Melanie Tonia Evans

Emotional Blackmail – The Devastating Weapon A Narcissist Uses To Betray You

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 6
55
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

Today’s episode is about a tragic situation you may have, or may still be dealing with, as a result of getting involved with a narcissist …

When they turn the tables and use your sensitive information against you.

At first we did not realize that a narcissist is like the CIA building a dossier of information on us.

We simply thought their attentiveness and attention was about genuine affection … but the truth is it was about something much more sinister.

It was about being able to use pertinent confidential information against us.

All narcissists live by this moto “Know thy enemy” …

And we didn’t realise being this close to the narcissist meant we were always potentially the enemy – someone who needed to have something held against them to execute a “shut down” if necessary.

Sensitive private information is a very effective way to do this.

It’s at times like this we come face to face with the disastrous truth about narcissists – that they are capable of tossing anyone under a bus, including their supposed nearest and dearest, in order to fulfil their own narcissistic agendas.

This has got to be one of the biggest human betrayals of all time – opening your heart and soul enough to trust someone with deeply personal information and then to have it maliciously thrown back in your face

How do we recover from this?

How do we scrape our chins, hearts and souls off the floor when everything comes crashing down as a result of the narcissist using our most private information as weapons against us?

In this video I am going to show you exactly how to get up, recover, move on and render the narcissist powerless against you, despite their threats, so that you will never be in that position again.

I’ll never forget the shift I experienced, when rather than keep buying into my supposed “relationship disaster patterns” I got totally clear that the person throwing this in my face was in fact the pure evidence of why NO MORE painful, abusive relationships needed to be my new pattern!

I look forward to sharing in your conversation and answering your questions on this topic.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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55 Thoughts on Emotional Blackmail – The Devastating Weapon A Narcissist Uses To Betray You
  • carolkrueger@comcast.net'
    carol
    August 16, 2017

    The only way and I mean the only way to survive these toxic people is to disengage. Sometimes I forget this and pay the emotional price. I then get a flood of painful flashbacks. He’s “crazy.” I have professional help. I am learning mindful coping. Thank you Melanie!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 16, 2017

      Hi Carol,

      absolutely they need to become “Not Our Reality” even emotionally.

      Then we are free.

      Mel xo

    • Claracalm777@gmail.com'
      Clara Black Crane
      August 25, 2017

      It is quite unfortunate that the narcissist is so well-versed in the “Know thine enemy” part. If they were equally knowledgeable in knowing themselves – as the saying goes – none of this nonsense would have happened.

    • Normajeanreds21@mail.com'
      Norma
      October 6, 2017

      You r right. I was so in love with him. He was always there 4him. There 4him. Then his wife passed. He was grieving or so I thought I told him he was going to go through a lot I told him all about my self. My age everything. He told me he met someone. I am older thAn him. She was younger that he had developed an emotion attachment to her. That he cried and cried. We had been together for 25 years. He won’t ans my text calls or messages or Anything. He said he receives them but he just doesn’t respond. I am devastated. The last thing he said. Was that he was he was still in love with me but she was younger than me. He is 61. I am. 73. She is 48. He rides down my block and speeds paSs my house. My neighbors see him. Why do I still love him. Help me. One day to next. Everything changed. He

  • solaracafe@hotmail.com'
    Mari
    August 16, 2017

    Thank you so much Melanie! This helped me realize why I haven’t yet taken the final step to leave my relationship. I need to do this no matter how hard it’s going to be. Blessings

  • mfse16@yahoo.com'
    Margaret
    August 16, 2017

    Thank you! Finding your show has helped me beyond belief. I struggle daily with letting it go but it’s hard when you have children with him. My domestic violence counselors and you have helped bring me back to the person I used to be. Not afraid to speak, bold and confident. thank you, thank you, thank you!

  • gwendolynleng9@gmail.com'
    Gwen
    August 16, 2017

    It’s all so true; just so hard to do when the Narc has custody of your children and they are the weapons of blackmail.

    • stanmail2000@yahoo.com'
      Paul
      August 16, 2017

      Gwen, unfortunately children are the sweetest of possessions for the Narcissist as I know also, I just keep reminding myself it is a long term game in this situation.

  • still.smiling.here@gmail.com'
    Shanni
    August 16, 2017

    THANK YOU, Melanie! This is the first time that I am posting a comment, although I have been following you for about a year. I am so grateful that I found your website and your information–it has been CRUCIAL in helping me to gain inner strength. I have been working on myself as much as I could during the last year, and finally, three weeks ago, I found the strength to go No Contact with my narcissist. It is the HARDEST thing that I have ever done. I have been trying to gain the strength for the last year, but as my strength increased I was subjected to increasingly sweet “honeymoon” periods as he sensed things changing, and unfortunately, I was sucked back in each time.

    Right now, I am experiencing a full-on smear campaign, and actually just came back from a meeting with a religious leader to whom my husband has smeared me, and after this meeting I found myself crashing back into the gaslighting effect of wondering if I am the one in the wrong…and as a result just wanting to die. THANK YOU for your efforts to help us!!! I truly believe that gaining inner strength is the ONLY THING that can save us from the horrible effects of these relationships, and if I hadn’t been able to move through this process then I would still be stuck with him, and I know that I would have died as a result of this relationship. Even now I wonder if I will be able to find the real me that has been buried deep inside over the years with him…but I love your encouragement that says that I WILL!! I do believe this! I thank my God for His help along the way, and that I was led to your work.

    Much love!!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 17, 2017

      Hi Shanni,

      you are very welcome.

      Its lovely that you posted! That is wonderful that you have gone No Contact and it is true that it is very hard to stay “up” and stay out.

      Shanni have you come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar ? Are you working with NARP? Because NARP is all about us releasing the trauma and wounds and bringing in our Higher Power where those “gaps” were in us – the things that did make us susceptible.

      The difference in HOW we recover as a result of healing that way is astounding.

      I personally for one, would never have made it (many of us wouldn’t) without that deeper work directly in our subconscious

      I just see with you that the battle to recover yourself could go a lot easier for you and I’d love to help you with that.

      Mel xo

  • Ruthie.wagner6@gmail.com'
    Ruthie
    August 16, 2017

    I am currently experiencing this exact thing with my ex husband and his smear campaign is causing so much turmoil. He is calling my current boyfriends ex wife telling her all kinds of fabricated stories and lies. Unfortunately my ex and my boyfriends ex are both narcissistic so together they are lethal.

  • emxx@sbcglobal.net'
    Healing
    August 16, 2017

    I’m really getting it that my defensive reaction is just adding gas to the fire. I’m really getting it that I have no reason on earth or in Heaven to need to defend myself ever again…. If they are like a cop on the beat ready to give a ticket, that is there problem and they act like that because they have issues, not because I am guilty or need to be emotionally given a ticket. I’m not going to emotional court! I don’t need to defend anything …….. what a gift this is. woohoo. Thanks Melanie for all your teachings.. and I keep going cause “there’ nothing else To Do”

  • lina126y@hotmail.com'
    Strongwind
    August 16, 2017

    Melanie what about when the Narcissist has tricked you for years? I’m not a stupid woman and looking back I can think of some red flags but not enough to label my ex a narcissist….N left with new supply after 16 yrs together and other people I thought loved me and whom I trusted life left too. How can a person not share with a husband with whom she has been with years about intimate details? in a marriage couples become as one. Trust is at the core of a marriage, is it not?
    How was I to know that my husband was a sociopath? I think mine even tried to poison me and all the while telling everyone that he loved me so much?
    N left me alone in a town where I only move in to be with him. My life has been turned into a lonely living nightmare. I have no family and no reason to live here, other than because I don’t know where else to go. I feel like my life was stolen from me and I’m responsible for that happening? I’m older now and probably have no future? It’s been nearly 5 yrs since N left and I have not gone one day since then without thinking about what happened, the betrayal, the devastation and the unbelief at how the person I thought was my best friend and husband, just left as if I never even existed? All I have is the memories and the shock. I do have NARP. I commit to it and then I slack. Hard to stay with this program for me as it is time consuming and I’m yet to get relief from the pain and haunting memories. Thank you Melanie. Your dedication has validated me at times when I thought I was the crazy one or worse, the narcissist.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 17, 2017

      Hi Strongwind,

      Gosh my heart goes out to you – it can feel so painful when we hit “stuck” places.

      Yet, truly it all does come down to the same thing – no matter how traumatic and painful it has been … do the work to release that trauma our of our Being with Quanta Freedom healing / NARP (or something else) and then it simply won’t be there and continue to haunt us.

      I believe that your salvation Strongwind is about addressing the blocks that are not allowing you to heal – or which are stopping you being consistent with your healing.

      They will be there … and that is what I would highly suggest doing.

      Sometimes Dear Lady we DO feel thwarted in our healing journey – absolutely – however it is about staying out of our ego mind that wants to keep beating us up with pain and just get even more determined to find the internal answer – to release the trauma that is causing this.

      That is when we have incredible breakthroughs.

      What else is there to do?

      Are you in the NARP Forum Strongwind posting for help and direction. That is so important and helpful to do that with your recovery journey http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      I hope this helps and sending you blessings and love.

      Mel xo

  • geraldinelafferty@yahoo.co.uk'
    Healed
    August 16, 2017

    This is the first time i have posted after following melanie for a number of years and completing the course.I wanted to say to others that you will recover once you find yourself and no longer care what others think and feel about you.

    I was a professional known by many (smeated to all)
    Was dismissed from my employer
    4 years in court (child contact)
    professionals believed i was the abuser and he was a victim
    I almost lost my children who were going to be placed in care
    lost many friends (isolated)
    just a short list of many traits of a sick person
    i went no contact and stood firm healed myself and changed the life i had for my children and myself.
    never ever give up its a journey and a hard one with horrifying allegations, smear campaigns, stalking, blackmail, verbal abuse and violence when they lose control.
    My children now have no contact and he is not allowed anywhere near us so you can get through it.
    Yes i was lucky in many ways but had a war on my hands to manage it.
    I felt i lost it all but the fact is i never. I found my soul and my authentic self and my children will now grow up free from manipulation and abuse.
    Thanks Melanie x

  • butterfly.17@hotmail.co.uk'
    Debbie
    August 16, 2017

    Thank you Melanie,

    WOW, this was so true… at the beginning of the relationship, the love bombing stage, I gave my whole life to the Narc, and a lot of my deepest pain that I never shared with anyone else… He then would throw it at me when he needed to ‘punish me, pull me back down, put me back into begging mode or into a crumbling mess’.
    When i met him he was fab and listened to me, cared, told me he would stand by me etc. etc. Then bang he would throw which ever one of my past pains at me by saying ‘I made you’ better, your being ungrateful’ because he ‘supported’ me or he would use painful words like ‘I’m going to kill myself’ (this was due to someone close to me dying), There are many more. When I think of the support I’d say yes he did at the time but my goodness I was so unaware of what was to come…
    When I think of the stuff he shared to make me feel ‘sorry’ for him, I kept all that from others and would never throw it at him, one thing I can say though is it gives me ‘understanding’ of may be why he abuses, even though there is no excuse for abuse. Near the end of the relationship he actually would use his own stuff as excuses for his behavior – such as something like ‘well what do you except I come from a deceitful world’ or blame someone from his family…

    The betrayal is something that ‘sometimes’ still gets to me, putting all my trust for the first time to this person and being smacked straight back in the face… and I know I’m not the only one hes done this too (not a good thing).

    Betrayal is one of the nastiest and most painful parts to this type of relationship however On a POSITIVE I have grown, I’m healing and I’m a lot more aware to my own being in social situations and if i’m not comfortable breath, I let it go as its not my stuff. If I’m triggered I will feel my way though what that might be about…

    Melanie your work has given me so much strength and understanding towards my healing and moving forward, thank you much love
    xx

  • Hannamand@gmail.com'
    Dave
    August 16, 2017

    It’s a blessing in disguise… all that “sensitive information”, the “dirty little secrets” (like what we do in the bedroom), is fodder for gaslighting.

    Normal people, the people that genuinely care about us as people, could care less about out sexlives. While hiding it seems comfortable, in fact being “outed” is liberating, and in my case she ended up burning herself… when someone brings it up all I have to respond is “we did all those things together for 20+ years, if it was the problem she would have left sooner”.

  • jspotless@gmail.com'
    Julee Orand
    August 16, 2017

    Hi Melanie…after watching video I’m concerned that in court proceedings and custody battle that somethings had to be shared. My struggle is after so many years defending, standing up to and reacting to prove I’m not crazy that I almost look like I could be narcisstic, this is crazy ! Could this be guilt and shame playing a huge role when I finally seen the truth and have to own my part for staying to long? The longer I stayed the more I reacted to prove he was the sick one but it just made me sicker. The sad thing is when I finally let go and he stopped trying with the I love you , the I miss you and I don’t want a divorce is when I went into panic mode and lost my strength , is this normal? Because when he tried it gave me peace that he really believed he was wrong but because I didn’t fall for it and I’m standing firm he is now giving the silent treatment and it’s making me feel like it was really me, it’s an awful feeling of panic and anxiety. Having full/sole custody because I brought truth to the table , I’m second guessing I did the wrong thing by exposing the truth and emotional abuse.
    I know I’m all over the board but is it normal that when standing up against a narcissist that you could actually start second guessing if it was you that has the issue? Im extremely overwhelmed with sadness that my marriage failed and after reading and listening to you, the fight I put myself against was never love and was never going to change.

  • susanmwyer@gmail.com'
    sue
    August 16, 2017

    thanks mel yep i get it and I’m starting to heal thank you thank you

  • carolineokeffee@hotmail.com'
    Caroline
    August 16, 2017

    Hi Melanie, I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your articles on narcissist abuse. A friend of mine living in Australia going through narcissist abuse told me about your page on facebook and its been a light at the end of the tunnel for me. I never even heard of narcissist until I read your info and it was my ex husband down to a tee. I left him 2 years ago as I couldnt bear waking up everyday feeling so sad and lonely and couldnt take the hurt anymore. The break up was bad as I was never to stand up to him and leave him. And all his family are narcissist also especially his sister. Ive 3 beautiful girls but I refuse to have any type of contact with him, to which i was told i couldnt do that but I did, i took back my power. Im so strong and happy and feel so free since the break up. After 2 years you would think they would have moved on but they havent, they send messages back with my girls and calling names, pure childish. Does it ever stop or will this childish behaviour continue, you see I was to fall to pieces and die without my ex but thats not what happened, I became so strong, confident and so happy since the break up without hopping in and out of bed with men. He moved in with a girl immediately after the break up. I will admit it killed me because we were together 20 years and I felt I or our marriage and being together 20 years meant absolutely nothing to him that he could move on so fast, I began to ask myself did he ever love me, had I wasted 20 years of my life. But I cried everyday and night for 18 months until 1 day, I just felt nothing for him except hate. He totally turned his back on the girls, i had to take him to court for maintenance. What should I do regarding the stupid messages being brought back through my girls, ive told my daughters who are 11, 8 and 6 to ignore everything they say about me. Thank you again Melanie for all that you do, you have no idea how much you have helped me. Much love xxxxx

  • julietbutler@yahoo.co.uk'
    Jules
    August 16, 2017

    Hi Melanie, great talk as ever. I have been healing with you since March and am a new person. I went No Contact with my narc and looking back on the journals I wrote to myself when I was with him I now objectively understand his behaviour and my toxic reaction to him. He recently managed to find a way to contact me suggesting that he will share the ‘intimate’ – ie vile, objectifying porn – pix he has of me on his phone at some point. I realise there’s nothing I can do about this threat except ignore it and not allow myself to be emotionally affected by his blackmail attempt. If he ever does share them I will deal with the fallout when it happens but until then I’m calm. If anyone else is in the same situation – and I’m sure there are many of you – I recommend this approach. Only achieved through my healing with you!

  • stanmail2000@yahoo.com'
    Paul
    August 16, 2017

    Thanks for this great reminder Melanie.

    My daughter’s mum is on the Sociopath spectrum, she appears to be NPD/BPD.

    Shortly after we started seeing each other she offered to give me a “free” Homeopathic consultation which involved taking a personal history.
    Because I was so in need of feeling close and I believed her when she told me that I had to provide as much information as possible to enable a comprehensive Homeopathic assessment I actually participated in close to three hours of the most incredible and skillful prying into mine and my family’s life and history.
    I can’t think of a better vocation for a Narcissist! What a perfect cover for information gathering!
    Later in the relationship when she was considering ending it she would seek information and her questions would always be preceded by “just for the record what……?”
    I’m often in the position of having to be seen to be cooperating and sharing information with her due to Family Law Court proceedings, it’s an impossible situation whereby I am at risk of providing more info for her to use.
    Predictably, she has embellished and distorted information and attempted to use it against me in proceedings.
    However the most powerful knowledge she wields now though, of course, is that I truly care for my daughter’s health and welfare and treasure our time together. I haven’t yet found a way to become immune to her sick use of this information.

    • samantha.seager@outlook.com'
      Sam
      August 17, 2017

      Hi Paul,

      I also experienced this therapeutic ‘fact finding’ from the narcissist I was involved with who I went to initially for healing.. he is an energy healer and homeopath, before he confessed after a short healing relationship that he was in love with me. How blooming niave am I? It is really hard when someone is a member of a professional body and has a profession where this kind of fact finding is a natural and necessary part of the process. Any guidance on this Mel?

      I suppose part of it is don’t have a relationship with a teacher/therapist for starters! 😉

      xxx

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        August 17, 2017

        Hi Sam,

        truly it all does come back to the same thing … heal the fear we have about this, and walk truth. And really what in that information can he do to harm you if you detach and move on and empower you?

        I would take it as a lesson Sam and a powerful healing opportunity.

        These things only get power if we give them energy.

        Mel xo

  • llyadonphillips@hotmail.com'
    JenniO
    August 16, 2017

    Hi there!
    My sister has been a victim of an N for over 20 years. They divorced and shortly before the finalization, he did exactly what was discussed in your video.
    He used private, very confidential information she had shared with their children and really revealed who he is.
    Trouble is, through this and MUCH, MUCH more (way to long to explain allll of the abuse) after the divorce, he sucked her back in because I believe she felt she no other choice or she’d lose her children. In the process, she has no contact with her family (her parents and siblings that tried EVERYTHING to help her get out!)
    We don’t know what to do and I have come to the terms that there’s nothing we can do!
    Any advice for us? This is devastating and so worrisome.
    Thank you for your blogs!

  • bedujama@yahoo.co.uk'
    Robert
    August 16, 2017

    Thank you so much Melanie for another powerful message. Always so full of wisdom, kindness and hope.

    I remember ‘Emotional blackmail’ being the first phrase I typed into my phone to try and understand all the chaos in my relationship. My now-ex-wife snuck up behind me and looking over my shoulder saw the headline and scoffed saying that if I wanted to learn about that she had a very good book on the subject! That was the beginning of my enlightenment leading to understanding about BPD/NPD, my co-dependence and eventual escape from her. Your description of the CIA dossier is so true. My ex-wife would guilt me into revealing sensitive information against my better judgment. She would drop into conversation or say just as we woke up how she didn’t feel safe around me/ didn’t know if she could trust me – completely out of the blue. Then follow it up later in the day with wanting to share personal histories, darkest secrets as it would help her to feel more secure in the relationship (which I blindly did thinking it would bring us closer and waylay her fears). The smear campaign came after I escaped and went grey rock, with her emailing a lengthy description of my fragile mental, possibly suicidal, state to all my family, friends and work colleagues. I had written to her explaining my reasons for leaving and a month later got a letter back (copies sent to all my possible addresses) with Private and Confidential written in bold on the envelope. In it she denounced all my reasons for leaving and then bizarrely listed all the sensitive things i had ever told her, literally everything. Phenomenal memory and clearly designed to shut me down. I went completely no contact and any communication went through my lawyer. All sorts of delaying tactics ensued but three years later the divorce is complete. Phew! Your advice has been a great help and source of validation. Thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 17, 2017

      Hi Robert,

      it’s my pleasure.

      Oh my goodness you did go through it EXACTLY!

      That is so wonderful you are out now.

      Bless you and I wish you all happiness and success 🙂

      Mel xo

  • samantha.seager@outlook.com'
    Sam
    August 17, 2017

    Another great video Mel!

    I initially felt a lot of fear around this as the narcissist I became involved with was initially my healer and teacher, (I met him as I signed up to do is course teaching energy healing.) Every single person who signed up to that course filled out a long personal questionnaire with all their issues, vulnerabilities, what they wanted to heal, sexual histories and family problems etc and initially I opened up to him about everything as I went to him for healing of my stuff as a client! I mean, the cleverness of his fact finding is astonishing, he has a file on all his students and after I began a relationship with him, I started to see him using peoples deep personal traumas around child abuse, promiscuity, family wounds etc, against them, it was at this point that alarm bells started ringing… This man knows everything about me and everyone in his community and I totally trusted him as a therapist..he seemed completely trust worthy and everyone seemed to think he was an incredible healer doing amazing work within a really beautiful spiritual community….anyway, I didn’t realise just how this deep healing of my ‘stuff’ was going to REALLY happen! and I didn’t realise that actually, this was a cult and he has information on EVERYONE so it has been difficult for anyone to speak out against him or challenge him…those that do are scapegoated and all their stuff is thrown at them to discredit them. Classic!

    Wow.. the thing is, having been through the NARP program fairly early on after leaving him, while I initally felt great shame, as I worked through it, I cared less and less. I owned it all so his smearing of me hasn’t really worked. And actually, it back fired against him and now he has had to leave town and move on, as now too many are truly waking up to what he is and the amount of trauma that is left in his wake.

    It is thanks in part to the way in which I handled it thanks to working your NARP program. People listened to me and one of his previous partners started speaking up too.

    One thing I would like your opinion on please Mel.. I started to see the signs with this man fairly early on and figured out what he was and left him as soon as it started to become obviously abusive and my suspicion was confirmed. I was feeling VERY confused and mentally foggy prior to that ( I guess gaslighted) and after leaving him, went into all the standard trauma symptoms of Narc abuse, the obsessive thinking, the shaking and CPTSD, and I am still working through it all now, nearly a year later. I didn’t allow him to abuse me, I didn’t hold him accountable, I never got into any arguments with him, or try to get him to change or anything, I just left, so I am a little confused as to why this has affected me so deeply because I feel as though I did honour myself when I realised it was all a deception. I was crazily in love with him but I walked away. I didn’t really get into devaluation…..have you experienced this before with any other of your NARPERS who leave during idealisation but still suffer the deep trauma and do you have any theories as to why it affected me so much. I do see that there was big blind spots in me and these needed to be brought to my attention around my previous manipulation of men, my drug addiction, using relationships to get my needs met etc.. so I guess those are the lessons.. anyway, thank you so much for your amazing wisdom and guidance Mel, I would have gone crazy without your insights, trying to make sense of this madness. Look forward to your next videos! Much love xxxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 17, 2017

      Hi Sam,

      absolutely deep trauma is not something that logically needs “this or that” to be triggered off within us. Sam, my suggestion to you is to logically stop trying to categorise what he did or how you should or shouldn’t have been affected by it, and simply track “what hurts” with NARP Modules and load it up and release the trauma directly from your being.

      Then you will get well.

      Once you do that, truly, the trauma won’t be there, and your ways of self-medicating or adapting trying to get your needs met whilst surviving these internal trauma (which where there before he came along) will all dissolve as well.

      That is why he was an A.I.D. in your experience, bringing this deep trauma to the surface so that you could heal it. Please know this, NARP is not a path of LOGICALLY working it out. It is about feeling it in your body in Module Work and releasing it – that is all you have to do.

      Are you in the NARP Forum? because that will assist a lot: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      I hope this helps 🙂

      Mel xo

      • samantha.seager@outlook.com'
        Sam
        August 17, 2017

        Thank you for taking the time to explain that to me Mel.

        Yes of course, it makes total sense. I went there for healing because I have been trying my whole life to find peace with myself, (what I now realise is self love free from my unconscious wounds) and this was the perfect way for me to wake up to myself.

        The experience reflected back to me all my maladaptive traits and I have found it useful to do the exercise where every time I get into the story of something I feel he ‘did’ to me, to honestly see where I have been doing that same thing to myself for as long as I can remember. And also where I have done these actions towards others.

        When I first realised about this disorder, I thought that was I was a sociopath (he also told me I was a sociopath) and that explained why I had never been able to truly open my heart to someone before and had always needed to be in control of the situation and had lied, cheated, manipulated and even smeared! I don’t want to get into shaming and blaming myself but it just goes to show how you are so right about how severe codependency and NPD/ASPD are two sides of the same coin.

        Through this experience, I have been able to sincerely apologise to the father of my beautiful children for all the suffering I know I caused him through our 15 year relationship, one in which I now realise, I behaved like a narcissist. It has been incredibly hard to look in the mirror at myself, and it is also hard to accept that through an episode of abuse, someone was helping you to wake up to yourself, but I am moving closer and closer to this place of peace, thanks to you Mel.

        I wrote a couple of days ago about how I really don’t know how people coped and recovered healthily before the insight that you share was readily available for people to access. It is revolutionary and thank you SO much for sharing your heart and wisdom with us.

        Aho,

        xxxx

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          August 18, 2017

          Hi Sam,

          I am so pleased that made sense.

          How powerful and healing Sam that you have been able to be so honest with yourself. THAT is true personal liberation right there.

          It’s an honour to share this journey of awakening and soul evolution with you Sam – and please know you are more than welcome.

          Mel xo

  • clark_heatherlynn@yahoo.com'
    HEATHER LYNN CLARK
    August 17, 2017

    Such great wisdom, Melanie. I just had mediation with my narcissist and I decided to not fight over the nonsense and let go. My health is too important to drag this on any further. His demands and magical money numbers of insult mixed with ways to halt the progress of my freedom wasn’t worth it. Correct on the info on not opening up too soon. All I shared a few years ago was used against me in the smear campaign. Lost many friends. But, it is OK. I am learning to be me and accept me and heal me…quite process. Thanks for you intelligent and down-to-earth insights.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 17, 2017

      Hi Heather,

      That is so great that you are healing you and detaching from this!

      You are so welcome and I hope I have helped!

      Mel xo

  • amynm101010@gmail.com'
    Amy
    August 17, 2017

    Hi Melanie,
    I am still on the journey for healing, but I would have to say, this for of abuse has lost more power than ever over me recently. I have worked on seeing situations and myself for what I AM. I realize all of the narcissist didn’t even know me, so why should I feel offended about what they think. When I find out the Narcissist smears me, I have learned to stop fighting it. I simply have thanked all of the people in common with the Narcissist, and tell them it is none of my business what he goes around telling people or how people see me, but if there is a big concern that needs to be discussed I am open to that. After having that discussion, it has only revealed how Dramatic and trouble causing the Narcissist is when he goes around and bad mouths me. I believe that even his attorneys have advised him to stop with all of the blaming and bashing.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 17, 2017

      Hi Amy,

      That is great that you are detaching from the smear campaigns.

      Keep healing and Thriving and growing 🙂

      Bless!

      Mel xo

  • Suzanne.lancaster@hotmail.com'
    Suzanne Lancaster
    August 17, 2017

    My brother is a narcissist. I have seen him repeat the sepattern for years over and over. Of course I to ha e been a lifelong victim. If I attempt to “out” him so to speak, which can range from confrontation to doing nothing, but if he thinks I have, he will begin a smear campaign. I entered therapy last year just to find tools how to cope as he has a 10 year old daughter, my niece, that I love dearly, so I can not completely disconnected. Within the last year he met a woman online, married swiftly, and it didn’t take long for the Shirley to occur, using her as the scapegoat, planting the seeds if her crazy everywhere to anyone. All having a ever so slight hint of truth that was blown into some outrageous claim. Fast forward, she finally left left… She texts me but I do not dare contact as it will mean all out war on me. I know for a fact he cloned her cell phone. He is indeed a very good investigator – he records all his phone calls, videos people, he has videoed me without my knowledge, and I was doing nothing out of sorts. But used that video with his own spin to say I was doing something inappropriate – this was after I didn’t commit with a request. He is currently smearing me to CLIENTS. He rented in a new home development that I have represented for 6 years, I am a realtor… He tells people all kinda of things. And he can be very convincing. Question, I do no contact as much as possible, I do not allow myself to be baited- I keep answers short if must respond, however I am at a point that I want to get an attorney and press charges for his smear campaign, my mother and I worry what will happen if my father passes. There is a large tract of family land of significant value and a family business.. we both are certain he will try to have her institutionalized or somehow found insane or unfit to get control and for financial gain. I failed to mention heisona smear campaign because he believes I am the reason his marriage failed… Of course so his his daughter, my parents, but I for some reason hacve always been the one he likes to attach the most. What can I do??? How can I make a plan now to help in the future?? Do I start documenting everything? If so, how you keep my sanity day in and out having to always be mindful of this whack-o, my own sibling.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 18, 2017

      Hi Suzanne,

      my heart goes out to you, I know how much you and people you care about have suffered as a result of his narcissism.

      Please know my own recovery from horrendous narcissistic abuse and the recoveries I facilitate are not done in standard “logical” or even “strategic ways”. They are created in Quantum Ways which I know I would never have stumbled on or tried if I wasn’t as low and as out of options (nothing else had helped) as I was!

      But this I promise you, if you have had enough of the pain and you are at least willing to be open to investigate another way to get a solution with this, I would love to help you heal.

      The way to experience my methods and try them on, is in my free workshop: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • uoksainos@yahoo.com.ar'
    Sonia
    August 17, 2017

    It has taken me a while (a long one) to be able to detach from what happens in reality. Too easily been overtaken by victimization and not able to see through it. This is key in my recovery, being able to turn things around in my head so that I don’t fall in the (oh! so familiar) despair and desolation.
    Melanie, I don’t know how many times I’ve said this, but I’ll keep repeating it to you and anyone else who cares to listen, your work is beyond description invaluable, meaning it can’t be valued in monetary terms nor words, has no price what you do for all of us untiringly. Even when we give up on ourselves you don’t.
    For the first time in a long long time I am starting to appreciate no matter how bad things look like and can get, Life is always working for us and not against (these words seemed so hollow to me at one point in time).
    My humble words of gratitude and appreciation to you. Still got a long way to go before I become the truest most authentic version of myself but I got it!!! For every infamous thing that is done to me I’ve learned how to appreciate it more, as an opportunity to better myself, rather than despise it.
    For some of us it has taken a whole life time of N abuse, starting with our parents and siblings followed by any other relationship thereafter (be that work, friends, family, romantic partners) so it hasn’t been easy to make that break, because we haven’t known any other way.
    I used to believe Fear, Guilt, Doubt were the main evils to overcome, to which you added Shame. I wouldn’t underestimate Doubt, in my case has been a major one (I even doubt myself).
    What was that hide the N/sausage remark about? Please explain (hilarious)
    Love you always

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 18, 2017

      Awwww Sonia,

      I love how you say I don’t give up on you. It is so true – I know how many times I slipped, went back, broke No Contact, and how many times I thought I was never going to make it.

      Yet something inside didn’t give up on me, so how could I ever give up on any of you?

      I love that you have got this, you are moving forward and are breaking through. You couldn’t have written what you have Sonia unless you were!

      Hahah that is a little X rated to spell out 🙂

      Much love to you too!

      Mel xo

  • Champion2003_8@msn.com'
    Karil
    August 18, 2017

    Hi Melanie,
    I am a single mom of a adopted little girl. Can i just say, i am sitting here crying. My journey is brand new. I am a daughter of a Pastor, not that this really means anything, but I thought i knew better. I dated him in high school. He re connected with me 4 years ago. We spoke for over a year via phone, and text. I was so very careful not wanting to engage my daughter who is only 6. He was so loving. I thought this was a “God moment” a time for healing. I don’t know what i missed. I do now through simply being on You tube this am. I happened to click on your video. I feel like this was truly my “God moment”. I have literally been falling apart emotionally. I got married after him pursuing me, my daughter, music cds that he put together, gifts ect, and i never read further into it, because i felt it was all ‘real”, “genuine”. We got married a year later. Three days into it, he asked me to go to my parents for my inheritance. I was trying to remember when did i ever tell him my parents when they passed were leaving a little account for me and my daughter? He asked me so many questions back then, i had no idea he was using it for his gain later on. Then it went to directly wanting to claim my daughter the year before on his taxes after marrying 3 days prior to Christmas 2015. He wanted to claim my daughter for an entire year before. Then it was my daughters child supports payments he wanted. Now, he has left us, abandoned us after 2 years. He has been texting me to file his extension for October, begging me to sign otherwise he owes money. I have told him i refuse. The bullying continues. He was so adoring, so loving when we re-connected. I wish i had known now what I am learning now on your video. I am a single mom, not working as of yet, hoping to be soon, but I feel so manipulated, so shocked over a man who called himself a “christian” and has done this to my little girl and myself. I am left without nothing. He continues to beg me to sign the taxes so he gets out of paying 4000.00 to the Irs. He keeps saying, i will leave him in a mess. I would get back 2500.00 for myself, but i would rather him pay his consequences over what he has done to us, then ever take 2500.00. I am literally feeling like I am falling apart. I feel so ashamed over this. I have so much shame, but i desperately want to be free. I want the healing of my own belief system from my child hood to be healed, so i can withstand what he is doing now. He is filing for divorce, because I dont do apparently what he has asked, and I am the one with the”mental issue”. He has made me feel like a princess his greatest love, and over a course of 2 years, i feel so used, so incredibly used. I stood my ground about my daughters money, she is a special needs child, and the State gives her a check for her areas of need, and he wanted that as well. All i have now, is your video starring me in the face, and a huge bucket of tears, on why I did not see this. I almost hate myself for what I put my daughter through, esp, with her being adopted, she is going through another loss. She has just been diagnosed with “post traumatic” stress due to him leaving her. He kept telling her how much he loved her, truly loved her. I am shell shocked.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 18, 2017

      Hi Karil,

      sending you big healing hugs and so much love to you and your daughter.

      You have both been through such a painful time. Karil I am so happy that you have found your way to my work and I would love to help you heal those inner programs – that is exactly what my healing work is about.

      Karil, if you can please come into my free workshop – because there I demonstrate the specific method, that you get to experience personally, to find and release those inner programs so that the trauma can leave and you can heal.

      You can do that here, and if a specific time doesn’t work then you can listen to a recording at any time that suits you http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      I know that this can help you so much.

      Mel xo

  • Champion2003_8@msn.com'
    Karil
    August 18, 2017

    I would love to get your advice and counsel if you can. Thank you so very much.

  • amber.cetinel@yahoo.com'
    A
    August 18, 2017

    Hi Melanie,

    Thank you for this informative series. This January, it will have been two years since I left my abusive ex. I remember the lowest point in our brief relationship in which he threatened to blackmail me if I didn’t comply with his wishes. It was devastating, but it opened my eyes and made me realize that I couldn’t pretend anymore. I couldn’t allow him to violate my trust and continue to disrespect me like I was worthless. I also felt a growing need to leave the relationship as soon as possible, fearing that it would soon become violent. I often felt afraid of him and basically waited to for the day that he’d hit me. Fortunately, it never got that far. It was my first relationship, and, while I spent a long time struggling to heal, I am happy to say that I did not respond to his recent attempts to contact me again. I see through it now. Thank you again for all that you do. This is an issue that cannot be ignored, no matter how uncomfortable or painful to discuss.

    A

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 18, 2017

      Hi A,

      it is my pleasure.

      That is wonderful that you valued yourself, got out and have stayed out.

      Power to you and I wish you ever blessing with your healing.

      Mel xo

  • laseret1@telus.net'
    L
    August 18, 2017

    Dear Melanie: Thank you so much for this valuable video on the subject of emotional blackmail and for including specifically the warning about how certain private information may be intentionally collected with a view to using it against a person as a means of demonstration of power, control, humiliation, etc., at a later date. Thank you for your depth of compassion and understanding that applies to the betrayal wounds that may be inflicted by unscrupulous in this case medical professionals therapists, on unsuspecting innocent people. A medical professional therapist in the course of their routine interview process and prescribed treatment deliberately it seems used information that was routinely gathered to put into question a client’s integrity. You would know better than most, Melanie, the devastation of going to a Specialist M.D., therapist who in the course of an initial consultation for an Eating Disorder conducts a 2 hour rapid fire interview for which the client was not prepared for in advance of the consult, and then when the client starts to think and feel after one more appointment and some telephone and email exchanges that something is not right and decides not to continue with this person’s services; that professional uses the information routinely gathered to smear the reputation of that client by sending a report to the family doctor that contains erroneous medical details along with comments and words of assessment that misrepresent and distort information that was offered in trust. Of course the client never dreamt a person dedicated to “helping” others could use such information against their client in such a vicious demeaning manner. Fortunately, the family doctor the toxic report was sent to had an initial favorable opinion of the common client and was supportive of the one maligned and was not so easily convinced otherwise by the toxic report. In our culture we are taught to not question the medical professional in regards to personal information routinely gathered. We are taught to surrender the most sensitive details in the hope of receiving help and comply to these unreasonable requests even though there has not been any basis for trust to be established whatsoever in terms of that person’s trustworthiness. You have alerted the viewer of your video to the danger of being as naive as I was at the time. It never occurred to me a medical doctor therapist in this case could have narcissistic tendencies if not a full blown disorder (I am not in a position to make that assessment), and rather than help me would use their well honed skills and glowing competent persona to harm me. I just know the red flags were there throughout various interactions and although I knew enough to extricate myself fairly early it was sadly, not soon enough to protect myself from the outcome described above. I have received significant strength, understanding, and valuable information to navigate this painful experience from your videos and writing for which I express my gratitude here. Thank you so very much for all you are doing to educate, inform and helping wounded hearts and minds to heal.

  • dfinch266@gmail.com'
    Denise
    August 19, 2017

    You give me So much hope. Thank you Mel. Sending hugs.

  • natyapter@yahoo.com'
    Naty
    August 20, 2017

    Melanie, thank you so much for this video, I’ve spent 20 years asking myself why does my partner treat me like the most terrible enemy of all humanity. That “why” question kept me frozen, incapable of making decisions and feeling guilt and shame for any actions I did or would even think of.
    The moment I decided to leave and break free, I stumbled upon your site. Your words resonate with my inner self. I am so truly grateful towards you and the work you put into your job. Today, another solid step in my journey.
    Thank you, thank you, thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 20, 2017

      Hi Naty,

      you are very welcome.

      That is so wonderful that you have left and that you are empowering you.

      I am so pleased you found your way here too!

      Sending many blessings 🙂

      Mel xo

  • redundantfeet@gmail.com'
    VC
    August 24, 2017

    Thank you for this one! I’ve been doing NARP since my divorce and keep coming back to this video. My ex’s newest tactic is to tell me the divorce didn’t happen and that there’s no evidence of it and he is making threats to take the children despite not paying any support and defaulting on the divorce without even turning up at court (he’s terrified of authority). I am modified contact and do not engage with him about any of the above.

    The key is in this video. Whatever he does is not my problem. Let him try what he wants to try. “What’s true and real” like my divorce decree. I don’t need to keep looking at it to make sure it’s real. I was there.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 25, 2017

      Hi VC,

      You are so welcome 🙂

      That is wonderful that you are detaching, not falling into the fear and not needing to fight back.

      Great work and NARP on Dear Lady!

      Mel xo

  • Blouirmike@gmail.com'
    Michael
    August 27, 2017

    Do they know they are doing this? Or is it subconscious?

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