Melanie Tonia Evans

Why Narcissists Are So Cruel To You But Kind To Everyone Else

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 9
60
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

When you start trying to explain the behaviour of a narcissist to someone else, they will more often than not counter your words by saying …

“But he is such a great guy!”

You can see them thinking … “Why is she so ungrateful?”

And of course many people outside of the family home love the narcissistic woman because she is so accommodating, hospitable and charming and is always there to help anyone in need.

But, we know this is SO not our experience of them!

Why are narcissists so unwilling, unmotivated and uncaring and even downright nasty with their nearest and dearest, yet sooooo accommodating and wonderful with everyone else?

Why is it, to get them to do what you want to feel supported and cared for, means that the narcissists often turns on your mercilessly, yet he or she will drop everything for all and sundry?

Within this Thriver TV episode, you will find out!

I know you may feel so alone and powerless in regard to how the narcissist is hoodwinking everyone and no-one sees the truth – but I promise you, just as I did – there is a way to heal all of this and then be validated and supported by life and people beyond measure.

So … rather than think the narcissist’s “Street Angel / Home Devil” persona makes it all hopeless and you totally helpless … as I go through this deep dive into this topic in this video you will understand why it isn’t.

It is my dearest wish that his video helps you heal the trauma of no-one seeing or understanding who the narcissist is, and not having people support you – into generating the most incredible supported, loved version of your life that you could imagine possible.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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60 Thoughts on Why Narcissists Are So Cruel To You But Kind To Everyone Else
  • kathbling@yahoo.com'
    kathleen
    August 2, 2017

    I was engaged an lived with my Narc for Three years
    Moved out….he called an txt me for the next five years
    I love you…..love u not! An if anyone is reading this from Msla Mt…Beware of a man that’s n his 50’s tall an is Love bombing u! He will tell you his wife who is deceased..shased him out in the garage…how awful she was…I fell for it! Moved from Idaho in with him..got engaged…Was told I was Love of his life..right!..I thought his wife was awful…tell I started living with him…then the truth slowly came to light…he started going to strip clubs ..hooters…txt me to get out when we were engaged…treated me horrible! An I actually believed he still loved me…cuz he called an txt the next five years!
    He since lost his job..had to sell his house…an guess who got blamed for that! He demeaned me to his friends..told people I gave him herpes…Not true! My husband cheated on me b4 we divorced..had him checked out…an I moved in with KS..his initials right a fter I left my husband…so not true!!!! Then he told people I was a gold digger…an that’s why he lost his house…not true! Whole time we were together…I didn’t have access to any of his money…ever!
    Yes…he paid a lot of money for my engagement ring…I told him I wld give it back and wear a cubic circonia! What was I thinking…thsts b4 I really realize…he has narcissistic personality disorder…an oh yes…he came back an left many times…discard!!! Anyway…I did keep the ring…I left a beautful home..ggave up everything for this man..who supposedly Loved me…ha! They only Love themselves…an feel entitled! Sad…because I did Love him
    An to treat someone the way he did me….so awful…I was very kind an Loving to him an his daughter…So if anyone is reading this…the initials I put of his name are correct…beware…u are only a shiny new object! That’s all!!!

    • floritaarias@hotmail.com'
      Forest Flower
      August 2, 2017

      I also met a Dutch man 54 years old who told me that his wife was so sick that he was afraid of her to commit suicide for the big amounts of drugs that the doctors prescribe her and he was there just waiting for her to die that she was bold losing a lot of hairs. Then after two years he ask her to move out of his house and place her in a different house in another town and start love boming me I can’t believe such an amazing man I ask for his wife and he say that she was very disrespectful and he can’t take it any longer that the drugs make her so unstable and he need to start fresh I always felt weird with him then I saw the lady picture and she did not look sick to me. He magnefy everything until he got me into his demonic claws and discarded me like garbage. He had it very well cover never help me he expect me to be his servant until I call him in to my room and told him you are a liar all you say is BS then I experienced his dark side very classy very calm but I saw fire in his eyes three weeks pass and when it was close to my BD he discarded me in the moment that I also needed support because that day my daughter went in to surgery. But God always protect His children and He never leave me alone.

  • susanmwyer@gmail.com'
    sue
    August 2, 2017

    wow yep street angel, home devil 18 years i lived with it …..even now MR NICE GUY does it ..if i complained that others even complete strangers got better attention he pulled the social responsibility card on me …me and my son where often just abandoned in times of need while mr nice guy attended the needs of others ..especially if we where having a crisis like a death or problem with the kids ..he aways went elsewhere to get supply then when our son was doing VCE mr nice guy started to snarl at me and ultimately went for aniliation …thank god now i have space to heal thanks to you meleniie

  • mareejarvis233@msn.com'
    Maree Jarvis
    August 2, 2017

    Again you have discussed the exact behaviour of the person I was involved with,the only person in my family who accepted him and stuck up for him was my sister who he claimed to like, when she passed away he couldn’t or wouldnt come to funeral couldn’t even send flowers and then the next week he is attending the funeral of someone he hardly knew to impress his friends,has never been there for me ever when I needed the support ,but thanks to you I do not need his kind of support anymore IM on the way to healing and will always be grateful to you

  • patty0669@gmail.com'
    P
    August 2, 2017

    I’ve made every mistake posdible6. I’ve given him do much negative validation it’s driven me insane. I’ve cried to him. I’ve begged for decency. I outed him. I look like the crazy one. He’s played so many mindgames. Texting me claiming he doesn’t know me. I truly think he’s convinced himself to avoud the deep something he may feel that he doesn’t know me and he is someone else. I’m in the midst of losing my home. My teenage son is having to mobe away this school year because I need to rebuild every bit of my life. This man took 8k in loans in 18 months fr me ( 25k from me in 3years) and has gone silent in a sense and refused to pay me a dime. Knowing I had no groceries. no money. He had cost me my job. etc. The cruel cold non human way he is to me and I was so good to him. He left came back 6x and I feel so stupid.
    Now he’s out living it up w all his money he now has. Sharing it w all. It’s been so hard but past 7 months his cold cruel ways I’m literally feeling I need to consider my own self dead to him. That I have to get away. I’ve sued him for the money and let that play out.
    But I have to stop contact at all. Even to the insane fake person he created. Literally forget he exists and work on me. I’m moving he won’t know where I am or a new job. Have to get out from under his control. I feel he isn’t paying helping acknowledging as a control tactic. That he will try use that to re enter my life one day. The damage he’s caused is surreal. The lack of remorse empathy caring just enormous.
    Everyone thinks he’s this great guy. Charming. and earned all he has. That yes its im delusional.. I hope he keeps repeating his lifelong pattern. All I know is I won’t be here for a 7th discard. He can keep his silent treatment n cruelty forever to himself.
    I’m taking a break from all the places I used to go. The people. social media. Work on me and then emerge a better me. Stronger me. And away from anything I could ever feel for him. He’s fake. I know the truth and that has to mean enough for me.
    I feel like he still has a plan for me but I’m making the new plan for me on my own. I’ve just never seen a grown 44yr old man ever or anyone have this type of behavior and I hope I never do again.

  • Simone.gwyn@bigpond.com'
    Grateful
    August 2, 2017

    I have experienced and been hurt by this many times over the years, in my family of origin. I have also been guilty of this very thing inside of my own current family unit. It’s this very dischord (is it called cognitive dissonance?) that has felt like a huge part of my desire for, and catalyst to change. Grow. Heal. The very hurt I’ve suffered since I was a child, and know intimately the pain of, I’ve created and am creating for others. Others that I love so very dearly. My children.

    I’m so happy to feel more awake, and feel like I have some tools to use to really heal. I’m excited for myself moving forward (still slightly confused, fearful and fucking up daily – but that’s real), hopeful for my daughters that they won’t carry the same confusion and pain forward into their adult lives, and proud to be on the journey that I’m on.

    Thanks Melanie (and all the other resources that have helped me along the way). Currently working NARP ❤️

    • amanda.texagal@gmail.com'
      amanda bordenave
      August 3, 2017

      Ditto to everything you said.

  • evaart@earthlink.net'
    inlight
    August 2, 2017

    Melanie, you are an angel sent from heaven. Thank you for being so intelligent, insightful, spiritual, and compassionate. You have changed my life, as I now know how to heal myself. Many blessings!!!

  • newtonm220@gmail.com'
    Mo
    August 2, 2017

    My husband and I have been battling from narc abuse from our son. We even moved to another city to escape. We have 2 grandsons one we have never seen, the other we last saw 3 years ago. We are not allowed to send them gifts. He has turned everyone against us even our daughter now who believes everything he says. The abuse seems to follow us even though there’s been no contact for 3 years. We find your resources so valuable. We are still struggling but hope time will heal.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 3, 2017

      Hi Mo,

      I am so sorry you have gone through this … I can’t even begin to imagine how painful that would be.

      Please Mo I really urge you to come into my free webinar so that you can experience HOW to truly heal from this … http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar … because at that level – where you get to experience releasing trauma from the inside – you will notice a profound difference in how you can heal.

      Mel xo

      • newtonm220@gmail.com'
        Mo
        August 3, 2017

        Thank you Melanie for your support. It’s hard to find anyone who really understands just what we are going through emotionally and financially ( having had the business stolen from us too). We are going to join the NARP programme too as we really need to move forward before all this destroys us. Many thanks again.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          August 3, 2017

          Hi Mo,

          you are so welcome, and I know you will breakthrough to the other side with NARP.

          Bless 🙂

          Mel xo

      • jimkamoske65@gmail.com'
        James P Kamoske
        August 7, 2017

        The reason the ‘narcissist’ (suspected) is nice to everyone-else & mean to you, is asked & answered in the question itself: ‘You are an asshole or; most likely the ‘real’ narcissist (as I expect “you” are, dear woman).

  • warbe@bigpond.net.au'
    Kylie
    August 2, 2017

    This is my mother, I really appreciate this article, rings so true to me. Not enough said about narcissistic parents…… that is a whole new level. A lifetime of anxiety and self doubt. A lifetime of my mother projecting her failings onto me. She is the master of manipulation, particularly of my father. So much so that he joins in on the abuse under her instructions. It has been a journey to really see this after 44 years. After nearly 2 years I have worked on myself to the point where I am a now a spectator in her circus. I see her as pathetic now. I had 18 months of not seeing my parents, which bought about a whole new level of abuse (via text and psychotic yelling down the phone). I am Trying to work on having some sort of relationship (only for my children’s sake – and my fathers)… This time I am calling the shots. She doesn’t like the new set of rules and uses it as a chance to abuse me again. The lying and degradation of me and my partner to my farther has been the hardest thing for me. My father believes her lies and joins in to abuse me under her instruction. My greatest regret is that my mother has stood between any healthy relationship with my father. Her jealousy and lies have made it impossible for me to have a relationship with him. Her manipulation of the truth making me look like the “crazy” one is text book. A visit at my mother’s home was like entering a spiders web and being suck dry. Leaving with nothing left, emotionally exhausted. Melanie I would love you to do an episode or whole chapter on the issues I have raised here. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your wisdom.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 3, 2017

      Hi Kylie,

      I am so pleased this resonated with you – and please know that there are many Thrivers in this Community who came from narcissistic parents.

      The healing system, Quanta Freedom Gealing is identically effective for all types of trauma – including childhood narcissistic abuse.

      The information I could give on this – truly is not the healing – it would simply be information. (Does that make sense?).

      Absolutely I can have this as a topic (I more than likely will write on that) – and if you ready and wanting to heal and Thrive then the best way to do that is come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar and experience QFH – which is releasing trauma directly from your Being.

      Mel xo

      • warbe@bigpond.net.au'
        Kylie
        August 4, 2017

        Thank you Mel, will start with webinar.

    • flyvonnie@gmail.com'
      Vonnie
      August 4, 2017

      Kylie, research covert narcissism. And research how lower level narcissists partner with higher level narcissists in order to gain narcissistic supply. Also, research “flying monkeys.” If your father is able to abuse you under your mother’s instructions, he may not be as innocent as you think he is. Also, get Melanie’s program. You speak of “calling the shots” with your mother. I wouldn’t do that until you deal with your peptide addiction. Mel’s program does that.

      • warbe@bigpond.net.au'
        Kylie
        August 4, 2017

        Hi Vonnie
        I really appreciate your comments, thank you!

    • mowalker6@gmail.com'
      Sylvia
      August 4, 2017

      Hi Kylie, in reading your post it seems we may have the same mother, be about the same age etc. My mother also completely manipulated my father, he has always been her cheerleader etc. I also have children and thought long and hard about going no contact. I was told in the beginning to try setting firm boundaries with them – and also told that in all likelihood this wouldn’t work – that they would ramp up their abusive behaviour in light of my boundaries; and they did. After a couple of years of that I decided ‘no contact’ was a the healthier choice for my family and myself. I am still in sporadic communication with my mother – short things a couple of times via email, no visits. I have discovered over the past 5 years that nothing changes, that perhaps nothing can change with them, they simply are who they are and I’ve learnt to accept this at a deep level. I have love and compassion for them, but can’t have them in my life anymore, it’s too destructive.
      I was struck in your note about your desire to have a relationship with your father, and how your mother makes this not possible. For most of my life this was my interpretation also. However over the past while I have come to see it differently, and I’ll share this with you; I have come to see that my father is a grown man perfectly capable of making his own decisions, and choosing his own choices. He has chosen to never stand up for his relationship with me. He has chosen not to value me and my children – over pleasing my mother (by siding with her). In looking back, he never really was capable of having a relationship with me by itself: it always somehow facilitated my mother, or occurred with her approval. In some ways I consider that my mother does have some responsibility – she has portrayed me in a negative light to him consistently, and can be so manipulative – yet it was always his choice to accept (or not) what she had to say. I don’t view my mother as standing in his way between us anymore. His choices are simply his choices for a myriad of reasons.
      About 4-5 years ago I joined NARP – it has saved me. Wishing you and your family deep healing.

      • warbe@bigpond.net.au'
        Kylie
        August 4, 2017

        Hi Sylvia
        Thank you for your note and for your story. I agree… Father makes his own decisions. It seems we have the same Father as well. Do you have siblings? How has this situation impacted on your relationship with your siblings? I would have to say that it has made me closer to mine which I am thankful for. After reading my replies, it tells me I have some way to go on this journey. NARP seems to be the way to go. Thank you again.

    • catherinetp@gmail.com'
      Catherine
      August 4, 2017

      Couldn’t agree more. I am in this position myself and only really awakened to what was going on, 18 months ago. I’m now 53, healing slowly thanks to the fantastic ongoing support offered by Melanie and others. I particularly like Ross Rosenberg’s advice “Observe, don’t absorb”. I draw on it whenever my mother delves into her toolbox of tricks-the ranting down the phone, insistent that I can’t possibly be right and continual manipulation some of it overt, other attempts more subtle. Much of it accompanied by vitriol and barely contained rage when I don’t react, I can now see it for what it is-her thwarted efforts to gain narcissistic supply. Mel, would love it if you could do an episode on narcissistic parent(s) and enabler which I think is the role my poor father has found himself in.

  • cressisan@yahoo.com'
    Lynn
    August 2, 2017

    Melanie…thank you so much for this video. I am the adult child of a narcissistic mother and spent my life suffering the mind games and wrath behind closed doors. To the outside world my mother was charming, incredibly giving to others and the consummate hostess. She has passed on but I remember certain times in my life where I “outted” some of her abusive behaviors and was completely disbelieved.
    Now, in my 50’s, I am getting divorced from a Narc 10 times worse than my mother in terms of punishment and devaluation but not nearly as charismatic and charming to all and sundry. She is estranged from her entire family and has no real friends and I can say that many people are put off by her. Yet there is ONE HUGE EXCEPTION: her patients. She is a nurse and is loved and adored by the people she heals back to health.
    Another anomaly….She is loving, warm, giving and attentive to her children, seemingly “normal”, so I don’t understand how this can be when there is no great Narc supply as you said in your video.
    Could you explain this Mel?
    Thanks and much love,
    Lynn xx

  • pdwournell@yahoo.com'
    Pam
    August 2, 2017

    Melanie, you hit the nail on the head with this. Only problem is I still feel so many turned their backs on ME , and cannot understand how or why, even my own now grown children show me no empathy. I am nearly 60, spent over 22 years in that ‘relationship'( such a sham) and while I feel I’ve worked out my codepency issues, have not been a magnet for anything. If anything at all, only more lowlifes or mostly nothing. At least nipped most in the bud and did not get burned again ( only one long distance relationship with an even worse narc). Seems at this age and stage even more offensive that men I’ve encountered still behave this way and are so disrespectful. The utter isolation, loneliness is extreme and acute. Even old friends are scarce. I never tried to explain things to them cause did not want to foul mouth him, wanted to protect my privacy and as you correctly say, they would never have understood or believed me anyway. While sure I am free to care for myself etc. it is incredibly lonely and I long for affection, love, caring, support, sharing both to give and receive these . It’s not great experiencing life and facing the remainder of it so alone.

    • cori.nichols@yahoo.com'
      Cmg
      August 2, 2017

      Don’t feel too bad. Im just started the divorce prcoess from mine. He has turned the few friends he let me have against me. He stops at nothing and claims he’s the victim. The way I look at it is I will be done with him in a few months bur it will be hell. He is a lying, cheating snake in the grass. His brother and mom are the same. It just feels good not to have him around anymore. Keep doing rhe work and try the group meet up and meet some new friends.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 3, 2017

      Hi Pam,

      I am so pleased the resonated with you.

      Whilst this is not the “exact” topic you talk about – it is definitely relevant and I hope will help you.

      https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/what-to-do-when-your-friends-and-family-dont-support-you/

      I really wish you to know that when we heal our wounds, there is no way we need to be alone 🙂

      Mel xo

  • haridheema@yahoo.com.au'
    lola
    August 2, 2017

    So many pieces fell into place for me listening to this, absolutely spot on and I’m so grateful that you can articulate the mess that is a Narc, it helps me so much. While listening to this I kept saying to myself ‘Smile, the first miracle is on its way..’, a mantra picked up from somewhere but I truly smiled so much hearing this, I’ve come so far in this journey and your webinars are always pertinent to where I’m at. Thank you!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 3, 2017

      Hi Iola,

      I am so pleased you are meeting and healing you!

      Bless and you are so welcome 🙂

      Mel xo

  • cheryl.hercus@optusnet.com.au'
    Cheryl
    August 2, 2017

    This episode rang true for me. Ten years with a narc who was publicly generous, when the generosity scored supply, but not generous otherwise. E.g. At a charity auction would spend up big, but despite a very good income gave very little to charity when the donation would be anonymous. I was also often the recipient of generous presents, but was rejected if I wanted her time or for her to help out with my projects or interests: unless doing so was in public and would lead to narcissistic supply for her. I was always expected to fully engage and contribute to her projects. She was always offering to help and “rescue” anyone else (often roping me in as her 2nd in charge), and stupidly I went along with it for years.

    Your work was the eye opener for me Melanie, and your videos and NARP program are helping me to move on to a great narc free future. I found it hard when the relationship really started to fall apart to realise that most friends and acquaintances still think she’s wonderful, but I’ve learnt to only share with a small trusted few. In the end it doesn’t matter that others don’t understand that my ex was emotionally abusive, the important thing is that I finally named it for myself. Moving on from the cognitive dissonance is very liberating!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 3, 2017

      Hi Cheryl,

      that is wonderful that you are healing and moving on and no longer needing the validation.

      That is true freedom!!

      Mel xo

  • bu11onnose@gmail.com'
    Kj
    August 2, 2017

    Melanie, you are a life saver, Thank you. As I begin the long process of extracting myself from my 35 year relationship with a narc, and work on healing myself, I look forward to and drink in your topical presentations. They have pulled me through dark days of doubt lonliness and despair. Thank you!

  • hannamand@gmail.com'
    Dave
    August 2, 2017

    An amazing and timely video, sometimes I think you’re listening to the voices in my head. Just when I think I’m the crazy one and there’s no hope for healing another video comes out and not only does it hit the nail on the head, but you give specific examples of the exact same things I’m dealing with (like a child that’s been convinced that I was cheating on my ex).

    Thank you so much for doing these video, they really give me hope.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 3, 2017

      Hi Dave,

      that is great they are timely for you and help.

      Bless 🙂

      Wishing you incredible healing.

      Meel xo

  • joy@pitmanbrighton.com'
    Joy Renshaw
    August 2, 2017

    Can I just say that I love your videos and especially this one! I am about to work your magic on a guy (or is that on myself) that is totally narcissistic and at best I keep my business as he is also my business partner (well 51% shareholder) and at worst I will lose my business. Either way I will be free of this guy after 6 years and I know it’s time and your videos are there right behind me.

    Thanks Mel X0

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 3, 2017

      Hi Joy,

      I am so pleased they help, and I totally agree … freedom cannot be quantified. It is the absolute goal.

      Great stuff 🙂

      Mel xo

  • jmsacred12@gmail.com'
    Shirlee
    August 2, 2017

    I was with mine on and off for 15 years. He did something that set the stage for me to thrown in the towel. I woke one seven months ago and said no more. I told him that I knew what he was doing and that I will not be apart of this charade anymore. I have not heard from him since. I think he knows he has exhausted all avenue with me and there is nothing left for him to try to get me to be at his beck and call. Things were just so obvious that he was seeing another source of supply but he did not want to disconnect from me either. Once you find out what they are and they realize you know, there is no more manipulation they can try with you. I started with setting boundaries with him (this was new to him with me). I started demanding respect, my needs, etc. He couldn’t meet my needs to he went to his new supply (not really new) she was there all alone. She didnt know about me, but I know who she is and obviously, she thought she was the only one.
    At first, I was getting a few hoovers via text and a knock on my windows from time to time, which I did not respond. Hopefully, this is the end. They are really master manipulators but once you realize what they are and who they are, you can move on. Don’t make the mistakes I made thinking they have changed. They can’t. He told me one time that “one woman is not enough for a man.” I should have listened. There has been woman after woman with him. Done for good!!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 3, 2017

      Hi Shirley,

      I totally agree that when we are done – there is no more supply to get, and they move on.

      Well done for calling it, standing in it and knowing your are worth so much more 🙂

      Mel xo

  • tfowler@aiswest.com'
    Teresa Fowler
    August 2, 2017

    I love you Melanie, my sweet friend. I am still healing and feeling more and more alive with every passing year. Still using your advice and tools, and so grateful that I am now able to encourage and support other women who are where I was 5 years ago. You don’t hear from me much, but know that I am growing and feeling the rewards and validation of wholeness from self-partnering. People ask me all the time how I can live and be so happy after 32 years of being abused. I smile and share my testimony which of course includes you, quantum healing, and the power of loving myself. You will always be a huge part of my healing and empowerment, being able to finally love myself…and see myself as the woman of worth that I am. I love you sweetie!! 😘😘😘

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 3, 2017

      Awww darling Teresa,

      I was only thinking of you the other day Dear Fellow Thriving Sister.

      I love you so much too Teresa and knowing you are continuing to glow brighter gives me boundless joy!

      I also love that you are reaching out to help others.

      That is what the Thriver Movement is … a ripple that heals so many 🙂

      Lots of love to you darling

      Mel xoxox

  • ilona.rocka@yahoo.co.uk'
    rocka
    August 3, 2017

    Thank you Melanie for another amazing video. I was brought up by two narcissistic parents and it’s very true that they are wonderful to everyone else and at home can be very cruel.
    It took me many years to realise that this wasn’t normal and that the most cruel person to me in this relationship was myself.
    I didn’t love and value myself and would go as far as body harming, causing unbearable pain and embarrassment.
    Thanks to gradual awakening and QFH I’m on the greatest path to becoming a ‘full time thriver’!
    It took me very long to understand why I was body harming and how to stop. I couldn’t find any useful information out there regarding this issue.
    I was doing the healings and feeling much better with each day but would still continue the painful rituals.
    Then I came across your article about ‘how to become vulnerable with yourself and self sooth and bingo! This was exactly what I was missing in my recovery and had to learn in order to ‘come back to my body’ and connect fully as one.
    I became my own and only, unconditionally loving parent. Whenever I would feel the urge I would go in and talk to myself in the most loving and protecting way. I would comfort and reassure myself and reinforce the unconditional acceptance and admiration.
    It’s incredible how much space we gain in our life once we start clearing past traumas and learn how to self soothe…it’s such a freedom!
    I’ve managed to forgive myself and others, release major fears and learn how to self soothe and unconditionally love myself.
    Thank you Melanie for all your invaluable guidance

    PS. I would love you to make a video about the issue of body harming as this is such an embarrassing and difficult subject and I can imagine
    it could help many people to stop suffering in silence

  • amanda.texagal@gmail.com'
    amanda bordenave
    August 3, 2017

    I am beginning to anchor myself , more and more in Truth. So many years of cognitive diss. as well as emotional abandonment- being labeled crazy….acting crazy, exhausted- emotionally and physically- the N projecting his stuff- what is interesting tho , for me at least is to be OK with it. ( the N says I am the N- but I KNOW that I am NOT-I am so very sad for the children, but at the same time, not really- we are all learning…I want us all to be healthy, loving balanced people and if this is what God is bringing to us – well OK! lets learn . WE are gonna go through alot this coming year- but I am NOT AFRAID! What a wonderful but strange place to be in…. love to all

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 3, 2017

      Hi Amanda,

      that is great that you know that you are not.

      I love that you are not afraid.

      Wishing you wonderful blessings and healing.

      Mel xo

  • doubledecker@freemail.hu'
    Betty
    August 3, 2017

    Hi, Melanie,

    Thank you for making me understand why it doesn’t matter what flying monkeys think and do until I can focus myself and heal my wounds! Why it’s necessary to know that one day I will be whole and a healthy person – mentally, emotionally and physically too! This is my guide line on the journey towards my authentic self. It gives me hope and meaning to never give up and believe that self-development is the key to free myself from any narcissistic abuse.

    Best wishes and smiling days!:)

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 3, 2017

      Hi Betty,

      you are very welcome 🙂

      It is so the key – and it’s wonderful that you are on this path.

      Many best wishes to you too!

      Mel xo

  • webdoar@gmail.com'
    Y
    August 3, 2017

    Yo! oh wo
    Melanie this is the story of major parts of my life! Hey people know that boys/men are also victims of such abuse.
    My father treated me like this, so did my 1st wife. & now I am trying to divorce another narcissistic wife. There were times I was ready to commit suicide she got me so crumpled down. I got severely physically ill from her xxxt several times. I lost good jobs due to her interfering with it. When I announced that I’ve had enough & want a divorce she said she agrees & would agree to a divorce settlement without making trouble. Then behind my back she got a tricky slimy lawyer & started making trouble. She also turned our children against me with her conniving lying mind tricks. She is also turning people around us against me with her evil lies.

    People pray for me to get out of this destructive marriage already!please!
    Thanks Melanie

  • crb15@shaw.ca'
    cathy
    August 3, 2017

    Hi Melonie
    I have been so educated from all your great videos and blogs,,and have healed a great deal,,19 years for me and a 17 year old son from the Narc,,my concern is my son,, we communicate and i see him about once a week i text him almost everyday,,he lives with his Narc father by his choice ,my heart ached when he choose to live with him,,,my concern is that i suspect my son is a Narc,,i watched your video about the children and to heal ourselfs first ,,i know you say we can’t change a Narc but how to i find out if my teen is a true Narc or just a selfish teenager right now, haha !! he has a lot of the same traits as his father,,i hate to talk negative of son ,,but is there a chance to help him while he still young,,,i want so much to protect him ,,it makes me cry almost everyday thinking he is so exposed to the toxic relationship,,he has come to me and vented about some of the selfish ways his father shows,,,,i just say “that is your Father’ and” i am sorry you are so frustrated “the great thing is my son and i have a good relationship ,,any advise you could recommend would be great,,,
    Cathy , from Canada

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 3, 2017

      Hi Cathy,

      it truly does Dear Lady come down to healing you first and how you see him … that is how you will grant him the best chance.

      That healing necessity still stands.

      Mel xo

  • lisaadams1122@hotmail.com'
    Lisa
    August 3, 2017

    Thank you Melanie this is so good. I need to hear this as my husband’s mother and sister-in-law have done the smear campaign on me in a small town. It has taken me to the edge several times. I have found it most painful when my husband doesn’t believe a word I have to say about what is happening. He prefers to believe they are wonderful people. Family members are a convenience supply for these narcs just as you say. I would love to see you write about these family dynamics and how it can undermine a marriage.
    Thankyou for your wise words.

  • catherineannelovely@yahoo.com.au'
    Catherine
    August 3, 2017

    I love your videos and I love you Melanie. What a courageous and wise woman you are, and such an inspiration too.

    Thank you thank you thank you for your videos. I find them extremely helpful, and spot on from my experiences with a narc husband, mother, stepfather and sisters.

    I was almost destroyed by these people. I felt so alone, so misunderstood and so confused. I really thought I was defective and losing my mind. Such gut wrenching feelings were endured that caused many physical symptoms in my body and I coped sometimes in unhealthy ways. It was a living nightmare, and many times I wanted to die. I really felt I would be doing everyone a favor, including our son, and they would be happy with me gone.

    The day that Narcissism came up on google when I was researching about abuse is the day things started to shift for me. It was a light bulb moment. I had never heard the word before then. What I read sounded so much like my husband. I hadn’t connected Mother (a title she does not deserve in my opinion) or anyone at that time, only him.

    When I read about gas lighting, my mouth was wide open because that was exactly what he had been doing to me, it was like I was reading about my husband. It was hard for me to accept then that people can actually be so cruel, and also that there is no hope for people like this to change. I now know that people can be VERY cruel, and some will NEVER change. Our Mother passed almost a year ago. I had always hoped and prayed she would change and learn to come from a place of LOVE, however she manipulated and used everyone right up until the end.

    It was the LOVE for our amazing and beautiful son that ended up fueling me to not give up hope of healing. It was tricky at times though, as part of me felt he would be better off without such an unwell Mom. When it was really hard I would look at his picture, and look deep into his brown eyes and try to imagine how he would feel with me gone. He had already lost his father when he was 6, so I tried to imagine what it would be like having no parents at all. I imagined it being really difficult for him and him being lost and many other things, and this gave me strength to keep on healing, even though it seemed almost impossible at times and/or that it would take forever.

    Today I am doing well with my healing. I still get knocked on my bottom sometimes from flashbacks, night terrors, triggers and anxiety attacks, however they are less and less the more I heal and grow. I have healed from bulimia, self harm, suicidal idealization, disassociation and more. I used to be ashamed to admit any of those things, however not anymore. I now know how strong I am to overcome all of these things. I have learned many tips and tricks, and gained many tools now to assist me with getting through challenging times. I know I got this now, ONE moment at a time. What an amazing feeling.

    Thank you once again Melanie for all that you do to raise awareness about this horrendous abuse.

    Love and Light

    Catherine

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 4, 2017

      Hi Catherine,

      thank you for your lovely words 🙂

      You are so welcome and I am so pleased I could help.

      That is wonderful like myself, you didn’t give up hope for your healing … I can so relate to that school of thought, when we were that low, thinking our child would be better off without us.

      That is so wonderful you fought on for you and him and for (really) humanity itself.

      Sending you many blessings and continued Thriving Catherine.

      Mel xo

      Catherine

  • hemlockfarms@yahoo.com'
    new jean
    August 4, 2017

    For all you narc-survivors out there. Own your pain. Don’t rush it. Healthy safety is an incredibly LONG process…..! My narc tormentor is handicapped, and has been able to torture the kids and me for years, years, and years. After the divorce, he’s been able to sue me, despite the cruelty. (I didn’t ask for one penny. Just safety.) All the attention – positive end negative – gives him energy. So – when there is NO quick escape – relax. The more the narc attacks, the more you relax. “Let it be”, and don’t respond, any more than the court demands. Remember that narcissists are torture-dependent. They’re unable to survive without torturing others. If you’re in a cage, and the courts won’t let you out – go on with your life. Be YOU. Lots of “down” time. Slow down. Even if a narcissist turns violent – your “NO” to that — your act of self love, is precious. It’s everything. Lots of love to everyone out there – feeling afraid and alone.

  • warrenbrubacher@email.com'
    Ocean Breeze
    August 4, 2017

    Since taking the step to finally become a Gold NARP member, the wheels are really starting to turn. This video is my father and last relationship combined into one. I understand now how the abuse happened. All the previous posts, the horrific stories and abuse that staggers normal comprehension……I went through also!!! The most amazing thing is that, thanks to you Melanie, it will never repeat again!!! Yes, it will take some time and practice to get there………Already,I can watch your videos, and learn from them…..but the trauma and angst about it all has been removed with HOPE and HAPPINESS for the FUTURE. I have been a fan and have followed you for years…….It is so great to finally come to a place that really feels like a home I can trust.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 4, 2017

      Hi Ocean Breeze,

      I am so pleased you are self-partnering, healing and feeling empowered.

      That SO starts to happen when the trauma is released and space opens for much better feelings.

      Wishing you many blessings!

      Mel xo

  • bhramirez702@gmail.com'
    Bea
    August 5, 2017

    Thank you Melanie for putting the missing pieces of this puzzle together. I had never understood this until now. Your explanation helps very much!

  • yoshilange41@gmail.com'
    Michael
    August 6, 2017

    Your website has been of great help to me. All of the different videos really helped me. I found out 1 1/2 years ago that i was dealing with narcissists, my wife, her brother, and their mother. For almost 20 years i could not figure out what was wrong and why these people acted this way. I simply could not figure it out. I was doing the best i could with the situation at hand. I am quite well aware of the masks that the narcissists wear. I know all about the narcissist who is wonderful everywhere else but at home where the mask is taken off. Co parenting with a narcissist is never an easy thing. It leaves you drained of all of your resources, financially, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. One begins to wonder to thyself if it is all worth it in the end. A month or so ago, i was able to let go of a lot of the hurt and anguish that had built up inside of me. It was a hard thing to do, just letting go. It is always easier to have others forgive you for your faults than it is for you to forgive others for their faults. I credit several different resources, yours being one of them. I feel a lot better now. I feel as if a weight has been taken off of me. I am still with my wife as divorce isn’t an option. There are other things that are going on that make it so. I was able to set up boundaries with my wife, her brother, and their mother. I trying to go no contact with my wife’s brother. Things still come up from time to time but it seems as if those things don’t bother me as much anymore. Thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 6, 2017

      Hi Michael,

      I am so pleased it has!

      That is so wonderful you let go … it makes the space for things to change.

      Bless you.

      Mel xo

  • lstephens@thewavz.com'
    Lynne
    August 7, 2017

    I found this information to be so affirming
    And true
    And supportive.
    I can almost not absorb the power of mine that this realization restores to me.
    Thank you very much.

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