This is a great question that I have wanted to address in a blog article for a while. It’s a question which is asked a lot. It’s also a question that’s very important to understand the answer to.
Most people think that narcissists are relentless, and they won’t let up, and that there is no way to get rid of people who keep harassing, hoovering, wanting to rip your life to shreds and trying to suck you back in time and time again.
And it can seem unreal that even after years, and even after moving on with new people, that narcissists will continue to make random contact with you.
Shamelessly, out of the blue …
As if nothing happened!
As a result of reading this article I hope you understand that whether or not the narcissist leaves you alone actually has nothing to do with the narcissist – and it has everything to do with you.
And that is a good thing – because it puts the power back where it needs to be.
The Energetic/Soul Nature of Narcissistic Abuse
Narcissistic abuse and connections with narcissists are not logical. They are an energetic, psychic vandalisation.
The connection with a narcissist is a powerful experience – a huge life event that is either going to end up as a breakdown or a breakdown / breakthrough.
Narcissistic abuse is a soul lesson – a soul contract.
Soul contracts happen for our evolution, they occur in our life to bring forth the understanding and awakening we need, in order to evolve beyond who we were previously being.
When we experience soul lessons they can be relentless; they don’t tend to let up until we have got the message. Sadly, in our world views we have been trained to be highly unconscious – which means not recognising that soul contracts and reasons for adversity exist.
We have not realised that dis-ease (as an example) is really all about our bodies stating to us, “You have had the emotional warnings, and now this is the only way I am going to be able to (hopefully) get your attention.”
The truth is conclusive and overwhelming that people who learn through illness what they need to learn, who up-level the emotional state that created the warning, often make full recoveries. I know personally of many people (some of these close friends) who state that serious illnesses, including life-threatening cancer, was the best thing that happened to them because it woke them up. They dramatically changed their life in order to survive.
They make major life-adjustments; things like forgiving people, leaving toxic relationships, and no longer treating their bodies abysmally with stress and poor nutrition etc.
In other words they cleaned up their consciousness, their health and their previous emotional state dramatically.
For many people (myself included) personal catharsis occurs when life can no longer go on as normal.
I truly believe that narcissistic abuse is identical in intensity to life threatening illnesses, and we either awaken or we don’t.
I know 100% in my own life, as well as so many others, that our previous way of operating “in love” was a co-dependent model. We were seeking love, approval and security from outside of ourselves.
Additionally, we were incredible hard on ourselves – critical, demanding and conditional. We did not love and accept ourselves warts and all, and we were always trying to be “better” and “more” in order to believe we were lovable.
Co-dependents are strong people – we are usually capable and resourceful. We are battlers. We usually get back up again and keep doing what we were always doing – try harder. Yet, when narcissistic abuse came into our life it smashed our ability to stay “as we are”.
We were set fair and square on our behind with tortured emotions and a disintegrated life knowing something had to change.
We thought we could change outer situations and what they were or were not doing.
If we start awakening, we realise that we can’t change the narcissist (or anyone else for that matter), and the only person we ever have the power to change is ourselves. And this is when we can start evolving.
I promise you this – the people who take on their self-evolution start getting left alone by narcissists – EVERY time 100%.
And I mean this – and I am even talking about shared custody, property settlements etc … truly …
The people who don’t aren’t.
Because they haven’t got the lesson yet, and your soul wouldn’t have it any other way. The soul contract (to help you evolve) is not fulfilled, and you haven’t got the message yet if a narcissist isn’t leaving you alone.
You see, your soul is only interested in you being free of the parts of yourself which aren’t allowing you to be your highest and best self. And, necessarily, in an unconscious world which doesn’t have this essential training as a part of its curriculum, the messages need to come in ways that do get our attention.
Such is the connection to a narcissist.
The Other Side of the Fence
Let’s look at why narcissists are relentless if you have not up-levelled and healed beyond the reasons why you are hooked into a narcissist in the first place.
A narcissist’s emotional driver is narcissistic supply – meaning the attention from life to allow him or her to know their own significance. As is the basis of all addictions, the attention and energy from others (good or bad) is used as a self-medication to escape “being with self”.
Because the gnawing inner screaming wounds of a broken child long ago discarded and divorced with no intention of ever reviving him or her back to health – feels unbearable.
The narcissist opted for a False Self to take over – a fictitious character who is never appeased, never at peace and is an insatiable bottomless pit needing energy constantly – repeat top ups because any energy never holds and never durably satisfies.
Like all addicts the narcissist is not fussy; quantity and instant gratification is the name of the game without emotional maturity or discernment. Any hit of narcissistic supply is better than none. So what that means, like any drug addict is, whoever will hand out narcissistic supply (attention) is a prime target.
What constitutes wonderful narcissistic supply is: people who provide high emotional content. Good or bad it makes NO difference.
Please, please understand this – if you are shattered, devastated and distraught this is A-Grade narcissistic supply.
So many people want to believe that the narcissist is purposefully malicious. No – I don’t subscribe to that. What I DO subscribe to is this … the narcissist is such a powerless, broken self-loathing child in an adult body that ANY high emotional content brings the temporary relief of, “I must be important to affect another person this much.”
It also offers an offload of the painful trauma energy that the narcissist felt when he or she was engulfed, abused or discarded as a child and suffered the emotional annihilation to divorce the True Self and create a False Self in its place.
This original trauma has all been projected and twisted by the narcissist’s disordered neuron brain pathways to mean, “you have hurt me so much” (yes the narcissist believes totally that you are a replay of the original abuser) that “you deserve to hurt now too.”
In such a manner the narcissist feels the temporary relief of vindication – which like all temporary relief doesn’t hold – it is only a quick fix in the moment.
I have said before that narcissists are like crocodiles that pile lumps of meat under rocks for a future chew when supplies get low. That’s exactly what narcissists do – they keep contact with various drug dealers – meaning whoever will dispense narcissistic supply. They keep multiple supplies on the go so that narcissistic supply can be achieved at a moment’s notice, to self-medicate horrific emotional pain, in times of need.
Now this is the “weird” thing, and I promise you this is true … you don’t even have to make actual physical contact to be kept on the “hit-list”. Even if you are still emotionally hooked in the narcissist will often persist. Because they feel your anguish (that’s narcissistic supply) energetically – even if you never respond again.
You are still handing them energy, because they are sticking a psychic emotional hose into you and sucking your very life-force.
And this fuels the narcissist up to keep tormenting and punishing you.
Any of us who have been emotionally enmeshed into a narcissist – with our corresponding original traumas which are not yet healed – have felt this psychic drain and hook profusely.
It literally feels like your body, emotions, mind and ability to “live” have been taken over by another entity.
THAT is what needs to be broken and up-levelled beyond.
When The Narcissist Doesn’t Contact You
I really want to address this part of it. Many people are aware that narcissists “hoover”, meaning that they don’t let completely go and they keep making contact. People often wonder, “Why isn’t this happening to me?” Or maybe they have a narcissist who does make contact and then doesn’t at times – creating their obsession about this.
There are two reasons – if you are still hurting – that a narcissist has let you go.
- There is better narcissistic supply, or
- The narcissist knows this is the thing that hurts you the most – the being discarded, not being important and worthy of the narcissist’s love or attention.
I promise you this – if you are hurting the narcissist at some level feels it and will be compelled to keep delivering the silence.
Ultimately all of this is a “game” of egos and pain and fear in battle. It is not true love. True love is only possible when we are whole enough to love ourselves first. True love is not possible with a narcissist because they have a shattered Inner Identity.
The narcissist is taking out his / her unresolved original traumas on you, and you are trying to resolve your original traumas with a person who is the messenger of them and not the healer of them.
You are no more capable of healing the narcissist’s wounds than the narcissist is able to heal yours.
Any delivery of “not being loved” by someone who is not ourselves, ultimately is showing us how and where we are not self-loving.
I have seen on so many occasions the reality of how things play out energetically with NARP Members (the people who work with up-levelling their original wounds).
There are many times when a person heals and releases themselves from their original wounds, which unconsciously led them into relationship with narcissist, where the narcissist makes one last ditch effort to connect – often out of the blue – and sometimes immediately.
The interesting thing is, on a true up-level with Quanta Freedom Healing, the person previously affected by a narcissist couldn’t care less. They have resolved and moved beyond the soul contract – meaning they have healed their original traumas that the narcissist was bringing to their attention via abuse.
After that attempt, which doesn’t even create a trigger, the narcissist often gives up.
Soul contract fulfilled – evolution achieved.
From Co-Parenting Nightmare to Major Breakthrough
I have seen people co-parent successfully with narcissists after up-levelling.
Absolutely … and I hope this gives many of you, who are struggling with this, hope.
Jean, a NARP member, contacted me excitedly to let me know that things with her ex-husband and co-parenting was incredibly calm, and even respectful. This was in stark contrast to his previous behaviour about fighting her about everything.
He used to switch things around, do things with the kids to rile her up, and not honour boundaries and orders. When Jean up-levelled all the original wounds in her subconscious connected to him, she was no longer triggered by him and then he was no longer bothered with “annoying her” anymore.
She had let go of any of the charges on his antics, and he just stopped doing them. The major breakthrough happened when one day she was discussing on the phone something to do with the children, and she heard him speak to his new partner in the background exactly the same way he used to talk to her.
Jean was amazed. The truth was she was no longer handed him narcissistic supply – the soul contact was fulfilled. She had healed all the parts of her that used to hold him responsible and be affected. This now meant he had to put his garbage onto another target that he was playing out evolutionary business with.
Jean no longer relied on him to be a provider – that had been a huge hook for her in the past. She was beyond that and now generating security and wellbeing for herself and the children without any unhealthy dependencies on him.
The greatest evolutionary work Jean had done in her subconscious was healing the fear of not being able to survive without him, and needing him to be the provider and protector of her and the kids. This was Jean’s major soul lesson – as it is for many women – is to know we are capable of generating lifeforce and security for ourselves and our offspring without being dependent on a man for our literal survival.
(This is one of the many DNA survival programs that can make women incredibly susceptible to abusers.)
The truth was there was no more narcissistic supply to get from her, and narcissists will not act out and expend energy in acting out if there is no return for their invested energy.
This was why he was not acting out with her in regard to the kids anymore. What would be the payoff for him? There was none.
The Other Half of the Magnet
The Victim Model naturally is powerless.
People who subscribe to it don’t take the gift of their own personal evolution (the narcissist making their unconscious wounds conscious) and they stay in the high-emotional content that the narcissist has triggered. They stay hooked into the punishing lesson that they are not “getting”.
This is a path of disintegration rather than integration. It is the model of dissolve instead of evolve.
Let’s look at Bonnie’s situation.
The narcissist in her life represented her unhealed childhood wounds perfectly (as they do). He replayed exactly what her father had done to her mother and herself … he ignored her, threw her crumbs, waved other women in her face and told her often how she wasn’t good enough.
Bonnie had modelled with him exactly what her mother did – try to get approval and love and security from a person who had no intention of every giving it to her.
In the case of the narcissist now in Bonnie’s life, she had tried to love him more, be sexier, thinner, more intelligent – she jumped through every hoop possible. She had also pleaded, begged and declared her love. And when that didn’t work and Bonnie was devastated and trying to get over him, she would be with girlfriends trying to enjoy herself … attempting to meet other guys, have too much to drink and text him.
When the pain got too much that Bonnie couldn’t sleep, she would sometimes drive past his house in the middle of the night hoping to catch him out with another car there. She thought maybe this “proof” would help her let go. But it never did, it only made her panic more and try harder to win his love.
Bonnie was doing all of the normal things we do when we are hooked on a narcissist who is delivering exactly what we need to heal, before we start healing it.
At any time when Bonnie finally, finally summoned up enough strength to stay away and stop contacting him the panic and longing would persist. She was doing it tough – really tough.
And every now and then he would send her random texts out of the blue – ranging from something he saw that apparently reminded him of her, or even words like, “ I love you, I’m sorry. I’ve got to thinking that we really should be together.”
What was horrific for Bonnie was each time she gave in to these messages and reconnected with him – he would discard her again soon after.
Her evolution lesson was not integrated. Her childhood wounds of not feeling worthy of love, and not being important enough to be loved were repeating with the perfect person to make these unconscious wounds conscious for her.
Because these parts of her were not healed, why would her soul let go of this soul contract? Why on earth would he stop contacting her? He’s not meant to until she stops holding him responsible for the healing of these original wounds, lets go and starts doing the work on them herself.
Then the nightmare will end.
Then he will move out of her experience.
The Bottom Line
It is so important to understand in narcissistic abuse that narcissists are catalysts. They are integral steps to our evolution – whether they are in our life right from the get-go as a child, or they come into our life later to replay the wounds we took on from unconscious role models who did not have the essential resources to be “whole” in their own beings either.
As children and as unconscious adults stuck in the emotional container of our unresolved wounds – we are powerless. We miss the evolution lesson and we stay snagged and connected in our traumas with the people who deliver them, replaying them over and over again.
Even if the narcissist does discard us, or we manage to move on physically without our emotional resolution and evolution, we may still be on the hit list from time to time – or be on the permanent discard list … but none of that is really important.
And, even if that abuser does physically completely move on – then another one will need to take their place.
How it plays out is only the symptom of something so much deeper.
What is vital to understand is that we may have had a breakdown experience without taking the breakthrough. This is the case if we did not take the power back to ourselves to find our original wounds to heal and evolve beyond false and painful love – meaning if we didn’t self-partner to heal the parts of ourselves that the narcissist was targeting and triggering up into our full attention.
In the case of Bonnie she missed it … as do so many people … the original wounds of being unimportant, emotionally neglected and abandoned and pushed aside in favour of others was never healed – as a result she stayed hooked, abused and sustaining the damage.
And whether it is this narcissist or another, or simply Bonnie’s or our own relentless inner emptiness and emotional agony delivering the pain – this is also unimportant. Because all of these things are only catalysts – symptoms of the original unhealed wounds.
Nothing gets healed if we try to deal with it at the symptom level.
The agonies are the symptoms. The symptoms are a messenger of what we need to heal.
Life is happening for us and not to us.
I promise you – just like a serious illness trying to get your attention – when you uplevel, when you no longer have original wounding chaining you energetically and emotionally to a narcissist on any level – this person will no longer exist in your reality.
It’s Quantum Law – they can’t.
For this to occur, you have to be self-partnered and do the work to the level of having no emotional investment in what they do or don’t do. Then you will want your freedom more than anything emotionally, figuratively and practically. You will block the narcissist and have no charge in regard to whether or not they contact you, can’t contact you or won’t contact you – you will feel “Not My Reality” and not burn any emotional fuel on it whatsoever.
Because you are too busy up-levelling and developing yourself and creating your own incredible life from the inside out.
And when you create true love and approval with yourself from within, you will start generating and creating true, uplifting and soul-fulfilling relationships with all of life – as an outpour of the relationship you have established with yourself.
The narcissist sadly, is not on that frequency and never will be (unless they took full responsibility, self-partnered and did the work on their own original traumas). They exist in another vibrational (emotional) Universe.
I’d love to help you up-level and snap off the narcissist’s influence in every area of your life, in order to break truly free.
I look forward to answer your comments and questions.
Powerful. If I am no longer a match for the Narc then there is no reason for them to continue to hoover me. Doing the work on myself ensures this. Eventually, they will have to move on..
If we don’t feed them energy, they will starve. Makes sense. The End.
Thanks for another great article Melanie. There isn’t much else for me to say after reading that except, “Amen”…
Hi Te Amo,
I am so pleased this article resonated with you!
Mel xo
This is amazing! I just found out what I’m dealing with: 6-month relationship with a narc. I will be slowly moonwalking out of this trap! I am classic textbook supply for this dude. Too bad he won’t listen to treatment options. Oh, well… gotta save myself first.
Hi Melanie. That was an exceptional read, really helped and gave me the push it need to move on and help myself. I left my N 7 months ago after he constantly flirted with other women, I felt disrespected and constantly comparing myself and being compared to other women. Long story short, we had a great connection and enjoyed the same sense of humour (i spoke to a few of his exs who confirmed what he was like, they didn’t get his sense of humour but I did) he was a bit critical but I kind of understood him, some people in this world are horrible and he said he didn’t particularly like people. I felt close to him and now I’ve read you say they are unhappy inside like a sad child this has upset me. I feel I want to help him even more. Can they be like it through genetics as his mother seemed to be a narc or did she make him like he is through abuse? I did once say to him he needs help and he said maybe he does and so do I? Is there any hope? My only worry is i have kids and I know he is partial to very young girls (over 16) as he understands the concept of the law. He’s 56. He went out with a 19 year old when he was 44. I am a little stuck, I’m nearly free but not ready to totally let go yet. Thank you for your support x
Hi,Melanie Thank you so much for your useful information.
But, I want more any suggestion from you to help solve my problem.
In my case, as soon as I’m sure he is a narcissistic/sociopath, I have made no contact with him (physically and verbally) and give him no reaction for 3 years now no matter how hard he tries to get my attention. And this makes him very frustrate, angry, and want to take revenge on me (I knew because we are still friends on facebook and he always gave hints through his status that what he was feeling or something he’s gonna do to me by stating it confusingly and indirectly to make no one but me get his point).
At first, I didn’t unfriend him because I didn’t know what’s going on, he just ignore me after break up to make me confuse, dumped, and play with my emotion. But now I think it’s too late to unfriend because he tries to keep an eye on me to know more about my life (but truthfully, I never post anything important or family things on my facebook, just chitchat with my friends) so, I think it’s important to keep an eye on him too to know what he plans to do to me.
To be honest, along this past 3 years, I have no problem with my feeling on him, like no love, no hate, just don’t care and move on because I know this relationship isn’t real and it is just him who love to play mind game. But recently, he let me know that he really got my home address and try to be friend with my old friends. This really gets on my nerve and I can’t let this thing go…like he can’t attack me so, he tries to attack those around me instead. I’m afraid that things might go too far and cause damage to everyone around me.
I want to end this but don’t know how…any blogs that I have read just suggest to use no contact strategy but I think it’s not working from now on…and I never tell this to my close friends, family, or anyone like it’s very hard to explain to make them understand my situation.
Please help me get out of this trap…I can’t make a move or plan to do anything because of this (cause I don’t want him to know more about my life but at the same time, it’s a must too to keep evidence from him on facebook).
Thanks.
You said you’re no contact and then said you’re friends on Facebook? And then said you don’t want to go no contact?
I think you’re fooling yourself and getting attention for it.
What I mean is…because now he already gets my address and that make me paranoid about what he gonna do with that …it makes me feel too insecure and unsafe to let thing go that’s why I didn’t dare to unfriend him.
I wonder is it better if I absolutely make no contact with him but don’t know what he gonna do with me and people around me in the future?
or,
is it better to keep track of things like this to, at least, know a bit of his malicious plan and save all evidences that he posts for using in the legal process when things go too far?
Rocio, my impression is that you keep tabs on him because you subconsciously “wish” this contact and connection not to end completely. You must know that it really does lead to nothong to keep track of things he will do or not do. This IS staying in contact and being emotionally invested and connected. A) Narcissists act according to a certain pattern which is described in many articles on this website. It is a very stereotypical pattern auf hovering as long as he sees a valuable source of attention and supply in you. That means, he will contact you whenever he feels like it = this is and remains his “malicious plan”, as you call it. Therefore, to keep track on him leads to nothing but silently serves your more or less subconscious wish not to completely cut contact. The only thing you owe yourself is to absolutely do this – NO contact, no keeping track of any of his – senseless – actions. In a negative as well as a positive sense, they have NOTHING to do with you as a person.
Hi Rocio,
truly, truly – it all gets back to the same thing.
You can’t change anything outside of your center of influence – which means outside of yourself.
The very fact this person is still in your space after 3 years means that there is some “lesson” some “up-level” that you haven’t yet taken on – truly .. and that is not a judgement … it is simply Quantum Law.
And why are you still friends? That isn’t congruent if you want this person out of your life …
And really why on earth would you be BOTHERED in reading anything into anyone’s posts if you had decided NOT My Reality?
It’s YOU who hasn’t let go Rocio – and until you do that … the games showing you how this person still controls you live on … even if just in your own mind.
You end it by ENDING your obsession with this, and then doing the work on yourself to grow up the parts of you which are immaturely still involved.
Mel xo
Thank you so much Melanie and everyone…like Susan said I admit that I’m afraid I might get consequences for unfriending him…fear that he will increase the level of damage in any forms.
so this should be like end everything by myself, no contact at all, but just hope that he won’t go too far like messing people around me without me knowing, encounter him in real life(if he tries to find the way), or whatever that might destroy my reputation due to his plan in the future, right?
and if these things happen, what can I do about that? or just let it be?
I used to be very bothered by his smear campaign against me. BUT… If they are your true friends, they will not believe him. If they do believe in him… You are better off without such friends.
Dear Melanie,
thank you for this article. I finally made it, I went no contact by changing my number so that he cannot contact me again. But, what I feel now is guilt, shame and a deep-seated doubt whether my perception was right or not, whether he was really a narcissist or whether his bevaviour really was “hurtful” or “disordered”. We have never been together as a couple but known each other for over seven years now. It was seven years of ups and downs and very painful to me. What I experienced most was extreme pain and hurt – during our contact, he silently got married and told me long, very long after that had happened – in the meantime, he had time and again bombarded me with messages, many of them sent at inappropriate times in middle of the night when he should have been with his wife. He would contact me weeks or months later “out of the blue”, urging to talk to me, saying he misses talking to me – and then, after I answered, he went silent again or his behaviour made very clear that there were many others he contacted or preferred. He would tell me one time I was his “secret love” and would in the next moment openly demonstrate his relationship, obviously knowing that I would get the hint. Every time, it felt as “free fall”, I felt completely abandoned, helpless and the pain was beyond all bearing to the point that I sometimes couldn’t get out of bed. Though I know how destructive this contact was, I still struggle to trust my intuition and the facts stemming from his behaviour. I feel stupid, on the one hand, that I have fallen for him, that I would again and again reconnect with him, though I made my point very clear that I was not ok with his behaviour. And still: I ask myself if I am doing him wrong, if I judge him wrong. These “what ifs” – what if I judge him wrong, what if his behaviour wasn’t that bad after all, what if I am the narcissist, what I am the one with the problem – this is, what is really difficult for me at the moment.
I really feel for you. You could be describing my husband – l have well-founded suspicions that is exactly how he relates with other women in his life. I imagine they feel as you do.
Please do not beat yourself up – love yourself enough to get away and stay away. We have to face facts – in both our cases, these men ARE narcissists. I believe we need to speak our truths as women (usually) who get caught up in this behaviour of men (usually) and support each other to heal ourselves, rather than continuing to give away our energy to feed their pathology.
Trust your instinct. Narcissists prey on your self-doubt, kindness and understanding. He hurt you, you’ve evidenced this and there is plenty more, no doubt. This person does not love you by his actions – whether or not he’s a narcissist, have no doubts about putting yourself first. You’re becoming emotionally intelligent – don’t doubt that now! And don’t fall for his crap again. The NARP is so important for rewiring your subconscious beliefs – sounds like you need to do some reprogramming.
Thank you both, Maria and jarwithaheavylid. Trusting my instincts is very hard for me but I keep working on that and yes, jar…, you are right, I really need to do some homework and reprogramming.
Ironically, I was always very good at keeping no contact – I hardly ever contacted him by myself, even if this meant periods of weeks or even months. I would rather stay silently and emotionally connected – by obsessing about him, his actions, his current whereabouts. Or by obsessing over the question whether or not I was not “good enough”, which qualities other women, esp. his wife, might possess which make them more “valuable” in his eyes. Yada, yada, yada.. It is shocking that I managed to stay emotionally invested and connected for over 7 years with many breaks and silent treatments in between. What makes it hard not to doubt is that there were many “good moments”, good talks, his admitting weaknesses or problems with life and family. Still, I do get to the point where I realize that these good moments do not outweigh all the hurt and pain. I knew I could not do that without changing my number. Though I was very good at not initiating contacting, I was always silently afraid of and yet hoping for him contacting me. This circle HAD to end. In some twisted way I am proud for being so strong, yet feel bad for cutting him of so abruptly. I am too afraid to get a message in the middle of the night again, of him telling me to miss our talks, of following messages and calls, when I do not react and then, WHEN we eventually talk, of making it clear that he is not that interested in what I have to say, making it clear he wanted to end our phone call as soon as possible. The more I think about all those many incidents, the more I see clear.
And Maria, I feel with you, too. In my case, I don’t know his wife at all – but I know that he “glorifies” her (or seemed to) and it seems like he is the weaker part of them. I sometimes got the impression he used me as a means to regain some power in the relationship, but this is only too much speculation to be sure about that. I sometimes envied her so much, thinking that she must possess so much more qualities than I do for he married her. But again, I know that this is twisted thinking. I realize that I have a lot of (useful) work to do..
Hi Lilli. I was reading ur comment and I felt like you are telling my story…. I have the same same doubts as urs…. Its so hard to move on…I have given him enough chances… I am gonna changed my number soon. Its been 20 days no contact….This time I wont fail NO CONTACT.
I wish best of luck to all those going through this deadly decease. Thanks Melanie for helping n grooming us emotionally….
Hi Lilli,
this is all to do with unhealed wounds from your young past to do with “unavailable love”. And when we have not healed those childhood parts of ourselves, our mind makes up all sorts of confusions and “excuses” to stay connected to the people who are the deliverers of “more” of our childhood wounds.
It’s actually not about “him” – he is just a catalyst showing you the parts of yourself that require your self-partnering and healing.
Because your soul contract – your up-level is not complete. Meaning more pain needs to be delivered until you realise he is not the healer of your wounds – you are.
Lilli please come into my webinar group http://www.melanietoniaeevans.com/freewebinar if you want the pain and pattern to end and your real life to begin.
Mel xo
Thanks Melanie. I know that it is actually not really about him and I will work on those unhealed parts by getting professional help. I’d love to take place in your webinar, but live in a different part in the world. Due to the time shift and me working full time, it will be difficult to attend the webinar.
could you tell me if he is a narc. i orginallyleft him in dec2014and then got back with him. He then slept with someone else and posted it all overfacebook. He told me he wanted to be friends and wantedno relationship evan though he was with her this was eiher tobe a coward and not let me go as he so callled cared or was frightened in case she didnt work out or to h ave best of both, He has a history of abuse, and also he acts like the victim when it is really me, and hates me and doesntcontact me thishurts PLEASE HELP
wow, did we know the same person…? 😉 Just kidding, rather impossible, but they all use the same tricks…amazing. I could have written your post… but my relationship with the narc lasted over a year… it was mostly online…I was struggling to go no contact for almost a year, but finally I did it..and I have been in recovery for six months now… he hooked me really bad. I have no idea what happened to him.. and I don’ really want to know… though I felt guilty for cutting him off like that… It’s getting better and better each day .. and I feel better…so don’t give up:)
Lilli:”And still: I ask myself if I am doing him wrong, if I judge him wrong. These “what ifs” – what if I judge him wrong, what if his behaviour wasn’t that bad after all, what if I am the narcissist, what I am the one with the problem – this is, what is really difficult for me at the moment.” – Yes, I asked myself the very same questions… NOT ANYMORE, though..
Aga, it is good to know that these questions do not matter to you any more – at least not as much as they originally did. What really bothers me is the question whether I myself expected too much (which deep down was more than friendship which he could not give me since he was in a more than committed relationship, he got married, eventually). I have other friends, aquaintances, whom I only occasionally in contact with and that was and is ok. However, if I think this way, I deny the instances when he definitely tried to hook me – by his messages in the night, his calls every once in a while etc. pp. And by using all those sweet words, which I could always interpret different ways which was so confusing, and at the same time marrying his girlfriend, he definitely was playing with my feelings (as he once committed, he knew how much I felt for him). This is evidence enough. However, I am waiting for an appointment in therapy to start to work on all this.
narcissists are pure calculation. no questions. only execution for ROI. dont give yourself the benefit of doubt. or the narc. period
Hi Mel,
Such a spot-on article. Its so true that when we heal and up-level, there is nothing left for Narcissists to feed on, and they will go of in search of more plentiful hunting grounds. Since childhood, my life (starting with my mother) was infested with Narcs and other chronically self-absorbed people. Since I started to work on myself, and with miraculous help from NARP, my world is now delightfully Narc-free. That is, apart from one Narcissist that I very occasionally have to deal with through business. Whenever I cross paths with this person, and she starts pushing my buttons, I know there is something I have to look at and up-level. She triggers painful issues for me. For instance, earlier this week, she accused me (mistakenly) of over-charging for some work I had done. Instead of getting angry and defensive, I went inside myself and asked “what is this about?” The answer came back immediately – there are still some areas in life where I am under-valuing myself, selling myself short, not recognizing my true worth. It has resulted in me negotiating a pay rise! In a way, this difficult person has become a kind of “barometer” for me. She shows me where my wounds are. I know absolutely, that when I have healed sufficiently, this person will drop out of my experience. I am grateful for the gift that I have come to regard her as, even though I do find my encounters with her extremely irritating and stressful. I just punch a few pillows, have a good swear and remind myself she is helping me evolve! Thanks Mel, much love, Sylvia Wilkin xxx
Haha, good on you Sylvia. 🙂
Thank you for posting this Sylvia!! After reading Mel’s blog, and working NARP by continuing to up-level my past wounds, you post reminded me to ask, “what is this about?” when I encounter someone who triggers a strong negative reaction. I will now up-level that as well! I appreciate you sharing a part of your journey!
Hi Sylvia,
I love how well you model the Thriver Orientation for your growth.
It is the perfect, perfect way to continually evolve …
You are doing a smashing job!! Smashing out old wounds and up-levelling to even greater freedom.
Love it!
Mel xo
Dear Melanie;
I have been reading your emails, listening to your videos for months now…maybe even a year. I was finally able to move out of my N. mother’s home (I am 64) and when I left, all hell broke lose. I am rebuilding my life and continuing to read and listen to your wisdom. You provide such depth of clarity. I cannot thank you enough for your work and your personal growth and sharing. You are like a life preserver – thrown out there for us to grab onto. Change cannot happen until we can clearly see what is going on. Being with a N. is like being in a tornado. Even if you are highly educated as a therapist… So, Melanie, a big round of applause goes to you!!!
THANK YOU!!!!!
Hi Cynthia,
you are so welcome, and I am so pleased my material is helping you.
How wonderful that you are claiming the right to your life …
Mel xo
When I was separated and divorced from the ex narc I was already working on myself. (the cause of the divorce was me no longer allowing her to control me, which frustrated her into frenzies) I was very surprised that she didn’t hover, she tried on just a couple of occasions and I ignored her, no contact, I wouldn’t read her letters or answer the telephone and told her and calmly commanded her not to even drive by my home.
She never again tried to contact. There were a few times that she ran across members of my family and she puts up the “such a wonderful person” mask and tells them all the wonderful things in her life. My family knows what she is and they don’t say much back to her.
It is true, once I was no longer on her level, she lost all interest in continuing to torment me. She’s gone and I love it. It is wonderful to know that narcs are no longer attracted to me or vis-versa.
Hi Stephen,
that is wonderful, and absolutely this happens when we stop feeding energy to N’s …
Mel xo
After 10 years of condoning his many endless lies, cheats, betrayals, the N dumped me after he found his new source of NS. It has been closed to 5 months now but for the past 3 weeks, the N has been hovering persistently with emails (since I blocked him from all my social media & telephone). Decided enough is enough & set a rule for my email. Any emails coming in from him will be automatically be forwarded to the new NS & will be deleted from my junk box. Peace at last.
He won’t know what hits him since he’s not too IT savy. The email will look as if it’s from him to her… Let him go answer to the new NS & I get the peace that I so deserve.
Hi Dopey,
that’s great you mean No Contact!
Mel xo
I just found another area I need to uplevel that until this morning and listening to your radio cast, I did not even realize was a wounded area. It is indirectly related to the idea that I need a man to get me to that “place called home” that is wherever – I don’t even know – and amazingly enough the ex narc was tuned into this and got a huge bunch of supply from this wound I’ve been carrying around that I didn’t even know was there!!! I am so excited to head to a module and find what is wounded, where this originates from. I have some ideas.
Wow! I am so excited. Thank you, Melanie, I am gifted with so much from you!
Hi Renfree,
I love it when the penny drops and we just “know” we have found a huge up-level to do.
So glad you are doing great!
Mel xo
snap off the narc…love this picture. Self partnering is the gig, and once again, I am bringing it home to me. This practise is making me whole, and creating a deeper sense of my own intrinsic value. I cannot afford to be swept away into the narc’s reality at the expense of my own. Today I received a letter that the government is taking on my case to regain the support payments owing. I imagine the narc will not be happy about it, but I am ok. And may justice prevail! Either way, I intend to be at peace, because that is within my power. Thanks, as always, for the love and light!
Hi Ruth,
I love that unconditional peace and evolution – non reliant on what does or doesn’t happen.
That is what you are modelling – True Freedom.
And life absolutely responds powerfully to that.
Keep up the great work.
Mel xo
Thank you, this shed a lot of light on things that I had thought of before. My question is: Do narcissists have a habit of telling their “energy supplies” (or mutual friends) that we are actually the ones who are narcissistic? I have been in a relationship with a drug addict who told everyone that I was the drug addict and I have been in a relationship with a narcissist who told everyone that I was the narcissist. Why does this happen? What does it mean? Now I get paranoid that I was the narcissist in the relationship…though I know I wasn’t!!
Donna, I have experienced this too. They project their disowned and shameful parts on to us, which means they can go on behaving exactly as they like, while holding us responsible. I had an alcoholic XN who told everyone that I was the one with the drink problem. My mother also used to accuse me of terrible things, and it was only after she died, that I found out that these were things that she herself had actually been guilty of. That’s why they develop a false self – its the ultimate defence system x
Hi Donna,
that is absolutely what N’s do .. and we get hooked in until we heal the relationship with ourselves … which means when we learn to come home to love and approve of ourselves unconditional of other’s approval.
That’s the real work.
Mel xo
How do we NOT feel lonely? How do we find that initial STRENGTH to start healing by moving away from Narc and towards ourselves? Muster up the courage within us to get on the road of HEALING.
What is stopping us or break away from the narc abuse — false beliefs about ourselves, lack of confidence or self-esteem or something else?
Thank you,
Hi Bria,
all of that …
And really its the young wounded parts inside wanting the abuser to step in and heal it for us.
It needs to be a decision to meet ourselves, to step in and step up and go through the dark night of the soul – which in essence is the midwifing those parts of ourselves (breakdown) through to breakthrough.
And it really isn’t until we start doing the work that we find all the true reasons why.
Mel xo
“How do we find that initial STRENGTH to start healing by moving away from Narc and towards ourselves? “- In my case it was helpful to realize I have nothing with him and without him I would also go back to nothing..but different kind of nothing…so what do I lose? NOTHING! So I went back to this “nothing” and I started to work on healing my emotional wounds and I’m getting better…so it was worth it! 🙂
Bria,
The easiest way I found to not feel lonely was to accept that the “relationship” I thought I had was false. It was a fantasy of my imagination fed to me by the N. A reflection like a mirage in the desert of an oasis. I was craving that so desperately that I could only see what I wanted.
Now I see the truth. With a N there is no love.
I learned Buddhist meditation and in each meeting the person leading reads. “Focus on the breath. Each time you notice a thought or a distraction make a quiet non judgemental note of ‘not breath’ and go back to focusing on the breath.
So too with our own recovery. Building a life of ‘not N’ and returning the gaze on self compassion, self forgiveness, and learning how to express our own authentic self.
Learn what gives you pleasure, the gentle pleasures. Keep a record of this. Scrapbook, notes in a jar, photos, diary. It’s actually a sewing of a new seed to grow you. We former N lovers never had the chance to be ourselves growing up as children. We were like a self levelling screed… flowing in to smooth every last rough area so everyone could walk on us. Being tough and taking all the knocks.
Choose an interest, a hobby, a craft, anything and go along and learn what you can about it. Learn about the people who do it and be fascinated by them. Spread you across many people do there is no intensity. At first it feels empty, boring, shallow. But in time the gentleness of being accepted genuinely by real people feels nourishing. This is real, honest, genuine. It comes like drips from a tap, no hurricane of intensity.
The boredom from lack of intensity has worn off now. Calm is more valuable to me.
I’m enjoying reading books galore: EVERYTHING by Melanie, on trauma generally Bessel van der Kolk, Canadace Pert, Sebern Fisher, loads of books about N’s from book sellers, and anything by Alexander McCall Smith for the sheer joy of it, watching TED talks on you tube, and I’m on episode 148 of One Piece a Japanese amine. So gradually I’m building a repertoire of backgrounds to talk about when I meet new people.
Counselling, Somatic experiencing, massage, sports.
Next I’m volunteering as a support befriender for a women’s refuge.
It’s all stuff that’s gradually making me feel whole, that I’ve something to offer without wanting anything back :not a thank you, not a smile, nothing, no conditions attached.
It’s more about choosing to look outwards than inwards. By not seeking to win approval from anyone but yourself that’s how you find yourself.
Have fun! I wonder who is emerging? <3
oh its not hunky dory, but one has to find themseles in STILLNESS. one is absolutely alone. for some time in the day and over time. Alone by self. One will feel searing pain, wont know what to do with self. For the trauma is not easy. And yes there is a dark night of the soul…an existential crisis. If one can cross this phase with deep introspection about what has happened and why and how….and not shy away from being a VICTIM…and crazy …the loneliness will be replaced by understanding….an awakening. that is the start of a phase where the pain of “””loneliness ‘””” …aka separation from the world outside of self, not the narc as is thought of….will start diappearing.
Thank you, Melanie! Thank you, thank you, thank you! I have been working NARP now for a few months and WOW! I am my own best friend, I have self-worth and I accept and value myself!
I previously replied to Mel’s “No contact” blog, and was helped to remain in no contact mode. But, I am now faced with some hard facts about myself…I was not blameless in my behavior. In fact, it sometimes seemed as though another person was reacting..I was so reactive to some of the betrayals that I used harsh, unkind words to attack the N. For that, I am sorry, but I realize now just how wounded I really was to behave that way. I up-leveled all of that…I have now forgiven myself. Under different circumstances, I would apologize for my bad behavior, but I am satisfied that by healing my wounds, I will not show up again in that reactive negative way, and that will have to suffice, as I will not break “no contact!”
Much peace for the journey…
Hi Mary,
you are so welcome, and I am so pleased NARP is helping you heal.
How wonderful that you have up-levelled and evolved into integration with you.
It’s very true that forgiving ourselves is such a healing piece.
Mel xo
Thank you so much Melanie. I’ve been working on NARP and have been having so many breakthroughs. My marriage of 20 years was full of neglect, abandonment where he would throw me a few snippets of love every once in a while, and have many many other women on the side whowere thrown in my face constantly and just live a single mans life while I raised our children.. He ran off with the final woman. I then met a man and the story of Bonnie could have been written about me. I cried when i read it. It didn’t seem to matter how much I gave, how much I tried, it was never enough. He would always say things to me about how i never let him into my life, how horrible I was to him,, He moved himself into my place within 3 months and lived here for nearly 2 years. He ever paid a cent to live here. He still had other women on the side, He finally just left one day when I confronted him about finding messages to one of his other female friemds about meeting her again He then contacted me again to ask whether his daughter could come and live at my place as she was having issues. He moved himself back into my house with her. They stayed for two months. I finally asked him to leave. I went no contact and he would contact me again and hook me back in.. I would drive past his house trying to catch him out with other women, gave and gave and gave. It was never good enough. I have finally gone no contact. Finding it very hard. The urge to contact is huge but am taking it to the modules. I can’t thank you enough Melanie for showing me the way through. Xx
Hi Melody,
how wonderful that you met yourself and are doing the work ..
That is the true work back home to a healed and New Self.
I am so pleased you are on your way!
Mel xo
I’ve wondered if having an ex narc in your life is a lifelong thing. As in, none of my exes were narcs, I remained friends with almost all of them for a while, but you drift apart. None are particularly techy, I just can’t see any of them bothering to contact me. If we saw each other in the street, it would be nice, we’d say ‘hi, how are you doing’, but while there’s no bad blood between us, we’ve moved on.
With the ex narc though, while he’s cut me off (again), and I’m actually this time realising I’m happier when he’s NOT speaking to me, I also feel he could potentially get back in touch any time between now and eternity. It’s not me waiting or wanting it, but it’s the fact that he will never see he did any wrong and if he’s feeling a bit lonely/whatever, he’ll think ‘quiet Saturday night, I might just email JW’. A mutual friend told me that he had emailed an ex from 20 years ago last year, it was during a period when he wasn’t speaking to me, and he was sniffing around looking for somebody else to talk to. So yeah, I wonder if they ever fully detach and if we can ever fully let our guard down.
I know if one of my exes got in touch, it would be just to say hi, and catch up on news. I think if the ex narc got in touch, it would just be to see if I was still a sucker who he could extract a bit more supply from.
Ewwwwwwwwwwwww.
Hi JW,
absolutely there is so many of us who have no contact, are not on guard, ad don’t even think about it.
Not Our Reality …
There are too many other wonderful, real and incredible aspects of life to connect to.
And that only happens once you have evolved yourself beyond N abuse and the unconscious reasons we were there in the first place.
Mel xo
I really get where you’re coming from. Been there and done that before. Even equating it to smoking, I knew for a long time (after I quit) that I was vulnerable, and therefore on guard. Now I have no desire to ever smoke again, I can be around smokers, go to bars, walk past one and if anything I screw my nose up and think ‘ewwwwwwwww, revolting’.
I’m still in that quitting phase. I know it’s for the best, and I’m pretty determined, but also realise I’m vulnerable.
I know exactly what triggers he used with me. He even wrote down in an email once what triggers me…and he was right. Yet he repeatedly did it.
I believe that we are drawn to Narcs only because we are energetic matches. Narcs are externally what we are internally. In order to break free we need to become energetic mismatches. Your program is a wonderful tool for breaking free and healing.
I use your program daily and it truly has been helping me. I love most of it but admittedly cringe at references to up leveling, soul contracts, reincarnation, angels, guides, etc. as I do not believe in spiritual hierarchies . Hierarchies of all types keep us trapped in places where we give our power away to sources outside of ourselves. This is a place where others tell us what to do because they supposedly know what is best for us. This dependency is exactly what we are trying to break free from in the first place (as above, so below).
Hi Bea,
when we understand Oneness we realise that there is no “hierarchies” and there is only aspects of our divinity or otherwise as representations of ourselves in our own experience of Life earthly or celestial.
It is only the ego and illusions of separation that believe anything is something “other than self”.
Religious persecution wounds can also bring about those feelings of judgement, separation and inferiority / superiority.
NARP and all the processes and energy statements in it are about OUR power – nothing else. Because all of these aspects are parts of ourselves … because there is “nothing else” that exists.
It’s all us …
One.
Mel xo
melanie hi
I am a follower of yours and I highly respect your posts and opinions. They help me.
I have a question that has been puzzling me for a while and I can’t find an answer on my own.
The narcissist that treated me badly is a person I work with and we used to be lovers in the past.
He is around again finding excuses to talk to me, ask me about me or my family, offer me sth to eat etc. etc. I have explained to him that want to believe him but I can’t right now.
I have set firm boundaries but I have never talk to him openly about my feelings, which are that I love him, I want a clear and healthy relationship with him, but a lot of things must happen so that I can trust him again.
So the question is:
Should I talk to him and get things straight? Or should I ignore all of his hoovering attempts and let time do its work while I will be quitely observing IF he changes?
Thank you Mel
Hi Marianna,
if this person is a narcissist, and fits the bill and you are wanting to make things “right” with this person – then you are still acting from your own unhealed inner wounds, which can only ever continue to get hammered by this person.
This is never about observing other people Marianna, its about focusing intently on ourselves to heal our stuff, and then we organically create relationship with other healthy people. There is no “waiting” for anything – and certainly not for “people to give us ourselves” – because we already are “whole” regardless of who other people are or aren’t.
It’s your healing that you really need.
Mel xo
Been reading your posts for awhile. I’m divorced from a narc with 4 kids under age 17. Went through marriage not understanding what the heck happened but knew it was him and not me. Got the hell out when he accused me of adultery for the 2nd time (fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me). But my question is, is narc behavior hereditary? My 14 yr. old daughter is going through behavior issues which remind me of her father. She has been in the past, verbally abused with words like, “I wish you were never born, I knew you were going to give me trouble when you were born, you and your mother go to hell, etc., mentally abused and physically abused by him with wooden spoon to the feet, chased around the room, pinned against the wall with dining table and hit across the face given a fat lip. CPS was called, but they didn’t make it priority so the judge in the case only shook his finger at him and said not to do it again. Although a an 730 evaluation was done and he was found guilty of it he was given a warning if he did it ever again he would lose custody.
So is it hereditary or is it a learned behavior? Or is my daughter going through something else? What can I do for her that would help her. She has recently said to me she knows her father hates her and she has told me that he once held his arms open to hug her, but she didn’t accept it and walked past him. Her dad also secretly married another woman while he was married to me and brought her home but never told the kids sge was coming and when it was time for the weekly exchange, they were shocked that she was there. He showered this woman with gifts and attention that my daughter was hurt because she said he’s known me all my life and he’s known this woman for a short time. She ended up stealing $100 from her purse soon after this, but I knew why and her dad thought it was just bad behavior.
If this is hereditary, let me know how to help her.
Thank you
Hi Fambi,
this is a big topic … and hence why I created an article series on it.
I hope this helps ..
https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/how-to-help-your-children-wh-are-affected-by-narcissists/
https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/how-we-become-better-parents-as-we-heal/
Mel xo
Dear Fambi,
HANG IN THERE.
Love from a fellow Mom.
Just when I thought I had read it all, I found this article. I was married for 25 years to a man that I’ve recently been able to identify as being narcissistic. I always thought a narcissist was the big voice inthe room, the better than anyone else kind of person….
Ive since realized that I grew up with one of those types as a father, but then married a quieter version.
Over the Thanksgiving holiday this month, he suddenly had a break through, he called it. Didnt have to fake emotion anymore. Says he cried and mourned the loss of our marriage. Wanted to make amends. Sent me text after text of apologies and ownership of some of his behaviours. This was the first time he had ever asked to try to put our relationship back together. He is no longer the person he was and all things are new!
You know what I did?
I told him that door is closed. It will never open again. I congratulated him on his break through, and wished him peace and happiness going forward.
Then I blocked him on my phone for the holiday weekend.
Guess what? A week or so later, he had another break through. One in which he tried again to gain my attention. I gave him short clear answers,explained boundaries, told him NO, YOU CANT COME OVER TO WORK AROUND THE YARD OR IN THE BARN.
So hes supposed to come while Im away for the weekend and no one is home, and get his tools that he has left in the barn. I get home, much later than expected, and guess what? HES STILL THERE. and hasnt packed up a thing, Instead hes working on a few projects because he thought maybe he should leave the tools for me to use, and working on things made him feel better. I calmly as I could suggested that this was not the deal, and that he was not respecting my boundaries, so please take your things. Then he says he made some of the stuff for me! (I vomitted inside)
And then you know what he said?
He said he respected my boundaries, and understood where I was coming from, so if he could just come over and work around while I was at work, and be gone when I got back, would that be ok??
Seriously
That was what he said. (the tools in my barn he was supposed to take months and months ago)
So I said, NO, this was not ok, but you have until Thursday to have everyting gone that you want, and after that I will pack it up and have it delivered to you.
He then gets angry at me, tells me Im coming between him and his healing and closure. Tells me that Im putting my needs before him.
I didnt respond to this . The next day, I got a novel telling me how much he respects my need for boundaries, and he will do whatever I need for him to do.
Oh, and could he come over tomorrow to change the oil in the generator and snow blower for me. You know, to show how sincere he is.
Answer to this: NO, I have it all under control.
Response: he gets angry again, and accuses me of being bitchy
By this time, after the holiday drama, and now this Im not sleeping, increasing my anxiety meds, and generally not functioning well.
Then I started reading again. things I havent read in months. Reminders of why he will never be ok, and why its ok for me to be the bad guy and have no contact. Why its ok for me to look after my happiness and well being and ignore the drama he creates.
So thats a coles notes version of the past few weeks. The question is, now that Ive taken control again, and set the boundaries again, can I go no contact? Like completely? As in blocking him on my phone as well? I have blocked him on all social media (last one was instagram after he told me that he hides in the bathroom at work when I post a photo as its heartbreaking for him….I only post nature photos btw)
Our youngest is nearly 18. They can communicate between themselves without my help. She lives with me 98% of the time. He will have nothing left in storage at my house after Thursday. Is there any real reason i cant block him? Do I have to tell him? I just dont want to hear all about his feelings and his “recovery”. I recognize that its all fake. I dont need to read it and pretend to care right?
Hi Molly J,
of course you can … it’s you choice.
If you are struggling to do that, there will be inner emotional reasons preventing you.
Usually when we want permission from others there is …
Mel xo
Done! Guilt free 🙂
you do not have to pretend ANYTHING anymore.
you are FREE instead.
!!!!******!!!!!! how wonderful. just keep going.
Its so nice to be so free 🙂
I have set back for sure, but in my whole life Ive never felt as free as I do now.
Free to just be.
Mel, from a lifelong astrologer come these words: you have a Brilliant! take on this subject and are correct in my not-so-humble opinion. great job and congratulations. love from
Kathy
New to the site/group and love all the comments. I believe my ex was NPD and BPD and an alcoholic. I was only married 8 months but with her 2+ years. I will never forget telling her how I thought someone had planted her in my life as she was my dream come true and too good to be true. Wow did I get rude awakening. I had become a shell of myself and sat around wondering what happened to me. I had the courage to see a counselor during the marriage and she spotted what was happening right away. After she tried to ruin my career and get my family to turn on me behind my back I left. Thankfully the counselor had told me to start preparing and tell my friends and family long before I left.
I have looked at this experience as an opportunity to embark on a journey of inner discovery to make sure I don’t end up in a relationship like this again. My co dependency had a lot to do with it and have said at times this inner discovery is sometimes harder than the breakup. Admittedly leaving and doing no contact has probably been the hardest thing I have done in my life. But as I have read hear many times there was something that told me it was time to work on me. I am happy this site is out there and looking forward to recovery!!
Melanie,
I bought the healing program a year ago. Unfortunately, I did not do the work I needed to do…until recently. Kept hoping that he and I could somehow, miraculously, make it and beat the odds. I have been listening to your radio/tv shows on the way to and from work every day…an hour each way. I have been working on the modules. I have a long way to go, but I am finally on my way. I am finding, that after an eight year relationship with the narc, I am finding it very difficult to break up with him….completely. I have broken up with him many times….even made him move out six months ago. But, finding it very difficult to shut the door completely. After listening to this broadcast today, I realize what’s going on. I found myself identifying with Bonnie. Driving by, hoping to catch him with someone there…thinking that will allow me to let go….it just makes things worse and I end up getting even more hooked in. Checking up on his facebook page, email, bank account to see if he’s going on dates, etc. After two weeks of daily doses of your blogs, radio shows, thriver tv, modules….I’m seeing a huge difference. My hang up right now? I need this to be over. I need him to understand. This has been six months of my telling him I can’t be with him anymore….and not standing firm when he persists. Then I have another talk with him again, explaining where I’m at and that I can’t be in a relationship with him anymore…and again, it doesn’t stick. I understand the wisdom of no contact. But, I don’t want to hurt him by doing that. I need to in order to save myself, but I’m still worried about hurting him. What’s wrong with me. Ugh. In spite of everything….these eight years with him….I don’t want to hurt him. My mind is so completely mixed up right now…reeling…that it’s difficult to even be able to express my feelings accurately. Talk about mind games. Please help. I am so afraid that I will sabotage healthy relationships in the future and never escape this cycle. Why am I hung up on hurting someone by doing no contact, when they have had no compunction in hurting me over and over? I see his humanity, the little boy lost, and I struggle to shut him completely out.
Hi Beth,
truly it is really, really important that you get involved with the NARP Private Forum, that is the support and the guidance you need right now.
https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member/
Mel xo
My enh showed up at my Moms funeral the first night and then again for the service and luncheon afterwards! He discarded me numerous times and the last was over a year ago when I really needed him as my mom was suffering badly after a severe stroke. Everything was my fault and life is short and he needed and deserved to be “happy”. Boom… Gone … Then a few BS calls about your the love of my life and HE needed closure.. WTH. You broke up with me! When I needed you the most…..
My mom suffered along with my family for 15 draining and agonizing months. Then he shows up with ex mil in tow… To give respect and comfort? Then comes to luncheon so he can act like a kind and caring person? So he can chit chat with friends and my family? I also had the ex I broke up with to marry this clown come to the funeral. My ex immediately shook his hand and introduces himself saying it was nice to see him? OMG!! I have cultivated a deep and caring friendship with this person even after our breakup and we both have mutual concern and respect for each other. A deep and true caring for each other even after all the mess I veered in my life. He and I truly want the best for each other and our families and will always have a deep and caring abide for each other. We harbor no ill will towards each other. THAT is a sign of true compassion and caring. when his mother died I went to the funeral mass only to pay respects. I did not go the luncheon . He has a girlfriend and I believed that was their time to be with others . I felt it was not my place after what I had done . Something I still regret as he did not deserve what happened in any way. I am truly glad he has a loving a caring girlfriend he has been with for a very long time….as I write this I compare the two former relationships. One is caring and respectful. The other is just a smoke and mirrors display to make himself look like he is normal. Something I know he is not.
I’m sorry but this has just left me in another emotional state… This just happened recently and after not seeing the ex for over a year, I find this act of care and concern and support as what is is … A sham and really unsettling. Do these people have no decency or boundaries when it comes to sticking it to you one more time….? Even during the most heart wrenching time as the loss of a loved one…. A loved one that they could have cares less about as they left you crying against a curb? God help me…..I am so angry…
Melanie I want to thank you very much for your making aware how serious narcissistic abuse is and ways to gain freedom. This topic especially was helpful because in our situation my husbands ex wife is the narcissist and after she remarried about 8 months ago, we enjoyed relative ‘peace’ for the first time in years! Then again she began to attempt her control of my husband again and we couldn’t understand why she won’t just leave us alone! Our situation is very difficult and complicated to explain but using your advice has helped a lot with dealing and up-leveling. I have one question though….how do we deal with demands made with regards visitation for my step daughter and her mother’s violation of the court orders? We can’t get the court to enforce them and it is angering. How do we learn to gain inner freedom from that? Help! Thank you again
-Lindsay
Hi Lindsay,
you are so welcome.
Lindsay every step of outer ground comes easier from inner relief.
We show up differently, inspirations / ideas come … “openings” happen, and outer “miracle” has the space to enter our life.
The only answer I can grant you is this – “up-level the trauma / pain / angst of ‘that'”
Are you working with the NARP Program? That is how to achieve it.
Mel xo
Melanie,
Thank you again! 🙂 We are not working with the NARP program yet, just your videos and emails right now. But we feel the program is the next step we need to take. Your advice has helped already but still feel tormented by his ex. And the more you emphasize the healing within and seeing how that’s when things changed for you as well as the examples from thrivers, the more I see we haven’t made that breakthrough yet. Can’t wait to see what NARP can do for us! 🙂
-Lindsay 🙂
hi melanie..
this is my first time reading your article and i dont know if im in a relationship with a narcissist ex boyfriend..we broke up after 5 years of relationship because he’s found someone else. i have been trying to move on and it has been 3 mos that i have not contacted nor thought of him and his new girlfriend. before we broke up i had a very terrible experience when i lost my job in dubai and lost money and my visa too.. im an expat by the way in dubai and hes been helping me with my financial expenses. he never said that hes with someone else already and has been stringing me along while we were together when i confronted him about overlapping in the relationship, he said that hes trying to protect me from getting hurt because he knew how much stressed i was already in. it really hurt me and i decided to leave dubai and start my life without him. now im far away from him however everyday i am being haunted by what they have done and i feel bad that they are very happy now and im left with devastation. i have been in no contact for 3 mos and i have moved on and now hes been calling me and hes been asking me for the money that he said i owed before i left him..it was a money that he gave me where i thought it was something that he offered to me back then when i was broke.now he is like bothering me about the money and it really makes me mad about it. to make things better i told him that i will try to pay it off slowly but i dont know if this is something that i need to do after all .hes done too much damage in my life and he does not have the right to come in to my life and make it terrible again right? after what ive been through… i dont understand what he wants and i have already given him his freedom. is he sonewhat of a narc or just really in need of the money? pls enlighten my thoughts..
Hi Melanie
I have a child with my ex narc and have had no contact with him for 9 years due to him having problems with substance misuse and going to jail etc
He was abusive in every way when we were together, but he was also my best friend, soul mate.. my whole world.
I had to get an order against him as he kept stalking/harassing me.
Forward 9 years and he’s still a prolific, violent, alcoholic criminal.
He has moved to the top of my road with his fiancé (They met in prison, she quit her job to be with him) and their new baby.
It’s hard because sometimes I think they’re really happy and he’s finally changed and that makes me sad/envious
But on the other hand I know although he looks well he’s still the same.
He’s already written his name on my car, broken the handle off the door to our home and turns up places he knows we’ll be i.e. Church and outside our home etc. She joins in with this too
Why is he still hoovering when he has a women who is obsessed with him? And they have a new baby.
Is it only to have contact with our son? (who has said multiple times he doesn’t want contact) or is it still about controlling me?
Will he ever leave us alone ? If not what can I do to break free? I can’t face the rest of my life with him lurking around 🙁
Why the hell am I still so bothered by him!?
Thank you x
To the unititiated, this reads like heavy cultism. The desperate need for superiority, combined with the relentless urge to communicate their “evolution” leaves me wondering if the authentic is a narcissist them self.
Emotional clarity is out there, but I doubt it’s spawned from elitism.
Best of luck to all beings.
Hi,
I read your article and found it very interesting since I was in a relationship with a narcisist for 5 years and now have a child with him. He has made it so difficult to coparent because he would constantly harrass me over text, blow up my phone with several calls very early in the morning and very late at night, show up and park in front of my house, and even show up to my work place to drop something of my daughters off when it could have waited. I have become fed up with it all and do not feel like he has power over me at all anymore. I have been ignoring his harrassing and regular text messages and his phone calls unless it has to do with our daughter for months. I am confused as to why he still contacts me here and there with “hi”, “I really hope you are doing well”, “do you know what movie this quote is from.” etc. Every time he has our daughter he tries to communicate about her and I dont feel like I can ignore those specific texts and calls because it is regarding our daughter. I feel like every time I do answer about her though that it opens a door for him and he will start calling and texting random things and at terrible times during the day that wake me and my daughter up out of sleep. I just dont really know what to do about this. Do you think this is just something that will take time or am I doing something wrong ? I just wish he would leave me alone.
I was single a long time ( 15 years) before I met my husband. All was well and he wooed me in 8 months from Jan to Sep 13 and wanted to get married in the first three months itself. He made lovely promises about a comfortable family home, accepting my son from my first marriage, said I could do social service instead of a regular job etc etc ( he’s very well off) and I took it al at face value. However after I gave up my steady job and home and moved cities to be with him it was then that reality slapped me. He put me through a horrible 6 months of no money no comfort nothing! I mean really nothing. He refused to accept my son and pay for his education , he was a miser to the point where he wouldn’t buy food for the house , wouldn’t pay the domestic help, his mother would try and side with him, I missed my son, and he even tried alienating me from my 18 year old son!!!!!!! Only after I got a job I got normalcy back in terms of buying the regular things ( clothes, good food ?) I’m in this marriage past 4 years and I want out. He has vanished for days, pushed me down the stairs fractured my thigh 2 years ago, killed my beloved boxer ?Of 9 years, would hit her and not give her food, and god knows what all ive gone through. I’ve waited all this while hoping it will work, and also to ensure my career is back on track since I had s break of 4 months when I moved cities.
I’m now between jobs ( have found a good job) however I’m torn between moving back to my home town or staying where I am ( same house with him) and taking this job since it’s a promotion. Please help.
All true and very validating. Thank you for this blog.
Many, including myself, have an added spiritual perspective. We feel malignant narcs are the prophesied ” lovers of selves” mentioned in the Bible… foretold to wreak havoc on the earth in the last days. I, and many Christians believe the last war will be of spiritual nature, destroying the good in the world insidiously, w/ satan’s army of narcissists, or biblically called… jezebel spirits. Good against evil, as narc relationship dynamics present. These individuals are in abundance now, an epidemic of tormentors, destroyers, manipulators, evil and deceitful types.
I am recovering from 5 yrs of ongoing torment, twisted tactics, manipulative set ups, mental cruelty, stalking and other exhausting forms of surreal narc abuse. I lost all , moved twice, stalked for years, hoovered constantly, tricked, and felt like I was in a nightmare. I’m sure a lot of you can relate, and understand how unbelievable it all is. I did not have family around, my son was grown and far away. If I “closed the windows, he came through the doors”.
They make sure you’re isolated and do everything to strip you of your independence, reputation, sanity, and ability to function. They are out to destroy and ruin your life. How is that love? How is that of good? What was the draw? It’s spiritual. A war , good against evil.
I never met nor knew anyone like my ex narc. I had no idea they existed, or what real narcissism was. Of course, satan strikes people off guard. My parents both passed the year I met him, and I was also empty nested. Two friends also had passed at that time. Perfect target.
I’m a highly accomplished woman, always independent, raised a successful son on my own. After the “love bombing” months , and exposure to my ex-politician narc, I found myself terrified, in shock, traumatized and defenseless at the ‘sudden ” flip” , horrific actions, projection and BULLYING. I would always think “ADULT BULLY”, because we ask “who would do this to us”?
There were also infidelities, and damaging slime campaigns to people who didn’t even know me. Also loved constant dismissals of anything important me, the crushing my soul, spirit, and demeaning me. This was always done casually, effortlessly, and without any regret or remorse. Pathological lying was a daily occurrence. He even denied his own online dating profile, present user status, and photo when shown to him as proof. he said it “wasn’t him”.
Imagine (I’m sure you’re here because unfortunately you DON’T have to imagine) my confusion each time he’d say ” lets go to church”, or ” God works in mysterious ways”. Don’t let these comments or displays, charity work, whatever…fool you. They seem to robotically memorize a saying or two verbatim to make you feel they are of God…or volunteer to tell everyone how nice they are to the community. But if you ask them anything more about their beliefs, or who God is, or on any spiritual topic they cant answer. They cannot speak of God , cannot show real love, compassion or empathy. These things make us human. Being void of these things shows us they’re NOT.
They are in my opinion, demons of these last days. Look at their actions. Pure evil targeting the GOOD of the planet. And why so many reported lately? Just look on YouTube. Who behaves this way, torturing in such a twisted, manipulative, deceitful, and tormenting manner?
The adversary does. He TORMENTS… is a DECEIVER… Father of all LIES…hater of GOOD.
You know in your good, caring empathetic hearts they are not normal human beings. I am truly sorry if you ever crossed paths with a narc/psychopath. It does change you, and devastates many. I hope to bring awareness to this perspective on it for thought.
Dear Anonymous in CA,
I am a Christian as well. Thank you for your post I too was in a 5 year relationship with my “Christian” (narc) boyfriend. We are both in our 60’s.
I agree with you regarding what the Bible has to say about these individuals. They think they are fooling everyone….but they are not fooling God.
Anyone that is filled with the Holy Spirit will know the Spirit within them is NOT of God.
Everything you said is the TRUTH. And as you know the truth will set us free! No weapon formed against will prosper.
Thank you again for sharing.
Dear Anonymous in CA,
The scripture is Isaiah 54:17.
New Living Translation
But in that coming day no weapon turned against you will succeed. You will silence every voice raised up to accuse you. These benefits are enjoyed by the servants of the LORD; their vindication will come from me. I, the LORD, have spoken!
I’m stuck in this cycle right now and am working on the Quanta Freedom healing. The problem I’m having is identifying what my original traumas are to heal. Nothing sticks out from my childhood. How do I identify that to heal it when I can’t figure out what it is?
Hi Shana,
Please know you don’t even need to get “information” to shift trauma out of our body. You can just breathe, be “with” the trauma in your body, with your body “open” (not tense) and follow the instructions and you will get shifts.
Also, I highly suggest that you come into the NARP Forum for guidance https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member because this is where so much incredible coaching with NARP (if you need it) takes place.
I hope this helps.
Mel xo
“The interesting thing is, on a true up-level with Quanta Freedom Healing, the person previously affected by a narcissist couldn’t care less. They have resolved and moved beyond the soul contract – meaning they have healed their original traumas that the narcissist was bringing to their attention via abuse.
After that attempt, which doesn’t even create a trigger, the narcissist often gives up.
Soul contract fulfilled – evolution achieved.”
This I was finally able to do – just last week, one year after my brother staged an intervention to get the ex-narc out of my home and out of my life – BECAUSE OF YOU AND YOUR WORK, Mel.
Not to put too fine a point on it, it was only when I stumbled upon your writing and teaching that I started on my journey to healing and up-levelling. I have not only broken down, but I have broken through.
Hi Gudrun,
I love you words – they are amazing.
Especially – “I have not only broken down, but I have broken through.”
Stunning!
Mel xo
Melanie,
My story is a complicated one, and my ptsd labeled “complex”. I’ve been in weekly therapy for eight years, and diring that time my healing seemed to be intetupted by one narcissist after another. After being raised by two dueling narcissists, I have been very leary and sensative to the red flags of these people. As a result, I have never been romantically involved with any; I am now fifty. I live alone, don’t date, and am very careful who I spend time with. My walls have grown thicker and taller year after year.
In spite of my vigilance, I just could not understand why or how I seemed to be a narcissist magnet: men who just seem to lock onto me, love bomb me, etc etc. Each time, I learned a new lesson on how to deal with one, yet a new one would become my neighbor or someone I couldn’t totally avoid. Last week, I met someone working for a political campaign. I thought it might be a good opportunity to meet some compassionate, like minded people. Even with my barriers still firmly in place, the volunteer I spoke with started immediately: can he stop by, no. Would you like to go to dinner, no. I immediately gave up on my idea to try to do something, anything, different to break this pattern. Yesterday, I was at a very low point, the lowest. The numbers just didn’t add up. I didn’t know anyone who had this severe of a problem. I didn’t dress inappropriately, I wasn’t acting either weak or hostile, I kept most personal information to myself, I watched body language, and I went no contact within a week. He has used my volunteer information to get my address and “stop by” unannounced. I didn’t answer the door or react in any way. He called from outside and left a ridiculously manipulative and hostile message: “I can hear you’re TV, I don’t know why you are avoiding me…just trying to be nice…I will come back in an hour…” , long sigh, phone thrown down.
So, at the end of my rope, I scoured the internet, once again, for clues. Then I read your article. In one hour, I read it over and over. I cried. I was astonished. The answer was right there. I by no means understand how to break through, but I am totally convinced it’s possible. It is me, has been me, and they will keep comimg if I don’t change. I learned it’s not about clothes, or the social group, or my posture, at least not primarily. This is about healing forty year old wounds, levelling up, evolving. It’s an energy that thick walls and dark sunglasses just can’t conceal. They feel me before they see me. The M’ s I’ve dealt with sense a bottomless pit of fuel, but are surprised it’s just out of reach.
When you said from a quantum perspective the N’s ( they no longer are entitled to a proper label; one letter is enough) simply cannot exist in my energy field once I break through, I knew at a soul level, beyond a doubt, that you have given me my answer.
Melanie, the current N has the capacity to be dangerous. He’s already furious that I stopped the game before it could start. He can’t figure out how I was on to him while he was on his best behavior, putting on the show, love bombing. That’s been the pattern: each one is more cunning than the last (this man said he was a “champion” for women’s rights, and horrified by the number of metoo-ers. Pretty slick.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your article. I can’t even imagine how many people it has helped get out of the nightmare these people put them through. I will re-read it over and over before your seminar on Saturday. I’ll think, pray and study. I have hope now that this could be the last NP I will have to endure. At this point, it really is a matter of safety. It has to stop.
Thank you for reading this letter. Thank you for helping me. I will write once I see my energy has changed and I can start living again.
Nearly hopeless, but not any more,
Lee
Hi Lee,
This is all so true what you have written.
I am so pleased that you feel some hope now.
The first step is connected to my inner transformational resources if you haven’t already and especially making sure you come into my healing workshop.
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
There is a way up and out of this Lee, absolutely.
Sending you love, healing and breakthrough.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Help. I have tried telling narcissitic x husband no contact. Mostly through not responding. The courts have told him. After he burst out in court the judge had him removed. And after fighting me 2 years for alimony, a 15 year marriage he sent the last check yesterday with a “I don’t know if you knew, my mom passed away in May”… wtf. So typical of him to not communicate major life things. Do narcissicts act like that? He has no empathy..is that why? He had no friends. No friends from work or social. That was a tell tale sign for me. He proposed to me within 2 months.
He was remarried for the 3rd time a month after we were divorced. He is now in a different state – thank god.
Up until last september he was still mailing me inappropriate items – at least once a week, while remarried. the best thing I ever did was send back all the items he sent me to his new wife (and cc:d the attorneys). When I was in the hospital due to stress on my heart he never brought the kids that I raised or even called. He had my number blocked.
Will he ever go away? Is it because he’s in a different state and can’t monitor me? His new wife thinks she can fix him. Is it because he is getting bored with her? If he hates me like he says…I still don’t get it. But I know I won’t ever let him hurt my physically anymore.