Melanie Tonia Evans

What To Do When Your Family and Friends Don’t Support You

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 16
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

There are many things that are excruciatingly difficult when suffering from narcissistic abuse.

One of them commonly being that people close to you seem to have no understanding of the soul rape that you are going through. Often, adding insult to injury, people close to you might believe that you are the person who is disturbed and not well, and even making stuff up …

Because the accusations you make seem so far away from the “perfect” model person that the narcissist portrays to everyone else.

It has been said before – and it is very true – that narcissists have the ability to be street angels/ home devils – and can be very capable of consummate acting that has people turning against you and siding with them.

All of this only adds to your feelings of aloneness, not being supported and desperately trying to get people to understand and help you with what you are going through.

And despite all your desperate pleas to people to “get” what is happening to you, the more you appeal to them, the less people get it.

This topic is very dear to my heart as I personally witnessed my ex win over my parents, my friends and my son – making me out to be the bad one. I cannot begin to describe how painful that felt at the time.

I hope by sharing this candid story I can give you the strength to face this issue and provide the steps you can take to overcome it.


How It Happened To Me

I promise you, those of you who are suffering the anguish of feeling misunderstood and unsupported by friends and family regarding narcissistic abuse – you are not alone. This issue is really common. This happened profoundly in my life initially too.

Even after I had suffered horrendous abuse, and was suicidal, a family member who I thought had my back, was still going to my marital home that I had fled from (which was purchased with my money and was in my name) to do ironing for the narc.

I found out later that he had her believing I was mentally unstable and he was the abused one. This was HUGE for me (as you can imagine). Today this lady and I have a wonderful relationship, and she 100% realises what I went through, who I am today, and exactly what my journey was and exactly who he was / is.

Rather than blame and hate her for what she did to me back then … I realised and worked on that she was in fact an A.I.D (Angel In Disguise) helping me face my unconscious wounds and heal them once and for all.

If I had not healed those wounds I would not experience the support in my life that I now have – with my parents, with my son (who was also turned against me at one time), other family members, colleagues, friends and people who were all sold the lies and initially believed them.

And back then, in my desperation to have support, allies and people helping me emotionally survive – especially the people who I believed MOST needed to back me up – all I did was push them away harder.

There is a Quantum Law for that … and one that I did not realise until I had my awakening and stopped making what was happening about other people, and what they were or weren’t doing, and instead took my power back and made it all about myself.

Initially, this would have been my last choice. Of course I thought that if you pleaded, explained, lectured, stated, demanded and argued that you could get things resolved!

Yet, how interesting that living a life as a co-dependent (trying to get my love, support and security from outside of me) had showed me time and time again how either that didn’t happen – or at the times when I had received love and support I had been fearful of it being conditional, or losing it again sometime in the future.

This made “love” and “support” very hard to just “be” with and settle into. I had always felt the anxiety of feeling like I had to constantly prove myself and earn love.

But of course, I had stayed unconscious – because all of this was my normal.

So here I was narc abused, my life being ripped apart, my very sanity hanging on a thread, people being turned against me everywhere – with them having NO comprehension about narcissistic abuse.

After I discovered what narcissistic abuse was (before starting working on myself) I was pushing articles under people’s noses trying to get them to read them and understand how “sick” he was. But they weren’t listening – they didn’t want to know.

My father would say things that echoed most people sentiments; things like, “Both of you should have your heads banged together”, and “It takes two to fight” etc. etc.

And certainly I was acting like a crazy, hooked in, angry, demented person … because that is exactly what I was. Hardly the type of energy which comes across as “credible”.

Things got worse, wonderful friends of mine for years were recruited by the narc and turned against me! When I went to them about “how bad he was” they would simply deliver the information to him about how demented and sick I was!

I was beyond devastated. I felt like the entire fabric of any support systems were torn away, and here I was alone in this horror, in the bowels of hell with no-one to help me.

Soul lessons come hard … and when our soul is ready to evolve beyond the level we were operating at – it needs to get our attention.

This is the Quantum Lesson …


Support Never Comes From the Outside

I’m going to be really straight with you here – as back then, after my awakening regarding the truth, I was with myself.

People were not doing “anything” to me – they were and only ever can reflect back what we are doing to ourselves.

Our matrix of Life, our hologram, which has us imprinted in every encounter, every event and every connection is a direct reflection of only ONE relationship – the one we are having with ourselves.

So what this means is – if we need people to get it, support us and provide us with emotional support and understanding – we will NEVER get it.

Because the “need” states we have not as yet resolved and anchored into support, calm, understanding and solidness within ourselves FIRST.

Let’s have a look where all this got set up in such a screwy way – the trying to “get” ourselves from outside of ourselves, not realising that we are the generative source of our entire experience.

It’s really important to realise as children we were powerless. We didn’t have the ability to anchor into inner security by ourselves. As children we were totally co-dependent, meaning we needed to have emotional security modelled for us – in order to know how to feel whole, safe, solid, and to be able to self-soothe, validate ourselves and know how to work emotionally with ourselves, without emotional reliance in difficult times in our life.

And that’s important – because although emotional support and connection is wonderful and part of being human – if we rely on outside forces to step in and do the job we are not doing for ourselves – we are in “wrong town.”

This is the key thing to understand – emotional reliance if you have not resolved, self-partnered and healed your own separation from self – will always only provide you with more painful emotional separation.

The emotional reliance on others will leave you feeling even more misunderstood, abandoned, unsupported and shattered.

This is Life and our soul’s way of showing us the truth of the Quantum Hologram – that there is only “us meeting ourselves” and when we remain powerless, as a result of not healing our inner relationship with ourselves, we fruitlessly try to change other people in order to grant us the changes for ourselves.

It never works.

Yet, when we fix the wounds, fears and insecurities between us and ourselves, then everything in the hologram (outer experience) shifts organically to represent that shift.

This includes other people.


The Intensity of This Lesson With Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissistic abuse is the profound evolutionary make or break experience.

In all areas of our life where we have wounding, narcissistic abuse is sure to bring it up, blow it up and slam us with it in a way that is necessary to get our attention.

The problem is, we have been programmed to believe the victim model: “This is going on outside of me, and has nothing to do with my insides!” … which of course renders us powerless.

It renders us powerless because we have NO WAY to change anything or anyone else that is not us! But we do have the incredible ability to change ourselves – and this is wonderful because it brings the power back to where it needs to be – which is inside of us.

Our old painful stuff was our “normal” it was all we knew. That is until we get conscious. This generally happens when there is no other choice (such as N-abuse).

In the case of my own life, I had always felt misunderstood, not trusted and very unsupported as a child in times of emotional need. Things weren’t modelled to me in a way that I knew how to self-partner, self-soothe and feel whole.

I was the classic co-dependent from a very young age … feeling that what I did was never good enough to be loved, and I was always trying to win approval.

This carried on into my adult relationships. Initially I picked people who did love me without me having to win their love, and I pushed these people away because I could not trust or accept their love.

Then after lots of personal development and therapy, and when I decided I was healed enough to connect healthily, I started to choose critical, narcissistic partners who were demanding, never appeased and regularly delivered abuse.

And I clung to them – and the reason was, was because I had still not resolved and healed my inner wounds about being distrusted, misunderstood and unsupported and emotionally abandoned.

I conceptually knew about these wounds, but I had never released and replaced their energy imprints (this was before the days of Quanta Freedom Healing). Because of this, some of these wounds were still alive in my subconscious, playing out and causing these themes to replay in my life.

The warning signs had been present before … absolutely. But as the typical co-dependent I was too busy surviving in life, staying busy and distracted from my inner being when triggered.

I was too busy looking after “things that needed doing” or “other people”, and I had conveniently missed going inside myself to self-partner and really heal. Additionally I had believed healing was done at a cognitive logical lesson – and I thought that level was enough.

It wasn’t … and when not only the incredibly insane levels of being unsupported (thrown under a bus actually) by the narcissist happened, I was also devastated beyond measure to see the other supposed “support” systems in my life fall to pieces as well.

What was it showing me?

The truth was it could only have been in my experience and triggering me so horrifically if the wounds inside me were a match of EXACTLY the agony I was receiving.

These wounds: “I feel unsupported and unsafe in life”, “I feel unloved”, “ I feel unimportant”, “I feel betrayed”, “I feel mistrusted” etc. etc.

All these painful wounds were there – inside me. And now here they were being delivered from the outside as a huge great sledge hammer … everywhere I looked.

How perfect!

What a wonderful example of life happening FOR me and not TO me …

What better way to finally evolve beyond this to have no-one to rescue me or help me emotionally?

What better way than for this to happen when I was so smashed up emotionally that I could no longer go on with self-avoidance tasks that would grant me temporary props to not heal my inner stuff?

Now, finally … finally … there was no one left and nowhere to go except home to myself.

Thank you soul – you orchestrated it perfectly.


The Results of Working With the Truth

When I had my complete psychotic breakdown, I received an awakening which taught me the truth of all of this …

There is “no outside”.

And “there is no mistakes in what happens”, and all people including abusers are A.I.Ds in our evolution (Angels In Disguise).

So I worked with it – because even though I was still in incredible trauma (I hadn’t healed yet) I was conscious – I had woken up from the trance that had been rendering me powerless my entire life.

I knew there was only one person to work on – myself – and then the hologram of my life experience would reflect that.

Meaning the people capable of being on a level representing my own loving self-partnering would join me at that level, and the people who did not have the resources to be there would leave my experience.

As well as knowing I would have no emotional, mental or physical unfinished business with them anymore.

So I got to work – determined work … knowing everything relied on it.

But really I didn’t do this to get results. What I realised (as a part of my awakening) was the only thing I needed to focus on was healing my emotions, so that they would change.

I fathomed even if I couldn’t stop everyone turning their back on me – at least if I could feel better about it – and that had to be a bonus! Yet, at a deeper level I knew the shifts as a result of working with energy – e-motion (energy in motion) – in my own body could and would be profound.

When I dealt with the horror of not feeling supported, trusted, believed and loved in my own body with Quanta Freedom Healing, got those toxic wounds out and up-levelled to the organic feelings of love, wholeness and connection with myself – non reliant on anyone else providing it for me –  everything shifted.

And I mean everything.

The narcissist’s smear campaigns fell apart.

People who had believed him started making contact with me and apologised profusely.

My old indignant, conditional, judgmental self (which used to hold other people responsible for my own state of being) would have told them to take a leap for abandoning me in the first place.

However, I knew they had all played their parts as A.I.Ds, and I was grateful and happy to radiate love and accept them back in.

In fact, because of the shifts I had done in my own body I was able to develop deeper relationships with these people than I had ever had, even before this had happened.

The narc slipped up in front of my parents and they saw him with his mask off and realised everything I had been saying was true.

The same happened with my son.

The same with authorities.

I was able to finally break ties, and even though I had a horrible settlement (financial lessons and security fears had also been a big area of necessary evolution for me) I was able to focus on my healing, up-levelling and only have the gratitude that finally I had been able to, though these incredible experiences, come home to myself.

It changed everything for the better.


I Did Nothing!

I really want you to understand this – I did nothing to make this happen.

In fact I wasn’t even thinking about people “getting it” and understanding me.

That was NOT the focus at all.

What WAS my focus was feeling better about what was happening to me.

And I knew that meant cleaning up my wounding on this topic of “not being supported “and all its offshoots that was bringing it into my experience.

It had firmly become NOTHING to do with other people, and everything to do with what was going on inside of me.

And then, as a result of the inner work, I was able to unconditionally feel supported and whole between Life and myself even when there was still a ton of people deserting me!

THAT is when it all shifted.

And I realise when it shifted – I had NO need for it to!

That’s actually the only time anything shifts.

When we be it – it comes.

Meaning we be-come exactly what it is that we were previously seeking outside of us.

But we can’t do it for that purpose – and this is why the most powerful Thriver Orientation is: “I will clean up my wounding, make this all about Emotion First – and then what will be will be.”

I promise you I was not a special case in these results. These results are Quantum Law and they can’t happen any other way. Identical shifts happen for thousands of people in this Community every day.

But this is the catch – you need to recognise the soul lesson, you need to be grateful … you need to see it as evolution and that it is healing something that has not been healed until now.

And you need to drop all persecution, victimisation, anger and resentment towards the narcissist and anyone else persecuting you.

If you don’t, it’s like taking poison and expecting the other person to drop dead. And it means profoundly that you will miss the soul lesson, not evolve yourself and access the Quantum Field in the way that matches your evolution, and you will be doomed to the same lessons over and over until you choose to awaken.

Narcissists are simply wounded children in an adult body playing out dire unconsciousness. And at the bigger picture level they are a soul-contract, an A.I.D – one of your most powerful teachers, if not the most powerful – offering you the point blank experience of once and for all returning home to yourself.

And, if you can’t make the connection regarding the “evolution lesson” as a child (which you usually can), I promise that there are DNA wounds, and genetic wounds that maybe were never yours personally that you have taken on and which have played out.

(In fact the truth is all our wounding was originally imprinted on to us from unconscious others who received their own wounding in such a way. None of it was our own originally.)

Such is the power and intricacies of our subconscious that scientists such as Bruce Lipton, Joe Dispenza and Gregg Braden are exposing to the world.

And, how it is not until we self-partner and do the work directly in our subconscious, that we can heal ourselves at the Quantum Level.


My Greatest Recommendation

With this topic of trying to get people to support you – DON’T.

Heal the stuff inside you that is incensed, disappointed and devastated that they don’t.

Heal your support with yourself … and then I promise you – it will shift.

Unsupportive people will go – and those who have the capacity will rise. Support will start pouring in from everywhere – including situations and events as well as people.

Such is the reality when the topic of “support” is cleaned up in your subconscious.

Then people will want to hear about your experiences, and will want to understand narcissism – but that never happens when we are victims.

Because (please know this) victim energy is so repulsive and toxic – no-one wants to be around it! It is NO way to generate support, connection and love. It will only ever generate more feeling victimised.

When I became focused on healing and empowering myself I was not talking about narcissists and my ex as an “evil disgusting person” anymore. And I was not relaying my experience as a victim. People found it fascinating and as I did, realised how awful it is for anyone – narcissist or victim – stuck in unconsciousness believing their life is generated from the outside in instead of the inside out, with no way out.

All the blame, shame and finger pointing was gone – and evolution about consciousness was the topic which important people in my life gravitated to in droves.

Because it was soul food information.

And this happened when I had no need for anyone to “get” anything – because I had “got it” already. No longer was I seeking outer approval – I had it fully anchored within me on the inside from the only person I had ever required it from – myself.

I really hope this article has helped you if you are feeling unsupported.

I know this is a huge issue for people – and please if you are suffering from feeling unsupported, isolated and abused I’d love you to join in with my next 3 Keys To Thriving After Narcissistic Webinar.

Click here to sign up to this life-changing event.

I know intimately what it felt like to be suffering in agonizing pain, and wanting so badly for my friends and family to support me.

This topic is SO dear to my heart and I really hope this candid article has given you clarity and provided the steps you need to take to overcome this.

Please share any questions and comments you have in the comments section below, I respond to all of them.


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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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74 Thoughts on What To Do When Your Family and Friends Don’t Support You
    October 30, 2015

    Thank you for this article. I am going through this exact thing with both sides of my family thinking it’s all me and I am the crazy one that he is just to nice. I hope in time they will see him for what he is but as of now they are still fooled..and the new very quick girlfriend..they are even friends with her and I’m the one who lost out. This is very difficult to deal with and knowing I have never done anything in the past to make them distrust me.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 30, 2015

      Hi Amy,

      we feel we are powerless emotionally when our focus is on others.

      Just as this article talks about – the healing and focus needs to be on you – this is all happening for a reason.

      If you are ready to do that healing work my suggestion is to come into the next Webinar Group.

      Mel xo

      October 31, 2015

      I am dealing with this same thing, wanting people to get it. I understand exactly that I need to focus on healing myself but I don’t know how. I don’t understand how to heal my inner child’s wounds.

      October 22, 2018

      Amy, how are things now with your situation?

      I just found this blog. Wow. That’s all I’m going to say. Good advice and a hard road ahead should bring on some healing. I am dealing with someone whom I suspect is a narc husband. Basically, he lured me in with charm and laughter and was everything I thought I needed. Weeks into the marriage and I saw abrupt changes. I keep journals so as I look back to 4 years ago, it’s the same story over and over again. I’ve blamed myself this entire time for the change. He wasn’t physically or directly emotionally abusive towards me, but he was unempathatic, ignored me a lot, manipulative, controlling enough to make me feel like crap, and he would pout or seem deeply depressed if things weren’t going his way, or if I let him know how I was feeling about our relationship. He was never wrong and never apologized. Any of my wishes seemed to be ignored by him. He began to not compliment me or even look at my nude body as he had earlier in the marriage. Sex became all about him and his pleasure and left me to lie in the darkness with pent up energy as he rolled over to go to sleep. He would not sing with me in our truck but would sing in the church choir (I love to sing). Even when I grew my hair out for him and would suggest a hair cut for him that looked sexy, he’d say no, but would get upset w me if I said I was going to cut my hair. He would also expect me to make the move on him in bed and when I didn’t, he would tell me that he tried to drop hints that he wanted to make love. Blamed it on me. I could go on and on about how he controlled me. The list is long. Written words cannot even explain it.

      He never became furious outright except once when he wanted to do oral sex on me (he NEVER wanted to do that) and I wasn’t feeling real good about myself and asked if we could do it another time. I was soft and tender about it. That’s when I REALLY saw the possible narc come out of him. He was completely insulted! Yelled at me for it. He held it over my head for months and still does to this day. Scary.

      This summer, in June, I suggested that we separate or at least have some time apart. I told him, being honest, that I had lost love for him. As I look back, I see a huge shift in how he was towards me after that. He shut down completely on me. It got worse and finally, three weeks ago, he took something I said and ran with it, using it as an excuse to move out. It wasn’t anything that warranted him leaving. So he left and now we barely speak. He’s been coming to our house and moving things out when I’m not here. I asked him if it is the end for us and he always says he doesn’t know. He acts like such a victim! Like I did something terrible to him.

      I’ll tell you, since he left, my 9 year old daughter has been better behaved. My health has improved. That elephant sitting on my chest has left. I barely think about him, only to think what his next move might be. My family is very small so he has manipulated my grandmother into thinking he’s hurt and she won’t hear a word I have to say about it. That’s fine. Now I don’t tell her anything. I secretly roll my eyes at her when she mentions him or takes up for him. Lol. And I am very short and to the point when dealing with him. I’m not putting up with his bull any more. He might be saying awful things about me, but at this point, people know me well enough that hopefully they will think otherwise. I’m still downhearted about the whole ordeal, that I couldn’t make my second marriage work (my first was to a man who was later diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome…I felt like a failure then too.) A counselor once told me that because my parents were emotionally disconnected, I’d find men who were the same way. I thought this one was so right for me. Wolf in sheeps clothing. I could be wrong about him being a narc, but maybe not.

    Gayle Johnson
    October 30, 2015

    Hi and thank you for your wonderful blogs they help so much. I definitely have to cope with my Narc getting all Insundry onside with him. It is unbelievable and is the one thing I cannot get over. He even turned our Doctor against me and had the GP council him, our doctor told him to go and be Happy and said to me I may find this will be the best thing that ever happens to me. He didn’t help me in anyway I even had to beg to be sent to a councillor of my own after those comments. My Husband was so pleased with being told to go off he told everyone he had his doctors blessing. He now lives in the phillipines and comes Back every six months and goes to see this doctor. The doctor tells him to put me and his past behind him but my husband is now saying he can’t after 3yrs separation and the doctor instead of helping him says well you just have to she is not your problem. What do we do when there are doctors like this around? Bye the way this GP operates as a councilor he had done a corse and has the diploma on his wall. My family have said for my ex to go and see a real Councillor he thinks this doctor is GOD. I am 62 he is 68 and is now threatening suicide of course this is for attention he needs help,our daughters are worried about him. I am so fed up with it all. Xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 30, 2015

      Hi Gayle,

      we have no ability to control or change others – and how they do or don’t behave.

      But we have the absolute power to face and work through our emotional reaction to it all.

      Then, when we release and heal that, we discover “the stuff” is no longer in our face … truly.

      Inside you is the only place your power is.

      Not on focusing on what is happening, complaining about it and continuing to feed your energy to it, and generating anxiety about it.

      All of those acts only cement it into your experience deeper.

      Detachment and working on your own emotions is key. For you AND your daughters.

      You need to be the example, you need to lead the way.

      These articles are still relevant even though your daughters are adults. It’s all about how we can positively affect our future generations.

      Mel xo

    October 30, 2015

    The two sentences in your article that really resonated with me were:

    “So what this means is – if we need people to get it, support us and provide us with emotional support and understanding – we will NEVER get it.”

    “And you need to drop all persecution, victimisation, anger and resentment towards the narcissist and anyone else persecuting you.”

    The past year I’ve been working on coming to terms with the truths about me that created this relationship, as well as the two before that, each one progressively worse than the last. I have been, for the most part, isolated and alone while sorting things out. I handle this pretty well, except when I occasionally see the ex-narc still with the person he was cheating on me with during the entire relationship.

    I realized for the first time today, after seeing him with her again, that I am just going to have to get over the fact that he still gets to have her companionship and support, and also that she may be so hooked she will never leave him, and he may never have to experience any consequence, abandonment, or loneliness as a result of his actions.

    I think I have sort of been waiting (and hoping) for her to wake up and for karma to kick his butt and leave him in a heap abandoned and alone like he left me, before I let myself feel completely good again. It’s as if I have needed other people to first validate my feelings that what he did was wrong with their own response to him in order for me to feel good and whole.

    I know I need to completely release any lingering anger and resentment towards him, as well as learn to self-partner in order to meet my own needs. Sometimes I think I’ve gotten it, then I see him still getting support from her and everything I thought I got past flares up again.

    Any tips? Is it possible to ever completely get detach from the pain when you see the ex? It especially hurts since I am alone and trying to become a stronger person and then I see he still gets companionship from a woman he hurt and abused as much as he did me and then he does not have to face what he did alone and without support.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 30, 2015

      Hi Stacie,

      I know from your post that you have not yet engaged in the deeper inner work. You have been trying to recover logically – which means the deeper wounds that he / she is triggering for you are not being addressed.

      They can’t be addressed cognitively.

      Please come into my next Webinar Group to experience what I mean.

      Absolutely 100% you will not feel a thing when you have up-levelled your wounds that have created N’s as your soul contracts to heal.

      That’s what this is all about – releasing the parts of you that the N is being the messenger about (which fully includes him with the new person) and then there will be NOTHING left on it, I promise, and the pattern can be done with in your life.

      That’s the level that myself and thousands of other Thrivers are at in this Community. And, absolutely, once upon a time we couldn’t imagine being free of the pain either! If you have had enough and know it’s really time to find these wounds and heal them, then the Webinar Group is the next step.

      Mel xo

    October 30, 2015

    Hi Mel,
    Another fab article and one I can absolutely relate to. I too, was a classic co-dependent from very early childhood. I was programmed to believe that I alone, had the power to make my parents happy or sad, well or unwell, calm or angry. I believed that love was something that had to be earned, worked hard at, and that it was not durable or solid or lasting, so I had to keep topping it up, working hard to maintain it. What others thought of me was CRUCIAL. It was all that mattered, so when I became drawn to Narcs, and inevitably experienced their smear campaigns, I was devastated when others were turned against me. It was horrific to lose their love and approval, but I couldn’t see at the time, that it happened because I never had my OWN love and approval. The worst thing that could have happened to the unconscious me, was to be disliked and unpopular. But when it did happen, it was a miracle in disguise, although it had to happen several times before I ‘got it’. Like you Mel, I pushed away people whose love had no strings attached – it didn’t feel real, it felt boring and unimportant. It felt suspect…..I am ashamed to say I treated some very nice, very loving people very badly. I was conditioned to beg and plead for love, to jump through hoops and climb mountains to get it. When it was given freely, I didn’t think it was worth having. How true that the only relationship that matters is the one with ourselves, and its the only one we need to work on. You help people to do just that Me, I think its fantastic how you promote the healing of inner wounds, and the limiting beliefs we internalise as a result. There is no ‘out there’. We, and we alone project the pictures that show up on the screen of our lives. Thank you my dear xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 31, 2015

      Hi Syliva,

      I love it how you “nail it” and are so anchored in your body – in your power center doing the shifts there … with full 100% personal responsibility.

      “It was horrific to lose their love and approval, but I couldn’t see at the time, that it happened because I never had my OWN love and approval.”

      Is the total deal …

      Bless you dear lady! Loving your continual blooming!

      Mel xo

    October 30, 2015

    Thank you .thank you.
    5 mo into my divorce. Emotionally detached so not missing him in any way. That ship has sailed. Trying so hard to move on with my life & have peace for me and my kids but he refuses to allow it and just abuses and threatens me through his attorney now. He refuses to pay regular support which I am relying on right now until I get on my feet. A horrible form of control never knowing will I get some, any and when…even with court orders. Our 3 yr old is with him 3 8 hr days a week which kills me. Just a pawn to him. He has his sick group of supporters and his family. Puts on his good daddy image and lies and lies. I have no family and few friends nearby. People , including my lawyer, don’t get it. Its not just the years of narc abuse but he has done shady illegal activity I am trying to get proof on and notify the authorities about because I fear for our safety because of it. So with that all said, how do I move on. How do I let go of anger etc when I’m broke, trying to survive each day and fighting in court to get on my feet. I want to break free but the courts and my ex keep me down. I want to sell my house, start my business, etc and he holds the strings to allow me to. I’ve never been so exhaysted, depressed, moody, alone, unhealthy, etc. I don’t enjoy life because I’m not allowed to do anything nor do I have the means to. I feel so stuck. Where do I start? I can’t not fight in court. If it werent for my daughter I’d be long gone. How do you do both? Let go but fight?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 31, 2015

      Hi Andrea,

      the total truth of why this is playing out is this …

      Andrea does hanging on and fighting help? No … experience proves that time and time again.

      Go to any abuse forum and you will see the devastating results of trying that whilst still terrorised in victim chemicals on the inside.

      It is a powerless victim model.

      There is only one way to resolve this, which is detach and work on you.

      Initially it seems the most counter-intuitive thing to do, but once you start doing it for real, you realise how nothing else was ever going to work – and how powerfully this does.

      Please come into my next Webinar Group – to learn how to heal this

      Mel xo

      November 6, 2015

      I went through what you are experiencing now. With time and with patience, you get well. You will up-level…which means that you see that you are strong, smart, brave, wonderful, and powerful…a major threat to him. Your real self emerges, while your codependent traits melt away. He will try to penetrate any vulnerabilities you have left, but his actions are ineffective. Why? Because you have realized your gifts, talents and true/remarkable self. You have become: SuperWoman!

    Mary Jane Pederson
    October 30, 2015

    I cannot seem to access the webinar on Nov. 17th. I need it. When I realized he was going to kill me I filed for divorce and ran in 2009. Between his increased intent to destroy me, his manipulating everyone including adult children who once loved me to break the law and hurt me, a corrupt judge doing horrific illegal things and encouraging my crazy ex (blatant homicidal beneficiary intent with my life insurance policy the judge let him terrorize me with) who came onto my case to retaliate for my previous prevailing in a thug tactic eminent domain horror with my store, it has been like a gang-stalking nightmare from hell, Upper middle class to a judge making me homeless. Total destruction of everything and everyone I loved and held dear. I am back on my feet and so lost, so sad. 22 years of sobriety, so much prior work on recovery from my childhood abuse, as I got healthier, he got sicker. I am in a protected address program, he gets away with one criminal thing after another, I am scared to death for my kids. I ordered your program a few years ago, lost in my old laptop that died. I need to believe that the mobbing of me will stop like you say it will. I cannot keep living life in survival / terror mode. My facebook page out of Thornton, Colorado is filled with years of information I put on there, kept me feeling like I existed, a form of reaching out to my severely alienated , now in a form of shared psychotic disorder, kids. It may be time to let that go and I am so scared to do that.

    October 30, 2015

    ??Melanie, what would we do without ur amazing insight??? Really hate to think about it so I won’t??Thank u so much for sharing ur?journey & the essential keys to assist us to move forward! When those of us who have been (in ur terms) ‘smashed up emotionally’ it’s true to say – the devastating feeling of isolation is immensely painful. Having also shared the horrendous smear campaign which my ex had gr8 delight in winning over my ex-family members with – I simply had to let go! I was then faced with no other choice other than to work thru ur modules & make a commitment to both my chn & myself to continue my healing path. ?To all the b’ful NARC members – just remember u are no longer alone, we are a unique group! Important to remember we simply can’t expect others to understand Narc abuse – OMG how could they? Therefore focus on your own healing to set u free??

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 31, 2015

      Hi Maria,

      I am so pleased you have worked the NARP Modules and made it through to yourself.

      That’s wonderful, and you are so welcome 🙂

      Mel xo

    Sue Schierer
    October 30, 2015

    Dear Melanie,
    Your post today brought me my “aha” moment. Everything you wrote fit me to a “t.” To paraphrase your comment — holding on to my anger toward my narcissistic friend was like taking poison and expecting her to drop dead — gave me the exact message that I have needed for the past 3 years, and I am 75 years old! This narcissisist came into my life as a total surprise. She showed up in my hospital room following my life-saving emergency surgery. That was 25 years ago, and I didn’t break free of her until she called me 2 1/2 years ago, when she called me the day my brother died to scold me for not calling her to give her the news. She hung up on me as I began to tell her that I hadn’t called anyone, because he died in the middle of the night. I found out that she told her fellow workers that I refused to talk to her. I was so incensed that I called her office and threatened to have her fired. No supervisors were available, and I never followed through, but everyone in her inner circle turned on me. This same person repeatedly abused me for more than 20 years, ruined vacations that we took together, destroyed other relationships of mine, insulted my sons, and even tried to separate me from my loved ones. Just today, I finally feel that I can let go of this, thanks to your post. I am eternally grateful to you for baring your soul, and dedicating your life to helping those of us, who have suffered as you did.
    With much love and gratitude,

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 31, 2015

      Hi Sue,

      I am so pleased I can help you let go.

      Once we do the deeper work we relaise there was never more than one enemy .. and that enemy was on the inside all along.

      The AIDs were simply showing us that.

      This was never about your relationship with her, it was about the one between you and you.

      Bless and hugs.

      Mel xo

    October 30, 2015

    its funny, i never have the money to buy the program(s) when i read a blog that makes me want to. im sure theres some sort of reason for that but i havent figured it out yet…
    not quite sure how to uplevel to the point of finances being released to me when i cant get access to upleveling?
    i learnt with the spath that no one would support me so when i was ridiculed with the narc, i barely noted it. i REALLY need finances to stop being taken from me though, i need soooooome way to raise my kids, care for my dad with increasing dementia 4 states away & buy toilet paper and gas–i dont even want rent money, am sleeping on the floor with my 2 kids–for the last 2 yrs. i am 50 and poverty has been with me since i was early 30s. having rent money is unfathomable to me now. even just flippin rent money!
    if i think too long about my destitution the past TWO yrs now, i lose it.
    i am at a loss.
    i can even dream about the narc n in my dream feel kind of numb twd him. i am utterly numb about the spath.
    n yet, i still am at a loss.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 31, 2015

      Hi Helene,

      we do offer sponsorship to people who can’t afford the small monthly NARP repayments.

      Please email for details.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      December 8, 2015

      Dear Helene

      You may be able to get some help (for rent, utilities, food, & necessities) from your local Red Cross. I heard of a single mom that did this on a regular basis when she didn’t have money for heat, rent, and things her children needed. I think they are especially sensitive about children going without.

      Its worth a try…. and maybe contact some other agencies. Don’t despair… see what help may be available.

      Wanting the best for you,

    October 30, 2015

    Thank you for this post. I was in tears and feeling completely lost and heart broken as I started to read it and now have become calmer. I am right in the middle of all the things you posted that have happened to you and feel totally abandoned. My life over the past few years of working at this relationship, have just fallen apart after finding out what partner has been saying to friends and family, about me being crazy etc. but only telling one side of the story, not the whole picture! Even pulling my 11y son into it! Its going to be a tough few months but I know I have to change the situation. Thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 31, 2015

      Hi Jenny,

      I am so pleased it helped.

      Please consider coming into the next Webinar Group to understand and do the deeper and real inner work on this.

      It would help you so much … and of course your son’s future.

      Mel xo

    October 30, 2015

    Thanks Melanie,

    “Victim energy is so repulsive and toxic – no-one wants to be around it! It is NO way to generate support, connection and love. It will only ever generate more feeling vic….”

    The other day when feeling so anxious I did an uplevel, and all in a sudden I felt my mother’s hurt which she most of my childhood had placed on me, without wanting to, I am sure, but her pain through me was such a surprise to realise. I had loving parents but conditionally from my mother, and my father whom I adored was my mum’s abuser. Took me ages to see it – anyway, thanks to you Melanie with your precise statements, I feel so grateful to you.
    Love from me in Denmark

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 31, 2015

      Hi Winnie,

      I am so pleased you are up-levelling and continuing to break free.

      You are doing a wonderful job.

      Lots of love to you too.

      Mel xo

    October 30, 2015


    Rick Burch
    October 30, 2015

    This is like reading an biography of my own life, to a great extent. Thanks.

    Angela Root
    October 31, 2015

    Hey Mel,

    You may have already addressed this, but how do you ever get over the shock of the continued attacks?
    I practice no contact despite the custody agreement, communicate through my attorney exclusively, and refuse to be bated by the kids when they make their “reports”.
    I practice mindfulness and have found great peace from this. I’ve forgiven my narc and am even grateful for what the relationship has forced me to up level.
    So where does the shock come from? I do continued inventory of my feelings in response to his attacks and am able to bounce back faster and stronger. It’s the initial shock that stumps me.

    Thanks and much love.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 31, 2015

      Hi Angela,

      that is what the entire premise of my work is – the inner work of the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program.

      Up-levelling ourselves emotionally to get free of all of this.

      This is work that is not done at the logical level – it is much deeper, and much more effective.

      Come into the next Webinar Group to understand and workshop these methods.

      Because its only when we heal the corresponding wounds from within our subconscious that the shock and the triggers stop, as well as the outer attacks.

      Mel xo

    October 31, 2015

    Thank you for this article. It is inspiring to hear someone else tell what is essentially your own “story” , but with a “happy ending” of healing and hope. It encourages me to continue with the NARP program with which I have experienced a lot of healing; I just have a long way to go and a lot that needs to be healed.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 31, 2015

      HI Jana,

      I am glad this inspires you – and yes keep going … there is nothing else to do!

      Mel xo

    October 31, 2015

    So need to face this one…
    It’s gripping
    It’s suffocating
    On a daily basis
    Thank you for being a guiding light

      October 31, 2015

      Me too Kay. I also feel grateful for Melanie, her work and her guidance. The only friends I have left are long ago friends. My family, church and local friends have all abandoned me. They believe the NARC who artfully weaves intricate detailed stories including made up psychologists who supposedly advised him that I am the crazy one. My NARC sends out copious emails to his posse to gain Narcissistic Supply. They write back and rave about what a wonderful dad he is, how supportive he is to our son and empathize with him about the horrible person he married. It’s horrific, gripping and suffocating on a relentless 24 hour schedule until you heal those inner wounds. Forgiving these people and releasing the anger was important to me and brought great relief. After all, it isn’t their fault. Coming home to yourself is the only way to go.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 31, 2015

      Hi Kay,

      its an evolutionary opportunity – that’s how you need to claim it, and then do the work.

      Then the pain will go.

      Mel xo

    October 31, 2015

    You have saved my life and certainly changed my life for the better and I don’t know if I would be where I am today without the resources you provide to help people sort out their emotions as they move through a very difficult situation. My journey began with the realization that it takes two to play this game. I knew that I could not change him, but I could certainly fix myself. By chance I stumbled onto your blog when seeking support in resolving co-dependency issues and began journaling through Thirty Days to Self-empowerment which helped me to set personal goals and move toward deeper levels of self-love, integrity, and self-sufficiency, and to consider for the first time, that I could self-soothe and become my own best friend.
    I’m not the type of person to order self-help stuff off the internet, but your Recovery Program was a God-send as I moved through a difficult separation and divorce. It was extremely helpful in keeping my mind focused on my goals and off the nonsense that was playing out around me, and sometimes in my mind.
    Concerning this topic today…absolutely true. Armed with the knowledge that he would certainly smear me, tell outrageous lies about me, and play the victim (which he did)…I resolved early on that what he said, and did, was none of my business and to instead focus on my own integrity, staying true to my goals, and loving and supporting my children through the process. It seems counter intuitive to disengage, doesn’t it? But, I found approaching each and every onslaught with grace and dignity was the most useful tool to help others understand what was really going on.
    I am so happy to say that I have reached and exceeded all the goals that I set form myself last year and am free, living independently, and enjoying a deeper and more loving bond with my children. Tonia, everything you say has come to pass and yes, it’s very true that though I would never choose to relive this wretched experience, it has been the force that moved me to become the person I always wanted to be. I have wanted so long to thank you, Tonia but in the thick of it, it felt so difficult to put into words. But, now, thank you! You have such a gift for articulating a nebulous confusion and stating it in a way that is clear as day. I wish you always the best and consider you with love beyond measure.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 31, 2015

      Hi Barbara,

      I am so thrilled you have done the work – and are reaping the rewards of what an up-levelled life is!

      And I adore how this is being radiated into your children!

      This is how our world can change beyond description – at our generation.

      So much love back to you Barbara.

      Mel xo

    October 31, 2015

    I want to thank you for all you have done to help me and many others through narcissist abuse. I have read a lot of your articles for months now and deep down I I believe in what your saying in that its within ourselves to heal ourselves and to stop focusing on being a victim. the part about angels in disguise helps me get out of that victim state ofmind and think that my higher power is working in my life. I want the kind of life that takes away this codependancy. I feel I have started this healing process many times but have only gotten a couple of weeks into it and I find myself sucked back in with my ex narc knowing exactly what’s going to happen, how long it will take to be discarded and how much more painful it’s going to be this time. Why do we do this to ourselves? Thank you for your article on not getting support from family and friends. I really needed that one.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 31, 2015

      Hi Rhonda,

      have you taken you healing to a transformational level (working directly in your subconscious) rather than informational (trying to do it logically).

      The results are Universe’s apart, and if you haven’t done the work deeply inside you it is very hard to get traction.

      If that is the case please come into this next Webinar Group.

      It will make a world of difference.

      Mel xo

    October 31, 2015

    Thanks for your clarification. I’d been confiding in my daughter. She began talking with my brother and he began influencing her. I decided to not try and explain anymore because I can see what is happening. The support I get on this site is invaluable.

    October 31, 2015

    Dear Mel,
    Thank you, once again! Ever since I embarked on my journey with your Quanta Freedom Healing, I have worked on up-leveling the wounds of my past in order to heal.

    After months, and I mean months, of work, the shift has come!! I just read your blog, and all those feelings you wrote about were once my reality…just as you described for yourself, I felt as well…

    But I have felt the shift…after all my hard work with your NARP, I finally get it…I never really needed healing in the first place…I just needed to clear out all the junk in order to be connected to Source…

    Thank you for sharing your wisdom, light and love!
    In humble gratefulness…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 31, 2015

      Hi Mary,

      I am so thrilled for your breakthrough, and kudos for you in doing the work!

      Bless 🙂

      Mel xo

    October 31, 2015

    Thanks Melanie, this is an issue that came up in my life this year, being all alone with no support this made me realise that I need to heal that and be my own support. And the part “As well as knowing I would have no emotional, mental or physical unfinished business with them anymore.” really resonated with me.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 5, 2015

      Hi Sandy,

      that is so wonderful that you accepted what Life was showing you – the necessity to self-partner and heal.

      That is great you are on this path, and wonderful that it resonated with you 🙂

      Mel xo

    October 31, 2015

    This is artical is GREAT!! I truly felt like I was going crazy!!
    For 25 years I was married to my narc, never knowing what I was going to say or do that was wrong.
    Then 8 months ago he left for someone at work. Telling his family and our friends I was not giving him what he needed emotionally so it was all poor him. Even my children were siding with him.
    I have no family so I know all about being alone and just like this artical his family and our friends are siding with him even though some have seen him in action. It’s the craziest thing!! I want support so bad and some will let me vent but none are truly helping me.
    Just like others have said, I’m trying to work on myself but when I know he’s with her or they are together with my kids my horrible feelings come back and I don’t like feeling like this.
    So “Get It” means let my felling towards him, new GF, his family & our friends go and only think about myself and be happy alone??

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 5, 2015

      Hi Cindy,

      I am glad that this article helped you.

      Our healing Cindy is all about coming inside our own bodies and doing the work on our original wounding that the narcissist is triggering profoundly.

      It is not just something we can “logically” decide to do.

      There is soooo much more to it.

      Please come into my next webinar group so that all of this can become clear to you.

      Mel xo

    November 2, 2015

    Melonie’. sylvia’. i lost what i wanted to say. now i can say this’. you got your inner love together . i see a counsler and shrink for years on medication (lexapro/ suboxone/ nuvigil for sevier central sleep apnia. i mention narsissistic people to my doc and counsler a lot but why they dont seem to get it i dont no. my counsler trys hard to get me to meditate and i don’t seem to get it much but starting maybe just a little. and maybe that is why i don’t really love my self. going to church seems to not make any changes weather i love my self or not !! l.o.l. like you say i got to have it… i guess i now do not feel to well about what i did to a narrsissist wene the person walked in to the supper market i was shopping at. i saw the narsi- that hurt me very badly . soooo i with about 100 people in the store i ran up to the microphone at the front desk and grabed it and spoke over the store saying custamers please be advised that a narisissit had come in side the store and lori the nars gave me a grave look. i did not get in to trouble . i heard other people say im getting out of here more like a joke. i want to join you but i am afraid to heal. thanks soo much may be my dome brain got a little bit of how your trying to help. i play piano have a small studio at home. and lost soooo much music understanding .

      November 2, 2015


    Debbie Sandhurst
    November 3, 2015

    This feels like a welcome pep talk to keep me moving in the right direction. I am working on up-leveling, feeling the feelings and letting them go. It’s so challenging to open up to the idea of this all coming from within me and seeing those who I would blame as A.I.D. But, I understand that it is absolutely the truth. My episodes of sadness and are fewer and fewer. I can begin to imagine the freedom that will be mine in the end. If not for the pain, I would never have begun this journey. I have a lot of work ahead of me. But, I will get there.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 5, 2015

      Hi Debbie,

      I am so glad this information is helping you connect to the truth – which always equals our freedom.

      I know what you mean re how “hard it is” … that is how it feels at the start … until we can just lovingly claim ourselves knowing that the “dysfunctions” were so instilled and passed on to us (look at our world and programming) … and therefore what hope did we have?

      Certainly none if we remained asleep in victim paradigms – because how fruitless is it to try to change other people in order to have a great life?

      Ridiculously dis-empowering!

      The great thing is now we have more than hope – we are awakening – and that is profoundly exciting!!!

      Kudos to you for doing so! Because that always means “Welcome home to your true power and True Self!”

      This is a true cause for celebration – even if there is lots of work to do …

      Mel xo

    November 3, 2015

    Hi Melanie. How is then the no contact rule viewed from this perspective? Then if we need to go no contact we are making all about them? Not us.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 5, 2015


      I’m really not sure how disconnecting from someone and saying “Not MY Reality Anymore” is making it all about them?

      Would that be like “Heroin is bad for me – so I won’t take it anymore” making it all about heroin?

      I would have thought shooting up and continuing to stay addicted to heroin is making it all about heroin.

      Mel xo

    narc abused
    November 3, 2015

    its funny
    narcissistic abuse is THE fundamental evil
    and one is supposed to heal by self….wow. reality. brutal.
    and few actually get what it means to heal.
    and fewer ever get what narcissism actually is. none
    as far as getting any outside understanding….forget it.
    one forgets if one gets human life….no one becomes a victim on purpose
    people are victimized. knowingly deliberately wantedly. pure and simple.
    your article is technical. healing if one indeed gets it is purely technical.
    as much damage that much healing….no guarantees. for its only technical.
    but your article is right…others are of no use. greater trauma !!!!!!!
    no one can help the self. except the self which has lost itself

    November 5, 2015


    Your emails and articles have helped me understand that I am not alone in this journey. I was married to a man for 20 years who was a pastor and had numerous affairs I was not aware of. We share three children and divorced two years ago after I found out about a third affair. (There were many others, I just didn’t know). This person who I thought was trustworthy and the love of my life, is a narcissist. An actor, a con artist. One who fooled thousands of people in churches and workplaces. He has done everything he can to make me miserable and I have spent years trying to climb out of the black hole that was life with him. He now does all he can to turn my kids against me even though they know I love them and being a mom has been the most wonderful part of my life. I have lost many friends, my home, my credit, and certainly my self dignity as I have separated myself from him. I just wanted you to know that I read these emails and appreciate your insight. This journey of healing is one I think continues for a long time.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 5, 2015

      Hi Lynn,

      I am so sorry you have been through so much.

      However the trajectory of losses and pain can end no matter what you have been through.

      Please come into my next webinar group to learn deeply and profoundly how it can end.

      The real work goes way further than just these articles.

      Mel xo

    Larry R
    November 5, 2015

    Great article Mel. I really enjoy your youtube videos as well. Hearing your stories makes such a big difference and seeing you on the videos is inspiring. I have been to different therapists, maybe its my bad luck and its understandable in their line of work I suppose but they were all rather bitter and serious and low energy and unhappy. I thought back today and its no wonder the therapy sessions didn’t heal me. Its nice to have a life coach that has the life experience and who beams positive energy. Its great for a therapists to be walking the walk and not just talking the talk. xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 5, 2015

      Hi Larry,

      than you for your lovely comments.

      It is a huge orientation of mine to be authentic, to do the work and up-level myself constantly.

      It is a life passion to be happy, emotionally free and continually expansive. Which in short is to eternally free myself of pain / fear /judgement to become more love / authenticity.

      Its a matter of leaving “hell” behind to live in “heaven”.

      I believe, for all of us, we need to understand we cannot lead to where we are not going.

      So much of people’s orientations is: I need to try to fix everyone else but I am not fixing myself.”

      Such a huge trap of co-dependency that has led our planet to so much pain.

      No more to that I say!

      Mel xo

        Larry R
        November 5, 2015

        I have learnt that uplifting is not just a temporary skill but a lifetime skill. And what a skill to have for emotional people like myself. Even looking at photos of my kids makes me so emotional, we are so much closer now. My mother had a tough upbringing and my father left when I was 2. I’ve never believed in religion and never really looked up to anyone. So you are like my first role model and I’m sure there are many others who feel the same. Bless you Mel, You’re Amazing!

    November 7, 2015


    Im going to be in New Zealand on the date of the webinar. Will I be able to still access it? I know they are two hours in front at the moment.
    I so need help at the moment as my narcissistic husband has literally dumped me and suddenly left me only three weeks ago.
    I know I must be driving everyone mad with needing desperate support from them and I know I am telling them way too much!

    Lynn G.

    November 23, 2015

    Well now…Lisa wrote on Oct 31st ” forgiving these people, releasing the anger, after all it isn’t their fault”.
    I thought my head would spin off my shoulders for a minute. It is his fault. His mean words, actions,
    the stabs, the contempt. And the way family and friends rally around him. Where is everyone?
    It is his fault. It is his fault. But then…a light went on. Yes, of course they were his words and actions. It was his intent. To harm. Me, and our daughter. Unforgivable.But it was only done by him. It is his weight to carry. His responsibility. Not mine. So, as I carried it, with anger and resentment,
    it didn’t make it any less his fault. Nor anymore his fault. But it is time to give back his responsibility to him. Too heavy anyway. It is not mine, but his. I guess this is a hook that Melanie mentions.What he said, says, did, does is all him. Not me at all. Only the messenger. For which I am grateful.

    November 29, 2015

    I have been coping with a narc mother my entire life, and up until 5 yrs ago never knew the term.
    It was validating and liberating to learn the term.
    That this is real.
    That people get it.
    It was like a light being turned on.
    Fast forward, I am able to uplevel when not interacting with her, but find myself having to shield myself and son from her constant unrelenting character assassination.
    My son is 9 and does not understand Grandmas illogical behaviour.

    It is crazy making to rationalize irrational behaviour.
    My step father has been manipulated over 25 yrs and now he too has turned on me, leaving me without any family love and support.

    How does one interact with such incomprehensible and futile mindsets?

    The isolation , alienation and false accusations are enough to keep me bonkers and off balance indefinitely, and it saddens me to realize that many people have suffered this same fate.

    Thank you for offering hope from this ongoing devastation.
    I feel like the whole world is against me, which I logically know is untrue.
    How do we transcend this pain without feeling victimized?

    December 8, 2015

    Thank you, I am right in the throws of this. I left a week and 1/2 ago. I don’t think my narc is talking to my family, but they think he is a pretty swell guy. I have begged my family to read articles, explaining that I desperately need validation. It has made my ptsd worse. I’m going to try things your way now:) On my way to read more of your blogs. Thank you, again:)

    December 13, 2015

    Hi Melanie,
    I left my N husband aka my A.I.D. about 7 weeks ago. I have done well with no contact. I did a great job of fleeing my home and have done a great job of not being found by him. I’ve disconnected from all people that may link him to me. I have completed 3 nights of Module 1 work as I signed up for the Gold program as soon as I could. I’m definitely going IN like never before…AND…I’m being triggered by my wounds lately. Tonight, I will go out to dinner for my best friends 60th birthday. There will be a couple of ladies at the table who know my husband. I’ve been feeling scared that I will be asked to explain why I left such a wonderful, handsome, wealthy, sweet, funny. lovable guy. I know from experience that it is futile to try and explain my position. After reading your article, I am CLEARLY reminded that the only one that I need to answer to is my inner child who is screaming for me to explain to her why I left such a wonderful, beautiful, sweet, funny. lovable girl!!! Writing this helped me get my priorities straight. Thank you for your continued guidance Melanie! Signing off and going IN. Ava 🙂

    January 12, 2016

    Anyone who knows what this is like and has faced it and understands the amount of work involved please show compassion. Only kind words please. I only wish to stay with it for the sake of my child. Otherwise there is no hold. I’ve done my work. Doesn’t stop him from putting on an appearance and putting my child at risk. Thank you… Love life and mind body connected… Keep staying awake
    I am working and trying hard

    January 14, 2016

    I agree with this to a certain extent. One does have to refocus the love and energy to oneself. I don’t know if I would go so far as to say that we should thank those who have enabled the narcissist to trash another person, including ourselves. Maybe thanking the universe for the opportunity to see what we need to fix but, how to fix it? I’m not saying necessarily condemning those who took the narcs side, myself I’m a bit glad an old best friend of mine an also his (how we met) took his side or else I would worry about him. I’m not one to levy up an army on either side, or endorsing it. I prefer folks who have the ability to stand and say openly to both parties what they see. I don’t want anyone kissing my tush but one friend who we were all one group pointed out to me in a rational way my attitude, and also without taking sides or starting a terrible engine of gossip said to me,”He didn’t treat you right, so there was backlash.” He also pointed out how I wanted to take on all of he blame “in my perfectly good Jesus outfit,” and what was I going to do? Live in the past like a 40 year old prom queen? Or become a sad statistic floating in the ether (I was suicidal). Her letter to me and knowing that she is a perfectly good person who didn’t jump on bandwagons but is a perfectly straight shooter was relieving to me. This is someone I believed her word more than hose who even completely had my back…which I am not infalliable. I didn’t want to fall back into or want enabling to fall back into my ways of dealing that where old and out of date and caused more problems than they solved. What she said to me meant the world to me.
    I see what you are saying and I do agree with pointing out of the wounds that may or may have not been there before. I too regressed and for fear of abandonment would end up on bonnets of cars too soo afraid he was going to leave me. To this day until the final discard and noticing the malice he had towards me, mixed with I love yous, promises to see me, only to flip on me like a bomb, like he was “the all knowing” instead of having a mutual conversation. I think one conversation he had with me or statement actually sums it up. He said to me,”You are the only one I can talk to, who really understands me, but…I finally figured out I’m smarter than most people!”

    Dissect that one…holy lord. I thought this is how he has always thought of me. In need of guidance, ect….which pointed a wound to me even during my decade long relationship. I wanted that nurturing and solidness but I often found it condescending….like I wasn’t an equal and often lamented, I wished he was into my world as much as I was into his because I loved his. I guess I was afraid to fully fall into mine…afraid. I was afraid.

    My point is, I understand your point. I believe life has overarching stories that in the worst circumstances show once what needs to be healed.

    Am I missing something? I’m sorry and I hope his isn’t coming off rude, I love and recieve a lot from your posts. I just want to make sure it doesn’t have the reverse affect of stuffing those feelings that feel natural because where do we go from here?

    Megan Zopf
    November 26, 2016

    This is not the first time I read this post. I am even a member here and understand what this is all about. I never wanted to look at the pain or do any of the inner work until now realizing that by me not doing the work, I am dragging out the agony verses healing and having a life. This is so difficult to do but me knowing what you went through, I believe that I can be free and have the life I deserve. I can’t stop crying. It’s your words hitting the core of me feeling every bit of the pain. I finally stopped running from it. I am going back to your modules and doing the work. Thanks Mel

    December 1, 2016

    Thank you so, so, so much for sharing your experience in both the abuse and healing. Very much helping the feeling of lacking support – feels like I’m the only person in the world who sees what happens sometimes.

    Gives me so much hope reading all of this. I’ve run into an issue with a “friend” Narcissist who I share many mutual friends with. She’s been pursuing every group event in order to try to encounter me since I’ve gone full no-contact. I’m still very raw and feeling a lot of pain and just want to cower at the thought of being in the same room with this person.

    I’ve avoided a few gatherings so far and am starting to receive questions from shared friends – see if I’m alright, etc. I’m struggling to find the words in my reply, I have thought this through so many times and felt so right about my decision to go no-contact, knowing there would be a smear campaign.

    Are there any responses you’d recommend? My main goal is to be neutral throughout this and to not instigate any kind of drama.

    Many thanks and so much appreciation for your offerings!

    January 8, 2017

    Hi Melanie,

    I found your article after finding out moments ago that I have just lost my friends due to a narcissistic smear campaign against me. I set a boundary against narcissistic abuse and welp, here I am being “punished” for it.

    Your article is great and was exactly what I needed – a reinforcement that life goes on and will be ok. I feel good about putting myself and my needs first (instead of feeling guilty as i have in the past.) Life always has lessons for us, and i appreciate you putting your words out here to help myself and others.

    Cheers from California,

    July 23, 2017

    Thank you so much for this blog. When I read the words on the Facebook post accompanying this…about it being so important for people to be believed…I felt the pangs of hurt rip through my gut.
    It hurt so much when friends and a whole church didn’t believe me but my biggest crash came when my own children (adults) rejected me. I spent many days and nights laying on the floor in absolute agony.
    Fast forward a couple of years and I know its the best thing that could have happened. The hurt I felt when seeing this post shows I’m still healing but I felt comforted to be reminded that those most dear and close to my heart, my children, have set in motion a connection to a deep inner knowing that just gets more and more every single day!
    My outside circumstances are gradually changing as I connect and heal…showing me exactly where I’m at.
    Thank you Melanie for being there, thank you for giving so much.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 25, 2017

      Hi Ali,

      its my pleasure 🙂

      I am so sorry you have been through such a hard time Dear Lady.

      It is wonderful that you have turned inwards and are healing.

      It is so true – so within so without – as you heal so will all the circumstances.

      Keep up the great work.

      Mel xo

    October 8, 2017

    I came across this article tonight in search of how to let go of my family (and my husband’s) taking sides with my narcissistic sister-in-law (my husband’s brother’s wife).

    I started counseling a week ago for this issue and was disappointed at how scattered the session went. After reading your article, I know exactly how to approach my coming appointment and what I need to work on.

    Thank you for taking your time to write about this and educate those of us who have no idea how to navigate through our issues with narcs.

    March 3, 2018

    My trauma started in infancy and the dominant feeling is that I am overwhelmed, overloaded, highly sensitive and don’t have the resources to handle this world on so many levels. I have studied about trauma-informed treatments and apparently “ramping up the emotion” is not advised for my type of infancy trauma because overwhelm is common and dissociation follows and then I’m numb and it’s hard to connect with any emotions. I understand the concept of getting out of victim-mode and cognitively I am getting a better outlook about my circumstances (which are exactly as you describe with all relationships eventually reflecting neglect and abandonment), but emotionally, not so much, it’s hard to feel that the process is real and I feel like I am faking it most of the time, in my head, telling stories, rather than in the real emotion. It’s hard to believe and experience that life can be a supportive place to be, but I have gotten away from abuse and am facing that I am entirely on my own now.

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