hi Melanie!
    One year now since the n relationship ended (he dumped me, because of a LITTLE missunderstanding, at the airport in a foreign country!), no contact ever since (silent treatment from his part), I’ve done enormous amount of healing. Why I still feel sometimes I’m not “fully” healed? (obviously not, when I still feel the need to be in this forum!) I’ve done narp and eft (energy healing), have read a lot. Why healing takes so long, is this unusual? When this will “end”? I have also zero interest in men, no “need” to have one in my life now at all. The thought I would still some day in my life “fall in love” and feel passion, have sex..feels very remote, “yucky”, I’m just not…interested! (to be honest: the only person I find erotically attractive is the n!)
    Why I am “shoulding” myself so much, how can I stop this? I mean, “I should be healed by now already”, “I should have a decent man at this point in my life already (I’m 42), “I should already be ready for a new relationship”. But I am not!! 🙁 Why “should” I, anyway?

    I also feel huge external pressure, from “other people” (the society), like I should be married, have a decent man, and now when I’m single and 42, I should at least vigorously be searching for one! But I can’t! Not now, not yet. I was badly n abused, I’m still in the deep healing phase damn it! I feel like as if I should “prove” my “normality” to other people…can you follow my thought? What can I do to stop feeling this pressure?

    And sometimes I miss him so much. Last week I got this very bad idea to call him. He answered and then slammed the phone to my ear. My friend said to me “this is very rude. This is not normal behaviour at all”. Glad she said that. When I have been deeply in love, my thinking “what is normal” has become very clouded. Why my memory seems to be so selective, all I can remember is the cute, sweet and lovely things and moments with him?
    When I have this perspective, of course it is hard to let go of “my darling”. If I’d see him as a monster, I’d have no problem to let go of him, without feeling sadness and longing!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 1, 2018

      Hi Julia,

      awww yes it can feel like healing takes so long – but the truth is when we love and accept ourselves, the process and the miracle of unfolding, we are “healed” (that’s the irony) … because we are never going to get to the end of this business of evolving ourselves and freeing ourselves from trauma. There is NO finishing line – just less and less trauma in our being and more space for wellbeing and joy in our cells – that is the journey – period!

      It really is about knocking out of our body those conditional beliefs that we are unworthy and incapable of feeling whole or having joy until we are perfectly “healed”. That is the false premise – and I thoroughly suggest you work on those beliefs (as I had to in SPADES!) re having conditions on ourselves!

      You have named all the pressures, traumas, expectations and beliefs you have placed on yourself. Those are the traumas you need to heal with NARP … because I promise you Julia, when you are ‘whole’ NOW without any of thee things – and you genuinely love your soul and the simple joy of living as your soul – you will be able to manifest these things effortlessly – but only when you get “there”.

      What is missing stays missing.

      NARP is simple when we know how to use it – whatever “hurts” has to go – that is when all you want and aspire to be will come. Life delivers when we no longer have ourselves in the way.

      I hope this makes it really clear to you – I understand this SO well, it was MASSIVE for me too.

      Mel xo

      • tuuliturtola@hotmail.com'
        Julia
        March 2, 2018

        Thank you Melanie, I would NEVER have survived without you!!!
        Makes sense what you say. I just thought: ” I don’t need to be “perfectly healed”, I don’t need to feel perfectly/have perfect feelings like 100% of time”…I’m only a human, and I can accept myself and all my feelings, right now, exactly as I am in any given moment. Is this what “self love” means? (I’ve never really understood the “concept”…)

        By the way, I just want to express my anger re. “The Secret” book. Like just “feel good” and think what you want and thoughts become things. Gosh, this “advice” nearly killed me!! When I met the narcissist, it was a beautiful sunny day, my FEELing was so good, I was happy. Then we started to chat, he asked my phone number and I was in cloud nine, that this wonderful man wanted to get to know me, meet me again. And I have had a VERY strong goal, intention, to find “the one”, a boyfriend, a life partner. That was my conscious THOUGHT. Then this individual appearead into my life, and I was like yes, yes, yes, “this” is working!! (the law of attraction, goal setting)
        It is absolutely heart breaking this one was a wolf is sheep clothes, truly 🙁

        So this is the most important thing I’ve learned from you Melanie…I obviously had some painful messed childhood inner programming going on, totally in an unconsious level, that’s why I attracted the n…and that energy is much more stronger than some superficial “feel good” feeling. Quite a journey…but I feel I already started to recover and feel better. But it has taken a long time…

  • Genee_york@yahoo.com'
    Geneé Crull
    March 1, 2018

    After spending 22 years with a covert NPD husband I fell for the opposite…an overt NPD boyfriend for 7 years. With your help Melanie and the grace and love of my God almighty, I finally found the strength to admit what was going on and get out of that relationship as well. The covert narcissist is so hard to explain to people and to yourself. I remember my friends thinking that me and my ex-husband were the perfect couple and they wanted to be just like us because he came off as being THAT charming and kind to the outside world. For me it was very confusing and I lived in a state of hopelessness, helplessness, fear, and confusion for about 20 years…that is a long time. I was already in the relationship with number two overt when I started researching NPD characteristics and although I realized he was probably overt NPD I was financially trapped and continued to stay. #2 bought me you’re NARP program because he “loved me so much he just wanted me to get help“. #2 drove my children away which was a blessing in disguise because a year after that happened I found the strength to leave myself. I put all my personal belongings in my 2003 Toyota Camry with my dog and I left Florida and move back to Oklahoma to live with my 75-year-old mother…I had to suck up my pride. Thriving and being on my own now I just look back at what I’ve been through and I am just amazed at what I tolerated. Iit feels wonderful to know that it truly will never ever ever happen again and I don’t have to be afraid of men because I’ve learned so much in my journey about truth and authenticity and people who are genuine versus fake. Love you Mel and thanks so much for everything! You are a gem ❤️

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 1, 2018

      Hi Genee,

      That is wonderful you have come so far …

      And I love that you are no longer afraid 🙂

      Continued expansion and blessings to you!

      Mel xo

  • lightworker27@hotmail.com'
    Matt
    March 1, 2018

    funny thing is my first experience with a narc the narc was ten times worse then with my second
    experience with a narc, by that time I fully knew what a narc was and I still didn’t see it coming even after getting discarded by second narc twice knowing full who they were I still wanted go back for a third sucker punch. But even after everything that has happened and still happening I don’t hate them. I refuse too. Because as come to realise when you refuse acknowledge your traumas, pain and wounds. that when you lose yourself to the anger and hatered that will cause you suffering and when that happens it can very hard to break that cycle. in famous of yoda
    fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate and hate lead suffering.

  • lightworker27@hotmail.com'
    Matt
    March 1, 2018

    Hello Melanie could you do video about the difference between normal abuse and Narcissistic abuse? i hope that makes sense.

  • Pamreinhardt@gmail.com'
    PR
    March 1, 2018

    In all the forums, all the hours of uTube videos (that have been a godsend) and the massive amount of written material on covert narcissism, it’s obvious that we victims need to talk and be validated and have a system to employ for recovery. I have to say, I’m a stronger woman, armed with knowledge and a developed insight, than I was before all the light bulbs went off. I no longer take nonsense and my gut tightening is truly my friend. The amazing thing is how prevalent covert narcissism is in our society…tv programs, movies, all seem to have as a main character either a psychopath, a narcissist, a personality disordered character that gives ‘interest’ to the plot. I see ‘friends’ employing gaslighting, stonewalling, intimidation. Even my housekeeper uses manipulative tactics that used to just leave my stomach uncomfortable. Now I call people out and stand my ground. It doesn’t appear to make them worse (my fear) but shrink them down, which explains why some people are narcissist-proof, something I’ve begun to develop and feel really good about. The narcissist specialist we’re seeing has been invaluable. A lot of my husbands behaviors have been habitually utilized, and old habits die hard. It’s an uphill battle, learning new behaviors instead of going to the knee jerk responses but at least he’s trying. Like I said earlier here, we’ll see.

  • williamson.ruth@rocketmail.com'
    Ruth Williamson
    March 1, 2018

    I am at the stage now, where I am considering complete ‘cut off’ from all of my family, including my grandson, due to the stress, drama, and constant chaos they cause in my life. My father was an overt narcissist, and was physically, psychologically, and emotionally abusive – behind closed doors. My mother was the constant martyr, who I protected from my father, often contacting the police after a violent attack, phoning for ambulances when either of them got sick due to neglect, spending time in hospital with them, and letting my mother stay with me for months after heart surgery, my farther making no attempt to contact her or visit her in this time. I also managed (with great effort and stress) to finally get my father into a care home, as his health deteriorated so badly, due to my mother seriously neglecting him – she wasn’t administering his insulin, and would leave the house for hours on end, while he lay in his own mess in his bed – yet to the outside world, she was the doting Christian wife who tended to his every need!! She gained everyone’s sympathy, by constantly wining, and giving everyone a blow by blow account of the tasks and chores that went into caring for my father – yet she objected to help from the available services!
    I now believe my mother to be a covert narcissist, as I recently had my suspicions, CONFIRMED!! For some reason, I had never got on with my daughter, despite us being quite similar in personality. I left my daughter in my mothers care, while I went to work, as I was for most of the time, a single parent. I worked extremely hard (and studied to get better employment) to be able to provide for her, and gave her the best of everything I was able to- holidays, food, clothing, a roof over her head, and investing in her future – she was a brilliant horse rider, so we had the best horses (4 at one point!!). I also found her a father figure, but that relationship ended when she was 14. However, she still calls him ‘dad’.
    Admittedly, the first few years of her life where predominantly with my mum, as I struggled to make a home, but we spent as much time together as possible, and enjoyed that time together, until she was able to be with me full time. So it was with GREAT disappointment, when I found out recently, my mother had done nothing but criticize my behaviour as a young mother, accusing me of abandoning my child, and that she was left quite literally ‘holding the baby’!! She went on to say how she had been the one to bring her up, and that she had done everything possible to make sure she never went without! It’s as if all my extreme hard work, financial struggle, and sheer grit and determination to provide for her – counted for nothing. It was completely ignored let alone acknowledged!! And to make matters worse – she has led everybody else to believe this too!!
    My daughter has been showing narcissistic tendencies, since being a teenager. My mother has tried to keep us apart as much as possible (since I had to ask my daughter to leave home at the age of 25 due to the stress she was causing me – I have a heart condition). My mother has made her as dependable on her as possible, so my daughter has not developed any life skills or the normal adult capabilities. Despite having a child, she has relied heavily on a huge support network, to care for him, and I believe has used him to manipulate everyone, to get her own way i.e. if you don’t do as she wants, she denies you access, but in ways that are not obvious!!
    A recent incident proved that my mother had delusional thoughts on bringing my grandson up herself. She has repeated the same patterns as she did with me – calling my daughter an unfit mother etc. and inflating her self worth and child rearing capabilities. Despite my mother being 74 years of age, and my grandson having a loving father (he is not together with my daughter anymore, as she left him, and her son for someone else), and other loving caring grandparents who my grandson adores……. and then there is me……. my mother thinks she is the best person for the job, and has made attempts at reporting my daughter to the authorities (or at least these were her intentions). The problem I have is, my mother dragged me into the situation, and has blamed me for this too, when I was against the idea!!
    My daughter has unfortunately found this out, and was not best pleased!! The only good thing to come out of it is, she now realises that I was not in support of my mothers actions, and the years and years of her resentment towards me, were more than likely influenced by my mother. She also realises that despite my attempts to communicate with her over the years, my mother has refused to mediate, and has caused more of the rifts between us, by malicious gossip and untruths. Will we never get that time back again!!
    My parents have done nothing but make me feel worthless for years and years (my dad has now died). They have rejected me, isolated me, turned my daughter against me, criticised me and my lifestyle and my friends, have made me homeless twice, and have never stopped reminding me of how much I have cost them financially (my dad has helped me out in times of difficulty). Nothing I have ever done, or will ever do, will ever be good enough (and I have worked for charities most of my working life, raising over half a million for good causes)!! The irony of it is, they are supposed to be God fearing Christians !!
    It took me a while to realise what both my parents were (apart from being extremely cruel), and what my daughter has become. I knew there was something wrong for years. At first I just thought it was normal to be resented, and always be wrong. Isn’t that the job of a child? Then I discovered some information from Melanie about narcissism, and read more and more about the subject. I don’t know where I am in my journey of recovery, but I do thank God for making me different!! I don’t think I am the black sheep of the family (I have a perfect ‘blue eyed’ brother), I think I am the white sheep of a very black family indeed!! Always trust your gut instinct – if you feel something’s wrong, even the slightest incling – then it probably is. Don’t make excuses for a situation or person, and convince yourself otherwise.

  • kimisgarden@yahoo.com'
    Kimi
    March 1, 2018

    Dear Melanie,
    I listened to your webinar Monday to the point where I finally connected to myself as a child. I could visualize her ans immediately wrapped her in my arms, promised I will always be there for her as i sobbed. I apologized to her for not coming sooner. I told her how beautiful she is and how loved that innocent baby girl is.
    Admittedly being 55yrs old with a life time of ‘therapy’ and not living under a rock I have heard over and over how I have to love the innerchild as my mother hated and abused me since birth. I never connected to her before Monday whilst listening to you. I have to thank you from the deepest part of my soul.. thank you. I was not able to follow the webinar after that being it was such a profound moment for me. I actually took little Kimi by the hand and guided her through the day with me, tending to her, listening, caring, comforting and really telling her it is going to be ok. I am here. It was a big day for me this past Monday. I can honestly say i felt self love and self care for the first time in my life. Not externally doing something to care for myself, this was far different than any of that… It was inside me. Powerful and ty.
    I was groomed for a life of abuse and worked that role splendidly through abusive relations personally and privately. I Abused myself through addictions, distractions while fighting depression throughout my life. I did end up marrying an awful husband, divorced 10 yrs ago. Finally went no contact with mther 5 yrs ago and could not seem to get well nor beat my addictions/depression. A few years ago I told my closest friend of 25 yrs she could live with me after leaving her hubby. Well… low and behold all those years and i never suspected… but she is most definitely a COVERT NARCISSIST. I never detected it as the OVERT sob’s kept her hidden from me. I had her move out last June. I have not gone no contact with her. I am working on it but so hard because she has always been my sounding board. She know every deep dark secret. I now know i must cut ties completely. Even though I will be completely ‘friendless’ I realize she is not a friend.
    Ok enough of my stuff. Am very interested in releasing trauma. Sounds like the only way I can expect to live with a bit of happiness insided before I die. Will work at it. Much Love and again I thank you. Kimi

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 1, 2018

      Hi Kimi,

      Awwww I am so pleased you connected with your little inner one.

      Please know you are so welcome, and your words bring such joy to my heart – so thank you!

      Oh gosh, Kimi releasing the trauma is everything – because under the rubble is our True Self and all that we need to generate our True Life!

      You are on your way sweetheart!!

      Mel xo

  • omulyk4@gmail.com'
    Oksana
    March 1, 2018

    I’m still in the very confused process of trying to figure all this out. He catfished me. It was long distance for 4 1/2 years then he moved in with me. He has a false persona and lived a double life. He had an alter ego which he gave a name to, and played the Dom/Sadist role. He did this online and was proud of preying on vulnerable women (and I became one if them). He demanded to be called Sir, to be obeyed or be punished, he tried to degrade me and make me hurt myself on webcam. I tried to please him initially but I couldn’t go on with that submissive part. In his Dominant role he said that women were f*cktoys meant to be hurt, used, and degraded. In his outward life, he was a kids’ coach and nice guy. Actually very passive. Now I see, very passive aggressive and very avoidant)dismissive. A master of prolonged silent treatment. I am so empathic and codependent I thought my love could heal him. His mother died when he was 10 then his father fell very ill. He had to take care of his father until he died on Xmas Eve when narc was 17. The extended family abandoned him (which I don’t understand). Now, learning about narcissism, I see that my parents and siblings are on the spectrum, and I was married to a covert for 21 years. My health has been destroyed – psychiatrists, medications, suicide attempts, CFS, OA, fibromyalgia, chronic disabling migraines, many weird autoimmune problems, insomnia, panic attacks. I’m 65 and can barely afford basic necessities. We share a job that gives us a nice apartment and all kinds of benefits and of course they all buy into his Nice Guy persona while I isolate myself. This job was my idea and my initiative. I have to give up this lifestyle but how do I start over at this age and with so many infirmities? They will keep him in here and I will be close to homeless. I’m suffering classic CPTSD. The blinders are off and I must save myself somehow. I have wonderful children and grandchildren who need me to be well.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 1, 2018

      Hi Oksana,

      I am so sorry you are suffering so much. I know how normal it is to try to ‘work it out’ logically – yet when we ‘work it out’ energetically (release the trauma from our inner being) we just get well – as all our symptoms start reversing.

      The first way round seldom works and the second way does profoundly.

      I’d love to show you how – if you’ve had enough of the struggle and the pain. The first step is here Oksana: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • boo.curtis@gmail.com'
    Loralee
    March 1, 2018

    Just celebrated our 31-year anniversary in December and am starting to see just how deeply I have deluded myself.

    It’s almost too hard to look at squarely, and there is a huge lump in my throat – but for the love of myself there is a part that can’t look away anymore.

    I am seeing it now… seeing what I alone have done to myself. It is exactly the Greek tale playing itself out in 3D. While he pines away enamoured with only himself, I pine away by focusing All of me, (the very beauty of me), on him.

    55 now and can’t afford anymore to emotionally, physically and spiritually, keep up my own dog and pony show to avoid taking responsibility for myself. I see this is what I have done, and it hurts to see that *I* did this to me.

    Although he has taken very good care of me financially for almost our whole marriage so that I wouldn’t have to work – to be honest, its actually been a prison with ‘pink’ walls and nice furniture. And when I look deep inside, I see that although all my physical needs are taken care of, I never really feel safe and I see that I’ve actually given Him all the safety, security, love, devotion, value, worth, loyalty, compassion, care and empathy that I have always wanted and needed, yet find them mysteriously missing from my life.

    To be honest, I feel like an empty husk – as if something is dying inside at times. I feel so deeply tired. This relationship has been like carrying energetic boulders up the side of a mountain, and I see that I have done this to avoid the rage, betrayal, abandonment, conflict, and confrontation that are so hard and terrifying to experience as they trigger my own wounds and PTSD.

    So deeply grateful for your clarity, sanity, and devotion Melanie. I am so scared to post this, I can’t even tell you because I’m afraid he will see this, but there is a deep sense that you will be instrumental in helping me to save my life and heal this fear of taking care of myself on my own so that I can truly be free. Much Love and Gratitude. ((( <3 )))

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 1, 2018

      Hi Loralee,

      awww bless you Dear Lady, it is your time to break free.

      Your real life awaits – truly.

      Mel xo

  • boo.curtis@gmail.com'
    Loralee
    March 1, 2018

    (Just watched the rest) … I see a combo of both. When wounded enough he moves into overt behaviors which can be such a shock.

    Just loved the rest of this video. It confirmed what I am seeing. Again, Thank you So Much!

  • jmm1488@gmail.com'
    RB
    March 1, 2018

    This video was so helpful and eye opening. I think I was definitely with a covert narcissist. When you described the secret addictions I nearly started crying. My ex of 6 years confessed cheating, drugs, porn, and gambling all in one night. He left me for the OW and then came crawling back 3 months later only to discard me again. It has been 8 months since I last heard from him and he seems to be living an amazing life. Dating, tons of friends, outspoken, and I’m sitting here stunned and confused. I really try to tell myself what I went through wasn’t a dream but I do feel like I have gone through an awakening.

    I put up with so much bad behavior over the 6 years we were together and was very good at making up excuses and trying to help him. He took and took my health, money, energy, and time without ever really offering anything in return. I didn’t feel as if I needed that and I made excuses that it was because of his depression. Regardless, this situation has helped me address my own co-dependent issues and as I say bring me to an awakening in my life. I felt as if I had been sleepwalking the last 6 years.

    Despite the show he puts on for others it still hurts at times to see him adored as I sit over in the corner feeling bruised, battered, and unfortunately a little jealous and angry that everyone who isn’t me gets his admiration and attention. I’m still working on getting over that feeling and accepting fully that he has shown me who he really is deep down…despite what anyone else sees or thinks. It’s also so hard to be so deeply wounded by someone you loved so dearly and see them act as if you were nothing but a blip in time for them. That time in my life was so precious and dear to me and I loved him so deeply…to see him tell another girl how beautiful and amazing she is less than a year apart is devastating. It’s as if all the nights I sat with him through his chronic illness, his depression, his financial loss, his job loss, was absolutely nothing and I’m nothing but a girl who barely gives him the time of day is his soulmate, that’s what he said about the OW even though she has also left him for another man and he is currently alone.

    I’m far from being healed but these videos make me feel less crazy and alone and that vent session was nice…lol. Thank you for all the work you do.

  • marnjw@msn.com'
    Marnie
    March 1, 2018

    I had an overt narcissist for a husband for 16 years. When I met the covert narcissist, I actually thought 6 months in that he was as well but decided no. It took 3 more years for me to figure out that he was a covert narcissist. I knew something was off. Every time I walked into his house, the energy was so heavy and negative, I couldn’t understand why. I could relate to everything you said in the video!! He was such a victim and so was his dad!!

    The one thing that got to me the most is when you reminded me that they will right away start to determine what your fears and insecurities are. He was never one that would discard. He was one that clung on for dear life and sucked the energy out of me. I had attachment issues because of my dad who was never in my life. I remember many times while we were arguing that he would say, “I’ll never leave you, Marnie.” And it didn’t even fit in with what we were arguing about!! It took me by surprise and didn’t make any sense. Now I understand that he had figured out that was my fear and he was going to assure me that he would never cause me that kind of pain. (He would cheat on me, suck the energy out of me for his benefit, make everything about him and tell me how my friends and family were no good….but he would never leave me!! What a catch!! lol.) The problem was, that really wasn’t my fear and it didn’t seem like he knew anything about me…even after 3 and 1/2 years. I wasn’t afraid of him leaving….I was afraid of not being able to get him out of my life and having him destroy my self-esteem more than he already had. My fear was that I wasn’t good enough…but he never figured that out because he had created a story and couldn’t see past it. It was all about him, every day, every minute.

  • laparentlf@gmail.com'
    leigh ann parent
    March 1, 2018

    I gave up everything! I focused all of my attention and time on his being unhappy. I continued to accept the blame for his unhappiness and lost all sense of my own worth. I believed I couldn’t do anything. I lost my sociialbility. I lost my life and everything I held dear. He stole from me and our kids my inhertiences.

  • Jupitersun@hushmail.com'
    Joni
    March 1, 2018

    Thank you Mel , this may be your best show yet! I got hooked by the covert at 18…his sadness about his childhood and then his mother killed herself, so that cemented it. I gave up a full fellowship to grad school to support him because he was so devastated. Then, over the years his rage bubbled up until he finally exploded and assaulted me, and eventually our youngest son. His verbal abuse was stunning, and he actually sent me an email once we were in divorce process saying that “I did things I deeply regret in order to reach your most vulnerable self.” He accused me of being unsupportive and not “praising” him enough. He used sucide threats to keep me on edge and hooked for almost 10 years after his first assault. He’s trying to abuse me in the courts now, but I’m no longer hooked. He’s actually morphed into very overt now with his high paying job he finally got after dumping the family . What I find interesting is the textbook behaviors of narcissists. I’m loving being away from the toxicity of his being . I encourage everyone struggling with their “loss” to turn it into a huge gain. I went through the grief and finally realized I was grieving for an unfulfilled fantasy . Once I realized there was absolutely nothing there except his need for supply , I was able to let go. I also figured out how my mother set me up for this. And Those feeling in my body, the trauma feelings, taught me a lot. Now when I feel them I know I’m not safe and I need to wake up pay attention and release them. I didn’t think it was possible . Thank you ,Mel for another great tv show.🙏❤️

    • blair.cottier@gmail.com'
      Blair
      March 1, 2018

      I can relate so much to this. I finally realized I was also holding on to a fantasy about what a relationship should be, and not seeing the reality of what he was capable of giving us. Melanie’s program truly is a blessing if you are willing to look inside yourself and be honest. Glad you were able to let go as well. Much love!

  • blair.cottier@gmail.com'
    Blair
    March 1, 2018

    I am finally free from my covert narcissist after 13 years, 2 children, and a 4 year marriage. It is absolutely mind blowing how he hit every single one of the criteria in this video. He was addicted to several drugs and tried to hide that from me for years. He was also cheating on me throughout that time. I left him once and then he was able to hook me back in. He went to rehab and I thought he was “healed”. I took care of him for so long that I couldn’t see all of the mind games he was playing with me. There were so many pathological lies that he told every time I would confront him about something. He would give me just enough excuses and apologies to keep me second guessing my own sanity and wondering if what I was saying was even the truth. He even called ME the liar. One of his famous lines that he would bring up every time we fought, “If I wanted to cheat/do drugs/lie, etc. I would do it, there is nothing you can do about it, so there is no sense in not trusting me.” Makes total sense Right, ughhhh. I eventually got a GPS tracking device and put it on his car. That is when I began to realize that I was literally losing my own self by being with him. Never did I ever imagine I would stoop to that level. He ended up leaving me 8 months ago and I was floored. It felt like I couldn’t breathe, like I couldn’t live. I actually begged HIM to stay. That was another turning point. I knew there was something in myself that I needed to figure out, after finding out he was basically living a double life and I begged HIM to stay. WHY did I do that?? SO, I searched the internet and found Melanie’s program. I am so incredibly thankful that GOD brought me to her site. After doing TONS of the healing work she recommends, I am in SUCH a better place and am so blessed. Even though he is still in our lives (I have two children with him and am not able to do no contact) I am finally learning how to unhook myself. He is basically a nomad and lives out of his car but there is nothing I can do about that. I can’t change him, I can’t force him to be accountable, and I am so incredibly grateful to be free from his grip. I am finding myself again and am learning to love myself. It is a wonderful feeling and I can’t thank you enough Melanie!!!!!

  • blhutton01@gmail.com'
    Lisa
    March 1, 2018

    I was his confidant, his cheerleader always available to him for whatever he needed, because he was a victim of everything and everyone. I did whatever he asked even sexually (even if I didn’t want to). It’s sad to read this as I write it. I seem so pathetic. I gave up my self respect, my dignity, my sense of self. My health. In my marriage (24 years) I developed polymyalgia, autoimmune disease, Lyme’s disease, cancer, and rheumatoid arthritis. He chastised me for not taking better care of myself. My health problems were my own fault. He was right, I ignored myself to the point I almost killed myself with disease. I’ve been divorced for 8 months, spent a year and a half trying to get divorced, he spent that time covertly picking at me or one of our kids. Shoving his new woman in our faces. Forcing our daughters to accept his girlfriend and pulling his love away if they balked at what he wanted them to do… I don’t feel like I will ever recover. First from what he did, second what I did to myself for him. Only to be thrown away when I became to sick and I disgusted him.

  • blhutton01@gmail.com'
    Lisa
    March 1, 2018

    Wow, went back and watched the rest… YES, this was my life. Always in a state of confusion. Always wondering how he could seem so loving and caring at times when I was at my wits end. He would rub my feet or give me a massage tell me you know you need to dump this friend, they know they can manipulate you…and do. They know you care to much and take advantage. I lost my friends and most of my family. He kept me at least 500 miles between me and my family.

  • loulouseven@gmail.com'
    Connie
    March 1, 2018

    Hi
    Just wondering if someone that had a healthy childhood can become a narcissist? My partner says his Childhood was very healthy and yet he has a lot of narcissistic behaviours. His behaviour isn’t typical of a covert narcissist or an overt one but has has a lot of the both of them mixed. I was married for the first time to a narcissist for 10 years. Then married another narcissist for almost 18 years. I remained single and healed for almost 7 before I started dating again. One of the most important things I wanted to find in a man was that he had a healthy childhood. My partner had told me story after story of their happy childhood, mixed with normal sibling rivalry etc. He says his father was the kindest most soft spoken person in the world and I’ve heard his sister say the same thing. They all speak highly of their mother as well. When we first dated he told me he needed and wanted to know if I was feeling depressed or if he did anything that was hurtful etc. ( I have complex PRSD from my physically abusive childhood as well as my 2 prior abusive marriages.) Well needless to say he says one thing but doesn’t care how I feel 18 months in. He’ll even mock me when I tell him how his words or actions hurt me. He runs from being accountable for his actions ( he says hurtful things to me and will not acknowledge his hurtful behaviour towards me.) He’s more scared of looking like he’s an a hole than if he’s acting like one towards me. He’s always right and do not even try and debate that one. He’s cynical and so very critical of me and my children, continually. These are just a few of the hurtful things he does to me. He joined the army for a short period of 18 months but left. I’m wondering if he didn’t pick up his narcissistic behaviours from childhood, where could they have come from? I’m perplexed by this. Any ideas on this Melanie? Thank you for now, Connie

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 1, 2018

      Hi Connie,

      many Ns will state they had a healthy childhood! Also too please know there are great mums and dads who have had narcissistic children from the moment they opened their mouths and take their first step. I believe this is trauma passed on and showing up from epigenetic wounds (generational).

      I hope this helps Connie, and please know Dear Lady only emancipation we get is the healing of our wounds.

      Wishing you true healing and release from the pain.

      Mel xo

  • jessi.frothingham@gmail.com'
    J
    March 1, 2018

    I was involved with a Covert type. Something always felt off with this seemingly altruistic man that really threw me; my intuitive self knew it. Before we met, he was talking about love (?!) and the relationship was moving so fast I became alienated from myself. I was vulnerable, so the loving, moral, and romantic persona lured me in.

    Yet I couldn’t reconcile that with the intuition I had that he was lying by rote, and the disdain he showed for my feelings. I felt alternating turmoil, heartache, and elation. His most prominent Covert Narcissistic behavior was immediate testing of my psychological boundaries (asking extremely personal questions right away), demanding equally strong reciprocation of his overly effusive statements of love, and pushing sexual boundaries in a sophisticated and studied manner. It was never an “I’m amazing” presentation, more “You hate this about me, don’t you?” to trap me into either lying to give him assurance or hurting his feelings (because, if I’m being honest sometimes I did hate the things he did :).

    Melanie’s program has been so healing for me, I highly recommend it!

  • andrea_hobkirk@yahoo.com'
    Andrea
    March 1, 2018

    Hi Melanie!

    He is 100% covert! Highly intelligent, brilliant and very manipulative. In your video you said you just feel something isn’t right. We fought all the time. I do not fight with any of my friends but I fought with him. He went to my own brother and sister inlaw and called me crazy. They believed him and not me. I still talk to them because all our kids play but I keep them at arms length. I am beyond insulted that my own brother hasn’t helped me once with our divorce. My parents are older and have been wonderful and believe me but my brother says I was the narcissist. That’s very hard for me to swallow. I met with a forensic medium who told me he had numerous affairs and lived a double life. He has a son who is 4! I cannot find information anywhere. I know the moms name , state and babies age but keep researching so I can tell the courts. I know he is stealing money for her. I also know that a medium isn’t proof of anything for the courts or my family but I do need to know. We have two beautiful boys that do not deserve this. They love daddy and have no idea that he’s a covert. I ha e read all your material that we shouldn’t seek justice. I love me, I am strong and confident and ready to move on but I do pray for Justice. The law of attraction does not allow evil to win. I will move forward Melanie. I am thriving but I wholeheartedly believe in karma…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 1, 2018

      Hi Andrea,

      I used to feel that way too – but please know … when we no longer need justice, when our full mission is healing and freeing ourselves – that’s when justice (if it is going to happen) does.

      The irony is, however, in no way is our life conditional on it.

      To “need it” (which of course is very human) means that we can’t have our true life until it happens.

      Being a narcissist and suffering an intensely disowned inner being is their total karma – its a living hell.

      And it doesn’t need to be our life.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      • andrea_hobkirk@yahoo.com'
        Andrea
        March 1, 2018

        It does help a lot. I get it. It took me fiorever to get this but I do. I study Reiki. I’m very intuitive. The stuff has to come out but I won’t rely on it for happiness. Love you! You saved me Mel

  • fgerhard72@gmail.com'
    Faith Krcmarov
    March 1, 2018

    Wow I wish I had listened to this as soon as I got the email. My ex husband was definitely a mix of both – at least when the fuel was flowing strong. But predominately very covert, as was his Mother (and mine). Realising instantly (uncannily really), how important honesty is for me, he baited his hook with the wanting-to-reform-from-being-a-truly-hideous-person-to-his-first-wife worm. A woman he discarded shortly after meeting me. He fessed up to all the low life things that he did; the second lives, the affairs the drugs and the crime. He wrestled demons in front of me, appeared to be eaten up with guilt as he sobbed out 20 years worth of treachery. A HUGE RED FLAG people!! But to me, at the time all I saw a poor tortured individual, wretchedly trapped through duty, in a loveless marriage to a belittling wife. Coping with depression and most times failing. Acting out, surviving, existing. His argument was based upon reform. He told me everything so that I could walk away in disgust or be his second chance at a life that had eluded him always. Oh it was a construct to be admired in retrospect, exquisitely crafted to directly touch my deeply embedded nurture buttons. He apparently cleaned up for me. For 9 of 12 years he was attentive and ever-present. But I got tired of the feigned illnesses, the money problems, drugs and gambling. The fuel ran out and the mask didn’t slip, it got thrown away! To this day I don’t know if he carried on as he had with his first wife in the background of our lives. I have never made an effort to find out and perhaps he was just too good at covering his tracks. But I don’t care anymore I’m too busy pressing my own nurture buttons for my own benefit. THANKS MTE 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 1, 2018

      Hi Faith,

      you are so welcome, and that is wonderful you have turned from him, and toward and into healing you.

      Bless you, Dear Lady 🙂

      Mel xo

  • marystockton1@gmail.com'
    Mary
    March 1, 2018

    I loved this video. Thank you. I was married to an OVERT Narc for 10 years. When a friend said to me, “he sounds like he has NPD” I did alot of research and it made sense of everything I had been experiencing. and that changed everything. I was divorced about 3 years. I had done alot of inner work. I complete my Masters in Spiritual Psychology and began meditation and my own healing practice with Breathwork. Then I met a GUY, drop dead handsome sexy. Bam, I was in. Floating above it knowing full well it was blatantly dysfunctional. He was an alcoholic. We were together 5ish years. He was a COVERT Narc. He cheated, he lied, he drank. Id break it off, and hed swear he was going to change and id go back.
    Anyway, OVERT then Covert. I really got wrecked with the covert. It’s fresh pain. I do not want to make this choice again.
    (Sorry for all the typos, I’m sleepy) 🙂

  • rsterrel@yahoo.com'
    Susan
    March 1, 2018

    All of this has has touched home with me .
    Thank you all for sharing your stories and showing me that my “feeling crazy ” is real.As I read these stories I realize “wow this is me and not a figment of my imagination.”

  • paulandsue509@live.co.uk'
    Sue Harrison
    March 2, 2018

    I watched and heard today’s message Melanie, and can totally see that my daughter is a mix of overt and covert. I’ve suffered for all of the years that she has been able to vent her frustrations, (since age 10 or 11 and is now 34), her entitlement to having a dutiful mother who would indulge her rather than suffer the consequences of even more bad behaviour. She was 2.5 when her father and I divorced, and I gave my life to raising my daughter in the best way I could. I didn’t want her to have to meet any ‘new’ man in my life (whilst searching for a new partner, one can meet several along the way and I didn’t want to mix up her young mind). I was alone for over 20 years and now have a wonderful husband who is nothing like an N. My mother was the covert type and as you say in the video, my parents relationship was volatile and both became depressed. I had to make everything right for them both and can now see in doing that, that I lost my sense of self/needs and rights. I was the eldest of 5 children and took on the mothering and nurturing role for them all. To this day I put everyone above myself, my husband reminds me daily! I can see that I am co-dependant and need to focus on my own life and build myself back up again from the shell of a woman that I’m feeling today. I’ve joined NARP and have listened to module 1 only once. It scared me ….I suddenly found myself in the whirlpool being sucked in and feeling terrified of losing myself and then breathed a sigh of relief as I managed to escape it’s hold over me.
    The thing I’m finding difficult, is ‘How do I turn away from my daughter and new grandson without feeling the guilt ripping my heart out?’ I can see how one would be glad to leave behind an abusive partner. I can also see how I can walk away from my daughter (I have created distance and currently only see my grandson 2 days per week whilst daughter works). It’s working ok – and I am now on red alert to her manipulative ways. In reality, I guess I should lose them both? It’s a tough situation.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 2, 2018

      Hi Sue,

      thank you for writing me- and I would love you to be in the NARP Forum for support and assistance so that you can voice your concerns and get suggestions regarding how to face the modules gradually: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      Sue, it so is in our own healing and development that can we have boundaries in the healthiest way possible with narcissists, so that you can still have contact that doesn’t destroy you.

      It really is about the NARP work and guidance from those who have done the journey before you – and that is where the NARP Forum is invaluable. That is my highest suggestion for you.

      Mel xo

  • lightworker27@hotmail.com'
    Matt
    March 2, 2018

    Hello Melanie have you ever done a video or article about how a narcissist uses DARVO against you?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 2, 2018

      Hi Matt,

      not specifically but it is a great suggestion.

      On my list – thank you.

      Mel xo

  • Rmiscio@gmail.com'
    Rosanna
    March 2, 2018

    THANK YOU 🙏🏻 I have been doing NARP for a year and until today I have doubted myself, my sanity and my own experience of my marriage of 17 years. Even 5 years after divorce I still question weather he is a narcissist or is it all my doing. This is how insidious his abuse was. This video has helped me so much, you described my ex perfectly and has given me an answer I have needed. Melanie my deepest thanks to you for this work, it has been your modules that have helped me through. God Bless.

  • saltystone4@gmail.com'
    Zoe
    March 2, 2018

    Melanie
    Thank you for the work you are doing, I’d like to help with comparing the two types of narcissism. The same like you here: my first long relationship was with an overt narcissist, my marriage for 20 years now is with a covert narc. So my covert narc husband is wearing a mask of rationality, hard work, responsibility etc, and he looks like a model in a tv advertisement (for his age group, which is 51). I thought after my first experience:” never again with this kind of a person”, so I chose the one who seemed to me as farther as possible from the first one; and so it did seem at first that they have no traits in common.
    Now, what do they have in common? Similarities and differences..
    – both are delusional, wasting incredible mental energy to convince themselves in their own perception of reality, for example convincing themselves that
    “outside is snowing when in fact it is it is a sunny day”.
    – wearing a mask
    – extremely focused on sex and prone to cheating
    – mentally manipulative
    – the overt did not have a martyr complex but the covert does, significantly
    – the overt was more self confident and direct and the covert can’t defend himself in the argument or when confronted/ triggered he starts behaving as if cornered, turning aggressive and vicious.
    – both: extreme self centredness
    – control freaks
    – extreme materialism, the covert also extreme stinginess
    – the overt was more eccentric and extravagant and the covert is a way more sneakier
    – the covert uses his physical and mental health as a weapon, like poor me, look what you are doing to me, you have no empathy.
    – the covert believes representation is everything.
    – both introverted most of the time, the covert having bouts of extraverted moods especially in contact with the opposite sex
    – absurd level of stubbornness and inability to compromise let alone to change something (it is either my way or highway or breaking into pieces>smithereens)
    – vanity
    – both believe they are perfect and more worthy than others, taking everything personal, like “he or she wants to destroy me”, or “it is lonely at the top”
    – having very poor level of self reflexion
    – low EQ
    – never doing anything spontaneously
    – never wanting to go on a vacation
    – using others but not wanting to reciprocate ( again, for some reason their resources are more important)
    – having no original thoughts- everything they say they’ve read somewhere
    – prone to addiction
    – their state of mind depends on yours; emotionally piggybacking, and that’s their “right” to suck you dry and to let you constantly manage their wellbeing, to help them feel good
    – personal charm and good looks, picture perfect
    – poor body coordination ( looking as if a bit disconnected)
    – paranoia

    and so on, but I think this is already quite a long post. I hope it made sense. It definitely helped me to put it in words…gee what a depressive this life of mine is…to have to deal with narcs for the most of my life.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 2, 2018

      Hi Zoe,

      you are very welcome, and thank you for your list – I know many people will relate.

      The overt and covert in my life had many similarities with tweaks of differences too – and not all the ones on this list. The truth is – I believe the most common defining thing about “narcissism” is the low EQ – the lack of empathy, parasitical mining and no genuine accountability or ability to grow. All of which makes healthy, happy relationships impossible to have with them.

      There truly are partners much healthier than this – when we are prepared to lose it all to get it all – starting with ourselves – releasing that life, our traumas and unconscious beliefs that set us up for this.

      I wish that for all of us Zoe, including you.

      Mel xo

    • hanahall@eircom.net'
      Kateryzena
      March 4, 2018

      I totally relate to this. Vanity. Not going on vacation. Their resources more precious. Selfishness. My ex always said I. He never once said we. He didn’t think as a we. Just an I. And would say ‘they really like me’. He never could say how he felt about others. He’d look blank and say, well I know they really like me.same blankets in a disagreement. Even normal conflict. Wouldn’t engage, just avoid or refuse to resolve. His way or nothing . Secret addictons. Always. Especially the first stage of infatuation. That’s what most addicted to. That’s when they feel alive and not like a fake. Seeing how they are seen in your eyes.

    • mkegarvin@gmail.com'
      Mary
      March 4, 2018

      I sure can relate to your list, a covert relationship I was in…

  • Jonassahlberg@hotmail.com'
    Olivia
    March 2, 2018

    Hi Melanie,

    The past 2 months have been really intense for me, and the videos have helped a lot to snap me out of unconsciousness “waves”. I watch them because of the energy and mindset you have, it helps me a lot. I wanted you to know that.

    Lots of love,
    Olivia

  • Pennylh@comcast.net'
    Penny
    March 2, 2018

    I am 2 weeks away from a year without the narcissist. I have never felt better in my life. NARP is the best thing I could have done for myself. The ex narc was a covert narcissist. I gave him my time and attention. Also focused on his desire to spend more time with him yet when I did he wasn’t happy and told me I should go do this or that needing to get done. He was cheating on me, lying to me, manipulating me and once I finally understood what was really going on I left. In his opinion the problems in the relationship were entirely because of me. Thank you so much for this community and all you do to help us heal our wounds and come home to ourselves.

    Penny

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 2, 2018

      Hi Penny,

      That is so wonderful that you are feeling so great.

      What a wonderful testimony to your healing 😀

      Thrive on Dear Lady.

      Mel xo

  • lindsey@reederweb.co.uk'
    Lindsey
    March 2, 2018

    I grew up with a very overt narc mother and am now married to a covert narc husband. I recognised my mothers narc first and it took 3 months with a specialist counsellor to recognise I was living with a covert narc. We’ve been together 21 years and after almost 2 years of counselling I’m still struggling to leave.

  • hilarypaley16@gmail.com'
    Hilary
    March 2, 2018

    My mother and father were pillars of society who put lots of energy into helping others and yet had little love to show to their own family. I spent my childhood and most of my adult life tiptoeing around my mother whom I suspect was a covert narcissist, doing what she wanted, allowing her to control me. My father once told me to ‘try to understand’ when she had done something mean because she had had a difficult upbringing. When I stepped out of line, she would be upset, almost disintegrate into a seemingly fragile little girl who truly believed that I had just done something to hurt her and she had done nothing at all to upset me. No one was allowed to sit on the sofa even though there were insufficient seats for the whole family because she portrayed herself as ill. I lost myself, became completely consumed by her. I had no idea who I was. I completely confused myself with her. I didn’t know where she left off and I began. I had to spend a great number of years figuring out who I was.

    As an adult, I became involved with someone who said he had BPD but also seemed to have ASPD and covert narcissism. He talked endlessly about his awful childhood, the father who beat him, murders in the family, abuse. To him, I was selfish or abusive because I was asking for something for myself when he was ‘going through the worst time of his life’. I prayed with him, held him, cuddled him, literally suckled him like a baby, gave him money, paid for things because he never had any money including trips and holidays…… in a short period, I felt completely invisible like I had completely disappeared.

    It was only through that relationship, that I started seeing that my mother had narcissistic tendencies (possibly aggravated by autism).

  • kahiemstra@yahoo.com'
    Kristine
    March 3, 2018

    My covert narcissist: I took him in when he quit his job in a dramatic victim scene. I let him lay around my house while I worked full time. I was patient with his brokenness, always encouraging and motivating him. Even after I caught him exchanging sexts/pics/videos with other women (from my bed while I was at work). I actually felt sorry for his need for validation and worked with him to seek it from me, instead of strangers.
    I bought us a house with my savings, provided him with a car, yet he still went through 4 jobs in one year. With massive fights inbetween jobs when I insisted he work too. (I’m a single mom!)
    I catered to him. He accused me of pushing too much. He’d pout that I had so much and he had nothing but what I gave him. He was EVER the victim.
    I traded off my desire to feel provided for. To feel like my man had my back and felt driven to care for me too. I traded off being with a man who would help me shine. He wanted to pull all my light to himself, then smother it. I mothered him and he resented me for it, yet did nothing to improve his own lot.

  • Victoria@ixcheltherapies.co.uk'
    Victoria
    March 3, 2018

    I am still in the process of dislodging from my Narc husband and the man that triggered me to finally leave my husband after 18 years. It took me having an affair to leave my Covert Narc husband because he did so much ‘good’ in our local community I always thought his disloyal behaviour online or with past girlfriends was just me having a problem as he would tell me it was normal. I was so brainwashed that I literally felt I should be ok with it.

    However the man who came back into my life who triggered me to leave then also did not want to let me go and because of my empath nature I have wanted to support him and he is doing all kinds of ‘he has given everything to me to support me’ which is not true as I already had to lend him money and can see red flags.

    This video is so helpful. Without the modules I would be insane by now. I still do not see the end to this process but my behaviour of my lifetime of going back is shifting.

    My dad was an overt and covert Narc and even blamed me the day he killed himself. So I have lived a lifetime feeling responsible for overt or covert Narc behaviour.

    But now I am so happy to be embracing time with myself, but I still have two Narcs that I am fielding on a daily basis!!!

    Thank you Mel, so much for these amazing resources!!!

    I am 47 years young and finally on the turnaround.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 3, 2018

      Hi Victoria,

      I am so pleased you are coming out of the fog, and that NARP has helped so much. Awww gosh, you poor thing with what you went through with your father, no wonder you have felt over-responsible for N’s.

      That is so great the progress you are making Victoria, you should be so proud of you.

      You are very welcome 🙂

      Mel xo

  • hanahall@eircom.net'
    Kateryzena
    March 4, 2018

    Melanie your work is amazing. This video rescued me at the right time. Again. I’ve done your programme and couldn’t recommend it enough. Best thing you will ever invest in. I wish I could buy it for everyone. I go no contact all time but see him at work functions every few weeks. Then he slips back in…not fully just odd email but just enough for me to worry he’s ok..you know, hints at something traumarising but no details and then he vanishes after a barage of contact. I know now not to bite but that frustrates him more and the charm creeps back up after a spell of deliberate back turning on a request for more info. I was with this covert for four years. I was saying the word narcissus 4 years ago before any of this was out there as I just couldn’t work out what was going on when the mask dropped and why he was so obsessed with how he looked and appeared yet said he hated people. everything he owned was password protected yet he’d rant about my secret phone. No password. . I’d get selfies of him out of context or mid conversation and I felt he’d used them before or weren’t from that day. Deep senses that something was off.Id never been jealous in other relationships but stuff was odd like 4 years in his ex didnt even know he was dating….Cloaked is the word Melanie. My guy was never ever accountable and never admitted anything despite it being obvious to the people that knew him. He once told me I never said sorry ever. God the amount if times I did….it was total lies and I actually nearly lost it. But not in an adult way,me or him, he was like a broken child puffing up his chest like a critical man. His mask was childish and he’d revert to talking like a compton rap artist when he behaved badly. He always admired my big eyes but by end of relationship he kept referencing my small tired eyes…v subtle. ..I lost all my energy…my skin was in hives…I did the opoosite to u Mel and ended up with a guy full of bravado after..the complete opposite but I’d done the journey with your work and got out quick. He showed himself then and I did your programme again. I feel so well now and I 100% believe that my code penance and unhealed self was the perfect match. I gladly sacrificed my time and honest ace to go visit him in his. He said he had social anxiety so I became the accommodating one. Now I have better realisation of how unhealthy I was and how whole I have become so I’m actually thankful he was my mirror and I got to be this person. I am so pleased you made this video and everytime he comes across me to try and entice me and then vanish if I say what..talk straight. ..I will watch this and just go back to this great life I have now. Thank you

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 5, 2018

      Hi Kateryzena,

      I am so pleased myself and NARP has helped so much. I wish everyone stopped struggling the hard way and did NARP too!

      That is great that you are clear now and have a great life.

      It is SO powerful when we reach that total gratitude for what we went through!

      Many continued blessings to you 🙂

      Mel xo

  • mkegarvin@gmail.com'
    Mary
    March 4, 2018

    What you described in this video fits my situation perfectly. I knew I had been in relationship with a narcissist yet he didn’t fit what I thought a narcissist should look like, almost the opposite, in fact. To all his friends and acquaintances he is the most generous, caring, giving person you could imagine, super smart, like genius level but not showing it overtly (except in small groups where all were enraptured by his knowledge- I saw this later from the outside). That is what led me to conversation with him first. Even right from the beginning he demanded my attention, even when I wasn’t willing to give it he somehow got me to agree for a visit. I was too nice to say no or get mean about it, somewhat flattered in a way, I guess, that he was wanting my company, yet I wanted space. I gave up all my boundaries, beliefs, reputation, and my closest spiritual friends when I chose to stay with him. He convinced me that he knew what I needed and he wanted me and I justified it to myself that he knew what I needed more than I did. I really wasn’t physically attracted to him and I had many panic attacks even trying to kiss him at first (In seven years I did not have one kiss that I enjoyed, in fact I didn’t want to kiss him at all- I remember distinctly the scene in Pretty Woman where Julia Roberts says no kissing on the mouth, that is reserved for a real boyfriend not a trick). The mental ploy was that I just needed to force my way through the anxiety because I had never dated anyone before, never been physical so it was natural to be hesitant and scared. He was older and wiser and knew a woman’s needs so he would take care of me. He did all right but it wasn’t really an option to say no. The guilt and manipulation if I did was unbearable. 95% of the time I gave in to all his wishes because if I didn’t his pouting was even more uncomfortable than the sex. Until the darkness in my spirit during sex was so horrific I couldn’t push my way through it anymore. I would rather die. The only thing that kept me alive at that point was the thought of what a disaster it would be for him to take care of our 2 children. With help from friends who saw my situation even clearer than I did I left in secret with the kids to a shelter and proceeded over 6 months to my home country. I still don’t feel free from his emotional manipulation and hence the children aren’t either. I have been searching for more help over the past 3 years so here I am. Hoping to find some more healing…

  • Jamiesell@ymail.com'
    Jamie
    March 5, 2018

    I believe I may be stuck in this type of relationship now. I left my ex husband of 17 years, and thought I was healed enough to get in another relationship. My ex husband was an overt narcissist and was 10 years older than me. I was in my early 20’s when we got together and quickly married. Now i believe I am in the throws of a covert type situation and can’t believe I am doing this again. It had been a year after my ex husband that we got together, and now we have been together nearly 2 years. I am scared and not sure how to proceed. But I have noticed a pattern of behavior that happens at times when I need support the most. He is unavailable, busy, and gives me bread crumbs, but expects huge thanks. Even sex is unsatisfying and all about him, despite my expressions of disappointment. I believe he is selfish, and all conversations always turn back to himself and his accomplishments. He rarely helps around the house, and when he does, he acts as if it was a great feat worthy of accolades. I am not aloud to openly grieve or discuss things that are bothering me. He tells me that I am “beating him up” when I have grievances about our relationship, and he says I am too sensitive and create problems that aren’t there. He also uses PTSD as an excuse to say that I need help and the problems really belong to my ex husband….. I am distraught and sad that this has happened to me again. I can’t believe I got myself into the same situation. He knows I am not strong right now, and am going through a tremendous anomaly in my life, however this is when his behavior becomes the worst. I feel stuck, and disappointed in myself for allowing this to happen again.

  • roma4amor@gmail.com'
    Deanna
    March 5, 2018

    Hi Mel!

    As always a FABULOUS video! For me, it has always been the mix of overt and covert with whatever narcissist I had to deal with.
    I know that these informative videos don’t replace doing the modules/inner work. Yet they are SO HELPFUL. You give us just the right amount of information so that we can understand what we are dealing with and approach it pragmatically as well as have a way to articulate what we are experiencing. Since the inner work takes time to get through, we still have to navigate through all sorts of stuff. Having the information definitely helps.

    I just completed Module #9. I particularly love this one and have listened to it as a kind of reinforcing meditation even when I didn’t have a charge left. I LOVE when you talk about ANCHORING IN to our truth and co-creation with all of life. I also LOVE when you say that it is our DIVINE RIGHT to be whole.
    For me, the process, regardless of what level of the detoxing I am at, begins with first being aware of the trauma and erroneous beliefs, then replacing them with healthier beliefs. But for a bit those healthier beliefs are more of an intellectual new understanding. But then the concept of ANCHORING IN comes where I can CLAIM them and FEEL on a deeper level that this is my new (and improved) reality.

    Thanks a million for being you and all that you do xoxoxoxo

    Lots of love,
    Deanna

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 5, 2018

      Hi Deanna,

      that is so wonderful that you realize and embody the inner work (transformational core healing) of NARP, and the informational supplements of these videos!

      You are so welcome, and keep shining Dear Lady.

      Mel xo

  • diannamthomson@gmail.com'
    MG
    March 5, 2018

    I still can’t decide if my husband is covert N. My head says yes, but my chest gets tight any time I consider that the relationship may not be fixable. I’ve given him 25 years, raised his children and taken care of everything at home. It’s cost me so much time. . . Time that I could have pursued a career. Time spent obsessing over what I said or did that made him angry. I can’t do it anymore. I’ve already grieved the perfect marriage I thought I had. But I’m scared to give up hope that things will get better and I can’t explain why. Have other people had success with your methods while still in a relationship? I’m hoping that by learning self-care I will find clarity.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 6, 2018

      Hi MG,

      absolutely doing the work on ourselves helps grant us power and clarity.

      That is your best option if you are not sure yet.

      Mel xo

  • jo.worrell@hotmail.com'
    Jody
    March 6, 2018

    Thank you so much for this information. I recently left a 3 year off and on relationship with a man who exhibited NPD, BPD, BP, Histrionic, Delusional, Addictive, and Magical Thinking. The covert Narc describes him the best and is helpful to me in understanding my Empathic, Codependent attraction to him. I have recently gone no contact after moving to another state where he continued to hoover me. Since I blocked him on my phone last week, he came here with his girlfriend and baby and sent her knocking on my door with gifts. She is a sweet girl who I believe may have a developmental disability and is unaware or just very accepting of his behavior. Anyway, I realize my part in this drama more clearly now and see that my past relationship of 20 years was also with a covert and often overt narc as well. I am working on myself now and your information gives me more tools to do that!

  • msmarlo@comcast.net'
    Marlo
    March 8, 2018

    Hi Melanie,
    I almost cried listening to this–cried with joy, that is, on how you have succinctly described the covert narcissist in my life. I was married to one for 16 years. My divorce is not yet final. I say cry with joy because it’s like “YES! someone gets what I went through.” So many friends and family tell me that they thought my husband was such a good guy and I think that some of them still believe this to be true. I always knew something was not quite right but I could never put my finger on it and I doubted myself and my judgement. I also agree that the covert narcissist can display overt narcissistic behavior such as the anger and rage when caught in a lie. I believed for many years that my husband was just insecure and that he needed me to “build him up” more; I always thought there was more that I could do to improve his outlook in life. The dynamic of the covert N and empath was exactly my life. I only wish I came across this information sooner. My son is 13 years old and I will unfortunately need to navigate the co-parenting situation with this person.

    I’m just now coming across all of your insightful information and have recently joined NARP. I hope to heal and come out of this a renewed person who won’t attract another N in my life. Thank you for all you do and share XOXOXO

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 8, 2018

      Hi Marlo,

      I am so pleased this resonated.

      How wonderful that you have joined our NARP Family – sending blessings, strength and incredible healing to you.

      It’s my pleasure Marlo 🙂

      Mel x

  • Bethangelsonhigh@gmail.com'
    Beth F
    March 9, 2018

    I have been married to a covert narc for 32 years. He is also an alcoholic so I have be going to Alanon, which, by the way, teaches the same strategies, I.e., to detach with love, give yourself some “me time”, let them alone to reach their bottom and to not be dragged into their drama and manipulations and most importantly, to work on your self as you are the only one who can change you. when I heard this video I could not believe how it described my husband to the letter. I am in the process of trying to evict him from our home. I simply can not abide his presence there. Of course he changes from being sad and hurt and manipulating to making me feel guilty, to suddenly becoming strong and abusive and more blaming. I am so astonished at myself for being so resolute this time (as I have attempted to remove him several times in the past but gave in) As I now understand, due to Mel’s awesome teaching, why I did accept him back in the past. . I was emotionally tied and he always offered just enough to pull me back in. Little things I call “tokens” No more! Now I am stronger and am in a better place than before and frankly I do not give a damn. However, he uses illness and depression as his weapon to prey on my empathic personality. Now that I now what a narc is and what they are like, I keep telling myself to stop already with the sympathy because of what he really is and is only saying those things as a manipulation. I still get the pangs to feel sorry for him. But, understanding is bringing me to my senses and once he is gone I am looking forward to regaining my life and filling it with love and joy! Thank you Mel for all you do and for everyone in this community!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 11, 2018

      Hi Beth,

      That is wonderful that you are resolute and so determined to claim your life back.

      Wishing you continued power and freedom Beth.

      Mel xo

  • judithmhoogenboom@gmail.com'
    Lisa
    March 10, 2018

    Hi Melanie,

    Thank you so much for this episode of Thriver TV. I’ve been in the NARP program since February and have been no contact since January.

    It’s incredibly validating to hear your description of the covert narcissist. It’s so spot on. The man I was involved in with presented himself as single but is married with two children. I’ve never been in a relationship like this. It was the soul mate experience. He was anxious and depressed when I met him, he’s extremely introverted, and has all kinds of PTSD from childhood into his adult years. I don’t know how any empath could resist such a cocktail! And I was so unsuspecting. He seemed very shy, soft spoken and full of self doubt, but I could also see that he was very manipulative and controlling. It was so difficult to figure out what was truth and what was manipulation. When I found out he was married, that just started another round of empathy. It was hard to imagine that he was the wrongdoer, and I was so in love with him by then.

    For me, what I lost, was my integrity, sense of self, and ethics. I crossed so many lines that I would never have knowingly crossed, and by the time I found out he was married, I was hooked. I also eventually compromised my job, self-respect and my family relationships to continue the relationship. I lost quite a bit and gained very little.

    My father is an overt, violent narcissist and I’ve been with narcissists of various types over the years that are flavors of that, not violent, but the brilliant complex type. I was financially bankrupted by the last of those. I’ve learned to avoid this type and over the past 10 years I’ve done a lot of work on myself and had only just returned to dating when I met the covert narcissist. So I fit the pattern you describe! And I’m grateful for this last and I hope final wake-up call.

    I’m writing all this in the event anyone reading is in doubt about their felt experience with a covert narcissist. It can really mess with your head if you tend towards compassion and empathy. Even now, I “feel sorry” for him. He pulls at my heartstrings. This man who cheats on his wife and family and manipulated and lied to me for his own ends repeatedly and truly treated me horribly. Constant hot and cold and weekly discards of one kind or another. Like someone who beats you constantly but doesn’t leave any marks. It’s awful. I know how to stand up for myself with an overt narcissist. This is different. It’s hard to call out the behavior as “bad”. It’s insidious.

    My experience with the covert narcissist, because he was married, led me to the infidelity blogs where I started to see a lot about narcissism and NPD. If I hadn’t known with 100% certainty that he was cheating (his wife likely does not know this), I’m not sure I would ever have been able to see through him with any confidence. It’s so hard. I would have continued to think it was me, not him (as he would have me believe).

    But whether or not the person ticks all the boxes as someone with NPD really doesn’t matter. In my case, he definitely does. And it helps to understand that and what happened and why I need to remain no contact. But I also see that all of this is truly about ME and the wounds I have that would even allow me to remain in a relationship with this man. He’s truly nothing. A small little bug that feeds on people like me. The NARP program and community have been tremendously helpful. Even in just one month I’ve noticed tremendous change.

    I came to the program after reading so many things that didn’t really connect or explain, either my felt experience or a way out, and I am grateful to have finally found NARP. Every episode and blog are from your heart and experience and they all ring so true. So thank you!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 11, 2018

      Hi Lisa,

      I appreciate your post to this community very much because everything you have said is so true.

      I am so pleased you are coming out of the fog and into your healing.

      Mel xo

  • Kimrem70@yahoo.com'
    Kim
    March 10, 2018

    Wow, empath medium here, raised by narcissistic abusive parents, married someone who is a covert one. God is opening my eyes, looking for a therapist specializes in npd as we speak. Thank you for the video. God bless, Kim

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 11, 2018

      Hi Kim,

      That is wonderful that you are gaining clarity and on the path to healing.

      Please also know my Recovery work is especially designed for healing from narcissistic abuse and has been successful for so many. To check these resources out you can start here: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Mel xo

  • Kennethcarbaugh@hotmail.com'
    KC Jones
    March 14, 2018

    I know now I am not crazy. I felt like I was to blame and I was a narricist. I know while I may have a trait or two which grabbed my attention, I started to see these traits in my now-ex girlfriend. The manipulation and guilt. Childhood Trauma, a complete inability to handle stress or want to work. We had no children and a conservative sized 3 bedroom home bit it was too much too handle with her 4 cats. (I’m not kidding 😑).
    I worked excessively to save money to build a house and as self-employment works it’s always 40-80hrs a week. I always made time for us to get away a few weekends a year and a week or more at least once a year. Often times with my family to very nice places & several countries. Still it wasn’t enough. I never spent and time with her, I was criticized for what I did and why it took me so long. She started to grow tentacles around me at some point. Constantly being clingy and wanting to snuggle and needing affection and affirmation I think.
    The guilt trips and then the isolation from anyone she felt might be a threat…
    15 years of this… I woke up from the Nightmare 6weeks ago and now I finally told her I’m through and done with the relationship and will not come back. I am leaving town as fast as I can but still living next door to her. It’s a nightmare but maybe it will get better as it has been pretty bad.
    My Mum told me I was in a toxic relationship 5 or more years ago. I was in denial I suppose and justified all her (GF) BS. I know now I am feeling like the village idiot but life goes on. No stop or rewind in life, just occasionally a pause if your lucky.
    Thank you so very much. This touched my heart a bit and gave me hope and some needed affirmation I’m not an evil man, just one who’s been manipulated.

    Can you tell me this? Does she know what she’s doing? Is this Covert Narcissist behavior a result of children traumas and coping mechanisms that leave her without understanding what she’s doing? I have noted her lack of empathy in many ways. Oddly she had asked me 3 or more years ago if I thought she lacked empathy and what I thought it meant. Ding ding ding….

  • nicopopliceanu@yahoo.com'
    Nicoleta
    March 19, 2018

    My mother is a covert narc.

  • Clrmurray@yahoo.co.uk'
    Claire
    March 19, 2018

    My soon-to-be-ex partner is predominately a covert. Huge levels of paranoia, projection and victim mentality. But I also get the overt behaviour too and am on the receiving end of frequent uncontrollable outbursts of anger followed by being cut off until I apologise for making him angry with me. He lies about anything and everything and I suspect he is involved with someone else.

    I tried to create a job and income stream for him within my business (get told to this day I used him as an “unpaid slave”), I looked after him after major surgery (recently told that meant nothing as he didn’t asked me to!), all our leisure activities and holidays were planned around his health needs. Everything I told him about my past and childhood is used against me (apparently abuse I suffered as a child has ruined his life!!)

    I lost income, decision making powers in my own business, my health and wellbeing suffered hugely (I honestly thought I was going mad at some points, a view he encouraged!), I gave up most of my interests and hobbies, lost friendships, left feeling utterly emotionally and psychologically drained. I have had 2 years of therapy and we have not lived together for a year now and I now feel strong enough to hopefully cut the ties and release myself from this hell.

  • joyce.desmond913@gmail.com'
    Joy
    March 21, 2018

    Hello Melanie,
    First, I want to Thank you for providing these tools and information to help us heal. I came across one of your videos 2 years ago, in a serendipitous fashion. Everything happens for a reason, there are no coincidences.
    To answer the two specific questions; from the beginning of the relationship, I was taking care of the Narcissist, who was going through an emotionally challenging time, due to a situation with another woman. The situation should have been a HUGE red flag, but being empathic, young and naive, I wanted to take care of him and his emotional needs. I just wanted to alleviate his suffering. I told him that I would take care of him when I thought that he was really sick, and he asked me, “Who is going to take care of Joy?”. My energy was consumed by seeing to his emotional needs, which once he had me hooked, turned into supplementing his financial needs as well. I became his doormat and emotional punching bag. I missed out on relationships, creating a career of my dreams as well as my own emotional/psychological needs. After the relationship dissolved, I experienced the physical and psychological symptoms, thus was prescribed a cocktail of psychotropic medications, which made life worse. Thank God for a wonderful chiropractor who was keen enough to know that what I was experiencing adrenal fatigue!
    I’ve been on the road of healing for about 10 years now, but recently had a couple of narcissists appear in my life. The most recent was very profound and somewhat of a gift. He is what you refer to as an “AID”. Its almost as if he knew on a deep soul level what his purpose was, as a Narcissist, in the healing and evolution of my soul; but I do not dare break “no contact” to thank him. It just tells me that I am at the point in my journey where I am ready to experience profound growth and healing. Thank you

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 22, 2018

      Hi Joy,

      please know it is my pleasure! I LOVE that you are ready to experience profound growth and healing – you SO deserve that! When we go Quantum it really does take it to a whole new level!

      Mel xo

  • linda.bel@bigpond.com'
    Linda
    March 22, 2018

    9 years on from leaving a covert narcissist and I’m only now starting to put my life back together.
    I think I’m still stunned as to why I let someone treat me that way. I’ve only learnt recently about being an empath, added to being an introvert and a Highly Sensitive, I suppose I was an easy target.
    I would get the silent treatment, the endless monologues, the evasive answers to any of my questions that were to do with his past or his thoughts/arguments. And if I pulled him up on the evasion then he would go on and on and on about the way I communicated and how wrong it was (and he ALWAYS had to be right), to prove how bad a person I was and not up to his intellect. The constant changing of goalposts. The lack of intimacy (not sex mind you) but real intimacy, closeness. He wouldn’t kiss and I can remember exactly 5 times over the 15 years we were together that he actually touched me without it being sexual in orientation. I think he said my name even less. We never sleep a night together. The house was set up the way he wanted. He had a comfortable chair/lounge, I had a plastic outdoor chair. I couldn’t change anything. Everywhere we went was always where he wanted to go – outings, restaurants, visiting friends. I did everything around the place that he didn’t want to do. He was charming around his friends and then behind their backs he would take them apart and analyse them to show me how right he was and how screwed up they were. If only the world would listen to him.
    I went numb. I very nearly went mad. I would have outbursts of anger. I told him I’m sick of doing anger for both of us. It was always out of pure frustration of the totally screwy mind f*@k games. He did try to convince me I was schizophrenic. I had been a very level headed, easygoing, kind, practical person who loved photography, nature, creativity and music. Anything that didn’t serve a purpose for him I gave up. I sewed the majority of his clothes, I learnt the guitar, but he put me down quite badly when he saw me doing better than him. OMG, I can’t believe I stayed with someone like that.
    The day I said enough, no more, I had asked him a question. We sat there for an hour of the outdoor swing without him replying. I waited and I knew that if I asked him again I’d get the same kind of blaming me response. So I left. I did go NO CONTACT, and that has been a blessing. I would get big anxiety if I saw his vehicle in the shopping centre carpark, and go elsewhere to shop. He doesn’t have a phone and I still get phone messages on my landline for him. I ignore them.
    I’ve watched a couple of your videos now Melanie and it’s true that trying to figure out them is not the way. I’ve been looking into my own story, mainly of abandonment and being a ‘good little girl’ most of life, to be loved, also understanding the qualities of being an empath and a highly sensitive. It’s a wonderful journey and thanks for your programme. I’m at Day 1. L x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 23, 2018

      Hi Linda,

      It’s no wonder you nearly went mad. It took enormous strength for you to leave and you should be so proud of yourself that you did.

      I am so happy for you that you are looking within and to heal you and that you are a NARP member. It is your time to heal lovely lady.

      Wishing you every blessing and breakthrough.

      Mel xo

  • Marciasevans72@gmail.com'
    Simone
    March 23, 2018

    Hi Mel,

    So grateful for this video. Look at how many of us suffered at the hands of covert narcissists. The Narc was incredibly intelligent, highly successful and had me totally manipulated into taking responsibility for him. It was a hard but incredibly important lesson learnt through NARP that I am only responsible for myself. Around 2 years fully out now, thriving thanks to NARP and I am a different person now. Dependent types / victim types who I use to love to “save” I dont get attached anymore, I do try to help the by getting them to help themselves and if they are not willing to do that I naturally walk away. Thankyou Melanie for all you do, there would be no gift from this without your divine work developing the NARP programme. To anyone unsure of NARP just do it. It is incredibly life changing in the most profound positive ways.
    Much love
    Simone

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 24, 2018

      Hi Simone,

      I am so happy to help!

      That is wonderful you have worked diligently with NARP and are now thriving.

      Aww thank you for loving words – I am so grateful too!

      Bless you.

      Mel xo

  • wsandweiss@gmail.com'
    WENDY
    March 25, 2018

    DECADES!

  • wsandweiss@gmail.com'
    WENDY
    March 25, 2018

    I gave everything!!! I took care of the household, kids, finances, pets, laundry, groceries, cooking, packing for travel….You get the idea. And it was never enough!!! And he made me feel like all the problems in our relationship were about me, I was the broken one. The fog was so thick!

    • kimstenning78@yahoo.com.au'
      Kim
      June 10, 2018

      I can completely relate Wendy. I did everything too. I could not get him to help out much at all and then he would complain that I wasn’t attentive enough to him. It is complete insanity.

  • wsandweiss@gmail.com'
    WENDY
    March 25, 2018

    I missed out on true intimacy and love. Not to mention respect, appreciation and being heard.

  • morningstarglory@hotmail.com'
    morningstarglory
    April 4, 2018

    Thank you for your videos. i was trying to sign up for your 16 day free course. Are you still offering it? It just took me to the subscribe page and i’m already subscribed. Also didn’t receive email so i can edit my information as a subscriber. thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 4, 2018

      Hi Morningstarglory,

      you are very welcome. Please email support@melanietoniaevans.com and one of my lovely team will help you! Also please check your junk mail in case your emails have gone in there!

      Mel xo

    • Evergreendragon55@gmail.com'
      Elijah Muhammad
      August 30, 2018

      Hi Amatullah. I love you. And these people can change their behaviour if they love Allah and their gift of life. Im gratitude I know u and I love u. Write if u wish to.

  • johnleroy2928@gmail.com'
    MJB
    April 8, 2018

    I know a covert narcissist who is somewhat enmeshed in my life, meaning they don’t live with me but I interact with them once or twice per week. After listening to your webinar today and reading many of your articles I realize that I have poor boundaries and am committed to taking care of myself going forward. My question is, what is the best way to extricate this person from my life? Some have recommended that going “grey rock” is the best method so as to not receive anger or quilting or other unwanted or manipulative behaviors. Do you agree?

    I greatly appreciate the work you are doing to help all of us who have struggled with this for years. You bring a lot of clarity to the truth of what these narcs are really doing and why. I loved your exercise of bonding with our inner child. I think it really helps us (empaths) to focus on ourselves. I printed out old photos of myself when I was a toddler so I can look at “her” frequently during the day and remind myself who I’m fighting for. Thank you so much for your work and your courage.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 9, 2018

      Hi MJB,

      I am so pleased so much of this resonated with you and please know you are very welcome.

      Leaving and recovering from a narcissist relationship is such a deeply multi faceted journey as narcissists will and do tend to throw up at us all our inner unresolved fears, which can hook us in or drag us back.

      Also just the thought of moving on and generating what we need for our own lives with the nervous system anxieties that surface within us can be extremely challenging.

      This is why my highest suggestion is NARP https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      Grey Rock is absolutely a great start and there will usually be a great deal
      more necessary for your recovery.

      I hope this makes sense.

      Mel xo

  • lisa.spauldo99@gmail.com'
    Lisa Spaulding
    April 11, 2018

    Dear Melanie

    Your work is amazing and you are helping so many people. I have spent the last 5 yrs of my life with a covert narcissist who at times behaved like an overt narcissist. We were engaged to be married and I felt myself becoming more and more unwell, devoid of life, energy and joy and towards the end completely numb, carrying myself through the day like a zombie. Everything you describe sums up my relationship, the brain fog, the lack of energy, the feeling as though I was going crazy, the numbness. I will never forget the first time I hugged my partner. She is in the Police Force and I felt so warm and protected and safe. She had big strong shoulders and I told her that I felt so safe in her arms and protected. Interestingly as time went on safe was far from how I felt.

    I knew it was time to leave her when I was driving fast along a main road, late at night in December 2017, tears streaming down my face and thinking I should just drive into a tree. I truly felt there was no other way out. I was supposed to marry her, I adored her and yet I felt like my life was being destroyed and I would be better off if I wasn’t around anymore. I have 2 adult children and the thought of doing that to them was enough to snap me out of it. I drove home and continued on for another couple of weeks becoming increasingly unwell, both physically and mentally until I walked out on her mid December.

    I am now on my journey to heal. I am co dependant and an empath and want to do the work to heal myself and learn to take care of me so that I never attract the wrong person again. Currently I feel that I don’t ever want to be with anyone again. This has been my 4th serious relationship since the breakdown of my marriage 17 yrs ago. (My X husband was a narcissist also although I never realised that until being in my latest relationship) When I left my husband I fell in love with a woman and so have spent the last 16 years in relationships with women. Being with women felt as natural to me as breathing and so, I thought the issues I had with my husband must have primarily been because I preferred to be with women. I have always said that I fall in love with the person, not the gender.

    I have learnt so much from you Melanie but ultimately realise that this is all about me, that the people I have been with have been sent to “wake” me up and get me to heal my inner child. So, that is what I am committed to doing. I don’t ever want to experience what I have over the last 5 years again. The scariest thing is how slowly it engulfs you. It really is covert. If you saw the level 10 behaviour from day one no way would you stick around. My X always used to say how easy going I was and how tolerant I was and she loved to play this game where she would see how long she could wind me up for before I completely lost it. Then she would desolve in laughter. Seeing her at times like that I realise it was some of the happiest times for her. She gained immense pleasure in seeing me lose my temper. It was all a game for her. Now I look back and am horrified. At the time I just went with the flow.

    I can’t wait to continue on my journey with you. Cheers Lisa

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 12, 2018

      Hi Lisa,

      It totally is so devestating and dangerous to be hooked and stripped bare the way that narcissistic abuse leaves us.

      Lisa I am so happy for you that you are out and now healing and that myself and this incredible community can help you.

      Wishing you strength and incredible breakthrough Lisa.

      It’s your time and you have got this Dear Lady.

      Mel xo

  • Mls314@hotmail.com'
    Michele
    April 20, 2018

    I married a man after 7 yrs of dating and living together that has ADD. There were many red flags that I ignored or behaviors that I associated to his ADD. His adult daughter tried warning me that he was a cheater and has cheated on everyone he’s been with. He would tell me his daughter tries to destroy all of his relationships because she was jealous. He totally love bombed me and we were both getting divorced when we started dating( now I’m not sure if he truly was getting divorced at the time). We got married almost 4 years ago and our relationship started to change a 1 1/2 after we got married. I travel a lot for work and he wasn’t getting enough attention from me and becoming very needy and showing zero empathy or understanding for me. I knew he was insecure about himself but again I thought it was from his ADD. The past year as been horrible with lies and crazy stories to cover his lies and to throw me off. It was a constant rollercoaster ride with me trying to do things to help our relationship. I just figured our issues were because we didn’t spend enough time together. He started to travel for work (sales rep) and tell me he had to work on the weekends.

    I started pressing him for information and asking him for hotel receipts. He continually lied and put everything on me saying the reason we were having problems was because I didn’t trust him. The final straw was Christmas and New Year’s Eve. He left me on both of those days saying he had to work. He went to extremes to hide what he was doing. by creating fake hotel receipts and many stories. I eventually hired a PI and had him followed and tracked. I found out so much in one week. Heh had been living a completely separate life. He had a girlfriend for 8 months(I spoke to her to get info because he lied about everything) and had been gambling a lot. He had debt I didn’t know about and had taken money from one of our investment accounts. I had to find everything on my own. Even with hard facts he would still try and lie. It was my PI that told me I was married to a narcissist. I kicked him out and now a month away from getting divorced. I even tried telling his girlfriend who she was involved with (he lied to her about our relationship) but he’s love bombing her and making me sound crazy so I stopped communicating with her. I realized it was her journey. I know I am a total empath and that’s how I got involved with him. I didn’t realize how depressed I was until after he moved out. It’s been a rough couple of months but I’m on the road to healing my wounds.

    I have totally exposed him to family and friends. His reactions go from screaming crazy to total ghosting me. The one thing he has done is apologize and tell me how story he his for ruining our marriage and that he lost his mind. He of course blames me saying I didn’t pay attention to him and that I wasn’t proud to have him as my husband. He’s a covert narcissist with some overt tendencies. In your experience do narcissists ever go for therapy? Do some of them not know they are a narcissist?

  • greycat800@yahoo.com'
    Linda
    June 6, 2018

    Hi All,

    I just wanted to chime in and give some hope that you can feel better about life.

    I left my covert N almost 2 years ago. I struggled financially and emotionally. We don’t have children or property together so there was no need to maintain contact. We have only spoken once since I left and I have not seen him – I don’t know where he lives and he changed his number after our last conversation last April 2017.

    I have missed him many times but continued to live my life with my daughter and focus on getting my life back in order, which I have. I got a better paying job, I’m learning new skills and I am able to pay for my life without my ex.

    Here’s the good part…I went to a rock show the other night – a band we both like. The venue was HUGE and there were tens of thousands of people. I went with my daughter, and a few other friends and I was enjoying the night. Lo and behold, who do I see less than 100 feet from me – my ex! I couldn’t believe in such a big place with so many people I would run into him.

    He looked exactly the same – I changed my hair, look a little more fit (working out) and looked good that night. He was acting the same – hanging out with a group of younger people and when they moved on to other parts, he found other strangers to talk to in an attempt to get attention. He has many beautiful tattoos and goes shirtless to get as much attention on these as possible. Strangely, it was all near where I was standing.

    My first reaction was shaking. I hadn’t seen him and didn’t know how to act. I immediately composed myself, told the others I was with my ex was there. We shared briefly how I wanted to confront him about getting the divorce (not filed yet) or kick him so he fell in a drunken stupor (he’s an alcoholic). My daughter even begged me not to go near him. I complied.

    He even motioned to my daughter to come over to him. Of course, she was scared (she’s 11) and did not go near him either. I spent the rest of the show talking to these friends, enjoying the show and being happy to be with my kid.

    HE was ossified drunk, as usual, ready to fall over ad his “friends” went elsewhere during the show leaving him alone for most of it.

    I never spoke to him or even looked for him and only saw him around me when I walked to the bathroom or got a beer. I really didn’t care I was enjoying my night.

    That’s the moral – it has taken a while and I’m still working on losing any feelings I have for him BUT it’s working. I am becoming someone I like again and HE is still the same desperate and sad alcoholic narcissist. I wish it had been different for us but I am able to move on more every day knowing that I have more hope in my life than he will ever have. It makes me sad for him – but damn happy for me

    Love to all – be well
    Linda

  • rosskatherine001@gmail.com'
    Katherine
    June 9, 2018

    I remember at the beginning “he” said “I want your mind, body and soul”…

    Long story short, that’s what I ended up giving him as “care taker”!

    Sometimes, without permission!

    I learnt a lot in 10yrs.

  • valerieAwedel@gmail.com'
    Valerie
    June 10, 2018

    The biggest thing I gave up in my former relationship was trust and love. I thought I could somehow make the narc trust me, so i kept trying because i thought he was wounded and I could “heal” him.

    What a great hook that was for him. I’d say that was the root hook, everything else sort of flowed and built from that one.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 10, 2018

      Hi Valerie,

      Oh yes I hear you – that has been a big hook for many.

      Great you are out of that now.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • kimstenning78@yahoo.com.au'
    Kim
    June 10, 2018

    I got sucked right into the no-one supports me or understands me spiel. I was the saint who continuous helped him find his way up from rock bottom. I wasn’t the only one. He even had his buddies from the music industry paying his legal fees and prominent people in the community giving him character references to keep him out of prison. Eventually, for no logical reason, I became the enemy he needed saving from. There were a couple of times when he even physically assaulted me and it was my job to support him in his recovery from acting out so shamefully! I was told that it was the perpetrators that need the most help and support in these situations.

    • kimstenning78@yahoo.com.au'
      Kim
      June 10, 2018

      One of the things I missed out on was any true remorse or apologies for bad behavior. He was very covert and altruistic as far as his perception in society was concerned. At home the overt behavior would surface.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 10, 2018

      Thank goodness Kim,

      You are no longer playing that out.

      There is no upside in taking responsibility for people who will not take responsibility for themselves.

      We finally care enough about ourselves to give that up.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • newrhoades@yahoo.com'
    Bonnie
    June 12, 2018

    He lied about EVERYTHING- big & small, he lied when it would’ve been easier to tell the truth. And when I’d finally had enough & caught him ‘red-handed” & told him that I would never believe another thing he told me, he had the nerve to tell me that our problems were because I had trust issues! Also, I was the ultimate caregiver, I wanted to be a wife with a partner in life, not his mommy. I even had to drive him to jury duty because he was afraid he would get lost. He faked chest pains to get out of trouble at work. He would come home from work and dump all of his negativity on me, (I loved that you used the exact word “dump” to describe what they do-so true) the boss yelled at him for this or that (but it was never his fault), the guys made fun of him & called him stupid, etc. It got to the point that every night, about 30 minutes before he got home I would have an anxiety attack. I dreaded his home coming. He would stand over me & yell & complain. It was so stressful, my stomach was in knots; I couldn’t eat dinner with my family because of the stomach pain. Toward the end of the relationship, when I started to see him for the monster he truly is, it was like in the Bible where it says “the scales fell from their eyes” It was life changing & traumatizing; I couldn’t believe I had been so blind, so trusting, made excuses for him, gave him the benefit of the doubt-but I couldn’t deny it any longer. It frightened me so, that I started to think I couldn’t trust my own judgment if I could live with someone for 21 years and not really know him. This person is capable of great evil, but everyone else thinks he is Mr. Wonderful!

  • pjtaverner@hotmail.ca'
    Pamela
    June 14, 2018

    I am 24 hours out of a relationship with a covert narcissist. I am still coming to terms with this and how I fell into this web again (because he is not outwardly “overt”, I bought into the lies). I thought I was healed and had finally met the man I deserved, only to discover I was wrong. I am devastated and in so much pain right now, trying desperately to go no contact and to keep myself from giving up. The love I thought I finally found has turned out to be a nightmare. This episode my have very well just saved my life.

  • johnleroy2928@gmail.com'
    DMJ
    June 16, 2018

    Is there a transcript available for this episode?

  • snowdancer1133@gmail.com'
    Char
    June 21, 2018

    I have learned my ex is a covert narc. He was always in some kind of drama. If I tried to talk about something that was on my mind he was “suddenly” sick or in pain in a dramatic way, I know now, to avert my attention off of my needs to his.
    I know he was very abused and abandoned as a child by his narc mother. So I just thought it was his way of getting attention (with feigned illnesses or pain) because that was probably the only attention he got from his mother as a child.
    Not knowing anything about narcissism at the time. We were together for almost 2 years. I found out about 3 years ago that I am an empath. So naturally he latched on to me as a caregiver. He “love bombed” me at first but within a month all the sweet love words and actions stopped. His claim was “well I do that in relationships, once I know I have you I don’t feel the need to do those things anymore.” He would leave me for anywhere from a day to a week over some little issue. Then come back as if nothing happened. He would frequently use the silent treatment (knowing I hated it, but would thrive off of me constantly contacting him to make sure he was at least alive). It COMPLETELY amazes me that such people exist and can be so controlling and manipulative. He even proposed to me on Christmas day in 2016. But would never commit to a date for marriage. Now I know why. And of course ALL his past relationships were fraught with infidelity and drug or alcohol abuse and neglect. And I felt sorry for him and how “he was so mistreated” when he (seemed) like such a wonderful man who didn’t deserve that! I went into over $7000.00 in debt trying make him happy. Which of course I didn’t know I couldn’t do.
    I’m struggling with emotions and trauma bondage and maintaining the no contact rule. It’s an addiction that people who haven’t been through this type of abuse can understand. I feel alone and trapped and weak and hopeless and angry!!! It ticks me off to know how stupid I was. How I took him back time after time. How he chronically lied to me. He has even given me an STD!! I am so grateful for the information you provide Melanie. It has helped me see that it REALLY was HIM not ME. And that there is hope, even if I can’t see that right now.

  • Freedomwon1@Yandex.mail'
    Celeste
    June 24, 2018

    I have known covert narcissists. I say narcissists because I had a relationship with one and the other happened to be the offsping of the first narcissist. The 2nd person has always been very secretive even about stupid stuff that leads one to ask why it should even be a secret. But yes I was constantly told that i was the cause of all wrong and life would be good only if I were to change my beliefs, thoughts, religion, culinary likes, fashion style, hobbies, job, friends and more. I think you can see the pattern that nothing I ever did was right by thier standards. Yet among my peers we all enjoy the same things and all get along fine. It angers them because I can see through their BS very quickly. I ended up just walking away. Let them live with themselves because they are all thy have and will have to live with their own BS for the rest of their lives. What a sad thought. The light bulb went on for me when deep down I realized that they are who they are and that is never going to change. It has nothing to do with me whatsoever and more about their own personalities. Loving them from far off keeps the drama out of my life and the worries away from my door while they have to learn to take responsibility for their own lives however and where ever that might be.

  • elephantevents108@gmail.com'
    Tinka
    July 25, 2018

    Thank you for this, very insightful. I wonder, however, if narcissists are aware of their behavior and its consequences? Do you think they know, and are doing this on purpose?

  • Codyvalentine@gmail.com'
    Cody V
    September 27, 2018

    Hey MTE! Any chance you can post a transcript of this video?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 27, 2018

      Hi Cody,

      No sorry there is not one available for this video.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • soniajgale@yahoo.com'
    Sonia Gale
    October 6, 2018

    This made so much sense Mel. I’ve been stuck with a covert narcissist for a decade. I’ve twisted, turned and felt like I was losing my mind. Three times I’ve gone NC only to cave in after being convinced the silent treatment was all my fault. The mind games he played were awful. Last week, we had a fight, I called him on his behaviour and I was instantly distanced (abandonment being my weakness). I’ve been enrolled on your Quantum course and although it’s early days, I’m managing to stick to NC this time. Thank you so much for sharing the videos and your knowledge!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 8, 2018

      It’s my pleasure Sonia, and I am so pleased this could help.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

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