Melanie Tonia Evans

10 Lessons Learned From Being Married To A Narcissist

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 9
52
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

Being married to a narcissist taught me so much about myself, life and relationships that nothing other than being married to a narcissist could have taught me.

Little did I know that the greatest crash-course I could imagine to the evolution of myself would be the by-product of being married to a narcissist – forever cleaning up my previous false beliefs that hadn’t been serving me.

I finally gave up being a victim and took on the Thriver Way of personal responsibility – self-partnering, finding and releasing my wounds and growing up my under-developed Inner Identity parts up.

That is when I broke free from the abuse and my True Life and happiness began.

 

1) The More You Try to Change Someone to be Happy the Unhappier You Become

My life when I was married to a narcissist used to be based on “conditional love”. This was the model of living life from the outside in, instead of the inside out.

I used to believe that unless you – the person who is upsetting my life – changed then there was no hope of me being happy. Or feel safe, or fulfilled, or successful (the list went on and on).

After narcissistic abuse and healing these parts of myself, which used to assign other people as the “generator of myself”, I realised that I have no power (or right) to change others to make myself happy.

Being with a narcissist also woke me up to the knowing that it just didn’t work anyway.

That job, as an adult, is mine and mine alone and is done by making myself safe, fulfilled and happy and then choosing and generating a relationship that healthily matches that – and leaving alone those that don’t have the resources to.

 

2) You Are a Target For Abuse When You Believe Your Life is Subject to Someone Else Providing it For You

Even though I was outwardly capable and confident, my real “normal” was that I doubted my ability to survive on my own. I always had this inner anxiety of feeling unsafe, insecure and incapable of backing myself, speaking up, having boundaries or being able to fully provide for myself.

And because it was my “normal” I didn’t really understand that I was like this – I didn’t know any other way to be.

That was until I experienced how much abuse I was willing to endure win my narcissistic marriage, rather than let go and lose what I believed was “my dream partner” and “my dream life” . I was terrified of being on my own with the fear of being empty, insecure and lost again; I really believed “without a man I am nothing.”

So much of my necessary healing and development was to confront all of those parts of me and heal them up to the level of solidness to know that I was a Source of love, approval, security and survival to myself.

Then I learnt to love life, and become fully my own radiant, successful self … so that no longer would I make needy and dependent choices with people who abused me.

I also discovered that now I could be a whole person sharing life, instead of being someone trying to get a life via another.

 

3) Someone Who Doesn’t Support Your Happiness is Not Your Life Partner

There were times when I was married to a narcissist that I pursued the things that made me happy – without expecting him to provide them for me. These times were met with great resistance, hostility and punishment.

This would often incite him into “tit for tat” behavior, retaliating by doing something to me that he knew would let me down or hurt me – simply because he was not able to be the center of attention if I took my attention elsewhere.

I would capitulate to try to appease him and minimise the punishment. I gave up my Identity in many areas of my life to try to save the marriage and myself from his rages – but really I saw him as more of my Source than myself. I thought if I lost him that I may not get someone to love me or provide me with a life again.

Now I know this: we have to be ourselves to a) be authentic and “full”, and b) to be true love and be lovable and loving to others.

If we are with someone who does not love us being fulfilled, happy and “full” then they are not the right person to be having a relationship with.

 

4) If You Are Not Sure About Your Rights You Are Easily Talked Out of Them

Point blank, whilst being married to a narcissist I was wishy-washy about my rights, and as a result I was easily guilted out of wanting my own rights, my own interests and certain aspects of my own life.

He was able to convince me that his model of love and relationships was wiser, more reasonable and healthier than what mine was.

We repeat what we know.  I had come from a family where women used to gravitate around what their men decided, and had little independence or direction for themselves.

Because I was not shored up on what a healthy inter-dependent relationship looks like or how to be a healthy woman in my own body, as an equal partner, rather than a still broken inner child seeking a parent to control me … I didn’t stand up.

Now I do know and what this means is having rights and healthy independence, including trust and space for my interests. This is totally the credo I live by and anything else would be not negotiable.

 

5) You Receive What You Tolerate

When I was married to a narcissist, I used to think I wasn’t taking the abuse lying down. I would fight back, I would argue … I lectured … I prescribed.

I went over and over and over the fundamental core values that he should have had and was certainly not applying.

I felt like I was a parent trying to get a young child to act and operate decently.

In short, there was no way I thought I was tolerating this behavior by speaking up about it.

But I was still there. I was staying. I was tolerating it. And no matter what I said, declared or argued the message was, “I am staying, I accept this”.

This meant I kept receiving the abuse.

He didn’t have to change, nothing had to change – because that was my every day reality.

As it turned out he couldn’t and was never going to change. What needed to change was me …  and now as a result of my own purposeful healing and evolution, I would not tolerate behavior like that ever again.

Because of this, I have graduated, it never again comes into my reality – only respect and decency does.

 

6) When You Make Excuses and Ignore Your Inner Voice – You Are Living a Lie

I used to think my life was about what I thought it should be or could be … yet all the time my emotional self was screaming in agony.

While being married to a narcissist my inner world was falling apart and I was losing the ability to function. Yet I thought if I could just do this or that, or if he could just stop doing this or that and do this or that instead, then everything could again be the version I believed it had to be.

Now as a lover of Quantum Realities, this I know point blank – our Inner Being which is connected to the enormous vibrational ecological system of Life doesn’t get it wrong.

If we are in pain we are living in “Wrong Town”. If we are durably at peace and inspired, we are on the right track.

If we are living a lie – not only does our Inner World fall apart – so does our Outer Life. We are being evicted from this path, to let go, heal ourselves, and then start connecting to a life that will genuinely resonate with our soul.

That is when we fill with lifeforce and glow.

 

7) You Can’t Let Go Until You Heal What Was Needed to Heal

There were so many times when I believed I had it straight enough in my head to leave him and stay away.

Conceptually I knew that this marriage to a narcissist was destroying me on every level and the only way to survive was to leave.

Yet, something would always pull me back in. I would be triggered into such torment and pain that I would come up with excuses as to “why” I should accept his hoovering attempts, or try to reconnect myself.

And there were even times when I knew what I was making up as the excuses didn’t hold weight, because things always returned to the same abusive cycles. Yet, I felt so lonely, empty and low and the urges were so strong to reconnect, that I would give in anyway.

The truth was I felt like a drug addict licking some crumbs of the ground, the urge was so compelling to keep connected to him. I had lost all respect for myself.

What I didn’t know at the time was that these urges of “love” to reconnect had nothing to do with love. Rather, they were unhealed parts of myself hooked onto him, which were not going to stop being hooked until I turned inwards to heal and love them back to wholeness instead of trying to hold him responsible for healing them.

Of course he was not the healer of my wounds, he was the messenger of them.

Once I got the message, turned inwards and committed to being my own parent / savior / lover / healer then all urge to connect with him vanished for ever.

 

8) You Have to be Willing to Lose it All to Get it All

At first the thought of letting go of my marriage to a narcissist – losing what I had worked so hard to achieve all of my life and starting again was terrifying.

And I was losing the dream on so many levels – I would have to be alone again, single again, broke again. Effectively everything that I thought had been my life, including connections, business and friendships were now smashed to pieces.

As was my health.

I had already lost it all, there was really nothing else to lose. And I now know that was “perfect” in relation to the plan my soul and Life had for me.

When we are in the wrong life, on the wrong track, in the wrong beliefs and thinking “this or that” is what our life is really about whilst not listening to the truth of Inner Being – we lose.

And we are supposed to.

It is like the product of all of that gets swept away to make space for what is real to start organically be created in our life from the bottom up.

My life turned from the outside in focus to an inside out one. Starting with devoted service to my Inner Being, followed by devoted service to other people as well.

Finally, I connected to the life that really gratified my soul – the only one that would have.

To enter the path of my True Life, the old order had to crumble.

As a result of experiencing this, I now know I am prepared to lose anything that is not a soul truth and go empty fearlessly so that the new order can arrive.

And it does, and will continue to time and time again. This is the law of abundance, plenty and being in synch with Life when we are healed enough to flow with this perfect system of truth.

 

9) Nothing is More Important Than the Sanctity of Your Soul

Whilst I was being abused, as well as previous to being married to a narcissist if anyone had talked to me about the sanctity of my soul I would have had no idea what they were talking about.

Now I know how absolute Quantum Law is – so within, so without. And that unless we honor ourselves Life and others can’t follow.

The old paradigms of life were this: treat others how you would like to be treated. But in Quantum Law terms this was “giving to get” … we hoped that by twisting ourselves into pretzels and granting everyone else what they wanted, that they would somehow love and respect us back.

That is exactly what I did whilst being narcissistically abused, and I used to righteously declare to him, “Look at everything I do for you!”

It all must start with self … honoring our authentic truth and being 100% personally responsible to have the thoughts, emotions and actions that self-generate Who We Are and then Life and others DO start matching that.

Then I discovered that I easily started to leave alone narcissistic individuals, without trying to make them honor my soul. I already honored my soul and I was no longer empty and needy or acting like a victim.

And … I was giving more to life and people than I had ever had the capacity to do previously – without conditions.

 

 

10) Conquering the Most Painful Time in Your Life is the Greatest Liberation of All

Narcissistic abuse was undoubtedly the most profound time of breakdown in my entire life.

Like many of us, I had gone through disappointment and even heartbreak and grave trauma previously – but nothing on the scale of narcissistic abuse.  This completely broken down every aspect of my former self.

Through this make or break experience, that called for more from me than I ever thought I was capable of, I midwifed an incredible breakthrough that forever changed my life for the better.

It’s a little like childbirth (for us women). We may think after that, “Pain takes on a whole new meaning – that doesn’t hurt”. I believe it is the same for us who had have survived and then Thrived after narcissistic abuse.

When we step into a Thriver Life, fear is replaced with awe. We know every life opportunity is blessed because it brings growth and inspires us, when challenging, to release, heal, evolve and become a greater, more radiant version of self.

We stop hiding out from Life and and trying to control it, and instead we go with it and we relish it.

For the first time we are fully alive and we couldn’t have made it here if we hadn’t gone through the fast-track evolution experience of narcissistic abuse – arguably the greatest personal liberation journey of all.

I really hoped you enjoyed this insight into the 10 most valuable lessons I learned from being married to a narcissist. If you are still recovering from a toxic relationship and would like to learn exactly how to get to this state I am now living today, I have a FREE 3 Hour Online Workshop coming up very soon.

In this live workshop I will be taking you through the exact steps that I applied to my own recovery (and for thousands of people in this community) to truly heal for real from abuse.

You can register your spot for this FREE live event here.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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52 Thoughts on 10 Lessons Learned From Being Married To A Narcissist
  • martin.issima@hotmail.it'
    Lady Jedi
    August 6, 2017

    Hi Melanie,

    lately I have realized I don’t have any emotional charge around the ex narc anymore. In fact, I had a profound realization about our relationship that finally felt like “closure” to me. The lingering feelings for the past 2 years had been resentment towards myself for staying in that relationship wayy too long. I just couldn’t forgive myself for my self betrayal and the “wasted years”. But then…out of the blue, I knew this: by having to mother my ex , and trying to love him unconditionally against all odds (which was really stupid) I discovered a present loving parent within myself that I had no idea it could exist, because no one had been that parent for me. I was only taking care of the wrong person! 🙂 I was trying to be to him what I needed for myself. When I overcame the aftershock, I found that loving parent was still there for me. Perhaps difficult to access, but it was there and before, there was not. So I figured, I gained something out of this, after all. It doesn’t matter what was real for him, it was a journey of love in the end, for me. And that made me feel at peace.

    Love, LJ xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 6, 2017

      Hi LJ,

      I am so happy for you that you have got to this place!

      So, so true this was between you and you all along 🙂

      Mel xo

    • Satinacooper@gmail.com'
      Satina Cooper
      August 9, 2017

      Hi LJ
      WOW thanks for sharing. A light bulb went off while reading your feedback. I’m going to look into my situation fir I just know the same thing was what I was up too as well. Can feel the ah ha before i even look for it. These forums are such gems. Thanks again hugs Satina

  • Jupitersun@hushmail.com'
    Joni
    August 6, 2017

    Dear Mel, thank you for another excellent post, for your honesty, and service. My question is about my 18 year old son who I’ve been the single parent of for 4 years after narc husband left. My son was kicked, punched, thrown against walls, tackled, and chased down by his father as a kid. If I intervened I was told that I didn’t understand how to parent as a team and that I never backed him up. My son suffered two serious injuries when I was not present but I didn’t implicate his father to authorities. His father denies hurting my son and claims a bloody head injury was an accident. My son has no contact with his father. He is also furious with me , tells me he hates me and that it’s impossible that I could have loved him because I didn’t report the father and didn’t leave the marriage. I agree with my son that I didn’t protect him. I’ve acknowledged my complete failure as a mom to make sure my child was safe, I have apologized to him, and taken full responsibility for my inaction. I can’t explain or understand why I was too afraid to tell authorities the truth. I was also being abused , and had been choked by my husband in addition to his threats of suicide, and other physical and the regular and extreme verbal attacks. I don’t expect my son to forgive me or understand my fear. I’ve been humbled to my core and accept my part in the abuse of my son by not protecting him. I know my son will have to heal himself from the trauma of his childhood. I have healed in ways I never thought possible, and have learned all of the lessons you’ve written about. By far the hardest thing to accept is that I hurt my children. I don’t think there is any cure for this pain , but I’d love to know your thoughts on this and if there’s anything I can do to heal the relationship with my son. Thank you.

  • amanda.texagal@gmail.com'
    amanda bordenave
    August 6, 2017

    Dearest Teacher Mel, I cannot tell you how much your insights have been helping me… it’s truly incredibly how your and God’s timing is impeccable…. This week I am off to a spiritual retreat with the N . It will be, so to speak, my liberation week !!! I am focused and calm( the anchor is in place ), and I am ready to unchain, cut, open the doors of my personal prison. To be able to finally take the gag off my mouth, will be my BREAKTHROUGH to the other side. Over the years, I have only dreamed of being ME . I believed this day would never come…. and so within , so without——It is here… I have much much more healing to do, but this is a journey , is it not? God Gives us what we need and He is GOOD ALL THE TIME…… Bless you and your team. When you have Love and forgiveness in your Heart ( for yourself as well as the N), there is no room for anything else. I wish you a splendid week. Thanks dearest teacher

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 6, 2017

      Hi Amanda,

      I am so pleased I have been able to help.

      Bless you and wishing for you that incredible freedom.

      Lots of love,

      Mel xo

  • fenfatale@yahoo.com'
    Issy
    August 6, 2017

    The most interesting thing I’ve learned on this self-discovery journey is where my attraction to men with NPD all began. Before educating myself, (beginning with Dr. Vaknin’s seminal text), I had no idea that my father was a pathological narcissist. My first marriage was to an even better NPD exemplar, and then the latest “soulmate, love of my life” turned out to be the most competent psychic vampire of them all. It has taken all of these many years to finally understand my father, which (I assume) was the whole point of this lifelong experience. Once I understood the NPD underpinnings of my inability to live a “normal, happy life,” all past experiences with people fell into place. I began to be able to connect the relationship dots and the reasons for my life choices became clear. It was a little shocking to also discover that I too suffer from some variant of this disorder, but at least the mystery is solved, and I don’t have to feel guilty about how my own condition manifests: NPD cannot be cured, only understood (and perhaps managed to a slight degree). It has been liberating to acquire this self-knowledge and to be able to say to my dearly departed father, “Now I understand you. I don’t forgive you, but I understand you.” Now I need to find another puzzle to solve, but after these revelations, what can compete, what investigation adventure can ever be as absorbing, as meaningful? Unlike Melanie, I am not convinced we can ever recover our life force completely once it has been usurped by the alien NPD creature(s). We can try to fill the void with any number of things, but we will never be the same. Like NPD itself, there is no permanent cure and no way to become who we were supposed to be. All we can do is try to manage what remains of our ambition and our connection to the world. I’m hoping a childlike immersion in Nature may be a source of comfort and relief. If we are here on this planet to learn lessons, then God willing, this is the last of it and I’m ready for the next evolutionary step. I don’t think I could do this again. 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 6, 2017

      Hi Issy,

      I really do believe that unless we have released trauma cellularly and then experienced our True natural Self that was buried under it, we may never have believed freedom from emotional wounding is possible.

      I am here to tell you it is.

      The evidence is everywhere in this Community.

      As Thrivers are we totally unwounded? No! But as humans maybe we will never be.

      Are we better, more vibrant, joyful, inspired and extended than we were before being abused – and have we been able to generate more success, love and totally different healthy relationships that we never were producing previously?

      Yes – absolutely.

      Maybe you will experience Quanta Freedom Healing for yourself in my free workshop to feel inside yourself what happens when trauma leaves and space is created for wellbeing?

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Mel xo

      • fenfatale@yahoo.com'
        Issy
        August 7, 2017

        Dear Melanie,
        Thank you for your appraisal of my midnight musings. The time you took to offer your perspective is most appreciated. As I indicated, am now seeking another “grande mystère” to occupy the remaining days. Perhaps I should wholeheartedly accept your gift of optimism and pursue a greater understanding of the strategies you have developed. Being an inveterate Libra, I am always intrigued by the idea of integrated concepts, and actually do believe the only path to understanding the Big Picture involves a marriage of mysticism and science. A “quantum” approach to recovery seems plausible if one believes in a “theory of everything,” which I do. I will attempt to peel away the ugly scabs of scepticism left by the vampire’s wounding, and undertake what may prove to be the next puzzle project. Never one to question the power of synchronicity, I will take the lead offered by Joni in her post above, and set improvement of my battered relationship with my own sons as a target as I seek these new answers (thank you, Joni!). Meanwhile, please accept my gratitude for providing a sanctuary forum for personal narratives, the expression of which, like all tribal story-telling, confers its own gift of connectedness and shared learning. That primal communication with one’s spiritual family is by itself an instrument of healing (but then you already know this, Melanie). The damage done across enduring cycles of abandonment and idealization cannot be erased overnight (did The Awakening occur quickly or after much intellectual work and meditation?). Similarly, the articulation of pain may consist of many phases, of which this current form for me may be merely intermediate. Our voices are gradually, imperceptibly strangled by the vampire’s velvet fingers as we experience the euphoria of engulfment, the N’s anaesthetic of choice. If we’re lucky, we survive this attempt at laryngectomy, but struggle to produce those familiar frequencies of our verbal selves. When I once again feel the Muse seated beside me and a poem lies squirming on the birthing table, taking its first breaths, squalling its cosmic message, then I will know true healing has begun. If real recovery consists of reclaiming one’s conduit to the collective mind, then this will be a personal sign we’re on the right track. Thank you once again for your support of what is, alas, an ever-growing community of survivors of the vampire apocalypse. Take care and travel safe. Carol

        • fenfatale@yahoo.com'
          Issy
          August 7, 2017

          To Melanie and Johannes,
          Apologies for any confusion. I sometimes use my middle name, Carol, when posting.
          Issy

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          August 7, 2017

          Hi Carol,

          thank you for your wonderful message back to me and offering your time too in this delightful conversation!

          I love what I believe is this time of awakening now – that is the overcoming of the psychic virus of unconsciousness and trauma that has infected this planet for so long.

          It’s certainly not an overnight thing, but the shift we are in is fast gaining momentum.

          I’d love you to join in – the knowing of how awake we become when trauma leaves our being for real.

          Wishing you so many blessings and thank you for your well wishes toward me.

          Mel xo

    • j.smutny@gmail.com'
      johannes
      August 6, 2017

      Dear Issy, i won’t try to persuade you of choosing another perspective but rather to remind you of your ability transcend your own thoughts and the feelings that lie behind them – the wounds and your true self as well.

      thanks for your comment. It reminds me that we are infinite beings. This manifests in the ability to transcend everything. You don’t believe in complete Healing after narc abuse? Why? What is the advantage of doing so? Melanie helps people starting to thrive. This begins with putting all our believe-systems on the table of infinity. Thriving vs. believing: where do you think your true self resides. Start thriving with small things – Giving yourself a chance to recognize that there is always everything potentially available NOW. blessings

      • fenfatale@yahoo.com'
        Issy
        August 7, 2017

        Dear Johannes,
        How very kind of you to send a message, a lovely and welcome surprise on this August Sunday! After reading your and Melanie’s reply, I was encouraged to write again as you can see from my message to her of today. When you said “there is always everything potentially available NOW,” I was reminded of Delores Cannon’s observation that every possible universe of particulars exists simultaneously with the other, infinite versions. Years ago I read about quantum theory extensively, but until now had not fully thought through the need to incorporate that scientific understanding with knowledge gained from NPD-related psychic trauma. Thank you for bringing this critical piece and process to my attention! You have also reminded me that what remains of our embattled free will is just that: freedom to choose how to proceed, however fitfully, however tentatively, trusting in others’ support and our own survival instincts. I look forward to any further posts you may make. You seem to have a special cache of knowledge about this subject, making it a privilege indeed for my first post to this site to have caught your eye. It is gratifying to know my words were useful to you in some way. Thank you for letting me know. All the best, Carol

        • fenfatale@yahoo.com'
          Issy
          August 7, 2017

          Dear Sash,
          You voice your concerns so impassionately, I had to respond. I too had a long relationship with the “love of my life,” nearly 18 years. Although he moved away 10 years ago (with his wife and kids!), we continued to communicate by phone and e:mail, and I even managed two visits to his new city (all at my own expense and arrangements, of course). Although I was beginning to become more aware of the source of my ongoing pain and attachment to this N, it was a very slow process. In fact, getting to the point where I am now–finally able to ignore his calls, stop myself from e:mailing and calling him, finding the strength to write about all this–has taken YEARS. Recovery is NOT an easy process or even a foregone conclusion. My personal recovery has been supported by my own mental and emotional work (it was either do that work or die). I’ve not used formal strategies, unless you can call Sam Vaknin’s monumental text a recovery instrument (which it surely is!). Like any addiction, it requires a “one day at a time” approach, at least initially. Please don’t berate yourself or feel that you aren’t doing all you can to establish a healthy life and reclaim (to the degree it’s possible for ANY survivor) what’s been stolen from you. Even with formalized recovery algorithms, time is your best friend. I don’t believe there is any way around it. We have to go through what feels like a solid steel door. But imagine that door for what it is: a collection of tiny particles, with spaces in between. Somehow, over time, these spaces enlarge enough for us to pass through that door as easily as we swim across a pool. There is no magic bullet for this injury. In some respects (and the time needed is different for each survivor), we are initially like the patient in intensive care, bandaged, intubated, cemented to our beds with harsh starched sheets, surrounded by incessant beeping signals in our brain that perpetually keep us on high alert for sudden and dangerous changes to heart rate and respiration. It’s a miracle any of us survives this anxiety-ridden post-surgical stage…for that is what it is. Our soul has been assaulted…continuously, insidiously, mercilessly, for YEARS. Can we expect that recovery, no matter how effective any single strategy proves to be, will be instantaneous? Think of your spirit as a vessel that needs refilling…depending on our personal histories with N’s, this may mean one drop at a time. Eventually, we are discharged from ICU and hobble away on our emotional crutches. Eventually, we can toss the crutches in the trash and walk on our own). Please be kind to yourself. As a fellow survivor still on her own recovery path all these years later, I can assure you it does get better. The fever will break. All the best to you, Issy (aka Carol, my middle name)

    • esther.sennett@gmail.com'
      Esther
      August 8, 2017

      I agree with you. \We must learn to work with the left overs , because the damage was done and I do not really find it irreversable. Not at this stage ………….

  • casting@sasharobertson.com'
    Sash
    August 6, 2017

    Dear Mel, thank you for all your posts and blogs. They are all so timely. I have recently had the breakdown and absolutel realisation that I have to come home to myself. After 3 years of separation, I still allow myself to go back for more abuse and try to get accountability, even though I know logically this is pointless. The last time (a week ago) left me feeling so broken and destroyed and I realised that this would keep happening until I really committed to self partnering and doing the work. I feel like it is only now that I have fully accepted the reality of the situation and somehow previously always minimised the hurt and betrayal. Everything you write resonates with me. I am feeling pretty vulnerable right now as I realise I have nothing left and have been looking to the N for love, source and approval for the last 22 years. My main fear now is that the shifts won’t work for me, won’t happen to me. I have been trying for 18 months and I wonder if I am doing something wrong. If I am too much in my head? I find it so hard to connect and get information and I feel like I am winging it. I am so committed and dedicated to doing this but worried that if this doesn’t work, I am just left in trauma with no where to go and that scares me. I will keep going with the NARP. Just wondered if you had any tips or whether I am just being impatient. You are really such an inspiration and you make sense out of such chaos, I am so incredibly grateful. Much love Sash xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 6, 2017

      Hi Sash,

      you are very welcome.

      Dear Lady the hardest thing with our healing is if we are still on and off the hook. It’s so much like any addiction – that if we have the urges, cave in at that point and make contact (or take it) instead of meeting what is being triggered inside us and commit to healing that instead … then we are still caught in the throes of the addiction.

      That is exactly when we feel like “this is not working”.

      Narcissistic abuse is a powerful physiological addiction.

      I’d love you to come into the NARP Forum for help – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member because that is where NARP coaching happens, and this would be exactly the support you need to truly commit, meet and find the programs that are still tripping you up.

      And also please know it is okay if you are not getting “information” just by breathing and staying open and following the instructions, FEELING the trauma in your body – you will shift it out.

      And please know what you are going through is very common and there is a way out of this … and you don’t have to do it alone.

      Thank you for your lovely words, and I promise you Sash I broke No Contact that many times it was ridiculous. I was all that you describe. I know if I can get out of it that you can too.

      And you will.

      Mel xo

  • casting@sasharobertson.com'
    Sash
    August 6, 2017

    Thank you so very much Mel. Your words give me real hope and strength.. I’ll connect with the forum too. Much love Sash Xx

  • alyssaali@gmail.com'
    Aly
    August 6, 2017

    Dear Melanie
    I didn’t think words could capture how I was feeling after my breakup until you wrote this article. It was two months ago and I was the one who ended it but despite my knowing I was miserable and that the relationship was making me physically sick somehow I miss him and wish we were still together. It’s a feeling that makes me question my sanity and the person I have become if I could want to go back to being mistreated. I didn’t fully understand why until you wrote in the hoovering article that’s referenced, about the people susceptible to that and I realized that not only do I try to make people happy by changing them so I could be happy but I am also wishy washy on rights and boundaries. Anything to avoid conflict and confrontation and for everyone to remain happy. I always thought that was a good thing to try for everyone to be happy but I realize now I was just compromising on my own happiness and giving the responsibility over to someone else. Thank you for helping me realize that there are lots of things now I need to take care of in myself!

    • bcuerden@gmail.com'
      Becca
      August 7, 2017

      I just wanted to describe a little vignette for Aly that came to mind about trying to make everyone happy. I was doing the “Christian thing” and rising above the craziness of the N – with “two wrongs don’t make a right”; “let many things pass without being fooled”; “love transcends all things”; “my love will make it better” etc etc. I’ve been doing NARP for over four years now (with the N for 22 years) and you DO move forward. So, what I remembered was, a weekend afternoon: the N had been doing the sulky punishing withdrawing thing- for one reason or another – he’d been freezing me out for days, uncommunicative and making me feel like I didn’t exist. Nevertheless he insisted we go for a walk as it was a Sunday, and we went to a market to get vegetables. He was walking a few steps ahead of me (as usual) and I didn’t want to be near him, but was staying “open” to communication, not wanting to piss him off further, or whatever it is I was doing to irritate him, even if it was nothing. Sigh. Basically, walking on eggshells. Then he suddenly turns around to me and says “well, THIS is boring. Let’s go home and have sex”. And I was just completely taken aback. You havent spoken to me for days, I say. And now you want to go home and make love? I just don’t get it. You’ve been treating me as if I don’t exist. And his response to this is an EDUCATION!! “Well, but YOU were being nice to ME”… It’s like they do NOT see the ordinary pain they cause us; they do not care if their “punishments” are excruciating to normal feeling-thinking human beings. All they see, is that we are being NICE to them. I don’t know if you get this, or if I’m telling this the right way- but for me it was an enlightening experience! What they see when we are “rising above” whatever BS they are dishing out, is that we are being nice to them, and THATS ALL THAT MATTERS. their centrality. So the NARP program turns that around, and makes us central to ourselves. We can pour all that Good into ourselves. Then the whole world changes. hugs to you

      • bcuerden@gmail.com'
        Becca
        August 7, 2017

        ps. been divorced now for 5 years. Could only have done it with MTE.

        • alyssaali@gmail.com'
          Aly
          August 7, 2017

          Thank you so much for your response Becca. I do understand exactly what you’re saying because I too remember being confused by the behavior and I thought by loving more or changing something in the way I responded to him, it would fix everything. Obviously that didn’t happen. I can’t imagine how difficult it would have been for you to go through marriage with someone like that. I was just in a relationship barely under a year and it had left me feeling a mixture of anxiety, depression and hopelessness until I started understanding that I have to go into myself and fix my hurts. It really helps that Melanie could articulate all those feelings so well and that we’re not alone in this!

      • My_bba@yahoo.com'
        Hélène
        August 7, 2017

        Yes! Its all about the PD. Never forget that.
        But we can use it for us too. The motivation for healing our wounds. Triggers sending us to moduling. Positive selftalk. Loving
        Ourselves.

        • alyssaali@gmail.com'
          Aly
          August 7, 2017

          Thank you so much as well Hélène. I am now beginning that process of looking inward to heal myself and be what i’ve needed from other people. I’ve found that meditation helps as well with quieting the inner talk. I haven’t been doing it long enough to say but I think it’s worthwhile in continuing and of course it helps a lot knowing there are so many people who understand.

      • Ehardee09@gmail.com'
        E
        August 8, 2017

        Wow you deceive my relationship to a T!!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 7, 2017

      Hi Aly,

      I am so pleased you resonated with this.

      That is so great you have clarity, relief and direction now!

      Mel xo

  • Peglovejoy@gmail.com'
    Peggy Lovejoy
    August 7, 2017

    What a gift to have this article show up on my Facebook page today.

    I broke off an engagement with my narcissistic fiancé one month ago. We we’re together eight years. The engagement came 9-months ago in what I now recognize was a hoovering tactic. The breakup occurrd as a result of him physically abusing my 16-year old son.

    This post beautifully lays out where I am directing my spirit. All of the questions of why…why did I allow this and that for eight years…why did I stay…I am looking within for the answers. In doing so, the sensations of happiness are starting to intensify. Mentions of the ‘things’ that occurred over the years that hurt me are becoming mere mentions…more of a process to remove the rubbish from my mind, and forever commit it to trash. Removing blame from my processing has proven critical to the healing. Whether the blame is me, or him. The work is on self, tapping into the rhythm of happiness each moment, and riding the wave. This focus shields the fear…which is the portal to darkness. Although the abuse was damaging, I can now say it was the story I needed…the extreme evidence I needed to work on me.

    Thank you, so much, for sharing your wisdom. Truly resonates.

    Blessings,

    Peg

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 7, 2017

      Hi Peggy,

      I am so pleased this article resonated with you.

      It is so true that when we come into wisdom that so much becomes understood … organically from within.

      I love your expression “the extreme evidence I needed to work on me.”

      Powerful!

      Mel xo

  • Lucyrunforjoy@gmail.com'
    Lucy Smith
    August 7, 2017

    Dear Mel,
    Thank you for expressing and sharing your insight and experience and positivity once again. I have recently come through the most painful and traumatic time of my entire life – leaving a marriage of 24 years – and the support of the NARP program and healings, journalling, and Thriver TV has been absolutely integral to this journey. While every single point above showed up in my personal journey, it was the lie I was living that finally broke me. Not being fully truthful to myself, my sister and brother, my dear beautiful children and to LIFE, was destroying me emotionally. Beautiful whole life was simply not accessible while I continued to live a false life. I held fast on to this truth through the brutal last few months and then weeks before our separation. I’m sure these weeks are sad, awful, painful and dark for anyone going through a separation, but there is that added indescribable craziness of relations with a narcissist, that only those who have experienced it can really know. Even with ten layers of my Teflon suit (my grey rock) I had to practice shifting energy over and over again every time he wrote me strange hoovering messages. All the energy I had used to ‘cope’ (and it takes such a lot of energy to cope with a narcissist) during my marriage, I have now directed towards thriving. I now have moments in my day where I simply want to cry for joy. For my courage and strength to finally face the most difficult learning of my life. I was there for a reason. I will never forget the gift of that reason and I honour the courage you have to recognize, understand and reach out to souls who need that support. Love, Lucy

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 7, 2017

      Hi Lucy,

      it’s my pleasure 🙂

      That is so wonderful you have dedicated yourself to shifting and shifting at this time – as that is the most powerful way through to the other side with the least collateral damage.

      I adore that you are turning survival and defence into growth and Thriving!

      So much love to you Lucy, and thank you for being a fellow traveller on this incredible quest.

      Mel xo

  • My_bba@yahoo.com'
    Hélène
    August 7, 2017

    So thankful for NARP. So thankful for knowledge and ability to use it. So thankful lately!

    • My_bba@yahoo.com'
      Hélène
      August 7, 2017

      In spite of the cognitive dissonance that makes me think positively about some aspects of the relationship, I am so much farther along in reality. The dissonance will fade, it serves me no purpose.
      And perhaps someday I will have a true experience of a man loving me. But maybe not. I am enough for me tho. I love me now. Im a funny, smart, compassionate, excellent woman. I will hang with me anytime!

  • sujonez@hotmail.com'
    Carolyn
    August 7, 2017

    I have been 5 years now out of my marriage to a narc. Thanks to Melanie and her amazing programme, I recovered completely from the abuse and my life is so different now. I am happier and more peaceful than I have ever been and I am so grateful for the support and the wisdom you gave me Melanie. I couldn’t have done it without you! All love xxxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 7, 2017

      Hi Carolyn,

      I am so pleased you are Thriving!

      Many blessings Dear Lady 🙂

      Mel xo

  • Kayhardy23@yahoo.com'
    Grace
    August 7, 2017

    The post is very informative. Also, as shallow as this may seem, thanks for the picture accompanying the post – at last a non thin young and beautiful woman and a very ordinary looking man!

  • brewer.asha67@gmail.com'
    Asha
    August 7, 2017

    Mel,

    I haven’t been on this site for awhile because I’ve been having a complete blast this summer! I’m doing NARP and watching the videos as you post them. I was in such a dreadful place when I came here. I remember posting that I felt like jumping out of my apartment window. I knew I was finally ready to go deeper into my healing when this program appeared. I’m an empath so I know from experience our energetic connection at the quantum level. Yet there was still much hidden from me in the form of unconscious wounds that were felt, but muddled and unclear. I had this really big shift earlier this year, but it feels like it was much longer than this year, because I feel so removed from the person I was and so much closer to the person I’m becoming as I continue to move forward. For anyone feeling stuck, I can tell you with complete confidence that when these internal shifts take place they have a BIG BIG effect on everything and everyone around you. Especially when you’re not trying to change so you can GET something from others like love and approval. I swear for the first three days after this shift I was laughing like a kid all day. People, especially men, are acting completely differently around me. After my last relationship with a sociopath a few years ago, I felt so disgusted with myself I could hardly do anything beyond work and sleep. I honestly thought I was going to have to do all kinds of superficial things to get noticed or asked out on a date. Loose weight, upgrade my wardrobe, be more social, spend years and years in therapy and even do some deep, long cleanses to look younger. Well, let me tell yall, I haven’t done much on that list except I did a few months of therapy….which for me was a complete waste of money. I turned 50 this year and actually gained a little more weight! Men are flirting with me all the time! It’s so hilarious to me to see energy working in this way! So much fear, shame and guilt has fallen away to the point that now when I think of my ex (and only when I’m reminded of him, for example, I’ll see a cyclist that looks like him from a distance) I actually get tickled by it because it seems next to impossible to believe that I was ever in a relationship with someone so utterly ridiculous….LOL!!!!! Believe me, when I say, I never, ever, ever thought I would be laughing about any of this!!!!

    People have been asking me to teach and mentor in my profession, old friends have just been calling out of the blue with invites and I have so much energy I’ve been biking about 75-100 miles per week. I don’t care if I can’t loose weight because all I care about is being happy, truthful and free to embrace all of me and it’s radiating out like nothing I’ve ever seen before and is better than when I was 20, slim and thought I was hot stuff! A close friend and coworker told me that I looked like I was in love. I told her “I am in love, with myself!” As soon as I started taking care of myself, FOR MYSELF, (on the inside) everything changed. I wish I had my own personal camera person that just walked around with me everywhere I go so I could post it. The other day, a lady got off the train with me and just started walking and talking to me like we were old friends. Somehow, all the wounded souls that we’re always popping out of the bushes like vampires to suck my life force energy are just gone! Healthy, interesting, fun people are just walking right up to me….LOLOLOL! Free stuff is showing up, like free coffee, train rides, dinner and a guy working in a shoe store gave me the last pair of sandals on sale for free! If this all sounds crazy and over the top, you can only imagine what this feels like to me. It’s truly amazing!

    So keep digging that painful stuff out of your being. It’s totally worth it! And you want to know what’s even funnier? I could care less about being in a relationship! Which sounds so crazy to me when just this time last year I believed that if I just found the right guy life would be better. Oh my goodness!!! I’m not saying I’m closed to a relationship, but for the first time, I want someone in my life who’s going to treat me as well as I’m treating myself now.

    Thank you, so much Mel for this “on point” info and support. I’m looking forward to seeing what’s going to show up next in my life!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 7, 2017

      Hi Asha,

      it is my greatest wish for every member of this Community that like you, they do the real inner healing so that they are IN life having a blast instead of here reading and listening to my stuff!

      It is so true Asha that when we continue to release trauma and bring in wellbeing with NARP that we just grow and grow and grow in our life moving forward.

      I adore that you are so radiant, glowing and oozing love. That is our natural state without our wounds!

      And agreed it is so infectious for generating healthy awesome people, life opportunities and even miracles in our life. They start flooding in 🙂

      That is the life I am committed to living and offering to anyone else who will go there – because it is our birthright to enjoy.

      Thank you for your gorgeous post Asha, and I know what is coming for you will be magnificent!

      Mel xo

  • Tracymatkinson@aol.com'
    Tracy Moore
    August 7, 2017

    I couldn’t have been reading this post at a more appropriate time. I decided two weeks ago to leave my husband and today is the day we sign the divorce papers. As I am reading this article he calls completely breaking down and saying he is having an anxiety attack and can’t breathe. I know it is all a form of manipulation and completely his pattern of behavior.

    I know I should be more upset that I am getting a divorce, but I feel this overwhelming relief that I can finally breathe again.

  • jraltizer@gmail.com'
    No Name
    August 7, 2017

    Good article. It is amazing how we learn and grow through our adversities. Of late my ex-narc has been calling a lot trying to whip up drama. My only thought was that he must be short on his Narc Supply and need to “feed” whether the outcome be good or bad. There was a time when just the phone call would have caused an anxiety attack in me but this weekend I just shrugged it off and went about my weekend plans.

    The second thing that happened to me this weekend was that an old co-worker (highly manipulative Narc tendencies) contacted me out of the blue and invited me to her birthday dinner at a very expensive, high end restaurant. I know this place is way beyond her means (mine too!). This person has a way of manipulating other people out of money. The only thing I could think was that she must be looking for someone to pick up the tab! I politely declined citing previous obligations for the weekend. In the old days I would have had trouble saying no or at least have a feeling of lingering guilt for not taking the bait. Not so this time. I could really care less.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 8, 2017

      Hi No Name,

      that is so wonderful that you are detaching and saying “No thanks!”

      Love it! That’s true graduation.

      Mel xo

  • cmarecki@yahoo.com'
    Cheryl Marecki
    August 8, 2017

    Thank you to Melanie and to all of the people who so insightfully described their experience. I completely support the belief that although we have been victimized, it could not have happened to us if we had not provided “the hooks” for narcissist. If we were truly self partnered and solid, there would have been no “holes” for the narcissist to slip through and systematically manipulate our minds, hearts, and souls. I am struggling with the modules, and am beginning to lose hope that I have the strength to do this work. I am wondering how much the day to day situation in which I live is impacting this. I am currently not working, and have no friends in this area. There is very much an addictive factor to narcissist abuse which has been the most agonizing part. The relentless obsessive thoughts are unbearable. I can’t imagine that the environment of total isolation Im living in is helping. Obviously when one is left with their own thoughts day after day and has little to no interaction with people, it’s easy to slip into the thinking. I know the program is based upon self partnering, but it also seems critical to have some other support system. So far I have not had that breakthrough with the sense of relief. I could spend my day doing nothing but modules in hope of reaching that breakthrough, but so far I walk away from a healing module with an intense headache from hours of crying, and so exhausted that I can barely move. I have little else in my life to offset that. IM proud to say, I’ve curbed my self-destructive distractions of shopping (which is addictive) and for the most part have stopped comfort eating. There is not much for me to look forward to, like dinner with a friend, having someone over, or being invited to someone’s home for a get together…all of that is gone from my life. To go days and weeks with no interaction with human beings seems counterproductive to healing from abuse, depression, or any other issue. And I’m wondering if this is impeding my healing process. I’m guessing many people have jobs and families, or (if they are fortunate, ) supportive friends) to keep them grounded in reality. Without that, cognitive dissonance can get a real foothold, which is what happening more and more to me. Its been months since Ive experienced the touch of a hand on my shoulder or the warmth of a hug. Would anyone be willing to share their thoughts/ experiences about support (other than virtual)? Much appreciation!!!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 9, 2017

      Hi Cheryl,

      it’s my pleasure 🙂

      I totally agree that balance in your life is so important. It sounds like in your present life situation, the isolation is “hurting” because your soul is screaming, “No that’s not quite it”.

      My suggestion would be to listen to this …and make a change if you can.

      Also in regard to your Module work I would love you to come into the NARP Forum to get support and coaching help with your NARP work … because you totally do not need to do this alone.

      That, in itself, is an incredible connection with others.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • khmaryam96@gmail.com'
    Maryam
    August 8, 2017

    Dear Melanie,

    Could you please write an article on Emotional Blackmail (e.g narcissist threatening you to use the information you confided in them against you, revealing your secrets, etc.) and the ways to deal with it?

    Many thanks,
    Maryam

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 9, 2017

      Hi Maryam,

      I love your suggestion 🙂

      I will pop this on my list.

      Wishing you wonderful healing!

      Mel xo

  • pomykris@gmail.com'
    Christine
    August 9, 2017

    I have been on this program for many years now, and have succeeded in leaving that life of abuse behind me, except for my eldest daughter taking over where he left of . She is full of resentment that I left her poor Father and has chosen to be a fully fledged member of his new family. His partner being one of my friends , her children having been life long friends of my children. It appears to me that she wants to punish me and she keeps me distanced from the grandchildren . I feel like an outsider trying so hard to get to see my grandchildren when she makes such feeble excuses as to why she’s too busy for me. My youngest daughter has been affected by this so much and I understand that she feels torn between her loyalty to her Sister and Father that she is also becoming rude and hard hearted .. So the effects of not leaving earlier are wide reaching and devastating. Even now they question if Dad made you so unhappy why didn’t you leave. I honestly feel thst enough heartache has been suffered and I do not want my Grandchildren to be brought up with this animosity, I feel that all ICAN do is leave them all alone to live their life in the negative environment this N spreads as I cannot fight it anymore. My heart is breaking at the breakdown of the relationship with my daughters and find myself back in the place of needing to heal all over again. This time I don’t know that I ever will, so continue to put that one foot in front of the other and accept it’s my cross to bear for my role in participating in a life with a Narc.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 9, 2017

      Hi Christine,

      please know not all is lost, and what is so important is that you do heal all over again and purge this trauma too.

      It may just make peace for the entire situation to shift.

      Oftentimes the deep inner healing of us does generate that energetic shift.

      Sending you hugs and wishing you blessings and breakthrough.

      Mel xo

  • Juliewwbaker@gmail.com'
    Julie
    August 9, 2017

    I don’t understand how I am still addicted bc now that I see him for who he is, I’m scared to death of him and want to get as far from him as I can. Hkewever, with shared parenting, I cannot get away.

    Julie

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