Melanie Tonia Evans

What To Do When A Narcissist Swiftly Replaces You And Flaunts Their New Supply

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 6
71
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

Is there any more soul crushing and punishing thing in our life than to be replaced with another love partner?

Possibly not.

And how horrifying is it to see the evidence of the narcissist and their new lover plastered all over social media enjoying a wonderful loved up time, whilst we can barely get out of bed, let alone function normally.

If we have been discarded and replaced in a heartbeat, and the narcissist is cruelly rubbing our nose in it, the trauma may be so horrific that we feel like we want to literally die.

And maybe this happened to you a while ago, and you are still hanging on to hope and now find yourself in the terrible position of maintaining a connection with the narcissist whilst he or she is with the new source of supply.

Either way you may be traumatised beyond measure – wondering why you aren’t good enough or loveable enough anymore and the new source of supply is.

I promise you this though … that once you heal from this devastation not only will you NOT be triggered, devastated or traumatised anymore … you will be thrilled beyond measure that you are now out of the muck once and for all.

In this deep and very necessary dive into this episode (which is so important because the trauma from this is brutal) I share with you what is a healthy model of operation after breakups, what narcissists do that is severely unhealthy in breakups, and how we may unknowingly also make serious mistakes in our choices after breakups.

Then I take you through to the understanding of WHY being replaced hurts so much, what is really taking place in your Inner Being and how to stop the pain forever, as well as any chance of being a part of a cruel discard / replace situation ever again.

It is my greatest wish that you not only survive this trauma, but Thrive and connect with true, healthy and honourable love – which is your birthright – as well.

I promise you I know this trauma intimately. Years ago I heard about the narcissist with a younger gorgeous version who he was flaunting to my social circle and friends.

And then, whilst shopping, I ran into him and her!

The trauma was beyond horrific.

I know how you may be feeling, and I promise you with all my heart that on the other side of this agony there is so much to look forward to.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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71 Thoughts on What To Do When A Narcissist Swiftly Replaces You And Flaunts Their New Supply
  • Obrien315@gmail.com'
    Catherine
    August 9, 2017

    Melanie –

    Every video you have inspires me more to self partner in ways I did not know existed. I once was blind and now I see.
    Thank you for this very important work on human relations and a special thank you for having me look in the mirror to begin the journey to authenticity.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 9, 2017

      Hi Catherine,

      I am so pleased it has – because it is the key!

      It’s my absolute pleasure.

      Mel xo

    • monalisaco@yahoo.com'
      CLM
      August 10, 2017

      Yes! This! Exactly! ?

    • monalisaco@yahoo.com'
      CLM
      August 10, 2017

      Yes! This! Catherine, Exactly! ?

    • sranco428@gmail.com'
      Susan
      August 18, 2017

      Won’t let me sign up for your webinar 8/19-20.
      Please advise.
      Thank you
      Susan
      Sranco428@gmail.com

    • emilymurr@msn.com'
      Emily
      September 4, 2017

      Hi Melanie,

      I know that my PTSD comes from my parents being unavailable to love and care for me while I was young and vulnerable which lead to an abusive relationship with my ex partener.

      Where do I go from here? I don’t blame my mother or father for their mistakes as I have learnt about their pasts and understand the behaviours were learned from their own parents and so on.

      I’m so poor and struggling as it is with some chronic digestive issues. I’m only 24 and feel I have so much to offer the world. It’s very challenging. I appreciate any advice.. thank you.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        September 4, 2017

        Hi Emily,

        please come into my free webinar.

        http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

        It is the fastest and most direct way I know of regarding how to understand how to release trauma in order to get well, as well as experiencing directly – and the associated relief of that – in your body.

        I hope this helps.

        Mel xo

  • kristensteele@ymail.com'
    Kristen Steele
    August 9, 2017

    Melanie,

    As always, your teaching was amazing. I found NARP because I was in a relationship with a narcissist and it’s helped me in so many ways beyond healing from that experience. I have 3 good friends thay have similar childhood wounds that are struggling to work with them. I’d so love to be able to share your resources with them, but they’re not and haven’t been with narcissists so they don’t see the relevance. Have you ever considered creating resources without the narcissist context? You have such a unique, wise and effective style, I think so many non-narcissistically abused people would benefit from it.

    Thank you for your work from the bottom of my heart.

    • Pamela_Duncan@yahoo.com'
      Pamela
      August 9, 2017

      If you feel abuse in any way… I can assure you that narcissism has something to do with it. My mother was not a narcissist but she had traits of one. She could be pleasant but on many levels she was.. I think you can see where I’m headed with that. I agree.. Melanie’s delivery is the best. I suggest this.. How about your friends delve into this and try to understand what’s being spoken about. Afterall… Isn’t that you did? That’s what I did, stumbled on Melanie. Had I not listened then I would not be healing. Thank you Melanie. .

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 9, 2017

      Hi Kristen,

      I am so pleased this resonates with you 🙂

      Please know there are many people who have worked NARP who have never had adult N relationships and possibly not Family of Origin ones – yet the truth is there is always unconscious parenting that has taken place.

      NARP ultimately turns us inwards to find and release our trauma – period – regardless of how it got there and what it is!

      So … for now NARP works for these people, but yes in answer to your question yes QFH will be released in the future, in this way.

      Thank you for lovely words and please know you are very welcome 🙂

      Mel xo

    • valpal@rogers.com'
      Valerie Palmer
      August 10, 2017

      I too am working with Mel ‘s program for my childhood wounds. I was raised by a narcissistic Mother, married to a covert for 14 and had two other relationships where they had narcissistic traits. I’ ve been alone now for 11 years…. then I was once again triggered big time by my eldest son!! He is emulating his Dad!! I truly believe Mel programme is working for me!

  • casting@sasharobertson.com'
    Sash
    August 9, 2017

    Dear Mel, Thanks so much for this. I was replaced so quickly after a 20 year marriage. I had started to read and understand about Narcissism but I could not believe that my husband would do the same to me. By the end of the marriage I was exhausted and ill and smoking cigarettes constantly and getting thinner and more and more broken. But I stood up to him and eventually found the strength to leave. Within months he had found a replacement (and to my shame I have to admit that even after leaving him we continued to sleep together). I was completely devastated. It was so quick and it was possibly the most painful thing I have ever experienced. She is younger than me and I now realise was in the background of our marriage. He has a pub (which I gave him the money to start up) and she now works there with him. My teenage daughter works there sometimes and all our friends still go to the pub to hang out. It holds so many memories for me of the kids growing up and my father who loved going there (who has now died) and it was a place where we spent so much of our lives. She now runs it with him and I hear constantly from friends and my daughter how she is the queen bee there and acts like the place is her own. It has been painful beyond measure and I feel I will never be free from this. We live close to each other and have so many friends in common. He has continued (or I have allowed) him to use me as narcissistic supply. He blames for for everything still and punishes me harder than ever. the abuse has got worse. I am now working hard at having no contact but it is hard when he is so much in my space. I have known him since we were 17 and both grown up knowing the same circle of friends. I know for sure I am being triangulated. Sometimes I want to move abroad as I feel it would be the only way to be free but this isn’t practical for the kids and my work. I absolutely know that I have to go inwards to heal because I really do have no other option. I feel all the things you describe and all your words make total sense. I too thought I was going to die. Thank you Mel, you give me hope and strength. Much love Sash xxx

    • susanmwyer@gmail.com'
      sue
      August 9, 2017

      yes yes yes I’m having shifts this stuff works wow wow I’m excite for the first time in months hey sash just read your post ..dont hang around honestly flying monkeys triggers ..get out …

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 9, 2017

      Hi Sash,

      it’s my pleasure.

      Awww Sash I feel you pain, and you are so right when we feel the pain at such a level then it’s time – it’s time to heal. If we don’t the trauma is terrible.

      Sash, if you haven’t already I would love you to come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to experience for yourself the relief you will experience when you turn inwards and self-partner, and then start releasing trauma with Quanta Freedom Healing.

      That’s the fastest way through to get on the path of Quantum Healing.

      I wish you incredible breakthrough and healing Sash.

      Mel xo

    • tjburt5@gmail.com'
      TB
      September 8, 2017

      Sash,
      I read your email. It breaks my heart. I did a 35 year sentence and I am still stumbling.
      Last year I moved completely across the country. This did not help, just broke me another $20,000.00!!!!
      I returned to more BS and broken promises. I am picking myself up again!!!! only this time, God is holding me and is my strength.
      Prayers from my new church family are assisting me me with letting go and I am relying on the power of the Lord and my new attitude about myself. I am in the process of making my mess, my message. Please know we are the strongest of the strong!!!! Our strength will see us through to the other side. I will become a victor verses a victim from my life forward! You will too!!!!

      Good luck with your journey from hell……You Got this!!!!

      Tammi

  • J.barker2804@hotmIl.co.uk'
    Jayne
    August 9, 2017

    Melanie,
    Thank you so much for this episode, I’m living this right now. I left my ex and a judge puta court order of no contact, so he started a malicious smear campaign about me personally and professionally, which nearly cost me my job. He was charged with harassment and given a two year restraining order. Only Three weeks after his charge he’s gone full blown into a relationship with a woman he met whilst doing his community service (the justice in that?!). He’s posting her all over social media, declaring their love for each other when theyve only known each other for at the most three weeks, he announced his new relationship on the day I took my boys on our first holiday without him. I know this is all to hurt me, especially as the restraining order means I’m out the way for two years, he can say or do what he wants to her knowing Im powerless to react. Even though I know the criminal record will have been a big Narc injury and he’s gone full blown into this new relationship to try and prove to everyone it’s me that’s the crazy one because he’s so ‘loved up’ and spoiling her with gifts (really over the top love bobmbing) I know it’s an act and the new woman is in my prayers as she has no idea , she’s like a lamb to the slaughter. But I have spent the last week, since I found out, in a state of despair. Your video has made me realise how emotionally Involved i am and the feelings this is evoking and why. I hope to heal soon as I cannot take much more of his emotional abuse. I have subscribed to your NARP programme , but I think I may have to go back to module 1 with this. Thank you so much for making me realise I’m not the crazy, unloveable person I feel after being at the hands of his abuse for five years. Xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 9, 2017

      Hi Jayne,

      it’s my pleasure 🙂

      I am so pleased you are addressing the deep trauma of this (which is so understandable), and please know you will have to work Module 1 quite a few times, until the trauma dulls down significantly and then you can go through to Module 2.

      Its your time to heal and be and experience the love that you TRULY are.

      Wishing you many blessings Dear Lady 🙂

      Mel xo

  • burbury26@bigpond.com.au'
    Marian Jackman
    August 9, 2017

    Hi Mel, before healing even though I have no contact and has been for some time I would go into a panic attack about seeing the Narc. I would fear it, dread it and then would get so wound up and feel sick. Last week we had a family gathering where our children and the Narc had to be together.

    Guess what???? No more feelings of terror, anxiety and fear. How’s that………..???????
    But what really surprised me, for someone I had spent over half my life with and had loved with my heart and being,I now felt nothing. In fact to me he looked old and sour. I didn’t feel sorry for him, or anger, just that he was the children’s father.
    His new love in his life was there, and she looked the same. What a great match!!!.

    Thank you for everything you have done to help me get to this point. I now have a sense of freedom and peace.

    Much love, Marian.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 9, 2017

      Hi Marian,

      I love that the triggers are gone! Well done 🙂

      That is true graduation!

      You are so welcome Marian and I am so pleased I could help.

      Mel xo

      • burbury26@bigpond.com.au'
        Marian Jackman
        August 10, 2017

        Thanks Mel, now just concentrating on positive people in my life who love me for who I am.
        That is true freedom.

        Marian.

  • penny.white@outlook.com'
    Penny White
    August 9, 2017

    Hi Mel,

    This really opened up my eyes to realize that it is the trauma within us that is generating our experiences especially ones where as you clearly outlined in this video around being replaced, not feeling adequate and worthy of love. I can so clearly see that my lack of self acceptance and self worth was masked by so many defensive mechanisms my ego created to survive. I either shut my down to compliments or made myself valuable from outside achievements and accomplishments and my appearance to make up for where I felt inadequate. I can see these programs playing out and the fears and pain in connection to my narcissistic experience which are all previous traumas.

    Thank you,
    Penny

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 9, 2017

      Hi Penny,

      that is so awesome that you can connect the dots, heal and take your power back!

      Wishing you many blessings and incredible healing and please know you are very welcome 🙂

      Mel xo

  • milicama09@gmail.com'
    Sandra
    August 9, 2017

    Hi Mel,

    thank you so much for this video because it comes just at the right time. It’s full moon here and it brought the pain of two times being replaced up to the surface.

    Both times Narc cut all contact with me, found a replacement, smeared me to others as being needy looser who cries after him and is not letting him live his new love, and accused me of hating his lover (he did it with joy because it gave him an importance). All I wanted is to live my life freely, and it was really painful to be treated without regard and portrayed as something you’re not.

    Can you please tell us what is the core belief inside this mess of painful feelings? How much time is it going to take to clear it all?
    What will happen when we clear it? Is the smear campaign going to fall?

    Much love <3 <3 <3

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 9, 2017

      Hi Sandra,

      you are so welcome 🙂

      What you have described is very painful.

      The truth is unless I was inside you working on you with QFH I wouldn’t know exactly what those beliefs are.

      If you are working NARP when you target them in your body they will come forth for you as dense painful energy in your body to load up, release and free yourself from.

      They will be all about EXACTLY what the painful feelings are – deep childhood wounds, and possible ones from beyond epigenetic, past life and the like …

      They are things like “the people who love me abandon and betray me horribly”.

      I can’t tell you how long it will take to clear – sometimes clearings can be instant – sometimes we may need to repeat QFH shifts many times on deep and complicated wounds to really clean them up and out.

      This I will tell you about smear campaigns – they collapse when we have NO care about whether they continue or not. That is when we know we have cleared a ton of trauma on it, reprogrammed and are a solid source to ourselves.

      Then the “outer reality” simply can’t continue.

      I hope this has helped Sandra.

      Mel xo

  • susanmwyer@gmail.com'
    sue
    August 9, 2017

    yes yes yes I’m having shifts this stuff works wow wow I’m excite for the first time in months

  • Katrin979@web.de'
    Katrin
    August 9, 2017

    OMG I wish my ex husband would finally find someone else to draw his energy from so he would finally leave me and my son alone! It’s so funny, I’m doing no contact, keep shifting all the time, I even not show myself to him when he comes here to pick up our son but he still keeps coming back hoping to see me one more time, get drama one more time. I so wish he would just vanish out of our lives so we can find peace finally.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 9, 2017

      Hi Katrin,

      keep shifting and clearing and find anything within you which is still “reacting”. When you get to the point where him trying (and everything else about him) gives you no change whatsoever that is when it will cease 🙂

      I hope the helps.

      Mel xo

  • svnaimool@hotmail.com'
    Sherice
    August 9, 2017

    Hi Melanie,
    That was very enlightening. I would like to kindly suggest something, I know it will really help me. Can you if possible suggest the particular module or modules that deal with the particular topic you are speaking about. This could be for the current Narpers and it can be done at the end of the episode, so thay we can quickly navigate to it.
    Also, it can show prospective narpers how absolutely complete and incredible your program is.

    Thank you,

    Sherice.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 9, 2017

      Hi Sherice,

      I am so pleased this helped.

      In many ways I do love your suggestion – and it is something we have considered … yet …

      the NARP Forum is where the real coaching for NARP goes on … http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member as there are many members of the Community who are not yet NARPers.

      And also the episode with a NARP healing would be way too long for public viewing.

      Please keep suggestions coming – they are always greatly appreciated 🙂

      Mel xo

  • gudrun@shootoutcrew.co.za'
    Gudrun
    August 9, 2017

    Mel, your work is so valuable – thank you for all you do!

    I have blocked the narc on my email, my messaging, my phone and on social media. Two weekends ago I went to walk my dogs where I generally do – it is a spot that he introduced me to and was “our” walk – and lo and behold, there was he was, parked, with his new supply! He lives 20kms away and does not have dogs …. His sole purpose for walking there was to orchestrate that we “bump into” each other whilst he was with his new supply. I drove away and walked elsewhere. That is not to say that I wasn’t in complete shock! But I chose to not be involved in his game.

    Mel, do you know of the writings of Lise Bourbeau? My healing began when I started recognising my wound/s and the accompanying mask/s. Whenever I am triggered (and also in between!), I identify where the pain (or dis-ease) sits in my body and I work through the emotions of the metaphysical manifestation. Between the two of you and your wonderful work, I am slowly healing and becoming my own source of happiness, wellbeing and support. I am extremely grateful.

  • sonya.weiss@btinternet.com'
    Sonya Weiss
    August 9, 2017

    Hi Mel I really appreciate your videos it has put a lot into context for me and has been tremendously helpful to my awareness and healing process. This is happening to me right now. Not a partnership relationship, but an (ex)”friend” who lives in my neighbourhood- it was me who broke off the friendship because I finally realised what an emotional and time consuming drain she was, with no interest in me as a person at all except for what she could get from me – in short, a narcissist. She has quickly made another friend, who lives right across the road to me. I think it may be an element of flaunting involved but i thinkquite a lot of it is still a way for her to “keep tabs” on me. Also, he is quite vulnerable and I feel that imuch of the reason she is involved with him. i have warned him but of course he does not listen and told a neighbour I must be jealous. The neighbour noticed her walking past my house a couple of days ago talking loudly and extravagantly into her pohone and peering at my windows, before crossing the street to go to his house. No need for her to be on my side of the street at all. The neighbour (who has known her for years) has said that he feels the real reason for the new “friendship” is so she can still be able to be near to me and watch what i am doing. I am not jealous just relieved to have cut her loose, at last. But having her in my street so close to me, is nightmareish and I am a little alarmed at the stalkerish element. Have ylou made any videos about Ns who have not let go and who stalk?
    She is the second narcissist (that I am aware of) in my life, the first being my mother, who I have minimum contact with. I feel really that dealing with my mother in some way softened me up to fall into the trap of another narcissist, who although I qiuickly thought, “narcissist tendencies” seemed much more harmless than my mother and more needy attracting the empath in me. (the empath and N video was really useful in recognising that)

  • denisemackie@toast.net'
    Denise
    August 10, 2017

    what about a narc that hides the new supply from everyone ?
    what’s up with that ?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 10, 2017

      Hi Denise,

      what it means is that there is some pay off in keeping it quiet. The narcissist believes some source of other supply or agenda may be lost by exposing it. Or this is the wound of the new supply – not being loved enough to be shown in public – and the narcissist is tormenting that person with that wound.

      And as always the reasons why” they do something is not the healing path – the healing path is finding and healing why we are triggered. That place is the only power and control we have.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • lblitz32@gmail.com'
    Laura
    August 10, 2017

    thank you for this. i felt as if you were speaking directly to me and the situation i’m dealing with currently.
    looking forward to more videos so that i can start to heal.

  • ostermanceppos@gmail.com'
    Sandy
    August 10, 2017

    Melanie,

    I discovered your program on the day my estranged husband told me that 3 different women were asking him to date and that he wanted to accept. This happened 6 months after separating out of a 20 year relationship. I know him well and anticipated that he would need to move on quickly, but I was devastated all the same and felt like I would die. The depth of my pain was staggering. I knew that my feelings were illogical and that I didn’t want him any more but that feeling of being easily replaceable and abandoned was overwhelming. I Googled “How to recover after narcissistic abuse” and found your program. Finding you has been the most fortunate gift to come out of all this pain. I have been so comforted by your videos, writings and program. Your voice and the rich information you share with all of us on this journey, has been holding me up, helping me grow and giving me hope that there will be life after all the insanity and abuse I have lived through. I’m happily owning my defects and deficits that lead me here and have a deep desire to grow out of this. Thanks from the bottom of my heart and the depth of my soul for giving yourself to the mission of helping people like me and validating the experiences of those who have suffered the confusing and distorted realities that spring from living with a narcissist. With much love and gratitude, thank you!

  • annabel@annabelruffellart.com'
    Annabel
    August 10, 2017

    Hi Melanie,
    I found your site in October 2016 after a relationship with my sons Kindergarten teacher (devastating). Anyway after things ended (badly) he was still my sons teacher for another year (pretty awful). I have done so much healing and thought I was really over it all mainly but with the start of school again next week I am feeling fearful and nervous and some of the feelings from last year are flooding back…especially with the discovery of my sons new teacher for 1st Grade who is young and pretty and a sailor (he lived on his sailing boat/was a sailor)…and I am imagining all the possible outcomes of this…I am angry because I thought I was over all this and would never want to be with him again anyway. But it makes me feel sick….have I just not done enough healing yet? Thanks.

  • cavroberts@yahoo.com'
    Cindy Vandall
    August 10, 2017

    Mel, I have been watching and reading your information about narcissism for years. I was told after one visit to a counselor, btw we were her first couple, that she thought my then husband was a narcissist. I really struggle with knowing if he really is or if he is just clueless. And I struggle with the fact that i msdw a vow to God when i married this man. For example, we spent this weekend together, and he was very emotional about telling me how he wanted to get married again and wasn’t going to let us go again, he was going to make us a priority, wanted to see me everyday, wsnted God in his life everyday, etc. Then come Sunday evening, he says what do you want me to do out of the blue? Tells me he is beat and he’ll call me later. I’m pissed, hurt and confused. I had been asking him all weekend how this was going to work and got nothing! So I end up telling him to just go. So another wrench in the mix is that his 29 year old handicapped daughter and her child left the man she was with and is suppose to be staying with him. He is pissed when she isn’t there and that she runs the roads and that he is having to invest thousands of dollars in her car to get it on the road. And she has no plans of bettering her life. She’s on SSD and he has rescued her repeatedly. …always fixes cars, buys cars, diapers, clothes, talks about buying her a house, whatever. So she shows up Sunday night. Then Monday evening he asks me to come down there, but then says he has to watch her child while she goes out, mow his grass, and he has to take her car to the shop. I tell him to call me after he gets the grass cut and I’ll let him know. He forgets to call me…. of course I feel like I am not a priority in his life. Then the next day i don’t hear from him until late afternoon….says he wants to see me. I’m hurt that he has been taking care of everything and everyone else, including his leisure time, before he bothers to contact me. From then on he is yelling at me that he doesn’t have time to talk to me, gotta go to store to get his daughter something, gotta take care of her car, gotta watch his grandson, just on and on. Then he told me everything he told me over the weekend wasn’t going to work….again. this has been happening for ten years On and off. Finally told me he didn’t want to talk to me again. He told me his daughter was crying because she overheard him talking about her to me on the phone and was getting ready to leave. I drove to his house and talked to her because I did not want her to think she was the reason for our argument. She didn’t have a clue what I was talking about and he was in the house feeding the baby. Then today when he calls like nothing happened And I tell him I want what he said last night – to not talk to him anymore. He starts telling me I do this all the time- leaving him! Tells me I’m making too much out of things, etc. Then starts yelling at me for keeping him in the phone. “I don’t want this phone on my ear. I’m going to get brain cancer. All you want is to keep me on the phone all the time!” I feel sick and like I am losing my mind. I bought your program and have been trying everything I can find to get my life back. I can’t even date anyone else. I’ve tried. I hace to take anti anxiety meds just to stay alive! Sometimes I think omg he is a narcissist! And then sometimes I think he isn’t. Then sometimes I think wht does that even matter!! Am I wrong for the way I am feeling and how I see this?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 10, 2017

      Hi Cindy,

      I just really want to say to you that this is such trap that we fall into – trying to work out “who” they are and being stuck in a belief of “marriage is for life”.

      Cindy for all of us to have a happy, healthy life we need to define what is our truth and rights and live by them – and a) realise certain people in our life even spouses may not be on the same page and b) If they are not trying to force them to be is not right for them anyone – you or them.

      Also please know that when we feel that we are not a priority in someone’s life – and this is what is painfully getting reflected back to us – we are holding them as responsible for us feeling whole, happy and healthy … and if we are honest that responsibility is ours … we can only to provide that for ourselves and then set limits and boundaries with people who aren’t the truth of who we are and if they don’t step up then leave and connect with people who are representative of our values.

      Are you working with NARP? Because it is the Modules that these sick and painful feelings can go to, so that you can release them and heal them within … rather than focusing on holding him responsible for them.

      Then you will either have that conversation with him in a way that he gets it, because he knows you do value yourself, or organically because you are not feeling this wound anymore (it is a childhood repeat pattern that NARP will heal) he organically just starts granting you more of what your Inner Identity reflects – the fullness and recovery on this subject.

      In other words he starts giving more to you because you have already become more and actually don’t need him to anymore.

      When our need goes then we are in our power to either say “I am full” and more fullness comes, or “I am full and I don’t need anymore to be a low priority”. Without the healing we are needy, cling and don’t heal.

      Does that make sense?

      Please know this is always about ourselves – the opportunity to heal something we have’t healed yet. That is the only job on the table here and then the rest will unfold.

      Mel xo

  • myelowrose@gmail.com'
    LaVonda
    August 10, 2017

    I’ve been watching every video you make. I feel strongly that you have saved my life however the N is trying to get back in & of course this is a struggle with in my heart & dreams. My question is how can I do all of your workshops in order or is there more than your videos? I want to heal completely. A year without him present, I thought I had it beat but the tears are back & I will not except it. I am deserving of someone genuine. What’s my first step?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 10, 2017

      Hi LaVonda,

      It is such a struggle when we want to believe them! Stay strong Dear Lady 🙂

      You may have heard people in the Community talk about NARP and the results they have received from it?

      That is the core Healing Program ww.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      Mel xo

  • Kimjerram@bigpond.com'
    Kim
    August 10, 2017

    Thankyou for this, love your work Mel xx
    Just want to share something here. I have found great a great thing again, from walking away.
    Music.
    I don’t know about anyone else here, but I feel music, it’s my life and sole.
    Some songs are happy times with people some are not, but music or certain songs not necessarily from the same singer or genre, I remember people, times or instances that make up my life, for me.
    What I have noticed with a lot the narcisstic Type people that I’ve known in my life, is that music is what they listen too, with very little reaction too, meaning music does not move them, and its usually only certain types or genres or singers of music, full stop! That is them, and they will say that!
    And they do not explore anything else! They get bored really quickly if you try to enlighten them to something else.
    Any thoughts on that from others?
    I want to share something again, one of my favourite songs of recent times has been I’ve got a feeling.
    I’m 55, this is a recent song but I love it, it moves me.
    Guess which song has played while writing this,out of my 301 playlist, on whatever random song? yep you guessed right.
    Thoughts?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 11, 2017

      Hi Kim,

      thank you and I am so pleased it helps!

      I think anything that makes our soul sing is our soul truth Kim. I know of many Thrivers who have pursued music in a big way.

      I think music is a personal thing – N number 2 was hugely into music.

      How wonderful you are igniting your Life-force and love within you.

      Synchronicity is powerful Kim, I believe it lets us know we are on the right track.

      Bless 🙂

      Mel xo

  • Mluizagz@hotmail.com'
    Malu
    August 10, 2017

    Hi! Im from Brazil, im sorry my bad english
    My ex discarded me but we kept talking about getting back for 3 months, but he aleatório balames me the relationship was bad and done. He “held” me in this 3 months. We met once he said he missed me, was lovely, After, i was thinking we’ll back together and 1 week ago he appeared with a repleace, a new woman, very rich, domingo everything he never did with me and with so many pics. Im so shure the woman the new one not even know i exist, he never mentioned that he had a relationship with me.
    It stills a nightmare to me. Im trying to heal, but its like i cant have control to me.
    I watch your videos always, but the english confundes me 🙁
    Anyway, thank you so much, i feel like im in the beggining of heal

    • Mluizagz@hotmail.com'
      Malu
      August 10, 2017

      Always blame*
      Doing everything he never*

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 11, 2017

      Hi Malu,

      Please know you are doing a great job with your English.

      I wish I could offer my information in your language, one day hopefully I can. I hope that even with the language barrier you can find your healing and freedom.

      Wishing you many blessings Malu.

      Mel xo

  • warrenbrubacher@email.com'
    Ocean Breeze
    August 11, 2017

    Melanie, Thank you again and again and again for all that you do. I have been filling up sheets for Module one ever since becoming a Gold NARP member.
    There have been immediate results that have astounded me and taken me to places that leave me astounded!!! One thing that happens is that I become exhausted from the emptying process that seems to be taking place….then a new burst of energy and a much clearer mind miraculously happens!!!

    Maybe it is time to start becoming involved with the NARP forums and sign in too take part.
    Growing up with a NARC father…who used my Mom as a source of supply…..well you already know the outcome of that one……so time to move on.

    I will follow your previous advice and stick with Module One for some time……..Oh..and if I was living in Darwin…..you would have been adopted and takin’ in a long, long time ago!!! Whoever mistreated and lost you is the most foolish, heartless, dumb man on this planet.

    Since you have opened the door and let the light in………I now feel sorry for the person that is now with my ex…….but only for about 10 seconds at the most!!!!! That’s all we can really do

    lots a luv back to YOU!!!!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 11, 2017

      Hi Ocean Breeze,

      you are so welcome, and I am so happy for you that you are getting such great results with NARP.

      It is so true we empty out the rubbish and then we start filling with the good stuff – organic wellbeing and Life-force.

      Hahah gorgeous – thank you for your adoption offer! You are so sweet!

      So much love to you sweetheart.

      Mel xo

  • rosie_anderson@outlook.com'
    Rosie
    August 11, 2017

    Hi Mel I’ve been a bit slack at following your program but what I have listened to has been spot on. I’m currently having issues with my partner of 35 years. It’s not the first time, once back in 1993 we separated for 2 1/2 years. He was having an affair (not the first one I found out) with a lady from his FIFO work. Apparently it had been going on for sometime and then her mother passed away unexpectedly and it all came out into the open and he left me and our daughter for her. For 3 months our relationship was over and then I became the mistress we had so much fun during that time and did more than we had ever done before. He left his FIFO work and said he wanted to be in a job where he comes home every night and that’s exactly what he’s done. One night way back then he stayed over and never left again, and his belongings found their way back into our home. I was overjoyed at the thought that he must have realised how much he loved me/us. It wasn’t a smooth ride though, he could be such a wonderful person and I adored him at those times but then he would turn unexpectedly and over the most ridiculous things. He was quite scary at times and physically pushy but never outright bashing. Cut a long story short, he seemed to have improved in some ways. Funnily enough I control the finances (his doing) and while he used to always be on my back about where the money had gone he doesn’t do that anymore and even seemed to enjoy it when I bought stuff even if it was unneccesary (rarely for myself though). After smashing down a door during an argument over my standing up to him over something and voicing my own opinion, him also pushing me around and leaving substantial bruising on my body he stopped the physical aggressiveness too, but still has his unexpected turns over ridiculous stuff and is very cruel in his comments. Now he’s take to disappearing acts, one being for 3 months over a tv aerial cable. The next time (just a couple of months later) he kicked me out. I just came back after 5 weeks because I had no where to stay and no money and was feeling so sad and depressed so I just moved into the spare room. He quietly let me do so. A few months later (5 weeks ago) he left again. This pattern has been occuring over the last few years but the time frame is so much shorter now. Through all of it though I still control the finances. By all accounts our issues are totally my fault and his Dr Jekyle and Mr Hyde persona is just who he is and I need to accept him for who he is. I dealt with childhood abuse in 1993 and healed from that and I should know better this time, but still I’m just so confused. Financially I am frightened of a future on my own and emotionally I swing from being strong to missing him very much. This is not how I wanted my life to be at 62. Sometimes I just don’t want to give up hope and that’s really the hardest part. His good side is so loving, funny and supportive 🙁

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 11, 2017

      Hi Rosie,

      it is so hard when we feel dependent and love their good side but endure their abusive side.

      NARP and really doing it diligently offers us so much more. The generating – at any age – of knowing we deserve better, and then getting to live it – every facet of our life.

      I wish that path for all of us.

      Mel xo

  • amy050269@icloud.com'
    Amy
    August 11, 2017

    Mel,

    I loved this episode. I had this happen to me just last week. I can honestly say that I was not triggered, jealous or have any such emotions. The N and I are no longer a match and I sooooo deserve so much better. I don’t think that I would have have felt this way unless I worked the NARP program. I made a promise to myself that this would never happen to me again and my healing journey has been amazing.

    Thank you, thank you, thank you, with all of my heart.

    Love
    Amy

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 11, 2017

      Hi Amy,

      I am so glad that you did.

      How wonderful that you released the trauma that had you connected in, and now you are free 🙂

      Bless you and you are so welcome Amy.

      Mel xo

  • newimprovedlaura@gmail.com'
    Laura
    August 11, 2017

    Dear Mel and community,
    After my marriage to a man who now even calls himself a narcissist (but continues the same behavior in his new marriage), I worked NARP half-heartedly for a few months, then dated casually for 3 years before finding a new man who I fell very hard for. I suppose I thought I’d healed my inner wounds “enough”, and this man was charming, devoted, magnetic to me – and of course anyone can predict that one year in the gas-lighting started, and the punishing disappearances whenever I was going through tough times, and the intermittent withholding of affection, hoovering to regain my trust, disapproval and… well we know the rest. Now he’s left me and, even though I understand that I was hooked again and this is a wake-up call to work NARP more fully, I feel even more like I’m dying than after my marriage ended. I feel so lost and hopeless.

    Impulsively and to attempt an escape from my pain, I returned immediately (2 days after the breakup) to an online dating site and started chatting with a man who seems great- shares my views, animal rights activist, feminist, smart, etc.

    Having watched this episode, I realize I need to break that communication off, turn off my dating profile, and get to work.

    But here’s the thing- what if this man is as well suited to me as he seems? Do I let him know I have healing to do but give him my number to contact me in a few months? Or do I assume I’m attracting another narsissist since my wounds are yet unhealed, and therefore must simply delete and wait for the universe to provide when I’m in a healed state?

    This is all swirling as I still long for some breadcrumb of contact from N#2, and while I’m still reeling from pain. I just want the pain to stop, and I want some hope, and if this online stranger is actually a good guy I don’t want to lose the opportunity to know him in the future.

    Please help me. I don’t feel capable of making the right choices now. And I’m terrified I’ll never be able to distinguish the narcs from the men. I’m not sleeping or eating, and I’ve taken up chain smoking again, even though I don’t want to get more sick than I am so I really do KNOW BETTER!

    It’s so frightening to know I’ve gotten to this same place again, when I thought I’d become so much wiser.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 11, 2017

      Hi Laura,

      Gosh so many of us have had the experience of thinking that we are done … and realising we aren’t – there is more to heal.

      This is the deal always – the more traumatised we feel – the more we do need to do the work.

      I would really just say to this guy I am needing some time for me, and I’m getting to know people slowly as friends first. Be honest about where you are at – without having to go into too much detail.

      And then it is really about having boundaries with yourself, be honest to yourself – if you are using him as a substitute for the N then you are in Wrong Town … and it will only be not just destructive to you but also potentially to him.

      Many have fallen into the trap of jumping ship from N’s,and it never turns out well. Not when all people can do is think about the N …(as you have honestly expressed).

      Really and truly it is your time .. to heal – that has to be the highest priority. Please know your soul mate will be waiting – no matter who he is.

      There are no missed opportunities when we become real love – and if we miss “that” soul mate another one will present.

      What is important is you right now.

      I hope this help.

      Mel xo

      • newimprovedlaura@gmail.com'
        Laura
        August 12, 2017

        Thank you for your reply.

        I let this seemingly nice man know I needed time to heal. He tried to convince me to change my mind and my alarm bells went off about having my boundaries respected, so I reiterated my need. He’s now agreed not to contact me for several weeks, and I’ve been diving into NARP module 1 since. I’m realizing I never got past module 1 the first time around! And this time is proving challenging. I just keep running into so much resistance within myself. My mind wanders, I fall asleep, or I’m just unable to identify anything other than feeling alone. I continually see my little self playing alone- and that’s it.

        I grew up with depressive parents who often resorted to violence and criticism. I wonder why that isn’t coming up in my NARP work? Instead it’s just all about solitude.

        I will keep working NARP and see where it leads me. I realize I’m being impatient for the process to make me feel better NOW. It’s just such a painful time.

        Your work has been so beneficial to me on a cognitive level- seeing your blogs and videos over the past years made it a no-brainer that it was time to get to work on the quantum level when N#2 left. For that I’m so grateful, even though I’m frustrated with myself for taking this long to decide to dive in, and for all the internal resistance I’m running into now. Thank you for providing these tools!

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          August 14, 2017

          Hi Laura,

          you are very welcome 🙂

          You have taken a wonderful stand for yourself by putting this boundary up – and his further moves will be very interesting!

          I love that this time is about you – it is so necessary.

          Please know Laura NARP is about surrendering in and trusting the process – not directing it – you body knows in what order it needs to unravel – like a ball of knotted wool. There is a certain order of healing that is necessary as the direct path to heal – and our body will go to and release what is “next” in line. So it is about being patient and following the Module work as the traumas reveal themselves.

          Absolutely when it is time the young traumas will present to be released. As it is now with what you have found, every level of your being is loading up now and releasing the “alone” stuff, including the childhood traumas on it. Trust that.

          In regard to the feeling asleep – are you working with the tips MP3 on how two combat that?

          Also please know targeting blocks the resistance is very powerful. You can do that by saying to yourself “there are blocks in my body causing resistance to shifting – where are they?” Then listen to your body somewhere will lift up – got to that and shift it our with Module 1.

          I hope this helps and keep up the great work Laura.

          Mel xo

  • yoshilange41@gmail.com'
    Michael
    August 12, 2017

    Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You really hit the nail on the head with this episode. My wife( a narcissist) has been flaunting her new supply ( her brother, also a narcissist) right in front of my face for at least 5-10 years. And yes it is horrifying to think about and to think about what i must of done wrong to deserve this. But just as you said, the cracks are staring to appear, people are starting to ask questions- not just a few people either–dozens of people.. You know though, what the hardest thing for me to do was is to heal.I heard a voice, in the last month or so, say to me, “You have got to let go of the hurt, You have got to let go of the anguish”. It was very hard for me to let go of all of the feelings, emotions, heartache, sadness, and so forth. But i did it. I let go. I feel a lot better. I feel as if a giant weight has been taken off of me. Sure , I will still speak of the abuse from time to time, but it’s not the same anymore. I simply don’t think about the narcissistic abuse the same anymore.I let that negativity go.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 12, 2017

      Hi Michael,

      you are so welcome 🙂

      That is wonderful you let go – there is no other path to freedom!

      Mel xo

  • lina126y@hotmail.com'
    Strongwind
    August 12, 2017

    Hi Mel, thank you for all the work you do and how you have helped so many women heal from this treacherous abuse. I have NARP and I start and stop with it. I can’t seem to commit for so many reasons but time is running out for me. It’s been nearly 5 yrs since the discard and replace by the very loving kind altruistic narcissist. I’m still shocked at his behavior. So cruel and not like the person I had loved and trusted for 16 years. I resent ending up alone while he is out with new supply and has replaced me like garbage. I find it hard to believe that with all I lost, I will actually heal and not care how this N destroyed my life but you sound so sure that I will gealbif I do the inner work, that I need to prove if to myself too. ❤️

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 12, 2017

      Hi Strongwind,

      I truly do believe Dear Lady when there is nothing else to do but heal – because we have had enough of the pain, and know that the ongoing trauma is no way to live our life, it is then our Inner Being becomes our greatest mission.

      That’s when we break through – powerfully.

      You’ve got this Stongwind – and please know you may need to target with Module work the actual blocks that are holding you back from doing the healing work – then it will flow so much more smoothly for you.

      Mel xo

  • elviegarcia48@yahoo.co.uk'
    Silver
    August 15, 2017

    Hi Mel. It has been just over a year since my husband of 25 years has left us. Currently living a couple of streets from us with his concubine and her 2 daughters same age as our kids. We live in a very small island where almost everbody in the community knows everybody. This is one of the reasons why I am having a difficult recovery. I am not sure if he is narc as he has not displayed all of the behaviours on your list. These are the ones that are striking:
    -we never had a healthy argument. He always ends up in a rage and bringing up my fault from nearly 20 years ago
    -he displays jealous manners like passing comments if I go or spend time with my sisters.
    -passing comments when I meet up with male colleagues
    – seldom shows compassion and always gives me the silent angry treatment when something does not go his way. This includes our children. On one occasion he had the gut to throw our son’s things out of the window and shut him out for just over a petty thing.
    -on occasions he has physically hurt me and my daughter. He has not done this to our sons
    -he is verbally abusive and always blames me for everything
    -he never supported me in any of my undertakings.

    There are a lot more hurtful things but i guess i have said enough here for you to tell what kind if disorder he has if it is called a disorder. Or was he simply doing these because as he claims he never loved me?
    He finally left saying he is no longer happy, no other explanations but a week later i found out he is living with another woman.
    . I applied no contact rule after this as i hurt more and more everytime i see him. He was still coming back to the house to collect letters then. At the time I thought he was just having a break and will soon come back to his senses. When I learned that he is living in this woman’s house(still not admitted this even uf there are photos and intimate occasions where they were being seen together) i asked him not to come to our house anymore and if he has to, that he has to make sure that I am not here. i also learned that there were other women whom he had had relationships with under my nose.
    I was broken, devastated, lost 12 kgs. I struggled but I still fought and lived on. My children stood by me and pushed me to fight and move upwards and forwards.,
    Ihad trusted him and i had confidence in myself that he will never leave. It took me a while to realise that he was a nightmare in my life.
    I held on to Divine Intervention and sought friends and used all help that i can get access to. I am not sure how far I need to go yet to fully recover. One thing is certain, i am not where I was this time last year. I am still puzzling about whether he ever loved me or did he just use me as he also claimed for him to be able to move up in life? I know you can help me understand what I am going throuh. It will mean a lot to me if you can confirm that it was indeed a nightmare, that he was just a user, and that I woke up and even if it has happened that it will not come back again to haunt me and my lovely children who are also in the process of healing? ….

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 15, 2017

      Hi Silver,

      please know what you have listed is absolutely abusive and not okay. His “diagnosis” is not important – what is, is you knowing what you deserve and your healing to reach that level of self-worth.

      My heart goes out to you – it is so painful what has happened to you and the constant reminders, and that is so good that you are better than what you were a year ago.

      Silver, the only way I can help you is to help you heal, and realise that truly when we love ourselves we deeply know that under NO circumstances do we deserve to be treated poorly, and under NO circumstances do we incite someone to behave in these ways.

      He had that character defect anyway – or it simply would not be possible.

      Please come into my free webinar Silver, enough is enough of the pain torment, doubt and feeling like you are … because I promise you so much will be understood, you will experience relief and a renewed courage, and it will help you find your way up and out of the pain for you and your children: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Please take my hand and accept this opportunity – it’s time.

      Mel xo

  • elviegarcia48@yahoo.co.uk'
    Silver
    August 16, 2017

    Oh my goodness, Mel! You are real!! Thank you for your kind reply. I also follow your emails and cannot thank you enough. I apologise that I am not so organised in laying this out to you.
    You are definitely God’s instrument.

    I will come back and read more of this blog and will also join your webinar!

    From the bottom of my heart, thank you xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 17, 2017

      Hi Silver,

      thank you that is one of the most lovely compliments anyone could say to me!

      Bless you sweetheart, you are so welcome and that is awesome that you are going to join in on the Webinar!

      Mel xo

  • sprezzatura321@gmail.com'
    Jill
    September 9, 2017

    Hi Melanie,

    Thanks so much for your videos. I just today signed up for the webinar, but my question is: Is NARP, Quantum Freedom Healing and the Webinar one in the same program? Because if not, I want to do all 3 – I’m just not sure what they are or how to get to them. I’m officially ready. I’m out of my narc relationship 2 years, and I’m just getting worse. In fact, I’m more tortured now, than I was a year ago. And we don’t even speak. This is all about trauma inside of me. I finally get it now. Thanks to you.

  • uffda@usfamily.net'
    Lori Larson
    September 20, 2017

    I’m in so much pain right now. Just 2 weeks ago my 8.5 year relationship with my narc ended as I was replaced by a new love partner. I have been in counseling for 2 years to gain the strength and courage to get rid of him so it would seem logical that I would be happy letting him go. But I was absolutely devasted when he made the choice to end us and already had a replacement. The rejection from someone who had spent years breaking down whatever self esteem I had has left me barely able to get through the day. He’s still living with me as he makes arrangements to move out and they call each other and talk any time of day or night, and I remember the beginning of our relationship when we did that. Talk about throwing it in my face!! How can he be so mean to me who he claimed he loved?? Making matters worse he doesn’t have his own car so he uses my vehicle to go to work and back. And of course to go see her before and after!! God please take this pain away.

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