Melanie Tonia Evans

Why Unconditional Love Is The Key To A Fulfilling And Joyful Life

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 5
70
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

I’ve been looking forward to covering this topic for some time, because there is much debate about the following question.

What is unconditional love?

Does it mean we give and give and give to others even when it hurts us?

Does it mean that we give with no need for return?

I believe knowing the answers to these questions is vital, because understanding exactly what unconditional love is and how to apply it to yourself and others has the power to not just heal yourself, but heal the entire world.

I passionately wanted to sort out this confusion, and in this Thriver TV episode we take a deep dive into peeling back what we may have thought unconditional love was, what I believe in my humble opinion it really is, and how our previous models of love are false premises that aren’t unconditional love at all and don’t work.

The reason being is these old models are damaging to our Inner Identities as well as the people we may be practicing it with. They are also intensely damaging within homes, societies, race to race, religion to religion and country to country.

In fact, our world is in the state it is because of them.

You may understand in this video some things we were not taught to deeply think about before … how the versions of love that we were taught brought forth an inauthentic self needing to maladapt in order to try to get love, rather than knowing how to be it and generate it.

So … how does the the Quantum Model of unconditional love generate health, power and truth for all concerned, and how it is key for all of us to have healthy and happy relationships with ourselves, others and life?

I would love you to deeply feel into what I have shared with you … then close your eyes and imagine how this will shift you into freedom, love and wholesomeness.

Do you sense how one person at time we could all come out of the darkness, take our lives back and move into True Love?

I look forward to sharing a conversation with you about Unconditional Love below.

 

The following two tabs change content below.
Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

Your Free New Life Starter Pack

2 free eBooks free intro Video 2 hour free Webinar
  • Find out if someone in your life has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
  • Learn how to do “No Contact” and keep it for good.
  • Discover how to get relief from the pain.
  • Learn how to reclaim your life with my 10-step process.

Sign up below to join my Community of over 50,000 people, and receive weekly information, inspiration and tools to get your life back on track.

ssl security padlock   We value your privacy. Your information will never be shared.
70 Thoughts on Why Unconditional Love Is The Key To A Fulfilling And Joyful Life
  • Getmail100@yahoo.com'
    Bren
    August 11, 2017

    Yes, yes Bravo Mel for speaking these truths. I’ve always believed what you say in this video 1000%. This woo woo spiritual unconditional love stuff just never made sense to me…..what about boundaries Ive asked. my boundaries have just gotten better with Narp, but I’ve always had some…..Thank you for saying it like it is……I loved this. My boundaries are there for my good, I practise them all the time when necessary. Much love.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 11, 2017

      Hi Bren,

      thank you for your lovely words 🙂

      Bless you and I am pleased this resonated with you!

      Mel xo

  • smartmomb1968@gmail.com'
    Martha Reilly
    August 11, 2017

    One of the things that got my undivided attention about narcissistic personality disorder was “delusions of ideal love.” This video explains this further. I am having quite a time working on my own capacity to give and receive love. But I believe in the importance of it. Thanks again! For all you do! <3

  • blane@cyberspeedway.net'
    BeAnne Lane
    August 11, 2017

    I have always thought and felt that Unconditional Love is a Mother’s Love.
    I never stopped loving my daughter no matter what choices she made in her life.
    I did set boundaries and was always honest and open with her.
    I allowed her to be herself and make her choices and learn from them.
    My daughter is now 50 years old, so we have been though a lot in our lives together.
    There were times when I feared for her safety but I believed that she could and would rise above the situation. And she did.
    That is my model for what I call – Unconditional Love and Conditional Living.
    Conditional Living means – setting personal boundaries and staying out of another’s business and responsibilities.
    It is totally respecting the other and myself as Beautiful, Lovable and Capable of living our own lives.

    I think this worked for my daughter and I because we both loved each other unconditionally and took responsibility for our own lives and happiness.

    This didn’t work with the Narcissist because my boundaries were not respected. And when I said NO, I was meet with anger, guilt and shame.
    I believe his love was Conditional – ‘if you do this I will love you” and “if you don’t – YOU are nothng to me”.
    I was blamed for his unhappiness and he took no responsibility for his rude and mean behavior.
    I left that relationship 1 year ago, and it hasn’t been easy to come to terms with the Truth of it all.
    i went from Victim to Volunteer to Victor in this last year – a great learning experience, very enlightening.

    Thanks for your help along the way.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 11, 2017

      Hi BeAnne,

      I love your model of unconditional love.

      Totally!

      Absolutely 100% N’s don’t respect boundaries, feel controlled by them and resent them. It is one of the greatest red flags – not respecting your rights and values.

      Sending you well wishes for your continued Thriving BeAnne.

      Mel xo

  • cherylheinson@sbcglobal.net'
    Cheryl
    August 11, 2017

    The first sign that I am in an unhealthy relationship is scorekeeping. You helped me to see how this fits into conditional love. I will need to listen to this video again to fully integrate your concepts, but already I am having lightbulb moments. I am so grateful to have found you. Before I can partner with myself and heal, I needed to have my experience and feelings validated. Thank you for understanding my journey. You are a blessing to our community, and I feel that I am finally on the right path.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 11, 2017

      Hi Cheryl,

      thank you for your beautiful words and you are so welcome.

      I totally agree with you regarding the scorekeeping!

      Mel xo

  • penny.white@outlook.com'
    Penny White
    August 11, 2017

    Hi Mel,

    Thank you for this video and it is so important for to understand that being conditional in the ways we go about life is a way to be powerless and helpless and boy did it lead me to abuse in extremes. I have am on the NARP and am also combining bowen therapy, flower essences and oils along with some somatic work into my healing. When I saw you video I felt all of my hairs stand up and even felt the top of my head open up to this new knowledge I am so open to learning. The truth is no abuser has any power over us when we realize we are so powerful and we can stand in for our rights and we KNOW we can. I have found since being on NARP and exploring other healing modalities that many of them have just literally come to me and some for free and now that I KNOW my rights justice is being served on earth with my previous abusers and all I have done is taken my power back by honoring my feelings and knowing my worth. NARP has helped me a lot and I am still using the program. I am not afraid to say no to what is unsafe and unhealthy and I want to yes to what is whole, safe and unconditional.

    Thank you,
    Penny

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 11, 2017

      Hi Penny,

      it’s my pleasure.

      I love that you are a sponge for wisdom. The more we release false beliefs and trauma the more Higher Understandings resonate as truth within us.

      I love your choices of “yes” and “no” .. that is the perfect gateway into expanded, unlimited real living!

      Keep up the great work.

      Mel xo

  • samantha.seager@outlook.com'
    Sam
    August 11, 2017

    Wow Mel… amazing. I SO needed to hear this today. I am heading today back to the community where I met the N I was involved with today.. and it is the first time I will be facing people since it all ‘kicked’ off and I left him and was open about my reasons.. IE: realising he was NPD/ASPD. As I am sure you can imagine, on my journey out of the trauma I made many unwise choices.. trying to get people to see what he was… trying to get people on my side etc…but thankfully, I found your videos and NARP program very early on in my recovery and that helped me to start bringing it back to myself and doing the healing work and stop the finger pointing. I wouldn’t say I am 100% there but I am at the place of seeing the massive gifts in it for me but at times, I slip back into victim mode, especially when I hear about his work ‘He is a healer!’ and other women he is targeting. But I know, I just have to let that be and hope they wake up as much I am doing now. Anyway, basically Mel, you have absolutely saved my life. I wonder how people coped and recovered in the past when the information about all this was less well known and there was no internet and in particular, your insight and teachings through this process. It is incredible Mel, I am so grateful to you and your team. Otherwise, I think i would have ended up in the asylum. It just all makes so much sense to me. I am grateful I experienced this. Thank you for sharing your heart and your wisdom.

    xxxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 11, 2017

      Hi Sam,

      I am so pleased this resonated with you.

      That’s wonderful you did the work early on and was able to offset the huge amounts of fallout that happen when we don’t.

      Awww gosh Sam I am so pleased you took the Thriver path and saved yourself.

      I love that you are grateful and forever evolving and please know you are so welcome 🙂

      Shine on dear Sister.

      Mel xo

  • kjsherrell@gmail.com'
    Jenny
    August 11, 2017

    Thank you sooooo much. The best description and in my opinion the most accurate description of unconditional love to date. I will definitely watch this video a couple of times as I want these reasonings to come to mind rather than practicing the old version of unconditional love; which, in my opinion, separates you as a self-imposed saint one moment – and then sees you crashing to the ground in anger and resentment the next. Balance always wins out – so why not start from a place of balance in the first place. Thank you again.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 11, 2017

      Hi Jenny,

      you are very welcome 🙂

      I am so pleased this resonated with you – and I love your description of what happens in the old models.

      It’s totally accurate.

      Mel xo

  • ievabrown@icloud.com'
    Eva
    August 11, 2017

    This is my favourite Thriver TV episode yet!!! Totally hit the nail on its head. I was extremely conditional in my love for others and mainly myself, twisting myself into a pretzel then being resentful when my ‘good deeds’ weren’t reciprocated and judging others behind their backs because I didn’t have the power to be honest, open and authentic.
    My Narp journey is taking me to places I never thought were possible and I’m the happiest in MYSELF I have ever been. And that’s just 5 months since I became a Narper. So excited with this, my journey, I love my life now regardless of the outside. Trying to stop controlling external factors is the best thing I have learnt to do for myself. I’m bookmarking this episode to watch it over and over again lol.

    • 13ava63@gmail.com'
      Ava Russo
      August 12, 2017

      Hi Eva, this is Ava:-) I would agree with you, this is my favorite Thriver TV episode so far! I love it because it points to the complete solution for living a more truthful, peaceful, authentic, fun, etc, etc life. It is the core message. Cheers to our journeys!

  • martin.issima@hotmail.it'
    Lady Jedi
    August 11, 2017

    Mel what a timing!

    I have been wondering lately about this topic – how boundaries fit in the model of loving “without conditions”… Didn’t have an answer though I figured that it all must start from unconditional love towards self.

    Great video, I’ll rewatch it a few times! Love xoxo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 12, 2017

      Hi Lady Jedi,

      I am so glad you enjoyed this and it answered some questions for you!

      Bless Dear Lady

      Mel xo

  • chris.whittaker2@btinternet.com'
    Chris
    August 11, 2017

    Melanie, If I upset my Narc Mother, she used to threaten me by saying she would change her Will and she actually did it but changed it again when we made up, she was very spiteful.
    I lost her four years ago and now live in her former home but can,t really settle here, probably because she was a Narc and only found out about Narcissists a couple of years ago and now know what she was doing to me when I was growing up which has greatly held me back in life and affected my relationships and led me to get involved with other Narcissists, i.e ,a fake best friend .
    I am getting some relief from your modules and will keep sticking with it even though it is painful at times reliving the past Traumas.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 12, 2017

      Hi Chris,

      It is wonderful that you are doing the inner work with NARP.

      Please know that it totally is possible to release the trauma and go free. Many people in this Community have even if abuse is all they have ever known since a child, and I wish the same for you ?

      And maybe you don’t need to make a decision about the house right now and the more you heal the clearer the decision will come into view.

      Sending many blessings.

      Mel xo

  • pascalemartina@cs.com'
    Pascale
    August 11, 2017

    This is exactly I try to tell my children, but I wished I could explain it as good as you do.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 12, 2017

      Hi Pascale,

      One day in our world we may all be taught the truth as children.

      How wonderful your children have a mother who is conscious!

      Mel xo

  • lindamccaffery6@hotmail.com'
    Linda
    August 11, 2017

    Melanie, this is exactly where I am right now. Its four years since I left my narc, one of the most painful experiences of my life. During and after which led me to more self healing because I was so distraught. The false beliefs I had all of my life. In some ways I’ve had to learn for the first time. It’s so rewarding though. The resentments I felt were just awful, to him and others. Now I realise its was’nt getting childhood needs met. But I’m not a child anymore so I choose to be authentic and yes love unconditionally. I had to let go, these peoples lives are none of my business. It was all coming from my perception, scewd!! Its such a relief to release with love and tend to myself. I know the people who care, the rest I have to not be around for my sanity, or if I am then to detach. Not always easy but I’m doing my best. Thank you for this wonderful video.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 12, 2017

      Hi Linda,

      Thank you so much for your post … I love your awareness.

      Oh gosh it IS such a relief to let go and tend to ourselves!

      When we do our Inner Being rejoices “thank goodness you finally got it!”

      It’s so beautiful that you are on this journey Linda ?

      Mel xo

  • theresa458@yahoo.com'
    Theresa
    August 11, 2017

    You are so on target. You can love someone without having them in your life. Sometimes you love them more when you love yourself enough to set boundaries. Being whole within yourself, knowing your worth and not judging their choices is the healthiest and most loving thing you can do for yourself and others.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 12, 2017

      Hi Theresa,

      Thank you for being spot on too!

      I love your post!

      Bless you ?

      Mel xo

  • Wadecbre@gmail.com'
    Will
    August 11, 2017

    What is the key to finding and giving oneself unconditional love and acceptance?

  • blueskiesmeditation@gmail.com'
    Wendy Anne
    August 11, 2017

    Mel, you explained unconditional love so beautifully! I still love my ex’s but no longer in a needy or romantic way. I have come to realise I can love them and not want to be with them. I can let them be the way they are without trying to change them or have them apologise or need them to do anything at all and I am ok because now I love myself enough to forgive them. I can love them unconditionally by allowing them to be who they are without interference from me and at the same time I love myself enough to not be with them when the way they act hurts me. I don’t even need to understand them, they are who they are and I am who I am. The only person I am now seeking to understand is myself. I have friends who find it hard to understand how I could forgive some of the things they have done but it has helped me to realise that we each act from a place that is about ourself. The person who cheated with another did it for his own reasons….nothing to do with me. The person who betrayed my trust did it for his own reasons…..again, nothing to do with me. I understand I was with these people because I was needy and so were they. So, the only work I need to do now is to fulfill my own needs for love, acceptance, kindness and unconditional love. It means being very very kind to myself, no matter what decisions I make. I have also realised that in the past I have had such a strong need for people to like me that I have been afraid to tell them the truth when it came to their behaviour towards me, I have often felt used and taken for granted. I now realise that If I allow a person to use and take me for granted that is much more to do with me than them. I now give myself permission to tell the truth. I give myself permission to say NO! I give myself permission to only do the things that feel absolutely right for me to do. In the past this has felt selfish to me but now I realise that to do anything else is to pretend and be a false friend and inauthentic person. In the past doing what others wanted me to do meant that I no longer knew who I was, what I wanted in life or how I was going to achieve it. Now I feel much more centred, alive and confident in myself and life.
    By the way, whenever I have a negative thought about one of my exes i say this “I love you, I forgive you, I release you”……it helps me release the negative feeling and move on quickly with my day, maybe it will help someone…..
    Love your work Mel xx

    • 13ava63@gmail.com'
      Ava Russo
      August 12, 2017

      Wow! Wendy Anne, I absolutely love what you posted. You expressed your feelings and your practical behaviors so clearly. It is apparent to me that you “get it”! Thanks for sharing. You helped me. Ava 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 12, 2017

      Hi Wendy Anne,

      I adore how you have articulated unconditional love.

      So, so special … so much so I would love to, with your permission, share what you have written quoting you on my Facebook Page.

      You share a powerful messsage.

      May I Wendy Anne?

      Mel xo

    • doreenhomeoffice@gmail.com'
      Dorothy
      August 12, 2017

      It’s so great the way you put it. And so true. … but what about the hurt, the anger that such people cause us ? Does it go away if we start living this way ? Did it happen to you?

  • teche.beverly@gmail.com'
    Bev
    August 11, 2017

    Thank you, Mel, for this episode. This brought together so many things for me that you have discussed before. I’ve been in your program for two years and its helped me get through a rough patch and don’t know what I would do without it and you. I know I can do a tuneup when I need it and know I always I have help. Much happiness to you as you continue your work. Bisous from France!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 12, 2017

      Hi Bev,

      You are so welcome and I am so
      pleased it resonates with you.

      Much Love and blessings to you too Dear Lady ?

      Mel xo

  • 13ava63@gmail.com'
    Ava Russo
    August 12, 2017

    I’m so grateful that you, Melanie, can put into words what I feel is true about love. Sometimes, my thoughts and behaviors get off track and I don’t live in alignment with the truth of love. When I get still inside, I feel exactly what you spoke on this video. Thank you for explaining it in words and thereby gifting all of us the opportunity to get back into alignment with the truth. You’re so awesome! Ava 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 12, 2017

      Hi Ava,

      I love that you feel this as your truth as well.

      Thank you for being a fellow Thriver on this glorious path ?

      Mel xo

  • analaura_ml@hotmail.com'
    Ana Laura
    August 12, 2017

    I have just talk to a friend about your message in this video and he said: “You can feel unconditional love for everybody, but in a relationship, apart unconditional love, there most be conditions”. I did´t have time to clear out his statement with him, but then I though that “conditions” for him could mean boundaries, speak out about your truths and about what is important for you in a relationship. The same applies in a society, teamworks, etc.
    Thanks, Melanie. Love and kisses.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 12, 2017

      Hi Ana,

      Yes I agree these could be defined as “conditions”.

      However they in reality are a statement of the truth of how we align with and live our life, regardless of what others are or aren’t doing.

      If held as a condition for someone else “having” to change to fulfil us we are in absolute Wrong Town!

      Mel xo

  • analaura_ml@hotmail.com'
    Ana Laura
    August 12, 2017

    Great post, Wendy Anne!

  • Quintonedward.jantjies@gmail.com'
    Quinton
    August 12, 2017

    Hey Melanie, thank you for this awesome and powerful episode. I love thriver TV. I really love your brutal honesty in this video too, it was so inspiring

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 12, 2017

      Hi Quinton,

      you are very welcome, I am so pleased the resonated with you 🙂

      Mel xo

  • Bzawada@hotmail.com'
    Beata
    August 12, 2017

    Hi Melanie,

    I’ve been waiting to hear this for so long. When we get used to living in a pradigm that doesn’t work but we don’t know a different way, we just keep doing the same thing.

    This is a major pivot point for me in my life.

    Also, not sure if you’ve talked about this elsewhere—can you address why some ppl go from relationships with narcissist to relationships with addicts. One in the same?

    Thank you! ?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 12, 2017

      Hi Beata,

      I am so pleased this has granted you a shift!

      I would love to address that topic Beata or something very similar.

      Watch this space 🙂

      Mel xo

  • doreenhomeoffice@gmail.com'
    Doreen Turner
    August 12, 2017

    It would be good if you could help us use this theory to heal from jealousy. Cos if I understand correctly, I can’t love someone unconditionally and still feel the anger caused by jealousy. How can I take this theory forward to help me stop hurting myself in this sense? ? Thanks so much. This video came at a crucial time.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 12, 2017

      Hi Doreen,

      absolutely this theory works for healing anything that is not Who We Really Are.

      For me the healing of the parts of me in trauma and acting out in discordant ways needed to be held and healed back to wholeness. Including feelings like resentment and jealously.

      That is exactly what my healing model is about – finding and releasing the traumas which are highjacking our life.

      Doreen, if you would like to experience “how” this works you can come into my free workshop: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      I hope this helps

      Mel xo

  • margarit72@aol.com'
    Jane M.
    August 13, 2017

    Hi Mel,
    I’m confused…I agree with the message of respecting self, and not trying to change anyone else but what does it have to do with love? To me, love is the flow of good feelings, and I can’t feel that towards a Narc…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 14, 2017

      Hi Jane,

      love is a lot more than just romantic or heady feelings. There are many versions of “doing what is loving.”

      Love is peace and calmness, it is not resentment and anger.

      Allowing others to be who they wish to be is an act of love, not control. And in no way does that mean they need to be a part of our life.

      Mel xo

  • Upsidedowndevi@gmail.com'
    Devon
    August 13, 2017

    Hi Mel,

    Thank you so much for this piece, it blew the lid of my already accelerated healing and I am experiencing even more profound shifts. I watch this episode twice and then took ‘conditional love’ to module 7 of the empowered self course and switched it up for ‘unconditional love’. I did it over and over throughout the night and I included my child in the hearings. The next day, my gosh, we are swimming around in love, there is a calmness and a surety that I have NEVER experienced before. I say this a lot but, this IS my most profound shift to date. Thank you for your clarity and presence, I feel so inspired by your transformation and your work. Much love Devon

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 14, 2017

      Hi Devon,

      I adore your messages and growth!

      Just when I think “Wow”, back you come with another “wow”.

      Thank you for being such a divine crusader of evolution!!

      Mel xo

  • lucy.mae@westnet.com.au'
    Lucy
    August 13, 2017

    Jane M, above, great comment. My first reaction to the video above was to think, what a pity to discourage people from turning to the great philosophers and spiritual wisdoms of the past.
    For me, narcissistic abuse was all about the concept of treating others as one would have them treat me (a principal concept of all major religions, not only Christianity) and the painful realisation that I could no longer do so in the Expectation they would return my kindness, and the need instead to Accept – and this was the really hard part – that the world is as it is, not how I wish it to be, however unfair that seems to me.
    If I mention Christ, you’ll think I’m proselytizing, but I’m not, I have no religious connection and know bugger all about the Bible. But, at the height of my narcissistic crisis I did read the Sermon on the Mount (on the understanding that that is the closest we can come to what Christ actually said) and it was a real eye-opener to me, especially the paragraph that begins “Do not cast your pearls before swine…” – and the realisation that Christ was absolutely not about unconditional love, at all. He was very much about earning forgiveness through repentance (and you won’t need me to remind you a narcissist rarely repents!)
    For me, it was the ultimate affirmation that to a narcissist I owe nothing, but to do no harm.

    For me, the gift hidden inside narcissistic abuse was not merely re-connecting with my real self, but connecting with the accumulated wisdom of all humanity, an abiding and really deeply personal interest in philosophy, quantum physics and metaphysics. It was the hardest thing that ever happened to me – but, oddly, it was the best!

  • hannamand@gmail.com'
    Dave
    August 14, 2017

    A few years ago I took the “5 Love Languages” assessment, and it led me to believe that “Treat others as you would like to be treated.” needs an asterisk.

    Just because *I* crave physical touch, does not mean that everyone around me wants a hug, and the same is true of all the love languages… when someone buys me gifts it makes me uncomfortable.

    In that light, simple “Do unto others” becomes toxic, the person that ranks high on the need to give and receive physical touch is torturing the person that is uncomfortable with physical touch, and it’s selfish to continually try and force it on them.

    What does that mean in a healthy relationship? I’m still pondering that. If I love someone, but it’s not in my nature to show love the way they naturally feel love then the relationship is unsustainable, they will either feel unloved, or I will eventually get burned out because it will be a constant effort trying to fulfill their need.

    The simple solution is “Don’t get into relationships where mutual fulfillment isn’t natural.”, but unfortunately it seems as though we’re all so desperately lonely that we’re all too willing to “force it”, make concessions about our own needs, and make unsustainable effort to fulfill someone else’s needs “so they will love us”.

    …which brings me back full circle to the original point of Melanie’s video…
    You have to love yourself first.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 15, 2017

      Hi Dave,

      I totally agree with everything you have shared.

      Shared values are important for compatibility … so much more so than just interests.

      The more we do love ourselves the more these compatible people show up reflecting that back to us.

      Mel xo

  • tuuliturtola@hotmail.com'
    Julia
    August 15, 2017

    Hi Melania,

    My N relationship ended 7 months ago. No contact anymore, nothing, no feelings, and I feel no need to even be in contact with him anymore. He does not contact me either. All good. All what I have learned (thanks to you!) about n’s…what’s the point even be in contact with a person, who does not really “exist”.
    I’ve done a “crazy” amount of healing work, gone from nervous wreck to a pretty balanced, normal me again. I’ve come to this beautiful conclusion, that it was a soul contract, and I’m in peace with that.
    But recently, I feel sometimes (not all the time) melancholia and I feel “missing” him. Ok, now, also what I’ve learned from you…I do not really miss “him”. I really thought about this; what I miss is the “good old days”, the happy FEELINGs. Of course, I already also know by now, that that initial happiness and “good times” were probably totally fake too (at least for him). But missing, I do not mean, that I want him back, not even see or talk with him. It is just this kind of a…nostalgia. You know, goes to similar category, like “when I was a child, the summers were always warm and ice cream good”, “I loved 1990’s and be in high school”, “missing people and pets who have already passed away”…you see, this kind of a missing. What’s happening to me, why I feel this way? 🙁 You say in one video, that it is me missing myself…but I feel it’s only partial truth (in my case).
    I think it is also…as I don’t have a boyfriend now and I feel pretty alone…that’s when my mind sometimes “escapes” and I remember the good times and then I feel sad. Why I feel this way, what should I do? Is it just, because there is no new love interest occupying my mind now, and that’s why I feel this “nostalgia”? (by the way, it is just a feeling, it does not make me have an urge to contact him!!)

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 15, 2017

      Hi Julia,

      I always believe that when we have a “thing” come up in regard to the N – the previous False Substitute in our life – it means that there is something within us to be healed.

      And always our soul is saying “Giddy up -clear this so we can go to the next level of your incredible wonderfully fulfilling life!”

      When we are not in healthy relationship yet, and feel that we would love to, it is because we can have some blocks that are not as yet allowing this to come into our life and us conjoin with it – and I believe in your case it may all be related .. these triggers of late.

      My suggestion is to self-partner with what is coming up for you – hold it, release it and heal it back to wholeness and you may just find that you start feeling ready or want to develop yourself toward healthy relationship with an intimate other.

      Does this make sense? Are you working with NARP to heal?

      Mel xo

      • tuuliturtola@hotmail.com'
        Julia
        August 16, 2017

        Thank you Melania!
        I’ve done NARP, EFT and had a life coach. This all has been a real life saver! But sometimes I feel this sad frustration, I’m just a normal woman who wanted to find a really nice boyfriend. Then all ended up in this traumatic soul-deep quantum mess, and I’ve needed an “army” of healers to help me recover. I’m embarrased sometimes, not even sure why. I never wanted, neither “deserved” this mess! 🙁 But yeah, I believe now it was a soul contract…
        I think he wasn’t especially “bad” N, towards me, but he was just…weird, in some inexplicable way. And highly reactive, defensive, his mind/mood/character could change in an instant. It has been hard for me to accept this harsh reality: If someone is sometimes reliable and sometimes unreliable…then it means he is 100% unreliable!
        Despite of all, he was special to me. We all want to find a “special one”, not just “someone”! Now I feel sometimes a void, an empty feeling, because there is no one occupying the place he had in my life/mind/heart.
        But recently, I’ve started to feel more “alive” again and have this sweet feeling, that I might want to find a new love again. Or, to be honest, a real love and healthy relationship, probably for the first time EVER in my life (and I’m 40 years old!).
        It’s strange, I really want that, but at the same time, there is a part of me, that actually does not want a relationship, does not want to let anyone close to me. I don’t want that someone is controlling me, trying to “improve” me, nagging at me, judging me etc. (nobody wants that!) I think my mind still makes this association that being in a relationship=probably, possibly equals these things. Maybe I still have some healing work to do in this area…

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          August 16, 2017

          Hi Julia,

          it’s my pleasure 🙂

          Please know this is so normal, and you can combat it and shift it. So many of us had to do this work to let someone real, loving and true into our life.

          This is more than likely about cleaning up the deeper inner childhood programs – as a consideration you may wish to have a look at TFFOW (I feel this may be key for you) to shift you into your Divine Feminine able to accept the Divine Masculine.

          (TFFOW explains more … https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/services/transforming-family-of-origin-wounds-course.htm )

          This specific healing work made MASSIVE changes in m life to my family, women, men and ultimately the ability to connect wth a truly unconditionally loving partner.

          I hope this helps!

          Mel xo

  • amanda.texagal@gmail.com'
    amanda bordenave
    August 15, 2017

    Mel, Holy Smokes!!!!! Yup, been there- done the conditional Love thing – to the N, my children. myself…. I just didn’t know. To asses honestly, how I have lived my life is the most humbling – heart wrenching experience. It is a daunting task but necessary . I am learning so much about myself and this video is EXCELLENT, thankyou!!!!!!!! Back to the trenches… Much love to everyone and good luck

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 16, 2017

      Hi Amanda,

      I love your honesty.

      I just know you are generating incredible healing and breakthrough!

      Mel xo

  • nicky.fourie@live.co.za'
    NickyButterfly
    August 18, 2017

    I’m laying in the bath watching this video on the other side of the world and catching up on reading some of the mails I’ve received from you during the past few days ?. Mel, a lightbulb has just gone off now….I’m a grown woman who is nearly 40. Yet, up until very recently, the thought of me wanting to make my separation from my husband permanent (i.e., divorce the man I’ve been in a relationship with for nearly 20 years after coming to the acknowledgement that this has been a narcissistic abusive relationship and that I needed to start a healing journey)…..has frightened me! Not just for how he would react to it, or how he would be with me in a co-parenting situation, but also because I’ve grown up always being afraid of letting anyone know whether I’m doing the “right” thing…..oh my goodness, am shaking my head here, just thinking of how ridiculous that is….what would people say if they saw me having a glass of wine, or if I pierced my ears, or if I didn’t do what was expected in our religious community according to what’s “right”….how my mother would feel….what my mother would say….my father would be disappointed….and and and…
    I only pierced my ears 5 years ago….a grown woman of about 34 at the time…and still would be asked by my husband to take them out when I went to his family or church because they didn’t “approve”…..

    About my narcissistic abusive marriage….almost 40 years old and still looking for approval and validation from my parents as to whether it’s okay for me to leave? …..now that’s not right…..

    I’m so glad I decided to click on the link in that mail tonight regarding unconditional love.

    I am sooooo going to focus on me and being truly healed ?

    Ps…I’ve just joined the NARP community and so glad to be on this part of my healing journey.

    Thank you Melanie xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 18, 2017

      Hi Nicky,

      I love that you have had that stirring inside of truth and your soul saying “Come on Nicky let’s go! Let’s be YOU!”.

      Bless you dear lady, you are on your way!!

      Mel xo

      • nicky.fourie@live.co.za'
        NickyButterfly
        August 22, 2017

        Hi Melanie, thank you for your encouragement ⚘. Just a few days later I feel a bit withdrawn (“curling up inside me in a corner”)…..but I know that this too shall pass!! I can’t give up on this healing journey….I must continue and will do so, even though I feel fragile today ?.

  • claytonruth@rocketmail.com'
    rose
    August 18, 2017

    Love this so much. Where I occassionally get tripped up is in thinking that I can love the narc unconditionally, and it lures me back to the longing. What has been helping me though, to not do this, is loving myself first unconditionally. When I give that to myself, I do not desire being with someone who is harmful, destructive and mean. Then i find my place, where i love and accept him as is, and bless him on his journey. Unconditional love with a narc, is letting go, and learning to fill myself up with the love I need, and stop pining for or expecting it from someone who is not on that page with me. I need to feel safe, and cared for. I need to feel valuable and to be with people who I matter to. That certainly is not how he felt towards me. I guess I am working through these feelings again as after a year of no contact, we spoke with each other briefly a few days ago. It showed me there is still work to do. The good news is, I did not attempt to see him, or keep the conversation going. I look forward to the day when seeing him or hearing his voice no longer has any power. I know that day is coming.

  • Suzanne.Tyrpak@gmail.com'
    Suzanne Tyrpak
    August 22, 2017

    Melanie, thank you for all your videos. I found this one particularly helpful, and I’ve listened to it several times. Over my life, I’ve fallen into a number of traps under the guise of practicing unconditional love. Having grown up as the golden child of a narcissistic father in a shame-based family, I had no idea about setting boundaries, couldn’t even comprehend what boundaries were.

    For years I intellectually understood the concept of taking responsibility for my own happiness, but the actual shift felt physical. It’s hard to describe; I felt my focus shift from outside my body into my core, as if I’d been floating around my body instead of living inside of it. In a moment of epiphany, I pulled myself back, connecting to my gut. This re-membering of myself reset my balance and perspective. Only after this occurred could I begin to fully accept myself and set boundaries.

    I began to practice radical acceptance of myself and others, instead of trying to change, control or manipulate. What a relief!

    I would love to hear more about the topic of unconditional love, perhaps people’s stories about shifting into unconditional love in difficult circumstances–in order to illustrate the difference between what we may believe to be unconditional love and actual unconditional love. It’s a process, isn’t it? And even when we “get it” we can suffer setbacks.

    Thanks again for all you do.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 22, 2017

      Hi Suzanne,

      you are most welcome 🙂

      I love your shift and practice into radical acceptance – it is relief!

      I agree – these stories would be great 🙂

      Thank you for your lovely, warm post.

      Mel xo

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *